第1章

PrefacePoorDearMammaTheWorldWithoutTheTentsofKedarWithAnyAmazementTheGardenofEdenFatimaTheValleyoftheShadowTheSwellingofJordanPrefaceToTHEADDRESSOF

CAPTAINJ。MAFFLIN,DukeofDerry\'s(Pink)Hussars。

DEARMAFFLIN,-YouwillrememberthatIwrotethisstoryasanAwfulWarning。NonethelessyouhaveseenfittodisregarditandhavefollowedGadsby\'sexample——asIbettedyouwould。I

acknowledgethatyoupaidthemoneyatonce,butyouhaveprejudicedthemindofMrs。Mafflinagainstmyself,forthoughI

amalmosttheonlyrespectablefriendofyourbachelordays,shehasbeendarwazabandtomethroughouttheseason。Further,shecausedyoutoinvitemetodinnerattheClub,whereyoucalledme\"awildassofthedesert,\"andwenthomeathalf-pastten,afterdiscoursingfortwentyminutesontheresponsibilitiesofhousekeeping。Younowdriveamail-phaetonandsitunderaChurchofEnglandclergyman。Iamnotangry,Jack。Itisyourkismet,asitwasGaddy\'s,andhiskismetwhocanavoid?DonotthinkthatIammovedbyaspiritofrevengeasIwrite,thuspublicly,thatyouandyoualoneareresponsibleforthisbook。Inotherandmoreexpansivedays,whenyoucouldlookatamagnumwithoutflushingandatacherootwithoutturningwhite,yousuppliedmewithmostofthematerial。Takeitbackagain-wouldthatIcouldhavepreservedyourfatherlessspeechinthetelling-takeitback,andbyyourslipperedhearthreadittothelateMissDeercourt。Shewillnotbeanythemorewillingtoreceivemycards,butshewilladmireyouimmensely,andyou,Ifeelsure,willloveme。Youmayeveninvitemetoanotherverybaddinner-attheClub,which,asyouandyourwifeknow,isasafeneutralgroundfortheentertainmentofwildasses。Then,myverydearhypocrite,weshallbequits。

Yoursalways,RUDYARDKIPLING。

P。S-OnsecondthoughtsIshouldrecommendyoutokeepthebookawayfromMrs。Mafflin。

POORDEARMAMMA

Thewildhawktothewind-sweptsky,Thedeertothewholesomewold,Andtheheartofamantotheheartofamaid,Asitwasinthedaysofold。GypsySong。

SCENE-InteriorofMissMINNIETHREEGAN\'SBedroomatSimla。MissTHREEGAN,inwindow-seat,turningoveradrawerfulofthings。MissEMMADEERCOURT,bosom-friend,whohascometospendtheday,sittingonthebed,manipulatingthebodiceofaballroomfrock,andabunchofartificialliliesofthevalley。Time,5:30P。M。onahotMayafternoon。

MissDEERCOURT。Andhesaid:\"Ishallneverforgetthisdance,\"and,ofcourse,Isaid:\"Oh,howcanyoubesosilly!\"Doyouthinkhemeantany-thing,dear?

MissTHREEGAN。(Extractinglonglavendersilkstockingfromtherubbish。)YouknowhimbetterthanIdo。

MissD。Oh,dobesympathetic,Minnie!I\'msurehedoes。AtleastIwouldbesureifhewasn\'talwaysridingwiththatodiousMrs。

Hagan。

MissT。Isupposeso。Howdoesonemanagetodancethroughone\'sheelsfirst?Lookatthis-isn\'titshameful?(Spreadsstocking-heelonopenhandforinspection。)

MissD。Nevermindthat!Youcan\'tmendit。Helpmewiththishatefulbodice。I\'verunthestringso,andI\'verunthestringso,andIcan\'tmakethefulnesscomeright。Wherewouldyouputthis?

(Wavesliliesofthevalley。)

MissT。Ashighupontheshoulderaspossible。

MissD。AmIquitetallenough?IknowitmakesMayOlderlooklopsided。

MissT。Yes,butMayhasn\'tyourshoulders。Hersarelikeahock-bottle。

BEARER。(Rappingatdoor。)CaptainSahibaya。

MissD。(Jumpingupwildly,andhuntingforbodice,whichshehasdiscardedowingtotheheatoftheday。)CaptainSahib!WhatCaptainSahib?Oh,goodgracious,andI\'monlyhalfdressed!

Well,Isha\'n\'tbother。

MissT。(Calmly。)Youneedn\'t。Itisn\'tforus。That\'sCaptainGadsby。HeisgoingforaridewithMamma。Hegenerallycomesfivedaysoutoftheseven。

AGONIZEDVOICE。(Promaninnerapartment。)Minnie,runoutandgiveCaptainGadsbysometea,andtellhimIshallbereadyintenminutes;and,OMinnie,cometomeaninstant,there\'sadeargirl!

MissT。Oh,bother!(Aloud。)Verywell,Mamma。

Exit,andreappears,afterfiveminutes,flushed,andrubbingherfingers。

MissD。Youlookpink。Whathashappened?

MissT。(Inastagewhisper。)Atwenty-four-inchwaist,andshewon\'tletitout。Wherearemybangles?(Rummageronthetoilet-table,anddabsatherhairwithabrushintheinterval。)

MissD。WhoisthisCaptainGadsby?Idon\'tthinkI\'vemethim。

MissT。Youmusthave。HebelongstotheHarrarset。I\'vedancedwithhim,butI\'venevertalkedtohim。He\'sabigyellowman,justlikeanewly-hatchedchicken,withanenormousmoustache。Hewalkslikethis(imitatesCavalryswagger),andhegoes\"Ha-Hmmm!\"deepdowninhisthroatwhenhecan\'tthinkofanythingtosay。Mammalikeshim。Idon\'t。

MissD。(Abstractedly。)Doeshewaxthatmoustache?

MissT。(BusywithPowder-puff。)Yes,Ithinkso。Why?

MissD。(Bendingoverthebodiceandsewingfuriously。)Oh,nothing-only-MissT。(Sternly。)Onlywhat?Outwithit,Emma。

MissD。Well,MayOlger-she\'sengagedtoMr。Charteris,youknow-said-Promiseyouwon\'trepeatthis?

MissT。Yes,Ipromise。Whatdidshesay?

MissD。That-thatbeingkissed(witharush)withamanwhodidn\'twaxhismoustachewas-likeeatinganeggwithoutsalt。

MissT。(Atherfullheight,withcrushingscorn。)MayOlgerisahorrid,nastyThing,andyoucantellherIsaidso。I\'mgladshedoesn\'tbelongtomyset-Imustgoandfeedthisman!DoIlookpresentable?

MissD。Yes,perfectly。BequickandhandhimovertoyourMother,andthenwecantalk。Ishalllistenatthedoortohearwhatyousaytohim。

MissT。\'SureIdon\'tcare。I\'mnotafraidofCaptainGadsby。

Inproofofthisswingsintothedrawing-roomwithamannishstridefollowedbytwoshortsteps,whichProducestheeffectofarestivehorseentering。MissesCAPTAINGADSBY,whoissittingintheshadowofthewindow-curtain,andgazesroundhelplessly。

CAPTAINGADSBY。(Aside。)Thefilly,byJove!\'Mustha\'

pickedupthatactionfromthesire。(Aloud,rising。)Goodevening,MissThreegan。

MissT。(Consciousthatsheisflushing。)Goodevening,CaptainGadsby。Mammatoldmetosaythatshewillbereadyinafewminutes。Won\'tyouhavesometea?(Aside。)IhopeMammawillbequick。WhatamItosaytothecreature?(Aloudandabruptly。)

Milkandsugar?

CAPT。G。Nosugar,tha-anks,andverylittlemilk。Ha-Hmmm。

MissT。(Aside。)Ifhe\'sgoingtodothat,I\'mlost。Ishalllaugh。I

knowIshall!

CAPT。G。(Pullingathismoustacheandwatchingitsidewaysdownhisnose。)Ha-Hamm。(Aside。)\'Wonderwhatthelittlebeastcantalkabout。\'Mustmakeashotatit。

MissT。(Aside。)Oh,thisisagonizing。Imustsaysomething。

BothTogether。HaveyouBeen-CAPT。G。Ibegyourpardon。Youweregoingtosay-MissT。(Whohasbeenwatchingthemoustachewithawedfascination。)Won\'tyouhavesomeeggs?

CAPT。G。(Lookingbewilderedlyatthetea-table。)Eggs!(Aside。)

OHades!Shemusthaveanursery-teaatthishour。S\'posethey\'vewipedhermouthandsenthertomewhiletheMotherisgettingonherduds。(Aloud。)No,thanks。

MissT。(Crimsonwithconfusion。)Oh!Ididn\'tmeanthat。I

wasn\'tthinkingofmou-eggsforaninstant。Imeansalt。Won\'tyouhavesomesa-sweets?(Aside。)He\'llthinkmearavinglunatic。I

wishMammawouldcome。

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Itwasanursery-teaandshe\'sashamedofit。ByJove!Shedoesn\'tlookhalfbadwhenshecolorsuplikethat。

(Aloud,helpinghimselffromthedish。)HaveyouseenthosenewchocolatesatPeliti\'s?

MissT。No,Imadethesemyself。Whataretheylike?

CAPT。G。These!De-licious。(Aside。)Andthat\'safact。

MissT。(Aside。)Oh,bother!he\'llthinkI\'mfishingforcompliments。(Aloud。)No,Peliti\'sofcourse。

CAPT。G。(Enthusiastically。)Nottocomparewiththese。Howd\'youmakethem?Ican\'tgetmykhansamahtounderstandthesimplestthingbeyondmuttonandfowl。

MissT。Yes?I\'mnotakhansamah,youknow。Perhapsyoufrightenhim。Youshouldneverfrightenaservant。Heloseshishead。It\'sverybadpolicy。

CAPT。G。He\'ssoawf\'lystupid。

MissT。(FoldingherhandsinherZap。)Youshouldcallhimquietlyandsay:\"Okhansamahjee!\"

CAPT。G。(Gettinginterested。)Yes?(Aside。)Fancythatlittlefeatherweightsaying,\"Okhansamahjee\"tomybloodthirstyMirKhan!

MissTThenyoushouldexplainthedinner,dishbydish。

CAPT。G。ButIcan\'tspeakthevernacular。

MissT。(Patronizingly。)YoushouldpasstheHigherStandardandtry。

CAPT。G。Ihave,butIdon\'tseemtobeanythewiser。Areyou?

MissT。IneverpassedtheHigherStandard。Butthekhansamahisverypatientwithme。Hedoesn\'tgetangrywhenItalkaboutsheep\'stopees,orordermaundsofgrainwhenImeanseers。

CAPT。G。(Asidewithintenseindignation。)I\'dliketoseeMirKhanbeingrudetothatgirl!Hullo!SteadytheBuffs!(Aloud。)

Anddoyouunderstandabouthorses,too?

MissT。Alittle-notverymuch。Ican\'tdoctorthem,butIknowwhattheyoughttoeat,andIaminchargeofourstable。

CAPT。G。Indeed!Youmighthelpmethen。WhatoughtamantogivehissaisintheHills?Myruffiansayseightrupees,becauseeverythingissodear。

MissT。Sixrupeesamonth,andonerupeeSimlaallowance-

neithermorenorless。Andagrass-cutgetssixrupees。That\'sbetterthanbuyinggrassinthebazar。

CAPT。G。(Admiringly。)Howdoyouknow?

MissT。Ihavetriedbothways。

CAPT。G。Doyouridemuch,then?I\'veneverseenyouontheMall。

MissT。(Aside。)Ihaven\'tpassedhimmorethanfiftytimes。

(Aloud。)Nearlyeveryday。

CAPT。G。ByJove!Ididn\'tknowthat。Ha-Hamm(Pullsathismousacheandissilentforfortyseconds。)MissT。(Desperately,andwonderingwhatwillhappennext。)Itlooksbeautiful。I

shouldn\'ttouchitifIwereyou。(Aside。)It\'sallMamma\'sfaultfornotcomingbefore。Iwillberude!

CAPT。G。(Bronzingunderthetanandbringingdownhishandveryquickly。)Eh!What-at!Oh,yes!Ha!Ha!(Laughsuneasily。)

(Aside。)Well,ofallthedashedcheek!Ineverhadawomansaythattomeyet。Shemustbeacoolhandorelse-Ah!thatnursery-tea!

VOICEPROMTHEUNKNOWN。Tchk!Tchk!Tchk!

CAPT。G。Goodgracious!What\'sthat?

MissT。Thedog,Ithink。(Aside。)Emmahasbeenlistening,andI\'llneverforgiveher!

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Theydon\'tkeepdogshere。(Aloud。)\'Didn\'tsoundlikeadog,didit?

MissT。Thenitmusthavebeenthecat。Let\'sgointotheveranda。

Whatalovelyeveningitis!

Stepsintoverandaandlooksoutacrossthehillsintosunset。TheCAPTAINfollows。

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Superbeyes!IwonderthatInevernoticedthembefore!(Aloud。)There\'sgoingtoheadanceatViceregalLodgeonWednesday。Canyousparemeone?

MissT。(Shortly。)No!Idon\'twantanyofyourcharity-dances。

YouonlyaskmebecauseMammatoldyouto。IhopandIbump。

YouknowIdo!

CAPT。G。(Aside。)That\'strue,butlittlegirlsshouldn\'tunderstandthesethings。(Aloud。)No,onmyword,Idon\'t。Youdancebeautifully。

MissT。Thenwhydoyoualwaysstandoutafterhalfadozenturns?IthoughtofficersintheArmydidn\'ttellfibs。

CAPT。G。Itwasn\'tafib,believeme。Ireallydowantthepleasureofadancewithyou。

MissT。(Wickedly。)Why?Won\'tMammadancewithyouanymore?

CAPT。G。(Moreearnestlythanthenecessitydemands。)Iwasn\'tthinkingofyourMother。(Aside。)Youlittlevixen!

MissT。(Stilllookingoutofthewindow。)Eh?Oh,Ibegyourpardon。Iwasthinkingofsomethingelse。

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Well!Iwonderwhatshe\'llsaynext。I\'veneverknownawomantreatmelikethisbefore。Imightbe——Dashit,I

mightbeanInfantrysubaltern!(Aloud。)Oh,pleasedon\'ttrouble。

I\'mnotworththinkingabout。Isn\'tyourMotherreadyyet?

MissT。Ishouldthinkso;butpromiseme,CaptainGadsby,youwon\'ttakepoordearMammatwiceroundJakkoanymore。Ittiresherso。

CAPT。G。Shesaysthatnoexercisetiresher。

MissT。Yes,butshesuffersafterward。Youdon\'tknowwhatrheumatismis,andyououghtn\'ttokeepheroutsolate,whenitgetschillintheevenings。

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Rheumatism。Ithoughtshecameoffherhorseratherinabunch。Whew!Onelivesandlearns。(Aloud。)I\'msorrytohearthat。Shehasn\'tmentionedittome。

MissT。(Flurried。)Ofcoursenot!PoordearMammaneverwould。

Andyoumustn\'tsaythatItoldyoueither。Promisemethatyouwon\'t。Oh,CAPTAINGadsby,promisemeyouwon\'tI

CAPT。G。Iamdumb,or-Ishallbeassoonasyou\'vegivenmethatdance,andanother-ifyoucantroubleyourselftothinkaboutmeforaminute。

MissT。Butyouwon\'tlikeitonelittlebit。You\'llbeawfullysorryafterward。

CAPT。G。Ishalllikeitaboveallthings,andIshallonlybesorrythatIdidn\'tgetmore。(Aside。)NowwhatintheworldamI

saying?

MissT。Verywell。Youwillhaveonlyyourselftothankifyourtoesaretroddenon。ShallwesaySeven?

CAPT。G。AndEleven。(Aside。)Shecan\'tbemorethaneightstone,but,eventhen,it\'sanabsurdlysmallfoot。(Looksathisownridingboots。)

MissT。They\'rebeautifullyshiny。Icanalmostseemyfaceinthem。

CAPT。G。IwasthinkingwhetherIshouldhavetogooncrutchesfortherestofmylifeifyoutrodonmytoes。

MissT。Verylikely。WhynotchangeElevenforasquare?

CAPT。G。No,please!Iwantthembothwaltzes。Won\'tyouwritethemdown?

MissT。Jdon\'tgetsomanydancesthatIshallconfusethem。Youwillbetheoffender。

CAPT。G。Waitandsee!(Aside。)Shedoesn\'tdanceperfectly,perhaps,butMissT。Yourteamusthavegotcoldbythistime。Won\'tyouhaveanothercup?

CAPT。G。No,thanks。Don\'tyouthinkit\'spleasanteroutintheveranda?(Aside。)Ineversawhairtakethatcolorinthesunshinebefore。(Aloud。)It\'slikeoneofDicksee\'spictures。

MissT。YesIIt\'sawonderfulsunset,isn\'tit?(Bluntly。)ButwhatdoyouknowaboutDicksee\'spictures?

CAPT。G。IgoHomeoccasionally。AndIusedtoknowtheGalleries。(Nervously。)Youmustn\'tthinkmeonlyaPhilistinewith-amoustache。

MissT。Don\'t!Pleasedon\'t。I\'msosorryforwhatIsaidthen。Iwashorriblyrude。Itslippedoutbeforejthought。Don\'tyouknowthetemptationtosayfrightfulandshockingthingsjustforthemeresakeofsayingthem?I\'mafraidIgavewaytoit。

CAPT。G。(Watchingthegirlassheflushes。)IthinkIknowthefeeling。Itwouldbeterribleifweallyieldedtoit,wouldn\'tit?Forinstance,Imightsay-POORDEARMAMMA。(Entering,habited,hatted,andbooted。)Ah,CaptainGadsby?\'Sorrytokeepyouwaiting。\'Hopeyouhaven\'tbeenbored。\'Mylittlegirlbeentalkingtoyou?

MissT。(Aside。)I\'mnotsorryIspokeabouttherheumatism。I\'mnot!I\'mNOT!IonlywishedI\'dmentionedthecornstoo。

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Whatashame!Iwonderhowoldsheis。Itneveroccurredtomebefore。(Aloud。)We\'vebeendiscussing\"Shakespeareandthemusicalglasses\"intheveranda。

MissT。(Aside。)Niceman!Heknowsthatquotation。Heisn\'taPhilistinewithamoustache。(Aloud。)Good-bye,CaptainGadsby。

(Aside。)Whatahugehandandwhatasqueeze!Idon\'tsupposehemeantit,buthehasdriventheringsintomyfingers。

POORDEARMAMMA。HasVermillioncomeroundyet?Oh,yes!CaptainGadsby,don\'tyouthinkthatthesaddleistoofarforward?(Theypassintothefrontveranda。)

CAPT。G。(Aside。)HowthedickensshouldIknowwhatsheprefers?Shetoldmethatshedotedonhorses。(Aloud。)Ithinkitis。

MissT。(Comingoutintofrontveranda。)Oh!BadBuldoo!I

mustspeaktohimforthis。Hehastakenupthecurbtwolinks,andVermillionbatesthat。(Passesoutandtohorse\'shead。)

CAPT。G。Letmedoit!

Miss。T。No,Vermillionunderstandsme。Don\'tyou,oldman?

(Loosescurb-chainskilfully,andpatshorseonnoseandthrottle。)

PoorVermillion!Didtheywanttocuthischinoff?There!

CaptainGadsbywatchestheinterludewithundisguisedadmiration。

POORDEARMAMMA。(TartlytoMissT。)You\'veforgottenyourguest,Ithink,dear。

MissT。Goodgracious!SoIhave!Good-bye。(Retreatsindoorshastily。)

POORDEARMAMMA。(Bunchingreinsinfingershamperedbytootightgauntlets。)CAPTAINGadsby!

CAPTAINGADSBYstoopsandmakesthefoot-rest。POOR

DEARMAMMAblunders,haltstoolong,andbreaksthroughit。

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Can\'tholdupevenstoneforever。It\'sallyourrheumatism。(Aloud。)Can\'timaginewhyIwassoclumsy。

(Aside。)NowLittleFeatherweightwouldhavegoneuplikeabird。

Theyrideoatofthegarden。TheCaptainfallsback。

CAPT。G。(Aside。)Howthathabitcatchesherunderthearms!

Ugh!

POORDEARMAMMA。(Withthewornsmileofsixteenseasons,theworseforexchange。)You\'redullthisafternoon,CAPTAINGadsby。

CAPT。G。(Spurringupwearily。)Whydidyoukeepmewaitingsolong?

Etcetera,etcetera,etcetera。

(ANINTERVALOFTHREEWEEKS。)

GILDEDYOUTH。(SittingonrailingsoppositeTownHall。)

Hullo,Gandy!\'BeentrottingouttheGorgonzola!WeallthoughtitwastheGorganyou\'remashing。

CAPT。G。(Withwitheringemphasis。)Youyoungcub!Whatthe-

doesitmattertoyou?

ProceedstoreadGILDEDYOUTHalectureondiscretionanddeportment,whichcrumbleslatterlikeaChineseLantern。Departsfuming。

(FURTHERINTERVALOFFIVEWEEKS。)SCENE-ExteriorofNewSimlaLibraryonafoggyevening。MissTHREECANandMissDEERCOURT

meetamongthe\'rickshaws。MissT。iscarryingabundleofbooksunderherleftarm。

MissD。(Levelintonation。)Well?

Miss\'I\'。(Ascendingintonation。)Well?

MissD。(Capturingherfriend\'sleftarm,takingawayallthebooks,placingbooksin\'rickshaw,returningtoarm,securinghandbythirdfingerandinvestigating。)Well!Youbadgirl!Andyounevertoldme。

MissT。(Demurely。)He-he-heonlyspokeyesterdayafternoon。

MissD。Blessyou,dear!AndI\'mtobebridesmaid,aren\'tI?Youknowyoupromisedeversolongago。

MissT。Ofcourse。I\'lltellyouallaboutitto-morrow。(Getsinto\'rickshaw。)OEmma!

MissD。(Withintenseinterest。)Yes,dear?

MissT。(Piano。)It\'squitetrue——about-the-egg。

MissD。Whategg?

MissT。(Pianissimoprestissimo。)Theeggwithoutthesalt。

(Porte。)Chalogharkojaldi,jhampani!(Gohome,jhampani。)