ToG。H。L。
WhostoodgodfathertothesecontentsPrefaceThisSpaceTo—LettoAnyReputablePartyDesiringaGoodPrefaceContentsI。TummiesII。TeethIII。HairIV。HandsandfeetTummiesDr。WoodsHutchinsonsaysthatfatpeoplearehappierthanotherpeople。HowdoesDr。WoodsHutchinsonknow？Didheeverhavetoleavethetwotopbuttonsofhisvestunfastenedonaccountofhisextrachins？Hasthepressurefromwithinagainstthewaistbandwherethewatchfobislocatedeverbeensogreatinhiscasethathehadpartiallytoundresshimselftofindoutwhattimeitwas？
Doeshehavetotakethetailor\'swordforitthathistrousersneedpressing？
Hedoesnot。Andthatsortofaremarkisonlywhatmightbeexpectedfromanypersonupwardofsevenfeettallandweighingaboutninety—eightpoundswithhisheavyunderwearon。IshallfreelytakeDr。WoodsHutchinson\'sstatementsonthejoysandillsofthethin。Butwhenheundertakestotellmethatfatpeoplearehappierthanthinpeople，itisonlyhearsayevidencewithhimanddeclinetoaccepthisstatementsunchallenged。Heisgoingoutsideofhisclass。Heis，asyoumightsay，nomorethananinnocentbystander。WhereasIamaqualifiedauthority。
Iwilladmitthatatonestageofmylife，Iregardedfleshinessasadesirableasset。Theincidentcameaboutinthisway。Therewasacircusshowinginourtownandanumberofusproposedtoattendit。Itwasoneofthoseone—ring，ten—centcircusesthatusedtogoaboutoverthecountry，anditismypresentrecollectionthatallofushadfundslaidbysufficienttobuytickets;butifwecouldprocureadmissionintheregularwaywefeltitwouldbeasinfulwasteofmoneytopayourwayin。
Withthisideainmindwewentscoutingroundbackofthemaintenttoacomparativelysecludedspot，andtherewefoundaplacewherethecanvasside—wallliftedclearoftheearthforamatteroffourorfiveinches。Weheldaninformalcaucustodecidewhoshouldshouldgofirst。Thehonorlaybetweentwoofus——betweenthepresentwriter，whowasreasonablyskinny，andanotherboy，namedThompson，whowasevenskinnier。Hewon，asthesayingis，onform。Itwasdecidedbypracticallyaunanimousvote，healonedissenting，thatheshouldcrawlunderandseehowthelandlayinside。Ifeverythingwasallrighthewouldmakeitknownbycertainsignalsandwewouldthenfollow，onebyone。
TwoofusliftedthecanvasverygentlyandthisThompsonboystartedtowriggleunder。Hewasabouthalfwayinwhen——zip！——likeaflashhebodilyvanished。Hewasgone，leavingonlythemarkswherehistoeshadgougedthesoil。Startled，welookedatoneanother。
Therewassomethingpeculiaraboutthis。Herewasaboywhohadstartedintoacircustentinacircumspect，indeed，ahighlycautiousmanner，andthenfinishedthetripwithundueandsuddenprecipitancy。
Itwasmorethanpeculiar——itborderedupontheuncanny。Itwassinister。Withoutawordhavingbeenspokenwedecidedtogoawayfromthere。
Wearingexpressionsofintenseunconcernandsterlinginnocenceuponouryoungfaceswedidgoawayfromthereanddriftedbackinthegeneraldirectionofthemainentrance。Wearrivedjustintimetomeetouryoungfriendcomingout。Hecamehurriedly，usinghishandsandhisfeetboth，hisfeetfortravelingandhishandsforrubbingpurposes。Immediatelybehindhimwasalarge，coarsemanusinglanguagethatstampedhimasamanwhohadoutgrownthespiritofyouthandwaspreeminentlyoutoftouchwiththeidealsandaimsofboyhood。
AtthatperioditseemedtomeandtotheThompsonboy，whowasmovedtospeakfeelinglyonthesubject，andinfacttoallofus，thatexcessiveslimnessmighthaveitsdrawbacks。Sincethattimeseveralofushavehadoccasiontochangeourminds。Withthepassageofyearswehavefleshenedup，andnowweknowbetter。ThelasttimeIsawtheThompsonboyhewasknownasExcess—BaggageThompson。Hisfigureinprofilesuggestedamancarryingaroll—topdeskinhisarmsandhisfacelookedlikeafacethathadrefusedtojellandwasabouttorundownonhisclothes。Hespokelonginglyofthedaysofhisyouthandwonderediftheshapeofhiskneeshadchangedmuchsincethelasttimehesawthem。
Yessir，nomatterwhatDoctorHutchinsonsays，Icontendthattheslimmanhasallthebestofitinthisworld。Thefatmanistheuniversalgoat;heishumanity\'sstandingjoke。Stomachsarethecurseofourmoderncivilization。Whenamangetsastomachhistroublesbegin。Ifyoudoubtthisaskanyfatman——Istartedtosayaskanyfatwoman，too。Onlytherearen\'tanyfatwomentospeakof。Therearewomenwhoareplumpandwilladmitit;thereareevenwomenwhoareinclinedtobestout。Butoutsideofdimemuseumstherearenofatwomen。Butthereareplentyoffatmen。
Askoneofthem。Askanyoneofthem。Askme。
Thisthingofacquiringatummystealsononeinsidiously，likeathiefinthenight。Younoticethatyouareplumpingoutatrifleandforthetimebeingyoufeelasortofsmallpersonalsatisfactioninit。Yourshirtsfityoubetter。Youlovetheslightstrainuponthebuttonholes。Youadmirethepleasantplunkingsoundsuggestiveofripewatermelonswhenyoupatyourself。Thenadaycomeswhenthepersuasiveodorofmothballsfillstheautumnalairandeverybodyatthebarbershopishavingthebackofhisneckshavedalso，thusbetokeningawakenedsocialactivities，andwheneveningisathandyoutakethedress—suit，whichfittedyousowell，outoftheclosetwhereithasbeenhangingandundertaketobackyourselfintoit。Youarepainedtolearnthatitisaboutthreesizestoosmall。Atfirstyouareinclinedtoblamethesuitforshrinking，butsecondthoughtconvincesyouthatthefaultlieselsewhere。Itisyouthathaveswollen，notthesuitthathasshrunk。Thebuttonsthatshouldadornthefrontofthecoatarenowplainlyvisiblefromtherear。
Youbuyanotherdress—suitandnextfallyouhaveout—grownthatonetoo。Youpantlikealizardwhenyouruntocatchacar。Youcrossyourlegsandhavetoholdthecrossedoneonwithbothhandstokeepyourstomachfromshovingitoffinspace。Afterawhileyouquitcrossingthemandarecontentwithdawdlingyourselfonyourownlap。Youarefat！Dog—goneit——youarefat！
Youareupagainstitanditisupagainstyou，whichisworse。Youaresomethingforpeopletolaughat。Youarealsoexpectedtolaugh。Itisallrightforathinmantobegrouchy;peoplewillsaythepoorcreaturehasdyspepsiaandshouldbehumoredalong。
Butafatmanwithagrouchisinexcusableinanycompany——thereissomuchofhimtobegrouchy。Heconstitutesawaveofdiscontentandaperiodofgeneraldepression。Heisnotexpectedtoberomanticandsentimentaleither。Itisallrightforagiraffetobesentimental，butnotahippopotamus。Ifyoudoubtmeconsultanysetofnaturalhistorypictures。Thegiraffeisshownwithhislongandsinuousneckentwinedinfondembraceabouttheneckofhismate;buttheamphibious，blood—sweatinghippoisdepictedasspoutingandwallowing，moroseandmisanthropic，inamudpuddleoffbyhimself。InpassingImaysaythatIregardthiscomparisonasaparticularlyaptone，becauseIknowofnolivingcreaturesotrulyamphibiousinhotweatherasanopen—poredfatman，unlessitisahippopotamus。
Ohhowtrueisthesayingthatnobodylovesafatman！Whenfatcomesuponthefrontporchlovejumpsoutofthethird—storywindow。
Loveinacottage？Yes。Loveinarenderingplant？No。Afatman\'sheartissupposedtoliesofarinlandthatthesofteremotionscannotreachitatall。Yetthefattestarethetruest，ifyoudidbutknowit，andalsotheyarethetenderestandamanwithadoublechinrarelyleadsadoublelife。Foronething，itrequirestoomuchmovinground。
Afatmancannotweartheclotheshewouldliketowear。Asaracefatmenarefondofbrightandcheerfulcolors;butnofatmancanindulgehisinnocentdesiresinthisdirectionwithoutgrievinghisfamilyandfriendsandexcitingthederisivelaughteroftheunthinking。Ifheputsonafancy—floweredvest，they\'llsayhelookslikeaHangingGardenofBabylon。Andyethehasafigurejustmadeforshowingoffafancy—floweredvesttobesteffect。
Hemayfavorsomethinginlightchecksforhisspringsuit;butifheventuresabroadinacheckedsuit，ribaldstrangerswilllookathimmeaninglyandremarktooneanotherthatthecenterofpopulationappearstobeshiftingagain。Ithasbeenmyobservationthatfatmenareinstinctivelydrawntoshorttanovercoatsfortheearlyfall。Butafatmaninashorttanovercoat，strollinguptheavenueofasunnyafternoon，willbeconstantlyoverhearingpersonsbehindhimwonderingwhytheydidn\'twaituntilnighttomovethebankvault。Thatirkshimsore;butifheturnsroundtoreproachthemheisliabletoshoveanoldladyorapoorblindmanoffthesidewalk，andthen，likeasnot，somegaminwillsingout:\"Hullygee，Chimmy，wot\'sbecomeoftherestoftheparade？\"Ere\'sthebassdrumgoin\'homeallbyitself。\"
I\'veknownofjustsuchremarksbeingmadeandIassureyoutheycutasensitivesoultothecore。Notforthefatmanarethesnappyclothesforvarsitymenandthepatternscalledbythetailorsconfinedbecausethatiswhattheyshouldbebutaren\'t。
Notforhimthesilkenshirtwiththebroadstripes。Shirtswithstripesthatweremeanttorunverticallybutarecausedtorunhorizontally，byreasonsoverwhichthewearerhasnocontrol，remindothersoftheawningoveranItaliangrocery。Sothefatmanmuststicktosobernavybluesanddepressingblacksandmelancholygrays。Heisadvisedthatheshouldwearhiseveningclotheswheneverpossible，becauseblackandwhitelinesaremorebecomingtohim。Butevenineveningclothes，thatwideexpanseofglazedshirtandthosewhiteenamelstudswillputtheonlookersinmindofthefrontendofadairylunchorsoIhavebeencruellytold。
Whenplanningpublicutilities，whothinksofafatman？Thereneverwasahansomcabmadethatwouldholdafatmancomfortablyunlessheleftthedoorsopen，andthatmakeshimfeelundressed。
Thereneverwasanorchestraseatinatheaterthatwouldcontainallofhimatthesametime——hechurnsupandsloshesoutoverthesides。Apartmenthousesandelevatorsandhoteltowelsareallconstructedupontheideathattheworldispopulatedbystock—sizepeoplewiththosedouble—A—lastshapes。
TakeaPullmancar，forinstance。Oneofthesaddestsightsknownisthatofafatmantryingtoundressononeofthoseclosetshelvescalledupperberthswithoutgettinghopelesslyentangledinthehammockorcommittingsuicidebyhanginghimselfwithhisownsuspenders。Andafterthat，thenextmostdistressingsightisthesamefatmanafterhehasundressedandislyingthere，spoutinglikeasperm—whaleandoverflowinghisreservationlikeacrockofsalt—risingdoughinawarmkitchen，andwonderinghowhecanturnoverwithoutbulgingthesideofthecarandmaybecausingawreck。
Ahme，thosedarkgreencurtainswiththeovercoatbuttonsonthemhidemanyadistressfulspectaclefromthetravelingpublic！
Ifafatmanundertakestoreducenobodysympathizeswithhim。A
thinmantryingtofattenupsohewon\'tfallallthewaythroughhistrouserswhenhedraws\'emoninthemorningisanobjectofsympathyandofadmiration，andpeoplecomefrommilesroundandgivehimadviceabouthowtodoit。Butsupposeafatmanwantstotraindowntoapointwhere，whenhegoesintoatelephoneboothandsays\"Ninety—fourBroad，\"thespectatorswillknowheistryingtogetanumberandnottellinghistailorwhathiswaistmeasureis。
Ishegreetedwithsympatheticunderstanding？Heisnot。Heisgreetedwithderisionandpeoplestandroundandgloatathim。Theauthoritiesrecommendhealthexercises，buthealthexercisesarealmostinvariablyundignifiedineffectandwearingbesides。Whowantstogreetthedewymornbylyingflatonhisbackandliftinghisfeetfiftytimes？Whatkindofawayisthattogreetthedewymornanyhow？Andbendingoverwiththekneesstiffandtouchingthetipsofthetoeswiththetipsofthefingers——that\'snoemploymentforagrownmanwithafamilytosupportandapositiontomaintaininsociety。Besideswhichitcannotbedone。Imakethestatementunequivocallyandwithoutfearofsuccessfulcontradictionthatitcannotbedone。Andifitcouldbedone——
whichasIsayitcan\'t——therewouldbenorealpleasureintouchingasetoftoesthatonehasknownofonlybycommonrumorforyears。Thosetoesarethesameasstrangerstoyou——youknewtheywereintheneighborhood，ofcourse，butyouhaven\'tbeenintimatewiththem。
Maybeyoutrydieting，whichiscontrarytonature。Natureintendedthatafatmanshouldeatheartily，elsewhyshouldsheendowhimwiththecapacityandtheaccommodations。Starvinginthemidstofplentyisnotforhimwhohasplentyofmidst。Naturemeantthatafatmanshouldhaveanappetiteandthatheshouldgratifyitatregularintervals——meantthatheshouldfeelliketheGrandCanyonbeforedinnerandliketheRoyalGorgeafterward。Anyhow，dietingforafatmanconsistsinnoteatinganythingthat\'sfittoeat。Thespecialistmerelytellshimtoeatwhatahorsewouldeatandhasthenervetochargehimforwhathecouldhavefoundoutforhimselfatanyliverystable。Ofcoursehemightbantinthesamewaythatawomanbants。Youknowhowawomanbants。Shebeginsthedayveryresolutely，andifyouareherhusbandyouwanttoavoidirritatingherorupsettingher，becausehellhathnofurylikeawomanbanting。Forbreakfastshetakesaswallowoflukewarmwaterandhalfofasodacracker。Forluncheonshetakestheotherhalfofthecrackerandleavesoffthewater。Fordinnersheorderseverythingonthemenuexceptthedateandthenameoftheproprietor。Shedoesthisinordertogiveherstrengthtogoonwiththetreatment。
Nofatmanwoulddietthatway;butnomatterwhichwayhedoesdietitdoesn\'tdohimanygood。Healthexercisesonlymakehimmuscle—soreandbringonwhattheHarvardballteamcalltheCharlesW。Horse;whilebantingresultsinattacksofthosekindredcomplaints——theMollieK。GrubbsandtheFanJ。Todds。
Walkingissometimesrecommendedandtheexampleofthecamelispointedout，thecamelbeingacreaturethatcanwalkfordaysanddays。But，ashasbeensaidbysomethinkingperson，whointhunderwantstobeacamel？Thesubjectofhorsebackridingisalsobroughtupfrequentlyinthisconnection。Itisoneofthecommonestdelusionsamongfatmenthathorsebackridingwillbringthemdownandmakethemsylphlikeandwillowy。Ihaveseveralfatmenamongmylistsofacquaintanceswholaborunderthisfallacy。
Noneofthemwaseveranatural—bornhorsebackrider;noneofthemeverwillbe。Iliketogooutofabrightmorningandtakeacomfortableseatonaparkbench——oneparkbenchisplentyroomyenoughifnobodyelseisusingit——andsitthereandwatchtheseunhappypersonspassingsinglefilealongthebridle—path。IsitthereandgloatuntilbyrightsIoughttoberequiredtotakeoutagloater\'slicense。
Mindyou，Ihavenoprejudiceagainsthorsebackridingassuch。
HorsebackridingisallrightformountedpolicemenandColonelW。F。CodyandmembersoftheStickneyfamilyandthepartywhousedtoplayMazeppainthesterlingdramaofthatname。Thatishowthosepersonsmaketheirliving。Theyaresuitedforitandacclimatedtoit。ItisalsoallrightforequestrianstatuesofgeneralsintheCivilWar。Butitisnotafitemploymentforafatmanandespeciallyforafatmanwhoinsistsontryingtorideahard—trottinghorseEnglishstyle，whichreallyisn\'tridingatallwhenyoucomerightdowntocases，butanoutdoorcureforneurastheniainvented，Itakeit，byaBritishsubjectwhowasnervoushimselfandhatedtostaylonginoneplace。So，asI
wassaying，Isitthereonmycomfortableparkbenchandwatchthosefriendsofminebouncingby，eachwearingonhisfacethatsetexpressionwhichisseenalsoonthefacesofsomemenwhilewaltzing，andonthefacesofmostwomenwhenentertainingtheirrelativesbymarriage。Ihaveonefriendwhoisaddictedtothisformofpunishmentinaviolent，nottosayamalignantform。Heusesforhispurposeatallandself—willedhorseoftheTudorperiod——ahorsewiththosehighdormereffectsandaslopingmansard。Thishorsemusthavebeenraised，Ithink，intheknockaboutsong—and—dancebusiness。Everytimehehearsmusicorthinkshehearsithestopsandvampswithhisfeet。Whenhedoesthismyfriendbendsforwardandclutcheshimroundthenecktightly。Ithinkheistryingtowhisperinthehorse\'searandbeghiminHeaven\'snametoforbear;butwhathelookslikeisSantaClauswithacleanshave，sittingonthecombingofaverysteephousewithhisfeethangingovertheeaves，peekingdownthechimneytoseeifthechildrenareasleepyet。Whenthathorsedieshewillstillhavefingermarksonhisthroatandtheauthoritieswillsuspectfoulplayprobably。
OnceItrieditmyself。IwasinducedtoscaletheheightsofahorsethatwasbuiltsomewhatalongthegeneralideaoftheAndesMountains，onlymoreruggedandsteepernearingthecrest。Fromthegroundhelookedtobenotmorethansixteenhandshigh，butassoonasIwasupontopofhimIimmediatelydiscernedthatitwasnotsixteenhands——itwassixteenmiles。WhatIhadtakenforthehorse\'sblazefacewasasnow—cappedpeak。MissAnnaPeckmighthavefeltathomeupthere，becauseshehashadtheexperienceandisusedtothatsortofthing，butIamnomountainclimbermyself。
BeforeIcouldmakeanymovetodescendtothelowerandlessrarifiedaltitudesthehorsebeganexecutingafewfancysteps，andhestartedtravelingsidewisewithakindofaslantingbiasmovementthatwasextremelydisconcerting，nottosayalarming，insteadofproceedingstraightaheadasaregularhorsewould。I
clungthereastraddleofhisridgepole，withmyfingerstwinedinhismane，tryingtoanticipatewherehewouldbenext，inordertobetheretomeethimifpossible;andIresolvedrightthenthat，ifProvidenceinHiswisdomsowilleditthatIshouldgetdownfromuptherealive，Iwouldneverdosoagain。However，I
didnotexpresstheselongingsinwords——notatthattime。AtthattimetherewereonlytwowordsintheEnglishlanguagewhichseemedtocometome。Oneofthemwas\"Whoa\"andtheotherwas\"Ouch，\"andIspokethemalternatelywithsuchrapiditythattheymergedintothecompoundword\"Whouch，\"whichisaveryexpressivewordandonethatIwouldfreelyrecommendtootherswhomaybesituatedasIwas。