Butnowelectricityisingeneraluseandnodentist\'sestablishmentiscompletewithoutadynamoattachmentwhichmakesacrooningsoundwheninoperationandprovidesinstrumentalaccompanimenttothesongoftheofficialcanary。
IknowwhyabarberinacountrytownisalwayslearningtoplayontheguitarandIknowwhyamanwithanemotionalAdam\'sapplealwayswearsanopenfrontcollar。Iknowthesethings，butamdebarredfromtellingthembyreasonofasolemnoath。ButIhavenotyetbeenabletodiscoverwhyeverydentistkeepsacanaryinhisoffice。NordoIknowwhyitis，justasyousettleyourneckbackonaheadrestthat\'severybitascomfortableasananvil，andjustasadentistclimbsintoyouasfarasthearmpitsandbeginsprobingatthebottomofatoothwhichhasrootsextendingbackbehindyourears，likeanold—fashionedpairofspectacles，thatthecanarybirdshouldwipehisnoseonacuttleboneanddashintoamelodiousoutburstoftwohundredthousandtwitters，allofthembeingtwittersofthesamesize，shape，andcolor。
Forthatmatter，Idon\'tevenknowwhatkindofananimalacuttleis，althoughIshouldsayfromtheshapeofhisboneasusedbythecanaryinsteadofapockethandkerchief，thatheiscircularandflatandstandsonedgeonlywiththeutmostdifficulty。Ifyouwillpardonmytemporarydigressionsintotherealmofnaturalhistory，wewillnowreturntothemainsubject，whichwasyourtooth。
Themomentthemuscularyoungmanstartsuphismotorandgivesthecanaryitsmusiccueandbeginspawingoverhistoolcollectiontopickoutagoodsharpone，yourecover。Allofasuddenyoufeelfine，andsodoesthetooth。Neitheroneofyoueverfeltbetter。Thefoxterriermusthavekilledthewoodchuckandthencommittedsuicide。Youareabouttomentionthisdoubletragedyandbegtheyoungman\'spardonforcausinghimanytroubleandexcuseyourselfandgoaway，butjustthenhequitsfeelingofhisbicepsandsuddenlyseizesyoubyyourfeaturesandundoesthem。
Ifyouarewhereyoucancatchaglimpseofyourselfinamirroryouwillimmediatelynotehowmuchthehumanfacedivinecanbemadetolooklikeanold—fashionedredbrickColonialfireplace。
Therearelikelytobeseveralthingsyouwouldliketotalkabout。
Youarefullofthoughtsseekingutterance。Foronethingyouwanttotellhimyoudon\'tthinkthebrandofsoapheusesonhishandsisgoingtoagreewithyouatall。Youprobablydon\'tcarepersonallyforthewayyourbarber\'sthumbtasteseither，butabarber\'sthumbisPeachesMelbaalongsideofadentist\'s。Beforeyoucansayanythingthoughhediscoversacavityororificeofsomesortinthebaseofyourtooth。Itseemstogivehimpleasure。Filledwithintensegratificationbythisdiscoveryandfiredmoreoverbytheimpetuousardorofthechase，hegrabsupacrochetneedlewitharedhotstingerontheendofitandjabsitdownyourtoothtoapointaboutoppositewhereyoursuspendersforkintheback。
Youhavewordswithhimthen，oratleastyoustarttohavewordswithhim，butheputshiskneeinyourchestandtellsyouthatitreallydoesn\'thurtatall，butisonlyyourimagination，anduttersothersoothingremarksofthatgeneralnature。Hethenexchangesthecrochetneedleforakindofaninstrumentwithaburrontheendofit。ThisinstrumentfirstcameintouseatthetimeoftheSpanishInquisitionbuthassincebeengreatlyimprovedonandbroughtrightuptodate。Hetakesthishandylittleutensilandproceedstostirupyourimaginationsomemore。
Youagaintrytosaysomething，speakinginamuffledtone，butheisnotlistening。Heiscallingtoabrotherassassinintheadjoiningroomtocomeandseeamagnificentexampleofaprimeold—vattedtripleXexposednerve。SotheSecondGraveDiggerrestshistoolsagainstthepalateofhisvictimandcomesin。
Asnearlyasyoucangatherfromhearsayevidence，younotbeinganeyewitnessyourself，oneofthemharpoonsthenervejustbackofthegillswithanutpick——rememberpleaseitisyournervethattheyaretakingalltheselibertieswith——andpullsitoutofitsretreatandtheothermantakesatackhammerandtriestobeatitsbrainsout。Anytimehemissesthenervehehitsyou，sohisaverageisstillathousand，anditisfinepracticeforhim。A
pleasanttimeishadbyeverybodypresentexceptyouandthenerve。
Thenervewrapsitshindlegsaroundyourbreastboneandhangsondesperately。YouperspirefreelyandmakenoiseslikeadrunkenZulutryingtosingaSwedishfolksongwhileholdingaspoonfulofhotmushinhismouth。
Intimebecomingweariedevenofthesecongenialdiversionsandtiringoftheshoptalkthathasbeengoingon，theseconddentistreturnstohisoriginalpreyandthepartywhohasyouinchargetriesanewexperiment。Hearmshimselfwithakindofanautomatichammeringmachine，somewhatsimilartothesteamriveterusedinconstructingsteelofficebuildings，exceptthatthisoneismorecompactandcandeliverabouteighty—fivemoreblowstothesecond。Thusequipped，hedescendsfarbelowyourhighwatermarkandengagesinaquaticsportsandpastimesforaconsiderableperiodoftime。Itseemstoyouthatyouneversawamanwhocouldgodownandstaydownaslongasthisyoungmancan。Youbegintofeelthatyoumisjudgedhisrealvocationinlifewhenyoudecidedthatheoughttobeaboilermaker。Youknowthathewasintendedforpearlfishing。He\'sanaturalborndeepseadiver。Hedoesn\'tevenhavetocomeuptobreathe，butstaysbelow，kneedeepinyourtidewash，merrilyknockingchunksoffyourlowermostcoralreefswithhislittlesteamriveterandhavingaperfectlylovelytime。
Youareoverflowingcopiouslyandyouwishhewouldtakethetimetostopandbailyouout。Youabhortheideaofbeingdrownedasaninsidejob。Butno，hekeepsrightonandalongabouthereitiscustomaryforyoutoswoonaway。
Onrecovering，youobservethathehaschangedhismindagain。Heisnowgoinginforamateurtheatricalsandisusingyouforatheatre。Firstthoughtfullydrapingalittlerubberdropcurtainacrossyourprosceniumarchtokeepyoufromseeingwhatisgoingonbehindyourownscenes，heissettingthestageforthethrillingsawmillsceneinBlueJeans。Youcandistinctlyfeelthecircularsawatworkandyoucantasteahodofmortarandabucketofhottarandonethingandanotherthathavebeenleftinthewings。Youalsojudgethattheinsulationisburningoffofanelectricfixturesomewhereupstage。
Allthistimethetoothisstillofferingresistance，andeventuallythedentistcomesoutinfrontoncemoreandmakesalittlecurtainspeechtoyou。Hehasjustascertainedthatwhatthetoothreallyneededwasnotfillingbutpulling。Hethoughtatfirstthatitshouldbefilledandthatiswhathehasbeendoing——fillingit——butnowheknowsthatpullingistheindicatedprocedure。Hedoesnotunderstandhowatooththatseemedsoopencouldhavedeceivedhim。Neverthelesshewillnowpullthetooth。
Hepullsher。Shedoesherlevelbestbuthepullsher。Heharvestssmallsectionsofthegumfromtimetotimeandoccasionallyhestopslongenoughtoloosenuptherootsasfardownasyourfloatingribs。Buthepullsher。Hesparesnopainstopullthattooth。Orifhesparesanyyouarenotablesubsequentlytorememberwhattheywere。Youuttervariousloudsoundsinastrangeandincomprehensiblelanguageandhelaysbackandbraceshiskneesagainstyourlowerjaw，andthetoothuttersthedeathrattleandbeginspickingthecover—lid。Andthenhegivesonefinalheaveandbreakstherootsawayfromthelowerpartofyourspinalcolumntowhichtheywereadhering，andemergesintotheopenpantingbuttriumphant，andholdshistrophyupforyoutolookat。Ifyoudidn\'tknowitwasyourtoothyouwouldtakeitforanold—fashionedchinacuspidorthathadbeenneglectedbythejanitor。
Itwasatooththatyouhadbeenprizingforyears，butnowyouwouldn\'thaveitasagraciousgift。Youarethroughwiththattoothforever。Youneverwanttoseeitagain。
Asforthedentist，hecollectsthefixedchargeforstumpageandcorkageandonethingandanotherandyoucomeawaywithafeelinginthesideofyourjawlikeavacantlot。Yourtonguekeepsgoingovertheretoseeifitcanrecognizetheoldplacebytheholewherethefoundationsusedtobe。Youneverrealizedbeforewhatabasementtherewastoatooth。
Asyoucomeoutyoupassafreshvictimgoinginandyouseethedentistwelcomehimandthenturntocrankuphismotorandyouhearthecanarytuningupwithanewlineofv—shapedtwitters。
Andyouaregladthatheistheonewhoisgoinginandthatyouaretheonewhoiscomingout。
Sciencetellsusthattheteetharethehardestthingsinthehumancomposition，whichisallverywellasfarasitgoes，butwhatscienceshoulddoistogoonandfinishthesentence。Itmeansthehardesttokeep。
HairAsIremarkedintheprecedingchapterofthiswork，oneofthepleasantestfeaturesaboutbeingbornisthatwearebornwithoutteethandotherresponsibilities。Teeth，likedebtsandinstallmentpayments，comealonglateron。Itisthesamewaywithhair。
Born，weare，hairlessorcomparativelyso。Weareinahighlyincompletestateatthatperiodofourlives。Ittakesafondanddotingparenttodetectevidencesofanactualhumanaspectinus。
Onlytheearsandthemouthappeartobeuptotheplansandspecifications。Thereisamouthwhichwhenopened，asitgenerallyis，makestherestofthefacelooklikeatire，andthereisapairofearsofsuchgeneroussizethatonlyathirdoneisneeded，roundatthebacksomewhere，togiveustheappearanceofalovingcup。
Andwearesmockedandhem—stitchedwithamillionwrinklesapiece，moreorless，whichpartlyaccountsforthefactthateverynewborninfantlookstobeabouttwohundredyearsold。Anduniformlywehavetheniceredcomplexionofarestaurantlobster。Youknowthatlive—broiledlook？
Asforourotherfeatures，theyaremoreorlessrudimentary。Ofanosethereisonlywhatachemistwouldcallatrace。Itseemshardtoimaginethatadinkylittlenubbinlikethat，adimpleturnedinsideout，asitwere，willeverdevelopintoaregularnose，withacapacityforfrecklinginthesummerandcatchingcoldinthewinter——anosethatyoucansneezethroughandblowwith。
Therearenoeyebrowstospeakofeither，andtheskullrunsuptoasharppointlikeapineapplecheese。Justbackofthepeakisakindofsoft，dented—inplacelikeaParkerHouseroll，andifyoutouchitwedie。Insomecasesthisspotremainssoftthroughoutlife，andthesepersonsgrowupandgothroughrailroadtrainsinpresidentialyearstakingstrawvotes。
And，asIsaidbefore，thereisn\'tanyhair;onlyontheslopesofthecheesearesomeverypale，faint，downylines，whichlookasthoughtheyhadbeensketchedonlightlywithaverysoftdrawingpencilandwouldwipeoffreadily。That，howeveristheinceptionandbeginningofwhatafterwardbecomes，amongourrace，hair。Tolookatityoucouldhardlybelieveit，butitis。Barringaccidentsorbackwardness，itcontinuestogrowfromthattimeonthroughourchildhood，butitsbehaviorisalwaysaprofounddisappointment。Ifthechildisagirland，therefore，entitledtocurlyhair，herhairissuretocomeinstiffandstraight。Ifit\'saboy，towhomcurlswillbeacurseandacrossofaffliction，heismorallycertaintobeascurlyasafrizzlychicken，anduntilhegetsoldenoughtorebelhewillwearlongringletsandboysofhisacquaintancewillinsertcockle—bursandchewinggumintohistresses，andhewillbeknownpopularlyasSissieandotherwisehislifewithbemadejoyousandcarefreeforhim。Ifareddishtoneofhairisdesireditiscertaintogrowoutyelloworbrownorblack;andifbrownisyourfavoriteshadeyouareabsolutelysuretobeniceandred—headed，witheyebrowsandlashestomatch，andsomanycowlicksthatwhenyouremoveyourhatpeoplewillthinkyou\'rewearingtwoorthreehalosatonce。Hairrarelyorneveractsuptoitsadvancenotices。
Oneoftheearliestandmostpainfulrecollectionsofmyyouthisassociatedwithhair。IstilltinglewarmlywhenIthinkofit。
IshouldsayIwasabouteightyearsoldatthetime。Mymothersentmedownthestreettothebarber\'stohavemyhairtrimmed——
shingledwasthetermthenused。Someofmyprivatecollectionofcowlickshadbeguntostandupinawaythatinvitedadversecriticismandremindedpeopleofsunbursts。Theymademelookasthoughmyhairweretryingtopullitselfoutbytherootsandescape。SoIwassenttothebarber\'s。Mylittlecousin，twoyearsyounger，wentalonginmycharge。Itwasthoughtthattheperformancemightentertainher。Iwasmountedinachairandhadaclothtuckedinroundmyneck，likeaself—mademillionaireabouttoeatconsomme。Theofficiatingbarbergotoutashinysteelinstrumentwithjaws——thefirstpairofclippersIhadeverseen——
andheranthisupthebackofmyneck，producingamostagreeablefeeling。HereachedthetopofmyheadandwouldhavepausedbutItoldhimtogorightaheadandclipmecloseallover，whichhedid。WhenhehadfinishedthejobIwassodelightedwiththesensationandwiththeattendantresultasviewedinamirrorthatIsuggestedhemightgivemylittlecousinasimilartreat。FromamerechildIwaseverso——willingalwaystosharemysimplepleasureswiththoseaboutme，especiallywhereitentailednoinconvenienceonmypart。Itoldhimmyfatherwouldpaythebillforbothofuswhenhecamebythatnight。
Thebarberfellinwiththesuggestion。Ithaseverbeenmyexperiencethatabarberwillfallinreadilywithanysuggestionwherebythebarberisgoingtogetsomethingoutofitforhimself。
Inthisinstancehewasgoingtogetanotherquarter，andaquarterwentfartherinthosedaysthanitdoesnow。Idismountedfromthechairandmyinnocentlittlecousinwasinstalledinmyplace。AsInowrecallshemadenoprotest。Thebarberranhisclippersconscientiouslyandpainstakinglyoverhertenderyoungscalp，whileIstoodadmiringlybyandwatchedthelongyellowcurlsfallwrithingupontheflooratmyfeet。Itseemedtomethatagreatandmanifestimprovementwasproducedinhergeneralappearance。
Insteadofbeinghamperedbythosesillycurlsdanglingdownallroundherface，shenowhadaround，slick，smoothdomedecoratedwithastiffyellowishstubble，andtheskinshowedthroughniceandpinkandtheearswerewelldisplayed，whereasbeforetheyhadbeenpracticallyhidden。Shewasalsorelievedofthosefoolishbangshangingdowninhereyes。This，Ishouldhavestated，occurredintheperiodwhenwomankindofwhatsoeverageandalsosomemenworebangs，adiseasefromwhichallhavesincerecoveredwiththeexceptionofracehorsesandprincessesofthevariousreigninghousesofEurope。Andnowmylittlecousinwasshutofthoseannoyingbangs，andherforeheadranupsohighthatyouhadtogoroundbehindhertoseewhereitleftoff。
Filledwithajoyoussenseofachievementandconsciousofakindlydeedworthilyperformed，Itookmylittlecousinbyherhandandledherhome。
Mymotherwaswaitingforusatthefrontdoor。SheseemedsurprisedwhenItookoffmyhatandgaveheralook，butthatwasn\'tacircumstancetohersurprisewhenIproudlytookoffmylittlecousin\'scap。Sheutteredakindofastrangledcryandmycousin\'smothercamerunning，andthewayshecarriedonwasscandalousandilltimed。Iwilldrawaveilovertheproceedingsofthenextfewminutes。AtthetimeitwouldhavebeenasourceofgreatpersonalgratificationandcomforttomeifIcouldhavedrawnanumberofveils，good，thick，woolenones，overtheproceedings。Mymotherwept，myauntwept，mylittlecousinwept，andIamnotashamedtostatethatIweptquitecopiouslymyself。
ButIhadmoreprovocationtoweepthananyofthem。
Whenthispartoftheaffairwasovermymothersentmebacktothebarberwithamessage。Iwastosaythataheart—brokenwomandemandedtohavethecurlsofwhichherdarlingchildhadbeendenuded。Ibelievethattherewassomeideaentertainedofsewingthemintoacapandrequiringmycousintowearthecapuntilnewoneshadsprouted。Eventome，amerechildofeight，thisseemedafoolishandtotallyunnecessaryproceeding，butthesituationhadalreadybecomesostrainedthatIthoughtitthepartofprudencetogoatoncewithoutofferinganyargumentsofmyown。
Ifelt，anyhow，thatIwouldratherbeawayfromthehouseforawhile，untilcalmersecondjudgmenthadsucceededexcitementandtumult。
ThemanwhoownedthebarbershopseemedsurprisedwhenIdeliveredthemessage，buthetoldmetocomebackinafewminutesandhe\'ddowhathecould。Idriftedondowntotheconfectionerystoreatthecornertoforgetmysorrowsforthemomentinaworshipfuladmirationofadisplayofprizeboxesandcracknelsinglass—frontcases——youshouldbeabletofixtheperiodbythefactthatcracknelsandprizeboxeswerestillinvogueamongtheyoung。WhenIreturnedtheheadbarberhandedmequitealargebox——ashoebox——withastringtiedroundit。Itdidnotseempossibletomethatmycousincouldhavehadawholeshoeboxfullofcurls，butthingshadbeengoingprettybadlythatafternoonandmymotiveshadbeenmisjudgedandeverything，sowithoutanytalkItooktheboxandhurriedhomewithit。Mymothercutthestringandmyauntliftedthelid。
Ishouldpreferagaintodrawaveiloverthescenesthatnowensued，butthenecessityoffinishingthisnarrativerequiresmetostatethatitbeingaSaturdayandtheheadbarberbeingabusyman，hehadnottakentimetosortoutmycousin\'scurlsfromamongtheflotsamandjetsamofhisestablishment，buthadjustsweptupenoughoffthefloortomakeagoodassortedboxful。Ithinktheoldestinhabitanthadprobablydroppedinthatdaytohavehimselftrimmedupalittleroundtheedges。Iseemtorememberaquantityofsandywhiskersshotwithgray。Therewasenoughhairinthatboxandenoughdifferentkindsandcolorsofhairandstufftosatisfyalmostanytaste，youwouldhavethought，butmymotherandauntwereanythingbutsatisfied。Onthecontrary，farfromit。
Andyetmycousin\'shairwasallthere，iftheyhadonlybeenwillingtospendafewdayssortingitoutandseparatingitfromtheothercontents。
InthisparticularinstanceIwastheexceptiontotherule，thathairgenerallygivesaboynogreattroublefromthetimehemergesoutofbabyhooduntilheputsonlongpantsandbeginstodiscernsomethingstrangelyandsubtlyattractiveaboutthesexdescribedbyMr。Kiplingasbeingthemoredeadlyofthespecies。Duringthisinterimitisamatterofnomomenttoaboywhetherhegoesshaggyorcropped，shornorunshorn。Atintervalsafrugalparenttrimshimtoseeifbothhisearsarestillthere，orelseabarberdoesitwithmorethoroughness，oftenrecoveringsmallarticlesofhouseholdusethathavebeenmysteriouslymissingformonths;butinthemainhegoesalongcarefreeandunbarbered，notgreatlyconcernedwithputtinganythinginhisheadortakinganythingoffofit。