ANNAJANSKAisfranklyabravurapiece。Themodernvarietytheatredemandsforits\"turns\"littleplayscalledsketches，tolasttwentyminutesorso，andtoenablesomefavoriteperformertomakeabriefbutdazzlingappearanceonsomebarelypassabledramaticpretext。MissLillahMcCarthyandI，asauthorandactress，havehelpedtomakeoneanotherfamousonmanyseriousoccasions，fromManandSupermantoAndrocles;andMrCharlesRickettshasnotdisdainedtosnatchmomentsfromhispaintingandsculpturetodesignsomewonderfuldressesforus。WethreeunbentasMrsSiddons，SirJoshuaReynoldsandDrJohnsonmighthaveunbent，todeviseaturnfortheColiseumvarietytheatre。
Notthatwewouldsetdowntheartofthevarietytheatreassomethingtobecondescendedto，orourownartaselephantine。
Weshouldrathercraveindulgenceasthreenovicesfreshfromtheawfullegitimacyofthehighbrowtheatre。
Well，MissMcCarthyandMrRickettsjustifiedthemselveseasilyintheglamorofthefootlights，tothestrainsofTchaikovsky’s1812。IfearIdidnot。Ihavereceivedonlyonecomplimentonmyshare;andthatwasfromafriendwhosaid，\"Itistheonlyoneofyourworksthatisnottoolong。\"SoIhavemadeitapageortwolonger，accordingtomyownprecept:EMBRACEYOURREPROACHES:
THEYAREOFTENGLORIESINDISGUISE。
AnnajanskawasfirstperformedattheColiseumTheatreinLondononthe21stJanuary，1918，withLillahMcCarthyastheGrandDuchess，HenryMillerasSchneidekind，andRandleAyrtonasGeneralStrammfest。
ANNAJANSKA，THEBOLSHEVIKEMPRESS
TheGeneral’sofficeinamilitarystationontheeastfrontinBeotia。Anofficetablewithatelephone，writingmaterials，officialpapers，etc。，issetacrosstheroom。Attheendofthetable，acomfortablechairfortheGeneral。Behindthechair，awindow。Facingitattheotherendofthetable，aplainwoodenbench。Atthesideofthetable，withitsbacktothedoor，acommonchair，withatypewriterbeforeit。Besidethedoor，whichisoppositetheendofthebench，arackforcapsandcoats。
Thereisnobodyintheroom。
GeneralStrammfestenters，followedbyLieutenantSchneidekind。
Theyhanguptheircloaksandcaps。SchneidekindtakesalittlelongerthanStrammfest，whocomestothetable。
STRAMMFEST。Schneidekind。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Yes，sir。
STRAMMFEST。Haveyousentmyreportyettothegovernment？[Hesitsdown。]
SCHNEIDEKIND[comingtothetable]。Notyet，sir。Whichgovernmentdoyouwishitsentto？[Hesitsdown。]
STRAMMFEST。Thatdepends。What’sthelatest？Whichofthemdoyouthinkismostlikelytobeinpowertomorrowmorning？
SCHNEIDEKIND。Well，theprovisionalgovernmentwasgoingstrongyesterday。ButtodaytheysaythatthePrimeMinisterhasshothimself，andthattheextremeleftfellowhasshotalltheothers。
STRAMMFEST。Yes:that’sallverywell;butthesefellowsalwaysshootthemselveswithblankcartridge。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Still，eventheblankcartridgemeansbackingdown。
IshouldsendthereporttotheMaximilianists。
STRAMMFEST。They’renostrongerthantheOppidoshavians;andinmyownopiniontheModerateRedRevolutionariesareaslikelytocomeoutontopaseitherofthem。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Icaneasilyputafewcarbonsheetsinthetypewriterandsendacopyeachtothelot。
STRAMMFEST。Wasteofpaper。Youmightaswellsendreportstoaninfantschool。[Hethrowshisheadonthetablewithagroan。]
SCHNEIDEKIND。Tiredout，Sir？
STRAMMFEST。OSchneidekind，Schneidekind，howcanyoubeartolive？
SCHNEIDEKIND。Atmyage，sir，IaskmyselfhowcanIbeartodie？
STRAMMFEST。Youareyoung，youngandheartless。Youareexcitedbytherevolution:youareattachedtoabstractthingslikeliberty。ButmyfamilyhasservedthePanjandrumsofBeotiafaithfullyforsevencenturies。ThePanjandrumshavekeptourplaceforusattheircourts，honoredus，promotedus，shedtheirgloryonus，madeuswhatweare。WhenIhearyouyoungmendeclaringthatyouarefightingforcivilization，fordemocracy，fortheoverthrowofmilitarism，Iaskmyselfhowcanamanshedhisbloodforemptywordsusedbyvulgartradesmenandcommonlaborers:merewindandstink。[Herises，exaltedbyhistheme。]
Akingisasplendidreality，amanraisedaboveuslikeagod。
Youcanseehim;youcankisshishand;youcanbecheeredbyhissmileandterrifiedbyhisfrown。IwouldhavediedformyPanjandrumasmyfatherdiedforhisfather。Yourtoilingmillionswereonlytoohonoredtoreceivethetoesofourbootsintheproperspotforthemwhentheydispleasedtheirbetters。
Andnowwhatisleftinlifeforme？[Herelapsesintohischairdiscouraged。]MyPanjandrumisdeposedandtransportedtoherdwithconvicts。Thearmy，hisprideandglory，isparadedtohearseditiousspeechesfrompennilessrebels，withthecolonelactuallyforcedtotakethechairandintroducethespeaker。I
myselfammadeCommander—in—Chiefbymyownsolicitor:aJew，Schneidekind！aHebrewJew！Itseemsonlyyesterdaythatthesethingswouldhavebeentheravingsofamadman:todaytheyarethecommonplacesofthegutterpress。Ilivenowforthreeobjectsonly:todefeattheenemy，torestorethePanjandrum，andtohangmysolicitor。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Becareful，sir:thesearedangerousviewstoutternowadays。WhatifIweretobetrayyou？
STRAMMFEST。What！
SCHNEIDEKIND。Iwon’t，ofcourse:myownfathergoesonjustlikethat;butsupposeIdid？
STRAMMFEST[chuckling]。IshouldaccuseyouoftreasontotheRevolution，mylad;andtheywouldimmediatelyshootyou，unlessyoucriedandaskedtoseeyourmotherbeforeyoudied，whentheywouldprobablychangetheirmindsandmakeyouabrigadier。
Enough。[Herisesandexpandshischest。]Ifeelthebetterforlettingmyselfgo。Tobusiness。[Hetakesupatelegram:opensit:andisthunderstruckbyitscontents。]Greatheaven！[Hecollapsesintohischair。Thisistheworstblowofall。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Whathashappened？Arewebeaten？
STRAMMFEST。Man，doyouthinkthatameredefeatcouldstrikemedownasthisnewsdoes:I，whohavebeendefeatedthirteentimessincethewarbegan？O，mymaster，mymaster，myPanjandrum！[heisconvulsedwithsobs。]
SCHNEIDEKIND。Theyhavekilledhim？
STRAMMFEST。Adaggerhasbeenstruckthroughhisheart——
SCHNEIDEKIND。GoodGod！
STRAMMFEST。——andthroughmine，throughmine。
SCHNEIDEKIND[relieved]。Oh，ametaphoricaldagger！Ithoughtyoumeantarealone。Whathashappened？
STRAMMFEST。HisdaughtertheGrandDuchessAnnajanska，shewhomthePanjandrinalovedbeyondallherotherchildren，has——has——
[hecannotfinish。]
SCHNEIDEKIND。Committedsuicide？
STRAMMFEST。No。Betterifshehad。Oh，farfarbetter。
SCHNEIDEKIND[inhushedtones]。LefttheChurch？
STRAMMFEST[shocked]。Certainlynot。Donotblaspheme，youngman。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Askedforthevote？
STRAMMFEST。Iwouldhavegivenittoherwithbothhandstosaveherfromthis。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Saveherfromwhat？Dashit，sir，outwithit。
STRAMMFEST。ShehasjoinedtheRevolution。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Butsohaveyou，sir。We’vealljoinedtheRevolution。Shedoesn’tmeanitanymorethanwedo。
STRAMMFEST。Heavengrantyoumayberight！Butthatisnottheworst。Shehadelopedwithayoungofficer。Eloped，Schneidekind，eloped！
SCHNEIDEKIND[notparticularlyimpressed]。Yes，Sir。
STRAMMFEST。Annajanska，thebeautiful，theinnocent，mymaster’sdaughter！[Heburieshisfaceinhishands。]
Thetelephonerings。
SCHNEIDEKIND[takingthereceiver]。Yes:G。H。Q。Yes……Don’tbawl:
I’mnotageneral。Whoisitspeaking？……Whydidn’tyousayso？
don’tyouknowyourduty？Nexttimeyouwillloseyourstripe……Oh，they’vemadeyouacolonel，havethey？Well，they’vemademeafield—marshal:nowwhathaveyoutosay？……Lookhere:
whatdidyouringupfor？Ican’tspendthedayherelisteningtoyourcheek……What！theGrandDuchess[Strammfeststarts。]Wheredidyoucatchher？
STRAMMFEST[snatchingthetelephoneandlisteningfortheanswer]。Speaklouder，willyou:IamaGeneralIknowthat，youdolt。Haveyoucapturedtheofficerthatwaswithher？……
Damnation！Youshallanswerforthis:youlethimgo:hebribedyou。Youmusthaveseenhim:thefellowisinthefulldresscourtuniformofthePanderobajenskyHussars。Igiveyoutwelvehourstocatchhimor……what’sthatyousayaboutthedevil？Areyouswearingatme，you……Thousandthunders！[ToSchneidekind。]
TheswinesaysthattheGrandDuchessisadevilincarnate。[Intothetelephone。]Filthytraitor:isthatthewayyoudarespeakofthedaughterofouranointedPanjandrum？I’ll——
SCHNEIDEKIND[pullingthetelephonefromhislips]。Takecare，sir。
STRAMMFEST。Iwon’ttakecare:I’llhavehimshot。Letgothattelephone。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Butforherownsake，sir——
STRAMMFEST。Eh？——
SCHNEIDEKIND。Forherownsaketheyhadbettersendherhere。Shewillbesafeinyourhands。
STRAMMFEST[yieldingthereceiver]。Youareright。Beciviltohim。Ishouldchoke[hesitsdown]。
SCHNEIDEKIND[intothetelephone]。Hullo。Nevermindallthat:
it’sonlyafellowherewhohasbeenfoolingwiththetelephone。
Ihadtoleavetheroomforamoment。Washout:andsendthegirlalong。We’lljollysoonteachhertobehaveherselfhere……Oh，you’vesentheralready。Thenwhythedevildidn’tyousayso，you——[hehangsupthetelephoneangrily]。Justfancy:theystartedheroffthismorning:andallthisisbecausethefellowlikestogetonthetelephoneandhearhimselftalknowthatheisacolonel。[Thetelephoneringsagain。Hesnatchesthereceiverfuriously。]What’sthematternow？……[TotheGeneral。]
It’sourownpeopledownstairs。[Intothereceiver。]Here！doyousupposeI’venothingelsetodothantohangontothetelephoneallday？……What’sthat？Notmenenoughtoholdher！Whatdoyoumean？[TotheGeneral。]Sheisthere，sir。
STRAMMFEST。Tellthemtosendherup。Ishallhavetoreceiveherwithoutevenrising，withoutkissingherhand，tokeepupappearancesbeforetheescort。Itwillbreakmyheart。
SCHNEIDEKIND[intothereceiver]。Sendherup……Tcha！[Hehangsupthereceiver。]Hesayssheishalfwayupalready:theycouldn’tholdher。
TheGrandDuchessburstsintotheroom，draggingwithhertwoexhaustedsoldiershangingondesperatelytoherarms。Sheisenvelopedfromheadtofootbyafur—linedcloak，andwearsafurcap。
SCHNEIDEKIND[pointingtothebench]。AtthewordGo，placeyourprisoneronthebenchinasittingposture;andtakeyourseatsrightandleftofher。Go。
Thetwosoldiersmakeasupremeefforttoforcehertositdown。
Sheflingsthembacksothattheyareforcedtositonthebenchtosavethemselvesfromfallingbackwardsoverit，andisherselfdraggedintosittingbetweenthem。Thesecondsoldier，holdingontighttotheGrandDuchesswithonehand，producespaperswiththeother，andwavesthemtowardsSchneidekind，whotakesthemfromhimandpassesthemontotheGeneral。Heopensthemandreadsthemwithagraveexpression。
SCHNEIDEKIN。Begoodenoughtowait，prisoner，untiltheGeneralhasreadthepapersonyourcase。
THEGRANDDUCHESS[tothesoldiers]。Letgo。[ToStrammfest]。
Tellthemtoletgo，orI’llupsetthebenchbackwardsandbashourthreeheadsonthefloor。
FIRSTSOLDIER。No，littlemother。Havemercyonthepoor。
STRAMMFEST[growlingovertheedgeofthepaperheisreading]。
Holdyourtongue。
THEGRANDDUCHESS[blazing]。Me，orthesoldier？
STRAMMFEST[horrified]。Thesoldier，madam。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Tellhimtoletgo。
STRAMMFEST。Releasethelady。
Thesoldierstaketheirhandsoffher。Oneofthemwipeshisfeveredbrow。Theothersuckshiswrist。
SCHNEIDKIND[fiercely]。’ttention！
Thetwosoldierssitupstiffly。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，letthepoormansuckhiswrist。Itmaybepoisoned。Ibitit。
STRAMMFEST[shocked]。Youbitacommonsoldier！
GRANDDUCHESS。Well，Iofferedtocauterizeitwiththepokerintheofficestove。Buthewasafraid。WhatmorecouldIdo？
SCHNEIDEKIND。Whydidyoubitehim，prisoner？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Hewouldnotletgo。
STRAMMFEST。Didheletgowhenyoubithim？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。No。[Pattingthesoldierontheback]。Youshouldgivethemanacrossforhisdevotion。Icouldnotgooneatinghim;soIbroughthimalongwithme。
STRAMMFEST。Prisoner——
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Don’tcallmeprisoner，GeneralStrammfest。Mygrandmotherdandledyouonherknee。
STRAMMFEST[burstingintotears]。OGod，yes。Believeme，myheartiswhatitwasthen。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Yourbrainalsoiswhatitwasthen。Iwillnotbeaddressedbyyouasprisoner。
STRAMMFEST。Imaynot，foryourownsake，callyoubyyourrightfulandmostsacredtitles。WhatamItocallyou？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。TheRevolutionhasmadeuscomrades。Callmecomrade。
STRAMMFEST。Ihadratherdie。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。ThencallmeAnnajanska;andIwillcallyouPeterPiper，asgrandmammadid。
STRAMMFEST[painfullyagitated]。Schneidekind，youmustspeaktoher:Icannot——[hebreaksdown。]
SCHNEIDEKIND[officially]。TheRepublicofBeotiahasbeencompelledtoconfinethePanjandrumandhisfamily，fortheirownsafety，withincertainbounds。Youhavebrokenthosebounds。
STRAMMFEST[takingthewordfromhim]。YouareImustsayit——aprisoner。WhatamItodowithyou？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Youshouldhavethoughtofthatbeforeyouarrestedme。
STRAMMFEST。Come，come，prisoner！doyouknowwhatwillhappentoyouifyoucompelmetotakeasternertonewithyou？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。No。ButIknowwhatwillhappentoyou。
STRAMAIFEST。Praywhat，prisoner？
THEGLANDDUCHESS。Clergyman’ssorethroat。
Schneidekindsplutters;dropsapaper:andconcealshislaughterunderthetable。
STRAMMFEST[thunderously]。LieutenantSchneidekind。
SCHNEIDEKIND[inastifledvoice]。Yes，Sir。[Thetablevibratesvisibly。]
STRAMMFEST。Comeoutofit，youfool:you’reupsettingtheink。
Schneidekindemerges，redinthefacewithsuppressedmirth。