Contents:
TheAgriculturalInterestThreateningLettertoThomasHoodfromanAncientGentlemanCrimeandEducationCapitalPunishmentTheSpiritofChivalryinWestminsterHallInMemoriam——W。M。ThackerayAdelaideAnneProcterChaunceyHareTownshendOnMr。Fechter’sActingTHEAGRICULTURALINTEREST
ThepresentGovernment，havingshownitselftobeparticularlycleverinitsmanagementofIndictmentsforConspiracy，cannotdobetter，wethink（keepinginitsadministrativeeyethepacificationofsomeofitsmostinfluentialandmostunrulysupporters），thanindictthewholemanufacturinginterestofthecountryforaconspiracyagainsttheagriculturalinterest。Asthejuryoughttobebeyondimpeachment，thepanelmightbechosenamongtheDukeofBuckingham’stenants，withtheDukeofBuckinghamhimselfasforeman;and，totheendthatthecountrymightbequitesatisfiedwiththejudge，andhaveamplesecuritybeforehandforhismoderationandimpartiality，itwouldbedesirable，perhaps，tomakesuchaslightchangeintheworkingofthelaw（amerenothingtoaConservativeGovernment，bentuponitsend），aswouldenablethequestiontobetriedbeforeanEcclesiasticalCourt，withtheBishopofExeterpresiding。TheAttorney—GeneralforIreland，turninghisswordintoaploughshare，mightconducttheprosecution;andMr。
Cobdenandtheothertraversersmightadoptanygroundofdefencetheychose，orproveordisproveanythingtheypleased，withoutbeingembarrassedbytheleastanxietyordoubtinreferencetotheverdict。
Thatthecountryingeneralisinaconspiracyagainstthissacredbutunhappyagriculturalinterest，therecanbenodoubt。ItisnotalonewithinthewallsofCoventGardenTheatre，ortheFreeTradeHallatManchester，ortheTownHallatBirmingham，thatthecry\"RepealtheCorn—laws！\"israised。Itmaybeheard，moaningatnight，throughthestraw—litteredwardsofRefugesfortheDestitute;itmaybereadinthegauntandfamishedfaceswhichmakeourstreetsterrible;itismutteredinthethankfulgracepronouncedbyhaggardwretchesovertheirfelonfareingaols;itisinscribedindreadfulcharactersuponthewallsofFeverHospitals;
andmaybeplainlytracedineveryrecordofmortality。Allofwhichproves，thatthereisavastconspiracyafoot，againsttheunfortunateagriculturalinterest。
Theywhorun，evenuponrailroads，mayreadofthisconspiracy。Theoldstage—coachmanwasafarmer’sfriend。Heworetop—boots，understoodcattle，fedhishorsesuponcorn，andhadalivelypersonalinterestinmalt。Theengine—driver’sgarb，andsympathies，andtastesbelongtothefactory。Hisfustiandress，besmearedwithcoal—dustandbegrimedwithsoot;hisoilyhands，hisdirtyface，hisknowledgeofmachinery;allpointhimoutasonedevotedtothemanufacturinginterest。Fireandsmoke，andred—hotcindersfollowinhiswake。Hehasnoattachmenttothesoil，buttravelsonaroadofiron，furnacewrought。HiswarningisnotconveyedinthefineoldSaxondialectofourgloriousforefathers，butinafiendishyell。Henevercries\"ya—hip\"，withagriculturallungs;butjerksforthamanufacturedshriekfromabrazenthroat。
Whereistheagriculturalinterestrepresented？Fromwhatphaseofoursociallifehasitnotbeendriven，totheunduesettingupofitsfalserival？
Arethepoliceagricultural？Thewatchmenwere。Theyworewoollennightcapstoaman;theyencouragedthegrowthoftimber，bypatrioticallyadheringtostavesandrattlesofimmensesize;theyslepteverynightinboxes，whichwerebutanotherformofthecelebratedwoodenwallsofOldEngland;theyneverwokeuptillitwastoolate——inwhichrespectyoumighthavethoughtthemveryfarmers。Howisitwiththepolice？TheirbuttonsaremadeatBirmingham;adozenoftheirtruncheonswouldpoorlyfurnishforthawatchman’sstaff;theyhavenowoodenwallstoreposebetween;andthecrownsoftheirhatsareplatedwithcast—iron。
Arethedoctorsagricultural？LetMessrs。MorisonandMoat，oftheHygeianestablishmentatKing’sCross，London，reply。Isitnot，upontheconstantshowingofthosegentlemen，anascertainedfactthatthewholemedicalprofessionhaveunitedtodepreciatetheworthoftheUniversalVegetableMedicines？Andisthisoppositiontovegetables，andexaltationofsteelandironinstead，onthepartoftheregularpractitioners，capableofanyinterpretationbutone？
Isitnotadistinctrenouncementoftheagriculturalinterest，andasettingupofthemanufacturinginterestinstead？
Dotheprofessorsofthelawatallfailintheirtruthtothebeautifulmaidwhomtheyoughttoadore？InquireoftheAttorney—
GeneralforIreland。Inquireofthathonourableandlearnedgentleman，whoselastpublicactwastocastasidethegreygoose—
quill，anarticleofagriculturalproduce，andtakeupthepistol，which，underthesystemofpercussionlocks，hasnotevenaflinttoconnectitwithfarming。Orputthequestiontoastillhigherlegalfunctionary，who，onthesameoccasion，whenheshouldhavebeenareed，inclininghereandthere，asadversegalesofevidencedisposedhim，wasseentobeamanufacturedimageontheseatofJustice，castbyPower，inmostimpenetrablebrass。
Theworldistoomuchwithusinthismanufacturinginterest，earlyandlate;thatisthegreatcomplaintandthegreattruth。Itisnotsowiththeagriculturalinterest，orwhatpassesbythatname。
Itneverthinksofthesufferingworld，orseesit，orcarestoextenditsknowledgeofit;or，solongasitremainsaworld，caresanythingaboutit。AllthosewhomDanteplacedinthefirstpitorcircleofthedolefulregions，mighthaverepresentedtheagriculturalinterestinthepresentParliament，oratquartersessions，oratmeetingsofthefarmers’friends，oranywhereelse。
Butthatisnotthequestionnow。Itisconspiredagainst;andwehavegivenafewproofsoftheconspiracy，astheyshineoutofvariousclassesengagedinit。Anindictmentagainstthewholemanufacturinginterestneednotbelonger，surely，thantheindictmentinthecaseoftheCrownagainstO’Connellandothers。
Mr。Cobdenmaybetakenasitsrepresentative——asindeedheis，byoneconsentalready。Theremaybenoevidence;butthatisnotrequired。Ajudgeandjuryareallthatisneeded。AndtheGovernmentknowwheretofindthem，ortheygainexperiencetolittlepurpose。
THREATENINGLETTER
TOTHOMASHOOD
FROMANANCIENTGENTLEMAN
MR。HOOD。SIR，——TheConstitutionisgoingatlast！Youneedn’tlaugh，Mr。Hood。Iamawarethatithasbeengoing，twoorthreetimesbefore;perhapsfourtimes;butitisonthemovenow，sir，andnomistake。
Ibegtosay，thatIusethoselastexpressionsadvisedly，sir，andnotinthesenseinwhichtheyarenowusedbyJackanapeses。TherewerenoJackanapeseswhenIwasaboy，Mr。Hood。EnglandwasOldEnglandwhenIwasyoung。IlittlethoughtitwouldevercometobeYoungEnglandwhenIwasold。Buteverythingisgoingbackward。
Ah！governmentsweregovernments，andjudgeswerejudges，inmyday，Mr。Hood。Therewasnononsensethen。Anyofyourseditiouscomplainings，andwewerereadywiththemilitaryontheshortestnotice。WeshouldhavechargedCoventGardenTheatre，sir，onaWednesdaynight:atthepointofthebayonet。Then，thejudgeswerefullofdignityandfirmness，andknewhowtoadministerthelaw。Thereisonlyonejudgewhoknowshowtodohisduty，now。Hetriedthatrevolutionaryfemaletheotherday，who，thoughshewasinfullwork（makingshirtsatthree—halfpenceapiece），hadnoprideinhercountry，buttreasonablytookitinherhead，inthedistractionofhavingbeenrobbedofhereasyearnings，toattempttodrownherselfandheryoungchild;andthegloriousmanwentoutofhisway，sir——outofhisway——tocallherupforinstantsentenceofDeath;andtotellhershehadnohopeofmercyinthisworld——asyoumayseeyourselfifyoulookinthepapersofWednesdaythe17thofApril。Hewon’tbesupported，sir，Iknowhewon’t;butitisworthrememberingthathiswordswerecarriedintoeverymanufacturingtownofthiskingdom，andreadaloudtocrowdsineverypoliticalparlour，beer—shop，news—room，andsecretoropenplaceofassembly，frequentedbythediscontentedworking—men;andthatnomilk—and—waterweaknessonthepartoftheexecutivecaneverblotthemout。Greatthingslikethat，arecaughtup，andstoredup，inthesetimes，andarenotforgotten，Mr。Hood。Thepublicatlarge（especiallythosewhowishforpeaceandconciliation）areuniversallyobligedtohim。IfitisreservedforanymantosettheThamesonfire，itisreservedforhim;andindeedIamtoldheverynearlydidit，once。
Butevenhewon’tsavetheconstitution，sir:itismauledbeyondthepowerofpreservation。Doyouknowinwhatfoulweatheritwillbesacrificedandshipwrecked，Mr。Hood？Doyouknowonwhatrockitwillstrike，sir？Youdon’t，Iamcertain;fornobodydoesknowasyetbutmyself。Iwilltellyou。
Theconstitutionwillgodown，sir（nauticallyspeaking），inthedegenerationofthehumanspeciesinEngland，anditsreductionintoamingledraceofsavagesandpigmies。
Thatismyproposition。Thatismyprediction。ThatistheeventofwhichIgiveyouwarning。Iamnowgoingtoproveit，sir。
Youarealiteraryman，Mr。Hood，andhavewritten，Iamtold，somethingsworthreading。IsayIamtold，becauseIneverreadwhatiswritteninthesedays。You’llexcuseme;butmyprincipleis，thatnomanoughttoknowanythingabouthisowntime，exceptthatitistheworsttimethateverwas，oriseverlikelytobe。Thatistheonlyway，sir，tobetrulywiseandhappy。
Inyourstation，asaliteraryman，Mr。Hood，youarefrequentlyattheCourtofHerGraciousMajestytheQueen。Godblessher！Youhavereasontoknowthatthethreegreatkeystotheroyalpalace（afterrankandpolitics）areScience，Literature，Art。Idon’tapproveofthismyself。Ithinkitungenteelandbarbarous，andquiteun—English;thecustomhavingbeenaforeignone，eversincethereignsoftheuncivilisedsultansintheArabianNights，whoalwayscalledthewisemenoftheirtimeaboutthem。Butsoitis。
Andwhenyoudon’tdineattheroyaltable，thereisalwaysaknifeandforkforyouattheequerries’table:where，Iunderstand，allgiftedmenaremadeparticularlywelcome。
Butallmencan’tbegifted，Mr。Hood。Neitherscientific，literary，norartisticalpowersareanymoretobeinheritedthanthepropertyarisingfromscientific，literary，orartisticproductions，whichthelaw，withabeautifulimitationofnature，declinestoprotectinthesecondgeneration。Verygood，sir。
Then，peoplearenaturallyverypronetocastaboutintheirmindsforothermeansofgettingatCourtFavour;and，watchingthesignsofthetimes，tohewoutforthemselves，ortheirdescendants，thelikeliestroadstothatdistinguishedgoal。
Mr。Hood，itisprettyclear，fromrecentrecordsintheCourtCircular，thatifafatherwishtotrainuphissoninthewayheshouldgo，togotoCourt:andcannotindenturehimtobeascientificman，anauthor，oranartist，threecoursesareopentohim。Hemustendeavourbyartificialmeanstomakehimadwarf，awildman，oraBoyJones。
Now，sir，thisistheshoalandquicksandonwhichtheconstitutionwillgotopieces。
Ihavemadeinquiry，Mr。Hood，andfindthatinmyneighbourhoodtwofamiliesandafractionoutofeveryfour，inthelowerandmiddleclassesofsociety，arestudyingandpractisingallconceivableartstokeeptheirinfantchildrendown。Understandme。Idonotmeandownintheirnumbers，ordownintheirprecocity，butdownintheirgrowth，sir。Adestructiveandsubduingdrink，compoundedofginandmilkinequalquantities，suchasisgiventopuppiestoretardtheirgrowth:notsomethingshort，butsomethingshortening:isadministeredtotheseyoungcreaturesmanytimesaday。Anunnaturalandartificialthirstisfirstawakenedintheseinfantsbymealsofsaltbeef，bacon，anchovies，sardines，redherrings，shrimps，olives，pea—soup，andthatdescriptionofdiet;andwhentheyscreechfordrink，inaccentsthatmightmeltaheartofstone，whichtheydoconstantly（Ialludetoscreeching，nottomelting），thisliquidisintroducedintotheirtooconfidingstomachs。Atsuchanearlyage，andtosogreatanextent，isthiscustomofprovokingthirst，thenquenchingitwithastuntingdrink，observed，thatbrinepaphasalreadysupersededtheuseoftops—and—bottoms;
andwet—nurses，previouslyfreefromanykindofreproach，havebeenseentostaggerinthestreets:owing，sir，tothequantityofginintroducedintotheirsystems，withaviewtoitsgradualandnaturalconversionintothefluidIhavealreadymentioned。
UponthebestcalculationIcanmake，thisisgoingon，asIhavesaid，intheproportionofabouttwofamiliesandafractioninfour。Inonemorefamilyandafractionoutofthesamenumber，effortsarebeingmadetoreducethechildrentoastateofnature;
andtoinculcate，atatenderage，theloveofrawflesh，trainoil，newrum，andtheacquisitionofscalps。Wildandoutlandishdancesarealsoinvogue（youwillhaveobservedtheprevailingrageforthePolka）;andsavagecriesandwhoopsaremuchindulgedin（asyoumaydiscover，ifyoudoubtit，intheHouseofCommonsanynight）。
Nay，somepersons，Mr。Hood;andpersonsofsomefigureanddistinctiontoo;havealreadysucceededinbreedingwildsons;whohavebeenpubliclyshownintheCourtsofBankruptcy，andinpolice—
offices，andinothercommodiousexhibition—rooms，withgreateffect，butwhohavenotyetfoundfavouratcourt;inconsequence，asIinfer，oftheimpressionmadebyMr。Rankin’swildmenbeingtoofreshandrecent，tosaynothingofMr。Rankin’swildmenbeingforeigners。
Ineednotreferyou，sir，tothelateinstanceoftheOjibbewayBride。ButIamcrediblyinformed，thatsheisontheeveofretiringintoasavagefastness，whereshemaybringforthandeducateawildfamily，whoshallincourseoftime，bythedexteroususeofthepopularitytheyarecertaintoacquireatWindsorandSt。
James’s，dividewithdwarfstheprincipalofficesofstate，ofpatronage，andpower，intheUnitedKingdom。
Considerthedeplorableconsequences，Mr。Hood，whichmustresultfromtheseproceedings，andtheencouragementtheyreceiveinthehighestquarters。
Thedwarfbeingthefavourite，sir，itiscertainthatthepublicmindwillruninagreatandeminentdegreeupontheproductionofdwarfs。Perhapsthefailuresonlywillbebroughtup，wild。Theimaginationgoesalongwayinthesecases;andallthattheimaginationcando，willbedone，andisdoing。Youmayconvinceyourselfofthis，byobservingtheconditionofthoseladieswhotakeparticularnoticeofGeneralTomThumbattheEgyptianHall，duringhishoursofperformance。
Therapidincreaseofdwarfs，willbefirstfeltinherMajesty’srecruitingdepartment。Thestandardwill，ofnecessity，belowered;
thedwarfswillgrowsmallerandsmaller;thevulgarexpression\"amanofhisinches\"willbecomeafigureoffact，insteadofafigureofspeech;crackregiments，household—troopsespecially，willpickthesmallestmenfromallpartsofthecountry;andinthetwolittleporticoesattheHorseGuards，twoTomThumbswillbedailyseen，doingduty，mountedonapairofShetlandponies。Eachofthemwillberelieved（asTomThumbisatthismoment，intheintervalsofhisperformance）byawildman;andaBritishGrenadierwilleithergointoaquartpot，orbeanOldBoy，orBlueGull，orFlyingBull，orsomeothersavagechiefofthatnature。
IwillnotexpatiateuponthenumberofdwarfswhowillbefoundrepresentingGrecianstatuesinallpartsofthemetropolis;becauseIaminclinedtothinkthatthiswillbeachangeforthebetter;
andthattheengagementoftwoorthreeinTrafalgarSquarewilltendtotheimprovementofthepublictaste。
ThevariousgenteelemploymentsatCourtbeingheldbydwarfs，sir，itwillbenecessarytoalter，insomerespects，thepresentregulations。ItisquiteclearthatnotevenGeneralTomThumbhimselfcouldpreserveabecomingdignityonstateoccasions，ifrequiredtowalkaboutwithascaffolding—poleunderhisarm;
thereforethegoldandsilversticksatpresentused，mustbecutdownintoskewersofthosepreciousmetals;atwigoftheblackrodwillbequiteasmuchascanbeconvenientlypreserved;thecoralandbellsofhisRoyalHighnessthePrinceofWales，willbeusedinlieuofthemaceatpresentinexistence;andthatbauble（asOliverCromwellcalledit，Mr。Hood），itsvaluebeingfirstcalculatedbyMr。Finlayson，thegovernmentactuary，willbeplacedtothecreditoftheNationalDebt。
Allthis，sir，willbethedeathoftheconstitution。Butthisisnotall。Theconstitutiondieshard，perhaps;butthereisenoughdiseaseimpending，Mr。Hood，tokillitthreetimesover。
WildmenwillgetintotheHouseofCommons。Imaginethat，sir！
ImagineStrongWindintheHouseofCommons！Itisnotaneasymattertogetthroughadebatenow;butIsay，imagineStrongWind，speakingforthebenefitofhisconstituents，upontheflooroftheHouseofCommons！orimagine（whichispregnantwithmoreawfulconsequencesstill）theministryhavinganinterpreterintheHouseofCommons，totellthecountry，inEnglish，whatitreallymeans！
Why，sir，thatinitselfwouldbeblowingtheconstitutionoutofthemortarinSt。James’sPark，andleavingnothingofittobeseenbutsmoke。
Butthis，Irepeatit，isthestateofthingstowhichwearefasttending，Mr。Hood;andIenclosemycardforyourprivateeye，thatyoumaybequitecertainofit。Whattheconditionofthiscountrywillbe，whenitsstandingarmyiscomposedofdwarfs，withhereandthereawildmantothrowitsranksintoconfusion，liketheelephantsemployedinwarinformertimes，Ileaveyoutoimagine，sir。Itmaybeobjectedbysomehopefuljackanapeses，thatthenumberofimpressmentsinthenavy，consequentupontheseizureoftheBoy—Joneses，orremainingportionofthepopulationambitiousofCourtFavour，willbeinitselfsufficienttodefendourIslandfromforeigninvasion。ButItellthosejackanapeses，sir，thatwhileI
admitthewisdomoftheBoyJonesprecedent，ofkidnappingsuchyouthsaftertheexpirationoftheirseveraltermsofimprisonmentasvagabonds;hurryingthemonboardship;andpackingthemofftoseaagainwhenevertheyventuretotaketheaironshore;Idenythejusticeoftheinference;inasmuchasitappearstome，thattheinquiringmindsofthoseyoungoutlawsmustnaturallyleadtotheirbeinghangedbytheenemyasspies，earlyintheircareer;andbeforetheyshallhavebeenratedonthebooksofourfleetasableseamen。
Such，Mr。Hood，sir，istheprospectbeforeus！Andunlessyou，andsomeofyourfriendswhohaveinfluenceatCourt，cangetupagiantasaforlornhope，itisalloverwiththisill—fatedland。
Inreferencetoyourownaffairs，sir，youwilltakewhatevercoursemayseemtoyoumostprudentandadvisableafterthiswarning。Itisnotawarningtobeslighted:thatIhappentoknow。Iaminformedbythegentlemanwhofavoursthis，thatyouhaverecentlybeenmakingsomechangesandimprovementsinyourMagazine，andare，inpointoffact，startingafresh。IfIbewellinformed，andthisbereallyso，relyuponitthatyoucannotstarttoosmall，sir。
Comedowntotheduodecimosizeinstantly，Mr。Hood。Taketimebytheforelock;and，reducingthestatureofyourMagazineeverymonth，bringitatlasttothedimensionsofthelittlealmanacknolongerissued，Iregrettosay，bytheingeniousMr。Schloss:whichwasinvisibletothenakedeyeuntilexaminedthroughalittleeye—
glass。