第1章

Contents:

TheDarnedMounseerTheEnglishmanTheDisagreeableManTheComingBy—And—ByTheHighlyRespectableGondolierTheFairyQueen’sSongIsLifeABoonTheModernMajor—GeneralTheHeavyDragoonProperPrideThePoliceman’sLotTheBaffledGrumblerTheHouseOfPeersAMerryMadrigalTheDukeAndTheDuchessEheuFugaces—！

They’llNoneOf`EmBeMissedGirlGraduatesBraidTheRavenHairTheWorkingMonarchTheApeAndTheLadyOnlyRosesTheRover’sApologyAnAppealTheRewardOfMeritTheMagnetAndTheChurnTheFamilyFoolSansSouciARecipeTheMerrymanAndHisMaidTheSusceptibleChancellorWhenAMerryMaidenMarriesTheBritishTarAManWhoWouldWooAFairMaidTheSorcerer’sSongTheFickleBreezeTheFirstLord’sSongWouldYouKnow？

SpeculationAhMe！

TheDukeOfPlaza—ToroTheAestheteSaidIToMyself，SaidI

SorryHerLotTheContemplativeSentryThePhilosophicPillBlueBloodTheJudge’sSongWhenIFirstPutThisUniformOnSolatiumANightmareDon’tForget！

TheSuicide’sGraveHeAndSheTheMightyMustAMirageTheGhosts’HighNoonTheHumaneMikadoWillowWaly！

LifeIsLovelyAllTheYearTheUsher’sChargeTheGreatOakTreeKingGoodheartSleepOn！

TheLove—SickBoyPoetryEverywhereHeLoves！

TrueDiffidenceTheTangledSkeinMyLadyOneAgainstTheWorldPutAPennyInTheSlotGoodLittleGirlsLifeLimitedLiabilityAnglicisedUtopiaAnEnglishGirlAManager’sPerplexitiesOutOfSortsHowIt’sDoneAClassicalRevivalThePracticalJokerTheNationalAnthemHerTermsTheIndependentBeeTheDisconcertedTenorThePlayed—OutHumoristBallad:TheDarnedMounseerIshipped，d’yesee，inaRevenuesloop，And，offCapeFinisteere，Amerchantmanwesee，AFrenchman，goingfree，SowemadefortheboldMounseer，D’yesee？

WemadefortheboldMounseer！

ButsheprovedtobeaFrigate—andsheupwithherports，Andfireswithathirty—two！

Itcomeuncommonnear，Butweansweredwithacheer，WhichparalysedtheParley—voo，D’yesee？

WhichparalysedtheParley—voo！

ThenourCaptainheupandhesays，sayshe，\"Thatchapweneednotfear，—

Wecantakeher，ifwelike，Sheissartinfortostrike，Forshe’sonlyadarnedMounseer，D’yesee？

She’sonlyadarnedMounseer！

ButtofightaFrenchfal—lal—it’slikehittin’ofagal—

It’salubberlythingfortodo;

Forwe，withallourfaults，Why，we’resturdyBritishsalts，Whileshe’sbutaParley—voo，D’yesee？

AmiserableParley—voo！\"

Soweupwithourhelm，andwescudsbeforethebreeze，Aswegivesacompassionatingcheer;

FroggeeanswerswithashoutAsheseesusgoabout，WhichwasgratefulofthepoorMounseer，D’yesee？

WhichwasgratefulofthepoorMounseer！

AndI’llwagerintheirjoytheykissedeachother’scheek（Whichiswhatthemfurrinersdo），AndtheyblessedtheirluckystarsWewerehardyBritishtarsWhohadpityonapoorParley—voo，D’yesee？

WhohadpityonapoorParley—voo！

Ballad:TheEnglishmanHeisanEnglishman！

Forhehimselfhassaidit，Andit’sgreatlytohiscredit，ThatheisanEnglishman！

ForhemighthavebeenaRoosian，AFrench，orTurk，orProosian，OrperhapsItali—an！

Butinspiteofalltemptations，Tobelongtoothernations，HeremainsanEnglishman！

Hurrah！

Forthetrue—bornEnglishman！

Ballad:TheDisagreeableManIfyougivemeyourattention，IwilltellyouwhatIam:

I’magenuinephilanthropist—allotherkindsaresham。

EachlittlefaultoftemperandeachsocialdefectInmyerringfellow—creatures，Iendeavourtocorrect。

ToalltheirlittleweaknessesIopenpeople’seyes，Andlittleplanstosnubtheself—sufficientIdevise;

Ilovemyfellow—creatures—IdoallthegoodIcan—

YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！

AndIcan’tthinkwhy！

TocomplimentsinflatedI’veawitheringreply，AndvanityIalwaysdomybesttomortify;

AcharitableactionIcanskilfullydissect;

AndinterestedmotivesI’mdelightedtodetect。

Iknoweverybody’sincomeandwhateverybodyearns，AndIcarefullycompareitwiththeincome—taxreturns;

Buttobenefithumanity，howevermuchIplan，YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！

AndIcan’tthinkwhy！

I’msureI’mnoascetic;I’maspleasantascanbe;

You’llalwaysfindmereadywithacrushingrepartee;

I’veanirritatingchuckle，I’veacelebratedsneer，I’veanentertainingsnigger，I’veafascinatingleer;

Toeverybody’sprejudiceIknowathingortwo;

Icantellawoman’sageinhalfaminute—andIdo—

ButalthoughItrytomakemyselfaspleasantasIcan，YeteverybodysaysI’msuchadisagreeableman！

AndIcan’tthinkwhy！

Ballad:TheComingBy—And—BySadisthatwoman’slotwho，yearbyyear，Sees，onebyone，herbeautiesdisappear;

AsTime，grownwearyofherheart—drawnsighs，Impatientlybeginsto\"dimhereyes\"！—

Herselfcompelled，inlife’suncertaingloamings，Towreatheherwrinkledbrowwithwell—saved\"combings\"—

Reduced，withrouge，lipsalve，andpearlygrey，To\"makeup\"forlosttime，asbestshemay！

Silveredistheravenhair，Spreadingisthepartingstraight，Mottledthecomplexionfair，Haltingistheyouthfulgait，Hollowisthelaughterfree，Spectacledthelimpideye，Littlewillbeleftofme，Inthecomingby—and—by！

Fadingisthetaperwaist—

Shapelessgrowstheshapelylimb，Andalthoughsecurelylaced，Spreadingisthefiguretrim！

StouterthanIusedtobe，StillmorecorpulentgrowI—

TherewillbetoomuchofmeInthecomingby—and—by！

Ballad:TheHighlyRespectableGondolierIstolethePrince，andIbroughthimhere，Andlefthim，gailyprattlingWithahighlyrespectableGondolier，WhopromisedtheRoyalbabetorear，AndteachhimthetradeofatimoneerWithhisownbelovedbratling。

Bothofthebabeswerestrongandstout，And，consideringallthings，clever。

Ofthatthereisnomannerofdoubt—

Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—

Nopossibledoubtwhatever。

Timesped，andwhenattheendofayearIsoughtthatinfantcherished，ThathighlyrespectableGondolierWaslyingacorpseonhishumblebier—

IdroppedaGrandInquisitor’stear—

ThatGondolierhadperished！

Atastefordrink，combinedwithgout，Haddoubledhimupforever。

OfTHATthereisnomannerofdoubt—

Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—

Nopossibledoubtwhatever。

Butowing，I’mmuchdisposedtofear，Tohisterribletastefortippling，ThathighlyrespectableGondolierCouldneverdeclarewithamindsincereWhichofthetwowashisoffspringdear，AndwhichtheRoyalstripling！

Whichwaswhichhecouldnevermakeout，Despitehisbestendeavour。

OfTHATthereisnomannerofdoubt—

Noprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—

Nopossibledoubtwhatever。

Thechildrenfollowedhisoldcareer—

（Thisstatementcan’tbeparried）

OfahighlyrespectableGondolier:

Well，oneofthetwo（whowillsoonbehere）—

ButWHICHofthetwoisnotquiteclear—

IstheRoyalPrinceyoumarried！

SearchinandoutandroundaboutAndyou’lldiscoverneverAtalesofreefromeverydoubt—

Allprobable，possibleshadowofdoubt—

Allpossibledoubtwhatever！

Ballad:TheFairyQueen’sSongOh，foolishfay，ThinkyoubecauseMan’sbravearrayMybosomthawsI’ddisobeyOurfairylaws？

BecauseIflyInrealmsabove，IntendencyTofallinloveResembleI

Theamorousdove？

Oh，amorousdove！

TypeofOvidiusNaso！

ThisheartofmineIssoftasthine，AlthoughIdarenotsayso！

OnfirethatglowsWithheatintenseIturnthehoseOfCommonSense，AndoutitgoesAtsmallexpense！

WemustmaintainOurfairylaw;

ThatisthemainOnwhichtodraw—

InthatwegainACaptainShaw。

Oh，CaptainShaw！

Typeoftruelovekeptunder！

CouldthyBrigadeWithcoldcascadeQuenchmygreatlove，Iwonder！

Ballad:IsLifeABoonIslifeaboon？

Ifso，itmustbefallThatDeath，whene’erhecall，Mustcalltoosoon。

ThoughfourscoreyearshegiveYetonewouldpraytoliveAnothermoon！

WhatkindofplainthaveI，WhoperishinJuly？

ImighthavehadtodiePerchanceinJune！

Islifeathorn？

Thencountitnotawhit！

Maniswelldonewithit;

Soonashe’sbornHeshouldallmeansessayToputtheplagueaway;

AndI，war—worn，Poorcapturedfugitive，Mylifemostgladlygive—

ImighthavehadtoliveAnothermorn！

Ballad:TheModernMajor—GeneralIamtheverypatternofamodernMajor—Gineral，I’veinformationvegetable，animal，andmineral;

IknowthekingsofEngland，andIquotethefightshistorical，FromMarathontoWaterloo，inordercategorical;

I’mverywellacquainted，too，withmattersmathematical，Iunderstandequations，boththesimpleandquadratical;

AboutbinomialtheoremI’mteemingwithaloto’news，Withinterestingfactsaboutthesquareofthehypotenuse，I’mverygoodatintegralanddifferentialcalculus，Iknowthescientificnamesofbeingsanimalculous。

Inshort，inmattersvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral。

Iknowourmythichistory—KINGARTHUR’SandSIRCARADOC’S，Ianswerhardacrostics，I’veaprettytasteforparadox;

IquoteinelegiacsallthecrimesofHELIOGABALUS，InconicsIcanfloorpeculiaritiesparabolous。

ItellundoubtedRAPHAELSfromGERARDDOWSandZOFFANIES，Iknowthecroakingchorusfromthe\"Frogs\"ofARISTOPHANES;

ThenIcanhumafugue，ofwhichI’veheardthemusic’sdinafore，Andwhistlealltheairsfromthatconfoundednonsense\"Pinafore。\"

ThenIcanwriteawashing—billinBabyloniccuneiform，AndtellyoueverydetailofCARACTACUS’Suniform。

Inshort，inmattersvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral。

Infact，whenIknowwhatismeantby\"mamelon\"and\"ravelin，\"

WhenIcantellatsightaChassepotriflefromajavelin，WhensuchaffairsasSORTIESandsurprisesI’mmorewaryat，AndwhenIknowpreciselywhatismeantbyCommissariat，WhenIhavelearntwhatprogresshasbeenmadeinmoderngunnery，WhenIknowmoreoftacticsthananoviceinanunnery，Inshort，whenI’veasmatteringofelementarystrategy，You’llsayabetterMajor—GenerALhasneverSATagee—

Formymilitaryknowledge，thoughI’mpluckyandadventury，Hasonlybeenbroughtdowntothebeginningofthecentury。

Butstillinlearningvegetable，animal，andmineral，IamtheverymodelofamodernMajor—Gineral！

Ballad:TheHeavyDragoonIfyouwantareceiptforthatpopularmystery，KnowntotheworldasaHeavyDragoon，Takealltheremarkablepeopleinhistory，Rattlethemofftoapopulartune！

ThepluckofLORDNELSONonboardoftheVICTORY—

GeniusofBISMARCKdevisingaplan;

ThehumourofFIELDING（whichsoundscontradictory）—

CoolnessofPAGETabouttotrepan—

ThegraceofMOZART，thatunparalleledmusico—

WitofMACAULAY，whowroteofQUEENANNE—

ThepathosofPADDY，asrenderedbyBOUCICAULT—

StyleoftheBISHOPOFSODORANDMAN—

ThedashofaD’ORSAY，divestedofquackery—

NarrativepowersofDICKENSandTHACKERAY—

VICTOREMMANUEL—peak—hauntingPEVERIL—

THOMASAQUINAS，andDOCTORSACHEVERELL—

TUPPERandTENNYSON—DANIELDEFOE—

ANTHONYTROLLOPEandMISTERGUIZOT！

Takeoftheseelementsallthatisfusible，Melt’emalldowninapipkinorcrucible，Set’emtosimmerandtakeoffthescum，AndaHeavyDragoonistheresiduum！

Ifyouwantareceiptforthissoldierlikeparagon，GetatthewealthoftheCZAR（ifyoucan）—

ThefamilyprideofaSpaniardfromArragon—

ForceofMEPHISTOpronouncingaban—

AsmackofLORDWATERFORD，recklessandrollicky—

SwaggerofRODERICK，headinghisclan—

ThekeenpenetrationofPADDINGTONPOLLAKY—

GraceofanOdalisqueonadivan—

ThegeniusstrategicofCAESARorHANNIBAL—

SkillofLORDWOLSELEYinthrashingacannibal—

FlavourofHAMLET—theSTRANGER，atouchofhim—

LittleofMANFRED（butnotverymuchofhim）—

BeadleofBurlington—RICHARDSON’Sshow—

MR。MICAWBERandMADAMETUSSAUD！

Takeoftheseelementsallthatisfusible—

Melt’emalldowninapipkinorcrucible—

Set’emtosimmerandtakeoffthescum，AndaHeavyDragoonistheresiduum！

Ballad:ProperPrideTheSun，whoseraysAreallablazeWithever—livingglory，WillnotdenyHismajesty—

Hescornstotellastory:

Hewon’texclaim，\"Iblushforshame，Sokindlybeindulgent，\"

But，fierceandbold，Infierygold，Hegloriesalleffulgent！

Imeantoruletheearth，Ashethesky—

Wereallyknowourworth，TheSunandI！

Observehisflame，Thatplaciddame，TheMoon’sCelestialHighness;

There’snotatraceUponherfaceOfdiffidenceorshyness:

SheborrowslightThat，throughthenight，Mankindmayallacclaimher！

And，truthtotell，Shelightsupwell，SoI，forone，don’tblameher！

Ah，praymakenomistake，Wearenotshy;

We’reverywideawake，TheMoonandI！

Ballad:ThePoliceman’sLotWhenafelon’snotengagedinhisemployment，Ormaturinghisfeloniouslittleplans，HiscapacityforinnocentenjoymentIsjustasgreatasanyhonestman’s。

OurfeelingswewithdifficultysmotherWhenconstabularyduty’stobedone:

Ah，takeoneconsiderationwithanother，Apoliceman’slotisnotahappyone！

Whentheenterprisingburglarisn’tburgling，Whenthecut—throatisn’toccupiedincrime，Helovestohearthelittlebrooka—gurgling，Andlistentothemerryvillagechime。

Whenthecoster’sfinishedjumpingonhismother，Helovestoliea—baskinginthesun:

Ah，takeoneconsiderationwithanother，Thepoliceman’slotisnotahappyone！

Ballad:TheBaffledGrumblerWhene’erIpokeSarcasticjokeRepletewithmalicespiteful，ThepeoplevilePolitelysmileAndvotemequitedelightful！

Now，whenawightSitsupallnightIll—naturedjokesdevising，AndallhiswilesAremetwithsmiles，It’shard，there’snodisguising！

Oh，don’tthedaysseemlankandlongWhenallgoesrightandnothinggoeswrong，Andisn’tyourlifeextremelyflatWithnothingwhatevertogrumbleat！

WhenGermanbands，FrommusicstandsPlayWagnerimperFECTly—

Ibidthemgo—

Theydon’tsayno，Butofftheytrotdirectly！

TheorganboysTheystoptheirnoiseWithreadinesssurprising，AndgrinningherdsOfhurdy—gurdsRetireapologising！

Oh，don’tthedaysseemlankandlongWhenallgoesrightandnothinggoeswrong，Andisn’tyourlifeextremelyflatWithnothingwhatevertogrumbleat！

I’veofferedgold，Insumsuntold，Toallwho’dcontradictme—

I’vesaidI’dpayApoundadayToanyonewhokickedme—

I’vebribedwithtoysGreatvulgarboysTouttersomethingspiteful，But，blessyou，no！

TheyWILLbesoConfoundedlypoliteful！

Inshort，theseaggravatinglads，Theyticklemytastes，theyfeedmyfads，Theygivemethisandtheygivemethat，AndI’venothingwhatevertogrumbleat！

Ballad:TheHouseOfPeersWhenBritainreallyruledthewaves—

（IngoodQueenBess’stime）

TheHouseofPeersmadenopretenceTointellectualeminence，Orscholarshipsublime;

YetBritainwonherproudestbaysIngoodQueenBess’sgloriousdays！

WhenWellingtonthrashedBonaparte，Aseverychildcantell，TheHouseofPeers，throughoutthewar，Didnothinginparticular，Anddiditverywell;

YetBritainsettheworldablazeIngoodKingGeorge’sgloriousdays！

AndwhiletheHouseofPeerswithholdsItslegislativehand，AndnoblestatesmendonotitchTointerferewithmatterswhichTheydonotunderstand，AsbrightwillshineGreatBritain’srays，AsinKingGeorge’sgloriousdays！

Ballad:AMerryMadrigalBrightlydawnsourweddingday;

Joyoushour，wegivetheegreeting！

Whither，whitherartthoufleeting？

Ficklemoment，pritheestay！

Whatthoughmortaljoysbehollow？

Pleasurescome，ifsorrowsfollow。

Thoughthetocsinsound，erelong，Dingdong！Dingdong！

YetuntiltheshadowsfallOveroneandoverall，Singamerrymadrigal—

Falla！

Letusdrythereadytear;

Thoughthehoursaresurelycreeping，LittleneedforwoefulweepingTillthesadsundownisnear。