TO
THATHIGHLYRESPECTABLEBUTUNNECESSARILY
RETIRINGINDIVIDUAL，OFWHOM
WEHEARSOMUCH
BUT
SEESOLITTLE，\"THEEARNESTSTUDENTOFTHEDRAMA，\"
THIS
（COMPARATIVELY）TRUTHFULLITTLEBOOK
ISLOVINGLYDEDICATED。
CONTENTS。
THEHERO
THEVILLAIN
THEHEROINE
THECOMICMAN
THELAWYER
THEADVENTURESS
THESERVANTGIRL
THECHILD
THECOMICLOVERS
THEPEASANTS
THEGOODOLDMAN
THEIRISHMAN
THEDETECTIVE
THESAILOR
STAGE—LAND。
THEHERO。
HisnameisGeorge，generallyspeaking。\"CallmeGeorge！\"hesaystotheheroine。ShecallshimGeorge（inaverylowvoice，becausesheissoyoungandtimid）。Thenheishappy。
Thestageheroneverhasanyworktodo。Heisalwayshangingaboutandgettingintotrouble。Hischiefaiminlifeistobeaccusedofcrimeshehasnevercommitted，andifhecanmuddlethingsupwithacorpseinsomecomplicatedwaysoastogethimselfreasonablymistakenforthemurderer，hefeelshisdayhasnotbeenwasted。
Hehasawonderfulgiftofspeechandaflowoflanguagecalculatedtostriketerrortothebravestheart。Itisagrandthingtohearhimbullyraggingthevillain。
Thestageheroisalwaysentitledto\"estates，\"chieflyremarkablefortheirhighstateofcultivationandfortheeccentricgroundplanofthe\"manorhouse\"uponthem。Thehouseisnevermorethanonestoryhigh，butitmakesupingreenstuffovertheporchwhatitlacksinsizeandconvenience。
Thechiefdrawbackinconnectionwithit，tooureyes，isthatalltheinhabitantsoftheneighboringvillageappeartoliveinthefrontgarden，buttheheroevidentlythinksitratherniceofthem，asitenableshimtomakespeechestothemfromthefrontdoorstep——hisfavoriterecreation。
Thereisgenerallyapublic—houseimmediatelyopposite。Thisishandy。
These\"estates\"areagreatanxietytothestagehero。Heisnotwhatyouwouldcallabusinessman，asfaraswecanjudge，andhisattemptstomanagehisownpropertyinvariablylandhiminruinanddistraction。His\"estates，\"however，alwaysgettakenawayfromhimbythevillainbeforethefirstactisover，andthissaveshimallfurthertroublewithregardtothemuntiltheendoftheplay，whenhegetssaddledwiththemoncemore。
Notbutwhatitmustbeconfessedthatthereismuchexcuseforthepoorfellow’sgeneralbewildermentconcerninghisaffairsandforhislegalerrorsandconfusionsgenerally。Stage\"law\"maynotbequitethemostfearfulandwonderfulmysteryinthewholeuniverse，butit’snearit——verynearit。Wewereundertheimpressionatonetimethatweourselvesknewsomething——justalittle——aboutstatutoryandcommonlaw，butafterpayingattentiontothelegalpointsofoneortwoplayswefoundthatweweremerechildrenatit。
Wethoughtwewouldnotbebeaten，andwedeterminedtogettothebottomofstagelawandtounderstandit;butaftersomesixmonths’
effortourbrain（asingularlyfineone）begantosoften，andweabandonedthestudy，believingitwouldcomecheaperintheendtoofferasuitablereward，ofabout50，000poundsor60，000pounds，say，toanyonewhowouldexplainittous。
Therewardhasremainedunclaimedtothepresentdayandisstillopen。
Onegentlemandidcometoourassistancealittlewhileago，buthisexplanationsonlymadethemattermoreconfusingtoourmindsthanitwasbefore。Hewassurprisedatwhathecalledourdensity，andsaidthethingwasallclearandsimpletohim。Butwediscoveredafterwardthathewasanescapedlunatic。
Theonlypointsofstage\"law\"onwhichweareatallclearareasfollows:
Thatifamandieswithoutleavingawill，thenallhispropertygoestothenearestvillain。
Butifamandiesandleavesawill，thenallhispropertygoestowhoevercangetpossessionofthatwill。
Thattheaccidentallossofthethree—and—sixpennycopyofamarriagecertificateannulsthemarriage。
Thattheevidenceofoneprejudicedwitnessofshadyantecedentsisquitesufficienttoconvictthemoststainlessandirreproachablegentlemanofcrimesforthecommittalofwhichhecouldhavehadnopossiblemotive。
Butthatthisevidencemayberebuttedyearsafterward，andtheconvictionquashedwithoutfurthertrialbytheunsupportedstatementofthecomicman。
ThatifAforgesB’snametoacheck，thenthelawofthelandisthatBshallbesentencedtotenyears’penalservitude。
Thattenminutes’noticeisallthatisrequiredtoforecloseamortgage。
Thatalltrialsofcriminalcasestakeplaceinthefrontparlorofthevictim’shouse，thevillainactingascounsel，judge，andjuryrolledintoone，andacoupleofpolicemenbeingtoldofftofollowhisinstructions。
Theseareafewofthemoresalientfeaturesofstage\"law\"sofaraswehavebeenabletograspituptothepresent;butasfreshactsandclausesandmodificationsappeartobeintroducedforeachnewplay，wehaveabandonedallhopeofeverbeingabletoreallycomprehendthesubject。
Toreturntoourhero，thestateofthelaw，asabovesketched，naturallyconfuseshim，andthevillain，whoistheonlyhumanbeingwhodoesseemtounderstandstagelegalquestions，iseasilyabletofleeceandruinhim。Thesimple—mindedherosignsmortgages，billsofsale，deedsofgift，andsuchlikethings，undertheimpressionthatheisplayingsomesortofaroundgame;andthenwhenhecannotpaytheinteresttheytakehiswifeandchildrenawayfromhimandturnhimadriftintotheworld。
Beingthrownuponhisownresources，henaturallystarves。
Hecanmakelongspeeches，hecantellyouallhistroubles，hecanstandinthelime—lightandstrikeattitudes，hecanknockthevillaindown，andhecandefythepolice，buttheserequirementsarenotmuchindemandinthelabormarket，andastheyareallhecandoorcarestodo，hefindsearninghislivingamuchmoredifficultaffairthanhefancied。
Thereisadealtoomuchhardworkaboutitforhim。Hesoongivesuptryingitatall，andpreferstoekeoutanuncertainexistencebyspongingupongood—naturedoldIrishwomenandgenerousbutweak—mindedyoungartisanswhohavelefttheirnativevillagetofollowhimandenjoytheadvantageofhiscompanyandconversation。
Andsohedragsouthislifeduringthemiddleofthepiece，ravingatfortune，ragingathumanity，andwhiningabouthismiseriesuntilthelastact。
Thenhegetsbackthose\"estates\"ofhisintohispossessiononceagain，andcangobacktothevillageandmakemoremoralspeechesandbehappy。
Moralspeechesareundoubtedlyhisleadingarticle，andofthese，itmustbeowned，hehasaninexhaustiblestock。Heisaschock—fullofnoblesentimentsasabladderisofwind。Theyareweakandwaterysentimentsofthesixpennytea—meetingorder。Wehaveadimnotionthatwehaveheardthembefore。Thesoundofthemalwaysconjuresuptoourmindthevisionofadulllongroom，fullofoppressivesilence，brokenonlybythescratchingofsteelpensandanoccasionalwhispered\"Giveusasuck，Bill。YouknowIalwayslikedyou;\"oralouder\"Please，sir，speaktoJimmyBoggles。He’sa—joggingmyelbow。\"
Thestagehero，however，evidentlyregardsthesemeanderingsasgemsofbrilliantthought，freshfromthephilosophicmine。
Thegallerygreetsthemwithenthusiasticapproval。Theyareawarm—heartedpeople，galleryites，andtheyliketogiveaheartywelcometooldfriends。
Andthen，too，thesentimentsaresogoodandaBritishgalleryissomoral。Wedoubtiftherecouldbediscoveredonthisearthanybodyofhumanbeingshalfsomoral——sofondofgoodness，evenwhenitisslowandstupid——sohatefulofmeannessinwordordeed——asamoderntheatricalgallery。
TheearlyChristianmartyrsweresinfulandworldlycomparedwithanAdelphigallery。
Thestageheroisaverypowerfulman。Youwouldn’tthinkittolookathim，butyouwaittilltheheroinecries\"Help！Oh，George，saveme！\"orthepoliceattempttorunhimin。Thentwovillains，threeextrahiredruffiansandfourdetectivesareabouthisfighting—weight。
Ifheknocksdownlessthanthreemenwithoneblow，hefearsthathemustbeill，andwonders\"Whythisstrangeweakness？\"
Theherohashisownwayofmakinglove。Healwaysdoesitfrombehind。Thegirlturnsawayfromhimwhenhebegins（shebeing，aswehavesaid，shyandtimid），andhetakesholdofherhandsandbreatheshisattachmentdownherback。
Thestageheroalwayswearspatent—leatherboots，andtheyarealwaysspotlesslyclean。Sometimesheisrichandlivesinaroomwithsevendoorstoit，andatothertimesheisstarvinginagarret;butineithereventhestillwearsbrand—newpatent—leatherboots。
Hemightraiseatleastthree—and—sixpenceonthoseboots，andwhenthebabyiscryingforfood，itoccurstousthatitwouldbebetterif，insteadofprayingtoHeaven，hetookoffthosebootsandpawnedthem;butthisdoesnotseemtooccurtohim。
HecrossestheAfricandesertinpatent—leatherboots，doesthestagehero。Hetakesasupplywithhimwhenheiswreckedonanuninhabitedisland。Hearrivesfromlongandtryingjourneys;hisclothesareraggedandtorn，buthisbootsarenewandshiny。Heputsonpatent—leatherbootstotrampthroughtheAustralianbush，tofightinEgypt，todiscoverthenorthpole。
Sometimesheisagold—digger，sometimesadocklaborer，sometimesasoldier，sometimesasailor，butwhateverheishewearspatent—leatherboots。
Hegoesboatinginpatentleatherboots，heplayscricketinthem;hegoesfishingandshootinginthem。Hewillgotoheaveninpatent—leatherbootsorhewilldeclinetheinvitation。
Thestageheronevertalksinasimple，straightforwardway，likeamereordinarymortal。
\"Youwillwritetomewhenyouareaway，dear，won’tyou？\"saystheheroine。
Amerehumanbeingwouldreply:
\"Why，ofcourseIshall，ducky，everyday。\"
Butthestageheroisasuperiorcreature。Hesays:
\"Dostseeyonderstar，sweet？\"
Shelooksupandownsthatshedoesseeyonderstar;andthenoffhestartsanddrivelsonaboutthatstarforfullfiveminutes，andsayshewillceasetowritetoherwhenthatpalestarhasfallenfromitsplaceamidthefirmamentofheaven。
Theresultofalongcourseofacquaintanceshipwithstageheroeshasbeen，sofarasweareconcerned，tocreateayearningforanewkindofstagehero。Whatwewouldlikeforachangewouldbeamanwhowouldn’tcackleandbragquitesomuch，butwhowascapableoftakingcareofhimselfforadaywithoutgettingintotrouble。
THEVILLAIN。
Hewearsacleancollarandsmokesacigarette;thatishowweknowheisavillain。Inreallifeitisoftendifficulttotellavillainfromanhonestman，andthisgivesrisetomistakes;butonthestage，aswehavesaidvillainswearcleancollarsandsmokecigarettes，andthusallfearofblunderisavoided。
Itiswellthattheruledoesnotholdoffthestage，orgoodmenmightbemisjudged。Weourselves，forinstance，wearacleancollar——sometimes。
Itmightbeveryawkwardforourfamily，especiallyonSundays。
Hehasnopowerofrepartee，hasthestagevillain。Allthegoodpeopleintheplaysayrudeandinsultingthingstohim，andsmackathim，andscoreoffhimallthroughtheact，buthecanneveranswerthemback——canneverthinkofanythingclevertosayinreturn。
\"Ha！ha！waittillMondayweek，\"isthemostbrilliantretortthathecanmake，andhehastogetintoacornerbyhimselftothinkofeventhat。
Thestagevillain’scareerisalwaysveryeasyandprosperousuptowithinaminuteoftheendofeachact。Thenhegetssuddenlyletin，generallybythecomicman。Italwayshappensso。Yetthevillainisalwaysintenselysurprisedeachtime。Heneverseemstolearnanythingfromexperience。
Afewyearsagothevillainusedtobeblessedwithahopefulandphilosophicaltemperament，whichenabledhimtobearupundertheseconstantlyrecurringdisappointmentsandreverses。Itwas\"nomatter，\"hewouldsay。Crushedforthemomentthoughhemightbe，hisbuoyantheartneverlostcourage。Hehadasimple，child—likefaithinProvidence。\"Atimewillcome，\"hewouldremark，andthisideaconsoledhim。
Oflate，however，thistrustinghopefulnessofhis，asexpressedinthebeautifullineswehavequoted，appearstohaveforsakenhim。Wearesorryforthis。Wealwaysregardeditasoneofthefinesttraitsinhischaracter。
Thestagevillain’slovefortheheroineissublimeinitssteadfastness。Sheisawomanoflugubriousandtearfuldisposition，addedtowhichsheisusuallyincumberedwithacoupleofpriggishandhighlyobjectionablechildren，andwhatpossibleattractionthereisaboutherweourselvescanneverunderstand;butthestagevillain——well，there，heisfairlymashedonher。
Nothingcanalterhisaffection。Shehateshimandinsultshimtoanextentthatisreallyunladylike。Everytimehetriestoexplainhisdevotiontoher，theherocomesinandknockshimdowninthemiddleofit，orthecomicmancatcheshimduringoneortheotherofhisharassinglove—sceneswithher，andgoesoffandtellsthe\"villagers\"
orthe\"guests，\"andtheycomeroundandnaghim（weshouldthinkthatthevillainmustgrowtopositivelydislikethecomicmanbeforethepieceisover）。
Notwithstandingallthishestillhankersafterherandswearssheshallbehis。Heisnotabad—lookingfellow，andfromwhatweknowofthemarket，weshouldsaythereareplentyofothergirlswhowouldjumpathim;yetforthesakeofsettlingdownwiththisdismalyoungfemaleashiswife，heispreparedtogothroughalaboriousandexhaustivecourseofcrimeandtobebulliedandinsultedbyeveryonehemeets。Hislovesustainshimunderitall。Herobsandforges，andcheats，andlies，andmurders，andarsons。Iftherewereanyothercrimeshecouldcommittowinheraffection，hewould，forhersweetsake，committhemcheerfully。Buthedoesn’tknowanyothers——atallevents，heisnotwellupinanyothers——andshestilldoesnotcareforhim，andwhatishetodo？
Itisveryunfortunateforbothofthem。Itisevidenttothemerestspectatorthatthelady’slifewouldbemuchhappierifthevillaindidnotloveherquitesomuch;andasforhim，hiscareermightbecalmerandlesscriminalbutforhisdeepdevotiontoher。
Yousee，itishavingmetherinearlylifethatisthecauseofallthetrouble。Hefirstsawherwhenshewasachild，andhelovedher，\"ay，eventhen。\"Ah，andhewouldhaveworked——slavedforher，andhavemadeherrichandhappy。Hemightperhapsevenhavebeenagoodman。
Shetriestosoothehim。Shesayssheloathedhimwithanunspeakablehorrorfromthefirstmomentthathereyesmethisrevoltingform。
Shesaysshesawahideoustoadonceinanastypond，andshesaysthatratherwouldshetakethatnoisomereptileandclaspitsslimybosomtoherownthantolerateoneinstant’stouchfromhis（thevillain’s）arms。
Thissweetprattleofhers，however，onlycharmshimallthemore。Hesayshewillwinheryet。
Nordoesthevillainseemmuchhappierinhislessseriousloveepisodes。Afterhehasindulgedinalittlebadinageoftheabovecharacterwithhisreallady—love，theheroine，hewilloccasionallytryalittlelightflirtationpassagewithhermaidorladyfriend。
Themaidorfrienddoesnotwastetimeinsimileorinmetaphor。Shecallshimablack—heartedscoundrelandclumpshimoverthehead。
Ofrecentyearsithasbeenattemptedtocheerthestagevillain’slovelesslifebymakingthevillageclergyman’sdaughtergoneonhim。
Butitisgenerallyabouttenyearsagowhenevenshelovedhim，andherlovehasturnedtohatebythetimetheplayopens;sothatonthewholehislotcanhardlybesaidtohavebeenmuchimprovedinthisdirection。
Notbutwhatitmustbeconfessedthatherchangeoffeelingis，underthecircumstances，onlynatural。Hetookherawayfromherhappy，peacefulhomewhenshewasveryyoungandbroughtheruptothiswickedovergrownLondon。Hedidnotmarryher。Thereisnoearthlyreasonwhyheshouldnothavemarriedher。Shemusthavebeenafinegirlatthattime（andsheisagood—lookingwomanasitis，withdashandgoabouther），andanyothermanwouldhavesettleddowncozilywithherandhaveledasimple，blamelesslife。
Butthestagevillainisbuiltcussed。
Heill—usesthisfemalemostshockingly——notforanycauseormotivewhatever;indeed，hisownpracticalinterestsshouldprompthimtotreatherwellandkeepfriendswithher——butfromthenaturalcussednesstowhichwehavejustalluded。Whenhespeakstoherheseizesherbythewristandbreatheswhathe’sgottosayintoherear，anditticklesandrevoltsher。
Theonlythinginwhichheisgoodtoherisinthematterofdress。