ACOMEDYINTHREEACTS
PERSONSOFTHEPLAY
JOHNBARTHWICK，M。P。，awealthyLiberalMRS。BARTHWICK，hiswifeJACKBARTHWICK，theirsonROPER，theirsolicitorMRS。JONES，theircharwomanMARLOW，theirmanservantWHEELER，theirmaidservantJONES，thestrangerwithintheirgatesMRS。SEDDON，alandladySNOW，adetectiveAPOLICEMAGISTRATE
ANUNKNOWNLADY，frombeyondTWOLITTLEGIRLS，homelessLIVENS，theirfatherARELIEVINGOFFICER
AMAGISTRATE’SCLERK
ANUSHER
POLICEMEN，CLERKS，ANDOTHERS
TIME:Thepresent。TheactionofthefirsttwoActstakesplaceonEasterTuesday;theactionofthethirdonEasterWednesdayweek。
ACTI。
SCENEI。RockinghamGate。JohnBarthwick’sdining—room。
SCENEII。Thesame。
SCENEIII。Thesame。
ACTII。
SCENEI。TheJones’slodgings，MerthyrStreet。
SCENEII。JohnBarthwick’sdining—room。
ACTIII。ALondonpolicecourt。
ACTI
SCENEI
ThecurtainrisesontheBARTHWICK’Sdining—room，large，modern，andwellfurnished;thewindowcurtainsdrawn。
Electriclightisburning。Onthelargerounddining—tableissetoutatraywithwhisky，asyphon，andasilvercigarette—box。Itispastmidnight。
Afumblingisheardoutsidethedoor。Itisopenedsuddenly;
JACKBARTHWICKseemstofallintotheroom。Hestandsholdingbythedoorknob，staringbeforehim，withabeatificsmile。
Heisineveningdressandoperahat，andcarriesinhishandasky—bluevelvetlady’sreticule。Hisboyishfaceisfreshlycolouredandclean—shaven。Anovercoatishangingonhisarm。
JACK。Hello！I’vegothomeallri。[Defiantly。]WhosaysIsh’dnever’veopenedth’doorwithout’sistance。[Hestaggersin，fumblingwiththereticule。Alady’shandkerchiefandpurseofcrimsonsilkfallout。]Serveherjoll’wellright——everythingdroppin’out。Th’cat。I’vescoredheroff——I’vegotherbag。
[Heswingsthereticule。]Servesherjoly’wellright。[Hetakesacigaretteoutofthesilverboxandputsitinhismouth。]Nevergavetha’fellowanything！[Hehuntsthroughallhispocketsandpullsashillingout;itdropsandrollsaway。Helooksforit。]
Beastlyshilling！[Helooksagain。]Baseingratitude！Absolutelynothing。[Helaughs。]Mus’tellhimI’vegotabsolutelynothing。
[Helurchesthroughthedooranddownacorridor，andpresentlyreturns，followedbyJONES，whoisadvancedinliquor。JONES，aboutthirtyyearsofage，hashollowcheeks，blackcirclesroundhiseyes，andrustyclothes:Helooksasthoughhemightbeunemployed，andentersinahang—dogmanner。]
JACK。Sh！sh！sh！Don’tyoumakeanoise，whateveryoudo。Shu’
thedoor，an’haveadrink。[Verysolemnly。]Youhelpedmetoopenthedoor——I’vegotnothin，foryou。Thisismyhouse。Myfather’sname’sBarthwick;he’sMemberofParliament——LiberalMemberofParliament:I’vetoldyouthatbefore。Haveadrink！[Hepoursoutwhiskyanddrinksitup。]I’mnotdrunk[Subsidingonasofa。]
Tha’sallright。Wha’syourname？Myname’sBarthwick，so’smyfather’s;I’maLiberaltoo——wha’reyou？
JONES。[Inathick，sardonicvoice。]I’mabloomin’Conservative。
Myname’sJones！Mywifeworks’ere;she’sthechar;sheworks’ere。
JACK。Jones？[Helaughs。]There’s’notherJonesatCollegewithme。I’mnotaSocialistmyself;I’maLiberal——there’sve——lilldifference，becauseoftheprinciplesoftheLib——LiberalParty。
We’reallequalbeforethelaw——tha’srot，tha’ssilly。[Laughs。]
Wha’wasIabouttosay？Givemesomewhisky。
[JONESgiveshimthewhiskyhedesires，togetherwithasquirtofsyphon。]
Wha’Iwasgoin’tellyouwas——I’vehadarowwithher。[Hewavesthereticule。]Haveadrink，Jonessh’dneverhavegotinwithoutyou——tha’swhyI’mgivingyouadrink。Don’carewhoknowsI’vescoredheroff。Th’cat！[Hethrowshisfeetuponthesofa。]
Don’youmakeanoise，whateveryoudo。Youpouroutadrink——youmakeyourselfgoodlong，longdrink——youtakecigarette——youtakeanythingyoulike。Sh’dneverhavegotinwithoutyou。[Closinghiseyes。]You’reaTory——you’reaTorySocialist。I’mLiberalmyself——haveadrink——I’manexcel’ntchap。
[Hisheaddropsback。He，smiling，fallsasleep，andJONES
standslookingathim;then，snatchingupJACK’sglass，hedrinksitoff。HepicksthereticulefromoffJACK’S
shirt—front，holdsittothelight，andsmellsatit。]
JONES。Beenonthetilesandbrought’omesomeofyercat’sfur。
[HestuffsitintoJACK’sbreastpocket。]
JACK。[Murmuring。]I’vescoredyouoff！Youcat！
[JONESlooksaroundhimfurtively;hepoursoutwhiskyanddrinksit。Fromthesilverboxhetakesacigarette，puffsatit，anddrinksmorewhisky。Thereisnosobrietyleftinhim。]
JONES。Fatloto’thingsthey’vegot’ere！[Heseesthecrimsonpurselyingonthefloor。]Morecat’sfur。Puss，puss！[Hefingersit，dropsitonthetray，andlooksatJACK。]Calf！Fatcalf！[Heseeshisownpresentmentinamirror。Liftinghishands，withfingersspread，hestaresatit;thenlooksagainatJACK，clenchinghisfistasiftobatterinhissleeping，smilingface。
Suddenlyhetiltstherestofthewhiskyintotheglassanddrinksit。Withcunninggleehetakesthesilverboxandpurseandpocketsthem。]I’llscoreyouofftoo，that’swotI’lldo！
[Hegivesalittlesnarlinglaughandlurchestothedoor。Hisshoulderrubsagainsttheswitch;thelightgoesout。Thereisasoundasofaclosingouterdoor。]
Thecurtainfalls。
Thecurtainrisesagainatonce。
SCENEII
IntheBARTHWICK’Sdining—room。JACKisstillasleep;themorninglightiscomingthroughthecurtains。Thetimeishalf—pasteight。WHEELER，briskpersonenterswithadust—pan，andMRS。JONESmoreslowlywithascuttle。
WHEELER。[Drawingthecurtains。]Thatprecioushusbandofyourswasroundforyouafteryou’dgoneyesterday，Mrs。Jones。Wantedyourmoneyfordrink，Isuppose。Hehangsaboutthecornerherehalfthetime。Isawhimoutsidethe\"GoatandBells\"whenIwenttothepostlastnight。IfIwereyouIwouldn’tlivewithhim。I
wouldn’tlivewithamanthatraisedhishandtome。Iwouldn’tputupwithit。Whydon’tyoutakeyourchildrenandleavehim？Ifyouputupwith’imit’llonlymakehimworse。Inevercanseewhy，becauseaman’smarriedyou，heshouldknockyouabout。
MRS。JONES。[Slim，dark—eyed，anddark—haired;oval—faced，andwithasmooth，soft，evenvoice;hermannerpatient，herwayoftalkingquiteimpersonal;shewearsabluelinendress，andbootswithholes。]Itwasnearlytwolastnightbeforehecomehome，andhewasn’thimself。Hemademegetup，andheknockedmeabout;hedidn’tseemtoknowwhathewassayingordoing。OfcourseIwouldleavehim，butI’mreallyafraidofwhathe’ddotome。He’ssuchaviolentmanwhenhe’snothimself。
WHEELER。Whydon’tyougethimlockedup？You’llneverhaveanypeaceuntilyougethimlockedup。IfIwereyouI’dgotothepolicecourttomorrow。That’swhatIwoulddo。
MRS。JONES。OfcourseIoughttogo，becausehedoestreatmesobadlywhenhe’snothimself。Butyousee，Bettina，hehasaveryhardtime——he’sbeenoutofworktwomonths，anditpreysuponhismind。Whenhe’sinworkhebehaveshimselfmuchbetter。It’swhenhe’soutofworkthathe’ssoviolent。
WHEELER。Well，ifyouwon’ttakeanystepsyou’llnevergetridofhim。
MRS。JONES。Ofcourseit’sverywearingtome;Idon’tgetmysleepatnights。Andit’snotasifIweregettinghelpfromhim，becauseIhavetodoforthechildrenandallofus。Andhethrowssuchdreadfulthingsupatme，talksofmyhavingmentofollowmeabout。Suchathingneverhappens;nomaneverspeakstome。Andofcourse，it’sjusttheotherway。It’swhathedoesthat’swrongandmakesmesounhappy。Andthenhe’salwaysthreatenin’tocutmythroatifIleavehim。It’sallthedrink，andthingspreyingonhismind;he’snotabadmanreally。Sometimeshe’llspeakquitekindtome，butI’vestoodsomuchfromhim，Idon’tfeelitinmetospeakkindback，butjustkeepmyselftomyself。Andhe’sallrightwiththechildrentoo，exceptwhenhe’snothimself。
WHEELER。Youmeanwhenhe’sdrunk，thebeauty。
MRS。JONES。Yes。[Withoutchangeofvoice]There’stheyounggentlemanasleeponthesofa。
[TheybothlooksilentlyatJack。]
MRS。JONES。[Atlast，inhersoftvoice。]Hedoesn’tlookquitehimself。
WHEELER。He’sayounglimb，that’swhatheis。It’smybeliefhewastipsylastnight，likeyourhusband。It’sanotherkindofbein’outofworkthatsetshimtodrink。I’llgoandtellMarlow。
Thisishisjob。
[Shegoes。]
[Mrs。Jones，uponherknees，beginsagentlesweeping。]
JACK。[Waking。]Who’sthere？Whatisit？
MRS。JONES。It’sme，sir，Mrs。Jones。
JACK。[Sittingupandlookinground。]Whereisit——what——whattimeisit？
MRS。JONES。It’sgettingonfornineo’clock，sir。
JACK。Fornine！Why——what！[Rising，andlooseninghistongue;
puttinghandstohishead，andstaringhardatMrs。Jones。]Lookhere，you，Mrs……Mrs。Jones——don’tyousayyoucaughtmeasleephere。
MRS。JONES。No，sir，ofcourseIwon’tsir。
JACK。It’squiteanaccident;Idon’tknowhowithappened。Imusthaveforgottentogotobed。It’saqueerthing。I’vegotamostbeastlyheadache。Mindyoudon’tsayanything，Mrs。Jones。
[GoesoutandpassesMARLOWinthedoorway。MARLOWisyoungandquiet;heiscleanshaven，andhishairisbrushedhighfromhisforeheadinacoxcomb。Incidentallyabutler，heisfirstaman。HelooksatMRS。JONES，andsmilesaprivatesmile。]
MARLOW。Notthefirsttime，andwon’tbethelast。Lookedabitdicky，eh，Mrs。Jones？
MRS。JONES。Hedidn’tlookquitehimself。OfcourseIdidn’ttakenotice。
MARLOW。You’reusedtothem。How’syouroldman？
MRS。JONES。[Softlyasthroughout。]Well，hewasverybadlastnight;hedidn’tseemtoknowwhathewasabout。Hewasverylate，andhewasmostabusive。Butnow，ofcourse，he’sasleep。
MARLOW。That’shiswayoffindingajob，eh？
MRS。JONES。Asarule，Mr。Marlow，hegoesoutearlyeverymorninglookingforwork，andsometimeshecomesinfittodrop——andofcourseIcan’tsayhedoesn’ttrytogetit，becausehedoes。
Trade’sverybad。[Shestandsquitestill，herfanandbrushbeforeher，atthebeginningandtheendoflongvistasofexperience，traversingthemwithherimpersonaleye。]Buthe’snotagoodhusbandtome——lastnighthehitme，andhewassodreadfullyabusive。
MARLOW。Bank’oliday，eh！He’stoofondofthe\"GoatandBells，\"
that’swhat’sthematterwithhim。Iseehimatthecornerlateeverynight。Hehangsabout。
MRS。JONES。Hegetstofeelingverylowwalkingaboutalldayafterwork，andbeingrefusedsooften，andthenwhenhegetsadropinhimitgoestohishead。Butheshouldn’ttreathiswifeashetreatsme。SometimesI’vehadtogoandwalkaboutatnight，whenhewouldn’tletmestayintheroom;buthe’ssorryforitafterwards。Andhehangsaboutafterme，hewaitsformeinthestreet;andIdon’tthinkheoughtto，becauseI’vealwaysbeenagoodwifetohim。AndItellhimMrs。Barthwickwouldn’tlikehimcomingabouttheplace。Butthatonlymakeshimangry，andhesaysdreadfulthingsaboutthegentry。Ofcourseitwasthroughmethathefirstlosthisplace，throughhisnottreatingmeright;andthat’smadehimbitteragainstthegentry。Hehadaverygoodplaceasgroominthecountry;butitmadesuchastir，becauseofcoursehedidn’ttreatmeright。
MARLOW。Gotthesack？
MRS。JONES。Yes;hisemployersaidhecouldn’tkeephim，becausetherewasagreatdealoftalk;andhesaiditwassuchabadexample。Butit’sveryimportantformetokeepmyworkhere;I
havethethreechildren，andIdon’twanthimtocomeaboutaftermeinthestreets，andmakeadisturbanceashesometimesdoes。
MARLOW。[Holdinguptheemptydecanter。]Notadrain！Nexttimehehitsyougetawitnessandgodowntothecourt。
MRS。JONES。Yes，IthinkI’vemadeupmymind。IthinkIoughtto。
MARLOW。That’sright。Where’stheciga。？
[Hesearchesforthesilverbox;helooksatMRS。JONES，whoissweepingonherhandsandknees;hecheckshimselfandstandsreflecting。Fromthetrayhepickstwohalf—smokedcigarettes，andreadsthenameonthem。]
Nestor——wherethedeuce。？
[WithameditativeairhelooksagainatMRS。JONES，and，takingupJACK’Sovercoat，hesearchesinthepockets。
WHEELER，withatrayofbreakfastthings，comesin。]
MARLOW。[AsidetoWHEELER。]Haveyouseenthecigarette—box？
WHEELER。No。
MARLOW。Well，it’sgone。Iputitonthetraylastnight。Andhe’sbeensmoking。[Showinghertheendsofcigarettes。]It’snotinthesepockets。Hecan’thavetakenitupstairsthismorning！
Haveagoodlookinhisroomwhenhecomesdown。Who’sbeeninhere？
WHEELER。OnlymeandMrs。Jones。
MRS。JONES。I’vefinishedhere;shallIdothedrawing—roomnow？
WHEELER。[Lookingatherdoubtfully。]Haveyouseen。Betterdotheboudwowerfirst。
[MRS。JONESgoesoutwithpanandbrush。MARLOWandWHEELER
lookeachotherintheface。]
MARLOW。It’llturnup。
WHEELER。[Hesitating。]Youdon’tthinkshe。
[Noddingatthedoor。]
MARLOW。[Stoutly。]Idon’t。Ineverbelievesanythingofanybody。
WHEELER。Butthemaster’llhavetobetold。
MARLOW。Youwaitabit，andseeifitdon’tturnup。Suspicion’snobusinessofours。Isetmymindagainstit。
Thecurtainfalls。
Thecurtainrisesagainatonce。
SCENEIII
BARTHWICKandMRS。BARTHWICKareseatedatthebreakfasttable。
Heisamanbetweenfiftyandsixty;quietlyimportant，withabaldforehead，andpince—nez，andthe\"Times\"inhishand。Sheisaladyofnearlyfifty，welldressed，withgreyishhair，goodfeatures，andadecidedmanner。Theyfaceeachother。
BARTHWICK。[Frombehindhispaper。]TheLabourmanhasgotinattheby—electionforBarnside，mydear。
MRS。BARTHWICK。AnotherLabour？Ican’tthinkwhatonearththecountryisabout。
BARTHWICK。Ipredictedit。It’snotamatterofvastimportance。
MRS。BARTHWICK。Not？Howcanyoutakeitsocalmly，John？Tomeit’ssimplyoutrageous。Andthereyousit，youLiberals，andpretendtoencouragethesepeople！
BARTHWICK。[Frowning。]Therepresentationofallpartiesisnecessaryforanyproperreform，foranypropersocialpolicy。
MRS。BARTHWICK。I’venopatiencewithyourtalkofreform——allthatnonsenseaboutsocialpolicy。Weknowperfectlywellwhatitistheywant;theywantthingsforthemselves。ThoseSocialistsandLabourmenareanabsolutelyselfishsetofpeople。Theyhavenosenseofpatriotism，liketheupperclasses;theysimplywantwhatwe’vegot。
BARTHWICK。Wantwhatwe’vegot！[Hestaresintospace。]Mydear，whatareyoutalkingabout？[Withacontortion。]I’mnoalarmist。
MRS。BARTHWICK。Cream？Quiteuneducatedmen！Waituntiltheybegintotaxourinvestments。I’mconvincedthatwhentheyoncegetachancetheywilltaxeverything——they’venofeelingforthecountry。YouLiberalsandConservatives，you’reallalike;youdon’tseeaninchbeforeyournoses。You’venoimagination，notascrapofimaginationbetweenyou。Yououghttojoinhandsandnipitinthebud。
BARTHWICK。You’retalkingnonsense！HowisitpossibleforLiberalsandConservativestojoinhands，asyoucallit？Thatshowshowabsurditisforwomen。Why，theveryessenceofaLiberalistotrustinthepeople！
MRS。BARTHWICK。Now，John，eatyourbreakfast。AsiftherewereanyrealdifferencebetweenyouandtheConservatives。Alltheupperclasseshavethesameintereststoprotect，andthesameprinciples。[Calmly。]Oh！you’resittinguponavolcano，John。
BARTHWICK。What！
MRS。BARTHWICK。Ireadaletterinthepaperyesterday。Iforgettheman’sname，butitmadethewholethingperfectlyclear。Youdon’tlookthingsintheface。
BARTHWICK。Indeed！[Heavily。]IamaLiberal！Dropthesubject，please！
MRS。BARTHWICK。Toast？Iquiteagreewithwhatthismansays:
Educationissimplyruiningthelowerclasses。Itunsettlesthem，andthat’stheworstthingforusall。Iseeanenormousdifferenceinthemannerofservants。
BARTHWICK，[Withsuspiciousemphasis。]Iwelcomeanychangethatwillleadtosomethingbetter。[Heopensaletter。]H’m！ThisisthataffairofMasterJack’sagain。\"HighStreet，Oxford。Sir，WehavereceivedMr。JohnBarthwick，Senior’s，draftforfortypounds！\"
Oh！theletter’stohim！\"Wenowenclosethechequeyoucashedwithus，which，aswestatedinourpreviousletter，wasnotmetonpresentationatyourbank。Weare，Sir，yoursobediently，MossandSons，Tailors。\"H’m！[Staringatthecheque。]Aprettybusinessaltogether！Theboymighthavebeenprosecuted。
MRS。BARTHWICK。Come，John，youknowJackdidn’tmeananything;heonlythoughthewasoverdrawing。Istillthinkhisbankoughttohavecashedthatcheque。Theymustknowyourposition。
BARTHWICK。[Replacingintheenvelopetheletterandthecheque。]
Muchgoodthatwouldhavedonehiminacourtoflaw。
[HestopsasJACKcomesin，fasteninghiswaistcoatandstaunchingarazorcutuponhischin。]
JACK。[Sittingdownbetweenthem，andspeakingwithanartificialjoviality。]SorryI’mlate。[Helookslugubriouslyatthedishes。]Tea，please，mother。Anylettersforme？[BARTHWICK
handsthelettertohim。]Butlookhere，Isay，thishasbeenopened！Idowishyouwouldn’t。
BARTHWICK。[Touchingtheenvelope。]IsupposeI’mentitledtothisname。
JACK。[Sulkily。]Well，Ican’thelphavingyourname，father！[Hereadstheletter，andmutters。]Brutes！
BARTHWICK。[Eyeinghim。]Youdon’tdeservetobesowelloutofthat。