byGeorgeBernardShawPREFACE
Likemanyotherworksofmine，thisplayletisapieced’occasion。In1905ithappenedthatMrArnoldDaly，whowasthenplayingthepartofNapoleoninTheManofDestinyinNewYork，foundthatwhilsttheplaywastoolongtotakeasecondaryplaceintheevening’sperformance，itwastooshorttosufficebyitself。IthereforetookadvantageoffourdayscontinuousrainduringaholidayinthenorthofScotlandtowriteHowHeLiedToHerHusbandforMrDaly。Inhishands，itserveditsturnveryeffectively。
Iprintithereasasampleofwhatcanbedonewitheventhemosthackneyedstageframeworkbyfillingitinwithanobservedtouchofactualhumanityinsteadofwithdoctrinaireromanticism。
Nothinginthetheatreisstalerthanthesituationofhusband，wifeandlover，orthefunofknockaboutfarce。Ihavetakenboth，andgotanoriginalplayoutofthem，asanybodyelsecanifonlyhewilllookabouthimforhismaterialinsteadofplagiarizingOthelloandthethousandplaysthathaveproceededonOthello’sromanticassumptionsandfalsepointofhonor。
AfurtherexperimentmadebyMrArnoldDalywiththisplayisworthrecording。In1905MrDalyproducedMrsWarren’sProfessioninNewYork。ThepressofthatcityinstantlyraisedacrythatsuchpersonsasMrsWarrenare\"ordure，\"andshouldnotbementionedinthepresenceofdecentpeople。ThishideousrepudiationofhumanityandsocialconsciencesotookpossessionoftheNewYorkjournaliststhatthefewamongthemwhokepttheirfeetmorallyandintellectuallycoulddonothingtochecktheepidemicoffoullanguage，grosssuggestion，andravingobscenityofwordandthoughtthatbrokeout。Thewritersabandonedallself—restraintundertheimpressionthattheywereupholdingvirtueinsteadofoutragingit。Theyinfectedeachotherwiththeirhysteriauntiltheywereforallpracticalpurposesindecentlymad。TheyfinallyforcedthepolicetoarrestMrDalyandhiscompany，andledthemagistratetoexpresshisloathingofthedutythusforceduponhimofreadinganunmentionableandabominableplay。Ofcoursetheconvulsionsoonexhausteditself。Themagistrate，naturallysomewhatimpatientwhenhefoundthatwhathehadtoreadwasastrenuouslyethicalplayformingpartofabookwhichhadbeenincirculationunchallengedforeightyears，andhadbeenreceivedwithoutprotestbythewholeLondonandNewYorkpress，gavethejournalistsapieceofhismindastotheirmoraltasteinplays。
Byconsent，hepassedthecaseontoahighercourt，whichdeclaredthattheplaywasnotimmoral；acquittedMrDaly；andmadeanendoftheattempttousethelawtodeclarelivingwomentobe\"ordure，\"andthusenforcesilenceastothefar—reachingfactthatyoucannotcheapenwomeninthemarketforindustrialpurposeswithoutcheapeningthemforotherpurposesaswell。I
hopeMrsWarren’sProfessionwillbeplayedeverywhere，inseasonandoutofseason，untilMrsWarrenhasbittenthatfactintothepublicconscience，andshamedthenewspaperswhichsupportatarifftokeepupthepriceofeveryAmericancommodityexceptAmer0000000000000000icanmanhoodandwomanhood。
Unfortunately，MrDalyhadalreadysufferedtheusualfateofthosewhodirectpublicattentiontotheprofitsofthesweaterorthepleasuresofthevoluptuary。Hewasmorallylynchedsidebysidewithme。Monthselapsedbeforethedecisionofthecourtsvindicatedhim；andeventhen，sincehisvindicationimpliedthecondemnationofthepress，whichwasbythattimesoberagain，andashamedofitsorgy，histriumphreceivedarathersulkyandgrudgingpublicity。InthemeantimehehadhardlybeenabletoapproachanAmericancity，includingeventhosecitieswhichhadheapedapplauseonhimasthedefenderofhearthandhomewhenheproducedCandida，withouthavingtofacearticlesdiscussingwhethermotherscouldallowtheirdaughterstoattendsuchplaysasYouNeverCanTell，writtenbytheinfamousauthorofMrsWarren’sProfession，andactedbythemonsterwhoproducedit。
Whatmadethishardertobearwasthatthoughnofactisbetterestablishedintheatricalbusinessthanthefinancialdisastrousnessofmoraldiscredit，thejournalistswhohaddoneallthemischiefkeptpayingvicethehomageofassumingthatitisenormouslypopularandlucrative，andthatIandMrDaly，beingexploitersofvice，mustthereforebemakingcolossalfortunesoutoftheabuseheapedonus，andhadinfactprovokeditandwelcomeditwiththatexpressobject。Ignoranceofreallifecouldhardlygofurther。
OneconsequencewasthatMrDalycouldnothavekepthisfinancialengagementsormaintainedhisholdonthepublichadhenotacceptedengagementstoappearforaseasoninthevaudevilletheatres[theAmericanequivalentofourmusichalls]，whereheplayedHowHeLiedtoHerHusbandcomparativelyunhamperedbythepresscensorshipofthetheatre，orbythatsophisticationoftheaudiencethroughpresssuggestionfromwhichIsuffermore，perhaps，thananyotherauthor。Vaudevilleauthorsarefortunatelyunknown:theaudiencesseewhattheplaycontainsandwhattheactorcando，notwhatthepapershavetoldthemtoexpect。SuccessundersuchcircumstanceshadavaluebothforMrDalyandmyselfwhichdidsomethingtoconsoleusfortheveryunsavorymobbingwhichtheNewYorkpressorganizedforus，andwhichwasnotthelessdisgustingbecausewesufferedinagoodcauseandintheverybestcompany。
MrDaly，havingweatheredthestorm，canperhapsshakehissoulfree——————————————ofitasheheadsforfreshsuccesseswithyoungerauthors。
ButIhavecertainsensitiveplacesinmysoul:Idonotlikethatword\"ordure。\"Applyittomywork，andIcanaffordtosmile，sincetheworld，onthewhole，willsmilewithme。Buttoapplyittothewomaninthestreet，whosespiritisofonesubstancewithourownandherbodynolessholy:tolookyourwomenfolkinthefaceafterwardsandnotgooutandhangyourself:thatisnotonthelistofpardonablesins。
POSTSCRIPT。SincetheabovewaswrittennewshasarrivedfromAmericathataleadingNewYorknewspaper，whichwasamongthemostabusivelyclamorousforthesuppressionofMrsWarren’sProfession，hasjustbeenfinedheavilyforderivingpartofitsrevenuefromadvertisementsofMrsWarren’shouses。
Manypeoplehavebeenpuzzledbythefactthatwhilststageentertainmentswhicharefranklymeanttoactonthespectatorsasaphrodisiacs，areeverywheretolerated，playswhichhaveanalmosthorrifyinglycontraryeffectarefiercelyattackedbyp``````ersonsandpapersnotoriouslyindifferenttopublicmoralsonallotheroccasions。Theexplanationisverysimple。TheprofitsofMrsWarren’sprofessionaresharednotonlybyMrsWarrenandSirGeorgeCrofts，butbythelandlordsoftheirhouses，thenewspaperswhichadvertizethem，therestaurantswhichcaterforthem，and，inshort，allthetradestowhichtheyaregoodcustomers，nottomentionthepublicofficialsandrepresentativeswhomtheysilencebycomplicity，corruption，orblackmail。Addtothesetheemployerswhoprofitbycheapfemalelabor，andtheshareholderswhosedividendsdependonit[youfindsuchpeopleeverywhere，evenonthejudicialbenchandinthehighestplacesinChurchandState]，andyougetalargeandpowerfulclasswithastrongpecuniaryincentivetoprotectMrsWarren’sprofession，andacorrespondinglystrongincentivetoconceal，fromtheirownconsciencesnolessthanfromtheworld，therealsourcesoftheirgain。Thesearethepeoplewhodeclarethatitisfeminineviceandnotpovertythatdriveswomentothestreets，asifviciouswomenwithindependentincomeseverwentthere。Thesearethepeoplewho，indulgentorindifferenttoaphrodisiacplays，raisethemoralhueandcryagainstperformancesofMrsWarren’sProfession，anddragactressestothepolicecourttobeinsulted，bullied，andthreatenedforfulfillingtheirengagements。ForpleaseobservethatthejudicialdecisioninNewYorkStateinfavoroftheplaydoesnotendthematter。InKansasCity，forinstance，themunicipality，findingitselfrestrainedbythecourtsfrompreventingtheperformance，fellbackonalocalbye—lawagainstindecencytoevadetheConstitutionoftheUnitedStates。TheysummonedtheactresswhoimpersonatedMrsWarrentothepolicecourt，andofferedherandhercolleaguesthealternativeofleavingthecityorbeingprosecutedunderthisbye—law。
NownothingismorepossiblethanthatthecitycouncillorswhosuddenlydisplayedsuchconcernforthemoralsofthetheatrewereeitherMrsWarren’slandlords，oremployersofwomenatstarvationwages，orrestaurantkeepers，ornewspaperproprietors，orinsomeothermoreorlessdirectwaysharersoftheprofitsofhertrade。Nodoubtitisequallypossiblethattheyweresimplystupidmenwhothoughtthatindecencyconsists，notinevil，butinmentionin+++++++++git。Ihave，however，beenmyselfamemberofamunicipalcouncil，andhavenotfoundmunicipalcouncillorsquitesosimpleandinexperiencedasthis。AtalleventsIdonotproposetogivetheKansascouncillorsthebenefitofthedoubt。Ithereforeadvisethepublicatlarge，whichwillfinallydecidethematter，tokeepavigilanteyeongentlemenwhowillstandanythingatthetheatreexceptaperformanceofMrsWarren’sProfession，andwhoassertinthesamebreaththat[a]theplayistooloathsometobebearablebycivilizedpeople，and[b]thatunlessitsDFDSCXZperformanceisprohibitedthewholetownwillthrongtoseeit。Theymaybemerelyexcitedandfoolish；butIamboundtowarnthepublicthatitisequallylikelythattheymaybecollectedandknavish。
Atallevents，toprohibittheplayistoprotecttheevilwhichtheplayexposes；andinviewofthatfact，Iseenoreasonforassumingthattheprohibitionistsaredisinterestedmoralists，andthattheauthor，themanagers，andtheperformers，whodependfortheirlivelihoodontheirpersonalreputationsandnotonrents，advertisements，ordividends，aregrosslyinferiortotheminmoralsenseandpublicresponsibility。
ItistruethatinMrsWarren’sProfession，Society，andnotanyindividual，isthevillainofthepiece；butitdoesnotfollowthatthepeoplewhotakeoffenceatitareallchampionsofsociety。Theircredentialscannotbetoocarefullyexamined。
HOWHELIEDTOHERHUSBAND
Itiseighto’clockintheevening。ThecurtainsaredrawnandthelampslightedinthedrawingroomofHerflatinCromwellRoad。Herlover，abeautifulyouthofeighteen，ineveningdressandcape，withabunchofflowersandanoperahatinhishands，comesinalone。Thedoorisnearthecorner；andasheappearsinthedoorway，hehasthefireplaceonthenearestwalltohisright，andthegrandpianoalongtheoppositewalltohisleft。NeartheXXXXXXXXXXXXXfireplaceasmallornamentaltablehasonitahandmirror，afan，apairoflongwhitegloves，andalittlewhitewoollencloudtowrapawoman’sheadin。Ontheothersideoftheroom，nearthepiano，isabroad，square，softlyup—
holsteredstool。TheroomisfurnishedinthemostapprovedSouthKensingtonfashion:thatis，itisaslikeashowroomaspossible，andisintendedtodemonstratetheracialpositionandspendingpowersofitsowners，andnotintheleasttomakethemcomfortable。
Heis，beitrepeated，averybeautifulyouth，movingasinadream，walkingasonair。Heputshisflowersdowncarefullyonthetablebesidethefan；takesoffhiscape，and，asthereisnoroomonthetableforit，takesittothepiano；putshishatonthecape；crossestothehearth；looksathiswatch；putsitupagain；noticesthethingsonthetable；lightsupasifhesawheavenopeningbeforehim；goestothetableandtakesthecloudinbothhands，nestlinghisnoseintoitssoftnessandkissingit；kissestheglovesoneafteranother；kissesthefan:gaspsalongshudderingsighofecstasy；sits3425downonthestoolandpresseshishandstohiseyestoshutoutrealityanddreamalittle；takeshishandsdownandshakeshisheadwithalittlesmileofrebukeforhisfolly；catchessightofaspeckofdustonhisshoesandhastilyandcarefullybrushesitoffwithhishandkerchief；risesandtakesthehandmirrorfromthetabletomakesureofhistiewiththegravestanxiety；andislookingathiswatchagainwhenShecomesin，muchflustered。Assheisdressedforthetheatre；hasspoilt，pettedways；andwearsmanydiamonds，shehasanairofbeingayoungandbeautifulwoman；
butasamatterofhardfact，sheis，dressandpretensionsapart，averyordinarySouthKensingtonfemaleofabout37，hopelesslyinferiorinphysicalandspiritualdistinctiontothebeautifulyouth，whohastilyputsdownthemirrorassheenters。
HE[kissingherhand]Atlast！
SHE。Henry:somethingdreadfulhashappened。
HE。What’sthematter？
SHE。Ihavelostyourpoems。
HE。Theywereunworthyofyou。Iwillwriteyousomemore。
SHE。No，thankyou。Neveranymorepoemsforme。Oh，howcouldI
havebeensomad！sorash！soimprudent！
HE。ThankHeavenforyourmadness，yourrashness，yourimprudence！
SHE[impatiently]Oh，besensible，Henry。Can’tyouseewhataterriblethingthisisforme？Supposeanybodyfindsthesepoems！
whatwilltheythink？
HE。Theywillthinkthatamanoncelovedawomanmoredevotedlythanevermanlovedwomanbefore。Buttheywillnotknowwhatmanitwas。
SHE。Whatgoodisthattomeifeverybodywillknowwhatwomanitwas？
HE。Buthowwilltheyknow？
SHE。Howwilltheyknow！Why，mynameisalloverthem:mysilly，unhappyname。Oh，ifIhadonlybeenchristenedMaryJane，orGladysMuriel，orBeatrice，orFrancesca，orGuinevere，orsomethingquitecommon！ButAurora！Aurora！I’mtheonlyAurorainLondon；andeverybodyknowsit。IbelieveI’mtheonlyAuroraintheworld。Andit’ssohorriblyeasytorhymetoit！Oh，Henry，whydidn’tyoutrytorestrainyourfeelingsalittleincommonconsiderationforme？Whydidn’tyouwritewithsomelittlereserve？
HE。Writepoemstoyouwithreserve！Youas————kmethat！
SHE[withperfunctorytenderness]Yes，dear，ofcourseitwasveryniceofyou；andIknowitwasmyownfaultasmuchasyours。Ioughttohavenoticedthatyourversesoughtnevertohavebeenaddressedtoamarriedwoman。
HE。Ah，howIwishtheyhadbeenaddressedtoanunmarriedwoman！
howIwishtheyhad！
SHE。Indeedyouhavenorighttowishanythingofthesort。Theyarequiteunfitforanybodybutamarriedwoman。That’sjustthedifficulty。Whatwillmysisters—in—lawthinkofthem？
HE[painfullyjarred]Haveyougotsisters—in—law？
SHE。Yes，ofcourseIhave。DoyousupposeIamanangel？
HE[bitinghislips]Ido。Heavenhelpme，Ido——orIdid——or[healmostchokesasob]。
SHE[softeningandputtingherhandcaressinglyonhisshoulder]
Listentome，dear。It’sveryniceofyoutolivewithmeinadream，andtoloveme，andsoon；butIcan’thelpmyhusbandhavingdisagreeablerelatives，canI？
HE[brighteningup]Ah，ofcoursetheyareyourhusband’srelatives:Iforgotthat。Forgiveme，Aurora。[Hetakesherhandfromhisshoulderandkissesit。Shesitsdownonthestool。Heremainsnearthetable，withhisbacktoit，smilingfatuouslydownather]。
SHE。Thefactis，Teddy’sgotnothingbutrelSafeatives。Hehaseightsistersandsixhalf—sisters，andeversomanybrothers——butI
don’tmindhisbrothers。Nowifyouonlyknewtheleastlittlethingabouttheworld，Henry，you’dknowthatinalargefamily，thoughthesistersquarrelwithoneanotherlikemadallthetime，yetletoneofthebrothersmarry，andtheyallturnontheirunfortunatesister—in—lawanddevotetherestoftheirliveswithperfectunanimitytopersuadinghimthathiswifeisunworthyofhim。Theycandoittoherveryfacewithoutherknowingit，becausetherearealwaysalotofstupidlowfamilyjokesthatnobodyunderstandsbutthemselves。Halfthetimeyoucan’ttellwhatthey’retalkingabout:itjustdrivesyouwild。
Thereoughttobealawagainstaman’ssistereverenteringhishouseafterhe’smarried。I’mascertainasthatI’msittingherethatGeorginastolethosepoemsoutofmyworkbox。
HE。Shewillnotunderstandthem，Ithin549+65+k+。
SHE。Oh，won’tshe！She’llunderstand———————————65+45——————+*themonlytoowell。She’llunderstandmoreharmthaneverwasinthem:nastyvulgar—mindedcat！
HE[goingtoher]Ohdon’t，don’tthinkofpeopleinthatway。
Don’tthinkofheratall。[Hetakesherhandandsitsdownonthecarpetatherfeet]。Aurora:doyouremembertheeveningwhenIsathereatyourfeetandreadyouthosepoemsforthefirsttime？
SHE。Ishouldn’thaveletyou:Iseethatnow。WhenIthinkofGeorginasittingthereatTeddy’sfeetandreadingthemtohimforthefirsttime，IfeelIshalljustgodistracted。
HE。Yes，youareright。Itwillbeaprofanation。
SHE。Oh，Idon’tcareabouttheprofanation；butwhatwillTeddythink？whatwillhedo？[Suddenlythrowinghisheadawayfromherknee]。Youdon’tseemtothinkabitaboutTeddy。[Shejumpsup，moreandmoreagitated]。
HE[supineonthefloor；forshehasthrownhimoffhisbalance]
TomeTeddyisnothing，andGeorginalessthannothing。
SHE。You’llsoonfindouthowmuchlessthannothingsheis。Ifyouthinkawomancan’tdoanyharmbecauseshe’sonlyascandalmongeringdowdyragbag，you’regreatlymistaken。[Sheflouncesabouttheroom。Hegetsupslowlyanddustshishands。
Suddenlysherunstohimandthrowsherselfintohisarms]。
Henry:helpme。Findawayoutofthisforme；andI’llblessyouaslongasyoulive。Oh，howwretchedIam！[Shesobsonhisbreast]。
HE。Andoh！howhappyIam！
SHE[whiskingherselfabruptlyaway]Don’tbeselfish。
HE[humbly]Yes:Ideservethat。IthinkifIweregoingtothestakewithyou，IshouldstillbesohappywithyouthatIcouldhardlyfeelyourdangermorethanmyown。
SHE[relentingandpattinghishandfondly]Oh，youareadeardarlingboy，Henry；but[throwinghishandawayfretfully]you’renouse。Iwantsomebodytotellmewhattodo。
HE[withquietconviction]45+654+—————————Yourheartwilltell————————————————youattherighttime。Ihavethoughtdeeplyoverthis；andIknowwhatwetwomustdo，soonerorlater。
SHE。No，Henry。Iwilldonothingimproper，nothingdishonorable。
[Shesitsdownplumponthestooland—++looksinflexible]。
HE。Ifyoudid，youwouldnolongerbeAurora。Ourcourseisperfectlysimple，perfectlystraightforward，perfectlystainlessandtrue。Weloveoneanother。Iamnotashamedofthat:IamreadytogooutandproclaimittoallLondonassimplyasIwilldeclareittoyourhusbandwhenyousee——asyousoonwillsee——
thatthisistheonlywayhonorableenoughforyourfeettotread。Letusgoouttogethertoourownhouse，thisevening，withoutconcealmentandwithoutshame。Remember！weowesomethingtoyourhusband。Wearehisguestshere:heisanhonorableman:
hehasbeenkindtous:hehasperhapslovedyouaswellashisprosaicnatureandhissordidcommercialenvironmentpermitted。
Weoweittohiminallhonornottolethimlearnthetruthfromthelipsofascandalmonger。Letusgotohimnowquietly，handinhand；bidhimfarewell；andwalkoutofthehousewithoutconcealmentandsubterfuge，freelyandhonestly，infullhonorandself—respect。
SHE[staringathim]Andwhereshallwegoto？
HE。Weshallnotdepartbyahair’sbreadthfromtheordinarynaturalcurrentofourlives。Weweregoingtothetheatrewhenthelossofthepoemscompelledustotakeactionatonce。Weshallgotothetheatrestill；butweshallleaveyourdiamondshere；forwecannotafforddiamonds，anddonotneedthem。
SHE[fretfully]IhavetoldyoualreadythatIhatediamonds；
onlyTeddyinsistsonhangingmealloverwiththem。Youn—————eednotpreachsimplicitytome。
HE。Ineverthoughtofdoin874+++—56+90000gso，dearest:Iknowthatthesetrivialitiesarenothingtoyou。WhatwasIsaying——ohyes。
Insteadofcomingbackherefromthetheatre，youwillcomewithmetomyhome——nowandhenceforthourhome——andinduecourseoftime，whenyouaredivorced，weshallgothroughwhateveridlelegalceremonyyoumaydesire。Iattachnoimportancetothelaw:mylovewasnotcreatedinmebythelaw，norcanitbeboundorloosedbyit。Thatissimpleenough，andsweetenough，isitnot？[Hetakestheflowerfromthetable]。Hereareflowersforyou:Ihavethetickets:wewillaskyourhusbandtolendusthecarriagetoshowthatthereisnomalice，nogrudge，betweenus。Come！
SHE[spiritlessly，takingtheflowerswithoutlookingatthem，andtemporizing]Teddyisn’tinyet。
HE。Well，letustakethatcalmly。Letusgotothetheatreasifnothinghadhappened。andtellhimwhenwecomeback。Noworthreehourshence:to—dayorto—morrow:whatdoesitmatter，providedallisdoneinhonor，withoutshameorfear？
SHE。Whatdidyougetticketsfor？Lohengrin？
HE。Itried；butLohengrinwassoldoutforto—night。[HetakesouttwoCourtTheatretickets]。
SHE。Thenwhatdidyouget？
HE。Canyouaskme？WhatistherebesidesLohengrinthatwetwocouldendure，exceptCandida？
SHE[springingup]Candida！No，Iwon’tgotoitagain，Henry[tossingthefloweronthepiano]。Itisthatplaythathasdoneallthemischief。I’mverysorryIeversawit:itoughttobestopped。
HE[amazed]Aurora！
SHE。Yes:Imeanit。
HE。Thatdivinestlovepoem！thepoemthatgaveuscouragetospeaktooneanother！thatrevealedtouswhatwereallyfeltforoneanother！That——
SHE。Justso。ItputalotofstuffintomyheadthatIshouldneverhavedreamtofformyself。IimaginedmyselfjustlikeCandida。
HE[catchingherhandsandlookingearnestlyather]Youwereright。YouarelikeCandida。
SHE[snatchingherhandsaway]Oh，stuff！AndIthoughtyouwerejustlikeEugene。[Lookingcriticallyathim]NowthatIcometolookatyou，youareratherlikehim，too。[Shethrowsherselfdiscontentedlyintothenearestseat，whichhappens———————————————————tobethebenchatthepiano。Hegoestoher]。
HE[veryearnestly]Aurora:ifCandi+dahadlovedEugeneshewouldhavegoneoutintothenightwithhimwithoutamoment’shesitation。
SHE[withequalearnestness]Henry:doyouknowwhat’swantinginthatplay？
HE。Thereisnothingwantinginit。
SHE。Yesthereis。There’saGeorginawantinginit。IfGeorginahadbeentheretomaketrouble，thatplaywouldhavebeenatrue—to—lifetragedy。NowI’lltellyousomethingaboutitthatI
havenevertoldyoubefore。
HE。Whatisthat？
SHE。ItookTeddytoit。Ithoughtitwoulddohimgood；andsoitwouldifIcouldonlyhavekepthimawake。Georginacametoo；
andyoushouldhaveheardthewayshewentonaboutit。Shesaiditwasdownrightimmoral，andthatsheknewthesortofwomanthatencouragesboystositonthehearthrugandmakelovetoher。ShewasjustpreparingTeddy’smindtopoisonitaboutme。
HE。LetusbejusttoGeorgina，dearestSHE。Letherdeserveitfirst。JusttoGeorgina，indeed！
HE。Shereallyseestheworldinthatway。Thatisherpunishment。
SHE。Howcanitbeherpunishmentwhenshelikesit？It’llbemypunishmentwhenshebringsthatbudgetofpoemstoTeddy。Iwishyou’dhavesomesense，andsympathizewithmypositionalittle。
HE。[goingawayfromthepianoandbeginningtowalkaboutrathertestily]Mydear:Ireallydon’tcareaboutGeorginaoraboutTeddy。AllthesesquabblesbelongtoaplaneonwhichIam，asyousay，nouse。Ihavecountedthecost；andIdonotfeartheconsequences。Afterall，whatistheretofear？Whereisthedifficulty？WhatcanGeorginado？Whatcanyourhusbanddo？Whatcananybodydo？
SHE。DoyoumeantosaythatyouproposethatweshouldwalkrightbanguptoTeddyandtellhimwe’regoingawaytogether？
HE。Yes。Whatcanbesimpler？
SHE。Anddoyouthinkforamomenthe’dstandit，likethathalf—bakedclergymanintheplay？He’djustkillyou。
HE[comingtoasuddenstopandspeakingwithconsiderableconfidence]Youdon’tunderstandthesethings，mydarling，howcouldyou？InonerespectIamunlikethepoetintheplay。I
havefollowedtheGreekidealandnotneglectedthecu—————————————————————ltureofmybody。Yourhusbandwouldmakeatolerablesecond—rateheavyweightifhewereintrainingandtenyearsyounger。Asitis，hecould，ifstrunguptoagreateffortbyaburstofpassion，giveagoodaccountofhimselfforperhapsfifteenseconds。ButIamactiveenoughtokeepoutofhisreachforfifteenseconds；andafterthatIshouldbesimplyalloverhim。
SHE[risingandcomingtohiminconsternation]Whatdoyoumeanbyalloverhim？
HE[gently]Don’taskme，dearest。Atallevents，Isweartoyouthatyouneednotbeanxiousaboutme。
SHE。AndwhataboutTeddy？DoyoumeantotellmethatyouaregoingtobeatTeddybeforemyfacelikeabrutalprizefighter？
HE。Allthisalarmisneedless，dearest。Believeme，nothingwillhappen。YourhusbandknowsthatIamcapableofdefendingmyself。
Undersuchcircumstancesnothingeverdoeshappen。AndofcourseIshalldonothing。Themanwhooncelovedyouissacredtome。
SHE[suspiciously]Doesn’thelovemestill？Hashetoldyouanything？
HE。No，no。[Hetakeshertenderlyinhisarms]。Dearest，dearest:howagitatedyouare！howunlikeyourself！Alltheseworriesbelongtothelowerplane。Comeupwithmetothehigherone。Theheights，thesolitudes，thesoulworld！
SHE[avoidinghisgaze]No:stop:it’snouse，MrApjohn。
HE[recoiling]MrApjohn！！！
SHE。Excuseme:ImeantHenry，ofcourse。
HE。HowcouldyoueventhinkofmeasMrApjohn？IneverthinkofyouasMrsBompas:itisalwaysCand——ImeanAurora，Aurora，Auro——
SHE。Yes，yes:that’sallverywell，MrApjohn[Heisabouttointerruptagain:butshewon’thaveit]no:it’snouse:I’vesuddenlybeguntothinkofyouasMrApjohn；andit’sridiculoustogooncallingyouHenry。Ithoughtyouwereonlyaboy，achild，adreamer。Ithoughtyouwouldbetoomuchafraidtodoanything。AndnowyouwanttobeatTeddyandtobreakupmyhomeanddisgracemeandmakeahorriblescandalinthepapers。It’scruel，unmanly，cowardly。
HE[withgravewonder]Areyouafraid？
SHE。Oh，ofcourseI’mafraid。Sowouldyoubeifyou+7+*—4+94+648+—+—
15+hadanycommonsense。[Shegoestothehearth，turningherbacktohim，andputsonetappingfootonthefender]。
HE[watchingherwithgreatgravity]Perfectlovecastethoutfear。ThatiswhyIamnotafraid。MrsBompas:youdonotloveme。
SHE[turningtohimwithagaspofrelief]Oh，thankyou，thankyou！Youreallycanbeverynice，Henry。
HE。Whydoyouthankme？
SHE[comingprettilytohimfromthefireplace]ForcallingmeMrsBompasagain。Ifeelnowthatyouaregoingtobereasonableandbehavelikeagentleman。[Hedropsonthestool；covershisfacewithhishand；andgroans]。What’sthematter？
HE。OnceortwiceinmylifeIhavedreamedthatIwasexquisitelyhappyandblessed。Butoh！themisgivingatthefirststirofconsciousness！thestabofreality！theprisonwallsofthebedroom！thebitter，bitterdisappointmentofwaking！Andthistime！oh，thistimeIthoughtIwasawake。
SHE。Listentome，Henry:wereallyhaven’ttimeforallthatsortofflapdoodlenow。[Hestartstohisfeetasifshehadpulledatriggerandstraightenedhimbythereleaseofapowerfulspring，andgoespastherwithsetteethtothelittletable]。Oh，takecare:younearlyhitmeinthechinwiththetopofyourhead。
HE[withfiercepoliteness]Ibegyourpardon。Whatisityouwantmetodo？Iamatyourservice。Iamreadytobehavelikeagentlemanifyouwillbekindenoughtoexplainexactlyhow。
SHE[alittlefrightened]Thankyou，Henry:Iwassureyouwould。
You’renotangrywithme，areyou？
HE。Goon。Goonquickly。Givemesomethingtothinkabout，orI
will——Iwill——[hesuddenlysnatchesuphe+*/+—+94rfananditabouttobreakitinhisclenchedfists]。
SHE[runningforwardandcatchingatthefan，withloudlamentation]Don’tbreakmyfan——no，don’t。[Heslowlyrelaxeshisgripofitasshedrawsitanxiouslyoutofhishands]。
No，really，that’sastupidtrick。Idon’tlikethat。You’venorighttodothat。[Sheopensthefan，andfindsthatthesticksaredisconnected]。Oh，howcouldyoubesoinconsiderate？
HE。Ibegyourpardon。Iwillbuyyouanewone。
SHE[querulously]Youwillneverbeabletomatchit。Anditwasaparticularfavoriteofmine。
HE[shortly]Thenyouwillhavetodowithoutit:that’sall。
SHE。That’snotaverynicethingtosayafterbreakingmypetfan，Ithink。
HE。IfyouknewhownearIwastobreakingTeddy’spetwifeandpresentinghimwiththepieces，youwouldbethankfulthatyouarealiveinsteadof——of——ofhowlingaboutfiveshillingsworthofivory。Damnyourfan！
SHE。Oh！Don’tyoudareswearinmypresence。Onewouldthinkyouweremyhusband。
HE[againcollapsingonthestool]Thisissomehorribledream。
Whathasbecomeofyou？YouarenotmyAurora。
SHE。Oh，well，ifyoucometothat，whathasbecomeofyou？DoyouthinkIwouldeverhaveencouragedyouifIhadknownyouweresuchalittledevil？
HE。Don’tdragmedown——don’t——don’t。Helpmetofindthewaybacktotheheights。
SHE[kneelingbesidehimandpleading]Ifyouwouldonlybereasonable，Henry。IfyouwouldonlyrememberthatIamonthebrinkofruin，andnotgooncalmlysayingit’sallquitesimple。
HE。Itseemssotome。
SHE[jumpingupdistractedly]IfyousaythatagainIshalldosomethingI’llbesorryfor。Hereweare，standingontheedgeofafrightfulprecipice。Nodoubtit’squitesimpletogooverandhavedonewithit。Butcan’tyousuggesta+—7+—4nythingmoreagreeable？
HE。Icansuggestnothingnow。Achillblackdarknesshasfallen:Icanseenothingbuttheruinsofourdream。[Heriseswithadeepsigh]。
SHE。Can’tyou？Well，Ican。IcanseeGeorginarubbingthosepoemsintoTeddy。[Facinghimdeterminedly]AndItellyou，HenryApjohn，thatyougotmeintothismess；andyoumustgetmeoutofitagain。
HE[politeandhopeless]AllIcansayisthatIamentirelyatyourservice。Whatdoyouwishmetodo？
SHE。DoyouknowanybodyelsenamedAurora？
HE。No。
SHE。There’snouseinsayingNointhatfrozenpigheadedway。
YoumustknowsomeAuroraorothersomewhere。
HE。YousaidyouweretheonlyAuroraintheworld。And[liftinghisclaspedfistswithasuddenreturnofhisemotion]ohGod！
youweretheonlyAuroraintheworldtome。[Heturnsawayfromher，hidinghisface]。
SHE[pettinghim]Yes，yes，dear:ofcourse。It’sveryniceofyou；andIappreciateit:indeedIdo；butit’snotreasonablejustatpresent。Nowjustlistentome。Isupposeyouknowallthosepoemsbyheart。
HE。Yes，byheart。[Raisinghisheadandlookingather，withasuddensuspicion]Don’tyou？
SHE。Well，Inevercanrememberverses；andbesides，I’vebeensobusythatI’venothadtimetoreadthemall；thoughIintendtotheveryfirstmomentIcanget:Ipromiseyouthatmostfaithfully，Henry。Butnowtryandrememberveryparticularly。
DoesthenameofBompasoccurinanyofthepoems？
HE[indignantly]No。
SHE。You’requitesure？
HE。OfcourseIamquitesure。HowcouldIusesuchanameinapoem？
SHE。Well，Idon’tseewhynot。Itrhymestorumpus，whichseemsappropriateenoughatpresent，goodnessknows！However，you’reapoet，andyououghttoknow。
HE。Whatdoesitmatter——now？
SHE。Itmattersalot，Icantellyou。Ifthere’snothingaboutBompasinthepoems，wecansaythattheywerewrittentosomeotherAurora，andthatyoushowedthemtomebecausemynamewasAuroratoo。Soyou’vegottoinventanotherAurorafortheoccasion。
HE[verycoldly]Oh，ifyouwishmetotellalie——
SHE。Surely，asamanofhonor——asagentleman，youwouldn’ttellthetruth，wouldyou？
HE。Verywell。Youhavebrokenmyspiritanddesecratedmydreams。Iwilllieandprotestandstandonmyhonor:oh，Iwillplaythegentleman，neverfear。
SHE。Yes，putitallonme，ofcourse。Don’tbemean，Henry。
HE[rousinghimselfwithaneffort]Youarequiteright，MrsBompas:Ibegyourpardon。Youmustexcusemytemper。Ihavegotgrowingpains，Ithink。
SHE。Growingpains！
HE。Theprocessofgrowingfromromanticboyhoodintocynicalmaturityusuallytakesfifteenyears。Whenitiscompressedintofifteenminutes，thepaceistoofast；andgrowingpainsaretheresult。
SHE。Oh，isthisatimeforcleverness？It’ssettled，isn’tit，thatyou’regoingtobeniceandgood，andthatyou’llbrazenitouttoTeddythatyouhavesomeotherAurora？
HE。Yes:I’mcapableofanythingnow。Ishouldnothavetoldhimthetruthbyhalves；andnowIwillnotliebyhalves。I’llwallowinthehonorofagentleman。
SHE。Dearestboy，Iknewyouwould。I——Sh！[sherushestothedoor，andholdsitajar，listeningbreathlessly]。
HE。Whatisit？
SHE[whitewithapprehension]It’sTeddy:Ihearhimtappingthenewbarometer。Hecan’thaveanythingseriousonhismindorhewouldn’tdothat。PerhapsGeorginahasn’tsaidanything。[Shestealsbacktothehearth]。Tryand+—*+—65+—++9lookasiftherewasnothingthematter。Givememygloves，quick。[Hehandsthemtoher。Shepullsononehastilyandbeginsbuttoningitwithostentatiousunconcern]。Gofurtherawayfromme，quick。[Hewalksdoggedlyawayfromheruntilthepianopreventshisgoingfarther]。IfI
buttonmyglove，andyouweretohumatune，don’tyouthinkthat——
HE。Thetableauwouldbecompleteinitsguiltiness。ForHeaven’ssake，MrsBompas，letthatglovealone:youlooklikeapickpocket。
Herhusbandcomesin:arobust，thicknecked，wellgroomedcityman，withastrongchinbutablitheringeyeandcredulousmouth。
Hehasamomentousair，butshowsnosignofdispleasure:ratherthecontrary。
HERHUSBAND。Hallo！Ithoughtyoutwowereatthetheatre。
SHE。Ifeltanxiousaboutyou，Teddy。Whydidn’tyoucomehometodinner？
HERHUSBAND。IgotamessagefromGeorgina。Shewantedmetogotoher。
SHE。PoordearGeorgina！I’msorryIhaven’tbeenabletocallonherthislastweek。Ihopethere’snothingthematterwithher。
HERHUSBAND。Nothing，exceptanxietyformywelfareandyours。
[Shestealsaterr+—+984++—l+—+949ifiedlookatHenry]。By，theway，Apjohn，I
shouldlikeawordwithyouthisevening，ifAuroracanspareyouforamoment。
HE[formally]Iamatyourservice。
HERHUSBAND。Nohurry。Afterthetheatrewilldo。
HE。Wehavedecidednottogo。
HERHUSBAND。Indeed！Well，then，shallweadjourntomysnuggery？
SHE。Youneedn’tmove。IshallgoandlockupmydiamondssinceI’mnotgoingtothetheatre。Givememythings。
HERHUSBAND[ashehandsherthecloudandthemirror]Well，weshallhavemoreroomhere。
HE[lookingabouthimandshakinghisshouldersloose]IthinkI
shouldpreferplentyofroom。
HERHUSBAND。So，ifit’snotdisturbingyou，Rory——？
SHE。Notatall。[Shegoesout]。
Whenthetwomenarealonetogether，Bompasdeliberatelytakesthepoemsfromhisbreastpocket；looksatthemreflectively；
thenlooksatHenry，mutelyinvitinghisattention。Henryrefusestounderstand，doinghisbesttolookunconcerned。
HERHUSBAND。Dothesemanuscriptsseematallfamiliartoyou，mayIask？
HE。Manuscripts？
HERHUSBAND。Yes。Wouldyouliketolookatthemalittlecloser？
[HeproffersthemunderHenry’snose]。
HE[aswithasuddenilluminationofgladsurprise]Why，thesearemypoems。
HERHUSBAND。SoIgather。
HE。Whatashame！MrsBompashasshownthemtoyou！Youmustthinkmeanutterass。IwrotethemyearsagoafterreadingSwinburne’sSongsBeforeSunrise。NothingwoulddomethenbutI
mustreeloffasetofSongstotheSunrise。Aurora，youknow:
therosyfingeredAurora。They’reallaboutAurora。WhenMrsBompastoldmehernamewasAurora，Icouldn’tresistthetemptationtolendthemtohertoread。ButIdidn’tbargainforyourunsympatheticeyes。
HERHUSBAND[grinning]Apjohn:that’sreallyveryreadyofyou。
Youarecutoutforliterature；andthedaywillcomewhenRoryandIwillbeproudtohaveyouaboutthehouse。Ihaveheardfarthinnerstoriesfrommucholdermen。
HE[withanairofgreatsurprise]Doyoumeantoimplythatyoudon’tbelieveme？
HERHUSBAND。Doyouexpectmetobelieveyou？
HE。Whynot？Idon’tunderstand。
HERHUSBAND。Come！Don’tunderrateyourowncleverness，Apjohn。I
thinkyouunderstandprettywell。
HE。IassureyouIamquiteataloss。Canyounotbealittlemoreexplicit？
HER——+—
+—HUSBAND。Don’toverdoit，oldchap。However，Iwilljustbesofarexplicitastosaythatifyouthinkthesepoemsreadasiftheywereaddressed，nottoalivewoman，buttoashiveringcoldtimeofdayatwhichyouwereneveroutofbedinyourlife，youhardlydojusticetoyourownliterarypowers——whichIadmireandappreciate，mindyou，asmuchasanyman。Come！ownup。Youwrotethosepoemstomywife。[AninternalstrugglepreventsHenryfromanswering]。Ofcourseyoudid。[Hethrowsthepoemsonthetable；andgoestothehearthrug，whereheplantshimselfsolidly，chucklingalittleandwaitingforthenextmove]。
HE[formallyandcarefully]MrBompas:Ipledgeyoumywordyouaremistaken。IneednottellyouthatMrsBompasisaladyofstainlesshonor，whohasnevercastanunworthythoughtonme。
Thefactthatshehasshownyoumypoems——
HERHUSBAND。That’snotafact。Icamebythemwithoutherknowledge。Shedidn’tshowthemtome。
HE。Doesnotthatprovetheirperfectinnocence？Shewouldhaveshownthemtoyouatonceifshehadtakenyourquiteunfoundedviewofthem。
HERHUSBAND[shaken]Apjohn:+—*78—7————————————89+playfair。Don’tabuseyourintellectualgifts。DoyoureallymeanthatIammakingafoolofmyself？
HE[earnestly]Believeme，youare。Iassureyou，onmyhonorasagentleman，thatIhaveneverhadtheslightestfeelingforMrsBompasbeyondtheordinaryesteemandregardofapleasantacquaintance。
HERHUSBAND[shortly，showingillhumorforthefirsttime]Oh，indeed。[HeleaveshishearthandbeginstoapproachHenryslowly，lookinghimupanddownwithgrowingresentment]。
HE[hasteningtoimprovetheimpressionmadebyhismendacity]I
shouldneverhavedreamtofwritingpoemstoher。Thethingisabsurd。
HERHUSBAND[reddeningominously]Whyisitabsurd？
HE[shrugginghisshoulders]Well，ithappensthatIdonotadmireMrsBompas——inthatway。
HERHUSBAND[breakingoutinHenry’sface]LetmetellyouthatMrsBompashasbeenadmiredbybettermenthanyou，yousoapyheadedlittlepuppy，you。
HE[muchtakenaback]Thereisnoneedtoinsultmelikethis。I
assureyou，onmyhonorasa——
HERHUSBAND[tooangrytotolerateareply，andboringHenrymoreandmoretowardsthepiano]Youdon’tadmireMrsBompas！YouwouldneverdreamofwritingpoemstoMrsBompas！Mywife’snotgoodenoughforyou，isn’tshe。[Fiercely]Whoareyou，pray，thatyoushouldbesojollysuperior？
HE。MrBompas:Icanmakeallowancesforyourjealousy——
HERHUSBAND。Jealousy！doyousupposeI’mjealousofYOU？No，noroftenlikeyou。ButifyouthinkI’llstandhereandletyouinsultmywifeinherownhouse，you’remistaken。
HE[veryuncomfortablewithhisbackagainstthepianoandTeddystandingoverhimthreateningly]HowcanIconvinceyou？Bereasonable。ItellyoumyrelationswithMrsBompasarerelationsofperfectcoldness——ofindifference——
HERHUSBAND[scornfully]Sayitagain:sayitagain。You’reproudofit，aren’tyou？Yah！You’renotworthkicking。
Henrysuddenlyexecutesthefeatknowntopugilistsasdipping，andchangessideswithTeddy，whoitnowbetweenHenryandthepiano。
HE。Lookhere:I’mnotgoingtostandthis。
HERHUSBAND。Oh，youhavesomebloodinyourbodyafterall！Goodjob！
HE。Thisisridiculous。IassureyouMrs。Bompasisquite——
HERHUSBAND。WhatisMrsBompastoyou，I’dliketoknow。I’lltellyouwhatMrsBompasis。She’sthesmartestwomaninthesmartestsetinSouthKensington，andthehandsomest，andthecleverest，andthemostfetchingtoexperiencedmenwhoknowagoodthingwhentheyseeit，whatevershemaybetoconceitedpenny—a—liningpuppieswhothinknothinggoodenoughforthem。
It’sadmittedbythebestpeople；andnottoknowitarguesyourselfunknown。Threeofourfirstactor—managershaveofferedherahundredaweekifshe’dgoonthestagewhentheystarta+—*—repertorytheatre；andIthinktheykno+—whatthey’reaboutaswellasyou。TheonlymemberofthepresentCabinetthatyoumightcallahandsomemanhasneglectedthebusinessofthecountrytodancewithher，thoughhedon’tbelongtooursetasaregularthing。OneofthefirstprofessionalpoetsinBedfordParkwroteasonnettoher，worthallyouramateurtrash。AtAscotlastseasontheeldestsonofadukeexcusedhimselffromcallingonmeonthegroundthathisfeelingsforMrsBompaswerenotconsistentwithhisdutytomeashost；anditdidhimhonorandmetoo。But[withgatheringfury]sheisn’tgoodenoughforyou，itseems。Youregardherwithcoldness，withindifference；
andyouhavethecoolcheektotellmesotomyface。FortwopinsI’dflattenyournoseintoteachyoumanners。Introducingafinewomantoyouiscastingpearlsbeforeswine[yellingathim]
beforeSWINE！d’yehear？
HE[withadeplorablelackofpolish]YoucallmeaswineagainandI’lllandyouoneonthechinthat’llmakeyourheadsingforaweek。
HERHUSBAND[exploding]What——！
HechargesatHenrywithbull—likefury。Henryplaceshimselfonguardinthemannerofawelltaughtboxer，andgetsawaysmartly，butunfortunatelyforgetsthestoolwhichisjustbehindhim。Hefallsbackwardsoverit，unintentionallypushingitagainsttheshinsofBompas，whofallsforwardoverit。MrsBompas，withascream，rushesintotheroombetweenthesprawlingchampions，andsitsdownonthefloorinordertogetherrightarmroundherhusband’sneck。
SHE。Youshan’t，Teddy:youshan’t。Youwillbekilled:heisaprizefighter。
HERHUSBAND[vengefully]I’llprizefighthim。[Hestrugglesvainlytofreehimselffromherembrace]。
SHE。Henry:don’tlethimfightyou。Promisemethatyouwon’t。
HE[ruefully]Ihavegotamostfrightfulbumponthebackofmyhead。[Hetriestorise]。
SHE[reachingoutherlefthandtoseizehiscoattail，andpullinghimdownagain，whilstkeepingfastholdofTeddywiththeotherhand]Notuntilyouhavepromised:notuntilyoubothhavepromised。[Teddytriestorise:shepullshimbackagain]。
Teddy:youpromise，don’tyou？Yes，yes。Begood:youpromise。
HERHUSBAND。Iwon’t，unlesshetakesitback。
SHE。Hewill:hedoes。Youtakeitback，Henry？——yes。
HE[savagely]Yes。Itakeitback。[Sheletsgohiscoat。Hegetsup。SodoesTeddy]。Itakeitallback，all，withoutreserve。
SHE[onthecarpet]Isnobodygoingtohelpmeup？[Theyeachtakeahandandpullherup]。Nowwon’tyoushakehandsandbegood？
HE[recklessly]Ishalldonothingofthesort。Ihavesteepedmyselfinliesforyoursake；andtheonlyrewardIgetisalumponthebackofmyheadthesizeofanapple。NowIwillgobacktothestraightpath。
SHE。Henry:forHeaven’ssake——
HE。It’snouse。Yourhusbandisafoolandabrute——
HERHUSBAND。What’sthatyousay？
HE。Isayyouareafoolandabrute；andifyou’llstepoutsidewithmeI’llsayitagain。[Teddybeginstotakeoffhiscoatforcombat]。Thosepoemswerewrittentoyourwife，everywordofthem，andtonobodyelse。[ThescowlclearsawayfromBompas’scountenance。Radiant，hereplaceshiscoat]。IwrotethembecauseIlovedher。Ithoughtherthemostbeautifulwomanintheworld；
andItoldhersooverandoveragain。Iadoredher:doyouhear？
Itoldherthatyouwereasordidcommercialchump，utterlyunworthyofher；andsoyouare。
HERHUSBAND[sogratified，hecanhardlybelievehisears]Youdon’tmeanit！
HE。Yes，Idomeanit，andalotmoretoo。IaskedMrsBompastowalkoutofthehousewithme——toleaveyou——togetdivorcedfromyouandmarryme。Ibeggedandimploredhertodoitthisverynight。Itwasherrefusalthatendedeverythingbetweenus。
[Lookingverydisparaginglyathim]Whatshecanseeinyou，goodnessonlyknows！
HERHUSBAND[beamingwithremorse]Mydearchap，whydidn’tyousaysobefore？Iapologize。Come！Don’tbearmalice:shakehands。
Makehimshakehands，Rory。
SHE。Formysake，Henry。Afterall，he’smyhusband。Forgivehim。
Takehishand。[Henry，dazed，letshertakehishandandplaceitinTeddy’s]。
HERHUSBAND[shakingitheartily]You’vegottoownthatnoneofyourliteraryheroinescantouchmyRory。[Heturnstoherandclapsherwithfondprideontheshoulder]。Eh，Rory？Theycan’tresistyou:noneofem。Neverknewamanyetthatcouldholdoutthreedays。
SHE。Don’tbefoolish，Teddy。Ihopeyouwerenotreallyhurt，Henry。[Shefeelsthebackofhishead。Heflinches]。Oh，poorboy，whatabump！Imustgetsomevinegarandbrownpaper。[Shegoestothebellandrings]。
HERHUSBAND。Willyoudomeagreatfavor，Apjohn。Ihardlyliketoask；butitwouldbearealkindnesstousboth。
HE。WhatcanIdo？
HERHUSBAND[takingupthepoems]Well，mayIgettheseprinted？
Itshallbedoneinthebeststyle。Thefinestpaper，sumptuousbinding，everythingfirstclass。They’rebeautifulpoems。I
shouldliketoshowthemaboutabit。
SHE[runningbackfromthebell，delightedwiththeidea，andcomingbetweenthem]OhHenry，ifyouwouldn’tmind！
HE。Oh，Idon’tmind。Iampastmindinganything。Ihavegrowntoofastthisevening。
SHE。Howoldareyou，Henry？
HE。ThismorningIwaseighteen。NowIam——confoundit！I’mquotingthatbeastofaplay[hetakestheCandidaticketsoutofhispocketandtearsthemupviciously]。
HERHUSBAND。Whatshallwecallthevolume？ToAurora，orsomethinglikethat，eh？
HE。IshouldcallitHowHeLiedtoHerHusband。