byGeorgeBernardShawARECRUITINGPAMPHLET
Itmaysurprisesomepeopletolearnthatin1915thislittleplaywasarecruitingposterindisguise。TheBritishofficerseldomlikesIrishsoldiers；buthealwaystriestohaveacertainproportionoftheminhisbattalion，because，partlyfromawantofcommonsensewhichleadsthemtovaluetheirliveslessthanEnglishmendo（livesarereallylessworthlivinginapoorcountry），andpartlybecauseeventhemostcowardlyIrishmanfeelsobligedtooutdoanEnglishmaninbraveryifpossible，andatleasttosetaperilouspaceforhim，Irishsoldiersgiveimpetustothosemilitaryoperationswhichrequirefortheirspiritedexecutionmoredevilmentthanprudence。
Unfortunately，Irishrecruitingwasbadlybungledin1915。TheIrishwereforthemostpartRomanCatholicsandloyalIrishmen，whichmeansthatfromtheEnglishpointofviewtheywerehereticsandrebels。ButtheywerewillingenoughtogosoldieringonthesideofFranceandseetheworldoutsideIreland，whichisadullplacetolivein。Itwasquiteeasytoenlistthembyapproachingthemfromtheirownpointofview。ButtheWarOfficeinsistedonapproachingthemfromthepointofviewofDublinCastle。TheywerediscouragedandrepulsedbyrefusalstogivecommissionstoRomanCatholicofficers，ortoallowdistinctIrishunitstobeformed。Toattractthem，thewallswerecoveredwithplacardsheadedREMEMBERBELGIUM。ThefollyofaskinganIrishmantorememberanythingwhenyouwanthimtofightforEnglandwasapparenttoeveryoneoutsidetheCastle:FORGETANDFORGIVEwouldhavebeenmoretothepoint。
RememberingBelgiumanditsbrokentreatyledIrishmentorememberLimerickanditsbrokentreaty；andtherecruitingendedinarebellion，insuppressingwhichtheBritishartilleryquiteunnecessarilyreducedthecentreofDublintoruins，andtheBritishcommanderskilledtheirleadingprisonersofwarincoldbloodmorningaftermorningwithaneffectoflong—drawn—outferocity。ReallyitwasonlytheusualchildishpetulanceinwhichJohnBulldoesthingsinaweekthatdisgracehimforacentury，thoughhesoonrecovershisgoodhumor，andcannotunderstandwhythesurvivorsofhiswrathdonotfeelasjollywithhimashedoeswiththem。OnthesmoulderingruinsofDublintheappealstorememberLouvainwerepresentlysupplementedbyafreshappeal。IRISHMEN，DOYOUWISHTOHAVETHEHORRORSOFWAR
BROUGHTTOYOUROWNHEARTHSANDHOMES？Dublinlaughedsourly。
AsformeIaddressedmyselfquitesimplytothebusinessofobtainingrecruits。IknewbypersonalexperienceandobservationwhatanyonemighthaveinferredfromtherecordsofIrishemigration，thatallanIrishman’shopesandambitionsturnonhisopportunitiesofgettingoutofIreland。Stimulatehisloyalty，andhewillstayinIrelandanddieforher；for，incomprehensibleasitseemstoanEnglishman，IrishpatriotismdoesnottaketheformofdevotiontoEnglandandEngland’sking。
Appealtohisdiscontent，hisdeadlyboredom，histhwartedcuriosityanddesireforchangeandadventure，and，toescapefromIreland，hewillgoabroadtoriskhislifeforFrance，forthePapalStates，forsecessioninAmerica，andeven，ifnobettermaybe，forEngland。KnowingthattheignoranceandinsularityoftheIrishmanisadangertohimselfandtohisneighbors，IhadnoscrupleinmakingthatappealwhentherewassomethingforhimtofightwhichthewholeworldhadtofightunlessitmeanttocomeunderthejackbootoftheGermanversionofDublinCastle。
Therewasanotherconsideration，unmentionablebytherecruitingsergeantsandwarorators，whichmustneverthelesshavehelpedthempowerfullyinprocuringsoldiersbyvoluntaryenlistment。
Thehappyhomeoftheidealistmaybecomecommonundermillennialconditions。Itisnotcommonatpresent。Noonewilleverknowhowmanymenjoinedthearmyin1914and1915toescapefromtyrantsandtaskmasters，termagantsandshrews，noneofwhomareanythelessirksomewhentheyhappenbyill—lucktobealsoourfathers，ourmothers，ourwivesandourchildren。Evenattheiramiablest，aholidayfromthemmaybeatemptingchangeforallparties。ThatiswhyIdidnotendowO’FlahertyV。C。withanidealIrishcolleenforhissweetheart，andgavehimforhismotheraVolumniaofthepotatopatchratherthanaaffectionateparentfromwhomhecouldnotsoeasilyhavetornhimselfaway。
Ineedhardlysaythataplaythuscarefullyadaptedtoitspurposewasvotedutterlyinadmissible；andinduecoursetheBritishGovernment，frightenedoutofitswitsforthemomentbytheroutoftheFifthArmy，ordainedIrishConscription，andthendidnotdaretogothroughwithit。Istillthinkmyownlinewasthemorebusinesslike。Butduringthewareveryoneexceptthesoldiersatthefrontimaginedthatnothingbutanextremeassertionofourmostpassionateprejudices，withoutthesmallestregardtotheireffectonothers，couldwinthewar。FinallytheBritishblockadewonthewar；butthewonderisthattheBritishblockheaddidnotloseit。Isupposetheenemywasnowiser。Warisnotasharpenerofwits；andIamafraidIgavegreatoffencebykeepingmyheadinthismatterofIrishrecruiting。WhatcanI
dobutapologize，andpublishtheplaynowthatitcannolongerdoanygood？
O’FLAHERTYV。C。
AtthedoorofanIrishcountryhouseinapark。Fine，summerweather；thesummerof1916。Theporch，paintedwhite，projectsintothedrive:butthedoorisatthesideandthefronthasawindow。Theporchfaceseast:andthedoorisinthenorthsideofit。Onthesouthsideisatreeinwhichathrushissinging。
Underthewindowisagardenseatwithanironchairateachendofit。
ThelastfourbarsofGodSavetheKingareheardinthedistance，followedbythreecheers。ThenthebandstrikesupIt’saLongWaytoTipperaryandrecedesuntilitisoutofhearing。
PrivateO’FlahertyV。C。comeswearilysouthwardalongthedrive，andfallsexhaustedintothegardenseat。Thethrushuttersanoteofalarmandfliesaway。Thetrampofahorseisheard。
AGENTLEMAN’SVOICE。Tim！Hi！Tim！[Heishearddismounting。]
ALABORER’SVOICE。Yes，yourhonor。
THEGENTLEMAN’SVOICE。Takethishorsetothestables，willyou？
ALABORER’SVOICE。Right，yourhonor。Yupthere。Gwannow。Gwan。
[Thehorseisledaway。]
GeneralSirPearceMadigan，anelderlybaronetinkhaki，beamingwithenthusiasm，arrives。O’Flahertyrisesandstandsatattention。
SIRPEARCE。No，no，O’Flaherty:noneofthatnow。You’reoffduty。RememberthatthoughIamageneraloffortyyearsservice，thatlittleCrossofyoursgivesyouahigherrankintherollofglorythanIcanpretendto。
O’FLAHERTY[relaxing]。I’mthankfultoyou，SirPearce；butI
wouldn’thaveanyonethinkthatthebaronetofmynativeplacewouldletacommonsoldierlikemesitdowninhispresencewithoutleave。
SIRPEARCE。Well，you’renotacommonsoldier，O’Flaherty:you’reaveryuncommonone；andI’mproudtohaveyouformyguestheretoday。
O’FLAHERTY。SureIknow，sir。Youhavetoputupwithalotfromthelikeofmeforthesakeoftherecruiting。Allthequalityshakeshandswithmeandsaysthey’reproudtoknowme，justthewaythekingsaidwhenhepinnedtheCrossonme。Andit’sastrueasI’mstandinghere，sir，thequeensaidtome:\"IhearyouwerebornontheestateofGeneralMadigan，\"shesays；\"andtheGeneralhimselftellsmeyouwerealwaysafineyoungfellow。\"
\"Bedad，Mam，\"Isaystoher，\"iftheGeneralknewalltherabbitsIsnaredonhim，andallthesalmonIsnatchedonhim，andallthecowsImilkedonhim，he’dthinkmethefinestornamentforthecountyjailheeversentthereforpoaching。\"
SIRPEARCE[Laughing]。You’rewelcometothemall，mylad。Come[hemakeshimsitdownagainonthegardenseat]！sitdownandenjoyyourholiday[hesitsdownononeoftheironchairs；theoneatthedoorlesssideoftheporch。]
O’FLAHERTY。Holiday，isit？I’dgivefiveshillingstobebackinthetrenchesforthesakeofalittlerestandquiet。IneverknewwhathardworkwastillItooktorecruiting。Whatwiththestandingonmylegsallday，andtheshakinghands，andthemakingspeeches，and——what’sworse——thelisteningtothemandthecallingforcheersforkingandcountry，andthesalutingtheflagtillI’mstiffwithit，andthelisteningtothemplayingGodSavetheKingandTipperary，andthetryingtomakemyeyeslookmoistlikeamaninapicturebook，I’mthatbetthatIhardlygetawinkofsleep。Igiveyoumyword，SirPearce，thatIneverheardthetuneofTipperaryinmylifetillIcamebackfromFlanders；andalreadyit’sdrovemetothatpitchoftirednessofitthatwhenapoorlittleinnocentslipofaboyinthestreettheothernightdrewhimselfupandsalutedandbeganwhistlingitatme，Icloutedhisheadforhim，Godforgiveme。
SIRPEARCE[soothingly]。Yes，yes:Iknow。Iknow。Onedoesgetfedupwithit:I’vebeendogtiredmyselfonparademanyatime。
Butstill，youknow，there’sagratifyingsidetoit，too。Afterall，heisourking；andit’sourowncountry，isn’tit？
O’FLAHERTY。Well，sir，toyouthathaveanestateinit，itwouldfeellikeyourcountry。ButthedivilaperchofiteverIowned。
Andastotheking:Godhelphim，mymotherwouldhavetakentheskinoffmybackifI’deverletontohaveanyotherkingthanParnell。
SIRPEARCE[rising，painfullyshocked]。Yourmother！Whatareyoudreamingabout，O’Flaherty？Amostloyalwoman。Alwaysmostloyal。WheneverthereisanillnessintheRoyalFamily，sheasksmeeverytimewemeetaboutthehealthofthepatientasanxiouslyasifitwereyourself，heronlyson。
O’FLAHERTY。Well，she’smymother；andIwon’tutterawordagenher。ButI’mnotsayingawordofliewhenItellyouthatthatoldwomanisthebiggestkanattfromheretothecrossofMonasterboice。Sureshe’sthewildestFenianandrebel，andalwayshasbeen，thatevertaughtapoorinnocentladlikemyselftopraynightandmorningtoStPatricktocleartheEnglishoutofIrelandthesameasheclearedthesnakes。You’llbesurprisedatmytellingyouthatnow，maybe，SirPearce？
SIRPEARCE[unabletokeepstill，walkingawayfromO’Flaherty]。
Surprised！I’mmorethansurprised，O’Flaherty。I’moverwhelmed。
[Turningandfacinghim。]Areyou——areyoujoking？
O’FLAHERTY。Ifyou’dbeenbroughtupbymymother，sir，you’dknowbetterthantojokeabouther。WhatI’mtellingyouisthetruth；andIwouldn’ttellittoyouifIcouldseemywaytogetoutofthefixI’llbeinwhenmymothercomesherethisdaytoseeherboyinhisglory，andsheafterthinkingallthetimeitwasagainsttheEnglishIwasfighting。
SIRPEARCE。DoyoumeantosayyoutoldhersuchamonstrousfalsehoodasthatyouwerefightingintheGermanarmy？
O’FLAHERTY。Inevertoldheronewordthatwasn’tthetruthandnothingbutthetruth。ItoldherIwasgoingtofightfortheFrenchandfortheRussians；andsurewhoeverheardoftheFrenchortheRussiansdoinganythingtotheEnglishbutfightingthem？Thatwashowitwas，sir。AndsurethepoorwomankissedmeandwentaboutthehousesinginginheroldcrackyvoicethattheFrenchwasonthesea，andthey’dbeherewithoutdelay，andtheOrangewilldecay，saystheShanVanVocht。
SIRPEARCE[sittingdownagain，exhaustedbyhisfeelings]。Well，Inevercouldhavebelievedthis。Never。Whatdoyousupposewillhappenwhenshefindsout？
O’FLAHERTY。Shemustn’tfindout。It’snotthatshe’dhalfkillme，asbigasIamandasbraveasIam。It’sthatI’mfondofher，andcan’tbringmyselftobreaktheheartinher。Youmaythinkitqueerthatamanshouldbefondofhismother，sir，andshehavingbethimfromthetimehecouldfeeltothetimeshewastooslowtoketchhim；butI’mfondofher；andI’mnotashamedofit。Besides，didn’tshewintheCrossforme？
SIRPEARCE。Yourmother！How？
O’FLAHERTY。Bybringingmeuptobemoreafraidofrunningawaythanoffighting。Iwastimidbynature；andwhentheotherboyshurtedme，I’dwanttorunawayandcry。ButshewhaledmefordisgracingthebloodoftheO’FlahertysuntilI’dhavefoughtthedivilhimselfsoonerthanfaceherafterfunkingafight。ThatwashowIgottoknowthatfightingwaseasierthanitlooked，andthattheotherswasasmuchafeardofmeasIwasofthem，andthatifIonlyheldoutlongenoughthey’dloseheartandgiverip。That’sthewayIcametobesocourageous。Itellyou，SirPearce，iftheGermanarmyhadbeenbroughtupbymymother，theKaiserwouldbedininginthebanquetinghallatBuckinghamPalacethisday，andKingGeorgepolishinghisjackbootsforhiminthescullery。
SIRPEARCE。ButIdon’tlikethis，O’Flaherty。Youcan’tgoondeceivingyourmother，youknow。It’snotright。
O’FLAHERTY。Can’tgoondeceivingher，can’tI？It’slittleyouknowwhatason’slovecando，sir。DidyouevernoticewhatareadyliarIam？
SIRPEARCE。Well，inrecruitingamangetscarriedaway。I
stretchitabitoccasionallymyself。Afterall，it’sforkingandcountry。Butifyouwon’tmindmysayingit，O’Flaherty，I
thinkthatstoryaboutyourfightingtheKaiserandthetwelvegiantsofthePrussianguardsinglehandedwouldbethebetterforalittletoningdown。Idon’taskyoutodropit，youknow；forit’spopular，undoubtedly；butstill，thetruthisthetruth。
Don’tyouthinkitwouldfetchinalmostasmanyrecruitsifyoureducedthenumberofguardsmentosix？
O’FLAHERTY。You’renotusedtotellinglieslikeIam，sir。Igotgreatpracticeathomewithmymother。WhatwithsavingmyskinwhenIwasyoungandthoughtless，andsparingherfeelingswhenI
wasoldenoughtounderstandthem，I’vehardlytoldmymotherthetruthtwiceayearsinceIwasborn；andwouldyouhavemeturnroundonherandtellitnow，whenshe’slookingtohavesomepeaceandquietinheroldage？
SIRPEARCE（troubledinhisconscience]。Well，it’snotmyaffair，ofcourse，O’Flaherty。Buthadn’tyoubettertalktoFatherQuinlanaboutit？
O’FLAHERTY。TalktoFatherQuinlan，isit！DoyouknowwhatFatherQuinlansaystomethisverymorning？
SIRPEARCE。Oh，you’veseenhimalready，haveyou？Whatdidhesay？
O’FLAHERTY。Hesays\"Youknow，don’tyou，\"hesays，\"thatit’syourduty，asaChristianandagoodsonoftheHolyChurch，toloveyourenemies？\"hesays。\"Iknowit’smyjutyasasoldiertokillthem，\"Isays。\"That’sright，Dinny，\"hesays:\"quiteright。
But，\"sayshe，\"youcankillthemanddothemagoodturnafterwardtoshowyourloveforthem\"hesays；\"andit’syourdutytohaveamasssaidforthesoulsofthehundredsofGermansyousayyoukilled，\"sayshe；\"formanyandmanyofthemwereBavariansandgoodCatholics，\"hesays。\"IsitmethatmustpayformassesforthesoulsoftheBoshes？\"Isays。\"LettheKingofEnglandpayforthem，\"Isays；\"foritwashisquarrelandnotmine。\"
SIRPEARCE[warmly]。Itisthequarrelofeveryhonestmanandtruepatriot，O’Flaherty。YourmothermustseethatasclearlyasIdo。Afterall，sheisareasonable，welldisposedwoman，quitecapableofunderstandingtherightandthewrongofthewar。Whycan’tyouexplaintoherwhatthewarisabout？
O’FLAHERTY。Arra，sir，howthedivildoIknowwhatthewarisabout？
SIRPEARCE（risingagainandstandingoverhim]。What！
O’Flaherty:doyouknowwhatyouaresaying？YousittherewearingtheVictoriaCrossforhavingkilledGodknowshowmanyGermans；andyoutellmeyoudon’tknowwhyyoudidit！
O’FLAHERTY。Askingyourpardon，SirPearce，Itellyounosuchthing。IknowquitewellwhyIkiltthem，becauseIwasafeardthat，ifIdidn’t，they’dkillme。
SIRPEARCE（givingitup，andsittingdownagain]。Yes，yes，ofcourse；buthaveyounoknowledgeofthecausesofthewar？oftheinterestsatstake？oftheimportance——Imayalmostsay——infactIwillsay——thesacredrightforwhichwearefighting？
Don’tyoureadthepapers？
O’FLAHERTY。IdowhenIcangetthem。There’snotmanynewsboyscryingtheeveningpaperinthetrenches。Theydosay，SirPearce，thatweshallneverbeattheBoshesuntilwemakeHoratioBottomleyLordLeftnantofEngland。Doyouthinkthat’strue，sir？
SIRPEARCE。Rubbish，man！there’snoLordLieutenantinEngland:
thekingisLordLieutenant。It’sasimplequestionofpatriotism。Doespatriotismmeannothingtoyou？
O’FLAHERTY。Itmeansdifferenttomethanwhatitwouldtoyou，sir。ItmeansEnglandandEngland’skingtoyou。Tomeandthelikeofme，itmeanstalkingabouttheEnglishjustthewaytheEnglishpaperstalkabouttheBoshes。AndwhatgoodhasiteverdonehereinIreland？It’skeptmeignorantbecauseitfilledupmymother’smind，andshethoughtitoughttofillupminetoo。
It’skeptIrelandpoor，becauseinsteadoftryingtobetterourselveswethoughtwewasthefinefellowsofpatriotswhenwewerespeakingevilofEnglishmenthatwasaspoorasourselvesandmaybeasgoodasourselves。TheBoshesIkiltwasmoreknowledgablementhanme；andwhatbetteramInowthatI’vekiltthem？Whatbetterisanybody？
SIRPEARCE[huffed，turningacoldshouldertohim]。Iamsorrytheterribleexperienceofthiswar——thegreatestwareverfought——hastaughtyounobetter，O’Flaherty。
O’FLAHERTY[preservinghisdignity]。Idon’tknowaboutit’sbeingagreatwar，sir。It’sabigwar；butthat’snotthesamething。FatherQuinlan’snewchurchisabigchurch:youmighttakethelittleoldchapeloutofthemiddleofitandnotmissit。Butmymothersaystherewasmoretruereligionintheoldchapel。Andthewarhastaughtmethatmaybeshewasright。
SIRPEARCE[gruntssulkily]！！
O’FLAHERTY[respectfullybutdoggedly]。Andthere’sanotherthingit’staughtmetoo，sir，thatconcernsyouandme，ifImaymakeboldtotellittoyou。
SIRPEARCE[stillsulky]。Ihopeit’snothingyououghtn’ttosaytome，O’Flaherty。
O’FLAHERTY。It’sthis，sir:thatI’mabletositherenowandtalktoyouwithouthumbuggingyou；andthat’swhatnotoneofyourtenantsoryourtenants’childereverdidtoyoubeforeinallyourlonglife。It’satruerespectI’mshowingyouatlast，sir。Maybeyou’dratherhavemehumbugyouandtellyouliesasI
used，justastheboyshere，Godhelpthem，wouldratherhavemetellthemhowIfoughttheKaiser，thatalltheworldknowsI
neversawinmylife，thantellthemthetruth。ButIcan’ttakeadvantageofyouthewayIused，notevenifIseemtobewantinginrespecttoyouandcockedupbywinningtheCross。
SIRPEARCE[touched]。Notatall，O’Flaherty。Notatall。
O’FLAHERTY。Surewhat’stheCrosstome，barringthelittlepensionitcarries？DoyouthinkIdon’tknowthatthere’shundredsofmenasbraveasmethatneverhadthelucktogetanythingfortheirbraverybutacursefromthesergeant，andtheblameforthefaultsofthemthatoughttohavebeentheirbetters？I’velearntmorethanyou’dthink，sir；forhowwouldagentlemanlikeyouknowwhatapoorignorantconceitedcreatureI
waswhenIwentfromhereintothewideworldasasoldier？Whatuseisallthelying，andpretending，andhumbugging，andlettingon，whenthedaycomestoyouthatyourcomradeiskilledinthetrenchbesideyou，andyoudon’tasmuchaslookroundathimuntilyoutripoverhispoorbody，andthenallyousayistoaskwhythehellthestretcher—bearersdon’ttakeitoutoftheway。
WhyshouldIreadthepaperstobehumbuggedandliedtobythemthathadthecunningtostayathomeandsendmetofightforthem？Don’ttalktomeortoanysoldierofthewarbeingright。
Nowarisright；andalltheholywaterthatFatherQuinlaneverblessedcouldn’tmakeoneright。There，sir！NowyouknowwhatO’FlahertyV。C。thinks；andyou’rewisersothantheothersthatonlyknowswhathedone。
SIRPEARCE[makingthebestofit，andturninggoodhumoredlytohimagain]。Well，whatyoudidwasbraveandmanly，anyhow。
O’FLAHERTY。Godknowswhetheritwasornot，betterthanyounorme，General。IhopeHewon’tbetoohardonmeforit，anyhow。
SIRPEARCE[sympathetically]。Ohyes:weallhavetothinkseriouslysometimes，especiallywhenwe’realittlerundown。I’mafraidwe’vebeenoverworkingyouabitovertheserecruitingmeetings。However，wecanknockofffortherestoftheday；andtomorrow’sSunday。I’vehadaboutasmuchasIcanstandmyself。
[Helooksathiswatch。]It’steatime。Iwonderwhat’skeepingyourmother。
O’FLAHERTY。It’snicelycockeduptheoldwomanwillbehavingteaatthesametableasyou，sir，insteadofinthekitchen。
She’llbeafterdressingintheheighthofgrandeur；andstopshewillateveryhouseonthewaytoshowherselfoffandtellthemwhereshe’sgoing，andfillthewholeparishwithspiteandenvy。
Butsure，sheshouldn’tkeepyouwaiting，sir。
SIRPEARCE。Oh，that’sallright:shemustbeindulgedonanoccasionlikethis。I’msorrymywifeisinLondon:she’dhavebeengladtowelcomeyourmother。
O’FLAHERTY。Sure，Iknowshewould，sir。Shewasalwaysakindfriendtothepoor。Littleherladyshipknew，Godhelpher，thedepthofdivilmentthatwasinus:wewerelikeaplaytoher。
Yousee，sir，shewasEnglish:thatwashowitwas。WewastoherwhatthePathansandSenegalesewastomewhenIfirstseenthem:
Icouldn’tthink，somehow，thattheywereliars，andthieves，andbackbiters，anddrunkards，justlikeourselvesoranyotherChristians。Oh，herladyshipneverknewallthatwasgoingonbehindherback:howwouldshe？WhenIwasaweeshychild，shegavemethefirstpennyIeverhadinmyhand；andIwantedtoprayforherconversionthatnightthesameasmymothermademeprayforyours；and——
SIRPEARCE[scandalized]。DoyoumeantosaythatyourmothermadeyouprayforMYconversion？
O’FLAHERTY。Sureandshewouldn’twanttoseeagentlemanlikeyougoingtohellaftershenursingyourownsonandbringingupmysisterAnnieonthebottle。Thatwashowitwas，sir。She’drobyou；andshe’dlietoyou；andshe’dcalldownalltheblessingsofGodonyourheadwhenshewassellingyouyourownthreegeesethatyouthoughthadbeenatebythefoxthedayafteryou’dfinishedfatteningthem，sir；andallthetimeyouwerelikeabitofherownfleshandbloodtoher。Oftenhasshesaidshe’dlivetoseeyouagoodCatholicyet，leadingvictoriousarmiesagainsttheEnglishandwearingthecollarofgoldthatMalachiwonfromtheproudinvader。Oh，she’stheromanticwomanismymother，andnomistake。
SIRPEARCE[ingreatperturbation]。Ireallycan’tbelievethis，O’Flaherty。Icouldhaveswornyourmotherwasashonestawomanaseverbreathed。
O’FLAHERTY。Andsosheis，sir。She’sashonestastheday。
SIRPEARCE。Doyoucallithonesttostealmygeese？
O’FLAHERTY。Shedidn’tstealthem，sir。Itwasmethatstolethem。
SIRPEARCE。Oh！Andwhythedevildidyoustealthem？
O’FLAHERTY。Sureweneededthem，sir。Oftenandoftenwehadtosellourowngeesetopayyoutherenttosatisfyyourneeds；andwhyshouldn’twesellyourgeesetosatisfyours？
SIRPEARCE。Well，damnme！
O’FLAHERTY[sweetly]。Sureyouhadtogetwhatyoucouldoutofus；andwehadtogetwhatwecouldoutofyou。Godforgiveusboth！
SIRPEARCE。Really，O’Flaherty，thewarseemstohaveupsetyoualittle。
O’FLAHERTY。It’ssetmethinking，sir；andI’mnotusedtoit。
It’slikethepatriotismoftheEnglish。Theyneverthoughtofbeingpatrioticuntilthewarbrokeout；andnowthepatriotismhastookthemsosuddenandcomesostrangetothemthattheyrunaboutlikefrightenedchickens，utteringallmannerofnonsense。
ButpleaseGodthey’llforgetallaboutitwhenthewar’sover。
They’regettingtiredofitalready。
SIRPEARCE。No，no:ithasupliftedusallinawonderfulway。
Theworldwillneverbethesameagain，O’Flaherty。Notafterawarlikethis。
O’FLAHERTY。Sotheyallsay，sir。Iseenogreatdiffermyself。
It’sallthefrightandtheexcitement；andwhenthatquietsdownthey’llgobacktotheirnaturaldivilmentandbethesameasever。It’slikethevermin:it’llwashoffafterawhile。
SIRPEARCE[risingandplantinghimselffirmlybehindthegardenseat]。Well，thelongandtheshortofitis，O’Flaherty，Imustdeclinetobeapartytoanyattempttodeceiveyourmother。I
thoroughlydisapproveofthisfeelingagainsttheEnglish，especiallyatamomentlikethepresent。Evenifyourmother’spoliticalsympathiesarereallywhatyourepresentthemtobe，I
shouldthinkthathergratitudetoGladstoneoughttocureherofsuchdisloyalprejudices。
O’FLAHERTY[overhisshoulder]。ShesaysGladstonewasanIrishman，Sir。WhatcallwouldhehavetomeddlewithIrelandashedidifhewasn’t？
SIRPEARCE。Whatnonsense！DoesshesupposeMrAsquithisanIrishman？
O’FLAHERTY。Shewon’tgivehimanycreditforHomeRule，Sir。ShesaysRedmondmadehimdoit。Shesaysyoutoldherso。
SIRPEARCE[convictedoutofhisownmouth]。Well，Inevermeanthertotakeitupinthatridiculousway。[HemovestotheendofthegardenseatonO’Flaherty’sleft。]I’llgiveheragoodtalkingtowhenshecomes。I’mnotgoingtostandanyofhernonsense。
O’FLAHERTY。It’snotabitofuse，sir。ShesaysalltheEnglishgeneralsisIrish。ShesaysalltheEnglishpoetsandgreatmenwasIrish。ShesaystheEnglishneverknewhowtoreadtheirownbooksuntilwetaughtthem。Shesayswe’rethelosttribesofthehouseofIsraelandthechosenpeopleofGod。ShesaysthatthegoddessVenus，thatwasbornoutofthefoamofthesea，cameupoutofthewaterinKillineyBayoffBrayHead。ShesaysthatMosesbuiltthesevenchurches，andthatLazaruswasburiedinGlasnevin。
SIRPEARCE。Bosh！Howdoessheknowhewas？Didyoueveraskher？
O’FLAHERTY。Idid，sir，often。
SIRPEARCE。Andwhatdidshesay？
O’FLAHERTY。SheaskedmehowdidIknowhewasn’t，andfetchedmeacloutonthesideofmyhead。
SIRPEARCE。ButhaveyounevermentionedanyfamousEnglishmantoher，andaskedherwhatshehadtosayabouthim？
O’FLAHERTY。TheonlyoneIcouldthinkofwasShakespeare，sir；
andshesayshewasborninCork。
SIRPEARCE[exhausted]。Well，Igiveitup[hethrowshimselfintothenearestchair]。Thewomanis——Oh，well！Nomatter。
O’FLAHERTY[sympathetically]。Yes，sir:she’spigheadedandobstinate:there’snodoubtaboutit。She’sliketheEnglish:
theythinkthere’snoonelikethemselves。It’sthesamewiththeGermans，thoughthey’reeducatedandoughttoknowbetter。You’llneverhaveaquietworldtillyouknockthepatriotismoutofthehumanrace。
SIRPEARCE。Still，we——
O’FLAHERTY。Whisht，sir，forGod’ssake:heresheis。
TheGeneraljumpsup。Mrs。O’Flahertyarrivesandcomesbetweenthetwomen。Sheisveryclean，andcarefullydressedintheoldfashionedpeasantcostume；blacksilksunbonnetwithatiaraoftrimmings，andblackcloak。
O’FLAHERTY[risingshyly]。Goodevening，mother。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[severely）。Youholdyourwhisht，andlearnbehaviorwhileIpaymyjutytohishonor。[ToSirPearce，heartily。]Andhowisyourhonor’sgoodself？Andhowisherladyshipandalltheyoungladies？Oh，it’srightgladwearetoseeyourhonorbackagainandlookingthepictureofhealth。
SIRPEARCE[forcinganoteofextremegeniality）。Thankyou，MrsO’Flaherty。Well，youseewe’vebroughtyoubackyoursonsafeandsound。Ihopeyou’reproudofhim。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。AndindeedandIam，yourhonor。It’sthebraveboyheis；andwhywouldn’thebe，broughtuponyourhonor’sestateandwithyoubeforehiseyesforapatternofthefinestsoldierinIreland。Comeandkissyouroldmother，Dinnydarlint。
[O’Flahertydoessosheepishly。）That’smyowndarlingboy。Andlookatyourfinenewuniformstainedalreadywiththeeggsyou’vebeeneatingandtheporteryou’vebeendrinking。[Shetakesoutherhandkerchief:spitsonit:andscrubshislapelwithit。]Oh，it’stheuntidyslovenlyoneyoualwayswere。
There！Itwon’tbeseenonthekhaki:it’snotliketheoldredcoatthatwouldshowupeverythingthatdribbleddownonit。[ToSirPearce。]AndtheytellmedownatthelodgethatherladyshipisstayinginLondon，andthatMissAgnesistobemarriedtoafineyoungnobleman。Oh，it’syourhonorthatistheluckyandhappyfather！Itwillbebadnewsformanyoftheyounggentlemenofthequalityroundhere，sir。There’slotsthoughtshewasgoingtomarryyoungMasterLawlessSIRPEARCE。What！That——that——thatbosthoon！
MRSO’FLAHERTY[hilariously]。Letyourhonoraloneforfindingtherightword！Abigbosthoonheisindeed，yourhonor。Oh，tothinkofthetimesandtimesIhavesaidthatMissAgneswouldbemyladyashermotherwasbeforeher！Didn’tI，Dinny？
SIRPEARCE。Andnow，Mrs。O’Flaherty，IdaresayyouhaveagreatdealtosaytoDennisthatdoesn’tconcernme。I’lljustgoinandordertea。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Oh，whywouldyourhonordisturbyourself？SureI
cantaketheboyintotheyard。
SIRPEARCE。Notatall。Itwon’tdisturbmeintheleast。Andhe’stoobigaboytobetakenintotheyardnow。Hehasmadeafrontseatforhimself。Eh？[Hegoesintothehouse。]
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Surehehasthat，yourhonor。Godblessyourhonor！[TheGeneralbeingnowoutofhearing，sheturnsthreateninglytohersonwithoneofthosesuddenIrishchangesofmannerwhichamazeandscandalizelessflexiblenations，andexclaims。）Andwhatdoyoumean，youlyingyoungscald，bytellingmeyouweregoingtofightagentheEnglish？Didyoutakemeforafoolthatcouldn’tfindout，andthepapersallfullofyoushakinghandswiththeEnglishkingatBuckinghamPalace？
O’FLAHERTY。Ididn’tshakehandswithhim:heshookhandswithme。CouldIturnonthemaninhisownhouse，beforehisownwife，withhismoneyinmypocketandinyours，andthrowhiscivilitybackinhisface？
MRSO’FLAHERTY。YouwouldtakethehandofatyrantredwiththebloodofIreland——
O’FLAHERTY。Arraholdyournonsense，mother:he’snothalfthetyrantyouare，Godhelphim。Hishandwascleanerthanminethathadthebloodofhisownrelationsonit，maybe。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[threateningly]。Isthatawaytospeaktoyourmother，youyoungspalpeen？
O’FLAHERTY[stoutly]。Itisso，ifyouwon’ttalksensetome。
It’sanicethingforapoorboytobemademuchofbykingsandqueens，andshookhandswithbytheheighthofhiscountry’snobilityinthecapitalcitiesoftheworld，andthentocomehomeandbescoldedandinsultedbyhisownmother。I’llfightforwhoIlike；andI’llshakehandswithwhatkingsIlike；andifyourownsonisnotgoodenoughforyou，youcangoandlookforanother。Doyoumindmenow？
MRSO’FLAHERTY。AndwasittheBelgianslearnedyousuchbrazenimpudence？
O’FLAHERTY。TheBelgiansisgoodmen；andtheFrenchoughttobemoreciviltothem，letalonetheirbeinghalfmurderedbytheBoshes。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Goodmenisit！Goodmen！tocomeoverherewhentheywerewoundedbecauseitwasaCatholiccountry，andthentogototheProtestantChurchbecauseitdidn’tcostthemanything，andsomeofthemtonevergonearachurchatall。That’swhatyoucallgoodmen！
O’FLAHERTY。Oh，you’rethemightyfinepolitician，aren’tyou？
MuchyouknowaboutBelgiansorforeignpartsortheworldyou’relivingin，Godhelpyou！
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Whywouldn’tIknowbetterthanyou？AmmentI
yourmother？
O’FLAHERTY。Andifyouareitself，howcanyouknowwhatyouneverseenaswellasmethatwasdugintothecontinentofEuropeforsixmonths，andwasburiedintheearthofitthreetimeswiththeshellsburstingonthetopofme？ItellyouI
knowwhatI’mabout。Ihavemyownreasonsfortakingpartinthisgreatconflict。I’dbeashamedtostayathomeandnotfightwheneverybodyelseisfighting。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Ifyouwantedtofight，whycouldn’tyoufightintheGermanarmy？
O’FLAHERTY。Becausetheyonlygetapennyaday。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Well，andiftheydoitself，isn’ttheretheFrencharmy？
O’FLAHERTY。Theyonlygetahapennyaday。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[muchdashed]。Ohmurder！Theymustbeameanlot，Dinny。
O’FLAHERTY[sarcastic]。Maybeyou’dhavemeintheTurkisharmy，andworshiptheheathenMahometthatputacorninhisearandpretendeditwasamessagefromtheheavenswhenthepigeoncometopickitoutandeatit。IwentwhereIcouldgetthebiggestallowanceforyou；andlittlethanksIgetforit！
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Allowance，isit！Doyouknowwhatthethievingblackguardsdidonme？Theycametomeandtheysays，\"Wasyoursonabigeater？\"theysays。\"Oh，hewasthat，\"saysI:\"tenshillingsaweekwouldn’tkeephim。\"SureIthoughtthemoreI
saidthemorethey’dgiveme。\"Then，\"saysthey，\"that’stenshillingsaweekoffyourallowance，\"theysays，\"becauseyousavethatbythekingfeedinghim。\"\"Indeed！\"saysI:\"IsupposeifI’dsixsons，you’dstopthreepoundaweekfromme，andmakeoutthatIoughttopayyoumoneyinsteadofyoupayingme。\"
\"There’safallacyinyourargument，\"theysays。
O’FLAHERTY。Awhat？
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Afallacy:that’sthewordhesaid。Isaystohim，\"It’saPhariseeI’mthinkingyoumean，sir；butyoucankeepyourdirtymoneythatyourkinggrudgesapooroldwidow；
andpleaseGodtheEnglishwillbebetyetforthedeadlysinofoppressingthepoor\"；andwiththatIshutthedoorinhisface。
O’FLAHERTY[furious]。Doyoutellmetheyknockedtenshillingsoffyouformykeep？
MRSO’FLAHERTY[soothinghim]。No，darlint:theyonlyknockedoffhalfacrown。IputupwithitbecauseI’vegottheoldagepension；andtheyknowverywellI’monlysixty—two；soI’vethebetterofthembyhalfacrownaweekanyhow。
O’FLAHERTY。It’saqueerwayofdoingbusiness。Ifthey’dtellyoustraightoutwhattheywasgoingtogiveyou，youwouldn’tmind；butiftherewastwentywaysoftellingthetruthandonlyonewayoftellingalie，theGovernmentwouldfinditout。It’sinthenatureofgovernmentstotelllies。
TeresaDriscoll，aparlormaid，comesfromthehouse，TERESA。You’retocomeuptothedrawing—roomtohaveyourtea，Mrs。O’Flaherty。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Mindyouhaveasupofgoodblackteaformeinthekitchenafterwards，acushla。Thatwashydrawing—roomteawillgivemethewindifIleaveitonmystomach。[Shegoesintothehouse，leavingthetwoyoungpeoplealonetogether。]
O’FLAHERTY。Isthatyourself，Tessie？Andhowareyou？
TERESA。Nicely，thankyou。Andhow’syourself？
O’FLAHERTY。Finely，thankGod。[Heproducesagoldchain。]LookwhatI’vebroughtyou，Tessie。
TERESA[shrinking]。SureIdon’tliketotouchit，Denny。Didyoutakeitoffadeadman？
O’FLAHERTY。No:Itookitoffaliveone；andthankfulhewastometobealiveandkeptaprisonerineaseandcomfort，andmeleftfightinginperilofmylife。
TERESA[takingit]。Doyouthinkit’srealgold，Denny？
O’FLAHERTY。It’srealGermangold，anyhow。
TERESA。ButGermansilverisn’treal，Denny。
O’FLAHERTY[hisfacedarkening]。Well，it’sthebesttheBoshcoulddoforme，anyhow。
TERESA。DoyouthinkImighttakeittothejewellernextmarketdayandaskhim？
O’FLAHERTY[sulkily]。Youmaytakeittothedivilifyoulike。
TERESA。Youneedn’tloseyourtemperaboutit。IonlythoughtI’dliketoknow。ThenicefoolI’dlookifIwentaboutshowingoffachainthatturnedouttobeonlybrass！
O’FLAHERTY。IthinkyoumightsayThankyou。
TERESA。Doyou？Ithinkyoumighthavesaidsomethingmoretomethan\"Isthatyourself？\"Youcouldn’tsaylesstothepostman。
O’FLAHERTY[hisbrowclearing]。Oh，isthatwhat’sthematter？
Here！comeandtakethetasteoftherbrassoutofmymouth。[Heseizesherandkissesher。]
Teresa，withoutlosingherIrishdignity，takesthekissasappreciativelyasaconnoisseurmighttakeaglassofwine，andsitsdownwithhimonthegardenseat，TERESA[ashesqueezesherwaist]。ThankGodthepriestcan’tseeushere！
O’FLAHERTY。It’slittletheycareforpriestsinFrance，alanna。
TERESA。Andwhathadthequeenonher，Denny，whenshespoketoyouinthepalace？
O’FLAHERTY。Shehadabonnetonwithoutanystringstoit。Andshehadaplakeenofembroiderydownherbosom。Andshehadherwaistwhereitusedtobe，andnotwheretheotherladieshadit。
Andshehadlittlebroochesinherears，thoughshehadn’thalfthejewelryofMrsSullivanthatkeepsthepopshopinDrumpogue。
Andshedressesherhairdownoverherforehead，inafringelike。AndshehasanIrishlookabouthereyebrows。Andshedidn’tknowwhattosaytome，poorwoman！andIdidn’tknowwhattosaytoher，Godhelpme！
TERESA。You’llhaveapensionnowwiththeCross，won’tyou，Denny？
O’FLAHERTY。Sixpencethreefarthingsaday。
TERESA。Thatisn’tmuch。
O’FLAHERTY。Itakeouttherestinglory。
TERESA。Andifyou’rewounded，you’llhaveawoundpension，won’tyou？
O’FLAHERTY。Iwill，pleaseGod。
TERESA。You’regoingoutagain，aren’tyou，Denny？
O’FLAHERTY。Ican’thelpmyself。I’dbeshotforadeserterifI
didn’tgo；andmaybeI’llbeshotbytheBoshesifIdogo；sobetweenthetwoofthemI’mnicelyfixedup。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[callingfromwithinthehouse]。Tessie！Tessiedarlint！
TERESA[disengagingherselffromhisarmandrising]。I’mwantedfortheteatable。You’llhaveapensionanyhow，Denny，won’tyou，whetheryou’rewoundedornot？
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Come，child，come。
TERESA[impatiently]。Oh，sureI’mcoming。[ShetriestosmileatDenny，notveryconvincingly，andhurriesintothehouse。]
O’FLAHERTY[alone]。AndifIdogetapensionitself，thedivilapennyofityou’lleverhavethespendingof。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[asshecomesfromtheporch]。Oh，it’sashameforyoutokeepthegirlfromherjuties，Dinny。Youmightgetherintotrouble。
O’FLAHERTY。MuchIcarewhethershegetsintotroubleornot！I
pitythemanthatgetsherintotrouble。He’llgethimselfintoworse。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。What’sthatyoutellme？Haveyoubeenfallingoutwithher，andsheagirlwithafortuneoftenpounds？
O’FLAHERTY。Letherkeepherfortune。Iwouldn’ttouchherwiththetongsifshehadthousandsandmillions。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Ohfieforshame，Dinny！whywouldyousaythelikeofthatofadecenthonestgirl，andoneoftheDriscollstoo？
O’FLAHERTY。Whywouldn’tIsayit？She’sthinkingofnothingbuttogetmeoutthereagaintobewoundedsothatshemayspendmypension，badscrantoher！
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Why，what’scomeoveryou，child，atallatall？
O’FLAHERTY。Knowledgeandwisdomhascomeovermewithpainandfearandtrouble。I’vebeenmadeafoolofandimposeduponallmylife。Ithoughtthatcovetioussthrealintherewasawalkingangel；andnowifeverImarryatallI’llmarryaFrenchwoman。
MRSO’FLARERTY[fiercely]。You’llnot，so；anddon’tyoudarrepeatsuchathingtome。
O’FLAHERTY。Won’tI，faith！I’vebeenasgoodasmarriedtoacoupleofthemalready。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。TheLordbepraised，whatwickednesshaveyoubeenupto，youyoungblackguard？
O’FLAHERTY。OneofthemFrenchwomenwouldcookyouamealtwiceinthedayandalldaysandeverydaythatSirPearcehimselfmightgobeggingthroughIrelandfor，andneverseethelikeof。
I’llhaveaFrenchwife，Itellyou；andwhenIsettledowntobeafarmerI’llhaveaFrenchfarm，withafieldasbigasthecontinentofEuropethattenofyourdirtylittlefieldsherewouldn’tsomuchasfilltheditchof。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[furious]。Thenit’saFrenchmotheryoumaygolookfor；forI’mdonewithyou。
O’FLAHERTY。Andit’snogreatlossyou’dbeifitwasn’tformynaturalfeelingsforyou；forit’sonlyasillyignorantoldcountrywomanyouarewithallyourfinetalkaboutIreland:youthatneversteppedbeyondthefewacresofityouwerebornon！
MRSO’FLAHERTY[totteringtothegardenseatandshowingsignsofbreakingdown]。Dinnydarlint，whyareyoulikethistome？
What’shappenedtoyou？
O’FLAHERTY[gloomily]。What’shappenedtoeverybody？that’swhatIwanttoknow。What’shappenedtoyouthatIthoughtalltheworldofandwasafeardof？What’shappenedtoSirPearce，thatI
thoughtwasagreatgeneral，andthatInowseetobenomorefittocommandanarmythananoldhen？What’shappenedtoTessie，thatIwasmadtomarryayearago，andthatIwouldn’ttakenowwithallIrelandforherfortune？Itellyoutheworld’screationiscrumblinginruinsaboutme；andthenyoucomeandaskwhat’shappenedtome？
MRSO’FLAHERTY[givingwaytowildgrief]。Ochone！ochone！myson’sturnedagenme。Oh，what’llIdoatallatall？Oh！oh！oh！
oh！
SIRPEARCE[runningoutofthehouse]。What’sthisinfernalnoise？Whatonearthisthematter？
O’FLAHERTY。Arraholdyourwhisht，mother。Don’tyouseehishonor？
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Oh，Sir，I’mruinedanddestroyed。Oh，won’tyouspeaktoDinny，Sir:I’mheartscaldedwithhim。HewantstomarryaFrenchwomanonme，andtogoawayandbeaforeigneranddeserthismotherandbetrayhiscountry。It’smadheiswiththeroaringofthecannonsandhekillingtheGermansandtheGermanskillinghim，badcesstothem！Myboyistakenfrommeandturnedagenme；andwhoistotakecareofmeinmyoldageafterallI’vedoneforhim，ochone！ochone！
O’FLAHERTY。Holdyournoise，Itellyou。Who’sgoingtoleaveyou？I’mgoingtotakeyouwithme。Therenow:doesthatsatisfyyou？
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Isittakemeintoastrangelandamongheathensandpagansandsavages，andmenotknowingawordoftheirlanguagenorthemofmine？
O’FLAHERTY。Agoodjobtheydon’t:maybethey’llthinkyou’retalkingsense。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。AskmetodieoutofIreland，isit？andtheangelsnottofindmewhentheycomeforme！
O’FLAHERTY。AndwouldyouaskmetoliveinIrelandwhereI’vebeenimposedonandkeptinignorance，andtodiewherethedivilhimselfwouldn’ttakemeasagift，letalonetheblessedangels？
Youcancomeorstay。Youcantakeyouroldwayortakemyyoungway。ButstickinthisplaceIwillnotamongalotofgood—for—nothingdivilsthat’llnotdoahand’sturnbutwatchthegrassgrowingandbuildupthestonewallwherethecowwalkedthroughit。AndSirHoracePlunkettbreakinghisheartallthetimetellingthemhowtheymightputthelandintodecenttillageliketheFrenchandBelgians。
SIRPEARCE。Yes，he’squiteright，youknow，MrsO’Flaherty:
quiterightthere。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Well，sir，pleaseGodthewarwilllastalongtimeyet；andmaybeI’lldiebeforeit’soverandtheseparationallowancestops。
O’FLAHERTY。That’sallyoucareabout。It’snothingbutmilchcowswemenareforthewomen，withtheirseparationallowances，eversincethewarbegan，badlucktothemthatmadeit！
TERESA[comingfromtheporchbetweentheGeneralandMrsO’Flaherty。Hannahsentmeoutfortotellyou，sir，thattheteawillbeblackandthecakenotfittoeatwiththecoldifyousalldon’tcomeatwanst。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[breakingoutagain]。Oh，Tessiedarlint，whathaveyoubeensayingtoDinnyatallatall？Oh！Oh——
SIRPEARCE[outofpatience]。Youcan’tdiscussthathere。WeshallhaveTessiebeginningnow。
O’FLAHERTY。That’sright，sir:drivethemin。
TERESA。Ihaven’tsaidawordtohim。He——
SIRPEARCE。Holdyourtongue；andgoinandattendtoyourbusinessattheteatable。
TERESA。ButammentItellingyourhonorthatIneversaidawordtohim？Hegavemeabeautifulgoldchain。Hereitistoshowyourhonorthatit’snolieI’mtellingyou。
SIRPEARCE。What’sthis，O’Flaherty？You’vebeenlootingsomeunfortunateofficer。
O’FLAHERTY。No，sir:Istoleitfromhimofhisownaccord。
MRSO’FLAHERTY。Wouldn’tyourhonortellhimthathismotherhasthefirstcallonit？Whatwouldaslipofagirllikethatbedoingwithagoldchainroundherneck？
TERESA[venomously]。Anyhow，Ihaveanecktoputitroundandnotahankofwrinkles。
Atthisunfortunateremark，MrsO’Flahertyboundsfromherseat:
andanappallingtempestofwordywrathbreaksout。TheremonstrancesandcommandsoftheGeneral，andtheprotestsandmenacesofO’Flaherty，onlyincreasethehubbub。Theyaresoonallspeakingatonceatthetopoftheirvoices。
MRSO’FLAHERTY[solo]。Youimpudentyoungheifer，howdaryousaysuchathingtome？[Teresaretortsfuriously:themeninterfere:
andthesolobecomesaquartet，fortissimo。]I’veagoodmindtocloutyourearsforyoutoteachyoumanners。Beashamedofyourself，do；andlearntoknowwhoyou’respeakingto。ThatI
maytn’tsin！butIdon’tknowwhatthegoodGodwasthinkingaboutwhenhemadethelikeofyou。Letmenotseeyoucastingsheep’seyesatmysonagain。ThereneverwasanO’FlahertyyetthatwoulddemeanhimselfbykeepingcompanywithadirtyDriscoll；andifIseeyounextornighmyhouseI’llputyouintheditchwithafleainyourear:mindthatnow。
TERESA。Isitmeyouoffersuchanameto，youfou—mouthed，dirty—minded，lying，slootheringoldsow，you？Iwouldn’tsoilmytonguebycallingyouinyourrightnameandtellingSirPearcewhat’sthecommontalkofthetownaboutyou。YouandyourO’Flahertys！settingyourselfupagentheDriscollsthatwouldneverlowerthemselvestobeseeninconversationwithyouatthefair。Youcankeepyouruglystingylumpofason；forwhatishebutacommonsoldier？andGodhelpthegirlthatgetshim，sayI！
Sothebackofmyhandtoyou，MrsO’Flaherty；andthatthecatmaytearyouruglyoldface！
SIRPEARCE。Silence。Tessie，didyouhearmeorderingyoutogointothehouse？MrsO’Flaherty！[Louder。]MrsO’Flaherty！！Willyoujustlistentomeonemoment？Please。[Furiously。]Doyouhearmespeakingtoyou，woman？Areyouhumanbeingsorareyouwildbeasts？Stopthatnoiseimmediately:doyouhear？[Yelling。]
AreyougoingtodowhatIorderyou，orareyounot？Scandalous！
Disgraceful！Thiscomesofbeingtoofamiliarwithyou。
O’Flaherty，shovethemintothehouse。Outwiththewholedamnedpackofyou。
O’FLAHERTY[tothewomen]。Herenow:noneofthat，noneofthat。
Goeasy，Itellyou。Holdyourwhisht，mother，willyou，oryou’llbesorryforitafter。[ToTeresa。]Isthatthewayforadecentyounggirltospeak？[Despairingly。]Oh，fortheLord’ssake，shutup，willyous？Haveyounorespectforyourselvesoryourbetters？[Peremptorily。]Letmehavenomoreofit，Itellyou。Och！thedivil’sinthewholecrewofyou。Inwithyouintothehousethisveryminuteandtearoneanother’seyesoutinthekitchenifyoulike。Inwithyou。
Thetwomenseizethetwowomen，andpushthem，stillviolentlyabusingoneanother，intothehouse。SirPearceslamsthedooruponthemsavagely。Immediatelyaheavenlysilencefallsonthesummerafternoon。Thetwositdownoutofbreath:andforalongtimenothingissaid。SirPearcesitsonanironchair。
O’Flahertysitsonthegardenseat。Thethrushbeginstosingmelodiously。O’Flahertycockshisears，andlooksupatit。A
smilespreadsoverhistroubledfeatures。SirPearce，withalongsigh，takesouthispipeandbeginstofillit。
O’FLAHERTY[idyllically]。Whatadiscontentedsortofananimalamanis，sir！Onlyamonthago，Iwasinthequietofthecountryoutatthefront，withnotasoundexceptthebirdsandthebellowofacowinthedistanceasitmightbe，andtheshrapnelmakinglittlecloudsintheheavens，andtheshellswhistling，andmaybeayellortwowhenoneofuswashit；andwouldyoubelieveit，sir，Icomplainedofthenoiseandwantedtohaveapeacefulhourathome。Well:themtwohastaughtmealesson。
Thismorning，sir，whenIwastellingtheboysherehowIwaslongingtobebacktakingmypartforkingandcountrywiththeothers，Iwaslying，asyouwellknew，sir。NowIcangoandsayitwithaclearconscience。Somelikeswar’salarums；andsomelikeshomelife。I’vetriedboth，sir；andI’mforwar’salarumsnow。Ialwayswasaquietladbynaturaldisposition。
SIRPEARCE。Strictlybetweenourselves，O’Flaherty，andasonesoldiertoanother[O’Flahertysalutes，butwithoutstiffening]，doyouthinkweshouldhavegotanarmywithoutconscriptionifdomesticlifehadbeenashappyaspeoplesayitis？
O’FLAHERTY。Well，betweenyouandmeandthewall，SirPearce，I
thinkthelesswesayaboutthatuntilthewar’sover，thebetter。
HewinksattheGeneral。TheGeneralstrikesamatch。Thethrushsings。Ajaylaughs。Theconversationdrops。