THEFACTSCONCERNINGTHERECENTCARNIVALOFCRIMEINCONNECTICUT
Iwasfeelingblithe，almostjocund。Iputamatchtomycigar，andjustthenthemorning’smailwashandedin。ThefirstsuperscriptionI
glancedatwasinahandwritingthatsentathrillofpleasurethroughandthroughme。ItwasAuntMary’s；andshewasthepersonIlovedandhonoredmostinalltheworld，outsideofmyownhousehold。Shehadbeenmyboyhood’sidol；maturity，whichisfataltosomanyenchantments，hadnotbeenabletodislodgeherfromherpedestal；no，ithadonlyjustifiedherrighttobethere，andplacedherdethronementpermanentlyamongtheimpossibilities。Toshowhowstrongherinfluenceovermewas，Iwillobservethatlongaftereverybodyelse’s\"do—stop—smoking\"hadceasedtoaffectmeintheslightestdegree，AuntMarycouldstillstirmytorpidconscienceintofaintsignsoflifewhenshetoucheduponthematter。Butallthingshavetheirlimitinthisworld。Ahappydaycameatlast，whenevenAuntMary’swordscouldnolongermoveme。Iwasnotmerelygladtoseethatdayarrive；Iwasmorethanglad——Iwasgrateful；
forwhenitssunhadset，theonealloythatwasabletomarmyenjoymentofmyaunt’ssocietywasgone。Theremainderofherstaywithusthatwinterwasineverywayadelight。Ofcourseshepleadedwithmejustasearnestlyasever，afterthatblessedday，toquitmypernicioushabit，buttonopurposewhatever；themomentsheopenedthesubjectIatoncebecamecalmly，peacefully，contentedlyindifferent——absolutely，adamantinelyindifferent。Consequentlytheclosingweeksofthatmemorablevisitmeltedawayaspleasantlyasadream，theyweresofreightedformewithtranquilsatisfaction。Icouldnothaveenjoyedmypetvicemoreifmygentletormentorhadbeenasmokerherself，andanadvocateofthepractice。Well，thesightofherhandwritingremindedmethatIwaygettingveryhungrytoseeheragain。IeasilyguessedwhatI
shouldfindinherletter。Iopenedit。Good！justasIexpected；shewascoming！Comingthisveryday，too，andbythemorningtrain；Imightexpectheranymoment。
Isaidtomyself，\"Iamthoroughlyhappyandcontentnow。Ifmymostpitilessenemycouldappearbeforemeatthismoment，IwouldfreelyrightanywrongImayhavedonehim。\"
Straightwaythedooropened，andashriveled，shabbydwarfentered。Hewasnotmorethantwofeethigh。Heseemedtobeaboutfortyyearsold。
Everyfeatureandeveryinchofhimwasatrifleoutofshape；andso，whileonecouldnotputhisfingeruponanyparticularpartandsay，\"Thisisaconspicuousdeformity，\"thespectatorperceivedthatthislittlepersonwasadeformityasawhole——avague，general，evenlyblended，nicelyadjusteddeformity。Therewasafox—likecunninginthefaceandthesharplittleeyes，andalsoalertnessandmalice。Andyet，thisvilebitofhumanrubbishseemedtobearasortofremoteandill—definedresemblancetome！Itwasdullyperceptibleinthemeanform，thecountenance，andeventheclothes，gestures，manner，andattitudesofthecreature。Hewasafarfetched，dimsuggestionofaburlesqueuponme，acaricatureofmeinlittle。Onethingabouthimstruckmeforciblyandmostunpleasantly：hewascoveredalloverwithafuzzy，greenishmold，suchasonesometimesseesuponmildewedbread。
Thesightofitwasnauseating。
Hesteppedalongwithachipperair，andflunghimselfintoadoll’schairinaveryfree—and—easyway，withoutwaitingtobeasked。Hetossedhishatintothewaste—basket。Hepickedupmyoldchalkpipefromthefloor，gavethestemawipeortwoonhisknee，filledthebowlfromthetobacco—boxathisside，andsaidtomeinatoneofpertcommand：
\"Gimmeamatch！\"
Iblushedtotherootsofmyhair；partlywithindignation，butmainlybecauseitsomehowseemedtomethatthiswholeperformancewasverylikeanexaggerationofconductwhichImyselfhadsometimesbeenguiltyofinmyintercoursewithfamiliarfriends——butnever，neverwithstrangers，I
observedtomyself。Iwantedtokickthepygmyintothefire，butsomeincomprehensiblesenseofbeinglegallyandlegitimatelyunderhisauthorityforcedmetoobeyhisorder。Heappliedthematchtothepipe，tookacontemplativewhiffortwo，andremarked，inanirritatinglyfamiliarway：
\"Seemstomeit’sdevilishoddweatherforthistimeofyear。\"
Iflushedagain，andinangerandhumiliationasbefore；forthelanguagewashardlyanexaggerationofsomethatIhaveutteredinmyday，andmoreoverwasdeliveredinatoneofvoiceandwithanexasperatingdrawlthathadtheseemingofadeliberatetravestyofmystyle。NowthereisnothingIamquitesosensitiveaboutasamockingimitationofmydrawlinginfirmityofspeech。Ispokeupsharplyandsaid：
\"Lookhere，youmiserableash—cat！youwillhavetogivealittlemoreattentiontoyourmanners，orIwillthrowyououtofthewindow！\"
Themanikinsmiledasmileofmaliciouscontentandsecurity，puffedawhiffofsmokecontemptuouslytowardme，andsaid，withastillmoreelaboratedrawl：
\"Come——gogentlynow；don’tputontoomanyairswithyourbetters。\"
Thiscoolsnubraspedmeallover，butitseemedtosubjugateme，too，foramoment。Thepygmycontemplatedmeawhilewithhisweaseleyes，andthensaid，inapeculiarlysneeringway：
\"Youturnedatrampawayfromyourdoorthismorning。\"
Isaidcrustily：
\"PerhapsIdid，perhapsIdidn’t。Howdoyouknow？\"
\"Well，Iknow。Itisn’tanymatterhowIknow。\"
\"Verywell。SupposeIdidturnatrampawayfromthedoor——whatofit？\"
\"Oh，nothing；nothinginparticular。Onlyyouliedtohim。\"
\"Ididn’t！Thatis，I——\"
\"Yes，butyoudid；youliedtohim。\"
Ifeltaguiltypang——intruth，Ihadfeltitfortytimesbeforethattramphadtraveledablockfrommydoor——butstillIresolvedtomakeashowoffeelingslandered；soIsaid：
\"Thisisabaselessimpertinence。Isaidtothetramp——\"
\"There——wait。Youwereabouttolieagain。Iknowwhatyousaidtohim。
Yousaidthecookwasgonedown—townandtherewasnothingleftfrombreakfast。Twolies。Youknewthecookwasbehindthedoor，andplentyofprovisionsbehindher。\"
Thisastonishingaccuracysilencedme；anditfilledmewithwonderingspeculations，too，astohowthiscubcouldhavegothisinformation。
Ofcoursehecouldhaveculledtheconversationfromthetramp，butbywhatsortofmagichadhecontrivedtofindoutabouttheconcealedcook？
Nowthedwarfspokeagain：
\"Itwasratherpitiful，rathersmall，inyoutorefusetoreadthatpooryoungwoman’smanuscripttheotherday，andgiveheranopinionastoitsliteraryvalue；andshehadcomesofar，too，andsohopefully。Nowwasn’tit？\"
Ifeltlikeacur！AndIhadfeltsoeverytimethethinghadrecurredtomymind，Imayaswellconfess。Iflushedhotlyandsaid：
\"Lookhere，haveyounothingbettertodothanprowlaroundpryingintootherpeople’sbusiness？Didthatgirltellyouthat？\"
\"Nevermindwhethershedidornot。Themainthingis，youdidthatcontemptiblething。Andyoufeltashamedofitafterward。Aha！youfeelashamedofitnow！\"
Thiswasasortofdevilishglee。WithfieryearnestnessIresponded：
\"Itoldthatgirl，inthekindest，gentlestway，thatIcouldnotconsenttodeliverjudgmentuponanyone’smanuscript，becauseanindividual’sverdictwasworthless。Itmightunderrateaworkofhighmeritandloseittotheworld，oritmightoverrateatrashyproductionandsoopenthewayforitsinflictionupontheworld：Isaidthatthegreatpublicwastheonlytribunalcompetenttositinjudgmentuponaliteraryeffort，andthereforeitmustbebesttolayitbeforethattribunalintheoutset，sinceintheenditmuststandorfallbythatmightycourt’sdecisionanyway。\"
\"Yes，yousaidallthat。Soyoudid，youjuggling，small—souledshuffler！Andyetwhenthehappyhopefulnessfadedoutofthatpoorgirl’sface，whenyousawherfurtivelyslipbeneathhershawlthescrollshehadsopatientlyandhonestlyscribbledat——soashamedofherdarlingnow，soproudofitbefore——whenyousawthegladnessgooutofhereyesandthetearscomethere，whenshecreptawaysohumblywhohadcomeso——\"
\"Oh，peace！peace！peace！Blisteryourmercilesstongue，haven’tallthesethoughtstorturedmeenoughwithoutyourcomingheretofetchthembackagain！\"
Remorse！remorse！Itseemedtomethatitwouldeattheveryheartoutofme！Andyetthatsmallfiendonlysatthereleeringatmewithjoyandcontempt，andplacidlychuckling。Presentlyhebegantospeakagain。
Everysentencewasanaccusation，andeveryaccusationatruth。Everyclausewasfreightedwithsarcasmandderision，everyslow—droppingwordburnedlikevitriol。ThedwarfremindedmeoftimeswhenIhadflownatmychildreninangerandpunishedthemforfaultswhichalittleinquirywouldhavetaughtmethatothers，andnotthey，hadcommitted。
HeremindedmeofhowIhaddisloyallyallowedoldfriendstobetraducedinmyhearing，andbeentoocraventoutterawordintheirdefense。
HeremindedmeofmanydishonestthingswhichIhaddone；ofmanywhichI
hadprocuredtobedonebychildrenandotherirresponsiblepersons；ofsomewhichIhadplanned，thoughtupon，andlongedtodo，andbeenkeptfromtheperformancebyfearofconsequencesonly。Withexquisitecrueltyherecalledtomymind，itembyitem，wrongsandunkindnessesI
hadinflictedandhumiliationsIhadputuponfriendssincedead，\"whodiedthinkingofthoseinjuries，maybe，andgrievingoverthem，\"headded，bywayofpoisontothestab。
\"Forinstance，\"saidhe，\"takethecaseofyouryoungerbrother，whenyoutwowereboystogether，manyalongyearago。Healwayslovinglytrustedinyouwithafidelitythatyourmanifoldtreacherieswerenotabletoshake。Hefollowedyouaboutlikeadog，contenttosufferwrongandabuseifhemightonlybewithyou；patientundertheseinjuriessolongasitwasyourhandthatinflictedthem。Thelatestpictureyouhaveofhiminhealthandstrengthmustbesuchacomforttoyou！Youpledgedyourhonorthatifhewouldletyoublindfoldhimnoharmshouldcometohim；andthen，gigglingandchokingovertherarefunofthejoke，youledhimtoabrookthinlyglazedwithice，andpushedhimin；andhowyoudidlaugh！Man，youwillneverforgetthegentle，reproachfullookhegaveyouashestruggledshiveringout，ifyouliveathousandyears！
Oh！youseeitnow，youseeitnow！\"
\"Beast，Ihaveseenitamilliontimes，andshallseeitamillionmore！
andmayyourotawaypiecemeal，andsuffertilldoomsdaywhatIsuffernow，forbringingitbacktomeagain！\"
Thedwarfchuckledcontentedly，andwentonwithhisaccusinghistoryofmycareer。Idroppedintoamoody，vengefulstate，andsufferedinsilenceunderthemercilesslash。Atlastthisremarkofhisgavemeasuddenrouse：
\"Twomonthsago，onaTuesday，youwokeup，awayinthenight，andfelltothinking，withshame，aboutapeculiarlymeanandpitifulactofyourstowardapoorignorantIndianinthewildsoftheRockyMountainsinthewinterofeighteenhundredand——\"
\"Stopamoment，devil！Stop！Doyoumeantotellmethatevenmyverythoughtsarenothiddenfromyou？\"
\"Itseemstolooklikethat。Didn’tyouthinkthethoughtsIhavejustmentioned？\"
\"IfIdidn’t，IwishImayneverbreatheagain！Lookhere，friend——lookmeintheeye。Whoareyou？\"
\"Well，whodoyouthink？\"
\"IthinkyouareSatanhimself。Ithinkyouarethedevil。\"
\"No。\"
\"No？Thenwhocanyoube？\"
\"Wouldyoureallyliketoknow？\"
\"IndeedIwould。\"
\"Well，IamyourConscience！\"
InaninstantIwasinablazeofjoyandexultation。Isprangatthecreature，roaring：
\"Curseyou，Ihavewishedahundredmilliontimesthatyouweretangible，andthatIcouldgetmyhandsonyourthroatonce！Oh，butIwillwreakadeadlyvengeanceon——\"
Folly！LightningdoesnotmovemorequicklythanmyConsciencedid！
Hedartedaloftsosuddenlythatinthemomentmyfingersclutchedtheemptyairhewasalreadyperchedonthetopofthehighbookcase，withhisthumbathisnoseintokenofderision。Iflungthepokerathim，andmissed。Ifiredthebootjack。InablindrageIflewfromplacetoplace，andsnatchedandhurledanymissilethatcamehandy；thestormofbooks，inkstands，andchunksofcoalgloomedtheairandbeataboutthemanikin’sperchrelentlessly，butalltonopurpose；thenimblefiguredodgedeveryshot；andnotonlythat，butburstintoacackleofsarcasticandtriumphantlaughterasIsatdownexhausted。WhileI
puffedandgaspedwithfatigueandexcitement，myConsciencetalkedtothiseffect：
\"Mygoodslave，youarecuriouslywitless——no，Imeancharacteristicallyso。Intruth，youarealwaysconsistent，alwaysyourself，alwaysanass。
Otherwiseitmusthaveoccurredtoyouthatifyouattemptedthismurderwithasadheartandaheavyconscience，Iwoulddroopundertheburdeningininfluenceinstantly。Fool，Ishouldhaveweighedaton，andcouldnothavebudgedfromthefloor；butinstead，youaresocheerfullyanxioustokillmethatyourconscienceisaslightasafeather；henceI
amawayuphereoutofyourreach。Icanalmostrespectamereordinarysortoffool；butyoupah！\"
Iwouldhavegivenanything，then，tobeheavyhearted，sothatIcouldgetthispersondownfromthereandtakehislife，butIcouldnomorebeheavy—heartedoversuchadesirethanIcouldhavesorrowedoveritsaccomplishment。SoIcouldonlylooklonginglyupatmymaster，andraveattheillluckthatdeniedmeaheavyconsciencetheoneonlytimethatIhadeverwantedsuchathinginmylife。ByandbyIgottomusingoverthehour’sstrangeadventure，andofcoursemyhumancuriositybegantowork。Isetmyselftoframinginmymindsomequestionsforthisfiendtoanswer。Justthenoneofmyboysentered，leavingthedooropenbehindhim，andexclaimed：
\"My！whathasbeengoingonhere？Thebookcaseisalloneriddleof——\"
Isprangupinconsternation，andshouted：
\"Outofthis！Hurry！jump！Fly！Shutthedoor！Quick，ormyConsciencewillgetaway！\"
Thedoorslammedto，andIlockedit。Iglancedupandwasgrateful，tothebottomofmyheart，toseethatmyownerwasstillmyprisoner。I
said：
\"Hangyou，Imighthavelostyou！Childrenaretheheedlessestcreatures。Butlookhere，friend，theboydidnotseemtonoticeyouatall；howisthat？\"
\"Foraverygoodreason。Iaminvisibletoallbutyou。\"
Imadeamentalnoteofthatpieceofinformationwithagooddealofsatisfaction。Icouldkillthismiscreantnow，ifIgotachance，andnoonewouldknowit。ButthisveryreflectionmademesolightheartedthatmyConsciencecouldhardlykeephisseat，butwasliketofloatalofttowardtheceilinglikeatoyballoon。Isaid，presently：
\"Come，myConscience，letusbefriendly。Letusflyaflagoftruceforawhile。Iamsufferingtoaskyousomequestions。\"
\"Verywell。Begin。\"
\"Well，then，inthefirstplace，whywereyounevervisibletomebefore？\"
\"Becauseyouneveraskedtoseemebefore；thatis，youneveraskedintherightspiritandtheproperformbefore。Youwerejustintherightspiritthistime，andwhenyoucalledforyourmostpitilessenemyIwasthatpersonbyaverylargemajority，thoughyoudidnotsuspectit。\"
\"Well，didthatremarkofmineturnyouintofleshandblood？\"
\"No。Itonlymademevisibletoyou。Iamunsubstantial，justasotherspiritsare。\"
Thisremarkproddedmewithasharpmisgiving。
Ifhewasunsubstantial，howwasIgoingtokillhim？ButIdissembled，andsaidpersuasively：
\"Conscience，itisn’tsociableofyoutokeepatsuchadistance。Comedownandtakeanothersmoke。\"
Thiswasansweredwithalookthatwasfullofderision，andwiththisobservationadded：
\"Comewhereyoucangetatmeandkillme？Theinvitationisdeclinedwiththanks。\"
\"Allright，\"saidItomyself；\"soitseemsaspiritcanbekilled，afterall；therewillbeonespiritlackinginthisworld，presently，orIlosemyguess。\"ThenIsaidaloud：
\"Friend——\"
\"There；waitabit。Iamnotyourfriend。Iamyourenemy；Iamnotyourequal，Iamyourmaster，Callme’mylord，’ifyouplease。Youaretoofamiliar。\"
\"Idon’tlikesuchtitles。Iamwillingtocallyou，sir。Thatisasfaras——\"
\"Wewillhavenoargumentaboutthis。Justobey，thatisall。Goonwithyourchatter。\"
\"Verywell，mylord——sincenothingbutmylordwillsuityou——Iwasgoingtoaskyouhowlongyouwillbevisibletome？\"
\"Always！\"
Ibrokeoutwithstrongindignation：\"Thisissimplyanoutrage。ThatiswhatIthinkofit！Youhavedogged，anddogged，anddoggedme，allthedaysofmylife，invisible。Thatwasmiseryenough，nowtohavesuchalookingthingasyoutaggingaftermelikeanothershadowalltherestofmydayisanintolerableprospect。Youhavemyopinionmylord，makethemostofit。\"
\"Mylad，therewasneversopleasedaconscienceinthisworldasIwaswhenyoumademevisible。Itgivesmeaninconceivableadvantage。NowI
canlookyoustraightintheeye，andcallyounames，andleeratyou，jeeratyou，sneeratyou；andyouknowwhateloquencethereisinvisiblegestureandexpression，moreespeciallywhentheeffectisheightenedbyaudiblespeech。Ishallalwaysaddressyouhenceforthinyouro—w—ns—n—i—v—e—l—i—n—gd—r—a—w—l——baby！\"
Iletflywiththecoal—hod。Noresult。Mylordsaid：
\"Come，come！Remembertheflagoftruce！\"
\"Ah，Iforgotthat。Iwilltrytobecivil；andyoutryit，too，foranovelty。Theideaofacivilconscience！Itisagoodjoke；anexcellentjoke。AlltheconsciencesIhaveeverheardofwerenagging，badgering，fault—finding，execrablesavages！Yes；andalwaysinasweataboutsomepoorlittleinsignificanttrifleorother——destructioncatchthelotofthem，Isay！Iwouldtrademineforthesmallpoxandsevenkindsofconsumption，andbegladofthechance。Nowtellme，whyisitthataconsciencecan’thaulamanoverthecoalsonce，foranoffense，andthenlethimalone？Whyisitthatitwantstokeeponpeggingathim，dayandnightandnightandday，weekinandweekout，foreverandever，aboutthesameoldthing？Thereisnosenseinthat，andnoreasoninit。Ithinkaconsciencethatwillactlikethatismeanerthantheverydirtitself。\"
\"Well，WElikeit；thatsuffices。\"
\"Doyoudoitwiththehonestintenttoimproveaman？\"
Thatquestionproducedasarcasticsmile，andthisreply：
\"No，sir。Excuseme。Wedoitsimplybecauseitis’business。’Itisourtrade。Thepurposeofitistoimprovetheman，butwearemerelydisinterestedagents。Weareappointedbyauthority，andhaven’tanythingtosayinthematter。Weobeyordersandleavetheconsequenceswheretheybelong。ButIamwillingtoadmitthismuch：wedocrowdtheordersatriflewhenwegetachance，whichismostofthetime。
Weenjoyit。Weareinstructedtoremindamanafewtimesofanerror；
andIdon’tmindacknowledgingthatwetrytogiveprettygoodmeasure。
Andwhenwegetholdofamanofapeculiarlysensitivenature，oh，butwedohazehim！IhaveconsciencestocomeallthewayfromChinaandRussiatoseeapersonofthatkindputthroughhispaces，onaspecialoccasion。Why，Iknewamanofthatsortwhohadaccidentallycrippledamulattobaby；thenewswentabroad，andIwishyoumaynevercommitanothersiniftheconsciencesdidn’tflockfromallovertheearthtoenjoythefunandhelphismasterexorcisehim。Thatmanwalkedthefloorintortureforforty—eighthours，withouteatingorsleeping，andthenblewhisbrainsout。Thechildwasperfectlywellagaininthreeweeks。\"
\"Well，youareapreciouscrew，nottoputittoostrong。IthinkI
begintoseenowwhyyouhavealwaysbeenatrifleinconsistentwithme。
Inyouranxietytogetallthejuiceyoucanoutofasin，youmakeamanrepentofitinthreeorfourdifferentways。Forinstance，youfoundfaultwithmeforlyingtothattramp，andIsufferedoverthat。ButitwasonlyyesterdaythatItoldatrampthesquaretruth，towit，that，itbeingregardedasbadcitizenshiptoencouragevagrancy，Iwouldgivehimnothing。Whatdidyoudothen：Why，youmademesaytomyself，’Ah，itwouldhavebeensomuchkinderandmoreblamelesstoeasehimoffwithalittlewhitelie，andsendhimawayfeelingthatifhecouldnothavebread，thegentletreatmentwasatleastsomethingtobegratefulfor！’
Well，Isufferedalldayaboutthat。ThreedaysbeforeIhadfedatramp，andfedhimfreely，supposingitavirtuousact。Straightoffyousaid，’Oh，falsecitizen，tohavefedatramp！’andIsufferedasusual。
Igaveatrampwork；youobjectedtoit——afterthecontractwasmade，ofcourse；youneverspeakupbeforehand。Next，Irefusedatrampwork；
youobjectedtothat。Next，Iproposedtokillatramp；youkeptmeawakeallnight，oozingremorseateverypore。SureIwasgoingtoberightthistime，Isentthenexttrampawaywithmybenediction；andI
wishyoumayliveaslongasIdo，ifyoudidn’tmakemesmartallnightagainbecauseIdidn’tkillhim。Isthereanywayofsatisfyingthatmalignantinventionwhichiscalledaconscience？\"
\"Ha，ha！thisisluxury！Goon！\"
\"Butcome，now，answermethatquestion。Isthereanyway？\"
\"Well，nonethatIproposetotellyou，myson。Ass！Idon’tcarewhatactyoumayturnyourhandto，Icanstraightwaywhisperawordinyourearandmakeyouthinkyouhavecommittedadreadfulmeanness。Itismybusiness——andmyjoy——tomakeyourepentofeverythingyoudo。IfIhavefooledawayanyopportunitiesitwasnotintentional；Ibegtoassureyouitwasnotintentional！\"
\"Don’tworry；youhaven’tmissedatrickthatIknowof。Ineverdidathinginallmylife，virtuousorotherwise，thatIdidn’trepentofintwenty—fourhours。InchurchlastSundayIlistenedtoacharitysermon。
Myfirstimpulsewastogivethreehundredandfiftydollars；Irepentedofthatandreduceditahundred；repentedofthatandreduceditanotherhundred；repentedofthatandreduceditanotherhundred；repentedofthatandreducedtheremainingfiftytotwenty—five；repentedofthatandcamedowntofifteen；repentedofthatanddroppedtotwodollarsandahalf；whentheplatecamearoundatlast，Irepentedoncemoreandcontributedtencents。Well，whenIgothome，IdidwishtogoodnessI
hadthattencentsbackagain！Youneverdidletmegetthroughacharitysermonwithouthavingsomethingtosweatabout。\"
\"Oh，andInevershall，Inevershall。Youcanalwaysdependonme。\"
\"Ithinkso。Manyandmany’stherestlessnightI’vewantedtotakeyoubytheneck。IfIcouldonlygetholdofyounow！\"
\"Yes，nodoubt。ButIamnotanass；Iamonlythesaddleofanass。
Butgoon，goon。YouentertainmemorethanIliketoconfess。\"
Iamgladofthat。(Youwillnotmindmylyingalittle，tokeepinpractice。)Lookhere；nottobetoopersonal，Ithinkyouareabouttheshabbiestandmostcontemptiblelittleshriveled—upreptilethatcanbeimagined。Iamgratefulenoughthatyouareinvisibletootherpeople，forIshoulddiewithshametobeseenwithsuchamildewedmonkeyofaconscienceasyouare。Nowifyouwerefiveorsixfeethigh，and——\"
\"Oh，come！whoistoblame？\"
\"Idon’tknow。\"
\"Why，youare；nobodyelse。\"
\"Confoundyou，Iwasn’tconsultedaboutyourpersonalappearance。\"
\"Idon’tcare，youhadagooddealtodowithit，nevertheless。Whenyouwereeightornineyearsold，Iwassevenfeethigh，andasprettyasapicture。\"
\"Iwishyouhaddiedyoung！Soyouhavegrownthewrongway，haveyou？\"
\"Someofusgrowonewayandsometheother。Youhadalargeconscienceonce；ifyou’veasmallconsciencenowIreckontherearereasonsforit。
However，bothofusaretoblame，youandI。Yousee，youusedtobeconscientiousaboutagreatmanythings；morbidlyso，Imaysay。Itwasagreatmanyyearsago。Youprobablydonotrememberitnow。Well，Itookagreatinterestinmywork，andIsoenjoyedtheanguishwhichcertainpetsinsofyoursafflictedyouwiththatIkeptpeltingatyouuntilIratheroverdidthematter。Youbegantorebel。OfcourseI
begantoloseground，then，andshrivelalittle——diminishinstature，getmoldy，andgrowdeformed。ThemoreIweakened，themorestubbornlyyoufastenedontothoseparticularsins；tillatlasttheplacesonmypersonthatrepresentthosevicesbecameascallousasshark—skin。Takesmoking，forinstance。Iplayedthatcardalittletoolong，andIlost。
Whenpeoplepleadwithyouatthislatedaytoquitthatvice，thatoldcallousplaceseemstoenlargeandcovermealloverlikeashirtofmail。Itexertsamysterious，smotheringeffect；andpresentlyI，yourfaithfulhater，yourdevotedConscience，gosoundasleep！Sound？Itisnonameforit。Icouldn’thearitthunderatsuchatime。Youhavesomefewothervices——perhapseighty，ormaybeninety——thataffectmeinmuchthesameway。\"
\"Thisisflattering；youmustbeasleepagoodpartofyourtime。\"
\"Yes，oflateyears。IshouldbeasleepallthetimebutforthehelpI
get。\"
\"Whohelpsyou？\"
\"Otherconsciences。WheneverapersonwhoseconscienceIamacquaintedwithtriestopleadwithyouaboutthevicesyouarecallousto，Igetmyfriendtogivehisclientapangconcerningsomevillainyofhisown，andthatshutsoffhismeddlingandstartshimofftohuntpersonalconsolation。Myfieldofusefulnessisabouttrimmeddowntotramps，buddingauthoresses，andthatlineofgoodsnow；butdon’tyouworry——I’llharryyouontheirswhiletheylast！Justyouputyourtrustinme。\"
\"IthinkIcan。Butifyouhadonlybeengoodenoughtomentionthesefactssomethirtyyearsago，Ishouldhaveturnedmyparticularattentiontosin，andIthinkthatbythistimeIshouldnotonlyhavehadyouprettypermanentlyasleepontheentirelistofhumanvices，butreducedtothesizeofahomeopathicpill，atthat。ThatisaboutthestyleofconscienceIampiningfor。IfIonlyhadyoushrunkyoudowntoahomeopathicpill，andcouldgetmyhandsonyou，wouldIputyouinaglasscaseforakeepsake？No，sir。Iwouldgiveyoutoayellowdog！
Thatiswhereyououghttobe——youandallyourtribe。Youarenotfittobeinsociety，inmyopinion。Nowanotherquestion。Doyouknowagoodmanyconsciencesinthissection？\"
\"Plentyofthem。\"
\"Iwouldgiveanythingtoseesomeofthem！Couldyoubringthemhere？
Andwouldtheybevisibletome？\"
\"Certainlynot。\"
\"IsupposeIoughttohaveknownthatwithoutasking。Butnomatter，youcandescribethem。TellmeaboutmyneighborThompson’sconscience，please。\"
\"Verywell。Iknowhimintimately；haveknownhimmanyyears。Iknewhimwhenhewaselevenfeethighandofafaultlessfigure。Butheisverypastyandtoughandmisshapennow，andhardlyeverinterestshimselfaboutanything。Astohispresentsize——well，hesleepsinacigar—box。\"
\"Likelyenough。Therearefewsmaller，meanermeninthisregionthanHughThompson。DoyouknowRobinson’sconscience？\"
\"Yes。Heisashadeunderfourandahalffeethigh；usedtobeablond；
isabrunettenow，butstillshapelyandcomely。\"
\"Well，Robinsonisagoodfellow。DoyouknowTomSmith’sconscience？\"
\"Ihaveknownhimfromchildhood。Hewasthirteenincheshigh，andrathersluggish，whenhewastwoyearsold——asnearlyallofusareatthatage。Heisthirty—sevenfeethighnow，andthestateliestfigureinAmerica。Hislegsarestillrackedwithgrowing—pains，buthehasagoodtime，nevertheless。Neversleeps。HeisthemostactiveandenergeticmemberoftheNewEnglandConscienceClub；ispresidentofit。NightanddayyoucanfindhimpeggingawayatSmith，pantingwithhislabor，sleevesrolledup，countenanceallalivewithenjoyment。Hehasgothisvictimsplendidlydragoonednow。HecanmakepoorSmithimaginethatthemostinnocentlittlethinghedoesisanodioussin；andthenhesetstoworkandalmosttorturesthesouloutofhimaboutit。\"
\"Smithisthenoblestmaninallthissection，andthepurest；andyetisalwaysbreakinghisheartbecausehecannotbegood！Onlyaconsciencecouldfindpleasureinheapingagonyuponaspiritlikethat。DoyouknowmyauntMary’sconscience？\"
\"Ihaveseenheratadistance，butamnotacquaintedwithher。Shelivesintheopenairaltogether，becausenodoorislargeenoughtoadmither。\"
\"Icanbelievethat。Letmesee。Doyouknowtheconscienceofthatpublisherwhooncestolesomesketchesofminefora’series’ofhis，andthenleftmetopaythelawexpensesIhadtoincurinordertochokehimoff？\"
\"Yes。Hehasawidefame。Hewasexhibited，amonthago，withsomeotherantiquities，forthebenefitofarecentMemberoftheCabinet’sconsciencethatwasstarvinginexile。Ticketsandfareswerehigh，butItraveledfornothingbypretendingtobetheconscienceofaneditor，andgotinforhalf—pricebyrepresentingmyselftobetheconscienceofaclergyman。However，thepublisher’sconscience，whichwastohavebeenthemainfeatureoftheentertainment，wasafailure——asanexhibition。
Hewasthere，butwhatofthat？Themanagementhadprovidedamicroscopewithamagnifyingpowerofonlythirtythousanddiameters，andsonobodygottoseehim，afterall。Therewasgreatandgeneraldissatisfaction，ofcourse，but——\"
Justheretherewasaneagerfootsteponthestair；Iopenedthedoor，andmyauntMaryburstintotheroom。Itwasajoyfulmeetingandacheerybombardmentofquestionsandanswersconcerningfamilymattersensued。Byandbymyauntsaid：
\"ButIamgoingtoabuseyoualittlenow。Youpromisedme，thedayI
sawyoulast，thatyouwouldlookaftertheneedsofthepoorfamilyaroundthecornerasfaithfullyasIhaddoneitmyself。Well，Ifoundoutbyaccidentthatyoufailedofyourpromise。Wasthatright？\"
Insimpletruth，Ineverhadthoughtofthatfamilyasecondtime！Andnowsuchasplinteringpangofguiltshotthroughme！IglancedupatmyConscience。Plainly，myheavyheartwasaffectinghim。Hisbodywasdroopingforward；heseemedabouttofallfromthebookcase。Myauntcontinued：
\"Andthinkhowyouhaveneglectedmypoorprotegeatthealmshouse，youdear，hard—heartedpromise—breaker！\"Iblushedscarlet，andmytonguewastied。Asthesenseofmyguiltynegligencewaxedsharperandstronger，myConsciencebegantoswayheavilybackandforth；andwhenmyaunt，afteralittlepause，saidinagrievedtone，\"Sinceyouneveroncewenttoseeher，maybeitwillnotdistressyounowtoknowthatthatpoorchilddied，monthsago，utterlyfriendlessandforsaken！\"
MyConsciencecouldnolongerbearupundertheweightofmysufferings，buttumbledheadlongfromhishighperchandstruckthefloorwithadull，leadenthump。Helaytherewrithingwithpainandquakingwithapprehension，butstrainingeverymuscleinfranticeffortstogetup。
InafeverofexpectancyIsprangtothedoor，lockedit，placedmybackagainstit，andbentawatchfulgazeuponmystrugglingmaster。Alreadymyfingerswereitchingtobegintheirmurderouswork。
\"Oh，whatcanbethematter！\"exclaimedbyaunt，shrinkingfromme，andfollowingwithherfrightenedeyesthedirectionofmine。Mybreathwascominginshort，quickgaspsnow，andmyexcitementwasalmostuncontrollable。Myauntcriedout：
\"Oh，donotlookso！Youappalme！Oh，whatcanthematterbe？Whatisityousee？Whydoyoustareso？Whydoyouworkyourfingerslikethat？\"
\"Peace，woman！\"Isaid，inahoarsewhisper。\"Lookelsewhere；paynoattentiontome；itisnothing——nothing。Iamoftenthisway。Itwillpassinamoment。Itcomesfromsmokingtoomuch。\"
Myinjuredlordwasup，wild—eyedwithterror，andtryingtohobbletowardthedoor。Icouldhardlybreathe，Iwassowroughtup。Myauntwrungherhands，andsaid：
\"Oh，Iknewhowitwouldbe；Iknewitwouldcometothisatlast！
Oh，Iimploreyoutocrushoutthatfatalhabitwhileitmayyetbetime！
Youmustnot，youshallnotbedeaftomysupplicationslonger！\"
MystrugglingConscienceshowedsuddensignsofweariness！\"Oh，promisemeyouwillthrowoffthishatefulslaveryoftobacco！\"MyConsciencebegantoreeldrowsily，andgropewithhishands——enchantingspectacle！
\"Ibegyou，Ibeseechyou，Iimploreyou！Yourreasonisdesertingyou！
Thereismadnessinyoureye！Itflameswithfrenzy！Oh，hearme，hearme，andbesaved！See，Ipleadwithyouonmyveryknees！\"AsshesankbeforememyConsciencereeledagain，andthendroopedlanguidlytothefloor，blinkingtowardmealastsupplicationformercy，withheavyeyes。
\"Oh，promise，oryouarelost！Promise，andberedeemed！Promise！
Promiseandlive！\"Withalong—drawnsighmyconqueredConscienceclosedhiseyesandfellfastasleep！
WithanexultantshoutIsprangpastmyaunt，andinaninstantIhadmylifelongfoebythethroat。Aftersomanyyearsofwaitingandlonging，hewasmineatlast。Itorehimtoshredsandfragments。Irentthefragmentstobits。Icastthebleedingrubbishintothefire，anddrewintomynostrilsthegratefulincenseofmyburnt—offering。Atlast，andforever，myConsciencewasdead！
Iwasafreeman！Iturneduponmypooraunt，whowasalmostpetrifiedwithterror，andshouted：
\"Outofthiswithyourpaupers，yourcharities，yourreforms，yourpestilentmorals！Youbeholdbeforeyouamanwhoselife—conflictisdone，whosesoulisatpeace；amanwhoseheartisdeadtosorrow，deadtosuffering，deadtoremorse；amanWITHOUTACONSCIENCE！InmyjoyI
spareyou，thoughIcouldthrottleyouandneverfeelapang！Fly！\"
Shefled。Sincethatdaymylifeisallbliss。Bliss，unalloyedbliss。
Nothinginalltheworldcouldpersuademetohaveaconscienceagain。
Isettledallmyoldoutstandingscores，andbegantheworldanew。
Ikilledthirty—eightpersonsduringthefirsttwoweeks——allofthemonaccountofancientgrudges。Iburnedadwellingthatinterruptedmyview。Iswindledawidowandsomeorphansoutoftheirlastcow，whichisaverygoodone，thoughnotthoroughbred，Ibelieve。Ihavealsocommittedscoresofcrimes，ofvariouskinds，andhaveenjoyedmyworkexceedingly，whereasitwouldformerlyhavebrokenmyheartandturnedmyhairgray，Ihavenodoubt。
Inconclusion，Iwishtostate，bywayofadvertisement，thatmedicalcollegesdesiringassortedtrampsforscientificpurposes，eitherbythegross，bycordmeasurement，orperton，willdowelltoexaminethelotinmycellarbeforepurchasingelsewhere，asthesewereallselectedandpreparedbymyself，andcanbehadatalowrate，becauseIwishtoclear，outmystockandgetreadyforthespringtrade。