ACOMEDYINONEACT
\"MissCivilization\"isfoundedonastorybythelateJamesHarveySmith。AllprofessionalrightsinthisplaybelongtoRichardHardingDavis。Amateurswhodesiretoproduce\"MissCivilization\"maydoso,providingtheyapplyforpermissiontotheeditorofCollier’sWeekly,inwhichpublicationthisplaywasfirstprinted。
PEOPLEINTHEPLAY
ALICEGARDNER:DaughterofJamesK。Gardner,PresidentoftheL。I。
&W。Railroad\"UNCLE\"JOSEPHHATCH:Alias\"GentlemanJoe\"
\"BRICK\"MEAKIN:Alias\"Reddy,theKid\"
HARRYHAYES:Alias\"GrandStand\"HarryCAPTAINLUCAS:ChiefofPolicePolicemen,Brakemen,EngineersScene——ThediningroominthecountryhouseofJamesK。GardneronLongIsland。Inthebackwallisadoubledoorwayopeningintoahall。Acurtaindividedinthemiddlehangsacrosstheentrance。
Onthewalloneithersideofthedoorwayaretwoelectriclights,andtotheleftisatelephone。Furthertotheleftisasideboard。Onitaresetsilversalvers,candlesticks,andChristmaspresentsofsilver。Theystillareintheredflannelbagsinwhichtheyarrived。Intheleftwallisarecessedwindowhungwithcurtains。Againsttherightwallisabuffetonwhichissetatea—caddy,toast—rack,andteakettle。Belowthebuffetadooropensintothebutler’spantry。Adinnertablestandswelldownthestagewithachairateachendandoneitherside。Twochairsaresetagainstthebackwalltotherightofthedoor。ThewallsandwindowsaredecoratedwithhollyandmistletoeandChristmaswreathstiedwithbowsofscarletribbon。Whenthewindowisopenedthereisaviewoffallingsnow。Atfirsttheroomisincompletedarkness。
ThetimeisthedayafterChristmas,nearmidnight。
Afterthecurtainrises,onehearsthenoiseofafilescrapingoniron。Itcomesapparentlyfromoutsidethehouseatapointdistantfromthediningroom。Thefilingisrepeatedcautiously,withawaitbetweeneachstroke,asthoughthepersonusingthefilehadpausedtolisten。
AliceGardnerentersatcentre,carryingalightedcandleinasilvercandlestick。Shewearsadressinggown,withswan’sdownaroundherthroatandattheedgesofhersleeves。Herfeetareinbedroomslipperstoppedwithfur。Herhairhangsdowninabraid。Afterlisteningintentlytothesoundofthefile,sheplacescandleonsideboardandgoestotelephone。Shespeaksinawhisper。
ALICE:
Hello,Central。Hello,Central。
(Impatiently)
Wakeup!Wakeup!Isthatyou,Central?GivemethestationagentatBedfordJunction——quick。What?ICAN’Tspeaklouder。
Well,youMUSThearme。GivemethestationagentatBedfordJunction。No,there’salwaysamanthereallnight。Hurry,please,hurry。
(Thereisapause,duringwhichthesoundofthefilegrowslouder。
Alicelistensapprehensively。)
Hello,areyouthestationagent?Good!Listen!IamMissGardner,JamesK。Gardner’sdaughter。Yes,JamesK。Gardner,thepresidentoftheroad。Thisishishouse。MymotherandIareherealone。Therearethreementryingtobreakin。Yes,burglars,ofcourse。Mymotherisveryill。Iftheyfrightenhertheshockmight——mightbeveryserious。Wakeupthecrew,andsendthewreckingtrainhere——atonce。Send——the——crew——of——the——
wreckingtrainhere——quick。What?Thenfireupanengineandgetithereasfastasyoucan。
VOICE:
(callingfromsecondstory)
Alice!
ALICE:
(attelephone)
Yes,youhave。Theup—track’sclearuntil\"52\"comesalong。
That’snotuntil——
VOICE:
(Louder)
Alice!
ALICE:
(withdismay)
Mother!
(Attelephone)
Hello,holdthewire。Don’tgoaway!
(Runstocurtains,partsthem,andlooksupasthoughspeakingtosomeoneattopofstairs)
Mother,whyAREN’Tyouinbed?
VOICE:
Isanythingwrong,Alice?
ALICE:
No,dear,no。Ijustcamedownto——getabookIforgot。Pleasegoback,dearest。
VOICE:
Iheardyoumovingabout。Ithoughtyoumightbeill。
ALICE:
No,dearest,butYOU’LLbeveryillifyoudon’tkeepinbed。
Please,mother——atonce。It’sallright,it’sallright。
VOICE:
Yes,dear。Goodnight。
ALICE:
Goodnight,mother。
(Returnsquicklytotelephone)
Hello!Hello!Stoptheengineatthefootofourlawn。Yes,yes,atthefootofourlawn。Andwhenyouhavethehousesurrounded,whenthemenareallaroundthehouse,blowthreewhistlessoI’llknowyou’rehere。What?Oh,that’sallright。Theburglarswillbehere。I’LLseetothat。AllYOUhavetodoistoGEThere。Ifyoudon’tyou,you’llloseyourjob!Isay,ifyoudon’t,you’llloseyourjob,orI’mnotthedaughterofthepresidentofthisroad。NOW,YOUJUMP!And——wait——hello(turnsfromtelephone)
He’sjumped。
(Thefileisnowdrawnharshlyacrosstheboltofthewindowofthediningroom,andapieceofwoodsnaps。Withanexclamation,Aliceblowsoutthecandleandexits。Theshuttersofthewindowsareopened,admittingthefaintglowofmoonlight。Thewindowisraisedandtherayofadarklanternissweptabouttheroom。
HATCHappearsatwindowandputsoneleginside。Heisanelderlymanwearingamaskwhichhidestheupperhalfofhisface,aheavyovercoat,andaderbyhat。Butforthemaskhemightbemistakenforarespectablemanofbusiness。Apaneofglassfallsfromthewindowandbreaksonthesill。)
HATCH:
(Speakingoverhisshoulder)
Hush!Becareful,can’tyou?
(Heenters。Heisfollowedby\"GRANDSTAND\"HARRY,ayoungermanofsportingappearance。Healsowearsamask,andthebrimofhisgrayalpinehatispulledoverhiseyes。Aroundhisthroathewearsaheavysilkmuffler)。
It’sallright。Comeon。Hurryup,andclosethoseshutters。
HARRY:
(toREDDYoutside)
Givemethebag,Reddy。
(REDDYappearsatwindow。HeisdressedlikeaBowerytough。Hisfaceisblackenedwithburntcork。Hishairisofabrilliantred。
Hewearsanengineer’ssilkcapwithvisor。ToHARRYhepassesahalf—filledcanvasbag。Onhisshoulderhecarriesanother。Onenteringheslipsandfallsforwardonthefloor)。
HATCH:
Confoundyou!
HARRY:
Hush,youfool。
HATCH:
Hashebrokenanything?
REDDY:
(onfloor,rubbinghishead)
I’vebrokemyhead。
HATCH:
That’snoloss。Hashesmashedthatsilver?
HARRY:
(feelinginbag)
Itfeelsallright。
(HATCHcautiouslypartscurtainsatcentreandexitsintohall。)
REDDY:
(liftsbag)
WegotenoughstuffinthisbagalreadywithoutwastingtimeonANOTHERhouse。
HARRY:
Wastingtime!Time’smoneyinTHIShouse。Lookatthissilver。
That’sthebeautyofworkingthenightAFTERChristmas;everybodys’
presentsislyingaboutloose,andeverybody’stootiredcelebratingtokeepawake。
(Liftssilverlovingcup)
Lookatthatcup!
REDDY:
I’dratherlookatacupofcoffee。
HARRY:
(Contemptuously)
Ah,you!
REDDY:
Well,Ican’tmakeamealoutofsilvericepitchers,canI?I’vebeenthroughthreerefrigeratorstonight,andnothinginanyofembutbottlesofMILK!MILK!
HARRY:
Getup,getup,gettowork。
REDDY:
ThefolksinthistownarethestingiestIeversee。Iwon’tvisitemagain,nomatterhowoftentheyaskme。
(Risingandcrossingtobuffet)
Iwonderifthesefolksisvegetarians,too。
(HATCHenters)
HATCH:
Itseemsallright。There’snolight,andeverybody’squiet。
(ToHARRY)
Youworkthebedrooms。I’llclearawaythosethings。Don’tberough,now。
HARRY:
Iknowmybusiness。Givemethelight。
(Takeslanternandexitscentre)
HATCH:
Hist,Reddy。Reddy,leavethatalone。That’snotsafe。
(Removessilverfromsideboardtobag)。
REDDY:
Iknowitain’t,governor。I’mlookin’forsomethin’toeat。
(Hekneelsinfrontofbuffet,andopensdoor。)
HATCH:
No,you’renot!You’renotheretoeat。Comeandgivemeahandwiththisstuff。
REDDY:
Gee!I’vefoundabottleofwhiskey。
(Takesbottlefrombuffetandbeginstopullatthecork。)
HATCH:
Well,youputitrightbackwhereyoufoundit。
REDDY:
Iknowabetterplacethanthattoputit。
HATCH:
HowmanytimeshaveItoldyouI’llnotletyoudrinkinbusinesshours?
REDDY:
Oh,justonce,governor;it’sacruel,coldnight。
(Coughs。)
Ineeditformedicine。
HATCH:
No,Itellyou!
REDDY:
JustONEdose。Here’stoyou。
(Drinks。)
Oh,Lord!
(Hesputtersandcoughsviolently。)
HATCH:
(startstowardhim)
Hush!Stopthat,youfool。
REDDY:
Oh,Impoisoned!That’sbenzine,governor。Whatdoyouthinkofthat?Benzine!It’sburnedmethroatout。
HATCH:
Iwishithadburnedyourtongueout!CAN’Tyoukeepstill?
REDDY:
Oh,Lord!Oh,Lord!Thinkofamanputtin’benzineinawhiskeybottle!That’sdishonest,thatis。Usingarevenuestamptwiceisdefraudin’theGovernment。Icouldhavehimarrestedforthat。
(Pause。)
IfIwantedto。
(Pause。)
ButIdon’twantto。
HATCH:
Oh,quitthat——andcomehere。Getoutthewindow,andI’llhandthebagtoyou。Putitundertheseatofthewagon,andcoveritupwiththelaprobe。
(REDDYstepstocentredoorand,partingthecurtains,leansintothehallbeyond,listening。)
REDDY:
Goslow。Iain’ttoleaveheretillHarryissafeonthegroundflooragain。
HATCH:
Don’tyouworryaboutHarry。Hewon’tgetintotrouble。
REDDY:
SureHEwon’t。It’sMEandYOUhe’llgetintotrouble。Youhadn’toughttosendHIMtodosecond—storywork。
HATCH:
(Contemptuously)
No?
REDDY:
No;he’stootender—hearted。Asecond—storyworkeroughttousehisgun。
HATCH:
Oh,you!You’llfireyourguntoooftensomeday。
REDDY:
No,Iwon’t。Ididonce,butIdidn’tdoitagainforsixyears。
ButHarry——ah,he’stootender—hearted。IfHarrywasachickenthief,beforehe’dwringachicken’sneckhe’dgiveitlaughinggas。Why,youremembertheladythatwokeupandbeggedhimtogiveherbackagoldwatchbecauseitbelongedtoherlittlegirlwhowasdead。Well——itturnedoutthelittlegirlwasn’tdead。Itturnedoutthelittlegirlwasabigboy,aliveandkicking——especiallykicking。Hekickedmeintoarosebush。
HATCH:
That’lldo。Harry’slearninghistrade。He’llpickitupintime。
REDDY:
Abouttimehepickedupsomething。RemembertheGainesvilleBank;
wherehewentawayleavingtenthousanddollarsinthebackofthesafe。\"Whydidn’thepickTHATup?
HATCH:
Becauseitwasn’tthere。Bankdirectorsalwayssaythat——tomakeusfeelbad。Hush!
(HARRYenters,carryinghissilkmuffler,whichnowiswrappedaboutacollectionofjewelsandwatches。)
HATCH:
That’squickwork。Whatdidyouget?
HARRY:
Someneckstrings,andrings,andtwowatches。
(Hespreadsthemuffleronthetable。Thethreemenexaminethejewelry。)
HATCH:
Thatlooksgood。Who’supthere?
HARRY:
Onlyanoldladyandayounggirlintheroomoverthis。Andshe’sabeauty,too。
(Sentimentally。)
Sleepingtherejustassweetandpeaceful——
REDDY:
Ah,whydon’tyougiveherbackHERwatch?Maybeshe’sANOTHER
deaddaughter。
HATCH:
That’sallright,Harry。That’sgoodstuff。Pickupthatbag,Reddy。Wecangonow。
(HARRYplacesmufflerandjewelsinaninsidecoatpocket。REDDY
takesupthedarklantern。)
REDDY:
Go?NottillI’vegotsomethingtoeat。
HATCH:
No,youdon’t。Youcanwaittilllaterforsomethingtoeat。
REDDY:
Yes,Icanwaittilllaterforsomethingtoeat,butIcanwaitbetterifIeatnow。
(Exitintopantry。)
HATCH:
Confoundhim。IfIknewtheroadsaroundhereaswellashedoes,I’ddriveoffandleavehim。Thatappetiteofhiswillsendustojailsomeday。
HARRY:
Well,totellthetruth,governor,alittlesupperwouldn’thurtmyfeelings。
(Goestobuffet。)
IwonderwhereoldmanGardnerkeepshisHavanas?I’dlikeaChristmaspresentofaboxofcigars。Arethereanyoverhere?
HATCH:
Ididn’tlook。IgaveuprobbingtillswhenIwasquiteaboy。
(Carriesbagtowardwindowandlooksout。)
HARRY:
(Takesboxofcigarsfrombuffet)
Ah,heretheyare。
(Withdisgust。)
Domestics!Whatdoyouthinkofthat?MadeinVermont。The\"AdmiralDewey\"cigar。Gee!WhatwastheuseofDewey’stakingManila,ifI’vegottosmokeVermontcigars?
(REDDYenters,carryingtraywithfoodandabottle。)
REDDY:
Say,fellers,lookatthislayout。Theseisrealpeopleinthishouse。Ifoundcoldbirds,andham,andallkindsofpie,andrealwine。
(Placestrayonrightendoftable。)
Sitdown,andmakeyourselvesperfectlyathome。
HARRY:
Well,well,thatdoeslookgood。
(Placesboxofcigarsatupperendoftable,andseatshimself。)
Betterhaveabite,governor。
HATCH:
No,Itellyou。
(Hesitsangrilyinchairatleftendoftable,withhisfaceturnedtowardthecurtains。)
REDDY:
Oh,comeon。Itdon’tcostyounothing。
(Thelightfromthecandleisseenapproachingthecurtains。)
HATCH:
Hush!Lookthere!
(Herises,liftinghischairabovehishead,andadvancesontiptoetorightofcurtains,wherehestandswiththechairraisedasthoughtostrike。
HARRYpointsrevolveratcurtains。
REDDYshiftsthelanterntohislefthandand,standingclosetoHARRY,alsopointsarevolver。
ALICEappearsbetweencurtains。Sheisdressedasbefore,andinherlefthandcarriesthecandle,whiletheforefingerofherrighthandisheldwarninglytoherlips。Foraninstantshepauses,intheringoflightfromthelantern。)
ALICE:
(Whispering)
Hush!Don’tmakeanoise。Don’tmakeanoise,please。
(Thereisalongpause。)
REDDY:
Well,I’llbehung!
ALICE:
(ToREDDY)
Pleasedon’tmakeanoise。
HATCH:
(inathreateningwhisper)
Don’tYOUmakeanoise。
ALICE:
Idon’tmeanto。Mymotherisasleepupstairsandsheisveryill。
AndIdon’twanttowakeher——andIdon’twantyoutowakeher,either。
REDDY:
\"Well,I’llbehung!
HATCH:
(Angrily)
Whoelseisinthishouse?
ALICE:
Noonebutmotherandthemaidservants,andthey’reasleep。Youwokeme,andIhopedyou’dgowithoutdisturbingmother。Butwhenyoustartedinmakinganightofit,IdecidedI’dbettercomedownandaskyoutobeasquietaspossible。Mymotherisnotatallwell。
(Takescigarboxofftable。)
Excuseme,you’vegotthewrongcigars。Thosearethecigarsfatherkeepsforhisfriends。Thosehesmokeshehidesoverhere。
(Placesboxonbuffetandtakesoutalargerbox,withpartitionsforcigars,matches,andcigarettes。Asshemovesabout,REDDY
keepsherwellinthelightofthelantern。)
Trythose。I’mafraidyou’veaverypoorsupper。Whenfatherisaway,wehavesuchasmallfamily。Ican’tseewhatyou’ve——wouldyoumindtakingthatlightoutofmyeyes,andpointingitatthattray?
HATCH:
(sharply)
Don’tyoudoit。Keepthegunonher。
ALICE:
Oh,Idon’tmindhispointingthegunatme,solongashedoesnotpointthatlightatme。It’smost——embarrassing。
(Sternly。)
Turnitdownthere,please。
(REDDYletslightfallontray。)
Why,that’scookingsherryyou’vegot。Youcan’tdrinkTHAT!Letmegetyousomewhiskey。
REDDY:
(coveringherwithlantern)
No,youdon’t。That’snotwhiskey。It’sbenzine。
ALICE:
Youdon’tmeantosaythatthatbenzinebottleisthereSTILL?I
toldJanetotakeitaway。
REDDY:
(dryly)
Well,Janedidn’tdoit。
ALICE:
Now,isn’tthatjustlikeJane?Itoldheritmightsetfiretothehouseandburnusalive。
REDDY:
Itnearlyburnedmealive。
ALICE:
I’msosorry。
(Takesfrombuffetatrayholdingwhiskeybottle,siphon,andthreeglasses。)
Here,thisiswhatyouwant。But,perhapsyoudon’tlikeScotch。
HATCH:
Don’tyoutouchthat,Reddy。
(Returnstochairatleftoftable。)
REDDY:
Whynot?
ALICE:
(pourswhiskeyintoaglass)
Yes;whynot?It’snotpoison。There’snothingwrongwiththisbottle。Ifyou’reafraid,I’llproveittoyou。Justtoshowyouthere’snotatraceofhardfeelings。
(Drinksandcoughsviolently。)
REDDY:
(sympathetically)
SHE’Sgotthebenzinebottle,too。
ALICE:
No。I’mnotquiteusedtothat。
(ToHARRY)
Excuseme,butaren’tyougettingtiredholdingthatbigpistol?
Don’tyouthinkyoumightputitdownnow,andhelpmeservethissupper?
(HARRYdoesnotmove。)
No?Well,then,letthecoloredgentlemanhelpme。
(HARRYandREDDYwheelsharply,eachpointinghisrevolver。)
REDDY:
Coloredman!Where?
HARRY:
Coloredman!It’satrap!
(Seeingnoone,theyturn。)
ALICE:
(toREDDY)
Oh,pardonme。Aren’tyouacoloredperson?
REDDY:
Me!Colored?Youneverseeacoloredmanwithhairlikethat,didyou?
(Pointslanternathishead。)
Thisisn’tmyrealface,lady。Why,outofofficehours,I’veacomplexionlikecreamandroses。
(Indignantly。)
Coloredman!
ALICE:
Ibegyourpardon,butIcan’tseeverywell。Don’tyouthinkitwouldbemorecheerfulifwehadalittlemorelight?
HATCH:
No!
(ToREDDY。)
Dropthat。We’vegottogo。
(ToALICE。)
Andbeforewego,I’vegottofixyou。
ALICE:
Fixme——how\"fix\"me?
HATCH:
I’msorry,Miss,butit’syourownfault。Youshouldn’thavetriedtoseeus。NowthatyouHAVE,beforeweleave,I’vegottotieyoutoachair——andgagyou。
ALICE:
Oh,really——allofthat?
HATCH:
Ican’thaveyouraisingtheneighborhooduntilwegetwellaway。
ALICE:
Isee。But——gagged——I’lllooksofoolish。
REDDY:
Well,there’snohurry。Wewon’tgetwellawayuntilI’vehadsomethingtoeat。
ALICE:
Quiteright。
(ToHatch。)Youcantiemeinachairlater,Mr。_______。ButnowyoumustrememberthatIamyourhostess。
(ToREDDY。)
You’llfindplatesinthepantry,please。
REDDY:
Oh,Idon’tusethemthings。
ALICE:
You’lluse\"themthings\"whenyoueatwithme。Go,doasItellyou,please。
(REDDYexits……)
Andyou——putawaythatsillygunandhelphim。
HATCH:
Staywhereyouare。
HARRY:
Oh,what’stherush,governor?Shecan’thurtnobody。AndI’mnearstarved,too。
(Exitintopantry。)
HATCH:
ThisisthelasttimeItakeYOUout。
ALICE:
(arrangingthefooduponthetable)
Now,whyareyousopeevishtoeverybody?Whydon’tyoubesociable,andtakesomesupper?
(Glancesatsideboard。)
Youseemtohavetakeneverythingelse。Oh,thatremindsme。
Wouldyouobjecttoloaningmeabout——four,six——aboutsixofourknivesandforks?Justforthesupper。Isupposewecanborrowfromtheneighborsforbreakfast。Unlessyou’vebeencallingontheneighbors,too。
HATCH:
Oh,anythingtoobligealady。
(Threateningly。)
Butnotricks,now!
ALICE:
Oh,Ican’tpromisethat,becauseImightn’tbeabletokeepmypromise。
(HATCHbringssilverknivesandforksfromthebag。)
HATCH:
I’llriskallthetricksyouknow。Nobody’sgotmuchthebetterofmeinthelasttwentyyears。
ALICE:
Haveyoubeenaburglartwentyyears?Youmusthavebegunveryyoung。Ican’tseeyourfaceverywell,butIshouldn’tsayyouwere——overforty。Dotakethatmaskoff。Itlooksso——unsociable。
Don’tbeafraidofme。I’veaperfectlyshockingmemoryforfaces。
Now,I’msurethatunderthatunbecomingandterrifyingexterioryouarehidingakindandfatherlycountenance。AmIright?
(Laughs。)
Whydoyouwearit?
HATCH:
(roughly)
Tokeepmyfacewarm。
ALICE:
Oh,pardonme,mymistake。
(Alocomotivewhistleisheardatadistance。ALICElistenseagerly。Asthewhistlediesawayandisnotrepeated,herfaceshowsherdisappointment。)
HATCH:
Whatwasthat?There’snotrainsthistimeofnight。
ALICE:
(speakingpartlytoherself)
Itwasafreighttrain,goingtheotherway。
HATCH:
(suspiciously)
Theotherway?Theotherwayfromwhere?
ALICE:
Fromwhereitstarted。Doyouknow,I’vealwayswantedtomeetaburglar。Butit’ssodifficult。Theygooutsoseldom。
HATCH:
Yes,andtheyarrivesolate。
ALICE:
(laughingly)
Now,that’smuchbetter。It’ssoniceofyoutohaveasenseofhumor。Whileyou’rethere,justclosethoseblinds,please,sothattheneighborscan’tseewhatscandaloushourswekeep。Andthenyoucanmakealight。Thisismuchtoogloomyforasupperparty。
HATCH:
(closingshutters)
Yes,ifthosewereshutitmightbesafer。
(Heclosesshuttersandturnsonthetwoelectriclights。REDDY
andHARRYenter,carryingplates。)
HARRY:
Wearen’tregularwaiters,miss,butwethinkwe’reprettygoodforamateurs。
REDDY:
Wehaven’tforgotnothing。Notevennapkins。Havesomenapkins?
(PlacesapileoffoldednapkinsinfrontofALICE。Thensitsatheadoftable,HARRYtolowerrightoftable。ALICEmovesherchairawayfromthetable,butkeepingREDDYonherright。HATCH
sitsstillfurtherawayfromthetableonherleft。)
ALICE:
Thanks。Puttheplatesdownthere。AndmayIhelpyoutosome——
REDDY:
(takingfoodinfingers)
Oh,we’llhelpourselves。
ALICE:
Ofcourseyou’reaccustomedtohelpingyourselves,aren’tyou?
(ToHATCH。)
Won’tyoujointhem?
HATCH:
No。
(Throughthescenewhichfollows,REDDYandHARRYcontinuetoeatanddrinkheartily。)
ALICE:
No?Well,then,whilethey’rehavingsupper,youandIwilltalk。
Ifyou’regoingtogagmesoon,IwanttotalkwhileIcan。
(Risesandhandsboxtohim。)
Haveacigar?
HATCH:
(takescigar)
Thanks。
ALICE:
(standingwithhandonbackofchair)
Now,Iwanttoaskyousomequestions。Youareanintelligentman。
Ofcourse,youmustbe,oryoucouldn’thavekeptoutofjailfortwentyyears。Togetoninyourbusiness,amanmustbeintelligent,andhemusthavenerve,andcourage。Now——withthosequalities,why,mayIask——whyareyousostupidastobeaburglar?
HARRY:
Stupid!
REDDY:
Well,Ilikethat!
HATCH:
Stupid?Why,Imakealivingatit。
ALICE:
Howmuchofaliving?
HATCH:
Tenthousandayear。
ALICE:
Tenthousand——well,supposeyoumadeFIFTYthousand。WhatgoodisevenahundredthousandforONEyear,iftogetityouriskgoingtoprisonfortwentyyears?That’snotsensible。Merelyasabusinessproposition,totaketheriskyoudofortenthousanddollarsisstupidisn’tit?Icanunderstandaman’sriskingtwentyyearsofhislifeforsomethings——amanlikePearyorDewey,orSantos—Dumont。Theytookbigrisksforbigprizes。Butthere’sthousandsofmeninthiscountry,nothalfascleverasyouare,earningtenthousandayear——withoutanyriskofgoingtojail。NoneofTHEMisafraidtogooutinpublicwithhiswifeandchildren。THEY’REnotafraidtoaskapolicemanwhattimeitis。
Theydon’thavetowearblackmasks,norruintheirbeautifulcomplexionswithburntcork。
REDDY:
Ah,goon。Who’dgiveMEajob?
ALICE:
Whomdidyoueveraskforone?
REDDY:
(toHARRY)
Passmesomemoreofthatpielikemotherusedtomake。
HATCH:
Yes,thereareclerksandshopkeepersworkingbehindacountertwenty—fourhoursaday,buttheydon’tmaketenthousandayear,andnooneeverhearsofTHEM。There’snoFAMEintheirjob。
ALICE:
Fame!Oh,howinteresting。Areyou——acelebrity?
HATCH:
I’mquiteaswellknownasIcaretobe。Now,tomorrow,allthepaperswillbetalkingaboutthis。There’llbecolumnsaboutusthree。Noonewillknowwearetheonesthey’retalkingabout——
REDDY:
Ihopenot。
HATCH:
Butthemeninourprofessionwillknow。Andthey’llsay,\"ThatwasaneatjobofSo—and—so’slastnight。\"That’sfame。Why,we’vegotareputationfromoneendofthiscountrytotheother。
HARRY:
That’sright!There’ssomeofusjustaswellknownas——Mister——
Santos——Dumont。
REDDY:
Andweflyjustashigh,too。
ALICE:
(toHATCH)
IsupposeYOU——Isupposeyou’requiteaFAMOUSburglar?
REDDY:
Him?Why,he’saswellknownasBillytheKid。
ALICE:
Billythekid,really!HesoundsSOattractive。ButI’mafraid——I
don’tthink——thatIeverheardofHIM。
REDDY:
NeverheardofBillytheKid?Whatdoyouthinkofthat?
HATCH:
Well,then,I’maswellknownas\"Brace\"Phillips,theManhattanBankrobber。
REDDY:
SUREheis。
HATCH:
Don’ttellmeyouneverheardofhim?
ALICE:
I’mafraidnot。
HATCH:
Why,he’sahead—liner。He’saswellknownasGeorgePost。CoppyFarrell?BillyPorter?
ALICE:
No。Thereyouare。Now,youclaimthereisfameinthisprofession,andyouhavenamedfivemenwhoareatthetopofit,andI’veneverheardofoneofthem。AndIreadthepapers,too。
REDDY:
Well,there’sOTHERladieswhohaveheardofus。Realladies。
WhenIwasdoingmylastbitinjail,Igotathousandlettersfromladiesaskingformephotograph,andofferingtomarryme。
ALICE:
Really?Well,thatonlyprovesthatmen——ASHUSBANDS——aremoredesirableinjailthanout。
(ToHATCH)
No,it’sapoorlife。
HATCH:
It’sapoorlifeyoupeopleleadwithustoworryyou。There’sseventymillionsofyouintheUnitedStates,andonlyafewofus,andyetwekeepyouguessingalltheyearround。Why,we’rethelastthingyouthinkofatnightwhenyoulockthedoors,we’rethefirstthingyouthinkofinthemorningwhenyoufeelforthesilverbasket。We’rejustafewupagainstseventymillions。I
tellyouthere’sfameandbigmoneyandafreelifeinmybusiness。
ALICE:
Yes,it’safreelifeuntilyougotojail。It’sthisway。You’rebarbarians,andthere’snoplaceforyouinacivilizedcommunity——
exceptinjail。Everybodyisworkingagainstyou。Everycityhasitspoliceforce;almosteveryhousenowadayshasaprivatewatchman。Andifwewanttoraiseahueandcryafteryou,therearethenewspapers,andthetelegraph,andthetelephone(nodsattelephone)
andthecablesalloverthe——
HATCH:
(Grimly)
Thankyou。Onemoment,please。
(Throwsopenovercoat,showingthatitislinedwithburglars’
jimmies,chisels,andaugers……)
ALICE:
My!Whataninterestingcoat。Itlookslikeatoolchest。Justthecoatforanautomobiletrip。
HATCH:
Harry,cutthosetelephonewires。
(Handsbarbed—wirecuttertoHARRY。ToALICE)
Thankyouforremindingme。
ALICE:
Oh,notatall。You’venothingtothankmefor。
(HARRYgoestotelephone。ToHARRY)
Don’tmakeanoisedoingthat。Don’twakemymother。
(ToHATCH)
She’snervous,andshe’sill,andifyouwakeher,orfrightenher,I’llkeepthepoliceafteryouuntileveryoneofyouisinjail。
HATCH:
Youwon’tkeepafterusveryfarwhenI’vetiedyouup。Bringmethosecurtaincords,Harry。
ALICE:
Oh,really,that’stooridiculous。
(Listensapprehensively)
HATCH:
SorryIhadtobustupyourstillalarm,butafterwego,wecan’thaveyouchattingwiththepolice。Ifyouhadn’tsokindlygivenmeatipaboutthetelephone,Imighthavegoneoffandcleanforgotthat。
(HARRYtakescurtaincordsfromwindowcurtains。)
REDDY:
I’mafraidprettypollytalkedtoomuchthattime。Weain’tallstupid。
ALICE:
No,soIsee,soIsee。Itwascarelessofme。Buteverybodyyoucalluponmaynotbesocareless。
HATCH:
Well,I’vewonoutfortwentyyears。I’veneverbeeninjail。
ALICE:
Don’tworry。You’reyoung。Itoldyouyoulookedyoung。Yourtimeiscoming。Inthesedaysthere’snoroomforburglars。Youbelongtothedaysofstage—coaches。You’reold—fashionednow。
You’retryingtofightcivilization,that’swhatyou’retryingtodo。Youmaykeepaheadforatime,butinalongraceI’llbackcivilizationtowin。
HATCH:
Isthatso?Well,MissCivilization,you’vehadyoursay,andI
hopeyoufeelbetter。
(ToHARRY)
Givemethatsilkmufflerofyours。
(ToALICE)
Ifcivilizationisgoingtohelpyou,it’sgottohurry。
ALICE:
Youdon’tmeantosayyoureallyaregoingtogagme?
HATCH:
Iam。
ALICE:
My!ButIshalllooksilly。
(Withherfaceturnedrightshelistensapprehensively。)
HARRY:
(Comingdownwithcurtaincords,andtakingmufflerfromhispocket)
I’vegotthestuffinthismuffler。
HATCH:
Well,givemethat,too。
(Showsinsidecoatpocket)
I’llputitinthesafe。
(HARRYplacesmufflerontable,exposingjewelry。)
HATCH:
(beginsplacingtheornamentsoneatatimeinhispocket。ToALICE。)
Whatisit?Whatdidyouhear?
ALICE:
I——IthoughtIheardmymothermovingabout。
HATCH:
Well,she’dbetternotmoveabout。
ALICE:
(Fiercely)
You’dbetternotwakeher。
(Seesthejewels。)
Oh!Lookatthe\"graft,\"orisit\"swag?\"Whichisit?
HATCH:
(ToHARRY)
Coveremup;coveritup。
(HARRYtriestohidethejewelswithonehand,whilehepassesalady’swatchtoHATCH。)
HARRY:
(toALICE)
That’sYOURwatch。I’msorryithastogo。
ALICE:
I’mnot。It’sthefirsttimeiteverdidgo。And,oh,thankyoufortakingthatbigbrooch。It’sagiftoffather’s,soIhadtowearit,butit’ssounbecoming。
(Shelistenscovertly。)
HATCH:
Putyourhatonthem。Coverthemup。
(HARRYpartlycoversjewelswithhishat。
HATCHliftsadiamondnecklace。)
ALICE:
Isupposeyouknowyourownbusiness——butTHATISPASTE。
HATCH:
DoyouwanttobegaggedNOW?
ALICE:
Pardonme,ofcourseyouknowwhatyouwant。
(Noticesanothernecklace。)
Oh,thatMrs。Warren’snecklace!Soyoucalledonher,too,didyou?Isn’tsheattractive!
REDDY:
Wedidn’taskfortheladyofthehouse。Theyain’talwaysassociableasyouare。
ALICE:
Well,that’shernecklace。Yougotthatatthehouseonthehillwiththeredroof——thehousehastheredroof,notthehill。
(Sherecognizes,withanexclamation,agoldlocketandchainwhichHATCHisabouttoplaceinhispocket。)
Oh!That’sMrs。Lowell’slocket!Howcouldyou!
(ShesnatcheslocketfromHATCH,andclaspsitinbothhands。Sherisesindignantly。)
Howdaredyoutakethat!
HATCH:
Putthatdown!
ALICE:
(wildlyandrapidly)
No,Iwillnot。Doyouknowwhatthatmeanstothatwoman?Shecaresmoreforthatthanforanythinginthisworld。Herhusbandusedtowearthis。
(Points。)
That’salockoftheirchild’shair。Thechild’sdead,andthehusband’sdead,andthat’sallshehasleftofeitherofthem。AndyouTOOKit,YOUBRUTES!
REDDY:
Ofcoursewetookit。Whydoesshewearitwhereeverybodycanseeit?
HATCH:
(savagely)
Keepquiet,youfool。
ALICE:
SheWOREit?Youtookit——FROMHER?
HATCH:
Wedidn’thurther。Weonlyfrightenedherabit。
(Angrily。)
Andwe’llfrightenyoubeforewe’redonewithyou,MissCivilization!
ALICE:
(defiantly,hervoicerising)
Frightenme!You——youwithyourfacescovered!You’renotmenenough。You’reafraidtoevenstealfrommen。YourobWOMENwhenthey’realone——atnight。
(Holdsuplocket。)
Trytotakethatfromme!
VOICE:
(calling)
Alice——Alice!
ALICE:
Mother!Oh,Iforgot,Iforgot。
(Theburglarsriseandmovetowardhermenacingly。)
Please,pleasekeepquiet。ForGod’ssake,don’t——let——her——know!
VOICE:
Alice,what’swrong?Whoareyoutalkingto?
(ALICErunstothecurtains,withonehandheldouttotheburglars,entreatingsilence。)
ALICE:
I’m——I’mtalkingtoJames,thecoachman。Oneofthehorsesisill。
Don’tcomedown,mother。Don’tcomedown。Gobacktobed。He’sgoingnow,rightaway。Hecameforsomemedicine。It’sallright。
Goodnight,mother。
VOICE:
Can’tIhelp?
ALICE:
(Vehemently)
No,no。Goodnight,mother。
VOICE:
Goodnight。
HATCH:
(fiercely,toHARRY)
That’senoughofthis!Wecan’tleaveherewiththewholehouseawake。Andthere’sacoachman,too。She’llwakehimnext。He’llhavethewholedamnedvillageafterus。
(ToALICE)
Thatwomanupstairsandyouhavegottohaveyourtonguesstopped。
ALICE:
(standinginfrontofcurtains)
Youtrytogonearthatwoman!She’sill,she’sfeeble,she’smy——
mother!Youdaretotouchher。
HATCH:
Getoutofmyway。
ALICE:
She’sill,youcowards。Itwillkillher。You’llhavetokillmebeforeyougetthroughthisdoor。
HATCH:
(savagely)
Well,then,ifitcomestothat——
(Threelocomotivewhistlesareheardfromjustoutsidethehouse。
ALICEthrowsupherhandshysterically。)
ALICE:
Ah!Atlast!They’vecome。They’vecome!
HATCH:
(fiercely)
They’vecome!Whatisit?Whatdoesthatmean?
(REDDYrunstowindowandopenstheshutters。)
ALICE:
(jubilantly)
Itmeans——itmeansthattwentymenarecrossingthatlawn。Itmeansthatwhileyousatdrinkingthere,Civilizationwasracingtowardyouatseventymilesanhour!
HATCH:
Damnation!We’retrapped。Gettothewagon——quick!No。Leavethegirlalone。We’venotimeforthat。Dropthatstuff。Thatway。Thatway。
REDDY:
(atwindow)
No。Getback!Getback!It’stoolate。There’shundredsofthemoutthere。
HATCH:
(runningtocentredoor)
Outhere!Thisway!Quick!
ALICE:
(mockingly)
Yes,come!Youdon’tdarecomethiswayNOW!
(Shedragsopenthecurtains,disclosingCAPTAINLUCASandtwootherpolicemen。Foraninstanttheystand,coveringtheburglarswithrevolvers。REDDYrunstowindow。Heisseizedbyanenteringcrowdofmenintheoil—stainedbluejeansofengineersandbrakemen。)
CAPTAINLUCAS:
Holdupyourhands,allofyou!IguessIknowyou。
(WithhislefthandhetearsoffHATCH’Smask。)
\"Joe\"Hatch——atlast。
(PullsoffHARRY’Smask。)
AndHarryHayes。Ithoughtso。Andthat’s——the\"Kid。\"Thewholegang。
(Tothepolice。)
Goodwork,boys。
(ToALICE)
Mycongratulations,MissGardner。They’retheworstlotinthecountry。You’reabraveyounglady。Youought——
ALICE:
(speakingwithaneffortandswayingslightly)
Hush,please。Don’t——don’talarmmymother。Mother’snotasstrongas——asIam。
(Hereyesclose,andshefaintsacrossthearmoftheChiefofPoliceastheCURTAINFALLS。)