CONTENTS：
HOWTOTELLASTORY
THEWOUNDEDSOLDIER
THEGOLDENARM
MENTALTELEGRAPHYAGAIN
THEINVALIDSSTORY
HOWTOTELLASTORY
TheHumorousStoryanAmericanDevelopment。——ItsDifferencefromComicandWittyStories。
IdonotclaimthatIcantellastoryasitoughttobetold。Ionlyclaimtoknowhowastoryoughttobetold，forIhavebeenalmostdailyinthecompanyofthemostexpertstory—tellersformanyyears。
Thereareseveralkindsofstories，butonlyonedifficultkind——thehumorous。Iwilltalkmainlyaboutthatone。ThehumorousstoryisAmerican，thecomicstoryisEnglish，thewittystoryisFrench。Thehumorousstorydependsforitseffectuponthemannerofthetelling；
thecomicstoryandthewittystoryuponthematter。
Thehumorousstorymaybespunouttogreatlength，andmaywanderaroundasmuchasitpleases，andarrivenowhereinparticular；butthecomicandwittystoriesmustbebriefandendwithapoint。Thehumorousstorybubblesgentlyalong，theothersburst。
Thehumorousstoryisstrictlyaworkofart——highanddelicateart——
andonlyanartistcantellit；butnoartisnecessaryintellingthecomicandthewittystory；anybodycandoit。Theartoftellingahumorousstory——understand，Imeanbywordofmouth，notprint——wascreatedinAmerica，andhasremainedathome。
Thehumorousstoryistoldgravely；thetellerdoeshisbesttoconcealthefactthatheevendimlysuspectsthatthereisanythingfunnyaboutit；butthetellerofthecomicstorytellsyoubeforehandthatitisoneofthefunniestthingshehaseverheard，thentellsitwitheagerdelight，andisthefirstpersontolaughwhenhegetsthrough。Andsometimes，ifhehashadgoodsuccess，heissogladandhappythathewillrepeatthe\"nub\"ofitandglancearoundfromfacetoface，collectingapplause，andthenrepeatitagain。Itisapatheticthingtosee。
Veryoften，ofcourse，theramblinganddisjointedhumorousstoryfinisheswithanub，point，snapper，orwhateveryouliketocallit。
Thenthelistenermustbealert，forinmanycasesthetellerwilldivertattentionfromthatnubbydroppingitinacarefullycasualandindifferentway，withthepretencethathedoesnotknowitisanub。
ArtemusWardusedthattrickagooddeal；thenwhenthebelatedaudiencepresentlycaughtthejokehewouldlookupwithinnocentsurprise，asifwonderingwhattheyhadfoundtolaughat。DanSetchelluseditbeforehim，NyeandRileyandothersuseitto—day。
Butthetellerofthecomicstorydoesnotslurthenub；heshoutsitatyou——everytime。Andwhenheprintsit，inEngland，France，Germany，andItaly，heitalicizesit，putssomewhoopingexclamation—pointsafterit，andsometimesexplainsitinaparenthesis。Allofwhichisverydepressing，andmakesonewanttorenouncejokingandleadabetterlife。
Letmesetdownaninstanceofthecomicmethod，usingananecdotewhichhasbeenpopularallovertheworldfortwelveorfifteenhundredyears。
Thetellertellsitinthisway：
THEWOUNDEDSOLDIER。
Inthecourseofacertainbattleasoldierwhoseleghadbeenshotoffappealedtoanothersoldierwhowashurryingbytocarryhimtotherear，informinghimatthesametimeofthelosswhichhehadsustained；
whereuponthegeneroussonofMars，shoulderingtheunfortunate，proceededtocarryouthisdesire。Thebulletsandcannon—ballswereflyinginalldirections，andpresentlyoneofthelattertookthewoundedman’sheadoff——without，however，hisdelivererbeingawareofit。Inno—longtimehewashailedbyanofficer，whosaid：
\"Whereareyougoingwiththatcarcass？\"
\"Totherear，sir——he’slosthisleg！\"
\"Hisleg，forsooth？\"respondedtheastonishedofficer；\"youmeanhishead，youbooby。\"
Whereuponthesoldierdispossessedhimselfofhisburden，andstoodlookingdownuponitingreatperplexity。Atlengthhesaid：
\"Itistrue，sir，justasyouhavesaid。\"Thenafterapauseheadded，\"ButheTOLDmeITWASHISLEG！！！！！\"
Herethenarratorburstsintoexplosionafterexplosionofthunderoushorse—laughter，repeatingthatnubfromtimetotimethroughhisgaspingsandshriekingsandsuffocatings。
Ittakesonlyaminuteandahalftotellthatinitscomic—storyform；
andisn’tworththetelling，afterall。Putintothehumorous—storyformittakestenminutes，andisaboutthefunniestthingIhaveeverlistenedto——asJamesWhitcombRileytellsit。
Hetellsitinthecharacterofadull—wittedoldfarmerwhohasjusthearditforthefirsttime，thinksitisunspeakablyfunny，andistryingtorepeatittoaneighbor。Buthecan’trememberit；sohegetsallmixedupandwandershelplesslyroundandround，puttingintediousdetailsthatdon’tbelonginthetaleandonlyretardit；takingthemoutconscientiouslyandputtinginothersthatarejustasuseless；makingminormistakesnowandthenandstoppingtocorrectthemandexplainhowhecametomakethem；rememberingthingswhichheforgottoputinintheirproperplaceandgoingbacktoputtheminthere；stoppinghisnarrativeagoodwhileinordertotrytorecallthenameofthesoldierthatwashurt，andfinallyrememberingthatthesoldier’snamewasnotmentioned，andremarkingplacidlythatthenameisofnorealimportance，anyway——better，ofcourse，ifoneknewit，butnotessential，afterall——
andsoon，andsoon，andsoon。
Thetellerisinnocentandhappyandpleasedwithhimself，andhastostopeverylittlewhiletoholdhimselfinandkeepfromlaughingoutright；anddoesholdin，buthisbodyquakesinajelly—likewaywithinteriorchuckles；andattheendofthetenminutestheaudiencehavelaugheduntiltheyareexhausted，andthetearsarerunningdowntheirfaces。
Thesimplicityandinnocenceandsincerityandunconsciousnessoftheoldfarmerareperfectlysimulated，andtheresultisaperformancewhichisthoroughlycharminganddelicious。Thisisartandfineandbeautiful，andonlyamastercancompassit；butamachinecouldtelltheotherstory。
Tostringincongruitiesandabsurditiestogetherinawanderingandsometimespurposelessway，andseeminnocentlyunawarethattheyareabsurdities，isthebasisoftheAmericanart，ifmypositioniscorrect。
Anotherfeatureistheslurringofthepoint。Athirdisthedroppingofastudiedremarkapparentlywithoutknowingit，asifonewerethinkingaloud。Thefourthandlastisthepause。
ArtemusWarddealtinnumbersthreeandfouragooddeal。Hewouldbegintotellwithgreatanimationsomethingwhichheseemedtothinkwaswonderful；thenloseconfidence，andafteranapparentlyabsent—mindedpauseaddanincongruousremarkinasoliloquizingway；andthatwastheremarkintendedtoexplodethemine——anditdid。
Forinstance，hewouldsayeagerly，excitedly，\"IonceknewamaninNewZealandwhohadn’tatoothinhishead\"——herehisanimationwoulddieout；asilent，reflectivepausewouldfollow，thenhewouldsaydreamily，andasiftohimself，\"andyetthatmancouldbeatadrumbetterthananymanIeversaw。\"
Thepauseisanexceedinglyimportantfeatureinanykindofstory，andafrequentlyrecurringfeature，too。Itisadaintything，anddelicate，andalsouncertainandtreacherous；foritmustbeexactlytherightlength——nomoreandnoless——oritfailsofitspurposeandmakestrouble。Ifthepauseistooshorttheimpressivepointispassed，and[andiftoolong]theaudiencehavehadtimetodivinethatasurpriseisintended——andthenyoucan’tsurprisethem，ofcourse。
OntheplatformIusedtotellanegroghoststorythathadapauseinfrontofthesnapperontheend，andthatpausewasthemostimportantthinginthewholestory。IfIgotittherightlengthprecisely，I
couldspringthefinishingejaculationwitheffectenoughtomakesomeimpressiblegirldeliverastartledlittleyelpandjumpoutofherseat——andthatwaswhatIwasafter。Thisstorywascalled\"TheGoldenArm，\"
andwastoldinthisfashion。Youcanpractisewithityourself——andmindyoulookoutforthepauseandgetitright。
THEGOLDENARM。
Once’ponatimedeywuzamonsusmeanman，enhelive’wayoutindeprairieall’lonebyhisself，’cep’nhehadawife。Enbimebyshedied，enhetuckentotedherwayoutdahindeprairieenburiedher。Well，shehadagoldenarm——allsolidgold，fumdeshoulderdown。Hewuzpow’fulmean——pow’ful；endatnighthecouldn’tsleep，Gazehewantdatgoldenarmsobad。
Whenitcomemidnighthecouldn’tstan’itnomo’；sohegitup，hedid，entuckhislanternenshovedoutthoodestormendugherupengotdegoldenarm；enhebenthisheaddown’gindewin’，enplowedenplowedenplowedthoodesnow。Denallonasuddenhestop（makeaconsiderablepausehere，andlookstartled，andtakealisteningattitude）ensay：
\"MyLAN’，what’sdat！\"
Enhelisten——enlisten——endewin’say（setyourteethtogetherandimitatethewailingandwheezingsingsongofthewind），\"Bzzz—z—zzz\"———
enden，waybackyonderwhahdegraveis，hehearavoice！hehearavoiceallmix’upindewin’can’thardlytell’em’part——\"Bzzz—zzz——
W—h—o——g—o—t——m—y——g—o—l—d—e—narm？——zzz——zzz——W—h—og—o—tm—yg—o—l—
d—e—narm！\"（Youmustbegintoshiverviolentlynow。）
Enhebegintoshiverenshake，ensay，\"Oh，my！OH，mylan’！\"endewin’blowdelanternout，endesnowensleetblowinhisfaceenmos’
chokehim，enhestarta—plowin’knee—deeptowardshomemos’dead，hesosk’yerd——enpootysoonheheardevoiceagin，en（pause）it’uscomin’
afterhim！\"Bzzz——zzz——zzz——W—h—o——g—o—tm—y——g—o—l—d—e—n——arm？\"
Whenhegittodepasturehehearitaginclosternow，ena—comin’！——
a—comin’backdahindedarkendestorm——（repeatthewindandthevoice）。Whenhegittodehouseherushup—stairsenjumpindebedenkiverup，headandyears，enlaydahshiverin’enshakin’——endenwayoutdahhehearitagin！——ena—comin’！Enbimebyhehear（pause——awed，listeningattitude）——pat——pat——pat——hit’sacomin’up—stairs！Denheheardelatch，enheknowit’sinderoom！
Denpootysoonheknowit’sa—stannin’bydebed！（Pause。）Den——heknowit’sa—bendin’downoverhim——enhecain’tskaselygithisbreath！Den——
den——heseemtofeelsometh’nc—o—l—d，rightdown’mostaginhishead！
（Pause。）
Dendevoicesay，rightathisyear——\"W—h—og—o—t——m—y——g—o—l—d—e—narm？\"（Youmustwailitoutveryplaintivelyandaccusingly；thenyoustaresteadilyandimpressivelyintothefaceofthefarthest—goneauditor——agirl，preferably——andletthatawe—inspiringpausebegintobuilditselfinthedeephush。Whenithasreachedexactlytherightlength，jumpsuddenlyatthatgirlandyell，\"You’vegotit！\"
Ifyou’vegotthepauseright，she’llfetchadearlittleyelpandspringrightoutofhershoes。Butyoumustgetthepauseright；andyouwillfinditthemosttroublesomeandaggravatinganduncertainthingyoueverundertook。
MENTALTELEGRAPHYAGAIN
Ihavethreeorfourcuriousincidentstotellabout。TheyseemtocomeundertheheadofwhatInamed\"MentalTelegraphy\"inapaperwrittenseventeenyearsago，andpublishedlongafterwards。——[Thepaperentitled\"MentalTelegraphy，\"whichoriginallyappearedinHarper’sMagazineforDecember，1893，isincludedinthevolumeentitledTheAmericanClaimantandOtherStoriesandSketches。]
SeveralyearsagoImadeacampaignontheplatformwithMr。GeorgeW。
Cable。InMontrealwewerehonoredwithareception。Itbeganattwointheafternooninalongdrawing—roomintheWindsorHotel。Mr。CableandIstoodatoneendofthisroom，andtheladiesandgentlemenentereditattheotherend，crosseditatthatend，thencameupthelongleft—handside，shookhandswithus，saidawordortwo，andpassedon，intheusualway。Mysightisofthetelescopicsort，andIpresentlyrecognizedafamiliarfaceamongthethrongofstrangersdriftinginatthedistantdoor，andIsaidtomyself，withsurpriseandhighgratification，\"ThatisMrs。R。；IhadforgottenthatshewasaCanadian。\"ShehadbeenagreatfriendofmineinCarsonCity，Nevada，intheearlydays。Ihadnotseenherorheardofherfortwentyyears；
Ihadnotbeenthinkingabouther；therewasnothingtosuggesthertome，nothingtobringhertomymind；infact，tomeshehadlongagoceasedtoexist，andhaddisappearedfrommyconsciousness。ButIknewherinstantly；andIsawhersoclearlythatIwasabletonotesomeoftheparticularsofherdress，anddidnotethem，andtheyremainedinmymind。Iwasimpatientforhertocome。Inthemidstofthehand—
shakingsIsnatchedglimpsesofherandnotedherprogresswiththeslow—
movingfileacrosstheendoftheroom；thenIsawherstartuptheside，andthisgavemeafullfrontviewofherface。Isawherlastwhenshewaswithintwenty—fivefeetofme。ForanhourIkeptthinkingshemuststillbeintheroomsomewhereandwouldcomeatlast，butIwasdisappointed。
WhenIarrivedinthelecture—hallthateveningsomeonesaid：\"Comeintothewaiting—room；there’safriendofyourstherewhowantstoseeyou。
You’llnotbeintroduced——youaretodotherecognizingwithouthelpifyoucan。\"
Isaidtomyself：\"ItisMrs。R。；Ishan’thaveanytrouble。\"
Therewereperhapstenladiespresent，allseated。InthemidstofthemwasMrs。R。，asIhadexpected。ShewasdressedexactlyasshewaswhenIhadseenherintheafternoon。Iwentforwardandshookhandswithherandcalledherbyname，andsaid：
\"Iknewyouthemomentyouappearedatthereceptionthisafternoon。\"
Shelookedsurprised，andsaid：\"ButIwasnotatthereception。IhavejustarrivedfromQuebec，andhavenotbeenintownanhour。\"
Itwasmyturntobesurprisednow。Isaid：\"Ican’thelpit。IgiveyoumywordofhonorthatitisasIsay。Isawyouatthereception，andyouweredressedpreciselyasyouarenow。WhentheytoldmeamomentagothatIshouldfindafriendinthisroom，yourimagerosebeforeme，dressandall，justasIhadseenyouatthereception。\"
Thosearethefacts。Shewasnotatthereceptionatall，oranywherenearit；butIsawhertherenevertheless，andmostclearlyandunmistakably。TothatIcouldmakeoath。Howisonetoexplainthis？I
wasnotthinkingofheratthetime；hadnotthoughtofherforyears。
Butshehadbeenthinkingofme，nodoubt；didherthoughtsflitthroughleaguesofairtome，andbringwithitthatclearandpleasantvisionofherself？Ithinkso。Thatwasandremainsmysoleexperienceinthematterofapparitions——Imeanapparitionsthatcomewhenoneis（ostensibly）awake。Icouldhavebeenasleepforamoment；theapparitioncouldhavebeenthecreatureofadream。Still，thatisnothingtothepoint；thefeatureofinterestisthehappeningofthethingjustatthattime，insteadofatanearlierorlatertime，whichisargumentthatitsoriginlayinthought—transference。
Mynextincidentwillbesetasidebymostpersonsasbeingmerelya\"coincidence，\"Isuppose。YearsagoIusedtothinksometimesofmakingalecturingtripthroughtheantipodesandthebordersoftheOrient，butalwaysgaveuptheidea，partlybecauseofthegreatlengthofthejourneyandpartlybecausemywifecouldnotwellmanagetogowithme。TowardstheendoflastJanuarythatidea，afteranintervalofyears，camesuddenlyintomyheadagain——forcefully，too，andwithoutanyapparentreason。Whencecameit？Whatsuggestedit？Iwilltouchuponthatpresently。
IwasatthattimewhereIamnow——inParis。IwroteatoncetoHenryM。
Stanley（London），andaskedhimsomequestionsabouthisAustralianlecturetour，andinquiredwhohadconductedhimandwhatweretheterms。
Afteradayortwohisanswercame。Itbegan：
\"ThelectureagentforAustraliaandNewZealandisparexcellenceMr。R。S。Smythe，ofMelbourne。\"
Headdedhisitinerary，terms，seaexpenses，andsomeothermatters，andadvisedmetowriteMr。Smythe，whichIdid——February3d。IbeganmyletterbysayinginsubstancethatwhilehedidnotknowmepersonallywehadamutualfriendinStanley，andthatwouldanswerforanintroduction。ThenIproposedmytrip，andaskedifhewouldgivemethesametermswhichhehadgivenStanley。
ImailedmylettertoMr。SmytheFebruary6th，andthreedayslaterIgotaletterfromtheselfsameSmythe，datedMelbourne，December17th。I
wouldassoonhaveexpectedtogetaletterfromthelateGeorgeWashington。Theletterbegansomewhatasminetohimhadbegun——withaself—introduction：
DEARMR。CLEMENS，——ItissolongsinceArchibaldForbesandI
spentthatpleasantafternooninyourcomfortablehouseatHartfordthatyouhaveprobablyquiteforgottentheoccasion。\"
Inthecourseofhisletterthisoccurs：
\"Iamwillingtogiveyou\"[herebenamedthetermswhichhehadgivenStanley]\"foranantipodeantourtolast，say，threemonths。\"
HerewasthesingleessentialdetailofmyletteransweredthreedaysafterIhadmailedmyinquiry。Imighthavesavedmyselfthetroubleandthepostage——andafewyearsagoIwouldhavedonethatverything，forI
wouldhavearguedthatmysuddenandstrongimpulsetowriteandasksomequestionsofastrangerontheundersideoftheglobemeantthattheimpulsecamefromthatstranger，andthathewouldanswermyquestionsofhisownmotionifIwouldlethimalone。
Mr。Smythe’sletterprobablypassedundermynoseonitswaytolosethreeweekstravelingtoAmericaandback，andgavemeawhiffofitscontentsasitwentalong。Lettersoftenactlikethat。InsteadofthethoughtcomingtoyouinaninstantfromAustralia，the（apparently）
unsentientletterimpartsittoyouasitglidesinvisiblypastyourelbowinthemail—bag。
Nextincident。Inthefollowingmonth——March——IwasinAmerica。IspentaSundayatIrvington—on—the—HudsonwithMr。JohnBrisbenWalker，oftheCosmopolitanmagazine。WecameintoNewYorknextmorning，andwenttotheCenturyClubforluncheon。Hesaidsomepraisefulthingsaboutthecharacteroftheclubandtheorderlyserenityandpleasantnessofitsquarters，andaskedifIhadnevertriedtoacquiremembershipinit。
IsaidIhadnot，andthatNewYorkclubswereacontinuousexpensetothecountrymemberswithoutbeingoffrequentuseorbenefittothem。
\"AndnowI’vegotanidea！\"saidI。\"There’stheLotos——thefirstNewYorkclubIwaseveramemberof——myveryearliestloveinthatline。
Ihavebeenamemberofitforconsiderablymorethantwentyyears，yethaveseldomhadachancetolookinandseetheboys。TheyturngrayandgrowoldwhileIamnotwatching。Andmyduesgoon。IamgoingtoHartfordthisafternoonforadayortwo，butassoonasIgetbackI
willgotoJohnElderkinveryprivatelyandsay：’Remembertheveteranandconferdistinctionuponhim，forthesakeofoldtimes。Makemeanhonorarymemberandabolishthetax。Ifyouhaven’tanysuchthingashonorarymembership，allthebetter——createitformyhonorandglory。’
Thatwouldbeagreatthing；IwillgotoJohnElderkinassoonasIgetbackfromHartford。\"
Itookthelastexpressthatafternoon，firsttelegraphingMr。F。G。
Whitmoretocomeandseemenextday。Whenhecameheasked：\"DidyougetaletterfromMr。JohnElderkin，secretaryoftheLotosClub，beforeyouleftNewYork？\"
\"Thenitjustmissedyou。IfIhadknownyouwerecomingIwouldhavekeptit。Itisbeautiful，andwillmakeyouproud。TheBoardofDirectors，byunanimousvote，havemadeyoualifemember，andsquelchedthosedues；and，youaretobeonhandandreceiveyourdistinctiononthenightofthe30th，whichisthetwenty—fifthanniversaryofthefoundingoftheclub，anditwillnotsurprisemeiftheyhavesomegreattimesthere。\"
WhatputthehonorarymembershipinmyheadthatdayintheCenturyClub？
forIhadneverthoughtofitbefore。Idon’tknowwhatbroughtthethoughttomeatthatparticulartimeinsteadofearlier，butIamwellsatisfiedthatitoriginatedwiththeBoardofDirectors，andhadbeenonitswaytomybrainthroughtheaireversincethemomentthatsawtheirvoterecorded。
Anotherincident。IwasinHartfordtwoorthreedaysasaguestoftheRev。JosephH。Twichell。IhaveheldtherankofHonoraryUncletohischildrenforaquarterofacentury，andIwentoutwithhiminthetrolley—cartovisitoneofmynieces，whoisatMissPorter’sfamousschoolinFarmington。Thedistanceiseightorninemiles。Ontheway，talking，Iillustratedsomethingwithananecdote。Thisistheanecdote：
TwoyearsandahalfagoIandthefamilyarrivedatMilanonourwaytoRome，andstoppedattheContinental。AfterdinnerIwentbelowandtookaseatinthestone—pavedcourt，wherethecustomarylemon—treesstandinthecustomarytubs，andsaidtomyself，\"Nowthisiscomfort，comfortandrepose，andnobodytodisturbit；IdonotknowanybodyinMilan。\"
Thenayounggentlemansteppedupandshookhands，whichdamagedmytheory。Hesaid，insubstance：
\"Youwon’trememberme，Mr。Clemens，butIrememberyouverywell。IwasacadetatWestPointwhenyouandRev。JosephH。TwichellcametheresomeyearsagoandtalkedtousonaHundredthNight。Iamalieutenantintheregulararmynow，andmynameisH。IaminEurope，allalone，foramodestlittletour；myregimentisinArizona。\"
Webecamefriendlyandsociable，andinthecourseofthetalkhetoldmeofanadventurewhichhadbefallenhim——abouttothiseffect：
\"IwasatBellagio，stoppingatthebighotelthere，andtendaysagoI
lostmyletterofcredit。Ididnotknowwhatintheworldtodo。Iwasastranger；IknewnooneinEurope；Ihadn’tapennyinmypocket；I
couldn’tevensendatelegramtoLondontogetmylostletterreplaced；
myhotelbillwasaweekold，andthepresentationofitimminent——soimminentthatitcouldhappenatanymomentnow。Iwassofrightenedthatmywitsseemedtoleaveme。Itrampedandtramped，backandforth，likeacrazyperson。IfanybodyapproachedmeIhurriedaway，fornomatterwhatapersonlookedlike，Itookhimfortheheadwaiterwiththebill。
\"IwasatlastinsuchadesperatestatethatIwasreadytodoanywildthingthatpromisedeventheshadowofhelp，andsothisistheinsanethingthatIdid。Isawafamilylunchingatasmalltableontheveranda，andrecognizedtheirnationality——Americans——father，mother，andseveralyoungdaughters——young，tastefullydressed，andpretty——therulewithourpeople。Iwentstraightthereinmyciviliancostume，namedmyname，saidIwasalieutenantinthearmy，andtoldmystoryandaskedforhelp。
\"Whatdoyousupposethegentlemandid？Butyouwouldnotguessintwentyyears。Hetookoutahandfulofgoldcoinandtoldmetohelpmyself——freely。Thatiswhathedid。\"
Thenextmorningthelieutenanttoldmehisnewletterofcredithadarrivedinthenight，sowestrolledtoCook’stodrawmoneytopaybackthebenefactorwith。Wegotit，andthenwentstrollingthroughthegreatarcade。Presentlyhesaid，\"Yondertheyare；comeandbeintroduced。\"Iwasintroducedtotheparentsandtheyoungladies；thenweseparated，andIneversawhimorthemanym———
\"HereweareatFarmington，\"saidTwichell，interrupting。
Weleftthetrolley—carandtrampedthroughthemudahundredyardsorsototheschool，talkingaboutthetimeweandWarnerwalkedoutthereyearsago，andthepleasanttimewehad。
Wehadavisitwithmynieceintheparlor，thenstartedforthetrolleyagain。OutsidethehouseweencounteredadoublerankoftwentyorthirtyofMissPorter’syoungladiesarrivingfromawalk，andwestoodaside，ostensiblytoletthemhaveroomtofilepast，butreallytolookatthem。Presentlyoneofthemsteppedoutoftherankandsaid：
\"Youdon’tknowme，Mr。Twichell；butIknowyourdaughter，andthatgivesmetheprivilegeofshakinghandswithyou。\"
Thensheputoutherhandtome，andsaid：
\"AndIwishtoshakehandswithyoutoo，Mr。Clemens。Youdon’trememberme，butyouwereintroducedtomeinthearcadeinMilantwoyearsandahalfagobyLieutenantH。\"
Whathadputthatstoryintomyheadafterallthatstretchoftime？Wasitjusttheproximityofthatyounggirl，orwasitmerelyanoddaccident？
THEINVALID’SSTORY
Iseemsixtyandmarried，buttheseeffectsareduetomyconditionandsufferings，forIamabachelor，andonlyforty—one。ItwillbehardforyoutobelievethatI，whoamnowbutashadow，wasahale，heartymantwoshortyearsago，amanofiron，averyathlete！——yetsuchisthesimpletruth。ButstrangerstillthanthisfactisthewayinwhichI
lostmyhealth。Ilostitthroughhelpingtotakecareofaboxofgunsonatwo—hundred—milerailwayjourneyonewinter’snight。Itistheactualtruth，andIwilltellyouaboutit。
IbelonginCleveland，Ohio。Onewinter’snight，twoyearsago，I
reachedhomejustafterdark，inadrivingsnow—storm，andthefirstthingIheardwhenIenteredthehousewasthatmydearestboyhoodfriendandschoolmate，JohnB。Hackett，haddiedthedaybefore，andthathislastutterancehadbeenadesirethatIwouldtakehisremainshometohispooroldfatherandmotherinWisconsin。Iwasgreatlyshockedandgrieved，buttherewasnotimetowasteinemotions；Imuststartatonce。Itookthecard，marked\"DeaconLeviHackett，Bethlehem，Wisconsin，\"andhurriedoffthroughthewhistlingstormtotherailwaystation。ArrivedthereIfoundthelongwhite—pineboxwhichhadbeendescribedtome；Ifastenedthecardtoitwithsometacks，sawitputsafelyaboardtheexpresscar，andthenranintotheeating—roomtoprovidemyselfwithasandwichandsomecigars。WhenIreturned，presently，therewasmycoffin—boxbackagain，apparently，andayoungfellowexaminingaroundit，withacardinhishands，andsometacksandahammer！Iwasastonishedandpuzzled。Hebegantonailonhiscard，andIrushedouttotheexpresscar，inagooddealofastateofmind，toaskforanexplanation。Butno——therewasmybox，allright，intheexpresscar；ithadn’tbeendisturbed。[Thefactisthatwithoutmysuspectingitaprodigiousmistakehadbeenmade。IwascarryingoffaboxofgunswhichthatyoungfellowhadcometothestationtoshiptoariflecompanyinPeoria，Illinois，andhehadgotmycorpse！]Justthentheconductorsungout\"Allaboard，\"andIjumpedintotheexpresscarandgotacomfortableseatonabaleofbuckets。Theexpressmanwasthere，hardatwork，——aplainmanoffifty，withasimple，honest，good—
naturedface，andabreezy，practicalheartinessinhisgeneralstyle。
AsthetrainmovedoffastrangerskippedintothecarandsetapackageofpeculiarlymatureandcapableLimburgercheeseononeendofmycoffin—box——Imeanmyboxofguns。Thatistosay，IknownowthatitwasLimburgercheese，butatthattimeIneverhadheardofthearticleinmylife，andofcoursewaswhollyignorantofitscharacter。Well，wespedthroughthewildnight，thebitterstormragedon，acheerlessmiserystoleoverme，myheartwentdown，down，down！Theoldexpressmanmadeabriskremarkortwoaboutthetempestandthearcticweather，slammedhisslidingdoorsto，andboltedthem，closedhiswindowdowntight，andthenwentbustlingaround，hereandthereandyonder，settingthingstorights，andallthetimecontentedlyhumming\"SweetByandBy，\"
inalowtone，andflattingagooddeal。PresentlyIbegantodetectamostevilandsearchingodorstealingaboutonthefrozenair。Thisdepressedmyspiritsstillmore，becauseofcourseIattributedittomypoordepartedfriend。Therewassomethinginfinitelysaddeningabouthiscallinghimselftomyremembranceinthisdumbpatheticway，soitwashardtokeepthetearsback。Moreover，itdistressedmeonaccountoftheoldexpressman，who，Iwasafraid，mightnoticeit。However，hewenthummingtranquillyon，andgavenosign；andforthisIwasgrateful。
Grateful，yes，butstilluneasy；andsoonIbegantofeelmoreandmoreuneasyeveryminute，foreveryminutethatwentbythatodorthickenedupthemore，andgottobemoreandmoregameyandhardtostand。
Presently，havinggotthingsarrangedtohissatisfaction，theexpressmangotsomewoodandmadeupatremendousfireinhisstove。
ThisdistressedmemorethanIcantell，forIcouldnotbutfeelthatitwasamistake。Iwassurethattheeffectwouldbedeleteriousuponmypoordepartedfriend。Thompson——theexpressman’snamewasThompson，asI
foundoutinthecourseofthenight——nowwentpokingaroundhiscar，stoppingupwhateverstraycrackshecouldfind，remarkingthatitdidn’tmakeanydifferencewhatkindofanightitwasoutside，hecalculatedtomakeuscomfortable，anyway。Isaidnothing，butIbelievedhewasnotchoosingtherightway。Meantimehewashummingtohimselfjustasbefore；andmeantime，too，thestovewasgettinghotterandhotter，andtheplacecloserandcloser。Ifeltmyselfgrowingpaleandqualmish，butgrievedinsilenceandsaidnothing。
SoonInoticedthatthe\"SweetByandBy\"wasgraduallyfadingout；nextitceasedaltogether，andtherewasanominousstillness。AfterafewmomentsThompsonsaid，\"Pfew！Ireckonitain’tnocinnamon’tI’veloadedupthish—yerstovewith！\"
Hegaspedonceortwice，thenmovedtowardthecof——gun—box，stoodoverthatLimburgercheesepartofamoment，thencamebackandsatdownnearme，lookingagooddealimpressed。Afteracontemplativepause，hesaid，indicatingtheboxwithagesture，\"Friendofyourn？\"
\"Yes，\"Isaidwithasigh。
\"He’sprettyripe，ain’the！\"
Nothingfurtherwassaidforperhapsacoupleofminutes，eachbeingbusywithhisownthoughts；thenThompsonsaid，inalow，awedvoice，\"Sometimesit’suncertainwhetherthey’rereallygoneornot，——seemgone，youknow——bodywarm，jointslimber——andso，althoughyouthinkthey’regone，youdon’treallyknow。I’vehadcasesinmycar。It’sperfectlyawful，becuzyoudon’tknowwhatminutethey’llriseupandlookatyou！\"
Then，afterapause，andslightlyliftinghiselbowtowardthebox，——
\"Butheain’tinnotrance！No，sir，Igobailforhim！\"
Wesatsometime，inmeditativesilence，listeningtothewindandtheroarofthetrain；thenThompsonsaid，withagooddealoffeeling，\"Well—a—well，we’veallgottogo，theyain’tnogettingaroundit。Manthatisbornofwomanisoffewdaysandfarbetween，asScriptur’says。
Yes，youlookatitanywayyouwantto，it’sawfulsolemnandcur’us：
theyain’tnobodycangetaroundit；all’sgottogo——justeverybody，asyoumaysay。Onedayyou’reheartyandstrong\"——herehescrambledtohisfeetandbrokeapaneandstretchedhisnoseoutatitamomentortwo，thensatdownagainwhileIstruggledupandthrustmynoseoutatthesameplace，andthiswekeptondoingeverynowandthen——\"andnextdayhe’scutdownlikethegrass，andtheplaceswhichknowedhimthenknowshimnomoreforever，asScriptur’says。Yes’ndeedy，it’sawfulsolemnandcur’us；butwe’veallgottogo，onetimeoranother；theyain’tnogettingaroundit。\"
Therewasanotherlongpause；then，——
\"Whatdidhedieof？\"
IsaidIdidn’tknow。
\"Howlonghashebendead？\"
Itseemedjudicioustoenlargethefactstofittheprobabilities；soI
said，\"Twoorthreedays。\"
Butitdidnogood；forThompsonreceiveditwithaninjuredlookwhichplainlysaid，\"Twoorthreeyears，youmean。\"Thenhewentrightalong，placidlyignoringmystatement，andgavehisviewsatconsiderablelengthupontheunwisdomofputtingoffburialstoolong。Thenheloungedofftowardthebox，stoodamoment，thencamebackonasharptrotandvisitedthebrokenpane，observing，\"’Twould’a’benadumsightbetter，allaround，ifthey’dstartedhimalonglastsummer。\"
Thompsonsatdownandburiedhisfaceinhisredsilkhandkerchief，andbegantoslowlyswayandrockhisbodylikeonewhoisdoinghisbesttoendurethealmostunendurable。Bythistimethefragrance——ifyoumaycallitfragrance——wasjustaboutsuffocating，asnearasyoucancomeatit。Thompson’sfacewasturninggray；Iknewminehadn’tanycolorleftinit。ByandbyThompsonrestedhisforeheadinhislefthand，withhiselbowonhisknee，andsortofwavedhisredhandkerchieftowardstheboxwithhisotherhand，andsaid，——
\"I’vecarriedamanyaoneof’em，——someof’emconsiderableoverdue，too，——but，lordy，hejustlaysover’emall！——anddoesiteasyCap。，theywasheliotropetoHIM！\"
Thisrecognitionofmypoorfriendgratifiedme，inspiteofthesadcircumstances，becauseithadsomuchthesoundofacompliment。
Prettysoonitwasplainthatsomethinghadgottobedone。Isuggestedcigars。Thompsonthoughtitwasagoodidea。Hesaid，\"Likelyit’llmodifyhimsome。\"
Wepuffedgingerlyalongforawhile，andtriedhardtoimaginethatthingswereimproved。Butitwasn’tanyuse。Beforeverylong，andwithoutanyconsultation，bothcigarswerequietlydroppedfromournervelessfingersatthesamemoment。Thompsonsaid，withasigh，\"No，Cap。，itdon’tmodifyhimworthacent。Factis，itmakeshimworse，becuzitappearstostiruphisambition。Whatdoyoureckonwebetterdo，now？\"
Iwasnotabletosuggestanything；indeed，Ihadtobeswallowingandswallowing，allthetime，anddidnotliketotrustmyselftospeak。
Thompsonfelltomaundering，inadesultoryandlow—spiritedway，aboutthemiserableexperiencesofthisnight；andhegottoreferringtomypoorfriendbyvarioustitles，——sometimesmilitaryones，sometimescivilones；andInoticedthatasfastasmypoorfriend’seffectivenessgrew，Thompsonpromotedhimaccordingly，——gavehimabiggertitle。Finallyhesaid，\"I’vegotanidea。Suppos’nwebuckledowntoitandgivetheColonelabitofashovetowardst’otherendofthecar？——abouttenfoot，say。Hewouldn’thavesomuchinfluence，then，don’tyoureckon？\"
Isaiditwasagoodscheme。Sowetookinagoodfreshbreathatthebrokenpane，calculatingtoholdittillwegotthrough；thenwewentthereandbentoverthatdeadlycheeseandtookagriponthebox。
Thompsonnodded\"Allready，\"andthenwethrewourselvesforwardwithallourmight；butThompsonslipped，andslumpeddownwithhisnoseonthecheese，andhisbreathgotloose。Hegaggedandgasped，andflounderedupandmadeabreakforthedoor，pawingtheairandsayinghoarsely，\"Don’thenderme！——gimmetheroad！I’ma—dying；gimmetheroad！\"
OutonthecoldplatformIsatdownandheldhisheadawhile，andherevived。Presentlyhesaid，\"DoyoureckonwestartedtheGen’rulany？\"
Isaidno；wehadn’tbudgedhim。
\"Well，then，thatidea’suptheflume。Wegottothinkupsomethingelse。He’ssuitedwher’heis，Ireckon；andifthat’sthewayhefeelsaboutit，andhasmadeuphismindthathedon’twishtobedisturbed，youbethe’sa—goingtohavehisownwayinthebusiness。Yes，betterleavehimrightwher’heis，longashewantsitso；becuzheholdsallthetrumps，don’tyouknow，andsoitstandstoreasonthatthemanthatlaysouttoalterhisplansforhimisgoingtogetleft。\"
Butwecouldn’tstayoutthereinthatmadstorm；weshouldhavefrozentodeath。Sowewentinagainandshutthedoor，andbegantosufferoncemoreandtaketurnsatthebreakinthewindow。Byandby，aswewerestartingawayfromastationwherewehadstoppedamomentThompson。
prancedincheerily，andexclaimed，\"We’reallright，now！Ireckonwe’vegottheCommodorethistime。I
judgeI’vegotthestuffherethat’lltakethetuckoutofhim。\"
Itwascarbolicacid。Hehadacarboyofit。Hesprinkleditallaroundeverywhere；infacthedrenchedeverythingwithit，rifle—box，cheeseandall。Thenwesatdown，feelingprettyhopeful。Butitwasn’tforlong。
Youseethetwoperfumesbegantomix，andthen——well，prettysoonwemadeabreakforthedoor；andoutthereThompsonswabbedhisfacewithhisbandannaandsaidinakindofdisheartenedway，\"Itain’tnouse。Wecan’tbuckaginhim。Hejustutilizeseverythingweputuptomodifyhimwith，andgivesithisownflavorandplaysitbackonus。Why，Cap。，don’tyouknow，it’sasmuchasahundredtimesworseintherenowthanitwaswhenhefirstgota—going。Ineverdidseeoneof’emwarmuptohisworkso，andtakesuchadumnationinterestinit。No，Sir，Ineverdid，aslongasI’vebenontheroad；andI’vecarriedamanyaoneof’em，asIwastellingyou。\"
Wewentinagainafterwewerefrozenprettystiff；butmy，wecouldn’tstayin，now。Sowejustwaltzedbackandforth，freezing，andthawing，andstifling，byturns。Inaboutanhourwestoppedatanotherstation；
andasweleftitThompsoncameinwithabag，andsaid，——
\"Cap。，I’ma—going，tochancehimoncemore，——justthisonce；andifwedon’tfetchhimthistime，thethingforustodo，istojustthrowupthespongeandwithdrawfromthecanvass。That’sthewayIputitup。\"
Hehadbroughtalotofchickenfeathers，anddriedapples，andleaftobacco，andrags，andoldshoes，andsulphur，andasafoetida，andonethingoranother；andhe，piledthemonabreadthofsheetironinthemiddleofthefloor，andsetfiretothem。
Whentheygotwellstarted，Icouldn’tsee，myself，howeventhecorpsecouldstandit。Allthatwentbeforewasjustsimplypoetrytothatsmell，——butmindyou，theoriginalsmellstoodupoutofitjustassublimeasever，——factis，theseothersmellsjustseemedtogiveitabetterhold；andmy，howrichitwas！Ididn’tmakethesereflectionsthere——therewasn’ttime——madethemontheplatform。Andbreakingfortheplatform，Thompsongotsuffocatedandfell；andbeforeIgothimdraggedout，whichIdidbythecollar，Iwasmightyneargonemyself。
Whenwerevived，Thompsonsaiddejectedly，——
\"Wegottostayouthere，Cap。Wegottodoit。Theyain’tnootherway。TheGovernorwantstotravelalone，andhe’sfixedsohecanoutvoteus。\"
Andpresentlyheadded，\"Anddon’tyouknow，we’repisoned。It’sourlasttrip，youcanmakeupyourmindtoit。Typhoidfeveriswhat’sgoingtocomeofthis。Ifeelitacomingrightnow。Yes，sir，we’reelected，justassureasyou’reborn。\"
Weweretakenfromtheplatformanhourlater，frozenandinsensible，atthenextstation，andIwentstraightoffintoavirulentfever，andneverknewanythingagainforthreeweeks。Ifoundout，then，thatIhadspentthatawfulnightwithaharmlessboxofriflesandalotofinnocentcheese；butthenewswastoolatetosaveme；imaginationhaddoneitswork，andmyhealthwaspermanentlyshattered；neitherBermudanoranyotherlandcaneverbringitbacktome。Thisismylasttrip；I
amonmywayhometodie。