CHAPTERI——MRS。LIRRIPERRELATESHOWSHEWENTON，ANDWENTOVER
Ah！It’spleasanttodropintomyowneasy—chairmydearthoughalittlepalpitatingwhatwithtrottingup—stairsandwhatwithtrottingdown，andwhykitchenstairsshouldallbecornerstairsisforthebuilderstojustifythoughIdonotthinktheyfullyunderstandtheirtradeandneverdid，elsewhythesamenessandwhynotmoreconveniencesandfewerdraughtsandlikewisemakingapracticeoflayingtheplasterontoothickIamwellconvincedwhichholdsthedamp，andastochimney—potsputtingthemonbyguess—worklikehatsatapartyandnomoreknowingwhattheireffectwillbeuponthesmokeblessyouthanIdoifsomuch，exceptthatitwillmostlybeeithertosenditdownyourthroatinastraightformorgiveitatwistbeforeitgoesthere。AndwhatI
saysspeakingasIfindofthosenewmetalchimneysallmannerofshapes（there’sarowof’ematMissWozenham’slodging—houselowerdownontheothersideoftheway）isthattheyonlyworkyoursmokeintoartificialpatternsforyoubeforeyouswallowitandthatI’dquiteassoonswallowmineplain，theflavourbeingthesame，nottomentiontheconceitofputtingupsignsonthetopofyourhousetoshowtheformsinwhichyoutakeyoursmokeintoyourinside。
Beingherebeforeyoureyesmydearinmyowneasy—chairinmyownquietroominmyownLodging—HouseNumberEighty—oneNorfolkStreetStrandLondonsituatedmidwaybetweentheCityandSt。James’s——ifanythingiswhereitusedtobewiththesehotelscallingthemselvesLimitedbutcalledunlimitedbyMajorJackmanrisingupeverywhereandrisingupintoflagstaffswheretheycan’tgoanyhigher，butmymindofthosemonstersisgivemealandlord’sorlandlady’swholesomefacewhenIcomeoffajourneyandnotabrassplatewithanelectrifiednumberclickingoutofitwhichit’snotinnaturecanbegladtoseemeandtowhichIdon’twanttobehoistedlikemolassesattheDocksandlefttheretelegraphingforhelpwiththemostingeniousinstrumentsbutquiteinvain——beingheremydearI
havenocalltomentionthatIamstillintheLodgingsasabusinesshopingtodieinthesameandifagreeabletotheclergypartlyreadoveratSaintClement’sDanesandconcludedinHatfieldchurchyardwhenlyingonceagainbymypoorLirriperashestoashesanddusttodust。
NeithershouldItellyouanynewsmydearintellingyouthattheMajorisstillafixtureintheParloursquiteasmuchsoastheroofofthehouse，andthatJemmyisofboysthebestandbrightestandhaseverhadkeptfromhimthecruelstoryofhispoorprettyyoungmotherMrs。Edsonbeingdesertedinthesecondflooranddyinginmyarms，fullybelievingthatIamhisbornGranandhimanorphan，thoughwhatwithengineeringsincehetookatasteforitandhimandtheMajormakingLocomotivesoutofparasolsbrokenironpotsandcotton—reelsandthemabsolutelyagettingoffthelineandfallingoverthetableandinjuringthepassengersalmostequaltotheoriginalsitreallyisquitewonderful。AndwhenIsaystotheMajor，\"Majorcan’tyoubyANYmeansgiveusacommunicationwiththeguard？\"theMajorsaysquitehuffy，\"Nomadamit’snottobedone，\"andwhenIsays\"Whynot？\"theMajorsays，\"ThatisbetweenuswhoareintheRailwayInterestmadamandourfriendtheRightHonourableVice—PresidentoftheBoardofTrade\"andifyou’llbelievememydeartheMajorwrotetoJemmyatschooltoconsulthimontheanswerIshouldhavebeforeIcouldgeteventhatamountofunsatisfactorinessoutoftheman，thereasonbeingthatwhenwefirstbeganwiththelittlemodelandtheworkingsignalsbeautifulandperfect（beingingeneralaswrongasthereal）andwhenIsayslaughing\"WhatappointmentamItoholdinthisundertakinggentlemen？\"Jemmyhugsmeroundtheneckandtellsmedancing，\"YoushallbethePublicGran\"andconsequentlytheyputuponmejustasmuchasevertheylikeandIsitagrowlinginmyeasy—chair。
MydearwhetheritisthatagrownmanascleverastheMajorcannotgivehalfhisheartandmindtoanything——evenaplaything——butmustgetintorightdownearnestwithit，whetheritissoorwhetheritisnotsoIdonotundertaketosay，butJemmyisfarout—donebytheseriousandbelievingwaysoftheMajorinthemanagementoftheUnitedGrandJunctionLirriperandJackmanGreatNorfolkParlourLine，\"For\"saysmyJemmywiththesparklingeyeswhenitwaschristened，\"wemusthaveawholemouthfulofnameGranorourdearoldPublic\"andtheretheyoungroguekissedme，\"won’tstumpup。\"
SothePublictooktheshares——tenatninepence，andimmediatelywhenthatwasspenttwelvePreferenceatoneandsixpence——andtheywereallsignedbyJemmyandcountersignedbytheMajor，andbetweenourselvesmuchbetterworththemoneythansomesharesIhavepaidforinmytime。Inthesameholidaysthelinewasmadeandworkedandopenedandranexcursionsandhadcollisionsandburstitsboilersandallsortsofaccidentsandoffencesallmostregularcorrectandpretty。ThesenseofresponsibilityentertainedbytheMajorasamilitarystyleofstation—mastermydearstartingthedowntrainbehindtimeandringingoneofthoselittlebellsthatyoubuywiththelittlecoal—scuttlesoffthetrayroundtheman’sneckinthestreetdidhimhonour，butnoticingtheMajorofanightwhenheiswritingouthismonthlyreporttoJemmyatschoolofthestateoftheRollingStockandthePermanentWayandalltherestofit（thewholekeptupontheMajor’ssideboardanddustedwithhisownhandseverymorningbeforevarnishinghisboots）Inoticehimasfullofthoughtandcareasfullcanbeandfrowninginafearfulmanner，butindeedtheMajordoesnothingbyhalvesaswitnesshisgreatdelightingoingoutsurveyingwithJemmywhenhehasJemmytogowith，carryingachainandameasuring—tapeanddrivingIdon’tknowwhatimprovementsrightthroughWestminsterAbbeyandfullybelievedinthestreetstobeknockingeverythingupsidedownbyActofParliament。AspleaseHeavenwillcometopasswhenJemmytakestothatasaprofession！
MentioningmypoorLirriperbringsintomyheadhisownyoungestbrothertheDoctorthoughDoctorofwhatIamsureitwouldbehardtosayunlessLiquor，forneitherPhysicnorMusicnoryetLawdoesJoshuaLirriperknowamorselofexceptcontinuallybeingsummonedtotheCountyCourtandhavingordersmadeuponhimwhichherunsawayfrom，andoncewastakeninthepassageofthisveryhousewithanumbrellaupandtheMajor’shaton，givinghisnamewiththedoor—matroundhimasSirJohnsonJones，K。C。B。inspectaclesresidingattheHorseGuards。Onwhichoccasionhehadgotintothehousenotaminutebefore，throughthegirllettinghimonthematwhenhesentinapieceofpapertwistedmorelikeoneofthosespillsforlightingcandlesthananote，offeringmethechoicebetweenthirtyshillingsinhandandhisbrainsonthepremisesmarkedimmediateandwaitingforananswer。MydearitgavemesuchadreadfulturntothinkofthebrainsofmypoordearLirriper’sownfleshandbloodflyingaboutthenewoilclothhoweverunworthytobesoassisted，thatIwentoutofmyroomheretoaskhimwhathewouldtakeonceforallnottodoitforlifewhenIfoundhiminthecustodyoftwogentlementhatIshouldhavejudgedtobeinthefeather—bedtradeiftheyhadnotannouncedthelaw，sofluffyweretheirpersonalappearance。\"Bringyourchains，sir，\"saysJoshuatothelittlestofthetwointhebiggesthat，\"rivetonmyfetters！\"
ImaginemyfeelingswhenIpicteredhimclankingupNorfolkStreetinironsandMissWozenhamlookingoutofwindow！\"Gentlemen，\"I
saysallofatrembleandreadytodrop\"pleasetobringhimintoMajorJackman’sapartments。\"SotheybroughthimintotheParlours，andwhentheMajorspieshisowncurly—brimmedhatonhimwhichJoshuaLirriperhadwhippedoffitspeginthepassageforamilitarydisguisehegoesintosuchatearingpassionthathetipsitoffhisheadwithhishandandkicksituptotheceilingwithhisfootwhereitgrazedlongafterwards。\"Major\"Isays\"becoolandadvisemewhattodowithJoshuamydeadandgoneLirriper’sownyoungestbrother。\"\"Madam\"saystheMajor\"myadviceisthatyouboardandlodgehiminaPowderMill，withahandsomegratuitytotheproprietorwhenexploded。\"\"Major\"Isays\"asaChristianyoucannotmeanyourwords。\"\"Madam\"saystheMajor\"bytheLordIdo！\"
andindeedtheMajorbesidesbeingwithallhismeritsaverypassionatemanforhissizehadabadopinionofJoshuaonaccountofformertroublesevenunattendedbylibertiestakenwithhisapparel。WhenJoshuaLirriperhearsthisconversationbetwixtusheturnsuponthelittlestonewiththebiggesthatandsays\"Comesir！
Removemetomyviledungeon。Whereismymouldystraw？\"MydearatthepicterofhimrisinginmyminddressedalmostentirelyinpadlockslikeBaronTrenckinJemmy’sbookIwassoovercomethatI
burstintotearsandIsaystotheMajor，\"MajortakemykeysandsettlewiththesegentlemenorIshallneverknowahappyminutemore，\"whichwasdoneseveraltimesbothbeforeandsince，butstillImustrememberthatJoshuaLirriperhashisgoodfeelingsandshowstheminbeingalwayssotroubledinhismindwhenhecannotwearmourningforhisbrother。ManyalongyearhaveIleftoffmywidow’smourningnotbeingwishfultointrude，butthetenderpointinJoshuathatIcannothelpalittleyieldingtoiswhenhewrites\"Onesinglesovereignwouldenablemetowearadecentsuitofmourningformymuch—lovedbrother。IvowedatthetimeofhislamenteddeaththatIwouldeverwearsablesinmemoryofhimbutAlashowshort—sightedisman，Howkeepthatvowwhenpenniless！\"
Itsaysagooddealforthestrengthofhisfeelingsthathecouldn’thavebeensevenyearoldwhenmypoorLirriperdiedandtohavekepttoiteversinceishighlycreditable。Butweknowthere’sgoodinallofus，——ifweonlyknewwhereitwasinsomeofus，——andthoughitwasfarfromdelicateinJoshuatoworkuponthedearchild’sfeelingswhenfirstsenttoschoolandwritedownintoLincolnshireforhispocket—moneybyreturnofpostandgotit，stillheismypoorLirriper’sownyoungestbrotherandmightn’thavemeantnotpayinghisbillattheSalisburyArmswhenhisaffectiontookhimdowntostayafortnightatHatfieldchurchyardandmighthavemeanttokeepsoberbutforbadcompany。
ConsequentlyiftheMajorHADplayedonhimwiththegarden—enginewhichhegotprivatelyintohisroomwithoutmyknowingofit，I
thinkthatmuchasIshouldhaveregrettedittherewouldhavebeenwordsbetwixttheMajorandme。ThereforemydearthoughheplayedonMr。Bufflebymistakebeinghotinhishead，andthoughitmighthavebeenmisrepresenteddownatWozenham’sintonotbeingreadyforMr。BuffleinotherrespectshebeingtheAssessedTaxes，stillIdonotsomuchregretitasperhapsIought。AndwhetherJoshuaLirriperwillyetdowellinlifeIcannotsay，butIdidhearofhiscoming，outataPrivateTheatreinthecharacterofaBanditwithoutreceivinganyoffersafterwardsfromtheregularmanagers。
MentioningMr。Bafflegivesaninstanceoftherebeinggoodinpersonswheregoodisnotexpected，foritcannotbedeniedthatMr。
Buffle’smannerswhenengagedinhisbusinesswerenotagreeable。
Tocollectisonething，andtolookaboutasifsuspiciousofthegoodsbeinggraduallyremovinginthedeadofthenightbyabackdoorisanother，overtaxingyouhavenocontrolbutsuspectingisvoluntary。AllowancestoomusteverbemadeforagentlemanoftheMajor’swarmthnotrelishingbeingspoketowithapeninthemouth，andwhileIdonotknowthatitismoreirritabletomyownfeelingstohavealow—crownedhatwithabroadbrimkeptonindoorsthananyotherhatstillIcanappreciatetheMajor’s，besideswhichwithoutbearingmaliceorvengeancetheMajorisamanthatscoresuparrearsashishabitalwayswaswithJoshuaLirriper。SoatlastmydeartheMajorlayinwaitforMr。Buffle，anditworritedmeagooddeal。Mr。BufflegiveshisrapoftwosharpknocksonedayandtheMajorbouncestothedoor。\"Collectorhascalledfortwoquarters’AssessedTaxes\"saysMr。Buffle。\"Theyarereadyforhim\"
saystheMajorandbringshiminhere。ButonthewayMr。BufflelooksabouthiminhisusualsuspiciousmannerandtheMajorfiresandaskshim\"DoyouseeaGhostsir？\"\"Nosir\"saysMr。Buffle。
\"BecauseIhavebeforenoticedyou\"saystheMajor\"apparentlylookingforaspectreveryhardbeneaththeroofofmyrespectedfriend。Whenyoufindthatsupernaturalagent，besogoodaspointhimoutsir。\"Mr。BufflestaresattheMajorandthennodsatme。
\"Mrs。Lirripersir\"saystheMajorgoingoffintoaperfectsteamandintroducingmewithhishand。\"Pleasureofknowingher\"saysMr。Buffle。\"A——hum！——JemmyJackmansir！\"saystheMajorintroducinghimself。\"Honourofknowingyoubysight\"saysMr。
Buffle。\"JemmyJackmansir\"saystheMajorwagginghisheadsidewaysinasortofobstinatefury\"presentstoyouhisesteemedfriendthatladyMrs。EmmaLirriperofEighty—oneNorfolkStreetStrandLondonintheCountyofMiddlesexintheUnitedKingdomofGreatBritainandIreland。Uponwhichoccasionsir，\"saystheMajor，\"JemmyJackmantakesyourhatoff。\"Mr。BufflelooksathishatwheretheMajordropsitonthefloor，andhepicksitupandputsitonagain。\"Sir\"saystheMajorveryredandlookinghimfullintheface\"therearetwoquartersoftheGallantryTaxesdueandtheCollectorhascalled。\"UponwhichifyoucanbelievemywordsmydeartheMajordropsMr。Buffle’shatoffagain。\"This——\"
Mr。Bufflebeginsveryangrywithhispeninhismouth，whentheMajorsteamingmoreandmoresays\"Takeyourbitoutsir！OrbythewholeinfernalsystemofTaxationofthiscountryandeveryindividualfigureintheNationalDebt，I’llgetuponyourbackandrideyoulikeahorse！\"whichit’smybeliefhewouldhavedoneandevenactuallyjerkinghisneatlittlelegsreadyforaspringasitwas。\"This，\"saysMr。Bufflewithouthispen\"isanassaultandI’llhavethelawofyou。\"\"Sir\"repliestheMajor\"ifyouareamanofhonour，yourCollectorofwhatevermaybedueontheHonourableAssessmentbyapplyingtoMajorJackmanattheParloursMrs。Lirriper’sLodgings，mayobtainwhathewantsinfullatanymoment。\"
WhentheMajorglaredatMr。BufflewiththosemeaningwordsmydearIliterallygaspedforateaspoonfulofsalvolatileinawine—glassofwater，andIsays\"PrayletitgonofarthergentlemenIbegandbeseechofyou！\"ButtheMajorcouldbegottodonothingelsebutsnortlongafterMr。Bufflewasgone，andtheeffectithaduponmywholemassofbloodwhenonthenextdayofMr。Buffle’sroundstheMajorsprucedhimselfupandwenthummingatuneupanddownthestreetwithoneeyealmostobliteratedbyhishattherearenotexpressionsinJohnson’sDictionarytostate。ButIsafelyputthestreetdooronthejarandgotbehindtheMajor’sblindswithmyshawlonandmymindmadeupthemomentIsawdangertorushoutscreechingtillmyvoicefailedmeandcatchtheMajorroundthenecktillmystrengthwentandhaveallpartiesbound。IhadnotbeenbehindtheblindsaquarterofanhourwhenIsawMr。BuffleapproachingwithhisCollecting—booksinhishand。TheMajorlikewisesawhimapproachingandhummedlouderandhimselfapproached。TheymetbeforetheAiryrailings。TheMajortakesoffhishatatarm’slengthandsays\"Mr。BuffleIbelieve？\"Mr。BuffletakesoffHIShatatarm’slengthandsays\"Thatismynamesir。\"
SaystheMajor\"Haveyouanycommandsforme，Mr。Buffle？\"SaysMr。
Buffle\"Notanysir。\"Thenmydearbothof’embowedverylowandhaughtyandparted，andwheneverMr。BufflemadehisroundsinfuturehimandtheMajoralwaysmetandbowedbeforetheAiryrailings，puttingmemuchinmindofHamletandtheothergentlemaninmourningbeforekillingoneanother，thoughIcouldhavewishedtheothergentlemanhaddoneitfairerandeveniflesspolitenopoison。
Mr。Buffle’sfamilywerenotlikedinthisneighbourhood，forwhenyouareahouseholdermydearyou’llfinditdoesnotcomebynaturetoliketheAssessed，anditwasconsideredbesidesthataone—horsepheaytonoughtnottohaveelevatedMrs。BuffletothatheightespeciallywhenpurloinedfromtheTaxeswhichImyselfdidconsideruncharitable。ButtheywereNOTlikedandtherewasthatdomesticunhappinessinthefamilyinconsequenceoftheirbothbeingveryhardwithMissBuffleandoneanotheronaccountofMissBuffle’sfavouringMr。Buffle’sarticledyounggentleman，thatitWAS
whisperedthatMissBufflewouldgoeitherintoaconsumptionoraconventshebeingsoverythinandoffherappetiteandtwoclose—
shavedgentlemenwithwhitebandsroundtheirneckspeepingroundthecornerwhenevershewentoutinwaistcoatsresemblingblackpinafores。SothingsstoodtowardsMr。BufflewhenonenightIwaswokebyafrightfulnoiseandasmellofburning，andgoingtomybedroomwindowsawthewholestreetinaglow。FortunatelywehadtwosetsemptyjustthenandbeforeIcouldhurryonsomeclothesI
heardtheMajorhammeringattheattics’doorsandcallingout\"Dressyourselves！——Fire！Don’tbefrightened！——Fire！Collectyourpresenceofmind！——Fire！Allright——Fire！\"mosttremenjously。AsI
openedmybedroomdoortheMajorcametumblinginoverhimselfandme，andcaughtmeinhisarms。\"Major\"Isaysbreathless\"whereisit？\"\"Idon’tknowdearestmadam\"saystheMajor——\"Fire！JemmyJackmanwilldefendyoutothelastdropofhisblood——Fire！Ifthedearboywasathomewhatatreatthiswouldbeforhim——Fire！\"andaltogetherverycollectedandboldexceptthathecouldn’tsayasinglesentencewithoutshakingmetotheverycentrewithroaringFire。Werandowntothedrawing—roomandputourheadsoutofwindow，andtheMajorcallstoanunfeelingyoungmonkey，scamperingbybejoyfulandreadytosplit\"Whereisit？——Fire！\"Themonkeyanswerswithoutstopping\"Ohere’salark！OldBuffle’sbeensettinghishousealighttopreventitsbeingfoundoutthathebonedtheTaxes。Hurrah！Fire！\"Andthenthesparkscameflyingupandthesmokecamepouringdownandthecracklingofflamesandspattingofwaterandbangingofenginesandhackingofaxesandbreakingofglassandknockingatdoorsandtheshoutingandcryingandhurryingandtheheatandaltogethergavemeadreadfulpalpitation。\"Don’tbefrighteneddearestmadam，\"saystheMajor，\"——Fire！There’snothingtobealarmedat——Fire！Don’topenthestreetdoortillIcomeback——Fire！I’llgoandseeifIcanbeofanyservice——Fire！You’requitecomposedandcomfortableain’tyou？——Fire，Fire，Fire！\"Itwasinvainformetoholdthemanandtellhimhe’dbegallopedtodeathbytheengines——pumpedtodeathbyhisover—exertions——wet—feetedtodeathbytheslopandmess——
flattenedtodeathwhentheroofsfellin——hisspiritwasupandhewentscamperingoffaftertheyoungmonkeywithallthebreathhehadandnonetospare，andmeandthegirlshuddledtogetherattheparlourwindowslookingatthedreadfulflamesabovethehousesovertheway，Mr。Buffle’sbeingroundthecorner。Presentlywhatshouldweseebutsomepeoplerunningdownthestreetstraighttoourdoor，andthentheMajordirectingoperationsinthebusiestway，andthensomemorepeopleandthen——carriedinachairsimilartoGuyFawkes—
—Mr。Buffleinablanket！
MydeartheMajorhasMr。Bufflebroughtupourstepsandwhiskedintotheparlourandcartedoutonthesofy，andthenheandalltherestofthemwithoutsomuchasawordburstawayagainfullspeedleavingtheimpressionofavisionexceptforMr。Buffleawfulinhisblanketwithhiseyesarolling。InatwinklingtheyallburstbackagainwithMrs。Buffleinanotherblanket，whichwhiskedinandcartedoutonthesofytheyallburstoffagainandallburstbackagainwithMissBuffleinanotherblanket，whichagainwhiskedinandcartedouttheyallburstoffagainandallburstbackagainwithMr。Buffle’sarticledyounggentlemaninanotherblanket——himaholdingroundthenecksoftwomencarryinghimbythelegs，similartothepicterofthedisgracefulcreeturwhohaslostthefight（butwherethechairIdonotknow）andhishairhavingtheappearanceofnewlyplayedupon。Whenallfourofarow，theMajorrubshishandsandwhispersmewithwhatlittlehoarsenesshecangettogether，\"Ifourdearremarkableboywasonlyathomewhatadelightfultreatthiswouldbeforhim！\"
Mydearwemadethemsomehotteaandtoastandsomehotbrandy—and—
waterwithalittlecomfortablenutmeginit，andatfirsttheywerescaredandlowintheirspiritsbutbeingfullyinsuredgotsociable。AndthefirstuseMr。BufflemadeofhistonguewastocalltheMajorhisPreserverandhisbestoffriendsandtosay\"MyforeverdearestsirletmemakeyouknowntoMrs。Buffle\"whichalsoaddressedhimasherPreserverandherbestoffriendsandwasfullyascordialastheblanketwouldadmitof。AlsoMissBuffle。
Thearticledyounggentleman’sheadwasalittlelightandhesatamoaning\"Robinaisreducedtocinders，Robinaisreducedtocinders！\"Whichwentmoretotheheartonaccountofhishavinggotwrappedinhisblanketasifhewaslookingoutofaviolincellercase，untilMr。Bufflesays\"Robinaspeaktohim！\"MissBufflesays\"DearGeorge！\"andbutfortheMajor’spouringdownbrandy—and—waterontheinstantwhichcausedacatchinginhisthroatowingtothenutmegandaviolentfitofcoughingitmighthaveprovedtoomuchforhisstrength。WhenthearticledyounggentlemangotthebetterofitMr。BuffleleanedupagainstMrs。Bufflebeingtwobundles，alittlewhileinconfidence，andthensayswithtearsinhiseyeswhichtheMajornoticingwiped，\"Wehavenotbeenanunitedfamily，letusafterthisdangerbecomeso，takeherGeorge。\"Theyounggentlemancouldnotputhisarmoutfartodoit，buthisspokenexpressionswereverybeautifulthoughofawanderingclass。AndI
donotknowthatIeverhadamuchpleasantermealthanthebreakfastwetooktogetherafterwehadalldozed，whenMissBufflemadeteaverysweetlyinquitetheRomanstyleasdepictedformerlyatCoventGardenTheatreandwhenthewholefamilywasmostagreeable，astheyhaveeverprovedsincethatnightwhentheMajorstoodatthefootoftheFire—Escapeandclaimedthemastheycamedown——theyounggentlemanhead—foremost，whichaccounts。AndthoughIdonotsaythatweshouldbelessliabletothinkillofoneanotherifstrictlylimitedtoblankets，stillIdosaythatwemightmostofuscometoabetterunderstandingifwekeptoneanotherlessatadistance。
Whythere’sWozenham’slowerdownontheothersideofthestreet。
IhadafeelingofmuchsorenessseveralyearsrespectingwhatI
muststillevercallMissWozenham’ssystematicunderbiddingandthelikenessofthehouseinBradshawhavingfartoomanywindowsandamostumbrageousandoutrageousOakwhichneveryetwasseeninNorfolkStreetnoryetacarriageandfouratWozenham’sdoor，whichitwouldhavebeenfarmoretoBradshaw’scredittohavedrawnacab。ThisframeofmindcontinuedbitterdowntotheveryafternooninJanuarylastwhenoneofmygirls，SallyRairyganoowhichIstillsuspectofIrishextractionthoughfamilyrepresentedCambridge，elsewhyabscondwithabricklayeroftheLimerickpersuasionandbemarriedinpattensnotwaitingtillhisblackeyewasdecentlygotroundwithallthecompanyfourteeninnumberandonehorsefightingoutsideontheroofofthevehicle，——Irepeatmydearmyill—
regulatedstateofmindtowardsMissWozenhamcontinueddowntotheveryafternoonofJanuarylastpastwhenSallyRairyganoocamebanging（Icanusenomilderexpression）intomyroomwithajumpwhichmaybeCambridgeandmaynot，andsaid\"HurrooMissis！MissWozenham’ssoldup！\"MydearwhenIhaditthrowninmyfaceandconsciencethatthegirlSallyhadreasontothinkIcouldbegladoftheruinofafellow—creeter，IburstintotearsanddroppedbackinmychairandIsays\"Iamashamedofmyself！\"
Well！ItriedtosettletomyteabutIcouldnotdoitwhatwiththinkingofMissWozenhamandherdistresses。ItwasawretchednightandIwentuptoafrontwindowandlookedoveratWozenham’sandaswellasIcouldmakeitoutdownthestreetinthefogitwasthedismallestofthedismalandnotalighttobeseen。SoatlastIsavetomyself\"Thiswillnotdo，\"andIputsonmyoldestbonnetandshawlnotwishingMissWozenhamtoberemindedofmybestatsuchatime，andloandbeholdyouIgoesovertoWozenham’sandknocks。\"MissWozenhamathome？\"IsaysturningmyheadwhenI
heardthedoorgo。AndthenIsawitwasMissWozenhamherselfwhohadopeneditandsadlywornshewaspoorthingandhereyesallswelledandswelledwithcrying。\"MissWozenham\"Isays\"itisseveralyearssincetherewasalittleunpleasantnessbetwixtusonthesubjectofmygrandson’scapbeingdownyourAiry。IhaveoverlookeditandIhopeyouhavedonethesame。\"\"YesMrs。
Lirriper\"shesaysinasurprise，Ihave。\"\"Thenmydear\"Isays\"I
shouldbegladtocomeinandspeakawordtoyou。\"UponmycallinghermydearMissWozenhambreaksoutacryingmostpitiful，andanotunfeelingelderlypersonthatmighthavebeenbettershavedinanightcapwithahatoveritofferingapoliteapologyforthemumpshavingworkedthemselvesintohisconstitution，andalsoforsendinghometohiswifeonthebellowswhichwasinhishandasawriting—
desk，looksoutofthebackparlourandsays\"Theladywantsawordofcomfort\"andgoesinagain。SoIwasabletosayquitenatural\"Wantsawordofcomfortdoesshesir？Thenpleasethepigssheshallhaveit！\"AndMissWozenhamandmewegointothefrontroomwithawretchedlightthatseemedtohavebeencryingtooandwassputteringout，andIsays\"Nowmydear，tellmeall，\"andshewringsherhandsandsays\"OMrs。Lirriperthatmanisinpossessionhere，andIhavenotafriendintheworldwhoisabletohelpmewithashilling。\"
Itdoesn’tsignifyabitwhatatalkativeoldbodylikemesaidtoMissWozenhamwhenshesaidthat，andsoI’lltellyouinsteadmydearthatI’dhavegiventhirtyshillingstohavetakenherovertotea，onlyIdurstn’tonaccountoftheMajor。NotyouseebutwhatIknewIcoulddrawtheMajoroutlikethreadandwindhimroundmyfingeronmostsubjectsandperhapsevenonthatifIwastosetmyselftoit，buthimandmehadsooftenbeliedMissWozenhamtooneanotherthatIwasshamefaced，andIknewshehadoffendedhisprideandnevermine，andlikewiseIfelttimidthatthatRairyganoogirlmightmakethingsawkward。SoIsays\"MydearifyoucouldgivemeacupofteatoclearmymuddleofaheadIshouldbetterunderstandyouraffairs。\"Andwehadtheteaandtheaffairstooandafterallitwasbutfortypound，and——There！she’sasindustriousandstraightacreeteraseverlivedandhaspaidbackhalfofitalready，andwhere’stheuseofsayingmore，particularlywhenitain’tthepoint？Forthepointisthatwhenshewasakissingmyhandsandholdingtheminhersandkissingthemagainandblessingblessingblessing，IcheeredupatlastandIsays\"WhywhatawaddlingoldgooseIhavebeenmydeartotakeyouforsomethingsoverydifferent！\"\"AhbutItoo\"saysshe\"howhaveI
mistakenYOU！\"\"Comeforgoodness’saketellme\"Isays\"whatyouthoughtofme？\"\"O\"saysshe\"Ithoughtyouhadnofeelingforsuchahardhand—to—mouthlifeasmine，andwererollinginaffluence。\"
Isaysshakingmysides（andverygladtodoitforIhadbeenachokingquitelongenough）\"OnlylookatmyfiguremydearandgivemeyouropinionwhetherifIwasinaffluenceIshouldbelikelytorollinit？\"Thatdidit？Wegotasmerryasgrigs（whateverTHEY
are，ifyouhappentoknowmydear——Idon’t）andIwenthometomyblessedhomeashappyandasthankfulascouldbe。ButbeforeI
makeanendofit，thinkevenofmyhavingmisunderstoodtheMajor！
Yes！FornextforenoontheMajorcameintomylittleroomwithhisbrushedhatinhishandandhebegins\"Mydearestmadam——\"andthenputhisfaceinhishatasifhehadjustcomeintochurch。AsI
satallinamazehecameoutofhishatandbeganagain。\"Myesteemedandbelovedfriend——\"andthenwentintohishatagain。
\"Major，\"Icriesoutfrightened\"hasanythinghappenedtoourdarlingboy？\"\"No，no，no\"saystheMajor\"butMissWozenhamhasbeenherethismorningtomakeherexcusestome，andbytheLordI
can’tgetoverwhatshetoldme。\"\"Hoitytoity，Major，\"Isays\"youdon’tknowyetthatIwasafraidofyoulastnightanddidn’tthinkhalfaswellofyouasIought！SocomeoutofchurchMajorandforgivemelikeadearoldfriendandI’llneverdosoanymore。\"
AndIleaveyoutojudgemydearwhetherIeverdidorwill。AndhowaffectingtothinkofMissWozenhamoutofhersmallincomeandherlossesdoingsomuchforherpooroldfather，andkeepingabrotherthathadhadthemisfortunetosoftenhisbrainagainstthehardmathematicsasneatasanewpininthethreebackrepresentedtolodgersasalumber—roomandconsumingawholeshoulderofmuttonwheneverprovided！
AndnowmydearIreallyamagoingtotellyouaboutmyLegacyifyou’reinclinedtofavourmewithyourattention，andIdidfullyintendtohavecomestraighttoitonlyonethingdoessobringupanother。ItwasthemonthofJuneandthedaybeforeMidsummerDaywhenmygirlWinifredMadgers——shewaswhatistermedaPlymouthSister，andthePlymouthBrotherthatmadeawaywithherwasquiteright，foratidieryoungwomanforawifenevercameintoahouseandafterwardscalledwiththebeautifullestPlymouthTwins——itwasthedaybeforeMidsummerDaywhenWinifredMadgerscomesandsaystome\"AgentlemanfromtheConsul’swishesparticulartospeaktoMrs。
Lirriper。\"Ifyou’llbelievememydeartheConsolsatthebankwhereIhavealittlematterforJemmygotintomyhead，andIsays\"GoodgraciousIhopeheain’thadanydreadfulfall！\"SaysWinifred\"Hedon’tlookasifhehadma’am。\"AndIsays\"Showhimin。\"
ThegentlemancameindarkandwithhishaircroppedwhatIshouldconsidertooclose，andhesaysverypolite\"MadameLirrwiper！\"I
says，\"Yessir。Takeachair。\"\"Icome，\"sayshe\"frrwomtheFrrwenchConsul’s。\"SoIsawatoncethatitwasn’ttheBankofEngland。\"Wehaverrweceived，\"saysthegentlemanturninghisr’sverycuriousandskilful，\"frrwomtheMairrwieatSens，acommunicationwhichIwillhavethehonourtorrwead。MadameLirrwiperunderstandsFrrwench？\"\"Odearnosir！\"saysI。\"MadameLirriperdon’tunderstandanythingofthesort。\"\"Itmattersnot，\"
saysthegentleman，\"Iwilltrrwanslate。\"
WiththatmydearthegentlemanafterreadingsomethingaboutaDepartmentandaMarie（whichLordforgivemeIsupposedtilltheMajorcamehomewasMary，andneverwasImorepuzzledthantothinkhowthatyoungwomancametohavesomuchtodowithit）translatedalotwiththemostobligingpains，anditcametothis：—ThatinthetownofSonsinFranceanunknownEnglishmanlayadying。Thathewasspeechlessandwithoutmotion。Thatinhislodgingtherewasagoldwatchandapursecontainingsuchandsuchmoneyandatrunkcontainingsuchandsuchclothes，butnopassportandnopapers，exceptthatonhistablewasapackofcardsandthathehadwritteninpencilonthebackoftheaceofhearts：\"Totheauthorities。
WhenIamdead，praysendwhatisleft，asalastLegacy，toMrs。
LirriperEighty—oneNorfolkStreetStrandLondon。\"Whenthegentlemanhadexplainedallthis，whichseemedtobedrawnupmuchmoremethodicalthanIshouldhavegiventheFrenchcreditfor，notatthattimeknowingthenation，heputthedocumentintomyhand。
AndmuchthewiserIwasforthatyoumaybesure，exceptthatithadthelookofbeingmadeoutupongrocerypaperandwasstampedalloverwitheagles。
\"DoesMadameLirrwiper\"saysthegentleman\"believesherrwecognisesherunfortunatecompatrrwiot？\"
Youmayimaginetheflurryitputmeintomydeartohetalkedtoaboutmycompatriots。
Isays\"Excuseme。Wouldyouhavethekindnesssirtomakeyourlanguageassimpleasyoucan？\"
\"ThisEnglishmanunhappy，atthepointofdeath。Thiscompatrrwiotafflicted，\"saysthegentleman。
\"Thankyousir\"Isays\"Iunderstandyounow。NosirIhavenottheleastideawhothiscanbe。\"
\"HasMadameLirrwipernoson，nonephew，nogodson，nofrrwiend，noacquaintanceofanykindinFrrwance？\"
\"Tomycertainknowledge\"saysI\"norelationorfriend，andtothebestofmybeliefnoacquaintance。\"
\"Pardonme。YoutakeLocataires？\"saysthegentleman。