第1章

I

IwasbaptizedandbroughtupintheOrthodoxChristianfaith。

Iwastaughtitinchildhoodandthroughoutmyboyhoodandyouth。

ButwhenIabandonedthesecondcourseoftheuniversityattheageofeighteenInolongerbelievedanyofthethingsIhadbeentaught。

Judgingbycertainmemories，Ineverseriouslybelievedthem，buthadmerelyreliedonwhatIwastaughtandonwhatwasprofessedbythegrown—uppeoplearoundme，andthatreliancewasveryunstable。

IrememberthatbeforeIwaselevenagrammarschoolpupil，VladimirMilyutin（longsincedead），visitedusoneSundayandannouncedasthelatestnoveltyadiscoverymadeathisschool。

ThisdiscoverywasthatthereisnoGodandthatallwearetaughtaboutHimisamereinvention（thiswasin1838）。Irememberhowinterestedmyelderbrotherswereinthisinformation。Theycalledmetotheircouncilandweall，Iremember，becameveryanimated，andaccepteditassomethingveryinterestingandquitepossible。

Irememberalsothatwhenmyelderbrother，Dmitriy，whowasthenattheuniversity，suddenly，inthepassionatewaynaturaltohim，devotedhimselftoreligionandbegantoattendalltheChurchservices，tofastandtoleadapureandmorallife，weall——evenourelders——unceasinglyheldhimuptoridiculeandforsomeunknownreasoncalledhim\"Noah\"。IrememberthatMusin—Pushkin，thethenCuratorofKazanUniversity，wheninvitingustodanceathishome，ironicallypersuadedmybrother（whowasdecliningtheinvitation）bytheargumentthatevenDaviddancedbeforetheArk。

Isympathizedwiththesejokesmadebymyelders，anddrewfromthemtheconclusionthatthoughitisnecessarytolearnthecatechismandgotochurch，onemustnottakesuchthingstooseriously。IrememberalsothatIreadVoltairewhenIwasveryyoung，andthathisraillery，farfromshockingme，amusedmeverymuch。

Mylapsefromfaithoccurredasisusualamongpeopleonourlevelofeducation。Inmostcases，Ithink，ithappensthus：amanliveslikeeverybodyelse，onthebasisofprinciplesnotmerelyhavingnothingincommonwithreligiousdoctrine，butgenerallyopposedtoit；religiousdoctrinedoesnotplayapartinlife，inintercoursewithothersitisneverencountered，andinaman’sownlifeheneverhastoreckonwithit。Religiousdoctrineisprofessedfarawayfromlifeandindependentlyofit。Ifitisencountered，itisonlyasanexternalphenomenondisconnectedfromlife。

Thenasnow，itwasandisquiteimpossibletojudgebyaman’slifeandconductwhetherheisabelieverornot。Iftherebeadifferencebetweenamanwhopubliclyprofessesorthodoxyandonewhodeniesit，thedifferenceisnotinfavoroftheformer。

Thenasnow，thepublicprofessionandconfessionoforthodoxywaschieflymetwithamongpeoplewhoweredullandcruelandwhoconsideredthemselvesveryimportant。Ability，honesty，reliability，good—natureandmoralconduct，wereoftenmetwithamongunbelievers。

Theschoolsteachthecatechismandsendthepupilstochurch，andgovernmentofficialsmustproducecertificatesofhavingreceivedcommunion。Butamanofourcirclewhohasfinishedhiseducationandisnotinthegovernmentservicemayevennow（andformerlyitwasstilleasierforhimtodoso）livefortenortwentyyearswithoutoncerememberingthatheislivingamongChristiansandishimselfreckonedamemberoftheorthodoxChristianChurch。

Sothat，nowasformerly，religiousdoctrine，acceptedontrustandsupportedbyexternalpressure，thawsawaygraduallyundertheinfluenceofknowledgeandexperienceoflifewhichconflictwithit，andamanveryoftenliveson，imaginingthathestillholdsintactthereligiousdoctrineimpartedtohiminchildhoodwhereasinfactnotatraceofitremains。

S。，acleverandtruthfulman，oncetoldmethestoryofhowheceasedtobelieve。Onahuntingexpedition，whenhewasalreadytwenty—six，heonce，attheplacewheretheyputupforthenight，kneltdownintheeveningtopray——ahabitretainedfromchildhood。Hiselderbrother，whowasatthehuntwithhim，waslyingonsomehayandwatchinghim。WhenS。hadfinishedandwassettlingdownforthenight，hisbrothersaidtohim：\"Soyoustilldothat？\"

Theysaidnothingmoretooneanother。ButfromthatdayS。

ceasedtosayhisprayersorgotochurch。Andnowhehasnotprayed，receivedcommunion，orgonetochurch，forthirtyyears。

Andthisnotbecauseheknowshisbrother’sconvictionsandhasjoinedhiminthem，norbecausehehasdecidedanythinginhisownsoul，butsimplybecausethewordspokenbyhisbrotherwaslikethepushofafingeronawallthatwasreadytofallbyitsownweight。Thewordonlyshowedthatwherehethoughttherewasfaith，inrealitytherehadlongbeenanemptyspace，andthatthereforetheutteranceofwordsandthemakingofsignsofthecrossandgenuflectionswhileprayingwerequitesenselessactions。

Becomingconsciousoftheirsenselessnesshecouldnotcontinuethem。

Soithasbeenandis，Ithink，withthegreatmajorityofpeople。Iamspeakingofpeopleofoureducationallevelwhoaresincerewiththemselves，andnotofthosewhomaketheprofessionoffaithameansofattainingworldlyaims。（Suchpeoplearethemostfundamentalinfidels，foriffaithisforthemameansofattaininganyworldlyaims，thencertainlyitisnotfaith。）thesepeopleofoureducationaresoplacedthatthelightofknowledgeandlifehascausedanartificialerectiontomeltaway，andtheyhaveeitheralreadynoticedthisandsweptitsplaceclear，ortheyhavenotyetnoticedit。

Thereligiousdoctrinetaughtmefromchildhooddisappearedinmeasinothers，butwiththisdifference，thatasfromtheageoffifteenIbegantoreadphilosophicalworks，myrejectionofthedoctrinebecameaconsciousoneataveryearlyage。FromthetimeIwassixteenIceasedtosaymyprayersandceasedtogotochurchortofastofmyownvolition。IdidnotbelievewhathadbeentaughtmeinchildhoodbutIbelievedinsomething。WhatitwasI

believedinIcouldnotatallhavesaid。IbelievedinaGod，orratherIdidnotdenyGod——butIcouldnothavesaidwhatsortofGod。NeitherdidIdenyChristandhisteaching，butwhathisteachingconsistedinIagaincouldnothavesaid。

Lookingbackonthattime，Inowseeclearlythatmyfaith——

myonlyrealfaith——thatwhichapartfrommyanimalinstinctsgaveimpulsetomylife——wasabeliefinperfectingmyself。Butinwhatthisperfectingconsistedandwhatitsobjectwas，Icouldnothavesaid。Itriedtoperfectmyselfmentally——IstudiedeverythingIcould，anythinglifethrewinmyway；Itriedtoperfectmywill，IdrewuprulesItriedtofollow；Iperfectedmyselfphysically，cultivatingmystrengthandagilitybyallsortsofexercises，andaccustomingmyselftoenduranceandpatiencebyallkindsofprivations。AndallthisIconsideredtobethepursuitofperfection。thebeginningofitallwasofcoursemoralperfection，butthatwassoonreplacedbyperfectioningeneral：

bythedesiretobebetternotinmyowneyesorthoseofGodbutintheeyesofotherpeople。Andverysoonthiseffortagainchangedintoadesiretobestrongerthanothers：tobemorefamous，moreimportantandricherthanothers。

II

SomedayIwillnarratethetouchingandinstructivehistoryofmylifeduringthosetenyearsofmyyouth。Ithinkverymanypeoplehavehadalikeexperience。WithallmysoulIwishedtobegood，butIwasyoung，passionateandalone，completelyalonewhenIsoughtgoodness。EverytimeItriedtoexpressmymostsinceredesire，whichwastobemorallygood，Imetwithcontemptandridicule，butassoonasIyieldedtolowpassionsIwaspraisedandencouraged。

Ambition，loveofpower，covetousness，lasciviousness，pride，anger，andrevenge——wereallrespected。

YieldingtothosepassionsIbecamelikethegrown—upfolkandfeltthattheyapprovedofme。ThekindauntwithwhomIlived，herselfthepurestofbeings，alwaystoldmethattherewasnothingshesodesiredformeasthatIshouldhaverelationswithamarriedwoman：’Rienneformeunjuenehomme，commeuneliaisonavecunefemmecommeilfaut’。[Footnote：Nothingsoformsayoungmanasanintimacywithawomanofgoodbreeding。]AnotherhappinessshedesiredformewasthatIshouldbecomeanaide—de—

camp，andifpossibleaide—de—camptotheEmperor。ButthegreatesthappinessofallwouldbethatIshouldmarryaveryrichgirlandsobecomepossessedofasmanyserfsaspossible。

Icannotthinkofthoseyearswithouthorror，loathingandheartache。Ikilledmeninwarandchallengedmentoduelsinordertokillthem。Ilostatcards，consumedthelaborofthepeasants，sentencedthemtopunishments，livedloosely，anddeceivedpeople。Lying，robbery，adulteryofallkinds，drunkenness，violence，murder——therewasnocrimeIdidnotcommit，andinspiteofthatpeoplepraisedmyconductandmycontemporariesconsideredandconsidermetobeacomparativelymoralman。

SoIlivedfortenyears。

DuringthattimeIbegantowritefromvanity，covetousness，andpride。InmywritingsIdidthesameasinmylife。togetfameandmoney，forthesakeofwhichIwrote，itwasnecessarytohidethegoodandtodisplaytheevil。andIdidso。HowofteninmywritingsIcontrivedtohideundertheguiseofindifference，orevenofbanter，thosestrivingsofminetowardsgoodnesswhichgavemeaningtomylife!AndIsucceededinthisandwaspraised。

Attwenty—sixyearsofage[Footnote：Hewasinfact27atthetime。]IreturnedtoPetersburgafterthewar，andmetthewriters。

Theyreceivedmeasoneofthemselvesandflatteredme。AndbeforeIhadtimetolookroundIhadadoptedtheviewsonlifeofthesetofauthorsIhadcomeamong，andtheseviewscompletelyobliteratedallmyformerstrivingstoimprove——theyfurnishedatheorywhichjustifiedthedissolutenessofmylife。

Theviewoflifeofthesepeople，mycomradesinauthorship，consistedinthis：thatlifeingeneralgoesondeveloping，andinthisdevelopmentwe——menofthought——havethechiefpart；andamongmenofthoughtitiswe——artistsandpoets——whohavethegreatestinfluence。Ourvocationistoteachmankind。Andlestthesimplequestionshouldsuggestitself：WhatdoIknow，andwhatcanIteach？itwasexplainedinthistheorythatthisneednotbeknown，andthattheartistandpoetteachunconsciously。Iwasconsideredanadmirableartistandpoet，andthereforeitwasverynaturalformetoadoptthistheory。I，artistandpoet，wroteandtaughtwithoutmyselfknowingwhat。ForthisIwaspaidmoney；I

hadexcellentfood，lodging，women，andsociety；andIhadfame，whichshowedthatwhatItaughtwasverygood。

thisfaithinthemeaningofpoetryandinthedevelopmentoflifewasareligion，andIwasoneofitspriests。Tobeitspriestwasverypleasantandprofitable。AndIlivedaconsiderabletimeinthisfaithwithoutdoubtingitsvalidity。ButinthesecondandstillmoreinthethirdyearofthislifeIbegantodoubttheinfallibilityofthisreligionandtoexamineit。MyfirstcauseofdoubtwasthatIbegantonoticethatthepriestsofthisreligionwerenotallinaccordamongthemselves。Somesaid：

Wearethebestandmostusefulteachers；weteachwhatisneeded，buttheothersteachwrongly。Otherssaid：No!wearetherealteachers，andyouteachwrongly。andtheydisputed，quarrelled，abused，cheated，andtrickedoneanother。Therewerealsomanyamonguswhodidnotcarewhowasrightandwhowaswrong，butweresimplybentonattainingtheircovetousaimsbymeansofthisactivityofours。Allthisobligedmetodoubtthevalidityofourcreed。

Moreover，havingbeguntodoubtthetruthoftheauthors’

creeditself，Ialsobegantoobserveitspriestsmoreattentively，andIbecameconvincedthatalmostallthepriestsofthatreligion，thewriters，wereimmoral，andforthemostpartmenofbad，worthlesscharacter，muchinferiortothosewhomIhadmetinmyformerdissipatedandmilitarylife；buttheywereself—

confidentandself—satisfiedasonlythosecanbewhoarequiteholyorwhodonotknowwhatholinessis。Thesepeoplerevoltedme，Ibecamerevoltingtomyself，andIrealizedthatthatfaithwasafraud。

Butstrangetosay，thoughIunderstoodthisfraudandrenouncedit，yetIdidnotrenouncetherankthesepeoplegaveme：

therankofartist，poet，andteacher。InaivelyimaginedthatI

wasapoetandartistandcouldteacheverybodywithoutmyselfknowingwhatIwasteaching，andIactedaccordingly。

FrommyintimacywiththesemenIacquiredanewvice：

abnormallydevelopedprideandaninsaneassurancethatitwasmyvocationtoteachmen，withoutknowingwhat。

Torememberthattime，andmyownstateofmindandthatofthosemen（thoughtherearethousandslikethemtoday），issadandterribleandludicrous，andarousesexactlythefeelingoneexperiencesinalunaticasylum。

Wewereallthenconvincedthatitwasnecessaryforustospeak，write，andprintasquicklyaspossibleandasmuchaspossible，andthatitwasallwantedforthegoodofhumanity。Andthousandsofus，contradictingandabusingoneanother，allprintedandwrote——teachingothers。Andwithoutnoticingthatweknewnothing，andthattothesimplestoflife’squestions：Whatisgoodandwhatisevil？wedidnotknowhowtoreply，wealltalkedatthesametime，notlisteningtooneanother，sometimessecondingandpraisingoneanotherinordertobesecondedandpraisedinturn，sometimesgettingangrywithoneanother——justasinalunaticasylum。

Thousandsofworkmenlabouredtotheextremelimitoftheirstrengthdayandnight，settingthetypeandprintingmillionsofwordswhichthepostcarriedalloverRussia，andwestillwentonteachingandcouldinnowayfindtimetoteachenough，andwerealwaysangrythatsufficientattentionwasnotpaidus。

Itwasterriblystrange，butisnowquitecomprehensible。Ourrealinnermostconcernwastogetasmuchmoneyandpraiseaspossible。Togainthatendwecoulddonothingexceptwritebooksandpapers。Sowedidthat。Butinordertodosuchuselessworkandtofeelassuredthatwewereveryimportantpeoplewerequiredatheoryjustifyingouractivity。Andsoamongusthistheorywasdevised：\"Allthatexistsisreasonable。Allthatexistsdevelops。AnditalldevelopsbymeansofCulture。AndCultureismeasuredbythecirculationofbooksandnewspapers。Andwearepaidmoneyandarerespectedbecausewewritebooksandnewspapers，andthereforewearethemostusefulandthebestofmen。\"Thistheorywouldhavebeenallverywellifwehadbeenunanimous，butaseverythoughtexpressedbyoneofuswasalwaysmetbyadiametricallyoppositethoughtexpressedbyanother，weoughttohavebeendriventoreflection。Butweignoredthis；peoplepaidusmoneyandthoseonoursidepraisedus，soeachofusconsideredhimselfjustified。

Itisnowcleartomethatthiswasjustasinalunaticasylum；butthenIonlydimlysuspectedthis，andlikealllunatics，simplycalledallmenlunaticsexceptmyself。

III

SoIlived，abandoningmyselftothisinsanityforanothersixyears，tillmymarriage。DuringthattimeIwentabroad。LifeinEuropeandmyacquaintancewithleadingandlearnedEuropeans[Footnote：RussiansgenerallymakeadistinctionbetweenEuropeansandRussians。——A。M。]confirmedmeyetmoreinthefaithofstrivingafterperfectioninwhichIbelieved，forIfoundthesamefaithamongthem。Thatfaithtookwithmethecommonformitassumeswiththemajorityofeducatedpeopleofourday。Itwasexpressedbytheword\"progress\"。Itthenappearedtomethatthiswordmeantsomething。Ididnotasyetunderstandthat，beingtormented（likeeveryvitalman）bythequestionhowitisbestformetolive，inmyanswer，\"Liveinconformitywithprogress\"，Iwaslikeamaninaboatwhowhencarriedalongbywindandwavesshouldreplytowhatforhimisthechiefandonlyquestion。

\"whithertosteer\"，bysaying，\"Wearebeingcarriedsomewhere\"。

Ididnotthennoticethis。Onlyoccasionally——notbyreasonbutbyinstinct——Irevoltedagainstthissuperstitionsocommoninourday，bywhichpeoplehidefromthemselvestheirlackofunderstandingoflife……So，forinstance，duringmystayinParis，thesightofanexecutionrevealedtometheinstabilityofmysuperstitiousbeliefinprogress。WhenIsawtheheadpartfromthebodyandhowtheythumpedseparatelyintothebox，I

understood，notwithmymindbutwithmywholebeing，thatnotheoryofthereasonablenessofourpresentprogresscouldjustifythisdeed；andthatthougheverybodyfromthecreationoftheworldhadheldittobenecessary，onwhatevertheory，Iknewittobeunnecessaryandbad；andthereforethearbiterofwhatisgoodandevilisnotwhatpeoplesayanddo，norisitprogress，butitismyheartandI。Anotherinstanceofarealizationthatthesuperstitiousbeliefinprogressisinsufficientasaguidetolife，wasmybrother’sdeath。Wise，good，serious，hefellillwhilestillayoungman，sufferedformorethanayear，anddiedpainfully，notunderstandingwhyhehadlivedandstilllesswhyhehadtodie。Notheoriescouldgiveme，orhim，anyreplytothesequestionsduringhisslowandpainfuldying。Butthesewereonlyrareinstancesofdoubt，andIactuallycontinuedtoliveprofessingafaithonlyinprogress。\"EverythingevolvesandI

evolvewithit：andwhyitisthatIevolvewithallthingswillbeknownsomeday。\"SoIoughttohaveformulatedmyfaithatthattime。

OnreturningfromabroadIsettledinthecountryandchancedtooccupymyselfwithpeasantschools。ThisworkwasparticularlytomytastebecauseinitIhadnottofacethefalsitywhichhadbecomeobvioustomeandstaredmeinthefacewhenItriedtoteachpeoplebyliterarymeans。HerealsoIactedinthenameofprogress，butIalreadyregardedprogressitselfcritically。I

saidtomyself：\"Insomeofitsdevelopmentsprogresshasproceededwrongly，andwithprimitivepeasantchildrenonemustdealinaspiritofperfectfreedom，lettingthemchoosewhatpathofprogresstheyplease。\"InrealityIwaseverrevolvingroundoneandthesameinsolubleproblem，whichwas：Howtoteachwithoutknowingwhattoteach。InthehigherspheresofliteraryactivityIhadrealizedthatonecouldnotteachwithoutknowingwhat，forIsawthatpeoplealltaughtdifferently，andbyquarrellingamongthemselvesonlysucceededinhidingtheirignorancefromoneanother。Buthere，withpeasantchildren，I

thoughttoevadethisdifficultybylettingthemlearnwhattheyliked。ItamusesmenowwhenIrememberhowIshuffledintryingtosatisfymydesiretoteach，whileinthedepthofmysoulIknewverywellthatIcouldnotteachanythingneedfulforIdidnotknowwhatwasneedful。AfterspendingayearatschoolworkIwentabroadasecondtimetodiscoverhowtoteachotherswhilemyselfknowingnothing。

AnditseemedtomethatIhadlearntthisaborad，andintheyearofthepeasants’emancipation（1861）IreturnedtoRussiaarmedwithallthiswisdom，andhavingbecomeanArbiter[Footnote：

Tokeeppeacebetweenpeasantsandowners。——A。M。]Ibegantoteach，boththeuneducatedpeasantsinschoolsandtheeducatedclassesthroughamagazineIpublished。Thingsappearedtobegoingwell，butIfeltIwasnotquitesoundmentallyandthatmatterscouldnotlongcontinueinthatway。AndIshouldperhapsthenhavecometothestateofdespairIreachedfifteenyearslaterhadtherenotbeenonesideoflifestillunexploredbymewhichpromisedmehappiness：thatwasmymarriage。

ForayearIbusiedmyselfwitharbitrationwork，theschools，andthemagazine；andIbecamesowornout——asaresultespeciallyofmymentalconfusion——andsohardwasmystruggleasArbiter，soobscuretheresultsofmyactivityintheschools，sorepulsivemyshufflinginthemagazine（whichalwaysamountedtooneandthesamething：adesiretoteacheverybodyandtohidethefactthatIdidnotknowwhattoteach），thatIfellill，mentallyratherthanphysically，threwupeverything，andwentawaytotheBashkirsinthesteppes，tobreathefreshair，drinkkumys[Footnote：Afermenteddrinkpreparedfrommare’smilk。——A。M。]，andliveamerelyanimallife。

ReturningfromthereImarried。Thenewconditionsofhappyfamilylifecompletelydivertedmefromallsearchforthegeneralmeaningoflife。Mywholelifewascentredatthattimeinmyfamily，wifeandchildren，andthereforeincaretoincreaseourmeansoflivelihood。Mystrivingafterself—perfection，forwhichIhadalreadysubstitutedastrivingforperfectioningeneral，i。e。progress，wasnowagainreplacedbytheeffortsimplytosecurethebestpossibleconditionsformyselfandmyfamily。

Soanotherfifteenyearspassed。

InspiteofthefactthatInowregardedauthorshipasofnoimportance——thetemptationofimmensemonetaryrewardsandapplauseformyinsignificantwork——andIdevotedmyselftoitasameansofimprovingmymaterialpositionandofstiflinginmysoulallquestionsastothemeaningofmyownlifeorlifeingeneral。

Iwrote：teachingwhatwasformetheonlytruth，namely，thatoneshouldlivesoastohavethebestforoneselfandone’sfamily。

SoIlived；butfiveyearsagosomethingverystrangebegantohappentome。AtfirstIexperiencedmomentsofperplexityandarrestoflife，andthoughIdidnotknowwhattodoorhowtolive；andIfeltlostandbecamedejected。ButthispassedandI

wentonlivingasbefore。Thenthesemomentsofperplexitybegantorecuroftenerandoftener，andalwaysinthesameform。Theywerealwaysexpressedbythequestions：Whatisitfor？Whatdoesitleadto？

Atfirstitseemedtomethatthesewereaimlessandirrelevantquestions。Ithoughtthatitwasallwellknown，andthatifIshouldeverwishtodealwiththesolutionitwouldnotcostmemucheffort；justatpresentIhadnotimeforit，butwhenIwantedtoIshouldbeabletofindtheanswer。Thequestionshoweverbegantorepeatthemselvesfrequently，andtodemandrepliesmoreandmoreinsistently；andlikedropsofinkalwaysfallingononeplacetheyrantogetherintooneblackblot。

Thenoccurredwhathappenstoeveryonesickeningwithamortalinternaldisease。Atfirsttrivialsignsofindispositionappeartowhichthesickmanpaysnoattention；thenthesesignsreappearmoreandmoreoftenandmergeintooneuninterruptedperiodofsuffering。Thesufferingincreases，andbeforethesickmancanlookround，whathetookforamereindispositionhasalreadybecomemoreimportanttohimthananythingelseintheworld——itisdeath!

Thatiswhathappenedtome。Iunderstoodthatitwasnocasualindispositionbutsomethingveryimportant，andthatifthesequestionsconstantlyrepeatedthemselvestheywouldhavetobeanswered。AndItriedtoanswerthem。Thequestionsseemedsuchstupid，simple，childishones；butassoonasItouchedthemandtriedtosolvethemIatoncebecameconvinced，first，thattheyarenotchildishandstupidbutthemostimportantandprofoundoflife’squestions；andsecondlythat，occupyingmyselfwithmySamaraestate，theeducationofmyson，orthewritingofabook，Ihadtoknow*why*Iwasdoingit。AslongasIdidnotknowwhy，Icoulddonothingandcouldnotlive。Amidthethoughtsofestatemanagementwhichgreatlyoccupiedmeatthattime，thequestionwouldsuddenlyoccur：\"Well，youwillhave6，000

desyatinas[Footnote：Thedesyatinaisabout2。75acres。——A。M。]oflandinSamaraGovernmentand300horses，andwhatthen？\"……AndIwasquitedisconcertedanddidnotknowwhattothink。Orwhenconsideringplansfortheeducationofmychildren，Iwouldsaytomyself：\"Whatfor？\"Orwhenconsideringhowthepeasantsmightbecomeprosperous，Iwouldsuddenlysaytomyself：\"Butwhatdoesitmattertome？\"Orwhenthinkingofthefamemyworkswouldbringme，Iwouldsaytomyself，\"Verywell；youwillbemorefamousthanGogolorPushkinorShakespeareorMoliere，orthanallthewritersintheworld——andwhatofit？\"AndIcouldfindnoreplyatall。Thequestionswouldnotwait，theyhadtobeansweredatonce，andifIdidnotanswerthemitwasimpossibletolive。Buttherewasnoanswer。

IfeltthatwhatIhadbeenstandingonhadcollapsedandthatIhadnothingleftundermyfeet。WhatIhadlivedonnolongerexisted，andtherewasnothingleft。

IV

Mylifecametoastandstill。Icouldbreathe，eat，drink，andsleep，andIcouldnothelpdoingthesethings；buttherewasnolife，fortherewerenowishesthefulfillmentofwhichIcouldconsiderreasonable。IfIdesiredanything，IknewinadvancethatwhetherIsatisfiedmydesireornot，nothingwouldcomeofit。

HadafairycomeandofferedtofulfilmydesiresIshouldnothaveknowwhattoask。IfinmomentsofintoxicationIfeltsomethingwhich，thoughnotawish，wasahabitleftbyformerwishes，insobermomentsIknewthistobeadelusionandthattherewasreallynothingtowishfor。Icouldnotevenwishtoknowthetruth，forIguessedofwhatitconsisted。Thetruthwasthatlifeismeaningless。Ihadasitwerelived，lived，andwalked，walked，tillIhadcometoaprecipiceandsawclearlythattherewasnothingaheadofmebutdestruction。Itwasimpossibletostop，impossibletogoback，andimpossibletoclosemyeyesoravoidseeingthattherewasnothingaheadbutsufferingandrealdeath——

completeannihilation。

Ithadcometothis，thatI，ahealthy，fortunateman，feltI

couldnolongerlive：someirresistiblepowerimpelledmetoridmyselfonewayorotheroflife。IcannotsayI*wished*tokillmyself。Thepowerwhichdrewmeawayfromlifewasstronger，fuller，andmorewidespreadthananymerewish。Itwasaforcesimilartotheformerstrivingtolive，onlyinacontrarydirection。Allmystrengthdrewmeawayfromlife。Thethoughtofself—destructionnowcametomeasnaturallyasthoughtsofhowtoimprovemylifehadcomeformerly。anditwasseductivethatIhadtobecunningwithmyselflestIshouldcarryitouttoohastily。

Ididnotwishtohurry，becauseIwantedtousealleffortstodisentanglethematter。\"IfIcannotunravelmatters，therewillalwaysbetime。\"anditwasthenthatI，amanfavouredbyfortune，hidacordfrommyselflestIshouldhangmyselffromthecrosspieceofthepartitioninmyroomwhereIundressedaloneeveryevening，andIceasedtogooutshootingwithagunlestI

shouldbetemptedbysoeasyawayofendingmylife。IdidnotmyselfknowwhatIwanted：Ifearedlife，desiredtoescapefromit，yetstillhopedsomethingofit。

AndallthisbefellmeatatimewhenallaroundmeIhadwhatisconsideredcompletegoodfortune。Iwasnotyetfifty；IhadagoodwifewholivedmeandwhomIloved，goodchildren，andalargeestatewhichwithoutmucheffortonmypartimprovedandincreased。

Iwasrespectedbymyrelationsandacquaintancesmorethanatanyprevioustime。Iwaspraisedbyothersandwithoutmuchself—

deceptioncouldconsiderthatmynamewasfamous。Andfarfrombeinginsaneormentallydiseased，IenjoyedonthecontraryastrengthofmindandbodysuchasIhaveseldommetwithamongmenofmykind；physicallyIcouldkeepupwiththepeasantsatmowing，andmentallyIcouldworkforeightandtenhoursatastretchwithoutexperiencinganyillresultsfromsuchexertion。AndinthissituationIcametothis——thatIcouldnotlive，and，fearingdeath，hadtoemploycunningwithmyselftoavoidtakingmyownlife。

Mymentalconditionpresenteditselftomeinthisway：mylifeisastupidandspitefuljokesomeonehasplayedonme。

ThoughIdidnotacknowledgea\"someone\"whocreatedme，yetsuchapresentation——thatsomeonehadplayedanevilandstupidjokeonmybyplacingmeintheworld——wastheformofexpressionthatsuggesteditselfmostnaturallytome。

Involuntarilyitappearedtomethatthere，somewhere，wassomeonewhoamusedhimselfbywatchinghowIlivedforthirtyorfortyyears：learning，developing，maturinginbodyandmind，andhow，havingwithmaturedmentalpowersreachedthesummitoflifefromwhichitalllaybeforeme，Istoodonthatsummit——likeanarch—fool——seeingclearlythatthereisnothinginlife，andthattherehasbeenandwillbenothing。And*he*wasamused……

Butwhetherthat\"someone\"laughingatmeexistedornot，I

wasnonethebetteroff。Icouldgivenoreasonablemeaningtoanysingleactionortomywholelife。IwasonlysurprisedthatI

couldhaveavoidedunderstandingthisfromtheverybeginning——ithasbeensolongknowntoall。Todayortomorrowsicknessanddeathwillcome（theyhadcomealready）tothoseIloveortome；

nothingwillremainbutstenchandworms。Soonerorlatermyaffairs，whatevertheymaybe，willbeforgotten，andIshallnotexist。Thenwhygoonmakinganyeffort？……Howcanmanfailtoseethis？Andhowgoonliving？Thatiswhatissurprising!Onecanonlylivewhileoneisintoxicatedwithlife；assoonasoneissoberitisimpossiblenottoseethatitisallamerefraudandastupidfraud!Thatispreciselywhatitis：thereisnothingeitheramusingorwittyaboutit，itissimplycruelandstupid。

ThereisanEasternfable，toldlongago，ofatravellerovertakenonaplainbyanenragedbeast。Escapingfromthebeasthegetsintoadrywell，butseesatthebottomofthewelladragonthathasopeneditsjawstoswallowhim。Andtheunfortunateman，notdaringtoclimboutlestheshouldbedestroyedbytheenragedbeast，andnotdaringtoleaptothebottomofthewelllestheshouldbeeatenbythedragon，seizesstwiggrowinginacrackinthewellandclingstoit。Hishandsaregrowingweakerandhefeelshewillsoonhavetoresignhimselftothedestructionthatawaitshimaboveorbelow，butstillheclingson。Thenheseesthattwomice，ablackoneandawhiteone，goregularlyroundandroundthestemofthetwigtowhichheisclingingandgnawatit。Andsoonthetwigitselfwillsnapandhewillfallintothedragon’sjaws。Thetravellerseesthisandknowsthathewillinevitablyperish；butwhilestillhanginghelooksaround，seessomedropsofhoneyontheleavesofthetwig，reachesthemwithhistongueandlicksthem。SoItooclungtothetwigoflife，knowingthatthedragonofdeathwasinevitablyawaitingme，readytotearmetopieces；andIcouldnotunderstandwhyIhadfallenintosuchtorment。Itriedtolickthehoneywhichformerlyconsoledme，butthehoneynolongergavemepleasure，andthewhiteandblackmiceofdayandnightgnawedatthebranchbywhichIhung。Isawthedragonclearlyandthehoneynolongertastedsweet。Ionlysawtheunescapabledragonandthemice，andIcouldnottearmygazefromthem。andthisisnotafablebuttherealunanswerabletruthintelligibletoall。

Thedeceptionofthejoysoflifewhichformerlyallayedmyterrorofthedragonnownolongerdeceivedme。NomatterhowoftenImaybetold，\"Youcannotunderstandthemeaningoflifesodonotthinkaboutit，butlive，\"Icannolongerdoit：Ihavealreadydoneittoolong。Icannotnowhelpseeingdayandnightgoingroundandbringingmetodeath。ThatisallIsee，forthataloneistrue。Allelseisfalse。

Thetwodropsofhoneywhichdivertedmyeyesfromthecrueltruthlongerthantherest：myloveoffamily，andofwriting——

artasIcalledit——werenolongersweettome。

\"Family\"……saidItomyself。Butmyfamily——wifeandchildren——arealsohuman。TheyareplacedjustasIam：theymusteitherliveinalieorseetheterribletruth。Whyshouldtheylive？WhyshouldIlovethem，guardthem，bringthemup，orwatchthem？ThattheymaycometothedespairthatIfeel，orelsebestupid？Lovingthem，Icannothidethetruthfromthem：eachstepinknowledgeleadsthemtothetruth。Andthetruthisdeath。

\"Art，poetry？\"……Undertheinfluenceofsuccessandthepraiseofmen，Ihadlongassuredmyselfthatthiswasathingonecoulddothoughdeathwasdrawingnear——deathwhichdestroysallthings，includingmyworkanditsremembrance；butsoonIsawthatthattoowasafraud。Itwasplaintomethatartisanadornmentoflife，anallurementtolife。Butlifehadlostitsattractionforme，sohowcouldIattractothers？AslongasIwasnotlivingmyownlifebutwasborneonthewavesofsomeotherlife——aslongasIbelievedthatlifehadameaning，thoughoneIcouldnotexpress——thereflectionoflifeinpoetryandartofallkindsaffordedmepleasure：itwaspleasanttolookatlifeinthemirrorofart。ButwhenIbegantoseekthemeaningoflifeandfeltthenecessityoflivingmyownlife，thatmirrorbecameformeunnecessary，superfluous，ridiculous，orpainful。IcouldnolongersoothemyselfwithwhatInowsawinthemirror，namely，thatmypositionwasstupidanddesperate。ItwasallverywelltoenjoythesightwheninthedepthofmysoulIbelievedthatmylifehadameaning。Thentheplayoflights——comic，tragic，touching，beautiful，andterrible——inlifeamusedme。NosweetnessofhoneycouldbesweettomewhenIsawthedragonandsawthemicegnawingawaymysupport。

Norwasthatall。HadIsimplyunderstoodthatlifehadnomeaningIcouldhaveborneitquietly，knowingthatthatwasmylot。ButIcouldnotsatisfymyselfwiththat。HadIbeenlikeamanlivinginawoodfromwhichheknowsthereisnoexit，Icouldhavelived；butIwaslikeonelostinawoodwho，horrifiedathavinglosthisway，rushesaboutwishingtofindtheroad。Heknowsthateachstephetakesconfuseshimmoreandmore，butstillhecannothelprushingabout。

Itwasindeedterrible。AndtoridmyselfoftheterrorI

wishedtokillmyself。Iexperiencedterroratwhatawaitedme——

knewthatthatterrorwasevenworsethanthepositionIwasin，butstillIcouldnotpatientlyawaittheend。Howeverconvincingtheargumentmightbethatinanycasesomevesselinmyheartwouldgiveway，orsomethingwouldburstandallwouldbeover，I

couldnotpatientlyawaitthatend。Thehorrorofdarknesswastoogreat，andIwishedtofreemyselffromitasquicklyaspossiblebynooseorbullet。thatwasthefeelingwhichdrewmemoststronglytowardssuicide。

V

\"ButperhapsIhaveoverlookedsomething，ormisunderstoodsomething？\"saidtomyselfseveraltimes。\"Itcannotbethatthisconditionofdespairisnaturaltoman!\"AndIsoughtforanexplanationoftheseproblemsinallthebranchesofknowledgeacquiredbymen。Isoughtpainfullyandlong，notfromidlecuriosityorlistlessly，butpainfullyandpersistentlydayandnight——soughtasaperishingmanseeksforsafety——andIfoundnothing。

Isoughtinallthesciences，butfarfromfindingwhatI

wanted，becameconvincedthatallwholikemyselfhadsoughtinknowledgeforthemeaningoflifehadfoundnothing。Andnotonlyhadtheyfoundnothing，buttheyhadplainlyacknowledgedthattheverythingwhichmademedespair——namelythesenselessnessoflife——istheoneindubitablethingmancanknow。

Isoughteverywhere；andthankstoalifespentinlearning，andthanksalsotomyrelationswiththescholarlyworld，Ihadaccesstoscientistsandscholarsinallbranchesofknowledge，andtheyreadilyshowedmealltheirknowledge，notonlyinbooksbutalsoinconversation，sothatIhadatmydisposalallthatsciencehastosayonthisquestionoflife。

Iwaslongunabletobelievethatitgivesnootherreplytolife’squestionsthanthatwhichitactuallydoesgive。Itlongseemedtome，whenIsawtheimportantandseriousairwithwhichscienceannouncesitsconclusionswhichhavenothingincommonwiththerealquestionsofhumanlife，thattherewassomethingIhadnotunderstood。Ilongwastimidbeforescience，anditseemedtomethatthelackofconformitybetweentheanswersandmyquestionsarosenotbythefaultofsciencebutfrommyignorance，butthematterwasformenotagameoranamusementbutoneoflifeanddeath，andIwasinvoluntarilybroughttotheconvictionthatmyquestionsweretheonlylegitimateones，formingthebasisofallknowledge，andthatIwithmyquestionswasnottoblame，butscienceifitpretendstoreplytothosequestions。

Myquestion——thatwhichattheageoffiftybroughtmetothevergeofsuicide——wasthesimplestofquestions，lyinginthesoulofeverymanfromthefoolishchildtothewisestelder：itwasaquestionwithoutananswertowhichonecannotlive，asIhadfoundbyexperience。Itwas：\"WhatwillcomeofwhatIamdoingtodayorshalldotomorrow？Whatwillcomeofmywholelife？\"

Differentlyexpressed，thequestionis：\"WhyshouldIlive，whywishforanything，ordoanything？\"Itcanalsobeexpressedthus：\"Isthereanymeaninginmylifethattheinevitabledeathawaitingmedoesnotdestroy？\"

Tothisonequestion，variouslyexpressed，Isoughtananswerinscience。AndIfoundthatinrelationtothatquestionallhumanknowledgeisdividedasitwereintotowoppositehemispheresattheendsofwhicharetwopoles：theoneanegativeandtheotherapositive；butthatneitherattheonenortheotherpoleisthereananswertolife’squestions。

Theoneseriesofsciencesseemsnottorecognizethequestion，butrepliesclearlyandexactlytoitsownindependentquestions：thatistheseriesofexperimentalsciences，andattheextremeendofitstandsmathematics。Theotherseriesofsciencesrecognizesthequestion，butdoesnotanswerit；thatistheseriesofabstractsciences，andattheextremeendofitstandsmetaphysics。

FromearlyyouthIhadbeeninterestedintheabstractsciences，butlaterthemathematicalandnaturalsciencesattractedme，anduntilIputmyquestiondefinitelytomyself，untilthatquestionhaditselfgrownupwithinmeurgentlydemandingadecision，Icontentedmyselfwiththosecounterfeitanswerswhichsciencegives。

NowintheexperimentalsphereIsaidtomyself：\"Everythingdevelopsanddifferentiatesitself，movingtowardscomplexityandperfection，andtherearelawsdirectingthismovement。Youareapartofthewhole。Havinglearntasfaraspossiblethewhole，andhavinglearntthelawofevolution，youwillunderstandalsoyourplaceinthewholeandwillknowyourself。\"AshamedasIamtoconfessit，therewaatimewhenIseemedsatisfiedwiththat。ItwasjustthetimewhenIwasmyselfbecomingmorecomplexandwasdeveloping。Mymusclesweregrowingandstrengthening，mymemorywasbeingenriched，mycapacitytothinkandunderstandwasincreasing，Iwasgrowinganddeveloping；andfeelingthisgrowthinmyselfitwasnaturalformetothinkthatsuchwastheuniversallawinwhichIshouldfindthesolutionofthequestionofmylife。Butatimecamewhenthegrowthwithinmeceased。I

feltthatIwasnotdeveloping，butfading，mymuscleswereweakening，myteethfallingout，andIsawthatthelawnotonlydidnotexplainanythingtome，butthatthereneverhadbeenorcouldbesuchalaw，andthatIhadtakenforalawwhatIhadfoundinmyselfatacertainperiodofmylife。Iregardedthedefinitionofthatlawmorestrictly，anditbecamecleartomethattherecouldbenolawofendlessdevelopment；itbecameclearthattosay，\"ininfinitespaceandtimeeverythingdevelops，becomesmoreperfectandmorecomplex，isdifferentiated\"，istosaynothingatall。Theseareallwordswithnomeaning，forintheinfinitethereisneithercomplexnorsimple，neitherforwardnorbackward，norbetterorworse。

Aboveall，mypersonalquestion，\"WhatamIwithmydesires？\"

remainedquiteunanswered。AndIunderstoodthatthosesciencesareveryinterestingandattractive，butthattheyareexactandclearininverseproportiontotheirapplicabilitytothequestionoflife：thelesstheirapplicabilitytothequestionoflife，themoreexactandcleartheyare，whilethemoretheytrytoreplytothequestionoflife，themoreobscureandunattractivetheybecome。Ifoneturnstothedivisionofscienceswhichattempttoreplytothequestionsoflife——tophysiology，psychology，biology，sociology——oneencountersanappallingpovertyofthought，thegreatestobscurity，aquiteunjustifiablepretensiontosolveirrelevantquestion，andacontinualcontradictionofeachauthoritybyothersandevenbyhimself。Ifoneturnstothebranchesofsciencewhicharenotconcernedwiththesolutionofthequestionsoflife，butwhichreplytotheirownspecialscientificquestions，oneisenrapturedbythepowerofman’smind，butoneknowsinadvancethattheygivenoreplytolife’squestions。Thosesciencessimplyignorelife’squestions。Theysay：\"Tothequestionofwhatyouareandwhyyoulivewehavenoreply，andarenotoccupiedwiththat；butifyouwanttoknowthelawsoflight，ofchemicalcombinations，thelawsofdevelopmentoforganisms，ifyouwanttoknowthelawsofbodiesandtheirform，andtherelationofnumbersandquantities，ifyouwanttoknowthelawsofyourmind，toallthatwehaveclear，exactandunquestionablereplies。\"

Ingeneraltherelationoftheexperimentalsciencestolife’squestionmaybeexpressedthus：Question：\"WhydoIlive？\"

Answer：\"Ininfinitespace，ininfinitetime，infinitelysmallparticleschangetheirformsininfinitecomplexity，andwhenyouhaveunderstoodthelawsofthosemutationsofformyouwillunderstandwhyyouliveontheearth。\"

TheninthesphereofabstractscienceIsaidtomyself：\"Allhumanitylivesanddevelopsonthebasisofspiritualprinciplesandidealswhichguideit。Thoseidealsareexpressedinreligions，insciences，inarts，informsofgovernment。Thoseidealsbecomemoreandmoreelevated，andhumanityadvancestoitshighestwelfare。Iampartofhumanity，andthereforemyvocationistoforwardtherecognitionandtherealizationoftheidealsofhumanity。\"Andatthetimeofmyweak—mindednessIwassatisfiedwiththat；butassoonasthequestionoflifepresenteditselfclearlytome，thosetheoriesimmediatelycrumbledaway。Nottospeakoftheunscrupulousobscuritywithwhichthosesciencesannounceconclusionsformedonthestudyofasmallpartofmankindasgeneralconclusions；nottospeakofthemutualcontradictionsofdifferentadherentsofthisviewastowhataretheidealsofhumanity；thestrangeness，nottosaystupidity，ofthetheoryconsistsinthefactthatinordertoreplytothequestionfacingeachman：\"WhatamI？\"or\"WhydoIlive？\"or\"WhatmustIdo？\"

onehasfirsttodecidethequestion：\"Whatisthelifeofthewhole？\"（whichistohimunknownandofwhichheisacquaintedwithonetinypartinoneminuteperiodoftime。Tounderstandwhatheis，onemanmustfirstunderstandallthismysterioushumanity，consistingofpeoplesuchashimselfwhodonotunderstandoneanother。

IhavetoconfessthattherewasatimewhenIbelievedthis。

ItwasthetimewhenIhadmyownfavouriteidealsjustifyingmyowncaprices，andIwastryingtodeviseatheorywhichwouldallowonetoconsidermycapricesasthelawofhumanity。Butassoonasthequestionoflifearoseinmysoulinfullclearnessthatreplyatoncefewtodust。AndIunderstoodthatasintheexperimentalsciencestherearerealsciences，andsemi—scienceswhichtrytogiveanswerstoquestionsbeyondtheircompetence，sointhisspherethereisawholeseriesofmostdiffusedscienceswhichtrytoreplytoirrelevantquestions。Semi—sciencesofthatkind，thejuridicalandthesocial—historical，endeavourtosolvethequestionsofaman’slifebypretendingtodecideeachinitsownway，thequestionofthelifeofallhumanity。

Butasinthesphereofman’sexperimentalknowledgeonewhosincerelyinquireshowheistolivecannotbesatisfiedwiththereply——\"Studyinendlessspacethemutations，infiniteintimeandincomplexity，ofinnumerableatoms，andthenyouwillunderstandyourlife\"——soalsoasinceremancannotbesatisfiedwiththereply：\"Studythewholelifeofhumanityofwhichwecannotknoweitherthebeginningortheend，ofwhichwedonotevenknowasmallpart，andthenyouwillunderstandyourownlife。\"Andliketheexperimentalsemi—sciences，sotheseothersemi—sciencesarethemorefilledwithobscurities，inexactitudes，stupidities，andcontradictions，thefurthertheydivergefromtherealproblems。Theproblemofexperimentalscienceisthesequenceofcauseandeffectinmaterialphenomena。Itisonlynecessaryforexperimentalsciencetointroducethequestionofafinalcauseforittobecomenonsensical。Theproblemofabstractscienceistherecognitionoftheprimordialessenceoflife。Itisonlynecessarytointroducetheinvestigationofconsequentialphenomena（suchassocialandhistoricalphenomena）anditalsobecomesnonsensical。

Experimentalscienceonlythengivespositiveknowledgeanddisplaysthegreatnessofthehumanmindwhenitdoesnotintroduceintoitsinvestigationsthequestionofanultimatecause。And，onthecontrary，abstractscienceisonlythenscienceanddisplaysthegreatnessofthehumanmindwhenitputsquiteasidequestionsrelatingtotheconsequentialcausesofphenomenaandregardsmansolelyinrelationtoanultimatecause。Suchinthisrealmofscience——formingthepoleofthesphere——ismetaphysicsorphilosophy。Thatsciencestatesthequestionclearly：\"WhatamI，andwhatistheuniverse？AndwhydoIexist，andwhydoestheuniverseexist？\"Andsinceithasexistedithasalwaysrepliedinthesameway。Whetherthephilosophercallstheessenceoflifeexistingwithinme，andinallthatexists，bythenameof\"idea\"，or\"substance\"，or\"spirit\"，or\"will\"，hesaysoneandthesamething：thatthisessenceexistsandthatIamofthatsameessence；butwhyitishedoesnotknow，anddoesnotsay，ifheisanexactthinker。Iask：\"Whyshouldthisessenceexist？Whatresultsfromthefactthatitisandwillbe？\"……Andphilosophynotmerelydoesnotreply，butisitselfonlyaskingthatquestion。

Andifitisrealphilosophyallitslabourliesmerelyintryingtoputthatquestionclearly。Andifitkeepsfirmlytoitstaskitcannotreplytothequestionotherwisethanthus：\"WhatamI，andwhatistheuniverse？\"\"Allandnothing\"；andtothequestion\"Why？\"by\"Idonotknow\"。

SothathoweverImayturntheserepliesofphilosophy，Icanneverobtainanythinglikeananswer——andnotbecause，asintheclearexperimentalsphere，thereplydoesnotrelatetomyquestion，butbecausehere，thoughallthementalworkisdirectedjusttomyquestion，thereisnoanswer，butinsteadofanansweronegetsthesamequestion，onlyinacomplexform。

VI

Inmysearchforanswerstolife’squestionsIexperiencedjustwhatisfeltbyamanlostinaforest。