Whatifanexecutionerpassinghiswholelifeintorturingpeopleandcuttingofftheirheads，orahopelessdrunkard，oramadmansettledforlifeinadarkroomwhichhehasfouledandimaginesthathewouldperishifheleft——whatifheaskedhimself：\"Whatislife？\"Evidentlyhecouldnototherreplytothatquestionthanthatlifeisthegreatestevil，andthemadman’sanswerwouldbeperfectlycorrect，butonlyasappliedtohimself。
WhatifIamsuchamadman？Whatifallwerichandleisuredpeoplearesuchmadmen？andIunderstoodthatwereallyaresuchmadmen。Iatanyratewascertainlysuch。
Andindeedabirdissomadethatitmustfly，collectfood，andbuildanest，andwhenIseethatabirddoesthisIhavepleasureinitsjoy。Agoat，ahare，andawolfaresomadethattheymustfeedthemselves，andmustbreedandfeedtheirfamily，andwhentheydosoIfeelfirmlyassuredthattheyarehappyandthattheirlifeisareasonableone。thenwhatshouldamando？
Hetooshouldproducehislivingastheanimalsdo，butwiththisdifference，thathewillperishifhedoesitalone；hemustobtainitnotforhimselfbutforall。Andwhenhedoesthat，Ihaveafirmassurancethatheishappyandthathislifeisreasonable。
ButwhathadIdoneduringthewholethirtyyearsofmyresponsiblelife？Farfromproducingsustenanceforall，Ididnotevenproduceitformyself。Ilivedasaparasite，andonaskingmyself，whatistheuseofmylife？Igotthereply：\"Nouse。\"Ifthemeaningofhumanlifeliesinsupportingit，howcouldI——whoforthirtyyearshadbeenengagednotonsupportinglifebutondestroyingitinmyselfandinothers——howcouldIobtainanyotheranswerthanthatmylifewassenselessandanevil？……Itwasbothsenselessandevil。
Thelifeoftheworldenduresbysomeone’swill——bythelifeofthewholeworldandbyourlivessomeonefulfillshispurpose。
Tohopetounderstandthemeaningofthatwillonemustfirstperformitbydoingwhatiswantedofus。ButifIwillnotdowhatiswantedofme，Ishallneverunderstandwhatiswantedofme，andstilllesswhatiswantedofusallandofthewholeworld。
Ifanaked，hungrybeggarhasbeentakenfromthecross—roads，broughtintoabuildingbelongingtoabeautifulestablishment，fed，suppliedwithdrink，andobligedtomoveahandleupanddown，evidently，beforediscussingwhyhewastaken，whyheshouldmovethehandle，andwhetherthewholeestablishmentisreasonablyarranged——thebeggershouldfirstofallmovethehandle。Ifhemovesthehandlehewillunderstandthatitworksapump，thatthepumpdrawswaterandthatthewaterirrigatesthegardenbeds；thenhewillbetakenfromthepumpingstationtoanotherplacewherehewillgatherfruitsandwillenterintothejoyofhismaster，and，passingfromlowertohigherwork，willunderstandmoreandmoreofthearrangementsoftheestablishment，andtakingpartinitwillneverthinkofaskingwhyheisthere，andwillcertainlynotreproachthemaster。
Sothosewhodohiswill，thesimple，unlearnedworkingfolk，whomweregardascattle，donotreproachthemaster；butwe，thewise，eatthemaster’sfoodbutdonotdowhatthemasterwishes，andinsteadofdoingitsitinacircleanddiscuss：\"Whyshouldthathandlebemoved？Isn’titstupid？\"Sowehavedecided。Wehavedecidedthatthemasterisstupid，ordoesnotexist，andthatwearewise，onlywefeelthatwearequiteuselessandthatwemustsomehowdoawaywithourselves。
XII
Theconsciousnessoftheerrorinreasonableknowledgehelpedmetofreemyselffromthetemptationofidleratiocination。theconvictionthatknowledgeoftruthcanonlybefoundbylivingledmetodoubttherightnessofmylife；butIwassavedonlybythefactthatIwasabletotearmyselffrommyexclusivenessandtoseethereallifeoftheplainworkingpeople，andtounderstandthatitaloneisreallife。IunderstoodthatifIwishtounderstandlifeanditsmeaning，Imustnotlivethelifeofaparasite，butmustliveareallife，and——takingthemeaninggiventolivebyrealhumanityandmergingmyselfinthatlife——
verifyit。
Duringthattimethisiswhathappenedtome。Duringthatwholeyear，whenIwasaskingmyselfalmosteverymomentwhetherI
shouldnotendmatterswithanooseorabullet——allthattime，togetherwiththecourseofthoughtandobservationaboutwhichI
havespoken，myheartwasoppressedwithapainfulfeeling，whichIcanonlydescribeasasearchforGod。
IsaythatthatsearchforGodwasnotreasoning，butafeeling，becausethatsearchproceedednotfromthecourseofmythoughts——itwasevendirectlycontrarytothem——butproceededfromtheheart。Itwasafeelingoffear，orphanage，isolationinastrangeland，andahopeofhelpfromsomeone。
ThoughIwasquiteconvincedoftheimpossibilityofprovingtheexistenceofaDeity（Kanthadshown，andIquiteunderstoodhim，thatitcouldnotbeproved），Iyetsoughtforgod，hopedthatIshouldfindHim，andfromoldhabitaddressedprayerstothatwhichIsoughtbuthadnotfound。IwentoverinmymindtheargumentsofKantandSchopenhauershowingtheimpossibilityofprovingtheexistenceofaGod，andIbegantoverifythoseargumentsandtorefutethem。Cause，saidItomyself，isnotacategoryofthoughtsuchasareTimeandSpace。IfIexist，theremustbesomecauseforit，andacauseofcauses。Andthatfirstcauseofalliswhatmenhavecalled\"God\"。AndIpausedonthatthought，andtriedwithallmybeingtorecognizethepresenceofthatcause。AndassoonasIacknowledgedthatthereisaforceinwhosepowerIam，IatoncefeltthatIcouldlive。ButIaskedmyself：Whatisthatcause，thatforce？HowamItothinkofit？
WhataremyrelationstothatwhichIcall\"God\"？Andonlythefamiliarrepliesoccurredtome：\"HeistheCreatorandPreserver。\"Thisreplydidnotsatisfyme，andIfeltIwaslosingwithinmewhatIneededformylife。IbecameterrifiedandbegantopraytoHimwhomIsought，thatHeshouldhelpme。ButthemoreIprayedthemoreapparentitbecametomethatHedidnothearme，andthattherewasnoonetowhomtoaddressmyself。AndwithdespairinmyheartthatthereisnoGodatall，Isaid：\"Lord，havemercy，saveme!Lord，teachme!\"Butnoonehadmercyonme，andIfeltthatmylifewascomingtoastandstill。
Butagainandagain，fromvarioussides，IreturnedtothesameconclusionthatIcouldnothavecomeintotheworldwithoutanycauseorreasonormeaning；IcouldnotbesuchafledglingfallenfromitsnestasIfeltmyselftobe。Or，grantingthatI
besuch，lyingonmybackcryinginthehighgrass，eventhenIcrybecauseIknowthatamotherhasbornemewithinher，hashatchedme，warmedme，fedme，andlovedme。Whereisshe——thatmother？
IfIhavebeendeserted，whohasdesertedme？Icannothidefrommyselfthatsomeoneboredme，lovingme。Whowasthatsomeone？
Again\"God\"？Heknowsandseesmysearching，mydespair，andmystruggle。\"
\"Heexists，\"saidItomyself。AndIhadonlyforaninstanttoadmitthat，andatonceliferosewithinme，andIfeltthepossibilityandjoyofbeing。Butagain，fromtheadmissionoftheexistenceofaGodIwentontoseekmyrelationwithHim；andagainIimagined*that*God——ourCreatorinThreePersonswhosentHisSon，theSaviour——andagain*that*God，detachedfromtheworldandfromme，meltedlikeablockofice，meltedbeforemyeyes，andagainnothingremained，andagainthespringoflifedriedupwithinme，andIdespairedandfeltthatIhadnothingtodobuttokillmyself。Andtheworstofallwas，thatIfeltI
couldnotdoit。
Nottwiceorthreetimes，buttensandhundredsoftimes，I
reachedthoseconditions，firstofjoyandanimation，andthenofdespairandconsciousnessoftheimpossibilityofliving。
Irememberthatitwasinearlyspring：Iwasaloneinthewoodlisteningtoitssounds。Ilistenedandthoughteverofthesamething，asIhadconstantlydoneduringthoselastthreeyears。
IwasagainseekingGod。
\"Verywell，thereisnoGod，\"saidItomyself；\"thereisnoonewhoisnotmyimaginationbutarealitylikemywholelife。
Hedoesnotexist，andnomiraclescanproveHisexistence，becausethemiracleswouldbemyimagination，besidesbeingirrational。
\"Butmy*perception*ofGod，ofHimwhomIseek，\"Iaskedmyself，\"wherehasthatperceptioncomefrom？\"Andagainatthisthoughtthegladwavesofliferosewithinme。Allthatwasaroundmecametolifeandreceivedameaning。Butmyjoydidnotlastlong。Mymindcontinueditswork。
\"TheconceptionofGodisnotGod，\"saidItomyself。\"Theconceptioniswhattakesplacewithinme。TheconceptionofGodissomethingIcanevokeorcanrefrainfromevokinginmyself。ThatisnotwhatIseek。Iseekthatwithoutwhichtherecanbenolife。\"Andagainallaroundmeandwithinmebegantodie，andagainIwishedtokillmyself。
ButthenIturnedmygazeuponmyself，onwhatwentonwithinme，andIrememberedallthosecessationsoflifeandreanimationsthatrecurredwithinmehundredsoftimes。IrememberedthatI
onlylivedatthosetimeswhenIbelievedinGod。Asitwasbefore，soitwasnow；IneedonlybeawareofGodtolive；IneedonlyforgetHim，ordisbelieveHim，andIdied。
Whatisthisanimationanddying？IdonotlivewhenIlosebeliefintheexistenceofGod。IshouldlongagohavekilledmyselfhadInothadadimhopeoffindingHim。Ilive，reallylive，onlywhenIfeelHimandseekHim。\"Whatmoredoyouseek？\"
exclaimedavoicewithinme。\"ThisisHe。Heisthatwithoutwhichonecannotlive。ToknowGodandtoliveisoneandthesamething。Godislife。\"
\"LiveseekingGod，andthenyouwillnotlivewithoutGod。\"
Andmorethaneverbefore，allwithinmeandaroundmelitup，andthelightdidnotagainabandonme。
AndIwassavedfromsuicide。WhenandhowthischangeoccurredIcouldnotsay。AsimperceptiblyandgraduallytheforceoflifeinmehadbeendestroyedandIhadreachedtheimpossibilityofliving，acessationoflifeandthenecessityofsuicide，soimperceptiblyandgraduallydidthatforceoflifereturntome。Andstrangetosaythestrengthoflifewhichreturnedtomewasnotnew，butquiteold——thesamethathadbornemealonginmyearliestdays。
Iquitereturnedtowhatbelongedtomyearliestchildhoodandyouth。IreturnedtothebeliefinthatWillwhichproducedmeanddesiressomethingofme。Ireturnedtothebeliefthatthechiefandonlyaimofmylifeistobebetter，i。e。toliveinaccordwiththatWill。andIreturnedtothebeliefthatIcanfindtheexpressionofthatWillinwhathumanity，inthedistantpasthiddenfrom，hasproducedforitsguidance：thatistosay，I
returnedtoabeliefinGod，inmoralperfection，andinatraditiontransmittingthemeaningoflife。Therewasonlythisdifference，thatthenallthiswasacceptedunconsciously，whilenowIknewthatwithoutitIcouldnotlive。
Whathappenedtomewassomethinglikethis：Iwasputintoaboat（Idonotrememberwhen）andpushedofffromanunknownshore，shownthedirectionoftheoppositeshore，hadoarsputintomyunpractisedhands，andwasleftalone。IrowedasbestIcouldandmovedforward；butthefurtherIadvancedtowardsthemiddleofthestreamthemorerapidgrewthecurrentbearingmeawayfrommygoalandthemorefrequentlydidIencounterothers，likemyself，borneawaybythestream。Therewereafewrowerswhocontinuedtorow，therewereotherswhohadabandonedtheiroars；therewerelargeboatsandimmensevesselsfullofpeople。Somestruggledagainstthecurrent，othersyieldedtoit。AndthefurtherIwentthemore，seeingtheprogressdownthecurrentofallthosewhowereadrift，Iforgotthedirectiongivenme。Intheverycentreofthestream，amidthecrowdofboatsandvesselswhichwerebeingbornedownstream，Iquitelostmydirectionandabandonedmyoars。
Aroundmeonallsides，withmirthandrejoicing，peoplewithsailsandoarswerebornedownthestream，assuringmeandeachotherthatnootherdirectionwaspossible。AndIbelievedthemandfloatedwiththem。AndIwascarriedfar；sofarthatIheardtheroaroftherapidsinwhichImustbeshattered，andIsawboatsshatteredinthem。AndIrecollectedmyself。Iwaslongunabletounderstandwhathadhappenedtome。Isawbeforemenothingbutdestruction，towardswhichIwasrushingandwhichIfeared。Isawnosafetyanywhereanddidnotknowwhattodo；but，lookingback，Iperceivedinnumerableboatswhichunceasinglyandstrenuouslypushedacrossthestream，andIrememberedabouttheshore，theoars，andthedirection，andbegantopullbackupwardsagainstthestreamandtowardsthewhore。
ThatshorewasGod；thatdirectionwastradition；theoarswerethefreedomgivenmetopullfortheshoreandunitewithGod。
AndsotheforceoflifewasrenewedinmeandIagainbegantolive。
XIII
Iturnedfromthelifeofourcircle，acknowledgingthatoursisnotlifebutasimulationoflife——thattheconditionsofsuperfluityinwhichwelivedepriveusofthepossibilityofunderstandinglife，andthatinordertounderstandlifeImustunderstandnotanexceptionallifesuchasourwhoareparasitesonlife，butthelifeofthesimplelabouringfolk——thosewhomakelife——andthemeaningwhichtheyattributetoit。ThesimplestlabouringpeoplearoundmeweretheRussianpeople，andIturnedtothemandtothemeaningoflifewhichtheygive。Thatmeaning，ifonecanputitintowords，wasasfollows：EverymanhascomeintothisworldbythewillofGod。AndGodhassomademanthateverymancandestroyhissoulorsaveit。Theaimofmaninlifeistosavehissoul，andtosavehissoulhemustlive\"godly\"andtolive\"godly\"hemustrenounceallthepleasuresoflife，mustlabour，humblehimself，suffer，andbemerciful。Thatmeaningthepeopleobtainfromthewholeteachingoffaithtransmittedtothembytheirpastorsandbythetraditionsthatliveamongthepeople。
Thismeaningwascleartomeandneartomyheart。Buttogetherwiththismeaningofthepopularfaithofournon—sectarianfolk，amongwhomIlive，muchwasinseparablyboundupthatrevoltedmeandseemedtomeinexplicable：sacraments，Churchservices，fasts，andtheadorationofrelicsandicons。Thepeoplecannotseparatetheonefromtheother，norcouldI。Andstrangeasmuchofwhatenteredintothefaithofthesepeoplewastome，Iacceptedeverything，andattendedtheservices，kneltmorningandeveninginprayer，fasted，andpreparedtoreceivetheEucharist：andatfirstmyreasondidnotresistanything。Theverythingsthathadformerlyseemedtomeimpossibledidnotnowevokeinmeanyopposition。
Myrelationstofaithbeforeandafterwerequitedifferent。
Formerlylifeitselfseemedtomefullofmeaningandfaithpresenteditselfasthearbitraryassertionofpropositionstomequiteunnecessary，unreasonable，anddisconnectedfromlife。I
thenaskedmyselfwhatmeaningthosepropositionshadand，convincedthattheyhadnone，Irejectedthem。NowonthecontraryIknewfirmlythatmylifeotherwisehas，andcanhave，nomeaning，andthearticlesoffaithwerefarfrompresentingthemselvestomeasunnecessary——onthecontraryIhadbeenledbyindubitableexperiencetotheconvictionthatonlythesepropositionspresentedbyfaithgivelifeameaning。formerlyIlookedonthemasonsomequiteunnecessarygibberish，butnow，ifIdidnotunderstandthem，Iyetknewthattheyhadameaning，andIsaidtomyselfthatI
mustlearntounderstandthem。
Iarguedasfollows，tellingmyselfthattheknowledgeoffaithflows，likeallhumanitywithitsreason，fromamysterioussource。ThatsourceisGod，theoriginbothofthehumanbodyandthehumanreason。AsmybodyhasdescendedtomefromGod，soalsohasmyreasonandmyunderstandingoflife，andconsequentlythevariousstagesofthedevelopmentofthatunderstandingoflifecannotbefalse。Allthatpeoplesincerelybelieveinmustbetrue；itmaybedifferentlyexpressedbutitcannotbealie，andthereforeifitpresentsitselftomeasalie，thatonlymeansthatIhavenotunderstoodit。FurthermoreIsaidtomyself，theessenceofeveryfaithconsistsinitsgivinglifeameaningwhichdeathdoesnotdestroy。Naturallyforafaithtobeabletoreplytothequestionsofakingdyinginluxury，ofanoldslavetormentedbyoverwork，ofanunreasoningchild，ofawiseoldman，ofahalf—wittedoldwoman，ofayoungandhappywife，ofayouthtormentedbypassions，ofallpeopleinthemostvariedconditionsoflifeandeducation——ifthereisonereplytotheoneeternalquestionoflife：\"WhydoIliveandwhatwillresultfrommylife？\"——thereply，thoughoneinitsessence，mustbeendlesslyvariedinitspresentation；andthemoreitisone，themoretrueandprofounditis，themorestrangeanddeformedmustitnaturallyappearinitsattemptedexpression，conformablytotheeducationandpositionofeachperson。Butthisargument，justifyinginmyeyesthequeernessofmuchontheritualsideofreligion，didnotsufficetoallowmeintheonegreataffairoflife——religion——
todothingswhichseemedtomequestionable。WithallmysoulI
wishedtobeinapositiontominglewiththepeople，fulfillingtheritualsideoftheirreligion；butIcouldnotdoit。IfeltthatIshouldlietomyselfandmockatwhatwassacredtome，wereItodoso。Atthispoint，however，ournewRussiantheologicalwriterscametomyrescue。
Accordingtotheexplanationthesetheologiansgave，thefundamentaldogmaofourfaithistheinfallibilityoftheChurch。
FromtheadmissionofthatdogmafollowsinevitablythetruthofallthatisprofessedbytheChurch。TheChurchasanassemblyoftruebelieversunitedbyloveandthereforepossessedoftrueknowledgebecamethebasisofmybelief。Itoldmyselfthatdivinetruthcannotbeaccessibletoaseparateindividual；itisrevealedonlytothewholeassemblyofpeopleunitedbylove。Toattaintruthonemustnotseparate，andinordernottoseparateonemustloveandmustendurethingsonemaynotagreewith。
Truthrevealsitselftolove，andifyoudonotsubmittotheritesoftheChurchyoutransgressagainstlove；andbytransgressingagainstloveyoudepriveyourselfofthepossibilityofrecognizingthetruth。Ididnotthenseethesophistrycontainedinthisargument。Ididnotseethatunioninlovemaygivethegreatestlove，butcertainlycannotgiveusdivinetruthexpressedinthedefinitewordsoftheNiceneCreed。Ialsodidnotperceivethatlovecannotmakeacertainexpressionoftruthanobligatoryconditionofunion。IdidnotthenseethesemistakesintheargumentandthankstoitwasabletoacceptandperformalltheritesoftheOrthodoxChurchwithoutunderstandingmostofthem。Ithentriedwithallstrengthofmysoultoavoidallargumentsandcontradictions，andtriedtoexplainasreasonablyaspossibletheChurchstatementsIencountered。
WhenfulfillingtheritesoftheChurchIhumbledmyreasonandsubmittedtothetraditionpossessedbyallhumanity。Iunitedmyselfwithmyforefathers：thefather，mother，andgrandparentsI
loved。Theyandallmypredecessorsbelievedandlived，andtheyproducedme。IunitedmyselfalsowiththemissionsofthecommonpeoplewhomIrespected。Moveover，thoseactionshadnothingbadinthemselves（\"bad\"Iconsideredtheindulgenceofone’sdesires）。
WhenrisingearlyforChurchservicesIknewIwasdoingwell，ifonlybecauseIwassacrificingmybodilyeasetohumblemymentalpride，forthesakeofunionwithmyancestorsandcontemporaries，andforthesakeoffindingthemeaningoflife。ItwasthesamewithmypreparationstoreceiveCommunion，andwiththedailyreadingofprayerswithgenuflections，andalsowiththeobservanceofallthefasts。HoweverinsignificantthesesacrificesmightbeImadethemforthesakeofsomethinggood。Ifasted，preparedforCommunion，andobservedthefixedhoursofprayerathomeandinchurch。DuringChurchserviceIattendedtoeveryword，andgavethemameaningwheneverIcould。IntheMassthemostimportantwordsformewere：\"Letusloveoneanotherinconformity!\"Thefurtherwords，\"InunitywebelieveintheFather，theSon，andHolyGhost\"，Ipassedby，becauseIcouldnotunderstandthem。
XIV
InwasthensonecessaryformetobelieveinordertolivethatIunconsciouslyconcealedfrommyselfthecontradictionsandobscuritiesoftheology。butthisreadingofmeaningsintotheriteshaditslimits。IfthechiefwordsintheprayerfortheEmperorbecamemoreandmorecleartome，ifIfoundsomeexplanationforthewords\"andrememberingourSovereignMost—HolyMotherofGodandalltheSaints，ourselvesandoneanother，wegiveourwholelifetoChristourGod\"，ifIexplainedtomyselfthefrequentrepetitionofprayersfortheTsarandhisrelationsbythefactthattheyaremoreexposedtotemptationsthanotherpeopleandthereforearemoreinneedofbeingprayedfor——theprayersaboutsubduingourenemiesandevilunderourfeet（evenifonetriedtosaythat*sin*wastheenemyprayedagainst），theseandotherprayers，suchasthe\"cherubicsong\"andthewholesacramentofoblation，or\"thechosenWarriors\"，etc。——quitetwo—
thirdsofalltheservices——eitherremainedcompletelyincomprehensibleor，whenIforcedanexplanationintothem，mademefeelthatIwaslying，therebyquitedestroyingmyrelationtoGodanddeprivingmeofallpossibilityofbelief。
Ifeltthesameaboutthecelebrationofthechiefholidays。
ToremembertheSabbath，thatistodevoteonedaytoGod，wassomethingIcouldunderstand。ButthechiefholidaywasincommemorationoftheResurrection，therealityofwhichIcouldnotpicturetomyselforunderstand。Andthatnameof\"Resurrection\"
wasalsogiventheweeklyholiday。[Footnote：InRussiaSundaywascalledResurrection—day。——A。M。]AndonthosedaystheSacramentoftheEucharistwasadministered，whichwasquiteunintelligibletome。Therestofthetwelvegreatholidays，exceptChristmas，commemoratedmiracles——thethingsItriednottothinkaboutinordernottodeny：theAscension，Pentecost，Epiphany，theFeastoftheIntercessionoftheHolyVirgin，etc。
Atthecelebrationoftheseholidays，feelingthatimportancewasbeingattributedtotheverythingsthattomepresentedanegativeimportance，Ieitherdevisedtranquillizingexplanationsorshutmyeyesinordernottoseewhattemptedme。
MostofallthishappenedtomewhentakingpartinthemostusualSacraments，whichareconsideredthemostimportant：baptismandcommunion。ThereIencounterednotincomprehensiblebutfullycomprehensibledoings：doingswhichseemedtometoleadintotemptation，andIwasinadilemma——whethertolieortorejectthem。
NevershallIforgethepainfulfeelingIexperiencedthedayIreceivedtheEucharistforthefirsttimeaftermanyyears。Theservice，confession，andprayerswerequiteintelligibleandproducedinmeagladconsciousnessthatthemeaningoflifewasbeingrevealedtome。TheCommunionitselfIexplainedasanactperformedinremembranceofChrist，andindicatingapurificationfromsinandthefullacceptanceofChrist’steaching。IfthatexplanationwasartificialIdidnotnoticeitsartificiality：sohappywasIathumblingandabasingmyselfbeforethepriest——asimple，timidcountryclergyman——turningallthedirtoutofmysoulandconfessingmyvices，sogladwasItomergeinthoughtwiththehumilityofthefatherswhowrotetheprayersoftheoffice，sogladwasIofunionwithallwhohavebelievedandnowbelieve，thatIdidnotnoticetheartificialityofmyexplanation。
ButwhenIapproachedthealtargates，andthepriestmademesaythatIbelievedthatwhatIwasabouttoswallowwastrulyfleshandblood，Ifeltapaininmyheart：itwasnotmerelyafalsenote，itwasacrueldemandmadebysomeoneorotherwhoevidentlyhadneverknownwhatfaithis。
Inowpermitmyselftosaythatitwasacrueldemand，butI
didnotthenthinkso：onlyitwasindescribablypainfultome。I
wasnolongerinthepositioninwhichIhadbeeninyouthwhenI
thoughtallinlifewasclear；Ihadindeedcometofaithbecause，apartfromfaith，Ihadfoundnothing，certainlynothing，exceptdestruction；thereforetothrowawaythatfaithwasimpossibleandIsubmitted。AndIfoundinmysoulafeelingwhichhelpedmetoendureit。Thiswasthefeelingofself—abasementandhumility。
Ihumbledmyself，swallowedthatfleshandbloodwithoutanyblasphemousfeelingsandwithawishtobelieve。Buttheblowhadbeenstruckand，knowingwhatawaitedme，Icouldnotgoasecondtime。
IcontinuedtofulfiltheritesoftheChurchandstillbelievedthatthedoctrineIwasfollowingcontainedthetruth，whensomethinghappenedtomewhichInowunderstandbutwhichthenseemedstrange。
Iwaslisteningtotheconversationofanilliteratepeasant，apilgrim，aboutGod，faith，life，andsalvation，whenaknowledgeoffaithrevealeditselftome。Idrewneartothepeople，listeningtotheiropinionsoflifeandfaith，andIunderstoodthetruthmoreandmore。SoalsowasitwhenIreadtheLivesofHolymen，whichbecamemyfavouritebooks。Puttingasidethemiraclesandregardingthemasfablesillustratingthoughts，thisreadingrevealedtomelife’smeaning。TherewerethelivesofMakariustheGreat，thestoryofBuddha，therewerethewordsofSt。JohnChrysostom，andtherewerethestoriesofthetravellerinthewell，themonkwhofoundsomegold，andofPeterthepublican。
Therewerestoriesofthemartyrs，allannouncingthatdeathdoesnotexcludelife，andtherewerethestoriesofignorant，stupidmen，whoknewnothingoftheteachingoftheChurchbutwhoyetweresaves。
ButassoonasImetlearnedbelieversortookuptheirbooks，doubtofmyself，dissatisfaction，andexasperateddisputationwererousedwithinme，andIfeltthatthemoreIenteredintothemeaningofthesemen’sspeech，themoreIwentastrayfromtruthandapproachedanabyss。
XV
HowoftenIenviedthepeasantstheirilliteracyandlackoflearning!Thosestatementsinthecreedswhichtomewereevidentabsurdities，forthemcontainednothingfalse；theycouldacceptthemandcouldbelieveinthetruth——thetruthIbelievedin。
Onlytome，unhappyman，wasitclearthatwithtruthfalsehoodwasinterwovenbyfinestthreads，andthatIcouldnotacceptitinthatform。
SoIlivedforaboutthreeyears。Atfirst，whenIwasonlyslightlyassociatedwithtruthasacatechumenandwasonlyscentingoutwhatseemedtomeclearest，theseencountersstruckmeless。WhenIdidnotunderstandanything，Isaid，\"Itismyfault，Iamsinful\"；butthemoreIbecameimbuedwiththetruthsIwaslearning，themoretheybecamethebasisofmylife，themoreoppressiveandthemorepainfulbecametheseencountersandthesharperbecamethelinebetweenwhatIdonotunderstandbecauseI
amnotabletounderstandit，andwhatcannotbeunderstoodexceptbylyingtooneself。
InspiteofmydoubtsandsufferingsIstillclungtotheOrthodoxChurch。Butquestionsoflifearosewhichhadtobedecided；andthedecisionofthesequestionsbytheChurch——
contrarytotheverybasesofthebeliefbywhichIlived——
obligedmeatlasttorenouncecommunionwithOrthodoxyasimpossible。Thesequestionswere：firsttherelationoftheOrthodoxEasternChurchtootherChurches——totheCatholicsandtotheso—calledsectarians。Atthattime，inconsequenceofmyinterestinreligion，Icameintotouchwithbelieversofvariousfaiths：Catholics，protestants，Old—Believers，Molokans[Footnote：
Asectthatrejectssacramentsandritual。]，andothers。AndI
metamongthemmanymenofloftymoralswhoweretrulyreligious。
Iwishedtobeabrothertothem。Andwhathappened？Thatteachingwhichpromisedtouniteallinonefaithandlove——thatveryteaching，inthepersonofitsbestrepresentatives，toldmethatthesemenwerealllivingalie；thatwhatgavethemtheirpoweroflifewasatemptationofthedevil；andthatwealonepossesstheonlypossibletruth。AndIsawthatallwhodonotprofessanidenticalfaithwiththemselvesareconsideredbytheOrthodoxtobeheretics，justastheCatholicsandothersconsidertheOrthodoxtobeheretics。AndisawthattheOrthodox（thoughtheytrytohidethis）regardwithhostilityallwhodonotexpresstheirfaithbythesameexternalsymbolsandwordsasthemselves；
andthisisnaturallyso；first，becausetheassertionthatyouareinfalsehoodandIamintruth，isthemostcruelthingonemancansaytoanother；andsecondly，becauseamanlovinghischildrenandbrotherscannothelpbeinghostiletothosewhowishtoperverthischildrenandbrotherstoafalsebelief。Andthathostilityisincreasedinproportiontoone’sgreaterknowledgeoftheology。
Andtomewhoconsideredthattruthlayinunionbylove，itbecameself—evidentthattheologywasitselfdestroyingwhatitoughttoproduce。
Thisoffenceissoobvioustouseducatedpeoplewhohavelivedincountrieswherevariousreligionsareprofessedandhaveseenthecontempt，self—assurance，andinvinciblecontradictionwithwhichCatholicsbehavetotheOrthodoxGreeksandtotheProtestants，andtheOrthodoxtoCatholicsandProtestants，andtheProtestantstothetwoothers，andthesimilarattitudeofOld—
Believers，Pashkovites（RussianEvangelicals），Shakers，andallreligions——thattheveryobviousnessofthetemptationatfirstperplexesus。Onesaystooneself：itisimpossiblethatitissosimpleandthatpeopledonotseethatiftwoassertionsaremutuallycontradictory，thenneitherofthemhasthesoletruthwhichfaithshouldpossess。Thereissomethingelsehere，theremustbesomeexplanation。Ithoughttherewas，andsoughtthatexplanationandreadallIcouldonthesubject，andconsultedallwhomIcould。Andnoonegavemeanyexplanation，excepttheonewhichcausestheSumskyHussarstoconsidertheSumskyHussarsthebestregimentintheworld，andtheYellowUhlanstoconsiderthatthebestregimentintheworldistheYellowUhlans。Theecclesiasticsofallthedifferentcreeds，throughtheirbestrepresentatives，toldmenothingbutthattheybelievedthemselvestohavethetruthandtheotherstobeinerror，andthatalltheycoulddowastoprayforthem。Iwenttoarchimandrites，bishops，elders，monksofthestrictestorders，andaskedthem；butnoneofthemmadeanyattempttoexplainthemattertomeexceptoneman，whoexplaineditallandexplaineditsothatIneveraskedanyoneanymoreaboutit。Isaidthatforeveryunbelieverturningtoabelief（andallouryounggenerationareinapositiontodoso）
thequestionthatpresentsitselffirstis，whyistruthnotinLutheranismnorinCatholicism，butinOrthodoxy？Educatedinthehighschoolhecannothelpknowingwhatthepeasantsdonotknow——
thattheProtestantsandCatholicsequallyaffirmthattheirfaithistheonlytrueone。Historicalevidence，twistedbyeachreligioninitsownfavour，isinsufficient。Isitnotpossible，saidI，tounderstandtheteachinginaloftierway，sothatfromitsheightthedifferencesshoulddisappear，astheydoforonewhobelievestruly？CanwenotgofurtheralongapathliketheonewearefollowingwiththeOld—Believers？Theyemphasizethefactthattheyhaveadifferentlyshapedcrossanddifferentalleluiasandadifferentprocessionroundthealtar。Wereply：YoubelieveintheNiceneCreed，inthesevensacraments，andsodowe。Letusholdtothat，andinothermattersdoasyoupease。Wehaveunitedwiththembyplacingtheessentialsoffaithabovetheunessentials。NowwiththeCatholicscanwenotsay：Youbelieveinsoandsoandinsoandso，whicharethechiefthings，andasfortheFilioqueclauseandthePope——doasyouplease。CanwenotsaythesametotheProtestants，unitingwiththeminwhatismostimportant？
Myinterlocutoragreedwithmythoughts，buttoldmethatsuchconceptionswouldbringreproachothespiritualauthoritiesfordesertingthefaithofourforefathers，andthiswouldproduceaschism；andthevocationofthespiritualauthoritiesistosafeguardinallitspuritytheGreco—RussianOrthodoxfaithinheritedfromourforefathers。
AndIunderstooditall。Iamseekingafaith，thepoweroflife；andtheyareseekingthebestwaytofulfilintheeyesofmencertainhumanobligations。andfulfillingthesehumanaffairstheyfulfiltheminahumanway。Howevermuchtheymaytalkoftheirpityfortheirerringbrethren，andofaddressingprayersforthemtothethroneoftheAlmighty——tocarryouthumanpurposesviolenceisnecessary，andithasalwaysbeenappliedandisandwillbeapplied。Ifoftworeligionseachconsidersitselftrueandtheotherfalse，thenmendesiringtoattractotherstothetruthwillpreachtheirowndoctrine。AndifafalseteachingispreachedtotheinexperiencedsonsoftheirChurch——whichasthetruth——thenthatChurchcannotbutburnthebooksandremovethemanwhoismisleadingitssons。Whatistobedonewithasectarian——burning，intheopinionoftheOrthodox，withthefireoffalsedoctrine——whointhemostimportantaffairoflife，infaith，misleadsthesonsoftheChurch？Whatcanbedonewithhimexcepttocutoffhisheadortoincarceratehim？UndertheTsarAlexisMikhaylovichpeoplewereburnedatthestake，thatistosay，theseverestmethodofpunishmentofthetimewasapplied，andinourdayalsotheseverestmethodofpunishmentisapplied——
detentioninsolitaryconfinement。[Footnote：AtthetimethiswaswrittencapitalpunishmentwasconsideredtobeabolishedinRussia。——A。M。]
ThesecondrelationoftheChurchtoaquestionoflifewaswithregardtowarandexecutions。
AtthattimeRussiawasatwar。AndRussians，inthenameofChristianlove，begantokilltheirfellowmen。Itwasimpossiblenottothinkaboutthis，andnottoseethatkillingisanevilrepugnanttothefirstprinciplesofanyfaith。Yetprayersweresaidinthechurchesforthesuccessofourarms，andtheteachersoftheFaithacknowledgedkillingtobeanactresultingfromtheFaith。Andbesidesthemurdersduringthewar，Isaw，duringthedisturbanceswhichfollowedthewar，Churchdignitariesandteachersandmonksofthelesserandstricterorderswhoapprovedthekillingofhelpless，erringyouths。AndItooknoteofallthatisdonebymenwhoprofessChristianity，andIwashorrified。
XVI
AndIceasedtodoubt，andbecamefullyconvincedthatnotallwastrueinthereligionIhadjoined。FormerlyIshouldhavesaidthatitwasallfalse，butIcouldnotsaysonow。Thewholeofthepeoplepossessedaknowledgeofthetruth，forotherwisetheycouldnothavelived。Moreover，thatknowledgewasaccessibletome，forIhadfeltitandhadlivedbyit。ButInolongerdoubtedthattherewasalsofalsehoodinit。Andallthathadpreviouslyrepelledmenowpresenteditselfvividlybeforeme。AndthoughI
sawthatamongthepeasantstherewasasmalleradmixtureoftheliesthatrepelledmethanamongtherepresentativesoftheChurch，Istillsawthatinthepeople’sbeliefalsofalsehoodwasmingledwiththetruth。
Butwheredidthetruthandwheredidthefalsehoodcomefrom？
Boththefalsehoodandthetruthwerecontainedintheso—calledholytraditionandintheScriptures。BoththefalsehoodandthetruthhadbeenhandeddownbywhatiscalledtheChurch。
AndwhetherIlikedornot，Iwasbroughttothestudyandinvestigationofthesewritingsandtraditions——whichtillnowI
hadbeensoafraidtoinvestigate。
AndIturnedtotheexaminationofthatsametheologywhichI
hadoncerejectedwithsuchcontemptasunnecessary。Formerlyitseemedtomeaseriesofunnecessaryabsurdities，whenonallsidesIwassurroundedbymanifestationsoflifewhichseemedtomeclearandfullofsense；nowIshouldhavebeengladtothrowawaywhatwouldnotenterahealthhead，butIhadnowheretoturnto。Onthisteachingreligiousdoctrinerests，oratleastwithittheonlyknowledgeofthemeaningoflifethatIhavefoundisinseparablyconnected。Howeverwilditmayseemtoomyfirmoldmind，itwastheonlyhopeofsalvation。Ithadtobecarefully，attentivelyexaminedinordertounderstandit，andnoteventounderstanditasIunderstandthepropositionsofscience：Idonotseekthat，norcanIseekit，knowingthespecialcharacterofreligiousknowledge。Ishallnotseektheexplanationofeverything。Iknowthattheexplanationofeverything，likethecommencementofeverything，mustbeconcealedininfinity。ButI
wishtounderstandinawaywhichwillbringmetowhatisinevitablyinexplicable。Iwishtorecognizeanythingthatisinexplicableasbeingsonotbecausethedemandsofmyreasonarewrong（theyareright，andapartfromthemIcanunderstandnothing），butbecauseIrecognizethelimitsofmyintellect。I
wishtounderstandinsuchawaythateverythingthatisinexplicableshallpresentitselftomeasbeingnecessarilyinexplicable，andnotasbeingsomethingIamunderanarbitraryobligationtobelieve。
Thatthereistruthintheteachingistomeindubitable，butitisalsocertainthatthereisfalsehoodinit，andImustfindwhatistrueandwhatisfalse，andmustdisentangletheonefromtheother。Iamsettingtoworkuponthistask。WhatoffalsehoodIhavefoundintheteachingandwhatIhavefoundoftruth，andtowhatconclusionsIcame，willformthefollowingpartsofthiswork，whichifitbeworthitandifanyonewantsit，willprobablysomedaybeprintedsomewhere。
1879。
Theforegoingwaswrittenbymesomethreeyearsago，andwillbeprinted。
Nowafewdaysago，whenrevisingitandreturningtothelineofthoughtandtothefeelingsIhadwhenIwaslivingthroughitall，Ihadadream。ThisdreamexpressedincondensedformallthatIhadexperiencedanddescribed，andIthinkthereforethat，forthosewhohaveunderstoodme，adescriptionofthisdreamwillrefreshandelucidateandunifywhathasbeensetforthatsuchlengthintheforegoingpages。Thedreamwasthis：
IsawthatIwaslyingonabed。Iwasneithercomfortablenoruncomfortable：Iwaslyingonmyback。ButIbegantoconsiderhow，andonwhat，Iwaslying——aquestionwhichhadnottillthenoccurredtome。Andobservingmybed，IsawIwaslyingonplaitedstringsupportsattachedtoitssides：myfeetwererestingononesuchsupport，bycalvesonanother，andmylegsfeltuncomfortable。
Iseemedtoknowthatthosesupportsweremovable，andwithamovementofmyfootIpushedawaythefurthestofthematmyfeet—
—itseemedtomethatitwouldbemorecomfortableso。ButI
pusheditawaytoofarandwishedtoreachitagainwithmyfoot，andthatmovementcausedthenextsupportundermycalvestoslipawayalso，sothatmylegshungintheair。Imadeamovementwithmywholebodytoadjustmyself，fullyconvincedthatIcoulddosoatonce；butthemovementcausedtheothersupportsundermetoslipandtobecomeentangled，andIsawthatmattersweregoingquitewrong：thewholeofthelowerpartofmybodyslippedandhungdown，thoughmyfeetdidnotreachtheground。Iwasholdingononlybytheupperpartofmyback，andnotonlydiditbecomeuncomfortablebutIwasevenfrightened。AndthenonlydidIaskmyselfaboutsomethingthathadnotbeforeoccurredtome。Iaskedmyself：WhereamIandwhatamIlyingon？andIbegantolookaroundandfirstofalltolookdowninthedirectionwhichmybodywashangingandwhiterIfeltImustsoonfall。Ilookeddownanddidnotbelievemyeyes。Iwasnotonlyataheightcomparabletotheheightofthehighesttowersormountains，butataheightsuchasIcouldneverhaveimagined。
IcouldnotevenmakeoutwhetherIsawanythingtherebelow，inthatbottomlessabyssoverwhichIwashangingandwhiterIwasbeingdrawn。Myheartcontracted，andIexperiencedhorror。Tolookthitherwasterrible。IfIlookedthitherIfeltthatI
shouldatonceslipfromthelastsupportandperish。AndIdidnotlook。Butnottolookwasstillworse，forIthoughtofwhatwouldhappentomedirectlyIfellfromthelastsupport。AndI
feltthatfromfearIwaslosingmylastsupports，andthatmybackwasslowlyslippinglowerandlower。AnothermomentandIshoulddropoff。Andthenitoccurredtomethatthiscannotereal。Itisadream。Wakeup!Itrytoarousemyselfbutcannotdoso。
WhatamItodo？WhatamItodo？Iaskmyself，andlookupwards。
Above，thereisalsoaninfinitespace。Ilookintotheimmensityofskyandtrytoforgetabouttheimmensitybelow，andIreallydoforgetit。Theimmensitybelowrepelsandfrightensme；theimmensityaboveattractsandstrengthensme。Iamstillsupportedabovetheabyssbythelastsupportsthathavenotyetslippedfromunderme；IknowthatIamhanging，butIlookonlyupwardsandmyfearpasses。Ashappensindreams，avoicesays：\"Noticethis，thisisit!\"AndIlookmoreandmoreintotheinfiniteabovemeandfeelthatIambecomingcalm。Irememberallthathashappened，andrememberhowitallhappened；howImovedmylegs，howIhungdown，howfrightenedIwas，andhowIwassavedfromfearbylookingupwards。AndIaskmyself：Well，andnowamInothangingjustthesame？AndIdonotsomuchlookroundasexperiencewithmywholebodythepointofsupportonwhichIamheld。IseethatInolongerhangasifabouttofall，butamfirmlyheld。IaskmyselfhowIamheld：Ifeelabout，lookround，andseethatunderme，underthemiddleofmybody，thereisonesupport，andthatwhenIlookupwardsIlieonitinthepositionofsecurestbalance，andthatitalonegavemesupportbefore。Andthen，ashappensindreams，IimaginedthemechanismbymeansofwhichIwasheld；averynaturalintelligible，andsuremeans，thoughtooneawakethatmechanismhasnosense。IwasevensurprisedinmydreamthatIhadnotunderstooditsooner。Itappearedthatatmyheadtherewasapillar，andthesecurityofthatslenderpillarwasundoubtedthoughtherewasnothingtosupportit。Fromthepillaraloophungveryingeniouslyandyetsimply，andifonelaywiththemiddleofone’sbodyinthatloopandlookedup，therecouldbenoquestionoffalling。Thiswasallcleartome，andIwasgladandtranquil。Anditseemedasifsomeonesaidtome：\"Seethatyouremember。\"
AndIawoke。