THEPERSONSOFTHEPLAY
LordIllingworthSirJohnPontefractLordAlfredRuffordMr。Kelvil，M。P。
TheVen。ArchdeaconDaubeny，D。D。
GeraldArbuthnotFarquhar，ButlerFrancis，FootmanLadyHunstantonLadyCarolinePontefractLadyStutfieldMrs。AllonbyMissHesterWorsleyAlice，MaidMrs。ArbuthnotTHESCENESOFTHEPLAY
ACTI。TheTerraceatHunstantonChase。
ACTII。TheDrawing—roomatHunstantonChase。
ACTIII。TheHallatHunstantonChase。
ACTIV。Sitting—roominMrs。Arbuthnot’sHouseatWrockley。
TIME：ThePresent。
PLACE：TheShires。
Theactionoftheplaytakesplacewithintwenty—fourhours。
LONDON：HAYMARKETTHEATRE
LesseeandManager：Mr。HBeerbohmTreeApril19th，1893
LordIllingworth，Mr。TreeSirJohnPontefract，Mr。E。HolmanClarkLordAlfredRufford，Mr。ErnestLawfordMr。Kelvil，M。P。，Mr。CharlesAllan。
TheVen。ArchdeaconDaubeny，D。D。，Mr。KembleGeraldArbuthnot，Mr。TerryFarquhar，Butler，Mr。HayFrancis，Footman，Mr。MontagueLadyHunstanton，MissRoseLeclercqLadyCarolinePontefract，MissLeThiereLadyStutfield，MissBlancheHorlockMrs。Allonby，Mrs。TreeMissHesterWorsley，MissJuliaNeilsonAlice，Maid，MissKellyMrs。Arbuthnot，Mrs。Bernard—BeereFIRSTACT
SCENE
LawninfrontoftheterraceatHunstanton。
[SIRJOHNandLADYCAROLINEPONTEFRACT，MISSWORSLEY，onchairsunderlargeyewtree。]
LADYCAROLINE。IbelievethisisthefirstEnglishcountryhouseyouhavestayedat，MissWorsley？
HESTER。Yes，LadyCaroline。
LADYCAROLINE。Youhavenocountryhouses，Iamtold，inAmerica？
HESTER。Wehavenotmany。
LADYCAROLINE。Haveyouanycountry？Whatweshouldcallcountry？
HESTER。[Smiling。]Wehavethelargestcountryintheworld，LadyCaroline。TheyusedtotellusatschoolthatsomeofourstatesareasbigasFranceandEnglandputtogether。
LADYCAROLINE。Ah!youmustfinditverydraughty，Ishouldfancy。
[ToSIRJOHN。]John，youshouldhaveyourmuffler。Whatistheuseofmyalwaysknittingmufflersforyouifyouwon’twearthem？
SIRJOHN。Iamquitewarm，Caroline，Iassureyou。
LADYCAROLINE。Ithinknot，John。Well，youcouldn’tcometoamorecharmingplacethanthis，MissWorsley，thoughthehouseisexcessivelydamp，quiteunpardonablydamp，anddearLadyHunstantonissometimesalittlelaxaboutthepeoplesheasksdownhere。[ToSIRJOHN。]Janemixestoomuch。LordIllingworth，ofcourse，isamanofhighdistinction。Itisaprivilegetomeethim。AndthatmemberofParliament，Mr。Kettle—
SIRJOHN。Kelvil，mylove，Kelvil。
LADYCAROLINE。Hemustbequiterespectable。Onehasneverheardhisnamebeforeinthewholecourseofone’slife，whichspeaksvolumesforaman，nowadays。ButMrs。Allonbyishardlyaverysuitableperson。
HESTER。IdislikeMrs。Allonby。IdislikehermorethanIcansay。
LADYCAROLINE。Iamnotsure，MissWorsley，thatforeignerslikeyourselfshouldcultivatelikesordislikesaboutthepeopletheyareinvitedtomeet。Mrs。Allonbyisverywellborn。SheisanieceofLordBrancaster’s。Itissaid，ofcourse，thatsheranawaytwicebeforeshewasmarried。Butyouknowhowunfairpeopleoftenare。Imyselfdon’tbelievesheranawaymorethanonce。
HESTER。Mr。Arbuthnotisverycharming。
LADYCAROLINE。Ah，yes!theyoungmanwhohasapostinabank。
LadyHunstantonismostkindinaskinghimhere，andLordIllingworthseemstohavetakenquiteafancytohim。Iamnotsure，however，thatJaneisrightintakinghimoutofhisposition。Inmyyoungdays，MissWorsley，onenevermetanyoneinsocietywhoworkedfortheirliving。Itwasnotconsideredthething。
HESTER。InAmericathosearethepeoplewerespectmost。
LADYCAROLINE。Ihavenodoubtofit。
HESTER。Mr。Arbuthnothasabeautifulnature!Heissosimple，sosincere。HehasoneofthemostbeautifulnaturesIhaveevercomeacross。ItisaprivilegetomeetHIM。
LADYCAROLINE。ItisnotcustomaryinEngland，MissWorsley，forayoungladytospeakwithsuchenthusiasmofanypersonoftheoppositesex。Englishwomenconcealtheirfeelingstillaftertheyaremarried。Theyshowthemthen。
HESTER。Doyou，inEngland，allownofriendshiptoexistbetweenayoungmanandayounggirl？
[EnterLADYHUNSTANTON，followedbyFootmanwithshawlsandacushion。]
LADYCAROLINE。Wethinkitveryinadvisable。Jane，Iwasjustsayingwhatapleasantpartyyouhaveaskedustomeet。Youhaveawonderfulpowerofselection。Itisquiteagift。
LADYHUNSTANTON。DearCaroline，howkindofyou!Ithinkwealldofitinverynicelytogether。AndIhopeourcharmingAmericanvisitorwillcarrybackpleasantrecollectionsofourEnglishcountrylife。[ToFootman。]Thecushion，there，Francis。Andmyshawl。TheShetland。GettheShetland。[ExitFootmanforshawl。]
[EnterGERALDARBUTHNOT。]
GERALD。LadyHunstanton，Ihavesuchgoodnewstotellyou。LordIllingworthhasjustofferedtomakemehissecretary。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Hissecretary？Thatisgoodnewsindeed，Gerald。
Itmeansaverybrilliantfutureinstoreforyou。Yourdearmotherwillbedelighted。Ireallymusttryandinducehertocomeuphereto—night。Doyouthinkshewould，Gerald？Iknowhowdifficultitistogethertogoanywhere。
GERALD。Oh!Iamsureshewould，LadyHunstanton，ifsheknewLordIllingworthhadmademesuchanoffer。
[EnterFootmanwithshawl。]
LADYHUNSTANTON。Iwillwriteandtellheraboutit，andaskhertocomeupandmeethim。[ToFootman。]Justwait，Francis。
[Writesletter。]
LADYCAROLINE。Thatisaverywonderfulopeningforsoyoungamanasyouare，Mr。Arbuthnot。
GERALD。Itisindeed，LadyCaroline。ItrustIshallbeabletoshowmyselfworthyofit。
LADYCAROLINE。Itrustso。
GERALD。[ToHESTER。]YOUhavenotcongratulatedmeyet，MissWorsley。
HESTER。Areyouverypleasedaboutit？
GERALD。OfcourseIam。Itmeanseverythingtome—thingsthatwereoutofthereachofhopebeforemaybewithinhope’sreachnow。
HESTER。Nothingshouldbeoutofthereachofhope。Lifeisahope。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Ifancy，Caroline，thatDiplomacyiswhatLordIllingworthisaimingat。IheardthathewasofferedVienna。Butthatmaynotbetrue。
LADYCAROLINE。Idon’tthinkthatEnglandshouldberepresentedabroadbyanunmarriedman，Jane。Itmightleadtocomplications。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Youaretoonervous，Caroline。Believeme，youaretoonervous。Besides，LordIllingworthmaymarryanyday。I
wasinhopeshewouldhavemarriedladyKelso。ButIbelievehesaidherfamilywastoolarge。Orwasitherfeet？Iforgetwhich。Iregretitverymuch。Shewasmadetobeanambassador’swife。
LADYCAROLINE。Shecertainlyhasawonderfulfacultyofrememberingpeople’snames，andforgettingtheirfaces。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Well，thatisverynatural，Caroline，isitnot？
[ToFootman。]TellHenrytowaitforananswer。Ihavewrittenalinetoyourdearmother，Gerald，totellheryourgoodnews，andtosayshereallymustcometodinner。
[ExitFootman。]
GERALD。Thatisawfullykindofyou，LadyHunstanton。[ToHESTER。]Willyoucomeforastroll，MissWorsley？
HESTER。Withpleasure[ExitwithGERALD。]
LADYHUNSTANTON。IamverymuchgratifiedatGeraldArbuthnot’sgoodfortune。HeisquiteaPROTEGEofmine。AndIamparticularlypleasedthatLordIllingworthshouldhavemadetheofferofhisownaccordwithoutmysuggestinganything。Nobodylikestobeaskedfavours。IrememberpoorCharlottePagdenmakingherselfquiteunpopularoneseason，becauseshehadaFrenchgovernessshewantedtorecommendtoeveryone。
LADYCAROLINE。Isawthegoverness，Jane。LadyPagdensenthertome。ItwasbeforeEleanorcameout。Shewasfartoogood—lookingtobeinanyrespectablehousehold。Idon’twonderLadyPagdenwassoanxioustogetridofher。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Ah，thatexplainsit。
LADYCAROLINE。John，thegrassistoodampforyou。Youhadbettergoandputonyourovershoesatonce。
SIRJOHN。Iamquitecomfortable，Caroline，Iassureyou。
LADYCAROLINE。Youmustallowmetobethebestjudgeofthat，John。PraydoasItellyou。
[SIRJOHNgetsupandgoesoff。]
LADYHUNSTANTON。Youspoilhim，Caroline，youdoindeed!
[EnterMRS。ALLONBYandLADYSTUTFIELD。]
[ToMRS。ALLONBY。]Well，dear，Ihopeyoulikethepark。Itissaidtobewelltimbered。
MRS。ALLONBY。Thetreesarewonderful，LadyHunstanton。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Quite，quitewonderful。
MRS。ALLONBY。Butsomehow，IfeelsurethatifIlivedinthecountryforsixmonths，Ishouldbecomesounsophisticatedthatnoonewouldtaketheslightestnoticeofme。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Iassureyou，dear，thatthecountryhasnotthateffectatall。Why，itwasfromMelthorpe，whichisonlytwomilesfromhere，thatLadyBeltonelopedwithLordFethersdale。I
remembertheoccurrenceperfectly。PoorLordBeltondiedthreedaysafterwardsofjoy，orgout。Iforgetwhich。Wehadalargepartystayinghereatthetime，sowewereallverymuchinterestedinthewholeaffair。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ithinktoelopeiscowardly。It’srunningawayfromdanger。Anddangerhasbecomesorareinmodernlife。
LADYCAROLINE。AsfarasIcanmakeout，theyoungwomenofthepresentdayseemtomakeitthesoleobjectoftheirlivestobealwaysplayingwithfire。
MRS。ALLONBY。Theoneadvantageofplayingwithfire，LadyCaroline，isthatonenevergetsevensinged。Itisthepeoplewhodon’tknowhowtoplaywithitwhogetburnedup。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes；Iseethat。Itisvery，veryhelpful。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Idon’tknowhowtheworldwouldgetonwithsuchatheoryasthat，dearMrs。Allonby。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Ah!Theworldwasmadeformenandnotforwomen。
MRS。ALLONBY。Oh，don’tsaythat，LadyStutfield。Wehaveamuchbettertimethantheyhave。Therearefarmorethingsforbiddentousthanareforbiddentothem。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes；thatisquite，quitetrue。Ihadnotthoughtofthat。
[EnterSIRJOHNandMR。KELVIL。]
LADYHUNSTANTON。Well，Mr。Kelvil，haveyougotthroughyourwork？
KELVIL。Ihavefinishedmywritingfortheday，LadyHunstanton。
Ithasbeenanarduoustask。Thedemandsonthetimeofapublicmanareveryheavynowadays，veryheavyindeed。AndIdon’tthinktheymeetwithadequaterecognition。
LADYCAROLINE。John，haveyougotyourovershoeson？
SIRJOHN。Yes，mylove。
LADYCAROLINE。Ithinkyouhadbettercomeoverhere，John。Itismoresheltered。
SIRJOHN。Iamquitecomfortable，Caroline。
LADYCAROLINE。Ithinknot，John。Youhadbettersitbesideme。
[SIRJOHNrisesandgoesacross。]
LADYSTUTFIELD。Andwhathaveyoubeenwritingaboutthismorning，Mr。Kelvil？
KELVIL。Ontheusualsubject，LadyStutfield。OnPurity。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Thatmustbesuchavery，veryinterestingthingtowriteabout。
KELVIL。Itistheonesubjectofreallynationalimportance，nowadays，LadyStutfield。IpurposeaddressingmyconstituentsonthequestionbeforeParliamentmeets。Ifindthatthepoorerclassesofthiscountrydisplayamarkeddesireforahigherethicalstandard。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Howquite，quiteniceofthem。
LADYCAROLINE。Areyouinfavourofwomentakingpartinpolitics，Mr。Kettle？
SIRJOHN。Kelvil，mylove，Kelvil。
KELVIL。Thegrowinginfluenceofwomenistheonereassuringthinginourpoliticallife，LadyCaroline。Womenarealwaysonthesideofmorality，publicandprivate。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Itissovery，verygratifyingtohearyousaythat。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Ah，yes!—themoralqualitiesinwomen—thatistheimportantthing。Iamafraid，Caroline，thatdearLordIllingworthdoesn’tvaluethemoralqualitiesinwomenasmuchasheshould。
[EnterLORDILLINGWORTH。]
LADYSTUTFIELD。TheworldsaysthatLordIllingworthisvery，verywicked。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Butwhatworldsaysthat，LadyStutfield？Itmustbethenextworld。ThisworldandIareonexcellentterms。
[SitsdownbesideMRS。ALLONBY。]
LADYSTUTFIELD。EveryoneIknowsaysyouarevery，verywicked。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Itisperfectlymonstrousthewaypeoplegoabout，nowadays，sayingthingsagainstonebehindone’sbackthatareabsolutelyandentirelytrue。
LADYHUNSTANTON。DearLordIllingworthisquitehopeless，LadyStutfield。Ihavegivenuptryingtoreformhim。ItwouldtakeaPublicCompanywithaBoardofDirectorsandapaidSecretarytodothat。Butyouhavethesecretaryalready，LordIllingworth，haven’tyou？GeraldArbuthnothastoldusofhisgoodfortune；itisreallymostkindofyou。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Oh，don’tsaythat，LadyHunstanton。Kindisadreadfulword。ItookagreatfancytoyoungArbuthnotthemomentImethim，andhe’llbeofconsiderableusetomeinsomethingIamfoolishenoughtothinkofdoing。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Heisanadmirableyoungman。Andhismotherisoneofmydearestfriends。HehasjustgoneforawalkwithourprettyAmerican。Sheisverypretty，isshenot？
LADYCAROLINE。Fartoopretty。TheseAmericangirlscarryoffallthegoodmatches。Whycan’ttheystayintheirowncountry？TheyarealwaystellingusitistheParadiseofwomen。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Itis，LadyCaroline。Thatiswhy，likeEve，theyaresoextremelyanxioustogetoutofit。
LADYCAROLINE。WhoareMissWorsley’sparents？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Americanwomenarewonderfullycleverinconcealingtheirparents。
LADYHUNSTANTON。MydearLordIllingworth，whatdoyoumean？MissWorsley，Caroline，isanorphan。Herfatherwasaverywealthymillionaireorphilanthropist，orboth，Ibelieve，whoentertainedmysonquitehospitably，whenhevisitedBoston。Idon’tknowhowhemadehismoney，originally。
KELVIL。IfancyinAmericandrygoods。
LADYHUNSTANTON。WhatareAmericandrygoods？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Americannovels。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Howverysingular!……Well，fromwhateversourceherlargefortunecame，IhaveagreatesteemforMissWorsley。Shedressesexceedinglywell。AllAmericansdodresswell。TheygettheirclothesinParis。
MRS。ALLONBY。Theysay，LadyHunstanton，thatwhengoodAmericansdietheygotoParis。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Indeed？AndwhenbadAmericansdie，wheredotheygoto？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Oh，theygotoAmerica。
KELVIL。Iamafraidyoudon’tappreciateAmerica，LordIllingworth。Itisaveryremarkablecountry，especiallyconsideringitsyouth。
LORDILLINGWORTH。TheyouthofAmericaistheiroldesttradition。
Ithasbeengoingonnowforthreehundredyears。Tohearthemtalkonewouldimaginetheywereintheirfirstchildhood。Asfarascivilisationgoestheyareintheirsecond。
KELVIL。ThereisundoubtedlyagreatdealofcorruptioninAmericanpolitics。Isupposeyoualludetothat？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Iwonder。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Politicsareinasadwayeverywhere，Iamtold。
TheycertainlyareinEngland。DearMr。Cardewisruiningthecountry。IwonderMrs。Cardewallowshim。Iamsure，LordIllingworth，youdon’tthinkthatuneducatedpeopleshouldbeallowedtohavevotes？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Ithinktheyaretheonlypeoplewhoshould。
KELVIL。Doyoutakenosidetheninmodernpolitics，LordIllingworth？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Oneshouldnevertakesidesinanything，Mr。
Kelvil。Takingsidesisthebeginningofsincerity，andearnestnessfollowsshortlyafterwards，andthehumanbeingbecomesabore。However，theHouseofCommonsreallydoesverylittleharm。Youcan’tmakepeoplegoodbyActofParliament，—thatissomething。
KELVIL。YoucannotdenythattheHouseofCommonshasalwaysshowngreatsympathywiththesufferingsofthepoor。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Thatisitsspecialvice。Thatisthespecialviceoftheage。Oneshouldsympathisewiththejoy，thebeauty，thecolouroflife。Thelesssaidaboutlife’ssoresthebetter，Mr。Kelvil。
KELVIL。StillourEastEndisaveryimportantproblem。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Quiteso。Itistheproblemofslavery。Andwearetryingtosolveitbyamusingtheslaves。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Certainly，agreatdealmaybedonebymeansofcheapentertainments，asyousay，LordIllingworth。DearDr。
Daubeny，ourrectorhere，provides，withtheassistanceofhiscurates，reallyadmirablerecreationsforthepoorduringthewinter。Andmuchgoodmaybedonebymeansofamagiclantern，oramissionary，orsomepopularamusementofthatkind。
LADYCAROLINE。Iamnotatallinfavourofamusementsforthepoor，Jane。Blanketsandcoalsaresufficient。Thereistoomuchloveofpleasureamongsttheupperclassesasitis。Healthiswhatwewantinmodernlife。Thetoneisnothealthy，nothealthyatall。
KELVIL。Youarequiteright，LadyCaroline。
LADYCAROLINE。IbelieveIamusuallyright。
MRS。ALLONBY。Horridword’health。’
LORDILLINGWORTH。Silliestwordinourlanguage，andoneknowssowellthepopularideaofhealth。TheEnglishcountrygentlemangallopingafterafox—theunspeakableinfullpursuitoftheuneatable。
KELVIL。MayIask，LordIllingworth，ifyouregardtheHouseofLordsasabetterinstitutionthantheHouseofCommons？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Amuchbetterinstitution，ofcourse。WeintheHouseofLordsareneverintouchwithpublicopinion。Thatmakesusacivilisedbody。
KELVIL。Areyouseriousinputtingforwardsuchaview？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Quiteserious，Mr。Kelvil。[ToMRS。ALLONBY。]
Vulgarhabitthatispeoplehavenowadaysofaskingone，afteronehasgiventhemanidea，whetheroneisseriousornot。Nothingisseriousexceptpassion。Theintellectisnotaseriousthing，andneverhasbeen。Itisaninstrumentonwhichoneplays，thatisall。TheonlyseriousformofintellectIknowistheBritishintellect。AndontheBritishintellecttheilliteratesplaythedrum。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Whatareyousaying，LordIllingworth，aboutthedrum？
LORDILLINGWORTH。IwasmerelytalkingtoMrs。AllonbyabouttheleadingarticlesintheLondonnewspapers。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Butdoyoubelieveallthatiswritteninthenewspapers？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Ido。Nowadaysitisonlytheunreadablethatoccurs。[RiseswithMRS。ALLONBY。]
LADYHUNSTANTON。Areyougoing，Mrs。Allonby？
MRS。ALLONBY。Justasfarastheconservatory。LordIllingworthtoldmethismorningthattherewasanorchidtherembeautifulasthesevendeadlysins。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Mydear，Ihopethereisnothingofthekind。I
willcertainlyspeaktothegardener。
[ExitMRS。ALLONBYandLORDILLINGWORTH。]
LADYCAROLINE。Remarkabletype，Mrs。Allonby。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Sheletsherclevertonguerunawaywithhersometimes。
LADYCAROLINE。Isthattheonlything，Jane，Mrs。Allonbyallowstorunawaywithher？
LADYHUNSTANTON。Ihopeso，Caroline，Iamsure。
[EnterLORDALFRED。]
DearLordAlfred，dojoinus。[LORDALFREDsitsdownbesideLADY
STUTFIELD。]
LADYCAROLINE。Youbelievegoodofeveryone，Jane。Itisagreatfault。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Doyoureally，reallythink，LadyCaroline，thatoneshouldbelieveevilofeveryone？
LADYCAROLINE。Ithinkitismuchsafertodoso，LadyStutfield。
Until，ofcourse，peoplearefoundouttobegood。Butthatrequiresagreatdealofinvestigationnowadays。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Butthereissomuchunkindscandalinmodernlife。
LADYCAROLINE。LordIllingworthremarkedtomelastnightatdinnerthatthebasisofeveryscandalisanabsolutelyimmoralcertainty。
KELVIL。LordIllingworthis，ofcourse，averybrilliantman，butheseemstometobelackinginthatfinefaithinthenobilityandpurityoflifewhichissoimportantinthiscentury。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes，quite，quiteimportant，isitnot？
KELVIL。HegivesmetheimpressionofamanwhodoesnotappreciatethebeautyofourEnglishhome—life。Iwouldsaythathewastaintedwithforeignideasonthesubject。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Thereisnothing，nothinglikethebeautyofhome—
life，isthere？
KELVIL。ItisthemainstayofourmoralsysteminEngland，LadyStutfield。Withoutitwewouldbecomelikeourneighbours。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Thatwouldbeso，sosad，woulditnot？
KELVIL。Iamafraid，too，thatLordIllingworthregardswomansimplyasatoy。Now，Ihaveneverregardedwomanasatoy。Womanistheintellectualhelpmeetofmaninpublicasinprivatelife。
Withoutherweshouldforgetthetrueideals。[SitsdownbesideLADYSTUTFIELD。]
LADYSTUTFIELD。Iamsovery，verygladtohearyousaythat。
LADYCAROLINE。Youamarriedman，Mr。Kettle？
SIRJOHN。Kelvil，dear，Kelvil。
KELVIL。Iammarried，LadyCaroline。
LADYCAROLINE。Family？
KELVIL。Yes。
LADYCAROLINE。Howmany？
KELVIL。Eight。
[LADYSTUTFIELDturnsherattentiontoLORDALFRED。]
LADYCAROLINE。Mrs。Kettleandthechildrenare，Isuppose，attheseaside？[SIRJOHNshrugshisshoulders。]
KELVIL。Mywifeisattheseasidewiththechildren，LadyCaroline。
LADYCAROLINE。Youwilljointhemlateron，nodoubt？
KELVIL。Ifmypublicengagementspermitme。
LADYCAROLINE。YourpubliclifemustbeagreatsourceofgratificationtoMrs。Kettle。
SIRJOHN。Kelvil，mylove，Kelvil。
LADYSTUTFIELD。[ToLORDALFRED。]Howvery，verycharmingthosegold—tippedcigarettesofyoursare，LordAlfred。
LORDALFRED。Theyareawfullyexpensive。IcanonlyaffordthemwhenI’mindebt。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Itmustbeterribly，terriblydistressingtobeindebt。
LORDALFRED。Onemusthavesomeoccupationnowadays。IfIhadn’tmydebtsIshouldn’thaveanythingtothinkabout。AllthechapsI
knowareindebt。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Butdon’tthepeopletowhomyouowethemoneygiveyouagreat，greatdealofannoyance？
[EnterFootman。]
LORDALFRED。Oh，no，theywrite；Idon’t。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Howvery，verystrange。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Ah，hereisaletter，Caroline，fromdearMrs。
Arbuthnot。Shewon’tdine。Iamsosorry。Butshewillcomeintheevening。Iamverypleasedindeed。Sheisoneofthesweetestofwomen。Writesabeautifulhand，too，solarge，sofirm。[HandslettertoLADYCAROLINE。]
LADYCAROLINE。[Lookingatit。]Alittlelackinginfemininity，Jane。FemininityisthequalityIadmiremostinwomen。
LADYHUNSTANTON。[Takingbackletterandleavingitontable。]
Oh!sheisveryfeminine，Caroline，andsogoodtoo。YoushouldhearwhattheArchdeaconsaysofher。Heregardsherashisrighthandintheparish。[Footmanspeakstoher。]IntheYellowDrawing—room。Shallweallgoin？LadyStutfield，shallwegointotea？
LADYSTUTFIELD。Withpleasure，LadyHunstanton。[Theyriseandproceedtogooff。SIRJOHNofferstocarryLADYSTUTFIELD’S
cloak。]
LADYCAROLINE。John!IfyouwouldallowyournephewtolookafterLadyStutfield’scloak，youmighthelpmewithmyworkbasket。
[EnterLORDILLINGWORTHandMRS。ALLONBY。]
SIRJOHN。Certainly，mylove。[Exeunt。]
MRS。ALLONBY。Curiousthing，plainwomenarealwaysjealousoftheirhusbands，beautifulwomenneverare!
LORDILLINGWORTH。Beautifulwomenneverhavetime。Theyarealwayssooccupiedinbeingjealousofotherpeople’shusbands。
MRS。ALLONBY。IshouldhavethoughtLadyCarolinewouldhavegrowntiredofconjugalanxietybythistime!SirJohnisherfourth!
LORDILLINGWORTH。Somuchmarriageiscertainlynotbecoming。
Twentyyearsofromancemakeawomanlooklikearuin；buttwentyyearsofmarriagemakehersomethinglikeapublicbuilding。
MRS。ALLONBY。Twentyyearsofromance!Istheresuchathing？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Notinourday。Womenhavebecometoobrilliant。Nothingspoilsaromancesomuchasasenseofhumourinthewoman。
MRS。ALLONBY。Orthewantofitintheman。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Youarequiteright。InaTempleeveryoneshouldbeserious，exceptthethingthatisworshipped。
MRS。ALLONBY。Andthatshouldbeman？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Womenkneelsogracefully；mendon’t。
MRS。ALLONBY。YouarethinkingofLadyStutfield!
LORDILLINGWORTH。IassureyouIhavenotthoughtofLadyStutfieldforthelastquarterofanhour。
MRS。ALLONBY。Isshesuchamystery？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Sheismorethanamystery—sheisamood。
MRS。ALLONBY。Moodsdon’tlast。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Itistheirchiefcharm。
[EnterHESTERandGERALD。]
GERALD。LordIllingworth，everyonehasbeencongratulatingme，LadyHunstantonandLadyCaroline，and……everyone。IhopeI
shallmakeagoodsecretary。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Youwillbethepatternsecretary，Gerald。
[Talkstohim。]
MRS。ALLONBY。Youenjoycountrylife，MissWorsley？
HESTER。Verymuchindeed。
MRS。ALLONBY。Don’tfindyourselflongingforaLondondinner—
party？
HESTER。IdislikeLondondinner—parties。
MRS。ALLONBY。Iadorethem。Thecleverpeopleneverlisten，andthestupidpeoplenevertalk。
HESTER。Ithinkthestupidpeopletalkagreatdeal。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ah，Ineverlisten!
LORDILLINGWORTH。Mydearboy，ifIdidn’tlikeyouIwouldn’thavemadeyoutheoffer。ItisbecauseIlikeyousomuchthatI
wanttohaveyouwithme。
[ExitHESTERwithGERALD。]
Charmingfellow，GeraldArbuthnot!
MRS。ALLONBY。Heisverynice；veryniceindeed。ButIcan’tstandtheAmericanyounglady。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Why？
MRS。ALLONBY。Shetoldmeyesterday，andinquitealoudvoicetoo，thatshewasonlyeighteen。Itwasmostannoying。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Oneshouldnevertrustawomanwhotellsoneherrealage。Awomanwhowouldtellonethat，wouldtelloneanything。
MRS。ALLONBY。SheisaPuritanbesides—
LORDILLINGWORTH。Ah，thatisinexcusable。Idon’tmindplainwomenbeingPuritans。Itistheonlyexcusetheyhaveforbeingplain。Butsheisdecidedlypretty。Iadmireherimmensely。
[LookssteadfastlyatMRS。ALLONBY。]
MRS。ALLONBY。Whatathoroughlybadmanyoumustbe!
LORDILLINGWORTH。Whatdoyoucallabadman？
MRS。ALLONBY。Thesortofmanwhoadmiresinnocence。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Andabadwoman？
MRS。ALLONBY。Oh!thesortofwomanamannevergetstiredof。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Youaresevere—onyourself。
MRS。ALLONBY。Defineusasasex。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Sphinxeswithoutsecrets。
MRS。ALLONBY。DoesthatincludethePuritanwomen？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Doyouknow，Idon’tbelieveintheexistenceofPuritanwomen？Idon’tthinkthereisawomanintheworldwhowouldnotbealittleflatteredifonemadelovetoher。Itisthatwhichmakeswomensoirresistiblyadorable。
MRS。ALLONBY。Youthinkthereisnowomanintheworldwhowouldobjecttobeingkissed？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Veryfew。
MRS。ALLONBY。MissWorsleywouldnotletyoukissher。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Areyousure？
MRS。ALLONBY。Quite。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Whatdoyouthinkshe’ddoifIkissedher？
MRS。ALLONBY。Eithermarryyou，orstrikeyouacrossthefacewithherglove。Whatwouldyoudoifshestruckyouacrossthefacewithherglove？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Fallinlovewithher，probably。
MRS。ALLONBY。Thenitisluckyyouarenotgoingtokissher!
LORDILLINGWORTH。Isthatachallenge？
MRS。ALLONBY。Itisanarrowshotintotheair。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Don’tyouknowthatIalwayssucceedinwhateverItry？
MRS。ALLONBY。Iamsorrytohearit。Wewomenadorefailures。
Theyleanonus。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Youworshipsuccesses。Youclingtothem。
MRS。ALLONBY。Wearethelaurelstohidetheirbaldness。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Andtheyneedyoualways，exceptatthemomentoftriumph。
MRS。ALLONBY。Theyareuninterestingthen。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Howtantalisingyouare![Apause。]
MRS。ALLONBY。LordIllingworth，thereisonethingIshallalwayslikeyoufor。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Onlyonething？AndIhavesomanybadqualities。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ah，don’tbetooconceitedaboutthem。Youmaylosethemasyougrowold。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Ineverintendtogrowold。Thesoulisbornoldbutgrowsyoung。Thatisthecomedyoflife。
MRS。ALLONBY。Andthebodyisbornyoungandgrowsold。Thatislife’stragedy。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Itscomedyalso，sometimes。Butwhatisthemysteriousreasonwhyyouwillalwayslikeme？
MRS。ALLONBY。Itisthatyouhavenevermadelovetome。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Ihaveneverdoneanythingelse。
MRS。ALLONBY。Really？Ihavenotnoticedit。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Howfortunate!Itmighthavebeenatragedyforbothofus。
MRS。ALLONBY。Weshouldeachhavesurvived。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Onecansurviveeverythingnowadays，exceptdeath，andlivedownanythingexceptagoodreputation。
MRS。ALLONBY。Haveyoutriedagoodreputation？
LORDILLINGWORTH。ItisoneofthemanyannoyancestowhichIhaveneverbeensubjected。
MRS。ALLONBY。Itmaycome。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Whydoyouthreatenme？
MRS。ALLONBY。IwilltellyouwhenyouhavekissedthePuritan。
[EnterFootman。]
FRANCIS。TeaisservedintheYellowDrawing—room，mylord。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Tellherladyshipwearecomingin。
FRANCIS。Yes，mylord。
[Exit。]
LORDILLINGWORTH。Shallwegointotea？
MRS。ALLONBY。Doyoulikesuchsimplepleasures？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Iadoresimplepleasures。Theyarethelastrefugeofthecomplex。But，ifyouwish，letusstayhere。Yes，letusstayhere。TheBookofLifebeginswithamanandawomaninagarden。
MRS。ALLONBY。ItendswithRevelations。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Youfencedivinely。Butthebuttonhascomeofyourfoil。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ihavestillthemask。
LORDILLINGWORTH。Itmakesyoureyeslovelier。
MRS。ALLONBY。Thankyou。Come。
LORDILLINGWORTH。[SeesMRS。ARBUTHNOT’Sletterontable，andtakesitupandlooksatenvelope。]Whatacurioushandwriting!
ItremindsmeofthehandwritingofawomanIusedtoknowyearsago。
MRS。ALLONBY。Who？
LORDILLINGWORTH。Oh!noone。Nooneinparticular。Awomanofnoimportance。[Throwsletterdown，andpassesupthestepsoftheterracewithMRS。ALLONBY。Theysmileateachother。]
ACTDROP。
SECONDACT
SCENE
Drawing—roomatHunstanton，afterdinner，lampslit。DoorL。C。
DoorR。C。
[Ladiesseatedonsofas。]
MRS。ALLONBY。Whatacomfortitistohavegotridofthemenforalittle!
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes；menpersecuteusdreadfully，don’tthey？
MRS。ALLONBY。Persecuteus？Iwishtheydid。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Mydear!
MRS。ALLONBY。Theannoyingthingisthatthewretchescanbeperfectlyhappywithoutus。ThatiswhyIthinkitiseverywoman’sdutynevertoleavethemaloneforasinglemoment，exceptduringthisshortbreathingspaceafterdinner；withoutwhichI
believewepoorwomenwouldbeabsolutelyworntoshadows。
[EnterServantswithcoffee。]
LADYHUNSTANTON。Worntoshadows，dear？
MRS。ALLONBY。Yes，LadyHunstanton。Itissuchastrainkeepingmenuptothemark。Theyarealwaystryingtoescapefromus。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Itseemstomethatitiswewhoarealwaystryingtoescapefromthem。Menaresovery，veryheartless。Theyknowtheirpoweranduseit。
LADYCAROLINE。[TakescoffeefromServant。]Whatstuffandnonsenseallthisaboutmenis!Thethingtodoistokeepmenintheirproperplace。
MRS。ALLONBY。Butwhatistheirproperplace，LadyCaroline？
LADYCAROLINE。Lookingaftertheirwives，Mrs。Allonby。
MRS。ALLONBY。[TakescoffeefromServant。]Really？Andifthey’renotmarried？
LADYCAROLINE。Iftheyarenotmarried，theyshouldbelookingafterawife。It’sperfectlyscandaloustheamountofbachelorswhoaregoingaboutsociety。Thereshouldbealawpassedtocompelthemalltomarrywithintwelvemonths。
LADYSTUTFIELD。[Refusescoffee。]Butifthey’reinlovewithsomeonewho，perhaps，istiedtoanother？
LADYCAROLINE。Inthatcase，LadyStutfield，theyshouldbemarriedoffinaweektosomeplainrespectablegirl，inordertoteachthemnottomeddlewithotherpeople’sproperty。
MRS。ALLONBY。Idon’tthinkthatweshouldeverbespokenofasotherpeople’sproperty。Allmenaremarriedwomen’sproperty。
Thatistheonlytruedefinitionofwhatmarriedwomen’spropertyreallyis。Butwedon’tbelongtoanyone。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Oh，Iamsovery，verygladtohearyousayso。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Butdoyoureallythink，dearCaroline，thatlegislationwouldimprovemattersinanyway？Iamtoldthat，nowadays，allthemarriedmenlivelikebachelors，andallthebachelorslikemarriedmen。
MRS。ALLONBY。Icertainlyneverknowonefromtheother。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Oh，Ithinkonecanalwaysknowatoncewhetheramanhashomeclaimsuponhislifeornot。Ihavenoticedavery，verysadexpressionintheeyesofsomanymarriedmen。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ah，allthatIhavenoticedisthattheyarehorriblytediouswhentheyaregoodhusbands，andabominablyconceitedwhentheyarenot。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Well，Isupposethetypeofhusbandhascompletelychangedsincemyyoungdays，butI’mboundtostatethatpoordearHunstantonwasthemostdelightfulofcreatures，andasgoodasgold。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ah，myhusbandisasortofpromissorynote；I’mtiredofmeetinghim。
LADYCAROLINE。Butyourenewhimfromtimetotime，don’tyou？
MRS。ALLONBY。Ohno，LadyCaroline。Ihaveonlyhadonehusbandasyet。Isupposeyoulookuponmeasquiteanamateur。
LADYCAROLINE。WithyourviewsonlifeIwonderyoumarriedatall。
MRS。ALLONBY。SodoI。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Mydearchild，Ibelieveyouarereallyveryhappyinyourmarriedlife，butthatyouliketohideyourhappinessfromothers。
MRS。ALLONBY。IassureyouIwashorriblydeceivedinErnest。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Oh，Ihopenot，dear。Iknewhismotherquitewell。ShewasaStratton，Caroline，oneofLordCrowland’sdaughtersLADYCAROLINE。VictoriaStratton？Irememberherperfectly。A
sillyfair—hairedwomanwithnochin。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ah，Ernesthasachin。Hehasaverystrongchin，asquarechin。Ernest’schinisfartoosquare。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Butdoyoureallythinkaman’schincanbetoosquare？Ithinkamanshouldlookvery，verystrong，andthathischinshouldbequite，quitesquare。
MRS。ALLONBY。ThenyoushouldcertainlyknowErnest，LadyStutfield。Itisonlyfairtotellyoubeforehandhehasgotnoconversationatall。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Iadoresilentmen。
MRS。ALLONBY。Oh，Ernestisn’tsilent。Hetalksthewholetime。
Buthehasgotnoconversation。WhathetalksaboutIdon’tknow。
Ihaven’tlistenedtohimforyears。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Haveyouneverforgivenhimthen？Howsadthatseems!Butalllifeisvery，verysad，isitnot？
MRS。ALLONBY。Life，LadyStutfield，issimplyaMAUVAISQUART
D’HEUREmadeupofexquisitemoments。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes，therearemoments，certainly。Butwasitsomethingvery，verywrongthatMr。Allonbydid？Didhebecomeangrywithyou，andsayanythingthatwasunkindortrue？
MRS。ALLONBY。Ohdear，no。Ernestisinvariablycalm。Thatisoneofthereasonshealwaysgetsonmynerves。Nothingissoaggravatingascalmness。Thereissomethingpositivelybrutalaboutthegoodtemperofmostmodernmen。Iwonderwewomenstanditaswellaswedo。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes；men’sgoodtempershowstheyarenotsosensitiveasweare，notsofinelystrung。Itmakesagreatbarrieroftenbetweenhusbandandwife，doesitnot？ButIwouldsomuchliketoknowwhatwasthewrongthingMr。Allonbydid。
MRS。ALLONBY。Well，Iwilltellyou，ifyousolemnlypromisetotelleverybodyelse。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Thankyou，thankyou。Iwillmakeapointofrepeatingit。
MRS。ALLONBY。WhenErnestandIwereengaged，hesworetomepositivelyonhiskneesthathehadneverlovedanyonebeforeinthewholecourseofhislife。Iwasveryyoungatthetime，soI
didn’tbelievehim，Ineedn’ttellyou。Unfortunately，however，I
madenoenquiriesofanykindtillafterIhadbeenactuallymarriedfourorfivemonths。Ifoundoutthenthatwhathehadtoldmewasperfectlytrue。Andthatsortofthingmakesamansoabsolutelyuninteresting。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Mydear!
MRS。ALLONBY。Menalwayswanttobeawoman’sfirstlove。Thatistheirclumsyvanity。Wewomenhaveamoresubtleinstinctaboutthings。Whatwelikeistobeaman’slastromance。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Iseewhatyoumean。It’svery，verybeautiful。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Mydearchild，youdon’tmeantotellmethatyouwon’tforgiveyourhusbandbecauseheneverlovedanyoneelse？
Didyoueverhearsuchathing，Caroline？Iamquitesurprised。
LADYCAROLINE。Oh，womenhavebecomesohighlyeducated，Jane，thatnothingshouldsurpriseusnowadays，excepthappymarriages。
Theyapparentlyaregettingremarkablyrare。
MRS。ALLONBY。Oh，they’requiteoutofdate。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Exceptamongstthemiddleclasses，Ihavebeentold。
MRS。ALLONBY。Howlikethemiddleclasses!
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes—isitnot？—very，verylikethem。
LADYCAROLINE。Ifwhatyoutellusaboutthemiddleclassesistrue，LadyStutfield，itredoundsgreatlytotheircredit。Itismuchtoberegrettedthatinourrankoflifethewifeshouldbesopersistentlyfrivolous，undertheimpressionapparentlythatitistheproperthingtobe。ItistothatIattributetheunhappinessofsomanymarriagesweallknowofinsociety。
MRS。ALLONBY。Doyouknow，LadyCaroline，Idon’tthinkthefrivolityofthewifehaseveranythingtodowithit。Moremarriagesareruinednowadaysbythecommonsenseofthehusbandthanbyanythingelse。Howcanawomanbeexpectedtobehappywithamanwhoinsistsontreatingherasifshewereaperfectlyrationalbeing？
LADYHUNSTANTON。Mydear!
MRS。ALLONBY。Man，poor，awkward，reliable，necessarymanbelongstoasexthathasbeenrationalformillionsandmillionsofyears。
Hecan’thelphimself。Itisinhisrace。TheHistoryofWomanisverydifferent。Wehavealwaysbeenpicturesqueprotestsagainstthemereexistenceofcommonsense。Wesawitsdangersfromthefirst。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes，thecommonsenseofhusbandsiscertainlymost，mosttrying。DotellmeyourconceptionoftheIdealHusband。Ithinkitwouldbesovery，veryhelpful。
MRS。ALLONBY。TheIdealHusband？Therecouldn’tbesuchathing。
Theinstitutioniswrong。
LADYSTUTFIELD。TheIdealMan，then，inhisrelationstoUS。
LADYCAROLINE。Hewouldprobablybeextremelyrealistic。
MRS。CAROLINE。TheIdealMan!Oh，theIdealManshouldtalktousasifweweregoddesses，andtreatusasifwewerechildren。Heshouldrefuseallourseriousrequests，andgratifyeveryoneofourwhims。Heshouldencourageustohavecaprices，andforbidustohavemissions。Heshouldalwayssaymuchmorethanhemeans，andalwaysmeanmuchmorethanhesays。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Buthowcouldhedoboth，dear？
MRS。ALLONBY。Heshouldneverrundownotherprettywomen。Thatwouldshowhehadnotaste，ormakeonesuspectthathehadtoomuch。No；heshouldbeniceaboutthemall，butsaythatsomehowtheydon’tattracthim。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Yes，thatisalwaysvery，verypleasanttohearaboutotherwomen。
MRS。ALLONBY。Ifweaskhimaquestionaboutanything，heshouldgiveusananswerallaboutourselves。Heshouldinvariablypraiseusforwhateverqualitiesheknowswehaven’tgot。Butheshouldbepitiless，quitepitiless，inreproachingusforthevirtuesthatwehaveneverdreamedofpossessing。Heshouldneverbelievethatweknowtheuseofusefulthings。Thatwouldbeunforgiveable。
Butheshouldshoweronuseverythingwedon’twant。
LADYCAROLINE。AsfarasIcansee，heistodonothingbutpaybillsandcompliments。
MRS。ALLONBY。Heshouldpersistentlycompromiseusinpublic，andtreatuswithabsoluterespectwhenwearealone。Andyetheshouldbealwaysreadytohaveaperfectlyterriblescene，wheneverwewantone，andtobecomemiserable，absolutelymiserable，atamoment’snotice，andtooverwhelmuswithjustreproachesinlessthantwentyminutes，andtobepositivelyviolentattheendofhalfanhour，andtoleaveusforeverataquartertoeight，whenwehavetogoanddressfordinner。Andwhen，afterthat，onehasseenhimforreallythelasttime，andhehasrefusedtotakebackthelittlethingshehasgivenone，andpromisednevertocommunicatewithoneagain，ortowriteoneanyfoolishletters，heshouldbeperfectlybroken—hearted，andtelegraphtoonealldaylong，andsendonelittlenoteseveryhalf—hourbyaprivatehansom，anddinequitealoneattheclub，sothateveryoneshouldknowhowunhappyhewas。Andafterawholedreadfulweek，duringwhichonehasgoneabouteverywherewithone’shusband，justtoshowhowabsolutelylonelyonewas，hemaybegivenathirdlastparting，intheevening，andthen，ifhisconducthasbeenquiteirreproachable，andonehasbehavedreallybadlytohim，heshouldbeallowedtoadmitthathehasbeenentirelyinthewrong，andwhenhehasadmittedthat，itbecomesawoman’sdutytoforgive，andonecandoitalloveragainfromthebeginning，withvariations。
LADYHUNSTANTON。Howcleveryouare，mydear!Younevermeanasinglewordyousay。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Thankyou，thankyou。Ithasbeenquite，quiteentrancing。Imusttryandrememberitall。Therearesuchanumberofdetailsthataresovery，veryimportant。
LADYCAROLINE。ButyouhavenottoldusyetwhattherewardoftheIdealManistobe。
MRS。ALLONBY。Hisreward？Oh，infiniteexpectation。Thatisquiteenoughforhim。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Butmenaresoterribly，terriblyexacting，aretheynot？
MRS。ALLONBY。Thatmakesnomatter。Oneshouldneversurrender。
LADYSTUTFIELD。NoteventotheIdealMan？
MRS。ALLONBY。Certainlynottohim。Unless，ofcourse，onewantstogrowtiredofhim。
LADYSTUTFIELD。Oh!……yes。Iseethat。Itisvery，veryhelpful。Doyouthink，Mrs。Allonby，IshallevermeettheIdealMan？Oraretheremorethanone？
MRS。ALLONBY。TherearejustfourinLondon，LadyStutfield。