LADYCICELY。No：SHE’Dknowyoumeanwell。Andwhenyoucamehomeandsaid，\"Mary：I’vejusttoldalltheworldthatyoursister—in—lawwasapolicecourtcriminal，andthatIsenthertoprison；andyournephewisabrigand，andI’msendingHIMtoprison\"she’dhavethoughtitmustbeallrightbecauseyoudidit。Butyoudon’tthinkshewouldhaveLIKEDit，anymorethanpapaandtherestofus，doyou？
SIRHOWARD（appalled）。ButwhatamItodo？Doyouaskmetocompoundafelony？
LADYCICELY（sternly）。Certainlynot。Iwouldnotallowsuchathing，evenifyouwerewickedenoughtoattemptit。No。WhatI
sayis，thatyououghtnottotellthestoryyourselfSIRHOWARD。Why？
LADYCICELY。BecauseeverybodywouldsayyouaresuchacleverlawyeryoucouldmakeapoorsimplesailorlikeCaptainKearneybelieveanything。Theproperthingforyoutodo，Howard，istoletMEtelltheexacttruth。Thenyoucansimplysaythatyouareboundtoconfirmme。Nobodycanblameyouforthat。
SIRHOWARD（lookingsuspiciouslyather）。Cicely：youareuptosomedevilment。
LADYCICELY（promptlywashingherhandsofhisinterests）。Oh，verywell。Tellthestoryyourself，inyourowncleverway。Ionlyproposedtotelltheexacttruth。Youcallthatdevilment。Soitis，Idaresay，fromalawyer’spointofview。
SIRHOWARD。Ihopeyou’renotoffended。
LADYCICELY（withtheutmostgoodhumor）。MydearHoward，notabit。Ofcourseyou’reright：youknowhowthesethingsoughttobedone。I’lldoexactlywhatyoutellme，andconfirmeverythingyousay。
SIRHOWARD（alarmedbythecompletenessofhisvictory）。Oh，mydear，youmustn’tactinMYinterest。Youmustgiveyourevidencewithabsoluteimpartiality。（Shenods，asifthoroughlyimpressedandreproved，andgazesathimwiththesteadfastcandorpeculiartoliarswhoreadnovels。Hiseyesturntotheground；andhisbrowcloudsperplexedly。Herises；rubshischinnervouslywithhisforefinger；andadds）Ithink，perhaps，onreflection，thatthereissomethingtobesaidforyourproposaltorelievemeoftheverypainfuldutyoftellingwhathasoccurred。
LADICICELY（holdingoff）。Butyou’ddoitsoverymuchbetter。
SIRHOWARD。Forthatveryreason，perhaps，ithadbettercomefromyou。
LADYCICELY（reluctantly）。Well，ifyou’drather。
SIRHOWARD。Butmind，Cicely，theexacttruth。
LADYCICELY（withconviction）。Theexacttruth。（Theyshakehandsonit。）
SIRHOWARD（holdingherhand）。Fiatjustitia：ruatcoelum!
LADYCICELY。LetJusticebedone，thoughtheceilingfall。
AnAmericanbluejacketappearsatthedoor。
BLUEJACKET。CaptainKearney’scawmplimentstoLadyWaynflete；andmayhecomein？
LADYCICELY。Yes。Byallmeans。Wherearetheprisoners？
BLUEJACKET。Partygawntothejailtofetchem，marm。
LADYCICELY。Thankyou。Ishouldliketobetoldwhentheyarecoming，ifImight。
BLUEJACKET。Youshallso，marm。（Hestandsaside，saluting，toadmithiscaptain，andgoesout。）
CaptainHamlinKearneyisarobustlybuiltwesternAmerican，withthekeen，squeezed，windbeateneyesandobstinatelyenduringmouthofhisprofession。Acuriousethnologicalspecimen，withallthenationsoftheoldworldatwarinhisveins，heisdevelopingartificiallyinthedirectionofsleeknessandcultureundertherestraintsofanoverwhelmingdreadofEuropeancriticism，andclimaticallyinthedirectionoftheindiginousNorthAmerican，whoisalreadyinpossessionofhishair，hischeekbones，andthemanlierinstinctsinhim，whichtheseahasrescuedfromcivilization。Theworld，ponderingonthegreatpartofitsownfuturewhichisinhishands，contemplateshimwithwonderastowhatthedevilhewillevolveintoinanothercenturyortwo。
MeanwhilehepresentshimselftoLadyCicelyasabluntsailorwhohassomethingtosaytoherconcerningherconductwhichhewishestoputpolitely，asbecomesanofficeraddressingalady，butalsowithanemphaticallyimpliedrebuke，asanAmericanaddressinganEnglishpersonwhohastakenaliberty。
LADYCICELY（asheenters）。Sogladyou’vecome，CaptainKearney。
KEARNEY（comingbetweenSirHowardandLadyCicely）。Whenwepartedyesterdayahfternoon，LadyWaynflete，Iwasunawarethatinthecourseofyourvisittomyshipyouhadentirelyalteredthesleepingarrangementsofmystokers。Ithahnkyou。Ascaptainoftheship，IamcustomairilycawnsultedbeforetheordersofEnglishvisitorsarecarriedout；butasyouralterationsappeartocawndoocetothecomfortofthemen，Ihavenotinterferedwiththem。
LADYCICELY。Howcleverofyoutofindout!Ibelieveyouknoweveryboltinthatship。
Kearneysoftensperceptibly。
SIRHOWARD。Iamreallyverysorrythatmysister—in—lawhastakensoseriousaliberty，CaptainKearney。Itisamaniaofhers——
simplyamania。Whydidyourmenpayanyattentiontoher？
KEARNEY（withgravelydissembledhumor）。Well，Iahskedthatquestiontoo。Isaid，Whydidyouobeythatlady’sordersinsteadofwaitingformine？Theysaidtheydidn’tseeexactlyhowtheycouldrefuse。Iahskedwhethertheycawnsideredthatdiscipline。
Theysaid，Well，sir，willyoutalktotheladyyourselfnexttime？
LADYCICELY。I’msosorry。Butyouknow，Captain，theonethingthatonemissesonboardaman—of—warisawoman。
KEARNEY。Weoftenfeelthatdeprivationverrykeenly，LadyWaynflete。
LADYCICELY。MyuncleisfirstLordoftheAdmiralty；andIamalwaystellinghimwhatascandalitisthatanEnglishcaptainshouldbeforbiddentotakehiswifeonboardtolookaftertheship。
KEARNEY。Strangerstill，LadyWaynflete，heisnotforbiddentotakeanyotherlady。Yoursisanextraordinairycountry——toanAmerrican。
LADYCICELY。Butit’smostserious，Captain。Thepoormengomelancholymad，andrameachother’sshipsanddoallsortsofthings。
SIRHOWARD。Cicely：IbegyouwillnottalknonsensetoCaptainKearney。Yourideasonsomesubjectsarereallyhardlydecorous。
LADYCICELY（toKearney）。That’swhatEnglishpeoplearelike，CaptainKearney。Theywon’thearofanythingconcerningyoupoorsailorsexceptNelsonandTrafalgar。YOUunderstandme，don’tyou？
KEARNEY（gallantly）。IcawnsiderthatyouhavemoresenseinyourweddingringfingerthantheBritishAhdmiraltyhasinitswholecawnstitootion，LadyWaynflete。
LADYCICELY。OfcourseIhave。Sailorsalwaysunderstandthings。
Thebluejacketreappears。
BLUEJACKET（toLadyCicely）。Prisonerscomingupthehill，marm。
KEARNEY（turningsharplyonhim）。Whosentyouintosaythat？
BLUEJACKET（calmly）。Britishlady’sorders，sir。（Hsgoesout，unruffled，leavingKearneydumbfounded。）
SIRHOWARD（contemplatingKearney’sexpressionwithdismay）。Iamreallyverysorry，CaptainKearney。IamquiteawarethatLadyCicelyhasnorightwhatevertogiveorderstoyourmen。
LADYCICELY。Ididn’tgiveorders：Ijustaskedhim。Hehassuchaniceface!Don’tyouthinkso，CaptainKearney？（Hegasps，speechless。）Andnowwillyouexcusemeamoment。Iwanttospeaktosomebodybeforetheinquirybegins。（Shehurriesout。）
KEARNEY。ThereissertnlyawonderfulchahrnabouttheBritisharistocracy，SirHowardHallam。Aretheyalllikethat？（Hetakesthepresidentialchair。）
SIRHOWARD（resuminghisseatonKearney’sright）。Fortunatelynot，CaptainKearney。HalfadozensuchwomenwouldmakeanendoflawinEnglandinsixmonths。
Thebluejacketcomestothedooragain。
BLUEJACKET。Allready，sir。
KEARNEY。Verrygood。I’mwaiting。
Thebluejacketturnsandintimatesthistothosewithout。
TheofficersoftheSantiagoenter。
SIRHOWARD（risingandbobbingtotheminajudicialmanner）。Goodmorning，gentlemen。
Theyacknowledgethegreetingrathershyly，bowingortouchingtheircaps，andstandinagroupbehindKearney。
KEARNEY（toSirHoward）。YouwillbeglahdtohearthatIhaveaverrygoodaccountofoneofourprisonersfromourchahplain，whovisitedtheminthegaol。HehasexpressedawishtobecawnvertedtoEpiscopalianism。
SIRHOWARD（drily）。Yes，IthinkIknowhim。
KEARNEY。Bringintheprisoners。
BLUEJACKET（atthedoor）。TheyareengagedwiththeBritishlady，sir。ShallIaskher——
KEARNEY（jumpingupandexplodinginstormpiercingtones）。Bringintheprisoners。Telltheladythosearemyorders。Doyouhear？
Tellherso。（Thebluejacketgoesoutdubiously。Theofficerslookatoneanotherinmutecommentontheunaccountablepepperinessoftheircommander。）
SIRHOWARD（suavely）。Mr。Rankinwillbepresent，Ipresume。
KEARNEY（angrily）。Rahnkin!WhoisRahnkin？
SIRHOWARD。Ourhostthemissionary。
KEARNEY（subsidingunwillingly）。Oh!Rahnkin，ishe？He’dbetterlooksharporhe’llbelate。（Againexploding。）Whataretheydoingwiththoseprisoners？
Rankinhurriesin，andtakeshisplacenearSirHoward。
SIRHOWARD。ThisisMr。Rankin，CaptainKearney。
RANKIN。Excusemydelay，CaptainKearney。Theleddysentmeonanerrand。（Kearneygrunts。）IthoughtIshouldbelate。ButthefirstthingIheardwhenIarrivedwasyourofficergivingyourcomplimentstoLeddyCeecily，andwouldshekindlyallowtheprisonerstocomein，asyouwereanxioustoseeheragain。ThenI
knewIwasintime。
KEARNEY。Oh，thatwasit，wasit？MayIask，sir，didyounoticeanysignonLadyWaynflete’spartofcawmplyingwiththatverrymoderaterequest？
LADYCICELY（outside）。Coming，coming。
Theprisonersarebroughtinbyaguardofarmedbluejackets。
Drinkwaterfirst，againelaboratelyclean，andconveyingbyavirtuousandsteadfastsmirkacheerfulconfidenceinhisinnocence。Johnsonsolidandinexpressive，Redbrookunconcernedanddebonair，Marzouneasy。Thesefourformalittlegrouptogetheronthecaptain’sleft。TherestwaitunintelligentlyonProvidenceinarowagainstthewallonthesameside，shepherdedbythebluejackets。Thefirstbluejacket，apettyofficer，postshimselfonthecaptain’sright，behindRankinandSirHoward。
FinallyBrassboundappearswithLadyCicelyonhisarm。Heisinfashionablefrockcoatandtrousers，spotlesscollarandcuffs，andelegantboots。Hecarriesaglossytallhatinhishand。Toanunsophisticatedeye，thechangeismonstrousandappalling；anditseffectonhimselfissounmanningthatheisquiteoutofcountenance——ashavenSamson。LadyCicely，however，isgreatlypleasedwithit；andtherestregarditasanunquestionableimprovement。Theofficersfallbackgallantlytoallowhertopass。Kearneyrisestoreceiveher，andstareswithsomesurpriseatBrassboundashestopsatthetableonhisleft。SirHowardrisespunctiliouslywhenKearneyrisesandsitswhenhesits。
KEARNEY。Isthisanothergentlemanofyourparty，LadyWaynflete？
IpresumeImetyoulahstnight，sir，onboardtheyacht。
BRASSBOUND。No。Iamyourprisoner。MynameisBrassbound。
DRINKWATER（officiously）。KepnBrarsbahnd，oftheschoonerThenksgiv——
REDBROOK（hastily）。Shutup，youfool。（HeelbowsDrinkwaterintothebackground。）
KEARNEY（surprisedandrathersuspicious）。Well，Ihardlyunderstahndthis。However，ifyouareCaptainBrassbound，youcantakeyourplacewiththerest。（BrassboundjoinsRedbrookandJohnson。Kearneysitsdownagain，afterinvitingLadyCicely，withasolemngesture，totakethevacantchair。）Nowletmesee。Youareamanofexperienceinthesematters，SirHowardHallam。Ifyouhadtoconductthisbusiness，howwouldyoustart？
LADYCICELY。He’dcallonthecounselfortheprosecution，wouldn’tyou，Howard？
SIRHOWARD。Butthereisnocounselfortheprosecution，Cicely。
LADYCICELY。Ohyesthereis。I’mcounselfortheprosecution。Youmustn’tletSirHowardmakeaspeech，CaptainKearney：hisdoctorshavepositivelyforbiddenanythingofthatsort。Willyoubeginwithme？
KEARNEY。Byyourleave，LadyWaynfiete，IthinkIwilljustbeginwithmyself。Sailorfashionwilldoaswellhereaslawyerfashion。
LADYCICELY。Eversomuchbetter，dearCaptainKearney。（Silence。
Kearneycomposeshimselftospeak。Shebreaksoutagain）。Youlooksoniceasajudge!
Ageneralsmile。Drinkwaterspluttersintoahalfsuppressedlaugh。
REDBROOK（inafiercewhisper）。Shutup，youfool，willyou？
（Againhepusheshimbackwithafurtivekick。）
SIRHOWARD（remonstrating）。Cicely!
KEARNEY（grimlykeepinghiscountenance）。Yourladyship’scawmplimentswillbeinorderatalaterstage。CaptainBrassbound：thepositionisthis。Myship，theUnitedStatescruiserSantiago，wasspokenoffMogadorlatestThursdaybytheyachtRedgauntlet。Theowneroftheaforesaidyacht，whoisnotpresentthroughhavingsprainedhisankle，gavemesertninformation。IncawnsequenceofthatinformationtheSantiagomadethetwentyknotstoMogadorHarborinsideoffifty—sevenminutes。
BeforenoonnextdayamessengerofminegavetheCadiofthedistrictsertninformation。IncawnsequenceofthatinformationtheCadistimulatedhimselftosometenknotsanhour，andlodgedyouandyourmeninMogadorjailatmydisposal。TheCadithenwentbacktohismountainfahstnesses；soweshallnothavethepleasureofhiscompanyhereto—day。Doyoufollowmesofar？
BRASSBOUND。Yes。IknowwhatyoudidandwhattheCadidid。Thepointis，whydidyoudoit？
KEARNEY。Withdoopatienceweshallcometothatpresently。Mr。
Rahnkin：willyoukindlytakeuptheparable？
RANKIN。OntheverydaythatSirHowrrdandLadyCicelystartedontheirexcursionIwasappliedtoformedicinebyafolloweroftheSheikhSidielAssif。HetoldmeIshouldneverseeSirHowrrdagain，becausehismasterknewhewasaChristianandwouldtakehimoutofthehandsofCaptainBrassbound。Ihurriedonboardtheyachtandtoldtheownertoscourthecoastforagunboatorcruisertocomeintotheharborandputpersuasionontheauthorities。（SirHowardturnsandlooksatRankinwithasuddendoubtofhisintegrityasawitness。）
KEARNEY。ButIunderstoodfromourchahplainthatyoureportedCaptainBrassboundasinleaguewiththeSheikhtodeliverSirHowarduptohim。
RANKIN。Thatwasmyfirsthastyconclusion，CaptainKearney。ButitappearsthatthecompactbetweenthemwasthatCaptainBrassboundshouldescorttravellersundertheSheikh’sprotectionatacertainpaymentperhead，providednoneofthemwereChristians。AsIunderstandit，hetriedtosmuggleSirHowrrdthroughunderthiscompact，andtheSheikhfoundhimout。
DRINKWATER。Rawt，gavner。Thet’sjestahitwors。TheKepn——
REDBROOK（againsuppressinghim）。Shutup，youfool，Itellyou。
SIRHOWARD（toRankin）。MayIaskhaveyouhadanyconversationwithLadyCicelyonthissubject？
RANKIN（naively）。Yes。（SirHowardqruntsemphatically，aswhoshouldsay\"Ithoughtso。\"Rankincontinues。addressingthecourt）
MayIsayhowsorryIamthattherearesofewchairs，Captainandgentlemen。
KEARNEY（withgenialAmericancourtesy）。Oh，THAT’sallright，Mr。
Rahnkin。Well，Iseenoharmsofar：it’shumanfawlly，butnothumancrime。Nowthecounselfortheprosecutioncanproceedtoprosecute。Thefloorisyours，LadyWaynflete。
LADYCICELY（rising）。Icanonlytellyoutheexacttruth——
DRINKWATER（involuntarily）。Naow，down’tdothet，lidy——
REDBROOK（asbefore）。SHUTup，youfool，willyou？
LADYCICELY。Wehadamostdelightfultripinthehills；andCaptainBrassbound’smencouldnothavebeennicer——Imustsaythatforthem——untilwesawatribeofArabs——suchnicelookingmen!——andthenthepoorthingswerefrightened。
KEARNEY。TheArabs？
LADYCICELY。No：Arabsareneverfrightened。Theescort，ofcourse：escortsarealwaysfrightened。IwantedtospeaktotheArabchief；butCaptainBrassboundcruellyshothishorse；andthechiefshottheCount；andthen——
KEARNEY。TheCount!WhatCount？
LADYCICELY。Marzo。That’sMarzo（pointingtoMarzo，whogrinsandtoucheshisforehead）。
KEARNEY（slightlyoverwhelmedbytheunexpectedprofusionofincidentandcharacterinherstory）。Well，whathappenedthen？
LADYCICELY。Thentheescortranaway——allescortsdo——anddraggedmeintothecastle，whichyoureallyoughttomakethemcleanandwhitewashthoroughly，CaptainKearney。ThenCaptainBrassboundandSirHowardturnedouttoberelatedtooneanother（sensation）；
andthenofcourse，therewasaquarrel。TheHallamsalwaysquarrel。
SIRHOWARD（risingtoprotest）。Cicely!CaptainKearney：thismantoldme——
LADYCICELY（swiftlyinterruptinghim）。Youmustn’tsaywhatpeopletoldyou：it’snotevidence。（SirHowardchokeswithindignation。）
KEARNEY（calmly）。Allowtheladytoproceed，SirHowardHallam。
SIRHOWARD（recoveringhisself—controlwithagulp，andresuminghisseat）。Ibegyourpardon，CaptainKearney。
LADYCICELY。ThenSidicame。
KEARNEY。Sidney!WhowasSidney？
LADYCICELY。No，Sidi。TheSheikh。SidielAssif。Anoblecreature，withsuchafineface!Hefellinlovewithmeatfirstsight——
SIRHOWARD（remonstrating）。Cicely!
LADYCICELY。Hedid：youknowhedid。Youtoldmetotelltheexacttruth。
KEARNEY。Icanreadilybelieveit，madam。Proceed。
LADYCICELY。Well，thatputthepoorfellowintoamostcrueldilemma。Yousee，hecouldclaimtocarryoffSirHoward，becauseSirHowardisaChristian。ButasIamonlyawoman，hehadnoclaimtome。
KEARNEY（somewhatsternly，suspectingLadyCicelyofaristocraticatheism）。ButyouareaChristianwoman。
LADYCICELY。No：theArabsdon’tcountwomen。Theydon’tbelievewehaveanysouls。
RANKIN。Thatistrue，Captain：thepoorbenightedcreatures!
LADYCICELY。Well，whatwashetodo？Hewasn’tinlovewithSirHoward；andheWASinlovewithme。SohenaturallyofferedtoswopSirHowardforme。Don’tyouthinkthatwasniceofhim，CaptainKearney？
KEARNEY。Ishouldhavedonethesamemyself，LadyWaynflete。
Proceed。
LADYCICELY。CaptainBrassbound，Imustsay，wasnoblenessitself，inspiteofthequarrelbetweenhimselfandSirHoward。Herefusedtogiveupeitherofus，andwasonthepointoffightingforuswhenincametheCadiwithyourmostamusinganddelightfulletter，captain，andbundledusallbacktoMogadoraftercallingmypoorSidithemostdreadfulnames，andputtingalltheblameonCaptainBrassbound。Sohereweare。Now，Howard，isn’tthattheexacttruth，everywordofit？
SIRHOWARD。Itisthetruth，Cicely，andnothingbutthetruth。
ButtheEnglishlawrequiresawitnesstotelltheWHOLEtruth。
LADYCICELY。Whatnonsense!Asifanybodyeverknewthewholetruthaboutanything!（Sittingdown，muchhurtanddiscouraged。）
I’msorryyouwishCaptainKearneytounderstandthatIamanuntruthfulwitness。
SIRHOWARD。No：but——
LADYCICELY。Verywell，then：pleasedon’tsaythingsthatconveythatimpression。
KEARNEY。ButSirHowardtoldmeyesterdaythatCaptainBrassboundthreatenedtosellhimintoslavery。
LADYCICELY（springingupagain）。DidSirHowardtellyouthethingshesaidaboutCaptainBrassbound’smother？（Renewedsensation。）Itoldyoutheyquarrelled，CaptainKearney。Isaidso，didn’tI？
REDBROOK（crisply）。Distinctly。（Drinkwateropenshismouthtocorroborate。）Shutup，youfool。
LADYCICELY。OfcourseIdid。Now，CaptainKearney，doYOUwantme——doesSirHowardwantme——doesANYBODYwantmetogointothedetailsofthatshockingfamilyquarrel？AmItostandhereintheabsenceofanyindividualofmyownsexandrepeatthelanguageoftwoangrymen？
KEARNEY（risingimpressively）。TheUnitedStatesnavywillhavenohahndinofferinganyviolencetothepureinstinctsofwomanhood。
LadyWaynflete：Ithahnkyouforthedelicacywithwhichyouhavegivenyourevidence。（LadyCicelybeamsonhimgratefullyandsitsdowntriumphant。）CaptainBrassbound：IshallnotholdyourespawnsibleforwhatyoumayhavesaidwhentheEnglishbenchaddressedyouinthelanguageoftheEnglishforecastle——（SirHowardisabouttoprotest。）No，SirHowardHallam：excuseME。
InmomentsofpahssionIhavecalledamanthatmyself。Weareglahdtofindrealfleshandbloodbeneaththeermineofthejudge。Wewillallnowdropasubjectthatshouldneverhavebeenbroachedinalady’spresence。（Heresumeshisseat，andadds，inabusinessliketone）Isthereanythingfurtherbeforewereleasethesemen？
BLUEJACKET。TherearesomedawcumentshandedoverbytheCadi，sir。Hereckonedtheyweresortofmagicspells。Thechahplainorderedthemtobereportedtoyouandburnt，withyourleave，sir。
KEARNEY。Whatarethey？
BLUEJACKET（readingfromalist）。Fourbooks，tornanddirty，madeupofseparatenumbers，valueeachwawnpenny，andentitledSweenyTodd，theDemonBarberofLondon；TheSkeletonHorseman——
DRINKWATER（rushingforwardinpainfulalarm。andanxiety）。It’smawlawbrary，gavner。Down’tburnem。
KEARNEY。You’llbebetterwithoutthatsortofreading，myman。
DRINKWATER（inintensedistress，appealingtoLadyCicely）Down’tletemburnem，Lidy。Theydasn’tifyouhorderthemnotto。（Withdesperateeloquence）Yerdunnowotthembooksistome。TheytookmeahtofthesawdidreeyellitiesoftheWorterleooRowd。Theyformedmawmawnd：theyshaowedmesathinkawgherthanthesqualorofacorster’slawf——
REDBROOK（collaringhim）。Ohshutup，youfool。Getout。Holdyourton——
DRINKWATER（franticallybreakingfromhim）。Lidy，lidy：syawordforme。Evafeelinawt。（Histearschokehim：heclaspshishandsindumbentreaty。）
LADYCICELY（touched）。Don’tburnhisbooks。Captain。Letmegivethembacktohim。
KEARNEY。Thebookswillbehandedovertothelady。
DRINKWATER（inasmallvoice）。Thenkyer，Lidy。（Heretiresamonghiscomrades，snivellingsubduedly。）
REDBROOK（asidetohimashepasses）。Yousillyass，you。
（Drinkwatersniffsanddoesnotreply。）
KEARNEY。Isupposeyouandyourmenacceptthislady’saccountofwhatpassed，CaptainBrassbound。
BRASSBOUND（gloomily）。Yes。Itistrue——asfarasitgoes。
KEARNEY（impatiently）。Doyouwawntittogoanyfurther？
MARZO。Sheleaveoutsomething。Arabshootme。Shenurseme。Shecureme。
KEARNEY。Andwhoareyou，pray？
MARZO（seizedwithasanctimoniousdesiretodemonstratehishighernature）。Onlydamthief。Damliar。Damrascal。Shenolady。
JOHNSON（revoltedbytheseeminginsulttotheEnglishpeeragefromalowItalian）。What？What’sthatyousay？
MARZO。Noladynursedamrascal。Onlysaint。Shesaint。Shegetmetoheaven——getusalltoheaven。Wedowhatwelikenow。
LADYCICELY。IndeedyouwilldonothingofthesortMarzo，unlessyouliketobehaveyourselfverynicelyindeed。Whathourdidyousayweweretolunchat，CaptainKearney？
KEARNEY。Yourecallmetomydooty，LadyWaynflete。MybargewillbereadytotakeoffyouandSirHowardtotheSantiagoatoneo’clawk。（Herises。）CaptainBrassbound：thisinnqueryhaselicitednoreasonwhyIshoulddetainyouoryourmen。Iadviseyoutoahctasescortinfuturetoheathensexclusively。Mr。
Rahnkin：IthahnkyouinthenameoftheUnitedStatesforthehospitahlityyouhaveextendedtoustoday；andIinviteyoutoaccompanymebahcktomyshipwithaviewtolunchathalf—pastone。Gentlemen：wewillwaitonthegovernorofthegaolonourwaytotheharbor（Hegoesout，followinghisofficers，andfollowedbythebluejacketsandthepettyofficer。）
SIRHOWARD（toLadyCicely）。Cicely：inthecourseofmyprofessionalcareerIhavemetwithunscrupulouswitnesses，and，I
amsorrytosay，unscrupulouscounselalso。ButthecombinationofunscrupulouswitnessandunscrupulouscounselIhavemetto—dayhastakenawaymybreathYouhavemademeyouraccompliceindefeatingjustice。
LADYCICELY。Yes：aren’tyougladit’sbeendefeatedforonce？
（Shetakeshisarmtogooutwithhim。）CaptainBrassbound：IwillcomebacktosaygoodbyebeforeIgo。（Henodsgloomily。ShegoesoutwithSirHoward，followingtheCaptainandhisstaff。）
RANKIN（runningtoBrassboundandtakingbothhishands）。I’mrightgladye’recleared。I’llcomebackandhaveacrackwithyewhenyonlunchisover。Godblessye。（Hsgoesoutquickly。）
Brassboundandhismen，leftbythemselvesintheroom，freeandunobserved，gostraightoutoftheirsenses。Theylaugh；theydance；theyembraceoneanother；theysettopartnersandwaltzclumsily；theyshakehandsrepeatedlyandmaudlinly。Threeonlyretainsomesortofself—possession。Marzo，proudofhavingsuccessfullythrusthimselfintoaleadingpartintherecentproceedingsandmadeadramaticspeech，inflateshischest，curlshisscantymoustache，andthrowshimselfintoaswaggeringpose，chinupandrightfootforward，despisingtheemotionalEnglishbarbariansaroundhim。Brassbound’seyesandtheworkingofhismouthshowthatheisinfectedwiththegeneralexcitement；buthebridleshimselfsavagely。Redbrook，trainedtoaffectindifference，grinscynically；winksatBrassbound；andfinallyrelieveshimselfbyassumingthecharacterofacircusringmaster，flourishinganimaginarywhipandeggingontheresttowilderexertions。AclimaxisreachedwhenDrinkwater，letloosewithoutastainonhischaracterforthesecondtime，israptbybeliefinhisstarintoanecstasyinwhich，scorningallpartnership，hebecomesasitwereawhirlingdervish，andexecutessomiraculousaclogdancethattheothersgraduallyceasetheirsloweranticstostareathim。
BRASSBOUND（tearingoffhishatandstridingforwardasDrinkwatercollapses，exhausted，andispickedupbyRedbrook）。Nowtogetridofthisrespectableclobberandfeellikeamanagain。Standby，allhands，tojumponthecaptain’stallhat。（Heputsthehatdownandpreparestojumponit。Theeffectisstartling，andtakeshimcompletelyaback。Hisfollowers，farfromappreciatinghisiconoclasm，areshockedintoscandalizedsobriety，exceptRedbrook，whoisimmenselytickledbytheirprudery。）
DRINKWATER。Naow，lookeah，kepn：thatyntrawt。Droralawnsomewhere。
JOHNSON。Isaynothinagenabitoffun，Capn；，butlet’sbegentlemen。
REDBROOK。Isuggesttoyou，Brassbound，thattheclobberbelongstoLadySis。Ain’tyougoingtogiveitbacktoher？
BRASSBOUND（pickingupthehatandbrushingthedustoffitanxiously）。That’strue。I’mafool。Allthesame，sheshallnotseemeagainlikethis。（Hepullsoffthecoatandwaistcoattogether。）Doesanymanhereknowhowtofoldupthissortofthingproperly？
REDBROOK。Allowme，governor。（Hetakesthecoatandwaistcoattothetable，andfoldsthemup。）
BRASSBOUND（looseninghiscollarandthefrontofhisshirt）。
BrandyfacedJack：you’relookingatthesestuds。Iknowwhat’sinyourmind。
DRINKWATER（indignantly）。Naowyerdown’t：nortabitonit。Wot’sinmawmawndissecrifawce，seolf—secrifawce。
BRASSBOUND。Ifonebrasspinofthatlady’spropertyismissing，I’llhangyouwithmyownhandsatthegaffoftheThanksgiving——
andwould，ifshewerelyingunderthegunsofallthefleetsinEurope。（Hepullsofftheshirtandstandsinhisbluejersey，withhishairruffled。Hepasseshishandthroughitandexclaims）
NowIamhalfaman，atanyrate。
REDBROOK。Ahorriblecombination，governor：churchwardenfromthewaistdown，andtherestpirate。LadySiswon’tspeaktoyouinit。
BRASSBOUND。I’llchangealtogether。（Heleavestheroomtogethisowntrousers。）
REDBROOK（softly）。Lookhere，Johnson，andgentsgenerally。（Theygatherabouthim。）SposeshetakeshimbacktoEngland!
MARZO（tryingtorepeathissuccess）。Im!Imonlydampirate。Shesaint，Itellyou——notakeanymannowhere。
JOHNSON（severely）。Don’tyoubeaignorantandimmoralforeigner。
（Therebukeiswellreceived；andMarzoishustledintothebackgroundandextinguished。）Shewon’ttakehimforharm；butshemighttakehimforgood。Andthenwhereshouldwebe？
DRINKWATER。Brarsbahndynttheownlykepnintheworld。Wotmikesakepnisbrinesanknollidgeolawf。Ityntthetther’snaowsitchpusson：it’sthetyoudunnowheretolookfrim。（Theimplicationthatheissuchapersonissointolerablethattheyreceiveitwithaprolongedburstofbooing。）
BRASSBOUND（returninginhisownclothes，gettingintohisjacketashecomes）。Standby，all。（Theystartasunderguiltily，andwaitfororders。）Redbrook：youpackthatclobberinthelady’sportmanteau，andputitaboardtheyachtforher。Johnson：youtakeallhandsaboardtheThanksgiving；lookthroughthestores：
weighanchor；andmakeallreadyforsea。ThensendJacktowaitformeattheslipwithaboat；andgivemeagunfirefornsignal。Losenotime。
JOHNSON。Ay，ay，air。Allaboard，mates。
ALL。Ay，ay。（Theyrushouttumultuously。）
Whentheyaregone，Brassboundsitsdownattheendofthetable，withhiselbowsonitandhisheadonhisfists，gloomilythinking。Thenhetakesfromthebreastpocketofhisjacketaleathercase，fromwhichheextractsascrappypacketofdirtylettersandnewspapercuttings。Thesehethrowsonthetable。Nextcomesaphotographinacheapframe。Hethrowsitdownuntenderlybesidethepapers；thenfoldshisarms，andislookingatitwithgrimdistastewhenLadyCicelyenters。Hisbackistowardsher；
andhedoesnothearher。Perceivingthis，sheshutsthedoorloudlyenoughtoattracthisattention。Hestartsup。
LADYCICELY（comingtotheoppositeendofthetable）。Soyou’vetakenoffallmybeautifulclothes!
BRASSBOUND。Yourbrother’s，youmean。Amanshouldwearhisownclothes；andamanshouldtellhisownlies。I’msorryyouhadtotellmineformeto—day。
LADYCICELY。Oh，womenspendhalftheirlivestellinglittleliesformen，andsometimesbigones。We’reusedtoit。Butmind!I
don’tadmitthatItoldanyto—day。
BRASSBOUND。Howdidyousquaremyuncle？
LADYCICELY。Idon’tunderstandtheexpression。
BRASSBOUND。Imean——
LADYCICELY。I’mafraidwehaven’ttimetogointowhatyoumeanbeforelunch。Iwanttospeaktoyouaboutyourfuture。MayI？
BRASSBOUND（darkeningalittle，butpolitely）。Sitdown。（Shesitsdown。Sodoeshe。）
LADYCICELY。Whatareyourplans？
BRASSBOUND。Ihavenoplans。Youwillhearagunfiredintheharborpresently。ThatwillmeanthattheThanksgiving’sanchor’sweighedandthatsheiswaitingforhercaptaintoputouttosea。
Andhercaptaindoesn’tknownowwhethertoturnherheadnorthorsouth。
LADYCICELY。WhynotnorthforEngland？
BRASSBOUND。WhynotsouthforthePole？
LADYCICELY。Butyoumustdosomethingwithyourself。
BRASSBOUND（settlinghimselfwithhisfistsandelbowsweightilyonthetableandlookingstraightandpowerfullyather）。Lookyou：whenyouandIfirstmet，Iwasamanwithapurpose。Istoodalone：Isaddlednofriend，womanorman，withthatpurpose，becauseitwasagainstlaw，againstreligion，againstmyowncreditandsafety。ButIbelievedinit；andIstoodaloneforit，asamanshouldstandforhisbelief，againstlawandreligionasmuchasagainstwickednessandselfishness。WhateverImaybe，I
amnoneofyourfairweathersailorsthat’lldonothingfortheircreedbutgotoHeavenforit。Iwasreadytogotohellformine。
Perhapsyoudon’tunderstandthat。
LADYCICELY。Ohblessyou，yes。It’ssoverylikeacertainsortofman。
BRASSBOUND。IdaresaybutI’venotmetmanyofthatsort。Anyhow，thatwaswhatIwaslike。Idon’tsayIwashappyinit；butI
wasn’tunhappy，becauseIwasn’tdrifting。Iwassteeringacourseandhadworkinhand。Giveamanhealthandacoursetosteer；andhe’llneverstoptotroubleaboutwhetherhe’shappyornot。
LADYCICELY。Sometimeshewon’tevenstoptotroubleaboutwhetherotherpeoplearehappyornot。
BRASBIiOUND。Idon’tdenythat：nothingmakesamansoselfishaswork。ButIwasnotself—seeking：itseemedtomethatIhadputjusticeaboveself。Itellyoulifemeantsomethingtomethen。Doyouseethatdirtylittlebundleofscrapsofpaper？
LADYCICELY。Whatarethey？
BRASSBOUND。Accountscutoutofnewspapers。Speechesmadebymyuncleatcharitabledinners，orsentencingmentodeath——pious，highmindedspeechesbyamanwhowastomeathiefandamurderer!
Tomymindtheyweremoreweighty，moremomentous，betterrevelationsofthewickednessoflawandrespectabilitythanthebookoftheprophetAmos。Whataretheynow？（Hequietlytearsthenewspapercuttingsintolittlefragmentsandthrowsthemaway，lookingfixedlyathermeanwhile。）
LADYCICELY。Well，that’sacomfort，atallevents。
BRASSBOUND。Yes；butit’sapartofmylifegone：YOURdoing，remember。WhathaveIleft？Seehere!（Hetakeuptheletters）thelettersmyunclewrotetomymother，withhercommentsontheircolddrawninsolence，theirtreacheryandcruelty。Andthepiteouslettersshewrotetohimlateron，returnedunopened。Musttheygotoo？
LADYCICELY（uneasily）。Ican’taskyoutodestroyyourmother’sletters。
BRASSBOUND。Whynot，nowthatyouhavetakenthemeaningoutofthem？（Hetearsthem。）Isthatacomforttoo？
LADYCICELY。It’salittlesad；butperhapsitisbestso。
BRASSBOOND。Thatleavesonerelic：herportrait。（Heplucksthephotographoutofitscheapcase。）
LADYCICELY（withvividcuriosity）。Oh，letmesee。（Hehandsittoher。Beforeshecancontrolherself，herexpressionchangestooneofunmistakabledisappointmentandrepulsion。）
BRASSBOUND（withasinglesardoniccachinnation）。Ha!Youexpectedsomethingbetterthanthat。Well，you’reright。Herfacedoesnotlookwelloppositeyours。
LADYCICELY（distressed）。Isaidnothing。
BRASSSOUND。Whatcouldyousay？（Hetakesbacktheportrait：sherelinquishesitwithoutaword。Helooksatit；shakeshishead；
andtakesitquietlybetweenhisfingerandthumbtotearit。）
LADYCICELY（stayinghishand）。Oh，notyourmother’spicture!
BRASSBOUND。Ifthatwereyourpicture，wouldyoulikeyoursontokeepitforyoungerandbetterwomentosee？
LADYCICELY（releasinghishand）。Oh，youaredreadful!Tearit，tearit。（Shecovershereyesforamomenttoshutoutthesight。）
BRASSBOUND（tearingitquietly）。Youkilledherformethatdayinthecastle；andIambetterwithouther。（Hethrowsawaythefragments。）Noweverythingisgone。Youhavetakentheoldmeaningoutofmylife；butyouhaveputnonewmeaningintoit。Icanseethatyouhavesomecluetotheworldthatmakesallitsdifficultieseasyforyou；butI’mnotcleverenoughtoseizeit。
You’velamedmebyshowingmethatItakelifethewrongwaywhenI’mlefttomyself。
LADYCICELY。Ohno。Whydoyousaythat？
BRASSBOUND。WhatelsecanIsay？SeewhatI’vedone!Myuncleisnoworseamanthanmyself——better，mostlikely；forhehasabetterheadandahigherplace。Well，Itookhimforavillainoutofastorybook。Mymotherwouldhaveopenedanybodyelse’seyes：
sheshutmine。I’mastupidermanthanBrandyfacedJackeven；forhegothisromanticnonsenseoutofhispennynumbersandsuchliketrash；butIgotjustthesamenonsenseoutoflifeandexperience。（Shakinghishead）Itwasvulgar——VULGAR。Iseethatnow；foryou’veopenedmyeyestothepast；butwhatgoodisthatforthefuture？WhatamItodo？WhereamItogo？
LADYCICELY。It’squitesimple。Dowhateveryoulike。That’swhatIalwaysdo。
BRASSBOUND。Thatanswerisnogoodtome。WhatIlikeistohavesomethingtodo；andIhavenothing。Youmightaswelltalklikethemissionaryandtellmetodomyduty。
LADYCICELY（quickly）。Ohnothankyou。I’vehadquiteenoughofyourduty，andHoward’sduty。WherewouldyoubothbenowifI’dletyoudoit？
BRASSBOUND。We’dhavebeensomewhere，atallevents。ItseemstomethatnowIamnowhere。
LADYCICELY。Butaren’tyoucomingbacktoEnglandwithus？
BRASSBOUND。Whatfor？
LADYCICELY。Why，tomakethemostofyouropportunities。
BRASSBOUND。Whatopportunities？
LADYCICELY。Don’tyouunderstandthatwhenyouarethenephewofagreatbigwig，andhaveinfluentialconnexions，andgoodfriendsamongthem，lotsofthingscanbedoneforyouthatareneverdoneforordinaryshipcaptains？
BRASSBOUND。Ah；butI’mnotanaristocrat，yousee。Andlikemostpoormen，I’mproud。Idon’tlikebeingpatronized。
LADYCICELY。Whatistheuseofsayingthat？Inmyworld，whichisnowyourworld——OURworld——gettingpatronageisthewholeartoflife。Amancan’thaveacareerwithoutit。
BRASSBOUND。Inmyworldamancannavigateashipandgethislivingbyit。
LADYCICELY。Oh，Iseeyou’reoneoftheIdealists——theImpossibilists!Wehavethem，too，occasionally，inourworld。
There’sonlyonethingtobedonewiththem。
BRASSBOUND。What’sthat？
LADYCICELY。Marrythemstraightofftosomegirlwithenoughmoneyforthem，andplentyofsentiment。That’stheirfate。
BRASSBOUND。You’vespoiledeventhatchanceforme。DoyouthinkI
couldlookatanyordinarywomanafteryou？Youseemtobeabletomakemedoprettywellwhatyoulike；butyoucan’tmakememarryanybodybutyourself。
LADYCICELY。Doyouknow，CaptainPaquito，thatI’vemarriednolessthanseventeenmen（Brassboundstares）tootherwomen。Andtheyallopenedthesubjectbysayingthattheywouldnevermarryanybodybutme。
BRASSBOUND。ThenIshallbethefirstmanyoueverfoundtostandtohisword。
LADYCICELY（partpleased，partamused，partsympathetic）。Doyoureallywantawife？
BRASSBOUND。Iwantacommander。Don’tundervalueme：IamagoodmanwhenIhaveagoodleader。Ihavecourage：Ihavedetermination：I’mnotadrinker：IcancommandaschoonerandashorepartyifIcan’tcommandashiporanarmy。Whenworkisputuponme，Iturnneithertosavemylifenortofillmypocket。
Gordontrustedme；andheneverregrettedit。Ifyoutrustme，youshan’tregretit。Allthesame，there’ssomethingwantinginme：I
supposeI’mstupid。
LADYCICELY。Oh，you’renotstupid。
BRASSBOUND。YesIam。Sinceyousawmeforthefirsttimeinthatgarden，you’veheardmesaynothingclever。AndI’veheardyousaynothingthatdidn’tmakemelaugh，ormakemefeelfriendly，aswellastellingmewhattothinkandwhattodo。That’swhatI
meanbyrealcleverness。Well，Ihaven’tgotit。IcangiveanorderwhenIknowwhatordertogive。Icanmakemenobeyit，willingorunwilling。ButI’mstupid，Itellyou：stupid。Whenthere’snoGordontocommandme，Ican’tthinkofwhattodo。Lefttomyself，I’vebecomehalfabrigand。IcankickthatlittlegutterscrubDrinkwater；butIfindmyselfdoingwhatheputsintomyheadbecauseIcan’tthinkofanythingelse。Whenyoucame，I
tookyourordersasnaturallyasItookGordon’s，thoughIlittlethoughtmynextcommanderwouldbeawoman。Iwanttotakeserviceunderyou。Andthere’snowayinwhichthatcanbedoneexceptmarryingyou。Willyouletmedoit？
LADYCICELY。I’mafraidyoudon’tquiteknowhowoddamatchitwouldbeformeaccordingtotheideasofEnglishsociety。
BRASSBOUND。IcarenothingaboutEnglishsociety：letitminditsownbusiness。
LADYCICELY（rising，alittlealarmed）。CaptainPaquito：Iamnotinlovewithyou。
BRASSBOUND（alsorising，withhisgazestillsteadfastlyonher）。
Ididn’tsupposeyouwere：thecommanderisnotusuallyinlovewithhissubordinate。
LADYCICELY。Northesubordinatewiththecommander。
BRASSBOUND（assentingfirmly）。Northesubordinatewiththecommander。
LADYCICELY（learningforthefirsttimeinherlifewhatterroris，asshefindsthatheisunconsciouslymesmerizingher）。Oh，youaredangerous!
BRASSBOUND。Come：areyouinlovewithanybodyelse？That’sthequestion。
LADYCICELY（shakingherhead）。Ihaveneverbeeninlovewithanyrealperson；andInevershall。HowcouldImanagepeopleifIhadthatmadlittlebitofselfleftinme？That’smysecret。
BRASSBOUND。Thenthrowawaythelastbitofself。Marryme。
LADYCICELY（vainlystrugglingtorecallherwanderingwill）。MustI？
BRASSBOUND。Thereisnomust。YouCAN。Iaskyouto。Myfatedependsonit。
LADYCICELY。It’sfrightful；forIdon’tmeanto——don’twishto。
BRASSBOUND。Butyouwill。
LADYCICELY（quitelost，slowlystretchesoutherhandtogiveittohim）。I——（GunfirefromtheThanksgiving。Hiseyesdilate。Itwakesherfromhertrance）Whatisthat？
BRASSBOUND。Itisfarewell。Rescueforyou——safety，freedom!YouweremadetobesomethingbetterthanthewifeofBlackPaquito。
（Hekneelsandtakesherhands）Youcandonomoreformenow：I
haveblunderedsomehowonthesecretofcommandatlast（hekissesherhands）：thanksforthat，andforaman’spowerandpurposerestoredandrighted。Andfarewell，farewell，farewell。
LADYCICELY（inastrangeecstasy，holdinghishandsasherises）。
Oh，farewell。Withmyheart’sdeepestfeeling，farewell，farewell。
BRASSBOUND。Withmyheart’snoblesthonorandtriumph，farewell。
（Heturnsandflies。）
LADYCICELY。Howglorious!howglorious!Andwhatanescape!
CURTAIN
NOTESTOCAPTAINBRASSBOUND’SCONVERSION
SOURCESOFTHEPLAY
IclaimasanotablemeritintheauthorshipofthisplaythatI
havebeenintelligentenoughtostealitsscenery，itssurroundings，itsatmosphere，itsgeography，itsknowledgeoftheeast，itsfascinatingCadisandKearneysandSheikhsandmudcastlesfromanexcellentbookofphilosophictravelandvividadventureentitledMogreb—el—Acksa（MoroccotheMostHoly）byCunninghameGraham。MyownfirsthandknowledgeofMoroccoisbasedonamorning’swalkthroughTangier，andacursoryobservationofthecoastthroughabinocularfromthedeckofanOrientsteamer，bothlaterindatethanthewritingoftheplay。
CunninghameGrahamistheheroofhisownbook；butIhavenotmadehimtheheroofmyplay，becausesoincredibleapersonagemusthavedestroyeditslikelihood——suchasitis。TherearemomentswhenIdonotmyselfbelieveinhisexistence。Andyethemustbereal；forIhaveseenhimwiththeseeyes；andIamoneofthefewmenlivingwhocandecipherthecuriousalphabetinwhichhewriteshisprivateletters。Themanisonpublicrecordtoo。
ThebattleofTrafalgarSquare，inwhichhepersonallyandbodilyassailedcivilizationasrepresentedbytheconcentratedmilitaryandconstabularforcesofthecapitaloftheworld，canscarcelybeforgottenbythemorediscreetspectators，ofwhomIwasone。
Onthatoccasioncivilization，qualitativelyhisinferior，wasquantitativelysohugelyinexcessofhimthatitputhiminprison，buthadnotsenseenoughtokeephimthere。YethisgettingoutofprisonwasasnothingcomparedtohisgettingintotheHouseofCommons。HowhediditIknownot；butthethingcertainlyhappened，somehow。Thathemadepregnantutterancesasalegislatormaybetakenasprovedbythekeenphilosophyofthetravelsandtaleshehassincetossedtous；buttheHouse，stronginstupidity，didnotunderstandhimuntilinaninspiredmomenthevoicedauniversalimpulsebybluntlydamningitshypocrisy。Ofalltheeloquenceofthatsillyparliament，thereremainsonlyonesingledamn。IthassurvivedthefrontbenchspeechesoftheeightiesasthewordofCervantessurvivestheoraculationsoftheDonsandDeyswhoputhim，too，inprison。TheshockedHousedemandedthatheshouldwithdrawhiscruelword。\"Ineverwithdraw，\"saidhe；andIpromptlystolethepotentphraseforthesakeofitsperfectstyle，anduseditasacockadefortheBulgarianheroofArmsandtheMan。Thetheftprospered；andI
naturallytakethefirstopportunityofrepeatingit。InwhatotherLepantosbesidesTrafalgarSquareCunninghameGrahamhasfought，Icannottell。Heisafascinatingmysterytoasedentarypersonlikemyself。Thehorse，adangerousanimalwhom，whenI
cannotavoid，Ipropitiatewithapplesandsugar，hebestridesanddominatesfearlessly，yetwithatruerepublicansenseoftherightsofthefourleggedfellowcreaturewhosemartyrdom，andman’sshametherein，hehastoldmostpowerfullyinhisCalvary，atalewithanedgethatwillcutthesoftcruelheartsandstrikefirefromthehardkindones。Hehandlestheotherlethalweaponsasfamiliarlyasthepen：medievalswordandmodernMauseraretohimasumbrellasandkodaksaretome。HistalesofadventurehavethetrueCervantestouchofthemanwhohasbeenthere——sorefreshinglydifferentfromthescenesimaginedbybloody—mindedclerkswhoescapefromtheirservitudeintoliteraturetotellushowmenandcitiesareconceivedinthecountinghouseandthevolunteercorps。Heis，Iunderstand，aSpanishhidalgo：hencethesuperbityofhisportraitbyLavery（Velasquezbeingnolongeravailable）。Heis，Iknow，aScotchlaird。HowhecontrivestobeauthenticallythetwothingsatthesametimeisnomoreintelligibletomethanthefactthateverythingthathaseverhappenedtohimseemstohavehappenedinParaguayorTexasinsteadofinSpainorScotland。Heis，Iregrettoadd，animpenitentandunashameddandy：suchboots，suchahat，wouldhavedazzledD’Orsayhimself。WiththathatheoncesalutedmeinRegentSt。whenIwaswalkingwithmymother。Herinterestwasinstantlykindled；andthefollowingconversationensued。\"Whoisthat？\"\"CunninghameGraham。\"\"Nonsense!CunninghameGrahamisoneofyourSocialists：thatmanisagentleman。\"Thisisthepunishmentofvanity，afaultIhavemyselfalwaysavoided，asI
findconceitlesstroublesomeandmuchlessexpensive。LateronsomebodytoldhimofTarudant，acityinMoroccoinwhichnoChristianhadeversetfoot。Concludingatoncethatitmustbeanexceptionallydesirableplacetolivein，hetookshipandhorse：
changedthehatforaturban；andmadestraightforthesacredcity，viaMogador。Howhefared，andhowhefellintothehandsoftheCadiofKintafi，whorightlyheldthattherewasmoredangertoIslaminoneCunninghameGrahamthaninathousandChristians，maybelearntfromhisaccountofitinMogreb—el—Acksa，withoutwhichCaptainBrassbound’sConversionwouldneverhavebeenwritten。
IamequallyguiltlessofanyexerciseofinventionconcerningthestoryoftheWestIndianestatewhichsoverynearlyservesasapegtohangCaptainBrassbound。ToMr。FrederickJacksonofHindhead，who，againstallhisprinciples，encouragesandabetsmeinmycareerasadramatist，IowemyknowledgeofthosemainfactsofthecasewhichbecamepublicthroughanattempttomaketheHouseofCommonsactonthem。Thisbeingso，ImustaddthatthecharacterofCaptainBrassbound’smother，liketherecoveryoftheestatebythenextheir，isaninterpolationofmyown。Itisnot，however，aninvention。Oneoftheevilsofthepretencethatourinstitutionsrepresentabstractprinciplesofjusticeinsteadofbeingmeresocialscaffoldingisthatpersonsofacertaintemperamenttakethepretenceseriously，andwhenthelawisonthesideofinjustice，willnotacceptthesituation，andaredrivenmadbytheirvainstruggleagainstit。DickenshasdrawnthetypeinhisManfromShropshireinBleakHouse。Mostpublicmenandalllawyershavebeenappealedtobyvictimsofthissenseofinjustice——themostunhelpableofafflictionsinasocietylikeours。
ENGLISHANDAMERICANDIALECTS
ThefactthatEnglishisspeltconventionallyandnotphoneticallymakestheartofrecordingspeechalmostimpossible。Whatismore，itplacesthemoderndramatist，whowritesforAmericaaswellasEngland，inamosttryingposition。TakeforexamplemyAmericancaptainandmyEnglishlady。Ihavespeltthewordconduce，asutteredbytheAmericancaptain，ascawndooce，tosuggest（veryroughly）theAmericanpronunciationtoEnglishreaders。Thenwhynotspellthesameword，whenutteredbyLadyCicely，askerndewce，tosuggesttheEnglishpronunciationtoAmericanreaders？TothisIhaveabsolutelynodefence：IcanonlypleadthatanauthorwholivesinEnglandnecessarilyloseshisconsciousnessofthepeculiaritiesofEnglishspeech，andsharpenshisconsciousnessofthepointsinwhichAmericanspeechdiffersfromit；sothatitismoreconvenienttoleaveEnglishpeculiaritiestoberecordedbyAmericanauthors。Imust，however，mostvehementlydisclaimanyintentionofsuggestingthatEnglishpronunciationisauthoritativeandcorrect。MyowntongueisneitherAmericanEnglishnorEnglishEnglish，butIrishEnglish；
soIamasnearlyimpartialinthematterasitisinhumannaturetobe。Besides，thereisnostandardEnglishpronunciationanymorethanthereisanAmericanone：inEnglandeverycountyhasitscatchwords，justasnodoubteverystateintheUnionhas。I
cannotbelievethatthepioneerAmerican，forexample，cansparetimetolearnthatlastrefinementofmodernspeech，theexquisitediphthong，afarfetchedcombinationoftheFrencheuandtheEnglishe，withwhichaNewYorkerpronouncessuchwordsasworld，bird&c。Ihavespentmonthswithoutsuccessintryingtoachieveglibnesswithit。
ToFelixDrinkwateralsoIowesomeapologyforimplyingthatallhisvowelpronunciationsareunfashionable。Theyareveryfarfrombeingso。Asfarasmysocialexperiencegoes（andIhavekeptverymixedcompany）thereisnoclassinEnglishsocietyinwhichagooddealofDrinkwaterpronunciationdoesnotpassunchallengedsavebytheexpertphonetician。ThisisnomererashandignorantjibeofmyownattheexpenseofmyEnglishneighbors。AcademicauthorityinthematterofEnglishspeechisrepresentedatpresentbyMr。HenrySweet，oftheUniversityofOxford，whoseElementarbuchdesgesprochenenEngliach，translatedintohisnativelanguagefortheuseofBritishislandersasaPrimerofSpokenEnglish，isthemostaccessiblestandardworkonthesubject。Insuchwordsasplum，come，humbug，up，gum，etc。，Mr。
Sweet’sevidenceisconclusive。LadiesandgentlemeninSouthernEnglandpronouncethemasplam，kam，hambag，ap，gan，etc。，exactlyasFelixDrinkwaterdoes。IcouldnotclaimMr。Sweet’sauthorityifIdaredtowhisperthatsuchcosterEnglishastheratherprettydahntahnfordowntown，orthedecidedlyuglycowcowforcocoaiscurrentinverypolitecircles。Theentirenation，costersandall，wouldundoubtedlyrepudiateanysuchpronunciationasvulgar。Allthesame，ifIweretoattempttorepresentcurrent\"smart\"cockneyspeechasIhaveattemptedtorepresentDrinkwater’s，withoutthenicetiesofMr。Sweet’sRomicalphabets，IamafraidIshouldoftenhavetowritedahntahnandcowcowasbeingatleastnearertotheactualsoundthandowntownandcocoa。AndthiswouldgivesuchoffencethatIshouldhavetoleavethecountry；fornothingannoysanativespeakerofEnglishmorethanafaithfulsettingdowninphoneticspellingofthesoundsheutters。HeimaginesthatadeparturefromconventionalspellingindicatesadeparturefromthecorrectstandardEnglishofgoodsociety。Alas!thiscorrectstandardEnglishofgoodsocietyisunknowntophoneticians。Itisonlyoneofthemanyfigmentsthatbewilderourpoorsnobbishbrains。Nosuchthingexists；butwhatdoesthatmattertopeopletrainedfrominfancytomakeapointofhonorofbeliefinabstractionsandincredibilities？AndsoIamcompelledtohideLadyCicely’sspeechundertheveilofconventionalorthography。
IneednotshieldDrinkwater，becausehewillneverreadmybook。
SoIhavetakenthelibertyofmakingaspecialexampleofhim，asfarasthatcanbedonewithoutaphoneticalphabet，forthebenefitofthemassofreadersoutsideLondonwhostillformtheirnotionsofcockneydialectonSamWeller。WhenIcametoLondonin1876，theSamWellerdialecthadpassedawaysocompletelythatI
shouldhavegivenitupasaliteraryfictionifIhadnotdiscovereditsurvivinginaMiddlesexvillage，andheardofitfromanEssexone。SometimeintheeightiesthelateAndrewTuercalledattentioninthePallMallGazettetoseveralpeculiaritiesofmoderncockney，andtotheobsolescenceoftheDickensdialectthatwasstillbeingcopiedfrombooktobookbyauthorswhoneverdreamtofusingtheirears，muchlessoftrainingthemtolisten。
ThencameMr。Anstey’scockneydialoguesinPunch，agreatadvance，andMr。Chevalier’scostersongsandpatter。TheTompkinsversescontributedbyMr。BarryPaintotheLondonDailyChroniclehavealsodonesomethingtobringtheliteraryconventionforcockneyEnglishuptodate。ButTompkinssometimesperpetrateshorriblesolecisms。Hewillpronouncefaceasfits，accuratelyenough；buthewillrhymeitquiteimpossiblytonice，whichTompkinswouldpronounceasnewts：forexampleMawlEnnRowdforMileEndRoad。Thisawfori，whichIhavemadeDrinkwateruse，isthelateststageoftheolddiphthongaloi，whichMr。Chevalierstilluses。Irish，ScotchandnorthcountryreadersmustrememberthatDrinkwater’srsareabsolutelyunpronouncedwhentheyfollowavowel，thoughtheymodifythevowelveryconsiderably。Thus，luggageispronouncedbyhimaslaggige，butturnisnotpronouncedastern，butasteunwiththeeusoundedasinFrench。
TheLondonrseemsthoroughlyunderstoodinAmerica，withtheresult，however，thattheuseoftherbyArtemusWardandotherAmericandialectwriterscausesIrishpeopletomisreadthemgrotesquely。Ioncesawthepronunciationofmalheureuxrepresentedinacockneyhandbookbymal—err—err：notatallabadmakeshifttoinstructaLondoner，butoutofthequestionelsewhereintheBritishIsles。InAmerica，representationsofEnglishspeechdwelltooderisivelyonthedroppedorinterpolatedh。AmericanwritershaveapparentlynotnoticedthefactthatthesouthEnglishhisnotthesameasthenever—droppedIrishandAmericanh，andthattoridiculeanEnglishmanfordroppingitisasabsurdastoridiculethewholeFrenchandItaliannationfordoingthesame。TheAmericanh，helpedoutbyageneralagreementtopronouncewhashw，istempestuouslyaudible，andcannotbedroppedwithoutbeingimmediatelymissed。TheLondonhissocomparativelyquietatalltimes，andsocompletelyinaudibleinwh，thatitprobablyfelloutofusesimplybyescapingtheearsofchildrenlearningtospeak。Howeverthatmaybe，itiskeptaliveonlybytheliterateclasseswhoareremindedconstantlyofitsexistencebyseeingitonpaper。
Roughlyspeaking，IshouldsaythatinEnglandhewhobothersabouthishsisafool，andhewhoridiculesadroppedhasnob。
Astotheinterpolatedh，myexperienceasaLondonvestrymanhasconvincedmethatitisofteneffectiveasameansofemphasis，andthattheLondonlanguagewouldbepoorerwithoutit。Theobjectiontoitisnomorerespectablethantheobjectionofastreetboytoablackmanortoaladyinknickerbockers。
Ihavemadeonlythemostperfunctoryattempttorepresentthedialectofthemissionary。ThereisnoliterarynotationforthegravemusicofgoodScotch。
BLACKDOWN，August1900