BENTLEY。_[almostcryingwithanxiety]_Youbeastlyrotter，I’llgetJoeytogiveyousuchahiding——
TARLETON。Youcantleaveitatthat，youknow。Whatdidyouseemydaughterdoing？
GUNNER。Afterall，whyshouldntshedoit？TheRussianstudentsdoit。Womenshouldbeasfreeasmen。I’mafool。I’msofullofyourbourgeoismoralitythatIletmyselfbeshockedbytheapplicationofmyownrevolutionaryprinciples。Ifshelikesthemanwhyshouldntshetellhimso？
MRSTARLETON。Idowonderatyou，John，lettinghimtalklikethisbeforeeverybody。_[TurningrathertartlytoLina]_Wouldyoumindgoingawaytothedrawing—roomjustforafewminutes，MissChipenoska。Thisisaprivatefamilymatter，ifyoudontmind。
LINA。Ishouldhavegonebefore，MrsTarleton，iftherehadbeenanyonetoprotectMrTarletonandtheyounggentleman。
TARLETON。Yourequiteright，MissLina：youmuststandby。Icouldhavetackledhimthismorning；butsinceyouputmethroughthoseexercisesI’dratherdiethanevenshakehandswithaman，muchlessfighthim。
GUNNER。It’sallofapiecehere。Themeneffeminate，thewomenunsexed——
TARLETON。Dontbeginagain，oldchap。KeepitforTrafalgarSquare。
HYPATIA’SVOICEOUTSIDE。No，no。_[Shebreaksoffinastifledhalflaugh，halfscream，andisseendartingacrossthegardenwithPercivalinhotpursuit。Immediatelyafterwardssheappearsagain，andrunsintothepavilion。Findingitfullofpeople，includingastranger，shestops；butPercival，flushedandreckless，rushesinandseizesherbeforehe，too，realizesthattheyarenotalone。Hereleasesherinconfusion]。_
_Deadsilence。TheyareallafraidtolookatoneanotherexceptMrsTarleton，whostaressternlyatHypatia。Hypatiaisthefirsttorecoverherpresenceofmind。_
HYPATIA。Excusemerushinginlikethis。MrPercivalhasbeenchasingmedownthehill。
GUNNER。Whochasedhimupit？Dontbeashamed。Befearless。Betruthful。
TARLETON。Gunner：willyougotoParisforafortnight？I’llpayyourexpenses。
HYPATIA。Whatdoyoumean？
GUNNER。TherewasasilentwitnessintheTurkishbath。
TARLETON。Ifoundhimhidingthere。Whateverwentonhere，hesawandheard。Thatswhathemeans。
PERCIVAL。_[sternlyapproachingGunner，andspeakingwithdeepbutcontainedindignation]_AmItounderstandyouasdaringtoputforwardthemonstrousandblackguardlyliethatthisladybehavedimproperlyinmypresence？
GUNNER。_[turningwhite]_YouknowwhatIsawandheard。
_Hypatia，withagleamoftriumphinhereyes，slipsnoiselesslyintotheswingchair，andwatchesPercivalandGunner，swingingslightly，butotherwisemotionless。_
PERCIVAL。Ihopeitisnotnecessaryformetoassureyouallthatthereisnotonewordoftruth——notonegrainofsubstance——inthisrascallycalumny，whichnomanwithasparkofdecentfeelingwouldhaveutteredevenifhehadbeenignorantenoughtobelieveit。MissTarleton’sconduct，sinceIhavehadthehonorofknowingher，hasbeen，Ineedhardlysay，ineveryrespectbeyondreproach。_[ToGunner]_Asforyou，sir，youllhavethegoodnesstocomeoutwithmeimmediately。IhavesomebusinesswithyouwhichcantbesettledinMrsTarleton’spresenceorinherhouse。
GUNNER。_[painfullyfrightened]_WhyshouldIgooutwithyou？
PERCIVAL。BecauseIintendthatyoushall。
GUNNER。Iwontbebulliedbyyou。_[Percivalmakesathreateningsteptowardshim]。_Police!_[Hetriestobolt；butPercivalseizeshim]。_Leavemego，willyou？Whatrighthaveyoutolayhandsonme？
TARLETON。Lethimrunforit，MrPercival。Hesverypoorcompany。
Weshallbewellridofhim。Lethimgo。
PERCIVAL。Notuntilhehastakenbackandmadethefullestapologyfortheabominableliehehastold。HeshalldothatorheshalldefendhimselfasbesthecanagainstthemostthoroughthrashingI’mcapableofgivinghim。_[ReleasingGunner，butfacinghimominously]_
Takeyourchoice。Whichisittobe？
GUNNER。Givemeafairchance。Goandstickatadeskfromninetosixforamonth，andletmehaveyourgrubandyoursportandyourlessonsinboxing，andI’llfightyoufastenough。YouknowI’mnogoodoryoudarentbullymelikethis。
PERCIVAL。Youshouldhavethoughtofthatbeforeyouattackedaladywithadastardlyslander。I’mwaitingforyourdecision。I’mratherinahurry，please。
GUNNER。Ineversaidanythingagainstthelady。
MRSTARLETON。|Oh，listentothat!
|
BENTLEY。|Whataliar!
|
HYPATIA。|Oh!
|
TARLETON。|Oh，come!
PERCIVAL。We’llhaveitinwriting，ifyoudontmind。_[Pointingtothewritingtable]_Sitdown；andtakethatpeninyourhand。
_[Gunnerlooksirresolutelyalittlewayround；thenobeys]。_Nowwrite。\"I，\"whateveryournameis——
GUNNER_[afteravainattempt]_Icant。Myhand’sshakingtoomuch。
Youseeit’snouse。I’mdoingmybest。Icant。
PERCIVAL。MrSummerhayswillwriteit：youcansignit。
BENTLEY。_[insolentlytoGunner]_Getup。_[Gunnerobeys；andBentley，shoulderinghimasidetowardsPercival，takeshisplaceandpreparestowrite]。_
PERCIVAL。Whatsyourname？
GUNNER。JohnBrown。
TARLETON。Ohcome!CouldntyoumakeitHoraceSmith？orAlgernonRobinson？
GUNNER。_[agitatedly]_ButmynameisJohnBrown。TherearereallyJohnBrowns。HowcanIhelpitifmyname’sacommonone？
BENTLEY。Shewusaletteraddressedtoyou。
GUNNER。HowcanI？Inevergetanyletters：I’monlyaclerk。I
canshewyouJ。B。onmyhandkerchief。_[Hetakesoutanotverycleanone]。_
BENTLEY。_[withdisgust]_Oh，putitupagain。LetitgoatJohnBrown。
PERCIVAL。Wheredoyoulive？
GUNNER。4ChesterfieldParade，KentishTown，N。W。
PERCIVAL。_[dictating]_I，JohnBrown，of4ChesterfieldParade，KentishTown，doherebyvoluntarilyconfessthatonthe31stMay1909
I——_[ToTarleton]_Whatdidhedoexactly？
TARLETON。_[dictating]_——ItrespassedonthelandofJohnTarletonatHindhead，andeffectedanunlawfulentryintohishouse，whereI
secretedmyselfinaportableTurkishbath——
BENTLEY。Goslow，oldman。Justamoment。\"Turkishbath\"——yes？
TARLETON。_[continuing]_——withapistol，withwhichIthreatenedtotakethelifeofthesaidJohnTarleton——
MRSTARLETON。Oh，John!Youmighthavebeenkilled。
TARLETON。——andwaspreventedfromdoingsoonlybythetimelyarrivalofthecelebratedMissLinaSzczepanowska。
MRSTARLETON。Isshecelebrated？_[Apologetically]_Ineverdreamt——
BENTLEY。Lookhere：I’mawfullysorry；butIcantspellSzczepanowska。
PERCIVAL。Ithinkit’sS，z，c，z——_[Linagiveshimhervisiting—card]。_Thankyou。_[HethrowsitonBentley’sblotter]。_
BENTLEY。Thanksawfully。_[Hewritesthename]。_
TARLETON。_[toPercival]_Nowit’syourturn。
PERCIVAL。_[dictating]_IfurtherconfessthatIwasguiltyofutteringanabominablecalumnyconcerningMissHypatiaTarleton，forwhichtherewasnotashredoffoundation。
_ImpressivesilencewhilstBentleywrites。_
BENTLEY。\"foundation\"？
PERCIVAL。Iapologizemosthumblytotheladyandherfamilyformyconduct——_[hewaitsforBentleytowrite]。_
BENTLEY。\"conduct\"？
PERCIVAL。——andIpromiseMrTarletonnottorepeatit，andtoamendmylife——
BENTLEY。\"amendmylife\"？
PERCIVAL。——andtodowhatinmeliestoproveworthyofhiskindnessingivingmeanotherchance——
BENTLEY。\"anotherchance\"？
PERCIVAL。——andrefrainingfromdeliveringmeuptothepunishmentI
sorichlydeserve。
BENTLEY。\"richlydeserve。\"
PERCIVAL。_[toHypatia]_Doesthatsatisfyyou，MissTarleton？
HYPATIA。Yes：thatwillteachhimtotellliesnexttime。
BENTLEY。_[risingtomakeplaceforGunnerandhandinghimthepen]_
Youmeanitwillteachhimtotellthetruthnexttime。
TARLETON。Ahem!Doyou，Patsy？
PERCIVAL。Begoodenoughtosign。_[Gunnersitsdownhelplesslyanddipsthepenintheink]。_Ihopewhatyouaresigningisnomereformofwordstoyou，andthatyounotonlysayyouaresorry，butthatyouaresorry。
_LordSummerhaysandJohnnycomeinthroughthepaviliondoor。_
MRSTARLETON。Stop。MrPercival：Ithink，onHypatia’saccount，LordSummerhaysoughttobetoldaboutthis。
_LordSummerhays，wonderingwhatthematteris，comesforwardbetweenPercivalandLina。JohnnystopsbesideHypatia。_
PERCIVAL。Certainly。
TARLETON。_[uneasily]_Takemyadvice，andcutitshort。Getridofhim。
MRSTARLETON。Hypatiaoughttohavehercharactercleared。
TARLETON。Youletwellalone，Chickabiddy。Mostofourcharacterswillbearalittlecarefuldusting；buttheywontbearscouring。
Patsyisjollywelloutofit。Whatdoesitmatter，anyhow？
PERCIVAL。MrTarleton：wehavealreadysaideithertoomuchornotenough。LordSummerhays：willyoubekindenoughtowitnessthedeclarationthismanhasjustsigned？
GUNNER。Ihavntyet。AmItosignnow？
PERCIVAL。Ofcourse。_[Gunner，whoisnowincapableofdoinganythingonhisowninitiative，signs]。_Nowstandupandreadyourdeclarationtothisgentleman。_[Gunnermakesavaguemovementandlooksstupidlyround。Percivaladdsperemptorily]_Now，please。
GUNNER_[risingapprehensivelyandreadinginahardlyaudiblevoice，likeaverysickman]_I，JohnBrown，of4ChesterfieldParade，KentishTown，doherebyvoluntarilyconfessthatonthe31stMay1909
ItrespassedonthelandofJohnTarletonatHindhead，andeffectedanunlawfulentryintohishouse，whereIsecretedmyselfinaportableTurkishbath，withapistol，withwhichIthreatenedtotakethelifeofthesaidJohnTarleton，andwaspreventedfromdoingsoonlybythetimelyarrivalofthecelebratedMissLenaSh—Sh—sheepanossika。I
furtherconfessthatIwasguiltyofutteringanabominablecalumnyconcerningMissHypatiaTarleton，forwhichtherewasnotashredoffoundation。Iapologizemosthumblytotheladyandherfamilyformyconduct；andIpromiseMrTarletonnottorepeatit，andtoamendmylife，andtodowhatinmeliestoproveworthyofhiskindnessingivingmeanotherchanceandrefrainingfromdeliveringmeuptothepunishmentIsorichlydeserve。
_Ashortandpainfulsilencefollows。ThenPercivalspeaks。_
PERCIVAL。Doyouconsiderthatsufficient，LordSummerhays？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ohquite，quite。
PERCIVAL。_[toHypatia]_LordSummerhayswouldprobablyliketohearyousaythatyouaresatisfied，MissTarleton。
HYPATIA。_[comingoutoftheswing，andadvancingbetweenPercivalandLordSummerhays]_Imustsaythatyouhavebehavedlikeaperfectgentleman，Mr。Percival。
PERCIVAL。_[firstbowingtoHypatia，andthenturningwithcoldcontempttoGunner，whoisstandinghelpless]_Weneednottroubleyouanyfurther。_[Gunnerturnsvaguelytowardsthepavilion]。_
JOHNNY_[withlessrefinedoffensiveness，pointingtothepavilion]_
Thatsyourway。Thegardenerwillshewyoutheshortestwayintotheroad。Gotheshortestway。
GUNNER。_[oppressedanddisconcerted，hardlyknowshowtogetoutoftheroom]_Yes，sir。I——_[Heturnsagain，appealingtoTarleton]_
MayntIhavemymother’sphotographsbackagain？_[MrsTarletonpricksupherears]。_
TARLETON。Eh？What？Oh，thephotographs!Yes，yes，yes：takethem。_[Gunnertakesthemfromthetable，andiscreepingaway，whenMrsTarletonputsoutherhandandstopshim]。_
MRSTARLETON。Whatsthis，John？Whatwereyoudoingwithhismother’sphotographs？
TARLETON。Nothing，nothing。Nevermind，Chickabiddy：it’sallright。
MRSTARLETON。_[snatchingthephotographsfromGunner’sirresolutefingers，andrecognizingthemataglance]_LucyTitmus!OhJohn，John!
TARLETON。_[grimly，toGunner]_Youngman：youreafool；butyouvejustputthelidonthisjobinamasterlymanner。Iknewyouwould。
Itoldyoualltoletwellalone。Youwouldnt；andnowyoumusttaketheconsequences——orrather_I_musttakethem。
MRSTARLETON。_[toGunner]_AreyouLucy’sson？
GUNNER。Yes。
MRSTARLETON。Andwhydidntyoucometome？Ididntturnmybackonyourmotherwhenshecametomeinhertrouble。Didntyouknowthat？
GUNNER。No。Shenevertalkedtomeaboutanything。
TARLETON。Howcouldshetalktoherownson？Shy，Summerhays，shy。
Parentandchild。Shy。_[Hesitsdownattheendofthewritingtablenearestthesideboardlikeamanresignedtoanythingthatfatemayhaveinstoreforhim]。_
MRSTARLETON。Thenhowdidyoufindout？
GUNNER。Fromherpapersaftershedied。
MRSTARLETON。_[shocked]_IsLucydead？AndIneverknew!_[Withaneffusionoftenderness]_Andyouherebeingtreatedlikethat，poororphan，withnobodytotakeyourpart!Tearupthatfoolishpaper，child；andsitdownandmakefriendswithme。
JOHNNY。|Hallo，motherthisisallverywell，youknow——
|
PERCIVAL。|ButmayIpointout，MrsTarleton，that——
|
BENTLEY。|Doyoumeanthatafterwhathesaidof——
|
HYPATIA。|Oh，lookhere，mamma：thisisreally——
MRSTARLETON。Willyoupleasespeakoneatatime？
_Silence。_
PERCIVAL_[inaverygentlemanlymanner]_Willyouallowmetoremindyou，MrsTarleton，thatthismanhasutteredamostseriousanddisgracefulfalsehoodconcerningMissTarletonandmyself？
MRSTARLETON。Idontbelieveawordofit。IfthepoorladwasthereintheTurkishbath，whohasabetterrighttosaywhatwasgoingonherethanhehas？Yououghttobeashamedofyourself，Patsy；andsooughtyoutoo，MrPercival，forencouragingher。_[Hypatiaretreatstothepavilion，andexchangesgrimaceswithJohnny，shamelesslyenjoyingPercival’ssuddenreverse。Theyknowtheirmother]。_
PERCIVAL。_[gasping]_MrsTarleton：Igiveyoumywordofhonor——
MRSTARLETON。Oh，goalongwithyouandyourwordofhonor。DoyouthinkI’mafool？Iwonderyoucanlooktheladinthefaceafterbullyinghimandmakinghimsignthosewickedlies；andallthetimeyoucarryingonwithmydaughterbeforeyoudbeenhalfanhourinmyhouse。Fie，forshame!
PERCIVAL。LordSummerhays：Iappealtoyou。HaveIdonethecorrectthingornot？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Youvedoneyourbest，MrPercival。Butthecorrectthingdependsforitssuccessoneverybodyplayingthegameverystrictly。Asasingle—handedgame，it’simpossible。
BENTLEY。_[suddenlybreakingoutlamentably]_Joey：haveyoutakenHypatiaawayfromme？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[severely]_Bentley!Bentley!Controlyourself，sir。
TARLETON。Come，MrPercival!theshuttersareuponthegentlemanlybusiness。Trythetruth。
PERCIVAL。Iaminawretchedposition。IfItellthetruthnobodywillbelieveme。
TARLETON。Ohyestheywill。Thetruthmakeseverybodybelieveit。
PERCIVAL。Italsomakeseverybodypretendnottobelieveit。MrsTarleton：yourenotplayingthegame。
MRSTARLETON。Idontthinkyouvebehavedatallnicely，MrPercival。
BENTLEY。Iwouldnthaveplayedyousuchadirtytrick，Joey。
_[Strugglingwithasob]_Youbeast。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Bentley：youmustcontrolyourself。Letmesayatthesametime，MrPercival，thatmysonseemstohavebeenmistakeninregardingyoueitherashisfriendorasagentleman。
PERCIVAL。MissTarleton：I’msufferingthisforyoursake。IaskyoujusttosaythatIamnottoblame。Justthatandnothingmore。
HYPATIA。_[gloatingmischievouslyoverhisdistress]_Youchasedmethroughtheheatherandkissedme。Youshouldnthavedonethatifyouwerenotinearnest。
PERCIVAL。Oh，thisisreallythelimit。_[TurningdesperatelytoGunner]_Sir：Iappealtoyou。Asagentleman!asamanofhonor!
asamanboundtostandbyanotherman!YouwereinthatTurkishbath。Yousawhowitbegan。CouldanymanhavebehavedmorecorrectlythanIdid？Isthereashadowoffoundationfortheaccusationsbroughtagainstme？
GUNNER。_[sorelyperplexed]_Well，whatdoyouwantmetosay？
JOHNNY。Hehassaidwhathehadtosayalready，hasnthe？Readthatpaper。
GUNNER。WhenItellthetruth，youmakemegobackonit。Andnowyouwantmetogobackonmyself!Whatisamantodo？
PERCIVAL。_[patiently]_Pleasetrytogetyourmindclear，MrBrown。
Ipointedouttoyouthatyoucouldnot，asagentleman，disparagealady’scharacter。Youagreewithme，Ihope。
GUNNER。Yes：thatsoundsallright。
PERCIVAL。Butyourealsoboundtotellthetruth。Surelyyoullnotdenythat。
GUNNER。Who’sdenyingit？Isaynothingagainstit。
PERCIVAL。Ofcoursenot。Well，Iaskyoutotellthetruthsimplyandunaffectedly。Didyouwitnessanyimproperconductonmypartwhenyouwereinthebath？
GUNNER。No，sir。
JOHNNY。|Thenwhatdoyoumeanbysayingthat——
|
HYPATIA。|DoyoumeantosaythatI——
|
BENTLEY。|Oh，youarearotter。Youreafraid——
TARLETON。_[rising]_Stop。_[Silence]。_Leaveitatthat。Enoughsaid。Youkeepquiet，Johnny。MrPercival：yourewhitewashed。Soareyou，Patsy。Honorsareeasy。Letsdropthesubject。Thenextthingtodoistoopenasubscriptiontostartthisyoungmanonaranchinsomefarcountrythatsaccustomedtobeinadisturbedstate。
He——
MRSTARLETON。Nowstopjokingthepoorlad，John：Iwonthaveit。
Hasbeenworriedtodeathbetweenyouall。_[ToGunner]_Haveyouhadyourtea？
GUNNER。Tea？No：it’stooearly。I’mallright；onlyIhadnodinner：IdidntthinkI’dwantit。IdidntthinkI’dbealive。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，whatathingtosay!Youmustnttalklikethat。
JOHNNY。Hesoutofhismind。Hethinksit’spastdinner—time。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，youvenosense，Johnny。Hecallshislunchhisdinner，andhashisteaathalf—pastsix。Havntyou，dear？
GUNNER。_[timidly]_Hasnteverybody？
JOHNNY。_[laughing]_Well，byGeorge，thatsnotbad。
MRSTARLETON。Nowdontberude，Johnny：youknowIdontlikeit。
_[ToGunner]_Acupofteawillpickyouup。
GUNNER。I’drathernot。I’mallright。
TARLETON。_[goingtothesideboard]_Here!tryamouthfulofsloegin。
GUNNER。No，thanks。I’mateetotaler。Icanttouchalcoholinanyform。
TARLETON。Nonsense!Thisisntalcohol。Sloegin。Vegetarian，youknow。
GUNNER。_[hesitating]_Isitafruitbeverage？
TARLETON。Ofcourseitis。Fruitbeverage。Hereyouare。_[Hegiveshimaglassofsloegin]。_
GUNNER。_[goingtothesideboard]_Thanks。_[hebeginstodrinkitconfidently；butthefirstmouthfulstartlesandalmostchokeshim]。_
It’sratherhot。
TARLETON。Doyougood。Dontbeafraidofit。
MRSTARLETON。_[goingtohim]_Sipit，dear。Dontbeinahurry。
_Gunnersipsslowly，eachsipmakinghiseyeswater。_
JOHNNY。_[comingforwardintotheplaceleftvacantbyGunner’svisittothesideboard]_Well，nowthatthegentlemanhasbeenattendedto，Ishouldliketoknowwhereweare。Itmaybeavulgarbusinesshabit；butIconfessIliketoknowwhereIam。
TARLETON。Idont。Whereveryouare，yourethereanyhow。Itellyouagain，leaveitatthat。
BENTLEY。Iwanttoknowtoo。Hypatia’sengagedtome。
HYPATIA。Bentley：ifyouinsultmeagain——ifyousayanotherword，I’llleavethehouseandnotenterituntilyouleaveit。
JOHNNY。Putthatinyourpipeandsmokeit，myboy。
BENTLEY。_[inarticulatewithfuryandsuppressedtears]_Oh!
Beasts!Brutes!
MRSTARLETON。Nowdonthurthisfeelings，poorlittlelamb!
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[verysternly]_Bentley：youarenotbehavingwell。Youhadbetterleaveusuntilyouhaverecoveredyourself。
_Bentleygoesoutindisgrace，butgetsnofurtherthanhalfwaytothepaviliondoor，when，withawildsob，hethrowshimselfonthefloorandbeginstoyell。_
MRSTARLETON。|_[runningtohim]_Oh，poorchild，|poorchild!Dontcry，duckie：
|hedidntmeanit：dontcry。
|
LORDSUMMERHAYS|Stopthatinfernalnoise，sir：doyou|hear？Stopitinstantly。
|
JOHNNY。|Thatsthegamehetriedonme。
|Thereyouare!Now，mother!
|Now，Patsy!Youseeforyourselves。
|
HYPATIA。|_[coveringherears]_Ohyoulittle|wretch!Stophim，MrPercival。Kickhim。
|
TARLETON。|Steadyon，steadyon。Easy，Bunny，easy。
LINA。Leavehimtome，MrsTarleton。Standclear，please。
_ShekneelsoppositeBentley；quicklyliftstheupperhalfofhimfromtheground；divesunderhim；riseswithhisbodyhangingacrosshershoulders；andrunsoutwithhim。_
BENTLEY。_[inscared，sobered，humbletonesasheisborneoff]_
Whatareyoudoing？Letmedown。Please，MissSzczepanowska——
_[theypassoutofhearing]。_
_AnawestrucksilencefallsonthecompanyastheyspeculateonBentley’sfate。_
JOHNNY。Iwonderwhatshesgoingtodowithhim。
HYPATIA。Spankhim，Ihope。Spankhimhard。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ihopeso。Ihopeso。Tarleton：I’mbeyondmeasurehumiliatedandannoyedbymyson’sbehaviorinyourhouse。I
hadbettertakehimhome。
TARLETON。Notatall：notatall。Now，Chickabiddy：asMissLinahastakenawayBen，supposeyoutakeawayMrBrownforawhile。
GUNNER。_[withunexpectedaggressiveness]_MynameisntBrown。
_[Theystareathim：hemeetstheirstaredefiantly，pugnaciouswithsloegin；drainsthelastdropfromhisglass；throwsitonthesideboard；andadvancestothewritingtable]。_Myname’sBaker：
JuliusBaker。MisterBaker。Ifanymandoubtsit，I’mreadyforhim。
MRSTARLETON。John：youshouldnthavegivenhimthatsloegin。It’sgonetohishead。
GUNNER。Dontyouthinkit。Fruitbeveragesdontgotothehead；andwhatmatteriftheydid？Isaynothingtoyou，maam：Iregardyouwithrespectandaffection。_[Lachrymosely]_Youwereverygoodtomymother：mypoormother!_[Relapsingintohisdaringmood]_ButI
saymyname’sBaker；andI’mnottobetreatedasachildormadeaslaveofbyanyman。Bakerismyname。DidyouthinkIwasgoingtogiveyoumyrealname？Notlikely。Notme。
TARLETON。SoyouthoughtofJohnBrown。Thatwascleverofyou。
GUNNER。Clever!Yes：we’renotallsuchfoolsasyouthink：weclerks。Itwasthebookkeeperputmeuptothat。It’stheonlynamethatnobodygivesasafalsename，hesaid。Clever，eh？Ishouldthinkso。
MRSTARLETON。Comenow，Julius——
GUNNER。_[reassuringhergravely]_Dontyoubealarmed，maam。I
knowwhatisduetoyouasaladyandtomyselfasagentleman。I
regardyouwithrespectandaffection。Ifyouhadbeenmymother，asyououghttohavebeen，Ishouldhavehadmorechance。Butyoushallhavenocausetobeashamedofme。Thestrengthofachainisnogreaterthanitsweakestlink；butthegreatnessofapoetisthegreatnessofhisgreatestmoment。Shakespearusedtogetdrunk。
FredericktheGreatranawayfromabattle。Butitwaswhattheycouldriseto，notwhattheycouldsinkto，thatmadethemgreat。
Theywerentgoodalways；buttheyweregoodontheirday。Well，onmyday——onmyday，mindyou——I’mgoodforsomethingtoo。IknowthatIvemadeasillyexhibitionofmyselfhere。IknowIdidntrisetotheoccasion。Iknowthatifyoudbeenmymother，youdhavebeenashamedofme。Ilostmypresenceofmind：Iwasacontemptiblecoward。But_[slappinghimselfonthechest]_I’mnotthemanIwasthen。Thisismyday。Iveseenthetenthpossessorofafoolishfacecarriedoutkickingandscreamingbyawoman。_[ToPercival]_Youcrowedprettybigoverme。Youhypnotizedme。Butwhenyouwereputthroughthefireyourself，youwerefoundwanting。ItellyoustraightIdontgiveadamnforyou。
MRSTARLETON。No：thatsnaughty。Youshouldntsaythatbeforeme。
GUNNER。Iwouldcutmytongueoutsoonerthansayanythingvulgarinyourpresence；forIregardyouwithrespectandaffection。Iwasnotswearing。Iwasaffirmingmymanhood。
MRSTARLETON。Whatanidea!Whatputsallthesethingsintoyourhead？
GUNNER。Oh，dontyouthink，becauseI’maclerk，thatI’mnotoneoftheintellectuals。I’mareadingman，athinkingman。Ireadinabook——ahighclasssixshillingbook——thisprecept：Affirmyourmanhood。Itappealedtome。Ivealwaysrememberedit。Ibelieveinit。IfeelImustdoittorecoveryourrespectaftermycowardlybehavior。ThereforeIaffirmitinyourpresence。ItellthatmanwhoinsultedmethatIdontgiveadamnforhim。AndneitherIdo。
TARLETON。Isay，Summerhays：didyouhavechapsofthissortinJinghiskahn？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ohyes：theyexisteverywhere：theyareamostseriousmodernproblem。
GUNNER。Yes。Youreright。_[Conceitedly]_I’maproblem。AndI
tellyouthatwhenweclerksrealizethatwe’reproblems!well，lookout：thatsall。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[suavely，toGunner]_Youreadagreatdeal，yousay？
GUNNER。Ivereadmorethananymaninthisroom，ifthetruthwereknown，Iexpect。ThatswhatsgoingtosmashupyourCapitalism。Theproblemsarebeginningtoread。Ha!We’refreetodothathereinEngland。WhatwouldyoudowithmeinJinghiskahnifyouhadmethere？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Well，sinceyouaskmesodirectly，I’lltellyou。
Ishouldtakeadvantageofthefactthatyouhaveneithersenseenoughnorstrengthenoughtoknowhowtobehaveyourselfinadifficultyofanysort。Ishouldwarnanintelligentandambitiouspolicemanthatyouareatroublesomeperson。Theintelligentandambitiouspolicemanwouldtakeanearlyopportunityofupsettingyourtemperbyorderingyoutomoveon，andtreadingonyourheelsuntilyouwereprovokedintoobstructinganofficerinthedischargeofhisduty。Anytrifleofthatsortwouldbesufficienttomakeamanlikeyouloseyourself—possessionandputyourselfinthewrong。Youwouldthenbechargedandimprisoneduntilthingsquieteddown。
GUNNER。Andyoucallthatjustice!
LORDSUMMERHAYS。No。Justicewasnotmybusiness。Ihadtogovernaprovince；andItookthenecessarystepstomaintainorderinit。Menarenotgovernedbyjustice，butbylaworpersuasion。Whentheyrefusetobegovernedbylaworpersuasion，theyhavetobegovernedbyforceorfraud，orboth。Iusedbothwhenlawandpersuasionfailedme。Everyrulerofmensincetheworldbeganhasdoneso，evenwhenhehashatedbothfraudandforceasheartilyasIdo。Itisaswellthatyoushouldknowthis，myyoungfriend；sothatyoumayrecognizeintimethatanarchismisagameatwhichthepolicecanbeatyou。Whathaveyoutosaytothat？
GUNNER。WhathaveItosaytoit!Well，Icallitscandalous：thatswhatIhavetosaytoit。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Precisely：thatsallanybodyhastosaytoit，excepttheBritishpublic，whichpretendsnottobelieveit。Andnowletmeaskyouasympatheticpersonalquestion。Havntyouaheadache？
GUNNER。Well，sinceyouaskme，Ihave。Iveoverexcitedmyself。
MRSTARLETON。Poorlad!Nowonder，afterallyouvegonethrough!
Youwanttoeatalittleandtoliedown。Youcomewithme。Iwantyoutotellmeaboutyourpoordearmotherandaboutyourself。Comealongwithme。_[Sheleadsthewaytotheinnerdoor]。_
GUNNER。_[followingherobediently]_Thankyoukindly，madam。_[Shegoesout。Beforepassingoutafterher，hepartlyclosesthedoorandstopsanthelandingforamomenttosay]_Mind：I’mnotknucklingdowntoanymanhere。IknuckledowntoMrsTarletonbecauseshesawomaninathousand。Iaffirmmymanhoodallthesame。Understand：
Idontgiveadamnforthelotofyou。_[Hehurriesout，ratherafraidoftheconsequencesofthisdefiance，whichhasprovokedJohnnytoanimpatientmovementtowardshim]。_
HYPATIA。Thankgoodnesshesgone!Oh，whatabore!WHATabore!!!
Talk，talk，talk!
TARLETON。Patsy：it’snogood。We’regoingtotalk。Andwe’regoingtotalkaboutyou。
JOHNNY。It’snouseshirkingit，Pat。We’dbetterknowwhereweare。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Come，MissTarleton。Wontyousitdown？I’mverytiredofstanding。_[Hypatiacomesfromthepavilionandtakesachairattheworktable。LordSummerhaystakestheoppositechair，anherright。PercivaltakesthechairJohnnyplacedforLinaonherarrival。Tarletonsitsdownattheendofthewritingtable。Johnnyremainsstanding。LordSummerhayscontinues，withasighofreliefatbeingseated。]_Weshallnowgetthechangeofsubjectweareallpiningfor。
JOHNNY。_[puzzled]_Whatsthat？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thegreatquestion。Thequestionthatmenandwomenwillspendhoursoverwithoutcomplaining。Thequestionthatoccupiesallthenovelreadersandalltheplaygoers。Thequestiontheynevergettiredof。
JOHNNY。Butwhatquestion？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thequestionwhichparticularyoungmansomeyoungwomanwillmatewith。
PERCIVAL。Asifitmattered!
HYPATIA。_[sharply]_Whatsthatyousaid？
PERCIVAL。Isaid：Asifitmattered。
HYPATIA。Icallthatungentlemanly。
PERCIVAL。Doyoucareaboutthat？youwhoaresomagnificentlyunladylike!
JOHNNY。Lookhere，MrPercival：yourenotsupposedtoinsultmysister。
HYPATIA。Oh，shutup，Johnny。Icantakecareofmyself。Dontyouinterfere。
JOHNNY。Oh，verywell。Ifyouchoosetogiveyourselfawaylikethat——toallowamantocallyouunladylikeandthentobeunladylike，Ivenothingmoretosay。
HYPATIA。IthinkMrPercivalismostungentlemanly；butIwontbeprotected。I’llnothavemyaffairsinterferedwithbymenonpretenceofprotectingme。I’mnotyourbaby。IfIinterferedbetweenyouandawoman，youwouldsoontellmetomindmyownbusiness。
TARLETON。Children：dontsquabble。ReadDrWatts。Behaveyourselves。
JOHNNY。Ivenothingmoretosay；andasIdontseemtobewantedhere，Ishalltakemyselfoff。_[Hegoesoutwithaffectedcalmthroughthepavilion]。_
TARLETON。Summerhays：afamilyisanawfulthing，animpossiblething。Catanddog。Patsy：I’mashamedofvou。
HYPATIA。I’llmakeitupwithJohnnyafterwards；butIreallycanthavehimherestickinghisclumsyhoofintomyaffairs。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thequestionis，MrPercival，areyoureallyagentleman，orareyounot？
PERCIVAL。WasNapoleonreallyagentlemanorwashenot？Hemadetheladygetoutofthewayoftheporterandsaid，\"Respecttheburden，madam。\"Thatwasbehavinglikeaveryfinegentleman；buthekickedVolneyforsayingthatwhatFrancewantedwastheBourbonsbackagain。
Thatwasbehavingratherlikeanavvy。NowI，likeNapoleon，amnotallonepiece。Onoccasion，asyouhaveallseen，Icanbehavelikeagentleman。Onoccasion，IcanbehavewithabrutalsimplicitywhichMissTarletonherselfcouldhardlysurpass。
TARLETON。Gentlemanornogentleman，Patsy：whatareyourintentions？
HYPATIA。Myintentions!Surelyit’sthegentlemanwhoshouldbeaskedhisintentions。
TARLETON。Comenow，Patsy!noneofthatnonsense。HasMrPercivalsaidanythingtoyouthatIoughttoknoworthatBentleyoughttoknow？HaveyousaidanythingtoMrPercival？
HYPATIA。MrPercivalchasedmethroughtheheatherandkissedme。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Asagentleman，MrPercival，whatdoyousaytothat？
PERCIVAL。Asagentleman，Idonotkissandtell。Asamereman：amerecad，ifyoulike，IsaythatIdidsoatMissTarleton’sownsuggestion。
HYPATIA。Beast!
PERCIVAL。IdontdenythatIenjoyedit。ButIdidnotinitiateit。
AndIbeganbyrunningaway。
TARLETON。SoPatsycanrunfasterthanyou，canshe？
PERCIVAL。Yes，whensheisinpursuitofme。Sherunsfasterandfaster。Irunslowerandslower。Andthesewoodsofyoursarefullofmagic。Therewasaconfoundedfernowl。Didyoueverhearthechurrofafernowl？Didyoueverhearitcreateasuddensilencebyceasing？Didyoueverhearitcallitsmatebystrikingitswingstogethertwiceandwhistlingthatsinglenotethatnonightingalecanimitate？ThatiswhathappenedinthewoodswhenIwasrunningaway。
SoIturned；andthepursuerbecamethepursued。
HYPATIA。Ihadtofightlikeawildcat。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Pleasedonttellusthis。It’snotfitforoldpeopletohear。
TARLETON。Come：howdiditend？
HYPATIA。It’snotendedyet。
TARLETON。Howisitgoingtoend？
HYPATIA。Askhim。
TARLETON。Howisitgoingtoend，MrPercival？
PERCIVAL。Icantaffordtomarry，MrTarleton。Iveonlyathousandayearuntilmyfatherdies。Twopeoplecantpossiblyliveonthat。
TARLETON。Oh，cantthey？When_I_married，Ishouldhavebeenjollygladtohavefeltsureofthequarterofit。
PERCIVAL。Nodoubt；butIamnotacheapperson，MrTarleton。Iwasbroughtupinahouseholdwhichcostatleastsevenoreighttimesthat；andIaminconstantmoneydifficultiesbecauseIsimplydontknowhowtoliveonthethousandayearscale。Astoaskawomantosharemydegradingpoverty，it’soutofthequestion。Besides，I’mratheryoungtomarry。I’monly28。
HYPATIA。Papa：buythebruteforme。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[shrinking]_MydearMissTarleton：dontbesonaughty。Iknowhowdelightfulitistoshockanoldman；butthereisapointatwhichitbecomesbarbarous。Dont。Pleasedont。
HYPATIA。ShallItellPapaaboutyou？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Tarleton：IhadbettertellyouthatIonceaskedyourdaughtertobecomemywidow。
TARLETON。_[toHypatia]_Whydidntyouaccepthim，youyoungidiot？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Iwastooold。
TARLETON。Allthishasbeengoingonundermynose，Isuppose。Yourunafteryoungmen；andoldmenrunafteryou。AndI’mthelastpersonintheworldtohearofit。
HYPATIA。HowcouldItellyou？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Parentsandchildren，Tarleton。
TARLETON。Oh，thegulfthatliesbetweenthem!theimpassable，eternalgulf!AndsoI’mtobuythebruteforyou，eh？
HYPATIA。Ifyouplease，papa。
TARLETON。Whatstheprice，MrPercival？
PERCIVAL。Wemightdowithanotherfifteenhundredifmyfatherwouldcontribute。ButIshouldlikemore。
TARLETON。It’spurelyaquestionofmoneywithyou，isit？
PERCIVAL。_[afteramoment’sconsideration]_Practicallyyes：itturnsonthat。
TARLETON。IthoughtyoumighthavesomesortofpreferenceforPatsy，youknow。
PERCIVAL。Well，butdoesthatmatter，doyouthink？Patsyfascinatesme，nodoubt。IapparentlyfascinatePatsy。But，believeme，allthatisnotworthconsidering。Oneofmythreefathers（thepriest）
hasmarriedhundredsofcouples：couplesselectedbyoneanother，couplesselectedbytheparents，couplesforcedtomarryoneanotherbycircumstancesofonekindoranother；andheassuresmethatifmarriagesweremadebyputtingallthemen’snamesintoonesackandthewomen’snamesintoanother，andhavingthemtakenoutbyablindfoldedchildlikelotterynumbers，therewouldbejustashighapercentageofhappymarriagesaswehavehereinEngland。HesaidCupidwasnothingbuttheblindfoldedchild：prettyideathat，I
think!IshallhaveasgoodachancewithPatsyaswithanyoneelse。
Mind：I’mnotbigotedaboutit。I’mnotadoctrinaire：nottheslaveofatheory。YouandLordSummerhaysareexperiencedmarriedmen。Ifyoucantellmeofanytrustworthymethodofselectingawife，Ishallbehappytomakeuseofit。Iawaityoursuggestions。
_[HelookswithpoliteattentiontoLordSummerhays，who，havingnothingtosay，avoidshiseye。HelookstoTarleton，whopurseshislipsglumlyandrattleshismoneyinhispocketswithoutaword]。_
Apparentlyneitherofyouhasanythingtosuggest。ThenPatsywilldoaswellasanother，providedthemoneyisforthcoming。
HYPATIA。Oh，youbeauty，youbeauty!
TARLETON。WhenImarriedPatsy’smother，Iwasinlovewithher。
PERCIVAL。Forthefirsttime？
TARLETON。Yes：forthefirsttime。
PERCIVAL。Forthelasttime？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[revolted]_Sir：youareinthepresenceofhisdaughter。
HYPATIA。Oh，dontmindme。Idontcare。I’maccustomedtoPapa’sadventures。
TARLETON。_[blushingpainfully]_Patsy，mychild：thatwasnot——notdelicate。
HYPATIA。Well，papa，youvenevershewnanydelicacyintalkingtomeaboutmyconduct；andIreallydontseewhyIshouldnttalktoyouaboutyours。It’ssuchnonsense!Doyouthinkyoungpeopledontknow？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。I’msuretheydontfeel。Tarleton：thisistoohorrible，toobrutal。Ifneitheroftheseyoungpeoplehaveany——any——any——
PERCIVAL。Shallwesaypaternalsentimentality？I’mextremelysorrytoshockyou；butyoumustrememberthatIvebeeneducatedtodiscusshumanaffairswiththreefatherssimultaneously。I’manadultperson。
Patsyisanadultperson。Youdonotinspiremewithveneration。
ApparentlyyoudonotinspirePatsywithveneration。Thatmaysurpriseyou。Itmaypainyou。I’msorry。Itcantbehelped。Whataboutthemoney？
TARLETON。Youdontinspiremewithgenerosity，youngman。
HYPATIA。_[laughingwithgenuineamusement]_Hehadyouthere，Joey。
TARLETON。Ihavntbeenabadfathertoyou，Patsy。
HYPATIA。Idontsayyouhave，dear。IfonlyIcouldpersuadeyouIvegrownup，weshouldgetalongperfectly。
TARLETON。DoyourememberBillBurt？
HYPATIA。Why？
TARLETON。_[totheothers]_BillBurtwasalaborerhere。Iwasgoingtosackhimforkickinghisfather。Hesaidhisfatherhadkickedhimuntilhewasbigenoughtokickback。Patsybeggedhimoff。Iaskedthatmanwhatitfeltlikethefirsttimehekickedhisfather，andfoundthatitwasjustlikekickinganyotherman。Helaughedandsaidthatitwastheoldmanthatknewwhatitfeltlike。
Thinkofthat，Summerhays!thinkofthat!
HYPATIA。Ihavntkickedyou，papa。
TARLETON。YouvekickedmeharderthanBillBurteverkicked。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。It’snouse，Tarleton。Spareyourself。Doyouseriouslyexpecttheseyoungpeople，attheirage，tosympathizewithwhatthisgentlemancallsyourpaternalsentimentality？
TARLETON。_[wistfully]_Isitnothingtoyoubutpaternalsentimentality，Patsy？
HYPATIA。Well，Igreatlypreferyoursuperabundantvitality，papa。
TARLETON。_[violently]_Holdyourtongue，youyoungdevil。Theyoungareallalike：hard，coarse，shallow，cruel，selfish，dirty—minded。Youcanclearoutofmyhouseassoonasyoucancoaxhimtotakeyou；andthesoonerthebetter。_[ToPercival]_Ithinkyousaidyourpricewasfifteenhundredayear。Takeit。AndIwishyoujoyofyourbargain。
PERCIVAL。IfyouwishtoknowwhoIam——
TARLETON。Idontcareatinker’scursewhoyouareorwhatyouare。
Yourewillingtotakethatgirloffmyhandsforfifteenhundredayear：thatsallthatconcernsme。Tellherwhoyouareifyoulike：
it’sheraffair，notmine。
HYPATIA。Dontanswerhim，Joey：itwontlast。LordSummerhays，I’msorryaboutBentley；butJoey’stheonlymanforme。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Itmay——
HYPATIA。Pleasedontsayitmaybreakyourpoorboy’sheart。It’smuchmorelikelytobreakyours。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Oh!
TARLETON。_[springingtohisfeet]_Leavetheroom。Doyouhear：
leavetheroom。
PERCIVAL。Arntwegettingalittlecross？Dontbeangry，MrTarleton。ReadMarcusAurelius。
TARLETON。Dontyoudaremakefunofme。Takeyouraeroplaneoutofmyvineryandyourselfoutofmyhouse。
PERCIVAL。_[rising，toHypatia]_I’mafraidIshallhavetodineattheBeacon，Patsy。
HYPATIA。_[rising]_Do。Idinewithyou。
TARLETON。Didyouhearmetellyoutoleavetheroom？
HYPATIA。Idid。_[ToPercival]_Youseewhatlivingwithone’sparentsmeans，Joey。Itmeanslivinginahousewhereyoucanbeorderedtoleavetheroom。Ivegottoobey：it’shishouse，notmine。
TARLETON。Whopaysforit？GoandsupportyourselfasIdidifyouwanttobeindependent。
HYPATIA。Iwantedtoandyouwouldntletme。HowcanIsupportmyselfwhenI’maprisoner？
TARLETON。Holdyourtongue。
HYPATIA。Keepyourtemper。
PERCIVAL。_[comingbetweenthem]_LordSummerhays：youlljoinme，I’msure，inpointingouttobothfatheranddaughterthattheyhavenowreachedthatverycommonstageinfamilylifeatwhichanythingbutablowwouldbeananti—climax。DoyouseriouslywanttobeatPatsy，MrTarleton？
TARLETON。Yes。Iwanttothrashthelifeoutofher。Ifshedoesntgetoutofmyreach，I’lldoit。_[Hesitsdownandgraspsthewritingtabletorestrainhimself]。_
HYPATIA。_[coollygoingtohimandleaningwithherbreastonhiswrithingshoulders]_Oh，ifyouwanttobeatmejusttorelieveyourfeelings——justreallyandtrulyforthefunofitandthesatisfactionofit，beataway。Idontgrudgeyouthat。
TARLETON。_[almostinhysterics]_Iusedtothinkthatthissortofthingwentoninotherfamiliesbutthatitnevercouldhappeninours。Andnow——_[Heisbrokenwithemotion，andcontinueslamentably]_Icantsaytherightthing。Icantdotherightthing。
Idontknowwhatistherightthing。I’mbeaten；andsheknowsit。
Summerhays：tellmewhattodo。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。WhenmycouncilinJinghiskahnreachedthepointofcomingtoblows，Iusedtoadjournthesitting。Letuspostponethediscussion。WaituntilMonday：weshallhaveSundaytoquietdownin。Believeme，I’mnotmakingfunofyou；butIthinktheressomethinginthisyounggentleman’sadvice。Readsomething。
TARLETON。I’llreadKingLear。
HYPATIA。Dont。I’mverysorry，dear。
TARLETON。Yourenot。Yourelaughingatme。Servemeright!Parentsandchildren!Nomanshouldknowhisownchild。Nochildshouldknowitsownfather。Letthefamilyberootedoutofcivilization!Letthehumanracebebroughtupininstitutions!
HYPATIA。Ohyes。Howjolly!YouandImightbefriendsthen；andJoeycouldstaytodinner。
TARLETON。Lethimstaytodinner。Lethimstaytobreakfast。Lethimspendhislifehere。DontyousayIdrovehimout。DontyousayIdroveyouout。
PERCIVAL。Ireallyhavenorighttoinflictmyselfonyou。DroppinginasIdid——
TARLETON。Outofthesky。Ha!Droppingin。Thenewsportofaviation。Youjustseeanicehouse；dropin；scoopuptheman’sdaughter；andoffwithyouagain。
_Bentleycomesback，withhisshouldershangingasifhetoohadbeenexercisedtothelastpitchoffatigue。Heisverysad。TheystareathimashegropestoPercival’schair。_
BENTLEY。I’msorryformakingafoolofmyself。Ibegyourpardon。
Hypatia：I’mawfullysorry；butIvemadeupmymindthatI’llnevermarry。_[Hesitsdownindeepdepression]。_
HYPATIA。_[runningtohim]_Howniceofyou，Bentley!OfcourseyouguessedIwantedtomarryJoey。WhatdidthePolishladydotoyou？
BENTLEY。_[turninghisheadaway]_I’drathernotspeakofher，ifyoudontmind。
HYPATIA。Youvefalleninlovewithher。_[Shelaughs]。_
BENTLEY。It’sbeastlyofyoutolaugh。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Yourenotthefirsttofalltodayunderthelashofthatyounglady’sterriblederision，Bentley。
_Lina，hercapon，andhergogglesinherhand，comesimpetuouslythroughtheinnerdoor。_
LINA。_[onthesteps]_MrPercival：canwegetthataeroplanestartedagain？_[Shecomesdownandrunstothepaviliondoor]。_I
mustgetoutofthisintotheair：rightupintotheblue。
PERCIVAL。Impossible。Theframe’stwisted。Thepetrolhasgivenout：thatswhatbroughtusdown。Andhowcanwegetaclearruntostartwithamongthesewoods？
LINA。_[swoopingbackthroughthemiddleofthepavilion]_Wecanstraightentheframe。WecanbuypetrolattheBeacon。WithafewlaborerswecangetheroutontothePortsmouthRoadandstartheralongthat。
TARLETON。_[rising]_Butwhydoyouwanttoleaveus，MissSzcz？
LINA。Oldpal：thisisastuffyhouse。Youseemtothinkofnothingbutmakinglove。Alltheconversationhereisaboutlove—making。Allthepicturesareaboutlove—making。Theeyesofallofyouaresheep’seyes。Youaresteepedinit，soakedinit：theverytextsonthewallsofyourbedroomsaretheonesaboutlove。Itisdisgusting。
Itisnothealthy。Yourwomenarekeptidleanddressedupfornootherpurposethantobemadeloveto。Ihavenotbeenhereanhour；
andalreadyeverybodymakeslovetomeasifbecauseIamawomanitweremyprofessiontobemadeloveto。Firstyou，oldpal。Iforgaveyoubecauseyouwereniceaboutyourwife。
HYPATIA。Oh!oh!oh!Oh，papa!
LINA。Thenyou，LordSummerhays，cometome；andallyouhavetosayistoaskmenottomentionthatyoumadelovetomeinViennatwoyearsago。IforgaveyoubecauseIthoughtyouwereanambassador；
andallambassadorsmakeloveandareveryniceandusefultopeoplewhotravel。Thenthisyounggentleman。Heisengagedtothisyounglady；butnomatterforthat：hemakeslovetomebecauseIcarryhimoffinmyarmswhenhecries。AlltheseIboreinsilence。ButnowcomesyourJohnnyandtellsmeI’marippingfinewoman，andasksmetomarryhim。I，LinaSzczepanowska，MARRYhim!!!!!Idonotmindthisboy：heisachild：helovesme：Ishouldhavetogivehimmoneyandtakecareofhim：thatwouldbefoolish，buthonorable。I
donotmindyou，oldpal：youarewhatyoucallanold——ouf!butyoudonotoffertobuyme：yousayuntilwearetired——untilyouaresohappythatyoudarenotaskformore。Thatisfoolishtoo，atyourage；butitisanadventure：itisnotdishonorable。IdonotmindLordSummerhays：itwasinVienna：theyhadbeentoastinghimatagreatbanquet：hewasnotsober。Thatisbadforthehealth；butitisnotdishonorable。ButyourJohnny!Oh，yourJohnny!withhismarriage。Hewilldothestraightthingbyme。Hewillgivemeahome，aposition。HetellsmeImustknowthatmypresentpositionisnotoneforanicewoman。Thistome，LinaSzczepanowska!Iamanhonestwoman：Iearnmyliving。Iamafreewoman：Iliveinmyownhouse。Iamawomanoftheworld：Ihavethousandsoffriends：
everynightcrowdsofpeopleapplaudme，delightinme，buymypicture，payhard—earnedmoneytoseeme。Iamstrong：Iamskilful：
Iambrave：Iamindependent：Iamunbought：Iamallthatawomanoughttobe；andinmyfamilytherehasnotbeenasingledrunkardforfourgenerations。AndthisEnglishman!thislinendraper!hedarestoaskmetocomeandlivewithhiminthisrrrrrrrabbithutch，andtakemybreadfromhishand，andaskhimforpocketmoney，andwearsoftclothes，andbehiswoman!hiswife!Soonerthanthat，Iwouldstooptothelowestdepthsofmyprofession。Iwouldstufflionswithfoodandpretendtotamethem。Iwoulddeceivehonestpeople’seyeswithconjuringtricksinsteadofrealfeatsofstrengthandskill。Iwouldbeaclownandsetbadexamplesofconducttolittlechildren。I
wouldsinkyetlowerandbeanactressoranoperasinger，imperillingmysoulbythewickedlieofpretendingtobesomebodyelse。AllthisIwoulddosoonerthantakemybreadfromthehandofamanandmakehimthemasterofmybodyandsoul。AndsoyoumaytellyourJohnnytobuyanEnglishwoman：heshallnotbuyLinaSzczepanowska；andI
willnotstayinthehousewheresuchdishonorisofferedme。Adieu。
_[Sheturnsprecipitatelytogo，butisfacedinthepaviliondoorwaybyJohnny，whocomesinslowly，hishandsinhispockets，meditatingdeeply]。_
JOHNNY。_[confidentiallytoLina]_Youwontmentionourlittleconversation，MissShepanoska。It’lldonogood；andI’dratheryoudidnt。
TARLETON。Wevejustheardaboutit，Johnny。
JOHNNY。_[shortly，butwithoutill—temper]_Oh：isthatso？
HYPATIA。Thecat’soutofthebag，Johnny，abouteverybody。Theywereallbeforehandwithyou：papa，LordSummerhays，Bentleyandall。
Dontyouletthemlaughatyou。
JOHNNY。_[agrinslowlyoverspreadinghiscountenance]_Well，theresnousemypretendingtobesurprisedatyou，Governor，isthere？I
hopeyougotitashotasIdid。Mind，MissShepanoska：itwasntlostonme。I’mathinkingman。Ikeptmytemper。Youlladmitthat。
LINA。_{frankly]_Ohyes。Idonotquarrel。Youarewhatiscalledachump；butyouarenotabadsortofchump。
JOHNNY。Thankyou。Well，ifachumpmayhaveanopinion，Ishouldputitatthis。Youmake，Isuppose，tenpoundsanightoffyourownbat，MissLina？
LINA。_[scornfully]_Tenpoundsanight!Ihavemadetenpoundsaminute。
JOHNNY。_[withincreasedrespect]_Haveyouindeed？Ididntknow：
youllexcusemymistake，Ihope。Buttheprincipleisthesame。NowItrustyouwontbeoffendedatwhatI’mgoingtosay；butIvethoughtaboutthisandwatcheditindailyexperience；andyoumaytakeitfrommethatthemomentawomanbecomespecuniarilyindependent，shegetsholdofthewrongendofthestickinmoralquestions。
LINA。Indeed!Andwhatdoyouconcludefromthat，MisterJohnny？
JOHNNY。Well，obviously，thatindependenceforwomeniswrongandshouldntbeallowed。Fortheirowngood，youknow。Andforthegoodofmoralityingeneral。Youagreewithme，LordSummerhays，dontyou？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。It’saverymoralmoral，ifImaysoexpressmyself。
_MrsTarletoncomesinsoftlythroughtheinnerdoor。_
MRSTARLETON。Dontmaketoomuchnoise。Thelad’sasleep。
TARLETON。Chickabiddy：wehavesomenewsforyou。
JOHNNY。_[apprehensively]_Nowtheresnoneed，youknow，Governor，toworrymotherwitheverythingthatpasses。
MRSTARLETON。_[comingtoTarleton]_Whatsbeengoingon？Dontyouholdanythingbackfromme，John。Whathaveyoubeendoing？
TARLETON。BentleyisntgoingtomarryPatsy。
MRSTARLETON。Ofcoursenot。Isthatyourgreatnews？Ineverbelievedshe’dmarryhim。
TARLETON。Theressomethingelse。MrPercivalhere——
MRSTARLETON。_[toPercival]_AreyougoingtomarryPatsy？
PERCIVAL_[diplomatically]_Patsyisgoingtomarryme，withyourpermission。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，shehasmypermission：sheoughttohavebeenmarriedlongago。
HYPATIA。Mother!
TARLETON。MissLinahere，thoughshehasbeensoshortatimewithus，hasinspiredagooddealofattachmentin——Imaysayinalmostallofus。ThereforeIhopeshe’llstaytodinner，andnotinsistonflyingawayinthataeroplane。
PERCIVAL。Youmuststay，MissSzczepanowska。Icantgoupagainthisevening。
LINA。Iveseenyouworkit。DoyouthinkIrequireanyhelp？AndBentleyshallcomewithmeasapassenger。
BENTLEY。_[terrified]_Goupinanaeroplane!Idarent。
LINA。Youmustlearntodare。
BENTLEY。_[palebutheroic]_Allright。I’llcome。
LORDSUMMERHAYS|No，no，Bentley，impossible。I
|shallnotallowit。
|
MRSTARLETON。|Doyouwanttokillthechild？Heshantgo。
BENTLEY。Iwill。I’llliedownandyelluntilyouletmego。I’mnotacoward。Iwontbeacoward。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。MissSzczepanowska：mysonisverydeartome。I
imploreyoutowaituntiltomorrowmorning。
LINA。Theremaybeastormtomorrow。AndI’llgo：stormornostorm。Imustriskmylifetomorrow。
BENTLEY。Ihopetherewillbeastorm。
LINA。_[graspinghisarm]_Youaretrembling。
BENTLEY。Yes：it’sterror，sheerterror。Icanhardlysee。Icanhardlystand。ButI’llgowithyou。
LINA。_[slappinghimonthebackandknockingaghastlywhitesmileintohisface]_Youshall。Ilikeyou，myboy。Wegotomorrow，together。
BENTLEY。Yes：together：tomorrow。
TARLETON。Well，sufficientuntothedayistheevilthereof。Readtheoldbook。
MRSTARLETON。Isthereanythingelse？
TARLETON。Well，I——er_[headdressesLina，andstops]。_I——er_[headdressesLordSummerhays，andstops]。_I——er_[hegivesitup]。_
Well，Isuppose——er——Isupposetheresnothingmoretobesaid。
HYPATIA。_[fervently]_Thankgoodness!