Contents：
I。PUBLICLIFEOFMR。TULRUMBLE—ONCEMAYOROFMUDFOG
II。FULLREPORTOFTHEFIRSTMEETINGOFTHEMUDFOGASSOCIATION
FORTHEADVANCEMENTOFEVERYTHING
III。FULLREPORTOFTHESECONDMEETINGOFTHEMUDFOGASSOCIATION
FORTHEADVANCEMENTOFEVERYTHING
IV。THEPANTOMIMEOFLIFE
V。SOMEPARTICULARSCONCERNINGALION
VI。MR。ROBERTBOLTON：THE’GENTLEMANCONNECTEDWITHTHEPRESS’
VII。FAMILIAREPISTLEFROMAPARENTTOACHILD
VIII。AGEDTWOYEARSANDTWOMONTHS
PUBLICLIFEOFMR。TULRUMBLE—ONCEMAYOROFMUDFOG
Mudfogisapleasanttown—aremarkablypleasanttown—situatedinacharminghollowbythesideofariver，fromwhichriver，Mudfogderivesanagreeablescentofpitch，tar，coals，andrope—
yarn，arovingpopulationinoilskinhats，aprettysteadyinfluxofdrunkenbargemen，andagreatmanyothermaritimeadvantages。
ThereisagooddealofwateraboutMudfog，andyetitisnotexactlythesortoftownforawatering—place，either。Waterisaperversesortofelementatthebestoftimes，andinMudfogitisparticularlyso。Inwinter，itcomesoozingdownthestreetsandtumblingoverthefields，—nay，rushesintotheverycellarsandkitchensofthehouses，withalavishprodigalitythatmightwellbedispensedwith；butinthehotsummerweatheritWILLdryup，andturngreen：and，althoughgreenisaverygoodcolourinitsway，especiallyingrass，stillitcertainlyisnotbecomingtowater；anditcannotbedeniedthatthebeautyofMudfogisratherimpaired，evenbythistriflingcircumstance。Mudfogisahealthyplace—veryhealthy；—damp，perhaps，butnonetheworseforthat。
It’squiteamistaketosupposethatdampisunwholesome：plantsthrivebestindampsituations，andwhyshouldn’tmen？TheinhabitantsofMudfogareunanimousinassertingthatthereexistsnotafinerraceofpeopleonthefaceoftheearth；herewehaveanindisputableandveraciouscontradictionofthevulgarerroratonce。So，admittingMudfogtobedamp，wedistinctlystatethatitissalubrious。
ThetownofMudfogisextremelypicturesque。LimehouseandRatcliffHighwayarebothsomethinglikeit，buttheygiveyouaveryfaintideaofMudfog。Thereareagreatmanymorepublic—
housesinMudfog—morethaninRatcliffHighwayandLimehouseputtogether。Thepublicbuildings，too，areveryimposing。Weconsiderthetown—halloneofthefinestspecimensofshedarchitecture，extant：itisacombinationofthepig—styandtea—
garden—boxorders；andthesimplicityofitsdesignisofsurpassingbeauty。Theideaofplacingalargewindowononesideofthedoor，andasmalloneontheother，isparticularlyhappy。
ThereisafineoldDoricbeauty，too，aboutthepadlockandscraper，whichisstrictlyinkeepingwiththegeneraleffect。
InthisroomdothemayorandcorporationofMudfogassembletogetherinsolemncouncilforthepublicweal。Seatedonthemassivewoodenbenches，which，withthetableinthecentre，formtheonlyfurnitureofthewhitewashedapartment，thesagemenofMudfogspendhourafterhouringravedeliberation。Heretheysettleatwhathourofthenightthepublic—housesshallbeclosed，atwhathourofthemorningtheyshallbepermittedtoopen，howsoonitshallbelawfulforpeopletoeattheirdinneronchurch—
days，andothergreatpoliticalquestions；andsometimes，longaftersilencehasfallenonthetown，andthedistantlightsfromtheshopsandhouseshaveceasedtotwinkle，likefar—offstars，tothesightoftheboatmenontheriver，theilluminationinthetwounequal—sizedwindowsofthetown—hall，warnstheinhabitantsofMudfogthatitslittlebodyoflegislators，likealargerandbetter—knownbodyofthesamegenus，agreatdealmorenoisy，andnotawhitmoreprofound，arepatrioticallydozingawayincompany，farintothenight，fortheircountry’sgood。
Amongthisknotofsageandlearnedmen，noonewassoeminentlydistinguished，duringmanyyears，forthequietmodestyofhisappearanceanddemeanour，asNicholasTulrumble，thewell—knowncoal—dealer。Howeverexcitingthesubjectofdiscussion，howeveranimatedthetoneofthedebate，orhoweverwarmthepersonalitiesexchanged，（andeveninMudfogwegetpersonalsometimes，）NicholasTulrumblewasalwaysthesame。Tosaytruth，Nicholas，beinganindustriousman，andalwaysupbetimes，wasapttofallasleepwhenadebatebegan，andtoremainasleeptillitwasover，whenhewouldwakeupverymuchrefreshed，andgivehisvotewiththegreatestcomplacency。Thefactwas，thatNicholasTulrumble，knowingthateverybodytherehadmadeuphismindbeforehand，consideredthetalkingasjustalongbotherationaboutnothingatall；andtothepresenthouritremainsaquestion，whether，onthispointatallevents，NicholasTulrumblewasnotprettynearright。
Time，whichstrewsaman’sheadwithsilver，sometimesfillshispocketswithgold。AshegraduallyperformedonegoodofficeforNicholasTulrumble，hewasobligingenough，nottoomittheother。
Nicholasbeganlifeinawoodentenementoffourfeetsquare，withacapitaloftwoandninepence，andastockintradeofthreebushelsanda—halfofcoals，exclusiveofthelargelumpwhichhung，bywayofsign—board，outside。Thenheenlargedtheshed，andkeptatruck；thenhelefttheshed，andthetrucktoo，andstartedadonkeyandaMrs。Tulrumble；thenhemovedagainandsetupacart；thecartwassoonafterwardsexchangedforawaggon；andsohewentonlikehisgreatpredecessorWhittington—onlywithoutacatforapartner—increasinginwealthandfame，untilatlasthegaveupbusinessaltogether，andretiredwithMrs。TulrumbleandfamilytoMudfogHall，whichhehadhimselferected，onsomethingwhichheattemptedtodeludehimselfintothebeliefwasahill，aboutaquarterofamiledistantfromthetownofMudfog。
Aboutthistime，itbegantobemurmuredinMudfogthatNicholasTulrumblewasgrowingvainandhaughty；thatprosperityandsuccesshadcorruptedthesimplicityofhismanners，andtaintedthenaturalgoodnessofhisheart；inshort，thathewassettingupforapubliccharacter，andagreatgentleman，andaffectedtolookdownuponhisoldcompanionswithcompassionandcontempt。Whetherthesereportswereatthetimewell—founded，ornot，certainitisthatMrs。Tulrumbleveryshortlyafterwardsstartedafour—wheelchaise，drivenbyatallpostilioninayellowcap，—thatMr。
Tulrumblejuniortooktosmokingcigars，andcallingthefootmana’feller，’—andthatMr。Tulrumblefromthattimeforth，wasnomoreseeninhisoldseatinthechimney—corneroftheLighterman’sArmsatnight。Thislookedbad；but，morethanthis，itbegantobeobservedthatMr。NicholasTulrumbleattendedthecorporationmeetingsmorefrequentlythanheretofore；andhenolongerwenttosleepashehaddoneforsomanyyears，butproppedhiseyelidsopenwithhistwoforefingers；thathereadthenewspapersbyhimselfathome；andthathewasinthehabitofindulgingabroadindistantandmysteriousallusionsto’massesofpeople，’and’thepropertyofthecountry，’and’productivepower，’and’themoniedinterest：’allofwhichdenotedandprovedthatNicholasTulrumblewaseithermad，orworse；anditpuzzledthegoodpeopleofMudfogamazingly。
Atlength，aboutthemiddleofthemonthofOctober，Mr。TulrumbleandfamilywentuptoLondon；themiddleofOctoberbeing，asMrs。
TulrumbleinformedheracquaintanceinMudfog，theveryheightofthefashionableseason。
Somehoworother，justaboutthistime，despitethehealth—
preservingairofMudfog，theMayordied。Itwasamostextraordinarycircumstance；hehadlivedinMudfogforeighty—fiveyears。Thecorporationdidn’tunderstanditatall；indeeditwaswithgreatdifficultythatoneoldgentleman，whowasagreatsticklerforforms，wasdissuadedfromproposingavoteofcensureonsuchunaccountableconduct。Strangeasitwas，however，diehedid，withouttakingtheslightestnoticeofthecorporation；andthecorporationwereimperativelycalledupontoelecthissuccessor。So，theymetforthepurpose；andbeingveryfullofNicholasTulrumblejustthen，andNicholasTulrumblebeingaveryimportantman，theyelectedhim，andwroteofftoLondonbytheverynextposttoacquaintNicholasTulrumblewithhisnewelevation。
Now，itbeingNovembertime，andMr。NicholasTulrumblebeinginthecapital，itfelloutthathewaspresentattheLordMayor’sshowanddinner，atsightofthegloryandsplendourwhereof，he，Mr。Tulrumble，wasgreatlymortified，inasmuchasthereflectionwouldforceitselfonhismind，that，hadhebeenborninLondoninsteadofinMudfog，hemighthavebeenaLordMayortoo，andhavepatronizedthejudges，andbeenaffabletotheLordChancellor，andfriendlywiththePremier，andcoldlycondescendingtotheSecretarytotheTreasury，andhavedinedwithaflagbehindhisback，anddoneagreatmanyotheractsanddeedswhichuntoLordMayorsofLondonpeculiarlyappertain。ThemorehethoughtoftheLordMayor，themoreenviableapersonageheseemed。TobeaKingwasallverywell；butwhatwastheKingtotheLordMayor!WhentheKingmadeaspeech，everybodyknewitwassomebodyelse’swriting；whereasherewastheLordMayor，talkingawayforhalfanhour—alloutofhisownhead—amidsttheenthusiasticapplauseofthewholecompany，whileitwasnotoriousthattheKingmighttalktohisparliamenttillhewasblackinthefacewithoutgettingsomuchasasinglecheer。AsallthesereflectionspassedthroughthemindofMr。NicholasTulrumble，theLordMayorofLondonappearedtohimthegreatestsovereignonthefaceoftheearth，beatingtheEmperorofRussiaalltonothing，andleavingtheGreatMogulimmeasurablybehind。
Mr。NicholasTulrumblewasponderingoverthesethings，andinwardlycursingthefatewhichhadpitchedhiscoal—shedinMudfog，whentheletterofthecorporationwasputintohishand。
Acrimsonflushmantledoverhisfaceashereadit，forvisionsofbrightnesswerealreadydancingbeforehisimagination。
’Mydear，’saidMr。Tulrumbletohiswife，’theyhaveelectedme，MayorofMudfog。’
’Lor—a—mussy!’saidMrs。Tulrumble：’whywhat’sbecomeofoldSniggs？’
’ThelateMr。Sniggs，Mrs。Tulrumble，’saidMr。Tulrumblesharply，forhebynomeansapprovedofthenotionofunceremoniouslydesignatingagentlemanwhofilledthehighofficeofMayor，as’OldSniggs，’—’ThelateMr。Sniggs，Mrs。Tulrumble，isdead。’
Thecommunicationwasveryunexpected；butMrs。Tulrumbleonlyejaculated’Lor—a—mussy!’onceagain，asifaMayorwereamereordinaryChristian，atwhichMr。Tulrumblefrownedgloomily。
’Whatapity’tan’tinLondon，ain’tit？’saidMrs。Tulrumble，afterashortpause；’whatapity’tan’tinLondon，whereyoumighthavehadashow。’
’IMIGHThaveashowinMudfog，ifIthoughtproper，Iapprehend，’
saidMr。Tulrumblemysteriously。
’Lor!soyoumight，Ideclare，’repliedMrs。Tulrumble。
’Andagoodonetoo，’saidMr。Tulrumble。
’Delightful!’exclaimedMrs。Tulrumble。
’Onewhichwouldratherastonishtheignorantpeopledownthere，’
saidMr。Tulrumble。
’Itwouldkillthemwithenvy，’saidMrs。Tulrumble。
SoitwasagreedthathisMajesty’sliegesinMudfogshouldbeastonishedwithsplendour，andslaughteredwithenvy，andthatsuchashowshouldtakeplaceashadneverbeenseeninthattown，orinanyothertownbefore，—no，noteveninLondonitself。
Ontheverynextdayafterthereceiptoftheletter，downcamethetallpostilioninapost—chaise，—notupononeofthehorses，butinside—actuallyinsidethechaise，—and，drivinguptotheverydoorofthetown—hall，wherethecorporationwereassembled，deliveredaletter，writtenbytheLordknowswho，andsignedbyNicholasTulrumble，inwhichNicholassaid，allthroughfoursidesofclosely—written，gilt—edged，hot—pressed，Bathpostletterpaper，thatherespondedtothecallofhisfellow—townsmenwithfeelingsofheartfeltdelight；thatheacceptedthearduousofficewhichtheirconfidencehadimposeduponhim；thattheywouldneverfindhimshrinkingfromthedischargeofhisduty；thathewouldendeavourtoexecutehisfunctionswithallthatdignitywhichtheirmagnitudeandimportancedemanded；andagreatdealmoretothesameeffect。Buteventhiswasnotall。Thetallpostilionproducedfromhisright—handtop—boot，adampcopyofthatafternoon’snumberofthecountypaper；andthere，inlargetype，runningthewholelengthoftheveryfirstcolumn，wasalongaddressfromNicholasTulrumbletotheinhabitantsofMudfog，inwhichhesaidthathecheerfullycompliedwiththeirrequisition，and，inshort，asiftopreventanymistakeaboutthematter，toldthemoveragainwhatagrandfellowhemeanttobe，inverymuchthesametermsasthoseinwhichhehadalreadytoldthemallaboutthematterinhisletter。
Thecorporationstaredatoneanotherveryhardatallthis，andthenlookedasifforexplanationtothetallpostilion，butasthe***Quicktidiedandspell—checkedtohere—page501***
tallpostilionwasintentlycontemplatingthegoldtasselonthetopofhisyellowcap，andcouldhaveaffordednoexplanationwhatever，evenifhisthoughtshadbeenentirelydisengaged，theycontentedthemselveswithcoughingverydubiously，andlookingverygrave。Thetallpostilionthendeliveredanotherletter，inwhichNicholasTulrumbleinformedthecorporation，thatheintendedrepairingtothetown—hall，ingrandstateandgorgeousprocession，ontheMondayafternoonnextensuing。Atthisthecorporationlookedstillmoresolemn；but，astheepistlewoundupwithaformalinvitationtothewholebodytodinewiththeMayoronthatday，atMudfogHall，MudfogHill，Mudfog，theybegantoseethefunofthethingdirectly，andsentbacktheircompliments，andthey’dbesuretocome。
NowtherehappenedtobeinMudfog，assomehoworothertheredoeshappentobe，inalmosteverytownintheBritishdominions，andperhapsinforeigndominionstoo—wethinkitverylikely，but，beingnogreattraveller，cannotdistinctlysay—therehappenedtobe，inMudfog，amerry—tempered，pleasant—faced，good—for—nothingsortofvagabond，withaninvincibledisliketomanuallabour，andanunconquerableattachmenttostrongbeerandspirits，whomeverybodyknew，andnobody，excepthiswife，tookthetroubletoquarrelwith，whoinheritedfromhisancestorstheappellationofEdwardTwigger，andrejoicedintheSOBRIQUETofBottle—nosedNed。
Hewasdrunkupontheaverageonceaday，andpenitentuponanequallyfaircalculationonceamonth；andwhenhewaspenitent，hewasinvariablyintheverylaststageofmaudlinintoxication。Hewasaragged，roving，roaringkindoffellow，withaburlyform，asharpwit，andareadyhead，andcouldturnhishandtoanythingwhenhechosetodoit。Hewasbynomeansopposedtohardlabouronprinciple，forhewouldworkawayatacricket—matchbythedaytogether，—running，andcatching，andbatting，andbowling，andrevellingintoilwhichwouldexhaustagalley—slave。Hewouldhavebeeninvaluabletoafire—office；neverwasamanwithsuchanaturaltasteforpumpingengines，runningupladders，andthrowingfurnitureoutoftwo—pair—of—stairs’windows：norwasthistheonlyelementinwhichhewasathome；hewasahumanesocietyinhimself，aportabledrag，ananimatedlife—preserver，andhadsavedmorepeople，inhistime，fromdrowning，thanthePlymouthlife—
boat，orCaptainManby’sapparatus。Withallthesequalifications，notwithstandinghisdissipation，Bottle—nosedNedwasageneralfavourite；andtheauthoritiesofMudfog，rememberinghisnumerousservicestothepopulation，allowedhiminreturntogetdrunkinhisownway，withoutthefearofstocks，fine，orimprisonment。Hehadagenerallicence，andheshowedhissenseofthecomplimentbymakingthemostofit。
WehavebeenthusparticularindescribingthecharacterandavocationsofBottle—nosedNed，becauseitenablesustointroduceafactpolitely，withouthaulingitintothereader’spresencewithindecenthastebytheheadandshoulders，andbringsusverynaturallytorelate，thatontheverysameeveningonwhichMr。
NicholasTulrumbleandfamilyreturnedtoMudfog，Mr。Tulrumble’snewsecretary，justimportedfromLondon，withapalefaceandlightwhiskers，thrusthisheaddowntotheverybottomofhisneckcloth—tie，inatthetap—roomdooroftheLighterman’sArms，andinquiringwhetheroneNedTwiggerwasluxuriatingwithin，announcedhimselfasthebearerofamessagefromNicholasTulrumble，Esquire，requiringMr。Twigger’simmediateattendanceatthehall，onprivateandparticularbusiness。ItbeingbynomeansMr。Twigger’sinteresttoaffronttheMayor，herosefromthefireplacewithaslightsigh，andfollowedthelight—whiskeredsecretarythroughthedirtandwetofMudfogstreets，uptoMudfogHall，withoutfurtherado。
Mr。NicholasTulrumblewasseatedinasmallcavernwithaskylight，whichhecalledhislibrary，sketchingoutaplanoftheprocessiononalargesheetofpaper；andintothecavernthesecretaryusheredNedTwigger。
’Well，Twigger!’saidNicholasTulrumble，condescendingly。
TherewasatimewhenTwiggerwouldhavereplied，’Well，Nick!’butthatwasinthedaysofthetruck，andacoupleofyearsbeforethedonkey；so，heonlybowed。
’Iwantyoutogointotraining，Twigger，’saidMr。Tulrumble。
’Whatfor，sir？’inquiredNed，withastare。
’Hush，hush，Twigger!’saidtheMayor。’Shutthedoor，Mr。
Jennings。Lookhere，Twigger。’
AstheMayorsaidthis，heunlockedahighcloset，anddisclosedacompletesuitofbrassarmour，ofgiganticdimensions。
’IwantyoutowearthisnextMonday，Twigger，’saidtheMayor。
’Blessyourheartandsoul，sir!’repliedNed，’youmightaswellaskmetowearaseventy—fourpounder，oracast—ironboiler。’
’Nonsense，Twigger，nonsense!’saidtheMayor。
’Icouldn’tstandunderit，sir，’saidTwigger；’itwouldmakemashedpotatoesofme，ifIattemptedit。’
’Pooh，pooh，Twigger!’returnedtheMayor。’ItellyouIhaveseenitdonewithmyowneyes，inLondon，andthemanwasn’thalfsuchamanasyouare，either。’
’Ishouldassoonhavethoughtofaman’swearingthecaseofaneight—dayclocktosavehislinen，’saidTwigger，castingalookofapprehensionatthebrasssuit。
’It’stheeasiestthingintheworld，’rejoinedtheMayor。
’It’snothing，’saidMr。Jennings。
’Whenyou’reusedtoit，’addedNed。
’Youdoitbydegrees，’saidtheMayor。’Youwouldbeginwithonepieceto—morrow，andtwothenextday，andsoon，tillyouhadgotitallon。Mr。Jennings，giveTwiggeraglassofrum。Justtrythebreast—plate，Twigger。Stay；takeanotherglassofrumfirst。
Helpmetoliftit，Mr。Jennings。Standfirm，Twigger!There!—
itisn’thalfasheavyasitlooks，isit？’
Twiggerwasagoodstrong，stoutfellow；so，afteragreatdealofstaggering，hemanagedtokeephimselfup，underthebreastplate，andevencontrived，withtheaidofanotherglassofrum，towalkaboutinit，andthegauntletsintothebargain。Hemadeatrialofthehelmet，butwasnotequallysuccessful，inasmuchashetippedoverinstantly，—anaccidentwhichMr。Tulrumbleclearlydemonstratedtobeoccasionedbyhisnothavingacounteractingweightofbrassonhislegs。
’Now，wearthatwithgraceandproprietyonMondaynext，’saidTulrumble，’andI’llmakeyourfortune。’
’I’lltrywhatIcando，sir，’saidTwigger。
’Itmustbekeptaprofoundsecret，’saidTulrumble。
’Ofcourse，sir，’repliedTwigger。
’Andyoumustbesober，’saidTulrumble；’perfectlysober。’Mr。
Twiggeratoncesolemnlypledgedhimselftobeassoberasajudge，andNicholasTulrumblewassatisfied，although，hadwebeenNicholas，weshouldcertainlyhaveexactedsomepromiseofamorespecificnature；inasmuchas，havingattendedtheMudfogassizesintheeveningmorethanonce，wecansolemnlytestifytohavingseenjudgeswithverystrongsymptomsofdinnerundertheirwigs。
However，that’sneitherherenorthere。
Thenextday，andthedayfollowing，andthedayafterthat，NedTwiggerwassecurelylockedupinthesmallcavernwiththesky—
light，hardatworkatthearmour。Witheveryadditionalpiecehecouldmanagetostanduprightin，hehadanadditionalglassofrum；andatlast，aftermanypartialsuffocations，hecontrivedtogetonthewholesuit，andtostaggerupanddowntheroominit，likeanintoxicatedeffigyfromWestminsterAbbey。
NeverwasmansodelightedasNicholasTulrumble；neverwaswomansocharmedasNicholasTulrumble’swife。HerewasasightforthecommonpeopleofMudfog!Alivemaninbrassarmour!Why，theywouldgowildwithwonder!
Theday—THEMonday—arrived。
Ifthemorninghadbeenmadetoorder，itcouldn’thavebeenbetteradaptedtothepurpose。TheynevershowedabetterfoginLondononLordMayor’sday，thanenwrappedthetownofMudfogonthateventfuloccasion。Ithadrisenslowlyandsurelyfromthegreenandstagnantwaterwiththefirstlightofmorning，untilitreachedalittleabovethelamp—posttops；andthereithadstopped，withasleepy，sluggishobstinacy，whichbadedefiancetothesun，whohadgotupveryblood—shotabouttheeyes，asifhehadbeenatadrinking—partyover—night，andwasdoinghisday’sworkwiththeworstpossiblegrace。Thethickdampmisthungoverthetownlikeahugegauzecurtain。Allwasdimanddismal。Thechurchsteepleshadbiddenatemporaryadieutotheworldbelow；
andeveryobjectoflesserimportance—houses，barns，hedges，trees，andbarges—hadalltakentheveil。
Thechurch—clockstruckone。AcrackedtrumpetfromthefrontgardenofMudfogHallproducedafeebleflourish，asifsomeasthmaticpersonhadcoughedintoitaccidentally；thegateflewopen，andoutcameagentleman，onamoist—sugarcolouredcharger，intendedtorepresentaherald，butbearingamuchstrongerresemblancetoacourt—cardonhorseback。ThiswasoneoftheCircuspeople，whoalwayscamedowntoMudfogatthattimeoftheyear，andwhohadbeenengagedbyNicholasTulrumbleexpresslyfortheoccasion。Therewasthehorse，whiskinghistailabout，balancinghimselfonhishind—legs，andflourishingawaywithhisfore—feet，inamannerwhichwouldhavegonetotheheartsandsoulsofanyreasonablecrowd。ButaMudfogcrowdneverwasareasonableone，andinallprobabilityneverwillbe。Insteadofscatteringtheveryfogwiththeirshouts，astheyoughtmostindubitablytohavedone，andwerefullyintendedtodo，byNicholasTulrumble，theynosoonerrecognizedtheherald，thantheybegantogrowlforththemostunqualifieddisapprobationatthebarenotionofhisridinglikeanyotherman。Ifhehadcomeoutonhisheadindeed，orjumpingthroughahoop，orflyingthroughared—hotdrum，orevenstandingononelegwithhisotherfootinhismouth，theymighthavehadsomethingtosaytohim；butforaprofessionalgentlemantositastrideinthesaddle，withhisfeetinthestirrups，wasrathertoogoodajoke。So，theheraldwasadecidedfailure，andthecrowdhootedwithgreatenergy，asheprancedingloriouslyaway。
Ontheprocessioncame。Weareafraidtosayhowmanysupernumerariestherewere，instripedshirtsandblackvelvetcaps，toimitatetheLondonwatermen，orhowmanybaseimitationsofrunning—footmen，orhowmanybanners，which，owingtotheheavinessoftheatmosphere，couldbynomeansbeprevailedontodisplaytheirinscriptions：stilllessdowefeeldisposedtorelatehowthemenwhoplayedthewindinstruments，lookingupintothesky（wemeanthefog）withmusicalfervour，walkedthroughpoolsofwaterandhillocksofmud，tilltheycoveredthepowderedheadsoftherunning—footmenaforesaidwithsplashes，thatlookedcurious，butnotornamental；orhowthebarrel—organperformerputonthewrongstop，andplayedonetunewhilethebandplayedanother；orhowthehorses，beingusedtothearena，andnottothestreets，wouldstandstillanddance，insteadofgoingonandprancing；—allofwhicharematterswhichmightbedilatedupontogreatadvantage，butwhichwehavenottheleastintentionofdilatingupon，notwithstanding。
Oh!itwasagrandandbeautifulsighttobeholdacorporationinglasscoaches，providedatthesolecostandchargeofNicholasTulrumble，comingrollingalong，likeafuneraloutofmourning，andtowatchtheattemptsthecorporationmadetolookgreatandsolemn，whenNicholasTulrumblehimself，inthefour—wheelchaise，withthetallpostilion，rolledoutafterthem，withMr。Jenningsononesidetolooklikeachaplain，andasupernumeraryontheother，withanoldlife—guardsman’ssabre，toimitatethesword—
bearer；andtoseethetearsrollingdownthefacesofthemobastheyscreamedwithmerriment。Thiswasbeautiful!andsowastheappearanceofMrs。Tulrumbleandson，astheybowedwithgravedignityoutoftheircoach—windowtoallthedirtyfacesthatwerelaughingaroundthem：butitisnotevenwiththisthatwehavetodo，butwiththesuddenstoppingoftheprocessionatanotherblastofthetrumpet，whereat，andwhereupon，aprofoundsilenceensued，andalleyeswereturnedtowardsMudfogHall，intheconfidentanticipationofsomenewwonder。
’Theywon’tlaughnow，Mr。Jennings，’saidNicholasTulrumble。
’Ithinknot，sir，’saidMr。Jennings。
’Seehoweagertheylook，’saidNicholasTulrumble。’Aha!thelaughwillbeonoursidenow；eh，Mr。Jennings？’
’Nodoubtofthat，sir，’repliedMr。Jennings；andNicholasTulrumble，inastateofpleasurableexcitement，stoodupinthefour—wheelchaise，andtelegraphedgratificationtotheMayoressbehind。
Whileallthiswasgoingforward，NedTwiggerhaddescendedintothekitchenofMudfogHallforthepurposeofindulgingtheservantswithaprivateviewofthecuriositythatwastoburstuponthetown；and，somehoworother，thefootmanwassocompanionable，andthehousemaidsokind，andthecooksofriendly，thathecouldnotresisttheofferofthefirst—mentionedtositdownandtakesomething—justtodrinksuccesstomasterin。
So，downNedTwiggersathimselfinhisbrassliveryonthetopofthekitchen—table；andinamugofsomethingstrong，paidforbytheunconsciousNicholasTulrumble，andprovidedbythecompanionablefootman，dranksuccesstotheMayorandhisprocession；and，asNedlaidbyhishelmettoimbibethesomethingstrong，thecompanionablefootmanputitonhisownhead，totheimmeasurableandunrecordabledelightofthecookandhousemaid。
ThecompanionablefootmanwasveryfacetioustoNed，andNedwasverygallanttothecookandhousemaidbyturns。Theywereallverycosyandcomfortable；andthesomethingstrongwentbrisklyround。
AtlastNedTwiggerwasloudlycalledfor，bytheprocessionpeople：and，havinghadhishelmetfixedon，inaverycomplicatedmanner，bythecompanionablefootman，andthekindhousemaid，andthefriendlycook，hewalkedgravelyforth，andappearedbeforethemultitude。
Thecrowdroared—itwasnotwithwonder，itwasnotwithsurprise；itwasmostdecidedlyandunquestionablywithlaughter。
’What!’saidMr。Tulrumble，startingupinthefour—wheelchaise。
’Laughing？Iftheylaughatamaninrealbrassarmour，they’dlaughwhentheirownfathersweredying。Whydoesn’thegointohisplace，Mr。Jennings？What’sherollingdowntowardsusfor？hehasnobusinesshere!’
’Iamafraid，sir—’falteredMr。Jennings。
’Afraidofwhat，sir？’saidNicholasTulrumble，lookingupintothesecretary’sface。
’Iamafraidhe’sdrunk，sir，’repliedMr。Jennings。
NicholasTulrumbletookonelookattheextraordinaryfigurethatwasbearingdownuponthem；andthen，claspinghissecretarybythearm，utteredanaudiblegroaninanguishofspirit。
ItisamelancholyfactthatMr。Twiggerhavingfulllicencetodemandasingleglassofrumontheputtingonofeverypieceofthearmour，got，bysomemeansorother，ratheroutofhiscalculationinthehurryandconfusionofpreparation，anddrankaboutfourglassestoapieceinsteadofone，nottomentionthesomethingstrongwhichwentonthetopofit。Whetherthebrassarmourcheckedthenaturalflowofperspiration，andthuspreventedthespiritfromevaporating，wearenotscientificenoughtoknow；
but，whateverthecausewas，Mr。TwiggernosoonerfoundhimselfoutsidethegateofMudfogHall，thanhealsofoundhimselfinaveryconsiderablestateofintoxication；andhencehisextraordinarystyleofprogressing。Thiswasbadenough，but，asiffateandfortunehadconspiredagainstNicholasTulrumble，Mr。
Twigger，nothavingbeenpenitentforagoodcalendarmonth，tookitintohisheadtobemostespeciallyandparticularlysentimental，justwhenhisrepentancecouldhavebeenmostconvenientlydispensedwith。Immensetearswererollingdownhischeeks，andhewasvainlyendeavouringtoconcealhisgriefbyapplyingtohiseyesabluecottonpocket—handkerchiefwithwhitespots，—anarticlenotstrictlyinkeepingwithasuitofarmoursomethreehundredyearsold，orthereabouts。
’Twigger，youvillain!’saidNicholasTulrumble，quiteforgettinghisdignity，’goback。’
’Never，’saidNed。’I’mamiserablewretch。I’llneverleaveyou。’
Theby—standersofcoursereceivedthisdeclarationwithacclamationsof’That’sright，Ned；don’t!’
’Idon’tintendit，’saidNed，withalltheobstinacyofaverytipsyman。’I’mveryunhappy。I’mthewretchedfatherofanunfortunatefamily；butIamveryfaithful，sir。I’llneverleaveyou。’Havingreiteratedthisobligingpromise，NedproceededinbrokenwordstoharanguethecrowduponthenumberofyearshehadlivedinMudfog，theexcessiverespectabilityofhischaracter，andothertopicsofthelikenature。
’Here!willanybodyleadhimaway？’saidNicholas：’ifthey’llcallonmeafterwards，I’llrewardthemwell。’
Twoorthreemensteppedforward，withtheviewofbearingNedoff，whenthesecretaryinterposed。
’Takecare!takecare!’saidMr。Jennings。’Ibegyourpardon，sir；butthey’dbetternotgotoonearhim，because，ifhefallsover，he’llcertainlycrushsomebody。’
Atthishintthecrowdretiredonallsidestoaveryrespectfuldistance，andleftNed，liketheDukeofDevonshire，inalittlecircleofhisown。
’But，Mr。Jennings，’saidNicholasTulrumble，’he’llbesuffocated。’
’I’mverysorryforit，sir，’repliedMr。Jennings；’butnobodycangetthatarmouroff，withouthisownassistance。I’mquitecertainofitfromthewayheputiton。’
HereNedweptdolefully，andshookhishelmetedhead，inamannerthatmighthavetouchedaheartofstone；butthecrowdhadnotheartsofstone，andtheylaughedheartily。
’Dearme，Mr。Jennings，’saidNicholas，turningpaleatthepossibilityofNed’sbeingsmotheredinhisantiquecostume—’Dearme，Mr。Jennings，cannothingbedonewithhim？’
’Nothingatall，’repliedNed，’nothingatall。Gentlemen，I’manunhappywretch。I’mabody，gentlemen，inabrasscoffin。’Atthispoeticalideaofhisownconjuringup，Nedcriedsomuchthatthepeoplebegantogetsympathetic，andtoaskwhatNicholasTulrumblemeantbyputtingamanintosuchamachineasthat；andoneindividualinahairywaistcoatlikethetopofatrunk，whohadpreviouslyexpressedhisopinionthatifNedhadn’tbeenapoorman，Nicholaswouldn’thavedareddoit，hintedattheproprietyofbreakingthefour—wheelchaise，orNicholas’shead，orboth，whichlastcompoundpropositionthecrowdseemedtoconsideraverygoodnotion。
Itwasnotactedupon，however，forithadhardlybeenbroached，whenNedTwigger’swifemadeherappearanceabruptlyinthelittlecirclebeforenoticed，andNednosoonercaughtaglimpseofherfaceandform，thanfromthemereforceofhabithesetofftowardshishomejustasfastashislegscouldcarryhim；andthatwasnotveryquickinthepresentinstanceeither，for，howeverreadytheymighthavebeentocarryHIM，theycouldn’tgetonverywellunderthebrassarmour。So，Mrs。TwiggerhadplentyoftimetodenounceNicholasTulrumbletohisface：toexpressheropinionthathewasadecidedmonster；andtointimatethat，ifherill—usedhusbandsustainedanypersonaldamagefromthebrassarmour，shewouldhavethelawofNicholasTulrumbleformanslaughter。Whenshehadsaidallthiswithduevehemence，shepostedafterNed，whowasdragginghimselfalongasbesthecould，anddeploringhisunhappinessinmostdismaltones。
WhatawailingandscreamingNed’schildrenraisedwhenhegothomeatlast!Mrs。Twiggertriedtoundothearmour，firstinoneplace，andtheninanother，butshecouldn’tmanageit；soshetumbledNedintobed，helmet，armour，gauntlets，andall。Suchacreakingasthebedsteadmade，underNed’sweightinhisnewsuit!
Itdidn’tbreakdownthough；andthereNedlay，liketheanonymousvesselintheBayofBiscay，tillnextday，drinkingbarley—water，andlookingmiserable：andeverytimehegroaned，hisgoodladysaiditservedhimright，whichwasalltheconsolationNedTwiggergot。
NicholasTulrumbleandthegorgeousprocessionwentontogethertothetown—hall，amidthehissesandgroansofallthespectators，whohadsuddenlytakenitintotheirheadstoconsiderpoorNedamartyr。Nicholaswasformallyinstalledinhisnewoffice，inacknowledgmentofwhichceremonyhedeliveredhimselfofaspeech，composedbythesecretary，whichwasverylong，andnodoubtverygood，onlythenoiseofthepeopleoutsidepreventedanybodyfromhearingit，butNicholasTulrumblehimself。Afterwhich，theprocessiongotbacktoMudfogHallanyhowitcould；andNicholasandthecorporationsatdowntodinner。
Butthedinnerwasflat，andNicholaswasdisappointed。Theyweresuchdullsleepyoldfellows，thatcorporation。NicholasmadequiteaslongspeechesastheLordMayorofLondonhaddone，nay，hesaidtheverysamethingsthattheLordMayorofLondonhadsaid，andthedeuceacheerthecorporationgavehim。Therewasonlyonemaninthepartywhowasthoroughlyawake；andhewasinsolent，andcalledhimNick。Nick!Whatwouldbetheconsequence，thoughtNicholas，ofanybodypresumingtocalltheLordMayorofLondon’Nick!’Heshouldliketoknowwhatthesword—bearerwouldsaytothat；ortherecorder，orthetoast—
master，oranyotherofthegreatofficersofthecity。They’dnickhim。
ButthesewerenottheworstofNicholasTulrumble’sdoings。Iftheyhadbeen，hemighthaveremainedaMayortothisday，andhavetalkedtillhelosthisvoice。Hecontractedarelishforstatistics，andgotphilosophical；andthestatisticsandthephilosophytogether，ledhimintoanactwhichincreasedhisunpopularityandhastenedhisdownfall。
AttheveryendoftheMudfogHigh—street，andabuttingontheriver—side，standstheJollyBoatmen，anold—fashionedlow—roofed，bay—windowedhouse，withabar，kitchen，andtap—roomallinone，andalargefireplacewithakettletocorrespond，roundwhichtheworkingmenhavecongregatedtimeoutofmindonawinter’snight，refreshedbydraughtsofgoodstrongbeer，andcheeredbythesoundsofafiddleandtambourine：theJollyBoatmenhavingbeendulylicensedbytheMayorandcorporation，toscrapethefiddleandthumbthetambourinefromtime，whereofthememoryoftheoldestinhabitantsgoethnottothecontrary。NowNicholasTulrumblehadbeenreadingpamphletsoncrime，andparliamentaryreports，—orhadmadethesecretaryreadthemtohim，whichisthesamethingineffect，—andheatonceperceivedthatthisfiddleandtambourinemusthavedonemoretodemoralizeMudfog，thananyotheroperatingcausesthatingenuitycouldimagine。Sohereadupforthesubject，anddeterminedtocomeoutonthecorporationwithaburst，theverynexttimethelicencewasappliedfor。
Thelicensingdaycame，andthered—facedlandlordoftheJollyBoatmenwalkedintothetown—hall，lookingasjollyasneedbe，havingactuallyputonanextrafiddleforthatnight，tocommemoratetheanniversaryoftheJollyBoatmen’smusiclicence。
Itwasappliedforindueform，andwasjustabouttobegrantedasamatterofcourse，whenuproseNicholasTulrumble，anddrownedtheastonishedcorporationinatorrentofeloquence。HedescantedinglowingtermsupontheincreasingdepravityofhisnativetownofMudfog，andtheexcessescommittedbyitspopulation。Then，herelatedhowshockedhehadbeen，toseebarrelsofbeerslidingdownintothecellaroftheJollyBoatmenweekafterweek；andhowhehadsatatawindowoppositetheJollyBoatmenfortwodaystogether，tocountthepeoplewhowentinforbeerbetweenthehoursoftwelveandoneo’clockalone—which，by—the—bye，wasthetimeatwhichthegreatmajorityoftheMudfogpeopledined。Then，hewentontostate，howthenumberofpeoplewhocameoutwithbeer—jugs，averagedtwenty—oneinfiveminutes，which，beingmultipliedbytwelve，gavetwohundredandfifty—twopeoplewithbeer—jugsinanhour，andmultipliedagainbyfifteen（thenumberofhoursduringwhichthehousewasopendaily）yieldedthreethousandsevenhundredandeightypeoplewithbeer—jugsperday，ortwenty—sixthousandfourhundredandsixtypeoplewithbeer—jugs，perweek。Thenheproceededtoshowthatatambourineandmoraldegradationweresynonymousterms，andafiddleandviciouspropensitieswhollyinseparable。Alltheseargumentshestrengthenedanddemonstratedbyfrequentreferencestoalargebookwithabluecover，andsundryquotationsfromtheMiddlesexmagistrates；andintheend，thecorporation，whowereposedwiththefigures，andsleepywiththespeech，andsadlyinwantofdinnerintothebargain，yieldedthepalmtoNicholasTulrumble，andrefusedthemusiclicencetotheJollyBoatmen。
ButalthoughNicholastriumphed，histriumphwasshort。Hecarriedonthewaragainstbeer—jugsandfiddles，forgettingthetimewhenhewasgladtodrinkoutoftheone，andtodancetotheother，tillthepeoplehated，andhisoldfriendsshunnedhim。HegrewtiredofthelonelymagnificenceofMudfogHall，andhisheartyearnedtowardstheLighterman’sArms。Hewishedhehadneversetupasapublicman，andsighedforthegoodoldtimesofthecoal—
shop，andthechimneycorner。
AtlengtholdNicholas，beingthoroughlymiserable，tookheartofgrace，paidthesecretaryaquarter’swagesinadvance，andpackedhimofftoLondonbythenextcoach。Havingtakenthisstep，heputhishatonhishead，andhisprideinhispocket，andwalkeddowntotheoldroomattheLighterman’sArms。Therewereonlytwooftheoldfellowsthere，andtheylookedcoldlyonNicholasasheprofferedhishand。
’Areyougoingtoputdownpipes，Mr。Tulrumble？’saidone。
’Ortracetheprogressofcrimeto’bacca？’growledanother。
’Neither，’repliedNicholasTulrumble，shakinghandswiththemboth，whethertheywouldornot。’I’vecomedowntosaythatI’mverysorryforhavingmadeafoolofmyself，andthatIhopeyou’llgivemeuptheoldchair，again。’
Theoldfellowsopenedtheireyes，andthreeorfourmoreoldfellowsopenedthedoor，towhomNicholas，withtearsinhiseyes，thrustouthishandtoo，andtoldthesamestory。Theyraisedashoutofjoy，thatmadethebellsintheancientchurch—towervibrateagain，andwheelingtheoldchairintothewarmcorner，thrustoldNicholasdownintoit，andorderedintheverylargest—
sizedbowlofhotpunch，withanunlimitednumberofpipes，directly。
Thenextday，theJollyBoatmengotthelicence，andthenextnight，oldNicholasandNedTwigger’swifeledoffadancetothemusicofthefiddleandtambourine，thetoneofwhichseemedmightilyimprovedbyalittlerest，fortheyneverhadplayedsomerrilybefore。NedTwiggerwasintheveryheightofhisglory，andhedancedhornpipes，andbalancedchairsonhischin，andstrawsonhisnose，tillthewholecompany，includingthecorporation，wereinrapturesofadmirationatthebrilliancyofhisacquirements。
Mr。Tulrumble，junior，couldn’tmakeuphismindtobeanythingbutmagnificent，sohewentuptoLondonanddrewbillsonhisfather；
andwhenhehadoverdrawn，andgotintodebt，hegrewpenitent，andcamehomeagain。
AstooldNicholas，hekepthisword，andhavinghadsixweeksofpubliclife，nevertrieditanymore。Hewenttosleepinthetown—hallattheverynextmeeting；and，infullproofofhissincerity，hasrequestedustowritethisfaithfulnarrative。WewishitcouldhavetheeffectofremindingtheTulrumblesofanothersphere，thatpuffed—upconceitisnotdignity，andthatsnarlingatthelittlepleasurestheywereoncegladtoenjoy，becausetheywouldratherforgetthetimeswhentheywereoflowerstation，rendersthemobjectsofcontemptandridicule。
Thisisthefirsttimewehavepublishedanyofourgleaningsfromthisparticularsource。Perhaps，atsomefutureperiod，wemayventuretoopenthechroniclesofMudfog。
FULLREPORTOFTHEFIRSTMEETINGOFTHEMUDFOGASSOCIATION
FORTHEADVANCEMENTOFEVERYTHING
WehavemadethemostunparalleledandextraordinaryexertionstoplacebeforeourreadersacompleteandaccurateaccountoftheproceedingsatthelategrandmeetingoftheMudfogAssociation，holdeninthetownofMudfog；itaffordsusgreathappinesstolaytheresultbeforethem，intheshapeofvariouscommunicationsreceivedfromourable，talented，andgraphiccorrespondent，expresslysentdownforthepurpose，whohasimmortalizedus，himself，Mudfog，andtheassociation，allatoneandthesametime。
Wehavebeen，indeed，forsomedaysunabletodeterminewhowilltransmitthegreatestnametoposterity；ourselves，whosentourcorrespondentdown；ourcorrespondent，whowroteanaccountofthematter；ortheassociation，whogaveourcorrespondentsomethingtowriteabout。Weratherinclinetotheopinionthatwearethegreatestmanoftheparty，inasmuchasthenotionofanexclusiveandauthenticreportoriginatedwithus；thismaybeprejudice：itmayarisefromaprepossessiononourpartinourownfavour。Beitso。Wehavenodoubtthateverygentlemanconcernedinthismightyassemblageistroubledwiththesamecomplaintinagreaterorlessdegree；anditisaconsolationtoustoknowthatwehaveatleastthisfeelingincommonwiththegreatscientificstars，thebrilliantandextraordinaryluminaries，whosespeculationswerecord。
Wegiveourcorrespondent’slettersintheorderinwhichtheyreachedus。Anyattemptatamalgamatingthemintoonebeautifulwhole，wouldonlydestroythatglowingtone，thatdashofwildness，andrichveinofpicturesqueinterest，whichpervadethemthroughout。
’MUDFOG，MONDAYNIGHT，SEVENO’CLOCK。
’Weareinastateofgreatexcitementhere。Nothingisspokenof，buttheapproachingmeetingoftheassociation。Theinn—doorsarethrongedwithwaitersanxiouslylookingfortheexpectedarrivals；
andthenumerousbillswhicharewaferedupinthewindowsofprivatehouses，intimatingthattherearebedstoletwithin，givethestreetsaveryanimatedandcheerfulappearance，thewafersbeingofagreatvarietyofcolours，andthemonotonyofprintedinscriptionsbeingrelievedbyeverypossiblesizeandstyleofhand—writing。ItisconfidentlyrumouredthatProfessorsSnore，Doze，andWheezyhaveengagedthreebedsandasitting—roomatthePigandTinder—box。Igiveyoutherumourasithasreachedme；
butIcannot，asyet，vouchforitsaccuracy。ThemomentIhavebeenenabledtoobtainanycertaininformationuponthisinterestingpoint，youmaydependuponreceivingit。’
’HALF—PASTSEVEN。
IhavejustreturnedfromapersonalinterviewwiththelandlordofthePigandTinder—box。HespeaksconfidentlyoftheprobabilityofProfessorsSnore，Doze，andWheezytakinguptheirresidenceathishouseduringthesittingoftheassociation，butdeniesthatthebedshavebeenyetengaged；inwhichrepresentationheisconfirmedbythechambermaid—agirlofartlessmanners，andinterestingappearance。ThebootsdeniesthatitisatalllikelythatProfessorsSnore，Doze，andWheezywillputuphere；butI
havereasontobelievethatthismanhasbeensubornedbytheproprietoroftheOriginalPig，whichistheoppositionhotel。
Amidstsuchconflictingtestimonyitisdifficulttoarriveattherealtruth；butyoumaydependuponreceivingauthenticinformationuponthispointthemomentthefactisascertained。Theexcitementstillcontinues。Aboyfellthroughthewindowofthepastrycook’sshopatthecorneroftheHigh—streetabouthalfanhourago，whichhasoccasionedmuchconfusion。Thegeneralimpressionis，thatitwasanaccident。Prayheavenitmayproveso!’
’TUESDAY，NOON。
’Atanearlyhourthismorningthebellsofallthechurchesstruckseveno’clock；theeffectofwhich，inthepresentlivelystateofthetown，wasextremelysingular。WhileIwasatbreakfast，ayellowgig，drawnbyadarkgreyhorse，withapatchofwhiteoverhisrighteyelid，proceededatarapidpaceinthedirectionoftheOriginalPigstables；itiscurrentlyreportedthatthisgentlemanhasarrivedhereforthepurposeofattendingtheassociation，and，fromwhatIhaveheard，Iconsideritextremelyprobable，althoughnothingdecisiveisyetknownregardinghim。Youmayconceivetheanxietywithwhichwearealllookingforwardtothearrivalofthefouro’clockcoachthisafternoon。
’Notwithstandingtheexcitedstateofthepopulace，nooutragehasyetbeencommitted，owingtotheadmirabledisciplineanddiscretionofthepolice，whoarenowheretobeseen。Abarrel—
organisplayingoppositemywindow，andgroupsofpeople，offeringfishandvegetablesforsale，paradethestreets。Withtheseexceptionseverythingisquiet，andItrustwillcontinueso。’
’FIVEO’CLOCK。
’Itisnowascertained，beyondalldoubt，thatProfessorsSnore，Doze，andWheezywillNOTrepairtothePigandTinder—box，buthaveactuallyengagedapartmentsattheOriginalPig。ThisintelligenceisEXCLUSIVE；andIleaveyouandyourreaderstodrawtheirowninferencesfromit。WhyProfessorWheezy，ofallpeopleintheworld，shouldrepairtotheOriginalPiginpreferencetothePigandTinder—box，itisnoteasytoconceive。Theprofessorisamanwhoshouldbeaboveallsuchpettyfeelings。Somepeoplehereopenlyimputetreachery，andadistinctbreachoffaithtoProfessorsSnoreandDoze；whileothers，again，aredisposedtoacquitthemofanyculpabilityinthetransaction，andtoinsinuatethattheblamerestssolelywithProfessorWheezy。IownthatI
inclinetothelatteropinion；andalthoughitgivesmegreatpaintospeakintermsofcensureordisapprobationofamanofsuchtranscendentgeniusandacquirements，stillIamboundtosaythat，ifmysuspicionsbewellfounded，andifallthereportswhichhavereachedmyearsbetrue，Ireallydonotwellknowwhattomakeofthematter。
’Mr。Slug，socelebratedforhisstatisticalresearches，arrivedthisafternoonbythefouro’clockstage。Hiscomplexionisadarkpurple，andhehasahabitofsighingconstantly。Helookedextremelywell，andappearedinhighhealthandspirits。Mr。
Woodensconcealsocamedowninthesameconveyance。Thedistinguishedgentlemanwasfastasleeponhisarrival，andIaminformedbytheguardthathehadbeensothewholeway。Hewas，nodoubt，preparingforhisapproachingfatigues；butwhatgiganticvisionsmustthosebethatflitthroughthebrainofsuchamanwhenhisbodyisinastateoftorpidity!
’Theinfluxofvisitorsincreaseseverymoment。Iamtold（Iknownothowtruly）thattwopost—chaiseshavearrivedattheOriginalPigwithinthelasthalf—hour，andImyselfobservedawheelbarrow，containingthreecarpetbagsandabundle，enteringtheyardofthePigandTinder—boxnolongeragothanfiveminutessince。Thepeoplearestillquietlypursuingtheirordinaryoccupations；butthereisawildnessintheireyes，andanunwontedrigidityinthemusclesoftheircountenances，whichshowstotheobservantspectatorthattheirexpectationsarestrainedtotheveryutmostpitch。Ifear，unlesssomeveryextraordinaryarrivalstakeplaceto—night，thatconsequencesmayarisefromthispopularferment，whicheverymanofsenseandfeelingwoulddeplore。’
’TWENTYMINUTESPASTSIX。
’Ihavejustheardthattheboywhofellthroughthepastrycook’swindowlastnighthasdiedofthefright。Hewassuddenlycalledupontopaythreeandsixpenceforthedamagedone，andhisconstitution，itseems，wasnotstrongenoughtobearupagainsttheshock。Theinquest，itissaid，willbeheldto—morrow。’
’THREE—QUARTERSPARTSEVEN。
’ProfessorsMuffandNogohavejustdrivenuptothehoteldoor；
theyatonceordereddinnerwithgreatcondescension。Weareallverymuchdelightedwiththeurbanityoftheirmanners，andtheeasewithwhichtheyadaptthemselvestotheformsandceremoniesofordinarylife。Immediatelyontheirarrivaltheysentfortheheadwaiter，andprivatelyrequestedhimtopurchasealivedog，—
ascheapaoneashecouldmeetwith，—andtosendhimupafterdinner，withapie—board，aknifeandfork，andacleanplate。Itisconjecturedthatsomeexperimentswillbetrieduponthedogto—
night；ifanyparticularsshouldtranspire，Iwillforwardthembyexpress。’
’HALF—PASTEIGHT。
’Theanimalhasbeenprocured。Heisapug—dog，ofratherintelligentappearance，ingoodcondition，andwithveryshortlegs。Hehasbeentiedtoacurtain—peginadarkroom，andishowlingdreadfully。’
’TENMINUTESTONINE。
’Thedoghasjustbeenrungfor。Withaninstinctwhichwouldappearalmosttheresultofreason，thesagaciousanimalseizedthewaiterbythecalfofthelegwhenheapproachedtotakehim，andmadeadesperate，thoughineffectualresistance。Ihavenotbeenabletoprocureadmissiontotheapartmentoccupiedbythescientificgentlemen；but，judgingfromthesoundswhichreachedmyearswhenIstooduponthelanding—placeoutsidethedoor，justnow，Ishouldbedisposedtosaythatthedoghadretreatedgrowlingbeneathsomearticleoffurniture，andwaskeepingtheprofessorsatbay。Thisconjectureisconfirmedbythetestimonyoftheostler，who，afterpeepingthroughthekeyhole，assuresmethathedistinctlysawProfessorNogoonhisknees，holdingforthasmallbottleofprussicacid，towhichtheanimal，whowascrouchedbeneathanarm—chair，obstinatelydeclinedtosmell。Youcannotimaginethefeverishstateofirritationwearein，lesttheinterestsofscienceshouldbesacrificedtotheprejudicesofabrutecreature，whoisnotendowedwithsufficientsensetoforeseetheincalculablebenefitswhichthewholehumanracemayderivefromsoveryslightaconcessiononhispart。’
’NINEO’CLOCK。
’Thedog’stailandearshavebeensentdown—stairstobewashed；
fromwhichcircumstanceweinferthattheanimalisnomore。Hisforelegshavebeendeliveredtothebootstobebrushed，whichstrengthensthesupposition。’
’HALFAFTERTEN。
’Myfeelingsaresooverpoweredbywhathastakenplaceinthecourseofthelasthourandahalf，thatIhavescarcelystrengthtodetailtherapidsuccessionofeventswhichhavequitebewilderedallthosewhoarecognizantoftheiroccurrence。Itappearsthatthepug—dogmentionedinmylastwassurreptitiouslyobtained，—stolen，infact，—bysomepersonattachedtothestabledepartment，fromanunmarriedladyresidentinthistown。
Franticondiscoveringthelossofherfavourite，theladyrusheddistractedlyintothestreet，callinginthemostheart—rendingandpatheticmanneruponthepassengerstorestoreher，herAugustus，—
forsothedeceasedwasnamed，inaffectionateremembranceofaformerloverofhismistress，towhomheboreastrikingpersonalresemblance，whichrendersthecircumstancesadditionallyaffecting。IamnotyetinaconditiontoinformyouwhatcircumstanceinducedthebereavedladytodirectherstepstothehotelwhichhadwitnessedthelaststrugglesofherPROTEGE。Icanonlystatethatshearrivedthere，attheveryinstantwhenhisdetachedmemberswerepassingthroughthepassageonasmalltray。
Hershrieksstillreverberateinmyears!IgrievetosaythattheexpressivefeaturesofProfessorMuffweremuchscratchedandlaceratedbytheinjuredlady；andthatProfessorNogo，besidessustainingseveralseverebites，haslostsomehandfulsofhairfromthesamecause。Itmustbesomeconsolationtothesegentlementoknowthattheirardentattachmenttoscientificpursuitshasaloneoccasionedtheseunpleasantconsequences；forwhichthesympathyofagratefulcountrywillsufficientlyrewardthem。TheunfortunateladyremainsatthePigandTinder—box，anduptothistimeisreportedinaveryprecariousstate。
’Ineedscarcelytellyouthatthisunlooked—forcatastrophehascastadampandgloomuponusinthemidstofourexhilaration；
naturalinanycase，butgreatlyenhancedinthis，bytheamiablequalitiesofthedeceasedanimal，whoappearstohavebeenmuchanddeservedlyrespectedbythewholeofhisacquaintance。’
’TWELVEO’CLOCK。
’Itakethelastopportunitybeforesealingmyparceltoinformyouthattheboywhofellthroughthepastrycook’swindowisnotdead，aswasuniversallybelieved，butaliveandwell。Thereportappearstohavehaditsorigininhismysteriousdisappearance。Hewasfoundhalfanhoursinceonthepremisesofasweet—stuffmaker，wherearafflehadbeenannouncedforasecond—handseal—
skincapandatambourine；andwhere—asufficientnumberofmembersnothavingbeenobtainedatfirst—hehadpatientlywaiteduntilthelistwascompleted。Thisfortunatediscoveryhasinsomedegreerestoredourgaietyandcheerfulness。Itisproposedtogetupasubscriptionforhimwithoutdelay。
’Everybodyisnervouslyanxioustoseewhatto—morrowwillbringforth。Ifanyoneshouldarriveinthecourseofthenight，Ihaveleftstrictdirectionstobecalledimmediately。Ishouldhavesatup，indeed，buttheagitatingeventsofthisdayhavebeentoomuchforme。
’NonewsyetofeitheroftheProfessorsSnore，Doze，orWheezy。
Itisverystrange!’
’WEDNESDAYAFTERNOON。
’Allisnowover；and，upononepointatleast，Iamatlengthenabledtosetthemindsofyourreadersatrest。Thethreeprofessorsarrivedattenminutesaftertwoo’clock，and，insteadoftakinguptheirquartersattheOriginalPig，asitwasuniversallyunderstoodinthecourseofyesterdaythattheywouldassuredlyhavedone，drovestraighttothePigandTinder—box，wheretheythrewoffthemaskatonce，andopenlyannouncedtheirintentionofremaining。ProfessorWheezymayreconcilethisveryextraordinaryconductwithHISnotionsoffairandequitabledealing，butIwouldrecommendProfessorWheezytobecautioushowhepresumestoofaruponhiswell—earnedreputation。HowsuchamanasProfessorSnore，or，whichisstillmoreextraordinary，suchanindividualasProfessorDoze，canquietlyallowhimselftobemixedupwithsuchproceedingsasthese，youwillnaturallyinquire。Uponthishead，rumourissilent；Ihavemyspeculations，butforbeartogiveutterancetothemjustnow。’
’FOURO’CLOCK。
’Thetownisfillingfast；eighteenpencehasbeenofferedforabedandrefused。Severalgentlemenwereunderthenecessitylastnightofsleepinginthebrickfields，andonthestepsofdoors，forwhichtheyweretakenbeforethemagistratesinabodythismorning，andcommittedtoprisonasvagrantsforvariousterms。
OneofthesepersonsIunderstandtobeahighly—respectabletinker，ofgreatpracticalskill，whohadforwardedapapertothePresidentofSectionD。MechanicalScience，ontheconstructionofpipkinswithcopperbottomsandsafety—values，ofwhichreportspeakshighly。Theincarcerationofthisgentlemanisgreatlytoberegretted，ashisabsencewillprecludeanydiscussiononthesubject。
’Thebillsarebeingtakendowninalldirections，andlodgingsarebeingsecuredonalmostanyterms。Ihaveheardoffifteenshillingsaweekfortworooms，exclusiveofcoalsandattendance，butIcanscarcelybelieveit。Theexcitementisdreadful。Iwasinformedthismorningthatthecivilauthorities，apprehensiveofsomeoutbreakofpopularfeeling，hadcommandedarecruitingsergeantandtwocorporalstobeunderarms；andthat，withtheviewofnotirritatingthepeopleunnecessarilybytheirpresence，theyhadbeenrequestedtotakeuptheirpositionbeforedaybreakinaturnpike，distantaboutaquarterofamilefromthetown。
Thevigourandpromptnessofthesemeasurescannotbetoohighlyextolled。
’Intelligencehasjustbeenbroughtme，thatanelderlyfemale，inastateofinebriety，hasdeclaredintheopenstreetherintentionto\"do\"forMr。Slug。Somestatisticalreturnscompiledbythatgentleman，relativetotheconsumptionofrawspirituousliquorsinthisplace，aresupposedtobethecauseofthewretch’sanimosity。
Itisaddedthatthisdeclarationwasloudlycheeredbyacrowdofpersonswhohadassembledonthespot；andthatonemanhadtheboldnesstodesignateMr。Slugaloudbytheopprobriousepithetof\"Stick—in—the—mud!\"Itisearnestlytobehopedthatnow，whenthemomenthasarrivedfortheirinterference，themagistrateswillnotshrinkfromtheexerciseofthatpowerwhichisvestedinthembytheconstitutionofourcommoncountry。’
’HALF—PASTTEN。
’Thedisturbance，Iamhappytoinformyou，hasbeencompletelyquelled，andtheringleadertakenintocustody。Shehadapailofcoldwaterthrownoverher，previoustobeinglockedup，andexpressesgreatcontritionanduneasiness。Weareallinafeverofanticipationaboutto—morrow；but，nowthatwearewithinafewhoursofthemeetingoftheassociation，andatlastenjoytheproudconsciousnessofhavingitsillustriousmembersamongstus，I
trustandhopeeverythingmaygooffpeaceably。Ishallsendyouafullreportofto—morrow’sproceedingsbythenightcoach。’
’ELEVENO’CLOCK。
’IopenmylettertosaythatnothingwhateverhasoccurredsinceI
foldeditup。’
’THURSDAY。
’Thesunrosethismorningattheusualhour。Ididnotobserveanythingparticularintheaspectofthegloriousplanet，exceptthatheappearedtome（itmighthavebeenadelusionofmyheightenedfancy）toshinewithmorethancommonbrilliancy，andtoshedarefulgentlustreuponthetown，suchasIhadneverobservedbefore。Thisisthemoreextraordinary，astheskywasperfectlycloudless，andtheatmospherepeculiarlyfine。Athalf—pastnineo’clockthegeneralcommitteeassembled，withthelastyear’spresidentinthechair。Thereportofthecouncilwasread；andonepassage，whichstatedthatthecouncilhadcorrespondedwithnolessthanthreethousandfivehundredandseventy—onepersons，（allofwhompaidtheirownpostage，）onnofewerthanseventhousandtwohundredandforty—threetopics，wasreceivedwithadegreeofenthusiasmwhichnoeffortscouldsuppress。Thevariouscommitteesandsectionshavingbeenappointed，andthemoreformalbusinesstransacted，thegreatproceedingsofthemeetingcommencedateleveno’clockprecisely。Ihadthehappinessofoccupyingamosteligiblepositionatthattime，in’SECTIONA。—ZOOLOGYANDBOTANY。
GREATROOM，PIGANDTINDER—BOX。
PRESIDENT—ProfessorSnore。VICE—PRESIDENTS—ProfessorsDozeandWheezy。
’Thesceneatthismomentwasparticularlystriking。Thesunstreamedthroughthewindowsoftheapartments，andtintedthewholescenewithitsbrilliantrays，bringingoutinstrongreliefthenoblevisagesoftheprofessorsandscientificgentlemen，who，somewithbaldheads，somewithredheads，somewithbrownheads，somewithgreyheads，somewithblackheads，somewithblockheads，presentedaCOUPD’OEILwhichnoeye—witnesswillreadilyforget。
Infrontofthesegentlemenwerepapersandinkstands；androundtheroom，onelevatedbenchesextendingasfarastheformscouldreach，wereassembledabrilliantconcourseofthoselovelyandelegantwomenforwhichMudfogisjustlyacknowledgedtobewithoutarivalinthewholeworld。ThecontrastbetweentheirfairfacesandthedarkcoatsandtrousersofthescientificgentlemenIshallneverceasetorememberwhileMemoryholdsherseat。