’SECTIONC。—ANATOMYANDMEDICINE。
BARROOM，BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH—ACHE。
PRESIDENT—Dr。Soemup。VICE—PRESIDENTS—Messrs。PessellandMortair。
’DR。GRUMMIDGEstatedtothesectionamostinterestingcaseofmonomania，anddescribedthecourseoftreatmenthehadpursuedwithperfectsuccess。Thepatientwasamarriedladyinthemiddlerankoflife，who，havingseenanotherladyataneveningpartyinafullsuitofpearls，wassuddenlyseizedwithadesiretopossessasimilarequipment，althoughherhusband’sfinanceswerebynomeansequaltothenecessaryoutlay。Findingherwishungratified，shefellsick，andthesymptomssoonbecamesoalarming，thathe（Dr。Grummidge）wascalledin。Atthisperiodtheprominenttokensofthedisorderweresullenness，atotalindispositiontoperformdomesticduties，greatpeevishness，andextremelanguor，exceptwhenpearlswerementioned，atwhichtimesthepulsequickened，theeyesgrewbrighter，thepupilsdilated，andthepatient，aftervariousincoherentexclamations，burstintoapassionoftears，andexclaimedthatnobodycaredforher，andthatshewishedherselfdead。Findingthatthepatient’sappetitewasaffectedinthepresenceofcompany，hebeganbyorderingatotalabstinencefromallstimulants，andforbiddinganysustenancebutweakgruel；hethentooktwentyouncesofblood，appliedablisterundereachear，oneuponthechest，andanotherontheback；havingdonewhich，andadministeredfivegrainsofcalomel，heleftthepatienttoherrepose。Thenextdayshewassomewhatlow，butdecidedlybetter，andallappearancesofirritationwereremoved。Thenextdaysheimprovedstillfurther，andonthenextagain。Onthefourththerewassomeappearanceofareturnoftheoldsymptoms，whichnosoonerdevelopedthemselves，thanheadministeredanotherdoseofcalomel，andleftstrictordersthat，unlessadecidedlyfavourablechangeoccurredwithintwohours，thepatient’sheadshouldbeimmediatelyshavedtotheverylastcurl。Fromthatmomentshebegantomend，and，inlessthanfour—and—twentyhourswasperfectlyrestored。Shedidnotnowbetraytheleastemotionatthesightormentionofpearlsoranyotherornaments。Shewascheerfulandgood—humoured，andamostbeneficialchangehadbeeneffectedinherwholetemperamentandcondition。
’MR。PIPKIN（M。R。C。S。）readashortbutmostinterestingcommunicationinwhichhesoughttoprovethecompletebeliefofSirWilliamCourtenay，otherwiseThorn，recentlyshotatCanterbury，intheHomoeopathicsystem。ThesectionwouldbearinmindthatoneoftheHomoeopathicdoctrineswas，thatinfinitesimaldosesofanymedicinewhichwouldoccasionthediseaseunderwhichthepatientlaboured，supposinghimtobeinahealthystate，wouldcureit。Now，itwasaremarkablecircumstance—provedintheevidence—thatthedeceasedThornemployedawomantofollowhimaboutalldaywithapailofwater，assuringherthatonedrop（apurelyhomoeopathicremedy，thesectionwouldobserve），placeduponhistongue，afterdeath，wouldrestorehim。Whatwastheobviousinference？ThatThorn，whowasmarchingandcountermarchinginosierbeds，andotherswampyplaces，wasimpressedwithapresentimentthatheshouldbedrowned；inwhichcase，hadhisinstructionsbeencompliedwith，hecouldnotfailtohavebeenbroughttolifeagaininstantlybyhisownprescription。Asitwas，ifthiswoman，oranyotherperson，hadadministeredaninfinitesimaldoseofleadandgunpowderimmediatelyafterhefell，hewouldhaverecoveredforthwith。Butunhappilythewomanconcerneddidnotpossessthepowerofreasoningbyanalogy，orcarryingoutaprinciple，andthustheunfortunategentlemanhadbeensacrificedtotheignoranceofthepeasantry。
’SECTIOND。—STATISTICS。
OUT—HOUSE，BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH—ACHE。
PRESIDENT—Mr。Slug。VICE—PRESIDENTS—Messrs。NoakesandStyles。
’MR。KWAKLEYstatedtheresultofsomemostingeniousstatisticalinquiriesrelativetothedifferencebetweenthevalueofthequalificationofseveralmembersofParliamentaspublishedtotheworld，anditsrealnatureandamount。AfterremindingthesectionthateverymemberofParliamentforatownorboroughwassupposedtopossessaclearfreeholdestateofthreehundredpoundsperannum，thehonourablegentlemanexcitedgreatamusementandlaughterbystatingtheexactamountoffreeholdpropertypossessedbyacolumnoflegislators，inwhichhehadincludedhimself。Itappearedfromthistable，thattheamountofsuchincomepossessedbyeachwas0pounds，0shillings，and0pence，yieldinganaverageofthesame。（Greatlaughter。）Itwasprettywellknownthattherewereaccommodatinggentlemeninthehabitoffurnishingnewmemberswithtemporaryqualifications，totheownershipofwhichtheysworesolemnly—ofcourseasamerematterofform。HearguedfromtheseDATAthatitwaswhollyunnecessaryformembersofParliamenttopossessanypropertyatall，especiallyaswhentheyhadnonethepubliccouldgetthemsomuchcheaper。
’SUPPLEMENTARYSECTION，E。—UMBUGOLOGYANDDITCHWATERISICS。
PRESIDENT—Mr。Grub。VICEPRESIDENTS—Messrs。DullandDummy。
’Apaperwasreadbythesecretarydescriptiveofabayponywithoneeye，whichhadbeenseenbytheauthorstandinginabutcher’scartatthecornerofNewgateMarket。Thecommunicationdescribedtheauthorofthepaperashaving，intheprosecutionofamercantilepursuit，betakenhimselfoneSaturdaymorninglastsummerfromSomersTowntoCheapside；inthecourseofwhichexpeditionhehadbeheldtheextraordinaryappearanceabovedescribed。Theponyhadonedistincteye，andithadbeenpointedouttohimbyhisfriendCaptainBlunderbore，oftheHorseMarines，whoassistedtheauthorinhissearch，thatwheneverhewinkedthiseyehewhiskedhistail（possiblytodrivethefliesoff），butthathealwayswinkedandwhiskedatthesametime。Theanimalwaslean，spavined，andtottering；andtheauthorproposedtoconstituteitofthefamilyofFITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS。Itcertainlydidoccurtohimthattherewasnocaseonrecordofaponywithoneclearly—definedanddistinctorganofvision，winkingandwhiskingatthesamemoment。
’MR。Q。J。SNUFFLETOFFLEhadheardofaponywinkinghiseye，andlikewiseofaponywhiskinghistail，butwhethertheyweretwoponiesorthesameponyhecouldnotundertakepositivelytosay。
Atallevents，hewasacquaintedwithnoauthenticatedinstanceofasimultaneouswinkingandwhisking，andhereallycouldnotbutdoubttheexistenceofsuchamarvellousponyinoppositiontoallthosenaturallawsbywhichponiesweregoverned。Referring，however，tothemerequestionofhisoneorganofvision，mighthesuggestthepossibilityofthisponyhavingbeenliterallyhalfasleepatthetimehewasseen，andhavingclosedonlyoneeye。
’THEPRESIDENTobservedthat，whethertheponywashalfasleeporfastasleep，therecouldbenodoubtthattheassociationwaswideawake，andthereforethattheyhadbettergetthebusinessover，andgotodinner。Hehadcertainlyneverseenanythinganalogoustothispony，buthewasnotpreparedtodoubtitsexistence；forhehadseenmanyqueererponiesinhistime，thoughhedidnotpretendtohaveseenanymoreremarkabledonkeysthantheothergentlemenaroundhim。
’PROFESSORJOHNKETCHwasthencalledupontoexhibittheskullofthelateMr。Greenacre，whichheproducedfromabluebag，remarking，onbeinginvitedtomakeanyobservationsthatoccurredtohim，\"thathe’dpounditasthat’ere’spectablesectionhadneverseedamoregamerercovenorhevos。\"
’Amostanimateddiscussionuponthisinterestingrelicensued；
and，somedifferenceofopinionarisingrespectingtherealcharacterofthedeceasedgentleman，Mr。Blubbdeliveredalectureuponthecraniumbeforehim，clearlyshowingthatMr。Greenacrepossessedtheorganofdestructivenesstoamostunusualextent，withamostremarkabledevelopmentoftheorganofcarveativeness。
SirHookhamSniveywasproceedingtocombatthisopinion，whenProfessorKetchsuddenlyinterruptedtheproceedingsbyexclaiming，withgreatexcitementofmanner，\"Walker!\"
’THEPRESIDENTbeggedtocallthelearnedgentlemantoorder。
’PROFESSORKETCH。—\"Orderbeblowed!you’vegotthewrongun，I
tellyou。Itain’tno’edatall；it’sacoker—nutasmybrother—
in—lawhasbeena—carvin’，tohornamenthisnewbakedtatur—stallwotsa—comin’down’erevilethe’sociation’sinthetown。Handover，villyou？\"
’Withthesewords，ProfessorKetchhastilyrepossessedhimselfofthecocoa—nut，anddrewforththeskull，inmistakeforwhichhehadexhibitedit。Amostinterestingconversationensued；butasthereappearedsomedoubtultimatelywhethertheskullwasMr。
Greenacre’s，orahospitalpatient’s，orapauper’s，oraman’s，orawoman’s，oramonkey’s，noparticularresultwasobtained。’
’Icannot，’saysourtalentedcorrespondentinconclusion，’I
cannotclosemyaccountofthesegiganticresearchesandsublimeandnobletriumphswithoutrepeatingaBONMOTofProfessorWoodensconce’s，whichshowshowthegreatestmindsmayoccasionallyunbendwhentruthcanbepresentedtolisteningears，clothedinanattractiveandplayfulform。Iwasstandingby，when，afteraweekoffeastingandfeeding，thatlearnedgentleman，accompaniedbythewholebodyofwonderfulmen，enteredthehallyesterday，whereasumptuousdinnerwasprepared；wheretherichestwinessparkledontheboard，andfatbucks—propitiatorysacrificestolearning—
sentforththeirsavouryodours。\"Ah!\"saidProfessorWoodensconce，rubbinghishands，\"thisiswhatwemeetfor；thisiswhatinspiresus；thisiswhatkeepsustogether，andbeckonsusonward；thisistheSPREADofscience，andagloriousspreaditis。\"’
THEPANTOMIMEOFLIFE
Beforeweplungeheadlongintothispaper，letusatonceconfesstoafondnessforpantomimes—toagentlesympathywithclownsandpantaloons—toanunqualifiedadmirationofharlequinsandcolumbines—toachastedelightineveryactionoftheirbriefexistence，variedandmany—colouredasthoseactionsare，andinconsistentthoughtheyoccasionallybewiththoserigidandformalrulesofproprietywhichregulatetheproceedingsofmeanerandlesscomprehensiveminds。Werevelinpantomimes—notbecausetheydazzleone’seyeswithtinselandgoldleaf；notbecausetheypresenttous，onceagain，thewell—belovedchalkedfaces，andgoggleeyesofourchildhood；notevenbecause，likeChristmas—day，andTwelfth—night，andShrove—Tuesday，andone’sownbirthday，theycometousbutonceayear；—ourattachmentisfoundedonagraverandaverydifferentreason。Apantomimeistous，amirroroflife；nay，more，wemaintainthatitissotoaudiencesgenerally，althoughtheyarenotawareofit，andthatthisverycircumstanceisthesecretcauseoftheiramusementanddelight。
Letustakeaslightexample。Thesceneisastreet：anelderlygentleman，withalargefaceandstronglymarkedfeatures，appears。
Hiscountenancebeamswithasunnysmile，andaperpetualdimpleisonhisbroad，redcheek。Heisevidentlyanopulentelderlygentleman，comfortableincircumstances，andwell—to—dointheworld。Heisnotunmindfuloftheadornmentofhisperson，forheisrichly，nottosaygaudily，dressed；andthatheindulgestoareasonableextentinthepleasuresofthetablemaybeinferredfromthejoyousandoilymannerinwhichherubshisstomach，bywayofinformingtheaudiencethatheisgoinghometodinner。Inthefulnessofhisheart，inthefanciedsecurityofwealth，inthepossessionandenjoymentofallthegoodthingsoflife，theelderlygentlemansuddenlyloseshisfooting，andstumbles。Howtheaudienceroar!Heissetuponbyanoisyandofficiouscrowd，whobuffetandcuffhimunmercifully。Theyscreamwithdelight!
Everytimetheelderlygentlemanstrugglestogetup，hisrelentlesspersecutorsknockhimdownagain。Thespectatorsareconvulsedwithmerriment!Andwhenatlasttheelderlygentlemandoesgetup，andstaggersaway，despoiledofhat，wig，andclothing，himselfbatteredtopieces，andhiswatchandmoneygone，theyareexhaustedwithlaughter，andexpresstheirmerrimentandadmirationinroundsofapplause。
Isthislikelife？Changethescenetoanyrealstreet；—totheStockExchange，ortheCitybanker’s；themerchant’scounting—
house，oreventhetradesman’sshop。Seeanyoneofthesemenfall，—themoresuddenly，andthenearerthezenithofhisprideandriches，thebetter。Whatawildhalloisraisedoverhisprostratecarcasebytheshoutingmob；howtheywhoopandyellashelieshumbledbeneaththem!Markhoweagerlytheysetuponhimwhenheisdown；andhowtheymockandderidehimasheslinksaway。Why，itisthepantomimetotheveryletter。
OfallthepantomimicDRAMATISPERSONAE，weconsiderthepantaloonthemostworthlessanddebauched。Independentofthedislikeonenaturallyfeelsatseeingagentlemanofhisyearsengagedinpursuitshighlyunbecominghisgravityandtimeoflife，wecannotconcealfromourselvesthefactthatheisatreacherous，worldly—
mindedoldvillain，constantlyenticinghisyoungercompanion，theclown，intoactsoffraudorpettylarceny，andgenerallystandingasidetowatchtheresultoftheenterprise。Ifitbesuccessful，heneverforgetstoreturnforhisshareofthespoil；butifitturnoutafailure，hegenerallyretireswithremarkablecautionandexpedition，andkeepscarefullyaloofuntiltheaffairhasblownover。Hisamorouspropensities，too，areeminentlydisagreeable；andhismodeofaddressingladiesintheopenstreetatnoon—dayisdown—rightimproper，beingusuallyneithermorenorlessthanaperceptibleticklingoftheaforesaidladiesinthewaist，aftercommittingwhich，hestartsback，manifestlyashamed（aswellhemaybe）ofhisownindecorumandtemerity；continuing，nevertheless，toogleandbeckontothemfromadistanceinaveryunpleasantandimmoralmanner。
Isthereanymanwhocannotcountadozenpantaloonsinhisownsocialcircle？Isthereanymanwhohasnotseenthemswarmingatthewestendofthetownonasunshinydayorasummer’sevening，goingthroughthelast—namedpantomimicfeatswithasmuchliquorishenergy，andastotalanabsenceofreserve，asiftheywereontheverystageitself？Wecantelluponourfingersadozenpantaloonsofouracquaintanceatthismoment—capitalpantaloons，whohavebeenperformingallkindsofstrangefreaks，tothegreatamusementoftheirfriendsandacquaintance，foryearspast；andwhotothisdayaremakingsuchcomicalandineffectualattemptstobeyounganddissolute，thatallbeholdersareliketodiewithlaughter。
TakethatoldgentlemanwhohasjustemergedfromtheCAFEDE
L’EUROPEintheHaymarket，wherehehasbeendiningattheexpenseoftheyoungmanupontownwithwhomheshakeshandsastheypartatthedoorofthetavern。Theaffectedwarmthofthatshakeofthehand，thecourteousnod，theobviousrecollectionofthedinner，thesavouryflavourofwhichstillhangsuponhislips，areallcharacteristicsofhisgreatprototype。Hehobblesawayhumminganoperatune，andtwirlinghiscanetoandfro，withaffectedcarelessness。Suddenlyhestops—’tisatthemilliner’swindow。Hepeepsthroughoneofthelargepanesofglass；and，hisviewoftheladieswithinbeingobstructedbytheIndiashawls，directshisattentionstotheyounggirlwiththeband—boxinherhand，whoisgazinginatthewindowalso。See!hedrawsbesideher。Hecoughs；sheturnsawayfromhim。Hedrawsnearheragain；
shedisregardshim。Hegleefullychucksherunderthechin，and，retreatingafewsteps，nodsandbeckonswithfantasticgrimaces，whilethegirlbestowsacontemptuousandsuperciliouslookuponhiswrinkledvisage。Sheturnsawaywithaflounce，andtheoldgentlemantrotsafterherwithatoothlesschuckle。Thepantaloontothelife!
Butthecloseresemblancewhichtheclownsofthestagebeartothoseofevery—daylifeisperfectlyextraordinary。Somepeopletalkwithasighofthedeclineofpantomime，andmurmurinlowanddismaltonesthenameofGrimaldi。Wemeannodisparagementtotheworthyandexcellentoldmanwhenwesaythatthisisdownrightnonsense。ClownsthatbeatGrimaldialltonothingturnupeveryday，andnobodypatronizesthem—more’sthepity!
’Iknowwhoyoumean，’sayssomedirty—facedpatronofMr。
Osbaldistone’s，layingdowntheMiscellanywhenhehasgotthusfar，andbestowinguponvacancyamostknowingglance；’youmeanC。
J。SmithasdidGuyFawkes，andGeorgeBarnwellattheGarden。’
Thedirty—facedgentlemanhashardlyutteredthewords，whenheisinterruptedbyayounggentlemaninnoshirt—collarandaPetershamcoat。’No，no，’saystheyounggentleman；’hemeansBrown，King，andGibson，atthe’Delphi。’Now，withgreatdeferencebothtothefirst—namedgentlemanwiththedirtyface，andthelast—namedgentlemaninthenon—existingshirt—collar，wedoNOTmeaneithertheperformerwhosogrotesquelyburlesquedthePopishconspirator，orthethreeunchangeableswhohavebeendancingthesamedanceunderdifferentimposingtitles，anddoingthesamethingundervarioushigh—soundingnamesforsomefiveorsixyearslastpast。
Wehavenosoonermadethisavowal，thanthepublic，whohavehithertobeensilentwitnessesofthedispute，inquirewhatonearthitisweDOmean；and，withbecomingrespect，weproceedtotellthem。
Itisverywellknowntoallplaygoersandpantomime—seers，thatthescenesinwhichatheatricalclownisattheveryheightofhisgloryarethosewhicharedescribedintheplay—billsas’Cheesemonger’sshopandCrockerywarehouse，’or’Tailor’sshop，andMrs。Queertable’sboarding—house，’orplacesbearingsomesuchtitle，wherethegreatfunofthethingconsistsinthehero’stakinglodgingswhichhehasnottheslightestintentionofpayingfor，orobtaininggoodsunderfalsepretences，orabstractingthestock—in—tradeoftherespectableshopkeepernextdoor，orrobbingwarehouseportersastheypassunderhiswindow，or，toshortenthecatalogue，inhisswindlingeverybodyhepossiblycan，itonlyremainingtobeobservedthat，themoreextensivetheswindlingis，andthemorebarefacedtheimpudenceoftheswindler，thegreatertheraptureandecstasyoftheaudience。Nowitisamostremarkablefactthatpreciselythissortofthingoccursinreallifedayafterday，andnobodyseesthehumourofit。Letusillustrateourpositionbydetailingtheplotofthisportionofthepantomime—notofthetheatre，butoflife。
TheHonourableCaptainFitz—WhiskerFiercy，attendedbyhisliveryservantDo’em—amostrespectableservanttolookat，whohasgrowngreyintheserviceofthecaptain’sfamily—views，treatsfor，andultimatelyobtainspossessionof，theunfurnishedhouse，suchanumber，suchastreet。Allthetradesmenintheneighbourhoodareinagoniesofcompetitionforthecaptain’scustom；thecaptainisagood—natured，kind—hearted，easyman，and，toavoidbeingthecauseofdisappointmenttoany，hemosthandsomelygivesorderstoall。Hampersofwine，basketsofprovisions，cart—loadsoffurniture，boxesofjewellery，suppliesofluxuriesofthecostliestdescription，flocktothehouseoftheHonourableCaptainFitz—WhiskerFiercy，wheretheyarereceivedwiththeutmostreadinessbythehighlyrespectableDo’em；whilethecaptainhimselfstrutsandswaggersaboutwiththatcompoundairofconscioussuperiorityandgeneralblood—thirstinesswhichamilitarycaptainshouldalways，anddoesmosttimes，wear，totheadmirationandterrorofplebeianmen。Butthetradesmen’sbacksarenosoonerturned，thanthecaptain，withalltheeccentricityofamightymind，andassistedbythefaithfulDo’em，whosedevotedfidelityisnottheleasttouchingpartofhischaracter，disposesofeverythingtogreatadvantage；for，althoughthearticlesfetchsmallsums，stilltheyaresoldconsiderablyabovecostprice，thecosttothecaptainhavingbeennothingatall。Aftervariousmanoeuvres，theimpostureisdiscovered，Fitz—FiercyandDo’emarerecognizedasconfederates，andthepoliceofficetowhichtheyarebothtakenisthrongedwiththeirdupes。
Whocanfailtorecognizeinthis，theexactcounterpartofthebestportionofatheatricalpantomime—Fitz—WhiskerFiercybytheclown；Do’embythepantaloon；andsupernumerariesbythetradesmen？Thebestofthejoke，too，is，thattheverycoal—
merchantwhoisloudestinhiscomplaintsagainstthepersonwhodefraudedhim，istheidenticalmanwhosatinthecentreoftheveryfrontrowofthepitlastnightandlaughedthemostboisterouslyatthisverysamething，—andnotsowelldoneeither。TalkofGrimaldi，wesayagain!DidGrimaldi，inhisbestdays，everdoanythinginthiswayequaltoDaCosta？
Thementionofthislatterjustlycelebratedclownremindsusofhislastpieceofhumour，thefraudulentlyobtainingcertainstampedacceptancesfromayounggentlemaninthearmy。Wehadscarcelylaiddownourpentocontemplateforafewmomentsthisadmirableactor’sperformanceofthatexquisitepracticaljoke，thananewbranchofoursubjectflashedsuddenlyuponus。Sowetakeitupagainatonce。
Allpeoplewhohavebeenbehindthescenes，andmostpeoplewhohavebeenbeforethem，know，thatintherepresentationofapantomime，agoodmanymenaresentuponthestagefortheexpresspurposeofbeingcheated，orknockeddown，orboth。Now，downtoamomentago，wehadneverbeenabletounderstandforwhatpossiblepurposeagreatnumberofodd，lazy，large—headedmen，whomoneisinthehabitofmeetinghere，andthere，andeverywhere，couldeverhavebeencreated。Weseeitall，now。Theyarethesupernumerariesinthepantomimeoflife；themenwhohavebeenthrustintoit，withnootherviewthantobeconstantlytumblingovereachother，andrunningtheirheadsagainstallsortsofstrangethings。Wesatoppositetooneofthesemenatasupper—
table，onlylastweek。Nowwethinkofit，hewasexactlylikethegentlemenwiththepasteboardheadsandfaces，whodothecorrespondingbusinessinthetheatricalpantomimes；therewasthesamebroadstolidsimper—thesamedullleadeneye—thesameunmeaning，vacantstare；andwhateverwassaid，orwhateverwasdone，healwayscameinatpreciselythewrongplace，orjostledagainstsomethingthathehadnottheslightestbusinesswith。Welookedatthemanacrossthetableagainandagain；andcouldnotsatisfyourselveswhatraceofbeingstoclasshimwith。Howveryoddthatthisneveroccurredtousbefore!
Wewillfranklyownthatwehavebeenmuchtroubledwiththeharlequin。Weseeharlequinsofsomanykindsinthereallivingpantomime，thatwehardlyknowwhichtoselectastheproperfellowofhimofthetheatres。Atonetimeweweredisposedtothinkthattheharlequinwasneithermorenorlessthanayoungmanoffamilyandindependentproperty，whohadrunawaywithanopera—dancer，andwasfoolinghislifeandhismeansawayinlightandtrivialamusements。Onreflection，however，werememberedthatharlequinsareoccasionallyguiltyofwitty，andevencleveracts，andweareratherdisposedtoacquitouryoungmenoffamilyandindependentproperty，generallyspeaking，ofanysuchmisdemeanours。Onamorematureconsiderationofthesubject，wehavearrivedattheconclusionthattheharlequinsoflifearejustordinarymen，tobefoundinnoparticularwalkordegree，onwhomacertainstation，orparticularconjunctionofcircumstances，confersthemagicwand。
Andthisbringsustoafewwordsonthepantomimeofpublicandpoliticallife，whichweshallsayatonce，andthenconclude—
merelypremisinginthisplacethatwedeclineanyreferencewhatevertothecolumbine，beinginnowisesatisfiedofthenatureofherconnectionwithherparti—colouredlover，andnotfeelingbyanymeansclearthatweshouldbejustifiedinintroducinghertothevirtuousandrespectableladieswhoperuseourlucubrations。
WetakeitthatthecommencementofaSessionofParliamentisneithermorenorlessthanthedrawingupofthecurtainforagrandcomicpantomime，andthathisMajesty’smostgraciousspeechontheopeningthereofmaybenotinaptlycomparedtotheclown’sopeningspeechof’Hereweare!’’Mylordsandgentlemen，hereweare!’appears，toourmindatleast，tobeaverygoodabstractofthepointandmeaningofthepropitiatoryaddressoftheministry。
Whenwerememberhowfrequentlythisspeechismade，immediatelyafterTHECHANGEtoo，theparallelisquiteperfect，andstillmoresingular。
Perhapsthecastofourpoliticalpantomimeneverwasricherthanatthisday。Weareparticularlystronginclowns。Atnoformertime，weshouldsay，havewehadsuchastonishingtumblers，orperformerssoreadytogothroughthewholeoftheirfeatsfortheamusementofanadmiringthrong。Theirextremereadinesstoexhibit，indeed，hasgivenrisetosomeill—naturedreflections；ithavingbeenobjectedthatbyexhibitinggratuitouslythroughthecountrywhenthetheatreisclosed，theyreducethemselvestothelevelofmountebanks，andtherebytendtodegradetherespectabilityoftheprofession。CertainlyGrimaldineverdidthissortofthing；andthoughBrown，King，andGibsonhavegonetotheSurreyinvacationtime，andMr。C。J。SmithhasruralisedatSadler’sWells，wefindnotheatricalprecedentforageneraltumblingthroughthecountry，exceptinthegentleman，nameunknown，whothrewsummersetsonbehalfofthelateMr。Richardson，andwhoisnoauthorityeither，becausehehadneverbeenontheregularboards。
But，layingasidethisquestion，whichafterallisamerematteroftaste，wemayreflectwithprideandgratificationofheartontheproficiencyofourclownsasexhibitedintheseason。Nightafternightwilltheytwistandtumbleabout，tilltwo，three，andfouro’clockinthemorning；playingthestrangestantics，andgivingeachotherthefunniestslapsonthefacethatcanpossiblybeimagined，withoutevincingthesmallesttokensoffatigue。Thestrangenoises，theconfusion，theshoutingandroaring，amidwhichallthisisdone，too，wouldputtoshamethemostturbulentsixpennygallerythateveryelledthroughaboxing—night。
Itisespeciallycurioustobeholdoneoftheseclownscompelledtogothroughthemostsurprisingcontortionsbytheirresistibleinfluenceofthewandofoffice，whichhisleaderorharlequinholdsabovehishead。Acteduponbythiswonderfulcharmhewillbecomeperfectlymotionless，movingneitherhand，foot，norfinger，andwillevenlosethefacultyofspeechataninstant’snotice；orontheotherhand，hewillbecomealllifeandanimationifrequired，pouringforthatorrentofwordswithoutsenseormeaning，throwinghimselfintothewildestandmostfantasticcontortions，andevengrovellingontheearthandlickingupthedust。Theseexhibitionsaremorecuriousthanpleasing；indeed，theyareratherdisgustingthanotherwise，excepttotheadmirersofsuchthings，withwhomweconfesswehavenofellow—feeling。
Strangetricks—verystrangetricks—arealsoperformedbytheharlequinwhoholdsforthetimebeingthemagicwandwhichwehavejustmentioned。Themerewavingitbeforeaman’seyeswilldispossesshisbrainsofallthenotionspreviouslystoredthere，andfillitwithanentirelynewsetofideas；onegentletaponthebackwillalterthecolourofaman’scoatcompletely；andtherearesomeexpertperformers，who，havingthiswandheldfirstononesideandthenontheother，willchangefromsidetoside，turningtheircoatsateveryevolution，withsomuchrapidityanddexterity，thatthequickesteyecanscarcelydetecttheirmotions。
Occasionally，thegeniuswhoconfersthewand，wrestsitfromthehandofthetemporarypossessor，andconsignsittosomenewperformer；onwhichoccasionsallthecharacterschangesides，andthentheraceandthehardknocksbeginanew。
Wemighthaveextendedthischaptertoamuchgreaterlength—wemighthavecarriedthecomparisonintotheliberalprofessions—wemighthaveshown，aswasinfactouroriginalpurpose，thateachisinitselfalittlepantomimewithscenesandcharactersofitsown，complete；but，aswefearwehavebeenquitelengthyenoughalready，weshallleavethischapterjustwhereitis。A
gentleman，notaltogetherunknownasadramaticpoet，wrotethusayearortwoago—
’Alltheworld’sastage，Andallthemenandwomenmerelyplayers：’
andwe，trackingouthisfootstepsatthescarcely—worth—mentioninglittledistanceofafewmillionsofleaguesbehind，venturetoadd，bywayofnewreading，thathemeantaPantomime，andthatweareallactorsinThePantomimeofLife。
SOMEPARTICULARSCONCERNINGALION
Wehaveagreatrespectforlionsintheabstract。Incommonwithmostotherpeople，wehaveheardandreadofmanyinstancesoftheirbraveryandgenerosity。Wehavedulyadmiredthatheroicself—denialandcharmingphilanthropywhichpromptsthemnevertoeatpeopleexceptwhentheyarehungry，andwehavebeendeeplyimpressedwithabecomingsenseofthepolitenesstheyaresaidtodisplaytowardsunmarriedladiesofacertainstate。Allnaturalhistoriesteemwithanecdotesillustrativeoftheirexcellentqualities；andoneoldspelling—bookinparticularrecountsatouchinginstanceofanoldlion，ofhighmoraldignityandsternprinciple，whofeltithisimperativedutytodevourayoungmanwhohadcontractedahabitofswearing，asastrikingexampletotherisinggeneration。
Allthisisextremelypleasanttoreflectupon，and，indeed，saysaverygreatdealinfavouroflionsasamass。Weareboundtostate，however，thatsuchindividuallionsaswehavehappenedtofallinwithhavenotputforthanyverystrikingcharacteristics，andhavenotacteduptothechivalrouscharacterassignedthembytheirchroniclers。Weneversawalioninwhatiscalledhisnaturalstate，certainly；thatistosay，wehavenevermetalionoutwalkinginaforest，orcrouchinginhislairunderatropicalsun，waitingtillhisdinnershouldhappentocomeby，hotfromthebaker’s。Butwehaveseensomeundertheinfluenceofcaptivity，andthepressureofmisfortune；andwemustsaythattheyappearedtousveryapathetic，heavy—headedfellows。
ThelionattheZoologicalGardens，forinstance。Heisallverywell；hehasanundeniablemane，andlooksveryfierce；but，Lordblessus!whatofthat？Thelionsofthefashionableworldlookjustasferocious，andarethemostharmlesscreaturesbreathing。
Abox—lobbylionoraRegent—streetanimalwillputonamostterribleaspect，androar，fearfully，ifyouaffronthim；buthewillneverbite，and，ifyouoffertoattackhimmanfully，willfairlyturntailandsneakoff。Doubtlessthesecreaturesroamaboutsometimesinherds，and，iftheymeetanyespeciallymeek—
lookingandpeaceably—disposedfellow，willendeavourtofrightenhim；butthefaintestshowofavigorousresistanceissufficienttoscarethemeventhen。Thesearepleasantcharacteristics，whereaswemakeitmatterofdistinctchargeagainsttheZoologicallionandhisbrethrenatthefairs，thattheyaresleepy，dreamy，sluggishquadrupeds。
Wedonotremembertohaveeverseenoneofthemperfectlyawake，exceptatfeeding—time。Ineveryrespectweupholdthebipedlionsagainsttheirfour—footednamesakes，andweboldlychallengecontroversyuponthesubject。
Withtheseopinionsitmaybeeasilyimaginedthatourcuriosityandinterestwereverymuchexcitedtheotherday，whenaladyofouracquaintancecalledonusandresolutelydeclinedtoacceptourrefusalofherinvitationtoaneveningparty；’for，’saidshe，’I
havegotalioncoming。’Weatonceretractedourpleaofapriorengagement，andbecameasanxioustogo，aswehadpreviouslybeentostayaway。
Wewentearly，andpostedourselvesinaneligiblepartofthedrawing—room，fromwhencewecouldhopetoobtainafullviewoftheinterestinganimal。Twoorthreehourspassed，thequadrillesbegan，theroomfilled；butnolionappeared。Theladyofthehousebecameinconsolable，—foritisoneofthepeculiarprivilegesoftheselionstomakesolemnappointmentsandneverkeepthem，—whenallofasuddentherecameatremendousdoublerapatthestreet—door，andthemasterofthehouse，afterglidingout（unobservedasheflatteredhimself）topeepoverthebanisters，cameintotheroom，rubbinghishandstogetherwithgreatglee，andcriedoutinaveryimportantvoice，’Mydear，Mr。
—（namingthelion）hasthismomentarrived。’
Uponthis，alleyeswereturnedtowardsthedoor，andweobservedseveralyoungladies，whohadbeenlaughingandconversingpreviouslywithgreatgaietyandgoodhumour，growextremelyquietandsentimental；whilesomeyounggentlemen，whohadbeencuttinggreatfiguresinthefacetiousandsmall—talkway，suddenlysankveryobviouslyintheestimationofthecompany，andwerelookeduponwithgreatcoldnessandindifference。Eventheyoungmanwhohadbeenorderedfromthemusicshoptoplaythepianofortewasvisiblyaffected，andstruckseveralfalsenotesintheexcessofhisexcitement。
Allthistimetherewasagreattalkingoutside，morethanonceaccompaniedbyaloudlaugh，andacryof’Oh!capital!excellent!’
fromwhichweinferredthatthelionwasjocose，andthattheseexclamationswereoccasionedbythetransportsofhiskeeperandourhost。Norwerewedeceived；forwhenthelionatlastappeared，weoverheardhiskeeper，whowasalittleprimman，whispertoseveralgentlemenofhisacquaintance，withupliftedhands，andeveryexpressionofhalf—suppressedadmiration，that—
（namingthelionagain）wasinSUCHcueto—night!
Thelionwasaliteraryone。Ofcourse，therewereavastnumberofpeoplepresentwhohadadmiredhisroarings，andwereanxioustobeintroducedtohim；andverypleasantitwastoseethembroughtupforthepurpose，andtoobservethepatientdignitywithwhichhereceivedalltheirpattingandcaressing。Thisbroughtforciblytoourmindwhatwehadsooftenwitnessedatcountryfairs，wheretheotherlionsarecompelledtogothroughasmanyformsofcourtesyastheychancetobeacquaintedwith，justasoftenasadmiringpartieshappentodropinuponthem。
Whilethelionwasexhibitinginthisway，hiskeeperwasnotidle，forhemingledamongthecrowd，andspreadhispraisesmostindustriously。Toonegentlemanhewhisperedsomeverychoicethingthatthenobleanimalhadsaidintheveryactofcomingup—
stairs，which，ofcourse，renderedthementaleffortstillmoreastonishing；toanotherhemurmuredahastyaccountofagranddinnerthathadtakenplacethedaybefore，wheretwenty—sevengentlemenhadgotupallatoncetodemandanextracheerforthelion；andtotheladieshemadesundrypromisesofintercedingtoprocurethemajesticbrute’ssign—manualfortheiralbums。Then，therewerelittleprivateconsultationsindifferentcorners，relativetothepersonalappearanceandstatureofthelion；
whetherhewasshorterthantheyhadexpectedtoseehim，ortaller，orthinner，orfatter，oryounger，orolder；whetherhewaslikehisportrait，orunlikeit；andwhethertheparticularshadeofhiseyeswasblack，orblue，orhazel，orgreen，oryellow，ormixture。Atalltheseconsultationsthekeeperassisted；and，inshort，thelionwasthesoleandsinglesubjectofdiscussiontilltheysathimdowntowhist，andthenthepeoplerelapsedintotheiroldtopicsofconversation—themselvesandeachother。
Wemustconfessthatwelookedforwardwithnoslightimpatiencetotheannouncementofsupper；forifyouwishtoseeatamelionunderparticularlyfavourablecircumstances，feeding—timeistheperiodofallotherstopitchupon。Wewerethereforeverymuchdelightedtoobserveasensationamongtheguests，whichwewellknewhowtointerpret，andimmediatelyafterwardstobeholdthelionescortingtheladyofthehousedown—stairs。Weofferedourarmtoanelderlyfemaleofouracquaintance，who—dearoldsoul!
—istheverybestpersonthateverlived，toleaddowntoanymeal；for，betheroomeversosmall，orthepartyeversolarge，sheissure，bysomeintuitiveperceptionoftheeligible，topushandpullherselfandconductorclosetothebestdishesonthetable；—wesayweofferedourarmtothiselderlyfemale，and，descendingthestairsshortlyafterthelion，werefortunateenoughtoobtainaseatnearlyoppositehim。
Ofcoursethekeeperwastherealready。Hehadplantedhimselfatpreciselythatdistancefromhischargewhichaffordedhimadecentpretextforraisinghisvoice，whenheaddressedhim，tosoloudakey，ascouldnotfailtoattracttheattentionofthewholecompany，andimmediatelybegantoapplyhimselfseriouslytothetaskofbringingthelionout，andputtinghimthroughthewholeofhismanoeuvres。Suchflashesofwitasheelicitedfromthelion!
Firstofall，theybegantomakepunsuponasalt—cellar，andthenuponthebreastofafowl，andthenuponthetrifle；butthebestjokesofallweredecidedlyonthelobstersalad，uponwhichlattersubjectthelioncameoutmostvigorously，and，intheopinionofthemostcompetentauthorities，quiteoutshonehimself。Thisisaveryexcellentmodeofshininginsociety，andisfounded，wehumblyconceive，upontheclassicmodelofthedialoguesbetweenMr。Punchandhisfriendtheproprietor，whereinthelattertakesalltheup—hillwork，andiscontenttopioneertothejokesandreparteesofMr。P。himself，whoneverfailstogaingreatcreditandexcitemuchlaughterthereby。Whateveritbefoundedon，however，werecommendittoalllions，presentandtocome；forinthisinstanceitsucceededtoadmiration，andperfectlydazzledthewholebodyofhearers。
Whenthesalt—cellar，andthefowl’sbreast，andthetrifle，andthelobstersaladwereallexhausted，andcouldnotaffordstanding—roomforanothersolitarywitticism，thekeeperperformedthatverydangerousfeatwhichisstilldonewithsomeofthecaravanlions，althoughinoneinstanceitterminatedfatally，ofputtinghisheadintheanimal’smouth，andplacinghimselfentirelyatitsmercy。Boswellfrequentlypresentsamelancholyinstanceofthelamentableresultsofthisachievement，andotherkeepersandjackalshavebeenterriblylaceratedfortheirdaring。
Itisduetoourliontostate，thathecondescendedtobetrifledwith，inthemostgentlemanner，andfinallywenthomewiththeshowmaninahackcab：perfectlypeaceable，butslightlyfuddled。
Beinginacontemplativemood，wewereledtomakesomereflectionsuponthecharacterandconductofthisgenusoflionsaswewalkedhomewards，andwewerenotlonginarrivingattheconclusionthatourformerimpressionintheirfavourwasverymuchstrengthenedandconfirmedbywhatwehadrecentlyseen。Whiletheotherlionsreceivecompanyandcomplimentsinasullen，moody，nottosaysnarlingmanner，theseappearflatteredbytheattentionsthatarepaidthem；whilethoseconcealthemselvestotheutmostoftheirpowerfromthevulgargaze，thesecourtthepopulareye，and，unliketheirbrethren，whomnothingshortofcompulsionwillmovetoexertion，areeverreadytodisplaytheiracquirementstothewonderingthrong。Wehaveknownbearsofundoubtedabilitywho，whentheexpectationsofalargeaudiencehavebeenwounduptotheutmostpitch，haveperemptorilyrefusedtodance；well—taughtmonkeys，whohaveunaccountablyobjectedtoexhibitontheslackwire；andelephantsofunquestionedgenius，whohavesuddenlydeclinedtoturnthebarrel—organ；butweneveroncekneworheardofabipedlion，literaryorotherwise，—andwestateitasafactwhichishighlycreditabletothewholespecies，—who，occasionoffering，didnotseizewithavidityonanyopportunitywhichwasaffordedhim，ofperformingtohisheart’scontentonthefirstviolin。
MR。ROBERTBOLTON：THE’GENTLEMANCONNECTEDWITHTHEPRESS’
IntheparlouroftheGreenDragon，apublic—houseintheimmediateneighbourhoodofWestminsterBridge，everybodytalkspolitics，everyevening，thegreatpoliticalauthoritybeingMr。RobertBolton，anindividualwhodefineshimselfas’agentlemanconnectedwiththepress，’whichisadefinitionofpeculiarindefiniteness。
Mr。RobertBolton’sregularcircleofadmirersandlistenersareanundertaker，agreengrocer，ahairdresser，abaker，alargestomachsurmountedbyaman’shead，andplacedonthetopoftwoparticularlyshortlegs，andathinmaninblack，name，profession，andpursuitunknown，whoalwayssitsinthesameposition，alwaysdisplaysthesamelong，vacantface，andneveropenshislips，surroundedasheisbymostenthusiasticconversation，excepttopuffforthavolumeoftobaccosmoke，orgiveventtoaverysnappy，loud，andshrillHEM!Theconversationsometimesturnsuponliterature，Mr。Boltonbeingaliterarycharacter，andalwaysuponsuchnewsofthedayasisexclusivelypossessedbythattalentedindividual。Ifoundmyself（ofcourse，accidentally）intheGreenDragontheotherevening，and，beingsomewhatamusedbythefollowingconversation，preservedit。
’Canyoulendmeaten—poundnotetillChristmas？’inquiredthehairdresserofthestomach。
’Where’syoursecurity，Mr。Clip？’
’Mystockintrade，—there’senoughofit，I’mthinking，Mr。
Thicknesse。Somefiftywigs，twopoles，half—a—dozenheadblocks，andadeadBruin。’
’No，Iwon’t，then，’growledoutThicknesse。’IlendsnothingonthesecurityofthewhigsorthePoleseither。Asforwhigs，they’recheats；asforthePoles，they’vegotnocash。Ineverhavenothingtodowithblockheads，unlessIcan’tawoidit（ironically），andadeadbear’saboutasmuchusetomeasIcouldbetoadeadbear。’
’Well，then，’urgedtheother，’there’sabookasbelongedtoPope，Byron’sPoems，valuedatfortypounds，becauseit’sgotPope’sidenticalscratchontheback；whatdoyouthinkofthatforsecurity？’
’Well，tobesure!’criedthebaker。’Buthowd’yemean，Mr。
Clip？’
’Mean!why，thatit’sgottheHOTTERGRUFFofPope。
\"Stealnotthisbook，forfearofhangman’srope；
ForitbelongstoAlexanderPope。\"
Allthat’swrittenontheinsideofthebindingofthebook；so，asmysonsays，we’reBOUNDtobelieveit。’
’Well，sir，’observedtheundertaker，deferentially，andinahalf—
whisper，leaningoverthetable，andknockingoverthehairdresser’sgrogashespoke，’thatargument’sveryeasyupset。’
’Perhaps，sir，’saidClip，alittleflurried，’you’llpayforthefirstupsetaforeyouthinksofanother。’
’Now，’saidtheundertaker，bowingamicablytothehairdresser，’I
THINK，IsaysITHINK—you’llexcuseme，Mr。Clip，ITHINK，yousee，thatwon’tgodownwiththepresentcompany—unfortunately，mymasterhadthehonourofmakingthecoffinofthatereLord’shousemaid，notnomorenortwentyyearago。Don’tthinkI’mproudonit，gentlemen；othersmightbe；butIhaterankofanysort。
I’venomorerespectforaLord’sfootmanthanIhaveforanyrespectabletradesmaninthisroom。ImaysaynomorenorIhaveforMr。Clip!（bowing）。Therefore，thatereLordmusthavebeenbornlongafterPopedied。Andit’salogicalinterferencetodefer，thattheyneitherofthemlivedatthesametime。SowhatI
meanisthishere，thatPopeneverhadnobook，neverseed，felt，neversmeltnobook（triumphantly）asbelongedtothatereLord。
And，gentlemen，whenIconsiderhowpatientlyyouhave’earedtheideaswhatIhaveexpressed，Ifeelbound，asthebestwaytorewardyouforthekindnessyouhaveexhibited，tositdownwithoutsayinganythingmore—particklerasIperceiveaworthiervisitornormyselfisjustentered。Iamnotinthehabitofpayingcompliments，gentlemen；whenIdo，therefore，IhopeIstrikeswithdoubleforce。’
’Ah，Mr。Murgatroyd!what’sallthisaboutstrikingwithdoubleforce？’saidtheobjectoftheaboveremark，asheentered。’I
neverexcuseaman’sgettingintoarageduringwinter，evenwhenhe’sseatedsoclosetothefireasyouare。Itisveryinjudicioustoputyourselfintosuchaperspiration。Whatisthecauseofthisextremephysicalandmentalexcitement，sir？’
SuchwastheveryphilosophicaladdressofMr。RobertBolton，ashorthand—writer，ashetermedhimself—abitofequivoquepassingcurrentamonghisfraternity，whichmustgivetheuninitiatedavastideaoftheestablishmentoftheministerialorgan，whiletotheinitiateditsignifiesthatnoonepapercanlayclaimtotheenjoymentoftheirservices。Mr。Boltonwasayoungman，withasomewhatsicklyandverydissipatedexpressionofcountenance。Hishabilimentswerecomposedofanexquisiteunionofgentility，slovenliness，assumption，simplicity，NEWNESS，andoldage。Halfofhimwasdressedforthewinter，theotherhalfforthesummer。
Hishatwasofthenewestcut，theD’Orsay；histrousershadbeenwhite，buttheinroadsofmudandink，etc。，hadgiventhemapie—
baldappearance；roundhisthroatheworeaveryhighblackcravat，ofthemosttyrannicalstiffness；whilehisTOUTENSEMBLEwashiddenbeneaththeenormousfoldsofanoldbrownpoodle—collaredgreat—coat，whichwascloselybuttoneduptotheaforesaidcravat。
Hisfingerspeepedthroughtheendsofhisblackkidgloves，andtwoofthetoesofeachfoottookasimilarviewofsocietythroughtheextremitiesofhishigh—lows。Sacredtothebarewallsofhisgarretbethemysteriesofhisinteriordress!Hewasashort，spareman，ofasomewhatinferiordeportment。Everybodyseemedinfluencedbyhisentryintotheroom，andhissalutationofeachmemberpartookofthepatronizing。Thehairdressermadewayforhimbetweenhimselfandthestomach。Aminuteafterwardshehadtakenpossessionofhispintandpipe。Apauseintheconversationtookplace。Everybodywaswaiting，anxiousforhisfirstobservation。
’HorridmurderinWestminsterthismorning，’observedMr。Bolton。
Everybodychangedtheirpositions。Alleyeswerefixeduponthemanofparagraphs。
’Abakermurderedhissonbyboilinghiminacopper，’saidMr。
Bolton。
’Goodheavens!’exclaimedeverybody，insimultaneoushorror。
’Boiledhim，gentlemen!’addedMr。Bolton，withthemosteffectiveemphasis；’BOILEDhim!’
’Andtheparticulars，Mr。B。，’inquiredthehairdresser，’theparticulars？’
Mr。Boltontookaverylongdraughtofporter，andsometwoorthreedozenwhiffsoftobacco，doubtlesstoinstilintothecommercialcapacitiesofthecompanythesuperiorityofagentlemenconnectedwiththepress，andthensaid—
’Themanwasabaker，gentlemen。’（Everyonelookedatthebakerpresent，whostaredatBolton。）’Hisvictim，beinghisson，alsowasnecessarilythesonofabaker。Thewretchedmurdererhadawife，whomhewasfrequentlyinthehabit，whileinanintoxicatedstate，ofkicking，pummelling，flingingmugsat，knockingdown，andhalf—killingwhileinbed，byinsertinginhermouthaconsiderableportionofasheetorblanket。’
Thespeakertookanotherdraught，everybodylookedateverybodyelse，andexclaimed，’Horrid!’
’Itappearsinevidence，gentlemen，’continuedMr。Bolton，’that，ontheeveningofyesterday，Sawyerthebakercamehomeinareprehensiblestateofbeer。Mrs。S。，connubiallyconsiderate，carriedhiminthatconditionup—stairsintohischamber，andconsignedhimtotheirmutualcouch。Inaminuteortwoshelaysleepingbesidethemanwhomthemorrow’sdawnbeheldamurderer!’
（Entiresilenceinformedthereporterthathispicturehadattainedtheawfuleffecthedesired。）’Thesoncamehomeaboutanhourafterwards，openedthedoor，andwentuptobed。Scarcely（gentlemen，conceivehisfeelingsofalarm），scarcelyhadhetakenoffhisindescribables，whenshrieks（tohisexperiencedearMATERNALshrieks）scaredthesilenceofsurroundingnight。Heputhisindescribablesonagain，andrandown—stairs。Heopenedthedooroftheparentalbed—chamber。Hisfatherwasdancinguponhismother。Whatmusthavebeenhisfeelings!Intheagonyoftheminuteherushedathismaleparentashewasabouttoplungeaknifeintothesideofhisfemale。Themothershrieked。Thefathercaughttheson（whohadwrestedtheknifefromthepaternalgrasp）upinhisarms，carriedhimdown—stairs，shovedhimintoacopperofboilingwateramongsomelinen，closedthelid，andjumpeduponthetopofit，inwhichpositionhewasfoundwithaferociouscountenancebythemother，whoarrivedinthemelancholywash—housejustashehadsosettledhimself。
’\"Where’smyboy？\"shriekedthemother。
’\"Inthatcopper，boiling，\"coollyrepliedthebenignfather。
’Struckbytheawfulintelligence，themotherrushedfromthehouse，andalarmedtheneighbourhood。Thepoliceenteredaminuteafterwards。Thefather，havingboltedthewash—housedoor，hadboltedhimself。Theydraggedthelifelessbodyoftheboiledbakerfromthecauldron，and，withapromptitudecommendableinmenoftheirstation，theyimmediatelycarriedittothestation—house。
Subsequently，thebakerwasapprehendedwhileseatedonthetopofalamp—postinParliamentStreet，lightinghispipe。’
ThewholehorribleidealityoftheMysteriesofUdolpho，condensedintothepithyeffectofaten—lineparagraph，couldnotpossiblyhavesoaffectedthenarrator’sauditory。Silence，thepurestandmostnobleofallkindsofapplause，boreampletestimonytothebarbarityofthebaker，aswellastoBolton’sknackofnarration；
anditwasonlybrokenaftersomeminuteshadelapsedbyinterjectionalexpressionsoftheintenseindignationofeverymanpresent。ThebakerwonderedhowaBritishbakercouldsodisgracehimselfandthehighlyhonourablecallingtowhichhebelonged；andtheothersindulgedinavarietyofwondermentsconnectedwiththesubject；amongwhichnottheleastwondermentwasthatwhichwasawakenedbythegeniusandinformationofMr。RobertBolton，who，afteraglowingeulogiumonhimself，andhisunspeakableinfluencewiththedailypress，wasproceeding，withamostsolemncountenance，toheartheprosandconsofthePopeautographquestion，whenItookupmyhat，andleft。
FAMILIAREPISTLEFROMAPARENTTOACHILD
AGEDTWOYEARSANDTWOMONTHS
MYCHILD，TorecountwithwhattroubleIhavebroughtyouup—withwhatananxiouseyeIhaveregardedyourprogress，—howlateandhowoftenIhavesatupatnightworkingforyou，—andhowmanythousandlettersIhavereceivedfrom，andwrittentoyourvariousrelationsandfriends，manyofwhomhavebeenofaquerulousandirritableturn，—todwellontheanxietyandtendernesswithwhichIhave（asfarasIpossessedthepower）inspectedandchosenyourfood；
rejectingtheindigestibleandheavymatterwhichsomeinjudiciousbutwell—meaningoldladieswouldhavehadyouswallow，andretainingonlythoselightandpleasantarticleswhichIdeemedcalculatedtokeepyoufreefromallgrosshumours，andtorenderyouanagreeablechild，andonewhomightbepopularwithsocietyingeneral，—todilateonthesteadinesswithwhichIhavepreventedyourannoyinganycompanybytalkingpolitics—alwaysassuringyouthatyouwouldthankmeforityourselfsomedaywhenyougrewolder，—toexpatiate，inshort，uponmyownassiduityasaparent，isbesidemypresentpurpose，thoughIcannotbutcontemplateyourfairappearance—yourrobusthealth，andunimpededcirculation（whichItaketobethegreatsecretofyourgoodlooks）withouttheliveliestsatisfactionanddelight。
Itisatriteobservation，andonewhich，youngasyouare，Ihavenodoubtyouhaveoftenheardrepeated，thatwehavefallenuponstrangetimes，andliveindaysofconstantshiftingsandchanges。
Ihadamelancholyinstanceofthisonlyaweekortwosince。I
wasreturningfromManchestertoLondonbytheMailTrain，whenI
suddenlyfellintoanothertrain—amixedtrain—ofreflection，occasionedbythedejectedanddisconsolatedemeanourofthePost—
OfficeGuard。Wewerestoppingatsomestationwheretheytakeinwater，whenhedismountedslowlyfromthelittleboxinwhichhesitsinghastlymockeryofhisoldconditionwithpistolandblunderbussbesidehim，readytoshootthefirsthighwayman（orrailwayman）whoshallattempttostopthehorses，whichnowtravel（whentheytravelatall）INSIDEandinaportablestableinventedforthepurpose，—hedismounted，Isay，slowlyandsadly，fromhispost，andlookingmournfullyabouthimasifindismalrecollectionoftheoldroadsidepublic—housetheblazingfire—theglassoffoamingale—thebuxomhandmaidandadmiringhangers—onoftap—
roomandstable，allhonouredbyhisnotice；and，retiringalittleapart，stoodleaningagainstasignal—post，surveyingtheenginewithalookofcombinedafflictionanddisgustwhichnowordscandescribe。Hisscarletcoatandgoldenlaceweretarnishedwithignoblesmoke；flakesofsoothadfallenonhisbrightgreenshawl—hisprideindaysofyore—thesteamcondensedinthetunnelfromwhichwehadjustemerged，shoneuponhishatlikerain。Hiseyebetokenedthathewasthinkingofthecoachman；andasitwanderedtohisownseatandhisownfast—fadinggarb，itwasplaintoseethathefelthisofficeandhimselfhadalikenobusinessthere，andwerenothingbutanelaboratepracticaljoke。
Aswewhirledaway，Iwasledinsensiblyintoananticipationofthosedaystocome，whenmail—coachguardsshallnolongerbejudgesofhorse—flesh—whenamail—coachguardshallneverevenhaveseenahorse—whenstationsshallhavesupersededstables，andcornshallhavegivenplacetocoke。’Inthosedawningtimes，’
thoughtI，’exhibition—roomsshallteemwithportraitsofHerMajesty’sfavouriteengine，withboilersafterNaturebyfutureLandseers。SomeAmburgh，yetunborn，shallbreakwildhorsesbyhismagicpower；andinthedressofamail—coachguardexhibithisTRAINEDANIMALSinamockmail—coach。Then，shallwonderingcrowdsobservehowthat，withtheexceptionofhiswhip，itisallhiseye；andcrownedheadsshallseethemfedonoats，andstandaloneunmovedandundismayed，whilecountersfleeaffrightedwhenthecoursersneigh!’
Such，mychild，werethereflectionsfromwhichIwasonlyawakenedthen，asIamnow，bythenecessityofattendingtomattersofpresentthoughminorimportance。Ioffernoapologytoyouforthedigression，foritbringsmeverynaturallytothesubjectofchange，whichistheverysubjectofwhichIdesiretotreat。
Infact，mychild，youhavechangedhands。HenceforthIresignyoutotheguardianshipandprotectionofoneofmymostintimateandvaluedfriends，Mr。Ainsworth，withwhom，andwithyou，mybestwishesandwarmestfeelingswilleverremain。Ireapnogainorprofitbypartingfromyou，norwillanyconveyanceofyourpropertyberequired，for，inthisrespect，youhavealwaysbeenliterally’Bentley’s’Miscellany，andnevermine。
UnlikethedriveroftheoldManchestermail，Iregardthisalteredstateofthingswithfeelingsofunmingledpleasureandsatisfaction。
UnliketheguardofthenewManchestermail，YOURguardisathomeinhisnewplace，andhasroysteringhighwaymenandgallantdesperadoeseverwithincall。AndifImightcompareyou，mychild，toanengine；（notaToryengine，noraWhigengine，butabriskandrapidlocomotive；）yourfriendsandpatronstopassengers；andhewhonowstandstowardsyouINLOCOPARENTISastheskilfulengineerandsupervisorofthewhole，Iwouldhumblycraveleavetopostponethedepartureofthetrainonitsnewandauspiciouscourseforonebriefinstant，while，withhatinhand，I
approachsidebysidewiththefriendwhotravelledwithmeontheoldroad，andpresumetosolicitfavourandkindnessinbehalfofhimandhisnewcharge，bothfortheirsakesandthatoftheoldcoachman，Boz。