Audireestoperaepretium，prcedererecteQuimaechisnonvultis。——HOR。Sat。i。2，37。
—Metuatdotideprensa。——Ibid。
TOTHERIGHTHONOURABLERALPH，EARLOFMOUNTAGUE，ETC。
MyLord，——Whethertheworldwillarraignmeofvanityornot，thatI
havepresumedtodedicatethiscomedytoyourlordship，Iamyetindoubt；though，itmaybe，itissomedegreeofvanityeventodoubtofit。Onewhohasatanytimehadthehonourofyourlordship’sconversation，cannotbesupposedtothinkverymeanlyofthatwhichhewouldprefertoyourperusal。Yetitweretoincurtheimputationoftoomuchsufficiencytopretendtosuchameritasmightabidethetestofyourlordship’scensure。
Whatevervaluemaybewantingtothisplaywhileyetitismine，willbesufficientlymadeuptoitwhenitisoncebecomeyourlordship’s；anditismysecurity，thatIcannothaveoverrateditmorebymydedicationthanyourlordshipwilldignifyitbyyourpatronage。
Thatitsucceededonthestagewasalmostbeyondmyexpectation；forbutlittleofitwaspreparedforthatgeneraltastewhichseemsnowtobepredominantinthepalatesofouraudience。
Thosecharacterswhicharemeanttoberidiculedinmostofourcomediesareoffoolssogross，thatinmyhumbleopiniontheyshouldratherdisturbthandivertthewell—naturedandreflectingpartofanaudience；theyareratherobjectsofcharitythancontempt，andinsteadofmovingourmirth，theyoughtveryoftentoexciteourcompassion。
Thisreflectionmovedmetodesignsomecharacterswhichshouldappearridiculousnotsomuchthroughanaturalfolly（whichisincorrigible，andthereforenotproperforthestage）asthroughanaffectedwit：awitwhich，atthesametimethatitisaffected，isalsofalse。Asthereissomedifficultyintheformationofacharacterofthisnature，sothereissomehazardwhichattendstheprogressofitssuccessuponthestage：formanycometoaplaysooverchargedwithcriticism，thattheyveryoftenletflytheircensure，whenthroughtheirrashnesstheyhavemistakentheiraim。
ThisIhadoccasionlatelytoobserve：forthisplayhadbeenactedtwoorthreedaysbeforesomeofthesehastyjudgescouldfindtheleisuretodistinguishbetwixtthecharacterofaWitwoudandaTruewit。
Imustbegyourlordship’spardonforthisdigressionfromthetruecourseofthisepistle；butthatitmaynotseemaltogetherimpertinent，IbegthatImaypleadtheoccasionofit，inpartofthatexcuseofwhichIstandinneed，forrecommendingthiscomedytoyourprotection。Itisonlybythecountenanceofyourlordship，andtheFEWsoqualified，thatsuchwhowritewithcareandpainscanhopetobedistinguished：fortheprostitutednameofpoetpromiscuouslylevelsallthatbearit。
Terence，themostcorrectwriterintheworld，hadaScipioandaLelius，ifnottoassisthim，atleasttosupporthiminhisreputation。Andnotwithstandinghisextraordinarymerit，itmaybetheircountenancewasnotmorethannecessary。
Thepurityofhisstyle，thedelicacyofhisturns，andthejustnessofhischaracters，wereallofthembeautieswhichthegreaterpartofhisaudiencewereincapableoftasting。SomeofthecoarseststrokesofPlautus，soseverelycensuredbyHorace，weremorelikelytoaffectthemultitude；such，whocomewithexpectationtolaughatthelastactofaplay，andarebetterentertainedwithtwoorthreeunseasonablejeststhanwiththeartfulsolutionofthefable。
AsTerenceexcelledinhisperformances，sohadhegreatadvantagestoencouragehisundertakings，forhebuiltmostonthefoundationsofMenander：hisplotsweregenerallymodelled，andhischaractersreadydrawntohishand。HecopiedMenander；andMenanderhadnolesslightintheformationofhischaractersfromtheobservationsofTheophrastus，ofwhomhewasadisciple；andTheophrastus，itisknown，wasnotonlythedisciple，buttheimmediatesuccessorofAristotle，thefirstandgreatestjudgeofpoetry。Theseweregreatmodelstodesignby；andthefurtheradvantagewhichTerencepossessedtowardsgivinghisplaysthedueornamentsofpurityofstyle，andjustnessofmanners，wasnotlessconsiderablefromthefreedomofconversationwhichwaspermittedhimwithLeliusandScipio，twoofthegreatestandmostpolitemenofhisage。And，indeed，theprivilegeofsuchaconversationistheonlycertainmeansofattainingtotheperfectionofdialogue。
IfithashappenedinanypartofthiscomedythatIhavegainedaturnofstyleorexpressionmorecorrect，oratleastmorecorrigible，thaninthosewhichIhaveformerlywritten，Imust，withequalprideandgratitude，ascribeittothehonourofyourlordship’sadmittingmeintoyourconversation，andthatofasocietywhereeverybodyelsewassowellworthyofyou，inyourretirementlastsummerfromthetown：foritwasimmediatelyafter，thatthiscomedywaswritten。IfIhavefailedinmyperformance，itisonlytoberegretted，wherethereweresomanynotinferioreithertoaScipiooraLelius，thatthereshouldbeonewantingequalincapacitytoaTerence。
IfIamnotmistaken，poetryisalmosttheonlyartwhichhasnotyetlaidclaimtoyourlordship’spatronage。Architectureandpainting，tothegreathonourofourcountry，haveflourishedunderyourinfluenceandprotection。Inthemeantime，poetry，theeldestsisterofallarts，andparentofmost，seemstohaveresignedherbirthright，byhavingneglectedtopayherdutytoyourlordship，andbypermittingothersofalaterextractiontoprepossessthatplaceinyouresteem，towhichnonecanpretendabettertitle。
Poetry，initsnature，issacredtothegoodandgreat：therelationbetweenthemisreciprocal，andtheyareeverpropitioustoit。Itistheprivilegeofpoetrytoaddressthem，anditistheirprerogativealonetogiveitprotection。
Thisreceivedmaximisageneralapologyforallwriterswhoconsecratetheirlabourstogreatmen：butIcouldwish，atthistime，thatthisaddresswereexemptedfromthecommonpretenceofalldedications；andthatasIcandistinguishyourlordshipevenamongthemostdeserving，sothisofferingmightbecomeremarkablebysomeparticularinstanceofrespect，whichshouldassureyourlordshipthatIam，withallduesenseofyourextremeworthinessandhumanity，mylord，yourlordship’smostobedientandmostobligedhumbleservant，WILL。CONGREVE。
PROLOGUE——SpokenbyMr。Betterton。
Ofthosefewfools，whowithillstarsarecurst，Surescribblingfools，calledpoets，faretheworst：
Forthey’reasortoffoolswhichfortunemakes，And，aftershehasmade’emfools，forsakes。
WithNature’soafs’tisquiteadiff’rentcase，ForFortunefavoursallheridiotrace。
Inherownnestthecuckooeggswefind，O’erwhichshebroodstohatchthechangelingkind：
Noportionforherownshehastospare，Somuchshedotesonheradoptedcare。
Poetsarebubbles，bythetowndrawnin，Sufferedatfirstsometriflingstakestowin：
Butwhatunequalhazardsdotheyrun!
Eachtimetheywritetheyventureallthey’vewon：
TheSquirethat’sbutteredstill，issuretobeundone。
Thisauthor，heretofore，hasfoundyourfavour，Butpleadsnomeritfromhispastbehaviour。
Tobuildonthatmightproveavainpresumption，Shouldgrantstopoetsmadeadmitresumption，AndinParnassushemustlosehisseat，Ifthatbefoundaforfeitedestate。
Heowns，withtoilhewroughtthefollowingscenes，Butifthey’renaughtne’ersparehimforhispains：
Damnhimthemore；havenocommiserationFordulnessonmaturedeliberation。
Heswearshe’llnotresentonehissed—offscene，Nor，likethosepeevishwits，hisplaymaintain，Who，toasserttheirsense，yourtastearraign。
Someplotwethinkhehas，andsomenewthought；
Somehumourtoo，nofarce——butthat’safault。
Satire，hethinks，yououghtnottoexpect；
Forsoreformedatownwhodarescorrect？
Toplease，thistime，hasbeenhissolepretence，He’llnotinstruct，lestitshouldgiveoffence。
Shouldhebychanceaknaveorfoolexpose，Thathurtsnonehere，sureherearenoneofthose。
Inshort，ourplayshall（withyourleavetoshowit）
Giveyouoneinstanceofapassivepoet，Whotoyourjudgmentsyieldsallresignation：
Sosaveordamn，afteryourowndiscretion。
DRAMATISPERSONAE。
MEN。
FAINALL，inlovewithMrs。Marwood，——Mr。BettertonMIRABELL，inlovewithMrs。Millamant，——Mr。VerbruggenWITWOUD，followerofMrs。Millamant，——Mr。BowenPETULANT，followerofMrs。Millamant，——Mr。BowmanSIRWILFULLWITWOUD，halfbrothertoWitwoud，andnephewtoLadyWishfort，——Mr。UnderhillWAITWELL，servanttoMirabell，——Mr。BrightWOMEN。
LADYWISHFORT，enemytoMirabell，forhavingfalselypretendedlovetoher，——Mrs。LeighMRS。MILLAMANT，afinelady，niecetoLadyWishfort，andlovesMirabell，——Mrs。BracegirdleMRS。MARWOOD，friendtoMr。Fainall，andlikesMirabell，——Mrs。BarryMRS。FAINALL，daughtertoLadyWishfort，andwifetoFainall，formerlyfriendtoMirabell，——Mrs。BowmanFOIBLE，womantoLadyWishfort，——Mrs。WillisMINCING，womantoMrs。Millamant，——Mrs。PrinceDANCERS，FOOTMEN，ATTENDANTS。
SCENE：London。
Thetimeequaltothatofthepresentation。
ACTI。——SCENEI。
AChocolate—house。
MIRABELLandFAINALLrisingfromcards。BETTYwaiting。
MIRA。Youareafortunateman，Mr。Fainall。
FAIN。Havewedone？
MIRA。Whatyouplease。I’llplayontoentertainyou。
FAIN。No，I’llgiveyouyourrevengeanothertime，whenyouarenotsoindifferent；youarethinkingofsomethingelsenow，andplaytoonegligently：thecoldnessofalosinggamesterlessensthepleasureofthewinner。I’dnomoreplaywithamanthatslightedhisillfortunethanI’dmakelovetoawomanwhoundervaluedthelossofherreputation。
MIRA。Youhaveatasteextremelydelicate，andareforrefiningonyourpleasures。
FAIN。Prithee，whysoreserved？Somethinghasputyououtofhumour。
MIRA。Notatall：Ihappentobegraveto—day，andyouaregay；
that’sall。
FAIN。Confess，Millamantandyouquarrelledlastnight，afterI
leftyou；myfaircousinhassomehumoursthatwouldtemptthepatienceofaStoic。What，somecoxcombcamein，andwaswellreceivedbyher，whileyouwereby？
MIRA。WitwoudandPetulant，andwhatwasworse，heraunt，yourwife’smother，myevilgenius——ortosumupallinherownname，myoldLadyWishfortcamein。
FAIN。Oh，thereitisthen：shehasalastingpassionforyou，andwithreason。——What，thenmywifewasthere？
MIRA。Yes，andMrs。Marwoodandthreeorfourmore，whomIneversawbefore；seeingme，theyallputontheirgravefaces，whisperedoneanother，thencomplainedaloudofthevapours，andafterfellintoaprofoundsilence。
FAIN。Theyhadamindtoberidofyou。
MIRA。ForwhichreasonIresolvednottostir。Atlastthegoodoldladybrokethroughherpainfultaciturnitywithaninvectiveagainstlongvisits。Iwouldnothaveunderstoodher，butMillamantjoiningintheargument，Iroseandwithaconstrainedsmiletoldher，Ithoughtnothingwassoeasyastoknowwhenavisitbegantobetroublesome；shereddenedandIwithdrew，withoutexpectingherreply。
FAIN。Youweretoblametoresentwhatshespokeonlyincompliancewithheraunt。
MIRA。Sheismoremistressofherselfthantobeunderthenecessityofsucharesignation。
FAIN。What？thoughhalfherfortunedependsuponhermarryingwithmylady’sapprobation？
MIRA。Iwastheninsuchahumour，thatIshouldhavebeenbetterpleasedifshehadbeenlessdiscreet。
FAIN。NowIremember，Iwondernottheywerewearyofyou；lastnightwasoneoftheircabal—nights：theyhave’emthreetimesaweekandmeetbyturnsatoneanother’sapartments，wheretheycometogetherlikethecoroner’sinquest，tosituponthemurderedreputationsoftheweek。YouandIareexcluded，anditwasonceproposedthatallthemalesexshouldbeexcepted；butsomebodymovedthattoavoidscandaltheremightbeonemanofthecommunity，uponwhichmotionWitwoudandPetulantwereenrolledmembers。
MIRA。Andwhomayhavebeenthefoundressofthissect？MyLadyWishfort，Iwarrant，whopublishesherdetestationofmankind，andfullofthevigouroffifty—five，declaresforafriendandratafia；
andletposterityshiftforitself，she’llbreednomore。
FAIN。Thediscoveryofyourshamaddressestoher，toconcealyourlovetoherniece，hasprovokedthisseparation。Hadyoudissembledbetter，thingsmighthavecontinuedinthestateofnature。
MIRA。Ididasmuchasmancould，withanyreasonableconscience；I
proceededtotheverylastactofflatterywithher，andwasguiltyofasonginhercommendation。Nay，Igotafriendtoputherintoalampoon，andcomplimentherwiththeimputationofanaffairwithayoungfellow，whichIcarriedsofar，thatItoldherthemalicioustowntooknoticethatshewasgrownfatofasudden；andwhenshelayinofadropsy，persuadedhershewasreportedtobeinlabour。Thedevil’sin’t，ifanoldwomanistobeflatteredfurther，unlessamanshouldendeavourdownrightpersonallytodebauchher：andthatmyvirtueforbademe。Butforthediscoveryofthisamour，Iamindebtedtoyourfriend，oryourwife’sfriend，Mrs。Marwood。
FAIN。Whatshouldprovokehertobeyourenemy，unlessshehasmadeyouadvanceswhichyouhaveslighted？Womendonoteasilyforgiveomissionsofthatnature。
MIRA。Shewasalwaysciviltome，tilloflate。IconfessIamnotoneofthosecoxcombswhoareapttointerpretawoman’sgoodmannerstoherprejudice，andthinkthatshewhodoesnotrefuse’emeverythingcanrefuse’emnothing。
FAIN。Youareagallantman，Mirabell；andthoughyoumayhavecrueltyenoughnottosatisfyalady’slonging，youhavetoomuchgenerositynottobetenderofherhonour。Yetyouspeakwithanindifferencewhichseemstobeaffected，andconfessesyouareconsciousofanegligence。
MIRA。Youpursuetheargumentwithadistrustthatseemstobeunaffected，andconfessesyouareconsciousofaconcernforwhichtheladyismoreindebtedtoyouthanisyourwife。
FAIN。Fie，fie，friend，ifyougrowcensoriousImustleaveyou：—
I’lllookuponthegamestersinthenextroom。
MIRA。Whoarethey？
FAIN。PetulantandWitwoud。——Bringmesomechocolate。
MIRA。Betty，whatsaysyourclock？
BET。Turnedofthelastcanonicalhour，sir。
MIRA。Howpertinentlythejadeanswersme!Ha!almostonea’
clock![Lookingonhiswatch。]Oh，y’arecome!
SCENEII。
MIRABELLandFOOTMAN。
MIRA。Well，isthegrandaffairover？Youhavebeensomethingtedious。
SERV。Sir，there’ssuchcouplingatPancrasthattheystandbehindoneanother，as’twereinacountry—dance。Ourswasthelastcoupletoleadup；andnohopesappearingofdispatch，besides，theparsongrowinghoarse，wewereafraidhislungswouldhavefailedbeforeitcametoourturn；sowedroveroundtoDuke’sPlace，andtheretheywererivetedinatrice。
MIRA。So，so；youaresuretheyaremarried？
SERV。Marriedandbedded，sir；Iamwitness。
MIRA。Haveyouthecertificate？
SERV。Hereitis，sir。
MIRA。HasthetailorbroughtWaitwell’sclotheshome，andthenewliveries？
SERV。Yes，sir。
MIRA。That’swell。Doyougohomeagain，d’yehear，andadjourntheconsummationtillfartherorder；bidWaitwellshakehisears，andDamePartletrustleupherfeathers，andmeetmeatonea’clockbyRosamond’spond，thatImayseeherbeforeshereturnstoherlady。And，asyoutenderyourears，besecret。
SCENEIII。
MIRABELL，FAINALL，BETTY。
FAIN。Joyofyoursuccess，Mirabell；youlookpleased。
MIRA。Ay；Ihavebeenengagedinamatterofsomesortofmirth，whichisnotyetripefordiscovery。Iamgladthisisnotacabal—
night。Iwonder，Fainall，thatyouwhoaremarried，andofconsequenceshouldbediscreet，willsufferyourwifetobeofsuchaparty。
FAIN。Faith，Iamnotjealous。Besides，mostwhoareengagedarewomenandrelations；andforthemen，theyareofakindtoocontemptibletogivescandal。
MIRA。Iamofanotheropinion：thegreaterthecoxcomb，alwaysthemorethescandal；forawomanwhoisnotafoolcanhavebutonereasonforassociatingwithamanwhoisone。
FAIN。AreyoujealousasoftenasyouseeWitwoudentertainedbyMillamant？
MIRA。OfherunderstandingIam，ifnotofherperson。
FAIN。Youdoherwrong；for，togiveherherdue，shehaswit。
MIRA。Shehasbeautyenoughtomakeanymanthinkso，andcomplaisanceenoughnottocontradicthimwhoshalltellherso。
FAIN。Forapassionatelovermethinksyouareamansomewhattoodiscerninginthefailingsofyourmistress。
MIRA。Andforadiscerningmansomewhattoopassionatealover，forIlikeherwithallherfaults；nay，likeherforherfaults。Herfolliesaresonatural，orsoartful，thattheybecomeher，andthoseaffectationswhichinanotherwomanwouldbeodiousservebuttomakehermoreagreeable。I’lltellthee，Fainall，sheonceusedmewiththatinsolencethatinrevengeItookhertopieces，siftedher，andseparatedherfailings：Istudied’emandgot’embyrote。
ThecataloguewassolargethatIwasnotwithouthopes，onedayorother，tohateherheartily。TowhichendIsousedmyselftothinkof’em，thatatlength，contrarytomydesignandexpectation，theygavemeeveryhourlessandlessdisturbance，tillinafewdaysitbecamehabitualtometoremember’emwithoutbeingdispleased。
Theyarenowgrownasfamiliartomeasmyownfrailties，andinallprobabilityinalittletimelongerIshalllike’emaswell。
FAIN。Marryher，marryher；behalfaswellacquaintedwithhercharmsasyouarewithherdefects，and，mylifeon’t，youareyourownmanagain。
MIRA。Sayyouso？
FAIN。Ay，ay；Ihaveexperience。Ihaveawife，andsoforth。
SCENEIV。
[Tothem]MESSENGER。
MESS。IsoneSquireWitwoudhere？
BET。Yes；what’syourbusiness？
MESS。Ihavealetterforhim，fromhisbrotherSirWilfull，whichIamchargedtodeliverintohisownhands。
BET。He’sinthenextroom，friend。Thatway。
SCENEV。
MIRABELL，FAINALL，BETTY。
MIRA。What，isthechiefofthatnoblefamilyintown，SirWilfullWitwoud？
FAIN。Heisexpectedto—day。Doyouknowhim？
MIRA。Ihaveseenhim；hepromisestobeanextraordinaryperson。
Ithinkyouhavethehonourtoberelatedtohim。
FAIN。Yes；heishalf—brothertothisWitwoudbyaformerwife，whowassistertomyLadyWishfort，mywife’smother。IfyoumarryMillamant，youmustcallcousinstoo。
MIRA。Ihadratherbehisrelationthanhisacquaintance。
FAIN。Hecomestotowninordertoequiphimselffortravel。
MIRA。Fortravel!WhythemanthatImeanisaboveforty。
FAIN。Nomatterforthat；’tisforthehonourofEnglandthatallEuropeshouldknowwehaveblockheadsofallages。
MIRA。Iwonderthereisnotanactofparliamenttosavethecreditofthenationandprohibittheexportationoffools。
FAIN。Bynomeans，’tisbetteras’tis；’tisbettertotradewithalittleloss，thantobequiteeatenupwithbeingoverstocked。
MIRA。Pray，arethefolliesofthisknight—errantandthoseofthesquire，hisbrother，anythingrelated？
FAIN。Notatall：Witwoudgrowsbytheknightlikeamedlargraftedonacrab。Onewillmeltinyourmouthandt’othersetyourteethonedge；oneisallpulpandtheotherallcore。
MIRA。Soonewillberottenbeforeheberipe，andtheotherwillberottenwithouteverbeingripeatall。
FAIN。SirWilfullisanoddmixtureofbashfulnessandobstinacy。
Butwhenhe’sdrunk，he’saslovingasthemonsterinTheTempest，andmuchafterthesamemanner。Togivebotherhisdue，hehassomethingofgood—nature，anddoesnotalwayswantwit。
MIRA。Notalways：butasoftenashismemoryfailshimandhiscommonplaceofcomparisons。Heisafoolwithagoodmemoryandsomefewscrapsofotherfolks’wit。Heisonewhoseconversationcanneverbeapproved，yetitisnowandthentobeendured。Hehasindeedonegoodquality：heisnotexceptious，forhesopassionatelyaffectsthereputationofunderstandingraillerythathewillconstrueanaffrontintoajest，andcalldownrightrudenessandilllanguagesatireandfire。
FAIN。Ifyouhaveamindtofinishhispicture，youhaveanopportunitytodoitatfulllength。Beholdtheoriginal。
SCENEVI。
[Tothem]WITWOUD。
WIT。Affordmeyourcompassion，mydears；pityme，Fainall，Mirabell，pityme。
MIRA。Idofrommysoul。
FAIN。Why，what’sthematter？
WIT。Nolettersforme，Betty？
BET。Didnotamessengerbringyouonebutnow，sir？
WIT。Ay；butnoother？
BET。No，sir。
WIT。That’shard，that’sveryhard。Amessenger，amule，abeastofburden，hehasbroughtmealetterfromthefoolmybrother，asheavyasapanegyricinafuneralsermon，oracopyofcommendatoryversesfromonepoettoanother。Andwhat’sworse，’tisassureaforerunneroftheauthorasanepistlededicatory。
MIRA。Afool，andyourbrother，Witwoud？
WIT。Ay，ay，myhalf—brother。Myhalf—brotherheis，nonearer，uponhonour。
MIRA。Then’tispossiblehemaybebuthalfafool。
WIT。Good，good，Mirabell，LEDROLE!Good，good，hanghim，don’tlet’stalkofhim。——Fainall，howdoesyourlady？Gad，Isayanythingintheworldtogetthisfellowoutofmyhead。IbegpardonthatIshouldaskamanofpleasureandthetownaquestionatoncesoforeignanddomestic。ButItalklikeanoldmaidatamarriage，Idon’tknowwhatIsay：butshe’sthebestwomanintheworld。
FAIN。’Tiswellyoudon’tknowwhatyousay，orelseyourcommendationwouldgoneartomakemeeithervainorjealous。
WIT。NomanintownliveswellwithawifebutFainall。Yourjudgment，Mirabell？
MIRA。Youhadbetterstepandaskhiswife，ifyouwouldbecrediblyinformed。
WIT。Mirabell!
MIRA。Ay。
WIT。Mydear，Iasktenthousandpardons。Gad，IhaveforgotwhatIwasgoingtosaytoyou。
MIRA。Ithankyouheartily，heartily。
WIT。No，butpritheeexcuseme：—mymemoryissuchamemory。
MIRA。Haveacareofsuchapologies，Witwoud；forIneverknewafoolbutheaffectedtocomplaineitherofthespleenorhismemory。
FAIN。WhathaveyoudonewithPetulant？
WIT。He’sreckoninghismoney；mymoneyitwas：Ihavenoluckto—
day。
FAIN。Youmayallowhimtowinofyouatplay，foryouaresuretobetoohardforhimatrepartee：sinceyoumonopolisethewitthatisbetweenyou，thefortunemustbehisofcourse。
MIRA。Idon’tfindthatPetulantconfessesthesuperiorityofwittobeyourtalent，Witwoud。
WIT。Come，come，youaremaliciousnow，andwouldbreeddebates。
Petulant’smyfriend，andaveryhonestfellow，andaveryprettyfellow，andhasasmattering——faithandtroth，aprettydealofanoddsortofasmallwit：nay，I’lldohimjustice。I’mhisfriend，Iwon’twronghim。Andifhehadanyjudgmentintheworld，hewouldnotbealtogethercontemptible。Come，come，don’tdetractfromthemeritsofmyfriend。
FAIN。Youdon’ttakeyourfriendtobeover—nicelybred？
WIT。No，no，hanghim，theroguehasnomannersatall，thatImustown；nomorebreedingthanabum—baily，thatIgrantyou：—’tispity；thefellowhasfireandlife。
MIRA。What，courage？
WIT。Hum，faith，Idon’tknowastothat，Ican’tsayastothat。
Yes，faith，inacontroversyhe’llcontradictanybody。
MIRA。Though’twereamanwhomhefearedorawomanwhomheloved。
WIT。Well，well，hedoesnotalwaysthinkbeforehespeaks。Wehaveallourfailings；youaretooharduponhim，youare，faith。
Letmeexcusehim，——Icandefendmostofhisfaults，exceptoneortwo；onehehas，that’sthetruthon’t，——ifheweremybrotherI
couldnotacquithim——thatindeedIcouldwishwereotherwise。
MIRA。Ay，marry，what’sthat，Witwoud？
WIT。Oh，pardonme。Exposetheinfirmitiesofmyfriend？No，mydear，excusemethere。
FAIN。What，Iwarranthe’sunsincere，or’tissomesuchtrifle。
WIT。No，no；whatifhebe？’Tisnomatterforthat，hiswitwillexcusethat。Awitshouldnomorebesincerethanawomanconstant：
onearguesadecayofparts，ast’otherofbeauty。
MIRA。Maybeyouthinkhimtoopositive？
WIT。No，no；hisbeingpositiveisanincentivetoargument，andkeepsupconversation。
FAIN。Tooilliterate？
WIT。That？That’shishappiness。Hiswantoflearninggiveshimthemoreopportunitiestoshowhisnaturalparts。
MIRA。Hewantswords？
WIT。Ay；butIlikehimforthatnow：forhiswantofwordsgivesmethepleasureveryoftentoexplainhismeaning。
FAIN。He’simpudent？
WIT。Nothat’snotit。
MIRA。Vain？
WIT。No。
MIRA。What，hespeaksunseasonabletruthssometimes，becausehehasnotwitenoughtoinventanevasion？
WIT。Truths？Ha，ha，ha!No，no，sinceyouwillhaveit，Imeanheneverspeakstruthatall，that’sall。Hewilllielikeachambermaid，orawomanofquality’sporter。Nowthatisafault。
SCENEVII。
[Tothem]COACHMAN。
COACH。IsMasterPetulanthere，mistress？
BET。Yes。
COACH。Threegentlewomeninacoachwouldspeakwithhim。
FAIN。ObravePetulant!Three!
BET。I’lltellhim。
COACH。Youmustbringtwodishesofchocolateandaglassofcinnamonwater。
SCENEVIII。
MIRABELL，FAINALL，WITWOUD。
WIT。Thatshouldbefortwofastingstrumpets，andabawdtroubledwithwind。Nowyoumayknowwhatthethreeare。
MIRA。Youareveryfreewithyourfriend’sacquaintance。
WIT。Ay，ay；friendshipwithoutfreedomisasdullaslovewithoutenjoymentorwinewithouttoasting：buttotellyouasecret，thesearetrullswhomheallowscoach—hire，andsomethingmorebytheweek，tocallonhimonceadayatpublicplaces。
MIRA。How!
WIT。Youshallseehewon’tgoto’embecausethere’snomorecompanyheretotakenoticeofhim。Why，thisisnothingtowhatheusedtodo：—beforehefoundoutthisway，Ihaveknownhimcallforhimself—
FAIN。Callforhimself？Whatdostthoumean？
WIT。Mean？Whyhewouldslipyououtofthischocolate—house，justwhenyouhadbeentalkingtohim。Assoonasyourbackwasturned——
whiphewasgone；thentriptohislodging，claponahoodandscarfandamask，slapintoahackney—coach，anddrivehithertothedooragaininatrice；wherehewouldsendinforhimself；thatImean，callforhimself，waitforhimself，nay，andwhat’smore，notfindinghimself，sometimesleavealetterforhimself。
MIRA。Iconfessthisissomethingextraordinary。Ibelievehewaitsforhimselfnow，heissolongacoming；oh，Iaskhispardon。
SCENEIX。
PETULANT，MIRABELL，FAINALL，WITWOUD，BETTY。
BET。Sir，thecoachstays。
PET。Well，well，Icome。’Sbud，amanhadasgoodbeaprofessedmidwifeasaprofessedwhoremaster，atthisrate；tobeknockedupandraisedatallhours，andinallplaces。Poxon’em，Iwon’tcome。D’yehear，tell’emIwon’tcome。Let’emsnivelandcrytheirheartsout。
FAIN。Youareverycruel，Petulant。
PET。All’sone，letitpass。Ihaveahumourtobecruel。
MIRA。Ihopetheyarenotpersonsofconditionthatyouuseatthisrate。
PET。Condition？Condition’sadriedfig，ifIamnotinhumour。
Bythishand，iftheywereyour——a——a——yourwhat—d’ee—call—’emsthemselves，theymustwaitorruboff，ifIwantappetite。
MIRA。What—d’ee—call—’ems!Whatarethey，Witwoud？
WIT。Empresses，mydear。Byyourwhat—d’ee—call—’emshemeansSultanaQueens。
PET。Ay，Roxolanas。
MIRA。Cryyoumercy。
FAIN。Witwoudsaystheyare—
PET。Whatdoeshesayth’are？
WIT。I？Fineladies，Isay。
PET。Passon，Witwoud。Harkee，bythislight，hisrelations——twoco—heiresseshiscousins，andanoldaunt，wholovescater—waulingbetterthanaconventicle。
WIT。Ha，ha，ha!Ihadamindtoseehowtheroguewouldcomeoff。
Ha，ha，ha!Gad，Ican’tbeangrywithhim，ifhehadsaidtheyweremymotherandmysisters。
MIRA。No？
WIT。No；therogue’switandreadinessofinventioncharmme，dearPetulant。
BET。Theyaregone，sir，ingreatanger。
PET。Enough，let’emtrundle。Angerhelpscomplexion，savespaint。
FAIN。Thiscontinenceisalldissembled；thisisinordertohavesomethingtobragofthenexttimehemakescourttoMillamant，andswearhehasabandonedthewholesexforhersake。
MIRA。Haveyounotleftoffyourimpudentpretensionsthereyet？I
shallcutyourthroat，sometimeorother，Petulant，aboutthatbusiness。
PET。Ay，ay，letthatpass。Thereareotherthroatstobecut。
MIRA。Meaningmine，sir？
PET。NotI——Imeannobody——Iknownothing。Butthereareunclesandnephewsintheworld——andtheymayberivals。Whatthen？All’soneforthat。
MIRA。How？Harkee，Petulant，comehither。Explain，orIshallcallyourinterpreter。
PET。Explain？Iknownothing。Why，youhaveanuncle，haveyounot，latelycometotown，andlodgesbymyLadyWishfort’s？
MIRA。True。
PET。Why，that’senough。Youandhearenotfriends；andifheshouldmarryandhaveachild，yonmaybedisinherited，ha!
MIRA。Wherehastthoustumbleduponallthistruth？
PET。All’soneforthat；why，then，sayIknowsomething。
MIRA。Come，thouartanhonestfellow，Petulant，andshaltmakelovetomymistress，thoushalt，faith。Whathastthouheardofmyuncle？
PET。I？Nothing，I。Ifthroatsaretobecut，letswordsclash。
Snug’stheword；Ishrugandamsilent。
MIRA。Oh，raillery，raillery!Come，Iknowthouartinthewomen’ssecrets。What，you’reacabalist；IknowyoustayedatMillamant’slastnightafterIwent。Wasthereanymentionmadeofmyuncleorme？Tellme；ifthouhadstbutgoodnatureequaltothywit，Petulant，TonyWitwoud，whoisnowthycompetitorinfame，wouldshowasdimbytheeasadeadwhiting’seyebyapearloforient；hewouldnomorebeseenbytheethanMercuryisbythesun：come，I’msurethouwo’ttellme。
PET。IfIdo，willyougrantmecommonsense，then，forthefuture？
MIRA。Faith，I’lldowhatIcanforthee，andI’llpraythatheav’nmaygrantittheeinthemeantime。
PET。Well，harkee。
FAIN。PetulantandyoubothwillfindMirabellaswarmarivalasalover。
WIT。Pshaw，pshaw，thatshelaughsatPetulantisplain。Andformypart，butthatitisalmostafashiontoadmireher，Ishould——
harkee——totellyouasecret，butletitgonofurtherbetweenfriends，Ishallneverbreakmyheartforher。
FAIN。How？
WIT。She’shandsome；butshe’sasortofanuncertainwoman。
FAIN。Ithoughtyouhaddiedforher。
WIT。Umh——no—
FAIN。Shehaswit。
WIT。’Tiswhatshewillhardlyallowanybodyelse。Now，demme，I
shouldhatethat，ifshewereashandsomeasCleopatra。Mirabellisnotsosureofherashethinksfor。
FAIN。Whydoyouthinkso？
WIT。Westayedprettylatetherelastnight，andheardsomethingofanuncletoMirabell，whoislatelycometotown，andisbetweenhimandthebestpartofhisestate。Mirabellandheareatsomedistance，asmyLadyWishforthasbeentold；andyouknowshehatesMirabellworsethanaquakerhatesaparrot，orthanafishmongerhatesahardfrost。WhetherthisunclehasseenMrs。Millamantornot，Icannotsay；buttherewereitemsofsuchatreatybeinginembryo；andifitshouldcometolife，poorMirabellwouldbeinsomesortunfortunatelyfobbed，i’faith。
FAIN。’TisimpossibleMillamantshouldhearkentoit。
WIT。Faith，mydear，Ican’ttell；she’sawomanandakindofahumorist。
MIRA。Andthisisthesumofwhatyoucouldcollectlastnight？
PET。Thequintessence。MaybeWitwoudknowsmore；hestayedlonger。
Besides，theynevermindhim；theysayanythingbeforehim。
MIRA。Ithoughtyouhadbeenthegreatestfavourite。
PET。Ay，tete—e—tete；butnotinpublic，becauseImakeremarks。
MIRA。Youdo？
PET。Ay，ay，pox，I’mmalicious，man。Nowhe’ssoft，youknow，theyarenotinaweofhim。Thefellow’swellbred，he’swhatyoucalla——whatd’ye—call—’em——afinegentleman，buthe’ssillywithal。
MIRA。Ithankyou，Iknowasmuchasmycuriosityrequires。
Fainall，areyoufortheMall？
FAIN。Ay，I’lltakeaturnbeforedinner。
WIT。Ay，we’llallwalkinthepark；theladiestalkedofbeingthere。
MIRA。IthoughtyouwereobligedtowatchforyourbrotherSirWilfull’sarrival。
WIT。No，no，hecomestohisaunt’s，myLadyWishfort；poxonhim，Ishallbetroubledwithhimtoo；whatshallIdowiththefool？
PET。Beghimforhisestate，thatImaybegyouafterwards，andsohavebutonetroublewithyouboth。
WIT。OrarePetulant，thouartasquickasfireinafrostymorning；thoushalttotheMallwithus，andwe’llbeverysevere。
PET。Enough；I’minahumourtobesevere。
MIRA。Areyou？Praythenwalkbyyourselves。Letnotusbeaccessorytoyourputtingtheladiesoutofcountenancewithyoursenselessribaldry，whichyouroaroutaloudasoftenastheypassbyyou，andwhenyouhavemadeahandsomewomanblush，thenyouthinkyouhavebeensevere。
PET。What，what？Thenlet’emeithershowtheirinnocencebynotunderstandingwhattheyhear，orelseshowtheirdiscretionbynothearingwhattheywouldnotbethoughttounderstand。
MIRA。Buthastnotthouthensenseenoughtoknowthatthouought’sttobemostashamedthyselfwhenthouhastputanotheroutofcountenance？
PET。NotI，bythishand：Ialwaystakeblushingeitherforasignofguiltorill—breeding。
MIRA。Iconfessyououghttothinkso。Youareintheright，thatyoumaypleadtheerrorofyourjudgmentindefenceofyourpractice。
Wheremodesty’sillmanners，’tisbutfitThatimpudenceandmalicepassforwit。
ACTII。——SCENEI。
St。James’sPark。
MRS。FAINALLandMRS。MARWOOD。
MRS。FAIN。Ay，ay，dearMarwood，ifwewillbehappy，wemustfindthemeansinourselves，andamongourselves。Menareeverinextremes；eitherdotingoraverse。Whiletheyarelovers，iftheyhavefireandsense，theirjealousiesareinsupportable：andwhentheyceasetolove（weoughttothinkatleast）theyloathe，theylookuponuswithhorroranddistaste，theymeetusliketheghostsofwhatwewere，andasfromsuch，flyfromus。
MRS。MAR。True，’tisanunhappycircumstanceoflifethatloveshouldeverdiebeforeus，andthatthemansooftenshouldoutlivethelover。Butsaywhatyouwill，’tisbettertobeleftthannevertohavebeenloved。Topassouryouthindullindifference，torefusethesweetsoflifebecausetheyoncemustleaveus，isaspreposterousastowishtohavebeenbornold，becauseweonedaymustbeold。Formypart，myyouthmaywearandwaste，butitshallneverrustinmypossession。
MRS。FAIN。Thenitseemsyoudissembleanaversiontomankindonlyincompliancetomymother’shumour。
MRS。MAR。Certainly。Tobefree，Ihavenotasteofthoseinsipiddrydiscourseswithwhichoursexofforcemustentertainthemselvesapartfrommen。Wemayaffectendearmentstoeachother，professeternalfriendships，andseemtodotelikelovers；but’tisnotinournatureslongtopersevere。Lovewillresumehisempireinourbreasts，andeveryheart，orsoonorlate，receiveandreadmithimasitslawfultyrant。
MRS。FAIN。Blessme，howhaveIbeendeceived!Why，youprofessalibertine。
MRS。MAR。Youseemyfriendshipbymyfreedom。Come，beassincere，acknowledgethatyoursentimentsagreewithmine。
MRS。FAIN。Never。
MRS。MAR。Youhatemankind？
MRS。FAIN。Heartily，inveterately。
MRS。MAR。Yourhusband？
MRS。FAIN。Mosttranscendently；ay，thoughIsayit，meritoriously。
MRS。MAR。Givemeyourhanduponit。
MRS。FAIN。There。
MRS。MAR。Ijoinwithyou；whatIhavesaidhasbeentotryyou。
MRS。FAIN。Isitpossible？Dostthouhatethosevipers，men？
MRS。MAR。Ihavedonehating’em，andamnowcometodespise’em；
thenextthingIhavetodoiseternallytoforget’em。
MRS。FAIN。TherespokethespiritofanAmazon，aPenthesilea。
MRS。MAR。AndyetIamthinkingsometimestocarrymyaversionfurther。
MRS。FAIN。How？
MRS。MAR。Faith，bymarrying；ifIcouldbutfindonethatlovedmeverywell，andwouldbethroughlysensibleofillusage，IthinkI
shoulddomyselftheviolenceofundergoingtheceremony。
MRS。FAIN。Youwouldnotmakehimacuckold？
MRS。MAR。No；butI’dmakehimbelieveIdid，andthat’sasbad。
MRS。FAIN。Whyhadnotyouasgooddoit？
MRS。MAR。Oh，ifheshouldeverdiscoverit，hewouldthenknowtheworst，andbeoutofhispain；butIwouldhavehimevertocontinueupontherackoffearandjealousy。
MRS。FAIN。Ingeniousmischief!WouldthouwertmarriedtoMirabell。
MRS。MAR。WouldIwere。
MRS。FAIN。Youchangecolour。
MRS。MAR。BecauseIhatehim。
MRS。FAIN。SodoI；butIcanhearhimnamed。Butwhatreasonhaveyoutohatehiminparticular？
MRS。MAR。Ineverlovedhim；heis，andalwayswas，insufferablyproud。
MRS。FAIN。Bythereasonyougiveforyouraversion，onewouldthinkitdissembled；foryouhavelaidafaulttohischarge，ofwhichhisenemiesmustacquithim。
MRS。MAR。Oh，thenitseemsyouareoneofhisfavourableenemies。
Methinksyoulookalittlepale，andnowyouflushagain。
MRS。FAIN。DoI？IthinkIamalittlesicko’thesudden。
MRS。MAR。Whatailsyou？
MRS。FAIN。Myhusband。Don’tyouseehim？Heturnedshortuponmeunawares，andhasalmostovercomeme。
SCENEII。
[Tothem]FAINALLandMIRABELL。
MRS。MAR。Ha，ha，ha!hecomesopportunelyforyou。
MRS。FAIN。Foryou，forhehasbroughtMirabellwithhim。
FAIN。Mydear。
MRS。FAIN。Mysoul。
FAIN。Youdon’tlookwellto—day，child。
MRS。FAIN。D’yethinkso？
MIRA。Heistheonlymanthatdoes，madam。
MRS。FAIN。Theonlymanthatwouldtellmesoatleast，andtheonlymanfromwhomIcouldhearitwithoutmortification。
FAIN。Oh，mydear，Iamsatisfiedofyourtenderness；Iknowyoucannotresentanythingfromme；especiallywhatisaneffectofmyconcern。
MRS。FAIN。Mr。Mirabell，mymotherinterruptedyouinapleasantrelationlastnight：Iwouldfainhearitout。
MIRA。Thepersonsconcernedinthataffairhaveyetatolerablereputation。IamafraidMr。Fainallwillbecensorious。
MRS。FAIN。Hehasahumourmoreprevailingthanhiscuriosity，andwillwillinglydispensewiththehearingofonescandalousstory，toavoidgivinganoccasiontomakeanotherbybeingseentowalkwithhiswife。Thisway，Mr。Mirabell，andIdarepromiseyouwillobligeusboth。
SCENEIII。
FAINALL，MRS。MARWOOD。
FAIN。Excellentcreature!Well，sure，ifIshouldlivetoberidofmywife，Ishouldbeamiserableman。
MRS。MAR。Ay？
FAIN。Forhavingonlythatonehope，theaccomplishmentofitofconsequencemustputanendtoallmyhopes，andwhatawretchishewhomustsurvivehishopes!NothingremainswhenthatdaycomesbuttositdownandweeplikeAlexanderwhenhewantedotherworldstoconquer。
MRS。MAR。Willyounotfollow’em？
FAIN。Faith，Ithinknot，MRS。MAR。Prayletus；Ihaveareason。
FAIN。Youarenotjealous？
MRS。MAR。Ofwhom？
FAIN。OfMirabell。
MRS。MAR。IfIam，isitinconsistentwithmylovetoyouthatIamtenderofyourhonour？
FAIN。Youwouldintimatethen，asiftherewereafellow—feelingbetweenmywifeandhim？
MRS。MAR。Ithinkshedoesnothatehimtothatdegreeshewouldbethought。
FAIN。Buthe，Ifear，istooinsensible。
MRS。MAR。Itmaybeyouaredeceived。
FAIN。Itmaybeso。Idonotnowbegintoapprehendit。
MRS。MAR。What？
FAIN。ThatIhavebeendeceived，madam，andyouarefalse。
MRS。MAR。ThatIamfalse？Whatmeanyou？
FAIN。ToletyouknowIseethroughallyourlittlearts。——Come，youbothlovehim，andbothhaveequallydissembledyouraversion。
Yourmutualjealousiesofoneanotherhavemadeyouclashtillyouhavebothstruckfire。Ihaveseenthewarmconfessionred’ningonyourcheeks，andsparklingfromyoureyes。
MRS。MAR。Youdomewrong。
FAIN。Idonot。’Twasformyeasetooverseeandwilfullyneglectthegrossadvancesmadehimbymywife，thatbypermittinghertobeengaged，Imightcontinueunsuspectedinmypleasures，andtakeyouoftenertomyarmsinfullsecurity。Butcouldyouthink，becausethenoddinghusbandwouldnotwake，thate’erthewatchfulloverslept？
MRS。MAR。Andwherewithalcanyoureproachme？
FAIN。Withinfidelity，withlovinganother，withloveofMirabell。
MRS。MAR。’Tisfalse。Ichallengeyoutoshowaninstancethatcanconfirmyourgroundlessaccusation。Ihatehim。
FAIN。Andwhereforedoyouhatehim？Heisinsensible，andyourresentmentfollowshisneglect。Aninstance？Theinjuriesyouhavedonehimareaproof：yourinterposinginhislove。Whatcausehadyoutomakediscoveriesofhispretendedpassion？Toundeceivethecredulousaunt，andbetheofficiousobstacleofhismatchwithMillamant？
MRS。MAR。Myobligationstomyladyurgedme：Ihadprofessedafriendshiptoher，andcouldnotseehereasynaturesoabusedbythatdissembler。
FAIN。What，wasitconsciencethen？Professedafriendship!Oh，thepiousfriendshipsofthefemalesex!
MRS。MAR。Moretender，moresincere，andmoreenduring，thanallthevainandemptyvowsofmen，whetherprofessinglovetousormutualfaithtooneanother。
FAIN。Ha，ha，ha!youaremywife’sfriendtoo。
MRS。MAR。Shameandingratitude!Doyoureproachme？You，youupbraidme？HaveIbeenfalsetoher，throughstrictfidelitytoyou，andsacrificedmyfriendshiptokeepmyloveinviolate？Andhaveyouthebasenesstochargemewiththeguilt，unmindfulofthemerit？ToyouitshouldbemeritoriousthatIhavebeenvicious。
Anddoyoureflectthatguiltuponmewhichshouldlieburiedinyourbosom？
FAIN。Youmisinterpretmyreproof。Imeantbuttoremindyouoftheslightaccountyouoncecouldmakeofstrictesttieswhensetincompetitionwithyourlovetome。
MRS。MAR。’Tisfalse，youurgeditwithdeliberatemalice。’Twasspokeinscorn，andIneverwillforgiveit。
FAIN。Yourguilt，notyourresentment，begetsyourrage。Ifyetyouloved，youcouldforgiveajealousy：butyouarestungtofindyouarediscovered。
MRS。MAR。Itshallbealldiscovered。Youtooshallbediscovered；
besureyoushall。Icanbutbeexposed。IfIdoitmyselfIshallpreventyourbaseness。
FAIN。Why，whatwillyoudo？
MRS。MAR。Discloseittoyourwife；ownwhathaspastbetweenus。
FAIN。Frenzy!
MRS。MAR。ByallmywrongsI’lldo’t。I’llpublishtotheworldtheinjuriesyouhavedoneme，bothinmyfameandfortune：withbothItrustedyou，youbankruptinhonour，asindigentofwealth。
FAIN。YourfameIhavepreserved。Yourfortunehasbeenbestowedastheprodigalityofyourlovewouldhaveit，inpleasureswhichwebothhaveshared。Yet，hadnotyoubeenfalseIhade’erthisrepaidit。’Tistrue——hadyoupermittedMirabellwithMillamanttohavestolentheirmarriage，myladyhadbeenincensedbeyondallmeansofreconcilement：Millamanthadforfeitedthemoietyofherfortune，whichthenwouldhavedescendedtomywife。AndwhereforedidImarrybuttomakelawfulprizeofarichwidow’swealth，andsquanderitonloveandyou？
MRS。MAR。Deceitandfrivolouspretence!
FAIN。Death，amInotmarried？What’spretence？AmInotimprisoned，fettered？HaveInotawife？Nay，awifethatwasawidow，ayoungwidow，ahandsomewidow，andwouldbeagainawidow，butthatIhaveaheartofproof，andsomethingofaconstitutiontobustlethroughthewaysofwedlockandthisworld。Willyouyetbereconciledtotruthandme？
MRS。MAR。Impossible。Truthandyouareinconsistent。——Ihateyou，andshallforever。
FAIN。Forlovingyou？
MRS。MAR。Iloathethenameofloveaftersuchusage；andnexttotheguiltwithwhichyouwouldasperseme，Iscornyoumost。
Farewell。
FAIN。Nay，wemustnotpartthus。
MRS。MAR。Letmego。
FAIN。Come，I’msorry。
MRS。MAR。Icarenot。Letmego。Breakmyhands，do——I’dleave’emtogetloose。
FAIN。Iwouldnothurtyoufortheworld。HaveInootherholdtokeepyouhere？
MRS。MAR。Well，Ihavedeserveditall。
FAIN。YouknowIloveyou。
MRS。MAR。Poordissembling!Oh，that——well，itisnotyet—
FAIN。What？Whatisitnot？Whatisitnotyet？Itisnotyettoolate—
MRS。MAR。No，itisnotyettoolate——Ihavethatcomfort。
FAIN。Itis，toloveanother。
MRS。MAR。Butnottoloathe，detest，abhormankind，myself，andthewholetreacherousworld。
FAIN。Nay，thisisextravagance。Come，Iaskyourpardon。Notears——Iwastoblame，Icouldnotloveyouandbeeasyinmydoubts。Prayforbear——Ibelieveyou；I’mconvincedI’vedoneyouwrong；andanyway，everywaywillmakeamends：I’llhatemywifeyetmore，damnher，I’llpartwithher，robherofallshe’sworth，andwe’llretiresomewhere，anywhere，toanotherworld；I’llmarrythee——bepacified。——’Sdeath，theycome：hideyourface，yourtears。
Youhaveamask：wearitamoment。Thisway，thisway：bepersuaded。
SCENEIV。
MIRABELLandMRS。FAINALL。
MRS。FAIN。Theyarehereyet。
MIRA。Theyareturningintotheotherwalk。
MRS。FAIN。WhileIonlyhatedmyhusband，Icouldbeartoseehim；
butsinceIhavedespisedhim，he’stoooffensive。
MIRA。Oh，youshouldhatewithprudence。
MRS。FAIN。Yes，forIhavelovedwithindiscretion。
MIRA。Youshouldhavejustsomuchdisgustforyourhusbandasmaybesufficienttomakeyourelishyourlover。
MRS。FAIN。YouhavebeenthecausethatIhavelovedwithoutbounds，andwouldyousetlimitstothataversionofwhichyouhavebeentheoccasion？Whydidyoumakememarrythisman？
MIRA。Whydowedailycommitdisagreeableanddangerousactions？
Tosavethatidol，reputation。Ifthefamiliaritiesofourloveshadproducedthatconsequenceofwhichyouwereapprehensive，wherecouldyouhavefixedafather’snamewithcreditbutonahusband？
IknewFainalltobeamanlavishofhismorals，aninterestedandprofessingfriend，afalseandadesigninglover，yetonewhosewitandoutwardfairbehaviourhavegainedareputationwiththetown，enoughtomakethatwomanstandexcusedwhohassufferedherselftobewonbyhisaddresses。Abettermanoughtnottohavebeensacrificedtotheoccasion；aworsehadnotansweredtothepurpose。
Whenyouarewearyofhimyouknowyourremedy。
MRS。FAIN。Ioughttostandinsomedegreeofcreditwithyou，Mirabell。
MIRA。Injusticetoyou，Ihavemadeyouprivytomywholedesign，andputitinyourpowertoruinoradvancemyfortune。
MRS。FAIN。Whomhaveyouinstructedtorepresentyourpretendeduncle？
MIRA。Waitwell，myservant。
MRS。FAIN。HeisanhumbleservanttoFoible，mymother’swoman，andmaywinhertoyourinterest。
MIRA。Careistakenforthat。Sheiswonandwornbythistime。
Theyweremarriedthismorning。
MRS。FAIN。Who？
MIRA。WaitwellandFoible。Iwouldnottemptmyservanttobetraymebytrustinghimtoofar。Ifyourmother，inhopestoruinme，shouldconsenttomarrymypretendeduncle，hemight，likeMoscaintheFOX，standuponterms；soImadehimsurebeforehand。
MRS。FAIN。So，ifmypoormotheriscaughtinacontract，youwilldiscovertheimposturebetimes，andreleaseherbyproducingacertificateofhergallant’sformermarriage。
MIRA。Yes，uponconditionthatsheconsenttomymarriagewithherniece，andsurrenderthemoietyofherfortuneinherpossession。
MRS。FAIN。ShetalkedlastnightofendeavouringatamatchbetweenMillamantandyouruncle。
MIRA。ThatwasbyFoible’sdirectionandmyinstruction，thatshemightseemtocarryitmoreprivately。
MRS。FAIN。Well，Ihaveanopinionofyoursuccess，forIbelievemyladywilldoanythingtogetanhusband；andwhenshehasthis，whichyouhaveprovidedforher，Isupposeshewillsubmittoanythingtogetridofhim。
MIRA。Yes，Ithinkthegoodladywouldmarryanythingthatresembledaman，though’twerenomorethanwhatabutlercouldpinchoutofanapkin。
MRS。FAIN。Femalefrailty!Wemustallcometoit，ifwelivetobeold，andfeelthecravingofafalseappetitewhenthetrueisdecayed。
MIRA。Anoldwoman’sappetiteisdepravedlikethatofagirl。
’Tisthegreen—sicknessofasecondchildhood，and，likethefaintofferofalatterspring，servesbuttousherinthefall，andwithersinanaffectedbloom。
MRS。FAIN。Here’syourmistress。