KEEGAN。Donotbeoffended，sir：Iknowthatyouarequitesincere。ThereisasayingintheScripturewhichruns——sofarasthememoryofanoldishmancancarrythewords——Letnottherightsideofyourbrainknowwhattheleftsidedoeth。IlearntatOxfordthatthisisthesecretoftheEnglishman’sstrangepowerofmakingthebestofbothworlds。
BROADBENT。Surelythetextreferstoourrightandlefthands。I
amsomewhatsurprisedtohearamemberofyourChurchquotesoessentiallyProtestantadocumentastheBible;butatleastyoumightquoteitaccurately。
LARRY。Tom：withthebestintentionsyou’remakinganassofyourself。Youdon’tunderstandMrKeegan’speculiarveinofhumor。
BROADBENT[instantlyrecoveringhisconfidence]。Ah！itwasonlyyourdelightfulIrishhumor，MrKeegan。Ofcourse，ofcourse。Howstupidofme！I’msosorry。[HepatsKeeganconsolinglyontheback]。JohnBull’switsarestillslow，yousee。Besides，callingmeahypocritewastoobigajoketoswallowallatonce，youknow。
KEEGAN。YoumustalsoallowforthefactthatIammad。
NORA。Ah，don’ttalklikethat，MrKeegan。
BROADBENT[encouragingly]。Notatall，notatall。OnlyawhimsicalIrishman，eh？
LARRY。Areyoureallymad，MrKeegan？
AUNTJUDY[shocked]。Oh，Larry，howcouldyouaskhimsuchathing？
LARRY。Idon’tthinkMrKeeganminds。[ToKeegan]What’sthetrueversionofthestoryofthatblackmanyouconfessedonhisdeathbed？
KEEGAN。Whatstoryhaveyouheardaboutthat？
LARRY。Iaminformedthatwhenthedevilcamefortheblackheathen，hetookoffyourheadandturneditthreetimesroundbeforeputtingitonagain;andthatyourhead’sbeenturnedeversince。
NORA[reproachfully]。Larry！
KEEGAN[blandly]。Thatisnotquitewhatoccurred。[Hecollectshimselfforaseriousutterance：theyattendinvoluntarily]。I
heardthatablackmanwasdying，andthatthepeoplewereafraidtogonearhim。WhenIwenttotheplaceIfoundanelderlyHindoo，whotoldmeoneofthosetalesofunmeritedmisfortune，ofcruelillluck，ofrelentlesspersecutionbydestiny，whichsometimeswitherthecommonplacesofconsolationonthelipsofapriest。Butthismandidnotcomplainofhismisfortunes。Theywerebroughtuponhim，hesaid，bysinscommittedinaformerexistence。Then，withoutawordofcomfortfromme，hediedwithaclear-eyedresignationthatmymostearnestexhortationshaverarelyproducedinaChristian，andleftmesittingtherebyhisbedsidewiththemysteryofthisworldsuddenlyrevealedtome。
BROADBENT。ThatisaremarkabletributetothelibertyofconscienceenjoyedbythesubjectsofourIndianEmpire。
LARRY。Nodoubt;butmayweventuretoaskwhatisthemysteryofthisworld？
KEEGAN。Thisworld，sir，isveryclearlyaplaceoftormentandpenance，aplacewherethefoolflourishesandthegoodandwisearehatedandpersecuted，aplacewheremenandwomentortureoneanotherinthenameoflove;wherechildrenarescourgedandenslavedinthenameofparentaldutyandeducation;wheretheweakinbodyarepoisonedandmutilatedinthenameofhealing，andtheweakincharacterareputtothehorribletortureofimprisonment，notforhoursbutforyears，inthenameofjustice。Itisaplacewherethehardesttoilisawelcomerefugefromthehorrorandtediumofpleasure，andwherecharityandgoodworksaredoneonlyforhiretoransomthesoulsofthespoilerandthesybarite。Now，sir，thereisonlyoneplaceofhorrorandtormentknowntomyreligion;andthatplaceishell。
Thereforeitisplaintomethatthisearthofoursmustbehell，andthatweareallhere，astheIndianrevealedtome——perhapshewassenttorevealittometoexpiatecrimescommittedbyusinaformerexistence。
AUNTJUDY[awestruck]。Heavensaveus，whatathingtosay！
CORNELIUS[sighing]。It’saqueerworld：that’scertain。
BROADBENT。Yourideaisaverycleverone，MrKeegan：reallymostbrilliant：Ishouldneverhavethoughtofit。Butitseemstome——ifImaysayso——thatyouareoverlookingthefactthat，oftheevilsyoudescribe，someareabsolutelynecessaryforthepreservationofsociety，andothersareencouragedonlywhentheToriesareinoffice。
LARRY。IexpectyouwereaToryinaformerexistence;andthatiswhyyouarehere。
BROADBENT[withconviction]。Never，Larry，never。Butleavingpoliticsoutofthequestion，Ifindtheworldquitegoodenoughforme：ratherajollyplace，infact。
KEEGAN[lookingathimwithquietwonder]。Youaresatisfied？
BROADBENT。Asareasonableman，yes。Iseenoevilsintheworld——except，ofcourse，naturalevils——thatcannotberemediedbyfreedom，self-government，andEnglishinstitutions。Ithinkso，notbecauseIamanEnglishman，butasamatterofcommonsense。
KEEGAN。Youfeelathomeintheworld，then？
BROADBENT。Ofcourse。Don’tyou？
KEEGAN[fromtheverydepthsofhisnature]。No。
BROADBENT[breezily]。Tryphosphoruspills。Ialwaystakethemwhenmybrainisoverworked。I’llgiveyoutheaddressinOxfordStreet。
KEEGAN[enigmatically：rising]。MissDoyle：mywanderingfithascomeonme：willyouexcuseme？
AUNTJUDY。Tobesure：youknowyoucancomeinnnoutasyoulike。
KEEGAN。Wecanfinishthegamesomeothertime，MissReilly。[Hegoesforhishatandstick。
NORA。No：I’moutwithyou[shedisarrangesthepiecesandrises]。Iwastoowickedinaformerexistencetoplaybackgammonwithagoodmanlikeyou。
AUNTJUDY[whisperingtoher]。Whisht，whisht，child！Don’tsethimbackonthatagain。
KEEGAN[toNora]。WhenIlookatyou，IthinkthatperhapsIrelandisonlypurgatory，afterall。[Hepassesontothegardendoor]。
NORA。Galongwithyou！
BROADBENT[whisperingtoCornelius]。Hasheavote？
CORNELIUS[nodding]。Yes。Anthere’slots’llvotethewayhetellsthem。
KEEGAN[atthegardendoor，withgentlegravity]。Goodevening，MrBroadbent。Youhavesetmethinking。Thankyou。
BROADBENT[delighted，hurryingacrosstohimtoshakehands]。No，really？YoufindthatcontactwithEnglishideasisstimulating，eh？
KEEGAN。Iamnevertiredofhearingyoutalk，MrBroadbent。
BROADBENT[modestlyremonstrating]。Ohcome！come！
KEEGAN。Yes，Iassureyou。Youareanextremelyinterestingman。
[Hegoesout]。
BROADBENT[enthusiastically]。Whatanicechap！Whatanintelligent，interestingfellow！Bytheway，I’dbetterhaveawash。[Hetakesuphiscoatandcap，andleavestheroomthroughtheinnerdoor]。
Norareturnstoherchairandshutsupthebackgammonboard。
AUNTJUDY。Keegan’sveryqueerto-day。Hehashismadfitonhim。
CORNELIUS[worriedandbitter]。Iwouldn’tsaybuthe’srightafterall。It’sacontrairyworld。[ToLarry]。Whywouldyoubesuchafoolastolethimtaketheseatinparliamentfromyou？
LARRY[glancingatNora]。Hewilltakemorethanthatfrommebeforehe’sdonehere。
CORNELIUS。Iwishhe’dneversetfootinmyhouse，badlucktohisfatface！D’yethinkhe’dlendme300poundsonthefarm，Larry？WhenI’msohardup，itseemsawasteomoneynottomortgageitnowit’smeown。
LARRY。Icanlendyou300poundsonit。
CORNELIUS。No，no：Iwasn’tputninforthat。WhenIdieandleaveyouthefarmIshouldliketobeabletofeelthatitwasallmeown，andnothalfyourstostartwith。NowI’lltakemeoathBarneyDoarn’sgointoaskBroadbenttolendhim500poundsonthemilltoputinanewhweel;fortheoldone’llharlyholtogether。AnHaffigancan’tsleepwithcovetnthatcornerolandatthefootofhismeddathatbelongstoDoolan。He’llhavetomortgagetobuyit。Imayaswellbefirstaslast。D’yethinkBroadbent’dlenmealittle？
LARRY。I’mquitesurehewill。
CORNELIUS。Isheasreadyasthat？Wouldhelenmefivehunderd，d’yethink？
LARRY。He’lllendyoumorethantheland’lleverbeworthtoyou;soforHeaven’ssakebeprudent。
CORNELIUS[judicially]。Allright，allright，meson：I’llbecareful。I’mgoinintotheofficeforabit。[Hewithdrawsthroughtheinnerdoor，obviouslytopreparehisapplicationtoBroadbent]。
AUNTJUDY[indignantly]。Asifhehadn’tseenenoughoborryinwhenhewasanagentwithoutbeginninborryinhimself！[Sherises]。I’llboryhim，soIwill。[Sheputsherknittingonthetableandfollowshimout，witharesoluteairthatbodestroubleforCornelius]。
LarryandNoraarelefttogetherforthefirsttimesincehisarrival。Shelooksathimwithasmilethatperishesassheseeshimaimlesslyrockinghischair，andreflecting，evidentlynotabouther，withhislipspursedasifhewerewhistling。WithacatchinherthroatshetakesupAuntJudy’sknitting，andmakesapretenceofgoingonwithit。
NORA。Isupposeitdidn’tseemverylongtoyou。
LARRY[starting]。Eh？Whatdidn’t？
NORA。Theeighteenyearsyou’vebeenaway。
LARRY。Oh，that！No：itseemshardlymorethanaweek。I’vebeensobusy——hadsolittletimetothink。
NORA。I’vehadnothinelsetodobutthink。
LARRY。Thatwasverybadforyou。Whydidn’tyougiveitup？Whydidyoustayhere？
NORA。Becausenobodysentformetogoanywhereelse，Isuppose。
That’swhy。
LARRY。Yes：onedoesstickfrightfullyinthesameplace，unlesssomeexternalforcecomesandroutsoneout。[Heyawnsslightly;
butasshelooksupquicklyathim，hepullshimselftogetherandriseswithanairofwakingupandgettingtoworkcheerfullytomakehimselfagreeable]。Andhowhaveyoubeenallthistime？
NORA。Quitewell，thankyou。
LARRY。That’sright。[Suddenlyfindingthathehasnothingelsetosay，andbeingillateaseinconsequence，hestrollsabouttheroomhummingacertaintunefromOffenbach’sWhittington]。
NORA[strugglingwithhertears]。Isthatallyouhavetosaytome，Larry？
LARRY。Well，whatistheretosay？Yousee，weknoweachothersowell。
NORA[alittleconsoled]。Yes：ofcoursewedo。[Hedoesnotreply]。Iwonderyoucamebackatall。
LARRY。Icouldn’thelpit。[Shelooksupaffectionately]。Tommademe。[Shelooksdownagainquicklytoconcealtheeffectofthisblow。Hewhistlesanotherstave;thenresumes]。IhadasortofdreadofreturningtoIreland。IfeltsomehowthatmyluckwouldturnifIcameback。AndnowhereIam，nonetheworse。
NORA。Prapsit’salittledullforyou。
LARRY。No：Ihaven’texhaustedtheinterestofstrollingabouttheoldplacesandrememberingandromancingaboutthem。
NORA[hopefully]。Oh！YouDOremembertheplaces，then？
LARRY。Ofcourse。Theyhaveassociations。
NORA[notdoubtingthattheassociationsarewithher]。Isupposeso。
LARRY。M’yes。IcanrememberparticularspotswhereIhadlongfitsofthinkingaboutthecountriesImeanttogettowhenI
escapedfromIreland。AmericaandLondon，andsometimesRomeandtheeast。
NORA[deeplymortified]。Wasthatallyouusedtobethinkingabout？
LARRY。Well，therewaspreciouslittleelsetothinkabouthere，mydearNora，exceptsometimesatsunset，whenonegotmaudlinandcalledIrelandErin，andimaginedonewasrememberingthedaysofold，andsoforth。[HewhistlesLetErinRemember]。
NORA。DidjevergetaletterIwroteyoulastFebruary？
LARRY。Ohyes;andIreallyintendedtoanswerit。ButIhaven’thadamoment;andIknewyouwouldn’tmind。Yousee，Iamsoafraidofboringyoubywritingaboutaffairsyoudon’tunderstandandpeopleyoudon’tknow！AndyetwhatelsehaveItowriteabout？Ibeginaletter;andthenItearitupagain。Thefactis，fondasweareofoneanother，Nora，wehavesolittleincommon——Imeanofcoursethethingsonecanputinaletter——
thatcorrespondenceisapttobecomethehardestofhardwork。
NORA。Yes：it’shardformetoknowanythingaboutyouifyounevertellmeanything。
LARRY[pettishly]。Nora：amancan’tsitdownandwritehislifedaybydaywhenhe’stiredenoughwithhavinglivedit。
NORA。I’mnotblamingyou。
LARRY[lookingatherwithsomeconcern]。Youseemratheroutofspirits。[Goingclosertoher，anxiouslyandtenderly]Youhaven’tgotneuralgia，haveyou？
NORA。No。
LARRY[reassured]。IgetatouchofitsometimeswhenIambelowpar。[absently，againstrollingabout]Yes，yes。[Hebeginstohumagain，andsoonbreaksintoarticulatemelody]。
Thoughsummersmilesonhereforever，Thoughnotaleaffallsfromthetree，TellEnglandI’llforgethernever，[Noraputsdawntheknittingandstaresathim]。
0windthatblowsacrossthesea。
[Withmuchexpression]
TellEnglandI’llforgetherne-e-e-e-verOwindthatblowsacro-oss——
[Herethemelodysoarsoutofhisrange。Hecontinuesfalsetto，butchangesthetunetoLetErinRemember]。I’mafraidI’mboringyou，Nora，thoughyou’retookindtosayso。
NORA。AreyouwantingtogetbacktoEnglandalready？
LARRY。Notatall。Notatall。
NORA。That’saqueersongtosingtomeifyou’renot。
LARRY。Thesong！Oh，itdoesn’tmeananything：it’sbyaGermanJew，likemostEnglishpatrioticsentiment。Nevermindme，mydear：goonwithyourwork;anddon’tletmeboreyou。
NORA[bitterly]。Rosscullenisn’tsuchalivelyplacethatIamlikelytobeboredbyyouatourfirsttalktogetheraftereighteenyears，thoughyoudon’tseemtohavemuchtosaytomeafterall。
LARRY。Eighteenyearsisadevilishlongtime，Nora。Nowifithadbeeneighteenminutes，oreveneighteenmonths，weshouldbeabletopickuptheinterruptedthread，andchatterliketwomagpies。Butasitis，Ihavesimplynothingtosay;andyouseemtohaveless。
NORA。I——[hertearschokeher;butthekeepsupappearancesdesperately]。
LARRY[quiteunconsciousofhiscruelty]。Inaweekorsoweshallbequiteoldfriendsagain。Meanwhile，asIfeelthatIamnotmakingmyselfparticularlyentertaining，I’lltakemyselfoff。TellTomI’vegoneforastrolloverthehill。
NORA。YouseemveryfondofTom，asyoucallhim。
LARRY[thetrivialitygoingsuddenlyoutofhisvoice]。YesI’mfondofTom。
NORA。Oh，well，don’tletmekeepyoufromhim。
LARRY。Iknowquitewellthatmydeparturewillbearelief。
Ratherafailure，thisfirstmeetingaftereighteenyears，eh？
Well，nevermind：thesegreatsentimentaleventsalwaysarefailures;andnowtheworstofit’soveranyhow。[Hegoesoutthroughthegardendoor]。
Nora，leftalone，struggleswildlytosaveherselffrombreakingdown，andthendropsherfaceonthetableandgiveswaytoaconvulsionofcrying。Hersobsshakehersothatshecanhearnothing;andshehasnosuspicionthatsheisnolongeraloneuntilherheadandbreastareraisedbyBroadbent，who，returningnewlywashedandcombedthroughtheinnerdoor，hasseenhercondition，firstwithsurpriseandconcern，andthenwithanemotionaldisturbancethatquiteupsetshim。
BROADBENT。MissReilly。MissReilly。What’sthematter？Don’tcry：Ican’tstandit：youmustn’tcry。[Shemakesachokedefforttospeak，sopainfulthathecontinueswithimpulsivesympathy]No：don’ttrytospeak：it’sallrightnow。Haveyourcryout：nevermindme：trustme。[Gatheringhertohim，andbabblingconsolatorily]Cryonmychest：theonlyreallycomfortableplaceforawomantocryisaman’schest：arealman，arealfriend。Agoodbroadchest，eh？notlessthanforty-twoinches——no：don’tfuss：nevermindtheconventions：
we’retwofriends，aren’twe？Comenow，come，come！It’sallrightandcomfortableandhappynow，isn’tit？
NORA[throughhertears]。Letmego。Iwantmehankerchief。
BROADBENT[holdingherwithonearmandproducingalargesilkhandkerchieffromhisbreastpocket]。Here’sahandkerchief。Letme[hedabshertearsdrywithit]。Nevermindyourown：it’stoosmall：it’soneofthosewretchedlittlecambrichandkerchiefs——
NORA[sobbing]。Indeedit’sacommoncottonone。
BROADBENT。Ofcourseit’sacommoncottonone——sillylittlecottonone——notgoodenoughforthedeareyesofNoraCryna——
NORA[splutteringintoahystericallaughandclutchinghimconvulsivelywithherfingerswhileshetriestostifleherlaughteragainsthiscollarbone]。Ohdon’tmakemelaugh：pleasedon’tmakemelaugh。
BROADBENT[terrified]。Ididn’tmeanto，onmysoul。Whatisit？
Whatisit？
NORA。NoraCreena，NoraCreena。
BROADBENT[pattingher]。Yes，yes，ofcourse，NoraCreena，Noraacushla[hemakescushrhymetoplush]。
NORA。Acushla[shemakescushrhymetobush]。
BROADBENT。Oh，confoundthelanguage！Noradarling——myNora——theNoraIlove——
NORA[shockedintopropriety]。Youmustn’ttalklikethattome。
BROADBENT[suddenlybecomingprodigiouslysolemnandlettinghergo]。No，ofcoursenot。Idon’tmeanit——atleastIdomeanit;
butIknowit’spremature。Ihadnorighttotakeadvantageofyourbeingalittleupset;butIlostmyself-controlforamoment。
NORA[wonderingathim]。Ithinkyou’reaverykindheartedman，MrBroadbent;butyouseemtometohavenoself-controlatall[sheturnsherfaceawaywithakeenpangofshameandadds]nomorethanmyself。
BROADBENT[resolutely]。Ohyes，Ihave：youshouldseemewhenI
amreallyroused：thenIhaveTREMENDOUSself-control。Remember：
wehavebeenalonetogetheronlyoncebefore;andthen，Iregrettosay，Iwasinadisgustingstate。
NORA。Ahno，MrBroadbent：youweren’tdisgusting。
BROADBENT[mercilessly]。YesIwas：nothingcanexcuseit：
perfectlybeastly。Itmusthavemadeamostunfavorableimpressiononyou。
NORA。Oh，sureit’sallright。Saynomoreaboutthat。
BROADBENT。Imust，MissReilly：itismyduty。Ishallnotdetainyoulong。MayIaskyoutositdown。[Heindicatesherchairwithoppressivesolemnity。Shesitsdownwondering。Hethen，withthesameportentousgravity，placesachairforhimselfnearher;
sitsdown;andproceedstoexplain]。First，MissReilly，mayI
saythatIhavetastednothingofanalcoholicnaturetoday。
NORA。Itdoesn’tseemtomakeasmuchdifferenceinyouasitwouldinanIrishman，somehow。
BROADBENT。Perhapsnot。Perhapsnot。Ineverquitelosemyself。
NORA[consolingly]。Well，anyhow，you’reallrightnow。
BROADBENT[fervently]。Thankyou，MissReilly：Iam。Nowweshallgetalong。[Tenderly，loweringhisvoice]Nora：Iwasinearnestlastnight。[Noramovesasiftorise]。No：onemoment。YoumustnotthinkIamgoingtopressyouforananswerbeforeyouhaveknownmefor24hours。Iamareasonableman，Ihope;andIampreparedtowaitaslongasyoulike，providedyouwillgivemesomesmallassurancethattheanswerwillnotbeunfavorable。
NORA。HowcouldIgobackfromitifIdid？Isometimesthinkyou’renotquiterightinyourhead，MrBroadbent，yousaysuchfunnythings。
BROADBENT。Yes：IknowIhaveastrongsenseofhumorwhichsometimesmakespeopledoubtwhetherIamquiteserious。ThatiswhyIhavealwaysthoughtIshouldliketomarryanIrishwoman。
Shewouldalwaysunderstandmyjokes。Forinstance，youwouldunderstandthem，eh？
NORA[uneasily]。MrBroadbent，Icouldn’t。
BROADBENT[soothingly]。Wait：letmebreakthistoyougently，MissReilly：hearmeout。IdaresayyouhavenoticedthatinspeakingtoyouIhavebeenputtingaverystrongconstraintonmyself，soastoavoidwoundingyourdelicacybytooabruptanavowalofmyfeelings。Well，Ifeelnowthatthetimehascometobeopen，tobefrank，tobeexplicit。MissReilly：youhaveinspiredinmeaverystrongattachment。Perhaps，withawoman’sintuition，youhavealreadyguessedthat。
NORA[risingdistractedly]。Whydoyoutalktomeinthatunfeelingnonsensicalway？
BROADBENT[risingalso，muchastonished]。Unfeeling！Nonsensical！
NORA。Don’tyouknowthatyouhavesaidthingstomethatnomanoughttosayunless——unless——[shesuddenlybreaksdownagainandhidesherfaceonthetableasbefore]Oh，goawayfromme：I
won’tgetmarriedatall：whatisitbutheartbreakanddisappointment？
BROADBENT[developingthemostformidablesymptomsofrageandgrief]。Doyoumeantosaythatyouaregoingtorefuseme？thatyoudon’tcareforme？
NORA[lookingathiminconsternation]。Oh，don’ttakeittoheart，MrBr——
BROADBENT[flushedandalmostchoking]。Idon’twanttobepettedandblarneyed。[Withchildishrage]Iloveyou。Iwantyouformywife。[Indespair]Ican’thelpyourrefusing。I’mhelpless：I
candonothing。Youhavenorighttoruinmywholelife。You——[ahystericalconvulsionstopshim]。
NORA[almostawestruck]。You’renotgoingtocry，areyou？I
neverthoughtamanCOULDcry。Don’t。
BROADBENT。I’mnotcrying。I——I——IleavethatsortofthingtoyourdamnedsentimentalIrishmen。YouthinkIhavenofeelingbecauseIamaplainunemotionalEnglishman，withnopowersofexpression。
NORA。Idon’tthinkyouknowthesortofmanyouareatall。
Whatevermaybethematterwithyou，it’snotwantoffeeling。
BROADBENT[hurtandpetulant]。It’syouwhohavenofeeling。
You’reasheartlessasLarry。
NORA。Whatdoyouexpectmetodo？Isittothrowmeselfatyourheadtheminutethewordisoutoyourmouth？
BROADBENT[strikinghissillyheadwithhisfists]。Oh，whatafool！whatabruteIam！It’sonlyyourIrishdelicacy：ofcourse，ofcourse。YoumeanYes。Eh？What？Yes，yes，yes？
NORA。IthinkyoumightunderstandthatthoughImightchoosetobeanoldmaid，Icouldnevermarryanybodybutyounow。
BROADBENT[claspingherviolentlytohisbreast，withacrowofimmensereliefandtriumph]。Ah，that’sright，that’sright：
That’smagnificent。Iknewyouwouldseewhatafirst-ratethingthiswillbeforbothofus。
NORA[incommodedandnotatallenrapturedbyhisardor]。You’redreadfullystrong，anagradletoofreewithyourstrength。AnI
neverthoughtowhetherit’dbeagoodthingforusornot。Butwhenyoufoundmeherethattime，Iletyoubekindtome，andcriedinyourarms，becauseIwastoowretchedtothinkofanythingbutthecomfortofit。AnhowcouldIletanyothermantouchmeafterthat？
BROADBENT[touched]。Nowthat’sveryniceofyou，Nora，that’sreallymostdelicatelywomanly[hekissesherhandchivalrously]。
NORA[lookingearnestlyandalittledoubtfullyathim]。Surelyifyouletonewomancryonyoulikethatyou’dneverletanothertouchyou。
BROADBENT[conscientiously]。Oneshouldnot。OneOUGHTnot，mydeargirl。Butthehonesttruthis，ifachapisatallapleasantsortofchap，hischestbecomesafortificationthathastostandmanyassaults：atleastitissoinEngland。
NORA[curtly，muchdisgusted]。Thenyou’dbettermarryanEnglishwoman。
BROADBENT[makingawryface]。No，no：theEnglishwomanistooprosaicformytaste，toomaterial，toomuchoftheanimatedbeefsteakabouther。TheidealiswhatIlike。NowLarry’stasteisjusttheopposite：helikesemsolidandbouncingandratherkeenabouthim。It’saveryconvenientdifference;forwe’veneverbeeninlovewiththesamewoman。
NORA。And’yemeantotellmetomefacethatyou’veeverbeeninlovebefore？
BROADBENT。Lord！yes。
NORA。I’mnotyourfirstlove？
BROADBENT。Firstloveisonlyalittlefoolishnessandalotofcuriosity：noreallyself-respectingwomanwouldtakeadvantageofit。No，mydearNora：I’vedonewithallthatlongago。Loveaffairsalwaysendinrows。We’renotgoingtohaveanyrows：
we’regoingtohaveasolidfour-squarehome：manandwife：
comfortandcommonsense——andplentyofaffection，eh[heputshisarmroundherwithconfidentproprietorship]？
NORA[coldly，tryingtogetaway]。Idon’twantanyotherwoman’sleavings。
BROADBENT[holdingher]。Nobodyaskedyouto，ma’am。Ineveraskedanywomantomarrymebefore。
NORA[severely]。Thenwhydidn’tyouifyou’reanhonorableman？
BROADBENT。Well，totellyouthetruth，theyweremostlymarriedalready。Butnevermind！therewasnothingwrong。Come！Don’ttakeameanadvantageofme。Afterall，youmusthavehadafancyortwoyourself，eh？
NORA[conscience-stricken]。Yes。IsupposeI’venorighttobeparticular。
BROADBENT[humbly]。IknowI’mnotgoodenoughforyou，Nora。Butnomanis，youknow，whenthewomanisareallynicewoman。
NORA。Oh，I’mnobetterthanyourself。Imayaswelltellyouaboutit。
BROADBENT。No，no：let’shavenotelling：muchbetternot。I
shan’ttellyouanything：don’tyoutellMEanything。Perfectconfidenceinoneanotherandnotellings：that’sthewaytoavoidrows。
NORA。Don’tthinkitwasanythingIneedbeashamedof。
BROADBENT。Idon’t。
NORA。ItwasonlythatI’dneverknownanybodyelsethatIcouldcarefor;andIwasfoolishenoughoncetothinkthatLarry——
HROADBENT[disposingoftheideaatonce]。Larry！Oh，thatwouldn’thavedoneatall，notatall。Youdon’tknowLarryasI
do，mydear。Hehasabsolutelynocapacityforenjoyment：hecouldn’tmakeanywomanhappy。He’sascleverasbe-blowed;butlife’stooearthlyforhim：hedoesn’treallycareforanythingoranybody。
NORA。I’vefoundthatout。
BROADBENT。Ofcourseyouhave。No，mydear：takemywordforit，you’rejollywelloutofthat。There！[swingingherroundagainsthisbreast]that’smuchmorecomfortableforyou。
NORA[withIrishpeevishness]。Ah，youmustn’tgoonlikethat。I
don’tlikeit。
BROADBENT[unabashed]。You’llacquirethetastebydegrees。Youmustn’tmindme：it’sanabsolutenecessityofmynaturethatI
shouldhavesomebodytohugoccasionally。Besides，it’sgoodforyou：it’llplumpoutyourmusclesandmakeemelasticandsetupyourfigure。
NORA。Well，I’msure！ifthisisEnglishmanners！Aren’tyouashamedtotalkaboutsuchthings？
BROADBENT[inthehighestfeather]。Notabit。ByGeorge，Nora，it’satremendousthingtobeabletoenjoyoneself。Let’sgooffforawalkoutofthisstuffylittleroom。Iwanttheopenairtoexpandin。Comealong。Co-o-o-mealong。[Heputsherarmintohisandsweepsheroutintothegardenasanequinoctialgalemightsweepadryleaf]。
Laterintheevening，thegrasshopperisagainenjoyingthesunsetbythegreatstoneonthehill;butthistimeheenjoysneitherthestimulusofKeegan’sconversationnorthepleasureofterrifyingPatsyFarrell。HeisaloneuntilNoraandBroadbentcomeupthehillarminarm。Broadbentisstillbreezyandconfident;butshehasherheadavertedfromhimandisalmostintears]。
BROADBENT[stoppingtosnuffupthehillsideair]。Ah！Ilikethisspot。Ilikethisview。Thiswouldbeajollygoodplaceforahotelandagolflinks。FridaytoTuesday，railwayticketandhotelallinclusive。Itellyou，Nora，I’mgoingtodevelopthisplace。[Lookingather]Hallo！What’sthematter？Tired？
NORA[unabletorestrainhertears]。I’mashamedoutomelife。
BROADBENT[astonished]。Ashamed！Whatof？
NORA。Oh，howcouldyoudragmeallroundtheplacelikethat，tellingeverybodythatwe’regoingtobemarried，andintrojoocingmetothelowestofthelow，andlettingthemshakehanswithme，andencouragingthemtomakefreewithus？IlittlethoughtIshouldlivetobeshakenhanswithbeDoolaninbroaddaylightinthepublicstreetofRosscullen。
BROADBENT。But，mydear，Doolan’sapublican：amostinfluentialman。Bytheway，Iaskedhimifhiswifewouldbeathometomorrow。Hesaidshewould;soyoumusttakethemotorcarroundandcallonher。
NORA[aghast]。IsitmecallonDoolan’swife！
BROADBENT。Yes，ofcourse：callonalltheirwives。Wemustgetacopyoftheregisterandasupplyofcanvassingcards。Nousecallingonpeoplewhohaven’tvotes。You’llbeagreatsuccessasacanvasser，Nora：theycallyoutheheiress;andthey’llbeflatterednoendbyyourcalling，especiallyasyou’venevercheapenedyourselfbyspeakingtothembefore——haveyou？
NORA[indignantly]。Notlikely，indeed。
BROADBENT。Well，wemustn’tbestiffandstand-off，youknow。Wemustbethoroughlydemocratic，andpatronizeeverybodywithoutdistinctionofclass。ItellyouI’majollyluckyman，NoraCryna。IgetengagedtothemostdelightfulwomaninIreland;anditturnsoutthatIcouldn’thavedoneasmarterstrokeofelectioneering。
NORA。Anwouldyouletmedemeanmeselflikethat，justtogetyourselfintoparliament？
BROADBENT[buoyantly]。Aha！Waittillyoufindoutwhatanexcitinggameelectioneeringis：you’llbemadtogetmein。
Besides，you’dlikepeopletosaythatTomBroadbent’swifehadbeenthemakingofhim——thatshegothimintoparliament——intotheCabinet，perhaps，eh？
NORA。GodknowsIdon’tgrudgeyoumemoney！ButtolowermeselftothelevelofcommonpeopleBROADBENT。Toamember’swife，Nora，nobodyiscommonprovidedhe’sontheregister。Come，mydear！it’sallright：doyouthinkI’dletyoudoitifitwasn’t？Thebestpeopledoit。Everybodydoesit。
NORA[whohasbeenbitingherlipandlookingoverthehill，disconsolateandunconvinced]。Well，prapsyouknowbestwhattheydoinEngland。Theymusthaveverylittlerespectforthemselves。IthinkI’llgoinnow。IseeLarryandMrKeegancomingupthehill;andI’mnotfittotalktothem。
BROADBENT。JustwaitandsaysomethingnicetoKeegan。TheytellmehecontrolsnearlyasmanyvotesasFatherDempseyhimself。
NORA。YoulittleknowPeterKeegan。He’dseethroughmeasifI
wasapaneoglass。
BROADBENT。Oh，hewon’tlikeitanythelessforthat。Whatreallyflattersamanisthatyouthinkhimworthflattering。NotthatIwouldflatteranyman：don’tthinkthat。I’lljustgoandmeethim。[Hegoesdownthehillwiththeeagerforwardlookofamanabouttogreetavaluedacquaintance。Noradrieshereyes，andturnstogoasLarrystrollsupthehilltoher]。
LARRY。Nora。[Sheturnsandlooksathimhardly，withoutaword。
Hecontinuesanxiously，inhismostconciliatorytone]。WhenI
leftyouthattime，Iwasjustaswretchedasyou。Ididn’trightlyknowwhatIwantedtosay;andmytonguekeptclackingtocoverthelossIwasat。Well，I’vebeenthinkingeversince;andnowIknowwhatIoughttohavesaid。I’vecomebacktosayit。
NORA。You’vecometoolate，then。Youthoughteighteenyearswasnotlongenough，andthatyoumightkeepmewaitingadaylonger。
Well，youweremistaken。I’mengagedtoyourfriendMrBroadbent;
andI’mdonewithyou。
LARRY[naively]。ButthatwastheverythingIwasgoingtoadviseyoutodo。
NORA[involuntarily]。Ohyoubrute！totellmethattomeface。
LARRY[nervouslyrelapsingintohismostIrishmanner]。Nora，dear，don’tyouunderstandthatI’manIrishman，andhe’sanEnglishman。Hewantsyou;andhegrabsyou。Iwantyou;andI
quarrelwithyouandhavetogoonwantingyou。
NORA。Soyoumay。You’dbettergobacktoEnglandtotheanimatedbeefsteaksyou’resofondof。
LARRY[amazed]。Nora！[Guessingwhereshegotthemetaphor]He’sbeentalkingaboutme，Isee。Well，nevermind：wemustbefriends，youandI。Idon’twanthismarriagetoyoutobehisdivorcefromme。
NORA。Youcaremoreforhimthanyoueverdidforme。
LARRY[withcurtsincerity]。YesofcourseIdo：whyshouldI
tellyouliesaboutit？NoraReillywasapersonofverylittleconsequencetomeoranyoneelseoutsidethismiserablelittlehole。ButMrsTomBroadbentwillbeapersonofveryconsiderableconsequenceindeed。Playyournewpartwell，andtherewillbenomoreneglect，nomoreloneliness，nomoreidleregrettingsandvain-hopingsintheeveningsbytheRoundTower，butreallifeandrealworkandrealcaresandrealjoysamongrealpeople：
solidEnglishlifeinLondon，theverycentreoftheworld。YouwillfindyourworkcutoutforyoukeepingTom’shouseandentertainingTom’sfriendsandgettingTomintoparliament;butitwillbeworththeeffort。
NORA。YoutalkasifIwereunderanobligationtohimformarryingme。
LARRY。ItalkasIthink。You’vemadeaverygoodmatch，letmetellyou。
NORA。Indeed！Well，somepeoplemightsayhe’snotdonesobadlyhimself。
LARRY。Ifyoumeanthatyouwillbeatreasuretohim，hethinkssonow;andyoucankeephimthinkingsoifyoulike。
NORA。Iwasn’tthinkingomeselfatall。
LARRY。Wereyouthinkingofyourmoney，Nora？
NORA。Ididn’tsayso。
LARRY。Yourmoneywillnotpayyourcook’swagesinLondon。
NORA[flamingup]。Ifthat’strue——andthemoreshameforyoutothrowitinmyfaceifitIStrue——atalleventsit’llmakeusindependent;foriftheworstcomestotheworst，wecanalwayscomebackhereanliveonit。AnifIhavetokeephishouseforhim，atalleventsIcankeepyououtofit;forI’vedonewithyou;andIwishI’dneverseenyou。Sogoodbyetoyou，MisterLarryDoyle。[Sheturnsherbackonhimandgoeshome]。
LARRY[watchingherasshegoes]。Goodbye。Goodbye。Oh，that’ssoIrish！Irishbothofustothebackbone：Irish，Irish，Irish——
Broadbentarrives，conversingenergeticallywithKeegan。
BROADBENT。Nothingpayslikeagolfinghotel，ifyouholdthelandinsteadoftheshares，andifthefurniturepeoplestandinwithyou，andifyouareagoodmanofbusiness。
LARRY。Nora’sgonehome。
BROADBENT[withconviction]。Youwererightthismorning，Larry。
ImustfeedupNora。She’sweak;anditmakesherfanciful。Oh，bytheway，didItellyouthatwe’reengaged？
LARRY。Shetoldmeherself。
BROADBENT[complacently]。She’sratherfullofit，asyoumayimagine。PoorNora！Well，MrKeegan，asIsaid，Ibegintoseemywayhere。Ibegintoseemyway。
KEEGAN[withacourteousinclination]。TheconqueringEnglishman，sir。Within24hoursofyourarrivalyouhavecarriedoffouronlyheiress，andpracticallysecuredtheparliamentaryseat。AndyouhavepromisedmethatwhenIcomehereintheeveningstomeditateonmymadness;towatchtheshadowoftheRoundTowerlengtheninginthesunset;tobreakmyheartuselesslyinthecurtainedgloamingoverthedeadheartandblindedsouloftheislandofthesaints，youwillcomfortmewiththebustleofagreathotel，andthesightofthelittlechildrencarryingthegolfclubsofyourtouristsasapreparationforthelifetocome。
BROADBENT[quitetouched，mutelyofferinghimacigartoconsolehim，atwhichhesmilesandshakeshishead]。Yes，MrKeegan：
you’requiteright。There’spoetryineverything，even[lookingabsentlyintothecigarcase]inthemostmodernprosaicthings，ifyouknowhowtoextractit[heextractsacigarforhimselfandoffersonetoLarry，whotakesit]。IfIwastobeshotforitIcouldn’textractitmyself;butthat’swhereyoucomein，yousee[roguishly，wakingupfromhisreverieandbustlingKeegangoodhumoredly]。AndthenIshallwakeyouupabit。That’swhereIcomein：eh？d’yesee？Eh？eh？[Hepatshimverypleasantlyontheshoulder，halfadmiringly，halfpityingly]。
Justso，justso。[Comingbacktobusiness]Bytheway，IbelieveIcandobetterthanalightrailwayhere。Thereseemstobenoquestionnowthatthemotorboathascometostay。Well，lookatyourmagnificentriverthere，goingtowaste。
KEEGAN[closinghiseyes]。\"Silent，OMoyle，betheroarofthywaters。\"
BROADBENT。Youknow，theroarofamotorboatisquitepretty。
KEEGAN。ProvideditdoesnotdrowntheAngelus。
BROADBENT[reassuringly]。Ohno：itwon’tdothat：nottheleastdanger。Youknow，achurchbellcanmakeadevilofanoisewhenitlikes。
KEEGAN。Youhaveananswerforeverything，sir。Butyourplansleaveonequestionstillunanswered：howtogetbutteroutofadog’sthroat。
BROADBENT。Eh？
KEEGAN。Youcannotbuildyourgolflinksandhotelsintheair。
Forthatyoumustownourland。Andhowwillyoudragouracresfromtheferret’sgripofMatthewHaffigan？HowwillyoupersuadeCorneliusDoyletoforegotheprideofbeingasmalllandowner？
HowwillBarneyDoran’smillraceagreewithyourmotorboats？
WillDoolanhelpyoutogetalicenseforyourhotel？
BROADBENT。Mydearsir：toallintentsandpurposesthesyndicateIrepresentalreadyownshalfRosscullen。Doolan’sisatiedhouse;andthebrewersareinthesyndicate。AstoHaffigan’sfarmandDoran’smillandMrDoyle’splaceandhalfadozenothers，theywillbemortgagedtomebeforeamonthisout。
KEEGAN。Butpardonme，youwillnotlendthemmoreontheirlandthanthelandisworth;sotheywillbeabletopayyoutheinterest。
BROADBENT。Ah，youareapoet，MrKeegan，notamanofbusiness。
LARRY。Wewilllendeveryoneofthesemenhalfasmuchagainontheirlandasitisworth，orevercanbeworth，tothem。
BROADBENT。Youforget，sir，thatwe，withourcapital，ourknowledge，ourorganization，andmayIsayourEnglishbusinesshabits，canmakeorlosetenpoundsoutoflandthatHaffigan，withallhisindustry，couldnotmakeorlosetenshillingsoutof。Doran’smillisasuperannuatedfolly：Ishallwantitforelectriclighting。
LARRY。Whatistheuseofgivinglandtosuchmen？theyaretoosmall，toopoor，tooignorant，toosimplemindedtoholditagainstus：youmightaswellgiveadukedomtoacrossingsweeper。
BROADBENT。Yes，MrKeegan：thisplacemayhaveanindustrialfuture，oritmayhavearesidentialfuture：Ican’ttellyet;
butit’snotgoingtobeafutureinthehandsofyourDoransandHaffigans，poordevils！
KEEGAN。Itmayhavenofutureatall。Haveyouthoughtofthat？
BROADBENT。Oh，I’mnotafraidofthat。IhavefaithinIreland，greatfaith，MrKeegan。
KEEGAN。Andwehavenone：onlyemptyenthusiasmsandpatriotisms，andemptiermemoriesandregrets。Ahyes：youhavesomeexcuseforbelievingthatiftherebeanyfuture，itwillbeyours;forourfaithseemsdead，andourheartscoldandcowed。Anislandofdreamerswhowakeupinyourjails，ofcriticsandcowardswhomyoubuyandtameforyourownservice，ofboldrogueswhohelpyoutoplunderusthattheymayplunderyouafterwards。Eh？
BROADBENT[alittleimpatientofthisunbusinesslikeview]。Yes，yes;butyouknowyoumightsaythatofanycountry。Thefactis，thereareonlytwoqualitiesintheworld：efficiencyandinefficiency，andonlytwosortsofpeople：theefficientandtheinefficient。Itdon’tmatterwhetherthey’reEnglishorIrish。I
shallcollarthisplace，notbecauseI’manEnglishmanandHaffiganandCoareIrishmen，butbecausethey’reduffersandI
knowmywayabout。
KEEGAN。HaveyouconsideredwhatistobecomeofHaffigan？
LARRY。Oh，we’llemployhiminsomecapacityorother，andprobablypayhimmorethanhemakesforhimselfnow。
BROADBENT[dubiously]。Doyouthinkso？Nono：Haffigan’stooold。Itreallydoesn’tpaynowtotakeonmenoverfortyevenforunskilledlabor，whichIsupposeisallHaffiganwouldbegoodfor。No：HaffiganhadbettergotoAmerica，orintotheUnion，pooroldchap！He’sworkedout，youknow：youcanseeit。
KEEGAN。Poorlostsoul，socunninglyfencedinwithinvisiblebars！
LARRY。Haffigandoesn’tmattermuch。He’lldiepresently。
BROADBENT[shocked]。Ohcome，Larry！Don’tbeunfeeling。It’shardonHaffigan。It’salwayshardontheinefficient。
LARRY。Pah！whatdoesitmatterwhereanoldandbrokenmanspendshislastdays，orwhetherhehasamillionatthebankoronlytheworkhousedole？It’stheyoungmen，theablemen，thatmatter。TherealtragedyofHaffiganisthetragedyofhiswastedyouth，hisstuntedmind，hisdrudgingoverhisclodsandpigsuntilhehasbecomeaclodandapighimself——untilthesoulwithinhimhassmoulderedintonothingbutadulltemperthathurtshimselfandallaroundhim。Isaylethimdie，andletushavenomoreofhislike。AndletyoungIrelandtakecarethatitdoesn’tsharehisfate，insteadofmakinganotheremptygrievanceofit。Letyoursyndicatecome——
BROADBENT。Yoursyndicatetoo，oldchap。Youhaveyourbitofthestock。
LARRY。Yes，mineifyoulike。Well，oursyndicatehasnoconscience：ithasnomoreregardforyourHaffigansandDoolansandDoransthanithasforagangofChinesecoolies。Itwilluseyourpatrioticblatherskiteandbalderdashtogetparliamentarypowersoveryouascynicallyasitwouldbaitamousetrapwithtoastedcheese。Itwillplan，andorganize，andfindcapitalwhileyouslavelikebeesforitandrevengeyourselvesbypayingpoliticiansandpennynewspapersoutofyoursmallwagestowritearticlesandreportspeechesagainstitswickednessandtyranny，andtocrackupyourownIrishheroism，justasHaffiganoncepaidawitchapennytoputaspellonBillyByrne’scow。Intheenditwillgrindthenonsenseoutofyou，andgrindstrengthandsenseintoyou。
BROADBENT[outofpatience]。Whycan’tyousayasimplethingsimply，Larry，withoutallthatIrishexaggerationandtalky-talky？Thesyndicateisaperfectlyrespectablebodyofresponsiblemenofgoodposition。We’lltakeIrelandinhand，andbystraightforwardbusinesshabitsteachitefficiencyandself-helponsoundLiberalprinciples。Youagreewithme，MrKeegan，don’tyou？
KEEGAN。Sir：Imayevenvoteforyou。
BROADBENT[sincerelymoved，shakinghishandwarmly]。Youshallneverregretit，MrKeegan：Igiveyoumywordforthat。Ishallbringmoneyhere：Ishallraisewages：Ishallfoundpublicinstitutions，alibrary，aPolytechnic[undenominational，ofcourse]，agymnasium，acricketclub，perhapsanartschool。I
shallmakeaGardencityofRosscullen：theroundtowershallbethoroughlyrepairedandrestored。
KEEGAN。AndourplaceoftormentshallbeascleanandorderlyasthecleanestandmostorderlyplaceIknowinIreland，whichisourpoeticallynamedMountjoyprison。Well，perhapsIhadbettervoteforanefficientdevilthatknowshisownmindandhisownbusinessthanforafoolishpatriotwhohasnomindandnobusiness。
BROADBENT[stiffly]。Devilisratherastrongexpressioninthatconnexion，MrKeegan。
KEEGAN。Notfromamanwhoknowsthatthisworldishell。Butsincethewordoffendsyou，letmesoftenit，andcompareyousimplytoanass。[Larrywhitenswithanger]。
BROADBENT[reddening]。Anass！
KEEGAN[gently]。Youmaytakeitwithoutoffencefromamadmanwhocallstheasshisbrother——andaveryhonest，usefulandfaithfulbrothertoo。Theass，sir，isthemostefficientofbeasts，matter-of-fact，hardy，friendlywhenyoutreathimasafellow-creature，stubbornwhenyouabusehim，ridiculousonlyinlove，whichsetshimbraying，andinpolitics，whichmovehimtorollaboutinthepublicroadandraiseadustaboutnothing。Canyoudenythesequalitiesandhabitsinyourself，sir？
BROADBENT[goodhumoredly]。Well，yes，I’mafraidIdo，youknow。
KEEGAN。Thenperhapsyouwillconfesstotheass’sonefault。
BROADBENT。Perhapsso：whatisit？
KEEGAN。Thathewastesallhisvirtues——hisefficiency，asyoucallit——indoingthewillofhisgreedymastersinsteadofdoingthewillofHeaventhatisinhimself。HeisefficientintheserviceofMammon，mightyinmischief，skilfulinruin，heroicindestruction。Buthecomestobrowseherewithoutknowingthatthesoilhishooftouchesisholyground。Ireland，sir，forgoodorevil，islikenootherplaceunderheaven;andnomancantouchitssodorbreatheitsairwithoutbecomingbetterorworse。Itproducestwokindsofmeninstrangeperfection：saintsandtraitors。Itiscalledtheislandofthesaints;butindeedintheselateryearsitmightbemorefitlycalledtheislandofthetraitors;forourharvestoftheseisthefinefloweroftheworld’scropofinfamy。Butthedaymaycomewhentheseislandsshalllivebythequalityoftheirmenratherthanbytheabundanceoftheirminerals;andthenweshallsee。
LARRY。MrKeegan：ifyouaregoingtobesentimentalaboutIreland，Ishallbidyougoodevening。Wehavehadenoughofthat，andmorethanenoughofcleverlyprovingthateverybodywhoisnotanIrishmanisanass。Itisneithergoodsensenorgoodmanners。Itwillnotstopthesyndicate;anditwillnotinterestyoungIrelandsomuchasmyfriend’sgospelofefficiency。
BROADBENT。Ah，yes，yes：efficiencyisthething。Idon’tintheleastmindyourchaff，MrKeegan;butLarry’srightonthemainpoint。Theworldbelongstotheefficient。
KEEGAN[withpolishedirony]。Istandrebuked，gentlemen。Butbelieveme，Idoeveryjusticetotheefficiencyofyouandyoursyndicate。Youareboth，Iamtold，thoroughlyefficientcivilengineers;andIhavenodoubtthegolflinkswillbeatriumphofyourart。MrBroadbentwillgetintoparliamentmostefficiently，whichismorethanStPatrickcoulddoifhewerealivenow。Youmayevenbuildthehotelefficientlyifyoucanfindenoughefficientmasons，carpenters，andplumbers，whichI
ratherdoubt。[Droppinghisirony，andbeginningtofallintotheattitudeofthepriestrebukingsin]Whenthehotelbecomesinsolvent[Broadbenttakeshiscigaroutofhismouth，alittletakenaback]，yourEnglishbusinesshabitswillsecurethethoroughefficiencyoftheliquidation。Youwillreorganizetheschemeefficiently;youwillliquidateitssecondbankruptcyefficiently[BroadbentandLarrylookquicklyatoneanother;forthis，unlessthepriestisanoldfinancialhand，mustbeinspiration];youwillgetridofitsoriginalshareholdersefficientlyafterefficientlyruiningthem;andyouwillfinallyprofitveryefficientlybygettingthathotelforafewshillingsinthepound。[Moreandmoresternly]Besidesthoseefficientoperations，youwillforecloseyourmortgagesmostefficiently[hisrebukingforefingergoesupinspiteofhimself];youwilldriveHaffigantoAmericaveryefficiently;youwillfindauseforBarneyDoran’sfoulmouthandbullyingtemperbyemployinghimtoslave-driveyourlaborersveryefficiently;and[lowandbitter]whenatlastthispoordesolatecountrysidebecomesabusymintinwhichweshallallslavetomakemoneyforyou，withourPolytechnictoteachushowtodoitefficiently，andourlibrarytofuddlethefewimaginationsyourdistillerieswillspare，andourrepairedRoundTowerwithadmissionsixpence，andrefreshmentsandpenny-in-the-slotmutoscopestomakeitinteresting，thennodoubtyourEnglishandAmericanshareholderswillspendallthemoneywemakeforthemveryefficientlyinshootingandhunting，inoperationsforcancerandappendicitis，ingluttonyandgambling;andyouwilldevotewhattheysavetofreshlanddevelopmentschemes。Forfourwickedcenturiestheworldhasdreamedthisfoolishdreamofefficiency;andtheendisnotyet。Buttheendwillcome。
BROADBENT[seriously]。Tootrue，MrKeegan，onlytootrue。Andmosteloquentlyput。ItremindsmeofpoorRuskin——agreatman，youknow。Isympathize。Believeme，I’monyourside。Don’tsneer，Larry：IusedtoreadalotofShelleyyearsago。Letusbefaithfultothedreamsofouryouth[hewaftsawreathofcigarsmokeatlargeacrossthehill]。
KEEGAN。Come，MrDoyle！isthisEnglishsentimentsomuchmoreefficientthanourIrishsentiment，afterall？MrBroadbentspendshislifeinefficientlyadmiringthethoughtsofgreatmen，andefficientlyservingthecupidityofbasemoneyhunters。Wespendourlivesefficientlysneeringathimanddoingnothing。
Whichofushasanyrighttoreproachtheother？
BROADBENT[comingdownthehillagaintoKeegan’srighthand]。
Butyouknow，somethingmustbedone。
KEEGAN。Yes：whenweceasetodo，weceasetolive。Well，whatshallwedo？
BROADBENT。Why，whatliestoourhand。
KEEGAN。Whichisthemakingofgolflinksandhotelstobringidlerstoacountrywhichworkershaveleftinmillionsbecauseitisahungryland，anakedland，anignorantandoppressedland。
BROADBENT。But，hangitall，theidlerswillbringmoneyfromEnglandtoIreland！
KEEGAN。JustasouridlershaveforsomanygenerationstakenmoneyfromIrelandtoEngland。HasthatsavedEnglandfrompovertyanddegradationmorehorriblethanwehaveeverdreamedof？WhenIwenttoEngland，sir，IhatedEngland。NowIpityit。
[BroadbentcanhardlyconceiveanIrishmanpityingEngland;butasLarryintervenesangrily，hegivesitupandtakestothebillandhiscigaragain]
LARRY。Muchgoodyourpitywilldoit！
KEEGAN。Intheaccountskeptinheaven，MrDoyle，aheartpurifiedofhatredmaybeworthmoreeventhanaLandDevelopmentSyndicateofAnglicizedIrishmenandGladstonizedEnglishmen。
LARRY。Oh，inheaven，nodoubt！Ihaveneverbeenthere。Canyoutellmewhereitis？
KEEGAN。Couldyouhavetoldmethismorningwherehellis？Yetyouknownowthatitishere。Donotdespairoffindingheaven：
itmaybenofartheroff。
LARRY[ironically]。Onthisholyground，asyoucallit，eh？
KEEGAN[withfierceintensity]。Yes，perhaps，evenonthisholygroundwhichsuchIrishmenasyouhaveturnedintoaLandofDerision。
BROADBENT[comingbetweenthem]。Takecare！youwillbequarrellingpresently。Oh，youIrishmen，youIrishmen！ToujoursBallyhooly，eh？[Larry，withashrug，halfcomic，halfimpatient，turnawayupthehill，butpresentlystrollsbackonKeegan’sright。Broadbentadds，confidentiallytoKeegan]SticktotheEnglishman，MrKeegan：hehasabadnamehere;butatleasthecanforgiveyouforbeinganIrishman。
KEEGAN。Sir：whenyouspeaktomeofEnglishandIrishyouforgetthatIamaCatholic。MycountryisnotIrelandnorEngland，butthewholemightyrealmofmyChurch。Formetherearebuttwocountries：heavenandhell;buttwoconditionsofmen：salvationanddamnation。StandingherebetweenyoutheEnglishman，socleverinyourfoolishness，andthisIrishman，sofoolishinhiscleverness，Icannotinmyignorancebesurewhichofyouisthemoredeeplydamned;butIshouldbeunfaithfultomycallingifI
openedthegatesofmyheartlesswidelytoonethantotheother。
LARRY。Ineithercaseitwouldbeanimpertinence，MrKeegan，asyourapprovalisnotoftheslightestconsequencetous。Whatusedoyousupposeallthisdrivelistomenwithseriouspracticalbusinessinhand？
BROADBENT。Idon’tagreewiththat，Larry。Ithinkthesethingscannotbesaidtoooften：theykeepupthemoraltoneofthecommunity。Asyouknow，Iclaimtherighttothinkformyselfinreligiousmatters：infact，Iamreadytoavowmyselfabitofa——ofa——well，Idon’tcarewhoknowsit——abitofaUnitarian;
butiftheChurchofEnglandcontainedafewmenlikeMrKeegan，Ishouldcertainlyjoinit。
KEEGAN。Youdometoomuchhonor，sir。[WithpriestlyhumilitytoLarry]MrDoyle：Iamtoblameforhavingunintentionallysetyourmindsomewhatonedgeagainstme。Ibegyourpardon。
LARRY[unimpressedandhostile]。Ididn’tstandonceremonywithyou：youneedn’tstandonitwithme。FinemannersandfinewordsarecheapinIreland：youcankeepbothformyfriendhere，whoisstillimposedonbythem。Iknowtheirvalue。
KEEGAN。Youmeanyoudon’tknowtheirvalue。
LARRY[angrily]。ImeanwhatIsay。
KEEGAN[turningquietlytotheEnglishman]Yousee，MrBroadbent，IonlymaketheheartsofmycountrymenharderwhenIpreachtothem：thegatesofhellstillprevailagainstme。Ishallwishyougoodevening。Iambetteralone，attheRoundTower，dreamingofheaven。[Hegoesupthehill]。
LARRY。Aye，that’sit！thereyouare！dreaming，dreaming，dreaming，dreaming！
KEEGAN[haltingandturningtothemforthelasttime]。Everydreamisaprophecy：everyjestisanearnestinthewombofTime。
BROADBENT[reflectively]。Once，whenIwasasmallkid，IdreamtIwasinheaven。[Theybothstareathim]。Itwasasortofpalebluesatinplace，withallthepiousoldladiesinourcongregationsittingasiftheywereataservice;andtherewassomeawfulpersoninthestudyattheothersideofthehall。I
didn’tenjoyit，youknow。Whatisitlikeinyourdreams？
KEEGAN。InmydreamsitisacountrywheretheStateistheChurchandtheChurchthepeople：threeinoneandoneinthree。
Itisacommonwealthinwhichworkisplayandplayislife：
threeinoneandoneinthree。Itisatempleinwhichthepriestistheworshipperandtheworshippertheworshipped：threeinoneandoneinthree。Itisagodheadinwhichalllifeishumanandallhumanitydivine：threeinoneandoneinthree。Itis，inshort，thedreamofamadman。[Hegoesawayacrossthehill]。
BROADBENT[lookingafterhimaffectionately]。WhataregularoldChurchandStateToryheis！He’sacharacter：he’llbeanattractionhere。ReallyalmostequaltoRuskinandCarlyle。
LARRY。Yes;andmuchgoodtheydidwithalltheirtalk！
BROADBENT。Ohtut，tut，Larry！Theyimprovedmymind：theyraisedmytoneenormously。IfeelsincerelyobligedtoKeegan：hehasmademefeelabetterman：distinctlybetter。[Withsincereelevation]IfeelnowasIneverdidbeforethatIamrightindevotingmylifetothecauseofIreland。Comealongandhelpmetochoosethesiteforthehotel。