第3章

Buttherewerethousandsofsuchgreatpointstoconsider,andtheyallagitatedandoverwhelmedme。Ipolishedmybootsasecondtimewithmyownhands;nothingintheworldwouldhaveinducedApollontocleanthemtwiceaday,asheconsideredthatitwasmorethanhisdutiesrequiredofhim。Istolethebrushestocleanthemfromthepassage,beingcarefulheshouldnotdetectit,forfearofhiscontempt。ThenIminutelyexaminedmyclothesandthoughtthateverythinglookedold,wornandthreadbare。Ihadletmyselfgettooslovenly。Myuniform,perhaps,wastidy,butIcouldnotgoouttodinnerinmyuniform。Theworstofitwasthatonthekneeofmytrouserswasabigyellowstain。Ihadaforebodingthatthatstainwoulddeprivemeofnine-tenthsofmypersonaldignity。Iknew,too,thatitwasverypoortothinkso。\"Butthisisnotimeforthinking:nowIaminfortherealthing,\"Ithought,andmyheartsank。Iknew,too,perfectlywelleventhen,thatIwasmonstrouslyexaggeratingthefacts。ButhowcouldIhelpit?I

couldnotcontrolmyselfandwasalreadyshakingwithfever。

WithdespairIpicturedtomyselfhowcoldlyanddisdainfullythat\"scoundrel\"Zverkovwouldmeetme;withwhatdull-witted,invinciblecontempttheblockheadTrudolyubovwouldlookatme;

withwhatimpudentrudenesstheinsectFerfitchkinwouldsniggeratmeinordertocurryfavourwithZverkov;howcompletelySimonovwouldtakeitallin,andhowhewoulddespisemefortheabjectnessofmyvanityandlackofspirit——and,worstofall,howpaltry,_unliterary_,commonplaceitwouldallbe。Ofcourse,thebestthingwouldbenottogoatall。Butthatwasmostimpossibleofall:ifIfeelimpelledtodoanything,Iseemtobepitchforkedintoit。Ishouldhavejeeredatmyselfeverafterwards:\"Soyoufunkedit,youfunkedit,youfunkedthe_realthing_!\"Onthecontrary,Ipassionatelylongedtoshowallthat\"rabble\"thatIwasbynomeanssuchaspiritlesscreatureasIseemedtomyself。Whatismore,evenintheacutestparoxysmofthiscowardlyfever,Idreamedofgettingtheupperhand,ofdominatingthem,carryingthemaway,makingthemlikeme——ifonlyformy\"elevationofthoughtandunmistakablewit。\"TheywouldabandonZverkov,hewouldsitononeside,silentandashamed,whileIshouldcrushhim。Then,perhaps,wewouldbereconciledanddrinktooureverlastingfriendship;butwhatwasmostbitterandhumiliatingformewasthatIkneweventhen,knewfullyandforcertain,thatIneedednothingofallthisreally,thatIdidnotreallywanttocrush,tosubdue,toattractthem,andthatIdidnotcareastrawreallyfortheresult,evenifIdidachieveit。Oh,howIprayedforthedaytopassquickly!InunutterableanguishIwenttothewindow,openedthemovablepaneandlookedoutintothetroubleddarknessofthethicklyfallingwetsnow。Atlastmywretchedlittleclockhissedoutfive。Iseizedmyhatand,tryingnottolookatApollon,whohadbeenalldayexpectinghismonth’swages,butinhisfoolishnesswasunwillingtobethefirsttospeakaboutit,Islippedbetweenhimandthedoorand,lumpingintoahigh-classsledge,onwhichIspentmylasthalfrouble,IdroveupingrandstyletotheHoteldeParis。

IV

IhadbeencertainthedaybeforethatIshouldbethefirsttoarrive。Butitwasnotaquestionofbeingthefirsttoarrive。

Notonlyweretheynotthere,butIhaddifficultyinfindingourroom。Thetablewasnotlaideven。Whatdiditmean?AfteragoodmanyquestionsIelicitedfromthewaitersthatthedinnerhadbeenorderednotforfive,butforsixo’clock。Thiswasconfirmedatthebuffettoo。Ifeltreallyashamedtogoonquestioningthem。Itwasonlytwenty-fiveminutespastfive。Iftheychangedthedinnerhourtheyoughtatleasttohaveletmeknow——thatiswhatthepostisfor,andnottohaveputmeinanabsurdpositioninmyowneyesand……andevenbeforethewaiters。

Isatdown;theservantbeganlayingthetable;Ifeltevenmorehumiliatedwhenhewaspresent。Towardssixo’clocktheybroughtincandles,thoughtherewerelampsburningintheroom。Ithadnotoccurredtothewaiter,however,tobringtheminatoncewhenIarrived。Inthenextroomtwogloomy,angry-lookingpersonswereeatingtheirdinnersinsilenceattwodifferenttables。Therewasagreatdealofnoise,evenshouting,inaroomfurtheraway;onecouldhearthelaughterofacrowdofpeople,andnastylittleshrieksinFrench:therewereladiesatthedinner。Itwassickening,infact。Irarelypassedmoreunpleasantmoments,somuchsothatwhentheydidarrivealltogetherpunctuallyatsixIwasoverjoyedtoseethem,asthoughtheyweremydeliverers,andevenforgotthatitwasincumbentuponmetoshowresentment。

Zverkovwalkedinattheheadofthem;evidentlyhewastheleadingspirit。Heandallofthemwerelaughing;but,seeingme,Zverkovdrewhimselfupalittle,walkeduptomedeliberatelywithaslight,ratherjauntybendfromthewaist。

Heshookhandswithmeinafriendly,butnotover-friendly,fashion,withasortofcircumspectcourtesylikethatofaGeneral,asthoughingivingmehishandhewerewardingoffsomething。Ihadimagined,onthecontrary,thatoncominginhewouldatoncebreakintohishabitualthin,shrilllaughandfalltomakinghisinsipidjokesandwitticisms。Ihadbeenpreparingforthemeversincethepreviousday,butIhadnotexpectedsuchcondescension,suchhigh-officialcourtesy。So,then,hefelthimselfineffablysuperiortomeineveryrespect!Ifheonlymeanttoinsultmebythathigh-officialtone,itwouldnotmatter,Ithought——Icouldpayhimbackforitonewayoranother。Butwhatif,inreality,withouttheleastdesiretobeoffensive,thatsheepsheadhadanotioninearnestthathewassuperiortomeandcouldonlylookatmeinapatronisingway?

Theverysuppositionmademegasp。

\"Iwassurprisedtohearofyourdesiretojoinus,\"hebegan,lispinganddrawling,whichwassomethingnew。\"YouandIseemtohaveseennothingofoneanother。Youshyawayfromus。Youshouldn’t。Wearenotsuchterriblepeopleasyouthink。Well,anyway,Iamgladtorenewouracquaintance。\"

Andheturnedcarelesslytoputdownhishatonthewindow。

\"Haveyoubeenwaitinglong?\"Trudolyubovinquired。

\"Iarrivedatfiveo’clockasyoutoldmeyesterday,\"Iansweredaloud,withanirritabilitythatthreatenedanexplosion。

\"Didn’tyoulethimknowthatwehadchangedthehour?\"saidTrudolyubovtoSimonov。

\"No,Ididn’t。Iforgot,\"thelatterreplied,withnosignofregret,andwithoutevenapologisingtomehewentofftoorderthehorsd’oeuvre。

\"Soyou’vebeenhereawholehour?Oh,poorfellow!\"Zverkovcriedironically,fortohisnotionsthiswasboundtobeextremelyfunny。ThatrascalFerfitchkinfollowedwithhisnastylittlesniggerlikeapuppyyapping。Mypositionstruckhim,too,asexquisitelyludicrousandembarrassing。

\"Itisn’tfunnyatall!\"IcriedtoFerfitchkin,moreandmoreirritated。\"Itwasn’tmyfault,butotherpeople’s。Theyneglectedtoletmeknow。Itwas……itwas……itwassimplyabsurd。\"

\"It’snotonlyabsurd,butsomethingelseaswell,\"mutteredTrudolyubov,naivelytakingmypart。\"Youarenothardenoughuponit。Itwassimplyrudeness——unintentional,ofcourse。AndhowcouldSimonov……h’m!\"

\"Ifatricklikethathadbeenplayedonme,\"observedFerfitchkin,\"Ishould……\"

\"Butyoushouldhaveorderedsomethingforyourself,\"Zverkovinterrupted,\"orsimplyaskedfordinnerwithoutwaitingforus。\"

\"YouwillallowthatImighthavedonethatwithoutyourpermission,\"Irappedout。\"IfIwaited,itwas……\"

\"Letussitdown,gentlemen,\"criedSimonov,comingin。

\"Everythingisready;Icananswerforthechampagne;itiscapitallyfrozen……Yousee,Ididnotknowyouraddress,wherewasItolookforyou?\"hesuddenlyturnedtome,butagainheseemedtoavoidlookingatme。Evidentlyhehadsomethingagainstme。Itmusthavebeenwhathappenedyesterday。

Allsatdown;Ididthesame。Itwasaroundtable。Trudolyubovwasonmyleft,Simonovonmyright,Zverkovwassittingopposite,Ferfitchkinnexttohim,betweenhimandTrudolyubov。

\"Tellme,areyou……inagovernmentoffice?\"Zverkovwentonattendingtome。SeeingthatIwasembarrassedheseriouslythoughtthatheoughttobefriendlytome,and,sotospeak,cheermeup。

\"Doeshewantmetothrowabottleathishead?\"Ithought,inafury。InmynovelsurroundingsIwasunnaturallyreadytobeirritated。

\"IntheN——-office,\"Iansweredjerkily,withmyeyesonmyplate。

\"Andha-aveyouago-odberth?Isay,whatma-a-deyouleaveyouroriginaljob?\"

\"Whatma-a-demewasthatIwantedtoleavemyoriginaljob,\"I

drawledmorethanhe,hardlyabletocontrolmyself。Ferfitchkinwentoffintoaguffaw。Simonovlookedatmeironically。

Trudolyubovleftoffeatingandbeganlookingatmewithcuriosity。

Zverkovwinced,buthetriednottonoticeit。

\"Andtheremuneration?\"

\"Whatremuneration?\"

\"Imean,yoursa-a-lary?\"

\"Whyareyoucross-examiningme?\"However,Itoldhimatoncewhatmysalarywas。Iturnedhorriblyred。

\"Itisnotveryhandsome,\"Zverkovobservedmajestically\"Yes,youcan’taffordtodineatcafesonthat,\"Ferfitchkinaddedinsolently\"Tomythinkingit’sverypoor,\"Trudolyubovobservedgravely。

\"Andhowthinyouhavegrown!Howyouhavechanged!\"addedZverkov,withashadeofvenominhisvoice,scanningmeandmyattirewithasortofinsolentcompassion。

\"Oh,sparehisblushes,\"criedFerfitchkin,sniggering。

\"Mydearsir,allowmetotellyouIamnotblushing,\"Ibrokeoutatlast;\"doyouhear?Iamdininghere,atthiscafe,atmyownexpense,notatotherpeople’s——notethat,Mr。Ferfitchkin。\"

\"Wha-at?Isn’teveryoneherediningathisownexpense?Youwouldseemtobe……\"Ferfitchkinflewoutatme,turningasredasalobster,andlookingmeinthefacewithfury。

\"Tha-at,\"Ianswered,feelingIhadgonetoofar,\"andIimagineitwouldbebettertotalkofsomethingmoreintelligent。\"

\"Youintendtoshowoffyourintelligence,Isuppose?\"

\"Don’tdisturbyourself,thatwouldbequiteoutofplacehere。\"

\"Whyareyouclackingawaylikethat,mygoodsir,eh?Haveyougoneoutofyourwitsinyouroffice?\"

\"Enough,gentlemen,enough!\"Zverkovcried,authoritatively。

\"Howstupiditis!\"mutteredSimonov。

\"Itreallyisstupid。Wehavemethere,acompanyoffriends,forafarewelldinnertoacomradeandyoucarryonanaltercation,\"saidTrudolyubov,rudelyaddressinghimselftomealone。\"Youinvitedyourselftojoinus,sodon’tdisturbthegeneralharmony。\"

\"Enough,enough!\"criedZverkov。\"Giveover,gentlemen,it’soutofplace。BetterletmetellyouhowInearlygotmarriedthedaybeforeyesterday……\"

Andthenfollowedaburlesquenarrativeofhowthisgentlemanhadalmostbeenmarriedtwodaysbefore。Therewasnotawordaboutthemarriage,however,butthestorywasadornedwithgenerals,colonelsandkammer-junkers,whileZverkovalmosttooktheleadamongthem。Itwasgreetedwithapprovinglaughter;Ferfitchkinpositivelysquealed。

Noonepaidanyattentiontome,andIsatcrushedandhumiliated。

\"GoodHeavens,thesearenotthepeopleforme!\"Ithought。\"AndwhatafoolIhavemadeofmyselfbeforethem!IletFerfitchkingotoofar,though。Thebrutesimaginetheyaredoingmeanhonourinlettingmesitdownwiththem。Theydon’tunderstandthatit’sanhonourtothemandnottome!I’vegrownthinner!

Myclothes!Oh,damnmytrousers!Zverkovnoticedtheyellowstainonthekneeassoonashecamein……Butwhat’stheuse!

Imustgetupatonce,thisveryminute,takemyhatandsimplygowithoutaword……withcontempt!AndtomorrowIcansendachallenge。Thescoundrels!AsthoughIcaredaboutthesevenroubles。Theymaythink……Damnit!Idon’tcareaboutthesevenroubles。I’llgothisminute!\"

OfcourseIremained。IdranksherryandLafittebytheglassfulinmydiscomfiture。Beingunaccustomedtoit,Iwasquicklyaffected。Myannoyanceincreasedasthewinewenttomyhead。I

longedallatoncetoinsultthemallinamostflagrantmannerandthengoaway。ToseizethemomentandshowwhatIcoulddo,sothattheywouldsay,\"He’sclever,thoughheisabsurd,\"

and……and……infact,damnthemall!

Iscannedthemallinsolentlywithmydrowsyeyes。Buttheyseemedtohaveforgottenmealtogether。Theywerenoisy,vociferous,cheerful。Zverkovwastalkingallthetime。Ibeganlistening。Zverkovwastalkingofsomeexuberantladywhomhehadatlastledontodeclaringherlove(ofcourse,hewaslyinglikeahorse),andhowhehadbeenhelpedinthisaffairbyanintimatefriendofhis,aPrinceKolya,anofficerinthehussars,whohadthreethousandserfs。

\"AndyetthisKolya,whohasthreethousandserfs,hasnotputinanappearanceheretonighttoseeyouoff,\"Icutinsuddenly。

Foroneminuteeveryonewassilent。

\"Youaredrunkalready。\"Trudolyubovdeignedtonoticemeatlast,glancingcontemptuouslyinmydirection。Zverkov,withoutaword,examinedmeasthoughIwereaninsect。Idroppedmyeyes。Simonovmadehastetofilluptheglasseswithchampagne。

Trudolyubovraisedhisglass,asdideveryoneelsebutme。

\"Yourhealthandgoodluckonthejourney!\"hecriedtoZverkov。

\"Tooldtimes,toourfuture,hurrah!\"

Theyalltossedofftheirglasses,andcrowdedroundZverkovtokisshim。Ididnotmove;myfullglassstooduntouchedbeforeme。

\"Why,aren’tyougoingtodrinkit?\"roaredTrudolyubov,losingpatienceandturningmenacinglytome。

\"Iwanttomakeaspeechseparately,onmyownaccount……andthenI’lldrinkit,Mr。Trudolyubov。\"

\"Spitefulbrute!\"mutteredSimonov。Idrewmyselfupinmychairandfeverishlyseizedmyglass,preparedforsomethingextraordinary,thoughIdidnotknowmyselfpreciselywhatIwasgoingtosay。

\"_Silence!_\"criedFerfitchkin。\"Nowforadisplayofwit!\"

Zverkovwaitedverygravely,knowingwhatwascoming。

\"Mr。LieutenantZverkov,\"Ibegan,\"letmetellyouthatIhatephrases,phrasemongersandmenincorsets……that’sthefirstpoint,andthereisasecondonetofollowit。\"

Therewasageneralstir。

\"Thesecondpointis:Ihateribaldryandribaldtalkers。

Especiallyribaldtalkers!Thethirdpoint:Ilovejustice,truthandhonesty。\"Iwentonalmostmechanically,forIwasbeginningtoshiverwithhorrormyselfandhadnoideahowIcametobetalkinglikethis。\"Ilovethought,MonsieurZverkov;I

lovetruecomradeship,onanequalfootingandnot……H’m……Ilove……But,however,whynot?Iwilldrinkyourhealth,too,Mr。

Zverkov。SeducetheCircassiangirls,shoottheenemiesofthefatherlandand……and……toyourhealth,MonsieurZverkov!\"

Zverkovgotupfromhisseat,bowedtomeandsaid:

\"Iamverymuchobligedtoyou。\"Hewasfrightfullyoffendedandturnedpale。

\"Damnthefellow!\"roaredTrudolyubov,bringinghisfistdownonthetable。

\"Well,hewantsapunchinthefaceforthat,\"squealedFerfitchkin。

\"Weoughttoturnhimout,\"mutteredSimonov。

\"Notaword,gentlemen,notamovement!\"criedZverkovsolemnly,checkingthegeneralindignation。\"Ithankyouall,butIcanshowhimformyselfhowmuchvalueIattachtohiswords。\"

\"Mr。Ferfitchkin,youwillgivemesatisfactiontomorrowforyourwordsjustnow!\"Isaidaloud,turningwithdignitytoFerfitchkin。

\"Aduel,youmean?Certainly,\"heanswered。ButprobablyIwassoridiculousasIchallengedhimanditwassooutofkeepingwithmyappearancethateveryoneincludingFerfitchkinwasprostratewithlaughter。

\"Yes,lethimalone,ofcourse!Heisquitedrunk,\"Trudolyubovsaidwithdisgust。

\"Ishallneverforgivemyselfforlettinghimjoinus,\"Simonovmutteredagain。

\"Nowisthetimetothrowabottleattheirheads,\"Ithoughttomyself。Ipickedupthebottle……andfilledmyglass……\"No,I’dbettersitontotheend,\"Iwentonthinking;\"youwouldbepleased,myfriends,ifIwentaway。Nothingwillinducemetogo。I’llgoonsittinghereanddrinkingtotheend,onpurpose,asasignthatIdon’tthinkyouoftheslightestconsequence。I

willgoonsittinganddrinking,becausethisisapublic-houseandIpaidmyentrancemoney。I’llsithereanddrink,forI

lookuponyouassomanypawns,asinanimatepawns。I’llsithereanddrink……andsingifIwantto,yes,sing,forIhavetherightto……tosing……H’m!\"

ButIdidnotsing。Isimplytriednottolookatanyofthem。

Iassumedmostunconcernedattitudesandwaitedwithimpatienceforthemtospeak_first_。Butalas,theydidnotaddressme!

Andoh,howIwished,howIwishedatthatmomenttobereconciledtothem!Itstruckeight,atlastnine。Theymovedfromthetabletothesofa。Zverkovstretchedhimselfonaloungeandputonefootonaroundtable。Winewasbroughtthere。Hedid,asafact,orderthreebottlesonhisownaccount。I,ofcourse,wasnotinvitedtojointhem。Theyallsatroundhimonthesofa。Theylistenedtohim,almostwithreverence。Itwasevidentthattheywerefondofhim。\"Whatfor?Whatfor?\"Iwondered。Fromtimetotimetheyweremovedtodrunkenenthusiasmandkissedeachother。TheytalkedoftheCaucasus,ofthenatureoftruepassion,ofsnugberthsintheservice,oftheincomeofanhussarcalledPodharzhevsky,whomnoneofthemknewpersonally,andrejoicedinthelargenessofit,oftheextraordinarygraceandbeautyofaPrincessD。,whomnoneofthemhadeverseen;thenitcametoShakespeare’sbeingimmortal。

Ismiledcontemptuouslyandwalkedupanddowntheothersideoftheroom,oppositethesofa,fromthetabletothestoveandbackagain。ItriedmyveryutmosttoshowthemthatIcoulddowithoutthem,andyetIpurposelymadeanoisewithmyboots,thumpingwithmyheels。Butitwasallinvain。Theypaidnoattention。Ihadthepatiencetowalkupanddowninfrontofthemfromeighto’clocktilleleven,inthesameplace,fromthetabletothestoveandbackagain。\"Iwalkupanddowntopleasemyselfandnoonecanpreventme。\"Thewaiterwhocameintotheroomstopped,fromtimetotime,tolookatme。Iwassomewhatgiddyfromturningroundsooften;atmomentsitseemedtomethatIwasindelirium。DuringthosethreehoursIwasthreetimessoakedwithsweatanddryagain。Attimes,withanintense,acutepangIwasstabbedtotheheartbythethoughtthattenyears,twentyyears,fortyyearswouldpass,andthateveninfortyyearsIwouldrememberwithloathingandhumiliationthosefilthiest,mostludicrous,andmostawfulmomentsofmylife。Noonecouldhavegoneoutofhiswaytodegradehimselfmoreshamelessly,andIfullyrealisedit,fully,andyetIwentonpacingupanddownfromthetabletothestove。

\"Oh,ifyouonlyknewwhatthoughtsandfeelingsIamcapableof,howculturedIam!\"Ithoughtatmoments,mentallyaddressingthesofaonwhichmyenemiesweresitting。ButmyenemiesbehavedasthoughIwerenotintheroom。Once——onlyonce——theyturnedtowardsme,justwhenZverkovwastalkingaboutShakespeare,andIsuddenlygaveacontemptuouslaugh。Ilaughedinsuchanaffectedanddisgustingwaythattheyallatoncebrokeofftheirconversation,andsilentlyandgravelyfortwominuteswatchedmewalkingupanddownfromthetabletothestove,_takingnonoticeofthem_。Butnothingcameofit:theysaidnothing,andtwominuteslatertheyceasedtonoticemeagain。Itstruckeleven。

\"Friends,\"criedZverkovgettingupfromthesofa,\"letusallbeoffnow,_there_!\"

\"Ofcourse,ofcourse,\"theothersassented。IturnedsharplytoZverkov。Iwassoharassed,soexhausted,thatIwouldhavecutmythroattoputanendtoit。Iwasinafever;myhair,soakedwithperspiration,stucktomyforeheadandtemples。

\"Zverkov,Ibegyourpardon,\"Isaidabruptlyandresolutely。

\"Ferfitchkin,yourstoo,andeveryone’s,everyone’s:Ihaveinsultedyouall!\"

\"Aha!Aduelisnotinyourline,oldman,\"Ferfitchkinhissedvenomously。

Itsentasharppangtomyheart。

\"No,it’snottheduelIamafraidof,Ferfitchkin!Iamreadytofightyoutomorrow,afterwearereconciled。Iinsistuponit,infact,andyoucannotrefuse。IwanttoshowyouthatIamnotafraidofaduel。YoushallfirefirstandIshallfireintotheair。\"

\"Heiscomfortinghimself,\"saidSimonov。

\"He’ssimplyraving,\"saidTrudolyubov。

\"Butletuspass。Whyareyoubarringourway?Whatdoyouwant?\"ZverkovanswereddisdainfullyTheywereallflushed,theireyeswerebright:theyhadbeendrinkingheavily。

\"Iaskforyourfriendship,Zverkov;Iinsultedyou,but……\"

\"Insulted?_You_insulted_me_?Understand,sir,thatyounever,underanycircumstances,couldpossiblyinsult_me_。\"

\"Andthat’senoughforyou。Outoftheway!\"concludedTrudolyubov。

\"Olympiaismine,friends,that’sagreed!\"criedZverkov。

\"Wewon’tdisputeyourright,wewon’tdisputeyourright,\"theothersanswered,laughing。

Istoodasthoughspatupon。Thepartywentnoisilyoutoftheroom。Trudolyubovstruckupsomestupidsong。Simonovremainedbehindforamomenttotipthewaiters。Isuddenlywentuptohim。

\"Simonov!givemesixroubles!\"Isaid,withdesperateresolution。

Helookedatmeinextremeamazement,withvacanteyes。He,too,wasdrunk。

\"Youdon’tmeanyouarecomingwithus?\"

\"Yes。\"

\"I’venomoney,\"hesnappedout,andwithascornfullaughhewentoutoftheroom。

Iclutchedathisovercoat。Itwasanightmare。

\"Simonov,Isawyouhadmoney。Whydoyourefuseme?AmIascoundrel?Bewareofrefusingme:ifyouknew,ifyouknewwhyI

amasking!Mywholefuture,mywholeplansdependuponit!\"

Simonovpulledoutthemoneyandalmostflungitatme。

\"Takeit,ifyouhavenosenseofshame!\"hepronouncedpitilessly,andrantoovertakethem。

Iwasleftforamomentalone。Disorder,theremainsofdinner,abrokenwine-glassonthefloor,spiltwine,cigaretteends,fumesofdrinkanddeliriuminmybrain,anagonisingmiseryinmyheartandfinallythewaiter,whohadseenandheardallandwaslookinginquisitivelyintomyface。

\"Iamgoingthere!\"Icried。\"Eithertheyshallallgodownontheirkneestobegformyfriendship,orIwillgiveZverkovaslapintheface!\"

V

\"Sothisisit,thisisitatlast——contactwithreallife,\"I

mutteredasIranheadlongdownstairs。\"ThisisverydifferentfromthePope’sleavingRomeandgoingtoBrazil,verydifferentfromtheballonLakeComo!\"

\"Youareascoundrel,\"athoughtflashedthroughmymind,\"ifyoulaughatthisnow。\"

\"Nomatter!\"Icried,answeringmyself。\"Noweverythingislost!\"

Therewasnotracetobeseenofthem,butthatmadenodifference——Iknewwheretheyhadgone。

Atthestepswasstandingasolitarynightsledge-driverinaroughpeasantcoat,powderedoverwiththestillfalling,wet,andasitwerewarm,snow。Itwashotandsteamy。Thelittleshaggypiebaldhorsewasalsocoveredwithsnowandcoughing,I

rememberthatverywell。Imadearushfortheroughlymadesledge;butassoonasIraisedmyfoottogetintoit,therecollectionofhowSimonovhadjustgivenmesixroublesseemedtodoublemeupandItumbledintothesledgelikeasack。

\"No,Imustdoagreatdealtomakeupforallthat,\"Icried。

\"ButIwillmakeupforitorperishonthespotthisverynight。

Start!\"

Wesetoff。Therewasaperfectwhirlinmyhead。

\"Theywon’tgodownontheirkneestobegformyfriendship。

Thatisamirage,cheapmirage,revolting,romanticandfantastical——that’sanotherballonLakeComo。AndsoIamboundtoslapZverkov’sface!Itismydutyto。Andsoitissettled;

Iamflyingtogivehimaslapintheface。Hurryup!\"

Thedrivertuggedatthereins。

\"AssoonasIgoinI’llgiveithim。OughtIbeforegivinghimtheslaptosayafewwordsbywayofpreface?No。I’llsimplygoinandgiveithim。Theywillallbesittinginthedrawing-room,andhewithOlympiaonthesofa。ThatdamnedOlympia!Shelaughedatmylooksononeoccasionandrefusedme。

I’llpullOlympia’shair,pullZverkov’sears!No,betteroneear,andpullhimbyitroundtheroom。Maybetheywillallbeginbeatingmeandwillkickmeout。That’smostlikely,indeed。Nomatter!Anyway,Ishallfirstslaphim;theinitiativewillbemine;andbythelawsofhonourthatiseverything:hewillbebrandedandcannotwipeofftheslapbyanyblows,bynothingbutaduel。Hewillbeforcedtofight。

Andletthembeatmenow。Letthem,theungratefulwretches!

Trudolyubovwillbeatmehardest,heissostrong;Ferfitchkinwillbesuretocatchholdsidewaysandtugatmyhair。Butnomatter,nomatter!That’swhatIamgoingfor。Theblockheadswillbeforcedatlasttoseethetragedyofitall!WhentheydragmetothedoorIshallcallouttothemthatinrealitytheyarenotworthmylittlefinger。Geton,driver,geton!\"Icriedtothedriver。Hestartedandflickedhiswhip,Ishoutedsosavagely。

\"Weshallfightatdaybreak,that’sasettledthing。I’vedonewiththeoffice。Ferfitchkinmadeajokeaboutitjustnow。ButwherecanIgetpistols?Nonsense!I’llgetmysalaryinadvanceandbuythem。Andpowder,andbullets?That’sthesecond’sbusiness。Andhowcanitallbedonebydaybreak?andwhereamItogetasecond?Ihavenofriends。Nonsense!\"I

cried,lashingmyselfupmoreandmore。\"It’sofnoconsequence!

thefirstpersonImeetinthestreetisboundtobemysecond,justashewouldbeboundtopulladrowningmanoutofwater。

Themosteccentricthingsmayhappen。EvenifIweretoaskthedirectorhimselftobemysecondtomorrow,hewouldbeboundtoconsent,ifonlyfromafeelingofchivalry,andtokeepthesecret!AntonAntonitch……\"

Thefactis,thatatthatveryminutethedisgustingabsurdityofmyplanandtheothersideofthequestionwasclearerandmorevividtomyimaginationthanitcouldbetoanyoneonearth。But……

\"Geton,driver,geton,yourascal,geton!\"

\"Ugh,sir!\"saidthesonoftoil。

Coldshiverssuddenlyrandownme。Wouldn’titbebetter……togostraighthome?MyGod,myGod!WhydidIinvitemyselftothisdinneryesterday?Butno,it’simpossible。Andmywalkingupanddownforthreehoursfromthetabletothestove?No,they,theyandnooneelsemustpayformywalkingupanddown!Theymustwipeoutthisdishonour!Driveon!

Andwhatiftheygivemeintocustody?Theywon’tdare!They’llbeafraidofthescandal。AndwhatifZverkovissocontemptuousthatherefusestofightaduel?Heissureto;butinthatcaseI’llshowthem……Iwillturnupatthepostingstationwhenhe’ssettingofftomorrow,I’llcatchhimbytheleg,I’llpulloffhiscoatwhenhegetsintothecarriage。I’llgetmyteethintohishand,I’llbitehim。\"Seewhatlengthsyoucandriveadesperatemanto!\"Hemayhitmeontheheadandtheymaybelabourmefrombehind。Iwillshouttotheassembledmultitude:\"LookatthisyoungpuppywhoisdrivingofftocaptivatetheCircassiangirlsafterlettingmespitinhisface!\"

Ofcourse,afterthateverythingwillbeover!Theofficewillhavevanishedoffthefaceoftheearth。Ishallbearrested,I

shallbetried,Ishallbedismissedfromtheservice,throwninprison,senttoSiberia。Nevermind!InfifteenyearswhentheyletmeoutofprisonIwilltrudgeofftohim,abeggar,inrags。

Ishallfindhiminsomeprovincialtown。Hewillbemarriedandhappy。Hewillhaveagrown-updaughter……Ishallsaytohim:

\"Look,monster,atmyhollowcheeksandmyrags!I’velosteverything——mycareer,myhappiness,art,science,_thewomanI

loved_,andallthroughyou。Herearepistols。Ihavecometodischargemypistoland……andI……forgiveyou。ThenIshallfireintotheairandhewillhearnothingmoreofme……\"

Iwasactuallyonthepointoftears,thoughIknewperfectlywellatthatmomentthatallthiswasoutofPushkin’sSilvioandLermontov’sMasquerade。AndallatonceIfelthorriblyashamed,soashamedthatIstoppedthehorse,gotoutofthesledge,andstoodstillinthesnowinthemiddleofthestreet。Thedrivergazedatme,sighingandastonished。

WhatwasItodo?Icouldnotgoonthere——itwasevidentlystupid,andIcouldnotleavethingsastheywere,becausethatwouldseemasthough……Heavens,howcouldIleavethings!Andaftersuchinsults!\"No!\"Icried,throwingmyselfintothesledgeagain。\"Itisordained!Itisfate!Driveon,driveon!\"

AndinmyimpatienceIpunchedthesledge-driveronthebackoftheneck。

\"Whatareyouupto?Whatareyouhittingmefor?\"thepeasantshouted,buthewhippeduphisnagsothatitbegankicking。

Thewetsnowwasfallinginbigflakes;Iunbuttonedmyself,regardlessofit。Iforgoteverythingelse,forIhadfinallydecidedontheslap,andfeltwithhorrorthatitwasgoingtohappen_now,atonce_,andthat_noforcecouldstopit_。Thedesertedstreetlampsgleamedsullenlyintheshowydarknessliketorchesatafuneral。Thesnowdriftedundermygreat-coat,undermycoat,undermycravat,andmeltedthere。Ididnotwrapmyselfup——allwaslost,anyway。

Atlastwearrived。Ijumpedout,almostunconscious,railupthestepsandbeganknockingandkickingatthedoor。Ifeltfearfullyweak,particularlyinmylegsandknees。ThedoorwasopenedquicklyasthoughtheyknewIwascoming。Asafact,Simonovhadwarnedthemthatperhapsanothergentlemanwouldarrive,andthiswasaplaceinwhichonehadtogivenoticeandtoobservecertainprecautions。Itwasoneofthose\"millineryestablishments\"whichwereabolishedbythepoliceagoodtimeago。Bydayitreallywasashop;butatnight,ifonehadanintroduction,onemightvisititforotherpurposes。

Iwalkedrapidlythroughthedarkshopintothefamiliardrawing-

room,wheretherewasonlyonecandleburning,andstoodstillinamazement:therewasnoonethere。\"Wherearethey?\"Iaskedsomebody。Butbynow,ofcourse,theyhadseparated。Beforemewasstandingapersonwithastupidsmile,the\"madam\"herself,whohadseenmebefore。Aminutelateradooropenedandanotherpersoncamein。

TakingnonoticeofanythingIstrodeabouttheroom,and,I

believe,Italkedtomyself。IfeltasthoughIhadbeensavedfromdeathandwasconsciousofthis,joyfully,allover:I

shouldhavegiventhatslap,Ishouldcertainly,certainlyhavegivenit!Butnowtheywerenothereand……everythinghadvanishedandchanged!Ilookedround。Icouldnotrealisemyconditionyet。Ilookedmechanicallyatthegirlwhohadcomein:andhadaglimpseofafresh,young,ratherpaleface,withstraight,darkeyebrows,andwithgrave,asitwerewondering,eyesthatattractedmeatonce;Ishouldhavehatedherifshehadbeensmiling。Ibeganlookingathermoreintentlyand,asitwere,witheffort。Ihadnotfullycollectedmythoughts。

Therewassomethingsimpleandgood-naturedinherface,butsomethingstrangelygrave。Iamsurethatthisstoodinherwayhere,andnooneofthosefoolshadnoticedher。Shecouldnot,however,havebeencalledabeauty,thoughshewastall,strong-looking,andwellbuilt。Shewasverysimplydressed。

Somethingloathsomestirredwithinme。Iwentstraightuptoher。

Ichancedtolookintotheglass。Myharassedfacestruckmeasrevoltingintheextreme,pale,angry,abject,withdishevelledhair。\"Nomatter,Iamgladofit,\"Ithought;\"IamgladthatI

shallseemrepulsivetoher;Ilikethat。\"

VI……Somewherebehindascreenaclockbeganwheezing,asthoughoppressedbysomething,asthoughsomeonewerestranglingit。

Afteranunnaturallyprolongedwheezingtherefollowedashrill,nasty,andasitwereunexpectedlyrapid,chime——asthoughsomeoneweresuddenlyjumpingforward。Itstrucktwo。Iwokeup,thoughIhadindeednotbeenasleepbutlyinghalf-conscious。

Itwasalmostcompletelydarkinthenarrow,cramped,low-pitchedroom,cumberedupwithanenormouswardrobeandpilesofcardboardboxesandallsortsoffripperyandlitter。Thecandleendthathadbeenburningonthetablewasgoingoutandgaveafaintflickerfromtimetotime。Inafewminutestherewouldbecompletedarkness。

Iwasnotlongincomingtomyself;everythingcamebacktomymindatonce,withoutaneffort,asthoughithadbeeninambushtopounceuponmeagain。And,indeed,evenwhileIwasunconsciousapointseemedcontinuallytoremaininmymemoryunforgotten,androunditmydreamsmoveddrearily。Butstrangetosay,everythingthathadhappenedtomeinthatdayseemedtomenow,onwaking,tobeinthefar,farawaypast,asthoughI

hadlong,longagolivedallthatdown。

Myheadwasfulloffumes。Somethingseemedtobehoveringoverme,rousingme,excitingme,andmakingmerestless。Miseryandspiteseemedsurgingupinmeagainandseekinganoutlet。

SuddenlyIsawbesidemetwowideopeneyesscrutinisingmecuriouslyandpersistently。Thelookinthoseeyeswascoldlydetached,sullen,asitwereutterlyremote;itweigheduponme。

Agrimideacameintomybrainandpassedallovermybody,asahorriblesensation,suchasonefeelswhenonegoesintoadampandmouldycellar。Therewassomethingunnaturalinthosetwoeyes,beginningtolookatmeonlynow。Irecalled,too,thatduringthosetwohoursIhadnotsaidasinglewordtothiscreature,andhad,infact,considereditutterlysuperfluous;infact,thesilencehadforsomereasongratifiedme。NowI

suddenlyrealisedvividlythehideousidea——revoltingasaspider——ofvice,which,withoutlove,grosslyandshamelesslybeginswiththatinwhichtruelovefindsitsconsummation。Foralongtimewegazedateachotherlikethat,butshedidnotdrophereyesbeforemineandherexpressiondidnotchange,sothatatlastIfeltuncomfortable。

\"Whatisyourname?\"Iaskedabruptly,toputanendtoit。

\"Liza,\"sheansweredalmostinawhisper,butsomehowfarfromgraciously,andsheturnedhereyesaway。

Iwassilent。

\"Whatweather!Thesnow……it’sdisgusting!\"Isaid,almosttomyself,puttingmyarmundermyheaddespondently,andgazingattheceiling。

Shemadenoanswer。Thiswashorrible。

\"HaveyoualwayslivedinPetersburg?\"Iaskedaminutelater,almostangrily,turningmyheadslightlytowardsher。

\"No。\"

\"Wheredoyoucomefrom?\"

\"FromRiga,\"sheansweredreluctantly。

\"AreyouaGerman?\"

\"No,Russian。\"

\"Haveyoubeenherelong?\"

\"Where?\"

\"Inthishouse?\"

\"Afortnight。\"

Shespokemoreandmorejerkily。Thecandlewentout;Icouldnolongerdistinguishherface。

\"Haveyouafatherandmother?\"

\"Yes……no……Ihave。\"

\"Wherearethey?\"

\"There……inRiga。\"

\"Whatarethey?\"

\"Oh,nothing。\"

\"Nothing?Why,whatclassarethey?\"

\"Tradespeople。\"

\"Haveyoualwayslivedwiththem?\"

\"Yes。\"

\"Howoldareyou?\"

\"Twenty。\"

\"Whydidyouleavethem?\"

\"Oh,fornoreason。\"

Thatanswermeant\"Letmealone;Ifeelsick,sad。\"

Weweresilent。

GodknowswhyIdidnotgoaway。Ifeltmyselfmoreandmoresickanddreary。Theimagesofthepreviousdaybeganofthemselves,apartfrommywill,flittingthroughmymemoryinconfusion。IsuddenlyrecalledsomethingIhadseenthatmorningwhen,fullofanxiousthoughts,Iwashurryingtotheoffice。

\"Isawthemcarryingacoffinoutyesterdayandtheynearlydroppedit,\"Isuddenlysaidaloud,notthatIdesiredtoopentheconversation,butasitwerebyaccident。

\"Acoffin?\"

\"Yes,intheHaymarket;theywerebringingitupoutofacellar。\"

\"Fromacellar?\"

\"Notfromacellar,butabasement。Oh,youknow……downbelow……fromahouseofill-fame。Itwasfilthyallround……Egg-shells,litter……astench。Itwasloathsome。\"

Silence。

\"Anastydaytobeburied,\"Ibegan,simplytoavoidbeingsilent。

\"Nasty,inwhatway?\"

\"Thesnow,thewet。\"(Iyawned。)

\"Itmakesnodifference,\"shesaidsuddenly,afterabriefsilence。

\"No,it’shorrid。\"(Iyawnedagain)。\"Thegravediggersmusthaveswornatgettingdrenchedbythesnow。Andtheremusthavebeenwaterinthegrave。\"

\"Whywaterinthegrave?\"sheasked,withasortofcuriosity,butspeakingevenmoreharshlyandabruptlythanbefore。

Isuddenlybegantofeelprovoked。

\"Why,theremusthavebeenwateratthebottomafootdeep。Youcan’tdigadrygraveinVolkovoCemetery。\"

\"Why?\"

\"Why?Why,theplaceiswaterlogged。It’saregularmarsh。Sotheyburytheminwater。I’veseenitmyself……manytimes。\"

(Ihadneverseenitonce,indeedIhadneverbeeninVolkovo,andhadonlyheardstoriesofit。)

\"Doyoumeantosay,youdon’tmindhowyoudie?\"

\"ButwhyshouldIdie?\"sheanswered,asthoughdefendingherself。

\"Why,somedayyouwilldie,andyouwilldiejustthesameasthatdeadwoman。Shewas……agirllikeyou。Shediedofconsumption。\"

\"Awenchwouldhavediedinhospital……\"(Sheknowsallaboutitalready:shesaid\"wench,\"not\"girl。\")

\"Shewasindebttohermadam,\"Iretorted,moreandmoreprovokedbythediscussion;\"andwentonearningmoneyforheruptotheend,thoughshewasinconsumption。Somesledge-driversstandingbyweretalkingabouthertosomesoldiersandtellingthemso。Nodoubttheyknewher。Theywerelaughing。Theyweregoingtomeetinapot-housetodrinktohermemory。\"

Agreatdealofthiswasmyinvention。Silencefollowed,profoundsilence。Shedidnotstir。

\"Andisitbettertodieinahospital?\"

\"Isn’titjustthesame?Besides,whyshouldIdie?\"sheaddedirritably。

\"Ifnotnow,alittlelater。\"

\"Whyalittlelater?\"

\"Why,indeed?Nowyouareyoung,pretty,fresh,youfetchahighprice。Butafteranotheryearofthislifeyouwillbeverydifferent——youwillgooff。\"

\"Inayear?\"

\"Anyway,inayearyouwillbeworthless,\"Icontinuedmalignantly。\"Youwillgofromheretosomethinglower,anotherhouse;ayearlater——toathird,lowerandlower,andinsevenyearsyouwillcometoabasementintheHaymarket。Thatwillbeifyouwerelucky。Butitwouldbemuchworseifyougotsomedisease,consumption,say……andcaughtachill,orsomethingorother。It’snoteasytogetoveranillnessinyourwayoflife。

Ifyoucatchanythingyoumaynotgetridofit。Andsoyouwoulddie。\"

\"Oh,well,thenIshalldie,\"sheanswered,quitevindictively,andshemadeaquickmovement。

\"Butoneissorry。\"

\"Sorryforwhom?\"

\"Sorryforlife。\"

Silence。

\"Haveyoubeenengagedtobemarried?Eh?\"

\"What’sthattoyou?\"

\"Oh,Iamnotcross-examiningyou。It’snothingtome。Whyareyousocross?Ofcourseyoumayhavehadyourowntroubles。

Whatisittome?It’ssimplythatIfeltsorry。\"

\"Sorryforwhom?\"

\"Sorryforyou。\"

\"Noneed,\"shewhisperedhardlyaudibly,andagainmadeafaintmovement。

Thatincensedmeatonce。What!Iwassogentlewithher,andshe……

\"Why,doyouthinkthatyouareontherightpath?\"

\"Idon’tthinkanything。\"

\"That’swhat’swrong,thatyoudon’tthink。Realiseitwhilethereisstilltime。Therestillistime。Youarestillyoung,good-looking;youmightlove,bemarried,behappy……\"

\"Notallmarriedwomenarehappy,\"shesnappedoutintherudeabrupttoneshehadusedatfirst。

\"Notall,ofcourse,butanywayitismuchbetterthanthelifehere。Infinitelybetter。Besides,withloveonecanliveevenwithouthappiness。Eveninsorrowlifeissweet;lifeissweet,howeveronelives。Butherewhatistherebut……foulness?

Phew!\"

Iturnedawaywithdisgust;Iwasnolongerreasoningcoldly。I

begantofeelmyselfwhatIwassayingandwarmedtothesubject。

IwasalreadylongingtoexpoundthecherishedideasIhadbroodedoverinmycorner。Somethingsuddenlyflaredupinme。

Anobjecthadappearedbeforeme。

\"Nevermindmybeinghere,Iamnotanexampleforyou。Iam,perhaps,worsethanyouare。IwasdrunkwhenIcamehere,though,\"Ihastened,however,tosayinself-defence。\"Besides,amanisnoexampleforawoman。It’sadifferentthing。Imaydegradeanddefilemyself,butIamnotanyone’sslave。Icomeandgo,andthat’sanendofit。Ishakeitoff,andIamadifferentman。Butyouareaslavefromthestart。Yes,aslave!Yougiveupeverything,yourwholefreedom。Ifyouwanttobreakyourchainsafterwards,youwon’tbeableto;youwillbemoreandmorefastinthesnares。Itisanaccursedbondage。

Iknowit。Iwon’tspeakofanythingelse,maybeyouwon’tunderstand,buttellme:nodoubtyouareindebttoyourmadam?

There,yousee,\"Iadded,thoughshemadenoanswer,butonlylistenedinsilence,entirelyabsorbed,\"that’sabondageforyou!Youwillneverbuyyourfreedom。Theywillseetothat。

It’slikesellingyoursoultothedevil……Andbesides……

perhaps,Itoo,amjustasunlucky——howdoyouknow——andwallowinthemudonpurpose,outofmisery?Youknow,mentaketodrinkfromgrief;well,maybeIamherefromgrief。Come,tellme,whatistheregoodhere?HereyouandI……cametogether……justnowanddidnotsayonewordtooneanotherallthetime,anditwasonlyafterwardsyoubeganstaringatmelikeawildcreature,andIatyou。Isthatloving?Isthathowonehumanbeingshouldmeetanother?It’shideous,that’swhatitis!\"

\"Yes!\"sheassentedsharplyandhurriedly。

Iwaspositivelyastoundedbythepromptitudeofthis\"Yes。\"Sothesamethoughtmayhavebeenstrayingthroughhermindwhenshewasstaringatmejustbefore。Soshe,too,wascapableofcertainthoughts?\"Damnitall,thiswasinteresting,thiswasapointoflikeness!\"Ithought,almostrubbingmyhands。Andindeedit’seasytoturnayoungsoullikethat!

Itwastheexerciseofmypowerthatattractedmemost。

Sheturnedherheadnearertome,anditseemedtomeinthedarknessthatsheproppedherselfonherarm。Perhapsshewasscrutinisingme。HowIregrettedthatIcouldnotseehereyes。

Iheardherdeepbreathing。

\"Whyhaveyoucomehere?\"Iaskedher,withanoteofauthorityalreadyinmyvoice。

\"Oh,Idon’tknow。\"

\"Buthowniceitwouldbetobelivinginyourfather’shouse!

It’swarmandfree;youhaveahomeofyourown。\"

\"Butwhatifit’sworsethanthis?\"

\"Imusttaketherighttone,\"flashedthroughmymind。\"Imaynotgetfarwithsentimentality。\"Butitwasonlyamomentarythought。Iswearshereallydidinterestme。Besides,Iwasexhaustedandmoody。Andcunningsoeasilygoeshand-in-handwithfeeling。

\"Whodeniesit!\"Ihastenedtoanswer。\"Anythingmayhappen。I

amconvincedthatsomeonehaswrongedyou,andthatyouaremoresinnedagainstthansinning。Ofcourse,Iknownothingofyourstory,butit’snotlikelyagirllikeyouhascomehereofherowninclination……\"

\"Agirllikeme?\"shewhispered,hardlyaudibly;butIheardit。

Damnitall,Iwasflatteringher。Thatwashorrid。Butperhapsitwasagoodthing……Shewassilent。

\"See,Liza,Iwilltellyouaboutmyself。IfIhadhadahomefromchildhood,Ishouldn’tbewhatIamnow。Ioftenthinkthat。Howeverbaditmaybeathome,anywaytheyareyourfatherandmother,andnotenemies,strangers。Onceayearatleast,they’llshowtheirloveofyou。Anyway,youknowyouareathome。Igrewupwithoutahome;andperhapsthat’swhyI’veturnedso……unfeeling。\"

Iwaitedagain。\"Perhapsshedoesn’tunderstand,\"Ithought,\"and,indeed,itisabsurd——it’smoralising。\"

\"IfIwereafatherandhadadaughter,IbelieveIshouldlovemydaughtermorethanmysons,really,\"Ibeganindirectly,asthoughtalkingofsomethingelse,todistractherattention。I

mustconfessIblushed。

\"Whyso?\"sheasked。

Ah!soshewaslistening!

\"Idon’tknow,Liza。Iknewafatherwhowasastern,austereman,butusedtogodownonhiskneestohisdaughter,usedtokissherhands,herfeet,hecouldn’tmakeenoughofher,really。

Whenshedancedatpartiesheusedtostandforfivehoursatastretch,gazingather。Hewasmadoverher:Iunderstandthat!

Shewouldfallasleeptiredatnight,andhewouldwaketokissherinhersleepandmakethesignofthecrossoverher。Hewouldgoaboutinadirtyoldcoat,hewasstingytoeveryoneelse,butwouldspendhislastpennyforher,givingherexpensivepresents,anditwashisgreatestdelightwhenshewaspleasedwithwhathegaveher。Fathersalwayslovetheirdaughtersmorethanthemothersdo。Somegirlslivehappilyathome!AndIbelieveIshouldneverletmydaughtersmarry。\"

\"Whatnext?\"shesaid,withafaintsmile。

\"Ishouldbejealous,Ireallyshould。Tothinkthatsheshouldkissanyoneelse!Thatsheshouldloveastrangermorethanherfather!It’spainfultoimagineit。Ofcourse,that’sallnonsense,ofcourseeveryfatherwouldbereasonableatlast。

ButIbelievebeforeIshouldlethermarry,Ishouldworrymyselftodeath;Ishouldfindfaultwithallhersuitors。ButI

shouldendbylettinghermarrywhomsheherselfloved。Theonewhomthedaughterlovesalwaysseemstheworsttothefather,youknow。Thatisalwaysso。Somanyfamilytroublescomefromthat。\"

\"Somearegladtoselltheirdaughters,ratherthanmarryingthemhonourably。\"

Ah,sothatwasit!

\"Suchathing,Liza,happensinthoseaccursedfamiliesinwhichthereisneitherlovenorGod,\"Iretortedwarmly,\"andwherethereisnolove,thereisnosenseeither。Therearesuchfamilies,it’strue,butIamnotspeakingofthem。Youmusthaveseenwickednessinyourownfamily,ifyoutalklikethat。

Truly,youmusthavebeenunlucky。H’m!……thatsortofthingmostlycomesaboutthroughpoverty。\"

\"Andisitanybetterwiththegentry?Evenamongthepoor,honestpeoplewholivehappily?\"

\"H’m……yes。Perhaps。Anotherthing,Liza,manisfondofreckoninguphistroubles,butdoesnotcounthisjoys。Ifhecountedthemupasheought,hewouldseethateverylothasenoughhappinessprovidedforit。Andwhatifallgoeswellwiththefamily,iftheblessingofGodisuponit,ifthehusbandisagoodone,lovesyou,cherishesyou,neverleavesyou!Thereishappinessinsuchafamily!Evensometimesthereishappinessinthemidstofsorrow;andindeedsorrowiseverywhere。Ifyoumarry_youwillfindoutforyourself_。Butthinkofthefirstyearsofmarriedlifewithoneyoulove:whathappiness,whathappinesstheresometimesisinit!Andindeedit’stheordinarything。Inthoseearlydaysevenquarrelswithone’shusbandendhappily。Somewomengetupquarrelswiththeirhusbandsjustbecausetheylovethem。Indeed,Iknewawomanlikethat:sheseemedtosaythatbecauseshelovedhim,shewouldtormenthimandmakehimfeelit。Youknowthatyoumaytormentamanonpurposethroughlove。Womenareparticularlygiventothat,thinkingtothemselves’Iwilllovehimso,Iwillmakesomuchofhimafterwards,thatit’snosintotormenthimalittlenow。’

Andallinthehouserejoiceinthesightofyou,andyouarehappyandgayandpeacefulandhonourable……Thentherearesomewomenwhoarejealous。Ifhewentoffanywhere——Iknewonesuchwoman,shecouldn’trestrainherself,butwouldjumpupatnightandrunoffontheslytofindoutwherehewas,whetherhewaswithsomeotherwoman。That’sapity。Andthewomanknowsherselfit’swrong,andherheartfailsherandshesuffers,butsheloves——it’sallthroughlove。Andhowsweetitistomakeupafterquarrels,toownherselfinthewrongortoforgivehim!

Andtheybotharesohappyallatonce——asthoughtheyhadmetanew,beenmarriedoveragain;asthoughtheirlovehadbegunafresh。Andnoone,nooneshouldknowwhatpassesbetweenhusbandandwifeiftheyloveoneanother。Andwhateverquarrelstheremaybebetweenthemtheyoughtnottocallintheirownmothertojudgebetweenthemandtelltalesofoneanother。Theyaretheirownjudges。Loveisaholymysteryandoughttobehiddenfromallothereyes,whateverhappens。Thatmakesitholierandbetter。Theyrespectoneanothermore,andmuchisbuiltonrespect。Andifoncetherehasbeenlove,iftheyhavebeenmarriedforlove,whyshouldlovepassaway?Surelyonecankeepit!Itisrarethatonecannotkeepit。Andifthehusbandiskindandstraightforward,whyshouldnotlovelast?Thefirstphaseofmarriedlovewillpass,itistrue,butthentherewillcomealovethatisbetterstill。Thentherewillbetheunionofsouls,theywillhaveeverythingincommon,therewillbenosecretsbetweenthem。Andoncetheyhavechildren,themostdifficulttimeswillseemtothemhappy,solongasthereisloveandcourage。Eventoilwillbeajoy,youmaydenyyourselfbreadforyourchildrenandeventhatwillbeajoy,Theywillloveyouforitafterwards;soyouarelayingbyforyourfuture。

Asthechildrengrowupyoufeelthatyouareanexample,asupportforthem;thatevenafteryoudieyourchildrenwillalwayskeepyourthoughtsandfeelings,becausetheyhavereceivedthemfromyou,theywilltakeonyoursemblanceandlikeness。Soyouseethisisagreatduty。Howcanitfailtodrawthefatherandmothernearer?Peoplesayit’satrialtohavechildren。Whosaysthat?Itisheavenlyhappiness!Areyoufondoflittlechildren,Liza?Iamawfullyfondofthem。

Youknow——alittlerosybabyboyatyourbosom,andwhathusband’sheartisnottouched,seeinghiswifenursinghischild!Aplumplittlerosybaby,sprawlingandsnuggling,chubbylittlehandsandfeet,cleantinylittlenails,sotinythatitmakesonelaughtotookatthem;eyesthatlookasiftheyunderstandeverything。Andwhileitsucksitclutchesatyourbosomwithitslittlehand,plays。Whenitsfathercomesup,thechildtearsitselfawayfromthebosom,flingsitselfback,looksatitsfather,laughs,asthoughitwerefearfullyfunny,andfallstosuckingagain。Oritwillbiteitsmother’sbreastwhenitslittleteetharecoming,whileitlookssidewaysatherwithitslittleeyesasthoughtosay,’Look,Iambiting!’Isnotallthathappinesswhentheyarethethreetogether,husband,wifeandchild?Onecanforgiveagreatdealforthesakeofsuchmoments。Yes,Liza,onemustfirstlearntoliveoneselfbeforeoneblamesothers!\"