HeisoneoftheEnglishnovelistswhoseworksIreadforthefirsttimeinEnglish。WithmenofEuropeanreputation,withDickensandWalterScottandThackeray,itwasotherwise。MyfirstintroductiontoEnglishimaginativeliteraturewas\"NicholasNickleby。\"ItisextraordinaryhowwellMrs。NicklebycouldchatterdisconnectedlyinPolishandthesinisterRalphrageinthatlanguage。AstotheCrummlesfamilyandthefamilyofthelearnedSqueersitseemedasnaturaltothemastheirnativespeech。Itwas,Ihavenodoubt,anexcellenttranslation。Thismusthavebeenintheyear’70。ButIreallybelievethatIamwrong。ThatbookwasnotmyfirstintroductiontoEnglishliterature。Myfirstacquaintancewas(orwere)the\"TwoGentlemenofVerona,\"andthatintheveryMS。ofmyfather’stranslation。ItwasduringourexileinRussia,anditmusthavebeenlessthanayearaftermymother’sdeath,becauseIremembermyselfintheblackblousewithawhiteborderofmyheavymourning。Wewerelivingtogether,quitealone,inasmallhouseontheoutskirtsofthetownofT——。Thatafternoon,insteadofgoingouttoplayinthelargeyardwhichwesharedwithourlandlord,Ihadlingeredintheroominwhichmyfathergenerallywrote。WhatemboldenedmetoclamberintohischairI
amsureIdon’tknow,butacoupleofhoursafterwardshediscoveredmekneelinginitwithmyelbowsonthetableandmyheadheldinbothhandsovertheMS。ofloosepages。Iwasgreatlyconfused,expectingtogetintotrouble。Hestoodinthedoorwaylookingatmewithsomesurprise,buttheonlythinghesaidafteramomentofsilencewas:
\"Readthepagealoud。\"
Luckilythepagelyingbeforemewasnotoverblottedwitherasuresandcorrections,andmyfather’shandwritingwasotherwiseextremelylegible。WhenIgottotheendhenoddedandIflewoutofdoorsthinkingmyselfluckytohaveescapedreproofforthatpieceofimpulsiveaudacity。Ihavetriedtodiscoversincethereasonofthismildness,andIimaginethatallunknowntomyselfIhadearned,inmyfather’smind,therighttosomelatitudeinmyrelationswithhiswriting-table。Itwasonlyamonthbefore,orperhapsitwasonlyaweekbefore,thatIhadreadtohimaloudfrombeginningtoend,andtohisperfectsatisfaction,ashelayonhisbed,notbeingverywellatthetime,theproofsofhistranslationofVictorHugo’s\"ToilersoftheSea。\"Suchwasmytitletoconsideration,Ibelieve,andalsomyfirstintroductiontotheseainliterature。IfIdonotrememberwhere,howandwhenIlearnedtoread,Iamnotlikelytoforgettheprocessofbeingtrainedintheartofreadingaloud。Mypoorfather,anadmirablereaderhimself,wasthemostexactingofmasters。IreflectproudlythatImusthavereadthatpageof\"TwoGentlemenofVerona\"tolerablywellattheageofeight。ThenexttimeImetthemwasina5s。one-volumeeditionofthedramaticworksofWilliamShakespeare,readinFalmouth,atoddmomentsoftheday,tothenoisyaccompanimentofcaulkers’malletsdrivingoakumintothedeck-seamsofashipindrydock。Wehadrunin,inasinkingconditionandwiththecrewrefusingdutyafteramonthofwearybattlingwiththegalesoftheNorthAtlantic。Booksareanintegralpartofone’slifeandmyShakespeareanassociationsarewiththatfirstyearofourbereavement,thelastIspentwithmyfatherinexile(hesentmeawaytoPolandtomymother’sbrotherdirectlyhecouldbracehimselfupfortheseparation),andwiththeyearofhardgales,theyearinwhichIcamenearesttodeathatsea,firstbywaterandthenbyfire。
ThosethingsIremember,butwhatIwasreadingthedaybeforemywritinglifebeganIhaveforgotten。IhaveonlyavaguenotionthatitmighthavebeenoneofTrollope’spoliticalnovels。AndIremember,too,thecharacteroftheday。Itwasanautumndaywithanopalineatmosphere,aveiled,semi-opaque,lustrousday,withfierypointsandflashesofredsunlightontheroofsandwindowsopposite,whilethetreesofthesquarewithalltheirleavesgonewereliketracingsofindianinkonasheetoftissuepaper。ItwasoneofthoseLondondaysthathavethecharmofmysteriousamenity,offascinatingsoftness。TheeffectofopalinemistwasoftenrepeatedatBessboroughGardensonaccountofthenearnesstotheriver。
ThereisnoreasonwhyIshouldrememberthateffectmoreonthatdaythanonanyotherday,exceptthatIstoodforalongtimelookingoutofthewindowafterthelandlady’sdaughterwasgonewithherspoilofcupsandsaucers。Iheardherputthetraydowninthepassageandfinallyshutthedoor;andstillI
remainedsmokingwithmybacktotheroom。ItisveryclearthatIwasinnohastetotaketheplungeintomywritinglife,ifasplungethisfirstattemptmaybedescribed。Mywholebeingwassteepeddeepintheindolenceofasailorawayfromthesea,thesceneofnever-endinglabourandofunceasingduty。Foruttersurrendertoindolenceyoucannotbeatasailorashorewhenthatmoodisonhim,themoodofabsoluteirresponsibilitytastedtothefull。ItseemstomethatIthoughtofnothingwhatever,butthisisanimpressionwhichishardlytobebelievedatthisdistanceofyears。WhatIamcertainofis,thatIwasveryfarfromthinkingofwritingastory,thoughitispossibleandevenlikelythatIwasthinkingofthemanAlmayer。
Ihadseenhimforthefirsttimesomefouryearsbeforefromthebridgeofasteamermooredtoaricketylittlewharffortymilesup,moreorless,aBorneanriver。Itwasveryearlymorningandaslightmist,anopalinemistasinBessboroughGardensonlywithoutthefieryflicksonroofandchimney-potfromtheraysoftheredLondonsun,promisedtoturnpresentlyintoawoollyfog。
Barringasmalldug-outcanoeontherivertherewasnothingmovingwithinsight。Ihadjustcomeupyawningfrommycabin。
TheserangandtheMalaycrewwereoverhaulingthecargochainsandtryingthewinches;theirvoicessoundedsubduedonthedeckbelowandtheirmovementswerelanguid。Thattropicaldaybreakwaschilly。TheMalayquartermaster,cominguptogetsomethingfromthelockersonthebridge,shiveredvisibly。Theforestsaboveandbelowandontheoppositebanklookedblackanddank;
wetdrippedfromtherigginguponthetightlystretcheddeckawnings,anditwasinthemiddleofashudderingyawnthatI
caughtsightofAlmayer。Hewasmovingacrossapatchofburntgrass,ablurredshadowyshapewiththeblurredbulkofahousebehindhim,alowhouseofmats,bamboosandpalm-leaveswithahigh-pitchedroofofgrass。
Hesteppeduponthejetty。Hewascladsimplyinflappingpyjamasofcretonnepattern(enormousflowerswithyellowpetalsonadisagreeableblueground)andathincottonsingletwithshortsleeves。Hisarms,baretotheelbow,werecrossedonhischest。Hisblackhairlookedasifithadnotbeencutforaverylongtimeandacurlywispofitstrayedacrosshisforehead。IhadheardofhimatSingapore;Ihadheardofhimonboard;Ihadheardofhimearlyinthemorningandlateatnight;
Ihadheardofhimattiffinandatdinner;IhadheardofhiminaplacecalledPuloLautfromahalf-castegentlemanthere,whodescribedhimselfasthemanagerofacoal-mine;whichsoundedcivilisedandprogressivetillyouheardthattheminecouldnotbeworkedatpresentbecauseitwashauntedbysomeparticularyatrociousghosts。IhadheardofhiminaplacecalledDongola,intheIslandofCelebes,whentheRajahofthatlittle-knownseaport(youcangetnoanchoragethereinlessthanfifteenfathom,whichisextremelyinconvenient)cameonboardinafriendlywaywithonlytwoattendants,anddrankbottleafterbottleofsoda-waterontheafter-skylightwithmygoodfriendandcommander,CaptainC——。AtleastIheardhisnamedistinctlypronouncedseveraltimesinalotoftalkinMalaylanguage。Ohyes,Ihearditquitedistinctly——Almayer,Almayer——andsawCaptainC——smilewhilethefatdingyRajahlaughedaudibly。TohearaMalayRajahlaughoutrightisarareexperienceIcanassureyou。AndIoverheadmoreofAlmayer’snameamongstourdeckpassengers(mostlywanderingtradersofgoodrepute)astheysatallovertheship——eachmanfencedroundwithbundlesandboxes——onmats,onpillows,onquilts,onbilletsofwood,conversingofIslandaffairs。Uponmyword,IheardthemutterofAlmayer’snamefaintlyatmidnight,whilemakingmywayaftfromthebridgetolookatthepatenttaffrail-logtinklingitsquarter-milesinthegreatsilenceofthesea。Idon’tmeantosaythatourpassengersdreamedaloudofAlmayer,butitisindubitablethattwoofthematleast,whocouldnotsleepapparentlyandweretryingtocharmawaythetroubleofinsomniabyalittlewhisperedtalkatthatghostlyhour,werereferringinsomewayorothertoAlmayer。ItwasreallyimpossibleonboardthatshiptogetawaydefinitelyfromAlmayer;andaverysmallponytiedupforwardandwhiskingitstailinsidethegalley,tothegreatembarrassmentofourChinamancook,wasdestinedforAlmayer。Whathewantedwithaponygoodnessonlyknows,sinceIamperfectlycertainhecouldnotrideit;buthereyouhavetheman,ambitious,aimingatthegrandiose,importingapony,whereasinthewholesettlementatwhichheusedtoshakedailyhisimpotentfist,therewasonlyonepaththatwaspracticableforapony:aquarterofamileatmost,hedgedinbyhundredsofsquareleaguesofvirginforest。Butwhoknows?TheimportationofthatBaliPonymighthavebeenpartofsomedeepscheme,ofsomediplomaticplan,ofsomehopefulintrigue。WithAlmayeronecouldnevertell。Hegovernedhisconductbyconsiderationsremovedfromtheobvious,byincredibleassumptions,whichrenderedhislogicimpenetrabletoanyreasonableperson。Ilearnedallthislater。ThatmorningseeingthefigureinpyjamasmovinginthemistIsaidtomyself:\"That’stheman。\"
Hecamequiteclosetotheship’ssideandraisedaharassedcountenance,roundandflat,withthatcurlofblackhairovertheforeheadandaheavy,painedglance。
\"Goodmorning。\"
\"Goodmorning。\"
Helookedhardatme:Iwasanewface,havingjustreplacedthechiefmatehewasaccustomedtosee;andIthinkthatthisnoveltyinspiredhim,asthingsgenerallydid,withdeep-seatedmistrust。
\"Didn’texpectyouintillthisevening,\"heremarkedsuspiciously。
Idon’tknowwhyheshouldhavebeenaggrieved,butheseemedtobe。Itookpainstoexplaintohimthathavingpickedupthebeaconatthemouthoftheriverjustbeforedarkandthetideserving,CaptainC——wasenabledtocrossthebarandtherewasnothingtopreventhimgoingupriveratnight。
\"CaptainC——knowsthisriverlikehisownpocket,\"Iconcludeddiscursively,tryingtogetonterms。
\"Better,\"saidAlmayer。
LeaningovertherailofthebridgeIlookedatAlmayer,wholookeddownatthewharfinaggrievedthought。Heshuffledhisfeetalittle;heworestrawslipperswiththicksoles。Themorningfoghadthickenedconsiderably。Everythingroundusdripped:thederricks,therails,everysingleropeintheship——
asifafitofcryinghadcomeupontheuniverse。
Almayeragainraisedhisheadandintheaccentsofamanaccustomedtothebuffetsofevilfortuneaskedhardlyaudibly:
\"Isupposeyouhaven’tgotsuchathingasaponyonboard?\"
Itoldhimalmostinawhisper,forheattunedmycommunicationstohisminorkey,thatwehadsuchathingasapony,andI
hinted,asgentlyasIcould,thathewasconfoundedlyinthewaytoo。IwasveryanxioustohavehimlandedbeforeIbegantohandlethecargo。Almayerremainedlookingupatmeforalongwhilewithincredulousandmelancholyeyesasthoughitwerenotasafethingtobelievemystatement。Thispatheticmistrustinthefavourableissueofanysortofaffairtouchedmedeeply,andIadded:
\"Hedoesn’tseemabittheworseforthepassage。He’saniceponytoo。\"
Almayerwasnottobecheeredup;forallanswerheclearedhisthroatandlookeddownagainathisfeet。Itriedtoclosewithhimonanothertack。
\"ByJove!\"Isaid。\"Aren’tyouafraidofcatchingpneumoniaorbronchitisorsomething,walkingaboutinasingletinsuchawetfog?\"
Hewasnottobepropitiatedbyashowofinterestinhishealth。
Hisanswerwasasinister\"Nofear,\"asmuchastosaythateventhatwayofescapefrominclementfortunewasclosedtohim。
\"Ijustcamedown……\"hemumbledafterawhile。
\"Wellthen,nowyou’rehereIwilllandthatponyforyouatonceandyoucanleadhimhome。Ireallydon’twanthimondeck。
He’sintheway。\"
Almayerseemeddoubtful。Iinsisted:
\"Why,Iwilljustswinghimoutandlandhimonthewharfrightinfrontofyou。I’dmuchratherdoitbeforethehatchesareoff。Thelittledevilmayjumpdowntheholdordosomeotherdeadlything。\"
\"There’sahalter?\"postulatedAlmayer。
\"Yes,ofcoursethere’sahalter。\"AndwithoutwaitinganymoreIleanedoverthebridgerail。
\"Serang,landTuanAlmayer’spony。\"
Thecookhastenedtoshutthedoorofthegalleyandamomentlateragreatscufflebeganondeck。Theponykickedwithextremeenergy,thekalashesskippedoutoftheway,theserangissuedmanyordersinacrackedvoice。Suddenlytheponyleapeduponthefore-hatch。Hislittlehoofsthunderedtremendously;heplungedandreared。Hehadtossedhismaneandhisforelockintoastateofamazingwildness,hedilatedhisnostrils,bitsoffoamfleckedhisbroadlittlechest,hiseyesblazed。Hewassomethingunderelevenhands;hewasfierce,terrible,angry,warlike,hesaidha!ha!distinctly,heragedandthumped——andsixteenable-bodiedkalashesstoodroundhimlikedisconcertednursesroundaspoiltandpassionatechild。Hewhiskedhistailincessantly;hearchedhisprettyneck;hewasperfectlydelightful;hewascharminglynaughty。Therewasnotanatomofviceinthatperformance;nosavagebaringofteethandlyingbackofears。Onthecontrary,heprickedthemforwardinacomicallyaggressivemanner。Hewastotallyunmoralandlovable;
Iwouldhavelikedtogivehimbread,sugar,carrots。Butlifeisasternthingandthesenseofdutytheonlysafeguide。SoI
steeledmyheartandfrommyelevatedpositiononthebridgeI
orderedthementoflingthemselvesuponhiminabody。
Theelderlyserang,emittingastrangeinarticulatecry,gavetheexample。Hewasanexcellentpettyofficer——verycompetentindeed,andamoderateopiumsmoker。Therestoftheminonegreatrushsmotheredthatpony。Theyhungontohisears,tohismane,tohistail;theylayinpilesacrosshisback,seventeeninall。Thecarpenter,seizingthehookofthecargo-chain,flunghimselfontopofthem。Averysatisfactorypettyofficertoo,buthestuttered。Haveyoueverheardalight-yellow,lean,sad,earnestChinamanstutterinpidgin-English?It’sveryweirdindeed。Hemadetheeighteenth。Icouldnotseetheponyatall;
butfromtheswayingandheavingofthatheapofmenIknewthattherewassomethingaliveinside。
FromthewharfAlmayerhailedinquaveringtones:
\"Oh,Isay!\"
Wherehestoodhecouldnotseewhatwasgoingonondeckunlessperhapsthetopsofthemen’sheads;hecouldonlyhearthescuffle,themightythuds,asiftheshipwerebeingknockedtopieces。Ilookedover:\"Whatisit?\"
\"Don’tletthembreakhislegs,\"heentreatedmeplaintively。
\"Oh,nonsense!He’sallrightnow。Hecan’tmove。\"
Bythattimethecargo-chainhadbeenhookedtothebroadcanvasbeltroundthepony’sbody,thekalashessprangoffsimultaneouslyinalldirections,rollingovereachother,andtheworthyserang,makingadashbehindthewinch,turnedthesteamon。
\"Steady!\"Iyelled,ingreatapprehensionofseeingtheanimalsnatcheduptotheveryheadofthederrick。
OnthewharfAlmayershuffledhisstrawslippersuneasily。Therattleofthewinchstopped,andinatense,impressivesilencethatponybegantoswingacrossthedeck。
Howlimphewas!Directlyhefelthimselfintheairherelaxedeverymuscleinamostwonderfulmanner。Hisfourhoofsknockedtogetherinabunch,hisheadhungdown,andhistailremainedpendentinanervelessandabsoluteimmobility。HeremindedmevividlyofthepatheticlittlesheepwhichhangsonthecollaroftheOrderoftheGoldenFleece。Ihadnoideathatanythingintheshapeofahorsecouldbesolimpasthat,eitherlivingordead。Hiswildmanehungdownlumpily,ameremassofinanimatehorsehair;hisaggressiveearshadcollapsed,butashewentswayingslowlyacrossthefrontofthebridgeInoticedanastutegleaminhisdreamy,half-closedeye。Atrustworthyquartermaster,hisglanceanxiousandhismouthonthebroadgrin,waseasingoverthederrickwatchfully。Isuperintended,greatlyinterested。
\"So!Thatwilldo。\"
Thederrick-headstopped。Thekalasheslinedtherail。Theropeofthehalterhungperpendicularandmotionlesslikeabell-pullinfrontofAlmayer。Everythingwasverystill。Isuggestedamicablythatheshouldcatchholdoftheropeandmindwhathewasabout。Heextendedaprovokinglycasualandsuperiorhand。
\"Lookoutthen!Loweraway!\"
Almayergatheredintheropeintelligentlyenough,butwhenthepony’shoofstouchedthewharfhegavewayallatoncetoamostfoolishoptimism。Withoutpausing,withoutthinking,almostwithoutlooking,hedisengagedthehooksuddenlyfromthesling,andthecargo-chain,afterhittingthepony’squarters,swungbackagainsttheship’ssidewithanoisy,rattlingslap。I
supposeImusthaveblinked。IknowImissedsomething,becausethenextthingIsawwasAlmayerlyingflatonhisbackonthejetty。Hewasalone。
AstonishmentdeprivedmeofspeechlongenoughtogiveAlmayertimetopickhimselfupinaleisurelyandpainfulmanner。Thekalashesliningtherailhadalltheirmouthsopen。Themistflewinthelightbreeze,andithadcomeoverquitethickenoughtohidetheshorecompletely。
\"Howonearthdidyoumanagetolethimgetaway?\"Iaskedscandalised。
Almayerlookedintothesmartingpalmofhisrighthand,butdidnotanswermyinquiry。
\"Wheredoyouthinkhewillgetto?\"Icried。\"Arethereanyfencesanywhereinthisfog?Canheboltintotheforest?
What’stobedonenow?\"
Almayershruggedhisshoulders。
\"Someofmymenaresuretobeabout。Theywillgetholdofhimsoonerorlater。\"
\"Soonerorlater!That’sallveryfine,butwhataboutmycanvassling——he’scarrieditoff。Iwantitnow,atonce,tolandtwoCelebescows。\"
SinceDongolawehadonboardapairoftheprettylittleislandcattleinadditiontothepony。Tiedupontheothersideoftheforedecktheyhadbeenwhiskingtheirtailsintotheotherdoorofthegalley。ThesecowswerenotforAlmayer,however;theywereinvoicedtoAbdullahbinSelim,hisenemy。Almayer’sdisregardofmyrequisiteswascomplete。
\"IfIwereyouIwouldtrytofindoutwherehe’sgone,\"I
insisted。\"Hadn’tyoubettercallyourmentogetherorsomething?Hewillthrowhimselfdownandcuthisknees。Hemayevenbreakaleg,youknow。\"
ButAlmayer,plungedinabstractedthought,didnotseemtowantthatponyanymore。AmazedatthissuddenindifferenceIturnedallhandsoutonshoretohuntforhimonmyownaccount,or,atanyrate,tohuntforthecanvasslingwhichhehadroundhisbody。Thewholecrewofthesteamer,withtheexceptionoffiremenandengineers,rushedupthejettypastthethoughtfulAlmayerandvanishedfrommysight。Thewhitefogswallowedthemup;andagaintherewasadeepsilencethatseemedtoextendformilesupanddownthestream。Stilltaciturn,Almayerstartedtoclimbonboard,andIwentdownfromthebridgetomeethimontheafterdeck。
\"WouldyoumindtellingthecaptainthatIwanttoseehimveryparticularly?\"heaskedmeinalowtone,lettinghiseyesstrayallovertheplace。
\"Verywell。Iwillgoandsee。\"
WiththedoorofhiscabinwideopenCaptainC——,justbackfromthebathroom,bigandbroad-chested,wasbrushinghisthick,damp,iron-greyhairwithtwolargebrushes。
\"Mr。Almayertoldmehewantedtoseeyouveryparticularly,sir。\"
SayingthesewordsIsmiled。Idon’tknowwhyIsmiledexceptthatitseemedabsolutelyimpossibletomentionAlmayer’snamewithoutasmileofasort。Ithadnottobenecessarilyamirthfulsmile。TurninghisheadtowardsmeCaptainC——smiledtoo,ratherjoylessly。
\"Theponygotawayfromhim——eh?\"
\"Yessir。Hedid。\"
\"Whereishe?\"
\"Goodnessonlyknows。\"
\"No。ImeanAlmayer。Lethimcomealong。\"
Thecaptain’sstateroomopeningstraightondeckunderthebridge,IhadonlytobeckonfromthedoorwaytoAlmayer,whohadremainedaft,withdowncasteyes,ontheveryspotwhereIhadlefthim。Hestrolledupmoodily,shookhandsandatonceaskedpermissiontoshutthecabindoor。
\"Ihaveaprettystorytotellyou,\"werethelastwordsIheard。
Thebitternessoftonewasremarkable。
Iwentawayfromthedoor,ofcourse。ForthemomentIhadnocrewonboard;onlytheChinamancarpenter,withacanvasbaghungroundhisneckandahammerinhishand,roamedabouttheemptydecksknockingoutthewedgesofthehatchesanddroppingthemintothebagconscientiously。HavingnothingtodoIjoinedourtwoengineersatthedooroftheengine-room。Itwasnearbreakfasttime。
\"He’sturnedupearly,hasn’the?\"commentedthesecondengineer,andsmiledindifferently。Hewasanabstemiousmanwithagooddigestionandaplacid,reasonableviewoflifeevenwhenhungry。
\"Yes,\"Isaid。\"Shutupwiththeoldman。Someveryparticularbusiness。\"
\"Hewillspinhimadamnedendlessyarn,\"observedthechiefengineer。
Hesmiledrathersourly。Hewasdyspepticandsufferedfromgnawinghungerinthemorning。Thesecondsmiledbroadly,asmilethatmadetwoverticalfoldsonhisshavencheeks。AndI
smiledtoo,butIwasnotexactlyamused。Inthatman,whosenameapparentlycouldnotbeutteredanywhereintheMalayArchipelagowithoutasmile,therewasnothingamusingwhatever。
Thatmorninghebreakfastedwithussilently,lookingmostlyintohiscup。Iinformedhimthatmymencameuponhisponycaperinginthefogontheverybrinkoftheeight-foot-deepwellinwhichhekepthisstoreofguttah。Thecoverwasoffwithnoonenearby,andthewholeofmycrewjustmissedgoingheelsoverheadintothatbeastlyhole。JurumudiItam,ourbestquartermaster,deftatfineneedlework,hewhomendedtheship’sflagsandsewedbuttonsonourcoats,wasdisabledbyakickontheshoulder。
BothremorseandgratitudeseemedforeigntoAlmayer’scharacter。
Hemumbled:
\"Doyoumeanthatpiratefellow?\"
\"Whatpiratefellow?Themanhasbeenintheshipelevenyears,\"
Isaidindignantly。
\"It’shislooks,\"Almayermutteredforallapology。
Thesunhadeatenupthefog。FromwherewesatundertheafterawningwecouldseeinthedistancetheponytiedupinfrontofAlmayer’shouse,toapostoftheverandah。Weweresilentforalongtime。AllatonceAlmayer,alludingevidentlytothesubjectofhisconversationinthecaptain’scabin,exclaimedanxiouslyacrossthetable:
\"Ireallydon’tknowwhatIcandonow!\"
CaptainC——onlyraisedhiseyebrowsathim,andgotupfromhischair。Wedispersedtoourduties,butAlmayer,halfdressedashewasinhiscretonnepyjamasandthethincottonsinglet,remainedonboard,lingeringnearthegangwayasthoughhecouldnotmakeuphismindwhethertogohomeorstaywithusforgood。
OurChinamenboysgavehimsideglancesastheywenttoandfro;
andAhSing,ouryoungchiefsteward,thehandsomestandmostsympatheticofChinamen,catchingmyeye,noddedknowinglyathisburlyback。InthecourseofthemorningIapproachedhimforamoment。
\"Well,Mr。Almayer,\"Iaddressedhimeasily,\"youhaven’tstartedonyourlettersyet。\"
Wehadbroughthimhismailandhehadheldthebundleinhishandeversincewegotupfrombreakfast。HeglancedatitwhenIspokeand,foramoment,itlookedasifhewereonthepointofopeninghisfingersandlettingthewholelotfalloverboard。
Ibelievehewastemptedtodoso。Ishallneverforgetthatmanafraidofhisletters。
\"HaveyoubeenlongoutfromEurope?\"heaskedme。
\"Notvery。Notquiteeightmonths,\"Itoldhim。\"IleftashipinSamarangwithahurtbackandhavebeeninthehospitalinSingaporesomeweeks。\"
Hesighed。
\"Tradeisverybadhere。\"
\"Indeed!\"
\"Hopeless!……Seethesegeese?\"
Withthehandholdingthelettershepointedouttomewhatresembledapatchofsnowcreepingandswayingacrossthedistantpartofhiscompound。Itdisappearedbehindsomebushes。
\"TheonlygeeseontheEastCoast,\"Almayerinformedmeinaperfunctorymutterwithoutasparkoffaith,hopeorpride。
Thereupon,withthesameabsenceofanysortofsustainingspirithedeclaredhisintentiontosilenceafatbirdandsendhimonboardforusnotlaterthannextday。
Ihadheardoftheselargessesbefore。HeconferredagooseasifitwereasortofCourtdecorationgivenonlytothetriedfriendsofthehouse。Ihadexpectedmorepompintheceremony。
Thegifthadsurelyitsspecialquality,multipleandrare。FromtheonlyflockontheEastCoast!Hedidnotmakehalfenoughofit。Thatmandidnotunderstandhisopportunities。However,I
thankedhimatsomelength。
\"Yousee,\"heinterruptedabruptlyinaverypeculiartone,\"theworstofthiscountryisthatoneisnotabletorealise……it’simpossibletorealise……\"Hisvoicesankintoalanguidmutter。\"Andwhenonehasverylargeinterests……veryimportantinterests……\"hefinishedfaintly……\"uptheriver。\"
Welookedateachother。Heastonishedmebygivingastartandmakingaveryqueergrimace。
\"Well,Imustbeoff,\"heburstouthurriedly。\"Solong!\"
Atthemomentofsteppingoverthegangwayhecheckedhimselfthough,togivemeamumbledinvitationtodineathishousethateveningwithmycaptain,aninvitationwhichIaccepted。Idon’tthinkitcouldhavebeenpossibleformetorefuse。
Iliketheworthyfolkwhowilltalktoyouoftheexerciseoffreewill\"atanyrateforpracticalpurposes。\"Free,isit?
Forpracticalpurposes!Bosh!HowcouldIhaverefusedtodinewiththatman?IdidnotrefusesimplybecauseIcouldnotrefuse。Curiosity,ahealthydesireforachangeofcooking,commoncivility,thetalkandthesmilesoftheprevioustwentydays,everyconditionofmyexistenceatthatmomentandplacemadeirresistiblyforacceptance;and,crowningallthat,therewastheignorance,theignorance,Isay,thefatalwantofforeknowledgetocounter-balancetheseimperativeconditionsoftheproblem。Arefusalwouldhaveappearedperverseandinsane。
Nobodyunlessasurlylunaticwouldhaverefused。ButifIhadnotgottoknowAlmayerprettywellitisalmostcertaintherewouldneverhavebeenalineofmineinprint。
Iacceptedthen——andIampayingyetthepriceofmysanity。ThepossessoroftheonlyflockofgeeseontheEastCoastisresponsiblefortheexistenceofsomefourteenvolumes,sofar。
Thenumberofgeesehehadcalledintobeingunderadverseclimaticconditionswasconsiderablymorethanfourteen。Thetaleofvolumeswillneverovertakethecountingofheads,Iamsafetosay;butmyambitionspointnotexactlythatway,andwhateverthepangsthetoilofwritinghascostmeIhavealwaysthoughtkindlyofAlmayer。
Iwonder,hadheknownanythingofit,whathisattitudewouldhavebeen?Thisissomethingnottobediscoveredinthisworld。
ButifweevermeetintheElysianFields——whereIcannotdepicthimtomyselfotherwisethanattendedinthedistancebyhisflockofgeese(birdssacredtoJupiter)——andheaddressesmeinthestillnessofthatpassionlessregion,neitherlightnordarkness,neithersoundnorsilence,andheavingendlesslywithbillowymistsfromtheimpalpablemultitudesoftheswarmingdead,IthinkIknowwhatanswertomake。
Iwouldsay,afterlisteningcourteouslytotheunvibratingtoneofhismeasuredremonstrances,whichshouldnotdisturb,ofcourse,thesolemneternityofstillnessintheleast——Iwouldsaysomethinglikethis:
\"Itistrue,Almayer,thatintheworldbelowIhaveconvertedyournametomyownuses。Butthatisaverysmalllarceny。
What’sinaname,OShade?Ifsomuchofyouroldmortalweaknessclingstoyouyetastomakeyoufeelaggrieved(itwasthenoteofyourearthlyvoice,Almayer),then,Ientreatyou,seekspeechwithoutdelaywithoursublimefellow-Shade——withhimwho,inhistransientexistenceasapoet,commenteduponthesmelloftherose。Hewillcomfortyou。Youcametomestrippedofallprestigebymen’squeersmilesandthedisrespectfulchatterofeveryvagranttraderintheIslands。Yournamewasthecommonpropertyofthewinds:it,asitwere,floatednakedoverthewatersabouttheEquator。Iwrappedrounditsunhonouredformtheroyalmantleofthetropicsandhaveessayedtoputintothehollowsoundtheveryanguishofpaternity——featswhichyoudidnotdemandfromme——butrememberthatallthetoilandallthepainweremine。Inyourearthlylifeyouhauntedme,Almayer。Considerthatthiswastakingagreatliberty。Sinceyouwerealwayscomplainingofbeinglosttotheworld,youshouldrememberthatifIhadnotbelievedenoughinyourexistencetoletyouhauntmyroomsinBessboroughGardens,youwouldhavebeenmuchmorelost。YouaffirmthathadIbeencapableoflookingatyouwithamoreperfectdetachmentandagreatersimplicity,Imighthaveperceivedbettertheinwardmarvellousnesswhich,youinsist,attendedyourcareeruponthattinypin-pointoflight,hardlyvisiblefar,farbelowus,wherebothourgraveslie。Nodoubt!Butreflect,OcomplainingShade!thatthiswasnotsomuchmyfaultasyourcrowningmisfortune。Ibelievedinyouintheonlywayitwaspossibleformetobelieve。Itwasnotworthyofyourmerits?Sobeit。
Butyouwerealwaysanunluckyman,Almayer。Nothingwaseverquiteworthyofyou。Whatmadeyousorealtomewasthatyouheldthisloftytheorywithsomeforceofconvictionandwithanadmirableconsistency。\"
ItiswithsomesuchwordstranslatedintothepropershadowyexpressionsthatIampreparedtoplacateAlmayerintheElysianAbodeofShades,sinceithascometopassthathavingpartedmanyyearsago,wearenevertomeetagaininthisworld。
ChapterV。
Inthecareerofthemostunliteraryofwriters,inthesensethatliteraryambitionhadneverenteredtheworldofhisimagination,thecomingintoexistenceofthefirstbookisquiteaninexplicableevent。InmyowncaseIcannottraceitbacktoanymentalorpsychologicalcausewhichonecouldpointoutandholdto。Thegreatestofmygiftsbeingaconsummatecapacityfordoingnothing,Icannotevenpointtoboredomasarationalstimulusfortakingupapen。Thepenatanyratewasthere,andthereisnothingwonderfulinthat。Everybodykeepsapen(thecoldsteelofourdays)inhisroomsinthisenlightenedageofpennystampsandhalfpennypostcards。Infact,thiswastheepochwhenbymeansofpostcardandpenMr。Gladstonehadmadethereputationofanovelortwo。AndItoohadapenrollingaboutsomewhere——theseldom-used,thereluctantly-taken-uppenofasailorashore,thepenruggedwiththedriedinkofabandonedattempts,ofanswersdelayedlongerthandecencypermitted,oflettersbegunwithinfinitereluctanceandputoffsuddenlytillnextday——tellnextweekaslikelyasnot!Theneglected,uncared-forpen,flungawayattheslightestprovocation,andunderthestressofdirenecessityhuntedforwithoutenthusiasm,inaperfunctory,grumpyworry,inthe\"Wherethedevilisthebeastlythinggoneto?\"ungraciousspirit。Whereindeed!Itmighthavebeenreposingbehindthesofaforadayorso。Mylandlady’sanaemicdaughter(asOllendorffwouldhaveexpressedit),thoughcommendablyneat,hadalordly,carelessmannerofapproachingherdomesticduties。Oritmightevenberestingdelicatelypoisedonitspointbythesideofthetable-leg,andwhenpickedupshowagaping,inefficientbeakwhichwouldhavediscouragedanymanofliteraryinstincts。Butnotme!\"Nevermind。Thiswilldo。\"
Odayswithoutguile!Ifanybodyhadtoldmethenthatadevotedhousehold,havingagenerallyexaggeratedideaofmytalentsandimportance,wouldbeputintoastateoftremorandflurrybythefussIwouldmakebecauseofasuspicionthatsomebodyhadtouchedmysacrosanctpenofauthorship,Iwouldhaveneverdeignedasmuchasthecontemptuoussmileofunbelief。Thereareimaginingstoounlikelyforanykindofnotice,toowildforindulgenceitself,tooabsurdforasmile。Perhaps,hadthatseerofthefuturebeenafriend,Ishouldhavebeensecretlysaddened。\"Alas!\"Iwouldhavethought,lookingathimwithanunmovedface,\"thepoorfellowisgoingmad。\"
Iwouldhavebeen,withoutdoubt,saddened;forinthisworldwherethejournalistsreadthesignsofthesky,andthewindofheavenitself,blowingwhereitlisteth,doessounderthepropheticalmanagementoftheMeteorologicalOffice,butwherethesecretofhumanheartscannotbecapturedeitherbypryingorpraying,itwasinfinitelymorelikelythatthesanestofmyfriendsshouldnursethegermofincipientmadnessthanthatI
shouldturnintoawriteroftales。
Tosurveywithwonderthechangesofone’sownselfisafascinatingpursuitforidlehours。Thefieldissowide,thesurprisessovaried,thesubjectsofullofunprofitablebutcurioushintsastotheworkofunseenforces,thatonedoesnotwearyeasilyofit。Iamnotspeakinghereofmegalomaniacswhorestuneasyunderthecrownoftheirunboundedconceit——whoreallyneverrestinthisworld,andwhenoutofitgoonfrettingandfumingonthestraitenedcircumstancesoftheirlasthabitation,whereallmenmustlieinobscureequality。NeitheramIthinkingofthoseambitiousmindswho,alwayslookingforwardtosomeaimofaggrandisement,cansparenotimeforadetached,impersonalglanceuponthemselves。
Andthat’sapity。Theyareunlucky。Thesetwokinds,togetherwiththemuchlargerbandofthetotallyunimaginative,ofthoseunfortunatebeingsinwhoseemptyandunseeinggaze(asagreatFrenchwriterhasputit)\"thewholeuniversevanishesintoblanknothingness,\"miss,perhaps,thetruetaskofusmenwhosedayisshortonthisearth,theabodeofconflictingopinions。Theethicalviewoftheuniverseinvolvesusatlastinsomanycruelandabsurdcontradictions,wherethelastvestigesoffaith,hope,charity,andevenofreasonitself,seemreadytoperish,thatIhavecometosuspectthattheaimofcreationcannotbeethicalatall。Iwouldfondlybelievethatitsobjectispurelyspectacular:aspectacleforawe,love,adoration,orhate,ifyoulike,butinthisview——andinthisviewalone——neverfordespair!Thosevisions,deliciousorpoignant,areamoralendinthemselves。Therestisouraffair——thelaughter,thetears,thetenderness,theindignation,thehightranquillityofasteeledheart,thedetachedcuriosityofasubtlemind——that’souraffair!Andtheunweariedself-forgetfulattentiontoeveryphaseofthelivinguniversereflectedinourconsciousnessmaybeourappointedtaskonthisearth。Ataskinwhichfatehasperhapsengagednothingofusexceptourconscience,giftedwithavoiceinordertobeartruetestimonytothevisiblewonder,thehauntingterror,theinfinitepassionandtheillimitableserenity;tothesupremelawandtheabidingmysteryofthesublimespectacle。
Chilosa?Itmaybetrue。Inthisviewthereisroomforeveryreligionexceptfortheinvertedcreedofimpiety,themaskandcloakofariddespair;foreveryjoyandeverysorrow,foreveryfairdream,foreverycharitablehope。Thegreataimistoremaintruetotheemotionscalledoutofthedeepencircledbythefirmamentofstars,whoseinfinitenumbersandawfuldistancesmaymoveustolaughterortears(wasittheWalrusortheCarpenter,inthepoem,who\"wepttoseesuchquantitiesofsand\"?),or,again,toaproperlysteeledheart,maymatternothingatall。
Thecasualquotation,whichhadsuggesteditselfoutofapoemfullofmerit,leadsmetoremarkthatintheconceptionofapurelyspectacularuniverse,whereinspirationofeverysorthasarationalexistence,theartistofeverykindfindsanaturalplace;andamongstthemthepoetastheseerparexcellence。
Eventhewriterofprose,whoinhislessnobleandmoretoilsometaskshouldbeamanwiththesteeledheart,isworthyofaplace,providinghelooksonwithundimmedeyesandkeepslaughteroutofhisvoice,letwhowilllaughorcry。Yes!Evenhe,theproseartistoffiction,whichafterallisbuttruthoftendraggedoutofawellandclothedinthepaintedrobeofimagedphrases——evenhehashisplaceamongstkings,demagogues,priests,charlatans,dukes,giraffes,CabinetMinisters,Fabians,bricklayers,apostles,ants,scientists,Kaffirs,soldiers,sailors,elephants,lawyers,dandies,microbesandconstellationsofauniversewhoseamazingspectacleisamoralendinitself。
HereIperceive(speakingwithoutoffence)thereaderassumingasubtleexpression,asifthecatwereoutofthebag。Itakethenovelist’sfreedomtoobservethereader’smindformulatingtheexclamation,\"That’sit!Thefellowtalksprodomo。\"
Indeeditwasnottheintention!WhenIshoulderedthebagIwasnotawareofthecatinside。But,afterall,whynot?ThefaircourtyardsoftheHouseofArtarethrongedbymanyhumbleretainers。Andthereisnoretainersodevotedashewhoisallowedtositonthedoorstep。Thefellowswhohavegotinsideareapttothinktoomuchofthemselves。Thislastremark,Ibegtostate,isnotmaliciouswithinthedefinitionofthelawoflibel。It’sfaircommentonamatterofpublicinterest。Butnevermind。Prodomo。Sobeit。Forhishousetantquevousvoudrez。AndyetintruthIwasbynomeansanxioustojustifymyexistence。Theattemptwouldhavebeennotonlyneedlessandabsurd,butalmostinconceivable,inapurelyspectacularuniverse,wherenosuchdisagreeablenecessitycanpossiblyarise。Itissufficientformetosay(andIamsayingitatsomelengthinthesepages):\"J’aivecu。\"Ihaveexisted,obscureamongstthewondersandterrorsofmytime,astheAbbeSieyes,theoriginaluttererofthequotedwords,hadmanagedtoexistthroughtheviolences,thecrimes,andtheenthusiasmsoftheFrenchRevolution。\"J’aivecu\",asIapprehendmostofusmanagetoexist,missingallalongthevariedformsofdestructionbyahair’s-breadth,savingmybody,that’sclear,andperhapsmysoulalso,butnotwithoutsomedamagehereandtheretothefineedgeofmyconscience,thatheirloomoftheages,oftherace,ofthegroup,ofthefamily,colourableandplastic,fashionedbythewords,thelooks,theacts,andevenbythesilencesandabstentionssurroundingone’schildhood;tingedinacompleteschemeofdelicateshadesandcrudecoloursbytheinheritedtraditions,beliefs,orprejudices——unaccountable,despotic,persuasive,andoften,initstexture,romantic。
Andoftenromantic!……Thematterinhand,however,istokeepthesereminiscencesfromturningintoconfessions,aformofliteraryactivitydiscreditedbyJeanJacquesRousseauonaccountoftheextremethoroughnesshebroughttotheworkofjustifyinghisownexistence;forthatsuchwashispurposeispalpably,evengrossly,visibletoanunprejudicedeye。Butthen,yousee,themanwasnotawriteroffiction。Hewasanartlessmoralist,asisclearlydemonstratedbyhisanniversariesbeingcelebratedwithmarkedemphasisbytheheirsoftheFrenchRevolution,whichwasnotapoliticalmovementatall,butagreatoutburstofmorality。Hehadnoimagination,asthemostcasualperusalof\"Emile\"willprove。Hewasnonovelist,whosefirstvirtueistheexactunderstandingofthelimitstracedbytherealityofhistimetotheplayofhisinvention。Inspirationcomesfromtheearth,whichhasapast,ahistory,afuture,notfromthecoldandimmutableheaven。Awriterofimaginativeprose(evenmorethananyothersortofartist)standsconfessedinhisworks。Hisconscience,hisdeepersenseofthings,lawfulandunlawful,giveshimhisattitudebeforetheworld。Indeed,everyonewhoputspentopaperforthereadingofstrangers(unlessamoralist,who,generallyspeaking,hasnoconscienceexcepttheoneheisatpainstoproducefortheuseofothers)canspeakofnothingelse。ItisM。AnatoleFrance,themosteloquentandjustofFrenchprosewriters,whosaysthatwemustrecogniseatlastthat,\"failingtheresolutiontoholdourpeace,wecanonlytalkofourselves。\"
Thisremark,ifIrememberrightly,wasmadeinthecourseofasparringmatchwiththelateFerdinandBrunetiereovertheprinciplesandrulesofliterarycriticism。Aswasfittingforamantowhomweowethememorablesaying,\"Thegoodcriticishewhorelatestheadventuresofhissoulamongstmasterpieces,\"M。
AnatoleFrancemaintainedthattherewerenorulesandnoprinciples。Andthatmaybeverytrue。Rules,principlesandstandardsdieandvanisheveryday。Perhapstheyarealldeadandvanishedbythistime。These,ifever,arethebrave,freedaysofdestroyedlandmarks,whiletheingeniousmindsarebusyinventingtheformsofthenewbeaconswhich,itisconsolingtothink,willbesetuppresentlyintheoldplaces。Butwhatisinterestingtoawriteristhepossessionofaninwardcertitudethatliterarycriticismwillneverdie,forman(sovariouslydefined)is,beforeeverythingelse,acriticalanimal。And,aslongasdistinguishedmindsarereadytotreatitinthespiritofhighadventure,literarycriticismshallappealtouswithallthecharmandwisdomofawell-toldtaleofpersonalexperience。
ForEnglishmenespecially,ofalltheracesoftheearth,atask,anytask,undertakeninanadventurousspiritacquiresthemeritofromance。Butthecriticsasaruleexhibitbutlittleofanadventurousspirit。Theytakerisks,ofcourse——onecanhardlylivewithoutthat。Thedailybreadisservedouttous(howeversparingly)withapinchofsalt。Otherwiseonewouldgetsickofthedietonepraysfor,andthatwouldbenotonlyimproper,butimpious。Fromimpietyofthatoranyotherkind——saveus!Anidealofreservedmanner,adheredtofromasenseofproprieties,fromshyness,perhaps,orcaution,orsimplyfromweariness,induces,Isuspect,somewritersofcriticismtoconcealtheadventuroussideoftheircalling,andthenthecriticismbecomesamere\"notice,\"asitweretherelationofajourneywherenothingbutthedistancesandthegeologyofanewcountryshouldbesetdown;theglimpsesofstrangebeasts,thedangersoffloodandfield,thehair’s-breadthescapes,andthesufferings(oh,thesufferingstoo!Ihavenodoubtofthesufferings)ofthetravellerbeingcarefullykeptout;noshadyspot,nofruitfulplantbeingevermentionedeither;sothatthewholeperformancelookslikeamerefeatofagilityonthepartofatrainedpenrunninginadesert。Acruelspectacle——amostdeplorableadventure。\"Life,\"inthewordsofanimmortalthinkerof,I
shouldsay,bucolicorigin,butwhoseperishablenameislosttotheworshipofposterity——\"lifeisnotallbeerandskittles。\"
Neitheristhewritingofnovels。Itisn’treally。Jevousdonnemaparoled’honneurthatit——is——not。Notall。Iamthusemphaticbecausesomeyearsago,Iremember,thedaughterofageneral……
Suddenrevelationsoftheprofaneworldmusthavecomenowandthentohermitsintheircells,tothecloisteredmonksofMiddleAges,tolonelysages,menofscience,reformers;therevelationsoftheworld’ssuperficialjudgment,shockingtothesoulsconcentratedupontheirownbitterlabourinthecauseofsanctity,orofknowledge,oroftemperance,letussay,orofart,ifonlytheartofcrackingjokesorplayingtheflute。Andthusthisgeneral’sdaughtercametome——orIshouldsayoneofthegeneral’sdaughtersdid。Therewerethreeofthesebachelorladies,ofnicelygraduatedages,whoheldaneighbouringfarmhouseinaunitedandmoreorlessmilitaryoccupation。Theeldestwarredagainstthedecayofmannersinthevillagechildren,andexecutedfrontalattacksuponthevillagemothersfortheconquestofcurtseys。Itsoundsfutile,butitwasreallyawarforanidea。Thesecondskirmishedandscoutedalloverthecountry;anditwasthatonewhopushedareconnaissancerighttomyverytable——Imeantheonewhoworestand-upcollars。
Shewasreallycallinguponmywifeinthesoftspiritofafternoonfriendliness,butwithherusualmartialdetermination。
Shemarchedintomyroomswingingherstick……butno——Imustn’texaggerate。Itisnotmyspeciality。Iamnotahumoristicwriter。Inallsoberness,then,allIamcertainofisthatshehadasticktoswing。
Noditchorwallencompassedmyabode。Thewindowwasopen;thedoortoostoodopentothatbestfriendofmywork,thewarm,stillsunshineofthewidefields。Theylayaroundmeinfinitelyhelpful,buttruthtosayIhadnotknownforweekswhetherthesunshoneupontheearthandwhetherthestarsabovestillmovedontheirappointedcourses。Iwasjustthengivingupsomedaysofmyallottedspantothelastchaptersofthenovel\"Nostromo,\"
ataleofanimaginary(buttrue)seaboard,whichisstillmentionednowandagain,andindeedkindly,sometimesinconnectionwiththeword\"failure\"andsometimesinconjunctionwiththeword\"astonishing。\"Ihavenoopiniononthisdiscrepancy。It’sthesortofdifferencethatcanneverbesettled。AllIknowisthat,fortwentymonths,neglectingthecommonjoysoflifethatfalltothelotofthehumblestonthisearth,Ihad,liketheprophetofold,\"wrestledwiththeLord\"
formycreation,fortheheadlandsofthecoast,forthedarknessofthePlacidGulf,thelightonthesnows,thecloudsonthesky,andforthebreathoflifethathadtobeblownintotheshapesofmenandwomen,ofLatinandSaxon,ofJewandGentile。
Theseare,perhaps,strongwords,butitisdifficulttocharacteriseotherwisetheintimacyandthestrainofacreativeeffortinwhichmindandwillandconscienceareengagedtothefull,hourafterhour,dayafterday,awayfromtheworld,andtotheexclusionofallthatmakeslifereallylovableandgentle——
somethingforwhichamaterialparallelcanonlybefoundintheeverlastingsombrestressofthewestwardwinterpassageroundCapeHorn。ForthattooisthewrestlingofmenwiththemightoftheirCreator,inagreatisolationfromtheworld,withouttheamenitiesandconsolationsoflife,alonelystruggleunderasenseofover-matchedlittleness,fornorewardthatcouldbeadequate,butforthemerewinningofalongitude。Yetacertainlongitude,oncewon,cannotbedisputed。Thesunandthestarsandtheshapeofyoureartharethewitnessesofyourgain;
whereasahandfulofpages,nomatterhowmuchyouhavemadethemyourown,areatbestbutanobscureandquestionablespoil。
Heretheyare。\"Failure\"——\"Astonishing\":takeyourchoice;orperhapsboth,orneither——amererustleandflutterofpiecesofpapersettlingdowninthenight,andundistinguishable,likethesnowflakesofagreatdriftdestinedtomeltawayinthesunshine。
\"Howdoyoudo?\"
Itwasthegreetingofthegeneral’sdaughter。Ihadheardnothing——norustle,nofootsteps。Ihadfeltonlyamomentbeforeasortofpremonitionofevil;Ihadthesenseofaninauspiciouspresence——justthatmuchwarningandnomore;andthencamethesoundofthevoiceandthejarasofaterriblefallfromagreatheight——afall,letussay,fromthehighestofthecloudsfloatingingentleprocessionoverthefieldsinthefaintwesterlyairofthatJulyafternoon。Ipickedmyselfupquickly,ofcourse;inotherwords,Ijumpedupfrommychairstunnedanddazed,everynervequiveringwiththepainofbeinguprootedoutofoneworldandflungdownintoanother——perfectlycivil。
\"Oh!Howdoyoudo?Won’tyousitdown?\"
That’swhatIsaid。Thishorriblebut,Iassureyou,perfectlytruereminiscencetellsyoumorethanawholevolumeofconfessionsalaJeanJacquesRousseauwoulddo。Observe!I
didn’thowlather,orstartupsettingfurniture,orthrowmyselfonthefloorandkick,orallowmyselftohintinanyotherwayattheappallingmagnitudeofthedisaster。ThewholeworldofCostaguana(thecountry,youmayremember,ofmyseaboardtale),men,women,headlands,houses,mountains,town,campo(therewasnotasinglebrick,stone,orgrainofsandofitssoilIhadnotplacedinpositionwithmyownhands);allthehistory,geography,politics,finance;thewealthofCharlesGould’ssilver-mine,andthesplendourofthemagnificentCapatazdeCargadores,whosename,criedoutinthenight(Dr。Monyghamhearditpassoverhishead——inLindaViola’svoice),dominatedevenafterdeaththedarkgulfcontaininghisconquestsoftreasureandlove——allthathadcomedowncrashingaboutmyears。
IfeltIcouldneverpickupthepieces——andinthatverymomentIwassaying,\"Won’tyousitdown?\"
Theseaisstrongmedicine。Beholdwhatthequarter-decktrainingeveninamerchantshipwilldo!ThisepisodeshouldgiveyouanewviewoftheEnglishandScotsseamen(amuch-
caricaturedfolk)whohadthelastsayintheformationofmycharacter。Oneisnothingifnotmodest,butinthisdisasterI
thinkIhavedonesomehonourtotheirsimpleteaching。\"Won’tyousitdown?\"Veryfair;veryfairindeed。Shesatdown。Heramusedglancestrayedallovertheroom。TherewerepagesofMS。
onthetableandunderthetable,abatchoftypedcopyonachair,singleleaveshadflutteredawayintodistantcorners;
thereweretherelivingpages,pagesscoredandwounded,deadpagesthatwouldbeburntattheendoftheday——thelitterofacruelbattlefield,ofalong,longanddesperatefray。Long!I
supposeIwenttobedsometimes,andgotupthesamenumberoftimes。Yes,IsupposeIslept,andatethefoodputbeforeme,andtalkedconnectedlytomyhouseholdonsuitableoccasions。
ButIhadneverbeenawareoftheevenflowofdailylife,madeeasyandnoiselessformebyasilent,watchful,tirelessaffection。Indeed,itseemedtomethatIhadbeensittingatthattablesurroundedbythelitterofadesperatefrayfordaysandnightsonend。Itseemedso,becauseoftheintensewearinessofwhichthatinterruptionhadmademeaware——theawfuldisenchantmentofamindrealisingsuddenlythefutilityofanenormoustask,joinedtoabodilyfatiguesuchasnoordinaryamountoffairlyheavyphysicallabourcouldeveraccountfor。I
havecarriedbagsofwheatonmyback,bentalmostdoubleunderaship’sdeck-beams,fromsixinthemorningtillsixintheevening(withanhourandahalfoffformeals),soIoughttoknow。
AndIloveletters。Iamjealousoftheirhonourandconcernedforthedignityandcomelinessoftheirservice。Iwas,mostlikely,theonlywriterthatneatladyhadevercaughtintheexerciseofhiscraft,anditdistressedmenottobeabletorememberwhenitwasthatIdressedmyselflast,andhow。Nodoubtthatwouldbeallrightinessentials。Thefortuneofthehouseincludedapairofgrey-bluewatchfuleyesthatwouldseetothat。ButIfeltsomehowasgrimyasaCostaguanaleperoafteraday’sfightinginthestreets,rumpledalloveranddishevelleddowntomyveryheels。AndIamafraidIblinkedstupidly。Allthiswasbadforthehonouroflettersandthedignityoftheirservice。Seenindistinctlythroughthedustofmycollapseduniverse,thegoodladyglancedabouttheroomwithaslightlyamusedserenity。Andshewassmiling。Whatonearthwasshesmilingat?Sheremarkedcasually:
\"IamafraidIinterruptedyou。\"
\"Notatall。\"
Sheacceptedthedenialinperfectgoodfaith。Anditwasstrictlytrue。Interrupted——indeed!Shehadrobbedmeofatleasttwentylives,eachinfinitelymorepoignantandrealthanherown,becauseinformedwithpassion,possessedofconvictions,involvedingreataffairscreatedoutofmyownsubstanceforananxiouslymeditatedend。
Sheremainedsilentforawhile,thensaidwithalastglanceallroundatthelitterofthefray:
\"Andyousitlikethisherewritingyour——your……\"
\"I——what?Oh,yes,Isithereallday。\"
\"Itmustbeperfectlydelightful。\"
Isupposethat,beingnolongerveryyoung,Imighthavebeenonthevergeofhavingastroke;butshehadleftherdogintheporch,andmyboy’sdog,patrollingthefieldinfront,hadespiedhimfromafar。Hecameonstraightandswiftlikeacannon-ball,andthenoiseofthefight,whichburstsuddenlyuponourears,wasmorethanenoughtoscareawayafitofapoplexy。Wewentouthastilyandseparatedthegallantanimals。
AfterwardsItoldtheladywhereshewouldfindmywife——justroundthecorner,underthetrees。Shenoddedandwentoffwithherdog,leavingmeappalledbeforethedeathanddevastationshehadlightlymade——andwiththeawfullyinstructivesoundoftheword\"delightful\"lingeringinmyears。
Nevertheless,lateron,Idulyescortedhertothefieldgate。I
wantedtobecivil,ofcourse(whataretwentylivesinamerenovelthatoneshouldberudetoaladyontheiraccount?),butmainly,toadoptthegoodsoundOllendorffianstyle,becauseI
didnotwantthedogofthegeneral’sdaughtertofightagain(encore)withthefaithfuldogofmyinfantson(monpetitgarcon)。——WasIafraidthatthedogofthegeneral’sdaughterwouldbeabletoovercome(vaincre)thedogofmychild?——No,I
wasnotafraid……ButawaywiththeOllendorffmethod。HoweverappropriateandseeminglyunavoidablewhenItouchuponanythingappertainingtothelady,itismostunsuitabletotheorigin,characterandhistoryofthedog;forthedogwasthegifttothechildfromamanforwhomwordshadanythingbutanOllendorffianvalue,amanalmostchildlikeintheimpulsivemovementsofhisuntutoredgenius,themostsingle-mindedofverbalimpressionists,usinghisgreatgiftsofstraightfeelingandrightexpressionwithafinesincerityandastrongif,perhaps,notfullyconsciousconviction。Hisartdidnotobtain,Ifear,allthecredititsunsophisticatedinspirationdeserved。IamalludingtothelateStephenCrane,theauthorof\"TheRedBadgeofCourage,\"aworkofimaginationwhichfounditsshortmomentofcelebrityinthelastdecadeofthedepartedcentury。Otherbooksfollowed。Notmany。Hehadnotthetime。Itwasanindividualandcompletetalent,whichobtainedbutagrudging,somewhatsuperciliousrecognitionfromtheworldatlarge。Forhimselfonehesitatestoregrethisearlydeath。Likeoneofthemeninhis\"OpenBoat,\"onefeltthathewasofthosewhomfateseldomallowstomakeasafelandingaftermuchtoilandbitternessattheoar。Iconfesstoanabidingaffectionforthatenergetic,slight,fragile,intenselylivingandtransientfigure。Helikedmeevenbeforewemetonthestrengthofapageortwoofmywriting,andafterwehadmetIamgladtothinkhelikedmestill。Heusedtopointouttomewithgreatearnestness,andevenwithsomeseverity,that\"aboyoughttohaveadog。\"Isuspectthathewasshockedatmyneglectofparentalduties。Ultimatelyitwashewhoprovidedthedog。
Shortlyafterwards,oneday,afterplayingwiththechildontherugforanhourorsowiththemostintenseabsorption,heraisedhisheadanddeclaredfirmly:\"Ishallteachyourboytoride。\"
Thatwasnottobe。Hewasnotgiventhetime。
Buthereisthedog——anolddognow。Broadandlowonhisbandypaws,withablackheadonawhitebodyandaridiculousblackspotattheotherendofhim,heprovokes,whenhewalksabroad,smilesnotaltogetherunkind。Grotesqueandengaginginthewholeofhisappearance,hisusualattitudesaremeek,buthistemperamentdisclosesitselfunexpectedlypugnaciousinthepresenceofhiskind。Asheliesinthefirelight,hisheadwellup,andafixed,far-awaygazedirectedattheshadowsoftheroom,heachievesastrikingnobilityofposeinthecalmconsciousnessofanunstainedlife。Hehasbroughtuponebaby,andnow,afterseeinghisfirstchargeofftoschool,heisbringingupanotherwiththesameconscientiousdevotion,butwithamoredeliberategravityofmanner,thesignofgreaterwisdomandriperexperience,butalsoofrheumatism,Ifear。
Fromthemorningbathtotheeveningceremoniesofthecotyouattend,oldfriend,thelittletwo-leggedcreatureofyouradoption,beingyourselftreatedintheexerciseofyourdutieswitheverypossibleregard,withinfiniteconsideration,byeverypersoninthehouse——evenasImyselfamtreated;onlyyoudeserveitmore。Thegeneral’sdaughterwouldtellyouthatitmustbe\"perfectlydelightful。\"
Aha!olddog。Sheneverheardyouyelpwithacutepain(it’sthatpoorleftear)thewhile,withincredibleself-command,youpreservearigidimmobilityforfearofoverturningthelittletwo-leggedcreature。Shehasneverseenyourresignedsmilewhenthelittletwo-leggedcreature,interrogatedsternly,\"Whatareyoudoingtothegooddog?\"answerswithawide,innocentstare:
\"Nothing。Onlylovinghim,mammadear!\"
Thegeneral’sdaughterdoesnotknowthesecrettermsofself-
imposedtasks,gooddog,thepainthatmaylurkintheveryrewardsofrigidself-command。Butwehavelivedtogethermanyyears。Wehavegrownolder,too;andthoughourworkisnotquitedoneyetwemayindulgenowandtheninalittleintrospectionbeforethefire——meditateontheartofbringingupbabiesandontheperfectdelightofwritingtaleswheresomanylivescomeandgoatthecostofonewhichslipsimperceptiblyaway。
ChapterVI。
Intheretrospectofalifewhichhad,besidesitspreliminarystageofchildhoodandearlyyouth,twodistinctdevelopments,andeventwodistinctelements,suchasearthandwater,foritssuccessivescenes,acertainamountofnaivenessisunavoidable。
Iamconsciousofitinthesepages。Thisremarkisputforwardinnoapologeticspirit。Asyearsgobyandthenumberofpagesgrowssteadily,thefeelinggrowsupononetoothatonecanwriteonlyforfriends。Thenwhyshouldoneputthemtothenecessityofprotesting(asafriendwoulddo)thatnoapologyisnecessary,orput,perchance,intotheirheadsthedoubtofone’sdiscretion?Somuchastothecareduetothosefriendswhomawordhere,alinethere,afortunatepageofjustfeelingintherightplace,somehappysimplicity,orevensomeluckysubtlety,hasdrawnfromthegreatmultitudeoffellow-beingsevenasafishisdrawnfromthedepthsofthesea。Fishingisnotoriously(Iamtalkingnowofthedeepsea)amatterofluck。Astoone’senemies,thosewilltakecareofthemselves。
Thereisagentleman,forinstance,who,metaphoricallyspeaking,jumpsuponmewithbothfeet。Thisimagehasnograce,butitisexceedinglyapttotheoccasion——totheseveraloccasions。I
don’tknowpreciselyhowlonghehadbeenindulginginthatintermittentexercise,whoseseasonsareruledbythecustomofthepublishingtrade。Somebodypointedhimout(inprintedshape,ofcourse)tomyattentionsometimeago,andstraightwayIexperiencedasortofreluctantaffectionforthatrobustman。
Heleavesnotashredofmysubstanceuntrodden:forthewriter’ssubstanceishiswriting;therestofhimisbutavainshadow,cherishedorhatedonuncriticalgrounds。Notashred!
Yetthesentimentownedtoisnotafreakofaffectationorperversity。Ithasadeeper,and,Iventuretothink,amoreestimableoriginthanthecapriceofemotionallawlessness。Itis,indeed,lawful,insomuchthatitisgiven(reluctantly)foraconsideration,forseveralconsiderations。Thereisthatrobustness,forinstance,sooftenthesignofgoodmoralbalance。That’saconsideration。Itisnot,indeed,pleasanttobestampedupon,buttheverythoroughnessoftheoperation,implyingnotonlyacarefulreading,butsomerealinsightintoworkwhosequalitiesanddefects,whatevertheymaybe,arenotsomuchonthesurface,issomethingtobethankfulforinviewofthefactthatitmayhappentoone’sworktobecondemnedwithoutbeingreadatall。Thisisthemostfatuousadventurethatcanwellhappentoawriterventuringhissoulamongstcriticisms。Itcandoonenoharm,ofcourse,butitisdisagreeable。Itisdisagreeableinthesamewayasdiscoveringathree-card-trickmanamongstadecentlotoffolkinathird-
classcompartment。Theopenimpudenceofthewholetransaction,appealinginsidiouslytothefollyandcredulityofmankind,thebrazen,shamelesspatter,proclaimingthefraudopenlywhileinsistingonthefairnessofthegame,giveoneafeelingofsickeningdisgust。Thehonestviolenceofaplainmanplayingafairgamefairly——evenifhemeanstoknockyouover——mayappearshocking,butitremainswithinthepaleofdecency。Damagingasitmaybe,itisinnosenseoffensive。Onemaywellfeelsomeregardforhonesty,evenifpractiseduponone’sownvilebody。
Butitisveryobviousthatanenemyofthatsortwillnotbestayedbyexplanationsorplacatedbyapologies。WereItoadvancethepleaofyouthinexcuseofthenaivenesstobefoundinthesepages,hewouldbelikelytosay\"Bosh!\"inacolumnandahalfoffierceprint。Yetawriterisnoolderthanhisfirstpublishedbook,and,notwithstandingthevainappearancesofdecaywhichattendusinthistransitorylife,Istandherewiththewreathofonlyfifteenshortsummersonmybrow。
Withtheremark,then,thatatsuchtenderagesomenaivenessoffeelingandexpressionisexcusable,Iproceedtoadmitthat,uponthewhole,mypreviousstateofexistencewasnotagoodequipmentforaliterarylife。PerhapsIshouldnothaveusedthewordliterary。Thatwordpresupposesanintimacyofacquaintancewithletters,aturnofmindandamanneroffeelingtowhichI
darelaynoclaim。Ionlyloveletters;buttheloveoflettersdoesnotmakealiteraryman,anymorethantheloveoftheseamakesaseaman。Anditisverypossible,too,thatIlovethelettersinthesamewayaliterarymanmaylovetheseahelooksatfromtheshore——asceneofgreatendeavourandofgreatachievementschangingthefaceoftheworld,thegreatopenwaytoallsortsofundiscoveredcountries。No,perhapsIhadbettersaythatthelifeatsea——andIdon’tmeanameretasteofit,butagoodbroadspanofyears,somethingthatreallycountsasrealservice——isnot,uponthewhole,agoodequipmentforawritinglife。Godforbid,though,thatIshouldbethoughtofasdenyingmymastersofthequarter-deck。Iamnotcapableofthatsortofapostasy。Ihaveconfessedmyattitudeofpietytowardstheirshadesinthreeorfourtales,andifanymanonearthmorethananotherneedstobetruetohimselfashehopestobesaved,itiscertainlythewriteroffiction。