CHAPTERI——HISLEAVINGITTILLCALLEDFOR
ThewriterofthesehumblelinesbeingaWaiter，andhavingcomeofafamilyofWaiters，andowningatthepresenttimefivebrotherswhoareallWaiters，andlikewiseanonlysisterwhoisaWaitress，wouldwishtoofferafewwordsrespectinghiscalling；firsthavingthepleasureofherebyinafriendlymannerofferingtheDedicationofthesameuntoJOSEPH，muchrespectedHeadWaiterattheSlamjamCoffee-house，London，E。C。，thanwhichaindividualmoreeminentlydeservingofthenameofman，oramoreamenablehonourtohisownheadandheart，whetherconsideredinthelightofaWaiterorregardedasahumanbeing，donotexist。
Incaseconfusionshouldariseinthepublicmind（whichitisopentoconfusiononmanysubjects）respectingwhatismeantorimpliedbythetermWaiter，thepresenthumblelineswouldwishtoofferanexplanation。ItmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthepersonasgoesouttowaitisNOTaWaiter。Itmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthehandasiscalledinextra，attheFreemasons’Tavern，ortheLondon，ortheAlbion，orotherwise，isNOTaWaiter。SuchhandsmaybetookonforPublicDinnersbythebushel（andyoumayknowthembytheirbreathingwithdifficultywheninattendance，andtakingawaythebottleereyetitishalfout）；butsuchareNOT
Waiters。Foryoucannotlaydownthetailoring，ortheshoemaking，orthebrokering，orthegreen-grocering，orthepictorial-
periodicalling，orthesecond-handwardrobe，orthesmallfancybusinesses，——youcannotlaydownthoselinesoflifeatyourwillandpleasurebythehalf-dayorevening，andtakeupWaitering。Youmaysupposeyoucan，butyoucannot；oryoumaygosofarastosayyoudo，butyoudonot。Noryetcanyoulaydownthegentleman’s-
servicewhenstimulatedbyprolongedincompatibilityonthepartofCooks（andhereitmayberemarkedthatCookingandIncompatibilitywillbemostlyfoundunited），andtakeupWaitering。Ithasbeenascertainedthatwhatagentlemanwillsitmeekunder，athome，hewillnotbearoutofdoors，attheSlamjamoranysimilarestablishment。Then，whatistheinferencetobedrawnrespectingtrueWaitering？Youmustbebredtoit。Youmustbeborntoit。
Wouldyouknowhowborntoit，FairReader，——ifoftheadorablefemalesex？ThenlearnfromthebiographicalexperienceofonethatisaWaiterinthesixty-firstyearofhisage。
Youwereconveyed，——ereyetyourdawningpowerswereotherwisedevelopedthantoharbourvacancyinyourinside，——youwereconveyed，bysurreptitiousmeans，intoapantryadjoiningtheAdmiralNelson，CivicandGeneralDining-Rooms，theretoreceivebystealththathealthfulsustenancewhichistheprideandboastoftheBritishfemaleconstitution。Yourmotherwasmarriedtoyourfather（himselfadistantWaiter）intheprofoundestsecrecy；foraWaitressknowntobemarriedwouldruinthebestofbusinesses，——itisthesameasonthestage。Henceyourbeingsmuggledintothepantry，andthat——toaddtotheinfliction——byanunwillinggrandmother。Underthecombinedinfluenceofthesmellsofroastandboiled，andsoup，andgas，andmaltliquors，youpartookofyourearliestnourishment；yourunwillinggrandmothersittingpreparedtocatchyouwhenyourmotherwascalledanddroppedyou；yourgrandmother’sshawleverreadytostifleyournaturalcomplainings；
yourinnocentmindsurroundedbyuncongenialcruets，dirtyplates，dish-covers，andcoldgravy；yourmothercallingdownthepipeforvealsandporks，insteadofsoothingyouwithnurseryrhymes。Undertheseuntowardcircumstancesyouwereearlyweaned。Yourunwillinggrandmother，evergrowingmoreunwillingasyourfoodassimilatedless，thencontractedhabitsofshakingyoutillyoursystemcurdled，andyourfoodwouldnotassimilateatall。Atlengthshewasnolongerspared，andcouldhavebeenthankfullysparedmuchsooner。Whenyourbrothersbegantoappearinsuccession，yourmotherretired，leftoffhersmartdressing（shehadpreviouslybeenasmartdresser），andherdarkringlets（whichhadpreviouslybeenflowing），andhauntedyourfatherlateofnights，lyinginwaitforhim，throughallweathers，uptheshabbycourtwhichledtothebackdooroftheRoyalOldDust-Bin（saidtohavebeensonamedbyGeorgetheFourth），whereyourfatherwasHead。ButtheDust-Binwasgoingdownthen，andyourfathertookbutlittle，——exceptingfromaliquidpointofview。Yourmother’sobjectinthosevisitswasofahouse-
keepingcharacter，andyouwassetontowhistleyourfatherout。
Sometimeshecameout，butgenerallynot。Comeornotcome，however，allthatpartofhisexistencewhichwasunconnectedwithopenWaiteringwaskeptaclosesecret，andwasacknowledgedbyyourmothertobeaclosesecret，andyouandyourmotherflittedaboutthecourt，closesecretsbothofyou，andwouldscarcelyhaveconfessedundertorturethatyouknowyourfather，orthatyourfatherhadanynamethanDick（whichwasn’thisname，thoughhewasneverknownbyanyother），orthathehadkithorkinorchickorchild。Perhapstheattractionofthismystery，combinedwithyourfather’shavingadampcompartment，tohimself，behindaleakycistern，attheDust-Bin，——asortofacellarcompartment，withasinkinit，andasmell，andaplate-rack，andabottle-rack，andthreewindowsthatdidn’tmatcheachotheroranythingelse，andnodaylight，——causedyouryoungmindtofeelconvincedthatyoumustgrowuptobeaWaitertoo；butyoudidfeelconvincedofit，andsodidallyourbrothers，downtoyoursister。EveryoneofyoufeltconvincedthatyouwasborntotheWaitering。Atthisstageofyourcareer，whatwasyourfeelingsonedaywhenyourfathercamehometoyourmotherinopenbroaddaylight，——ofitselfanactofMadnessonthepartofaWaiter，——andtooktohisbed（leastwise，yourmotherandfamily’sbed），withthestatementthathiseyesweredevilledkidneys。Physiciansbeinginvain，yourfatherexpired，afterrepeatingatintervalsforadayandanight，whengleamsofreasonandoldbusinessfitfullyilluminatedhisbeing，\"Twoandtwoisfive。Andthreeissixpence。\"Interredintheparochialdepartmentoftheneighbouringchurchyard，andaccompaniedtothegravebyasmanyWaitersoflongstandingascouldsparethemorningtimefromtheirsoiledglasses（namely，one），yourbereavedformwasattiredinawhiteneckankecher，andyouwastookonfrommotivesofbenevolenceatTheGeorgeandGridiron，theatricalandsupper。
Here，supportingnatureonwhatyoufoundintheplates（whichwasasithappened，andbuttoooftenthoughtlessly，immersedinmustard），andonwhatyoufoundintheglasses（whichrarelywentbeyonddribletsandlemon），bynightyoudroppedasleepstanding，tillyouwascuffedawake，andbydaywassettopolishingeveryindividualarticleinthecoffee-room。Yourcouchbeingsawdust；
yourcounterpanebeingashesofcigars。Here，frequentlyhidingaheavyheartunderthesmarttieofyourwhiteneckankecher（orcorrectlyspeakinglowerdownandmoretotheleft），youpickeduptherudimentsofknowledgefromanextra，bythenameofBishops，andbycallingplate-washer，andgraduallyelevatingyourmindwithchalkonthebackofthecorner-boxpartition，untilsuchtimeasyouusedtheinkstandwhenitwasoutofhand，attainedtomanhood，andtobetheWaiterthatyoufindyourself。
Icouldwishheretoofferafewrespectfulwordsonbehalfofthecallingsolongthecallingofmyselfandfamily，andthepublicinterestinwhichisbuttoooftenverylimited。Wearenotgenerallyunderstood。No，wearenot。Allowanceenoughisnotmadeforus。For，saythatweevershowalittledroopinglistlessnessofspirits，orwhatmightbetermedindifferenceorapathy。Putittoyourselfwhatwouldyourownstateofmindbe，ifyouwasoneofanenormousfamilyeverymemberofwhichexceptyouwasalwaysgreedy，andinahurry。Putittoyourselfthatyouwasregularlyrepletewithanimalfoodattheslackhoursofoneinthedayandagainatninep。m。，andthattherepleteryouwas，themorevoraciousallyourfellow-creaturescamein。Putittoyourselfthatitwasyourbusiness，whenyourdigestionwaswellon，totakeapersonalinterestandsympathyinahundredgentlemenfreshandfresh（say，forthesakeofargument，onlyahundred），whoseimaginationswasgivenuptogreaseandfatandgravyandmeltedbutter，andabandonedtoquestioningyouaboutcutsofthis，anddishesofthat，——eachof’emgoingonasifhimandyouandthebilloffarewasaloneintheworld。Thenlookwhatyouareexpectedtoknow。Youareneverout，buttheyseemtothinkyouregularlyattendeverywhere。\"What’sthis，Christopher，thatIhearaboutthesmashedExcursionTrain？HowaretheydoingattheItalianOpera，Christopher？\"\"Christopher，whataretherealparticularsofthisbusinessattheYorkshireBank？\"SimilarlyaministrygivesmemoretroublethanitgivestheQueen。AstoLordPalmerston，theconstantandwearingconnectionintowhichIhavebeenbroughtwithhislordshipduringthelastfewyearsisdeservingofapension。
ThenlookattheHypocriteswearemade，andthelies（white，I
hope）thatareforceduponus！Whymustasedentary-pursuitedWaiterbeconsideredtobeajudgeofhorseflesh，andtohaveamosttremendousinterestinhorse-trainingandracing？Yetitwouldbehalfourlittleincomesoutofourpocketsifwedidn’ttakeontohavethosesportingtastes。Itisthesame（inconceivablewhy！）
withFarming。Shooting，equallyso。IamsurethatsoregularasthemonthsofAugust，September，andOctobercomeround，IamashamedofmyselfinmyownprivatebosomforthewayinwhichI
makebelievetocarewhetherornotthegrouseisstrongonthewing（muchtheirwings，ordrumstickseither，signifiestome，uncooked！），andwhetherthepartridgesisplentifulamongtheturnips，andwhetherthepheasantsisshyorbold，oranythingelseyoupleasetomention。Yetyoumayseeme，oranyotherWaiterofmystanding，holdingonbythebackofthebox，andleaningoveragentlemanwithhispurseoutandhisbillbeforehim，discussingthesepointsinaconfidentialtoneofvoice，asifmyhappinessinlifeentirelydependedon’em。
Ihavementionedourlittleincomes。Lookatthemostunreasonablepointofall，andthepointonwhichthegreatestinjusticeisdoneus！Whetheritisowingtoouralwayscarryingsomuchchangeinourright-handtrousers-pocket，andsomanyhalfpenceinourcoat-
tails，orwhetheritishumannature（whichIwerelothtobelieve），whatismeantbytheeverlastingfablethatHeadWaitersisrich？
Howdidthatfablegetintocirculation？Whofirstputitabout，andwhatarethefactstoestablishtheunblushingstatement？Comeforth，thouslanderer，andreferthepublictotheWaiter’swillinDoctors’Commonssupportingthymalignanthiss！Yetthisissocommonlydweltupon——especiallybythescrewswhogiveWaiterstheleast——thatdenialisvain；andweareobliged，forourcredit’ssake，tocarryourheadsasifweweregoingintoabusiness，whenofthetwowearemuchmorelikelytogointoaunion。TherewasformerlyascrewasfrequentedtheSlamjamereyetthepresentwriterhadquittedthatestablishmentonaquestionoftea-inghisassistantstaffoutofhisownpocket，whichscrewcarriedthetaunttoitsbitterestheight。Neversoaringabovethreepence，andasoftenasnotgrovellingontheearthapennylower，heyetrepresentedthepresentwriterasalargeholderofConsols，alenderofmoneyonmortgage，aCapitalist。HehasbeenoverheardtodilatetoothercustomersontheallegationthatthepresentwriterputoutthousandsofpoundsatinterestinDistilleriesandBreweries。\"Well，Christopher，\"hewouldsay（havinggrovelledhislowestontheearth，halfamomentbefore），\"lookingoutforaHousetoopen，eh？Can’tfindabusinesstobedisposedofonascaleasisuptoyourresources，humph？\"Tosuchadizzyprecipiceoffalsehoodhasthismisrepresentationtakenwing，thatthewell-knownandhighly-respectedOLDCHARLES，longeminentattheWestCountryHotel，andbysomeconsideredtheFatheroftheWaitering，foundhimselfundertheobligationtofallintoitthroughsomanyyearsthathisownwife（forhehadanunbeknownoldladyinthatcapacitytowardshimself）believedit！Andwhatwastheconsequence？WhenhewasbornetohisgraveontheshouldersofsixpickedWaiters，withsixmoreforchange，sixmoreactingaspall-bearers，allkeepingstepinapouringshowerwithoutadryeyevisible，andaconcourseonlyinferiortoRoyalty，hispantryandlodgingswasequallyransackedhighandlowforproperty，andnonewasfound！
Howcoulditbefound，when，beyondhislastmonthlycollectionofwalking-sticks，umbrellas，andpocket-handkerchiefs（whichhappenedtohavebeennotyetdisposedof，thoughhehadeverbeenthroughlifepunctualinclearingoffhiscollectionsbythemonth），therewasnopropertyexisting？Such，however，istheforceofthisuniversallibel，thatthewidowofOldCharles，atthepresenthouraninmateoftheAlmshousesoftheCork-Cutters’Company，inBlueAnchorRoad（identifiedsittingatthedoorofoneof’em，inacleancapandaWindsorarm-chair，onlylastMonday），expectsJohn’shoardedwealthtobefoundhourly！Nay，ereyethehadsuccumbedtothegrislydart，andwhenhisportraitwaspaintedinoilslife-
size，bysubscriptionofthefrequentersoftheWestCountry，tohangoverthecoffee-roomchimney-piece，therewerenotwantingthosewhocontendedthatwhatistermedtheaccessoriesofsuchaportraitoughttobetheBankofEnglandoutofwindow，andastrong-boxonthetable。Andbutforbetter-regulatedmindscontendingforabottleandscrewandtheattitudeofdrawing，——andcarryingtheirpoint，——itwouldhavebeensohandeddowntoposterity。
Iamnowbroughttothetitleofthepresentremarks。Having，I
hopewithoutoffencetoanyquarter，offeredsuchobservationsasI
feltitmydutytooffer，inafreecountrywhichhaseverdominatedtheseas，onthegeneralsubject，Iwillnowproceedtowaitontheparticularquestion。
Atamomentousperiodofmylife，whenIwasoff，sofarasconcernednoticegiven，withaHousethatshallbenameless，——forthequestiononwhichItookmydepartingstandwasafixedchargeforwaiters，andnoHouseascommitsitselftothateminentlyUn-
Englishactofmorethanfoolishnessandbasenessshallbeadvertisedbyme，——Irepeat，atamomentouscrisis，whenIwasoffwithaHousetoomeanformention，andnotyetonwiththattowhichIhaveeversincehadthehonourofbeingattachedinthecapacityofHead，{1}Iwascastingaboutwhattodonext。Thenitwerethatproposalsweremadetomeonbehalfofmypresentestablishment。
Stipulationswerenecessaryonmypart，emendationswerenecessaryonmypart：intheend，ratificationsensuedonbothsides，andI
enteredonanewcareer。
Weareabedbusiness，andacoffee-roombusiness。Wearenotageneraldiningbusiness，nordowewishit。Inconsequence，whendinersdropin，weknowwhattogive’emaswillkeep’emawayanothertime。WeareaPrivateRoomorFamilybusinessalso；butCoffee-roomprincipal。MeandtheDirectoryandtheWritingMaterialsandcetreroccupyaplacetoourselves——aplacefendedofupasteportwoattheendoftheCoffee-room，inwhatIcallthegoodold-fashionedstyle。Thegoodold-fashionedstyleis，thatwhateveryouwant，downtoawafer，youmustbeolelyandsolelydependentontheHeadWaiterfor。Youmustputyourselfanew-bornChildintohishands。ThereisnootherwayinwhichabusinessuntingedwithContinentalVicecanbeconducted。（Itwerebootlesstoadd，thatiflanguagesisrequiredtobejabberedandEnglishisnotgoodenough，bothfamiliesandgentlemenhadbettergosomewhereelse。）
WhenIbegantosettledowninthisright-principledandwell-
conductedHouse，Inoticed，underthebedinNo。24B（whichitisupaangleoffthestaircase，andusuallyputoffuponthelowly-
minded），aheapofthingsinacorner。IaskedourHeadChambermaidinthecourseoftheday，\"Whatarethemthingsin24B？\"
Towhichsheansweredwithacarelessair，\"Somebody’sLuggage。\"
Regardingherwithaeyenotfreefromseverity，Isays，\"WhoseLuggage？\"
Evadingmyeye，shereplied，\"Lor！HowshouldIknow！\"-
Being，itmayberighttomention，afemaleofsomepertness，thoughacquaintedwithherbusiness。
AHeadWaitermustbeeitherHeadorTail。Hemustbeatoneextremityortheotherofthesocialscale。Hecannotbeatthewaistofit，oranywhereelsebuttheextremities。Itisforhimtodecidewhichoftheextremities。
Ontheeventfuloccasionunderconsideration，IgiveMrs。Pratchettsodistinctlytounderstandmydecision，thatIbrokeherspiritastowardsmyself，thenandthere，andforgood。LetnotinconsistencybesuspectedonaccountofmymentioningMrs。Pratchettas\"Mrs。，\"
andhavingformerlyremarkedthatawaitressmustnotbemarried。
ReadersarerespectfullyrequestedtonoticethatMrs。Pratchettwasnotawaitress，butachambermaid。NowachambermaidMAYbemarried；ifHead，generallyismarried，——orsaysso。Itcomestothesamethingasexpressingwhatiscustomary。（N。B。Mr。PratchettisinAustralia，andhisaddressthereis\"theBush。\"）
HavingtookMrs。Pratchettdownasmanypegsaswasessentialtothefuturehappinessofallparties，Irequestedhertoexplainherself。
\"Forinstance，\"Isays，togiveheralittleencouragement，\"whoisSomebody？\"
\"Igiveyoumysacredhonour，Mr。Christopher，\"answersPratchett，\"thatIhaven’tthefaintestnotion。\"
Butforthemannerinwhichshesettledhercap-strings，Ishouldhavedoubtedthis；butinrespectofpositivenessitwashardlytobediscriminatedfromanaffidavit。
\"Thenyouneversawhim？\"Ifollowedherupwith。
\"Noryet，\"saidMrs。Pratchett，shuttinghereyesandmakingasifshehadjusttookapillofunusualcircumference，——whichgavearemarkableforcetoherdenial，——\"noryetanyservantinthishouse。
Allhavebeenchanged，Mr。Christopher，withinfiveyear，andSomebodylefthisLuggageherebeforethen。\"
InquiryofMissMartinyielded（inthelanguageoftheBardofA。1。）
\"confirmationstrong。\"Soithadreallyandtrulyhappened。MissMartinistheyoungladyatthebarasmakesoutourbills；andthoughhigherthanIcouldwishconsideringherstation，isperfectlywell-behaved。
FartherinvestigationsledtothedisclosurethattherewasabillagainstthisLuggagetotheamountoftwosixteensix。TheLuggagehadbeenlyingunderthebedsteadof24Boversixyear。Thebedsteadisafour-poster，withadealofoldhangingandvalance，andis，asIoncesaid，probablyconnectedwithmorethan24Bs，——
whichIremembermyhearerswaspleasedtolaughat，atthetime。
Idon’tknowwhy，——whenDOweknowwhy？——butthisLuggagelaidheavyonmymind。IfellawonderingaboutSomebody，andwhathehadgotandbeenupto。Icouldn’tsatisfymythoughtswhyheshouldleavesomuchLuggageagainstsosmallabill。ForIhadtheLuggageoutwithinadayortwoandturneditover，andthefollowingweretheitems：-Ablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。Itwasallverydustyandfluey。Ihadourporteruptogetunderthebedandfetchitout；andthoughhehabituallywallowsindust，——swimsinitfrommorningtonight，andwearsaclose-fittingwaistcoatwithblackcalimancosleevesforthepurpose，——itmadehimsneezeagain，andhisthroatwasthathotwithitthatitwasobligedtobecooledwithadrinkofAllsopp’sdraft。
TheLuggagesogotthebetterofme，thatinsteadofhavingitputbackwhenitwaswelldustedandwashedwithawetcloth，——previoustowhichitwassocoveredwithfeathersthatyoumighthavethoughtitwasturningintopoultry，andwouldby-and-bybegintoLay，——I
say，insteadofhavingitputback，Ihaditcarriedintooneofmyplacesdown-stairs。TherefromtimetotimeIstaredatitandstaredatit，tillitseemedtogrowbigandgrowlittle，andcomeforwardatmeandretreatagain，andgothroughallmannerofperformancesresemblingintoxication。Whenthishadlastedweeks，——
Imaysaymonths，andnotbefarout，——IonedaythoughtofaskingMissMartinfortheparticularsoftheTwosixteensixtotal。Shewassoobligingastoextractitfromthebooks，——itdatingbeforehertime，——andherefollowsatruecopy：
Coffee-Room。
1856。No。4。Poundss。d。
Feb。2d，PenandPaper006
PortNegus020
Ditto020
Penandpaper006
Tumblerbroken026
Brandy020
Penandpaper006
Anchovytoast026
Penandpaper006
Bed030
Feb。3d，Penandpaper006
Breakfast026
Broiledham020
Eggs010
Watercresses010
Shrimps010
Penandpaper006
Blotting-paper006
MessengertoPaternosterRowandback016
Again，whenNoAnswer016
Brandy2s。，DevilledPorkchop2s。040
Pensandpaper010
MessengertoAlbemarleStreetandback010
Again（detained），whenNoAnswer016
Salt-cellarbroken036
LargeLiquour-glassOrangeBrandy016
Dinner，Soup，Fish，Joint，andbird076
BottleoldEastIndiaBrown080
Penandpaper006
2166
Mem。：January1st，1857。Hewentoutafterdinner，directingluggagetobereadywhenhecalledforit。Nevercalled。
Sofarfromthrowingalightuponthesubject，thisbillappearedtome，ifImaysoexpressmydoubts，toinvolveitinayetmoreluridhalo。SpeculatingitoverwiththeMistress，sheinformedmethattheluggagehadbeenadvertisedintheMaster’stimeasbeingtobesoldaftersuchandsuchadaytopayexpenses，butnofartherstepshadbeentaken。（Imayhereremark，thattheMistressisawidowinherfourthyear。TheMasterwaspossessedofoneofthoseunfortunateconstitutionsinwhichSpiritsturnstoWater，andrisesintheill-starredVictim。）
Myspeculatingitover，notthenonly，butrepeatedly，sometimeswiththeMistress，sometimeswithone，sometimeswithanother，leduptotheMistress’ssayingtome，——whetheratfirstinjokeorinearnest，orhalfjokeandhalfearnest，itmattersnot：
\"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。\"
（Ifthisshouldmeethereye，——alovelyblue，——mayshenottakeitillmymentioningthatifIhadbeeneightortenyearyounger，I
wouldhavedoneasmuchbyher！Thatis，Iwouldhavemadeheraoffer。Itisforothersthanmetodenominateitahandsomeone。）
\"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。\"
\"Putanametoit，ma’am。\"
\"Lookhere，Christopher。RunoverthearticlesofSomebody’sLuggage。You’vegotitallbyheart，Iknow。\"
\"Ablackportmanteau，ma’am，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。\"
\"Alljustastheywereleft。Nothingopened，nothingtamperedwith。\"
\"Youareright，ma’am。Alllockedbutthebrown-paperparcel，andthatsealed。\"
TheMistresswasleaningonMissMartin’sdeskatthebar-window，andshetapstheopenbookthatlaysuponthedesk，——shehasapretty-madehandtobesure，——andbobsherheadoveritandlaughs。
\"Come，\"saysshe，\"Christopher。PaymeSomebody’sbill，andyoushallhaveSomebody’sLuggage。\"
Irathertooktotheideafromthefirstmoment；but，\"Itmayn’tbeworththemoney，\"Iobjected，seemingtoholdback。
\"That’saLottery，\"saystheMistress，foldingherarmsuponthebook，——itain’therhandsalonethat’sprettymade，theobservationextendsrightupherarms。\"Won’tyouventuretwopoundsixteenshillingsandsixpenceintheLottery？Why，there’snoblanks！\"
saystheMistress；laughingandbobbingherheadagain，\"youMUST
win。Ifyoulose，youmustwin！AllprizesinthisLottery！Drawablank，andremember，Gentlemen-Sportsmen，you’llstillbeentitledtoablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，asheetofbrownpaper，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick！\"
Tomakeshortofit，MissMartincomeroundme，andMrs。Pratchettcomeroundme，andtheMistressshewascompletelyroundmealready，andallthewomeninthehousecomeroundme，andifithadbeenSixteentwoinsteadofTwosixteen，Ishouldhavethoughtmyselfwelloutofit。Forwhatcanyoudowhentheydocomeroundyou？
SoIpaidthemoney——down——andsuchalaughingastherewasamong’em！ButIturnedthetableson’emregularly，whenIsaid：
\"Myfamily-nameisBlue-Beard。I’mgoingtoopenSomebody’sLuggageallaloneintheSecretChamber，andnotafemaleeyecatchessightofthecontents！\"
WhetherIthoughtpropertohavethefirmnesstokeeptothis，don’tsignify，orwhetheranyfemaleeye，andifany，howmany，wasreallypresentwhentheopeningoftheLuggagecameoff。Somebody’sLuggageisthequestionatpresent：Nobody’seyes，noryetnoses。
WhatIstilllookatmost，inconnectionwiththatLuggage，istheextraordinaryquantityofwriting-paper，andallwrittenon！Andnotourpaperneither，——notthepaperchargedinthebill，forweknowourpaper，——sohemusthavebeenalwaysatit。Andhehadcrumpledupthiswritingofhis，everywhere，ineverypartandparcelofhisluggage。Therewaswritinginhisdressing-case，writinginhisboots，writingamonghisshaving-tackle，writinginhishat-box，writingfoldedawaydownamongtheverywhalebonesofhisumbrella。
Hisclotheswasn’tbad，whattherewasof’em。Hisdressing-casewaspoor，——notaparticleofsilverstopper，——bottleapertureswithnothingin’em，likeemptylittledog-kennels，——andamostsearchingdescriptionoftooth-powderdiffusingitselfaround，asunderadeludedmistakethatallthechinksinthefittingswasdivisionsinteeth。HisclothesIpartedwith，wellenough，toasecond-handdealernotfarfromSt。Clement’sDanes，intheStrand，——himastheofficersintheArmymostlydisposeoftheiruniformsto，whenhardpressedwithdebtsofhonour，ifImayjudgefromtheircoatsandepauletsdiversifyingthewindowwiththeirbackstowardsthepublic。Thesamepartyboughtinonelottheportmanteau，thebag，thedesk，thedressing-case，thehat-box，theumbrella，strap，andwalking-stick。OnmyremarkingthatIshouldhavethoughtthosearticlesnotquiteinhisline，hesaid：\"Nomoreithaman’thgrandmother，MithterChrithtopher；butifanymanwillbringhithgrandmotherhere，andofferheratafairtriflebelowwhatthe’llfethwithgoodluckwhenthe’ththcouredandturned——I’llbuyher！\"
Thesetransactionsbroughtmehome，and，indeed，morethanhome，fortheyleftagoodishprofitontheoriginalinvestment。Andnowthereremainedthewritings；andthewritingsIparticularwishtobringunderthecandidattentionofthereader。
Iwishtodosowithoutpostponement，forthisreason。Thatistosay，namely，viz。i。e。，asfollows，thus：-BeforeIproceedtorecountthementalsufferingsofwhichIbecamethepreyinconsequenceofthewritings，andbeforefollowingupthatharrowingtalewithastatementofthewonderfulandimpressivecatastrophe，asthrillinginitsnatureasunlookedforinanyothercapacity，whichcrownedtheoleandfilledthecupofunexpectednesstooverflowing，thewritingsthemselvesoughttostandforthtoview。
Thereforeitisthattheynowcomenext。Onewordtointroducethem，andIlaydownmypen（Ihope，myunassumingpen）untilItakeituptotracethegloomysequelofamindwithsomethingonit。
Hewasasmearywriter，andwroteadreadfulbadhand。Utterlyregardlessofink，helavisheditoneveryundeservingobject——onhisclothes，hisdesk，hishat，thehandleofhistooth-brush，hisumbrella。Inkwasfoundfreelyonthecoffee-roomcarpetbyNo。4
table，andtwoblotswasonhisrestlesscouch。AreferencetothedocumentIhavegivenentirewillshowthatonthemorningofthethirdofFebruary，eighteenfifty-six，heprocuredhisnolessthanfifthpenandpaper。Towhateverdeplorableactofungovernablecompositionheimmolatedthosematerialsobtainedfromthebar，thereisnodoubtthatthefataldeedwascommittedinbed，andthatitleftitsevidencesbuttooplainly，longafterwards，uponthepillow-case。
HehadputnoHeadingtoanyofhiswritings。Alas！WashelikelytohaveaHeadingwithoutaHead，andwherewasHISHeadwhenhetooksuchthingsintoit？Insomecases，suchashisBoots，hewouldappeartohavehidthewritings；therebyinvolvinghisstyleingreaterobscurity。ButhisBootswasatleastpairs，——andnotwoofhiswritingscanputinanyclaimtobesoregarded。Herefollows（nottogivemorespecimens）whatwasfoundinCHAPTERII——HISBOOTS
\"Eh！wellthen，MonsieurMutuel！WhatdoIknow，whatcanIsay？I
assureyouthathecallshimselfMonsieurTheEnglishman。\"
\"Pardon。ButIthinkitisimpossible，\"saidMonsieurMutuel，——aspectacled，snuffy，stoopingoldgentlemanincarpetshoesandaclothcapwithapeakedshade，aloosebluefrock-coatreachingtohisheels，alargelimpwhiteshirt-frill，andcravattocorrespond，——thatistosay，whitewasthenaturalcolourofhislinenonSundays，butittoneddownwiththeweek。
\"Itis，\"repeatedMonsieurMutuel，hisamiableoldwalnut-shellcountenanceverywalnut-shellyindeedashesmiledandblinkedinthebrightmorningsunlight，——\"itis，mycherishedMadameBouclet，I
think，impossible！\"
\"Hey！\"（withalittlevexedcryandagreatmanytossesofherhead。）\"ButitisnotimpossiblethatyouareaPig！\"retortedMadameBouclet，acompactlittlewomanofthirty-fiveorso。\"Seethen，——lookthere，——read！’OnthesecondfloorMonsieurL’Anglais。’
Isitnotso？\"
\"Itisso，\"saidMonsieurMutuel。
\"Good。Continueyourmorningwalk。Getout！\"MadameBoucletdismissedhimwithalivelysnapofherfingers。
ThemorningwalkofMonsieurMutuelwasinthebrightestpatchthatthesunmadeintheGrandePlaceofadulloldfortifiedFrenchtown。Themannerofhismorningwalkwaswithhishandscrossedbehindhim；anumbrella，infiguretheexpressimageofhimself，alwaysinonehand；asnuffboxintheother。Thus，withtheshufflinggaitoftheElephant（whoreallydoesdealwiththeveryworsttrousers-makeremployedbytheZoologicalworld，andwhoappearedtohaverecommendedhimtoMonsieurMutuel），theoldgentlemansunnedhimselfdailywhensunwastobehad——ofcourse，atthesametimesunningaredribbonathisbutton-hole；forwashenotanancientFrenchman？
Beingtoldbyoneoftheangelicsextocontinuehismorningwalkandgetout，MonsieurMutuellaughedawalnut-shelllaugh，pulledoffhiscapatarm’slengthwiththehandthatcontainedhissnuffbox，keptitoffforaconsiderableperiodafterhehadpartedfromMadameBouclet，andcontinuedhismorningwalkandgotout，likeamanofgallantryashewas。
ThedocumentaryevidencetowhichMadameBouclethadreferredMonsieurMutuelwasthelistofherlodgers，sweetlywrittenforthbyherownNephewandBookkeeper，whoheldthepenofanAngel，andpostedupatthesideofhergateway，fortheinformationofthePolice：\"Ausecond，M。L’Anglais，Proprietaire。\"Onthesecondfloor，Mr。TheEnglishman，manofproperty。Soitstood；nothingcouldbeplainer。
MadameBoucletnowtracedthelinewithherforefinger，asitweretoconfirmandsettleherselfinherpartingsnapatMonsieurMutuel，andsoplacingherrighthandonherhipwithadefiantair，asifnothingshouldevertempthertounsnapthatsnap，strolledoutintothePlacetoglanceupatthewindowsofMr。TheEnglishman。Thatworthyhappeningtobelookingoutofwindowatthemoment，MadameBoucletgavehimagracefulsalutationwithherhead，lookedtotherightandlookedtothelefttoaccounttohimforherbeingthere，consideredforamoment，likeonewhoaccountedtoherselfforsomebodyshehadexpectednotbeingthere，andreenteredherowngateway。MadameBoucletletallherhousegivingonthePlaceinfurnishedflatsorfloors，andliveduptheyardbehindincompanywithMonsieurBoucletherhusband（greatatbilliards），aninheritedbrewingbusiness，severalfowls，twocarts，anephew，alittledoginabigkennel，agrape-vine，acounting-
house，fourhorses，amarriedsister（withashareinthebrewingbusiness），thehusbandandtwochildrenofthemarriedsister，aparrot，adrum（performedonbythelittleboyofthemarriedsister），twobilletedsoldiers，aquantityofpigeons，afife（playedbythenephewinaravishingmanner），severaldomesticsandsupernumeraries，aperpetualflavourofcoffeeandsoup，aterrificrangeofartificialrocksandwoodenprecipicesatleastfourfeethigh，asmallfountain，andhalf-a-dozenlargesunflowers。
NowtheEnglishman，intakinghisAppartement，——or，asonemightsayonoursideoftheChannel，hissetofchambers，——hadgivenhisname，correcttotheletter，LANGLEY。ButashehadaBritishwayofnotopeninghismouthverywideonforeignsoil，exceptatmeals，theBreweryhadbeenabletomakenothingofitbutL’Anglais。SoMr。TheEnglishmanhehadbecomeandheremained。
\"Neversawsuchapeople！\"mutteredMr。TheEnglishman，ashenowlookedoutofwindow。\"Neverdid，inmylife！\"
Thiswastrueenough，forhehadneverbeforebeenoutofhisowncountry，——arightlittleisland，atightlittleisland，abrightlittleisland，ashow-fightlittleisland，andfullofmeritofallsorts；butnotthewholeroundworld。
\"Thesechaps，\"saidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，ashiseyerolledoverthePlace，sprinkledwithmilitaryhereandthere，\"arenomorelikesoldiers——\"Nothingbeingsufficientlystrongfortheendofhissentence，heleftitunended。
Thisagain（fromthepointofviewofhisexperience）wasstrictlycorrect；forthoughtherewasagreatagglomerationofsoldiersinthetownandneighbouringcountry，youmighthaveheldagrandReviewandField-dayofthemeveryone，andlookedinvainamongthemallforasoldierchokingbehindhisfoolishstock，orasoldierlamedbyhisill-fittingshoes，orasoldierdeprivedoftheuseofhislimbsbystrapsandbuttons，orasoldierelaboratelyforcedtobeself-helplessinallthesmallaffairsoflife。A
swarmofbrisk，bright，active，bustling，handy，odd，skirmishingfellows，abletoturncleverlyatanything，fromasiegetosoup，fromgreatgunstoneedlesandthread，fromthebroadswordexercisetoslicinganonion，frommakingwartomakingomelets，wasallyouwouldhavefound。
Whataswarm！FromtheGreatPlaceundertheeyeofMr。TheEnglishman，whereafewawkwardsquadsfromthelastconscriptionweredoingthegoose-step——somemembersofthosesquadsstillastotheirbodies，inthechrysalispeasant-stateofBlouse，andonlymilitarybutterfliesastotheirregimentally-clothedlegs——fromtheGreatPlace，awayoutsidethefortifications，andawayformilesalongthedustyroads，soldiersswarmed。Alldaylong，uponthegrass-grownrampartsofthetown，practisingsoldierstrumpetedandbugled；alldaylong，downinanglesofdrytrenches，practisingsoldiersdrummedanddrummed。Everyforenoon，soldiersburstoutofthegreatbarracksintothesandygymnasium-groundhardby，andflewoverthewoodenhorse，andhungontoflyingropes，anddangledupside-downbetweenparallelbars，andshotthemselvesoffwoodenplatforms，——splashes，sparks，coruscations，showersofsoldiers。Ateverycornerofthetown-wall，everyguard-house，everygateway，everysentry-box，everydrawbridge，everyreedyditch，andrushydike，soldiers，soldiers，soldiers。Andthetownbeingprettywellallwall，guard-house，gateway，sentry-box，drawbridge，reedyditch，andrushydike，thetownwasprettywellallsoldiers。
Whatwouldthesleepyoldtownhavebeenwithoutthesoldiers，seeingthatevenwiththemithadsooversleptitselfastohavesleptitsechoeshoarse，itsdefensivebarsandlocksandboltsandchainsallrusty，anditsditchesstagnant！FromthedayswhenVAUBANengineeredittothatperplexingextentthattolookatitwaslikebeingknockedontheheadwithit，thestrangerbecomingstunnedandstertorousundertheshockofitsincomprehensibility，——
fromthedayswhenVAUBANmadeittheexpressincorporationofeverysubstantiveandadjectiveintheartofmilitaryengineering，andnotonlytwistedyouintoitandtwistedyououtofit，totheright，totheleft，opposite，underhere，overthere，inthedark，inthedirt，bythegateway，archway，coveredway，dryway，wetway，fosse，portcullis，drawbridge，sluice，squattower，piercedwall，andheavybattery，butlikewisetookafortifyingdiveundertheneighbouringcountry，andcametothesurfacethreeorfourmilesoff，blowingoutincomprehensiblemoundsandbatteriesamongthequietcropsofchicoryandbeet-root，——fromthosedaystothesethetownhadbeenasleep，anddustandrustandmusthadsettledonitsdrowsyArsenalsandMagazines，andgrasshadgrownupinitssilentstreets。
Onmarket-daysalone，itsGreatPlacesuddenlyleapedoutofbed。
Onmarket-days，somefriendlyenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlace，andinstantlyarosetheliveliestboothsandstalls，andsittingsandstandings，andapleasanthumofchafferingandhucksteringfrommanyhundredsoftongues，andapleasant，thoughpeculiar，blendingofcolours，——whitecaps，blueblouses，andgreenvegetables，——andatlasttheKnightdestinedfortheadventureseemedtohavecomeinearnest，andalltheVaubanoissprangupawake。Andnow，bylong，low-lyingavenuesoftrees，joltinginwhite-hoodeddonkey-cart，andondonkey-back，andintumbrilandwagon，andcartandcabriolet，andafootwithbarrowandburden，——andalongthedikesandditchesandcanals，inlittlepeak-
prowedcountryboats，——camepeasant-menandwomeninflocksandcrowds，bringingarticlesforsale。Andhereyouhadbootsandshoes，andsweetmeatsandstuffstowear，andhere（inthecoolshadeoftheTown-hall）youhadmilkandcreamandbutterandcheese，andhereyouhadfruitsandonionsandcarrots，andallthingsneedfulforyoursoup，andhereyouhadpoultryandflowersandprotestingpigs，andherenewshovels，axes，spades，andbill-
hooksforyourfarmingwork，andherehugemoundsofbread，andhereyourungroundgraininsacks，andhereyourchildren’sdolls，andherethecake-seller，announcinghiswaresbybeatandrollofdrum。
Andhark！fanfaronadeoftrumpets，andhereintotheGreatPlace，resplendentinanopencarriage，withfourgorgeously-attiredservitorsupbehind，playinghorns，drums，andcymbals，rolled\"theDaughterofaPhysician\"inmassivegoldenchainsandear-rings，andblue-featheredhat，shadedfromtheadmiringsunbytwoimmenseumbrellasofartificialroses，todispense（frommotivesofphilanthropy）thatsmallandpleasantdosewhichhadcuredsomanythousands！Toothache，earache，headache，heartache，stomach-ache，debility，nervousness，fits，fainting，fever，ague，allequallycuredbythesmallandpleasantdoseofthegreatPhysician’sgreatdaughter！Theprocesswasthis，——she，theDaughterofaPhysician，proprietressofthesuperbequipageyounowadmiredwithitsconfirmatoryblastsoftrumpet，drum，andcymbal，toldyouso：Onthefirstdayaftertakingthesmallandpleasantdose，youwouldfeelnoparticularinfluencebeyondamostharmonioussensationofindescribableandirresistiblejoy；ontheseconddayyouwouldbesoastonishinglybetterthatyouwouldthinkyourselfchangedintosomebodyelse；onthethirddayyouwouldbeentirelyfreefromdisorder，whateveritsnatureandhoweverlongyouhadhadit，andwouldseekoutthePhysician’sDaughtertothrowyourselfatherfeet，kissthehemofhergarment，andbuyasmanymoreofthesmallandpleasantdosesasbythesaleofallyourfeweffectsyoucouldobtain；butshewouldbeinaccessible，——goneforherbstothePyramidsofEgypt，——andyouwouldbe（thoughcured）reducedtodespair！ThuswouldthePhysician’sDaughterdrivehertrade（andbrisklytoo），andthuswouldthebuyingandsellingandminglingoftonguesandcolourscontinue，untilthechangingsunlight，leavingthePhysician’sDaughterintheshadowofhighroofs，admonishedhertojoltoutwestward，withadepartingeffectofgleamandglitteronthesplendidequipageandbrazenblast。AndnowtheenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlaceoncemore，anddownwentthebooths，thesittingsandstandings，andvanishedthemerchandise，andwithitthebarrows，donkeys，donkey-carts，andtumbrils，andallotherthingsonwheelsandfeet，excepttheslowscavengerswithunwieldycartsandmeagrehorsesclearinguptherubbish，assistedbythesleektownpigeons，betterplumpedoutthanonnon-marketdays。Whiletherewasyetanhourortwotowanebeforetheautumnsunset，theloitereroutsidetown-gateanddrawbridge，andposternanddouble-ditch，wouldseethelastwhite-
hoodedcartlesseningintheavenueoflengtheningshadowsoftrees，orthelastcountryboat，paddledbythelastmarket-womanonherwayhome，showingblackuponthereddening，long，low，narrowdikebetweenhimandthemill；andasthepaddle-partedscumandweedclosedovertheboat’strack，hemightbecomfortablysurethatitssluggishrestwouldbetroublednomoreuntilnextmarket-day。
AsitwasnotoneoftheGreatPlace’sdaysforgettingoutofbed，whenMr。TheEnglishmanlookeddownattheyoungsoldierspractisingthegoose-stepthere，hismindwasleftatlibertytotakeamilitaryturn。
\"Thesefellowsarebilletedeverywhereabout，\"saidhe；\"andtoseethemlightingthepeople’sfires，boilingthepeople’spots，mindingthepeople’sbabies，rockingthepeople’scradles，washingthepeople’sgreens，andmakingthemselvesgenerallyuseful，ineverysortofunmilitaryway，ismostridiculous！Neversawsuchasetoffellows，——neverdidinmylife！\"
Allperfectlytrueagain。WastherenotPrivateValentineinthatveryhouse，actingassolehousemaid，valet，cook，steward，andnurse，inthefamilyofhiscaptain，MonsieurleCapitainedelaCour，——cleaningthefloors，makingthebeds，doingthemarketing，dressingthecaptain，dressingthedinners，dressingthesalads，anddressingthebaby，allwithequalreadiness？Or，toputhimaside，hebeinginloyalattendanceonhisChief，wastherenotPrivateHyppolite，billetedatthePerfumer’stwohundredyardsoff，who，whennotonduty，volunteeredtokeepshopwhilethefairPerfumeresssteppedouttospeaktoaneighbourorso，andlaughinglysoldsoapwithhiswar-swordgirdedonhim？WastherenotEmile，billetedattheClock-maker’s，perpetuallyturningtoofanevening，withhiscoatoff，windingupthestock？WastherenotEugene，billetedattheTinman’s，cultivating，pipeinmouth，agardenfourfeetsquare，fortheTinman，inthelittlecourt，behindtheshop，andextortingthefruitsoftheearthfromthesame，onhisknees，withthesweatofhisbrow？Nottomultiplyexamples，wastherenotBaptiste，billetedonthepoorWater-carrier，atthatveryinstantsittingonthepavementinthesunlight，withhismartiallegsasunder，andoneoftheWater-carrier’ssparepailsbetweenthem，which（tothedelightandgloryoftheheartoftheWater-carriercomingacrossthePlacefromthefountain，yokedandburdened）hewaspaintingbright-greenoutsideandbright-redwithin？Or，togonofartherthantheBarber’sattheverynextdoor，wastherenotCorporalTheophile-
\"No，\"saidMr。TheEnglishman，glancingdownattheBarber’s，\"heisnotthereatpresent。There’sthechild，though。\"
AmeremiteofagirlstoodonthestepsoftheBarber’sshop，lookingacrossthePlace。Amerebaby，onemightcallher，dressedintheclosewhitelinencapwhichsmallFrenchcountrychildrenwear（likethechildreninDutchpictures），andinafrockofhomespunblue，thathadnoshapeexceptwhereitwastiedroundherlittlefatthroat。Sothat，beingnaturallyshortandroundallover，shelooked，behind，asifshehadbeencutoffathernaturalwaist，andhadhadherheadneatlyfittedonit。
\"There’sthechild，though。\"
Tojudgefromthewayinwhichthedimpledhandwasrubbingtheeyes，theeyeshadbeenclosedinanap，andwerenewlyopened。ButtheyseemedtobelookingsointentlyacrossthePlace，thattheEnglishmanlookedinthesamedirection。
\"O！\"saidhepresently。\"Ithoughtasmuch。TheCorporal’sthere。\"
TheCorporal，asmartfigureofamanofthirty，perhapsathoughtunderthemiddlesize，butveryneatlymade，——asunburntCorporalwithabrownpeakedbeard，——facedaboutatthemoment，addressingvolublewordsofinstructiontothesquadinhand。NothingwasamissorawryabouttheCorporal。AlitheandnimbleCorporal，quitecomplete，fromthesparklingdarkeyesunderhisknowinguniformcaptohissparklingwhitegaiters。TheveryimageandpresentmentofaCorporalofhiscountry’sarmy，inthelineofhisshoulders，thelineofhiswaist，thebroadestlineofhisBloomertrousers，andtheirnarrowestlineatthecalfofhisleg。
Mr。TheEnglishmanlookedon，andthechildlookedon，andtheCorporallookedon（butthelast-namedathismen），untilthedrillendedafewminutesafterwards，andthemilitarysprinklingdriedupdirectly，andwasgone。ThensaidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，\"Lookhere！ByGeorge！\"AndtheCorporal，dancingtowardstheBarber’swithhisarmswideopen，caughtupthechild，heldheroverhisheadinaflyingattitude，caughtherdownagain，kissedher，andmadeoffwithherintotheBarber’shouse。
NowMr。TheEnglishmanhadhadaquarrelwithhiserringanddisobedientanddisowneddaughter，andtherewasachildinthatcasetoo。Hadnothisdaughterbeenachild，andhadshenottakenangel-flightsabovehisheadasthischildhadflownabovetheCorporal’s？
\"He’sa\"——NationalParticipled——\"fool！\"saidtheEnglishman，andshuthiswindow。
ButthewindowsofthehouseofMemory，andthewindowsofthehouseofMercy，arenotsoeasilyclosedaswindowsofglassandwood。
Theyflyopenunexpectedly；theyrattleinthenight；theymustbenailedup。Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtriednailingthem，buthadnotdriventhenailsquitehome。Sohepassedbutadisturbedeveningandaworsenight。
Bynatureagood-temperedman？No；verylittlegentleness，confoundingthequalitywithweakness。Fierceandwrathfulwhencrossed？Very，andstupendouslyunreasonable。Moody？Exceedinglyso。Vindictive？Well；hehadhadscowlingthoughtsthathewouldformallycursehisdaughter，ashehadseenitdoneonthestage。
ButrememberingthattherealHeavenissomepacesremovedfromthemockoneinthegreatchandelieroftheTheatre，hehadgiventhatup。
Andhehadcomeabroadtoberidofhisrepudiateddaughterfortherestofhislife。Andherehewas。
Atbottom，itwasforthisreason，morethanforanyother，thatMr。
TheEnglishmantookitextremelyillthatCorporalTheophileshouldbesodevotedtolittleBebelle，thechildattheBarber’sshop。Inanunluckymomenthehadchancedtosaytohimself，\"Why，confoundthefellow，heisnotherfather！\"Therewasasharpstinginthespeechwhichranintohimsuddenly，andputhiminaworsemood。SohehadNationalParticipledtheunconsciousCorporalwithmostheartyemphasis，andhadmadeuphismindtothinknomoreaboutsuchamountebank。
ButitcametopassthattheCorporalwasnottobedismissed。IfhehadknownthemostdelicatefibresoftheEnglishman’smind，insteadofknowingnothingonearthabouthim，andifhehadbeenthemostobstinateCorporalintheGrandArmyofFrance，insteadofbeingthemostobliging，hecouldnothaveplantedhimselfwithmoredeterminedimmovabilityplumpinthemidstofalltheEnglishman’sthoughts。Notonlyso，butheseemedtobealwaysinhisview。Mr。
TheEnglishmanhadbuttolookoutofwindow，tolookupontheCorporalwithlittleBebelle。Hehadbuttogoforawalk，andtherewastheCorporalwalkingwithBebelle。Hehadbuttocomehomeagain，disgusted，andtheCorporalandBebellewereathomebeforehim。Ifhelookedoutathisbackwindowsearlyinthemorning，theCorporalwasintheBarber’sbackyard，washinganddressingandbrushingBebelle。Ifhetookrefugeathisfrontwindows，theCorporalbroughthisbreakfastoutintothePlace，andsharedittherewithBebelle。AlwaysCorporalandalwaysBebelle。
NeverCorporalwithoutBebelle。NeverBebellewithoutCorporal。
Mr。TheEnglishmanwasnotparticularlystrongintheFrenchlanguageasameansoforalcommunication，thoughhereaditverywell。Itiswithlanguagesaswithpeople，——whenyouonlyknowthembysight，youareapttomistakethem；youmustbeonspeakingtermsbeforeyoucanbesaidtohaveestablishedanacquaintance。
Forthisreason，Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtogirduphisloinsconsiderablybeforehecouldbringhimselftothepointofexchangingideaswithMadameBoucletonthesubjectofthisCorporalandthisBebelle。ButMadameBoucletlookinginapologeticallyonemorningtoremark，that，OHeaven！shewasinastateofdesolationbecausethelamp-makerhadnotsenthomethatlampconfidedtohimtorepair，butthattrulyhewasalamp-makeragainstwhomthewholeworldshriekedout，Mr。TheEnglishmanseizedtheoccasion。
\"Madame，thatbaby——\"
\"Pardon，monsieur。Thatlamp。\"
\"No，no，thatlittlegirl。\"
\"But，pardon！\"saidMadameBonclet，anglingforaclew，\"onecannotlightalittlegirl，orsendhertoberepaired？\"
\"Thelittlegirl——atthehouseofthebarber。\"
\"Ah-h-h！\"criedMadameBouclet，suddenlycatchingtheideawithherdelicatelittlelineandrod。\"LittleBebelle？Yes，yes，yes！AndherfriendtheCorporal？Yes，yes，yes，yes！Sogenteelofhim，——
isitnot？\"
\"Heisnot-？\"
\"Notatall；notatall！Heisnotoneofherrelations。Notatall！\"
\"Why，then，he——\"
\"Perfectly！\"criedMadameBouclet，\"youareright，monsieur。Itissogenteelofhim。Thelessrelation，themoregenteel。Asyousay。\"
\"Isshe-？\"
\"Thechildofthebarber？\"MadameBoucletwhiskedupherskilfullittlelineandrodagain。\"Notatall，notatall！Sheisthechildof——inaword，ofnoone。\"
\"Thewifeofthebarber，then-？\"
\"Indubitably。Asyousay。Thewifeofthebarberreceivesasmallstipendtotakecareofher。Somuchbythemonth。Eh，then！Itiswithoutdoubtverylittle，forweareallpoorhere。\"
\"Youarenotpoor，madame。\"
\"Astomylodgers，\"repliedMadameBouclet，withasmilingandagraciousbendofherhead，\"no。Astoallthingselse，so-so。\"
\"Youflatterme，madame。\"
\"Monsieur，itisyouwhoflattermeinlivinghere。\"
CertainfishygaspsonMr。TheEnglishman’spart，denotingthathewasabouttoresumehissubjectunderdifficulties，MadameBoucletobservedhimclosely，andwhiskedupherdelicatelineandrodagainwithtriumphantsuccess。
\"Ono，monsieur，certainlynot。Thewifeofthebarberisnotcrueltothepoorchild，butsheiscareless。Herhealthisdelicate，andshesitsallday，lookingoutatwindow。Consequently，whentheCorporalfirstcame，thepoorlittleBebellewasmuchneglected。\"
\"Itisacurious——\"beganMr。TheEnglishman。
\"Name？ThatBebelle？Againyouareright，monsieur。ButitisaplayfulnameforGabrielle。\"
\"AndsothechildisamerefancyoftheCorporal’s？\"saidMr。TheEnglishman，inagrufflydisparagingtoneofvoice。
\"Eh，well！\"returnedMadameBouclet，withapleadingshrug：\"onemustlovesomething。Humannatureisweak。\"
（\"Devilishweak，\"mutteredtheEnglishman，inhisownlanguage。）
\"AndtheCorporal，\"pursuedMadameBouclet，\"beingbilletedatthebarber’s，——wherehewillprobablyremainalongtime，forheisattachedtotheGeneral，——andfindingthepoorunownedchildinneedofbeingloved，andfindinghimselfinneedofloving，——why，thereyouhaveitall，yousee！\"
Mr。TheEnglishmanacceptedthisinterpretationofthematterwithanindifferentgrace，andobservedtohimself，inaninjuredmanner，whenhewasagainalone：\"Ishouldn’tminditsomuch，ifthesepeoplewerenotsucha\"——NationalParticipled——\"sentimentalpeople！\"
TherewasaCemeteryoutsidethetown，andithappenedillforthereputationoftheVaubanois，inthissentimentalconnection，thathetookawalktherethatsameafternoon。Tobesurethereweresomewonderfulthingsinit（fromtheEnglishman’spointofview），andofacertaintyinallBritainyouwouldhavefoundnothinglikeit。
Nottomentionthefancifulflourishesofheartsandcrossesinwoodandiron，thatwereplantedallovertheplace，makingitlookverylikeaFirework-ground，whereamostsplendidpyrotechnicdisplaymightbeexpectedafterdark，thereweresomanywreathsuponthegraves，embroidered，asitmightbe，\"Tomymother，\"\"Tomydaughter，\"\"Tomyfather，\"\"Tomybrother，\"\"Tomysister，\"\"Tomyfriend，\"andthosemanywreathswereinsomanystagesofelaborationanddecay，fromthewreathofyesterday，allfreshcolourandbrightbeads，tothewreathoflastyear，apoormoulderingwispofstraw！Thereweresomanylittlegardensandgrottosmadeupongraves，insomanytastes，withplantsandshellsandplasterfiguresandporcelainpitchers，andsomanyoddsandends！Thereweresomanytributesofremembrancehangingup，nottobediscriminatedbytheclosestinspectionfromlittleroundwaiters，whereonweredepictedinglowinglineseitheraladyoragentlemanwithawhitepocket-handkerchiefoutofallproportion，leaning，inastateofthemostfaultlessmourningandmostprofoundaffliction，onthemostarchitecturalandgorgeousurn！Thereweresomanysurvivingwiveswhohadputtheirnamesonthetombsoftheirdeceasedhusbands，withablankforthedateoftheirowndeparturefromthiswearyworld；andthereweresomanysurvivinghusbandswhohadrenderedthesamehomagetotheirdeceasedwives；
andoutofthenumbertheremusthavebeensomanywhohadlongagomarriedagain！Infine，therewassomuchintheplacethatwouldhaveseemedmorefripperytoastranger，savefortheconsiderationthatthelightestpaperflowerthatlayuponthepoorestheapofearthwasnevertouchedbyarudehand，butperishedthere，asacredthing！
\"NothingofthesolemnityofDeathhere，\"Mr。TheEnglishmanhadbeengoingtosay，whenthislastconsiderationtouchedhimwithamildappeal，andonthewholehewalkedoutwithoutsayingit。\"Butthesepeopleare，\"heinsisted，bywayofcompensation，whenhewaswelloutsidethegate，\"theyareso\"——Participled——\"sentimental！\"
Hiswaybacklaybythemilitarygymnasium-ground。AndtherehepassedtheCorporalgliblyinstructingyoungsoldiershowtoswingthemselvesoverrapidanddeepwatercoursesontheirwaytoGlory，bymeansofarope，andhimselfdeftlyplungingoffaplatform，andflyingahundredfeetortwo，asanencouragementtothemtobegin。
Andtherehealsopassed，perchedonacrowningeminence（probablytheCorporal’scarefulhands），thesmallBebelle，withherroundeyeswideopen，surveyingtheproceedinglikeawonderingsortofblueandwhitebird。
\"Ifthatchildwastodie，\"thiswashisreflectionasheturnedhisbackandwenthisway，——\"anditwouldalmostservethefellowrightformakingsuchafoolofhimself，——Isupposeweshouldhavehimstickingupawreathandawaiterinthatfantasticburying-ground。\"
Nevertheless，afteranotherearlymorningortwooflookingoutofwindow，hestrolleddownintothePlace，whentheCorporalandBebellewerewalkingthere，andtouchinghishattotheCorporal（animmenseachievement），wishedhimGood-day。
\"Good-day，monsieur。\"
\"Thisisaratherprettychildyouhavehere，\"saidMr。TheEnglishman，takingherchininhishand，andlookingdownintoherastonishedblueeyes。
\"Monsieur，sheisaveryprettychild，\"returnedtheCorporal，withastressonhispolitecorrectionofthephrase。
\"Andgood？\"saidtheEnglishman。
\"Andverygood。Poorlittlething！\"
\"Hah！\"TheEnglishmanstoopeddownandpattedhercheek，notwithoutawkwardness，asifheweregoingtoofarinhisconciliation。\"Andwhatisthismedalroundyourneck，mylittleone？\"
Bebellehavingnootherreplyonherlipsthanherchubbyrightfist，theCorporalofferedhisservicesasinterpreter。
\"Monsieurdemands，whatisthis，Bebelle？\"
\"ItistheHolyVirgin，\"saidBebelle。
\"Andwhogaveityou？\"askedtheEnglishman。
\"Theophile。\"
\"AndwhoisTheophile？\"
Bebellebrokeintoalaugh，laughedmerrilyandheartily，clappedherchubbyhands，andbeatherlittlefeetonthestonepavementofthePlace。
\"Hedoesn’tknowTheophile！Why，hedoesn’tknowanyone！Hedoesn’tknowanything！\"Then，sensibleofasmallsolecisminhermanners，BebelletwistedherrighthandinalegoftheCorporal’sBloomertrousers，and，layinghercheekagainsttheplace，kissedit。
\"MonsieurTheophile，Ibelieve？\"saidtheEnglishmantotheCorporal。
\"ItisI，monsieur。\"
\"Permitme。\"Mr。TheEnglishmanshookhimheartilybythehandandturnedaway。ButhetookitmightyillthatoldMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlight，uponwhomhecameasheturned，shouldpulloffhiscaptohimwithalookofpleasedapproval。Andhemuttered，inhisowntongue，ashereturnedthesalutation，\"Well，walnut-shell！AndwhatbusinessisitofYOURS？\"
Mr。TheEnglishmanwentonformanyweekspassingbutdisturbedeveningsandworsenights，andconstantlyexperiencingthatthoseaforesaidwindowsinthehousesofMemoryandMercyrattledafterdark，andthathehadveryimperfectlynailedthemup。Likewise，hewentonformanyweeksdailyimprovingtheacquaintanceoftheCorporalandBebelle。Thatistosay，hetookBebellebythechin，andtheCorporalbythehand，andofferedBebellesousandtheCorporalcigars，andevengotthelengthofchangingpipeswiththeCorporalandkissingBebelle。Buthediditallinashamefacedway，andalwaystookitextremelyillthatMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlightshouldnotewhathedid。Wheneverthatseemedtobethecase，healwaysgrowledinhisowntongue，\"Thereyouareagain，walnut-shell！Whatbusinessisitofyours？\"
Inaword，ithadbecometheoccupationofMr。TheEnglishman’slifetolookaftertheCorporalandlittleBebelle，andtoresentoldMonsieurMutuel’slookingafterHIM。Anoccupationonlyvariedbyafireinthetownonewindynight，andmuchpassingofwater-bucketsfromhandtohand（inwhichtheEnglishmanrenderedgoodservice），andmuchbeatingofdrums，——whenallofasuddentheCorporaldisappeared。
Next，allofasudden，Bebelledisappeared。
ShehadbeenvisibleafewdayslaterthantheCorporal，——sadlydeterioratedastowashingandbrushing，——butshehadnotspokenwhenaddressedbyMr。TheEnglishman，andhadlookedscaredandhadrunaway。Andnowitwouldseemthatshehadrunawayforgood。
AndtherelaytheGreatPlaceunderthewindows，bareandbarren。