THECURIOUSREPUBLICOFGONDOURANDOTHERWHIMSICALSKETCHES
NOTE：
MostofthesketchesinthisvolumeweretakenfromaseriestheauthorwroteforTheGalaxyfromMay，1870，toApril，1871。TherestappearedinTheBuffaloExpress。
TABLEOFCONTENTS
THECURIOUSREPUBLICOFGONDOUR
AMEMORY
INTRODUCTORYTO\"MEMORANDA\"。
ABOUTSMELT
ACOUPLEOFSADEXPERIENCES
DANMURPHY
THE\"TOURNAMENT\"INA。D。1870
CURIOUSRELICFORSALE
AREMINISCENCEOFTHEBACKSETTLEMENTS
AROYALCOMPLIMENT
THEAPPROACHINGEPIDEMIC
THETONE-IMPARTINGCOMMITTEE
OURPRECIOUSLUNATIC
THEEUROPEANWAR
THEWILDMANINTERVIEWED
LASTWORDSOFGREATMEN
THECURIOUSREPUBLICOFGONDOUR
AssoonasIhadlearnedtospeakthelanguagealittle，Ibecamegreatlyinterestedinthepeopleandthesystemofgovernment。
Ifoundthatthenationhadatfirsttrieduniversalsuffragepureandsimple，buthadthrownthatformasidebecausetheresultwasnotsatisfactory。Ithadseemedtodeliverallpowerintothehandsoftheignorantandnon-tax-payingclasses；andofanecessitytheresponsibleofficeswerefilledfromtheseclassesalso。
Aremedywassought。Thepeoplebelievedtheyhadfoundit；notinthedestructionofuniversalsuffrage，butintheenlargementofit。Itwasanoddidea，andingenious。Youmustunderstand，theconstitutiongaveeverymanavote；thereforethatvotewasavestedright，andcouldnotbetakenaway。Buttheconstitutiondidnotsaythatcertainindividualsmightnotbegiventwovotes，orten！Soanamendatoryclausewasinsertedinaquietway；aclausewhichauthorisedtheenlargementofthesuffrageincertaincasestobespecifiedbystatute。Toofferto\"limit\"thesuffragemighthavemadeinstanttrouble；theofferto\"enlarge\"ithadapleasantaspect。Butofcoursethenewspaperssoonbegantosuspect；andthenouttheycame！Itwasfound，however，thatforonce——andforthefirsttimeinthehistoryoftherepublic——
property，character，andintellectwereabletowieldapoliticalinfluence；foronce，money，virtue，andintelligencetookavitalandaunitedinterestinapoliticalquestion；foroncethesepowerswenttothe\"primaries\"instrongforce；foroncethebestmeninthenationwereputforwardascandidatesforthatparliamentwhosebusinessitshouldbetoenlargethesuffrage。Theweightiesthalfofthepressquicklyjoinedforceswiththenewmovement，andlefttheotherhalftorailabouttheproposed\"destructionoftheliberties\"ofthebottomlayerofsociety，thehithertogoverningclassofthecommunity。
Thevictorywascomplete。Thenewlawwasframedandpassed。Underiteverycitizen，howsoeverpoororignorant，possessedonevote，souniversalsuffragestillreigned；butifamanpossessedagoodcommon-schooleducationandnomoney，hehadtwovotes；ahigh-schooleducationgavehimfour；ifhehadpropertylikewise，tothevalueofthreethousand’sacos，’hewieldedonemorevote；foreveryfiftythousand’sacos’amanaddedtohisproperty，hewasentitledtoanothervote；auniversityeducationentitledamantoninevotes，eventhoughheownednoproperty。Therefore，learningbeingmoreprevalentandmoreeasilyacquiredthanriches，educatedmenbecameawholesomecheckuponwealthymen，sincetheycouldoutvotethem。Learninggoesusuallywithuprightness，broadviews，andhumanity；sothelearnedvoters，possessingthebalanceofpower，becamethevigilantandefficientprotectorsofthegreatlowerrankofsociety。
Andnowacuriousthingdevelopeditself——asortofemulation，whoseobjectwasvotingpower！Whereasformerlyamanwashonoredonlyaccordingtotheamountofmoneyhepossessed，hisgrandeurwasmeasurednowbythenumberofvoteshewielded。Amanwithonlyonevotewasconspicuouslyrespectfultohisneighborwhopossessedthree。Andifhewasamanabovethecommon-place，hewasasconspicuouslyenergeticinhisdeterminationtoacquirethreeforhimself。Thisspiritofemulationinvadedallranks。Votesbaseduponcapitalwerecommonlycalled\"mortal\"votes，becausetheycouldbelost；thosebaseduponlearningwerecalled\"immortal，\"becausetheywerepermanent，andbecauseoftheircustomarilyimperishablecharactertheywerenaturallymorevaluedthantheothersort。Isay\"customarily\"forthereasonthatthesevoteswerenotabsolutelyimperishable，sinceinsanitycouldsuspendthem。
Underthissystem，gamblingandspeculationalmostceasedintherepublic。Amanhonouredasthepossessorofgreatvotingpowercouldnotaffordtoriskthelossofituponadoubtfulchance。
Itwascurioustoobservethemannersandcustomswhichtheenlargementplanproduced。Walkingthestreetwithafriendonedayhedeliveredacarelessbowtoapasser-by，andthenremarkedthatthatpersonpossessedonlyonevoteandwouldprobablyneverearnanother；hewasmorerespectfultothenextacquaintancehemet；heexplainedthatthissalutewasafour-votebow。Itriedto\"average\"theimportanceofthepeopleheaccostedafterthat，bythe-natureofhisbows，butmysuccesswasonlypartial，becauseofthesomewhatgreaterhomagepaidtotheimmortalsthantothemortals。Myfriendexplained。Hesaidtherewasnolawtoregulatethisthing，exceptthatmostpowerfulofalllaws，custom。Customhadcreatedthesevaryingbows，andintimetheyhadbecomeeasyandnatural。Atthismomenthedeliveredhimselfofaveryprofoundsalute，andthensaid，\"Nowthere’samanwhobeganlifeasashoemaker’sapprentice，andwithouteducation；nowheswingstwenty-twomortalvotesandtwoimmortalones；heexpectstopassahigh-schoolexaminationthisyearandclimbacoupleofvoteshigheramongtheimmortals；mightyvaluablecitizen。\"
Byandbymyfriendmetavenerablepersonage，andnotonlymadehimamostelaboratebow，butalsotookoffhishat。Itookoffmine，too，withamysteriousawe。Iwasbeginningtobeinfected。
\"Whatgrandeeisthat？\"
\"Thatisourmostillustriousastronomer。Hehasn’tanymoney，butisfearfullylearned。Nineimmortalsishispoliticalweight！Hewouldswingahundredandfiftyvotesifoursystemwereperfect。\"
\"Isthereanyaltitudeofmeremoneyed：grandeurthatyoutakeoffyourhatto？\"
\"No。Nineimmortalvotesistheonlypowerweuncoverforthatis，incivillife。Verygreatofficialsreceivethatmarkofhomage，ofcourse。\"
Itwascommontohearpeopleadmiringlymentionmenwhohadbegunlifeonthelowerlevelsandintimeachievedgreatvoting-power。Itwasalsocommontohearyouthsplanningafutureofeversomanyvotesforthemselves。Iheardshrewdmammasspeakofcertainyoungmenasgood\"catches\"becausetheypossessedsuch-and-suchanumberofvotes。Iknewofmorethanonecasewhereanheiresswasmarriedtoayoungsterwhohadbutonevote；theargumentbeingthathewasgiftedwithsuchexcellentpartsthatintimehewouldacquireagoodvotingstrength，andperhapsinthelongrunbeabletooutvotehiswife，ifhehadluck。
Competitiveexaminationsweretheruleandinallofficialgrades。I
remarkedthatthequestionsaskedthecandidateswerewild，intricate，andoftenrequiredasortofknowledgenotneededintheofficesought。
\"Canafooloranignoramusanswerthem？\"askedthepersonIwastalkingwith。
\"Certainlynot。\"
\"Well，youwillnotfindanyfoolsorignoramusesamongourofficials。\"
Ifeltrathercornered，butmadeshifttosay：
\"Butthesequestionscoveragooddealmoregroundthanisnecessary。\"
\"Nomatter；ifcandidatescananswertheseitistolerablyfairevidencethattheycananswernearlyanyotherquestionyouchoosetoaskthem。\"
ThereweresomethingsinGondourwhichonecouldnotshuthiseyesto。
Onewas，thatignoranceandincompetencehadnoplaceinthegovernment。
Brainsandpropertymanagedthestate。Acandidateforofficemusthavemarkedability，education，andhighcharacter，orhestoodnosortofchanceofelection。Ifahod-carrierpossessedthese，hecouldsucceed；
butthemerefactthathewasahod-carriercouldnotelecthim，asinprevioustimes。
Itwasnowaverygreathonourtobeintheparliamentorinoffice；
undertheoldsystemsuchdistinctionhadonlybroughtsuspicionuponamanandmadehimahelplessmarkfornewspapercontemptandscurrility。
Officialsdidnotneedtostealnow，theirsalariesbeingvastincomparisonwiththepittancespaidinthedayswhenparliamentswerecreatedbyhod-carriers，whoviewedofficialsalariesfromahod-carryingpointofviewandcompelledthatviewtoberespectedbytheirobsequiousservants。Justicewaswiselyandrigidlyadministered；forajudge，afteroncereachinghisplacethroughthespecifiedlineofpromotions，wasapermanencyduringgoodbehaviour。Hewasnotobligedtomodifyhisjudgmentsaccordingtotheeffecttheymighthaveuponthetemperofareigningpoliticalparty。
Thecountrywasmainlygovernedbyaministrywhichwentoutwiththeadministrationthatcreatedit。Thiswasalsothecasewiththechiefsofthegreatdepartments。Minorofficialsascendedtotheirseveralpositionsthroughwell-earnedpromotions，andnotbyajumpfromgin-
millsortheneedyfamiliesandfriendsofmembersofparliament。Goodbehaviourmeasuredtheirtermsofoffice。
TheheadofthegovernmentstheGrandCaliph，waselectedforatermoftwentyyears。Iquestionedthewisdomofthis。Iwasansweredthathecoulddonoharm，sincetheministryandtheparliamentgovernedtheland，andhewasliabletoimpeachmentformisconduct。Thisgreatofficehadtwicebeenablyfilledbywomen，womenasaptlyfittedforitassomeofthesceptredqueensofhistory。Membersofthecabinet，undermanyadministrations，hadbeenwomen。
Ifoundthatthepardoningpowerwaslodgedinacourtofpardons，consistingofseveralgreatjudges。Undertheoldregime，thisimportantpowerwasvestedinasingleofficial，andheusuallytookcaretohaveageneraljaildeliveryintimeforthenextelection。
Iinquiredaboutpublicschools。Therewereplentyofthem，andoffreecollegestoo。Iinquiredaboutcompulsoryeducation。Thiswasreceivedwithasmile，andtheremark：
\"Whenaman’schildisabletomakehimselfpowerfulandhonouredaccordingtotheamountofeducationheacquires，don’tyousupposethatthatparentwillapplythecompulsionhimself？Ourfreeschoolsandfreecollegesrequirenolawtofillthem。\"
Therewasalovingprideofcountryaboutthisperson’swayofspeakingwhichannoyedme。Ihadlongbeenunusedtothesoundofitinmyown。
TheGondournationalairswereforeverdinninginmyears；thereforeI
wasgladtoleavethatcountryandcomebacktomydearnativeland，whereoneneverhearsthatsortofmusic。
AMEMORY，WhenIsaythatIneverknewmyausterefathertobeenamouredofbutonepoeminallthelonghalfcenturythathelived，personswhoknewhimwilleasilybelieveme；whenIsaythatIhavenevercomposedbutonepoeminallthelongthirdofacenturythatIhavelived，personswhoknowmewillbesincerelygrateful；andfinally，whenIsaythatthepoemwhichIcomposedwasnottheonewhichmyfatherwasenamouredof，personswhomayhaveknownusbothwillnotneedtohavethistruthshotintothemwithamountainhowitzerbeforetheycanreceiveit。MyfatherandIwerealwaysonthemostdistanttermswhenIwasaboy——asortofarmedneutralitysotospeak。Atirregularintervalsthisneutralitywasbroken，andsufferingensued；butIwillbecandidenoughtosaythatthebreakingandthesufferingwerealwaysdividedupwith，strictimpartialitybetweenus——whichistosay，myfatherdidthebreaking，andIdidthesuffering。AsageneralthingIwasabackward，cautious，unadventurousboy；butIoncejumpedoffatwo-storytable；anothertimeIgaveanelephanta\"plug\"oftobaccoandretiredwithoutwaitingforananswer；andstillanothertimeIpretendedtobetalkinginmysleep，andgotoffaportionofaverywretchedoriginalconundruminthehearingofmyfather。Letusnotpryintotheresult；itwasofnoconsequencetoanyonebutme。
ButthepoemIhavereferredtoasattractingmyfather’sattentionandachievinghisfavourwas\"Hiawatha。\"Somemanwhocourtedasuddenandawfuldeathpresentedhimanearlycopy，andIneverlostfaithinmyownsensesuntilIsawhimsitdownandgotoreadingitincoldblood——sawhimopenthebook，andheardhimreadthesefollowinglines，withthesameinflectionlessjudicialfrigiditywithwhichhealwaysreadhischargetothejury，oradministeredanoathtoawitness：
Takeyourbow，OHiawatha，Takeyourarrows，jasper-headed，Takeyourwar-club，Puggawaugun，Andyourmittens，Minjekahwan，Andyourbirchcanoeforsailing，AndtheoilofMishe-Nama。\"
Presentlymyfathertookoutofhisbreastpocketanimposing\"WarrantyDeed，\"andfixedhiseyesuponitanddroppedintomeditation。Iknewwhatitwas。ATexanladyandgentlemanhadgivenmyhalf-brother，OrrinJohnson，ahandsomepropertyinatownintheNorth，ingratitudetohimforhavingsavedtheirlivesbyanactofbrilliantheroism。
Byandbymyfatherlookedtowardsmeandsighed。Thenhesaid：
\"IfIhadsuchasonasthispoet，herewereasubjectworthierthanthetraditionsoftheseIndians。\"
\"Ifyouplease，sir，where？\"
\"Inthisdeed。\"
\"Yes——inthisverydeed，\"saidmyfather，throwingitonthetable。
\"Thereismorepoetry，moreromance，moresublimity，moresplendidimageryhiddenawayinthathomelydocumentthancouldbefoundinallthetraditionsofallthesavagesthatlive。\"
\"Indeed，sir？CouldI——couldIgetitout，sir？CouldIcomposethepoem，sir，doyouthink？\"
\"You？\"
Iwilted。
Presentlymyfather’sfacesoftenedsomewhat，andhesaid：
\"Goandtry。Butmind，curbfolly。Nopoetryattheexpenseoftruth。
Keepstrictlytothefacts。\"
IsaidIwould，andbowedmyselfout，andwentupstairs。
\"Hiawatha\"keptdroninginmyhead——andsodidmyfather’sremarksaboutthesublimityandromancehiddeninmysubject，andalsohisinjunctiontobewareofwastefulandexuberantfancy。Inoticed，justhere，thatI
hadheedlesslybroughtthedeedawaywithme；nowatthismomentcametomeoneofthoseraremoodsofdaringrecklessness，suchasIreferredtoawhileago。Withoutanotherthought，andinplaindefianceofthefactthatIknewmyfathermeantmetowritetheromanticstoryofmyhalf-
brother’sadventureandsubsequentgoodfortune，Iventuredtoheedmerelytheletterofhisremarksandignoretheirspirit。Itookthestupid\"WarrantyDeed\"itselfandchoppeditupintoHiawathianblankversewithoutalteringorleavingoutthreewords，andwithouttransposingsix。Itrequiredloadsofcouragetogodownstairsandfacemyfatherwithmyperformance。IstartedthreeorfourtimesbeforeI
finallygotmyplucktowhereitwouldstick。ButatlastIsaidIwouldgodownandreadittohimifhethrewmeoverthechurchforit。
Istooduptobegin，andhetoldmetocomecloser。Iedgedupalittle，butstillleftasmuchneutralgroundbetweenusasIthoughthewouldstand。ThenIbegan。Itwouldbeuselessformetotrytotellwhatconflictingemotionsexpressedthemselvesuponhisface，norhowtheygrewmoreandmoreintense，asIproceeded；norhowafelldarknessdescendeduponhiscountenance，andhebegantogagandswallow，andhishandsbegantoworkandtwitch，asIreeledofflineafterline，withthestrengthebbingoutofme，andmylegstremblingunderme：
THESTORYOFAGALLANTDEED
THISINDENTURE，madethetenthDayofNovember，intheyearOfourLordonethousandeightHundredsix-and-fifty，BetweenJoannaS。E。GrayAndPhilipGray，herhusband，OfSalemCityintheStateOfTexas，ofthefirstpart，AndO。B。Johnson，ofthetownOfAustin，ditto，WITNESSETH：
Thatsaidpartyoffirstpart，ForandinconsiderationOfthesumofTwentyThousandDollars，lawfulmoneyofTheU。S。ofAmericay，TotheminhandnowpaidbysaidPartyofthesecondpart，Theduereceiptwhereofishere-
Byconfessedandacknowledg-edHavingGranted，Bargained，Sold，Remised，ReleasedandAlienedandConveyed，Confirmed，andbythesepresentsdoGrantandBargain，Sell，Remise，Alien，Release，Convey，andCon-
FirmuntothesaidaforesaidPartyofthesecondpart，AndtohisheirsandassignsForeverandeverALL
ThatcertainlotorparcelofLANDsituateincityofDunkirk，CountyofChautauqua，AndlikewisefurthermoreinYorkStateBoundedanddescribed，to-wit，Asfollows，herein，namelyBEGINNINGatthedistanceofAhundredtwo-and-fortyfeet，North-half-east，north-east-bynorth，East-north-eastandnortherlyOfthenortherlylineofMulliganstreetOnthewesterlylineofBranniganstreet，AndrunningthenceduenortherlyOnBranniganstreet200feet，Thenceatrightangleswesterly，North-west-by-west-and-west-half-west，West-and-by-north，north-west-by-west，About——
Ikindofdodged，andtheboot-jackbrokethelooking-glass。IcouldhavewaitedtoseewhatbecameoftheothermissilesifIhadwantedto，butItooknointerestinsuchthings。
INTRODUCTORYTO\"MEMORANDA\"
IntakinguponmyselftheburdenofeditingadepartmentinTHEGALAXY
magazine，IhavebeenactuatedbyaconvictionthatIwasneeded，almostimperatively，inthisparticularfieldofliterature。Ihavelongfeltthatwhilethemagazineliteratureofthedayhadmuchtorecommendit，ityetlackedstability，solidity，weight。Itseemedplaintomethattoomuchspacewasgiventopoetryandromance，andnotenoughtostatisticsandagriculture。Thisdefectitshallbemyearnestendeavourtoremedy。IfIsucceed，thesimpleconsciousnessthatIhavedoneagooddeedwillbeasufficientreward。**——[**Togetherwithsalary。]
Inthisdepartmentofminethepublicmayalwaysrelyuponfindingexhaustivestatisticaltablesconcerningthefinancesofthecountry，theratioofbirthsanddeaths；thepercentageofincreaseofpopulation，etc。，etc。——inaword，everythingintherealmofstatisticsthatcanmakeexistencebrightandbeautiful。
Also，inmydepartmentwillalwaysbefoundelaboratecondensationsofthePatentOfficeReports，whereinafaithfulendeavourwillatalltimesbemadetostripthenutritiousfactsbareofthateffulgenceofimaginationandsublimityofdictionwhichtoooftenmartheexcellenceofthosegreatworks。**——[**N。B。——NoothermagazineinthecountrymakesaspecialtyofthePatentOfficeReports。]
InmydepartmentwillalwaysbefoundampleexcerptsfromthoseabledissertationsuponPoliticalEconomywhichIhaveforalongtimebeencontributingtoagreatmetropolitanjournal，andwhich，forreasonsutterlyincomprehensibletome，anotherpartyhaschosentousurpthecreditofcomposing。
And，finally，Icallattentionwithpridetothefactthatinmydepartmentofthemagazinethefarmerwillalwaysfindfullmarketreports，andalsocompleteinstructionsaboutfarming，evenfromthegraftingoftheseedtotheharrowingofthematuredcrop。IshallthrowapathosintothesubjectofAgriculturethatwillsurpriseanddelighttheworld。
Suchismyprogramme；andIampersuadedthatbyadheringtoitwithfidelityIshallsucceedinmateriallychangingthecharacterofthismagazine。ThereforeIamemboldenedtoasktheassistanceandencouragementofallwhosesympathiesarewithProgressandReform。
Intheotherdepartmentsofthemagazinewillbefoundpoetry，tales，andotherfrothytrifles，andtothesethereadercanturnforrelaxationfromtimetotime，andthusguardagainstoverstrainingthepowersofhismind。
M。T。
P。S。——1。Ihavenotsoldoutofthe\"BuffaloExpress，\"andshallnot；
neithershallIstopwritingforit。Thisremarkseemsnecessaryinabusinesspointofview。
2。TheseMEMORANDAarenota\"humorous\"department。Iwouldnotconductanexclusivelyandprofessedlyhumorousdepartmentforanyone。Iwouldalwaysprefertohavetheprivilegeofprintingaseriousandsensibleremark，incaseoneoccurredtome，withoutthereader’sfeelingobligedtoconsiderhimselfoutraged。Wecannotkeepthesamemooddayafterday。Iamliable，someday，towanttoprintmyopiniononjurisprudence，orHomericpoetry，orinternationallaw，andIshalldoit。Itwillbeofsmallconsequencetomewhetherthereadersurviveornot。Ishallnevergostrainingafterjokeswheninacheerlessmood，solongastheunhackneyedsubjectofinternationallawisopentome。
Iwillleaveallthatstrainingtopeoplewhoeditprofessedlyandinexorably\"humorous\"departmentsandpublications。
3。IhavechosenthegeneraltitleofMEMORANDAforthisdepartmentbecauseitisplainandsimple，andmakesnofraudulentpromises。Icanprintunderitstatistics，hotelarrivals，oranythingthatcomeshandy，withoutviolatingfaithwiththereader。
4。Punscannotbeallowedaplaceinthisdepartment。Inoffensiveignorance，benignantstupidity，andunostentatiousimbecilitywillalwaysbewelcomedandcheerfullyaccordedacorner，andeventhefeeblesthumourwillbeadmitted，whenwecandonobetter；butnocircumstances，howeverdismal，willeverbeconsideredasufficientexcusefortheadmissionofthatlast——andsaddestevidenceofintellectualpoverty，thePun。
ABOUTSMELLS
Inarecentissueofthe\"Independent，\"theRev。T。DeWittTalmage，ofBrooklyn，hasthefollowingutteranceonthesubjectof\"Smells\"：
IhaveagoodChristianfriendwho，ifhesatinthefrontpewinchurch，andaworkingmanshouldenterthedoorattheotherend，wouldsmellhiminstantly。Myfriendisnottoblameforthesensitivenessofhisnose，anymorethanyouwouldflogapointerforbeingkeeneronthescentthanastupidwatchdog。Thefactis，ifyou，hadallthechurchesfree，byreasonofthemixingupofthecommonpeoplewiththeuncommon，youwouldkeepone-halfofChristendomsickattheirstomach。Ifyouaregoingtokillthechurchthuswithbadsmells，Iwillhavenothingtodowiththisworkofevangelization。
Wehavereasontobelievethattherewillbelabouringmeninheaven；andalsoanumberofnegroes，andEsquimaux，andTerradelFuegans，andArabs，andafewIndians，andpossiblyevensomeSpaniardsandPortuguese。AllthingsarepossiblewithGod。Weshallhaveallthesesortsofpeopleinheaven；but，alas！ingettingthemweshalllosethesocietyofDr。Talmage。Whichistosay，weshalllosethecompanyofonewhocouldgivemorereal\"tone\"tocelestialsocietythananyothercontributionBrooklyncouldfurnish。AndwhatwouldeternalhappinessbewithouttheDoctor？Blissful，unquestionably——weknowthatwellenoughbutwoulditbe’distingue，’woulditbe’recherche’withouthim？St。
Matthewwithoutstockingsorsandals；St。Jeromebareheaded，andwithacoarsebrownblanketrobedraggingtheground；St。Sebastianwithscarcelyanyraimentatall——theseweshouldsee，andshouldenjoyseeingthem；butwouldwenotmissaspike-tailedcoatandkids，andturnawayregretfully，andsaytopartiesfromtheOrient：\"Thesearewellenough，butyououghttoseeTalmageofBrooklyn。\"IfearmethatinthebetterworldweshallnotevenhaveDr。Talmage’s\"goodChristianfriend。\"
ForifheweresittingunderthegloryoftheThrone，andthekeeperofthekeysadmittedaBenjaminFranklinorotherlabouringman，that\"friend，\"withhisfinenaturalpowersinfinitelyaugmentedbyemancipationfromhamperingflesh，woulddetecthimwithasinglesniff，andimmediatelytakehishatandasktobeexcused。
Toalloutwardseeming，theRev。T。DeWittTalmageisofthesamematerialasthatusedintheconstructionofhisearlypredecessorsintheministry；andyetonefeelsthattheremustbeadifferencesomewherebetweenhimandtheSaviour’sfirstdisciples。Itmaybebecausehere，inthenineteenthcentury，Dr。T。hashadadvantageswhichPaulandPeterandtheotherscouldnotanddidnothave。Therewasalackofpolishaboutthem，andaloosenessofetiquette，andawantofexclusiveness，whichonecannothelpnoticing。Theyhealedtheverybeggars，andheldintercoursewithpeopleofavillainousodoureveryday。IfthesubjectoftheseremarkshadbeenchosenamongtheoriginalTwelveApostles，hewouldnothaveassociatedwiththerest，becausehecouldnothavestoodthefishysmellofsomeofhiscomradeswhocamefromaroundtheSeaofGalilee。Hewouldhaveresignedhiscommissionwithsomesuchremarkashemakesintheextractquotedabove：\"Master，ifthouartgoingtokillthechurchthuswithbadsmells，Iwillhavenothingtodowiththisworkofevangelization。\"Heisadisciple，andmakesthatremarktotheMaster；theonlydifferenceis，thathemakesitinthenineteenthinsteadofthefirstcentury。
IsthereachoirinMr。T。’schurch？Anddoesiteveroccurthattheyhavenobettermannersthantosingthathymnwhichissosuggestiveoflabourersandmechanics：
\"SonoftheCarpenter！receiveThishumbleworkofmine？\"
Now，canitbepossiblethatinahandfulofcenturiestheChristiancharacterhasfallenawayfromanimposingheroismthatscornedeventhestake，thecross，andtheaxe，toapoorlittleeffeminacythatwithersandwiltsunderanunsavourysmell？Wearenotpreparedtobelieveso，thereverendDoctorandhisfriendtothecontrarynotwithstanding。
ACOUPLEOFSADEXPERIENCES
WhenIpublishedasquibrecentlyinwhichIsaidIwasgoingtoeditanAgriculturalDepartmentinthismagazine，Icertainlydidnotdesiretodeceiveanybody。Ihadnottheremotestdesiretoplayuponanyone’sconfidencewithapracticaljoke，forheisapitifulcreatureindeedwhowilldegradethedignityofhishumanitytothecontrivingofthewitlessinventionsthatgobythatname。Ipurposelywrotethethingasabsurdlyandasextravagantlyasitcouldbewritten，inordertobesureandnotmisleadhurriedorheedlessreaders：forIspokeoflaunchingatriumphalbargeuponadesert，andplantingatreeofprosperityinamine——atreewhosefragranceshouldslakethethirstofthenaked，andwhosebranchesshouldspreadabroadtilltheywashedthechoreaof，etc。，etc。I
thoughtthatmanifestlunacylikethatwouldprotectthereader。Buttomakeassuranceabsolute，andshowthatIdidnotandcouldnotseriouslymeantoattemptanAgriculturalDepartment，IstateddistinctlyinmypostscriptthatIdidnotknowanythingaboutAgriculture。Butalas！
rightthereiswhereImademyworstmistake——forthatremarkseemstohaverecommendedmyproposedAgriculturemorethananythingelse。Itletsalittlelightinonme，andIfancyIperceivethatthefarmersfeelalittlebored，sometimes，bytheoracularprofundityofagriculturaleditorswho\"knowitall。\"Infact，oneofmycorrespondentssuggeststhis（forthatunhappysquibhasdelugedmewithlettersaboutpotatoes，andcabbages，andhominy，andvermicelli，andmaccaroni，andalltheotherfruits，cereals，andvegetablesthatevergrewonearth；andifIgetdoneansweringquestionsaboutthebestwayofraisingthesethingsbeforeIgoravingcrazy，Ishallbethankful，andshallneverwriteobscurelyforfunanymore）。
ShallItelltherealreasonwhyIhaveunintentionallysucceededinfoolingsomanypeople？ItisbecausesomeofthemonlyreadalittleofthesquibIwroteandjumpedtotheconclusionthatitwasserious，andtherestdidnotreaditatall，butheardofmyagriculturalventureatsecond-hand。ThosecasesIcouldnotguardagainst，ofcourse。Towriteaburlesquesowildthatitspretendedfactswillnotbeacceptedinperfectgoodfaithbysomebody，is，verynearlyanimpossiblethingtodo。Itisbecause，insomeinstances，thereaderisapersonwhonevertriestodeceiveanybodyhimself，andthereforeisnotexpectinganyonetowantonlypractiseadeceptionuponhim；andinthiscasetheonlypersondishonouredisthemanwhowrotetheburlesque。Inotherinstancesthe\"nub\"ormoraloftheburlesque——ifitsobjectbetoenforceatruth——escapesnoticeinthesuperiorglareofsomethinginthebodyoftheburlesqueitself。Andveryoftenthis\"moral\"istaggedonatthebottom，andthereader，notknowingthatitisthekeyofthewholethingandtheonlyimportantparagraphinthearticle，tranquillyturnsuphisnoseatitandleavesitunread。Onecandeliverasatirewithtellingforcethroughtheinsidiousmediumofatravesty，ifheiscarefulnottooverwhelmthesatirewiththeextraneousinterestofthetravesty，andsoburyitfromthereader’ssightandleavehimajokedanddefraudedvictim，whenthehonestintentwastoaddtoeitherhisknowledgeorhiswisdom。Ihavehadadealofexperienceinburlesquesandtheirunfortunateaptnesstodeceivethepublic，andthisiswhyI
triedhardtomakethatagriculturalonesobroadandsoperfectlypalpablethatevenaone-eyedpotatocouldseeit；andyet，asIspeakthesolemntruth，itfooledoneoftheablestagriculturaleditorsinAmerica！
DANMURPHY
Oneofthesaddestthingsthatevercameundermynotice（saidthebanker’sclerk）wasthereinCorning，duringthewar。DanMurphyenlistedasaprivate，andfoughtverybravely。Theboysalllikedhim，andwhenawoundbyandbyweakenedhimdowntillcarryingamusketwastooheavyworkforhim，theyclubbedtogetherandfixedhimupasasutler。Hemademoneythen，andsentitalwaystohiswifetobankforhim。Shewasawasherandironer，andknewenoughbyhardexperiencetokeepmoneywhenshegotit。Shedidn’twasteapenny。Onthecontrary，shebegantogetmiserlyasherbankaccountgrew。Shegrievedtopartwithacent，poorcreature，fortwiceinherhard-workinglifeshehadknownwhatitwastobehungry，cold，friendless，sick，andwithoutadollarintheworld，andshehadahauntingdreadofsufferingsoagain。
Well，atlastDandied；andtheboys，intestimonyoftheiresteemandrespectforhim，telegraphedtoMrs。Murphytoknowifshewouldliketohavehimembalmedandsenthome，whenyouknowtheusualcustomwastodumpapoordevillikehimintoashallowhole，andtheninformhisfriendswhathadbecomeofhim。Mrs。Murphyjumpedtotheconclusionthatitwouldonlycosttwoorthreedollarstoembalmherdeadhusband，andsoshetelegraphed\"Yes。\"Itwasatthe\"wake\"thatthebillforembalmingarrivedandwaspresentedtothewidow。Sheutteredawild，sadwail，thatpiercedeveryheart，andsaid：\"Sivinty-foivedollarsforstoofhn’Dan，blistertheirsowls！DidthimdivilssupposeIwasgoin’
tostairtaMuseim，thatI’dbedalin’insuchexpinsivecuriassities！\"
Thebanker’sclerksaidtherewasnotadryeyeinthehouse。
THE\"TOURNAMENT\"INA。D。1870
Latelythereappearedanitemtothiseffect，andthesamewentthecustomaryuniversalroundofthepress：
AtelegraphstationhasjustbeenestablisheduponthetraditionalsiteoftheGardenofEden。
Asacompaniontothat，nothingfitssoaptlyandsoperfectlyasthis：
BrooklynhasrevivedtheknightlytournamentoftheMiddleAges。
Itishardtotellwhichisthemoststartling，theideaofthathighestachievementofhumangeniusandintelligence，thetelegraph，pratingawayaboutthepracticalconcernsoftheworld’sdailylifeintheheartandhomeofancientindolence，ignorance，andsavagery，ortheideaofthathappiestexpressionofthebrag，vanity，andmock-heroicsofourancestors，the\"tournament，\"comingoutofitsgravetoflauntitstinseltrumperyandperformits\"chivalrous\"absurditiesinthehighnoonofthenineteenthcentury，andunderthepatronageofagreat，broad-awakecityandanadvancedcivilisation。
A\"tournament\"inLynchburgisathingeasilywithinthecomprehensionoftheaveragemind；butnocommonlygiftedpersoncanconceiveofsuchaspectacleinBrooklynwithoutstraininghispowers。BrooklynispartandparcelofthecityofNewYork，andthereishardlyromanceenoughintheentiremetropolistore-supplyaVirginia\"knight\"with\"chivalry，\"incasehehappenedtorunoutofit。Letthereadercalmlyanddispassionatelypicturetohimself\"lists\"inBrooklyn；heralds，pursuivants，pages，garterking-at-arms——inBrooklyn；themarshallingofthefantastichostsof\"chivalry\"inslasheddoublets，velvettrunks，ruffles，andplumes——inBrooklyn；mountedonomnibusandlivery-stablepatriarchs，promoted，andreferredtoincoldbloodas\"steeds，\"
\"destriers，\"and\"chargers，\"anddivestedoftheirfriendly，humblenamesthesemeekold\"Jims\"and\"Bobs\"and\"Charleys，\"andrenamed\"Mohammed，\"
\"Bucephalus，\"and\"Saladin\"——inBrooklyn；mountedthus，andarmedwithswordsandshieldsandwoodenlances，andcasedinpasteboardhauberks，morions，greaves，andgauntlets，andaddressedas\"Sir\"Smith，and\"Sir\"
Jones，andbearingsuchtitledgrandeursas\"TheDisinheritedKnight，\"
the\"KnightofShenandoah，\"the\"KnightoftheBlueRidge，\"the\"KnightofMaryland，\"andthe\"KnightoftheSecretSorrow\"——inBrooklyn；andatthetootofthehornchargingfiercelyuponahelplessringhungonapost，andproddingatitintrepidlywiththeirwoodensticks，andbyandbyskeweringitandcavortingbacktothejudges’standcoveredwithglorythisinBrooklyn；andeachnoblesuccesslikethisdulyandpromptlyannouncedbyanapplaudingtootfromtheherald’shorn，and\"thebandplayingthreebarsofanoldcircustune\"——allinBrooklyn，inbroaddaylight。Andletthereaderremember，andalsoaddtohispicture，asfollows，towit：whentheshowwasallover，thepartywhohadshedthemostbloodandoverturnedandhackedtopiecesthemostknights，oratleasthadproddedthemostmuffin-rings，wasaccordedtheancientprivilegeofnamingandcrowningtheQueenofLoveandBeauty——whichnaminghadinrealitybeendonefor，himbythe\"cut-and-dried\"process，andlonginadvance，byacommitteeofladies，butthecrowninghedidinperson，thoughsufferingfromlossofblood，andthenwastakentothecountyhospitalonashuttertohavehiswoundsdressed——thesecuriousthingsalloccurringinBrooklyn，andnolongeragothanoneortwoyesterdays。Itseemsimpossible，andyetitistrue。
Thiswasdoubtlessthefirstappearanceofthe\"tournament\"uphereamongtherolling-millsandfactories，andwillprobablybethelast。ItwillbewelltoletitretirepermanentlytotheruraldistrictsofVirginia，where，itissaid，thefinemailedandplumed，noble-natured，maiden-
rescuing，wrong-redressing，adventure-seekingknightofromanceisacceptedandbelievedinbythepeasantrywithpleasingsimplicity，whiletheyrejectwithscorntheplain，unpolishedverdictwherebyhistoryexposeshimasabraggart，aruffian，afantasticvagabond；andanignoramus。
Allromanceaside，whatshapewouldouradmirationoftheheroesofAshbydelaZouchbelikelytotake，inthispracticalage，ifthoseworthiesweretoriseupandcomehereandperformagainthechivalrousdeedsofthatfamouspassageofarms？NothingbutaNewYorkjuryandtheinsanitypleacouldsavethemfromhanging，fromtheamiableBois-
GuilbertandthepleasantFront-de-Boeufcleardowntothenamelessruffiansthatenteredtheriotwithunpicturedshieldsanddidtheirfirstmurderandacquiredtheirfirstclaimtorespectthatday。Thedoingsoftheso-called\"chivalry\"oftheMiddleAgeswereabsurdenough，evenwhentheywerebrutallyandbloodilyinearnest，andwhentheirsurroundingsofcastlesanddonjons，savagelandscapesandhalf-savagepeoples，wereinkeeping；butthosedoingsgravelyreproducedwithtinseldecorationsandmockpageantry，bybucolicgentlemenwithbroomsticklances，andwithmuffin-ringstorepresentthefoe，andallinthemidstoftherefinementanddignityofacarefully-developedmoderncivilisation，isabsurditygonecrazy。
Now，fornextexhibition，letushaveafinerepresentationofoneofthosechivalrouswholesalebutcheriesandburningsofJewishwomenandchildren，whichthecrusadingheroesofromanceusedtoindulgeinintheirEuropeanhomes，justbeforestartingtotheHolyLand，toseizeandtaketotheirprotectiontheSepulchreanddefenditfrom\"pollution。\"
CURIOUSRELICFORSALE
\"Forsale，forthebenefitoftheFundfortheReliefoftheWidowsandOrphansofDeceasedFiremen，aCuriousAncientBedouinPipe，procuredatthecityofEndorinPalestine，andbelievedtohaveoncebelongedtothejustly-renownedWitchofEndor。Partiesdesiringtoexaminethissingularrelicwithaviewtopurchasing，candosobycallinguponDanielS……119and121Williamstreet，NewYork\"
Asperadvertisementinthe\"Herald。\"Acuriousoldrelicindeed，asI
hadagoodpersonalrighttoknow。Inasingleinstantoftime，alongdrawnpanoramaofsightsandscenesintheHolyLandflashedthroughmymemory——townandgrove，desert，camp，andcaravanclatteringaftereachotheranddisappearing，leapingmewithalittleofthesurprisedanddizzyfeelingwhichIhaveexperiencedatsundrytimeswhenalongexpresstrainhasovertakenmeatsomequietcurveandgonewhizzing，carbycar，aroundthecornerandoutofsight。InthatprolificinstantI
sawagainallthecountryfromtheSeaofGalileeandNazarethcleartoJerusalem，andthenceoverthehillsofJudeaandthroughtheValeofSharontoJoppa，downbytheocean。Leavingoutunimportantstretchesofcountryanddetailsofincident，Isawandexperiencedthefollowing-
describedmattersandthings。Immediatelythreeyearsfellawayfrommyage，andavanishedtimewasrestoredtomeSeptember，1867。ItwasaflamingOrientalday——thisonethathadcomeupoutofthepastandbroughtalongitsactors，itsstage-properties，andsceniceffects——andourpartyhadjustriddenthroughthesqualidhiveofhumanverminwhichstillholdstheancientBiblicalnameofEndor；Iwasbringinguptherearonmygravefour-dollarsteed，whowasaboutbeginningtocomposehimselfforhisusualnoonnap。My！onlyfifteenminutesbeforehowtheblack，mangy，nine-tenthsnaked，ten-tenthsfilthy，ignorant，bigoted，besotted，hungry，lazy，malignant，screeching，crowding，struggling，wailing，begging，cursing，hatefulspawnoftheoriginalWitchhadswarmedoutofthecavesintherocksandtheholesandcrevicesintheearth，andblockedourhorses’way，besiegedus，threwthemselvesintheanimals’path，clungtotheirmanes，saddle-furniture，andtails，asking，beseeching，demanding\"bucksheesh！bucksheesh！BUCKSHEESH！\"WehadrainedsmallcopperTurkishcoinsamongthem，asfugitivesflingcoatsandhatstopursuingwolves，andthenhadspurredourwaythroughastheystoppedtoscrambleforthelargess。Iwasferventlythankfulwhenwehadgottenwelluponthedesolatehillsideandoutstrippedthemandleftthemjawingandgesticulatingintherear。Whatatempesthadseeminglygoneroaringandcrashingbymeandleftitsdullthunderspulsinginmyears！
Iwasintherear，asIwassaying。Ourpack-mulesandArabswerefarahead，andDan，Jack，Moult，Davis，Denny，Church，andBirch（thesenameswilldoaswellasanytorepresenttheboys）werefollowingcloseafterthem。Asmyhorsenoddedtorest，Iheardasortofpantingbehindme，andturnedandsawthatatawnyyouthfromthevillagehadovertakenme——atrueremnantandrepresentativeofhisancestresstheWitch——agalvanisedscurvy，wroughtintothehumanshapeandgarnishedwithophthalmiaandleprousscars——anairycreaturewithaninvisibleshirt-
frontthatreachedbelowthepitofhisstomach，andnootherclothingtospeakofexceptatobacco-pouch，anammunition-pocket，andavenerablegun，whichwaslongenoughtoclubanygamewiththatcamewithinshootingdistance，butfarfromefficientasanarticleofdress。
Ithoughttomyself，\"Nowthisdiseasewithahumanheartinitisgoingtoshootme。\"IsmiledinderisionattheideaofaBedouindaringtotouchoffhisgreat-grandfather’srustygunandgettinghisheadblownoffforhispains。Butthenitoccurredtome，insimpleschool-boylanguage，\"Supposeheshouldtakedeliberateaimand’hauloff’andfetchmewiththebutt-endofit？\"Therewaswisdominthatviewofit，andI
stoppedtoparley。Ifoundhewasonlyafriendlyvillainwhowantedatrifleofbucksheesh，andafterbeggingwhathecouldgetinthatway，wasperfectlywillingtotradeoffeverythinghehadformore。Ibelievehewouldhavepartedwithhislastshirtforbucksheeshifhehadhadone。Hewassmokingthe\"humbliest\"pipeIeversaw——adingy，funnel-
shaped，red-claything，streakedandgrimedwithoilandtearsoftobacco，andwithallthedifferentkindsofdirtthereare，andthirtypercent。ofthempeculiarandindigenoustoEndorandperdition。Andrank？Ineversmeltanythinglikeit。Itwitheredacactusthatstoodliftingitspricklyhandsaloftbesidethetrail。Itevenwokeupmyhorse。IsaidIwouldtakethat。Itcostmeafranc，aRussiankopek，abrassbutton，andaslatepencil；andmyspendthriftlavishnesssowonuponthesonofthedesertthathepassedoverhispouchofmostunspeakablyvillainoustobaccotomeasafreegift。Whatapipeitwas，tobesure！Ithadarudebrass-wirecovertoit，andalittlecoarseironchainsuspendedfromthebowl，withanironsplinterattachedtoloosenupthetobaccoandpickyourteethwith。Thestemlookedlikethehalfofaslenderwalking-stickwiththebarkon。
IfeltthatthispipehadbelongedtotheoriginalWitchofEndorassoonasIsawit；andassoonasIsmeltit，Iknewit。Moreover，IaskedtheArabcubingoodEnglishifitwasnotso，andheansweredingoodArabicthatitwas。Iwokeupmyhorseandwentmyway，smoking。AndpresentlyIsaidtomyselfreflectively，\"Ifthereisanythingthatcouldmakeamandeliberatelyassaultadyingcripple，Ireckonmaybeanunexpectedwhifffromthispipewoulddoit。\"IsmokedalongtillIfoundIwasbeginningtolie，andprojectmurder，andstealmyownthingsoutofonepocketandhidetheminanother；andthenIputupmytreasure，tookoffmyspursandputthemundermyhorse’stail，andshortlycametearingthroughourcaravanlikeahurricane。
Fromthattimeforward，goingtoJerusalem，theDeadSea，andtheJordan，Bethany，Bethlehem，andeverywhere，Iloafedcontentedlyintherearandenjoyedmyinfamouspipeandrevelledinimaginaryvillany。ButattheendoftwoweeksweturnedourfacestowardtheseaandjourneyedovertheJudeanhills，andthroughrockydefiles，andamongthescenesthatSamsonknewinhisyouth，andbyandbywetouchedlevelgroundjustatnight，andtrottedoffcheerilyovertheplainofSharon。Itwasperfectlyjollyforthreehours，andwewhitescrowdedalongtogether，closeafterthechiefArabmuleteer（allthepack-animalsandtheotherArabsweremilesintherear），andwelaughed，andchatted，andarguedhotlyaboutSamson，andwhethersuicidewasasinornot，sincePaulspeaksofSamsondistinctlyasbeingsavedandinheaven。Butbyandbythenightair，andtheduskiness，andthewearinessofeighthoursinthesaddle，begantotell，andconversationflaggedandfinallydiedoututterly。Thesqueak-squeakingofthesaddlesgrewverydistinct；
occasionallysomebodysighed，orstartedtohumatuneandgaveitup；
nowandthenahorsesneezed。Thesethingsonlyemphasisedthesolemnityandthestillness。EverybodygotsolistlessthatforonceIandmydreamerfoundourselvesinthelead。Itwasaglad，newsensation，andIlongedtokeeptheplaceforevermore。Everylittlestirinthedingycavalcadebehindmademenervous。DavisandIwereridingsidebyside，rightaftertheArab。About11o’clockithadbecomereallychilly，andthedozingboysrousedupandbegantoinquirehowfaritwastoRamlahyet，andtodemandthattheArabhurryalongfaster。Igaveitupthen，andmyheartsankwithinme，becauseofcoursetheywouldcomeuptoscoldtheArab。IknewIhadtotaketherearagain。InmysorrowI
unconsciouslytooktomypipe，myonlycomfort。AsItouchedthematchtoitthewholecompanycamelumberingupandcrowdingmyhorse’srumpandflanks。Awhiffofsmokedriftedbackovermyshoulder，and——
\"ThesufferingMoses！\"
\"Whew！\"
\"ByGeorge，whoopenedthatgraveyard？\"
\"Boys，thatArab’sbeenswallowingsomethingdead！\"
Rightawaytherewasagapbehindus。Whiffafterwhiffsailedairilyback，andeachonewidenedthebreach。Withinfifteensecondsthebarking，andgasping，andsneezing，andcoughingoftheboys，andtheirangryabuseoftheArabguide，haddwindledtoamurmur，andDavisandI
werealonewiththeleader。Davisdidnotknowwhatthematterwas，anddon’ttothisday。OccasionallyhecaughtafaintfilmofthesmokeandfelltoscoldingattheArabandwonderinghowlonghehadbeendecayinginthatway。Ourboyskeptondroppingbackfurtherandfurther，tillatlasttheywereonlyinhearing，notinsight。AndeverytimetheystartedgingerlyforwardtoreconnoitreorshoottheArab，astheyproposedtodo——Iletthemgetwithingoodfairrangeofmyrelic（shewouldcarryseventyyardswithwonderfulprecision），andthenwaftedawhiffamongthemthatsentthemgaspingandstranglingtotherearagain。
Ikeptmygunwellchargedandready，andtwicewithinthehourIdecoyedtheboysrightuptomyhorse’stail，andthenwithonemalariousblastemptiedthesaddles，almost。IneverheardanArababusedsoinmylife。
Hereallyowedhispreservationtome，becauseforoneentirehourI
stoodbetweenhimandcertaindeath。Theboyswouldhavekilledhimiftheycouldhavegotbyme。
Byandby，whenthecompanywerefarintherear，Iputawaymypipe——
Iwasgettingfearfullydryandcrispaboutthegillsandratherblownwithgooddiligentwork——andspurredmyanimatedtranceupalongsidetheArabandstoppedhimandaskedforwater。Heunslunghislittlegourd-
shapedearthenwarejug，andIputitundermymoustacheandtookalong，glorious，satisfyingdraught。Iwasgoingtoscourthemouthofthejugalittle，butIsawthatIhadbroughtthewholetraintogetheroncemorebymydelay，andthattheywereallanxioustodrinktoo-andwouldhavebeenlongagoiftheArabhadnotpretendedthathewasoutofwater。
SoIhastenedtopassthevesseltoDavis。Hetookamouthful，andneversaidaword，butclimbedoffhishorseandlaydowncalmlyintheroad。
IfeltsorryforDavis。Itwastoolatenow，though，andDanwasdrinking。Dangotdowntoo，andhuntedforasoftplace。IthoughtI
heardDansay，\"ThatArab’sfriendsoughttokeephiminalcoholorelsetakehimoutandburyhimsomewhere。\"Alltheboystookadrinkandclimbeddown。Itisnotwelltogointofurtherparticulars。Letusdrawthecurtainuponthisact……
Well，now，tothinkthatafterthreechangingyearsIshouldhearfromthatcuriousoldrelicagain，andseeDanadvertisingitforsaleforthebenefitofabenevolentobject。Danisnottreatingthatpresentright。
Igavethatpipetohimforakeepsake。However，heprobablyfindsthatitkeepsawaycustomandinterfereswithbusiness。Itisthemostconvincinginanimateobjectinallthispartoftheworld，perhaps。DanandIwereroommatesinallthatlong\"QuakerCity\"voyage，andwheneverIdesiredtohavealittleseasonofprivacyIusedtofireuponthatpipeandpersuadeDantogoout；andheseldomwaitedtochangehisclothes，either。Inaboutaquarter，orfromthattothree-quartersofaminute，bewouldbeproppingupthesmoke-stackontheupperdeckandcursing。Iwonderhowthefaithfuloldrelicisgoingtosell？
AREMINISCENCEOFTHEBACKSETTLEMENTS
Nowthatcorpse[saidtheundertaker，pattingthefoldedhandsofthedeceasedapprovinglywasabrick-everywayyoutookhimhewasabrick。
Hewassorealaccommodating，andsomodest-likeandsimpleinhislastmoments。Friendswantedmetallicburialcase——nothingelsewoulddo。
Icouldn’tgetit。Therewarn’tgoingtobetimeanybodycouldseethat。
Corpsesaidnevermind，shakehimupsomekindofaboxhecouldstretchoutincomfortable，hewarn’tparticular’boutthegeneralstyleofit。
Saidhewentmoreonroomthanstyle，anyway，inthelastfinalcontainer。Friendswantedasilverdoor-plateonthecoffin，signifyingwhohewasandwher，hewasfrom。Nowyouknowafellowcouldn’troustoutsuchagailythingasthatinalittlecountrytownlikethis。Whatdidcorpsesay？Corpsesaid，whitewashhisoldcanoeanddobhisaddressandgeneraldestinationontoitwithablackingbrushandastencilplate，longwithaversefromsomelikelyhymnorother，andpinthimforthetomb，andmarkhimC。O。D。，andjustlethimskipalong。Hewarn’tdistressedanymorethanyoube——onthecontraryjustascarmandcollectedasahearse-horse；saidhejudgedthatwher’hewasgoingto，abodywouldfinditconsiderablebettertoattractattentionbyapicturesquemoralcharacterthananattyburialcasewithaswelldoorplateonit。Splendidman，hewas。I’ddrutherdoforacorpselikethat’nanyI’vetackledinsevenyear。There’ssomesatisfactioninburyin’amanlikethat。Youfeelthatwhatyou’redoingisappreciated。
Lordblessyou，so’shegotplantedbeforehesp’iled，hewasperfectlysatisfied；saidhisrelationsmeantwell，perfectlywell，butallthempreparationswasboundtodelaythethingmoreorless，andhedidn’twishtobekeptlayin’round。Youneverseesuchaclearheadaswhathehad——andsocarmandsocool。Justahunkofbrainsthatiswhathewas。
Perfectlyawful。Itwasarippingdistancefromoneendofthatman’sheadtot’other。Oftenandoveragainhe’shadbrainfevera-raginginoneplace，andtherestofthepiledidn’tknowanythingaboutit——didn’taffectitanymorethananInjuninsurrectioninArizonaaffectstheAtlanticStates。Well，therelationstheywantedabigfuneral，butcorpsesaidhewasdownonflummery——didn’twantanyprocession——fillthehearsefullofmourners，andgetoutasternlineandtowhimbehind。
HewasthemostdownonstyleofanyremainsIeverstruck。Abeautiful，simple-mindedcreature——itwaswhathewas，youcandependonthat。Hewasjustsetonhavingthingsthewayhewantedthem，andhetookasolidcomfortinlayinghislittleplans。Hehadmemeasurehimandtakeawholeraftofdirections；thenhehadaministerstandupbehindalongboxwithatableclothoveritandreadhisfuneralsermon，saying’Angcore，angcore！’atthegoodplaces，andmakinghimscratchouteverybitofbragabouthim，andallthehifalutin；andthenhemadethemtrotoutthechoirso’shecouldhelpthempickoutthetunesfortheoccasion，andhegotthemtosing’PopGoestheWeasel，’becausehe’dalwayslikedthattunewhenhewasdownhearted，andsolemnmusicmadehimsad；andwhentheysungthatwithtearsintheireyes（becausetheyalllovedhim），andhisrelationsgrievingaround，hejustlaidthereashappyasabug，andtryingtobeattimeandshowingalloverhowmuchheenjoyedit；andpresentlyhegotworkedupandexcited；andtriedtojoinin，formindyouhewasprettyproudofhisabilitiesinthesingingline；butthefirsttimeheopenedhismouthandwasjustgoingtospreadhimself，hisbreathtookawalk。Ineverseeamansnuffedoutsosudden。Ah，itwasagreatloss——itwasapowerfullosstothispoorlittleone-horsetown。Well，well，well，Ihain’tgottimetobepalaveringalonghere——gottonailonthelidandmoseyalongwith’him；