Toad,ofcourse,wentofftobeddutifullywiththerest——heknewbetterthantorefuse——thoughhewasfeelingmuchtooexcitedtosleep。Buthehadhadalongday,withmanyeventscrowdedintoit;andsheetsandblanketswereveryfriendlyandcomfortingthings,afterplainstraw,andnottoomuchofit,spreadonthestonefloorofadraughtycell;andhisheadhadnotbeenmanysecondsonhispillowbeforehewassnoringhappily。Naturally,hedreamtagooddeal;aboutroadsthatranawayfromhimjustwhenhewantedthem,andcanalsthatchasedhimandcaughthim,andabargethatsailedintothebanqueting-hallwithhisweek’swashing,justashewasgivingadinner-party;andhewasaloneinthesecretpassage,pushingonwards,butittwistedandturnedroundandshookitself,andsatuponitsend;yetsomehow,atthelast,hefoundhimselfbackinToadHall,safeandtriumphant,withallhisfriendsgatheredroundabouthim,earnestlyassuringhimthathereallywasacleverToad。
Heslepttillalatehournextmorning,andbythetimehegotdownhefoundthattheotheranimalshadfinishedtheirbreakfastsometimebefore。TheMolehadslippedoffsomewherebyhimself,withouttellinganyonewherehewasgoingto。TheBadgersatinthearm-chair,readingthepaper,andnotconcerninghimselfintheslightestaboutwhatwasgoingtohappenthatveryevening。
TheRat,ontheotherhand,wasrunningroundtheroombusily,withhisarmsfullofweaponsofeverykind,distributingtheminfourlittleheapsonthefloor,andsayingexcitedlyunderhisbreath,asheran,`Here’s-a-sword-for-the-Rat,here’s-a-sword-
for-theMole,here’s-a-sword-for-the-Toad,here’s-a-sword-
for-the-Badger!Here’s-a-pistol-for-the-Rat,here’s-a-pistol-
for-the-Mole,here’s-a-pistol-for-the-Toad,here’s-a-pistol-for-
the-Badger!’Andsoon,inaregular,rhythmicalway,whilethefourlittleheapsgraduallygrewandgrew。
`That’sallverywell,Rat,’saidtheBadgerpresently,lookingatthebusylittleanimalovertheedgeofhisnewspaper;`I’mnotblamingyou。Butjustletusoncegetpastthestoats,withthosedetestablegunsoftheirs,andIassureyouweshan’twantanyswordsorpistols。Wefour,withoursticks,oncewe’reinsidethedining-hall,why,weshallclearthefloorofallthelotoftheminfiveminutes。I’dhavedonethewholethingbymyself,onlyIdidn’twanttodepriveyoufellowsofthefun!’
`It’saswelltobeonthesafeside,’saidtheRatreflectively,polishingapistol-barrelonhissleeveandlookingalongit。
TheToad,havingfinishedhisbreakfast,pickedupastoutstickandswungitvigorously,belabouringimaginaryanimals。`I’lllearn’emtostealmyhouse!’hecried。`I’lllearn’em,I’lllearn’em!’
`Don’tsay\"learn’em,\"Toad,’saidtheRat,greatlyshocked。
`It’snotgoodEnglish。’
`WhatareyoualwaysnaggingatToadfor?’inquiredtheBadger,ratherpeevishly。`What’sthematterwithhisEnglish?It’sthesamewhatIusemyself,andifit’sgoodenoughforme,itoughttobegoodenoughforyou!’
`I’mverysorry,’saidtheRathumbly。`OnlyITHINKitoughttobe\"teach’em,\"not\"learn’em。\"’
`Butwedon’tWANTtoteach’em,’repliedtheBadger。`WewanttoLEARN’em——learn’em,learn’em!Andwhat’smore,we’regoingtoDOit,too!’
`Oh,verywell,haveityourownway,’saidtheRat。Hewasgettingrathermuddledaboutithimself,andpresentlyheretiredintoacorner,wherehecouldbeheardmuttering,`Learn’em,teach’em,teach’em,learn’em!’tilltheBadgertoldhimrathersharplytoleaveoff。
PresentlytheMolecametumblingintotheroom,evidentlyverypleasedwithhimself。`I’vebeenhavingsuchfun!’hebeganatonce;`I’vebeengettingariseoutofthestoats!’
`Ihopeyou’vebeenverycareful,Mole?’saidtheRatanxiously。
`Ishouldhopeso,too,’saidtheMoleconfidently。`IgottheideawhenIwentintothekitchen,toseeaboutToad’sbreakfastbeingkepthotforhim。Ifoundthatoldwasherwoman-
dressthathecamehomeinyesterday,hangingonatowel-horsebeforethefire。SoIputiton,andthebonnetaswell,andtheshawl,andoffIwenttoToadHall,asboldasyouplease。Thesentrieswereonthelook-out,ofcourse,withtheirgunsandtheir\"Whocomesthere?\"andalltherestoftheirnonsense。
\"Goodmorning,gentlemen!\"saysI,veryrespectful。\"Wantanywashingdoneto-day?\"
`Theylookedatmeveryproudandstiffandhaughty,andsaid,\"Goaway,washerwoman!Wedon’tdoanywashingonduty。\"\"Oranyothertime?\"saysI。Ho,ho,ho!Wasn’tIFUNNY,Toad?’
`Poor,frivolousanimal!’saidToad,veryloftily。Thefactis,hefeltexceedinglyjealousofMoleforwhathehadjustdone。
Itwasexactlywhathewouldhavelikedtohavedonehimself,ifonlyhehadthoughtofitfirst,andhadn’tgoneandoverslepthimself。
`Someofthestoatsturnedquitepink,’continuedtheMole,`andtheSergeantincharge,hesaidtome,veryshort,hesaid,\"Nowrunaway,mygoodwoman,runaway!Don’tkeepmymenidlingandtalkingontheirposts。\"\"Runaway?\"saysI;\"itwon’tbemethat’llberunningaway,inaveryshorttimefromnow!\"’
`OMOLY,howcouldyou?’saidtheRat,dismayed。
TheBadgerlaiddownhispaper。
`Icouldseethemprickinguptheirearsandlookingateachother,’wentontheMole;`andtheSergeantsaidtothem,\"NevermindHER;shedoesn’tknowwhatshe’stalkingabout。\"’
`\"O!don’tI?\"’saidI。`\"Well,letmetellyouthis。Mydaughter,shewashesforMr。Badger,andthat’llshowyouwhetherIknowwhatI’mtalkingabout;andYOU’LLknowprettysoon,too!Ahundredbloodthirstybadgers,armedwithrifles,aregoingtoattackToadHallthisverynight,bywayofthepaddock。
SixboatloadsofRats,withpistolsandcutlasses,willcomeuptheriverandeffectalandinginthegarden;whileapickedbodyofToads,knownattheDie-hards,ortheDeath-or-GloryToads,willstormtheorchardandcarryeverythingbeforethem,yellingforvengeance。Therewon’tbemuchleftofyoutowash,bythetimethey’vedonewithyou,unlessyouclearoutwhileyouhavethechance!\"ThenIranaway,andwhenIwasoutofsightI
hid;andpresentlyIcamecreepingbackalongtheditchandtookapeepatthemthroughthehedge。Theywereallasnervousandflusteredascouldbe,runningallwaysatonce,andfallingovereachother,andeveryonegivingorderstoeverybodyelseandnotlistening;andtheSergeantkeptsendingoffpartiesofstoatstodistantpartsofthegrounds,andthensendingotherfellowstofetch’embackagain;andIheardthemsayingtoeachother,\"That’sjustliketheweasels;they’retostopcomfortablyinthebanqueting-hall,andhavefeastingandtoastsandsongsandallsortsoffun,whilewemuststayonguardinthecoldandthedark,andintheendbecuttopiecesbybloodthirstyBadgers!’\"
`Oh,yousillyass,Mole!’criedToad,`You’vebeenandspoilteverything!’
`Mole,’saidtheBadger,inhisdry,quietway,`Iperceiveyouhavemoresenseinyourlittlefingerthansomeotheranimalshaveinthewholeoftheirfatbodies。Youhavemanagedexcellently,andIbegintohavegreathopesofyou。GoodMole!
CleverMole!’
TheToadwassimplywildwithjealousy,moreespeciallyashecouldn’tmakeoutforthelifeofhimwhattheMolehaddonethatwassoparticularlyclever;but,fortunatelyforhim,beforehecouldshowtemperorexposehimselftotheBadger’ssarcasm,thebellrangforluncheon。
Itwasasimplebutsustainingmeal——baconandbroadbeans,andamacaronipudding;andwhentheyhadquitedone,theBadgersettledhimselfintoanarm-chair,andsaid,`Well,we’vegotourworkcutoutforusto-night,anditwillprobablybeprettylatebeforewe’requitethroughwithit;soI’mjustgoingtotakefortywinks,whileIcan。’Andhedrewahandkerchiefoverhisfaceandwassoonsnoring。
TheanxiousandlaboriousRatatonceresumedhispreparations,andstartedrunningbetweenhisfourlittleheaps,muttering,`Here’s-a-belt-for-the-Rat,here’s-a-belt-for-theMole,here’s-a-
belt-for-the-Toad,here’s-a-belt-for-the-Badger!’andsoon,witheveryfreshaccoutrementheproduced,towhichthereseemedreallynoend;sotheMoledrewhisarmthroughToad’s,ledhimoutintotheopenair,shovedhimintoawickerchair,andmadehimtellhimallhisadventuresfrombeginningtoend,whichToadwasonlytoowillingtodo。TheMolewasagoodlistener,andToad,withnoonetocheckhisstatementsortocriticiseinanunfriendlyspirit,ratherlethimselfgo。Indeed,muchthatherelatedbelongedmoreproperlytothecategoryofwhat-might-
have-happened-had-I-only-thought-of-it-in-time-instead-of-ten-
minutes-afterwards。Thosearealwaysthebestandtheraciestadventures;andwhyshouldtheynotbetrulyours,asmuchasthesomewhatinadequatethingsthatreallycomeoff?
XII
THERETURNOFULYSSES
Whenitbegantogrowdark,theRat,withanairofexcitementandmystery,summonedthembackintotheparlour,stoodeachofthemupalongsideofhislittleheap,andproceededtodressthemupforthecomingexpedition。Hewasveryearnestandthoroughgoingaboutit,andtheaffairtookquitealongtime。
First,therewasabelttogoroundeachanimal,andthenaswordtobestuckintoeachbelt,andthenacutlassontheothersidetobalanceit。Thenapairofpistols,apoliceman’struncheon,severalsetsofhandcuffs,somebandagesandsticking-plaster,andaflaskandasandwich-case。TheBadgerlaughedgood-
humouredlyandsaid,`Allright,Ratty!Itamusesyouanditdoesn’thurtme。I’mgoingtodoallI’vegottodowiththisherestick。’ButtheRatonlysaid,`PLEASE,Badger。
YouknowIshouldn’tlikeyoutoblamemeafterwardsandsayIhadforgottenANYTHING!’
Whenallwasquiteready,theBadgertookadarklanterninonepaw,graspedhisgreatstickwiththeother,andsaid,`Nowthen,followme!Molefirst,`cosI’mverypleasedwithhim;Ratnext;
Toadlast。Andlookhere,Toady!Don’tyouchattersomuchasusual,oryou’llbesentback,assureasfate!’
TheToadwassoanxiousnottobeleftoutthathetookuptheinferiorpositionassignedtohimwithoutamurmur,andtheanimalssetoff。TheBadgerledthemalongbytheriverforalittleway,andthensuddenlyswunghimselfovertheedgeintoaholeintheriver-bank,alittleabovethewater。TheMoleandtheRatfollowedsilently,swingingthemselvessuccessfullyintotheholeastheyhadseentheBadgerdo;butwhenitcametoToad’sturn,ofcoursehemanagedtoslipandfallintothewaterwithaloudsplashandasquealofalarm。Hewashauledoutbyhisfriends,rubbeddownandwrungouthastily,comforted,andsetonhislegs;buttheBadgerwasseriouslyangry,andtoldhimthattheverynexttimehemadeafoolofhimselfhewouldmostcertainlybeleftbehind。
Soatlasttheywereinthesecretpassage,andthecutting-outexpeditionhadreallybegun!
Itwascold,anddark,anddamp,andlow,andnarrow,andpoorToadbegantoshiver,partlyfromdreadofwhatmightbebeforehim,partlybecausehewaswetthrough。Thelanternwasfarahead,andhecouldnothelplaggingbehindalittleinthedarkness。ThenheheardtheRatcalloutwarningly,`COMEon,Toad!’andaterrorseizedhimofbeingleftbehind,aloneinthedarkness,andhe`cameon’withsucharushthatheupsettheRatintotheMoleandtheMoleintotheBadger,andforamomentallwasconfusion。TheBadgerthoughttheywerebeingattackedfrombehind,and,astherewasnoroomtouseastickoracutlass,drewapistol,andwasonthepointofputtingabulletintoToad。Whenhefoundoutwhathadreallyhappenedhewasveryangryindeed,andsaid,`NowthistimethattiresomeToadSHALLbeleftbehind!’
ButToadwhimpered,andtheothertwopromisedthattheywouldbeanswerableforhisgoodconduct,andatlasttheBadgerwaspacified,andtheprocessionmovedon;onlythistimetheRatbroughtuptherear,withafirmgripontheshoulderofToad。
Sotheygropedandshuffledalong,withtheirearsprickedupandtheirpawsontheirpistols,tillatlasttheBadgersaid,`WeoughtbynowtobeprettynearlyundertheHall。’
Thensuddenlytheyheard,farawayasitmightbe,andyetapparentlynearlyovertheirheads,aconfusedmurmurofsound,asifpeoplewereshoutingandcheeringandstampingonthefloorandhammeringontables。TheToad’snervousterrorsallreturned,buttheBadgeronlyremarkedplacidly,`TheyARE
goingit,theWeasels!’
Thepassagenowbegantoslopeupwards;theygropedonwardalittlefurther,andthenthenoisebrokeoutagain,quitedistinctthistime,andverycloseabovethem。`Ooo-ray-ooray-
oo-ray-ooray!’theyheard,andthestampingoflittlefeetonthefloor,andtheclinkingofglassesaslittlefistspoundedonthetable。`WHATatimethey’rehaving!’saidtheBadger。`Comeon!’Theyhurriedalongthepassagetillitcametoafullstop,andtheyfoundthemselvesstandingunderthetrap-doorthatledupintothebutler’spantry。
Suchatremendousnoisewasgoingoninthebanqueting-hallthattherewaslittledangeroftheirbeingoverheard。TheBadgersaid,`Now,boys,alltogether!’andthefourofthemputtheirshoulderstothetrap-doorandheaveditback。Hoistingeachotherup,theyfoundthemselvesstandinginthepantry,withonlyadoorbetweenthemandthebanqueting-hall,wheretheirunconsciousenemieswerecarousing。
Thenoise,astheyemergedfromthepassage,wassimplydeafening。Atlast,asthecheeringandhammeringslowlysubsided,avoicecouldbemadeoutsaying,`Well,Idonotproposetodetainyoumuchlonger’——(greatapplause)——`butbeforeIresumemyseat’——(renewedcheering)——`Ishouldliketosayonewordaboutourkindhost,Mr。Toad。WeallknowToad!’——(greatlaughter)——`GOODToad,MODESTToad,HONESTToad!’
(shrieksofmerriment)。
`Onlyjustletmegetathim!’mutteredToad,grindinghisteeth。
`Holdhardaminute!’saidtheBadger,restraininghimwithdifficulty。`Getready,allofyou!’
`——Letmesingyoualittlesong,’wentonthevoice,`whichI
havecomposedonthesubjectofToad’——(prolongedapplause)。
ThentheChiefWeasel——foritwashe——beganinahigh,squeakyvoice——
`Toadhewenta-pleasuringGailydownthestreet——’
TheBadgerdrewhimselfup,tookafirmgripofhisstickwithbothpaws,glancedroundathiscomrades,andcried——
`Thehouriscome!Followme!’
Andflungthedooropenwide。
My!
Whatasquealingandasqueakingandascreechingfilledtheair!
Wellmighttheterrifiedweaselsdiveunderthetablesandspringmadlyupatthewindows!Wellmighttheferretsrushwildlyforthefireplaceandgethopelesslyjammedinthechimney!Wellmighttablesandchairsbeupset,andglassandchinabesentcrashingonthefloor,inthepanicofthatterriblemomentwhenthefourHeroesstrodewrathfullyintotheroom!ThemightyBadger,hiswhiskersbristling,hisgreatcudgelwhistlingthroughtheair;Mole,blackandgrim,brandishinghisstickandshoutinghisawfulwar-cry,`AMole!AMole!’Rat;desperateanddetermined,hisbeltbulgingwithweaponsofeveryageandeveryvariety;Toad,frenziedwithexcitementandinjuredpride,swollentotwicehisordinarysize,leapingintotheairandemittingToad-whoopsthatchilledthemtothemarrow!`Toadhewenta-pleasuring!’heyelled。`I’LLpleasure’em!’andhewentstraightfortheChiefWeasel。Theywerebutfourinall,buttothepanic-strickenweaselsthehallseemedfullofmonstrousanimals,grey,black,brownandyellow,whoopingandflourishingenormouscudgels;andtheybrokeandfledwithsquealsofterroranddismay,thiswayandthat,throughthewindows,upthechimney,anywheretogetoutofreachofthoseterriblesticks。
Theaffairwassoonover。Upanddown,thewholelengthofthehall,strodethefourFriends,whackingwiththeirsticksateveryheadthatshoweditself;andinfiveminutestheroomwascleared。Throughthebrokenwindowstheshrieksofterrifiedweaselsescapingacrossthelawnwerebornefaintlytotheirears;onthefloorlayprostratesomedozenorsooftheenemy,onwhomtheMolewasbusilyengagedinfittinghandcuffs。TheBadger,restingfromhislabours,leantonhisstickandwipedhishonestbrow。
`Mole,’hesaid,’`you’rethebestoffellows!Justcutalongoutsideandlookafterthosestoat-sentriesofyours,andseewhatthey’redoing。I’veanideathat,thankstoyou,weshan’thavemuchtroublefromthemto-night!’
TheMolevanishedpromptlythroughawindow;andtheBadgerbadetheothertwosetatableonitslegsagain,pickupknivesandforksandplatesandglassesfromthedebrisonthefloor,andseeiftheycouldfindmaterialsforasupper。`Iwantsomegrub,Ido,’hesaid,inthatrathercommonwayhehadofspeaking。`Stiryourstumps,Toad,andlooklively!We’vegotyourhousebackforyou,andyoudon’tofferussomuchasasandwich。’ToadfeltratherhurtthattheBadgerdidn’tsaypleasantthingstohim,ashehadtotheMole,andtellhimwhatafinefellowhewas,andhowsplendidlyhehadfought;forhewasratherparticularlypleasedwithhimselfandthewayhehadgonefortheChiefWeaselandsenthimflyingacrossthetablewithoneblowofhisstick。Buthebustledabout,andsodidtheRat,andsoontheyfoundsomeguavajellyinaglassdish,andacoldchicken,atonguethathadhardlybeentouched,sometrifle,andquitealotoflobstersalad;andinthepantrytheycameuponabasketfulofFrenchrollsandanyquantityofcheese,butter,andcelery。TheywerejustabouttositdownwhentheMoleclamberedinthroughthewindow,chuckling,withanarmfulofrifles。
`It’sallover,’hereported。`FromwhatIcanmakeout,assoonasthestoats,whowereverynervousandjumpyalready,heardtheshrieksandtheyellsandtheuproarinsidethehall,someofthemthrewdowntheirriflesandfled。Theothersstoodfastforabit,butwhentheweaselscamerushingoutuponthemtheythoughttheywerebetrayed;andthestoatsgrappledwiththeweasels,andtheweaselsfoughttogetaway,andtheywrestledandwriggledandpunchedeachother,androlledoverandover,tillmostof’emrolledintotheriver!They’vealldisappearedbynow,onewayoranother;andI’vegottheirrifles。Sothat’sallright!’
`Excellentanddeservinganimal!’saidtheBadger,hismouthfullofchickenandtrifle。`Now,there’sjustonemorethingIwantyoutodo,Mole,beforeyousitdowntoyoursupperalongofus;
andIwouldn’ttroubleyouonlyIknowIcantrustyoutoseeathingdone,andIwishIcouldsaythesameofeveryoneIknow。
I’dsendRat,ifhewasn’tapoet。Iwantyoutotakethosefellowsonthefloorthereupstairswithyou,andhavesomebedroomscleanedoutandtidiedupandmadereallycomfortable。
SeethattheysweepUNDERthebeds,andputcleansheetsandpillow-caseson,andturndownonecornerofthebed-clothes,justasyouknowitoughttobedone;andhaveacanofhotwater,andcleantowels,andfreshcakesofsoap,putineachroom。Andthenyoucangivethemalickinga-piece,ifit’sanysatisfactiontoyou,andputthemoutbytheback-door,andweshan’tseeanymoreofTHEM,Ifancy。Andthencomealongandhavesomeofthiscoldtongue。It’sfirstrate。I’mverypleasedwithyou,Mole!’
ThegoodnaturedMolepickedupastick,formedhisprisonersupinalineonthefloor,gavethemtheorder`Quickmarch!’andledhissquadofftotheupperfloor。Afteratime,heappearedagain,smiling,andsaidthateveryroomwasready,andascleanasanewpin。`AndIdidn’thavetolickthem,either,’
headded。`Ithought,onthewhole,theyhadhadlickingenoughforonenight,andtheweasels,whenIputthepointtothem,quiteagreedwithme,andsaidtheywouldn’tthinkoftroublingme。Theywereverypenitent,andsaidtheywereextremelysorryforwhattheyhaddone。butitwasallthefaultoftheChiefWeaselandthestoats,andifevertheycoulddoanythingforusatanytimetomakeup,wehadonlygottomentionit。SoIgavethemarolla-piece,andletthemoutattheback,andofftheyran,ashardastheycould!’
ThentheMolepulledhischairuptothetable,andpitchedintothecoldtongue;andToad,likethegentlemanhewas,putallhisjealousyfromhim,andsaidheartily,`Thankyoukindly,dearMole,forallyourpainsandtroubletonight,andespeciallyforyourclevernessthismorning!’TheBadgerwaspleasedatthat,andsaid,`TherespokemybraveToad!’Sotheyfinishedtheirsupperingreatjoyandcontentment,andpresentlyretiredtorestbetweencleansheets,safeinToad’sancestralhome,wonbackbymatchlessvalour,consummatestrategy,andaproperhandlingofsticks。
Thefollowingmorning,Toad,whohadoverslepthimselfasusual,camedowntobreakfastdisgracefullylate,andfoundonthetableacertainquantityofegg-shells,somefragmentsofcoldandleatherytoast,acoffee-potthree-fourthsempty,andreallyverylittleelse;whichdidnottendtoimprovehistemper,consideringthat,afterall,itwashisownhouse。ThroughtheFrenchwindowsofthebreakfast-roomhecouldseetheMoleandtheWaterRatsittinginwicker-chairsoutonthelawn,evidentlytellingeachotherstories;roaringwithlaughterandkickingtheirshortlegsupintheair。TheBadger,whowasinanarm-
chairanddeepinthemorningpaper,merelylookedupandnoddedwhenToadenteredtheroom。ButToadknewhisman,sohesatdownandmadethebestbreakfasthecould,merelyobservingtohimselfthathewouldgetsquarewiththeotherssoonerorlater。
Whenhehadnearlyfinished,theBadgerlookedupandremarkedrathershortly:`I’msorry,Toad,butI’mafraidthere’saheavymorning’sworkinfrontofyou。Yousee,wereallyoughttohaveaBanquetatonce,tocelebratethisaffair。It’sexpectedofyou——infact,it’stherule。’
`O,allright!’saidtheToad,readily。`Anythingtooblige。
ThoughwhyonearthyoushouldwanttohaveaBanquetinthemorningIcannotunderstand。ButyouknowIdonotlivetopleasemyself,butmerelytofindoutwhatmyfriendswant,andthentryandarrangeitfor’em,youdearoldBadger!’
`Don’tpretendtobestupiderthanyoureallyare,’repliedtheBadger,crossly;`anddon’tchuckleandsplutterinyourcoffeewhileyou’retalking;it’snotmanners。WhatImeanis,theBanquetwillbeatnight,ofcourse,buttheinvitationswillhavetobewrittenandgotoffatonce,andyou’vegottowrite’em。Now,sitdownatthattable——there’sstacksofletter-paperonit,with\"ToadHall\"atthetopinblueandgold——andwriteinvitationstoallourfriends,andifyousticktoitweshallgetthemoutbeforeluncheon。AndI’LLbearahand,too;andtakemyshareoftheburden。I’LLordertheBanquet。’
`What!’criedToad,dismayed。`Mestopindoorsandwritealotofrottenlettersonajollymorninglikethis,whenIwanttogoaroundmyproperty,andseteverythingandeverybodytorights,andswaggeraboutandenjoymyself!Certainlynot!I’llbe——I’llseeyou————Stopaminute,though!Why,ofcourse,dearBadger!Whatismypleasureorconveniencecomparedwiththatofothers!Youwishitdone,anditshallbedone。Go,Badger,ordertheBanquet,orderwhatyoulike;thenjoinouryoungfriendsoutsideintheirinnocentmirth,obliviousofmeandmycaresandtoils。Isacrificethisfairmorningonthealtarofdutyandfriendship!’
TheBadgerlookedathimverysuspiciously,butToad’sfrank,opencountenancemadeitdifficulttosuggestanyunworthymotiveinthischangeofattitude。Hequittedtheroom,accordingly,inthedirectionofthekitchen,andassoonasthedoorhadclosedbehindhim,Toadhurriedtothewriting-table。Afineideahadoccurredtohimwhilehewastalking。HeWOULDwritetheinvitations;andhewouldtakecaretomentiontheleadingparthehadtakeninthefight,andhowhehadlaidtheChiefWeaselflat;andhewouldhintathisadventures,andwhatacareeroftriumphhehadtotellabout;andonthefly-leafhewouldsetoutasortofaprogrammeofentertainmentfortheevening——
somethinglikethis,ashesketcheditoutinhishead:——
SPEECH……BYTOAD。
(TherewillbeotherspeechesbyTOADduringtheevening。)
ADDRESS……BYTOAD
SYNOPSIS——OurPrisonSystem——theWaterwaysofOldEngland——Horse-
dealing,andhowtodeal——Property,itsrightsanditsduties——
BacktotheLand——ATypicalEnglishSquire。
SONG……BYTOAD。
(Composedbyhimself。)
OTHERCOMPOSITIONS。BYTOAD
willbesunginthecourseoftheeveningbythe……COMPOSER。
Theideapleasedhimmightly,andheworkedveryhardandgotallthelettersfinishedbynoon,atwhichhouritwasreportedtohimthattherewasasmallandratherbedraggledweaselatthedoor,inquiringtimidlywhetherhecouldbeofanyservicetothegentlemen。Toadswaggeredoutandfounditwasoneoftheprisonersofthepreviousevening,veryrespectfulandanxioustoplease。Hepattedhimonthehead,shovedthebundleofinvitationsintohispaw,andtoldhimtocutalongquickanddeliverthemasfastashecould,andifhelikedtocomebackagainintheevening,perhapstheremightbeashillingforhim,or,again,perhapstheremightn’t;andthepoorweaselseemedreallyquitegrateful,andhurriedoffeagerlytodohismission。
Whentheotheranimalscamebacktoluncheon,veryboisterousandbreezyafteramorningontheriver,theMole,whoseconsciencehadbeenprickinghim,lookeddoubtfullyatToad,expectingtofindhimsulkyordepressed。Instead,hewassouppishandinflatedthattheMolebegantosuspectsomething;whiletheRatandtheBadgerexchangedsignificantglances。
Assoonasthemealwasover,Toadthrusthispawsdeepintohistrouser-pockets,remarkedcasually,`Well,lookafteryourselves,youfellows!Askforanythingyouwant!’andwasswaggeringoffinthedirectionofthegarden,wherehewantedtothinkoutanideaortwoforhiscomingspeeches,whentheRatcaughthimbythearm。
Toadrathersuspectedwhathewasafter,anddidhisbesttogetaway;butwhentheBadgertookhimfirmlybytheotherarmhebegantoseethatthegamewasup。Thetwoanimalsconductedhimbetweenthemintothesmallsmoking-roomthatopenedoutoftheentrance-hall,shutthedoor,andputhimintoachair。Thentheybothstoodinfrontofhim,whileToadsatsilentandregardedthemwithmuchsuspicionandill-humour。
`Now,lookhere,Toad,’saidtheRat。`It’saboutthisBanquet,andverysorryIamtohavetospeaktoyoulikethis。Butwewantyoutounderstandclearly,onceandforall,thattherearegoingtobenospeechesandnosongs。Tryandgraspthefactthatonthisoccasionwe’renotarguingwithyou;we’rejusttellingyou。’
Toadsawthathewastrapped。Theyunderstoodhim,theysawthroughhim,theyhadgotaheadofhim。Hispleasantdreamwasshattered。
`Mayn’tIsingthemjustoneLITTLEsong?’hepleadedpiteously。
`No,notONElittlesong,’repliedtheRatfirmly,thoughhisheartbledashenoticedthetremblinglipofthepoordisappointedToad。`It’snogood,Toady;youknowwellthatyoursongsareallconceitandboastingandvanity;andyourspeechesareallself-praiseand——and——well,andgrossexaggerationand——
and————’
`Andgas,’putintheBadger,inhiscommonway。
`It’sforyourowngood,Toady,’wentontheRat。`YouknowyouMUSTturnoveranewleafsoonerorlater,andnowseemsasplendidtimetobegin;asortofturning-pointinyourcareer。
Pleasedon’tthinkthatsayingallthisdoesn’thurtmemorethanithurtsyou。’
Toadremainedalongwhileplungedinthought。Atlastheraisedhishead,andthetracesofstrongemotionwerevisibleonhisfeatures。`Youhaveconquered,myfriends,’hesaidinbrokenaccents。`Itwas,tobesure,butasmallthingthatIasked——
merelyleavetoblossomandexpandforyetonemoreevening,toletmyselfgoandhearthetumultuousapplausethatalwaysseemstome——somehow——tobringoutmybestqualities。However,youareright,Iknow,andIamwrong。HenceforthIwillbeaverydifferentToad。Myfriends,youshallneverhaveoccasiontoblushformeagain。But,Odear,Odear,thisisahardworld!’
And,pressinghishandkerchieftohisface,helefttheroom,withfalteringfootsteps。
`Badger,’saidtheRat,`_I_feellikeabrute;IwonderwhatYOUfeellike?’
`O,Iknow,Iknow,’saidtheBadgergloomily。`Butthethinghadtobedone。Thisgoodfellowhasgottolivehere,andholdhisown,andberespected。Wouldyouhavehimacommonlaughing-
stock,mockedandjeeredatbystoatsandweasels?’
`Ofcoursenot,’saidtheRat。`And,talkingofweasels,it’sluckywecameuponthatlittleweasel,justashewassettingoutwithToad’sinvitations。Isuspectedsomethingfromwhatyoutoldme,andhadalookatoneortwo;theyweresimplydisgraceful。Iconfiscatedthelot,andthegoodMoleisnowsittingintheblueboudoir,fillingupplain,simpleinvitationcards。’
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Atlastthehourforthebanquetbegantodrawnear,andToad,whoonleavingtheothershadretiredtohisbedroom,wasstillsittingthere,melancholyandthoughtful。Hisbrowrestingonhispaw,heponderedlonganddeeply。Graduallyhiscountenancecleared,andhebegantosmilelong,slowsmiles。
Thenhetooktogigglinginashy,self-consciousmanner。Atlasthegotup,lockedthedoor,drewthecurtainsacrossthewindows,collectedallthechairsintheroomandarrangedtheminasemicircle,andtookuphispositioninfrontofthem,swellingvisibly。Thenhebowed,coughedtwice,and,lettinghimselfgo,withupliftedvoicehesang,totheenrapturedaudiencethathisimaginationsoclearlysaw,TOAD’SLASTLITTLESONG!
TheToad——came——home!
Therewaspanicintheparloursandbowlinginthehalls,Therewascryinginthecow-shedsandshriekinginthestalls,WhentheToad——came——home!
WhentheToad——came——home!
Therewassmashinginofwindowandcrashinginofdoor,Therewaschivvyingofweaselsthatfaintedonthefloor,WhentheToad——came——home!
Bang!gothedrums!
Thetrumpetersaretootingandthesoldiersaresaluting,Andthecannontheyareshootingandthemotor-carsarehooting,Asthe——Hero——comes!
Shout——Hoo-ray!
Andleteachoneofthecrowdtryandshoutitveryloud,Inhonourofananimalofwhomyou’rejustlyproud,Forit’sToad’s——great——day!
Hesangthisveryloud,withgreatunctionandexpression;andwhenhehaddone,hesangitalloveragain。
Thenheheavedadeepsigh;along,long,longsigh。
Thenhedippedhishairbrushinthewater-jug,partedhishairinthemiddle,andplastereditdownverystraightandsleekoneachsideofhisface;and,unlockingthedoor,wentquietlydownthestairstogreethisguests,whoheknewmustbeassemblinginthedrawing-room。
Alltheanimalscheeredwhenheentered,andcrowdedroundtocongratulatehimandsaynicethingsabouthiscourage,andhiscleverness,andhisfightingqualities;butToadonlysmiledfaintly,andmurmured,`Notatall!’Or,sometimes,forachange,`Onthecontrary!’Otter,whowasstandingonthehearthrug,describingtoanadmiringcircleoffriendsexactlyhowhewouldhavemanagedthingshadhebeenthere,cameforwardwithashout,threwhisarmroundToad’sneck,andtriedtotakehimroundtheroomintriumphalprogress;butToad,inamildway,wasrathersnubbytohim,remarkinggently,ashedisengagedhimself,`Badger’swasthemastermind;theMoleandtheWaterRatborethebruntofthefighting;Imerelyservedintheranksanddidlittleornothing。’Theanimalswereevidentlypuzzledandtakenabackbythisunexpectedattitudeofhis;andToadfelt,ashemovedfromoneguesttotheother,makinghismodestresponses,thathewasanobjectofabsorbinginteresttoeveryone。
TheBadgerhadorderedeverythingofthebest,andthebanquetwasagreatsuccess。Therewasmuchtalkingandlaughterandchaffamongtheanimals,butthroughitallToad,whoofcoursewasinthechair,lookeddownhisnoseandmurmuredpleasantnothingstotheanimalsoneithersideofhim。AtintervalshestoleaglanceattheBadgerandtheRat,andalwayswhenhelookedtheywerestaringateachotherwiththeirmouthsopen;
andthisgavehimthegreatestsatisfaction。Someoftheyoungerandlivelieranimals,astheeveningworeon,gotwhisperingtoeachotherthatthingswerenotsoamusingastheyusedtobeinthegoodolddays;andthereweresomeknockingsonthetableandcriesof`Toad!Speech!SpeechfromToad!Song!Mr。Toad’ssong!’ButToadonlyshookhisheadgently,raisedonepawinmildprotest,and,bypressingdelicaciesonhisguests,bytopicalsmall-talk,andbyearnestinquiriesaftermembersoftheirfamiliesnotyetoldenoughtoappearatsocialfunctions,managedtoconveytothemthatthisdinnerwasbeingrunonstrictlyconventionallines。
HewasindeedanalteredToad!
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Afterthisclimax,thefouranimalscontinuedtoleadtheirlives,sorudelybrokeninuponbycivilwar,ingreatjoyandcontentment,undisturbedbyfurtherrisingsorinvasions。Toad,afterdueconsultationwithhisfriends,selectedahandsomegoldchainandlocketsetwithpearls,whichhedispatchedtothegaoler’sdaughterwithaletterthateventheBadgeradmittedtobemodest,grateful,andappreciative;andtheengine-driver,inhisturn,wasproperlythankedandcompensatedforallhispainsandtrouble。UnderseverecompulsionfromtheBadger,eventhebarge-womanwas,withsometrouble,soughtoutandthevalueofherhorsediscreetlymadegoodtoher;thoughToadkickedterriblyatthis,holdinghimselftobeaninstrumentofFate,senttopunishfatwomenwithmottledarmswhocouldn’ttellarealgentlemanwhentheysawone。Theamountinvolved,itwastrue,wasnotveryburdensome,thegipsy’svaluationbeingadmittedbylocalassessorstobeapproximatelycorrect。
Sometimes,inthecourseoflongsummerevenings,thefriendswouldtakeastrolltogetherintheWildWood,nowsuccessfullytamedsofarastheywereconcerned;anditwaspleasingtoseehowrespectfullytheyweregreetedbytheinhabitants,andhowthemother-weaselswouldbringtheiryoungonestothemouthsoftheirholes,andsay,pointing,`Look,baby!TheregoesthegreatMr。Toad!Andthat’sthegallantWaterRat,aterriblefighter,walkingalongo’him!AndyondercomesthefamousMr。Mole,ofwhomyousooftenhaveheardyourfathertell!’Butwhentheirinfantswerefractiousandquitebeyondcontrol,theywouldquietthembytellinghow,iftheydidn’thushthemandnotfretthem,theterriblegreyBadgerwouldupandgetthem。ThiswasabaselibelonBadger,who,thoughhecaredlittleaboutSociety,wasratherfondofchildren;butitneverfailedtohaveitsfulleffect。