\"Itisrathergalling，youknow，\"headded，\"whenagirlhasalotofthingsshewantstowritetoyouandcan\'tsendaletterexceptbysomeroundabout，underhandway。\"
\"Oneneverrealisesone\'sblessingswhileoneenjoysthem，\"saidClovis；\"nowIhavetospendaconsiderableamountofingenuityinventingexcusesfornothavingwrittentopeople。\"
\"It\'snotajokingmatter，\"saidBertieresentfully：\"youwouldn\'tfinditfunnyifyourmotheropenedallyourletters。\"
\"Thefunnythingtomeisthatyoushouldletherdoit。\"
\"Ican\'tstopit。I\'vearguedaboutit——\"
\"Youhaven\'tusedtherightkindofargument，Iexpect。Now，ifeverytimeoneofyourletterswasopenedyoulayonyourbackonthedining-tableduringdinnerandhadafit，orrousedtheentirefamilyinthemiddleofthenighttohearyoureciteoneofBlake\'s\'PoemsofInnocence，\'youwouldgetafarmorerespectfulhearingforfutureprotests。Peopleyieldmoreconsiderationtoamutilatedmealtimeorabrokennight\'srest，thanevertheywouldtoabrokenheart。\"
\"Oh，dryup，\"saidBertiecrossly，inconsistentlysplashingClovisfromheadtofootasheplungedintothewater。
Itwasadayortwoaftertheconversationintheswimming-baththataletteraddressedtoBertieHeasantslidintotheletter-boxathishome，andthenceintothehandsofhismother。Mrs。Heasantwasoneofthoseempty-mindedindividualstowhomotherpeople\'saffairsareperpetuallyinteresting。Themoreprivatetheyareintendedtobethemoreacuteistheinteresttheyarouse。Shewouldhaveopenedthisparticularletterinanycase；thefactthatitwasmarked\"private，\"anddiffusedadelicatebutpenetratingaromamerelycausedhertoopenitwithheadlonghasteratherthanmatter-of-
coursedeliberation。Theharvestofsensationthatrewardedherwasbeyondallexpectations。
\"Bertie，carissimo，\"itbegan，\"Iwonderifyouwillhavethenervetodoit：itwilltakesomenerve，too。Don\'tforgetthejewels。
Theyareadetail，butdetailsinterestme。
\"Yoursasever，Clotilde。\"
\"Yourmothermustnotknowofmyexistence。Ifquestionedswearyouneverheardofme。\"
ForyearsMrs。HeasanthadsearchedBertie\'scorrespondencediligentlyfortracesofpossibledissipationoryouthfulentanglements，andatlastthesuspicionsthathadstimulatedherinquisitorialzealwerejustifiedbythisonesplendidhaul。Thatanyonewearingtheexoticname\"Clotilde\"shouldwritetoBertieundertheincriminatingannouncement\"asever\"wassufficientlyelectrifying，withouttheastoundingallusiontothejewels。Mrs。
Heasantcouldrecallnovelsanddramaswhereinjewelsplayedanexcitingandcommandingrole，andhere，underherownroof，beforeherveryeyesasitwere，herownsonwascarryingonanintrigueinwhichjewelsweremerelyaninterestingdetail。Bertiewasnotduehomeforanotherhour，buthissisterswereavailablefortheimmediateunburdeningofascandal-ladenmind。
\"Bertieisinthetoilsofanadventuress，\"shescreamed；\"hernameisClotilde，\"sheadded，asifshethoughttheyhadbetterknowtheworstatonce。Thereareoccasionswhenmoreharmthangoodisdonebyshieldingyounggirlsfromaknowledgeofthemoredeplorablerealitiesoflife。
BythetimeBertiearrivedhismotherhaddiscussedeverypossibleandimprobableconjectureastohisguiltysecret；thegirlslimitedthemselvestotheopinionthattheirbrotherhadbeenweakratherthanwicked。
\"WhoisClotilde？\"wasthequestionthatconfrontedBertiealmostbeforehehadgotintothehall。Hisdenialofanyknowledgeofsuchapersonwasmetwithanoutburstofbitterlaughter。
\"Howwellyouhavelearnedyourlesson！\"exclaimedMrs。Heasant。
ButsatiregavewaytofuriousindignationwhensherealisedthatBertiedidnotintendtothrowanyfurtherlightonherdiscovery。
\"Youshan\'thaveanydinnertillyou\'veconfessedeverything，\"shestormed。
Bertie\'sreplytooktheformofhastilycollectingmaterialforanimpromptubanquetfromthelarderandlockinghimselfintohisbedroom。Hismothermadefrequentvisitstothelockeddoorandshoutedasuccessionofinterrogationswiththepersistenceofonewhothinksthatifyouaskaquestionoftenenoughananswerwilleventuallyresult。Bertiedidnothingtoencouragethesupposition。
Anhourhadpassedinfruitlessone-sidedpalaverwhenanotherletteraddressedtoBertieandmarked\"private\"madeitsappearanceintheletter-box。Mrs。Heasantpouncedonitwiththeenthusiasmofacatthathasmisseditsmouseandtowhomasecondhasbeenunexpectedlyvouchsafed。Ifshehopedforfurtherdisclosuresassuredlyshewasnotdisappointed。
\"Soyouhavereallydoneit！\"theletterabruptlycommenced；\"PoorDagmar。NowsheisdoneforIalmostpityher。Youdiditverywell，youwickedboy，theservantsallthinkitwassuicide，andtherewillbenofuss。Betternottouchthejewelstillaftertheinquest。
\"Clotilde。\"
AnythingthatMrs。Heasanthadpreviouslydoneinthewayofoutcrywaseasilysurpassedassheracedupstairsandbeatfranticallyatherson\'sdoor。
\"Miserableboy，whathaveyoudonetoDagmar？\"
\"It\'sDagmarnow，isit？\"hesnapped；\"itwillbeGeraldinenext。\"
\"Thatitshouldcometothis，afterallmyeffortstokeepyouathomeofanevening，\"sobbedMrs。Heasant；\"it\'snouseyoutryingtohidethingsfromme；Clotilde\'sletterbetrayseverything。\"
\"Doesitbetraywhosheis？\"askedBertie；\"I\'veheardsomuchabouther，Ishouldliketoknowsomethingaboutherhome-life。
Seriously，ifyougoonlikethisIshallfetchadoctor；I\'veoftenenoughbeenpreachedataboutnothing，butI\'veneverhadanimaginaryharemdraggedintothediscussion。\"
\"Aretheselettersimaginary？\"screamedMrs。Heasant；\"whataboutthejewels，andDagmar，andthetheoryofsuicide？\"
Nosolutionoftheseproblemswasforthcomingthroughthebedroomdoor，butthelastpostoftheeveningproducedanotherletterforBertie，anditscontentsbroughtMrs。Heasantthatenlightenmentwhichhadalreadydawnedonherson。
\"DearBertie，\"itran；\"IhopeIhaven\'tdistractedyourbrainwiththespooflettersI\'vebeensendinginthenameofafictitiousClotilde。Youtoldmetheotherdaythattheservants，orsomebodyatyourhome，tamperedwithyourletters，soIthoughtIwouldgiveanyonethatopenedthemsomethingexcitingtoread。Theshockmightdothemgood。
\"Yours，\"ClovisSangrail。\"
Mrs。HeasantknewClovisslightly，andwasratherafraidofhim。Itwasnotdifficulttoreadbetweenthelinesofhissuccessfulhoax。
InachastenedmoodsherappedoncemoreatBertie\'sdoor。
\"AletterfromMr。Sangrail。It\'sallbeenastupidhoax。Hewrotethoseotherletters。Why，whereareyougoing？\"
Bertiehadopenedthedoor；hehadonhishatandovercoat。
\"I\'mgoingforadoctortocomeandseeifanything\'sthematterwithyou。Ofcourseitwasallahoax，butnopersoninhisrightmindcouldhavebelievedallthatrubbishaboutmurderandsuicideandjewels。You\'vebeenmakingenoughnoisetobringthehousedownforthelasthourortwo。\"
\"ButwhatwasItothinkofthoseletters？\"whimperedMrs。Heasant。
\"Ishouldhaveknownwhattothinkofthem，\"saidBertie；\"ifyouchoosetoexciteyourselfoverotherpeople\'scorrespondenceit\'syourownfault。Anyhow，I\'mgoingforadoctor。\"
ItwasBertie\'sgreatopportunity，andheknewit。Hismotherwasconsciousofthefactthatshewouldlookratherridiculousifthestorygotabout。Shewaswillingtopayhush-money。
\"I\'llneveropenyourlettersagain，\"shepromised。AndClovishasnomoredevotedslavethanBertieHeasant。
THESEVENCREAMJUGS
\"IsupposeweshallneverseeWilfredPigeoncoteherenowthathehasbecomeheirtothebaronetcyandtoalotofmoney，\"observedMrs。PeterPigeoncoteregretfullytoherhusband。
\"Well，wecanhardlyexpectto，\"hereplied，\"seeingthatwealwayschokedhimofffromcomingtoseeuswhenhewasaprospectivenobody。Idon\'tthinkI\'veseteyesonhimsincehewasaboyoftwelve。\"
\"Therewasareasonfornotwantingtoencouragehisacquaintanceship，\"saidMrs。Peter。\"Withthatnotoriousfailingofhishewasnotthesortofpersononewantedinone\'shouse。\"
\"Well，thefailingstillexists，doesn\'tit？\"saidherhusband；\"ordoyousupposeareformofcharacterisentailedalongwiththeestate？\"
\"Oh，ofcourse，thereisstillthatdrawback，\"admittedthewife，\"butonewouldliketomaketheacquaintanceofthefutureheadofthefamily，ifonlyoutofmerecuriosity。Besides，cynicismapart，hisbeingrichwillmakeadifferenceinthewaypeoplewilllookathisfailing。Whenamanisabsolutelywealthy，notmerelywell-to-
do，allsuspicionofsordidmotivenaturallydisappears；thethingbecomesmerelyatiresomemalady。\"
WilfridPigeoncotehadsuddenlybecomeheirtohisuncle，SirWilfridPigeoncote，onthedeathofhiscousin，MajorWilfridPigeoncote，whohadsuccumbedtotheafter-effectsofapoloaccident。（AWilfridPigeoncotehadcoveredhimselfwithhonoursinthecourseofMarlborough\'scampaigns，andthenameWilfridhadbeenabaptismalweaknessinthefamilyeversince。）Thenewheirtothefamilydignityandestateswasayoungmanofaboutfive-and-twenty，whowasknownmorebyreputationthanbypersontoawidecircleofcousinsandkinsfolk。Andthereputationwasanunpleasantone。
ThenumerousotherWilfridsinthefamilyweredistinguishedonefromanotherchieflybythenamesoftheirresidencesorprofessions，asWilfridofHubbledown，andyoungWilfridtheGunner，butthisparticularscionwasknownbytheignominiousandexpressivelabelofWilfridtheSnatcher。Fromhislateschooldaysonwardhehadbeenpossessedbyanacuteandobstinateformofkleptomania；hehadtheacquisitiveinstinctofthecollectorwithoutanyofthecollector\'sdiscrimination。Anythingthatwassmallerandmoreportablethanasideboard，andabovethevalueofninepence，hadanirresistibleattractionforhim，providedthatitfulfilledthenecessaryconditionofbelongingtosomeoneelse。Ontherareoccasionswhenhewasincludedinacountry-houseparty，itwasusualandalmostnecessaryforhishost，orsomememberofthefamily，tomakeafriendlyinquisitionthroughhisbaggageontheeveofhisdeparture，toseeifhehadpackedup\"bymistake\"anyoneelse\'sproperty。Thesearchusuallyproducedalargeandvariedyield。
\"Thisisfunny，\"saidPeterPigeoncotetohiswife，somehalf-houraftertheirconversation；\"here\'satelegramfromWilfrid，sayinghe\'spassingthroughhereinhismotor，andwouldliketostopandpayushisrespects。Canstayforthenightifitdoesn\'tinconvenienceus。Signed\'WilfridPigeoncote。\'MustbetheSnatcher；noneoftheothershaveamotor。Isupposehe\'sbringingusapresentforthesilverwedding。\"
\"Goodgracious！\"saidMrs。Peter，asathoughtstruckher；\"thisisratheranawkwardtimetohaveapersonwithhisfailinginthehouse。Allthosesilverpresentssetoutinthedrawing-room，andotherscomingbyeverypost；Ihardlyknowwhatwe\'vegotandwhatarestilltocome。Wecan\'tlockthemallup；he\'ssuretowanttoseethem。\"
\"Wemustkeepasharplook-out，that\'sall，\"saidPeterreassuringly。
\"Butthesepractisedkleptomaniacsaresoclever，\"saidhiswife，apprehensively，\"anditwillbesoawkwardifhesuspectsthatwearewatchinghim。\"
Awkwardnesswasindeedtheprevailingnotethateveningwhenthepassingtravellerwasbeingentertained。Thetalkflittednervouslyandhurriedlyfromoneimpersonaltopictoanother。Theguesthadnoneofthefurtive，half-apologeticairthathiscousinshadratherexpectedtofind；hewaspolite，well-assured，and，perhaps，justalittleinclinedto\"putonside\"。Hishosts，ontheotherhand，woreanuneasymannerthatmighthavebeenthehallmarkofconsciousdepravity。Inthedrawing-room，afterdinner，theirnervousnessandawkwardnessincreased。
\"Oh，wehaven\'tshownyouthesilver-weddingpresents，\"saidMrs。
Peter，suddenly，asthoughstruckbyabrilliantideaforentertainingtheguest；\"heretheyallare。Suchnice，usefulgifts。Afewduplicates，ofcourse。\"
\"Sevencreamjugs，\"putinPeter。
\"Yes，isn\'titannoying，\"wentonMrs。Peter；\"sevenofthem。Wefeelthatwemustliveoncreamfortherestofourlives。Ofcourse，someofthemcanbechanged。\"
Wilfridoccupiedhimselfchieflywithsuchofthegiftsaswereofantiqueinterest，carryingoneortwoofthemovertothelamptoexaminetheirmarks。Theanxietyofhishostsatthesemomentsresembledthesolicitudeofacatwhosenewlybornkittensarebeinghandedroundforinspection。
\"Letmesee；didyougivemebackthemustard-pot？Thisisitsplacehere，\"pipedMrs。Peter。
\"Sorry。Iputitdownbytheclaret-jug，\"saidWilfrid，busywithanotherobject。
\"Oh，justletmehavethesugar-sifteragain，\"askedMrs。Peter，doggeddeterminationshowingthroughhernervousness；\"ImustlabelitwhoitcomesfrombeforeIforget。\"
Vigilancewasnotcompletelycrownedwithasenseofvictory。Aftertheyhadsaid\"Good-night\"totheirvisitor，Mrs。Peterexpressedherconvictionthathehadtakensomething。
\"Ifancy，byhismanner，thattherewassomethingup，\"corroboratedherhusband；\"doyoumissanything？\"
Mrs。Petershastilycountedthearrayofgifts。
\"Icanonlymakeitthirty-four，andIthinkitshouldbethirty-
five，\"sheannounced；\"Ican\'trememberifthirty-fiveincludestheArchdeacon\'scruet-standthathasn\'tarrivedyet。\"
\"Howoneartharewetoknow？\"saidPeter。\"Themeanpighasn\'tbroughtusapresent，andI\'mhangedifheshallcarryoneoff。\"
\"To-morrow，when\'shehavinghisbath，\"saidMrs。Peterexcitedly，\"he\'ssuretoleavehiskeyssomewhere，andwecangothroughhisportmanteau。It\'stheonlythingtodo。\"
Onthemorrowanalertwatchwaskeptbytheconspiratorsbehindhalf-closeddoors，andwhenWilfrid，cladinagorgeousbath-robe，hadmadehiswaytothebath-room，therewasaswiftandfurtiverushbytwoexcitedindividualstowardstheprincipalguest-chamber。
Mrs。Peterkeptguardoutside，whileherhusbandfirstmadeahurriedandsuccessfulsearchforthekeys，andthenplungedattheportmanteauwiththeairofadisagreeablyconscientiousCustomsofficial。Thequestwasabriefone；asilvercreamjuglayembeddedinthefoldsofsomezephyrshirts。
\"Thecunningbrute，\"saidMrs。Peters；\"hetookacreamjugbecausethereweresomany；hethoughtonewouldn\'tbemissed。Quick，flydownwithitandputitbackamongtheothers。\"
Wilfridwaslateincomingdowntobreakfast，andhismannershowedplainlythatsomethingwasamiss。
\"It\'sanunpleasantthingtohavetosay，\"heblurtedoutpresently，\"butI\'mafraidyoumusthaveathiefamongyourservants。
Something\'sbeentakenoutofmyportmanteau。Itwasalittlepresentfrommymotherandmyselfforyoursilverwedding。Ishouldhavegivenittoyoulastnightafterdinner，onlyithappenedtobeacreamjug，andyouseemedannoyedathavingsomanyduplicates，soIfeltratherawkwardaboutgivingyouanother。IthoughtI\'dgetitchangedforsomethingelse，andnowit\'sgone。\"
\"DidyousayitwasfromyourMOTHERandyourself？\"askedMr。andMrs。Peteralmostinunison。TheSnatcherhadbeenanorphanthesemanyyears。
\"Yes，mymother\'satCairojustnow，andshewrotetomeatDresdentotryandgetyousomethingquaintandprettyintheoldsilverline，andIpitchedonthiscreamjug。\"
BoththePigeoncoteshadturneddeadlypale。ThementionofDresdenhadthrownasuddenlightonthesituation。ItwasWilfridtheAttache，averysuperioryoungman，whorarelycamewithintheirsocialhorizon，whomtheyhadbeenentertainingunawaresinthesupposedcharacterofWilfridtheSnatcher。LadyErnestinePigeoncote，hismother，movedincircleswhichwereentirelybeyondtheircompassorambitions，andthesonwouldprobablyonedaybeanAmbassador。Andtheyhadrifledanddespoiledhisportmanteau！
Husbandandwifelookedblanklyanddesperatelyatoneanother。ItwasMrs。Peterwhoarrivedfirstataninspiration。
\"Howdreadfultothinktherearethievesinthehouse！Wekeepthedrawing-roomlockedupatnight，ofcourse，butanythingmightbecarriedoffwhileweareatbreakfast。\"
Sheroseandwentouthurriedly，asthoughtoassureherselfthatthedrawing-roomwasnotbeingstrippedofitssilverware，andreturnedamomentlater，bearingacreamjuginherhands。
\"Thereareeightcreamjugsnow，insteadofseven，\"shecried；\"thisonewasn\'ttherebefore。Whatacurioustrickofmemory，Mr。
Wilfrid！Youmusthaveslippeddownstairswithitlastnightandputittherebeforewelockedup，andforgottenallabouthavingdoneitinthemorning。\"
\"One\'smindoftenplaysonelittletrickslikethat，\"saidMr。
Peter，withdesperateheartiness。\"OnlytheotherdayIwentintothetowntopayabill，andwentinagainnextday，havingcleanforgottenthatI\'d——\"
\"ItiscertainlythejugIboughtforyou，\"saidWilfrid，lookingcloselyatit；\"itwasinmyportmanteauwhenIgotmybath-robeoutthismorning，beforegoingtomybath，anditwasnottherewhenI
unlockedtheportmanteauonmyreturn。SomeonehadtakenitwhileIwasawayfromtheroom。\"
ThePigeoncoteshadturnedpalerthanever。Mrs。Peterhadafinalinspiration。
\"Getmemysmelling-salts，dear，\"shesaidtoherhusband；\"Ithinkthey\'reinthedressing-room。\"
Peterdashedoutoftheroomwithgladrelief；hehadlivedsolongduringthelastfewminutesthatagoldenweddingseemedwithinmeasurabledistance。
Mrs。Peterturnedtoherguestwithconfidentialcoyness。
\"Adiplomatlikeyouwillknowhowtotreatthisasifithadn\'thappened。Peter\'slittleweakness；itrunsinthefamily。\"
\"GoodLord！Doyoumeantosayhe\'sakleptomaniac，likeCousinSnatcher？\"
\"Oh，notexactly，\"saidMrs。Peter，anxioustowhitewashherhusbandalittlegreyerthanshewaspaintinghim。\"Hewouldnevertouchanythinghefoundlyingabout，buthecan\'tresistmakingaraidonthingsthatarelockedup。Thedoctorshaveaspecialnameforit。
Hemusthavepouncedonyourportmanteauthemomentyouwenttoyourbath，andtakenthefirstthinghecameacross。Ofcourse，hehadnomotivefortakingacreamjug；we\'vealreadygotseven，asyouknow——not，ofcourse，thatwedon\'tvaluethekindofgiftyouandyourmother——hushhere\'sPetercoming。\"
Mrs。Peterbrokeoffinsomeconfusion，andtrippedouttomeetherhusbandinthehall。
\"It\'sallright，\"shewhisperedtohim；\"I\'veexplainedeverything。
Don\'tsayanythingmoreaboutit。\"
\"Bravelittlewoman，\"saidPeter，withagaspofrelief；\"Icouldneverhavedoneit。\"
***
Diplomaticreticencedoesnotnecessarilyextendtofamilyaffairs。
PeterPigeoncotewasneverabletounderstandwhyMrs。ConsuelovanBullyon，whostayedwiththeminthespring，alwayscarriedtwoveryobviousjewel-caseswithhertothebath-room，explainingthemtoanyoneshechancedtomeetinthecorridorashermanicureandface-massageset。
THEOCCASIONALGARDEN
\"Don\'ttalktomeabouttowngardens，\"saidElinorRapsley；\"whichmeans，ofcourse，thatIwantyoutolistentomeforanhourorsowhileItalkaboutnothingelse。\'Whatanice-sizedgardenyou\'vegot，\'peoplesaidtouswhenwefirstmovedhere。WhatIsupposetheymeanttosaywaswhatanice-sizedsiteforagardenwe\'dgot。
Asamatteroffact，thesizeisallagainstit；it\'stoolargetobeignoredaltogetherandtreatedasayard，andit\'stoosmalltokeepgiraffesin。Yousee，ifwecouldkeepgiraffesorreindeerorsomeotherspeciesofbrowsinganimaltherewecouldexplainthegeneralabsenceofvegetationbyareferencetothefaunaofthegarden：\'Youcan\'thavewapitiANDDarwintulips，youknow，sowedidn\'tputdownanybulbslastyear。\'Asitis，wehaven\'tgotthewapiti，andtheDarwintulipshaven\'tsurvivedthefactthatmostofthecatsoftheneighbourhoodholdaparliamentinthecentreofthetulipbed；thatratherforlornlookingstripthatweintendedtobeaborderofalternatinggeraniumandspiraeahasbeenutilisedbythecat-parliamentasadivisionlobby。Snapdivisionsseemtohavebeenratherfrequentoflate，farmorefrequentthanthegeraniumbloomsarelikelytobe。Ishouldn\'tobjectsomuchtoordinarycats，butIdocomplainofhavingacongressofvegetariancatsinmygarden；theymustbevegetarians，mydear，because，whateverravagestheymaycommitamongthesweetpeaseedlings，theyneverseemtotouchthesparrows；therearealwaysjustasmanyadultsparrowsinthegardenonSaturdayastherewereonMonday，nottomentionnewly-fledgedadditions。ThereseemstohavebeenanirreconcilabledifferenceofopinionbetweensparrowsandProvidencesincethebeginningoftimeastowhetheracrocuslooksbeststandinguprightwithitsrootsintheearthorinarecumbentposturewithitsstemneatlysevered；thesparrowsalwayshavethelastwordinthematter，atleastinourgardentheydo。IfancythatProvidencemusthaveoriginallyintendedtobringinanamendingAct，orwhateverit\'scalled，providingeitherforalessdestructivesparroworamoreindestructiblecrocus。Theoneconsolingpointaboutourgardenisthatit\'snotvisiblefromthedrawing-roomorthesmoking-room，sounlesspeoplearedinningorlunchingwithustheycan\'tspyoutthenakednessoftheland。ThatiswhyIamsofuriouswithGwendaPottingdon，whohaspracticallyforcedherselfonmeforlunchonWednesdaynext；sheheardmeofferthePaulcotegirllunchifshewasupshoppingonthatday，and，ofcourse，sheaskedifshemightcometoo。Sheisonlycomingtogloatovermybedraggledandflowerlessbordersandtosingthepraisesofherowndetestablyover-cultivatedgarden。I\'msickofbeingtoldthatit\'stheenvyoftheneighbourhood；it\'slikeeverythingelsethatbelongstoher——hercar，herdinner-parties，evenherheadaches，theyareallsuperlative；nooneelseeverhadanythinglikethem。Whenhereldestchildwasconfirmeditwassuchasensationalevent，accordingtoheraccountofit，thatonealmostexpectedquestionstobeaskedaboutitintheHouseofCommons，andnowshe\'scomingonpurposetostareatmyfewmiserablepansiesandthegapsinmysweet-peaborder，andtogivemeaglowing，full-
lengthdescriptionoftherareandsumptuousbloomsinherrose-
garden。\"
\"MydearElinor，\"saidtheBaroness，\"youwouldsaveyourselfallthisheart-burningandalotofgardener\'sbills，nottomentionsparrowanxieties，simplybypayinganannualsubscriptiontotheO。O。S。A。\"
\"Neverheardofit，\"saidElinor；\"whatisit？\"
\"TheOccasional-OasisSupplyAssociation，\"saidtheBaroness；\"itexiststomeetcasesexactlylikeyours，casesofbackyardsthatareofnopracticaluseforgardeningpurposes，butarerequiredtoblossomintodecorativescenicbackgroundsatstatedintervals，whenaluncheonordinner-partyiscontemplated。Supposing，forinstance，youhavepeoplecomingtolunchatone-thirty；youjustringuptheAssociationataboutteno\'clockthesamemorning，andsay\'lunchgarden\'。Thatisallthetroubleyouhavetotake。Bytwelveforty-fiveyouryardiscarpetedwithastripofvelvetyturf，withahedgeoflilacorredmay，orwhateverhappenstobeinseason，asabackground，oneortwocherrytreesinblossom，andclumpsofheavily-floweredrhododendronsfillingintheoddcorners；
intheforegroundyouhaveablazeofcarnationsorShirleypoppies，ortigerliliesinfullbloom。Assoonasthelunchisoverandyourguestshavedepartedthegardendepartsalso，andallthecatsinChristendomcansitincouncilinyouryardwithoutcausingyouamoment\'sanxiety。Ifyouhaveabishoporanantiquaryorsomethingofthatsortcomingtolunchyoujustmentionthefactwhenyouareorderingthegarden，andyougetanold-worldpleasaunce，withclippedyewhedgesandasun-dialandhollyhocks，andperhapsamulberrytree，andbordersofsweet-williamsandCanterburybells，andanold-fashionedbeehiveortwotuckedawayinacorner。ThosearetheordinarylinesofsupplythattheOasisAssociationundertakes，butbypayingafewguineasayearextrayouareentitledtoitsemergencyE。O。N。service。\"
\"WhatonearthisanE。O。N。service？\"
\"It\'sjustaconventionalsignaltoindicatespecialcasesliketheincursionofGwendaPottingdon。Itmeansyou\'vegotsomeonecomingtolunchordinnerwhosegardenisallegedtobe\'theenvyoftheneighbourhood。\'\"
\"Yes，\"exclaimedElinor，withsomeexcitement，\"andwhathappensthen？\"
\"SomethingthatsoundslikeamiracleoutoftheArabianNights。
Yourbackyardbecomesvoluptuouswithpomegranateandalmondtrees，lemongroves，andhedgesoffloweringcactus，dazzlingbanksofazaleas，marble-basinedfountains，inwhichchestnut-and-whitepond-
heronsstepdaintilyamidexoticwater-lilies，whilegoldenpheasantsstrutaboutonalabasterterraces。ThewholeeffectrathersuggeststheideathatProvidenceandNormanWilkinsonhavedroppedmutualjealousiesandcollaboratedtoproduceabackgroundforanopen-airRussianBallet；inpointoffact，itismerelythebackgroundtoyourluncheonparty。IfthereisanykickleftinGwendaPottingdon，orwhoeveryourE。O。N。guestofthemomentmaybe，justmentioncarelesslythatyourclimbingputellaistheonlyoneinEngland，sincetheoneatChatsworthdiedlastwinter。Thereisn\'tsuchathingasaclimbingputella，butGwendaPottingdonandherkinddon\'tusuallyknowoneflowerfromanotherwithoutprompting。\"
\"Quick，\"saidElinor，\"theaddressoftheAssociation。\"
GwendaPottingdondidnotenjoyherlunch。Itwasasimpleyetelegantmeal，excellentlycookedanddaintilyserved，butthepiquantsauceofherownconversationwasnotablylacking。Shehadpreparedalongsuccessionofeulogisticcommentsonthewondersofhertowngarden，withitsunrivalledeffectsofhorticulturalmagnificence，and，behold，herthemewasshutinoneverysidebytheluxurianthedgeofSiberianberberisthatformedaglowingbackgroundtoElinor\'sbewilderingfragmentoffairyland。Thepomegranateandlemontrees，theterracedfountain，wheregoldencarpslitheredandwriggledamidtherootsofgorgeous-huedirises，thebankedmassesofexoticblooms，thepagoda-likeenclosure，whereJapanesesand-badgersdisportedthemselves，allthesecontributedtotakeawayGwenda\'sappetiteandmoderateherdesiretotalkaboutgardeningmatters。
\"Ican\'tsayIadmiretheclimbingputella，\"sheobservedshortly，\"andanywayit\'snottheonlyoneofitskindinEngland；IhappentoknowofoneinHampshire。Howgardeningisgoingoutoffashion；
Isupposepeoplehaven\'tthetimeforitnowadays。\"
AltogetheritwasquiteoneofElinor\'smostsuccessfulluncheonparties。
ItwasdistinctlyanunforeseencatastrophethatGwendashouldhaveburstinonthehouseholdfourdayslateratlunch-timeandmadeherwayunbiddenintothedining-room。
\"IthoughtImusttellyouthatmyElainehashadawater-coloursketchacceptedbytheLatentTalentArtGuild；it\'stobeexhibitedattheirsummerexhibitionattheHackneyGallery。Itwillbethesensationofthemomentintheartworld——Hullo，whatonearthhashappenedtoyourgarden？It\'snotthere！\"
\"Suffragettes，\"saidElinorpromptly；\"didn\'tyouhearaboutit？
Theybrokeinandmadehayofthewholethinginabouttenminutes。
Iwassoheart-brokenatthehavocthatIhadthewholeplaceclearedout；Ishallhaveitlaidoutagainonrathermoreelaboratelines。\"
\"That，\"shesaidtotheBaronessafterwards\"iswhatIcallhavinganemergencybrain。\"
THESHEEP
Theenemyhaddeclared\"notrumps。\"Rupertplayedouthisaceandkingofclubsandclearedtheadversaryofthatsuit；thentheSheep，whomtheFateshadinflictedonhimforapartner，tookthethirdroundwiththequeenofclubs，and，havingnootherclubtoleadback，openedanothersuit。Theenemywontheremainderofthetricks——andtherubber。
\"Ihadfourmoreclubstoplay；weonlywantedtheoddtricktowintherubber，\"saidRupert。
\"ButIhadn\'tanotherclubtoleadyou，\"exclaimedtheSheep，withhisready，defensivesmile。
\"Itdidn\'toccurtoyoutothrowyourqueenawayonmykingandleavemewiththecommandofthesuit，\"saidRupert，withpolitebitterness。
\"IsupposeIoughttohave——Iwasn\'tcertainwhattodo。I\'mawfullysorry，\"saidtheSheep。
Beingawfullyanduselesslysorryformedalargepartofhisoccupationinlife。Ifasimilarsituationhadariseninasubsequenthandhewouldhaveblunderedjustascertainly，andhewouldhavebeenjustasirritatinglyapologetic。
Rupertstaredgloomilyacrossathimashesatsmilingandfumblingwithhiscards。Manymenwhohavegoodbrainsforbusinessdonotpossesstherudimentsofacard-brain，andRupertwouldnothavejudgedandcondemnedhisprospectivebrother-in-lawontheevidenceofhisbridgeplayalone。Thetragicpartofitwasthathesmiledandfumbledthroughlifejustasfatuouslyandapologeticallyashedidatthecard-table。Andbehindthedefensivesmileandthewell-
wornexpressionsofregretthereshoneascarcelybelievablebutquiteobviousself-satisfaction。Everysheepofthepastureprobablyimaginesthatinanemergencyitcouldbecometerribleasanarmywithbanners——onehasonlytowatchhowtheystamptheirfeetandstiffentheirneckswhenaminorobjectofsuspicioncomesintoviewandbehavesmeekly。Andprobablythemajorityofhumansheepseethemselvesinimaginationtakinggreatpartsintheworld\'smoreimpressivedramas，formingswift，unerringdecisionsinmomentsofcrisis，cowingmutinies，allayingpanics，brave，strong，simple，but，inspiteoftheirnaturalmodesty，alwaysslightlyspectacular。
\"WhyinthenameofallthatisunnecessaryandperverseshouldKathleenchoosethismanforherfuturehusband？\"wasthequestionthatRupertaskedhimselfruefully。TherewasyoungMalcolmAthling，asnice-looking，decent，level-headedafellowasanyonecouldwishtomeet，obviouslyherverydevotedadmirer，andyetshemustthrowherselfawayonthispale-eyed，weak-mouthedembodimentofself-approvingineptitude。IfithadbeenmerelyKathleen\'sownaffairRupertwouldhaveshruggedhisshouldersandphilosophicallyhopedthatshemightmakethebestofanundeniablybadbargain。
ButRuperthadnoheir；hisownboylayundergroundsomewhereontheIndianfrontier，ingoodlycompany。AndthepropertywouldpassinduecursetoKathleenandKathleen\'shusband。TheSheepwouldlivethereinthebelovedoldhome，rearingupotherlittleSheep，fatuousandrabbit-facedandself-satisfiedlikehimself，todwellinthelandandpossessit。Itwasnotasoothingprospect。
TowardsduskontheafternoonfollowingthebridgeexperienceRupertandtheSheepmadetheirwayhomewardafteraday\'smixedshooting。
TheSheep\'scartridgebagwasnearlyempty，buthisgamebagshowednosignsofover-crowding。Thebirdshehadshotathadseemedforthemostpartasimpervioustodeathordamageastheheroofamelodrama。Andforeachfailuretodrophisbirdhehadsomeexplanationorapologyreadyonhislips。Nowhewasstridingalonginfrontofhishost，chatteringhappilyoverhisshoulder，butobviouslyonthelook-outforsomebelatedrabbitorwoodpigeonthatmighthaplybesecuredasaneleventh-houradditiontohisbag。Astheypassedtheedgeofasmallcopsealargebirdrosefromthegroundandflewslowlytowardsthetrees，offeringaneasyshottotheoncomingsportsmen。TheSheepbangedforthwithbothbarrels，andgaveanexultantcry。
\"Horray！I\'veshotathunderingbighawk！\"
\"Tobeexact，you\'veshotahoney-buzzard。Thatisthehenbirdofoneofthefewpairsofhoney-buzzardsbreedingintheUnitedKingdom。We\'vekeptthemunderthestrictestpreservationforthelastfouryears；everygame-keeperandvillagegunloaferfortwentymilesroundhasbeenwarnedandbribedandthreatenedtorespecttheirsanctity，andegg-snatchingagentshavebeencarefullyguardedagainstduringthebreedingseason。Hundredsofloversofrarebirdshavedelightedinseeingtheirsnap-shottedportraitsinCountryLife，andnowyou\'vereducedthehenbirdtoalumpofbrokenfeathers。\"
Rupertspokequietlyandevenly，butforamomentortwoagleamofpositivehatredshoneinhiseyes。
\"Isay，I\'msosorry，\"saidtheSheep，withhisapologeticsmile。
\"OfcourseIrememberhearingaboutthebuzzards，butsomehowI
didn\'tconnectthisbirdwiththem。Anditwassuchaneastshot——\"
\"Yes，\"saidRupert；\"thatwasthetrouble。\"
Kathleenfoundhiminthegun-roomsmoothingoutthefeathersofthedeadbird。Shehadalreadybeentoldofthecatastrophe。
\"Whatahorridmisfortune，\"shesaidsympathetically。
\"ItwasmydearRobbiewhofirstdiscoveredthem，thelasttimehewashomeonleave。Don\'tyourememberhowexcitedhewasaboutthem？Let\'sgoandhavesometea。\"
Bothbridgeandshootingweregivenarestforthenexttwoorthreeweeks。Death，whoentersintonocompactswithpartywhips，hadforcedaParliamentaryvacancyontheneighbourhoodattheleastconvenientseason，andthelocalpartisansoneithersidefoundthemselvesimmersedinthediscomfortsofamid-winterelection。
Ruperttookhispoliticsseriouslyandkeenly。Hebelongedtothattypeofstrangelybutratherhappilyconstitutedindividualswhichtheseislandsseemtoproduceinafairplenty；menandwomenwhofornopersonalprofitorgaingoforthfromtheircomfortablefiresidesorclubcard-roomstohunttoandfrointhemudandrainandwindforthecaptureortrackingofastrayvotehereandthereontheirparty\'sbehalf——notbecausetheythinktheyoughtto，butbecausetheywantto。Andhisenergieswerewelcomeenoughonthisoccasion，fortheseatwasacloselydisputedpossession，anditslossorretentionwouldcountformuchinthepresentpositionoftheParliamentarygame。WithKathleentohelphim，hehadworkedhiscorneroftheconstituencywithtireless，well-directedzeal，takinghisshareofthedullroutineworkaswellasofthelivelierepisodes。Thetalkingpartofthecampaignwoundupontheeveofthepollwithameetinginacentrewheremoreundecidedvotesweresupposedtobeconcentratedthananywhereelseinthedivision。A
goodfinalmeetingherewouldmeaneverything。Andthespeakers，localandimported，leftnothingundonetoimprovetheoccasion。
Rupertwasdownfortheunimportanttaskofmovingthecomplimentaryvotetothechairmanwhichshouldclosetheproceedings。
\"I\'msohoarse，\"heprotested，whenthemomentarrived；\"Idon\'tbelieveIcanmakemyvoiceheardbeyondtheplatform。\"
\"Letmedoit，\"saidtheSheep；\"I\'mrathergoodatthatsortofthing。\"
Thechairmanwaspopularwithallparties，andtheSheep\'sopeningwordsofcomplimentaryrecognitionreceivedaroundofapplause。
Theoratorsmiledexpansivelyonhislistenersandseizedtheopportunitytoaddafewwordsofpoliticalwisdomonhisownaccount。Peoplelookedattheclockorbegantogropeforumbrellasanddiscardedneckwraps。Then，inthemidstofastringofmeaninglessplatitudes，theSheepdeliveredhimselfofoneofthoseblunderingremarkswhichtravelfromoneendofaconstituencytotheotherinhalfanhour，andareseizedonbytheothersideasbeingmorepotentontheirbehalfthanatonofelectionliterature。
Therewasageneralshufflingandmutteringacrossthelengthandbreadthofthehall，andafewhissesmadethemselvesheard。TheSheeptriedtowhittledownhisremark，andthechairmanunhesitatinglythrewhimoverinhisspeechofthanks，butthedamagewasdone。
\"I\'mafraidIlosttouchwiththeaudienceratheroverthatremark，\"
saidtheSheepafterwards，withhisapologeticsmileabnormallydeveloped。
\"Youlostustheelection，\"saidthechairman，andheprovedatrueprophet。
Amonthorsoofwintersportseemedadesirablepick-me-upafterthestrenuousworkandcrowningdiscomfitureoftheelection。
RupertandKathleenhiedthemawaytoasmallAlpineresortthatwasjustcomingintoprominence，andthithertheSheepfollowedtheminduecourse，inhisroleofhusband-elect。TheweddinghadbeenfixedfortheendofMarch。
Itwasawinterofearlyandunseasonablethaws，andthefarendofthelocallake，ataspotwhereswiftcurrentsflowedintoit，wasdecoratedwithnotices，writteninthreelanguages，warningskatersnottoventureovercertainunsafepatches。ThefollyofapproachingtoonearthesedangerspotsseemedtohaveanaturalfascinationfortheSheep。
\"Idon\'tseewhatpossibledangertherecanbe，\"heprotested，withhisinevitablesmile，whenRupertbeckonedhimawayfromtheproscribedarea；\"themilkthatIputoutonmywindow-silllastnightwasfrozenaninchdeep。\"
\"Ithadn\'tgotastrongcurrentflowingthroughit，\"saidRupert；
\"inanycase，thereisnotmuchsenseinhoveringroundadoubtfulpieceoficewhenthereareacresofgoodicetoskateover。Thesecretaryoftheice-committeehaswarnedyouoncealready。\"
AfewminuteslaterRupertheardaloudsquealoffear，andsawadarkspotblottingthesmoothnessofthelake\'sfrozensurface。TheSheepwasstrugglinghelplesslyinanice-holeofhisownmaking。
Rupertgaveoneloudcurse，andthendashedfulltiltfortheshore；
outsidealowstablebuildingonthelake\'sedgeherememberedhavingseenaladder。Ifhecouldslideitacrosstheice-holebeforetheSheepwentundertherescuewouldbecomparativelysimplework。Otherskatersweredashingupfromadistance，and，withtheladder\'shelp，theycouldgethimoutofhisdeath-trapwithouthavingtotrustthemselvesonthemarginofrottenice。Rupertsprangontothesurfaceoflumpy，frozensnow，andstaggeredtowheretheladderlay。Hehadalreadylifteditwhentherattleofachainandafuriousoutburstofgrowlsburstonhishearing，andhewasdashedtothegroundbyamassofwhiteandtawnyfur。Asturdyyoungyard-dog，franticwiththepleasureofperforminghisfirstpieceofacticeguardianservice，wasrampingandsnarlingoverhim，renderingthetaskofregaininghisfeetorsecuringtheladderamatterofconsiderabledifficulty。Whenhehadatlastsucceededinbotheffortshewasjustbyahair\'s-breadthtoolatetobeofanyuse。TheSheephaddefinitelydisappearedundertheice-rift。
KathleenAthlingandherhusbandstaythegreaterpartoftheyearwithRupert，andasmallRobbiestandsinsomedangerofbeingidolisedbyadevoteduncle。ButfortwelvemonthsoftheyearRupert\'smostinseparableandvaluedcompanionisasturdytawnyandwhiteyard-dog。
THEOVERSIGHT
\"It\'slikeaChinesepuzzle，\"saidLadyProwcheresentfully，staringatascribbledlistofnamesthatspreadovertwoorthreeloosesheetsofnotepaperonherwriting-table。Mostofthenameshadapencilmarkrunningthroughthem。
\"WhatislikeaChinesepuzzle？\"askedLenaLuddlefordbriskly；sheratherpridedherselfonbeingabletograpplewiththeminorproblemsoflife。
\"Gettingpeoplesuitablysortedtogether。SirRichardlikesmetohaveahousepartyaboutthistimeofyear，andgivesmeafreehandastowhomIshouldinvite；allheasksisthatitshouldbeapeaceableparty，withnofrictionorunpleasantness。\"
\"Thatseemsreasonableenough，\"saidLena。
\"Notonlyreasonable，mydear，butnecessary。SirRichardhashisliteraryworktothinkof；youcan\'texpectamantoconcentrateonthetribaldisputesofCentralAsianclansmenwhenhe\'sgotsocialfeudsblazingunderhisownroof。\"
\"Butwhyshouldtheyblaze？Whyshouldtherebefeudsatallwithinthecompassofahouseparty？\"
\"Exactly；whyshouldtheyblazeorwhyshouldtheyexist？\"echoedLadyProwche；\"thepointisthattheyalwaysdo。Wehavebeenunlucky；persistentlyunlucky，nowthatIcometolookbackonthings。Wehavealwaysgotpeopleofviolentlyopposedviewsunderoneroof，andtheresulthasbeennotmerelyunpleasantnessbutexplosion。\"
\"Doyoumeanpeoplewhodisagreeonmattersofpoliticalopinionandreligiousviews？\"askedLena。