AndthisI’veperseavedinthecorsofmyexpearantsthroughlife，thatwhenyouvexhim，aroag’snolongeraroag：youfindhimoutatonstwhenhe’sinapassion，forheshows，asitware，hisclovenfoottheveryinstntyoutreadonit。Atleast，thisiswhatYOUNGroagsdo;itrequiresverycoolbloodandlongpractistogetoverthispint，andnottoshowyourpashnwhenyoufeelitandsnarlwhenyouareangry。OldCrabswouldn’tdoit;beinglikeanothernoblemin，ofwhomIheardtheDukeofWellingtonsay，whilewaitingbehindhisgraci’schair，thatifyouwerekickinghimfrombehind，noonestandingbeforehimwouldknowit，fromthebewtiflesmilingigspreshnofhisface。Youngmasterhadn’tgotsofarinthethief’sgrammer，and，whenhewasangry，show’dit。Andit’salsotoberemarked（averyprofowndobservatinforafootmin，butwehavei’sthoughweDOwearplushbritchis），it’stoberemarked，Isay，thatoneofthesechapsismuchsoonermaidangrythananother，becausehonestmenyieldtootherpeople，roagsneverdo;
honestmenloveotherpeople，roagsonlythemselves;andtheslightestthingwhichcomesinthewayofthirbelovedobjectssetsthemfewrious。Masterhadn’tledalifeofgambling，swindling，andeverykindofdebotchtobegood—temperedattheendofit，I
prommisyou。
Hewasinapashun，andwhenheWASinapashn，amoreinsalent，insuffrable，overbearingbrootdidn’tlive。
Thiswastheverypinttowhichmyladywishedtobringhim;forI
musttellyou，thatthoughshehadbeentryingallhermighttosetmasterandtheshevalliaybytheyears，shehadsuxeadedonlysofarastomakethemhateeachprofowndly：butsomehoworother，the2coxwouldn’tFIGHT。
Idoan’tthinkDeuceaceeversuspectedanygameonthepartofherladyship，forshecarrieditonsoadmirally，thatthequarlswhichdailytookplacebetwigsthimandtheFrenchmanneverseemedtocomefromher;onthecontry，sheactedasthereglarpease—makerbetweenthem，asI’vejustshowninthetiffwhichtookplaceatthedooroftheSallyMangy。Besides，the2youngmen，thoughreddyenoughtosnarl，werenatrallyunwillingtocometobloes。
I’lltellyouwhy：beingfriends，andidle，theyspenttheirmorninsasyoungfashnabblesgenrallydo，atbilliads，fensing，riding，pistle—shooting，orsomesuchimproovingstudy。Inbilliads，masterbeattheFrenchmanhollow（andhadwonapretioussightofmoneyfromhim：butthat’sneitherherenorthere，or，astheFrenchsay，ontrynoo）;atpistle—shooting，mastercouldknockdowneightimmidgesoutoften，andDel’Orgeseven;andinfensing，theFrenchmancouldpinktheHonorableAlgernondownevryoneofhisweskitbuttns。They’deachofthembeenoutmorethanonst，foreveryFrenchmanwillfight，andmasterhadbeenobleag’dtodosointhecorsofhisbisniss;andknowingeachother’scurridg，aswellasthefactthateithercouldputahundridbollsrunningintoahatat30yards，theywairntverywillingtotrysuchexparrymenceupontheirownhatswiththeirownheadsinthem。
Soyouseetheykepquiet，andonlygrouldateachother。
Butto—dayDeuceacewasinoneofhisthunderingblackhumers;andwheninthiswayhewouldn’tstopformanordevvle。Isaidthathewalkedawayfromtheshevalliay，whohadgivenhimhishandinhissuddenbustofjoyflegood—humor;andwho，Idobleave，wouldhavehugdashe—bear，soveryhappywashe。Masterwalkedawayfromhimpaleandhotty，and，takinghisseatattable，nomoormindidthebrandishmentsofMissGriffin，butonlyrepliedtothemwithapshaw，oradamatoneofusservnts，orabuseofthesoop，orthewine;cussingandswearinglikeatrooper，andnotlikeawell—bredsonofanobleBritishpeer。
\"Willyourladyship，\"sayshe，sliveringoffthewingofapullyallybashymall，\"allowmetohelpyou？\"
\"Ithankyou！no;butIwilltroubleMonsieurdel’Orge。\"Andtowardsthatgnlmnsheturned，withamosttenderandfasnatingsmile。
\"YourladyshiphastakenaverysuddenadmirationforMr。del’Orge’scarving。Youusedtolikemineonce。\"
\"Youareveryskilful;butto—day，ifyouwillallowme，Iwillpartakeofsomethingalittlesimpler。\"
TheFrenchmanhelped;and，beingsohappy，incors，spiltthegravy。Agreatblobofbrownsosspurtedontomaster’schick，andmyandreweddownhisshert—collarandvirging—whiteweskit。
\"Confoundyou！\"sayshe，\"M。del’Orge，youhavedonethisonpurpose。\"Anddownwenthisknifeandfork，overwenthistumblerofwine，adealofitintopoarMissGriffinseslap，wholookedfritenedandreadytocry。
Myladybustintoafitoflaffin，peeluponpeel，asifitwasthebestjoakintheworld。Del’Orgegiggledandgrin’dtoo。
\"Pardong，\"sayshe;\"mealpardong，mongsharemunseer。\"*Andhelookedasifhewouldhavedoneitagainforapenny。
*Inthelongdialogues，wehavegenerallyventuredtochangethepeculiarspellingofourfriendMr。Yellowplush。
ThelittleFrenchmanwasquiteinextasis;hefoundhimselfallofasuddnattheverytopofthetrea;andthelaffforonstturnedagainsthisrivle：heactialyhadtheordassatytoproposetomyladyinEnglishtotakeaglassofwine。
\"Vealyou，\"sayshe，inhisjargin，\"takeaglasofMaderevizme，miladi？\"Andhelookedround，asifhe’digsacklyhittheEnglishmannerandpronunciation。
\"Withthegreatestpleasure，\"saysLadyG。，mostgraciouslynoddingathim，andgazingathimasshedrankupthewine。She’drefusedmasterbefore，andTHISdidn’tincreasehisgood—humer。
Well，theywenton，mastersnarling，snapping，andswearing，makinghimself，Imustconfess，asmuchofablaggardasanyIeversee;
andmyladyemployinghertimebetwigsthimandtheshevalliay，doingeverythinktoirritatemaster，andflattertheFrenchmn。
Desertcame：andbythistime，Misswasstock—stillwithfright，thechevaleerhalftipsywithpleasureandgratafiedvannaty，myladypufficklyraygentwithsmilesandmasterbloowithrage。
\"Mr。Deuceace，\"saysmylady，inamostwinningvoice，afteralittlechaffing（inwhichsheonlyworkedhimupmoarandmoar），\"mayItroubleyouforafewofthosegrapes？theylookdelicious。\"
Foranswer，masterseas’dholdofthegraypdish，andsentitslidingdownthetabletoDel’Orge;upsetting，inhisway，fruit—
plates，glasses，dickanters，andheavenknowswhat。
\"Monsieurdel’Orge，\"sayshe，shoutingoutatthetopofhisvoice，\"havethegoodnesstohelpLadyGriffin。ShewantedMY
grapeslongago，andhasfoundouttheyaresour！\"……
Therewasadeadpawsofamomentorso……
\"Ah！\"saysmylady，\"vousosezm’insulter，devantmesgens，dansmapropremaison——c’estpartropfort，monsieur。\"Andupshegot，andflungoutoftheroom。Missfollowedher，screechingout，\"Mamma——
forGod’ssake——LadyGriffin！\"andherethedoorslammedonthepair。
HerladyshipdidverywelltospeakFrench。DEL’ORGEWOULDNOT
HAVEUNDERSTOODHERELSE;asitwasheheardquiteenough;andasthedoorclikttoo，inthepresentsofme，andMesseersMortimerandFitzclarence，thefamilyfootmen，hewalksroundtomymaster，andhitshimaslapontheface，andsays，\"prendsca，menteuretlache！\"whichmeans，\"Takethat，youliarandcoward！\"——raytherstrongigspreshnsforonegenlmntousetoanother。
Masterstaggeredbackandlookedbewildered;andthenhegaveakindofascream，andthenhemadearunattheFrenchman，andthenmeandMortimerflungourselvesuponhim，whilstFitzclarenceembracedtheshevalliay。
\"Ademain！\"sayshe，clinchinghislittlefist，andwalkingaway，notverysorrytogitoff。
Whenhewasfairlydownstares，weletgoofmaster：whoswallowedagoblitofwater，andthenpawsingalittleandpullouthispus，hepresentedtoMesseersMortimerandFitzclarencealuydoreach。
\"Iwillgiveyoufivemoreto—morrow，\"sayshe，\"ifyouwillpromisetokeepthissecrit。\"
Andthenhewalkedintotheladies。\"Ifyouknew，\"sayshe，goinguptoLadyGriffin，andspeakingveryslow（incorswewereallatthekeyhole），\"thepainIhaveenduredinthelastminute，inconsequenceoftherudenessandinsolenceofwhichIhavebeenguiltytoyourladyship，youwouldthinkmyownremorsewaspunishmentsufficient，andwouldgrantmepardon。\"
Myladybowed，andsaidshedidn’twishforexplanations。Mr。
Deuceacewasherdaughter’sguest，andnothers;butshecertainlywouldneverdemeanherselfbysittingagainattablewithhim。Andsosayingoutsheboltidagain。
\"Oh！Algernon！Algernon！\"saysMiss，inteers，\"whatisthisdreadfulmystery——thesefearfulshockingquarrels？Tellme，hasanythinghappened？Where，whereisthechevalier？\"
Mastersmiledandsaid，\"Beundernoalarm，mysweetestMatilda。
Del’Orgedidnotunderstandawordofthedispute;hewastoomuchinloveforthat。Heisbutgoneawayforhalfanhour，Ibelieve;
andwillreturntocoffee。\"
Iknewwhatmaster’sgamewas，forifmisshadgotahinklingofthequarrelbetwigsthimandtheFrenchman，weshouldhavehadherscreemingatthe\"HotelMirabeu，\"andthejuiceandalltopay。Heonlystoptforafewminnitsandcumfittedher，andthendroveofftohisfriend，CaptainBullseye，oftheRifles;withwhom，Ispose，hetalkedoverthisunplesntbisniss。Wefownd，atourhotel，anotefromDel’Orge，sayingwherehisseckndwastobeseen。
TwomorningsaftertherewasaparrowgrafinGallynanny’sMessinger，whichIhearbegleaftotranscribe：——
\"FEARFULDUEL。——Yesterdaymorning，atsixo’clock，ameetingtookplace，intheBoisdeBoulogne，betweentheHon。A。P。D——ce—ce，ayoungersonoftheEarlofCr—bs，andtheChevalierdel’O———。ThechevalierwasattendedbyMajordeM———，oftheRoyalGuard，andtheHon。Mr。D———byCaptainB—lls—ye，oftheBritishRifleCorps。
Asfaraswehavebeenabletolearntheparticularsofthisdeplorableaffair，thedisputeoriginatedinthehouseofalovelylady（oneofthemostbrilliantornamentsofourembassy），andthedueltookplaceonthemorningensuing。
\"Thechevalier（thechallengedparty，andthemostaccomplishedamateurswordsmaninParis）waivedhisrightofchoosingtheweapons，andthecombattookplacewithpistols。
\"Thecombatantswereplacedatfortypaces，withdirectionstoadvancetoabarrierwhichseparatedthemonlyeightpaces。Eachwasfurnishedwithtwopistols。Monsieurdel’O———firedalmostimmediately，andtheballtookeffectintheleftwristofhisantagonist，whodroppedthepistolwhichheheldinthathand。Hefired，however，directlywithhisright，andthechevalierfelltotheground，wefearmortallywounded。Aballhasenteredabovehiship—joint，andthereisverylittlehopethathecanrecover。
\"WehaveheardthatthecauseofthisdesperateduelwasablowwhichthechevalierventuredtogivetotheHon。Mr。D。Ifso，thereissomereasonfortheunusualanddeterminedmannerinwhichtheduelwasfought。
\"Mr。Deu——a—ereturnedtohishotel;whitherhisexcellentfather，theRightHon。EarlofCr—bs，immediatelyhastenedonhearingofthesadnews，andisnowbestowingonhissonthemostaffectionateparentalattention。Thenewsonlyreachedhislordshipyesterdayatnoon，whileatbreakfastwithhisExcellencyLordBobtail，ourambassador。Thenobleearlfaintedonreceivingtheintelligence;
butinspiteoftheshocktohisownnervesandhealth，persistedinpassinglastnightbythecouchofhisson。\"
Andsohedid。\"Thisisasadbusiness，Charles，\"saysmylordtome，afterseeinghisson，andsettlinghimselfdowninoursalong。
\"Haveyouanysegarsinthehouse？Andharkye，sendmeupabottleofwineandsomeluncheon。Icancertainlynotleavetheneighborhoodofmydearboy。\"
CHAPTERVII。
THECONSQUINSIES。
Theshevalliaydidnotdie，fortheballcameoutofitsownaccord，inthemidstofaviolentfeverandinflamayshnwhichwasbrotonbythewound。Hewaskeptinbedfor6weeksthough，anddidnotrecoverforalongtimeafter。
Asformaster，hislot，I’msorrytosay，waswussthanthatofhisadvisary。Inflammationcameontoo;and，tomakeanuglystoryshort，theywereobligedtotakeoffhishandattherist。
Heboreit，incors，likeaTrojin，andinamonthhetoowaswell，andhiswoundheel’d;butIneverseeamanlooksolikeadevvleasheusedsometimes，whenhelookeddownatthestump！
Tobesure，inMissGriffinseseyes，thisonlyindeerdhimthemor。
Shesenttwentynoatsadaytoaskforhim，callinghimherbeloved，herunfortunat，herhero，herwictim，andIdonowhat。
I’vekepsomeofthenoats，asItellyou，andcuriouslysentimentletheyare，beatingthesorrowsofMacWhirteralltonothing。
OldCrabsusedtocomeoffen，andconsumedapowerofwineandseagarsatourhouse。IbleavehewasatParisbecausetherewasanexycutioninhisownhouseinEngland;andhissonwasasurefind（astheysay）duringhisillness，andcouldn’tdenyhimselftotheoldgenlmn。HiseveninxmylordspentreglaratLadyGriffin’s;
where，asmasterwasill，Ididn’tgoanymorenow，andwheretheshevalierwasn’ttheretodisturbhim。
\"Youseehowthatwomanhatesyou，Deuceace，\"saysmylord，oneday，inafitofcander，aftertheyhadbeentalkingaboutLadyGriffin：\"SHEHASNOTDONEWITHYOUYET，Itellyoufairly。\"
\"Curseher，\"saysmaster，inafury，liftinguphismaim’darm——
\"curseher！butIwillbeevenwithheroneday。IamsureofMatilda：Itookcaretoputthatbeyondthereachofafailure。
Thegirlmustmarryme，forherownsake。\"
\"FORHEROWNSAKE！Oho！Good，good！\"Mylordliftedhisi’s，andsaidgravely，\"Iunderstand，mydearboy：itisanexcellentplan。\"
\"Well，\"saysmaster，grinningfearcelyandknowinglyathisexlentoldfather，\"asthegirlissafe，whatharmcanIfearfromthefiendofastep—mother？\"
Mylordonlygevalongwhizzle，and，soonafter，takinguphishat，walkedoff。IsawhimsawnterdownthePlasVandome，andgoinquitecalmlytotheolddoorofLadyGriffinseshotel。Blesshisoldface！suchapufficklygood—natured，kind—hearted，merry，selfisholdscoundrel，Inevershallseeagain。
Hislordshipwasquiterightinsayingtomasterthat\"LadyGriffinhadn’tdonewithhim。\"Nomoarshehad。Butsheneverwouldhavethoughtofthenexgameshewasgoingtoplay，IFSOMEBODYHADN’T
PUTHERUPTOIT。Whodid？Ifyouredtheabovepassidge，andsawhowavenrabbleoldgenlmntookhishat，andsauntereddownthePlasVandome（lookinghardandkindatallthenussary—maids——bunstheycalltheminFrance——intheway），Ileaveyoutoguesswhowastheauthorofthenexscheam：awoman，suttnly，neverwouldhavepitchtonit。
InthefusspayperwhichIwroteconcerningMr。Deuceace’sadventers，andhiskindbehayviortoMessrs。DawkinsandBlewitt，Ihadthehonoroflayingbeforethepublicaskidewlofmymaster’sdetts，inwitchwasthefollowingitim：
\"BillsofxchangeandI。O。U。’s，4963L。0s。0d。\"
TheI。O。U。seweretrifling，sayathowsndpound。Thebillsamountidtofourthowsndmoar。
Now，thelorisinFrance，thatifagenlmngivestheseinEngland，andaFrenchgenlmngitstheminanyway，hecanpursewtheEnglishmanwhohasdrawnthem，eventhoughheshouldbeinFrance。
Masterdidnotknowthisfact——laboringunderaverycommonmistak，that，whenonstoutofEngland，hemightwissleatallthedebtsheleftbehindhim。
MyLadyGriffinsentovertoherslissatorsinLondon，whomadearrangemintswiththepersonswhopossestthefinecollectionofortografsonstamptpaperwhichmasterhadleftbehindhim;andtheyweregladenufftotakeanyoppertunityofgettingbacktheirmoney。
Onefinemorning，asIwaslookingaboutinthecourt—yardofourhotel，talkingtotheservant—gals，aswasmyreglarcustom，inordertoimprovemyselfintheFrenchlanguidge，oneofthemcomesuptomeandsays，\"Tenez，MonsieurCharles，downbelowintheofficethereisabailiff，withacoupleofgendarmes，whoisaskingforyourmaster——a—t—ildesdettesparhasard？\"
Iwasstruckallofaheap——thetruthflashtonmymind’shi。
\"Toinette，\"saysI，forthatwasthegal’sname——\"Toinette，\"saysI，givingherakiss，\"keepthemfortwominits，asyouvalyoumyaffeckshn;\"andthenIgaveheranotherkiss，andranupstarestoourchambers。Masterhadnowprettywellrecoveredofhiswound，andwasaloudtodriveabowt：itwasluckyforhimthathehadthestrengthtomove。\"Sir，sir，\"saysI，\"thebailiffsareafteryou，andyoumustrunforyourlife。\"
\"Bailiff？\"sayshe：\"nonsense！Idon’t，thankheaven，oweashillingtoanyman。\"
\"Stuff，sir，\"saysI，forgettingmyrespeck;\"don’tyouowemoneyinEngland？Itellyouthebailiffsarehere，andwillbeonyouinamoment。\"
AsIspoke，clingcling，lingling，goesthebelloftheantyshamber，andtheretheyweresureenough！
Whatwastobedone？Quickaslitening，Ithrowsoffmylivrycoat，clapsmygooldlacehatonmaster’shead，andmakeshimputonmylivry。ThenIwrapsmyselfupinhisdressing—gown，andlollingdownonthesofa，bidshimopenthedor。
Theretheywere——thebailiff——twojondarmswithhim——Toinette，andanoldwaiter。WhenToinetteseesmaster，shesmiles，andsays：
\"Disdonc，Charles！ouestdonctonmaitre？Chezlui，n’est—cepas？C’estlejeuneamonsieur，\"saysshe，curtsyingtothebailiff。
Theoldwaiterwasjusta—goingtoblurtout，\"Maiscen’estpas！\"
whenToinettestopshim，andsays，\"Laissezdoncpassercesmessieurs，vieuxbete;\"andintheywalk，the2jond’armstakingtheirpostinthehall。
Masterthrowsopenthesalongdoarverygravely，andtouchingMY
hatsays，\"Haveyouanyordersaboutthecab，sir？\"
\"Why，no，Chawls，\"saysI;\"Ishan’tdriveoutto—day。\"
Theoldbailiffgrinned，forheunderstoodEnglish（havinghadplentyofEnglishcustomers），andsaysinFrench，asmastergoesout，\"Ithink，sir，youhadbetterletyourservantgetacoach，forIamunderthepainfulnecessityofarrestingyou，aunomdelaloi，forthesumofninety—eightthousandsevenhundredfrancs，owedbyyoutotheSieurJacquesFrancoisLebrun，ofParis;\"andhepullsoutanumberofbills，withmaster’sacceptancesonthemsureenough。
\"Takeachair，sir，\"saysI;anddownhesits;andIbegantochaffhim，aswellasIcould，abouttheweather，myillness，mysadaxdent，havinglostoneofmyhands，whichwasstuckintomybusum，andsoon。
Atlast，afteraminnitortwo，Icouldcontanenolonger，andbustoutinahorselaff。
Theoldfellowturnedquitepail，andbegantosuspectsomethink。
\"Hola！\"sayshe;\"gendarmes！amoi！amoi！Jesuisfloue，vole，\"
whichmeans，inEnglish，thathewasreglarsold。
Thejondarmesjumpedintotheroom，andsodidToinetteandthewaiter。Graseflyrisingfrommyarm—chare，Itookmyhandfrommydressing—gownd，and，flingingitopen，stuckuponthechaironeoftheneatestlegseverseen。
Ithenpintedmajestickly——towhatdoyouthink？——tomyPLUSH
TITES！thosesellabratedinigspressableswhichhaverenderedmefamousinYourope。
Takingthehint，thejondarmesandtheservntsrordoutlaffing;
andsodidCharlesYellowplush，Esquire，Icantellyou。OldGrippardthebailifflookedasifhewouldfaintinhischare。
Iheardakabgallopinglikemadoutofthehotel—gate，andknewthenthatmymasterwassafe。
CHAPTERVIII。
THEENDOFMR。DEUCEACE’SHISTORY。LIMBO。
Mytailisdroringrabidlytoaclose;mysuvvicewithMr。Deuceacedidn’tcontinyouverylongafterthelastchapter，inwhichI
describedmyadmiralstrattyjam，andmysinglarself—devocean。
There’sveryfewservnts，Icantellyou，who’dhavethoughtofsuchacontrivance，andveryfewmoarwouldhaveeggsycuteditwhenthoughtof。
But，afterall，beyondthetriflingadvantichtomyselfinsellingmaster’sroabdesham，whichyou，gentlereader，mayrememberI
woar，andindixcoveringafipunnoteinoneofthepockets，——
beyondthis，Isay，therewastopoarmasterverylittleadvantichinwhathadbeendone。It’struehehadescaped。Verygood。ButFransisnotlikeGreatBrittin;amaninalivrycoat，with1arm，isprettyeasilyknown，andcaught，too，asIcantellyou。
Suchwasthecasewithmaster。HecoodnleaveParis，moarover，ifhewould。Whatwastobecome，inthatcase，ofhisbride——hisunchbackedhairis？Heknewthatyounglady’stemprimong（astheParisherssay）toowelltoletherlongoutofhissite。Shehadninethousandayer。She’dbeeninloveaduzntimesbefor，andmitebeagin。TheHonrabbleAlgernonDeuceacewasalittletoowideawaketotrustmuchtotheconstnsyofsoveryinflammableayoungcreacher。Heavnblessus，itwasamarycleshewasn’tearliermarried！Idobleave（fromsuttnseansthatpastbetwigstus）thatshe’dhavemarriedme，ifshehadn’tbeensejuicedbythesupearorrankandindianuityofthegenlmninwhosesurvaceIwas。
Well，touseacomminigspreshn，thebeakswereafterhim。Howwashetomanitch？Hecoodngetawayfromhisdebts，andhewoodenquitthefareobjictofhisaffeckshns。Hewasableejd，then，astheFrenchsay，tolieperdew，——goingoutatnight，likeahowloutofahivy—bush，andreturninginthedaytimetohisroast。ForitsamaxuminFrance（andIwooditwerefollowedinIngland），thatafterdarknomanislibleforhisdetts;andinanyoftheroyalgardens——theTwillaries，thePallyRoil，ortheLucksimbug，forexample——amanmaywanderfromsunrisetoevening，andhearnothingoftheojusdunns：theyan’tadmittedintotheseplacesofpublicenjymentandrondyvooanymorethandogs;thecenturiesatthegarden—gateshavingorderstoshuitallsuch。
Master，then，wasinthisuncomfrablesituation——neitherlikingtogonortostay！peepingoutatnightstohaveaninterviewwithhismiss;ableagdtoshuffleoffherrepeatedquestionsastothereasonofallthisdisgeise，andtotalkofhistwothowsndayearjestasifhehaditanddidn’toweashillingintheworld。
Ofcourse，now，hebegantogrowmightyeagerforthemarritch。
Heroatasmanynoatsasshehaddonebefor;swoaragainstdelayandcerymony;talkedofthepleasuresofHyming，theardshipthattheardoroftwoartsshouldbeallowedtoigspire，thefollyofwaitingfortheconsentofLadyGriffin。Shewasbutastep—
mother，andanunkindone。Misswas（hesaid）amajor，mightmarrywhomsheliked;andsuttnlyhadpaidLadyG。quiteasmuchattentionassheought，bypayingherthecomplimenttoaskheratall。
Andsotheywenton。Thecuriousthingwas，thatwhenmasterwaspressedabouthiscausefornotcomingouttillnight—time，hewasmisterus;andMissGriffin，whenaskedwhyshewoodenmarry，igsprest，orrather，DIDN’Tigspress，asimlarsecrasy。Wasn’tithard？thecupseemedtobeatthelipofbothof’em，andyetsomehow，theycouldnotmanitchtotakeadrink。
Butonemorning，inreplytoamostdespratepistolwrotebymymasterovernight，Deuceace，delighted，gitsananswerfromhissoal’sbeluffd，whichranthus：——
MISSGRIFFINTOTHEHON。A。P。DEUCEACE。
\"DEAREST，——Yousayyouwouldshareacottagewithme;thereisnoneed，luckily，forthat！Youpleadthesadsinkingofyourspiritsatourdelayedunion。Beloved，doyouthinkMYheartrejoicesatourseparation？YoubidmedisregardtherefusalofLadyGriffin，andtellmethatIowehernofurtherduty。
\"AdoredAlgernon！Icanrefuseyounomore。Iwaswillingnottoloseasinglechanceofreconciliationwiththisunnaturalstep—
mother。Respectforthememoryofmysaintedfatherbidmedoallinmypowertogainherconsenttomyunionwithyou：nay，shallI
ownit？prudencedictatedthemeasure;fortowhomshouldsheleavetheshareofmoneyaccordedtoherbymyfather’swillbuttomyfather’schild。
\"Butthereareboundsbeyondwhichnoforbearancecango;and，thankheaven，wehavenoneedoflookingtoLadyGriffinforsordidwealth：wehaveacompetencywithouther。Isitnotso，dearestAlgernon？
\"Beitasyouwish，then，dearest，bravest，andbest。YourpoorMatildahasyieldedtoyouherheartlongago;shehasnolongerneedtokeepbackhername。Namethehour，andIwilldelaynomore;butseekforrefugeinyourarmsfromthecontumelyandinsultwhichmeetmeeverhere。
\"MATILDA。
\"P。S。Oh，Algernon！ifyoudidbutknowwhatanoblepartyourdearfatherhasactedthroughout，indoinghisbestendeavorstofurtherourplans，andtosoftenLadyGriffin！Itisnothisfaultthatsheisinexorableassheis。IsendyouanotesentbyhertoLordCrabs;wewilllaughatitsoon，n’est—cepas？
II。
\"MYLORD，——InreplytoyourdemandforMissGriffin’shand，infavorofyourson，Mr。AlgernonDeuceace，IcanonlyrepeatwhatI
beforehavebeenunderthenecessityofstatingtoyou，——thatIdonotbelieveaunionwithapersonofMr。Deuceace’scharacterwouldconducetomystepdaughter’shappiness，andthereforeREFUSEMY
CONSENT。IwillbegyoutocommunicatethecontentsofthisnotetoMr。Deuceace;andimploreyounomoretotouchuponasubjectwhichyoumustbeawareisdeeplypainfultome。
\"Iremainyourlordship’smosthumbleservant，\"L。E。GRIFFIN。
\"THERIGHTHON。THEEARLOFCRABS。\"
\"Hangherladyship！\"saysmymaster，\"whatcareIforit？\"Asfortheoldlordwho’dbeensoafishousinhiskindnessandadvice，masterrecknsiledthatprettywell，withthinkingthathislordshipknewhewasgoingtomarrytenthousandayear，andigspectedtogetsomeshareofit;forheroatbackthefollowinglettertohisfather，aswellasaflamingonetoMiss：
\"Thankyou，mydearfather，foryourkindnessinthatawkwardbusiness。YouknowhowpainfullyIamsituatedjustnow，andcanprettywellguessBOTHTHECAUSESofmydisquiet。AmarriagewithmybelovedMatildawillmakemethehappiestofmen。Thedeargirlconsents，andlaughsatthefoolishpretensionsofhermother—in—
law。Totellyouthetruth，Iwondersheyieldedtothemsolong。
Carryyourkindnessastepfurther，andfindforusaparson，alicense，andmakeustwointoone。Wearebothmajor，youknow;sothattheceremonyofaguardian’sconsentisunnecessary。
\"Youraffectionate\"ALGERNONDEUCEACE。
\"HowIregretthatdifferencebetweenussometimeback！Mattersarechangednow，andshallbemorestillAFTERTHEMARRIAGE。\"
Iknewwhatmymastermeant，——thathewouldgivetheoldlordthemoneyafterhewasmarried;andasitwasprobblethatmisswouldseetheletterheroat，hemadeitsuchasnottoletherseetwoclearlyintohispresentuncomfrablesituation。
ItookthisletteralongwiththetenderoneforMiss，readingbothof’em，incourse，bytheway。Miss，ongettinghers，gaveaninegspressablelookwiththewhiteofheri’s，kisttheletter，andprestittoherbusm。LordCrabsreadhisquitecalm，andthentheyfella—talkingtogether;andtoldmetowaitawhile，andI
shouldgitananser。
Afteradealofcounseltation，mylordbroughtoutacard，andtherewassimplywrittenonit，To—morrow，attheAmbassador’s，atTwelve。
\"Carrythatbacktoyourmaster，Chawls，\"sayshe，\"andbidhimnottofail。\"
YoumaybesureIsteptbacktohimprettyquick，andgavehimthecardandthemessinge。Masterlookedsattasfiedwithboth;butsuttnlynotoverhappy;nomanisthedaybeforehismarridge;muchmorehismarridgewithahump—back，Harrissthoughshebe。
Well，ashewasa—goingtodepartthisbachelorlife，hedidwhateverymaninsuchsuckmstancesoughttodo;hemadehiswill，——thatis，hemadeadispasitionofhisproperty，andwroteletterstohiscreditorstellingthemofhisluckychance;andthatafterhismarridgehewouldsutnlypaythemeverystiver。BEFORE，theymustknowhispovvatywellenoughtobesurethatpaymintwasoutofthequestion。
Todohimjustas，heseam’dtobeinclinedtodothethingthatwasright，nowthatitdidn’tputhimtoanyinkinvenientstodoso。
\"Chawls，\"sayshe，handingmeoveratenpun—note，\"here’syourwagis，andthankyouforgettingmeoutofthescrapewiththebailiffs：whenyouaremarried，youshallbemyvaletoutofliv’ry，andI’lltrebleyoursalary。\"
Hisvallit！prapshisbutler！Yes，thoughtI，here’sachance——avallittotenthousandayear。Nothingtodobuttoshavehim，andreadhisnotes，andletmywhiskersgrow;todressinspickandspanblack，andacleanshutperday;muffingseverynightinthehousekeeper’sroom;thepickofthegalsintheservants’hall;achaptocleanmybootsforme，andmymaster’soperabonereglaronceaweek。Iknewwhatavallitwasaswellasanygenlmninservice;andthisIcantellyou，he’sgenrallyahapier，idler，handsomer，morgenlmnlymanthanhismaster。Hehasmoremoneytospend，forgenlmnWILLleavetheirsilverintheirwaistcoatpockets;moresuxessamongthegals;asgooddinners，andasgoodwine——thatis，ifhe’sfriendswiththebutler：andfriendsincorsetheywillbeiftheyknowwhichwaytheirinterestlies。
Buttheseareonlycasselsintheair，whattheFrenchcallshutterd’Espang。Itwasn’troatinthebookoffatethatIwastobeMr。
Deuceace’svallit。
Dayswillpassatlast——evendaysbeforawedding，（thelongistandunpleasantistdayinthewholeofaman’slife，Icantellyou，excep，maybe，thedaybeforehishanging）;andatlengthAroarerdawnedonthesuspiciousmorningwhichwastouniteinthebondsofHymingtheHonrableAlgernonPercyDeuceace，Exquire，andMissMatildaGriffin。Mymaster’swardrobewasn’tsorichasithadbeen;forhe’dleftthewholeofhisnicknaxandtrumpryofdressing—casesandrobdyshams，hisbewtiflemuseumofvarnishedboots，hiscurouscolleckshnofStulzandStaubcoats，whenhehadbeenableagedtoquitsosuddnlyourporedearlodginxattheHotelMirabew;andbeingincogatafriend’shouse，adcontentidhimselfwithordringacoopleofshootsofclovesfromacommontailor，withasuffishntquantatyoflinning。
Well，heputonthebestofhiscoats——ablue;andIthoughtitmydutytoaskhimwhetherhe’dwanthisfrockagain：hewasgoodnaturedandsaid，\"Takeitandbehangedtoyou。\"Half—pasteleveno’clockcame，andIwassenttolookoutatthedoor，iftherewereanysuspiciouscharicters（apreciousgoodnoseIhavetofindabailiffout，Icantellyou，andaniwhichwillalmostseeoneroundacorner）;andpresenlyaverymodestgreenglasscoachdroaveup，andinmasterstept。Ididn’tincorse，appearonthebox;because，beingknown，myappearintsmighthavecompromisedmaster。ButItookashortcut，andwalkedasquickasposbildowntotheRuedeFoburgSt。Honore，wherehisexlnsytheEnglishambasdorlives，andwheremarridgesarealwaysperformedbetwigstEnglishfolkatParis……
Thereis，almostnexdoortotheambasdor’shotel，anotherhotel，ofthatlokindwhichtheFrenchcallcabbyrays，orwine—houses;
andjestasmaster’sgreenglass—coachpulledup，anothercoachdroveoff，outofwhichcametwoladies，whomIknewprettywell，——
suffiz，thatonehadahumpback，andtheingeniousreaderwillknowwhySHEcamethere;theotherwaspoorMissKicksey，whocametoseeherturnedoff。
Well，master’sglass—coachdroavup，jestasIgotwithinafewyardsofthedoor;ourcarridge，Isay，droavup，andstopt。Downgitscoachmintoopenthedoor，andcomesItogiveMr。Deuceaceanarm，whenoutofthecabarayshootfourfellows，anddrawupbetwigstthecoachandembassy—doar;twootherchapsgototheotherdoarofthecarridge，and，openingit，onesays——\"Rendez—
vous，M。Deuceace！Jevousarreteaunomdelaloi！\"（whichmeans，\"Getoutofthat，Mr。D。;youarenabbedandnomistake。\"）Masterturnedgashlypail，andsprungtotheothersideofthecoach，asifaserpinthadstunghim。Heflungopenthedoor，andwasformakingoffthatway;buthesawthefourchapsstandingbetwigstlibbartyandhim。Heslamsdownthefrontwindow，andscreamsout，\"Fouettez，cocher！\"（whichmeans，\"Goit，coachmm！\"inadespertloudvoice;butcoachminwoodengoit，andbesideswasoffhisbox。
Thelongandshortofthematterwas，thatjestasIcameuptothedoortwoofthebumsjumpedintothecarridge。Isawall;Iknewmyduty，andsoverymornflyIgotupbehind。
\"Tiens，\"saysoneofthechapsinthestreet;\"c’estcedrolequinousaflourel’autrejour。\"Iknew’em，butwastoomelumcollytosmile。
\"Ouirons—nousdonc？\"sayscoachmintothegenlmnwhohadgotinside。
Adeepwoicefromtheintearorshoutedout，inreplytothecoachmin，\"ASAINTEPELAGIE！\"……
Andnow，praps，IottodixcribetoyouthehumorsofthepriznofSaintePelagie，whichistheFrenchforFleat，orQueen’sBentch：
butonthissubjectI’mrathershyofwriting，partlybecausetheadmiralBozhas，inthehistoryofMr。Pickwick，madesuchadixcripshunofaprizn，thatminewoodenreadveryamyousinglyafterwids;and，also，because，totellyouthetruth，Ididn’tstaylonginit，beingnotinahumertowaistmyigsistancebypassingawaytheearsofmyyouthinsuchadullplace。
Myfusterrintnowwas，asyoumayphansy，tocarryanoatfrommastertohisdestinedbride。Thepoarthingwassadlytakenaback，asIcantellyou，whenshefound，afterremainingtwohoursattheEmbassy，thatherhusbanddidn’tmakehisappearance。Andso，afterstayingonandon，andyetseeingnohusband，shewasforsedatlasttotrudgedishconslithome，whereIwasalreadywaitingforherwithaletterfrommymaster。
Therewasnousenowdenyingthefactofhisarrest，andsoheconfestitatonst：buthemadeacock—and—bullstoryoftreacheryofafriend，infimousfodgery，andheavenknowswhat。However，itdidn’tmattermuch;ifhehadtoldherthathehadbeenbetrayedbythemaninthemoon，shewouldhavebleavdhim。
LadyGriffinneverusedtoappearnowatanyofmyvisits。Shekeponedrawing—room，andMissdinedandlivedaloneinanother;theyquarldsomuchthatprapsitwasbesttheyshouldliveapart;onlymyLordCrabsusedtoseeboth，comfortingeachwiththatwinningandinnsntwayhehad。HecameinasMiss，intears，waslisningtomyaccountofmaster’sseazure，andhopingthattheprisnwasn’tahorridplace，withanastyhorriddunjeon，andadreadflejailer，andnastyhorridbreadandwater。Lawblessus！shehadborrodherideersfromthenovvlesshehadbeenreading！
\"Omylord，mylord，\"saysshe，\"haveyouheardthisfatalstory？\"
\"DearestMatilda，what？Forheaven’ssake，youalarmme！What——
yes——no——isit——no，itcan’tbe！Speak！\"saysmylord，seizingmebythecholerofmycoat。\"Whathashappenedtomyboy？\"
\"Pleaseyou，mylord，\"saysI，\"he’satthismomentinprisn，nowuss，——havingbeenincarseratedabouttwohoursago。\"
\"Inprison！Algernoninprison！’tisimpossible！Imprisoned，forwhatsum？Mentionit，andIwillpaytotheutmostfarthinginmypower。\"
\"I’msureyourlordshipisverykind，\"saysI（recklectingtheseanbetwixgsthimandmaster，whomhewantedtodiddiloutofathowsandlb。）;\"andyou’llhehappytohearhe’sonlyinforatrifle。Fivethousandpoundis，Ithink，prettynearthemark。\"
\"Fivethousandpounds！——confusion！\"saysmylord，claspinghishands，andlookinguptoheaven，\"andIhavenotfivehundred！
DearestMatilda，howshallwehelphim？\"
\"Alas，mylord，Ihavebutthreeguineas，andyouknowhowLadyGriffinhasthe——\"
\"Yes，mysweetchild，Iknowwhatyouwouldsay;butbeofgoodcheer——Algernon，youknow，hasamplefundsofhisown。\"
ThinkingmylordmeantDawkins’sfivethousand，ofwhich，tobesure，agoodlumpwasleft，Iheldmytung;butIcoodenhelpwonderingatLordCrabs’sigstreamcompashnforhisson，andMiss，withher10，000L。ayear，havingonly3guineasisherpockit。
Itookhome（blessus，whatahome！）alongandveryinflambleletterfromMiss，inwhichshedixscribedherownsorroratthedisappointment;swoarshelov’dhimonlythemoarforhismisfortns;madelightofthem;asapussonforapaltrysumoffivethousandpoundoughtnevertobecastdown，’speciallyashehadacertainindependenceinview;andvowedthatnothing，nothing，shouldeverinjuicehertopartfromhim，etsettler，etsettler。
Itoldmasteroftheconversationwhichhadpastbetwigstmeandmylord，andofhishandsomeoffers，andhishorrowathearingofhisson’sbeingtaken;andlikewisementionedhowstrangeitwasthatMissshouldonlyhave3guineas，andwithsuchafortn：blessus，I
shouldhavethotthatshewouldalwayshavecarriedahundredthowsndlb。inherpockit！
AtthismasteronlysaidPshaw！Buttherestofthestoryabouthisfatherseemedtodixquiethimagooddeal，andhemademerepeatitoveragin。
Hewalkedupanddowntheroomagytated，anditseam’dasifanewlitewasbreakinginuponhim。
\"Chawls，\"sayshe，\"didyouobserve——didMiss——didmyfatherseemPARTICULARLYINTIMATEwithMissGriffin？\"
\"Howdoyoumean，sir？\"saysI。
\"DidLordCrabsappearveryfondofMissGriffin？\"
\"Hewassuttnlyverykindtoher。\"
\"Come，sir，speakatonce：didMissGriffinseemveryfondofhislordship？\"
\"Why，totellthetruth，sir，ImustsaysheseemedVERYfondofhim。\"
\"Whatdidhecallher？\"
\"Hecalledherhisdearestgal。\"
\"Didhetakeherhand？\"
\"Yes，andhe——\"
\"Andhewhat？\"
\"Hekisther，andtoldhernottobesowerydown—heartedaboutthemisfortnwhichhadhapndtoyou。\"
\"Ihaveitnow！\"sayshe，clinchinghisfist，andgrowinggashlypail——\"Ihaveitnow——theinfernaloldhoaryscoundrel！thewicked，unnaturalwretch！Hewouldtakeherfromme！\"Andhepouredoutavolleyofoaveswhichareimpossbilltoberepeatidhere。
Ithotasmuchlongago：andwhenmylordkemwithhisvizitssopretiousaffeckshntatmyLadyGriffinses，Iexpectedsomesuchgamewasinthewind。Indeed，I’dheardasomethinkofitfromtheGriffinsesservnts，thatmylordwasmightytenderwiththeladies。
Onething，however，wasevidenttoamanofhisintleckshalcapassaties;hemusteithermarrythegalatonst，orhestoodverysmallchanceofhavingher。Hemustgetoutoflimboimmediantly，orhisrespectidfathermightbesteppingintohisvaykintshoes。
Oh！hesawitallnow——thefustattemptatarest，themarridgefixtat12o’clock，andthebayliffsfixttocomeandintarupthemarridge！——thejewel，praps，betwigsthimandDel’Orge：butno，itwastheWOMANwhodidthat——aMANdon’tdealsuchfowlblows，igspeciallyafathertohisson：awomanmay，poarthing！——she’snoothermeansofreventch，andisusedtofightwithunderhandwepnsallherlifethrough。