Shewasengagedforthesecondcountrydance,butpromisedmethethird,andassuredme,withthemostagreeablefreedom,thatshewasveryfondofwaltzing.\"Itisthecustomhere,\"shesaid,\"forthepreviouspartnerstowaltztogether;butmypartnerisanindifferentwaltzer,andwillfeeldelightedifIsavehimthetrouble.Yourpartnerisnotallowedtowaltz,and,indeed,isequallyincapable:butIobservedduringthecountrydancethatyouwaltzwell;so,ifyouwillwaltzwithme,Ibegyouwouldproposeittomypartner,andIwillproposeittoyours.\"Weagreed,anditwasarrangedthatourpartnersshouldmutuallyentertaineachother.
Wesetoff,and,atfirst,delightedourselveswiththeusualgracefulmotionsofthearms.Withwhatgrace,withwhatease,shemoved!Whenthewaltzcommenced,andthedancerswhirledaroundeachotherinthegiddymaze,therewassomeconfusion,owingtotheincapacityofsomeofthedancers.Wejudiciouslyremainedstill,allowingtheotherstowearythemselves;and,whentheawkwarddancershadwithdrawn,wejoinedin,andkeptitupfamouslytogetherwithoneothercouple,——Andranandhispartner.NeverdidIdancemorelightly.
Ifeltmyselfmorethanmortal,holdingthisloveliestofcreaturesinmyarms,flying,withherasrapidlyasthewind,tillIlostsightofeveryotherobject;andOWilhelm,Ivowedatthatmoment,thatamaidenwhomIloved,orforwhomIfelttheslightestattachment,never,nevershouldwaltzwithanyoneelsebutwithme,ifIwenttoperditionforit!——youwillunderstandthis.
Wetookafewturnsintheroomtorecoverourbreath.Charlottesatdown,andfeltrefreshedbypartakingofsomeorangeswhichIhadhadsecured,——theonlyonesthathadbeenleft;butateveryslicewhich,frompoliteness,sheofferedtoherneighbours,Ifeltasthoughadaggerwentthroughmyheart.
Wewerethesecondcoupleinthethirdcountrydance.Asweweregoingdown(andHeavenknowswithwhatecstasyIgazedatherarmsandeyes,beamingwiththesweetestfeelingofpureandgenuineenjoyment),wepassedaladywhomIhadnoticedforhercharmingexpressionofcountenance;althoughshewasnolongeryoung.ShelookedatCharlottewithasmile,then,holdingupherfingerinathreateningattitude,repeatedtwiceinaverysignificanttoneofvoicethenameof\"Albert.\"
\"WhoisAlbert,\"saidItoCharlotte,\"ifitisnotimpertinenttoask?\"Shewasabouttoanswer,whenwewereobligedtoseparate,inordertoexecuteafigureinthedance;and,aswecrossedoveragaininfrontofeachother,Iperceivedshelookedsomewhatpensive.\"WhyneedIconcealitfromyou?\"shesaid,asshegavemeherhandforthepromenade.\"Albertisaworthyman,towhomIamengaged.\"Now,therewasnothingnewtomeinthis(forthegirlshadtoldmeofitontheway);butitwassofarnewthatIhadnotthoughtofitinconnectionwithherwhom,insoshortatime,Ihadlearnedtoprizesohighly.Enough,Ibecameconfused,gotoutinthefigure,andoccasionedgeneralconfusion;sothatitrequiredallCharlotte\'spresenceofmindtosetmerightbypullingandpushingmeintomyproperplace.
Thedancewasnotyetfinishedwhenthelightningwhichhadforsometimebeenseeninthehorizon,andwhichIhadassertedtoproceedentirelyfromheat,grewmoreviolent;andthethunderwasheardabovethemusic.Whenanydistressorterrorsurprisesusinthemidstofouramusements,itnaturallymakesadeeperimpressionthanatothertimes,eitherbecausethecontrastmakesusmorekeenlysusceptible,orratherperhapsbecauseoursensesarethenmoreopentoimpressions,andtheshockisconsequentlystronger.TothiscauseImustascribethefrightandshrieksoftheladies.Onesagaciouslysatdowninacornerwithherbacktothewindow,andheldherfingerstoherears;asecondkneltdownbeforeher,andhidherfaceinherlap;athirdthrewherselfbetweenthem,andembracedhersisterwithathousandtears;someinsistedongoinghome;others,unconsciousoftheiractions,wantedsufficientpresenceofmindtorepresstheimpertinenceoftheiryoungpartners,whosoughttodirecttothemselvesthosesighswhichthelipsofouragitatedbeautiesintendedforheaven.Someofthegentlemenhadgonedown-stairstosmokeaquietcigar,andtherestofthecompanygladlyembracedahappysuggestionofthehostesstoretireintoanotherroomwhichwasprovidedwithshuttersandcurtains.Wehadhardlygotthere,whenCharlotteplacedthechairsinacircle;and,whenthecompanyhadsatdownincompliancewithherrequest,sheforthwithproposedaroundgame.
Inoticedsomeofthecompanypreparetheirmouthsanddrawthemselvesupattheprospectofsomeagreeableforfeit.\"Letusplayatcounting,\"saidCharlotte.\"Now,payattention:Ishallgoroundthecirclefromrighttoleft;andeachpersonistocount,oneaftertheother,thenumberthatcomestohim,andmustcountfast;whoeverstopsormistakesistohaveaboxontheear,andsoon,tillwehavecountedathousand.\"Itwasdelightfultoseethefun.Shewentroundthecirclewithupraisedarm.\"One,\"saidthefirst;\"two,\"thesecond;\"three,\"thethird;andsoon,tillCharlottewentfasterandfaster.Onemadeamistake,instantlyaboxontheear;and,amidthelaughterthatensued,cameanotherbox;andsoon,fasterandfaster.Imyselfcameinfortwo.Ifanciedtheywereharderthantherest,andfeltquitedelighted.Agenerallaughterandconfusionputanendtothegamelongbeforewehadcountedasfarasathousand.Thepartybrokeupintolittleseparateknots:thestormhadceased,andIfollowedCharlotteintotheballroom.Onthewayshesaid,\"Thegamebanishedtheirfearsofthestorm.\"Icouldmakenoreply.\"Imyself,\"shecontinued,\"wasasmuchfrightenedasanyofthem;butbyaffectingcourage,tokeepupthespiritsoftheothers,Iforgotmyapprehensions.\"Wewenttothewindow.Itwasstillthunderingatadistance:asoftrainwaspouringdownoverthecountry,andfilledtheairarounduswithdeliciousodours.Charlotteleanedforwardonherarm;hereyeswanderedoverthescene;sheraisedthemtothesky,andthenturnedthemuponme;theyweremoistenedwithtears;sheplacedherhandonmineandsaid,\"Klopstock!\"atonceIrememberedthemagnificentodewhichwasinherthoughts:Ifeltoppressedwiththeweightofmysensations,andsankunderthem.ItwasmorethanIcouldbear.Ibentoverherhand,kisseditinastreamofdelicioustears,andagainlookeduptohereyes.DivineKlopstock!whydidstthounotseethyapotheosisinthoseeyes?Andthynamesooftenprofaned,wouldthatIneverhearditrepeated!
JUNE19.
InolongerrememberwhereIstoppedinmynarrative:IonlyknowitwastwointhemorningwhenIwenttobed;andifyouhadbeenwithme,thatImighthavetalkedinsteadofwritingtoyou,Ishould,inallprobability,havekeptyouuptilldaylight.
IthinkIhavenotyetrelatedwhathappenedaswerodehomefromtheball,norhaveItimetotellyounow.Itwasamostmagnificentsunrise:thewholecountrywasrefreshed,andtherainfelldropbydropfromthetreesintheforest.Ourcompanionswereasleep.CharlotteaskedmeifIdidnotwishtosleepalso,andbeggedofmenottomakeanyceremonyonheraccount.Lookingsteadfastlyather,Ianswered,\"AslongasIseethoseeyesopen,thereisnofearofmyfallingasleep.\"Webothcontinuedawaketillwereachedherdoor.Themaidopeneditsoftly,andassuredher,inanswertoherinquiries,thatherfatherandthechildrenwerewell,andstillsleeping.Ileftheraskingpermissiontovisitherinthecourseoftheday.Sheconsented,andIwent,and,sincethattime,sun,moon,andstarsmaypursuetheircourse:Iknownotwhetheritisdayornight;thewholeworldisnothingtome.
JUNE21.
MydaysareashappyasthosereservedbyGodforhiselect;and,whateverbemyfatehereafter,IcanneversaythatIhavenottastedjoy,——thepurestjoyoflife.YouknowWalheim.Iamnowcompletelysettledthere.InthatspotIamonlyhalfaleaguefromCharlotte;andthereIenjoymyself,andtasteallthepleasurewhichcanfalltothelotofman.
LittledidIimagine,whenIselectedWalheimformypedestrianexcursions,thatallheavenlaysonearit.Howofteninmywanderingsfromthehillsideorfromthemeadowsacrosstheriver,haveIbeheldthishunting-lodge,whichnowcontainswithinitallthejoyofmyheart!
Ihaveoften,mydearWilhelm,reflectedontheeagernessmenfeeltowanderandmakenewdiscoveries,anduponthatsecretimpulsewhichafterwardinclinesthemtoreturntotheirnarrowcircle,conformtothelawsofcustom,andembarrassthemselvesnolongerwithwhatpassesaroundthem.
Itissostrangehow,whenIcameherefirst,andgazeduponthatlovelyvalleyfromthehillside,Ifeltcharmedwiththeentirescenesurroundingme.Thelittlewoodopposite——howdelightfultositunderitsshade!Howfinetheviewfromthatpointofrock!Then,thatdelightfulchainofhills,andtheexquisitevalleysattheirfeet!CouldIbutwanderandlosemyselfamongstthem!Iwent,andreturnedwithoutfindingwhatIwished.Distance,myfriend,islikefuturity.Adimvastnessisspreadbeforeoursouls:theperceptionsofourmindareasobscureasthoseofourvision;andwedesireearnestlytosurrenderupourwholebeing,thatitmaybefilledwiththecompleteandperfectblissofonegloriousemotion.Butalas!whenwehaveattainedourobject,whenthedistanttherebecomesthepresenthere,allischanged:weareaspoorandcircumscribedasever,andoursoulsstilllanguishforunattainablehappiness.
Sodoestherestlesstravellerpantforhisnativesoil,andfindinhisowncottage,inthearmsofhiswife,intheaffectionsofhischildren,andinthelabournecessaryfortheirsupport,thathappinesswhichhehadsoughtinvainthroughthewideworld.
When,inthemorningatsunrise,IgoouttoWalheim,andwithmyownhandsgatherinthegardenthepeasewhicharetoserveformydinner,whenIsitdowntoshellthem,andreadmyHomerduringtheintervals,andthen,selectingasaucepanfromthekitchen,fetchmyownbutter,putmymessonthefire,coveritup,andsitdowntostiritasoccasionrequires,IfiguretomyselftheillustrioussuitorsofPenelope,killing,dressing,andpreparingtheirownoxenandswine.Nothingfillsmewithamorepureandgenuinesenseofhappinessthanthosetraitsofpatriarchallifewhich,thankHeaven!Icanimitatewithoutaffectation.Happyisit,indeed,formethatmyheartiscapableoffeelingthesamesimpleandinnocentpleasureasthepeasantwhosetableiscoveredwithfoodofhisownrearing,andwhonotonlyenjoyshismeal,butrememberswithdelightthehappydaysandsunnymorningswhenheplantedit,thesofteveningswhenhewateredit,andthepleasureheexperiencedinwatchingitsdailygrowth.
JUNE29.
Thedaybeforeyesterday,thephysiciancamefromthetowntopayavisittothejudge.HefoundmeonthefloorplayingwithCharlotte\'schildren.Someofthemwerescramblingoverme,andothersrompedwithme;and,asIcaughtandtickledthem,theymadeagreatnoise.Thedoctorisaformalsortofpersonage:headjuststheplaitsofhisruffles,andcontinuallysettleshisfrillwhilstheistalkingtoyou;andhethoughtmyconductbeneaththedignityofasensibleman.Icouldperceivethisbyhiscountenance.ButIdidnotsuffermyselftobedisturbed.Iallowedhimtocontinuehiswiseconversation,whilstIrebuiltthechildren\'scardhousesforthemasfastastheythrewthemdown.Hewentaboutthetownafterward,complainingthatthejudge\'schildrenwerespoiledenoughbefore,butthatnowWertherwascompletelyruiningthem.Yes,mydearWilhelm,nothingonthisearthaffectsmyheartsomuchaschildren.WhenIlookonattheirdoings;whenImarkinthelittlecreaturestheseedsofallthosevirtuesandqualitieswhichtheywillonedayfindsoindispensable;whenIbeholdintheobstinateallthefuturefirmnessandconstancyofanoblecharacter;inthecapricious,thatlevityandgaietyoftemperwhichwillcarrythemlightlyoverthedangersandtroublesoflife,theirwholenaturesimpleandunpolluted,——thenIcalltomindthegoldenwordsoftheGreatTeacherofmankind,\"Unlessyebecomelikeoneofthese!\"Andnow,myfriend,thesechildren,whoareourequals,whomweoughttoconsiderasourmodels,wetreatthemasthoughtheywereoursubjects.Theyareallowednowilloftheirown.Andhavewe,then,noneourselves?Whencecomesourexclusiveright?Isitbecauseweareolderandmoreexperienced?GreatGod!fromtheheightofthyheaventhoubeholdestgreatchildrenandlittlechildren,andnoothers;andthySonhaslongsincedeclaredwhichaffordtheegreatestpleasure.Buttheybelieveinhim,andhearhimnot,——that,too,isanoldstory;andtheytraintheirchildrenaftertheirownimage,etc.Adieu,Wilhelm:Iwillnotfurtherbewildermyselfwiththissubject.
JULY1.
TheconsolationCharlottecanbringtoaninvalidIexperiencefrommyownheart,whichsuffersmorefromherabsencethanmanyapoorcreaturelingeringonabedofsickness.Sheisgonetospendafewdaysinthetownwithaveryworthywoman,whoisgivenoverbythephysicians,andwishestohaveCharlottenearherinherlastmoments.IaccompaniedherlastweekonavisittotheVicarofS——,asmallvillageinthemountains,aboutaleaguehence.Wearrivedaboutfouro\'clock:Charlottehadtakenherlittlesisterwithher.Whenweenteredthevicaragecourt,wefoundthegoodoldmansittingonabenchbeforethedoor,undertheshadeoftwolargewalnut-trees.AtthesightofCharlotteheseemedtogainnewlife,rose,forgothisstick,andventuredtowalktowardher.Sherantohim,andmadehimsitdownagain;then,placingherselfbyhisside,shegavehimanumberofmessagesfromherfather,andthencaughtuphisyoungestchild,adirty,uglylittlething,thejoyofhisoldage,andkissedit.Iwishyoucouldhavewitnessedherattentiontothisoldman,——howsheraisedhervoiceonaccountofhisdeafness;howshetoldhimofhealthyyoungpeople,whohadbeencarriedoffwhenitwasleastexpected;praisedthevirtuesofCarlsbad,andcommendedhisdeterminationtospendtheensuingsummerthere;andassuredhimthathelookedbetterandstrongerthanhedidwhenshesawhimlast.I,inthemeantime,paidattentiontohisgoodlady.Theoldmanseemedquiteinspirits;andasIcouldnothelpadmiringthebeautyofthewalnut-trees,whichformedsuchanagreeableshadeoverourheads,hebegan,thoughwithsomelittledifficulty,totellustheirhistory.\"Astotheoldest,\"saidhe,\"wedonotknowwhoplantedit,——somesayoneclergyman,andsomeanother:buttheyoungerone,therebehindus,isexactlytheageofmywife,fiftyyearsoldnextOctober;herfatherplanteditinthemorning,andintheeveningshecameintotheworld.Mywife\'sfatherwasmypredecessorhere,andIcannottellyouhowfondhewasofthattree;anditisfullyasdeartome.Undertheshadeofthatverytree,uponalogofwood,mywifewasseatedknitting,whenI,apoorstudent,cameintothiscourtforthefirsttime,justsevenandtwentyyearsago.\"Charlotteinquiredforhisdaughter.HesaidshewasgonewithHerrSchmidttothemeadows,andwaswiththehaymakers.Theoldmanthenresumedhisstory,andtoldushowhispredecessorhadtakenafancytohim,ashadhisdaughterlikewise;andhowhehadbecomefirsthiscurate,andsubsequentlyhissuccessor.Hehadscarcelyfinishedhisstorywhenhisdaughterreturnedthroughthegarden,accompaniedbytheabove-mentionedHerrSchmidt.ShewelcomedCharlotteaffectionately,andIconfessIwasmuchtakenwithherappearance.Shewasalively-looking,good-humouredbrunette,quitecompetenttoamuseoneforashorttimeinthecountry.Herlover(forsuchHerrSchmidtevidentlyappearedtobe)wasapolite,reservedpersonage,andwouldnotjoinourconversation,notwithstandingallCharlotte\'sendeavourstodrawhimout.Iwasmuchannoyedatobserving,byhiscountenance,thathissilencedidnotarisefromwantoftalent,butfromcapriceandill-humour.Thissubsequentlybecameveryevident,whenwesetouttotakeawalk,andFredericajoiningCharlotte,withwhomIwastalking,theworthygentleman\'sface,whichwasnaturallyrathersombre,becamesodarkandangrythatCharlottewasobligedtotouchmyarm,andremindmethatIwastalkingtoomuchtoFrederica.Nothingdistressesmemorethantoseementormenteachother;particularlywheninthefloweroftheirage,intheveryseasonofpleasure,theywastetheirfewshortdaysofsunshineinquarrelsanddisputes,andonlyperceivetheirerrorwhenitistoolatetorepairit.Thisthoughtdweltuponmymind;andintheevening,whenwereturnedtothevicar\'s,andweresittingroundthetablewithourbreadendmilk,theconversationturnedonthejoysandsorrowsoftheworld,Icouldnotresistthetemptationtoinveighbitterlyagainstill-humour.\"Weareapt,\"saidI,\"tocomplain,but-withverylittlecause,thatourhappydaysarefew,andourevildaysmany.IfourheartswerealwaysdisposedtoreceivethebenefitsHeavensendsus,weshouldacquirestrengthtosupportevilwhenitcomes.\"\"But,\"observedthevicar\'swife,\"wecannotalwayscommandourtempers,somuchdependsupontheconstitution:whenthebodysuffers,themindisillatease.\"\"Iacknowledgethat,\"Icontinued;\"butwemustconsidersuchadispositioninthelightofadisease,andinquirewhetherthereisnoremedyforit.\"\"Ishouldbegladtohearone,\"saidCharlotte:\"atleast,Ithinkverymuchdependsuponourselves;Iknowitissowithme.Whenanythingannoysme,anddisturbsmytemper,Ihastenintothegarden,humacoupleofcountrydances,anditisallrightwithmedirectly.\"\"ThatiswhatImeant,\"Ireplied;\"ill-humourresemblesindolence:itisnaturaltous;butifoncewehavecouragetoexertourselves,wefindourworkrunfreshfromourhands,andweexperienceintheactivityfromwhichweshrankarealenjoyment.\"Fredericalistenedveryattentively:andtheyoungmanobjected,thatwewerenotmastersofourselves,andstilllesssoofourfeelings.\"Thequestionisaboutadisagreeablefeeling,\"Iadded,\"fromwhicheveryonewouldwillinglyescape,butnoneknowtheirownpowerwithouttrial.Invalidsaregladtoconsultphysicians,andsubmittothemostscrupulousregimen,themostnauseousmedicines,inordertorecovertheirhealth.\"Iobservedthatthegoodoldmaninclinedhishead,andexertedhimselftohearourdiscourse;soIraisedmyvoice,andaddressedmyselfdirectlytohim.Wepreachagainstagreatmanycrimes,\"Iobserved,\"butIneverrememberasermondeliveredagainstill-humour.\"\"Thatmaydoverywellforyourtownclergymen,\"saidhe:\"countrypeopleareneverill-humoured;though,indeed,itmightbeuseful,occasionally,tomywifeforinstance,andthejudge.\"Wealllaughed,asdidhelikewiseverycordially,tillhefellintoafitofcoughing,whichinterruptedourconversationforatime.HerrSchmidtresumedthesubject.\"Youcallillhumouracrime,\"heremarked,\"butIthinkyouusetoostrongaterm.\"\"Notatall,\"Ireplied,\"ifthatdeservesthenamewhichissopernicioustoourselvesandourneighbours.Isitnotenoughthatwewantthepowertomakeoneanotherhappy,mustwedepriveeachotherofthepleasurewhichwecanallmakeforourselves?Showmethemanwhohasthecouragetohidehisill-humour,whobearsthewholeburdenhimself,withoutdisturbingthepeaceofthosearoundhim.No:ill-humourarisesfromaninwardconsciousnessofourownwantofmerit,fromadiscontentwhicheveraccompaniesthatenvywhichfoolishvanityengenders.Weseepeoplehappy,whomwehavenotmadeso,andcannotendurethesight.\"Charlottelookedatmewithasmile;sheobservedtheemotionwithwhichIspoke:andatearintheeyesofFredericastimulatedmetoproceed.\"Woeuntothose,\"Isaid,\"whousetheirpoweroverahumanhearttodestroythesimplepleasuresitwouldnaturallyenjoy!Allthefavours,alltheattentions,intheworldcannotcompensateforthelossofthathappinesswhichacrueltyrannyhasdestroyed.\"MyheartwasfullasIspoke.Arecollectionofmanythingswhichhadhappenedpresseduponmymind,andfilledmyeyeswithtears.\"Weshoulddailyrepeattoourselves,\"Iexclaimed,\"thatweshouldnotinterferewithourfriends,unlesstoleavetheminpossessionoftheirownjoys,andincreasetheirhappinessbysharingitwiththem!Butwhentheirsoulsaretormentedbyaviolentpassion,ortheirheartsrentwithgrief,isitinyourpowertoaffordthemtheslightestconsolation?
\"Andwhenthelastfatalmaladyseizesthebeingwhoseuntimelygraveyouhaveprepared,whenshelieslanguidandexhaustedbeforeyou,herdimeyesraisedtoheaven,andthedampofdeathuponherpallidbrow,thereyoustandatherbedsidelikeacondemnedcriminal,withthebitterfeelingthatyourwholefortunecouldnotsaveher;andtheagonisingthoughtwringsyou,thatallyoureffortsarepowerlesstoimpartevenamoment\'sstrengthtothedepartingsoul,orquickenherwithatransitoryconsolation.\"
AtthesewordstheremembranceofasimilarsceneatwhichIhadbeenoncepresentfellwithfullforceuponmyheart.Iburiedmyfaceinmyhandkerchief,andhastenedfromtheroom,andwasonlyrecalledtomyrecollectionbyCharlotte\'svoice,whoremindedmethatitwastimetoreturnhome.WithwhattendernessshechidmeonthewayforthetooeagerinterestItookineverything!Shedeclareditwoulddomeinjury,andthatIoughttosparemyself.Yes,myangel!Iwilldosoforyoursake.
JULY6.
Sheisstillwithherdyingfriend,andisstillthesamebright,beautifulcreaturewhosepresencesoftenspain,andshedshappinessaroundwhicheverwaysheturns.Shewentoutyesterdaywithherlittlesisters:Iknewit,andwenttomeetthem;andwewalkedtogether.Inaboutanhourandahalfwereturnedtothetown.WestoppedatthespringIamsofondof,andwhichisnowathousandtimesdearertomethanever.Charlotteseatedherselfuponthelowwall,andwegatheredabouther.Ilookedaround,andrecalledthetimewhenmyheartwasunoccupiedandfree.\"Dearfountain!\"Isaid,\"sincethattimeIhavenomorecometoenjoycoolreposebythyfreshstream:Ihavepassedtheewithcarelesssteps,andscarcelybestowedaglanceuponthee.\"Ilookeddown,andobservedCharlotte\'slittlesister,Jane,comingupthestepswithaglassofwater.IturnedtowardCharlotte,andIfeltherinfluenceoverme.Janeatthemomentapproachedwiththeglass.Hersister,Marianne,wishedtotakeitfromher.\"No!\"criedthechild,withthesweetestexpressionofface,\"Charlottemustdrinkfirst.\"
Theaffectionandsimplicitywithwhichthiswasutteredsocharmedme,thatIsoughttoexpressmyfeelingsbycatchingupthechildandkissingherheartily.Shewasfrightened,andbegantocry.\"Youshouldnotdothat,\"saidCharlotte:Ifeltperplexed.\"Come,Jane,\"shecontinued,takingherhand,andleadingherdownthestepsagain,\"itisnomatter:washyourselfquicklyinthefreshwater.\"Istoodandwatchedthem;andwhenIsawthelittledearrubbinghercheekswithherwethands,infullbeliefthatalltheimpuritiescontractedfrommyuglybeardwouldbewashedoffbythemiraculouswater,andhow,thoughCharlottesaiditwoulddo,shecontinuedstilltowashwithallhermight,asthoughshethoughttoomuchwerebetterthantoolittle,Iassureyou,Wilhelm,Ineverattendedabaptismwithgreaterreverence;and,whenCharlottecameupfromthewell,IcouldhaveprostratedmyselfasbeforetheprophetofanEasternnation.
IntheeveningIwouldnotresisttellingthestorytoapersonwho,Ithought,possessedsomenaturalfeeling,becausehewasamanofunderstanding.ButwhatamistakeImade.HemaintaineditwasverywrongofCharlotte,thatweshouldnotdeceivechildren,thatsuchthingsoccasionedcountlessmistakesandsuperstitions,fromwhichwewereboundtoprotecttheyoung.Itoccurredtomethen,thatthisverymanhadbeenbaptisedonlyaweekbefore;soIsaidnothingfurther,butmaintainedthejusticeofmyownconvictions.WeshoulddealwithchildrenasGoddealswithus,wearehappiestundertheinfluenceofinnocentdelusions.
JULY8.
Whatachildismanthatheshouldbesosolicitousaboutalook!Whatachildisman!WehadbeentoWalheim:theladieswentinacarriage;butduringourwalkIthoughtIsawinCharlotte\'sdarkeyes——Iamafool——butforgiveme!youshouldseethem,——thoseeyes——However,tobebrief(formyowneyesareweigheddownwithsleep),youmustknow,whentheladiessteppedintotheircarriageagain,youngW.Seldstadt,Andran,andIwerestandingaboutthedoor.Theyareamerrysetoffellows,andtheywerealllaughingandjokingtogether.IwatchedCharlotte\'seyes.Theywanderedfromonetotheother;buttheydidnotlightonme,onme,whostoodtheremotionless,andwhosawnothingbuther!Myheartbadeherathousandtimesadieu,butshenoticedmenot.Thecarriagedroveoff;andmyeyesfilledwithtears.Ilookedafterher:suddenlyIsawCharlotte\'sbonnetleaningoutofthewindow,andsheturnedtolookback,wasitatme?Mydearfriend,Iknownot;andinthisuncertaintyIfindconsolation.Perhapssheturnedtolookatme.Perhaps!Good-night——whatachildIam!
JULYlO.
YoushouldseehowfoolishIlookincompanywhenhernameismentioned,particularlywhenIamaskedplainlyhowIlikeher.HowIlikeher!Idetestthephrase.WhatsortofcreaturemusthebewhomerelylikedCharlotte,whosewholeheartandsenseswerenotentirelyabsorbedbyher.Likeher!SomeoneaskedmelatelyhowIlikedOssian.
JULY11.
MadameM——isveryill.Iprayforherrecovery,becauseCharlottesharesmysufferings.Iseeheroccasionallyatmyfriend\'shouse,andto-dayshehastoldmethestrangestcircumstance.OldM——isacovetous,miserlyfellow,whohaslongworriedandannoyedthepoorladysadly;butshehasborneherafflictionspatiently.Afewdaysago,whenthephysicianinformedusthatherrecoverywashopeless,shesentforherhusband(Charlottewaspresent),andaddressedhimthus:\"Ihavesomethingtoconfess,which,aftermydecease,mayoccasiontroubleandconfusion.Ihavehithertoconductedyourhouseholdasfrugallyandeconomicallyaspossible,butyoumustpardonmeforhavingdefraudedyouforthirtyyears.Atthecommencementofourmarriedlife,youallowedasmallsumforthewantsofthekitchen,andtheotherhouseholdexpenses.Whenourestablishmentincreasedandourpropertygrewlarger,Icouldnotpersuadeyoutoincreasetheweeklyallowanceinproportion:inshort,youknow,that,whenourwantsweregreatest,yourequiredmetosupplyeverythingwithsevenflorinsaweek.Itookthemoneyfromyouwithoutanobservation,butmadeuptheweeklydeficiencyfromthemoney-chest;asnobodywouldsuspectyourwifeofrobbingthehouseholdbank.ButIhavewastednothing,andshouldhavebeencontenttomeetmyeternalJudgewithoutthisconfession,ifshe,uponwhomthemanagementofyourestablishmentwilldevolveaftermydecease,wouldbefreefromembarrassmentuponyourinsistingthattheallowancemadetome,yourformerwife,wassufficient.\"
ItalkedwithCharlotteoftheinconceivablemannerinwhichmenallowthemselvestobeblinded;howanyonecouldavoidsuspectingsomedeception,whensevenflorinsonlywereallowedtodefrayexpensestwiceasgreat.ButIhavemyselfknownpeoplewhobelieved,withoutanyvisibleastonishment,thattheirhousepossessedtheprophet\'snever-failingcruseofoil.
JULY13.
No,Iamnotdeceived.InherdarkeyesIreadagenuineinterestinmeandinmyfortunes.Yes,Ifeelit;andImaybelievemyownheartwhichtellsme——dareIsayit?——dareIpronouncethedivinewords?——thatshelovesme!
Thatshelovesme!Howtheideaexaltsmeinmyowneyes!And,asyoucanunderstandmyfeelings,Imaysaytoyou,howIhonourmyselfsinceshelovesme!
Isthispresumption,orisitaconsciousnessofthetruth?IdonotknowamanabletosupplantmeintheheartofCharlotte;andyetwhenshespeaksofherbetrothedwithsomuchwarmthandaffection,Ifeellikethesoldierwhohasbeenstrippedofhishonoursandtitles,anddeprivedofhissword.
JULY16.
HowmyheartbeatswhenbyaccidentItouchherfinger,ormyfeetmeethersunderthetable!Idrawbackasiffromafurnace;butasecretforceimpelsmeforwardagain,andmysensesbecomedisordered.Herinnocent,unconsciousheartneverknowswhatagonytheselittlefamiliaritiesinflictuponme.SometimeswhenwearetalkingsheIaysherhanduponmine,andintheeagernessofconversationcomesclosertome,andherbalmybreathreachesmylips,——whenIfeelasiflightninghadstruckme,andthatIcouldsinkintotheearth.Andyet,Wilhelm,withallthisheavenlyconfidence,——ifIknowmyself,andshouldeverdare——youunderstandme.No,no!myheartisnotsocorrupt,itisweak,weakenoughbutisnotthatadegreeofcorruption?
Sheistomeasacredbeing.Allpassionisstillinherpresence:IcannotexpressmysensationswhenIamnearher.Ifeelasifmysoulbeatineverynerveofmybody.Thereisamelodywhichsheplaysonthepianowithangelicskill,——sosimpleisit,andyetsospiritual!Itisherfavouriteair;and,whensheplaysthefirstnote,allpain,care,andsorrowdisappearfrommeinamoment.
Ibelieveeverywordthatissaidofthemagicofancientmusic.Howhersimplesongenchantsme!Sometimes,whenIamreadytocommitsuicide,shesingsthatair;andinstantlythegloomandmadnesswhichhungovermearedispersed,andIbreathefreelyagain.
JULY18.
Wilhelm,whatistheworldtoourheartswithoutlove?Whatisamagic-lanternwithoutlight?Youhavebuttokindletheflamewithin,andthebrightestfiguresshineonthewhitewall;and,ifloveonlyshowusfleetingshadows,weareyethappy,when,likemerechildren,webeholdthem,andaretransportedwiththesplendidphantoms.IhavenotbeenabletoseeCharlotteto-day.IwaspreventedbycompanyfromwhichIcouldnotdisengagemyself.Whatwastobedone?Isentmyservanttoherhouse,thatImightatleastseesomebodyto-daywhohadbeennearher.Oh,theimpatiencewithwhichIwaitedforhisreturn!thejoywithwhichIwelcomedhim!Ishouldcertainlyhavecaughthiminmyarms,andkissedhim,ifIhadnotbeenashamed.
ItissaidthattheBononastone,whenplacedinthesun,attractstherays,andforatimeappearsluminousinthedark.Sowasitwithmeandthisservant.TheideathatCharlotte\'seyeshaddweltonhiscountenance,hischeek,hisveryapparel,endearedthemallinestimablytome,sothatatthemomentIwouldnothavepartedfromhimforathousandcrowns.Hispresencemademesohappy!Bewareoflaughingatme,Wilhelm.Canthatbeadelusionwhichmakesushappy?
JULY19.
\"Ishallseehertoday!\"Iexclaimwithdelight,whenIriseinthemorning,andlookoutwithgladnessofheartatthebright,beautifulsun.\"Ishallseehertoday!\"AndthenIhavenofurtherwishtoform:all,allisincludedinthatonethought.
JULY2O.
IcannotassenttoyourproposalthatIshouldaccompanytheambassadorto_______.Idonotlovesubordination;andweallknowthatheisarough,disagreeablepersontobeconnectedwith.Yousaymymotherwishesmetobeemployed.Icouldnothelplaughingatthat.AmInotsufficientlyemployed?Andisitnotinrealitythesame,whetherIshellpeasorcountlentils?Theworldrunsonfromonefollytoanother;andthemanwho,solelyfromregardtotheopinionofothers,andwithoutanywishornecessityofhisown,toilsaftergold,honour,oranyotherphantom,isnobetterthanafool.
JULY24.
Youinsistsomuchonmynotneglectingmydrawing,thatitwouldbeaswellformetosaynothingastoconfesshowlittleIhavelatelydone.
Ineverfelthappier,Ineverunderstoodnaturebetter,evendowntotheverieststemorsmallestbladeofgrass;andyetIamunabletoexpressmyself:mypowersofexecutionaresoweak,everythingseemstoswimandfloatbeforeme,sothatIcannotmakeaclear,boldoutline.ButIfancyIshouldsucceedbetterifIhadsomeclayorwaxtomodel.Ishalltry,ifthisstateofmindcontinuesmuchlonger,andwilltaketomodelling,ifIonlykneaddough.
IhavecommencedCharlotte\'sportraitthreetimes,andhaveasoftendisgracedmyself.Thisisthemoreannoying,asIwasformerlyveryhappyintakinglikenesses.Ihavesincesketchedherprofile,andmustcontentmyselfwiththat.
JULY25.
Yes,dearCharlotte!Iwillorderandarrangeeverything.Onlygivememorecommissions,themorethebetter.Onething,however,Imustrequest:usenomorewriting-sandwiththedearnotesyousendme.TodayIraisedyourletterhastilytomylips,anditsetmyteethonedge.