JULY26.
Ihaveoftendeterminednottoseehersofrequently.Butwhocouldkeepsucharesolution?EverydayIamexposedtothetemptation,andpromisefaithfullythatto-morrowIwillreallystayaway:but,whentomorrowcomes,Ifindsomeirresistiblereasonforseeingher;and,beforeIcanaccountforit,Iamwithheragain.Eithershehassaidonthepreviousevening\"Youwillbesuretocallto-morrow,\"——andwhocouldstayawaythen?——orshegivesmesomecommission,andIfinditessentialtotakehertheanswerinperson;orthedayisfine,andIwalktoWalheim;and,whenIamthere,itisonlyhalfaleaguefarthertoher.Iamwithinthecharmedatmosphere,andsoonfindmyselfatherside.Mygrandmotherusedtotellusastoryofamountainofloadstone.Whenanyvesselscamenearit,theywereinstantlydeprivedoftheirironwork:thenailsflewtothemountain,andtheunhappycrewperishedamidstthedisjointedplanks.
JULY30.
Albertisarrived,andImusttakemydeparture.Werehethebestandnoblestofmen,andIineveryrespecthisinferior,Icouldnotenduretoseehiminpossessionofsuchaperfectbeing.Possession!——enough,Wilhelm:herbetrothedishere,——afine,worthyfellow,whomonecannothelpliking.FortunatelyIwasnotpresentattheirmeeting.Itwouldhavebrokenmyheart!Andheissoconsiderate:hehasnotgivenCharlotteonekissinmypresence.Heavenrewardhimforit!Imustlovehimfortherespectwithwhichhetreatsher.Heshowsaregardforme,butforthisIsuspectIammoreindebtedtoCharlottethantohisownfancyforme.Womenhaveadelicatetactinsuchmatters,anditshouldbeso.Theycannotalwayssucceedinkeepingtworivalsontermswitheachother;but,whentheydo,theyaretheonlygainers.
IcannothelpesteemingAlbert.Thecoolnessofhistempercontrastsstronglywiththeimpetuosityofmine,whichIcannotconceal.Hehasagreatdealoffeeling,andisfullysensibleofthetreasurehepossessesinCharlotte.Heisfreefromill-humour,whichyouknowisthefaultIdetestmost.
Heregardsmeasamanofsense;andmyattachmenttoCharlotte,andtheinterestItakeinallthatconcernsher,augmenthistriumphandhislove.Ishallnotinquirewhetherhemaynotattimesteaseherwithsomelittlejealousies;asIknow,that,wereIinhisplace,Ishouldnotbeentirelyfreefromsuchsensations.
But,bethatasitmay,mypleasurewithCharlotteisover.Callitfollyorinfatuation,whatsignifiesaname?Thethingspeaksforitself.BeforeAlbertcame,IknewallthatIknownow.IknewIcouldmakenopretensionstoher,nordidIofferany,thatis,asfarasitwaspossible,inthepresenceofsomuchloveliness,nottopantforitsenjoyment.Andnow,beholdmelikeasillyfellow,staringwithastonishmentwhenanothercomesin,anddeprivesmeofmylove.
Ibitemylips,andfeelinfinitescornforthosewhotellmetoberesigned,becausethereisnohelpforit.Letmeescapefromtheyokeofsuchsillysubterfuges!Iramblethroughthewoods;andwhenIreturntoCharlotte,andfindAlbertsittingbyhersideinthesummer-houseinthegarden,Iamunabletobearit,behavelikeafool,andcommitathousandextravagances.\"ForHeaven\'ssake,\"saidCharlottetoday,\"letushavenomoresceneslikethoseoflastnight!Youterrifymewhenyouaresoviolent.\"Betweenourselves,Iamalwaysawaynowwhenhevisitsher:andIfeeldelightedwhenIfindheralone.
AUGUST8.
Believeme,dearWilhelm,IdidnotalludetoyouwhenIspokesoseverelyofthosewhoadviseresignationtoinevitablefate.Ididnotthinkitpossibleforyoutoindulgesuchasentiment.Butinfactyouareright.Ionlysuggestoneobjection.Inthisworldoneisseldomreducedtomakeaselectionbetweentwoalternatives.Thereareasmanyvarietiesofconductandopinionasthereareturnsoffeaturebetweenanaquilinenoseandaflatone.
Youwill,therefore,permitmetoconcedeyourentireargument,andyetcontrivemeanstoescapeyourdilemma.
Yourpositionisthis,Ihearyousay:\"EitheryouhavehopesofobtainingCharlotte,oryouhavenone.Well,inthefirstcase,pursueyourcourse,andpressontothefulfilmentofyourwishes.Inthesecond,beaman,andshakeoffamiserablepassion,whichwillenervateanddestroyyou.\"Mydearfriend,thisiswellandeasilysaid.
Butwouldyourequireawretchedbeing,whoselifeisslowlywastingunderalingeringdisease,todespatchhimselfatoncebythestrokeofadagger?Doesnottheverydisorderwhichconsumeshisstrengthdeprivehimofthecouragetoeffecthisdeliverance?
Youmayanswerme,ifyouplease,withasimilaranalogy,\"Whowouldnotprefertheamputationofanarmtotheperilingoflifebydoubtandprocrastination!\"ButIknownotifIamright,andletusleavethesecomparisons.
Enough!Therearemoments,Wilhelm,whenIcouldriseupandshakeitalloff,andwhen,ifIonlyknewwheretogo,Icouldflyfromthisplace.
THESAMEEVENING.
Mydiary,whichIhaveforsometimeneglected,camebeforemetoday;andIamamazedtoseehowdeliberatelyIhaveentangledmyselfstepbystep.Tohaveseenmypositionsoclearly,andyettohaveactedsolikeachild!EvenstillIbeholdtheresultplainly,andyethavenothoughtofactingwithgreaterprudence.
AUGUSTlO.
IfIwerenotafool,Icouldspendthehappiestandmostdelightfullifehere.Somanyagreeablecircumstances,andofakindtoensureaworthyman\'shappiness,areseldomunited.Alas!Ifeelittoosensibly,——theheartalonemakesourhappiness!Tobeadmittedintothismostcharmingfamily,tobelovedbythefatherasason,bythechildrenasafather,andbyCharlotte!thenthenobleAlbert,whoneverdisturbsmyhappinessbyanyappearanceofill-humour,receivingmewiththeheartiestaffection,andlovingme,nexttoCharlotte,betterthanalltheworld!Wilhelm,youwouldbedelightedtohearusinourrambles,andconversationsaboutCharlotte.Nothingintheworldcanbemoreabsurdthanourconnection,andyetthethoughtofitoftenmovesmetotears.
Hetellsmesometimesofherexcellentmother;how,uponherdeath-bed,shehadcommittedherhouseandchildrentoCharlotte,andhadgivenCharlotteherselfinchargetohim;how,sincethattime,anewspirithadtakenpossessionofher;how,incareandanxietyfortheirwelfare,shebecamearealmothertothem;howeverymomentofhertimewasdevotedtosomelabourofloveintheirbehalf,——andyethermirthandcheerfulnesshadneverforsakenher.Iwalkbyhisside,pluckflowersbytheway,arrangethemcarefullyintoanosegay,thenflingthemintothefirststreamIpass,andwatchthemastheyfloatgentlyaway.IforgetwhetherItoldyouthatAlbertistoremainhere.Hehasreceivedagovernmentappointment,withaverygoodsalary;andIunderstandheisinhighfavouratcourt.Ihavemetfewpersonssopunctualandmethodicalinbusiness.
AUGUST12.
CertainlyAlbertisthebestfellowintheworld.Ihadastrangescenewithhimyesterday.Iwenttotakeleaveofhim;forItookitintomyheadtospendafewdaysinthesemountains,fromwhereInowwritetoyou.AsIwaswalkingupanddownhisroom,myeyefelluponhispistols.\"Lendmethosepistols,\"saidI,\"formyjourney.\"\"Byallmeans,\"hereplied,\"ifyouwilltakethetroubletoloadthem;fortheyonlyhangthereforform.\"Itookdownoneofthem;andhecontinued,\"EversinceIwasnearsufferingformyextremecaution,Iwillhavenothingtodowithsuchthings.\"Iwascurioustohearthestory.\"Iwasstaying,\"saidhe,\"somethreemonthsago,atafriend\'shouseinthecountry.Ihadabraceofpistolswithme,unloaded;andIsleptwithoutanyanxiety.OnerainyafternoonIwassittingbymyself,doingnothing,whenitoccurredtomeIdonotknowhowthatthehousemightbeattacked,thatwemightrequirethepistols,thatwemightinshort,youknowhowwegoonfancying,whenwehavenothingbettertodo.Igavethepistolstotheservant,tocleanandload.Hewasplayingwiththemaid,andtryingtofrightenher,whenthepistolwentoff——Godknowshow!——theramrodwasinthebarrel;anditwentstraightthroughherrighthand,andshatteredthethumb.Ihadtoendureallthelamentation,andtopaythesurgeon\'sbill;so,sincethattime,Ihavekeptallmyweaponsunloaded.But,mydearfriend,whatistheuseofprudence?Wecanneverbeonourguardagainstallpossibledangers.However,\"——now,youmustknowIcantolerateallmentilltheycometo\"however;\"——foritisself-evidentthateveryuniversalrulemusthaveitsexceptions.Butheissoexceedinglyaccurate,that,ifheonlyfancieshehassaidawordtooprecipitate,ortoogeneral,oronlyhalftrue,heneverceasestoqualify,tomodify,andextenuate,tillatlastheappearstohavesaidnothingatall.Uponthisoccasion,Albertwasdeeplyimmersedinhissubject:Iceasedtolistentohim,andbecamelostinreverie.Withasuddenmotion,Ipointedthemouthofthepistoltomyforehead,overtherighteye.\"Whatdovoumean?\"criedAlbert,turningbackthepistol.\"Itisnotloaded,\"saidI.\"Andevenifnot,\"heansweredwithimpatience,\"whatcanyoumean?Icannotcornprehendhowamancanbesomadastoshoothimself,andthebareideaofitshocksme.\"
\"Butwhyshouldanyone,\"saidI,\"inspeakingofanaction,venturetopronounceitmadorwise,orgoodorbad?Whatisthemeaningofallthis?Haveyoucarefullystudiedthesecretmotivesofouractions?Doyouunderstand——canyouexplainthecauseswhichoccasionthem,andmaketheminevitable?Ifyoucan,youwillbelesshastywithyourdecision.\"
\"Butyouwillallow,\"saidAlbert;\"thatsomeactionsarecriminal,letthemspringfromwhatevermotivestheymay.\"Igrantedit,andshruggedmyshoulders.
\"Butstill,mygoodfriend,\"Icontinued,\"therearesomeexceptionsheretoo.Theftisacrime;butthemanwhocommitsitfromextremepoverty,withnodesignbuttosavehisfamilyfromperishing,isheanobjectofpity,orofpunishment?Whoshallthrowthefirststoneatahusband,who,intheheatofjustresentment,sacrificeshisfaithlesswifeandherperfidiousseducer?orattheyoungmaiden,who,inherweakhourofrapture,forgetsherselfintheimpetuousjoysoflove?Evenourlaws,coldandcruelastheyare,relentinsuchcases,andwithholdtheirpunishment.\"
\"Thatisquiteanotherthing,\"saidAlbert;\"becauseamanundertheinfluenceofviolentpassionlosesalIpowerofreflection,andisregardedasintoxicatedorinsane.\"
\"Oh!youpeopleofsoundunderstandings,\"Ireplied,smiling,\"areeverreadytoexclaim\'Extravagance,andmadness,andintoxication!\'Youmoralmenaresocalmandsosubdued!Youabhorthedrunkenman,anddetesttheextravagant;youpassby,liketheLevite,andthankGod,likethePharisee,thatyouarenotlikeoneofthem.Ihavebeenmorethanonceintoxicated,mypassionshavealwaysborderedonextravagance:Iamnotashamedtoconfessit;forIhavelearned,bymyownexperience,thatallextraordinarymen,whohaveaccomplishedgreatandastonishingactions,haveeverbeendecriedbytheworldasdrunkenorinsane.Andinprivatelife,too,isitnotintolerablethatnoonecanundertaketheexecutionofanobleorgenerousdeed,withoutgivingrisetotheexclamationthatthedoerisintoxicatedormad?Shameuponyou,yesages!\"
\"Thisisanotherofyourextravaganthumours,\"saidAlbert:\"youalwaysexaggerateacase,andinthismatteryouareundoubtedlywrong;forwewerespeakingofsuicide,whichyoucomparewithgreatactions,whenitisimpossibletoregarditasanythingbutaweakness.Itismucheasiertodiethantobearalifeofmiserywithfortitude.\"
Iwasonthepointofbreakingofftheconversation,fornothingputsmesocompletelyoutofpatienceastheutteranceofawretchedcommonplacewhenIamtalkingfrommyinmostheart.However,Icomposedmyself,forIhadoftenheardthesameobservationwithsufficientvexation;andIansweredhim,therefore,withalittlewarmth,\"Youcallthisaweakness——bewareofbeingledastraybyappearances.Whenanation,whichhaslonggroanedundertheintolerableyokeofatyrant,risesatlastandthrowsoffitschains,doyoucallthatweakness?Themanwho,torescuehishousefromtheflames,findshisphysicalstrengthredoubled,sothatheliftsburdenswithease,which,intheabsenceofexcitement,hecouldscarcelymove;hewho,undertherageofaninsult,attacksandputstoflighthalfascoreofhisenemies,aresuchpersonstobecalledweak?Mygoodfriend,ifresistancebestrength,howcanthehighestdegreeofresistancebeaweakness?\"
Albertlookedsteadfastlyatme,andsaid,\"Prayforgiveme,butIdonotseethattheexamplesyouhaveadducedbearanyrelationtothequestion.\"\"Verylikely,\"Ianswered;\"forIhaveoftenbeentoldthatmystyleofillustrationbordersalittleontheabsurd.Butletusseeifwecannotplacethematterinanotherpointofview,byinquiringwhatcanbeaman\'sstateofmindwhoresolvestofreehimselffromtheburdenoflife,——aburdenoftensopleasanttobear,——forwecannototherwisereasonfairlyuponthesubject.
\"Humannature,\"Icontinued,\"hasitslimits.Itisabletoendureacertaindegreeofjoy,sorrow,andpain,butbecomesannihilatedassoonasthismeasureisexceeded.Thequestion,therefore,is,notwhetheramanisstrongorweak,butwhetherheisabletoendurethemeasureofhissufferings.Thesufferingmaybemoralorphysical;andinmyopinionitisjustasabsurdtocallamanacowardwhodestroyshimself,astocallamanacowardwhodiesofamalignantfever.\"
\"Paradox,allparadox!\"exclaimedAlbert.\"Notsoparadoxicalasyouimagine,\"Ireplied.\"Youallowthatwedesignateadiseaseasmortalwhennatureissoseverelyattacked,andherstrengthsofarexhausted,thatshecannotpossiblyrecoverherformerconditionunderanychangethatmaytakeplace.
\"Now,mygoodfriend,applythistothemind;observeamaninhisnatural,isolatedcondition;considerhowideaswork,andhowimpressionsfastenonhim,tillatlengthaviolentpassionseizeshim,destroyingallhispowersofcalmreflection,andutterlyruininghim.
\"Itisinvainthatamanofsoundmindandcooltemperunderstandstheconditionofsuchawretchedbeing,invainhecounselshim.Hecannomorecommunicatehisownwisdomtohimthanahealthymancaninstilhisstrengthintotheinvalid,bywhosebedsideheisseated.\"
Albertthoughtthistoogeneral.Iremindedhimofagirlwhohaddrownedherselfashorttimepreviously,andIrelatedherhistory.
Shewasagoodcreature,whohadgrownupinthenarrowsphereofhouseholdindustryandweeklyappointedlabour;onewhoknewnopleasurebeyondindulginginawalkonSundays,arrayedinherbestattire,accompaniedbyherfriends,orperhapsjoininginthedancenowandthenatsomefestival,andchattingawayhersparehourswithaneighbour,discussingthescandalorthequarrelsofthevillage,triflessufficienttooccupyherheart.Atlengththewarmthofhernatureisinfluencedbycertainnewandunknownwishes.Inflamedbytheflatteriesofmen,herformerpleasuresbecomebydegreesinsipid,tillatlengthshemeetswithayouthtowhomsheisattractedbyanindescribablefeeling;uponhimshenowrestsallherhopes;sheforgetstheworldaroundher;shesees,hears,desiresnothingbuthim,andhimonly.Healoneoccupiesallherthoughts.Uncorruptedbytheidleindulgenceofanenervatingvanity,heraffectionmovingsteadilytowarditsobject,shehopestobecomehis,andtorealise,inaneverlastingunionwithhim,allthathappinesswhichshesought,allthatblissforwhichshelonged.Hisrepeatedpromisesconfirmherhopes:embracesandendearments,whichincreasetheardourofherdesires,overmasterhersoul.Shefloatsinadim,delusiveanticipationofherhappiness;andherfeelingsbecomeexcitedtotheirutmosttension.Shestretchesoutherarmsfinallytoembracetheobjectofallherwishesandherloverforsakesher.Stunnedandbewildered,shestandsuponaprecipice.Allisdarknessaroundher.Noprospect,nohope,noconsolation——forsakenbyhiminwhomherexistencewascentred!Sheseesnothingofthewideworldbeforeher,thinksnothingofthemanyindividualswhomightsupplythevoidinherheart;shefeelsherselfdeserted,forsakenbytheworld;and,blindedandimpelledbytheagonywhichwringshersoul,sheplungesintothedeep,toendhersufferingsinthebroadembraceofdeath.Seehere,Albert,thehistoryofthousands;andtellme,isnotthisacaseofphysicalinfirmity?Naturehasnowaytoescapefromthelabyrinth:herpowersareexhausted:shecancontendnolonger,andthepoorsoulmustdie.
\"Shameuponhimwhocanlookoncalmly,andexclaim,\'Thefoolishgirl!sheshouldhavewaited;sheshouldhaveallowedtimetowearofftheimpression;herdespairwouldhavebeensoftened,andshewouldhavefoundanotherlovertocomforther.\'Onemightaswellsay,\'Thefool,todieofafever!whydidhenotwaittillhisstrengthwasrestored,tillhisbloodbecamecalm?allwouldthenhavegonewell,andhewouldhavebeenalivenow.\'\"
Albert,whocouldnotseethejusticeofthecomparison,offeredsomefurtherobjections,and,amongstothers,urgedthatIhadtakenthecaseofamereignorantgirl.Buthowanymanofsense,ofmoreenlargedviewsandexperience,couldbeexcused,hewasunabletocomprehend.\"Myfriend!\"Iexclaimed,\"manisbutman;and,whateverbetheextentofhisreasoningpowers,theyareoflittleavailwhenpassionrageswithin,andhefeelshimselfconfinedbythenarrowlimitsofnature.Itwerebetter,then——butwewilltalkofthissomeothertime,\"Isaid,andcaughtupmyhat.Alas!myheartwasfull;andwepartedwithoutconvictiononeitherside.Howrarelyinthisworlddomenunderstandeachother!
AUGUST15.
Therecanbenodoubtthatinthisworldnothingissoindispensableaslove.IobservethatCharlottecouldnotlosemewithoutapang,andtheverychildrenhavebutonewish;thatis,thatIshouldvisitthemagainto-morrow.IwentthisafternoontotuneCharlotte\'spiano.ButIcouldnotdoit,forthelittleonesinsistedonmytellingthemastory;andCharlotteherselfurgedmetosatisfythem.Iwaiteduponthemattea,andtheyarenowasfullycontentedwithmeaswithCharlotte;andItoldthemmyverybesttaleoftheprincesswhowaswaiteduponbydwarfs.Iimprovemyselfbythisexercise,andamquitesurprisedattheimpressionmystoriescreate.IfIsometimesinventanincidentwhichIforgetuponthenextnarration,theyremindonedirectlythatthestorywasdifferentbefore;sothatInowendeavourtorelatewithexactnessthesameanecdoteinthesamemonotonoustone,whichneverchanges.Ifindbythis,howmuchanauthorinjureshisworksbyalteringthem,eventhoughtheybeimprovedinapoeticalpointofview.Thefirstimpressionisreadilyreceived.Wearesoconstitutedthatwebelievethemostincrediblethings;and,oncetheyareengraveduponthememory,woetohimwhowouldendeavourtoeffacethem.
AUGUST18.
Mustiteverbethus,——thatthesourceofourhappinessmustalsobethefountainofourmisery?Thefullandardentsentimentwhichanimatedmyheartwiththeloveofnature,overwhelmingmewithatorrentofdelight,andwhichbroughtallparadisebeforeme,hasnowbecomeaninsupportabletorment,ademonwhichperpetuallypursuesandharassesme.WheninbygonedaysIgazedfromtheserocksuponyondermountainsacrosstheriver,anduponthegreen,floweryvalleybeforeme,andsawalInaturebuddingandburstingaround;thehillsclothedfromfoottopeakwithtall,thickforesttrees;thevalleysinalltheirvariedwindings,shadedwiththeloveliestwoods;andthesoftriverglidingalongamongstthelispingreeds,mirroringthebeautifulcloudswhichthesofteveningbreezewaftedacrossthesky,——whenIheardthegrovesaboutmemelodiouswiththemusicofbirds,andsawthemillionswarmsofinsectsdancinginthelastgoldenbeamsofthesun,whosesettingraysawokethehummingbeetlesfromtheirgrassybeds,whilstthesubduedtumultarounddirectedmyattentiontotheground,andIthereobservedthearidrockcompelledtoyieldnutrimenttothedrymoss,whilsttheheathflourisheduponthebarrensandsbelowme,allthisdisplayedtometheinnerwarmthwhichanimatesallnature,andfilledandglowedwithinmyheart.IfeltmyselfexaltedbythisoverflowingfulnesstotheperceptionoftheGodhead,andthegloriousformsofaninfiniteuniversebecamevisibletomysoul!Stupendousmountainsencompassedme,abyssesyawnedatmyfeet,andcataractsfellheadlongdownbeforeme;impetuousriversrolledthroughtheplain,androcksandmountainsresoundedfromafar.InthedepthsoftheearthIsawinnumerablepowersinmotion,andmultiplyingtoinfinity;whilstuponitssurface,andbeneaththeheavens,thereteemedtenthousandvarietiesoflivingcreatures.Everythingaroundisalivewithaninfinitenumberofforms;whilemankindflyforsecuritytotheirpettyhouses,fromtheshelterofwhichtheyruleintheirimaginationsoverthewide-extendeduniverse.Poorfool!inwhosepettyestimationallthingsarelittle.Fromtheinaccessiblemountains,acrossthedesertwhichnomortalfoothastrod,farastheconfinesoftheunknownocean,breathesthespiritoftheeternalCreator;andeveryatomtowhichhehasgivenexistencefindsfavourinhissight.Ah,howoftenatthattimehastheflightofabird,soaringabovemyhead,inspiredmewiththedesireofbeingtransportedtotheshoresoftheimmeasurablewaters,theretoquaffthepleasuresoflifefromthefoaminggobletoftheInfinite,andtopartake,ifbutforamomenteven,withtheconfinedpowersofmysoul,thebeatitudeofthatCreatorwhoaccomplishesallthingsinhimself,andthroughhimself!
Mydearfriend,thebarerecollectionofthosehoursstillconsolesme.Eventhisefforttorecallthoseineffablesensations,andgivethemutterance,exaltsmysoulaboveitself,andmakesmedoublyfeeltheintensityofmypresentanguish.
Itisasifacurtainhadbeendrawnfrombeforemyeyes,and,insteadofprospectsofeternallife,theabyssofaneveropengraveyawnedbeforeme.Canwesayofanythingthatitexistswhenallpassesaway,whentime,withthespeedofastorm,carriesallthingsonward,——andourtransitoryexistence,hurriedalongbythetorrent,iseitherswallowedupbythewavesordashedagainsttherocks?Thereisnotamomentbutpreysuponyou,——anduponallaroundyou,notamomentinwhichyoudonotyourselfbecomeadestroyer.Themostinnocentwalkdeprivesoflifethousandsofpoorinsects:onestepdestroysthefabricoftheindustriousant,andconvertsalittleworldintochaos.No:itisnotthegreatandrarecalamitiesoftheworld,thefloodswhichsweepawaywholevillages,theearthquakeswhichswallowupourtowns,thataffectme.Myheartiswastedbythethoughtofthatdestructivepowerwhichliesconcealedineverypartofuniversalnature.Naturehasformednothingthatdoesnotconsumeitself,andeveryobjectnearit:sothat,surroundedbyearthandair,andalltheactivepowers,Iwanderonmywaywithachingheart;andtheuniverseistomeafearfulmonster,foreverdevouringitsownoffspring.
AUGUST21.
InvaindoIstretchoutmyarmstowardherwhenIawakeninthemorningfrommywearyslumbers.InvaindoIseekforheratnightinmybed,whensomeinnocentdreamhashappilydeceivedme,andplacedhernearmeinthefields,whenIhaveseizedherhandandcovereditwithcountlesskisses.AndwhenIfeelforherinthehalfconfusionofsleep,withthehappysensethatsheisnear,tearsflowfrommyoppressedheart;and,bereftofallcomfort,Iweepovermyfuturewoes.
AUGUST22.
Whatamisfortune,Wilhelm!Myactivespiritshavedegeneratedintocontentedindolence.Icannotbeidle,andyetIamunabletosettowork.Icannotthink:Ihavenolongeranyfeelingforthebeautiesofnature,andbooksaredistastefultome.Oncewegiveourselvesup,wearetotallylost.ManyatimeandoftIwishIwereacommonlabourer;that,awakeninginthemorning,Imighthavebutoneprospect,onepursuit,onehope,forthedaywhichhasdawned.IoftenenvyAlbertwhenIseehimburiedinaheapofpapersandparchments,andIfancyIshouldbehappywereIinhisplace.OftenimpressedwiththisfeelingIhavebeenonthepointofwritingtoyouandtotheminister,fortheappointmentattheembassy,whichyouthinkImightobtain.IbelieveImightprocureit.Theministerhaslongshownaregardforme,andhasfrequentlyurgedmetoseekemployment.Itisthebusinessofanhouronly.Nowandthenthefableofthehorserecurstome.Wearyofliberty,hesufferedhimselftobesaddledandbridled,andwasriddentodeathforhispains.Iknownotwhattodetermineupon.Forisnotthisanxietyforchangetheconsequenceofthatrestlessspiritwhichwouldpursuemeequallyineverysituationoflife?
AUGUST28.
Ifmyillswouldadmitofanycure,theywouldcertainlybecuredhere.Thisismybirthday,andearlyinthemorningIreceivedapacketfromAlbert.Uponopeningit,IfoundoneofthepinkribbonswhichCharlotteworeinherdressthefirsttimeIsawher,andwhichIhadseveraltimesaskedhertogiveme.WithitweretwovolumesinduodecimoofWetstein\'s\"Homer,\"abookIhadoftenwishedfor,tosavemetheinconvenienceofcarryingthelargeErnestineeditionwithmeuponmywalks.Youseehowtheyanticipatemywishes,howwelltheyunderstandallthoselittleattentionsoffriendship,sosuperiortothecostlypresentsofthegreat,whicharehumiliating.Ikissedtheribbonathousandtimes,andineverybreathinhaledtheremembranceofthosehappyandirrevocabledayswhichfilledmewiththekeenestjoy.Such,Wilhelm,isourfate.Idonotmurmuratit:theflowersoflifearebutvisionary.Howmanypassaway,andleavenotracebehind——howfewyieldanyfruit——andthefruititself,howrarelydoesitripen!Andyetthereareflowersenough!andisitnotstrange,myfriend,thatweshouldsufferthelittlethatdoesreallyripen,torot,decay,andperishunenjoyed?Farewell!Thisisaglorioussummer.IoftenclimbintothetreesinCharlotte\'sorchard,andshakedownthepearsthathangonthehighestbranches.Shestandsbelow,andcatchesthemastheyfall.
AUGUST3O.
UnhappybeingthatIam!WhydoIthusdeceivemyself?Whatistocomeofallthiswild,aimless,endlesspassion?Icannotprayexcepttoher.Myimaginationseesnothingbuther:allsurroundingobjectsareofnoaccount,exceptastheyrelatetoher.InthisdreamystateIenjoymanyhappyhours,tillatlengthIfeelcompelledtotearmyselfawayfromher.Ah,Wilhelm,towhatdoesnotmyheartoftencompelme!WhenIhavespentseveralhoursinhercompany,tillIfeelcompletelyabsorbedbyherfigure,hergrace,thedivineexpressionofherthoughts,mymindbecomesgraduallyexcitedtothehighestexcess,mysightgrowsdim,myhearingconfused,mybreathingoppressedasifbythehandofamurderer,andmybeatingheartseekstoobtainreliefformyachingsenses.IamsometimesunconsciouswhetherIreallyexist.IfinsuchmomentsIfindnosympathy,andCharlottedoesnotallowmetoenjoythemelancholyconsolationofbathingherhandwithmytears,Ifeelcompelledtotearmyselffromher,whenIeitherwanderthroughthecountry,climbsomeprecipitouscliff,orforceapaththroughthetracklessthicket,whereIamlaceratedandtornbythornsandbriers;andthenceIfindrelief.SometimesIliestretchedontheground,overcomewithfatigueanddyingwiththirst;sometimes,lateinthenight,whenthemoonshinesaboveme,Ireclineagainstanagedtreeinsomesequesteredforest,torestmywearylimbs,when,exhaustedandworn,Isleeptillbreakofday.OWilhelm!thehermit\'scell,hissackcloth,andgirdleofthornswouldbeluxuryandindulgencecomparedwithwhatIsuffer.Adieu!Iseenoendtothiswretchednessexceptthegrave.
SEPTEMBER3.
Imustaway.Thankyou,Wilhelm,fordeterminingmywaveringpurpose.ForawholefortnightIhavethoughtofleavingher.Imustaway.Shehasreturnedtotown,andisatthehouseofafriend.Andthen,Albert——yes,Imustgo.
SEPTEMBER1O.
Oh,whatanight,Wilhelm!Icanhenceforthbearanything.Ishallneverseeheragain.Oh,whycannotIfallonyourneck,and,withfloodsoftearsandraptures,giveutterancetoallthepassionswhichdistractmyheart!HereIsitgaspingforbreath,andstrugglingtocomposemyself.Iwaitforday,andatsunrisethehorsesaretobeatthedoor.
Andsheissleepingcalmly,littlesuspectingthatshehasseenmeforthelasttime.Iamfree.Ihavehadthecourage,inaninterviewoftwohours\'duration,nottobetraymyintention.AndOWilhelm,whataconversationitwas!
AlberthadpromisedtocometoCharlotteinthegardenimmediatelyaftersupper.Iwasupontheterraceunderthetallchestnuttrees,andwatchedthesettingsun.Isawhimsinkforthelasttimebeneaththisdelightfulvalleyandsilentstream.IhadoftenvisitedthesamespotwithCharlotte,andwitnessedthatglorioussight;andnow——Iwaswalkingupanddowntheveryavenuewhichwassodeartome.AsecretsympathyhadfrequentlydrawnmethitherbeforeIknewCharlotte;andweweredelightedwhen,inourearlyacquaintance,wediscoveredthatweeachlovedthesamespot,whichisindeedasromanticasanythatevercaptivatedthefancyofanartist.
Frombeneaththechestnuttrees,thereisanextensiveview.ButIrememberthatIhavementionedallthisinaformerletter,andhavedescribedthetallmassofbeechtreesattheend,andhowtheavenuegrowsdarkeranddarkerasitwindsitswayamongthem,tillitendsinagloomyrecess,whichhasallthecharmofamysterioussolitude.IstillrememberthestrangefeelingofmelancholywhichcameovermethefirsttimeIenteredthatdarkretreat,atbrightmidday.Ifeltsomesecretforebodingthatitwould,oneday,betomethesceneofsomehappinessormisery.
Ihadspenthalfanhourstrugglingbetweenthecontendingthoughtsofgoingandreturning,whenIheardthemcominguptheterrace.Irantomeetthem.ItrembledasItookherhand,andkissedit.Aswereachedthetopoftheterrace,themoonrosefrombehindthewoodedhill.Weconversedonmanysubjects,and,withoutperceivingit,approachedthegloomyrecess.Charlotteentered,andsatdown.Albertseatedhimselfbesideher.Ididthesame,butmyagitationdidnotsuffermetoremainlongseated.Igotup,andstoodbeforeher,thenwalkedbackwardandforward,andsatdownagain.Iwasrestlessandmiserable.Charlottedrewourattentiontothebeautifuleffectofthemoonlight,whichthrewasilverhueovertheterraceinfrontofus,beyondthebeechtrees.Itwasaglorioussight,andwasrenderedmorestrikingbythedarknesswhichsurroundedthespotwherewewere.Weremainedforsometimesilent,whenCharlotteobserved,\"WheneverIwalkbymoonlight,itbringstomyremembranceallmybelovedanddepartedfriends,andIamfilledwiththoughtsofdeathandfuturity.Weshallliveagain,Werther!\"shecontinued,withafirmbutfeelingvoice;\"butshallweknowoneanotheragainwhatdoyouthink?whatdoyousay?\"
\"Charlotte,\"Isaid,asItookherhandinmine,andmyeyesfilledwithtears,\"weshallseeeachotheragain——hereandhereafterweshallmeetagain.\"Icouldsaynomore.Why,Wilhelm,shouldsheputthisquestiontome,justatthemonentwhenthefearofourcruelseparationfilledmyheart?
\"Andoh!dothosedepartedonesknowhowweareemployedhere?dotheyknowwhenwearewellandhappy?dotheyknowwhenwerecalltheirmemorieswiththefondestlove?Inthesilenthourofeveningtheshadeofmymotherhoversaroundme;whenseatedinthemidstofmychildren,Iseethemassemblednearme,astheyusedtoassemblenearher;andthenIraisemyanxiouseyestoheaven,andwishshecouldlookdownuponus,andwitnesshowIfulfilthepromiseImadetoherinherlastmoments,tobeamothertoherchildren.WithwhatemotiondoIthenexclaim,\'Pardon,dearestofmothers,pardonme,ifIdonotadequatelysupplyyourplace!Alas!Idomyutmost.Theyareclothedandfed;and,stillbetter,theyarelovedandeducated.Couldyoubutsee,sweetsaint!thepeaceandharmonythatdwellsamongstus,youwouldglorifyGodwiththewarmestfeelingsofgratitude,towhom,inyourlasthour,youaddressedsuchferventprayersforourhappiness.\'\"Thusdidsheexpressherself;butOWilhelm!whocandojusticetoherlanguage?howcancoldandpassionlesswordsconveytheheavenlyexpressionsofthespirit?Albertinterruptedhergently.\"Thisaffectsyoutoodeeply,mydearCharlotte.Iknowyoursouldwellsonsuchrecollectionswlthintensedelight;butIimplore——\"\"OAlbert!\"shecontinued,\"Iamsureyoudonotforgettheeveningswhenwethreeusedtositatthelittleroundtable,whenpapawasabsent,andthelittleoneshadretired.Youoftenhadagoodbookwithyou,butseldomreadit;theconversationofthatnoblebeingwaspreferabletoeverything,——thatbeautiful,bright,gentle,andyetever-toilingwoman.GodaloneknowshowIhavesupplicatedwithtearsonmynightlycouch,thatImightbelikeher.\"
Ithrewmyselfatherfeet,and,seizingherhand,bedeweditwithathousandtears.\"Charlotte!\"Iexclaimed,\"God\'sblessingandyourmother\'sspiritareuponyou.\"\"Oh!thatyouhadknownher,\"shesaid,withawarmpressureofthehand.\"Shewasworthyofbeingknowntoyou.\"IthoughtIshouldhavefainted:neverhadIreceivedpraisesoflattering.Shecontinued,\"Andyetshewasdoomedtodieintheflowerofheryouth,whenheryoungestchildwasscarcelysixmonthsold.Herillnesswasbutshort,butshewascalmandresigned;anditwasonlyforherchildren,especiallytheyoungest,thatshefeltunhappy.Whenherenddrewnigh,shebademebringthemtoher.Iobeyed.Theyoungeronesknewnothingoftheirapproachingloss,whiletheelderoneswerequiteovercomewithgrief.Theystoodaroundthebed;andsheraisedherfeeblehandstoheaven,andprayedoverthem;then,kissingtheminturn,shedismissedthem,andsaidtome,\'Beyouamothertothem.\'Igavehermyhand.\'Youarepromisingmuch,mychild,\'shesaid:\'amother\'sfondnessandamother\'scare!Ihaveoftenwitnessed,byyourtearsofgratitude,thatyouknowwhatisamother\'stenderness:showittoyourbrothersandsisters,andbedutifulandfaithfultoyourfatherasawife;youwillbehiscomfort.\'Sheinquiredforhim.Hehadretiredtoconcealhisintolerableanguish,——hewasheartbroken,\"Albert,youwereintheroom.Sheheardsomeonemoving:sheinquiredwhoitwas,anddesiredyoutoapproach.Shesurveyedusbothwithalookofcomposureandsatisfaction,expressiveofherconvictionthatweshouldbehappy,——happywithoneanother.\"Albertfelluponherneck,andkissedher,andexclaimed,\"Weareso,andweshallbeso!\"EvenAlbert,generallysotranquil,hadquitelosthiscomposure;andIwasexcitedbeyondexpression.
\"Andsuchabeing,\"Shecontinued,\"wastoleaveus,Werther!GreatGod,mustwethuspartwitheverythingweholddearinthisworld?Nobodyfeltthismoreacutelythanthechildren:theycriedandlamentedforalongtimeafterward,complainingthatmenhadcarriedawaytheirdearmamma.\"
Charlotterose.Itarousedme;butIcontinuedsitting,andheldherhand.\"Letusgo,\"shesaid:\"itgrowslate.\"Sheattemptedtowithdrawherhand:Ihelditstill.\"Weshallseeeachotheragain,\"Iexclaimed:\"weshallrecogniseeachotherundereverypossiblechange!Iamgoing,\"Icontinued,\"goingwillingly;but,shouldIsayforever,perhapsImaynotkeepmyword.Adieu,Charlotte;adieu,Albert.Weshallmeetagain.\"\"Yes:tomorrow,Ithink,\"sheansweredwithasmile.Tomorrow!howIfelttheword!Ah!shelittlethought,whenshedrewherhandawayfrommine.Theywalkeddowntheavenue.Istoodgazingaftertheminthemoonlight.Ithrewmyselfupontheground,andwept:Ithensprangup,andranoutupontheterrace,andsaw,undertheshadeofthelinden-trees,herwhitedressdisappearingnearthegarden-gate.Istretchedoutmyarms,andshevanished.