AndnoframeofmindwaseversoselfcontradictoryandyetsorealisticasthatwhichDickensdescribeswhenhesays，ineffect，that，thoughPinchknewnowthattherehadneverbeensuchapersonasPecksniff，inhisidealsense，hecouldnotbringhimselftoinsulttheveryfaceandformthathadcontainedthelegend。TheparallelwithLiberaljournalismisnotperfect；becauseitwasoncehonest；andPecksniffpresumablyneverwas。AndevenwhenIcometofeelafinalincompatibilityoftemper，PecksniffwasnotsoPecksniffianashehassincebecome。ButthecomparisoniscompleteinsofarasIshareallthereluctanceofMr。
Pinch。SomeoldheathenkingwasadvisedbyoneoftheCelticsaints，I
think，toburnwhathehadadoredandadorewhathehadburnt。Iamquiteready，ifanyonewillproveIwaswrong，toadorewhatIhaveburnt；butI
doreallyfeelanunwillingnessverginguponweaknesstoburningwhatI
haveadored。Ithinkitisaweaknesstobeovercomeintimesasbadasthese，when(asMr。Oragewrotewithsomethinglikesplendidcommonsensetheotherday)thereissuchalottodoandsofewpeoplewhowilldoit。
SoIwilldevotethisarticletoconsideringonecaseoftheastoundingbasenesstowhichLiberaljournalismhassunk。
MentalBreakdowninFleetStreetOneofthetwoorthreestreaksoflightonourhorizoncanbeperceivedinthis:thatthemoralbreakdownofthesepapershasbeenaccompaniedbyamentalbreakdownalso。Thecontemporaryofficialpaper，likethe\"DailyNews\"orthe\"DailyChronicle\"(Imeaninsofarasitdealswithpolitics)，simplycannotargue；andsimplydoesnotpretendtoargue。Itconsidersthesolutionwhichitimaginesthatwealthypeoplewant，anditsignifiesthesameintheusualmanner；whichisnotbyholdingupitshand，butbyfallingonitsface。Butthereisnomorecuriousqualityinitsdegradationthanasortofcarelessness，atonceofhurryandfatigue，withwhichitflingsdownitsargument——orratheritsrefusaltoargue。
Itdoesnotevenwritesophistry:itwritesanything。Itdoesnotsomuchpoisonthereader\'smindassimplyassumethatthereaderhasn\'tgotone。
Forinstance，oneofthesepapersprintedanarticleonSirStuartSamuel，who，havingbrokenthegreatLiberalstatuteagainstcorruption，willactually，perhaps，beaskedtopayhisownfine——inspiteofthefactthathecanwellaffordtodoso。Thearticlesays，ifIrememberaright，thatthedecisionwillcausegeneralsurpriseandsomeindignation。ThatanymodernGovernmentmakingaveryrichcapitalistobeythelawwillcausegeneralsurprise，maybetrue。WhetheritwillcausegeneralindignationratherdependsonwhetheroursocialintercourseisentirelyconfinedtoParkLane，oranysuchpigstiesbuiltofgold。Butthejournalistproceedstosay，hisneckrisinghigherandhigheroutofhiscollar，andhishairrisinghigherandhigheronhishead，inshort，hisresemblancetotheDickens\'originalincreasingeveryinstant，thathedoesnotmeanthatthelawagainstcorruptionshouldbelessstringent，butthattheburdenshouldbebornebythewholecommunity。Thismaymeanthatwheneverarichmanbreaksthelaw，allthepoormenoughttobemadetopayhisfine。ButIwillsupposeaslightlylessinsanemeaning。Iwillsupposeitmeansthatthewholepowerofthecommonwealthshouldbeusedtoprosecuteanoffenderofthiskind。That，ofcourse，canonlymeanthatthematterwillbedecidedbythatinstrumentwhichstillpretendstorepresentthewholepowerofthecommonwealth。Inotherwords，theGovernmentwilljudgetheGovernment。
Nowthisisaperfectlyplainpieceofbrutelogic。Weneednotgointotheotherdeliciousthingsinthearticle，aswhenitsaysthat\"inoldtimesParliamenthadtobeprotectedagainstRoyalinvasionbythemaninthestreet。\"Parliamenthastobeprotectednowagainstthemaninthestreet。Parliamentissimplythemostdetestedandthemostdetestableofallournationalinstitutions:allthatisevidentenough。Whatisinterestingistheblankandstaringfallacyoftheattemptedreply。
WhentheJournalistIsRuinedAlongwhileago，beforealltheLiberalsdied，aLiberalintroducedaBilltopreventParliamentbeingmerelypackedwiththeslavesoffinancialinterests。Forthatpurposeheestablishedtheexcellentdemocraticprinciplethattheprivatecitizen，assuch，mightprotestagainstpubliccorruption。HewascalledtheCommonInformer。Ibelievethemiserablepartypapersarereallyreducedtoplayingonthedegradationofthetwowordsinmodernlanguage。Nowtheword\"comnon\"in\"CommonInformer\"meansexactlywhatitmeansin\"commonsense\"or\"BookofCommonPrayer，\"or(aboveall)in\"HouseofCommons。\"Itdoesnotmeananythingloworvulgar；anymorethantheydo。TheonlydifferenceisthattheHouseofCommonsreallyislowandvulgar；andtheCommonInformerisn\'t。Itisjustthesamewiththeword\"Informer。\"Itdoesnotmeanspyorsneak。Itmeansonewhogivesinformation。Itmeanswhat\"journalist\"oughttomean。TheonlydifferenceisthattheCommonInformermaybepaidifhetellsthetruth。Thecommonjournalistwillberuinedifhedoes。
Nowthequiteplainpointbeforethepartyjournalististhis:IfhereallymeansthatacorruptbargainbetweenaGovernmentandacontractoroughttobejudgedbypublicopinion，hemust(nowadays)meanParliament；
thatis，thecaucusthatcontrolsParliament。Andhemustdecidebetweenoneoftwoviews。EitherhemeansthatthereCanbenosuchthingasacorruptGovernment。OrhemeansthatitisoneofthecharacteristicqualitiesofacorruptGovernmenttodenounceitsowncorruption。Ilaugh；
andIleavehimhischoice。
THEFATIGUEOFFLEETSTREET
Whyisthemodernpartypoliticaljournalismsobad？Itisworseeventhanitintendstobe。Itpraisesitspreposterouspartyleadersthroughthickandthin；butitsomehowsucceedsinmakingthemlookgreaterfoolsthantheyare。Thisclumsinessclingseventothephotographsofpublicmen，astheyaresnapshottedatpublicmeetings。Asensitivepolitician(ifthereissuchathing)would，Ishouldthink，wanttomurderthemanwhosnapshotshimatthosemoments。Forourgeneralimpressionofaman\'sgestureorplayoffeatureismadeupofaseriesofvanishinginstants，atanyoneofwhichhemaylookworsethanourgeneralimpressionrecords。
Mr。AugustineBirrellmayhavemadequiteasensibleandamusingspeech，inthecourseofwhichhisaudiencewouldhardlyhavenoticedthatheresettledhisnecktie。Snapshothim，andheappearsasconvulsivelyclutchinghisthroatintheagoniesofstrangulation，andwithhisheadtwistedononesideasifhehadbeenhanged。SirEdwardCarsonmightmakeaperfectlygoodspeech，whichnoonethoughtwearisome，butmighthimselfbejusttiredenoughtoshiftfromonelegtotheother。Snapshothim，andheappearsasholdingonelegstifflyintheairandyawningenoughtoswallowtheaudience。ButitisintheprosenarrativesofthePressthatwefindmostmanifestationsofthisstrangeineptitude；thisknackofexhibitingyourownfavouritesinanunluckylight。Itisnotsomuchthatthepartyjournalistsdonottellthetruthasthattheytelljustenoughofittomakeitclearthattheyaretellinglies。Oneoftheirfavouriteblundersisanamazingsortofbathos。Theybeginbytellingyouthatsomestatesmansaidsomethingbrilliantinstyleorbitinginwit，atwhichhishearersthrilledwithterrororthunderedwithapplause。Andthentheytellyouwhatitwasthathesaid。Sillyasses!
InsaneExaggerationHereisanexamplefromaleadingLiberalpapertouchingthedebatesonHomeRule。IamaHomeRuler；somysympathieswouldbe，ifanything，onthesideoftheLiberalpaperuponthatpoint。Imerelyquoteitasanexampleofthisridiculouswayofwriting，which，byinsaneexaggeration，actuallymakesitsherolooksmallerthanheis。
Thiswasstrangelanguagetouseaboutthe\"hypocriticalsham，\"andMr。
Asquith，knowingthatthebiggestbattleofhiscareerwasuponhim，hitbackwithoutmercy。\"Ishouldlikefirsttoknow，\"saidhe，withaglanceathissupporters，\"whethermyproposalsareaccepted？\"
That\'sall。AndIreallydonotseewhypoorMr。AsquithshouldberepresentedashavingviolatedtheChristianvirtueofmercybysayingthat。Imyselfcouldcomposeagreatmanyparagraphsuponthesamemodel，eachcontainingitsstingingandperhapsunscrupulousepigram。As，forexample:——\"TheArchbishopofCanterbury，realisingthathischoicenowlaybetweendenyingGodandearningthecrownofmartyrdombydyingintorments，spokewithafrenzyofreligiouspassionthatmighthaveseemedfanaticalundercircumstanceslessintense。\'TheChildren\'sService，\'hesaidfirmly，withhisfacetothecongregation，\'willbeheldathalf-pastfourthisafternoonasusual。\'\"
Or，wemighthave:——\"LordRoberts，recognisingthathehadnowtofaceArmageddon，andthatifhelostthislastbattleagainstoverwhelmingoddstheindependenceofEnglandwouldbeextinguishedforever，addressedtohissoldiers(lookingatthemandnotfallingoffhishorse)aspeechwhichbroughttheirnationalpassionstoboilingpoint，andmightwellhaveseemedblood-thirstyinquietertimes。Itendedwiththecelebrateddeclarationthatitwasafineday。\"
Orwemighthavethemuchgreaterexcitementofreadingsomethinglikethis:——\"TheAstronomerRoyal，havingrealisedthattheearthwouldcertainlybesmashedtopiecesbyacometunlesshisrequestsinconnectionwithwirelesstelegraphywereseriouslyconsidered，gaveanaddressattheRoyalSocietywhich，underothercircumstances，wouldhaveseemedundulydogmaticandemotionalanddeficientinscientificagnosticism。Thisaddress(whichhedeliveredwithoutanyattempttostandonhishead)includedafierceandevenferociousdeclarationthatitisgenerallyeasiertoseethestarsbynightthanbyday。\"
Now，Icannotsee，onmyconscienceandreason，thatanyoneofmyimaginaryparagraphsismoreridiculousthantherealone。NobodycanbelievethatMr。AsquithregardsthesebelatedandcarefulcompromisesaboutHomeRuleas\"thebiggestbattleofhiscareer。\"Itisonlyjusticetohimtosaythathehashadbiggerbattlesthanthat。Nobodycanbelievethatanybodyofmen，bodilypresent，eitherthunderedorthrilledatamanmerelysayingthathewouldliketoknowwhetherhisproposalswereaccepted。No；itwouldbefarbetterforParliamentifitsdoorswereshutagain，andreporterswereexcluded。Inthatcase，theouterpublicdidheargenuinerumoursofalmostgiganticeloquence；suchasthatwhichhasperpetuatedPitt\'sreplyagainstthechargeofyouth，orFox\'sbludgeoningoftheideaofwarasacompromise。Itwouldbemuchbettertofollowtheoldfashionandletinnoreportersatallthantofollowthenewfashionandselectthestupidestreportersyoucanfind。
TheirLoadofLiesNow，whydopeopleinFleet-streettalksuchtosh？PeopleinFleet-streetarenotfools。Mostofthemhaverealisedrealitythroughwork；somethroughstarvation；somethroughdamnation，orsomethingdamnablylikeit。
Ithinkitissimplyandseriouslytruethattheyaretiredoftheirjob。
AsthegeneralsaidinM。Rostand\'splay，\"lafatigue!\"
IdoreallybelievethatthisisoneofthewaysinwhichGod(don\'tgetflurried，Natureifyoulike)isunexpectedlyavengedonthingsinfamousandunreasonable。Andthismethodisthatmen\'smoralandevenphysicaltenacityactuallygiveoutundersuchaloadoflies。TheygoonwritingtheirleadingarticlesandtheirParliamentaryreports。Theygoondoingitasaconvictgoesonpickingoakum。Butthepointisnotthatweareboredwiththeirarticles；thepointisthattheyare。Theworkisdoneworsebecauseitisdoneweaklyandwithouthumanenthusiasm。Anditisdoneweaklybecauseofthetruthwehavetoldsomanytimesinthisbook:
thatitisnotdoneformonarchy，forwhichmenwilldie；orfordemocracy，forwhichmenwilldie；orevenforaristocracy，forwhichmanymenhavedied。ItisdoneforathingcalledCapitalism:whichstandsoutquiteclearlyinhistoryinmanycuriousways。Butthemostcuriousthingaboutitisthatnomanhaslovedit；andnomandiedforit。
THEAMNESTYFORAGGRESSION
Ifthereistoriseoutofallthisredruinsomethinglikearepublicofjustice，itisessentialthatourviewsshouldberealviews；thatis，glimpsesoflivesandlandscapesoutsideourselves。Itisessentialthattheyshouldnotbemereopiumvisionsthatbeginandendinsmoke——andsooftenincannonsmoke。Imakenoapology，therefore，forreturningtothepurelypracticalandrealisticpointIurgedlastweek:thefactthatweshallloseeverythingwemighthavegainedifwelosetheideathattheresponsiblepersonisresponsible。
Forinstance，itisalmostspeciallysowiththeoneortwothingsinwhichtheBritishGovernment，ortheBritishpublic，reallyarebehavingbadly。Thefirst，andworstofthem，isthenon-extensionoftheMoratorium，ortruceofdebtorandcreditor，totheveryworldwheretherearethepoorestdebtorsandthccruellestcreditors。Thisisinfamous:
andshouldbe，ifpossible，moreinfamoustothosewhothinkthewarrightthantothosewhothinkitwrong。Everyoneknowsthatthepeoplewhocanleastpaytheirdebtsarethepeoplewhoarealwaystryingto。Amongthepoorapaymentmaybeasrashasaspeculation。Amongtherichabankruptcymaybeassafeasabank。Consideringtheclassfromwhichprivatesoldiersaretaken，thereisanatrociousmeannessintheideaofbuyingtheirbloodabroad，whileweselltheirsticksathome。TheEnglishlanguage，bytheway，isfullofdelicateparadoxes。Wetalkoftheprivatesoldiersbecausetheyarereallypublicsoldiers；andwetalkofthepublicschoolsbecausetheyarereallyprivateschools。Anyhow，thewrongisofthesortthatoughttoberesisted，asmuchinwarasinpeace。
OughttoBeHammeredButaslongaswespeakofitasacloudyconclusion，cometobyananonymousclubcalledParliament，oramaskedtribunalcalledtheCabinet，weshallnevergetsuchawrongrighted。Somebodyisofficiallyresponsiblefortheunfairness；andthatsomebodyoughttobehammered。
Theotherexample，lessimportantbutmoreludicrous，isthesillyboycottofGermansinEngland，extendingeventoGermanmusic。IdonotbelieveforamomentthattheEnglishpeoplefeelanysuchinsanefastidiousness。
AretheEnglishartistswhopractisetheparticularlyEnglishartofwater-colourtobeforbiddentousePrussianblue？ArealloldladiestoshoottheirPomeraniandogs？ButthoughEnglandwouldlaughatthis，shewillgetthecreditofit，andwillcontinue:untilweaskwhotheactualpersonsarewhofeelsurethatweshouldshudderataballadoftheRhine。
Itiscertainthatweshouldfindtheyarecapitalists。Itisveryprobablethatweshouldfindtheyareforeigners。
SomedaysagotheOfficialCounciloftheIndependentLabourParty，ortheIndependentCounciloftheOfficialLabourParty，ortheIndependentandOfficialCounciloftheLabourParty(Ihavegotquitenervousaboutthesenamesanddistinctions；buttheyallseemtosaythesamething)begantheirmanifestobysayingitwouldbedifficulttoassignthedegreesofresponsibilitywhicheachnationhadfortheoutbreakofthewar。
Afterwards，awriterinthe\"ChristianCommonwealth，\"lamentingwarinthenameofLabour，butinthelanguageofmyownromanticmiddle-class，saidthatallthenationsmustsharetheresponsibilityforthisgreatcalamityofwar。Nowexactlyaslongaswegoontalkinglikethatweshallhavewarafterwar，andcalamityaftercalamity，untilthecrackofdoom。Itsimplyamountstoapromiseofpardontoanypersonwhowillstartaquarrel。Itisanamnestyforassassins。Themomentanymanassaultsanyothermanhemakesalltheothermenasbadashimself。Hehasonlytostab，andtovanishinafogofforgetfulness。Therealeaglesofiron，thepredatoryEmpires，willbedelightedwiththisdoctrine。TheywillapplaudtheLabourConcertorCommittee，orwhateveritiscalled。Theywillwillinglytakeallthecrime，withonlyaquarteroftheconscience:
theywillbeasreadytosharethememoryastheyaretosharethespoil。
ThePowerswilldivideresponsibilityascalmlyastheydividedPoland。
TheWholeLoathsomeLoadButIstillstubbornlyandmeeklysubmitmypoint:thatyoucannotendwarwithoutaskingwhobeganit。Ifyouthinksomebodyelse，notGermany，beganit，thenblamethatsomebodyelse:donotblameeverybodyandnobody。
Perhapsyouthinkthatasmallsovereignpeople，freshfromtwotriumphantwars，oughttodiscrownitselfbeforesunrise；becausethenephewofaneighbouringEmperorhasbeenshotbyhisownsubjects。Verywell。ThenblameServia；and，totheextentofyourinfluence，youmaybepreventingsmallkingdomsbeingobstinateorevenprincesbeingshot。
PerhapsyouthinkthewholethingwasahugeconspiracyofRussia，withFranceasadupeandServiaasapretext。Verywell。ThenblameRussia；
and，totheextentofyourinfluence，youmaybepreventinggreatEmpiresfrommakingracialexcusesforaraid。PerhapsyouthinkFrancewrongforfeelingwhatyoucall\"revenge，\"andIshouldcallrecoveryofstolengoods。PerhapsyoublameBelgiumforbeingsentimentalaboutherfrontier；
orEnglandforbeingsentimentalaboutherword。Ifso，blamethem；orwhicheverofthemyouthinkistoblame。Oragain，itisbarelypossiblethatyoumaythink，asIdo，thatthewholeloathsomeloadhasbeenlaiduponusbythemonarchywhichIhavenotnamed；stilllesswastedtimeinabusing。ButiftherebeinEuropeamilitaryStatewhichhasnotthereligionofRussia，yethashelpedRussiatotyranniseoverthePoles，thatStatecaresnotforreligion，butfortyranny。IftherebeaStateinEuropewhichhasnotthereligionoftheAustrians，buthashelpedAustriatobullytheServians，thatStatecaresnotforbelief，butforbullying。IftherebeinEuropeanypeopleorprincipalitywhichrespectsneitherrepublicsnorreligions，towhichthepoliticalidealofParisisasmuchamythasthemysticalidealofMoscow，thenblamethat:anddomorethanblame。InthehealthyandhighlytheologicalwordsofRobertBlatchford，driveitbacktotheHellfromwhichitcame。
CryingOverSpiltBloodButwhateveryoudo，donotblameeverybodyforwhatwascertainlydonebysomebody。Itmaybeitisnogoodcryingoverspiltblood，anymorethanoverspiltmilk。Butwedonotfindtheculpritanymorebyspillingthemilkovereverybody；orbydaubingeverybodywithblood。Stilllessdoweimprovemattersbywateringthemilkwithourtears，northebloodeither。
Tosaythateverybodyisresponsiblemeansthatnobodyisresponsible。
IfinthefutureweseeRussiaannexingRutland(aspartoftheoldKingdomofMuscovy)，ifweseeBavariatakingasuddenfancytotheBankofEngland，ortheKingoftheCannibalIslandssuddenlydemandingatributeofedibleboysandgirlsfromEnglandandAmerica，wemaybequitecertainalsothattheLeaderoftheLabourPartywillrise，withaslightcough，andsay:\"Itwouldbeadifficulttasktoapportiontheblamebetweenthevariousclaimswhich……\"
REVIVETHECOURTJESTER
IhopetheGovernmentwillnotthinkjustnowaboutappointingaPoetLaureate。Ihardlythinktheycanbealtogetherintherightmood。Thebusinessjustnowbeforethecountrymakesaverygooddetectivestory；
butasanationalepicitisalittledepressing。Jingoliteraturealwaysweakensanation；butevenhealthypatrioticliteraturehasitspropertimeandoccasion。Forinstance，Mr。Newbolt(whohasbeensuggestedforthepost)isaveryfinepoet；butIthinkhispatrioticlyricswouldjustnowratherjaruponapatriot。WearerathertoomuchconcernedaboutourpracticalseamanshiptofeelquiteconfidentthatDrakewillreturnand\"drumthemuptheChannelashedrummedthemlongago。\"Onthecontrary，wehaveanuncomfortablefeelingthatDrake\'sshipmightsuddenlygotothebottom，becausethecapitalistshavemadeLloydGeorgeabolishthePlimsollLine。Onecouldnot，withoutbeingunderstoodironically，adjurethetwopartyteamsto-dayto\"playup，playupandplaythegame，\"orto\"lovethegamemorethantheprize。\"Andthereisnonationalheroatthismomentinthesoldieringline——unless，perhaps，itisMajorArcher-Shee——ofwhomanyonewouldbelikelytosay:\"Sedmiles；sedpropatria。\"Thereis，indeed，onebeautifulpoemofMr。Newbolt\'swhichmayminglefaintlywithone\'sthoughtsinsuchtimes，butthat，alas，istoaverydifferenttune。ImeanthatoneinwhichheechoesTurner\'sconceptionoftheoldwoodenshipvanishingwithallthevaliantmemoriesoftheEnglish:
There\'safarbellringingAtthesettingofthesun，AndaphantomvoiceissingingOfthegreatdaysdone。
There\'safarbellringing，AndaphantomvoiceissingingOfafameforeverclingingTothegreatdaysdone。
Forthesunsetbreezesshiver，Temeraire，Temeraire，Andshe\'sfadingdowntheriver……
Well，well，neitheryounorIknowwhethersheisfadingdowntheriverornot。Itisquiteenoughforustoknow，asKingAlfreddid，thatagreatmanypirateshavelandedonbothbanksoftheThames。
PraiseandProphecyImpossibleAtthismomentthatistheonlykindofpatrioticpoemthatcouldsatisfytheemotionsofapatrioticperson。ButitcertainlyisnotthesortofpoemthatisexpectedfromaPoetLaureate，eitheronthehighestorthelowesttheoryofhisoffice。Heiseitheragreatminstrelsingingthevictoriesofagreatking，orheisacommonCourtofficialliketheGroomofthePowderCloset。Inthefirstcasehispraisesshouldbetrue；inthesecondcasetheywillnearlyalwaysbefalse；butineithercasehemustpraise。Andwhatthereisforhimtopraisejustnowitwouldbeprecioushardtosay。Andifthereisnogreathopeofarealpoet，thereisstilllesshopeofarealprophet。WhatNewmancalled，Ithink，\"ThePropheticalOffice，\"thatis，theinstitutionofaninspiredprotestevenagainstaninspiredreligion，certainlywouldnotdoinmodernEngland。
TheCourtisnotlikelytokeepatameprophetinordertoencouragehimtobewild。ItisnotlikelytopayamantosaythatwolvesshallhowlinDowning-streetandvulturesbuildtheirnestsinBuckinghamPalace。Sovasthasbeentheprogressofhumanitythatthesetwothingsarequiteimpossible。Wecannothaveagreatpoetpraisingkings。Wecannothaveagreatprophetdenouncingkings。SoIhavetofallbackonathirdsuggestion。
TheFieldforaFoolInsteadofrevivingtheCourtPoet，whynotrevivetheCourtFool？HeistheonlypersonwhocoulddoanygoodatthismomenteithertotheRoyalorthejudicialCourts。Thepresentpoliticalsituationisutterlyunsuitableforthepurposesofagreatpoet。Butitisparticularlysuitableforthepurposesofagreatbuffoon。Theoldjesterwasundercertainprivileges:youcouldnotresentthejokesofafool，justasyoucannotresentthesermonsofacurate。Now，whatthepresentGovernmentofEnglandwantsisneitherseriouspraisenorseriousdenunciation；whatitwantsissatire。Whatitwants，inotherwords，isrealismgivenwithgusto。WhenKingLouistheEleventhunexpectedlyvisitedhisenemy，theDukeofBurgundy，withasmallescort，theDuke\'sjestersaidhewouldgivetheKinghisfool\'scap，forhewasthefoolnow。AndwhentheDukerepliedwithdignity，\"AndsupposeItreathimwithallproperrespect？\"
thefoolanswered，\"ThenIwillgiveittoyou。\"Thatisthekindofthingthatsomebodyoughttobefreetosaynow。Butifyousayitnowyouwillbefinedahundredpoundsattheleast。
Carson\'sDilemmaForthethingsthathavebeenhappeninglatelyarenotmerelythingsthatonecouldjokeabout。Theyarethemselves，trulyandintrinsically，jokes。
Imeanthatthereisasortofepigramofunreasoninthesituationitself，astherewasinthesituationwheretherewasjamyesterdayandjamto-morrowbutneverjamto-day。Take，forinstance，theextraordinarycaseofSirEdwardCarson。ThepointisnotwhetherweregardhisattitudeinBelfastasthedefianceofasincereanddogmaticrebel，orasthebluffofapartyhackandmountebank。ThepointisnotwhetherweregardhisdefenceoftheGovernmentattheOldBaileyasachivalrousandreluctantdutydoneasanadvocateorafriend，orasamerecaseofalawyersellinghissoulforafatbrief。Thepointisthatwhicheverofthetwoactionsweapprove，andwhicheverofthefourexplanationsweadopt，SirEdward\'spositionisstillravingnonsense。Onanyargument，hecannotescapefromhisdilemma。Itmaybearguedthatlawsandcustomsshouldbeobeyedwhateverourprivatefeelings；andthatitisanestablishedcustomtoacceptabriefinsuchacase。ButthenitisasomewhatmoreestablishedcustomtoobeyanActofParliamentandtokeepthepeace。ItmaybearguedthatextrememisgovernmentjustifiesmeninUlsterorelsewhereinrefusingtoobeythelaw。Butthenitwouldjustifythemevenmoreinrefusingtoappearprofessionallyinalawcourt。
EtiquettecannotbeatoncesounimportantthatCarsonmayshootattheKing\'suniform，andyetsoimportantthathemustalwaysbereadytoputonhisown。TheGovernmentcannotbesodisreputablethatCarsonneednotlaydownhisgun，andyetsorespectablethatheisboundtoputonhiswig。Carsoncannotatoncebesofiercethathecankillinwhatheconsidersagoodcause，andyetsomeekthathemustargueinwhatheconsidersabadcause。Obedienceordisobedience，conventionalorunconventional，asolicitor\'slettercannotbemoresacredthantheKing\'swrit；abluebagcannotbemorerationalthantheBritishflag。Thethingisrubbishreadanyway，andtheonlydifficultyistogetajokegoodenoughtoexpressit。ItisacasefortheCourtJester。Thephantasyofitcouldonlybeexpressedbysomehugeceremonialhoax。Carsonoughttobecrownedwiththeshamrocksandemeraldsandfollowedbygreen-cladminstrelsoftheClan-na-Gael，playing\"TheWearingoftheGreen。\"
BelatedChattinessbyWirelessButalltherecenteventsarelikethat。Theyarepracticaljokes。Thejokesdonotneedtobemade:theyonlyneedtobepointedout。YouandIdonottalkandactastheIsaacsbrotherstalkedandacted，bytheirownmostfavourableaccountofthemselves；andeventheiraccountofthemselveswasbynomeansfavourable。YouandIdonottalkofmeetingourownbornbrother\"atafamilyfunction\"asifheweresomeinfinitelydistantcousinwhomweonlymetatChristmas。YouandI，whenwesuddenlyfeelinclinedforachatwiththesamebrotherabouthisdinnerandtheCoalStrike，donotgenerallyselecteitherwirelesstelegraphyortheAtlanticCableasthemostobviousandeconomicalchannelforthatoutburstofbelatedchattiness。YouandIdonottalk，ifitisproposedtostartarailwaybetweenCatsvilleandDogtown，asiftheputtingupofastationatDogtowncouldhavenokindofeconomiceffectontheputtingupofastationatCatsville。YouandIdonotthinkitcandidtosaythatwhenweareatoneendofatelephonewehavenosortofconnectionwiththeotherend。Thesethingshavegotintotheregionoffarce；andshouldbedealtwithfarcically，notevenferociously。
AFoolWhoShallBeFreeIntheRomanRepublictherewasaTribuneofthePeople，whosepersonwasinviolablelikeanambassador\'s。TherewasmuchthesameideainBecket\'sattempttoremovethePriest，whowasthenthepopularchampion，fromtheordinarycourts。WeshallhavenoTribune；forwehavenorepublic。WeshallhavenoPriest；forwehavenoreligion。ThebestwedeserveorcanexpectisaFoolwhoshallbefree；andwhoshalldeliveruswithlaughter。
THEARTOFMISSINGTHEPOINT
Missingthepointisaveryfineart；andhasbeencarriedtosomethinglikeperfectionbypoliticiansandPressmento-day。Forthepointisgenerallyaverysharppoint；andis，moreover，sharpatbothends。Thatistosaythatbothpartieswouldprobablyimpalethemselvesinanuncomfortablemanneriftheydidnotmanagetoavoiditaltogether。I
havejustbeenlookingattheelectionaddressoftheofficialLiberalcandidateforthepartofthecountryinwhichIlive；andthoughitis，ifanything，rathermorelogicalandfreefromcantthanmostotherdocumentsofthesortitisanexcellentexampleofmissingthepoint。
ThecandidatehastogoboringonaboutFreeTradeandLandReformandEducation；andnobodyreadingitcouldpossiblyimaginethatinthetownofWycombe，wherethepollwillbedeclared，thecapitaloftheWycombedivisionofBuckswhichthecandidateiscontesting，centreoftheimportantandvitaltradeonwhichithasthriven，asavagestruggleaboutjusticehasbeenragingformonthspastbetweenthepoorandrich，asrealastheFrenchRevolution。ThemanofferinghimselfatWycombeasrepresentativeoftheWycombedivisionsimplysaysnothingaboutitatall。
ItisasifamanatthecrisisoftheFrenchTerrorhadofferedhimselfasadeputyforthetownofParis，andhadsaidnothingabouttheMonarchy，nothingabouttheRepublic，nothingaboutthemassacres，nothingaboutthewar；buthadexplainedwithgreatclearnesshisviewsonthesuppressionoftheJansenists，theliterarystyleofRacine，thesuitabilityofTurenaeforthepostofcommander-in-chief，andthereligiousreflectionsofMadamedeMaintenon。For，attheirbest，thecandidate\'stopicsarenottopical。HomeRuleisaverygoodthing，andmoderneducationisaverybadthing；butneitherofthemarethingsthatanybodyistalkingaboutinHighWycombe。Thisisthefirstandsimplestwayofmissingthepoint:deliberatelytoavoidandignoreit。
TheCandidCandidateItwouldbeanamusingexperiment，bytheway，togotothepointinsteadofavoidingit。WhatfunitwouldbetostandasastrictPartycandidate，butissueaperfectlyfrankandcynicalElectionAddress。Mr。
Mosley\'saddressbegins，\"Gentlemen，——SirAlfredCrippshavingbeenchosenforahighjudicialpositionandaseatintheHouseofLords，aby-electionnowbecomesnecessary，andtheelectorsofSouthBucksarechargedwiththeresponsibledutyofelecting，etc。，etc。\"Butsupposetherewereanothercandidatewhoseelectionaddressopenedinaplain，manlystyle，likethis:\"Gentlemen，——InthesincerehopeofbeingmyselfchosenforahighjudicialpositionoraseatintheHouseofLords，orconsiderablyincreasingmyprivatefortunebysomeGovernmentappointment，or，atleast，insideinformationaboutthefinancialprospects，Ihavedecidedthatitisworthmywhiletodisburselargesumsofmoneytoyouonvariouspretexts，and，withevenmorereluctancetoendurethebadspeakingandbadventilationoftheCommons\'HouseofParliament，sohelpmeGod。Ihaveverypronouncedconvictionsonvariouspoliticalquestions；
butIwillnottroublemyfellow-citizenswiththem，sinceIhavequitemadeupmymindtoabandonanyorallofthemifrequestedtodosobytheupperclasses。TheelectorsarethereforechargedwiththeentirelyirresponsibledutyofelectingaMember；or，inotherwords，Iaskmyneighboursroundaboutthispart，whoknowIamnotabadchapinmanyways，todomeagoodturninmybusiness，justasImightaskthemtochangeasovereign。Myelectionwillhavenoconceivablekindofeffectonanythingoranybodyexceptmyself；soIask，asmantoman，theElectorsoftheSouthernorWycombeDivisionoftheCountyofBuckinghamtoacceptarideinoneofmymotor-cars；andpollearlytopleaseapal——GodSavetheKing。\"IdonotknowwhetheryouorIwouldbeelectedifwepresentedourselveswithanelectionaddressofthatkind；butweshouldhavehadourfunand(comparativelyspeaking)savedoursouls；andIhaveastrongsuspicionthatweshouldbeelectedorrejectedonamechanicalmajoritylikeanybodyelse；nobodyhavingdreamedofreadinganelectionaddressanymorethananadvertisementofahairrestorer。
TyrannyandHead-DressButthereisanotherandmoresubtlewayinwhichwemaymissthepoint；
andthatis，notbykeepingadeadsilenceaboutit，butbybeingjustwittyenoughtostateitwrong。Thus，someoftheLiberalofficialpapershavealmostscreweduptheircouragetothesticking-pointaboutthebestialcoupd\'etatinSouthAfrica。Theyhavescreweduptheircouragetothesticking-point；andithasstuck。Itcannotgetanyfurther；
becauseithasmissedthemainpoint。ThemodernLiberalsmaketheirfeebleattemptstoattacktheintroductionofslaveryintoSouthAfricabytheDutchandtheJews，byaverytypicalevasionofthevitalfact。Thevitalfactissimplyslavery。MostoftheseDutchmenhavealwaysfeltlikeslave-owners。MostoftheseJewshavealwaysfeltlikeslaves。Nowthattheyareontop，theyhaveaparticularandcuriouskindofimpudence，whichisonlyknownamongslaves。ButtheLiberaljournalistswilldotheirbesttosuggestthattheSouthAfricanwrongconsistedinwhattheycallMartialLaw。Thatis，thatthereissomethingspeciallywickedaboutmendoinganactofcrueltyinkhakiorinvermilion，butnotifitisdoneindarkbluewithpewterbuttons。Thetyrantwhowearsabusbyoraforagecapisabominable；thetyrantwhowearsahorsehairwigisexcusable。Tobejudgedbysoldiersishell；buttobejudgedbylawyersisparadise。
Nowthepointmustnotbemissedinthisway。WhatiswrongwiththetyrannyinAfricaisnotthatitisrunbysoldiers。Itwouldbequiteasbad，orworse，ifitwererunbypolicemen。Whatiswrongisthat，forthefirsttimesincePagantimes，privatemenarebeingforcedtoworkforaprivateman。Menarebeingpunishedbyimprisonmentorexileforrefusingtoacceptajob。ThefactthatBothacanrideonahorse，orfireoffagun，makeshimbetterratherthanworsethananymanlikeSidneyWebborPhilipSnowden，whoattemptthesameslaverybymuchlessmanlymethods。TheLiberalPartywilltrytodivertthewholediscussiontooneaboutwhattheycallmilitarism。Buttheverytermsofmodernpoliticscontradictit。ForwhenwetalkofrealrebelsagainstthepresentsystemwecallthemMilitants。AndtherewillbenoneintheServileState。
THESERVILESTATEAGAIN
Ireadtheotherday，inaquotationfromaGermannewspaper，thehighlycharacteristicremarkthatGermanyhavingannexedBelgiumwouldsoonre-establishitscommerceandprosperity，andthat，inparticular，arrangementswerealreadybeingmadeforintroducingintothenewprovincetheGermanlawsfortheprotectionofworkmen。
IamquitecontentwiththatparagraphforthepurposeofanycontroversyaboutwhatiscalledGermanatrocity。IfmenIknowhadnottoldmetheyhadthemselvesseenthebayonetingofababy；ifthemostrespectablerefugeesdidnotbringwiththemstoriesofburningcottages——yes，andofburningcottagersaswell；ifdoctorsdidnotreportwhattheydoreportoftheconditionofgirlsinthehospitals；iftherewerenofacts；iftherewerenophotographs，thatonephraseIhavequotedwouldbequitesufficienttosatisfymethatthePrussiansaretyrants；tyrantsinapeculiarandalmostinsanesensewhichmakesthempre-eminentamongtheevilprincesoftheearth。Thefirstandmoststrikingfeatureisastupiditythatrisesintoasortofghastlyinnocence。Theprotectionofworkmen!Someworkmen，perhaps，mighthaveafancyforbeingprotectedfromshrapnel；somemightbegladtoputupanumbrellathatwouldwardoffthingsdroppingfromthegentleZeppelininheavenupontheplacebeneath。SomeofthesediscontentedproletarianshavetakenthesameviewasVanderveldetheirleader，andarenowenergeticallyengagedinprotectingthemselvesalongthelineoftheYser；Iamgladtosaynotaltogetherwithoutsuccess。ItisprobablethatnearlyalloftheBelgianworkerswould，onthewhole，prefertobeprotectedagainstbombs，sabres，burningcities，starvation，torture，andthetreasonofwickedkings。Inshort，itisprobable——itisatleastpossible，impiousasistheidea——thattheywouldprefertobeprotectedagainstGermansandalltheyrepresent。ButifaBelgianworkmanistoldthatheisnottobeprotectedagainstGermans，butactuallytobeprotectedbyGermans，I
thinkhemaybeexcusedforstaring。Hisfirstimpulse，Iimagine，willbetoask，\"Againstwhom？Arethereanyworsepeopletocomealong？\"
Butapartfromthehellishironyofthishumanitarianidea，thequestionitraisesisreallyoneofsolidimportanceforpeoplewhosepoliticsaremoreorlesslikeours。Thereisaveryurgentpointinthatquestion，\"AgainstwhomwouldtheBelgianworkmenbeprotectedbytheGermanlaws？\"
Andifwepursueit，weshallbeenabledtoanalysesomethingofthatpoison——verylargelyaPrussianpoison——whichhaslongbeenworkinginourowncommonwealth，totheenslavementoftheweakandthesecretstrengtheningofthestrong。ForthePrussianarmiesare，pre-eminently，theadvanceguardoftheServileState。Isaythisscientifically，andquiteapartfrompassionorevenfrompreference。IhavenoillusionsabouteitherBelgiumorEngland。BothhavebeenstainedwiththesootofCapitalismandblindedwiththesmokeofmereColonialambition；bothhavebeencaughtatadisadvantageinsuchmoderndirtanddisorder；bothhavecomeoutmuchbetterthanIshouldhaveexpectedcountriessomodemandsoindustrialtodo。ButinEnglandandBelgiumthereisCapitalismmixedupwithagreatmanyotherthings，strongthingsandthingsthatpursueotheraims；Clericalism，forinstance，andmilitantSocialisminBelgium；TradesUnionismandsportandtheremainsofrealaristocracyinEngland。ButPrussiaisCapitalism；thatis，agraduallysolidifyingslavery；andthatmajesticunitywithwhichshemoves，draggingallthedumbGermaniesafterher，isduetothefactthatherServileStateiscomplete，whileoursisincomplete。Therearenotmutinies；therearenotevenmockeries；thevoiceofnationalself-criticismhasbeenextinguishedforever。Forthispeopleisalreadypermanentlyclovenintoahigherandalowerclass:initsindustryasmuchasitsarmy。Itsemployersare，inthestrictestandmostsinistersense，captainsofindustry。Itsproletariatis，inthetruestandmostpitiablesense，anarmyoflabour。Inthatatmospheremastersbearuponthemthesignsthattheyaremorethanmen；andtoinsultanofficerisdeath。
Ifanyoneaskhowthisextremeandunmistakablesubordinationoftheemployedtotheemployersisbroughtabout，weallknowtheanswer。Itisbroughtaboutbyhungerandhardnessofheart，acceleratedbyacertainkindoflegislation，ofwhichwehavehadagooddeallatelyinEngland，butwhichwasalmostinvariablyborrowedfromPrussia。Mr。HerbertSamuel\'ssuggestionthatthepoorshouldbeabletoputtheirmoneyinlittleboxesandnotbeabletogetitoutagainisasortofstandingsymbolofalltherest。Ihaveforgottenhowthepoorweregoingtobenefiteventuallybywhatisforthemindistinguishablefromdroppingsixpencedownadrain。Perhapstheyweregoingtogetitbacksomeday；
perhapswhentheycouldproduceahundredcouponsoutoftheDailyCitizen；
perhapswhentheygottheirhaircut；perhapswhentheyconsentedtobeinoculated，ortrepanned，orcircumcised，orsomething。Germanyisfullofthissortoflegislation；andifyouaskedaninnocentGerman，whohonestlybelievedinit，whatitwas，hewouldanswerthatitwasfortheprotectionofworkmen。
Andifyouaskedagain\"Theirprotectionfromwhat？\"youwouldhavethewholeplanandproblemoftheServileStateplaininfrontofyou。
Whatevernotionthereis，thereisnonotionwhateverofprotectingtheemployedperson_fromhisemployer_。Muchlessisthereanyideaofhiseverbeinganywhereexceptunderanemployer。WhatevertheCapitalistwantshegets。Hemayhavethesensetowantwashedandwell-fedlabourersratherthandirtyandfeebleones，andtherestrictionsmayhappentoexistintheformoflawsfromtheKaiserorby-lawsfromtheKrupps。ButtheKaiserwillnotoffendtheKrupps，andtheKruppswillnotoffendtheKaiser。Lawsofthiskind，then，donotattempttoprotectworkmenagainsttheinjusticeoftheCapitalistastheEnglishTradeUnionsdid。TheydonotattempttoprotectworkmenagainsttheinjusticeoftheStateasthemediaevalguildsdid。Obviouslytheycannotprotectworkmenagainsttheforeigninvader——especiallywhen(asinthecomiccaseofBelgium)theyareimposedbytheforeigninvader。Whatthenaresuchlawsdesignedtoprotectworkmenagainst？Tigers，rattlesnakes，hyenas？
Oh，myyoungfriends；oh，myChristianbrethren，theyaredesignedtoprotectthispoorpersonfromsomethingwhichtothoseofestablishedrankismorehorridthanmanyhyenas。Theyaredesigned，myfriends，toprotectamanfromhimself——fromsomethingthatthemastersoftheearthfearmorethanfamineorwar，andwhichPrussiaespeciallyfearsaseverythingfearsthatwhichwouldcertainlybeitsend。Theyaremeanttoprotectamanagainsthimself——thatis，theyaremeanttoprotectamanagainsthismanhood。
AndifanyoneremindsmethatthereisaSocialistPartyinGermany，I
replythatthereisn\'t。
THEEMPIREOFTHEIGNORANT
ThatanarchicfuturewhichthemoretimidToriesprofessedtofearhasalreadyfallenuponus。Weareruledbyignorantpeople。ButthemostignorantpeopleinmodernBritainaretobefoundintheupperclass，themiddleclass，andespeciallytheuppermiddleclass。Idonotsayitwiththesmallestpetulanceorevendistaste；theseclassesareoftenreallybeneficentintheirbreedingortheirhospitality，ortheirhumanitytoanimals。
ThereisstillnobettercompanythantheyoungatthetwoUniversities，orthebestoftheoldintheArmyorsomeoftheotherservices。Also，ofcourse，thereareexceptionsinthematteroflearning；realscholarslikeProfessorGilbertMurrayorProfessorPhillimorearenotignorant，thoughthey_are_gentlemen。Butwhenonelooksupatanymassofthewealthierandmorepowerfulclasses，attheGrandStandatEpsom，atthewindowsofPark-lane，atthepeopleatafull-dressdebateorafashionablewedding，weshallbesafeinsayingthattheyare，forthemostpart，themostill-taught，oruntaught，creaturesintheseislands。
LiterallyIlliterateItisindeedtheirfeebleboastthattheyarenotliterallyilliterate。
Theyarealwayssayingtheancientbaronscouldnotsigntheirownnames——fortheyknowlessofhistoryperhapsthanofanythingelse。Themodernbarons，however，cansigntheirownnames——orsomeoneelse\'sforachange。Theycansigntheirownnames；andthatisaboutalltheycando。
Theycannotfaceafact，orfollowanargument，orfeelatradition；but，leastofall，canthey，uponanypersuasion，readthroughaplainimpartialbook，Englishorforeign，thatisnotspeciallywrittentosoothetheirpanicortopleasetheirpride。LookingupattheseseatsofthemightyIcanonlysay，withsomethingofdespair，whatRobertLowesaidoftheenfranchisedworkmen:\"Wemusteducateourmasters。\"