Inadentist\'soperatingroomonafineAugustmorningin1896。NottheusualtinyLondonden,butthebestsittingroomofafurnishedlodginginaterraceontheseafrontatafashionablewateringplace。
Theoperatingchair,withagaspumpandcylinderbesideit,ishalfwaybetweenthecentreoftheroomandoneofthecorners。Ifyoulookintotheroomthroughthewindowwhichlightsit,youwillseethefireplaceinthemiddleofthewalloppositeyou,withthedoorbesideittoyourleft;anM。R。C。S。diplomainaframehungonthechimneypiece;aneasychaircoveredinblackleatheronthehearth;aneatstoolandbench,withvice,tools,andamortarandpestleinthecornertotheright。
Nearthisbenchstandsaslendermachinelikeawhipprovidedwithastand,apedal,andanexaggeratedwinch。Recognisingthisasadentaldrill,youshudderandlookawaytoyourleft,whereyoucanseeanotherwindow,underneathwhichstandsawritingtable,withablotterandadiaryonit,andachair。Nextthewritingtable,towardsthedoor,isaleathercoveredsofa。Theoppositewall,closeonyourright,isoccupiedmostlybyabookcase。Theoperatingchairisunderyournose,facingyou,withthecabinetofinstrumentshandytoitonyourleft。
Youobservethattheprofessionalfurnitureandapparatusarenew,andthatthewallpaper,designed,withthetasteofanundertaker,infestoonsandurns,thecarpetwithitssymmetricalplansofrich,cabbagynosegays,theglassgasalierwithlustres;theornamentalgiltrimmedbluecandlesticksontheendsofthemantelshelf,alsoglass-
drapedwithlustres,andtheormoluclockunderaglass-coverinthemiddlebetweenthem,itsuselessnessemphasizedbyacheapAmericanclockdisrespectfullyplacedbesideitandnowindicating12o\'clocknoon,allcombinewiththeblackmarblewhichgivesthefireplacetheairofaminiaturefamilyvault,tosuggestearlyVictoriancommercialrespectability,beliefinmoney,Biblefetichism,fearofhellalwaysatwarwithfearofpoverty,instinctivehorrorofthepassionatecharacterofart,loveandRomanCatholicreligion,andallthefirstfruitsofplutocracyintheearlygenerationsoftheindustrialrevolution。
Thereisnoshadowofthisonthetwopersonswhoareoccupyingtheroomjustnow。Oneofthem,averyprettywomaninminiature,hertinyfiguredressedwiththedaintiestgaiety,isofalatergeneration,beinghardlyeighteenyet。Thisdarlinglittlecreatureclearlydoesnotbelongtotheroom,oreventothecountry;forhercomplexion,thoughverydelicate,hasbeenburntbiscuitcolorbysomewarmersunthanEngland\'s;andyetthereis,foraverysubtleobserver,alinkbetweenthem。Forshehasaglassofwaterinherhand,andarapidlyclearingcloudofSpartanobstinacyonhertinyfirmsetmouthandquaintlysquaredeyebrows。Iftheleastlineofconsciencecouldbetracedbetweenthoseeyebrows,anEvangelicalmightcherishsomefainthopeoffindingherasheepinwolf\'sclothing-forherfrockisrecklesslypretty-butasthecloudvanishesitleavesherfrontalsinusassmoothlyfreefromconvictionofsinasakitten\'s。
Thedentist,contemplatingherwiththeself-satisfactionofasuccessfuloperator,isayoungmanofthirtyorthereabouts。Hedoesnotgivetheimpressionofbeingmuchofaworkman:hisprofessionalmannerevidentlystrikeshimasbeingajoke,andisunderlainbyathoughtlesspleasantrywhichbetraystheyounggentlemanstillunsettledandinsearchofamusingadventures,behindthenewlyset-updentistinsearchofpatients。Heisnotwithoutgravityofdemeanor;butthestrainednostrilsstampitasthegravityofthehumorist。Hiseyesareclear,alert,ofscepticallymoderatesize,andyetalittlerash;hisforeheadisanexcellentone,withplentyofroombehindit;hisnoseandchincavalierlyhandsome。Onthewhole,anattractive,noticeablebeginner,ofwhoseprospectsamanofbusinessmightformatolerablyfavorableestimate。
THEYOUNGLADY(handinghimtheglass)。Thankyou。(Inspiteofthebiscuitcomplexionshehasnottheslightestforeignaccent。)
THEDENTIST(puttingitdownontheledgeofhiscabinetofinstruments)。Thatwasmyfirsttooth。
THEYOUNGLADY(aghast)。Yourfirst!Doyoumeantosaythatyoubeganpractisingonme?
THEDENTIST。Everydentisthastobeginonsomebody。
THEYOUNGLADY。Yes:somebodyinahospital,notpeoplewhopay。
THEDENTIST(laughing)。Oh,thehospitaldoesn\'tcount。Ionlymeantmyfirsttoothinprivatepractice。Whydidn\'tyouletmegiveyougas?
THEYOUNGLADY。Becauseyousaiditwouldbefiveshillingsextra。
THEDENTIST(shocked)。Oh,don\'tsaythat。ItmakesmefeelasifI
hadhurtyouforthesakeoffiveshillings。
THEYOUNGLADY(withcoolinsolence)。Well,soyouhave!(Shegetsup。)Whyshouldn\'tyou?it\'syourbusinesstohurtpeople。(Itamuseshimtobetreatedinthisfashion:hechucklessecretlyasheproceedstocleanandreplacehisinstruments。Sheshakesherdressintoorder;
looksinquisitivelyabouther;andgoestothewindow。)Youhaveagoodviewoftheseafromtheserooms!Aretheyexpensive?
THEDENTIST。Yes。
THEYOUNGLADY。Youdon\'townthewholehouse,doyou?
THEDENTIST。No。
THEYOUNGLADY(takingthechairwhichstandsatthewriting-tableandlookingcriticallyatitasshespinsitroundononeleg。)Yourfurnitureisn\'tquitethelatestthing,isit?
THEDENTIST。It\'smylandlord\'s。
THEYOUNGLADY。DoesheownthatnicecomfortableBathchair?
(pointingtotheoperatingchair。)
THEDENTIST。No:Ihavethatonthehire-purchasesystem。
THEYOUNGLADY(disparagingly)。Ithoughtso。(Lookingaboutheragaininsearchoffurtherconclusions。)Isupposeyouhaven\'tbeenherelong?
THEDENTIST。Sixweeks。Isthereanythingelseyouwouldliketoknow?
THEYOUNGLADY(thehintquitelostonher)。Anyfamily?
THEDENTIST。Iamnotmarried。
THEYOUNGLADY。Ofcoursenot:anybodycanseethat。Imeantsistersandmotherandthatsortofthing。
THEDENTIST。Notonthepremises。
THEYOUNGLADY。Hm!Ifyou\'vebeenheresixweeks,andminewasyourfirsttooth,thepracticecan\'tbeverylarge,canit?
THEDENTIST。Notasyet。(Heshutsthecabinet,havingtidiedupeverything。)
THEYOUNGLADY。Well,goodluck!(Shetakesourherpurse。)Fiveshillings,yousaiditwouldbe?
THEDENTIST。Fiveshillings。
THEYOUNGLADY(producingacrownpiece)。Doyouchargefiveshillingsforeverything?
THEDENTIST。Yes。
THEYOUNGLADY。Why?
THEDENTIST。It\'smysystem。I\'mwhat\'scalledafiveshillingdentist。
THEYOUNGLADY。Hownice!Well,here!(holdingupthecrownpiece)anicenewfiveshillingpiece!yourfirstfee!Makeaholeinitwiththethingyoudrillpeople\'steethwithandwearitonyourwatch-chain。
THEDENTIST。Thankyou。
THEPARLORMAID(appearingatthedoor)。Theyounglady\'sbrother,sir。
Ahandsomemaninminiature,obviouslytheyounglady\'stwin,comesineagerly。Hewearsasuitofterra-cottacashmere,theelegantlycutfrockcoatlinedinbrownsilk,andcarriesinhishandabrowntallhatandtanglovestomatch。Hehashissister\'sdelicatebiscuitcomplexion,andisbuiltonthesamesmallscale;butheiselasticandstronginmuscle,decisiveinmovement,unexpectedlydeeptonedandtrenchantinspeech,andwithperfectmannersandafinishedpersonalstylewhichmightbeenviedbyamantwicehisage。Suavityandself-
possessionarepointsofhonorwithhim;andthoughthis,rightlyconsidered,isonlythemodernmodeofboyishself-consciousness,itseffectisnonethelessstaggeringtohiselders,andwouldbeinsufferableinalessprepossessingyouth。Heispromptitudeitself,andhasaquestionreadythemomentheenters。
THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。AmIontime?
THEYOUNGLADY。No:it\'sallover。
THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。Didyouhowl?
THEYOUNGLADY。Oh,somethingawful。Mr。Valentine:thisismybrotherPhil。Phil:thisisMr。Valentine,ournewdentist。(ValentineandPhilbowtooneanother。Sheproceeds,allinonebreath。)He\'sonlybeenheresixweeks;andhe\'sabachelor。Thehouseisn\'this;andthefurnitureisthelandlord\'s;buttheprofessionalplantishired。
Hegotmytoothoutbeautifullyatthefirstgo;andheandIaregreatfriends。
PHILIP。Beenaskingalotofquestions?
THEYOUNGLADY(asifincapableofdoingsuchathing)。Oh,no。
PHILIP。Gladtohearit。(ToValentine。)Sogoodofyounottomindus,Mr。Valentine。Thefactis,we\'veneverbeeninEnglandbefore;andourmothertellsusthatthepeopleheresimplywon\'tstandus。Comeandlunchwithus。(Valentine,bewilderedbytheleapsandboundswithwhichtheiracquaintanceshipisproceeding,gasps;buthehasnoopportunityofspeaking,astheconversationofthetwinsisswiftandcontinuous。)
THEYOUNGLADY。Oh,do,Mr。Valentine。
PHILIP。AttheMarineHotel-halfpastone。
THEYOUNGLADY。WeshallbeabletotellmammathatarespectableEnglishmanhaspromisedtolunchwithus。
PHILIP。Saynomore,Mr。Valentine:you\'llcome。
VALENTINE。Saynomore!Ihaven\'tsaidanything。MayIaskwhomI
havethepleasureofentertaining?It\'sreallyquiteimpossibleformetolunchattheMarineHotelwithtwoperfectstrangers。
THEYOUNGLADY(flippantly)。Ooooh!whatbosh!Onepatientinsixweeks!Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyou?
PHILIP(maturely)。No,Dolly:myknowledgeofhumannatureconfirmsMr。Valentine\'sjudgment。Heisright。LetmeintroduceMissDorothyClandon,commonlycalledDolly。(ValentinebowstoDolly。Shenodstohim。)I\'mPhilipClandon。We\'refromMadeira,butperfectlyrespectable,sofar。
VALENTINE。Clandon!Areyourelatedto——
DOLLY(unexpectedlycryingoutindespair)。Yes,weare。
VALENTINE(astonished)。Ibegyourpardon?
DOLLY。Oh,weare,weare。It\'sallover,Phil:theyknowallaboutusinEngland。(ToValentine。)Oh,youcan\'tthinkhowmaddeningitistoberelatedtoacelebratedperson,andneverbevaluedanywhereforourownsakes。
VALENTINE。Butexcuseme:thegentlemanIwasthinkingofisnotcelebrated。
DOLLY(staringathim)。Gentleman!(Philisalsopuzzled。)
VALENTINE。Yes。IwasgoingtoaskwhetheryouwerebyanychanceadaughterofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。
DOLLY(vacantly)。No。
PHILIP。Wellcome,Dolly:howdoyouknowyou\'renot?
DOLLY(cheered)。Oh,Iforgot。Ofcourse。PerhapsIam。
VALENTINE。Don\'tyouknow?
PHILIP。Notintheleast。
DOLLY。It\'sawisechild——
PHILIP(cuttinghershort)。Sh!(Valentinestartsnervously;forthesoundmadebyPhilip,thoughbutmomentary,islikecuttingasheetofsilkintwowithaflashoflightning。ItistheresultoflongpracticeincheckingDolly\'sindiscretions。)Thefactis,Mr。
Valentine,wearethechildrenofthecelebratedMrs。LanfreyClandon,anauthoressofgreatrepute-inMadeira。Nohouseholdiscompletewithoutherworks。WecametoEnglandtogetawayfromthem。ThearecalledtheTwentiethCenturyTreatises。
DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyCooking。
PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyCreeds。
DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyClothing。
PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyConduct。
DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyChildren。
PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyParents。
DOLLY。Clothlimp,halfadollar。
PHILIP。Ormountedonlinenforhardfamilyuse,twodollars。Nofamilyshouldbewithoutthem。Readthem,Mr。Valentine:they\'llimproveyourmind。
DOLLY。Butnottillwe\'vegone,please。
PHILIP。Quiteso:wepreferpeoplewithunimprovedminds。Ourownmindsareinthatfreshandunspoiledcondition。
VALENTINE(dubiously)。Hm!
DOLLY(echoinghiminquiringly)。Hm?Phil:hepreferspeoplewhosemindsareimproved。
PHILIP。Inthatcaseweshallhavetointroducehimtotheothermemberofthefamily:theWomanoftheTwentiethCentury;oursisterGloria!
DOLLY(dithyrambically)。Nature\'smasterpiece!
PHILIP。Learning\'sdaughter!
DOLLY。Madeira\'spride!
PHILIP。Beauty\'sparagon!
DOLLY(suddenlydescendingtoprose)。Bosh!Nocomplexion。
VALENTINE(desperately)。MayIhaveaword?
PHILIP(politely)。Excuseus。Goahead。
DOLLY(verynicely)。Sosorry。
VALENTINE(attemptingtotakethempaternally)。Ireallymustgiveahinttoyouyoungpeople——
DOLLY(breakingoutagain)。Oh,come:Ilikethat。Howoldareyou?
PHILIP。Overthirty。
DOLLY。He\'snot。
PHILIP(confidently)。Heis。
DOLLY(emphatically)。Twenty-seven。
PHILIP(imperturbably)。Thirty-three。
DOLLY。Stuff!
PHILIP(toValentine)。Iappealtoyou,Mr。Valentine。
VALENTINE(remonstrating)。Well,really——(resigninghimself。)
Thirty-one。
PHILIP(toDolly)。Youwerewrong。
DOLLY。Sowereyou。
PHILIP(suddenlyconscientious)。We\'reforgettingourmanners,Dolly。
DOLLY(remorseful)。Yes,soweare。
PHILIP(apologetic)。Weinterruptedyou,Mr。Valentine。
DOLLY。Youweregoingtoimproveourminds,Ithink。
VALENTINE。Thefactis,your——
PHILIP(anticipatinghim)。Ourappearance?
DOLLY。Ourmanners?
VALENTINE(admisericordiam)。Oh,doletmespeak。
DOLLY。Theoldstory。Wetalktoomuch。
PHILIP。Wedo。Shutup,both。(Heseatshimselfonthearmoftheopposingchair。)
DOLLY。Mum!(Shesitsdowninthewriting-tablechair,andclosesherlipstightwiththetipsofherfingers。)
VALENTINE。Thankyou。(Hebringsthestoolfromthebenchinthecorner;placesitbetweenthem;andsitsdownwithajudicialair。Theyattendtohimwithextremegravity。HeaddresseshimselffirsttoDolly。)NowmayIask,tobeginwith,haveyoueverbeeninanEnglishseasideresortbefore?(Sheshakesherheadslowlyandsolemnly。HeturnstoPhil,whoshakeshisheadquicklyandexpressively。)Ithoughtso。Well,Mr。Clandon,ouracquaintancehasbeenshort;butithasbeenvoluble;andIhavegatheredenoughtoconvincemethatyouareneitherofyoucapableofconceivingwhatlifeinanEnglishseasideresortis。
Believeme,it\'snotaquestionofmannersandappearance。InthoserespectsweenjoyafreedomunknowninMadeira。(Dollyshakesherheadvehemently。)Oh,yes,Iassureyou。LorddeCresci\'ssisterbicyclesinknickerbockers;andtherector\'swifeadvocatesdressreformandwearshygienicboots。(Dollyfurtivelylooksatherownshoe:Valentinecatchesherintheact,anddeftlyadds)No,that\'snotthesortofbootImean。(Dolly\'sshoevanishes。)Wedon\'tbothermuchaboutdressandmannersinEngland,because,asanationwedon\'tdresswellandwe\'venomanners。But-andnowwillyouexcusemyfrankness?(Theynod。)Thankyou。Well,inaseasideresortthere\'sonethingyoumusthavebeforeanybodycanaffordtobeseengoingaboutwithyou;andthat\'safather,aliveordead。(Helooksatthemalternately,withemphasis。Theymeethisgazelikemartyrs。)AmItoinferthatyouhaveomittedthatindispensablepartofyoursocialequipment?(Theyconfirmhimbymelancholynods。)ThemI\'msorrytosaythatifyouaregoingtostayhereforanylengthoftime,itwillbeimpossibleformetoacceptyourkindinvitationtolunch。(Heriseswithanairoffinality,andreplacesthestoolbythebench。)
PHILIP(risingwithgravepoliteness)。Come,Dolly。(Hegivesherhisarm。)
DOLLY。Goodmorning。(Theygotogethertothedoorwithperfectdignity。)
VALENTINE(overwhelmedwithremorse)。Oh,stop,stop。(Theyhaltandturn,arminarm。)Youmakemefeelaperfectbeast。
DOLLY。That\'syourconscience:notus。
VALENTINE(energetically,throwingoffallpretenceofaprofessionalmanner)。Myconscience!Myconsciencehasbeenmyruin。Listentome。
TwicebeforeIhavesetupasarespectablemedicalpractitionerinvariouspartsofEngland。OnbothoccasionsIactedconscientiously,andtoldmypatientsthebrutetruthinsteadofwhattheywantedtobetold。Result,ruin。NowI\'vesetupasadentist,afiveshillingdentist;andI\'vedonewithconscienceforever。Thisismylastchance。
Ispentmylastsovereignonmovingin;andIhaven\'tpaidashillingofrentyet。I\'meatinganddrinkingoncredit;mylandlordisasrichasaJewandashardasnails;andI\'vemadefiveshillingsinsixweeks。
IfIswervebyahair\'sbreadthfromthestraightlineofthemostrigidrespectability,I\'mdonefor。Undersuchacircumstance,isitfairtoaskmetolunchwithyouwhenyoudon\'tknowyourownfather?
DOLLY。Afterall,ourgrandfatherisacanonofLincolnCathedral。
VALENTINE(likeacastawaymarinerwhoseesasailonthehorizon)。
What!Haveyouagrandfather?
DOLLY。Onlyone。
VALENTINE。Mydear,goodyoungfriends,whyonearthdidn\'tyoutellmethatbefore?AcannonofLincoln!Thatmakesitallright,ofcourse。JustexcusemewhileIchangemycoat。(Hereachesthedoorinaboundandvanishes。DollyandPhilstareafterhim,andthenstareatoneanother。Missingtheiraudience,theydroopandbecomecommonplaceatonce。)
PHILIP(throwingawayDolly\'sarmandcomingill-humoredlytowardstheoperatingchair)。Thatwretchedbankruptivorysnatchermakesacomplimentofallowingustostandhimalunch-probablythefirstsquaremealhehashadformonths。(Hegivesthechairakick,asifitwereValentine。)
DOLLY。It\'stoobeastly。Iwon\'tstanditanylonger,Phil。HereinEnglandeverybodyaskswhetheryouhaveafathertheveryfirstthing。
PHILIP。Iwon\'tstanditeither。Mammamusttelluswhohewas。
DOLLY。Orwhoheis。Hemaybealive。
PHILIP。Ihopenot。Nomanaliveshallfatherme。
DOLLY。Hemighthavealotofmoney,though。
PHILIP。Idoubtit。Myknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatifhehadalotofmoneyhewouldn\'thavegotridofhisaffectionatefamilysoeasily。Anyhow,let\'slookatthebrightsideofthings。Dependonit,he\'sdead。(Hegoestothehearthandstandswithhisbacktothefireplace,spreadinghimself。Theparlormaidappears。Thetwins,underobservation,instantlyshineoutagainwiththeirformerbrilliancy。)
THEPARLORMAID。Twoladiesforyou,miss。Yourmotherandsister,miss,Ithink。
Mrs。ClandonandGloriacomein。Mrs。Clandonisbetweenfortyandfifty,withaslighttendencytosoft,sedentaryfat,andafairremainderofgoodlooks,nonetheworsepreservedbecauseshehasevidentlyfollowedtheoldtribalmatronlyfashionofmakingnopretensioninthatdirectionafterhermarriage,andmightalmostbesuspectedofwearingacapathome。Shecarriesherselfartificiallywell,aswomenweretaughttodoasapartofgoodmannersbydancingmastersandrecliningboardsbeforetheseweresupersededbythemodernartisticcultofbeautyandhealth。Herhair,aflaxenhazelfadingintowhite,iscrimped,andpartedinthemiddlewiththeendsplaitedandmadeintoaknot,fromwhichobservantpeopleofacertainageinferthatMrs。Clandonhadsufficientindividualityandgoodtastetostandoutresolutelyagainstthenowforgottenchignoninhergirlhood。Inshort,sheisdistinctlyoldfashionedforherageindressandmanners。
Butshebelongstotheforefrontofherownperiod(say1860-80)inajealouslyassertiveattitudeofcharacterandintellect,andinbeingawomanofcultivatedinterestsratherthanpassionatelydevelopedpersonalaffections。Hervoiceandwaysareentirelykindlyandhumane;
andshelendsherselfconscientiouslytotheoccasionaldemonstrationsoffondnessbywhichherchildrenmarktheiresteemforher;butdisplaysofpersonalsentimentsecretlyembarrassher:passioninherishumanitarianratherthanhuman:shefeelsstronglyaboutsocialquestionsandprinciples,notaboutpersons。Only,oneobservesthatthisreasonablenessandintensepersonalprivacy,whichleavesherrelationswithGloriaandPhilmuchastheymightbebetweenherandthechildrenofanyotherwoman,breaksdowninthecaseofDolly。Thoughalmosteverywordsheaddressestoherisnecessarilyinthenatureofaremonstranceforsomebreachofdecorum,thetendernessinhervoiceisunmistakable;anditisnotsurprisingthatyearsofsuchremonstrancehaveleftDollyhopelesslyspoiled。
Gloria,whoishardlypasttwenty,isamuchmoreformidablepersonthanhermother。Sheistheincarnationofhaughtyhighmindedness,ragingwiththeimpatienceofanimpetuous,dominativecharacterparalyzedbytheimpotenceofheryouth,andunwillinglydisciplinedbytheconstantdangerofridiculefromherlighter-handedjuniors。Unlikehermother,sheisallpassion;andtheconflictofherpassionwithherobstinateprideandintensefastidiousnessresultsinafreezingcoldnessofmanner。Inanuglywomanallthiswouldberepulsive;butGloriaisanattractivewoman。Herdeepchestnuthair,olivebrownskin,longeyelashes,shadedgreyeyesthatoftenflashlikestars,delicatelyturnedfulllips,andcompactandsupple,butmuscularlyplumpfigureappealwithdisdainfulfranknesstothesensesandimagination。Averydangerousgirl,onewouldsay,ifthemoralpassionswerenotalsomarked,andevennoblymarked,inafinebrow。
Hertailor-madeskirt-and-jacketdressofsaffronbrowncloth,seemsconventionalwhenherbackisturned;butitdisplaysinfrontablouseofsea-greensilkwhichupsetsitsconventionalitywithonestroke,andsetsherapartaseffectuallyasthetwinsfromtheordinaryrunoffashionableseasidehumanity。
Mrs。Clandoncomesalittlewayintotheroom,lookingroundtoseewhoispresent。Gloria,whostudiouslyavoidsencouragingthetwinsbybetrayinganyinterestinthem,wanderstothewindowandlooksoutwithherthoughtsfaraway。Theparlormaid,insteadofwithdrawing,shutsthedoorandwaitsatit。
MRS。CLANDON。Well,children?Howisthetoothache,Dolly?
DOLLY。Cured,thankHeaven。I\'vehaditout。(Shesitsdownonthestepoftheoperatingchair。Mrs。Clandontakesthewriting-tablechair。)
PHILIP(strikingingravelyfromthehearth)。Andthedentist,afirst-rateprofessionalmanofthehigheststanding,iscomingtolunchwithus。
MRS。CLANDON(lookingroundapprehensivelyattheservant)。Phil!
THEPARLORMAID。Begpardon,ma\'am。I\'mwaitingforMr。Valentine。
Ihaveamessageforhim。
DOLLY。Whofrom?
MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Dolly!(Dollycatchesherlipswithherfingertips,suppressingalittlesplutterofmirth。)
THEPARLORMAID。Onlythelandlord,ma\'am。
Valentine,inabluesergesuit,withastrawhatinhishand,comesbackinhighspirits,outofbreathwiththehastehehasmade。Gloriaturnsfromthewindowandstudieshimwithfreezingattention。
PHILIP。Letmeintroduceyou,Mr。Valentine。Mymother,Mrs。
LanfreyClandon。(Mrs。Clandonbows。Valentinebows,self-possessedandquiteequaltotheoccasion。)MysisterGloria。(Gloriabowswithcolddignityandsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinefallsinloveatfirstsightandismiserablyconfused。Hefingershishatnervously,andmakesherasneakingbow。)
MRS。CLANDON。Iunderstandthatwearetohavethepleasureofseeingyouatluncheonto-day,Mr。Valentine。
VALENTINE。Thankyou——er——ifyoudon\'tmind——Imeanifyouwillbesokind——(totheparlormaidtestily)Whatisit?
THEPARLORMAID。Thelandlord,sir,wishestospeaktoyoubeforeyougoout。
VALENTINE。Oh,tellhimIhavefourpatientshere。(TheClandonslooksurprised,exceptPhil,whoisimperturbable。)Ifhewouldn\'tmindwaitingjusttwominutes,I——I\'llslipdownandseehimforamoment。
(Throwinghimselfconfidentiallyonhersenseoftheposition。)SayI\'mbusy,butthatIwanttoseehim。
THEPARLORMAID(reassuringly)。Yes,sir。(Shegoes。)
MRS。CLANDON(onthepointofrising)。Wearedetainingyou,Iamafraid。
VALENTINE。Notatall,notatall。Yourpresenceherewillbethegreatesthelptome。Thefactis,Iowesixweek\'srent;andI\'vehadnopatientsuntilto-day。Myinterviewwithmylandlordwillbeconsiderablysmoothedbytheapparentboominmybusiness。
DOLLY(vexed)。Oh,howtiresomeofyoutoletitallout!Andwe\'vejustbeenpretendingthatyouwerearespectableprofessionalmaninafirst-rateposition。
MRS。CLANDON(horrified)。Oh,Dolly,Dolly!Mydearest,howcanyoubesorude?(ToValentine。)Willyouexcusethesebarbarianchildrenofmine,Mr。Valentine?
VALENTINE。Thankyou,I\'musedtothem。WoulditbetoomuchtoaskyoutowaitfiveminuteswhileIgetridofmylandlorddownstairs?
DOLLY。Don\'tbelong。We\'rehungry。
MRS。CLANDON(againremonstrating)。Dolly,dear!
VALENTINE(toDolly)。Allright。(ToMrs。Clandon。)Thankyou:I
shan\'tbelong。(HestealsalookatGloriaasheturnstogo。Sheislookinggravelyathim。Hefallsintoconfusion。)I——er——er——yes——
thankyou(hesucceedsatlastinblunderinghimselfoutoftheroom;
buttheexhibitionisapitifulone)。
PHILIP。Didyouobserve?(PointingtoGloria。)Loveatfirstsight。Youcanaddhisscalptoyourcollection,Gloria。
MRS。CLANDON。Sh——sh,pray,Phil。Hemayhaveheardyou。
PHILIP。Nothe。(Bracinghimselfforascene。)Andnowlookhere,mamma。(Hetakesthestoolfromthebench;andseatshimselfmajesticallyinthemiddleoftheroom,takingaleafoutofValentine\'sbook。Dolly,feelingthatherpositiononthestepoftheoperatingchairisunworthyofthedignityoftheoccasion,rises,lookingimportantanddetermined;crossestothewindow;andstandswithherbacktotheendofthewriting-table,herhandsbehindherandonthetable。Mrs。Clandonlooksatthem,wonderingwhatiscoming。Gloriabecomesattentive。Philipstraightenshisback;placeshisknucklessymmetricallyonhisknees;andopenshiscase。)DollyandIhavebeentalkingoverthingsagooddeallately;andIdon\'tthink,judgingfrommyknowledgeofhumannature——wedon\'tthinkthatyou(speakingverystaccato,withthewordsdetached)quiteappreciatethefact——
DOLLY(seatingherselfontheendofthetablewithaspring)。Thatwe\'vegrownup。
MRS。CLANDON。Indeed?InwhatwayhaveIgivenyouanyreasontocomplain?
PHILIP。Well,therearecertainmattersuponwhichwearebeginningtofeelthatyoumighttakeusalittlemoreintoyourconfidence。
MRS。CLANDON(rising,withalltheplacidityofheragesuddenlybrokenup;andacurioushardexcitement,dignifiedbutdogged,ladylikebutimplacable——themanneroftheOldGuardoftheWomen\'sRightsmovement——cominguponher)。Phil:takecare。RememberwhatIhavealwaystaughtyou。Therearetwosortsoffamilylife,Phil;andyourexperienceofhumannatureonlyextends,sofar,tooneofthem。
(Rhetorically。)Thesortyouknowisbasedonmutualrespect,onrecognitionoftherightofeverymemberofthehouseholdtoindependenceandprivacy(heremphasison\"privacy\"isintense)intheirpersonalconcerns。Andbecauseyouhavealwaysenjoyedthat,itseemssuchamatterofcoursetoyouthatyoudon\'tvalueit。But(withbitingacrimony)thereisanothersortoffamilylife:alifeinwhichhusbandsopentheirwives\'letters,andcallonthemtoaccountforeveryfarthingoftheirexpenditureandeverymomentoftheirtime;inwhichwomendothesametotheirchildren;inwhichnoroomisprivateandnohoursacred;inwhichduty,obedience,affection,home,moralityandreligionaredetestabletyrannies,andlifeisavulgarroundofpunishmentsandlies,coercionandrebellion,jealousy,suspicion,recrimination——Oh!Icannotdescribeittoyou:fortunatelyforyou,youknownothingaboutit。(Shesitsdown,panting。Gloriahaslistenedtoherwithflashingeyes,sharingallherindignation。)
DOLLY(inaccessibletorhetoric)。SeeTwentiethCenturyParents,chapteronLiberty,passim。
MRS。CLANDON(touchinghershoulderaffectionately,soothedevenbyagibefromher)。MydearDolly:ifyouonlyknewhowgladIamthatitisnothingbutajoketoyou,thoughitissuchbitterearnesttome。
(Moreresolutely,turningtoPhilip。)Phil,Ineveraskyouquestionsaboutyourprivateconcerns。Youarenotgoingtoquestionme,areyou?
PHILIP。Ithinkitduetoourselvestosaythatthequestionwewantedtoaskisasmuchourbusinessasyours。
DOLLY。Besides,itcan\'tbegoodtokeepalotofquestionsbottledupinsideyou。Youdidit,mamma;butseehowawfullyit\'sbrokenoutagaininme。
MRS。CLANDON。Iseeyouwanttoaskyourquestion。Askit。
DOLLYANDPHILIP(beginningsimultaneously)。Who——(Theystop。)
PHILIP。Nowlookhere,Dolly:amIgoingtoconductthisbusinessorareyou?
DOLLY。You。
PHILIP。Thenholdyourmouth。(Dollydoessoliterally。)Thequestionisasimpleone。Whentheivorysnatcher——
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil!
PHILIP。Dentistisanuglyword。ThemanofivoryandgoldaskeduswhetherwewerethechildrenofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。
InpursuanceofthepreceptsinyourtreatiseonTwentiethCenturyConduct,andyourrepeatedpersonalexhortationstoustocurtailthenumberofunnecessarylieswetell,werepliedtruthfullythewedidn\'tknow。
DOLLY。Neitherdidwe。
PHILIP。Sh!Theresultwasthatthegumarchitectmadeconsiderabledifficultiesaboutacceptingourinvitationtolunch,althoughIdoubtifhehashadanythingbutteaandbreadandbutterforafortnightpast。Nowmyknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatwehadafather,andthatyouprobablyknowwhohewas。
MRS。CLANDON(heragitationreturning)。Stop,Phil。Yourfatherisnothingtoyou,nortome(vehemently)。Thatisenough。(Thetwinsaresilenced,butnotsatisfied。Theirfacesfall。ButGloria,whohasbeenfollowingthealtercationattentively,suddenlyintervenes。)
GLORIA(advancing)。Mother:wehavearighttoknow。
MRS。CLANDON(risingandfacingher)。Gloria!\"We!\"Whois\"we\"?
GLORIA(steadfastly)。Wethree。(Hertoneisunmistakable:sheispittingherstrengthagainsthermotherforthefirsttime。Thetwinsinstantlygoovertotheenemy。)
MRS。CLANDON(wounded)。Inyourmouth\"we\"usedtomeanyouandI,Gloria。
PHILIP(risingdecisivelyandputtingawaythestool)。We\'rehurtingyou:let\'sdropit。Wedidn\'tthinkyou\'dmind。Idon\'twanttoknow。
DOLLY(comingoffthetable)。I\'msureIdon\'t。Oh,don\'tlooklikethat,mamma。(ShelooksangrilyatGloria。)
MRS。CLANDON(touchinghereyeshastilywithherhandkerchiefandsittingdownagain)。Thankyou,mydear。Thanks,Phil。
GLORIA(inexorably)。Wehavearighttoknow,mother。
MRS。CLANDON(indignantly)。Ah!Youinsist。
GLORIA。Doyouintendthatweshallneverknow?
DOLLY。Oh,Gloria,don\'t。It\'sbarbarous。
GLORIA(withquietscorn)。Whatistheuseofbeingweak?Youseewhathashappenedwiththisgentlemanhere,mother。Thesamethinghashappenedtome。
MRS。CLANDON}(all{Whatdoyoumean?
DOLLY}together)。{Oh,tellus。
PHILIP}{Whathappenedtoyou?
GLORIA。Oh,nothingofanyconsequence。(Sheturnsawayfromthemandgoesuptotheeasychairatthefireplace,whereshesitsdown,almostwithherbacktothem。Astheywaitexpectantly,sheadds,overhershoulder,withstudiedindifference。)Onboardthesteamerthefirstofficerdidmethehonortoproposetome。
DOLLY。No,itwastome。
MRS。CLANDON。Thefirstofficer!Areyouserious,Gloria?Whatdidyousaytohim?(correctingherself)Excuseme:Ihavenorighttoaskthat。
GLORIA。Theanswerisprettyobvious。Awomanwhodoesnotknowwhoherfatherwascannotacceptsuchanoffer。
MRS。CLANDON。Surelyyoudidnotwanttoacceptit?
GLORIA(turningalittleandraisinghervoice)。No;butsupposeI
hadwantedto!
PHILIP。Didthatdifficultystrikeyou,Dolly?
DOLLY。No,Iacceptedhim。
GLORIA}(allcrying{Acceptedhim!
MRS。CLANDON}out{Dolly!
PHILIP}together){Oh,Isay!
DOLLY(naively)。Hedidlooksuchafool!
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhydidyoudosuchathing,Dolly?
DOLLY。Forfun,Isuppose。Hehadtomeasuremyfingerforaring。
You\'dhavedonethesamethingyourself。
MRS。CLANDON。No,Dolly,Iwouldnot。Asamatteroffactthefirstofficerdidproposetome;andItoldhimtokeepthatsortofthingforwomenwereyoungenoughtobeamusedbyit。Heappearstohaveactedonmyadvice。(Sherisesandgoestothehearth。)Gloria:Iamsorryyouthinkmeweak;butIcannottellyouwhatyouwant。Youarealltooyoung。
PHILIP。ThisisratherastartlingdeparturefromTwentiethCenturyprinciples。
DOLLY(quoting)。\"Answerallyourchildren\'squestions,andanswerthemtruthfully,assoonastheyareoldenoughtoaskthem。\"SeeTwentiethCenturyMotherhood——
PHILIP。Pageone——
DOLLY。Chapterone——
PHILIP。Sentenceone。
MRS。CLANDON。Mydears:Ididnotsaythatyouweretooyoungtoknow。Isaidyouweretooyoungtobetakenintomyconfidence。Youareverybrightchildren,allofyou;butIamgladforyoursakesthatyouarestillveryinexperiencedandconsequentlyveryunsympathetic。
TherearesomeexperiencesofminethatIcannotbeartospeakofexcepttothosewhohavegonethroughwhatIhavegonethrough。Ihopeyouwillneverbequalifiedforsuchconfidences。ButIwilltakecarethatyoushalllearnallyouwanttoknow。Willthatsatisfyyou?
PHILIP。Anothergrievance,Dolly。
DOLLY。We\'renotsympathetic。
GLORIA(leaningforwardinherchairandlookingearnestlyupathermother)。Mother:Ididnotmeantobeunsympathetic。
MRS。CLANDON(affectionately)。Ofcoursenot,dear。DoyouthinkI
don\'tunderstand?
GLORIA(rising)。But,mother——
MRS。CLANDON(drawingbackalittle)。Yes?
GLORIA(obstinately)。Itisnonsensetotellusthatourfatherisnothingtous。
MRS。CLANDON(provokedtosuddenresolution)。Doyourememberyourfather?
GLORIA(meditatively,asiftherecollectionwereatenderone)。I
amnotquitesure。Ithinkso。
MRS。CLANDON(grimly)。Youarenotsure?
GLORIA。No。
MRS。CLANDON(withquietforce)。Gloria:ifIhadeverstruckyou——
(Gloriarecoils:PhilipandDollyaredisagreeablyshocked;allthreestartather,revoltedasshecontinues)——struckyoupurposely,deliberately,withtheintentionofhurtingyou,withawhipboughtforthepurpose!Wouldyourememberthat,doyouthink?(Gloriauttersanexclamationofindignantrepulsion。)Thatwouldhavebeenyourlastrecollectionofyourfather,Gloria,ifIhadnottakenyouawayfromhim。Ihavekepthimoutofyourlife:keephimnowoutofminebynevermentioninghimtomeagain。(Gloria,withashudder,coversherfacewithherhands,until,hearingsomeoneatthedoor,sheturnsawayandpretendstooccupyherselflookingatthenamesofthebooksinthebookcase。Mrs。Clandonsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinereturns。)。
VALENTINE。IhopeI\'venotkeptyouwaiting。Thatlandlordofmineisreallyanextraordinaryoldcharacter。
DOLLY(eagerly)。Oh,tellus。Howlonghashegivenyoutopay?
MRS。CLANDON(distractedbyherchild\'sbadmanners)。Dolly,Dolly,Dollydear!Youmustnotaskquestions。
DOLLY(demurely)。Sosorry。You\'lltellus,won\'tyou,Mr。
Valentine?
VALENTINE。Hedoesn\'twanthisrentatall。He\'sbrokenhistoothonaBrazilnut;andhewantsmetolookatitandtolunchwithhimafterwards。
DOLLY。Thenhavehimupandpullhistoothoutatonce;andwe\'llbringhimtolunch,too。Tellthemaidtofetchhimalong。(Sherunstothebellandringsitvigorously。Then,withasuddendoubtsheturnstoValentineandadds)Isupposehe\'srespectable——reallyrespectable。
VALENTINE。Perfectly。Notlikeme。
DOLLY。HonestInjun?(Mrs。Clandongaspsfaintly;butherpowersofremonstranceareexhausted。)
VALENTINE。HonestInjun!
DOLLY。Thenoffwithyouandbringhimup。
VALENTINE(lookingdubiouslyatMrs。Clandon)。Idaresayhe\'dbedelightedif——er——?
MRS。CLANDON(risingandlookingatherwatch)。Ishallbehappytoseeyourfriendatlunch,ifyoucanpersuadehimtocome;butIcan\'twaittoseehimnow:IhaveanappointmentatthehotelataquartertoonewithanoldfriendwhomIhavenotseensinceIleftEnglandeighteenyearsago。Willyouexcuseme?