VALENTINE。Certainly,Mrs。Clandon。
GLORIA。ShallIcome?
MRS。CLANDON。No,dear。Iwanttobealone。(Shegoesout,evidentlystillagooddealtroubled。Valentineopensthedoorforherandfollowsherout。)
PHILIP(significantly——toDolly)。Hmhm!
DOLLY(significantlytoPhilip)。Ahah!(Theparlormaidanswersthebell。)
DOLLY。Showtheoldgentlemanup。
THEPARLORMAID(puzzled)。Madam?
DOLLY。Theoldgentlemanwiththetoothache。
PHILIP。Thelandlord。
THEPARLORMAID。Mr。Crampton,Sir?
PHILIP。IshisnameCrampton?
DOLLY(toPhilip)。Soundsrheumaticky,doesn\'tit?
PHILIP。Chalkstones,probably。
DOLLY(overhershoulder,totheparlormaid)。ShowMr。Crampstonesup。(GoesR。towriting-tablechair)。
THEPARLORMAID(correctingher)。Mr。Crampton,miss。(Shegoes。)
DOLLY(repeatingittoherselflikealesson)。Crampton,Crampton,Crampton,Crampton,Crampton。(Shesitsdownstudiouslyatthewriting-
table。)Imustgetthatnameright,orHeavenknowswhatIshallcallhim。
GLORIA。Phil:canyoubelievesuchahorriblethingasthataboutourfather——whatmothersaidjustnow?
PHILIP。Oh,therearelotsofpeopleofthatkind。OldChaliceusedtothrashhiswifeanddaughterswithacartwhip。
DOLLY(contemptuously)。Yes,aPortuguese!
PHILIP。Whenyoucometomenwhoarebrutes,thereismuchincommonbetweenthePortugueseandtheEnglishvariety,Doll。Trustmyknowledgeofhumannature。(Heresumeshispositiononthehearthrugwithanelderlyandresponsibleair。)
GLORIA(withangeredremorse)。Idon\'tthinkweshalleverplayagainatouroldgameofguessingwhatourfatherwastobelike。
Dolly:areyousorryforyourfather——thefatherwithlotsofmoney?
DOLLY。Oh,come!Whataboutyourfather——thelonelyoldmanwiththetenderachingheart?He\'sprettywellburstup,Ithink。
PHILIP。Therecanbenodoubtthatthegovernorisanexplodedsuperstition。(Valentineisheardtalkingtosomebodyoutsidethedoor。)Buthark:hecomes。
GLORIA(nervously)。Who?
DOLLY。Chalkstones。
PHILIP。Sh!Attention。(Theyputontheirbestmanners。PhilipaddsinalowervoicetoGloria)Ifhe\'sgoodenoughforthelunch,I\'llnodtoDolly;andifshenodstoyou,invitehimstraightaway。
(Valentinecomesbackwithhislandlord。Mr。FergusCramptonisamanofaboutsixty,tall,hardandstringy,withanatrociouslyobstinate,illtempered,graspingmouth,andaquerulouslydogmaticvoice。Withalheishighlynervousandsensitive,judgingbyhisthintransparentskinmarkedwithmultitudinouslines,andhisslenderfingers。Hisconsequentcapacityforsufferingacutelyfromallthedislikethathistemperandobstinacycanbringuponhimisprovedbyhiswistful,woundedeyes,byaplaintivenoteinhisvoice,apainfulwantofconfidenceinhiswelcome,andaconstantbutindifferentlysuccessfulefforttocorrecthisnaturalincivilityofmannerandpronenesstotakeoffence。Byhiskeenbrowsandforeheadheisclearlyashrewdman;andthereisnosignofstraitenedmeansorcommercialdiffidenceabouthim:heiswelldressed,andwouldbeclassedataguessasaprosperousmastermanufacturerinabusinessinheritedfromanoldfamilyinthearistocracyoftrade。Hisnavybluecoatisnotoftheusualfashionablepattern。Itisnotexactlyapilot\'scoat;butitiscutthatway,doublebreasted,andwithstoutbuttonsandbroadlappels,acoatforashipyardratherthanacountinghouse。HehastakenafancytoValentine,whocaresnothingforhiscrossnessofgrainandtreatshimwithasortofdisrespectfulhumanity,forwhichheissecretlygrateful。)
VALENTINE。MayIintroduce——thisisMr。Crampton——MissDorothyClandon,Mr。PhilipClandon,MissClandon。(Cramptonstandsnervouslybowing。Theyallbow。)Sitdown,Mr。Crampton。
DOLLY(pointingtotheoperatingchair)。Thatisthemostcomfortablechair,Mr。Ch——crampton。
CRAMPTON。Thankyou;butwon\'tthisyounglady——(indicatingGloria,whoisclosetothechair)?
GLORIA。Thankyou,Mr。Crampton:wearejustgoing。
VALENTINE(bustlinghimacrosstothechairwithgood-humoredperemptoriness)。Sitdown,sitdown。You\'retired。
CRAMPTON。Well,perhapsasIamconsiderablytheoldestpersonpresent,I——(Hefinishesthesentencebysittingdownalittlerheumaticallyintheoperatingchair。Meanwhile,Philip,havingstudiedhimcriticallyduringhispassageacrosstheroom,nodstoDolly;andDollynodstoGloria。)
GLORIA。Mr。Crampton:weunderstandthatwearepreventingMr。
Valentinefromlunchingwithyoubytakinghimawayourselves。Mymotherwouldbeveryglad,indeed,ifyouwouldcometoo。
CRAMPTON(gratefully,afterlookingatherearnestlyforamoment)。
Thankyou。Iwillcomewithpleasure。
GLORIA}(politely{Thankyouverymuch——er——
DOLLY}murmuring)。{Soglad——er——
PHILIP}{Delighted,I\'msure——er——
(Theconversationdrops。GloriaandDollylookatoneanother;thenatValentineandPhilip。ValentineandPhilip,unequaltotheoccasion,lookawayfromthematoneanother,andareinstantlysodisconcertedbycatchingoneanother\'seye,thattheylookbackagainandcatchtheeyesofGloriaandDolly。Thus,catchingoneanotherallround,theyalllookatnothingandarequiteataloss。Cramptonlooksabouthim,waitingforthemtobegin。Thesilencebecomesunbearable。)
DOLLY(suddenly,tokeepthingsgoing)。Howoldareyou,Mr。
Crampton?
GLORIA(hastily)。Iamafraidwemustbegoing,Mr。Valentine。Itisunderstood,then,thatwemeetathalfpastone。(Shemakesforthedoor。Philipgoeswithher。Valentineretreatstothebell。)
VALENTINE。Halfpastone。(Heringsthebell。)Manythanks。(HefollowsGloriaandPhiliptothedoor,andgoesoutwiththem。)
DOLLY(whohasmeanwhilestolenacrosstoCrampton)。Makehimgiveyougas。It\'sfiveshillingsextra:butit\'sworthit。
CRAMPTON(amused)。Verywell。(Lookingmoreearnestlyather。)Soyouwanttoknowmyage,doyou?I\'mfifty-seven。
DOLLY(withconviction)。Youlookit。
CRAMPTON(grimly)。IdaresayIdo。
DOLLY。Whatareyoulookingatmesohardfor?Anythingwrong?
(Shefeelswhetherherhatisright。)
CRAMPTON。You\'relikesomebody。
DOLLY。Who?
CRAMPTON。Well,youhaveacuriouslookofmymother。
DOLLY(incredulously)。Yourmother!!!Quitesureyoudon\'tmeanyourdaughter?
CRAMPTON(suddenlyblackeningwithhate)。Yes:I\'mquitesureI
don\'tmeanmydaughter。
DOLLY(sympathetically)。Toothbad?
CRAMPTON。No,no:nothing。Atwingeofmemory,MissClandon,notoftoothache。
DOLLY。Haveitout。\"Pluckfromthememoryarootedsorrow:\"withgas,fiveshillingsextra。
CRAMPTON(vindicatively)。No,notasorrow。Aninjurythatwasdonemeonce:that\'sall。Idon\'tforgetinjuries;andIdon\'twanttoforgetthem。(Hisfeaturessettleintoanimplacablefrown。)
(re-enterPhilip:tolookforDolly。Hecomesdownbehindherunobserved。)
DOLLY(lookingcriticallyatCrampton\'sexpression)。Idon\'tthinkweshalllikeyouwhenyouarebroodingoveryoursorrows。
PHILIP(whohasenteredtheroomunobserved,andstolenbehindher)。
Mysistermeanswell,Mr。Crampton:butsheisindiscreet。NowDolly,outside!(Hetakeshertowardsthedoor。)
DOLLY(inaperfectlyaudibleundertone)。Hesayshe\'sonlyfifty-
seven;andhethinksmetheimageofhismother;andhehateshisdaughter;and——(SheisinterruptedbythereturnofValentine。)
VALENTINE。MissClandonhasgoneon。
PHILIP。Don\'tforgethalfpastone。
DOLLY。MindyouleaveMr。Cramptonwithenoughteethtoeatwith。
(Theygoout。Valentinecomesdowntohiscabinet,andopensit。)
CRAMPTON。That\'saspoiledchild,Mr。Valentine。That\'soneofyourmodernproducts。WhenIwasherage,Ihadmanyagoodhidingfreshinmymemorytoteachmemanners。
VALENTINE(takinguphisdentalmirrorandprobefromtheshelfinfrontofthecabinet)。Whatdidyouthinkofhersister?
CRAMPTON。Youlikedherbetter,eh?
VALENTINE(rhapsodically)。Shestruckmeasbeing——(Hecheckshimself,andadds,prosaically)However,that\'snotbusiness。(HeplaceshimselfbehindCrampton\'srightshoulderandassumeshisprofessionaltone。)Open,please。(Cramptonopenshismouth。
Valentineputsthemirrorin,andexamineshisteeth。)Hm!Youhavebrokenthatone。Whatapitytospoilsuchasplendidsetofteeth!
Whydoyoucracknutswiththem?(Hewithdrawsthemirror,andcomesforwardtoconversewithCrampton。)
CRAMPTON。I\'vealwayscrackednutswiththem:whatelsearetheyfor?(Dogmatically。)Theproperwaytokeepteethgoodistogivethemplentyofuseonbonesandnuts,andwashthemeverydaywithsoap——
plainyellowsoap。
VALENTINE。Soap!Whysoap?
CRAMPTON。IbeganusingitasaboybecauseIwasmadeto;andI\'veusediteversince。AndIneverhadtoothacheinmylife。
VALENTINE。Don\'tyoufinditrathernasty?
CRAMPTON。Ifoundthatmostthingsthatweregoodformewerenasty。
ButIwastaughttoputupwiththem,andmadetoputupwiththem。I\'musedtoitnow:infact,Ilikethetastewhenthesoapisreallygood。
VALENTINE(makingawryfaceinspiteofhimself)。Youseemtohavebeenverycarefullyeducated,Mr。Crampton。
CRAMPTON(grimly)。Iwasn\'tspoiled,atallevents。
VALENTINE(smilingalittletohimself)。Areyouquitesure?
CRAMPTON。Whatd\'y\'mean?
VALENTINE。Well,yourteetharegood,Iadmit。ButI\'veseenjustasgoodinveryself-indulgentmouths。(Hegoestotheledgeofcabinetandchangestheprobeforanotherone。)
CRAMPTON。It\'snottheeffectontheteeth:it\'stheeffectonthecharacter。
VALENTINE(placably)。Oh,thecharacter,Isee。(Herecommencesoperations。)Alittlewider,please。Hm!Thatonewillhavetocomeout:it\'spastsaving。(Hewithdrawstheprobeandagaincomestothesideofthechairtoconverse。)Don\'tbealarmed:youshan\'tfeelanything。I\'llgiveyougas。
CRAMPTON。Rubbish,man:Iwantnoneofyourgas。Outwithit。
Peopleweretaughttobearnecessarypaininmyday。
VALENTINE。Oh,ifyoulikebeinghurt,allright。I\'llhurtyouasmuchasyoulike,withoutanyextrachargeforthebeneficialeffectonyourcharacter。
CRAMPTON(risingandglaringathim)。Youngman:youowemesixweeks\'rent。
VALENTINE。Ido。
CRAMPTON。Canyoupayme?
VALENTINE。No。
CRAMPTON(satisfiedwithhisadvantage)。Ithoughtnot。Howsoond\'y\'thinkyou\'llbeabletopaymeifyouhavenobettermannersthantomakegameofyourpatients?(Hesitsdownagain。)
VALENTINE。Mygoodsir:mypatientshaven\'tallformedtheircharactersonkitchensoap。
CRAMPTON(suddenlygrippinghimbythearmasheturnsawayagaintothecabinet)。Somuchtheworseforthem。Itellyouyoudon\'tunderstandmycharacter。IfIcouldspareallmyteeth,I\'dmakeyoupullthemalloutoneafteranothertoshewyouwhataproperlyhardenedmancangothroughwithwhenhe\'smadeuphismindtodoit。(Henodsathimtoenforcetheeffectofthisdeclaration,andreleaseshim。)
VALENTINE(hiscarelesspleasantryquiteunruffled)。Andyouwanttobemorehardened,doyou?
CRAMPTON。Yes。
VALENTINE(strollingawaytothebell)。Well,you\'requitehardenoughformealready——asalandlord。(Cramptonreceivesthiswithagrowlofgrimhumor。Valentineringsthebell,andremarksinacheerful,casualway,whilstwaitingforittobeanswered。)Whydidyounevergetmarried,Mr。Crampton?Awifeandchildrenwouldhavetakensomeofthehardnessoutofyou。
CRAMPTON(withunexpectedferocity)。Whatthedevilisthattoyou?
(Theparlormaidappearsatthedoor。)
VALENTINE(politely)。Somewarmwater,please。(Sheretires:andValentinecomesbacktothecabinet,notatallputoutbyCrampton\'srudeness,andcarriesontheconversationwhilstheselectsaforcepsandplacesitreadytohishandwithagagandadrinkingglass。)Youwereaskingmewhatthedevilthatwastome。Well,Ihaveanideaofgettingmarriedmyself。
CRAMPTON(withgrumblingirony)。Naturally,sir,naturally。Whenayoungmanhascometohislastfarthing,andiswithintwenty-fourhoursofhavinghisfurnituredistraineduponbyhislandlord,hemarries。
I\'venoticedthatbefore。Well,marry;andbemiserable。
VALENTINE。Oh,come,whatdoyouknowaboutit?
CRAMPTON。I\'mnotabachelor。
VALENTINE。ThenthereisaMrs。Crampton?
CRAMPTON(wincingwithapangofresentment)。Yes——damnher!
VALENTINE(unperturbed)。Hm!Afather,too,perhaps,aswellasahusband,Mr。Crampton?
CRAMPTON。Threechildren。
VALENTINE(politely)。Damnthem?——eh?
CRAMPTON(jealously)。No,sir:thechildrenareasmuchmineashers。(Theparlormaidbringsinajugofhotwater。)
VALENTINE。Thankyou。(Hetakesthejugfromher,andbringsittothecabinet,continuinginthesameidlestrain)Ireallyshouldliketoknowyourfamily,Mr。Crampton。(Theparlormaidgoesout:andhepourssomehotwaterintothedrinkingglass。)
CRAMPTON。SorryIcan\'tintroduceyou,sir。I\'mhappytosaythatI
don\'tknowwheretheyare,anddon\'tcare,solongastheykeepoutofmyway。(Valentine,withahitchofhiseyebrowsandshoulders,dropstheforcepswithaclinkintotheglassofhotwater。)Youneedn\'twarmthatthingtouseonme。I\'mnotafraidofthecoldsteel。(Valentinestoopstoarrangethegaspumpandcylinderbesidethechair。)What\'sthatheavything?
VALENTINE。Oh,nevermind。Somethingtoputmyfooton,togetthenecessarypurchaseforagoodpull。(Cramptonlooksalarmedinspiteofhimself。Valentinestandsuprightandplacestheglasswiththeforcepsinitreadytohishand,chattingonwithprovokingindifference。)Andsoyouadvisemenottogetmarried,Mr。Crampton?(Hestoopstofitthehandleontheapparatusbywhichthechairisraisedandlowered。)
CRAMPTON(irritably)。Iadviseyoutogetmytoothoutandhavedoneremindingmeofmywife。Comealong,man。(Hegripsthearmsofthechairandbraceshimself。)
VALENTINE(pausing,withhishandonthelever,tolookupathimandsay)。WhatdoyoubetthatIdon\'tgetthattoothoutwithoutyourfeelingit?
CRAMPTON。Yoursixweek\'srent,youngman。Don\'tyougammonme。
VALENTINE(jumpingatthebetandwindinghimaloftvigorously)。
Done!Areyouready?(Crampton,whohaslosthisgripofthechairinhisalarmatitssuddenascent,foldshisarms:sitsstifflyupright:
andpreparesfortheworst。Valentineletsdownthebackofthechairtoanobtuseangle。)
CRAMPTON(clutchingatthearmsofthechairashefallsback)。Takecareman。I\'mquitehelplessinthispo——
VALENTINE(deftlystoppinghimwiththegag,andsnatchingupthemouthpieceofthegasmachine)。You\'llbemorehelplesspresently。(HepressesthemouthpieceoverCrampton\'smouthandnose,leaningoverhischestsoastoholdhisheadandshoulderswelldownonthechair。
CramptonmakesaninarticulatesoundinthemouthpieceandtriestolayhandsonValentine,whomhesupposestobeinfrontofhim。Afteramomenthisarmswaveaimlessly,thensubsideanddrop。Heisquiteinsensible。Valentine,withanexclamationofsomewhatpreoccupiedtriumph,throwsasidethemouthpiecequickly:picksuptheforcepsadroitlyfromtheglass:and——thecurtainfalls。)
ENDOFACTI。
ActII
OntheterraceattheMarineHotel。Itisasquareflaggedplatform,withaparapetofheavyoiljarpilasterssupportingabroadstonecopingontheouteredge,whichstandsupoverthesealikeacliff。
Theheadwaiteroftheestablishment,busylayingnapkinsonaluncheontablewithhisbacktothesea,hasthehotelonhisright,andonhisleft,inthecornernearestthesea,theflightofstepsleadingdowntothebeach。
Whenhelooksdowntheterraceinfrontofhimheseesalittletohisleftasolitaryguest,amiddle-agedgentlemansittingonachairofironlathsatalittleirontablewithabowloflumpsugarandthreewaspsonit,readingtheStandard,withhisumbrellauptodefendhimfromthesun,which,inAugustandatlessthananhourafternoon,istoastinghisprotendedinsteps。Justoppositehim,atthehotelsideoftheterrace,thereisagardenseatoftheordinaryesplanadepattern。
Accesstothehotelforvisitorsisbyanentranceinthemiddleofitsfacade,reachedbyacoupleofstepsonabroadsquareofraisedpavement。Nearertheparapettherelurksawaytothekitchen,maskedbyalittletrellisporch。Thetableatwhichthewaiterisoccupiedisalongone,setacrosstheterracewithcoversandchairsforfive,twoateachsideandoneattheendnextthehotel。Againsttheparapetanothertableispreparedasabuffettoservefrom。
Thewaiterisaremarkablepersoninhisway。Asilkyoldman,white-hairedanddelicatelooking,butsocheerfulandcontentedthatinhisencouragingpresenceambitionstandsrebukedasvulgarity,andimaginationastreasontotheaboundingsufficiencyandinterestoftheactual。Hehasacertainexpressionpeculiartomenwhohavebeenextraordinarilysuccessfulintheircalling,andwho,whilstawareofthevanityofsuccess,areuntouchedbyenvy。
Thegentlemanattheirontableisnotdressedfortheseaside。HewearshisLondonfrockcoatandgloves;andhistallsilkhatisonthetablebesidethesugarbowl。Theexcellentconditionandqualityofthesegarments,thegold-rimmedfoldingspectaclesthroughwhichheisreadingtheStandard,andtheTimesathiselbowoverlayingthelocalpaper,alltestifytohisrespectability。Heisaboutfifty,cleanshaven,andclose-cropped,withthecornersofhismouthturneddownpurposely,asifhesuspectedthemofwantingtoturnup,andwasdeterminednottoletthemhavetheirway。Hehaslargeexpansiveears,codcoloredeyes,andabrowkeptresolutelywideopen,asif,again,hehadresolvedinhisyouthtobetruthful,magnanimous,andincorruptible,buthadneversucceededinmakingthathabitofmindautomaticandunconscious。Still,heisbynomeanstobelaughedat。
Thereisnosignofstupidityorinfirmityofwillabouthim:onthecontrary,hewouldpassanywhereatsightasamanofmorethanaverageprofessionalcapacityandresponsibility。Justatpresentheisenjoyingtheweatherandtheseatoomuchtobeoutofpatience;buthehasexhaustedallthenewsinhispapersandisatpresentreducedtotheadvertisements,whicharenotsufficientlysucculenttoinducehimtoperseverewiththem。
THEGENTLEMAN(yawningandgivingupthepaperasabadjob)。
Waiter!
WAITER。Sir?(comingdownC。)
THEGENTLEMAN。AreyouquitesureMrs。Clandoniscomingbackbeforelunch?
WAITER。Quitesure,sir。Sheexpectsyouataquartertoone,sir。
(Thegentleman,soothedatoncebythewaiter\'svoice,looksathimwithalazysmile。Itisaquietvoice,withagentlemelodyinitthatgivessympatheticinteresttohismostcommonplaceremark;andhespeakswiththesweetestpropriety,neitherdroppinghisaitchesnormisplacingthem,norcommittinganyothervulgarism。Helooksathiswatchashecontinues)Notthatyet,sir,isit?12:43,sir。Onlytwominutesmoretowait,sir。Nicemorning,sir?
THEGENTLEMAN。Yes:veryfreshafterLondon。
WAITER。Yes,sir:soallourvisitorssay,sir。Verynicefamily,Mrs。Clandon\'s,sir。
THEGENTLEMAN。Youlikethem,doyou?
WAITER。Yes,sir。Theyhaveafreewaywiththemthatisverytaking,sir,verytakingindeed,sir:especiallytheyoungladyandgentleman。
THEGENTLEMAN。MissDorotheaandMr。Philip,Isuppose。
WAITER。Yes,sir。Theyounglady,ingivinganorder,orthelikeofthat,willsay,\"Remember,William,wecametothishotelonyouraccount,havingheardwhataperfectwaiteryouare。\"TheyounggentlemanwilltellmethatIremindhimstronglyofhisfather(thegentlemanstartsatthis)andthatheexpectsmetoactbyhimassuch。
(Soothing,sunnycadence。)Oh,verypeasant,sir,veryaffableandpleasantindeed!
THEGENTLEMAN。Youlikehisfather!(Helaughsatthenotion。)
WAITER。Oh,wemustnottakewhattheysaytooseriously,sir。Ofcourse,sir,ifitweretrue,theyoungladywouldhaveseentheresemblance,too,sir。
THEGENTLEMAN。Didshe?
WAITER。No,sir。ShethoughtmelikethebustofShakespearinStratfordChurch,sir。ThatiswhyshecallsmeWilliam,sir。MyrealnameisWalter,sir。(Heturnstogobacktothetable,andseesMrs。
Clandoncominguptotheterracefromthebeachbythesteps。)HereisMrs。Clandon,sir。(ToMrs。Clandon,inanunobtrusivelyconfidentialtone)Gentlemanforyou,ma\'am。
MRS。CLANDON。Weshallhavetwomoregentlemenatlunch,William。
WAITER。Right,ma\'am。Thankyou,ma\'am。(Hewithdrawsintothehotel。Mrs。Clandoncomesforwardlookingroundforhervisitor,butpassesoverthegentlemanwithoutanysignofrecognition。)
THEGENTLEMAN(peeringatherquaintlyfromundertheumbrella)。
Don\'tyouknowme?
MRS。CLANDON(incredulously,lookinghardathim)AreyouFinchMcComas?
McCOMAS。Can\'tyouguess?(Heshutstheumbrella;putsitaside;
andjocularlyplantshimselfwithhishandsonhishipstobeinspected。)
MRS。CLANDON。Ibelieveyouare。(Shegiveshimherhand。Theshakethatensuesisthatofoldfriendsafteralongseparation。)
Where\'syourbeard?
McCOMAS(withhumoroussolemnity)。Wouldyouemployasolicitorwithabeard?
MRS。CLANDON(pointingtothesilkhatonthetable)。Isthatyourhat?
McCOMAS。Wouldyouemployasolicitorwithasombrero?
MRS。CLANDON。Ihavethoughtofyoualltheseeighteenyearswiththebeardandthesombrero。(Shesitsdownonthegardenseat。McComastakeshischairagain。)DoyougotothemeetingsoftheDialecticalSocietystill?
McCOMAS(gravely)。Idonotfrequentmeetingsnow。
MRS。CLANDON。Finch:Iseewhathashappened。Youhavebecomerespectable。
McCOMAS。Haven\'tyou?
MRS。CLANDON。Notabit。
McCOMAS。Youholdtoyouroldopinionsstill?
MRS。CLANDON。Asfirmlyasever。
McCOMAS。Blessme!Andyouarestillreadytomakespeechesinpublic,inspiteofyoursex(Mrs。Clandonnods);toinsistonamarriedwoman\'srighttoherownseparateproperty(shenodsagain);tochampionDarwin\'sviewoftheoriginofspeciesandJohnStuartMill\'sessayonLiberty(nod);toreadHuxley,TyndallandGeorgeEliot(threenods);
andtodemandUniversitydegrees,theopeningoftheprofessions,andtheparliamentaryfranchiseforwomenaswellasmen?
MRS。CLANDON(resolutely)。Yes:Ihavenotgonebackoneinch;andI
haveeducatedGloriatotakeupmyworkwhereIleftit。ThatiswhathasbroughtmebacktoEngland:IfeltthatIhadnorighttoburyheraliveinMadeira——mySt。Helena,Finch。IsupposeshewillbehowledatasIwas;butsheispreparedforthat。
McCOMAS。Howledat!Mydeargoodlady:thereisnothinginanyofthoseviewsnow-a-daystopreventherfrommarryingabishop。Youreproachedmejustnowforhavingbecomerespectable。Youwerewrong:I
holdtoouroldopinionsasstronglyasever。Idon\'tgotochurch;andIdon\'tpretendIdo。IcallmyselfwhatIam:aPhilosophicRadical,standingforlibertyandtherightsoftheindividual,asIlearnttodofrommymasterHerbertSpencer。AmIhowledat?No:I\'mindulgedasanoldfogey。I\'moutofeverything,becauseI\'verefusedtobowthekneetoSocialism。
MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Socialism。
McCOMAS。Yes,Socialism。That\'swhatMissGloriawillbeuptoherearsinbeforetheendofthemonthifyouletherloosehere。
MRS。CLANDON(emphatically)。ButIcanprovetoherthatSocialismisafallacy。
McCOMAS(touchingly)。Itisbyprovingthat,Mrs。Clandon,thatI
havelostallmyyoungdisciples。Becarefulwhatyoudo:lethergoherownway。(Withsomebitterness。)We\'reold-fashioned:theworldthinksithasleftusbehind。ThereisonlyoneplaceinallEnglandwhereyouropinionswouldstillpassasadvanced。
MRS。CLANDON(scornfullyunconvinced)。TheChurch,perhaps?
McCOMAS。No,thetheatre。Andnowtobusiness!Whyhaveyoumademecomedownhere?
MRS。CLANDON。Well,partlybecauseIwantedtoseeyou——
McCOMAS(withgood-humoredirony)。Thanks。
MRS。CLANDON——andpartlybecauseIwantyoutoexplaineverythingtothechildren。Theyknownothing;andnowthatwehavecomebacktoEngland,itisimpossibletoleavetheminignoranceanylonger。
(Agitated。)Finch:Icannotbringmyselftotellthem。I——(SheisinterruptedbythetwinsandGloria。Dollycomestearingupthesteps,racingPhilip,whocombinesaterrificspeedwithunhurriedproprietyofbearingwhich,however,costshimtherace,asDollyreacheshermotherfirstandalmostupsetsthegardenseatbytheprecipitancyofherarrival。)
DOLLY(breathless)。It\'sallright,mamma。Thedentistiscoming;
andhe\'sbringinghisoldman。
MRS。CLANDON。Dolly,dear:don\'tyouseeMr。McComas?(Mr。McComasrises,smilingly。)
DOLLY(herfacefallingwiththemostdisparaginglyobviousdisappointment)。This!Wherearetheflowinglocks?
PHILIP(secondingherwarmly)。Wherethebeard?——thecloak?——thepoeticexterior?
DOLLY。Oh,Mr。McComas,you\'vegoneandspoiledyourself。Whydidn\'tyouwaittillwe\'dseenyou?
McCOMAS(takenaback,butrallyinghishumortomeettheemergency)。
Becauseeighteenyearsistoolongforasolicitortogowithouthavinghishaircut。
GLORIA(attheothersideofMcComas)。Howdoyoudo,Mr。McComas?
(Heturns;andshetakeshishandandpressesit,withafrankstraightlookintohiseyes。)Wearegladtomeetyouatlast。
McCOMAS。MissGloria,Ipresume?(Gloriasmilesassent,andreleaseshishandafterafinalpressure。Shethenretiresbehindthegardenseat,leaningoverthebackbesideMrs。Clandon。)Andthisyounggentleman?
PHILIP。Iwaschristenedinacomparativelyprosaicmood。Mynameis——
DOLLY(completinghissentenceforhimdeclamatorily)。\"Norval。OntheGrampianhills\"——
PHILIP(declaiminggravely)。\"Myfatherfeedshisflock,afrugalswain\"——
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Dear,dearchildren:don\'tbesilly。
Everythingissonewtothemhere,Finch,thattheyareinthewildestspirits。TheythinkeveryEnglishmantheymeetisajoke。
DOLLY。Well,soheis:it\'snotourfault。
PHILIP。Myknowledgeofhumannatureisfairlyextensive,Mr。
McComas;butIfinditimpossibletotaketheinhabitantsofthisislandseriously。
McCOMAS。Ipresume,sir,youareMasterPhilip(offeringhishand)?
PHILIP(takingMcComas\'shandandlookingsolemnlyathim)。IwasMasterPhilip——wassoformanyyears;justasyouwereonceMasterFinch。(Hegiveshishandasingleshakeanddropsit;thenturnsaway,exclaimingmeditatively)Howstrangeitistolookbackonourboyhood!
(McComasstaresafterhim,notatallpleased。)
DOLLY(toMrs。Clandon)。HasFinchhadadrink?
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Dearest:Mr。McComaswilllunchwithus。
DOLLY。Haveyouorderedforseven?Don\'tforgettheoldgentleman。
MRS。CLANDON。Ihavenotforgottenhim,dear。Whatishisname?
DOLLY。Chalkstones。He\'llbehereathalfpastone。(ToMcComas。)
Arewelikewhatyouexpected?
MRS。CLANDON(changinghertonetoamoreearnestone)。Dolly:Mr。
McComashassomethingmoreseriousthanthattotellyou。Children:I
haveaskedmyoldfriendtoanswerthequestionyouaskedthismorning。
Heisyourfather\'sfriendaswellasmine:andhewilltellyouthestorymorefairlythanIcould。(TurningherheadfromthemtoGloria。)
Gloria:areyousatisfied?
GLORIA(gravelyattentive)。Mr。McComasisverykind。
McCOMAS(nervously)。Notatall,mydearyounglady:notatall。Atthesametime,thisisrathersudden。Iwashardlyprepared——er——
DOLLY(suspiciously)。Oh,wedon\'twantanythingprepared。
PHILIP(exhortinghim)。Tellusthetruth。
DOLLY(emphatically)。Baldheaded。
McCOMAS(nettled)。IhopeyouintendtotakewhatIhavetosayseriously。
PHILIP(withprofoundmockgravity)。Ihopeitwilldeserveit,Mr。
McComas。Myknowledgeofhumannatureteachesmenottoexpecttoomuch。
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil——
PHILIP。Yes,mother,allright。Ibegyourpardon,Mr。McComas:
don\'tmindus。
DOLLY(inconciliation)。Wemeanwell。
PHILIP。Shutup,both。
(Dollyholdsherlips。McComastakesachairfromtheluncheontable;placesitbetweenthelittletableandthegardenseatwithDollyonhisrightandPhiliponhisleft;andsettleshimselfinitwiththeairofamanabouttobeginalongcommunication。TheClandonsmatchhimexpectantly。)
McCOMAS。Ahem!Yourfather——
DOLLY(interrupting)。Howoldishe?
PHILIP。Sh!
MRS。CLANDON(softly)。DearDolly:don\'tletusinterruptMr。
McComas。
McCOMAS(emphatically)。Thankyou,Mrs。Clandon。Thankyou。(ToDolly。)Yourfatherisfifty-seven。
DOLLY(withabound,startledandexcited)。Fifty-seven!Wheredoeshelive?
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Dolly,Dolly!
McCOMAS(stoppingher)。Letmeanswerthat,Mrs。Clandon。Theanswerwillsurpriseyouconsiderably。Helivesinthistown。(Mrs。
Clandonrises。SheandGlorialookatoneanotherinthegreatestconsternation。)
DOLLY(withconviction)。Iknewit!Phil:Chalkstonesisourfather。
McCOMAS。Chalkstones!
DOLLY。Oh,Crampstones,orwhateveritis。HesaidIwaslikehismother。Iknewhemustmeanhisdaughter。
PHILIP(veryseriously)。Mr。McComas:Idesiretoconsideryourfeelingsineverypossibleway:butIwarnyouthatifyoustretchthelongarmofcoincidencetothelengthoftellingmethatMr。Cramptonofthistownismyfather,Ishalldeclinetoentertaintheinformationforamoment。
McCOMAS。Andpraywhy?
PHILIP。BecauseIhaveseenthegentleman;andheisentirelyunfittobemyfather,orDolly\'sfather,orGloria\'sfather,ormymother\'shusband。
McCOMAS。Oh,indeed!Well,sir,letmetellyouthatwhetheryoulikeitornot,heisyourfather,andyoursister\'father,andMrs。
Clandon\'shusband。Now!Whathaveyoutosaytothat!
DOLLY(whimpering)。Youneedn\'tbesocross。Cramptonisn\'tyourfather。
PHILIP。Mr。McComas:yourconductisheartless。Hereyoufindafamilyenjoyingtheunspeakablepeaceandfreedomofbeingorphans。Wehaveneverseenthefaceofarelative——neverknownaclaimexcepttheclaimoffreelychosenfriendship。Andnowyouwishtothrustintothemostintimaterelationshipwithusamanwhomwedon\'tknow——
DOLLY(vehemently)。Anawfuloldman!(reproachfully)Andyoubeganasifyouhadquiteanicefatherforus。
McCOMAS(angrily)。Howdoyouknowthatheisnotnice?Andwhatrighthaveyoutochooseyourownfather?(raisinghisvoice。)Letmetellyou,MissClandon,thatyouaretooyoungto——
DOLLY(interruptinghimsuddenlyandeagerly)。Stop,Iforgot!Hasheanymoney?
McCOMAS。Hehasagreatdealofmoney。
DOLLY(delighted)。Oh,whatdidIalwayssay,Phil?
PHILIP。Dolly:wehaveperhapsbeencondemningtheoldmantoohastily。Proceed,Mr。McComas。
McCOMAS。Ishallnotproceed,sir。Iamtoohurt,tooshocked,toproceed。
MRS。CLANDON(urgently)。Finch:doyourealizewhatishappening?
Doyouunderstandthatmychildrenhaveinvitedthatmantolunch,andthathewillbehereinafewmoments?
McCOMAS(completelyupset)。What!doyoumean——amItounderstand——
isit——
PHILIP(impressively)。Steady,Finch。Thinkitoutslowlyandcarefully。He\'scoming——comingtolunch。
GLORIA。Whichofusistotellhimthetruth?Haveyouthoughtofthat?
MRS。CLANDON。Finch:youmusttellhim。
DOLLYOh,Finchisnogoodattellingthings。Lookatthemesshehasmadeoftellingus。
McCOMAS。Ihavenotbeenallowedtospeak。Iprotestagainstthis。
DOLLY(takinghisarmcoaxingly)。DearFinch:don\'tbecross。
MRS。CLANDON。Gloria:letusgoin。Hemayarriveatanymoment。
GLORIA(proudly)。Donotstir,mother。Ishallnotstir。Wemustnotrunaway。
MRS。CLANDON(delicatelyrebukingher)。Mydear:wecannotsitdowntolunchjustasweare。Weshallcomebackagain。Wemusthavenobravado。(Gloriawinces,andgoesintothehotelwithoutaword。)
Come,Dolly。(Asshegoesintothehoteldoor,thewaitercomesoutwithplates,etc。,fortwoadditionalcoversonatray。)
WAITER。Gentlemencomeyet,ma\'am?
MRS。CLANDON。Twomoretocomeyet,thankyou。Theywillbehere,immediately。(Shegoesintothehotel。Thewaitertakeshistraytotheservicetable。)
PHILIP。Ihaveanidea。Mr。McComas:thiscommunicationshouldbemade,shoulditnot,byamanofinfinitetact?
McCOMAS。Itwillrequiretact,certainly。
PHILIPGood!Dolly:whosetactwereyounoticingonlythismorning?
DOLLY(seizingtheideawithrapture)。Oh,yes,Ideclare!William!
PHILIP。Theveryman!(Calling)William!
WAITER。Coming,sir。