VALENTINE。What\'sthat?Eh?
McCOMAS。Heallegesthatyoudruggedhim,Mr。Valentine。
VALENTINE。SoIdid。(Theyareastonished。)
McCOMAS。Butwhatdidyoudothatfor?
DOLLY。Fiveshillingsextra。
McCOMAS(toDolly,short-temperedly)。Imustreallyaskyou,MissClandon,nottointerruptthisveryseriousconversationwithirrelevantinterjections。(Vehemently。)Iinsistonhavingearnestmattersearnestlyandreverentlydiscussed。(Thisoutburstproducesanapologeticsilence,andputsMcComashimselfoutofcountenance。Hecoughs,andstartsafresh,addressinghimselftoGloria。)MissClandon:
itismydutytotellyouthatyourfatherhasalsopersuadedhimselfthatMr。Valentinewishestomarryyou——
VALENTINE(interposingadroitly)。Ido。
McCOMAS(offended)。Inthatcase,sir,youmustnotbesurprisedtofindyourselfregardedbytheyounglady\'sfatherasafortunehunter。
VALENTINE。SoIam。DoyouexpectmywifetoliveonwhatIearn?
ten-penceaweek!
McCOMAS(revolted)。Ihavenothingmoretosay,sir。IshallreturnandtellMr。Cramptonthatthisfamilyisnoplaceforafather。(Hemakesforthedoor。)
MRS。CLANDON(withquietauthority)。Finch!(Hehalts。)IfMr。
Valentinecannotbeserious,youcan。Sitdown。(McComas,afterabriefstrugglebetweenhisdignityandhisfriendship,succumbs,seatinghimselfthistimemidwaybetweenDollyandMrs。Clandon。)Youknowthatallthisisamadeupcase——thatFergusdoesnotbelieveinitanymorethanyoudo。Nowgivemeyourrealadvice——yoursincere,friendlyadvice:youknowIhavealwaystrustedyourjudgment。Ipromiseyouthechildrenwillbequiet。
McCOMAS(resigninghimself)。Well,well!WhatIwanttosayisthis。Intheoldarrangementwithyourhusband,Mrs。Clandon,youhadhimataterribledisadvantage。
MRS。CLANDON。Howso,pray?
McCOMAS。Well,youwereanadvancedwoman,accustomedtodefypublicopinion,andwithnoregardforwhattheworldmightsayofyou。
MRS。CLANDON(proudofit)。Yes:thatistrue。(Gloria,behindthechair,stoopsandkisseshermother\'shair,ademonstrationwhichdisconcertsherextremely。)
McCOMAS。Ontheotherhand,Mrs。Clandon,yourhusbandhadagreathorrorofanythinggettingintothepapers。Therewashisbusinesstobeconsidered,aswellastheprejudicesofanold-fashionedfamily。
MRS。CLANDON。Nottomentionhisownprejudices。
McCOMAS。Nownodoubthebehavedbadly,Mrs。Clandon——
MRS。CLANDON(scornfully)。Nodoubt。
McCOMAS。Butwasitaltogetherhisfault?
MRS。CLANDON。Wasitmine?
McCOMAS(hastily)。No。Ofcoursenot。
GLORIA(observinghimattentively)。Youdonotmeanthat,Mr。
McComas。
McCOMAS。Mydearyounglady,youpickmeupverysharply。Butletmejustputthistoyou。Whenamanmakesanunsuitablemarriage(nobody\'sfault,youknow,butpurelyaccidentalincompatibilityoftastes);whenheisdeprivedbythatmisfortuneofthedomesticsympathywhich,Itakeit,iswhatamanmarriesfor;wheninshort,hiswifeisratherworsethannowifeatall(throughnofaultofhisown,ofcourse),isittobewonderedatifhemakesmattersworseatfirstbyblamingher,andeven,inhisdesperation,byoccasionallydrinkinghimselfintoaviolentconditionorseekingsympathyelsewhere?
MRS。CLANDON。Ididnotblamehim:Isimplyrescuedmyselfandthechildrenfromhim。
McCOMAS。Yes:butyoumadehardterms,Mrs。Clandon。Youhadhimatyourmercy:youbroughthimtohiskneeswhenyouthreatenedtomakethematterpublicbyapplyingtotheCourtsforajudicialseparation。
Supposehehadhadthatpoweroveryou,andusedittotakeyourchildrenawayfromyouandbringthemupinignoranceofyourveryname,howwouldyoufeel?whatwouldyoudo?Well,won\'tyoumakesomeallowanceforhisfeelings?——incommonhumanity。
MRS。CLANDON。Ineverdiscoveredhisfeelings。Idiscoveredhistemper,andhis——(sheshivers)therestofhiscommonhumanity。
McCOMAS(wistfully)。Womencanbeveryhard,Mrs。Clandon。
VALENTINE。That\'strue。
GLORIA(angrily)。Besilent。(Hesubsides。)
McCOMAS(rallyingallhisforces)。Letmemakeonelastappeal。
Mrs。Clandon:believeme,therearemenwhohaveagooddealoffeeling,andkindfeeling,too,whichtheyarenotabletoexpress。WhatyoumissinCramptonisthatmereveneerofcivilization,theartofshewingworthlessattentionsandpayinginsincerecomplimentsinakindly,charmingway。IfyoulivedinLondon,wherethewholesystemisoneoffalsegood-fellowship,andyoumayknowamanfortwentyyearswithoutfindingoutthathehatesyoulikepoison,youwouldsoonhaveyoureyesopened。Therewedounkindthingsinakindway:wesaybitterthingsinasweetvoice:wealwaysgiveourfriendschloroformwhenwetearthemtopieces。Butthinkoftheothersideofit!Thinkofthepeoplewhodokindthingsinanunkindway——peoplewhosetouchhurts,whosevoicesjar,whosetempersplaythemfalse,whowoundandworrythepeopletheyloveintheveryactoftryingtoconciliatethem,andyetwhoneedaffectionasmuchastherestofus。Cramptonhasanabominabletemper,Iadmit。Hehasnomanners,notact,nograce。
He\'llneverbeabletogainanyone\'saffectionunlesstheywilltakehisdesireforitontrust。Ishetohavenone——notevenpity——fromhisownfleshandblood?
DOLLY(quitemelted)。Oh,howbeautiful,Finch!Howniceofyou!
PHILIP(withconviction)。Finch:thisiseloquence——positiveeloquence。
DOLLY。Oh,mamma,letusgivehimanotherchance。Letushavehimtodinner。
MRS。CLANDON(unmoved)。No,Dolly:Ihardlygotanylunch。MydearFinch:thereisnottheleastuseintalkingtomeaboutFergus。Youhaveneverbeenmarriedtohim:Ihave。
McCOMAS(toGloria)。MissClandon:Ihavehithertorefrainedfromappealingtoyou,because,ifwhatMr。Cramptontoldmetobetrue,youhavebeenmoremercilesseventhanyourmother。
GLORIA(defiantly)。Youappealfromherstrengthtomyweakness!
McCOMAS。Notyourweakness,MissClandon。Iappealfromherintellecttoyourheart。
GLORIA。Ihavelearnttomistrustmyheart。(WithanangryglanceatValentine。)IwouldtearmyheartandthrowitawayifIcould。Myanswertoyouismymother\'sanswer。(ShegoestoMrs。Clandon,andstandswithherarmabouther;butMrs。Clandon,unabletoendurethissortofdemonstrativeness,disengagesherselfassoonasshecanwithouthurtingGloria\'sfeelings。)
McCOMAS(defeated)。Well,Iamverysorry——verysorry。Ihavedonemybest。(Herisesandpreparestogo,deeplydissatisfied。)
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhatdidyouexpect,Finch?Whatdoyouwantustodo?
McCOMAS。ThefirststepforbothyouandCramptonistoobtaincounsel\'sopinionastowhetherheisboundbythedeedofseparationornot。Nowwhynotobtainthisopinionatonce,andhaveafriendlymeeting(herfacehardens)——orshallwesayaneutralmeeting?——tosettlethedifficulty——here——inthishotel——to-night?Whatdoyousay?
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhereisthecounsel\'sopiniontocomefrom?
McCOMAS。Ithasdroppeddownonusoutoftheclouds。OnmywaybackherefromCrampton\'sImetamosteminentQ。C。,amanwhomI
briefedinthecasethatmadehisnameforhim。HehascomedownherefromSaturdaytoMondayfortheseaair,andtovisitarelativeofhiswholiveshere。HehasbeengoodenoughtosaythatifIcanarrangeameetingofthepartieshewillcomeandhelpuswithhisopinion。Nowdoletusseizethischanceofaquietfriendlyfamilyadjustment。LetmebringmyfriendhereandtrytopersuadeCramptontocome,too。
Come:consent。
MRS。CLANDON(ratherominously,afteramoment\'sconsideration)。
Finch:Idon\'twantcounsel\'sopinion,becauseIintendtobeguidedbymyownopinion。Idon\'twanttomeetFergusagain,becauseIdon\'tlikehim,anddon\'tbelievethemeetingwilldoanygood。However(rising),youhavepersuadedthechildrenthatheisnotquitehopeless。Doasyouplease。
McCOMAS(takingherhandandshakingit)。Thankyou,Mrs。Clandon。
Willnineo\'clocksuityou?
MRS。CLANDON。Perfectly。Phil:willyouring,please。(Philringsthebell。)ButifIamtobeaccusedofconspiringwithMr。Valentine,Ithinkhehadbetterbepresent。
VALENTINE(rising)。Iquiteagreewithyou。Ithinkit\'smostimportant。
McCOMAS。Therecanbenoobjectiontothat,Ithink。Ihavethegreatesthopesofahappysettlement。Good-byeforthepresent。(Hegoesout,meetingthewaiter;whoholdsthedoorforhimtopassthrough。)
MRS。CLANDON。Weexpectsomevisitorsatnine,William。Canwehavedinneratseveninsteadofhalf-past?
WAITER(atthedoor)。Seven,ma\'am?Certainly,ma\'am。Itwillbeaconveniencetousthisbusyevening,ma\'am。Therewillbethebandandthearrangingofthefairylightsandonethingoranother,ma\'am。
DOLLY。Thefairylights!
PHILIP。Theband!William:whatmeanyou?
WAITER。Thefancyball,miss——
DOLLYandPHILIP(simultaneouslyrushingtohim)。Fancyball!
WAITER。Oh,yes,sir。GivenbytheregattacommitteeforthebenefitoftheLife-boat,sir。(ToMrs。Clandon。)Weoftenhavethem,ma\'am:Chineselanternsinthegarden,ma\'am:verybrightandpleasant,verygayandinnocentindeed。(ToPhil。)Ticketsdownstairsattheoffice,sir,fiveshillings:ladieshalfpriceifaccompaniedbyagentleman。
PHILIP(seizinghisarmtodraghimoff)。Totheoffice,William!
DOLLY(breathlessly,seizinghisotherarm)。Quick,beforethey\'reallsold。(Theyrushhimoutoftheroombetweenthem。)
MRS。CLANDON。Whatoneartharetheygoingtodo?(Goingout。)I
reallymustgoandstopthis——(Shefollowsthem,speakingasshedisappears。GloriastarescoollyatValentine,andthendeliberatelylooksatherwatch。)
VALENTINE。Iunderstand。I\'vestayedtoolong。I\'mgoing。
GLORIA(withdisdainfulpunctiliousness)。Ioweyousomeapology,Mr。Valentine。Iamconsciousofhavingspokensomewhatsharply——
perhapsrudely——toyou。
VALENTINE。Notatall。
GLORIA。Myonlyexcuseisthatitisverydifficulttogiveconsiderationandrespectwhenthereisnodignityofcharacterontheothersidetocommandit。
VALENTINE(prosaically)。Howisamantolookdignifiedwhenhe\'sinfatuated?
GLORIA(effectuallyunstilted)。Don\'tsaythosethingstome。I
forbidyou。Theyareinsults。
VALENTINE。No:they\'reonlyfollies。Ican\'thelpthem。
GLORIA。Ifyouwerereallyinlove,itwouldnotmakeyoufoolish:
itwouldgiveyoudignity——earnestness——evenbeauty。
VALENTINE。Doyoureallythinkitwouldmakemebeautiful?(Sheturnsherbackonhimwiththecoldestcontempt。)Ah,youseeyou\'renotinearnest。Lovecan\'tgiveanymannewgifts。Itcanonlyheightenthegiftshewasbornwith。
GLORIA(sweepingroundathimagain)。Whatgiftswereyoubornwith,pray?
VALENTINE。Lightnessofheart。
GLORIA。Andlightnessofhead,andlightnessoffaith,andlightnessofeverythingthatmakesaman。
VALENTINE。Yes,thewholeworldislikeafeatherdancinginthelightnow;andGloriaisthesun。(Sherearsherheadangrily。)Ibegyourpardon:I\'moff。Backatnine。Good-bye。(Herunsoffgaily,leavingherstandinginthemiddleoftheroomstaringafterhim。)
ENDOFACTIII
ActIV
Thesameroom。Nineo\'clock。Nobodypresent。Thelampsarelighted;butthecurtainsarenotdrawn。Thewindowstandswideopen;
andstringsofChineselanternsareglowingamongthetreesoutside,withthestarryskybeyond。Thebandisplayingdance-musicinthegarden,drowningthesoundofthesea。
Thewaiterenters,shewinginCramptonandMcComas。Cramptonlookscowedandanxious。Hesitsdownwearilyandtimidlyontheottoman。
WAITER。Theladieshavegoneforaturnthroughthegroundstoseethefancydresses,sir。Ifyouwillbesogoodastotakeseats,gentlemen,Ishalltellthem。(HeisabouttogointothegardenthroughthewindowwhenMcComasstopshim。)
McCOMAS。Onemoment。Ifanothergentlemancomes,shewhiminwithoutanydelay:weareexpectinghim。
WAITER。Right,sir。Whatname,sir?
McCOMAS。Boon。Mr。Boon。HeisastrangertoMrs。Clandon;sohemaygiveyouacard。Ifso,thenameisspeltB。O。H。U。N。Youwillnotforget。
WAITER(smiling)。Youmaydependonmeforthat,sir。MyownnameisBoon,sir,thoughIambestknowndownhereasBalmyWalters,sir。
ByrightsIshouldspellitwiththeaitchyou,sir;butIthinkitbestnottotakethatliberty,sir。ThereisNormanbloodinit,sir;andNormanbloodisnotarecommendationtoawaiter。
McCOMAS。Well,well:\"Trueheartsaremorethancoronets,andsimplefaiththanNormanblood。\"
WAITER。Thatdependsagooddealonone\'sstationinlife,sir。Ifyouwereawaiter,sir,you\'dfindthatsimplefaithwouldleaveyoujustasshortasNormanblood。IfinditbesttospellmyselfB。
double-O。N。,andtokeepmywitsprettysharpaboutme。ButI\'mtakingupyourtime,sir。You\'llexcuseme,sir:yourownfaultforbeingsoaffable,sir。I\'lltelltheladiesyou\'rehere,sir。(Hegoesoutintothegardenthroughthewindow。)
McCOMAS。Crampton:Icandependonyou,can\'tI?
CRAMPTON。Yes,yes。I\'llbequiet。I\'llbepatient。I\'lldomybest。
McCOMAS。Remember:I\'venotgivenyouaway。I\'vetoldthemitwasalltheirfault。
CRAMPTON。Youtoldmethatitwasallmyfault。
McCOMAS。Itoldyouthetruth。
CRAMPTON(plaintively)。Iftheywillonlybefairtome!
McCOMAS。MydearCrampton,theywon\'tbefairtoyou:it\'snottobeexpectedfromthemattheirage。Ifyou\'regoingtomakeimpossibleconditionsofthiskind,wemayaswellgobackhomeatonce。
CRAMPTON。ButsurelyIhavearight——
McCOMAS(intolerantly)。Youwon\'tgetyourrights。Now,onceforall,Crampton,didyourpromisesofgoodbehavioronlymeanthatyouwon\'tcomplainifthere\'snothingtocomplainof?Because,ifso——
(Hemovesasiftogo。)
CRAMPTON(miserably)。No,no:letmealone,can\'tyou?I\'vebeenbulliedenough:I\'vebeentormentedenough。ItellyouI\'lldomybest。Butifthatgirlbeginstotalktomelikethatandtolookatmelike——(Hebreaksoffandburieshisheadinhishands。)
McCOMAS(relenting)。There,there:it\'llbeallright,ifyouwillonlybearandforbear。Come,pullyourselftogether:there\'ssomeonecoming。(Crampton,toodejectedtocaremuch,hardlychangeshisattitude。Gloriaentersfromthegarden;McComasgoestomeetheratthewindow;sothathecanspeaktoherwithoutbeingheardbyCrampton。)Thereheis,MissClandon。Bekindtohim。I\'llleaveyouwithhimforamoment。(Hegoesintothegarden。Gloriacomesinandstrollscoollydownthemiddleoftheroom。)
CRAMPTON(lookingroundinalarm)。Where\'sMcComas?
GLORIA(listlessly,butnotunsympathetically)。Goneout——toleaveustogether。Delicacyonhispart,Isuppose。(Shestopsbesidehimandlooksquaintlydownathim。)Well,father?
CRAMPTON(aquaintjocositybreakingthroughhisforlornness)。Well,daughter?(Theylookatoneanotherforamoment,withamelancholysenseofhumor。)
GLORIA。Shakehands。(Theyshakehands。)
CRAMPTON(holdingherhand)。Mydear:I\'mafraidIspokeveryimproperlyofyourmotherthisafternoon。
GLORIA。Oh,don\'tapologize。Iwasveryhighandmightymyself;butI\'vecomedownsince:oh,yes:I\'vebeenbroughtdown。(Shesitsonthefloorbesidehischair。)
CRAMPTON。Whathashappenedtoyou,mychild?
GLORIA。Oh,nevermind。Iwasplayingthepartofmymother\'sdaughterthen;butI\'mnot:I\'mmyfather\'sdaughter。(Lookingathimfunnily。)That\'sacomedown,isn\'tit?
CRAMPTON(angry)。What!(Heroddexpressiondoesnotalter。Hesurrenders。)Well,yes,mydear:Isupposeitis,Isupposeitis。
(Shenodssympathetically。)I\'mafraidI\'msometimesalittleirritable;butIknowwhat\'srightandreasonableallthetime,evenwhenIdon\'tactonit。Canyoubelievethat?
GLORIA。Believeit!Why,that\'smyself——myselfallover。Iknowwhat\'srightanddignifiedandstrongandnoble,justaswellasshedoes;butoh,thethingsIdo!thethingsIdo!thethingsIletotherpeopledo!!
CRAMPTON(alittlegrudginglyinspiteofhimself)。Aswellasshedoes?Youmeanyourmother?
GLORIA(quickly)。Yes,mother。(Sheturnstohimonherkneesandseizeshishands。)Nowlisten。Notreasontoher:noword,nothoughtagainsther。Sheisoursuperior——yoursandmine——highheavensaboveus。Isthatagreed?
CRAMPTON。Yes,yes。Justasyouplease,mydear。
GLORIA(notsatisfied,lettinggohishandsanddrawingbackfromhim)。Youdon\'tlikeher?
CRAMPTON。Mychild:youhaven\'tbeenmarriedtoher。Ihave。(Sheraisesherselfslowlytoherfeet,lookingathimwithgrowingcoldness。)Shedidmeagreatwronginmarryingmewithoutreallycaringforme。Butafterthat,thewrongwasallonmyside,Idaresay。(Heoffersherhishandagain。)
GLORIA(takingitfirmlyandwarningly)。Takecare。That\'sadangeroussubject。Myfeelings——mymiserable,cowardly,womanlyfeelings——maybeonyourside;butmyconscienceisonhers。
CRAMPTON。I\'mverywellcontentwiththatdivision,mydear。Thankyou。(Valentinearrives。Gloriaimmediatelybecomesdeliberatelyhaughty。)
VALENTINE。Excuseme;butit\'simpossibletofindaservanttoannounceone:eventheneverfailingWilliamseemstobeattheball。I
shouldhavegonemyself;onlyIhaven\'tfiveshillingstobuyaticket。
Howareyougettingon,Crampton?Better,eh?
CRAMPTON。Iammyselfagain,Mr。Valentine,nothankstoyou。
VALENTINE。Lookatthisungratefulparentofyours,MissClandon!I
savedhimfromanexcruciatingpang;andherevilesme!
GLORIA(coldly)。Iamsorrymymotherisnotheretoreceiveyou,Mr。Valentine。Itisnotquitenineo\'clock;andthegentlemanofwhomMr。McComasspoke,thelawyer,isnotyetcome。
VALENTINE。Oh,yes,heis。I\'vemethimandtalkedtohim。(Withgaymalice。)You\'lllikehim,MissClandon:he\'stheveryincarnationofintellect。Youcanhearhismindworking。
GLORIA(ignoringthejibe)。Whereishe?
VALENTINE。Boughtafalsenoseandgoneintothefancyball。
CRAMPTON(crustily,lookingathiswatch)。Itseemsthateverybodyhasgonetothisfancyballinsteadofkeepingtoourappointmenthere。
VALENTINE。Oh,he\'llcomeallrightenough:thatwashalfanhourago。Ididn\'tliketoborrowfiveshillingsfromhimandgoinwithhim;soIjoinedthemobandlookedthroughtherailingsuntilMissClandondisappearedintothehotelthroughthewindow。
GLORIA。Soithascometothis,thatyoufollowmeaboutinpublictostareatme。
VALENTINE。Yes:somebodyoughttochainmeup。
Gloriaturnsherbackonhimandgoestothefireplace。Hetakesthesnubveryphilosophically,andgoestotheoppositesideoftheroom。
Thewaiterappearsatthewindow,usheringinMrs。ClandonandMcComas。
MRS。CLANDON(hurryingin)。Iamsosorrytohavekeptyouwaiting。
Agrotesquelymajesticstranger,inadominoandfalsenose,withgoggles,appearsatthewindow。
WAITER(tothestranger)。Begpardon,sir;butthisisaprivateapartment,sir。Ifyouwillallowme,sir,IwillshewyoutotheAmericanbarandsupperrooms,sir。Thisway,sir。
Hegoesintothegardens,leadingthewayundertheimpressionthatthestrangerisfollowinghim。Themajesticone,however,comesstraightintotheroomtotheendofthetable,where,withimpressivedeliberation,hetakesoffthefalsenoseandthenthedomino,rollingupthenoseintothedominoandthrowingthebundleonthetablelikeachampionthrowingdownhisglove。Heisnowseentobeastout,tallmanbetweenfortyandfifty,cleanshaven,withamidnightoilpalloremphasizedbystiffblackhair,croppedshortandoiled,andeyebrowslikeearlyVictorianhorsehairupholstery。Physicallyandspiritually,acoarsenedman:incunningandlogic,aruthlesslysharpenedone。Hisbearingasheentersissufficientlyimposinganddisquieting;butwhenhespeaks,hispowerful,menacingvoice,impressivelyarticulatedspeech,stronginexorablemanner,andaterrifyingpowerofintenselycriticallisteningraisetheimpressionproducedbyhimtoabsolutetremendousness。
THESTRANGER。MynameisBohun。(Generalawe。)HaveIthehonorofaddressingMrs。Clandon?(Mrs。Clandonbows。Bohunbows。)MissClandon?(Gloriabows。Bohunbows。)Mr。Clandon?
CRAMPTON(insistingonhisrightfulnameasangrilyashedares)。MynameisCrampton,sir。
BOHUN。Oh,indeed。(PassinghimoverwithoutfurthernoticeandturningtoValentine。)AreyouMr。Clandon?
VALENTINE(makingitapointofhonornottobeimpressedbyhim)。
DoIlooklikeit?MynameisValentine。Ididthedrugging。
BOHUN。Ah,quiteso。ThenMr。Clandonhasnotyetarrived?
WAITER(enteringanxiouslythroughthewindow)。Begpardon,ma\'am;
butcanyoutellmewhatbecameofthat——(HerecognizesBohun,andlosesallhisself-possession。Bohunwaitsrigidlyforhimtopullhimselftogether。Afterapatheticexhibitionofconfusion,herecovershimselfsufficientlytoaddressBohunweaklybutcoherently。)Begpardon,sir,I\'msure,sir。Was——wasityou,sir?
BOHUN(ruthlessly)。ItwasI。
WAITER(brokenly)。Yes,sir。(Unabletorestrainhistears。)Youinafalsenose,Walter!(Hesinksfaintlyintoachairatthetable。)
Ibegpardon,ma\'am,I\'msure。Alittlegiddiness——
BOHUN(commandingly)。Youwillexcusehim,Mrs。Clandon,whenI
informyouthatheismyfather。
WAITER(heartbroken)。Oh,no,no,Walter。Awaiterforyourfatheronthetopofafalsenose!Whatwilltheythinkofyou?
MRS。CLANDON(goingtothewaiter\'schairinherkindestmanner)。I
amdelightedtohearit,Mr。Bohun。Yourfatherhasbeenanexcellentfriendtoussincewecamehere。(Bohunbowsgravely。)
WAITER(shakinghishead)。Oh,no,ma\'am。It\'sverykindofyou——
veryladylikeandaffableindeed,ma\'am;butIshouldfeelatagreatdisadvantageoffmyownproperfooting。Nevermindmybeingthegentleman\'sfather,ma\'am:itisonlytheaccidentofbirthafterall,ma\'am。(Hegetsupfeebly。)You\'llallexcuseme,I\'msure,havinginterruptedyourbusiness。(Hebeginstomakehiswayalongthetable,supportinghimselffromchairtochair,withhiseyeonthedoor。)
BOHUN。Onemoment。(Thewaiterstops,withasinkingheart。)Myfatherwasawitnessofwhatpassedto-day,washenot,Mrs。Clandon?
MRS。CLANDON。Yes,mostofit,Ithink。
BOHUN。Inthatcaseweshallwanthim。
WAITER(pleading)。Ihopeitmaynotbenecessary,sir。Busyeveningforme,sir,withthatball:verybusyeveningindeed,sir。
BOHUN(inexorably)。Weshallwantyou。
MRS。CLANDON(politely)。Sitdown,won\'tyou?
WAITER(earnestly)。Oh,ifyouplease,ma\'am,Ireallymustdrawthelineatsittingdown。Icouldn\'tletmyselfbeseendoingsuchathing,ma\'am:thankyou,Iamsure,allthesame。(Helooksroundfromfacetofacewretchedly,withanexpressionthatwouldmeltaheartofstone。)
GLORIA。Don\'tletuswastetime。Williamonlywantstogoontakingcareofus。Ishouldlikeacupofcoffee。
WAITER(brighteningperceptibly)。Coffee,miss?(Hegivesalittlegaspofhope。)Certainly,miss。Thankyou,miss:verytimely,miss,verythoughtfulandconsiderateindeed。(ToMrs。Clandon,timidlybutexpectantly。)Anythingforyou,ma\'am?
MRS。CLANDONEr——oh,yes:it\'ssohot,Ithinkwemighthaveajugofclaretcup。
WAITER(beaming)。Claretcup,ma\'am!Certainly,ma\'am。
GLORIAOh,wellI\'llhaveaclaretcupinsteadofcoffee。Putsomecucumberinit。
WAITER(delighted)。Cucumber,miss!yes,miss。(ToBohun。)
Anythingspecialforyou,sir?Youdon\'tlikecucumber,sir。
BOHUN。IfMrs。Clandonwillallowme——syphon——Scotch。
WAITER。Right,sir。(ToCrampton。)Irishforyou,sir,Ithink,sir?(Cramptonassentswithagrunt。ThewaiterlooksenquiringlyatValentine。)
VALENTINE。Ilikethecucumber。
WAITER。Right,sir。(Summingup。)Claretcup,syphon,oneScotchandoneIrish?
MRS。CLANDON。Ithinkthat\'sright。
WAITER(perfectlyhappy)。Right,ma\'am。Directly,ma\'am。Thankyou。(Heamblesoffthroughthewindow,havingsoundedthewholegamutofhumanhappiness,fromthebottomtothetop,inalittleovertwominutes。)
McCOMAS。Wecanbeginnow,Isuppose?
BOHUN。WehadbetterwaituntilMrs。Clandon\'shusbandarrives。
CRAMPTON。Whatd\'y\'mean?I\'mherhusband。
BOHUN(instantlypouncingontheinconsistencybetweenthisandhispreviousstatement)。YousaidjustnowyournamewasCrampton。
CRAMPTON。Soitis。
MRS。CLANDON}(allfour{I——
GLORIA}speaking{My——
McCOMAS}simul-{Mrs——
VALENTINE}taneously)。{You——
BOHUN(drowningthemintwothunderouswords)。Onemoment。(Deadsilence。)Prayallowme。Sitdowneverybody。(Theyobeyhumbly。
Gloriatakesthesaddle-bagchaironthehearth。Valentineslipsaroundtohersideoftheroomandsitsontheottomanfacingthewindow,sothathecanlookather。CramptonsitsontheottomanwithhisbacktoValentine\'s。Mrs。Clandon,whohasallalongkeptattheoppositesideoftheroominordertoavoidCramptonasmuchaspossible,sitsnearthedoor,withMcComasbesideheronherleft。Bohunplaceshimselfmagisteriallyinthecentreofthegroup,nearthecornerofthetableonMrs。Clandon\'sside。Whentheyaresettled,hefixesCramptonwithhiseye,andbegins。)Inthisfamily,itappears,thehusband\'snameisCrampton:thewife\'sClandon。Thuswehaveontheverythresholdofthecaseanelementofconfusion。
VALENTINE(gettingupandspeakingacrosstohimwithonekneeontheottoman)。Butit\'sperfectlysimple。
BOHUN(annihilatinghimwithavocalthunderbolt)。Itis。Mrs。
Clandonhasadoptedanothername。ThatistheobviousexplanationwhichyoufearedIcouldnotfindoutformyself。Youmistrustmyintelligence,Mr。Valentine——(Stoppinghimasheisabouttoprotest。)
No:Idon\'twantyoutoanswerthat:Iwantyoutothinkoveritwhenyoufeelyournextimpulsetointerruptme。
VALENTINE(dazed)。Thisissimplybreakingabutterflyonawheel。
Whatdoesitmatter?(Hesitsdownagain。)
BOHUN。Iwilltellyouwhatitmatters,sir。Itmattersthatifthisfamilydifferenceistobesmoothedoverasweallhopeitmaybe,Mrs。Clandon,asamatterofsocialconvenienceanddecency,willhavetoresumeherhusband\'sname。(Mrs。Clandonassumesanexpressionofthemostdeterminedobstinacy。)OrelseMr。CramptonwillhavetocallhimselfMr。Clandon。(Cramptonlooksindomitablyresolvedtodonothingofthesort。)Nodoubtyouthinkthataneasymatter,Mr。Valentine。
(HelookspointedlyatMrs。Clandon,thenatCrampton。)Idifferfromyou。(Hethrowshimselfbackinhischair,frowningheavily。)
McCOMAS(timidly)。Ithink,Bohun,wehadperhapsbetterdisposeoftheimportantquestionsfirst。
BOHUN。McComas:therewillbenodifficultyabouttheimportantquestions。Thereneveris。Itisthetriflesthatwillwreckyouattheharbormouth。(McComaslooksasifheconsideredthisaparadox。)
Youdon\'tagreewithme,eh?
McCOMAS(flatteringly)。IfIdid——
BOHUN(interruptinghim)。Ifyoudid,youwouldbeme,insteadofbeingwhatyouare。
McCOMAS(fawningonhim)。Ofcourse,Bohun,yourspecialty——
BOHUN(againinterruptinghim)。Myspecialtyisbeingrightwhenotherpeoplearewrong。IfyouagreedwithmeIshouldbeofnousehere。(Henodsathimtodrivethepointhome;thenturnssuddenlyandforciblyonCrampton。)Nowyou,Mr。Crampton:whatpointinthisbusinesshaveyoumostatheart?
CRAMPTON(beginningslowly)。Iwishtoputallconsiderationsofselfasideinthismatter——
BOHUN(interruptinghim)。Sodoweall,Mr。Crampton。(ToMrs。
Clandon。)Youwishtoputselfaside,Mrs。Clandon?
MRS。CLANDON。Yes:Iamnotconsultingmyownfeelingsinbeinghere。
BOHUN。Sodoyou,MissClandon?
GLORIA。Yes。
BOHUN。Ithoughtso。Wealldo。
VALENTINE。Exceptme。Myaimsareselfish。
BOHUN。That\'sbecauseyouthinkanimpressionofsinceritywillproduceabettereffectonMissClandonthananimpressionofdisinterestedness。(Valentine,utterlydismantledanddestroyedbythisjustremark,takesrefugeinafeeble,speechlesssmile。Bohun,satisfiedathavingnoweffectuallycrushedallrebellion,throwshimselfbackinhischair,withanairofbeingpreparedtolistentolerantlytotheirgrievances。)Now,Mr。Crampton,goon。It\'sunderstoodthatselfisputaside。Humannaturealwaysbeginsbysayingthat。
CRAMPTON。ButImeanit,sir。
BOHUN。Quiteso。Nowforyourpoint。
CRAMPTON。Everyreasonablepersonwilladmitthatit\'sanunselfishone——thechildren。
BOHUN。Well?Whataboutthechildren?
CRAMPTON(withemotion)。Theyhave——
BOHUN(pouncingforwardagain)。Stop。You\'regoingtotellmeaboutyourfeelings,Mr。Crampton。Don\'t:Isympathizewiththem;butthey\'renotmybusiness。Tellusexactlywhatyouwant:that\'swhatwehavetogetat。
CRAMPTON(uneasily)。It\'saverydifficultquestiontoanswer,Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN。Come:I\'llhelpyouout。Whatdoyouobjecttointhepresentcircumstancesofthechildren?
CRAMPTON。Iobjecttothewaytheyhavebeenbroughtup。
BOHUN。Howdoyouproposetoalterthatnow?
CRAMPTON。Ithinktheyoughttodressmorequietly。
VALENTINE。Nonsense。
BOHUN(instantlyflinginghimselfbackinhischair,outragedbytheinterruption)。Whenyouaredone,Mr。Valentine——whenyouarequitedone。
VALENTINE。What\'swrongwithMissClandon\'sdress?
CRAMPTON(hotlytoValentine)。Myopinionisasgoodasyours。
GLORIA(warningly)。Father!
CRAMPTON(subsidingpiteously)。Ididn\'tmeanyou,mydear。
(PleadingearnestlytoBohun。)Butthetwoyoungerones!youhavenotseenthem,Mr。Bohun;andindeedIthinkyouwouldagreewithmethatthereissomethingverynoticeable,somethingalmostgayandfrivolousintheirstyleofdressing。
MRS。CLANDON(impatiently)。DoyousupposeIchoosetheirclothesforthem?Reallythisischildish。
CRAMPTON(furious,rising)。Childish!(Mrs。Clandonrisesindignantly。)
McCOMAS}(allris-}Crampton,youpromised——
VALENTINE}ingand}Ridiculous。Theydress}speaking}charmingly。
GLORIA}together)。}Prayletusbehavereasonably。
Tumult。Suddenlytheyhearachimeofglassesintheroombehindthem。Theyturninsilentsurpriseandfindthatthewaiterhasjustcomebackfromthebarinthegarden,andisjinglinghistraywarninglyashecomessoftlytothetablewithit。
WAITER(toCrampton,settingatumblerapartonthetable)。Irishforyou,sir。(Cramptonsitsdownalittleshamefacedly。Thewaitersetsanothertumblerandasyphonapart,sayingtoBohun)Scotchandsyphonforyou,sir。(Bohunwaveshishandimpatiently。Thewaiterplacesalargeglassjuginthemiddle。)Andclaretcup。(Allsubsideintotheirseats。Peacereigns。)
MRS。CLANDON(humblytoBohun)。Iamafraidweinterruptedyou,Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN(calmly)。Youdid。(Tothewaiter,whoisgoingout。)Justwaitabit。
WAITER。Yes,sir。Certainly,sir。(HetakeshisstandbehindBohun\'schair。)
MRS。CLANDON(tothewaiter)。Youdon\'tmindourdetainingyou,I
hope。Mr。Bohunwishesit。
WAITER(nowquiteathisease)。Oh,no,ma\'am,notatall,ma\'am。
Itisapleasuretometowatchtheworkingofhistrainedandpowerfulmind——verystimulating,veryentertainingandinstructiveindeed,ma\'am。
BOHUN(resumingcommandoftheproceedings)。Now,Mr。Crampton:wearewaitingforyou。Doyougiveupyourobjectiontothedressing,ordoyousticktoit?
CRAMPTON(pleading)。Mr。Bohun:considermypositionforamoment。
Ihaven\'tgotmyselfalonetoconsider:there\'smysisterSophroniaandmybrother-in-lawandalltheircircle。Theyhaveagreathorrorofanythingthatisatall——atall——well——
BOHUN。Outwithit。Fast?Loud?Gay?
CRAMPTON。Notinanyunprincipledsenseofcourse;but——but——
(blurtingitoutdesperately)thosetwochildrenwouldshockthem。
They\'renotfittomixwiththeirownpeople。That\'swhatIcomplainof。
MRS。CLANDON(withsuppressedimpatience)。Mr。Valentine:doyouthinkthereisanythingfastorloudaboutPhilandDolly?
VALENTINE。Certainlynot。It\'sutterbosh。Nothingcanbeinbettertaste。
CRAMPTON。Oh,yes:ofcourseyousayso。
MRS。CLANDON。William:youseeagreatdealofgoodEnglishsociety。
Aremychildrenoverdressed?
WAITER(reassuringly)。Oh,dear,no,ma\'am。(Persuasively。)Oh,no,sir,notatall。Alittleprettyandtastynodoubt;butverychoiceandclassy——verygenteelandhightonedindeed。MightbethesonanddaughterofaDean,sir,Iassureyou,sir。Youhaveonlytolookatthem,sir,to——(Atthismomentaharlequinandcolumbine,dancingtothemusicofthebandinthegarden,whichhasjustreachedthecodaofawaltz,whirloneanotherintotheroom。Theharlequin\'sdressismadeoflozenges,aninchsquare,ofturquoisebluesilkandgoldalternately。Hishatisgiltandhismaskturnedup。Thecolumbine\'spetticoatsaretheepitomeofaharvestfield,goldenorangeandpoppycrimson,withatinyvelvetjacketforthepoppystamens。
Theypass,anexquisiteanddazzlingapparition,betweenMcComasandBohun,andthenbackinacircletotheendofthetable,where,asthefinalchordofthewaltzisstruck,theymakeatableauinthemiddleofthecompany,theharlequindownonhisleftknee,andthecolumbinestandingonhisrightknee,withherarmscurvedoverherhead。Unliketheirdancing,whichischarminglygraceful,theirattitudinizingishardlyasuccess,andthreatenstoendinacatastrophe。)
THECOLUMBINE(screaming)。Liftmedown,somebody:I\'mgoingtofall。Papa:liftmedown。
CRAMPTON(anxiouslyrunningtoherandtakingherhands)。Mychild!
DOLLY(jumpingdownwithhishelp)。Thanks:soniceofyou。(Phil,puttinghishatintohisbelt,sitsonthesideofthetableandpoursoutsomeclaretcup。Cramptonreturnstohisplaceontheottomaningreatperplexity。)Oh,whatfun!Oh,dear。(Sheseatsherselfwithavaultonthefrontedgeofthetable,panting。)Oh,claretcup!(Shedrinks。)
BOHUN(inpowerfultones)。Thisistheyoungerlady,isit?
DOLLY(slippingdownoffthetableinalarmathisformidablevoiceandmanner)。Yes,sir。Please,whoareyou?
MRS。CLANDON。ThisisMr。Bohun,Dolly,whohasverykindlycometohelpusthisevening。
DOLLY。Oh,thenhecomesasaboonandablessing——
PHILIP。Sh!
CRAMPTON。Mr。Bohun——McComas:Iappealtoyou。Isthisright?
Wouldyoublamemysister\'sfamilyforobjectingtothis?
DOLLY(flushingominously)。Haveyoubegunagain?
CRAMPTON(propitiatingher)。No,no。It\'sperhapsnaturalatyourage。
DOLLY(obstinately)。Nevermindmyage。Isitpretty?
CRAMPTON。Yes,dear,yes。(Hesitsdownintokenofsubmission。)
DOLLY(followinghiminsistently)。Doyoulikeit?
CRAMPTON。Mychild:howcanyouexpectmetolikeitortoapproveofit?
DOLLY(determinednottolethimoff)。Howcanyouthinkitprettyandnotlikeit?
McCOMAS(rising,angryandscandalized)。ReallyImustsay——
(Bohun,whohaslistenedtoDollywiththehighestapproval,isdownonhiminstantly。)
BOHUN。No:don\'tinterrupt,McComas。Theyounglady\'smethodisright。(ToDolly,withtremendousemphasis。)Pressyourquestions,MissClandon:pressyourquestions。
DOLLY(rising)。Oh,dear,youarearegularoverwhelmer!Doyoualwaysgoonlikethis?
BOHUN(rising)。Yes。Don\'tyoutrytoputmeoutofcountenance,younglady:you\'retooyoungtodoit。(HetakesMcComas\'schairfrombesideMrs。Clandon\'sandsetsitbesidehisown。)Sitdown。(Dolly,fascinated,obeys;andBohunsitsdownagain。McComas,robbedofhisseat,takesachairontheothersidebetweenthetableandtheottoman。)Now,Mr。Crampton,thefactsarebeforeyou——bothofthem。
Youthinkyou\'dliketohaveyourtwoyoungestchildrentolivewithyou。Well,youwouldn\'t——(Cramptontriestoprotest;butBohunwillnothaveitonanyterms。)No,youwouldn\'t:youthinkyouwould;butIknowbetterthanyou。You\'dwantthisyoungladyheretogiveupdressinglikeastagecolumbineintheeveningandlikeafashionablecolumbineinthemorning。Well,shewon\'t——never。Shethinksshewill;but——
DOLLY(interruptinghim)。NoIdon\'t。(Resolutely。)I\'llnevergiveupdressingprettily。Never。AsGloriasaidtothatmaninMadeira,never,never,neverwhilegrassgrowsorwaterruns。
VALENTINE(risinginthewildestagitation)。What!What!
(Beginningtospeakveryfast。)Whendidshesaythat?Whodidshesaythatto?
BOHUN(throwinghimselfbackwithmassive,pityingremonstrance)。
Mr。Valentine——
VALENTINE(pepperily)。Don\'tyouinterruptme,sir:thisissomethingreallyserious。IinsistonknowingwhoMissClandonsaidthatto。
DOLLY。PerhapsPhilremembers。Whichwasit,Phil?numberthreeornumberfive?
VALENTINE。Numberfive!!!
PHILIP。Courage,Valentine。Itwasn\'tnumberfive:itwasonlyatamenavallieutenantthatwasalwaysonhand——themostpatientandharmlessofmortals。
GLORIA(coldly)。Whatarewediscussingnow,pray?
VALENTINE(veryred)。Excuseme:IamsorryIinterrupted。Ishallintrudenofurther,Mrs。Clandon。(HebowstoMrs。Clandonandmarchesawayintothegarden,boilingwithsuppressedrage。)
DOLLY。Hmhm!
PHILIP。Ahah!
GLORIA。Pleasegoon,Mr。Bohun。
DOLLY(strikinginasBohun,frowningformidably,collectshimselfforafreshgrapplewiththecase)。You\'regoingtobullyus,Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN。I——
DOLLY(interruptinghim)。Oh,yes,youare:youthinkyou\'renot;
butyouare。Iknowbyyoureyebrows。
BOHUN(capitulating)。Mrs。Clandon:thesearecleverchildren——
clearheaded,wellbroughtupchildren。Imakethatadmissiondeliberately。Canyou,inreturn,pointouttomeanywayofinductingthemtoholdtheirtongues?
MRS。CLANDON。Dolly,dearest——!
PHILIP。Ouroldfailing,Dolly。Silence!(Dollyholdshermouth。)
MRS。CLANDON。Now,Mr。Bohun,beforetheybeginagain——
WAITER(softer)。Bequick,sir:bequick。
DOLLY(beamingathim)。DearWilliam!
PHILIP。Sh!
BOHUN(unexpectedlybeginningbyhurlingaquestionstraightatDolly)。Haveyouanyintentionofgettingmarried?
DOLLY。I!Well,FinchcallsmebymyChristianname。
McCOMAS。Iwillnothavethis。Mr。Bohun:Iusetheyounglady\'sChristiannamenaturallyasanoldfriendofhermother\'s。
DOLLY。Yes,youcallmeDollyasanoldfriendofmymother\'s。ButwhataboutDorothee-ee-a?(McComasrisesindignantly。)
CRAMPTON(anxiously,risingtorestrainhim)。Keepyourtemper,McComas。Don\'tletusquarrel。Bepatient。
McCOMAS。Iwillnotbepatient。Youareshewingthemostwretchedweaknessofcharacter,Crampton。Isaythisismonstrous。
DOLLY。Mr。Bohun:pleasebullyFinchforus。
BOHUN。Iwill。McComas:you\'remakingyourselfridiculous。Sitdown。
McCOMAS。I——
BOHUN(wavinghimdownimperiously)。No:sitdown,sitdown。
(McComassitsdownsulkily;andCrampton,muchrelieved,followshisexample。)
DOLLY(toBohun,meekly)。Thankyou。
BOHUN。Now,listentome,allofyou。Igivenoopinion,McComas,astohowfaryoumayormaynothavecommittedyourselfinthedirectionindicatedbythisyounglady。(McComasisabouttoprotest。)
No:don\'tinterruptme:ifshedoesn\'tmarryyoushewillmarrysomebodyelse。Thatisthesolutionofthedifficultyastohernotbearingherfather\'sname。Theotherladyintendstogetmarried。
GLORIA(flushing)。Mr。Bohun!
BOHUN。Oh,yes,youdo:youdon\'tknowit;butyoudo。
GLORIA(rising)。Stop。Iwarnyou,Mr。Bohun,nottoanswerformyintentions。
BOHUN(rising)。It\'snouse,MissClandon:youcan\'tputmedown。
ItellyouyournamewillsoonbeneitherClandonnorCrampton;andI
couldtellyouwhatitwillbeifIchose。(Hegoestotheotherendofthetable,whereheunrollshisdomino,andputsthefalsenoseonthetable。Whenhemovestheyallrise;andPhilgoestothewindow。
Bohun,withagesture,summonsthewaitertohelphiminrobing。)Mr。
Crampton:yournotionofgoingtolawisallnonsense:yourchildrenwillbeofagebeforeyoucouldgetthepointdecided。(Allowingthewaitertoputthedominoonhisshoulders。)Youcandonothingbutmakeafriendlyarrangement。Ifyouwantyourfamilymorethantheywantyou,you\'llgettheworseofthearrangement:iftheywantyoumorethanyouwantthem,you\'llgetthebetterofit。(Heshakesthedominointobecomingfoldsandtakesupthefalsenose。Dollygazesadmiringlyathim。)Thestrengthoftheirpositionliesintheirbeingveryagreeablepeoplepersonally。Thestrengthofyourpositionliesinyourincome。
(Heclapsonthefalsenose,andisagaingrotesquelytransfigured。)
DOLLY(runningtohim)。Oh,nowyoulookquitelikeahumanbeing。
Mayn\'tIhavejustonedancewithyou?Canyoudance?(Phil,resuminghispartofharlequin,waveshishatasifcastingaspellonthem。)
BOHUN(thunderously)。Yes:youthinkIcan\'t;butIcan。Comealong。(Heseizesheranddancesoffwithherthroughthewindowinamostpowerfulmanner,butwithstudiedproprietyandgrace。Thewaiterismeanwhilebusyputtingthechairsbackintheircustomaryplaces。)
PHILIP。\"Onwiththedance:letjoybeunconfined。\"William!
WAITER。Yes,sir。
PHILIP。CanyouprocureacoupleofdominosandfalsenosesformyfatherandMr。McComas?
McCOMAS。Mostcertainlynot。Iprotest——
CRAMPTON。No,no。Whatharmwillitdo,justforonce,McComas?
Don\'tletusbespoil-sports。
McCOMAS。Crampton:youarenotthemanItookyoufor。(Pointedly。)
Bulliesarealwayscowards。(Hegoesdisgustedlytowardsthewindow。)
CRAMPTON(followinghim)。Well,nevermind。Wemustindulgethemalittle。Canyougetussomethingtowear,waiter?
WAITER。Certainly,sir。(Heprecedesthemtothewindow,andstandsasidetheretoletthempassoutbeforehim。)Thisway,sir。Dominosandnoses,sir?
McCOMAS(angrily,onhiswayout)。Ishallwearmyownnose。
WAITER(suavely)。Oh,dear,yes,sir:thefalseonewillfitoveritquiteeasily,sir:plentyofroom,sir,plentyofroom。(HegoesoutafterMcComas。)
CRAMPTON(turningatthewindowtoPhilwithanattemptatgenialfatherliness)。Comealong,myboy,comealong。(Hegoes。)
PHILIP(cheerily,followinghim)。Coming,dad,coming。(Onthewindowthreshold,hestops;lookingafterCrampton;thenturnsfantasticallywithhisbatbentintoahaloroundhishead,andsayswithaloweredvoicetoMrs。ClandonandGloria)Didyoufeelthepathosofthat?(Hevanishes。)
MRS。CLANDON(leftalonewithGloria)。WhydidMr。Valentinegoawaysosuddenly,Iwonder?
GLORIA(petulantly)。Idon\'tknow。Yes,Idoknow。Letusgoandseethedancing。(Theygotowardsthewindow,andaremetbyValentine,whocomesinfromthegardenwalkingquickly,withhisfacesetandsulky。)
VALENTINE(stiffly)。Excuseme。Ithoughtthepartyhadquitebrokenup。
GLORIA(nagging)。Thenwhydidyoucomeback?
VALENTINE。IcamebackbecauseIampenniless。Ican\'tgetoutthatwaywithoutafiveshillingticket。
MRS。CLANDON。Hasanythingannoyedyou,Mr。Valentine?
GLORIA。Nevermindhim,mother。Thisisafreshinsulttome:thatisall。
MRS。CLANDON(hardlyabletorealizethatGloriaisdeliberatelyprovokinganaltercation)。Gloria!
VALENTINE。Mrs。Clandon:haveIsaidanythinginsulting?HaveI
doneanythinginsulting?
GLORIA。youhaveimpliedthatmypasthasbeenlikeyours。Thatistheworstofinsults。
VALENTINE。Iimplynothingofthesort。Ideclarethatmypasthasbeenblamelessincomparisonwithyours。
MRS。CLANDON(mostindignantly)。Mr。Valentine!
VALENTINE。Well,whatamItothinkwhenIlearnthatMissClandonhasmadeexactlythesamespeechestoothermenthatshehasmadetome——whenIhearofatleastfiveformerlovers,withatamenavallieutenantthrownin?Oh,it\'stoobad。
MRS。CLANDON。Butyousurelydonotbelievethattheseaffairs——
merejokesofthechildren\'s——wereserious,Mr。Valentine?
VALENTINE。Nottoyou——nottoher,perhaps。ButIknowwhatthemenfelt。(Withludicrouslygenuineearnestness。)Haveyoueverthoughtofthewreckedlives,themarriagescontractedintherecklessnessofdespair,thesuicides,the——the——the——
GLORIA(interruptinghimcontemptuously)。Mother:thismanisasentimentalidiot。(Shesweepsawaytothefireplace。)
MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Oh,mydearestGloria,Mr。Valentinewillthinkthatrude。
VALENTINE。Iamnotasentimentalidiot。Iamcuredofsentimentforever。(Hesitsdownindudgeon。)
MRS。CLANDON。Mr。Valentine:youmustexcuseusall。Womenhavetounlearnthefalsegoodmannersoftheirslaverybeforetheyacquirethegenuinegoodmannersoftheirfreedom。Don\'tthinkGloriavulgar(Gloriaturns,astonished):sheisnotreallyso。
GLORIA。Mother!Youapologizeformetohim!
MRS。CLANDON。Mydear:youhavesomeofthefaultsofyouthaswellasitsqualities;andMr。Valentineseemsrathertoooldfashionedinhisideasabouthisownsextolikebeingcalledanidiot。AndnowhadwenotbettergoandseewhatDollyisdoing?(Shegoestowardsthewindow。Valentinerises。)
GLORIA。Doyougo,mother。IwishtospeaktoMr。Valentinealone。
MRS。CLANDON(startledintoaremonstrance)。Mydear!(Recollectingherself。)Ibegyourpardon,Gloria。Certainly,ifyouwish。(ShebowstoValentineandgoesout。)
VALENTINE。Oh,ifyourmotherwereonlyawidow!She\'sworthsixofyou。
GLORIA。ThatisthefirstthingIhaveheardyousaythatdoesyouhonor。
VALENTINE。Stuff!Come:saywhatyouwanttosayandletmego。
GLORIA。Ihaveonlythistosay。Youdraggedmedowntoyourlevelforamomentthisafternoon。Doyouthink,ifthathadeverhappenedbefore,thatIshouldnothavebeenonmyguard——thatIshouldnothaveknownwhatwascoming,andknownmyownmiserableweakness?
VALENTINE(scoldingatherpassionately)。Don\'ttalkofitinthatway。WhatdoIcareforanythinginyoubutyourweakness,asyoucallit?Youthoughtyourselfverysafe,didn\'tyou,behindyouradvancedideas!Iamusedmyselfbyupsettingthemprettyeasily。
GLORIA(insolently,feelingthatnowshecandoasshelikeswithhim)。Indeed!
VALENTINE。ButwhydidIdoit?BecauseIwasbeingtemptedtoawakenyourheart——tostirthedepthsinyou。WhywasItempted?
BecauseNaturewasindeadlyearnestwithmewhenIwasinjestwithher。Whenthegreatmomentcame,whowasawakened?whowasstirred?inwhomdidthedepthsbreakup?Inmyself——myself:Iwastransported:youwereonlyoffended——shocked。Youwereonlyanordinaryyounglady,tooordinarytoallowtamelieutenantstogoasfarasIwent。That\'sall。Ishallnottroubleyouwithconventionalapologies。Good-bye。(Hemakesresolutelyforthedoor。)
GLORIA。Stop。(Hehesitates。)Oh,willyouunderstand,ifItellyouthetruth,thatIamnotmakinganadvancetoyou?
VALENTINE。Pooh!Iknowwhatyou\'regoingtosay。Youthinkyou\'renotordinary——thatIwasright——thatyoureallyhavethosedepthsinyournature。Itflattersyoutobelieveit。(Sherecoils。)Well,I
grantthatyouarenotordinaryinsomeways:youareaclevergirl(Gloriastiflesanexclamationofrage,andtakesathreateningsteptowardshim);butyou\'venotbeenawakenedyet。Youdidn\'tcare:youdon\'tcare。Itwasmytragedy,notyours。Good-bye。(Heturnstothedoor。Shewatcheshim,appalledtoseehimslippingfromhergrasp。Asheturnsthehandle,hepauses;thenturnsagaintoher,offeringhishand。)Letuspartkindly。
GLORIA(enormouslyrelieved,andimmediatelyturningherbackonhimdeliberately。)Good-bye。Itrustyouwillsoonrecoverfromthewound。
VALENTINE(brighteningupasitflashesonhimthatheismasterofthesituationafterall)。Ishallrecover:suchwoundshealmorethantheyharm。Afterall,IstillhavemyownGloria。
GLORIA(facinghimquickly)。Whatdoyoumean?
VALENTINE。TheGloriaofmyimagination。
GLORIA(proudly)。KeepyourownGloria——theGloriaofyourimagination。(Heremotionbeginstobreakthroughherpride。)TherealGloria——theGloriawhowasshocked,offended,horrified——oh,yes,quitetruly——whowasdrivenalmostmadwithshamebythefeelingthatallherpoweroverherselfhadbeenbrokendownatherfirstrealencounterwith——with——(Thecolorrushesoverherfaceagain。Shecoversitwithherlefthand,andputsherrightonhisleftarmtosupportherself。)
VALENTINE。Takecare。I\'mlosingmysensesagain。(Summoningallhercourage,shetakesawayherhandfromherfaceandputsitonhisrightshoulder,turninghimtowardsherandlookinghimstraightintheeyes。Hebeginstoprotestagitatedly。)Gloria:besensible:it\'snouse:Ihaven\'tapennyintheworld。
GLORIA。Can\'tyouearnone?Otherpeopledo。
VALENTINE(halfdelighted,halffrightened)。Inevercould——you\'dbeunhappy——Mydearestlove:Ishouldbethemerestfortune-huntingadventurerif——(Hergriponhisarmstightens;andshekisseshim。)
Oh,Lord!(Breathless。)Oh,I——(Hegasps。)Idon\'tknowanythingaboutwomen:twelveyears\'experienceisnotenough。(Inagustofjealousyshethrowshimawayfromher;andhereelsherbackintothechairlikealeafbeforethewind,asDollydancesin,waltzingwiththewaiter,followedbyMrs。ClandonandFinch,alsowaltzing,andPhilpirouettingbyhimself。)
DOLLY(sinkingonthechairatthewriting-table)。Oh,I\'moutofbreath。Howbeautifullyyouwaltz,William!
MRS。CLANDON(sinkingonthesaddlebagseatonthehearth)。Oh,howcouldyoumakemedosuchasillything,Finch!Ihaven\'tdancedsincethesoireeatSouthPlacetwentyyearsago。
GLORIA(peremptorilyatValentine)。Getup。(Valentinegetsupabjectly。)Nowletushavenofalsedelicacy。Tellmymotherthatwehaveagreedtomarryoneanother。(Asilenceofstupefactionensues。
Valentine,dumbwithpanic,looksatthemwithanobviousimpulsetorunaway。)
DOLLY(breakingthesilence)。NumberSix!
PHILIP。Sh!
DOLLY(tumultuously)。Oh,myfeelings!Iwanttokisssomebody;andwebaritinthefamily。Where\'sFinch?
McCOMAS(startingviolently)。No,positively——(Cramptonappearsinthewindow。)
DOLLY(runningtoCrampton)。Oh,you\'rejustintime。(Shekisseshim。)Now(leadinghimforward)blessthem。
GLORIA。No。Iwillhavenosuchthing,eveninjest。WhenIneedablessing,Ishallaskmymother\'s。
CRAMPTON(toGloria,withdeepdisappointment)。AmItounderstandthatyouhaveengagedyourselftothisyounggentleman?
GLORIA(resolutely)。Yes。Doyouintendtobeourfriendor——
DOLLY(interposing)——orourfather?
CRAMPTON。Ishouldliketobeboth,mychild。Butsurely——!Mr。
Valentine:Iappealtoyoursenseofhonor。
VALENTINE。You\'requiteright。It\'sperfectmadness。IfwegoouttodancetogetherIshallhavetoborrowfiveshillingsfromherforaticket。Gloria:don\'tberash:you\'rethrowingyourselfaway。I\'dmuchbetterclearstraightoutofthis,andneverseeanyofyouagain。I
shan\'tcommitsuicide:Ishan\'tevenbeunhappy。It\'llbearelieftome:I——I\'mfrightened,I\'mpositivelyfrightened;andthat\'stheplaintruth。
GLORIA(determinedly)。Youshallnotgo。
VALENTINE(quailing)。No,dearest:ofcoursenot。But——oh,willsomebodyonlytalksenseforamomentandbringusalltoreason!I
can\'t。Where\'sBohun?Bohun\'stheman。Phil:goandsummonBohun——
PHILIP。Fromthevastlydeep。Igo。(Hemakeshisbatquiverintheairanddartsawaythroughthewindow。)
WAITER(harmoniouslytoValentine)。Ifyouwillexcusemyputtinginaword,sir,donotletamatteroffiveshillingsstandbetweenyouandyourhappiness,sir。Weshallbeonlytoopleasedtoputtheticketdowntoyou:andyoucansettleatyourconvenience。Verygladtomeetyouinanyway,veryhappyandpleasedindeed,sir。
PHILIP(re-appearing)。Hecomes。(Hewaveshisbatoverthewindow。
Bohuncomesin,takingoffhisfalsenoseandthrowingitonthetableinpassingashecomesbetweenGloriaandValentine。)
VALENTINE。Thepointis,Mr。Bohun——
McCOMAS(interruptingfromthehearthrug)。Excuseme,sir:thepointmustbeputtohimbyasolicitor。Thequestionisoneofanengagementbetweenthesetwoyoungpeople。Theladyhassomeproperty,and(lookingatCrampton)willprobablyhaveagooddealmore。
CRAMPTON。Possibly。Ihopeso。
VALENTINE。Andthegentlemanhasn\'tarap。
BOHUN(nailingValentinetothepointinstantly)。Theninsistonasettlement。Thatshocksyourdelicacy:mostsensibleprecautionsdo。
Butyouaskmyadvice;andIgiveittoyou。Haveasettlement。
GLORIA(proudly)。Heshallhaveasettlement。
VALENTINE。Mygoodsir,Idon\'twantadviceformyself。Givehersomeadvice。
BOHUN。Shewon\'ttakeit。Whenyou\'remarried,shewon\'ttakeyourseither——(turningsuddenlyonGloria)oh,no,youwon\'t:youthinkyouwill;butyouwon\'t。He\'llsettoworkandearnhisliving——(turningsuddenlytoValentine)oh,yes,youwill:youthinkyouwon\'t;butyouwill。She\'llmakeyou。
CRAMPTON(onlyhalfpersuaded)。Then,Mr。Bohun,youdon\'tthinkthismatchanunwiseone?
BOHUN。Yes,Ido:allmatchesareunwise。It\'sunwisetobeborn;
it\'sunwisetobemarried;it\'sunwisetolive;andit\'sunwisetodie。
WAITER(insinuatinghimselfbetweenCramptonandValentine)。Then,ifImayrespectfullyputinawordin,sir,somuchtheworseforwisdom!(ToValentine,benignly。)Cheerup,sir,cheerup:everymanisfrightenedofmarriagewhenitcomestothepoint;butitoftenturnsoutverycomfortable,veryenjoyableandhappyindeed,sir——fromtimetotime。Ineverwasmasterinmyownhouse,sir:mywifewaslikeyouryounglady:shewasofacommandingandmasterfuldisposition,whichmysonhasinherited。ButifIhadmylifetolivetwiceover,I\'ddoitagain,I\'ddoitagain,Iassureyou。Younevercantell,sir:younevercantell。
PHILIP。AllowmetoremarkthatifGloriahasmadeuphermind——
DOLLY。Thematter\'ssettledandValentine\'sdonefor。Andwe\'remissingallthedances。
VALENTINE(toGloria,gallantlymakingthebestofit)。MayIhaveadance——
BOHUN(interposinginhisgrandestdiapason)。Excuseme:Iclaimthatprivilegeascounsel\'sfee。MayIhavethehonor——thankyou。
(HedancesawaywithGloriaanddisappearsamongthelanterns,leavingValentinegasping。)
VALENTINE(recoveringhisbreath)。Dolly:mayI——(offeringhimselfasherpartner)?
DOLLY。Nonsense!(Eludinghimandrunningroundthetabletothefireplace。)Finch——myFinch!(ShepouncesonMcComasandmakeshimdance。)
McCOMAS(protesting)。Prayrestrain——really——(Heisborneoffdancingthroughthewindow。)
VALENTINE(makingalasteffort)。Mrs。Clandon:mayI——
PHILIP(forestallinghim)。Come,mother。(Heseizeshismotherandwhirlsheraway。)
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil,Phil——(ShesharesMcComas\'sfate。)
CRAMPTON(followingthemwithsenileglee)。Ho!ho!He!he!he!
(Hegoesintothegardenchucklingatthefun。)
VALENTINE(collapsingontheottomanandstaringatthewaiter)。I
mightaswellbeamarriedmanalready。(ThewaitercontemplatesthecapturedDuellistofSexwithaffectionatecommiseration,shakinghisheadslowly。)