Toourselves，sleepingandwakingthere，_behind_therainbow，thereisnobeautyinthehouse；onlyachilldampmistineveryroom，and，overall，ahauntingfearofthehourwhenthegildedcloudswillmeltaway，andletusfall——somewhatheavily，nodoubt——uponthehardworldunderneath。
But，there！ofwhatmatteris_our_misery，_our_terror？Tothestranger，ourhomeappearsfairandbright。Theworkersinthefieldsbelowlookupandenvyusourabodeofgloryanddelight！If_they_
thinkitpleasant，surely_we_shouldbecontent。Havewenotbeentaughttoliveforothersandnotforourselves，andarewenotactingupbravelytotheteaching——inthismostcuriousmethod？
Ah！yes，weareself-sacrificingenough，andloyalenoughinourdevotiontothisnew-crownedking，thechildofPrinceImpostureandPrincessPretense。Neverbeforewasdespotsoblindlyworshiped！
Neverhadearthlysovereignyetsuchworld-widesway！
Man，ifhewouldlive，_must_worship。Helooksaround，andwhattohim，withinthevisionofhislife，isthegreatestandthebest，thathefallsdownanddoesreverenceto。Tohimwhoseeyeshaveopenedonthenineteenthcentury，whatnoblerimagecantheuniverseproducethanthefigureofFalsehoodinstolenrobes？Itiscunningandbrazenandhollow-hearted，anditrealizeshissoulsideal，andhefallsandkissesitsfeet，andclingstoitsskinnyknees，swearingfealtytoitforevermore！
Ah！heisamightymonarch，bladder-bodiedKingHumbug！Come，letusbuilduptemplesofhewnshadowswhereinwemayadorehim，safefromthelight。LetusraisehimaloftuponourBrummagemshields。Longliveourcoward，falseheartedchief！——fitleaderforsuchsoldiersaswe！LonglivetheLord-of-Lies，anointed！LonglivepoorKingAppearances，towhomallmankindbowstheknee！
Butwemustholdhimaloftverycarefully，oh，mybrotherwarriors！
Heneedsmuch\"keepingup。\"Hehasnobonesandsinewsofhisown，thepooroldflimsyfellow！Ifwetakeourhandsfromhim，hewillfallaheapofworn-outrags，andtheangrywindwillwhirlhimaway，andleaveusforlorn。Oh，letusspendourliveskeepinghimup，andservinghim，andmakinghimgreat——thatis，evermorepuffedoutwithairandnothingness——untilheburst，andwealongwithhim！
Burstonedayhemust，asitisinthenatureofbubblestoburst，especiallywhentheygrowbig。Meanwhile，hestillreignsoverus，andtheworldgrowsmoreandmoreaworldofpretenseandexaggerationandlies；andhewhopretendsandexaggeratesandliesthemostsuccessfully，isthegreatestofusall。
Theworldisagingerbreadfair，andweallstandoutsideourboothsandpointtothegorgeous-coloredpictures，andbeatthebigdrumandbrag。Brag！brag！Lifeisonegreatgameofbrag！
\"Buymysoap，ohyepeople，andyewillneverlookold，andthehairwillgrowagainonyourbaldplaces，andyewillneverbepoororunhappyagain，；andmineistheonlytruesoap。Oh，bewareofspuriousimitations！\"
\"Buymylotion，allyethatsufferfrompainsinthehead，orthestomach，orthefeet，orthathavebrokenarms，orbrokenhearts，orobjectionablemothers-in-law；anddrinkonebottleaday，andallyourtroubleswillbeended。\"
\"Cometomychurch，allyethatwanttogotoHeaven，andbuymypennyweeklyguide，andpaymypew-rates；and，prayye，havenothingtodowithmymisguidedbrotherovertheroad。_This_istheonlysafeway！\"
\"Oh，voteforme，mynobleandintelligentelectors，andsendourpartyintopower，andtheworldshallbeanewplace，andthereshallbenosinorsorrowanymore！AndeachfreeandindependentvotershallhaveabrannewUtopiamadeonpurposeforhim，accordingtohisownideas，withagood-sized，extra-unpleasantpurgatoryattached，towhichhecansendeverybodyhedoesnotlike。Oh！donotmissthischance！\"
Oh！listentomyphilosophy，itisthebestanddeepest。Oh！hearmysongs，theyarethesweetest。Oh！buymypictures，theyalonearetrueart。Oh！readmybooks，theyarethefinest。
Oh！_I_amthegreatestcheesemonger，_I_amthegreatestsoldier，_I_
amthegreateststatesman，_I_amthegreatestpoet，_I_amthegreatestshowman，_I_amthegreatestmountebank，_I_amthegreatesteditor，and_I_amthegreatestpatriot。_We_arethegreatestnation。_We_aretheonlygoodpeople。_Ours_istheonlytruereligion。Bah！howweallyell！
Howweallbragandbounce，andbeatthedrumandshout；andnobodybelievesawordweutter；andthepeopleaskoneanother，saying：
\"Howcanwetellwhoisthegreatestandthecleverestamongalltheseshriekingbraggarts？\"
Andtheyanswer：
\"Thereisnonegreatorclever。Thegreatandclevermenarenothere；thereisnoplacefortheminthispandemoniumofcharlatansandquacks。Themenyouseeherearecrowingcocks。Wesupposethegreatestandthebestof_them_aretheywhocrowtheloudestandthelongest；thatistheonlytestof_their_merits。\"
Therefore，whatisleftforustodo，buttocrow？Andthebestandgreatestofusall，ishewhocrowstheloudestandthelongestonthislittledunghillthatwecallourworld！
Well，Iwasgoingtotellyouaboutourclock。
Itwasmywife\'sidea，gettingit，inthefirstinstance。WehadbeentodinnerattheBuggles\'，andBuggleshadjustboughtaclock——\"pickeditupinEssex，\"wasthewayhedescribedthetransaction。Bugglesisalwaysgoingabout\"pickingup\"things。Hewillstandbeforeanoldcarvedbedstead，weighingaboutthreetons，andsay：
\"Yes——prettylittlething！IpickeditupinHolland；\"asthoughhehadfounditbytheroadside，andslippeditintohisumbrellawhennobodywaslooking！
Buggleswasratherfullofthisclock。Itwasofthegoodold-fashioned\"grandfather\"type。Itstoodeightfeethigh，inacarved-oakcase，andhadadeep，sonorous，solemntick，thatmadeapleasantaccompanimenttotheafter-dinnerchat，andseemedtofilltheroomwithanairofhomelydignity。
Wediscussedtheclock，andBugglessaidhowhelovedthesoundofitsslow，gravetick；andhow，whenallthehousewasstill，andheanditweresittingupalonetogether，itseemedlikesomewiseoldfriendtalkingtohim，andtellinghimabouttheolddaysandtheoldwaysofthought，andtheoldlifeandtheoldpeople。
Theclockimpressedmywifeverymuch。Shewasverythoughtfulallthewayhome，and，aswewentupstairstoourflat，shesaid，\"Whycouldnotwehaveaclocklikethat？\"Shesaiditwouldseemlikehavingsomeoneinthehousetotakecareofusall——sheshouldfancyitwaslookingafterbaby！
IhaveamaninNorthamptonshirefromwhomIbuyoldfurniturenowandthen，andtohimIapplied。HeansweredbyreturntosaythathehadgotexactlytheverythingIwanted。（Healwayshas。Iamveryluckyinthisrespect。）Itwasthequaintestandmostold-fashionedclockhehadcomeacrossforalongwhile，andheenclosedphotographandfullparticulars；shouldhesenditup？