第2章

JustHeaven!whatdidInotsuffersomedaysafterwards,whenIunitedaroundmeatdinner,forthelasttime,allthefriendswhohadbeendearesttomeinthedaysofmyworldlylife!Whatwordscandescribethetumultofmyheartwhenoneofmyguestssaidtome,\"YouaregivingustoogoodadinnerforaWednesdayinPassionWeek;\"andwhenanotheranswered,jestingly,\"Youforgetthatthisisherfarewelldinnertoherfriends!\"Ifeltreadytofaintwhiletheyweretalking,androsefromtablepretextingasanexcuse,thatIhadapaymenttomakethatevening,whichIcouldnotinhonourdeferanylonger。Thecompanyrosewithme,andsawmetothedoor。Igotintomycarriage,andthecompanyreturnedtotable。MynerveswereinsuchastatethatI

shriekedatthefirstcrackofthecoachman\'swhip;andthecompanycamerunningdownagaintoknowwhatwasthematter。Oneofmyservantscleverlystoppedthemfromallhurryingouttothecarriagetogether,bydeclaringthatthescreamproceededfrommyadoptedorphan。Uponthistheyreturnedquietlyenoughtotheirwine,andIdroveoffwithmygeneralconfessiontothevicarofSaintSulpice。

Myinterviewwiththevicarlastedthreehours。HisjoyatdiscoveringthatIwasinastateofgracewasextreme。Myownemotionswerequiteindescribable。LateatnightIreturnedtomyownhouse,andfoundmyguestsallgone。Iemployedmyselfinwritingfarewellletterstothemanagerandcompanyofthetheatre,andinmakingthenecessaryarrangementsforsendingbackmyadoptedorphantohisfriends,withtwentypistoles。Finally,Idirectedtheservantstosay,ifanybodyenquiredaftermethenextday,thatIhadgoneoutoftownforsometime;andafterthat,atfiveo\'clockinthemorning,IleftmyhomeinParisnevertoreturntoitagain。

BythistimeIhadthoroughlyrecoveredmytranquillity。IwasaseasyinmymindatleavingmyhouseasIamnowwhenIquitmycelltosinginthechoir。Suchalreadywasthehappyresultofmyperpetualmasses,mygeneralconfession,andmythreehours\'interviewwiththevicarofSaintSulpice。

Beforetakingleaveoftheworld,IwenttoVersaillestosaygood-byetomyworthypatrons,CardinalFleuryandtheDukedeGesvres。Fromthem,IwenttomassintheKing\'sChapel;andafterthat,IcalledonaladyofVersailleswhomIhadmortallyoffended,forthepurposeofmakingmypeacewithher。Shereceivedmeangrilyenough。ItoldherI

hadnotcometojustifymyself,buttoaskherpardon。Ifshegrantedit,shewouldsendmeawayhappy。Ifshedeclinedtobereconciled,Providencewouldprobablybesatisfiedwithmysubmission,butcertainlynotwithherrefusal。Shefelttheforceofthisargument;andwemadeituponthespot。

IleftVersaillesimmediatelyafterwards,withouttakinganythingtoeat;theactofhumilitywhichIhadjustperformedbeingasgoodasamealtome。

Towardsevening,IenteredthehouseoftheCommunityofSaintPerpetuaatParis。Ihadorderedalittleroomtobefurnishedthereforme,untiltheinventoryofmyworldlyeffectswascompleted,anduntilI

couldconcludemyarrangementsforenteringaconvent。Onfirstinstallingmyself,Ibegantofeelhungryatlast,andbeggedtheSuperioroftheCommunitytogivemeforsupperanythingthatremainedfromthedinnerofthehouse。Theyhadnothingbutalittlestewedcarp,ofwhichIeatwithanexcellentappetite。Marvelloustorelate,althoughIhadbeenabletokeepnothingonmystomachforthepastthreemonths,althoughIhadbeendreadfullysickafteralittlericesoupontheeveningbefore,thestewedcarpofthesisterhoodofSaintPerpetua,withsomenutsafterwardsfordessert,agreedwithmecharmingly,andIsleptallthroughthenightafterwardsaspeacefullyasachild!

Whenthenewsofmyretirementbecamepublic,itoccasionedgreattalkinParis。VariouspeopleassignedvariousreasonsforthestrangecoursethatIhadtaken。Nobody,however,believedthatIhadquittedtheworldintheprimeofmylife(Iwasthenthirty-oneyearsold),nevertoreturntoitagain。Meanwhile,myinventorywasfinishedandmygoodsweresold。Oneofmyfriendssentaletter,entreatingmetoreconsidermydetermination。Mymindwasmadeup,andIwrotetosayso。Whenmygoodshadbeenallsold,IleftParistogoandliveincognitoasaparlour-boarderintheConventoftheUrsulinenunsofPondevaux。HereIwishedtotrythemodeoflifeforalittlewhilebeforeIassumedtheseriousresponsibilityoftakingtheveil。Iknewmyowncharacter——Irememberedmyearlyhorroroftotalseclusion,andmyinveteratedisliketothecompanyofwomenonly;and,movedbytheseconsiderations,Iresolved,nowthatIhadtakenthefirstimportantstep,toproceedinthefuturewithcaution。

ThenunsofPondevauxreceivedmeamongthemwithgreatkindness。Theygavemealargeroom,whichIpartitionedoffintothreesmallones。I

assistedatallthepiousexercisesoftheplace。Deceivedbymyfashionableappearanceandmyplumpfigure,thegoodnunstreatedmeasifIwasapersonofhighdistinction。Thisafflictedme,andI

undeceivedthem。WhentheyknewwhoIreallywas,theyonlybehavedtowardsmewithstillgreaterkindness。Ipassedmytimeinreadingandpraying,andledthequietest,sweetestlifeitispossibletoconceive。

Aftertenmonths\'sojournatPondevaux,IwenttoLyons,andentered(stillasparlour-boarderonly)theHouseofAnticaille,occupiedbythenunsoftheOrderofSaintMary。Here,Ienjoyedtheadvantageofhavingfordirectorofmyconsciencethatholyman,FatherDeveaux。HebelongedtotheOrderoftheJesuits;andhewasgoodenough,whenI

firstaskedhimforadvice,tosuggestthatIshouldgetupateleveno\'clockatnighttosaymyprayers,andshouldremainabsorbedindevotionuntilmidnight。Inobediencetothedirectionsofthissaintlyperson,IkeptmyselfawakeaswellasIcouldtilleleveno\'clock。I

thengotonmykneeswithgreatfervour,andIblushtoconfessit,immediatelyfellasfastasleepasadormouse。Thiswentonforseveralnights,whenFatherDeveauxfindingthatmymidnightdevotionswererathertoomuchforme,wassoobligingastoprescribeanotherspeciesofpiousexercise,inaletterwhichhewrotetomewithhisownhand。

Theholyfather,afterdeeplyregrettingmyinabilitytokeepawake,informedmethathehadanewactofpenitencetosuggesttomebytheperformanceofwhichImightstillhopetoexpiatemysins。Hethen,intheplainestterms,advisedmetohaverecoursetothedisciplineofflagellation,everyFriday,usingthecat-o\'-nine-tailsonmybareshouldersforthelengthoftimethatitwouldtaketorepeataMiserere。Inconclusion,heinformedmethatthenunsofAnticaillewouldprobablylendmethenecessaryinstrumentofflagellation;but,iftheymadeanydifficultyaboutit,hewasbenevolentlyreadytofurnishmewithanewandspecialcat-o\'-nine-tailsofhisownmaking。