第3章

Havingformedmyresolution,manypreliminariestoitsexecutionwerenecessarytobesettled。Thesedemandeddeliberationanddelay;meanwhileIrecollectedmypromisetoLudlow,andpaidhimavisit。Imetafrankandaffectionatereception。ItwouldnotbeeasytopaintthedelightwhichI

experiencedinthisman\'ssociety。Iwasatfirstoppressedwiththesenseofmyowninferiorityinage,knowledgeandrank。Hencearosenumberlessreservesandincapacitatingdiffidences;butthesewerespeedilydissipatedbythefascinationsofthisman\'saddress。

Hissuperioritywasonlyrendered,bytime,moreconspicuous,butthissuperiority,byappearingnevertobepresenttohisownmind,ceasedtobeuneasytome。Myquestionsrequiredtobefrequentlyanswered,andmymistakestoberectified;butmykeenestscrutiny,coulddetectinhismanner,neitherarrogancenorcontempt。Heseemedtotalkmerelyfromtheoverflowofhisideas,orabenevolentdesireofimpartinginformation。

ChapterIV。

Myvisitsgraduallybecamemorefrequent。Meanwhilemywantsincreased,andthenecessityofsomechangeinmyconditionbecamedailymoreurgent。ThisincitedmyreflectionsontheschemewhichIhadformed。Thetimeandplacesuitabletomydesign,werenotselectedwithoutmuchanxiousinquiryandfrequentwaveringsofpurpose。Thesebeingatlengthfixed,theintervaltoelapse,beforethecarryingofmydesignintoeffect,wasnotwithoutperturbationandsuspense。Thesecouldnotbeconcealedfrommynewfriendandatlengthpromptedhimtoinquireintothecause。

Itwasnotpossibletocommunicatethewholetruth;butthewarmthofhismannerinspiredmewithsomedegreeofingenuousness。

Ididnothidefromhimmyformerhopesandmypresentdestitutecondition。Helistenedtomytalewithnoexpressionsofsympathy,andwhenIhadfinished,abruptlyinquiredwhetherIhadanyobjectiontoavoyagetoEurope?Iansweredinthenegative。Hethensaidthathewaspreparingtodepartinafortnightandadvisedmetomakeupmymindtoaccompanyhim。

Thisunexpectedproposalgavemepleasureandsurprize,butthewantofmoneyoccurredtomeasaninsuperableobjection。Onthisbeingmentioned,Oho!saidhe,carelessly,thatobjectioniseasilyremoved,Iwillbearallexpensesofyourpassagemyself。

Theextraordinarybeneficenceofthisactaswellastheairofuncautiousnessattendingit,mademedoubtthesincerityofhisoffer,andwhennewdeclarationsremovedthisdoubt,Icouldnotforbearexpressingatoncemysenseofhisgenerosityandofmyownunworthiness。

Herepliedthatgenerosityhadbeenexpungedfromhiscatalogueashavingnomeaningoraviciousone。Itwasthescopeofhisexertionstobejust。Thiswasthesumofhumanduty,andhethatfellshort,ranbeside,oroutstrippedjusticewasacriminal。Whathegavemewasmydueornotmydue。Ifitweremydue,Imightreasonablydemanditfromhimanditwaswickedtowithholdit。Meritononesideorgratitudeontheother,werecontradictoryandunintelligible。

IfIwerefullyconvincedthatthisbenefitwasnotmydueandyetreceivedit,heshouldholdmeincontempt。Therectitudeofmyprinciplesandconductwouldbethemeasureofhisapprobation,andnobenefitshouldheeverbestowwhichthereceiverwasnotentitledtoclaim,andwhichitwouldnotbecriminalinhimtorefuse。

TheseprincipleswerenotnewfromthemouthofLudloe,buttheyhad,hitherto,beenregardedasthefruitsofaventurousspeculationinmymind。Ihadnevertracedthemintotheirpracticalconsequences,andifhisconductonthisoccasionhadnotsquaredwithhismaxims,Ishouldnothaveimputedtohiminconsistency。Ididnotponderonthesereasoningsatthistime:

objectsofimmediateimportanceengrossedmythoughts。

Oneobstacletothismeasurewasremoved。WhenmyvoyagewasperformedhowshouldIsubsistinmynewabode?Iconcealednotmyperplexityandhecommentedonitinhisusualmanner。HowdidI

meantosubsist,heasked,inmyowncountry?Themeansoflivingwouldbe,atleast,asmuchwithinmyreachthereashere。Astothepressureofimmediateandabsolutewant,hebelievedIshouldbeexposedtolittlehazard。Withtalentssuchasmine,Imustbehuntedbyadestinypeculiarlymalignant,ifIcouldnotprovidemyselfwithnecessarieswherevermylotwerecast。

Hewouldmakeallowances,however,formydiffidenceandself-

distrust,andwouldobviatemyfearsbyexpressinghisownintentionswithregardtome。Imustbeapprized,however,ofhistruemeaning。Helabouredtoshunallhurtfulandvitiousthings,andthereforecarefullyabstainedfrommakingorconfiding~~inpromises~~。Itwasjusttoassistmeinthisvoyage,anditwouldprobablybeequallyjusttocontinuetomesimilarassistancewhenitwasfinished。Thatindeedwasasubject,inagreatdegree,withinmyowncognizance。Hisaidwouldbeproportionedtomywantsandtomymerits,andIhadonlytotakecarethatmyclaimswerejust,forthemtobeadmitted。

Thisschemecouldnotbutappeartomeeligible。Ithirstedafteranacquaintancewithnewscenes;mypresentsituationcouldnotbechangedforaworse;ItrustedtotheconstancyofLudloe\'sfriendship;tothisatleastitwasbettertotrustthantothesuccessofmyimpostureonDorothy,whichwasadoptedmerelyasadesperateexpedient:finallyIdeterminedtoembarkwithhim。

Inthecourseofthisvoyagemymindwasbusilyemployed。

Therewerenootherpassengersbesideourselves,sothatmyownconditionandthecharacterofLudloe,continuallypresentedthemselvestomyreflections。ItwillbesupposedthatIwasnotavagueorindifferentobserver。

Therewerenovicissitudesinthedeportmentorlapsesinthediscourseofmyfriend。Hisfeelingsappearedtopreserveanunchangeabletenor,andhisthoughtsandwordsalwaystoflowwiththesamerapidity。Hisslumberwasprofoundandhiswakefulhoursserene。Hewasregularandtemperateinallhisexercisesandgratifications。Hencewerederivedhisclearperceptionsandexuberanthealth。

Thistreatmentofme,likeallhisothermentalandcorporaloperations,wasmodelledbyoneinflexiblestandard。Certainscruplesanddelicacieswereincidenttomysituation。Oftheexistenceoftheseheseemedtobeunconscious,andyetnothingescapedhiminconsistentwithastateofabsoluteequality。

Iwasnaturallyinquisitiveastohisfortuneandthecollateralcircumstancesofhiscondition。Mynotionsofpolitenesshinderedmefrommakingdirectinquiries。ByindirectmeansIcouldgathernothingbutthathisstatewasopulentandindependent,andthathehadtwosisterswhosesituationresembledhisown。

Though,inconversation,heappearedtobegovernedbytheutmostcandour;nolightwasletinupontheformertransactionsofhislife。ThepurposeofhisvisittoAmericaIcouldmerelyguesstobethegratificationofcuriosity。

Myfuturepursuitsmustbesupposedchieflytooccupymyattention。OnthisheadIwasdestituteofallstedfastviews。

Withoutprofessionorhabitsofindustryorsourcesofpermanentrevenue,theworldappearedtomeanoceanonwhichmybarkwassetafloat,withoutcompassorsail。TheworldintowhichIwasabouttoenter,wasuntriedandunknown,andthoughIcouldconsenttoprofitbytheguidanceIwasunwillingtorelyonthesupportofothers。

Thistopicbeingnearestmyheart,Ifrequentlyintroducedintoconversationwithmyfriend;butonthissubjecthealwaysallowedhimselftobeledbyme,whileonallothers,hewaszealoustopointtheway。ToeveryschemethatIproposedhewassuretocauseobjections。Alltheliberalprofessionswerecensuredaspervertingtheunderstanding,bygivingscopetothesordidmotiveofgain,orembuingthemindwitherroneousprinciples。Skillwasslowlyobtained,andsuccess,thoughintegrityandindependencemustbegivenforit,dubiousandinstable。Themechanicaltradeswereequallyobnoxious;theywerevitiousbycontributingtothespuriousgratificationsoftherichandmultiplyingtheobjectsofluxury;theyweredestructiontotheintellectandvigoroftheartizan;theyenervatedhisframeandbrutalizedhismind。

WhenIpointedouttohimthenecessityofsomespeciesoflabour,hetacitlyadmittedthatnecessity,butrefusedtodirectmeinthechoiceofapursuit,whichthoughnotfreefromdefectshouldyethavethefewestinconveniences。Hedweltonthefewnessofouractualwants,thetemptationswhichattendthepossessionofwealth,thebenefitsofseclusionandprivacy,andthedutyofunfetteringourmindsfromtheprejudiceswhichgoverntheworld。

Hisdiscoursetendedmerelytounsettlemyviewsandincreasemyperplexity。ThiseffectwassouniformthatIatlengthdesistedfromallallusionstothisthemeandendeavouredtodivertmyownreflectionsfromit。Whenourvoyageshouldbefinished,andIshouldactuallytreadthisnewstage,IbelievedthatI

shouldbebetterqualifiedtojudgeofthemeasurestobetakenbyme。

AtlengthwereachedBelfast。FromthenceweimmediatelyrepairedtoDublin。Iwasadmittedasamemberofhisfamily。

WhenIexpressedmyuncertaintyastotheplacetowhichitwouldbeproperformetorepair,hegavemeabluntbutcordialinvitationtohishouse。MycircumstancesallowedmenooptionandIreadilycomplied。Myattentionwasforatimeengrossedbyadiversifiedsuccessionofnewobjects。Theirnoveltyhoweverdisappearing,leftmeatlibertytoturnmyeyesuponmyselfandmycompanion,andheremyreflectionsweresuppliedwithabundantfood。

Hishousewasspaciousandcommodious,andfurnishedwithprofusionandelegance。Asuitofapartmentswasassignedtome,inwhichIwaspermittedtoreignuncontroledandaccesswaspermittedtoawellfurnishedlibrary。Myfoodwasfurnishedinmyownroom,preparedinthemannerwhichIhadpreviouslydirected。

OccasionallyLudloewouldrequestmycompanytobreakfast,whenanhourwasusuallyconsumedinearnestorsprightlyconversation。Atallothertimeshewasinvisible,andhisapartments,beingwhollyseparatefrommine,Ihadnoopportunityofdiscoveringinwhatwayhishourswereemployed。

Hedefendedthismodeoflivingasbeingmostcompatiblewithliberty。Hedelightedtoexpatiateontheevilsofcohabitation。

Men,subjectedtothesameregimen,compelledtoeatandsleepandassociateatcertainhours,werestrangerstoallrationalindependenceandliberty。Societywouldneverbeexemptfromservitudeandmisery,tillthoseartificialtieswhichheldhumanbeingstogetherunderthesameroofweredissolved。Heendeavouredtoregulatehisownconductinpursuanceoftheseprinciples,andtosecuretohimselfasmuchfreedomasthepresentregulationsofsocietywouldpermit。Thesameindependencewhichheclaimedforhimselfhelikewiseextendedtome。Thedistributionofmyowntime,theselectionofmyownoccupationsandcompanionsshouldbelongtomyself。

Buttheseprivileges,thoughwhilelisteningtohisargumentsIcouldnotdenythemtobevaluable,Iwouldhavewillinglydispensedwith。ThesolitudeinwhichIlivedbecamedailymorepainful。Iateanddrank,enjoyedclothingandshelter,withouttheexerciseofforethoughtorindustry;Iwalkedandsat,wentoutandreturnedforaslongandatwhatseasonsIthoughtproper,yetmyconditionwasafertilesourceofdiscontent。

IfeltmyselfremovedtoacomfortlessandchillingdistancefromLudloe。Iwantedtoshareinhisoccupationsandviews。Withallhisingenuousnessofaspectandoverflowofthoughts,whenheallowedmehiscompany,Ifeltmyselfpainfullybewilderedwithregardtohisgenuineconditionandsentiments。

Hehaditinhispowertointroducemetosociety,andwithoutanintroduction,itwasscarcelypossibletogainaccesstoanysocialcircleordomesticfireside。Addtothis,myownobscureprospectsanddubioussituation。Someregularintellectualpursuitwouldrendermystatelessirksome,butIhadhithertoadoptednoschemeofthiskind。

ChapterV。

Timetended,innodegree,toalleviatemydissatisfaction。

ItincreasedtillthedeterminationbecameatlengthformedofopeningmythoughtstoLudloe。Atthenextbreakfastinterviewwhichtookplace,Iintroducedthesubject,andexpatiatedwithoutreserve,onthestateofmyfeelings。Iconcludedwithentreatinghimtopointoutsomepathinwhichmytalentsmightberenderedusefultohimselfortomankind。

Afterapauseofsomeminutes,hesaid,Whatwouldyoudo?

Youforgettheimmaturityofyourage。Ifyouarequalifiedtoactapartinthetheatreoflife,stepforth;butyouarenotqualified。Youwantknowledge,andwiththisyououghtpreviouslytoendowyourselfMeans,forthisend,arewithinyourreach。Whyshouldyouwasteyourtimeinidleness,andtormentyourselfwithunprofitablewishes?Booksareathand……booksfromwhichmostsciencesandlanguagescanbelearned。Read,analise,digest;collectfacts,andinvestigatetheories:

ascertainthedictatesofreason,andsupplyyourselfwiththeinclinationandthepowertoadheretothem。Youwillnot,legallyspeaking,beamaninlessthanthreeyears。Letthisperiodbedevotedtotheacquisitionofwisdom。Eitherstayhere,orretiretoanhouseIhaveonthebanksofKillarney,whereyouwillfindalltheconveniencesofstudy。

Icouldnotbutreflectwithwonderatthisman\'streatmentofme。Icouldpleadnoneoftherightsofrelationship;yetI

enjoyedtheprivilegesofason。Hehadnotimpartedtomeanyscheme,bypursuitofwhichImightfinallycompensatehimfortheexpensetowhichmymaintenanceandeducationwouldsubjecthim。

Hegavemereasontohopeforthecontinuanceofhisbounty。Hetalkedandactedasifmyfortuneweretotallydisjoinedfromhis;

yetwasIindebtedtohimforthemorselwhichsustainedmylife。

Nowitwasproposedtowithdrawmyselftostudiousleisure,andromanticsolitude。Allmywants,personalandintellectual,weretobesuppliedgratuitouslyandcopiously。NomeanswereprescribedbywhichImightmakecompensationforallthesebenefits。Inconferringthemheseemedtobeactuatedbynoviewtohisownultimateadvantage。Hetooknomeasurestosecuremyfutureservices。

Isufferedthesethoughtstoescapeme,onthisoccasion,andobservedthattomakemyapplicationsuccessful,oruseful,itwasnecessarytopursuesomeend。ImustlookforwardtosomepostwhichImighthereafteroccupybeneficiallytomyselforothers;

andforwhichalltheeffortsofmymindshouldbebenttoqualifymyself。

Thesehintsgavehimvisiblepleasure;andnow,forthefirsttime,hedeignedtoadvisemeonthishead。Hisscheme,however,wasnotsuddenlyproduced。Thewaytoitwascircuitousandlong。

Itwashisbusinesstomakeeverynewstepappeartobesuggestedbymyownreflections。Hisownideasweretheseemingresultofthemoment,andsprungoutofthelastideathatwasuttered。

Beinghastilytakenup,theywere,ofcourse,liabletoobjection。

Theseobjections,sometimesoccurringtomeandsometimestohim,wereadmittedorcontestedwiththeutmostcandour。Oneschemewentthroughnumerousmodificationsbeforeitwasprovedtobeineligible,orbeforeityieldedplacetoabetter。Itwaseasytoperceive,thatbooksalonewereinsufficienttoimpartknowledge:

thatmanmustbeexaminedwithourowneyestomakeusacquaintedwiththeirnature:thatideascollectedfromobservationandreading,mustcorrectandillustrateeachother:thatthevalueofallprinciples,andtheirtruth,lieintheirpracticaleffects。

Hence,graduallyarose,theusefulnessoftravelling,ofinspectingthehabitsandmannersofanation,andinvestigating,onthespot,thecausesoftheirhappinessandmisery。Finally,itwasdeterminedthatSpainwasmoresuitablethananyother,totheviewsofajudicioustraveller。

Mylanguage,habits,andreligionwerementionedasobstaclestocloseandextensiveviews;butthesedifficultiessuccessivelyandslowlyvanished。Conversewithbooks,andnativesofSpain,asteadfastpurposeandunwearieddiligencewouldeffacealldifferencesbetweenmeandaCastilianwithrespecttospeech。

Personalhabits,werechangeable,bythesamemeans。Thebarstounboundedintercourse,risingfromthereligionofSpainbeingirreconcilablyoppositetomine,costusnolittletroubletosurmount,andheretheskillofLudloewaseminentlydisplayed。

Ihadbeenaccustomedtoregardasunquestionable,thefallacyoftheRomishfaith。Thispersuasionwashabitualandthechildofprejudice,andwaseasilyshakenbytheartificesofthislogician。

IwasfirstledtobestowakindofassentonthedoctrinesoftheRomanchurch;butmyconvictionswereeasilysubduedbyanewspeciesofargumentation,and,inashorttime,Irevertedtomyancientdisbelief,sothat,ifanexteriorconformitytotherightsofSpainwererequisitetotheattainmentofmypurpose,thatconformitymustbedissembled。

Mymoralprincipleshadhithertobeenvagueandunsettled。Mycircumstanceshadledmetothefrequentpracticeofinsincerity;

butmytransgressionsastheywereslightandtransient,didnotmuchexcitemypreviousreflections,orsubsequentremorse。Mydeviations,however,thoughrenderedeasybyhabit,werebynomeanssanctionedbymyprinciples。Nowanimposture,moreprofoundanddeliberate,wasprojected;andIcouldnothopetoperformwellmypart,unlesssteadfastlyandthoroughlypersuadedofitsrectitude。

Myfriendwastheeulogistofsincerity。Hedelightedtotraceitsinfluenceonthehappinessofmankind;andprovedthatnothingbuttheuniversalpracticeofthisvirtuewasnecessarytotheperfectionofhumansociety。Hisdoctrinewassplendidandbeautiful。Todetectitsimperfectionswasnoeasytask;tolaythefoundationsofvirtueinutility,andtolimit,bythatscale,theoperationofgeneralprinciples;toseethatthevalueofsincerity,likethatofeveryothermodeofaction,consistedinitstendencytogood,andthat,thereforetheobligationtospeaktruthwasnotparamountorintrinsical:thatmydutyismodelledonaknowledgeandforesightoftheconductofothers;andthat,sincemenintheiractualstate,areinfirmanddeceitful,ajustestimateofconsequencesmaysometimesmakedissimulationmydutyweretruthsthatdidnotspeedilyoccur。Thediscovery,whenmade,appearedtobeajointwork。IsawnothinginLudlowbutproofsofcandour,andajudgmentincapableofbias。

Themeanswhichthismanemployedtofitmeforhispurpose,perhapsowedtheirsuccesstomyyouthandignorance。Imayhavegivenyouexaggeratedideasofhisdexterityandaddress。OfthatIamunabletojudge。Certainitis,thatnotimeorreflectionhasabatedmyastonishmentattheprofoundnessofhisschemes,andtheperseverancewithwhichtheywerepursuedbyhim。Todetailtheirprogresswouldexposemetotheriskofbeingtedious,yetnonebutminutedetailswouldsufficientlydisplayhispatienceandsubtlety。