Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourmysticway，\"IfthisyoungmanexpresseshimselfintermstoodeepforME，Why，whataverysingularlydeepyoungmanthisdeepyoungmanmustbe！\"
Beeloquentinpraiseoftheverydullolddayswhichhavelongsincepassedaway，Andconvince’em，ifyoucan，thatthereignofgoodQUEENANNEwasCulture’spalmiestday。
Ofcourseyouwillpooh—poohwhatever’sfreshandnew，anddeclareit’scrudeandmean，AndthatArtstoppedshortinthecultivatedcourtoftheEMPRESS
JOSEPHINE。
Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourmysticway，\"Ifthat’snotgoodenoughforhimwhichisgoodenoughforME，Why，whataverycultivatedkindofyouththiskindofyouthmustbe！\"
Thenasentimentalpassionofavegetablefashionmustexciteyourlanguidspleen，AnattachmentELAPlatoforabashfulyoungpotato，oranot—too—
FrenchFrenchbean。
ThoughthePhilistinesmayjostle，youwillrankasanapostleinthehighaestheticband，IfyouwalkdownPiccadillywithapoppyoralilyinyourmediaevalhand。
Andeveryonewillsay，Asyouwalkyourfloweryway，\"Ifhe’scontentwithavegetablelovewhichwouldcertainlynotsuitME，Why，whatamostparticularlypureyoungmanthispureyoungmanmustbe！\"
Ballad:SaidIToMyself，SaidI
WhenIwenttotheBarasaveryyoungman（SaidItomyself—saidI），I’llworkonanewandoriginalplan（SaidItomyself—saidI），I’llneverassumethatarogueorathiefIsagentlemanworthyimplicitbelief，Becausehisattorney，hassentmeabrief（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
I’llneverthrowdustinajuryman’seyes（SaidItomyself—saidI），Orhoodwinkajudgewhoisnotover—wise（SaidItomyself—saidI），OrassumethatthewitnessessummonedinforceInExchequer，Queen’sBench，CommonPleas，orDivorce，Haveperjuredthemselvesasamatterofcourse（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
EreIgointocourtIwillreadmybriefthrough（SaidItomyself—saidI），AndI’llnevertakeworkI’munabletodo（SaidItomyself—saidI）。
MylearnedprofessionI’llneverdisgraceBytakingafeewithagrinonmyface，WhenIhaven’tbeentheretoattendtothecase（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
Inotherprofessionsinwhichmenengage（SaidItomyself—saidI），TheArmy，theNavy，theChurch，andtheStage，（SaidItomyself—saidI），Professionallicence，ifcarriedtoofar，Yourchanceofpromotionwillcertainlymar—
AndIfancytherulemightapplytotheBar（SaidItomyself—saidI！）
Ballad:SorryHerLotSorryherlotwholovestoowell，Heavytheheartthathopesbutvainly，SadarethesighsthatownthespellUtteredbyeyesthatspeaktooplainly;
HeavythesorrowthatbowstheheadWhenLoveisaliveandHopeisdead！
SadisthehourwhensetstheSun—
DarkisthenighttoEarth’spoordaughters，WhentothearktheweariedoneFliesfromtheemptywasteofwaters！
HeavythesorrowthatbowstheheadWhenLoveisaliveandHopeisdead！
Ballad:TheContemplativeSentryWhenallnightlongachapremainsOnsentry—go，tochasemonotonyHeexercisesofhisbrains，Thatis，assumingthathe’sgotany。
ThoughnevernurturedinthelapOfluxury，yetIadmonishyou，Iamanintellectualchap，Andthinkofthingsthatwouldastonishyou。
Ioftenthinkit’scomicalHowNaturealwaysdoescontriveThateveryboyandeverygal，That’sbornintotheworldalive，IseitheralittleLiberal，OrelsealittleConservative！
Fallalla！
WheninthathouseM。P。’sdivide，Ifthey’veabrainandcerebellum，too，They’vegottoleavethatbrainoutside，Andvotejustastheirleaderstell’emto。
ButthentheprospectofalotOfstatesmen，allincloseproximity，A—thinkingforthemselves，iswhatNomancanfacewithequanimity。
Thenlet’srejoicewithloudFallalThatNaturewiselydoescontriveThateveryboyandeverygal，That’sbornintotheworldalive，IseitheralittleLiberal，OrelsealittleConservative！
Fallalla！
Ballad:ThePhilosophicPillI’vewisdomfromtheEastandfromtheWest，That’ssubjecttonoacademicrule;
Youmayfinditinthejeeringofajest，Ordistilitfromthefollyofafool。
Icanteachyouwithaquip，ifI’veamind;
Icantrickyouintolearningwithalaugh;
Oh，winnowallmyfolly，andyou’llfindAgrainortwooftruthamongthechaff！
Icansetabraggartquailingwithaquip，TheupstartIcanwitherwithawhim;
Hemaywearamerrylaughuponhislip，Buthislaughterhasanechothatisgrim。
Whenthey’veofferedtotheworldinmerryguise，Unpleasanttruthsareswallowedwithawill—
Forhewho’dmakehisfellow—creatureswiseShouldalwaysgildthephilosophicpill！
Ballad:BlueBloodSpurnnotthenoblybornWithloveaffected，NortreatwithvirtuousscornThewellconnected。
Highrankinvolvesnoshame—
WeboastanequalclaimWithhimofhumblenameToberespected！
Blueblood！Blueblood！
Whenvirtuousloveissought，Thypowerisnaught，ThoughdatingfromtheFlood，Blueblood！
SpareusthebitterpainOfsterndenials，Norwithlow—borndisdainAugmentourtrials。
HeartsjustaspureandfairMaybeatinBelgraveSquareAsinthelowlyairOfSevenDials！
Blueblood！Blueblood！
OfwhatavailartthouToservemenow？
ThoughdatingfromtheFlood，Blueblood！
Ballad:TheJudge’sSongWhenI，goodfriends，wascalledtotheBar，I’danappetitefreshandhearty，ButIwas，asmanyyoungbarristersare，Animpecuniousparty。
I’daswallow—tailcoatofabeautifulblue—
Abriefwhichwasbroughtbyabooby—
Acoupleofshirtsandacollarortwo，Andaringthatlookedlikearuby！
InWestminsterHallIdancedadance，Likeasemi—despondentfury;
ForIthoughtIshouldneverhitonachanceOfaddressingaBritishJury—
ButIsoongottiredofthird—classjourneys，Anddinnersofbreadandwater;
SoIfellinlovewitharichattorney’sElderly，uglydaughter。
Therichattorney，hewipedhiseyes，Andrepliedtomyfondprofessions:
\"Youshallreaptherewardofyourenterprise，AttheBaileyandMiddlesexSessions。
You’llsoongetusedtoherlooks，\"saidhe，\"Andaverynicegirlyou’llfindher—
Shemayverywellpassforforty—threeInthedusk，withalightbehindher！\"
Therichattorneywasasgoodashisword:
Thebriefscametroopinggaily，AndeverydaymyvoicewasheardAttheSessionsorAncientBailey。
AllthieveswhocouldmyfeesaffordReliedonmyorations，AndmanyaburglarI’verestoredTohisfriendsandhisrelations。
AtlengthIbecameasrichastheGURNEYS—
AnincubusthenIthoughther，SoIthrewoverthatrichattorney’sElderly，uglydaughter。
TherichattorneymycharacterhighTriedvainlytodisparage—
Andnow，ifyouplease，I’mreadytotryThisBreachofPromiseofMarriage！
Ballad:WhenIFirstPutThisUniformOnWhenIfirstputthisuniformon，Isaid，asIlookedintheglass，\"It’sonetoamillionThatanycivilianMyfigureandformwillsurpass。
Goldlacehasacharmforthefair，AndI’veplentyofthat，andtospare，Whilealover’sprofessions，WhenutteredinHessians，Areeloquenteverywhere！\"
AfactthatIcountedupon，WhenIfirstputthisuniformon！
Isaid，whenIfirstputiton，\"ItisplaintotheveriestdunceThateverybeautyWillfeelitherdutyToyieldtoitsglamouratonce。
TheywillseethatI’mfreelygold—lacedInauniformhandsomeandchaste\"—
ButtheperipateticsOflong—hairedaesthetics，Areverymuchmoretotheirtaste—
WhichInevercounteduponWhenIfirstputthisuniformon！
Ballad:SolatiumComesthebrokenflower—
Comesthecheatedmaid—
Thoughthetempestlower，Rainandcloudwillfade！
Take，Omaid，theseposies:
ThoughthybeautyrareShametheblushingroses，Theyarepassingfair！
Weartheflowerstilltheyfade;
Happybethylife，Omaid！
O’ertheseasonvernal，Timemaycastashade;
Sunshine，ifeternal，Makestherosesfade:
Timemaydohisduty;
Letthethiefalone—
WinterhathabeautyThatisallhisown。
Fairestdaysaresunandshade:
Happybethylife，Omaid！
Ballad:ANightmareWhenyou’relyingawakewithadismalheadache，andreposeistaboo’dbyanxiety，Iconceiveyoumayuseanylanguageyouchoosetoindulgeinwithoutimpropriety;
Foryourbrainisonfire—thebedclothesconspireofusualslumbertoplunderyou:
Firstyourcounterpanegoesanduncoversyourtoes，andyoursheetslipsdemurelyfromunderyou;
Thentheblanketingtickles—youfeellikemixedpickles，soterriblysharpisthepricking，Andyou’rehot，andyou’recross，andyoutumbleandtosstillthere’snothing’twixtyouandtheticking。
Thenthebedclothesallcreeptothegroundinaheap，andyoupick’emallupinatangle;
Nextyourpillowresignsandpolitelydeclinestoremainatitsusualangle！
Well，yougetsomereposeintheformofadoze，withhoteyeballsandheadeveraching，Butyourslumberingteemswithsuchhorribledreamsthatyou’dverymuchbetterbewaking;
ForyoudreamyouarecrossingtheChannel，andtossingaboutinasteamerfromHarwich，Whichissomethingbetweenalargebathing—machineandaverysmallsecond—classcarriage;
Andyou’regivingatreat（pennyiceandcoldmeat）toapartyoffriendsandrelations—
They’rearavenoushorde—andtheyallcameonboardatSloaneSquareandSouthKensingtonStations。
Andboundonthatjourneyyoufindyourattorney（whostartedthatmorningfromDevon）;
He’sabitundersized，andyoudon’tfeelsurprisedwhenhetellsyouhe’sonlyeleven。
Well，you’redrivinglikemadwiththissingularlad（bythebyetheship’snowafour—wheeler），Andyou’replayingroundgames，andhecallsyoubadnameswhenyoutellhimthat\"tiespaythedealer\";
Butthisyoucan’tstand，soyouthrowupyourhand，andyoufindyou’reascoldasanicicle，Inyourshirtandyoursocks（theblacksilkwithgoldclocks），crossingSalisburyPlainonabicycle:
Andheandthecrewareonbicyclestoo—whichthey’vesomehoworotherinvestedin—
Andhe’stellingthetarsalltheparticuLARSofacompanyhe’sinterestedin—
It’saschemeofdevices，togetatlowprices，allgoodsfromcoughmixturestocables（Whichtickledthesailors）bytreatingretailers，asthoughtheywereallvegeTAbles—
Yougetagoodspadesmantoplantasmalltradesman（firsttakeoffhisbootswithaboot—tree），Andhislegswilltakeroot，andhisfingerswillshoot，andthey’llblossomandbudlikeafruit—tree—
Fromthegreengrocertreeyougetgrapesandgreenpea，cauliflower，pineapple，andcranberries，Whilethepastry—cookplantcherry—brandywillgrant—applepuffs，andthree—corners，andbanberries—
Thesharesareapenny，andeversomanyaretakenbyROTHSCHILD
andBARING，Andjustasafewareallottedtoyou，youawakewithashudderdespairing—
You’rearegularwreck，withacrickinyourneck，andnowonderyousnore，foryourhead’sonthefloor，andyou’veneedlesandpinsfromyoursolestoyourshins，andyourfleshisa—creep，foryourleftleg’sasleep，andyou’vecrampinyourtoes，andaflyonyournose，andsomefluffinyourlung，andafeverishtongue，andathirstthat’sintense，andageneralsensethatyouhaven’tbeensleepinginclover;
Butthedarknesshaspassed，andit’sdaylightatlast，andthenighthasbeenlong—ditto，dittomysong—andthankgoodnessthey’rebothofthemover！
Ballad:Don’tForget！
Now，Marco，dear，Mywisheshear:
Whileyou’reawayIt’sunderstoodYouwillbegood，Andnottoogay。
ToeverytraceOfmaidengraceYouwillbeblind，AndwillnotglanceByanychanceOnwomankind！
Ifyouarewise，You’llshutyoureyesTillwearrive，AndnotaddressAladylessThanforty—five;
You’llpleasetofrownOneverygownThatyoumaysee;
AndO，mypet，Youwon’tforgetYou’vemarriedme！
O，mydarling，O，mypet，Whateverelseyoumayforget，Inyonderislebeyondthesea，O，don’tforgetyou’vemarriedme！
You’lllayyourheadUponyourbedAtsetofsun。
YouwillnotsingOfanythingToanyone:
You’llsitandmopeAllday，Ihope，AndshedatearUponthelifeYourlittlewifeIspassinghere！
AndifsobeYouthinkofme，Pleasetellthemoon;
I’llreaditallInraysthatfallOnthelagoon:
You’llbesokindAstellthewindHowyoumaybe，AndsendmewordsBylittlebirdsTocomfortme！
AndO，mydarling，O，mypet，Whateverelseyoumayforget，Inyonderislebeyondthesea，O，don’tforgetyou’vemarriedme！
Ballad:TheSuicide’sGraveOnatreebyariveralittletomtitSang\"Willow，titwillow，titwillow！\"
AndIsaidtohim，\"Dicky—bird，whydoyousitSinging’Willow，titwillow，titwillow’？
Isitweaknessofintellect，birdie？\"Icried，\"Orarathertoughworminyourlittleinside？\"
Withashakeofhispoorlittleheadhereplied，\"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\"
Heslappedathischest，ashesatonthatbough，Singing\"Willow，titwillow，titwillow！\"
Andacoldperspirationbespangledhisbrow，Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！
Hesobbedandhesighed，andagurglehegave，Thenhethrewhimselfintothebillowywave，Andanechoarosefromthesuicide’sgrave—
\"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\"
NowIfeeljustassureasI’msurethatmynameIsn’tWillow，titwillow，titwillow，That’twasblightedaffectionthatmadehimexclaim，\"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\"
Andifyouremaincallousandobdurate，I
Shallperishashedid，andyouwillknowwhy，ThoughIprobablyshallnotexclaimasIdie，\"Oh，willow，titwillow，titwillow！\"
Ballad:HeAndShe[HE。]Iknowayouthwholovesalittlemaid—
（Hey，buthisfaceisasightfortosee！）
Silentishe，forhe’smodestandafraid—
（Hey，buthe’stimidasayouthcanbe！）
[SHE。]Iknowamaidwholovesagallantyouth—
（Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！）
SHEcannottellhimallthesad，sadtruth—
（Hey，butIthinkthatlittlemaidwilldie！）
[BOTH。]Nowtellmepray，andtellmetrue，Whatintheworldshouldthepoorsouldo？
[HE。]Hecannoteatandhecannotsleep—
（Hey，buthisfaceisasightfortosee！）
Dailyhegoesfortowail—fortoweep—
（Hey，buthe’swretchedasayouthcanbe！）
[SHE。]She’sverythinandshe’sverypale—
（Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！）
Dailyshegoesfortoweep—fortowail—
（Hey，butIthinkthatlittlemaidwilldie！）
[BOTH。]Nowtellmepray，andtellmetrue，Whatintheworldshouldthepoorsouldo？
[SHE。]IfIweretheyouthIshouldofferhermyname—
（Hey，butherfaceisasightfortosee！）
[HE。]IfIwerethemaidIshouldfanhishonestflame—
（Hey，buthe’sbashfulasayouthcanbe！）
[SHE。]IfIweretheyouthIshouldspeaktoherto—day—
（Hey，butshesickensasthedaysgoby！）
[HE。]IfIwerethemaidIshouldmeettheladhalfway—
（ForIreallydobelievethattimidyouthwilldie！）
[BOTH。]Ithankyoumuchforyourcounseltrue;
I’velearntwhatthatpoorsouloughttodo！
Ballad:TheMightyMustComemightyMust！
InevitableShall！
IntheeItrust。
Timeweavesmycoronal！
GomockingIs！
GodisappointingWas！
ThatIamthisYearethecursedcause！
YethumbleSecondshallbeFirst，Iween;
AnddeadandburiedbethecurstHasBeen！
OhweakMightBe！
OhMay，Might，Could，Would，Should！
HowpowerlessyeForevilorforgood！
IneverysenseYourmoodsIcheerlesscall，Whate’eryourtenseYeareImperfect，all！
YehavedeceivedthetrustI’veshownInye！
Away！TheMightyMustaloneShallbe！
Ballad:AMirageWereIthybride，ThenthewholeworldbesideWerenottoowideToholdmywealthoflove—
WereIthybride！
UponthybreastMylovingheadwouldrest，AsonhernestThetenderturtle—dove—
WereIthybride！
ThisheartofmineWouldbeoneheartwiththine，AndinthatshrineOurhappinesswoulddwell—
WereIthybride！
AndalldaylongOurlivesshouldbeasong:
Nogrief，nowrongShouldmakemyheartrebel—
WereIthybride！
Thesilveryflute，Themelancholylute，Werenight—owl’shootTomylow—whisperedcoo—
WereIthybride！
Theskylark’strillWerebutdiscordanceshrillTothesoftthrillOfwooingasI’dwoo—
WereIthybride！
Therose’ssighWereasacarrion’scryTolullabySuchasI’dsingtothee—
WereIthybride！
Afeather’spressWereleadenheavinessTomycaress。
Butthen，unhappily，I’mnotthybride！
Ballad:TheGhosts’HighNoonWhenthenightwindhowlsinthechimneycowls，andthebatinthemoonlightflies，Andinkyclouds，likefuneralshrouds，sailoverthemidnightskies—
Whenthefootpadsquailatthenight—bird’swail，andblackdogsbaythemoon，Thenisthespectres’holiday—thenistheghosts’highnoon！
Asthesobofthebreezesweepsoverthetrees，andthemistslielowonthefen，Fromgreytombstonesaregatheredthebonesthatoncewerewomenandmen，Andawaytheygo，withamopandamow，totherevelthatendstoosoon，Forcockcrowlimitsourholiday—thedeadofthenight’shighnoon！
Andtheneachghostwithhisladye—toasttotheirchurchyardbedstakeflight，Withakiss，perhaps，onherlanternchaps，andagrislygrim\"goodnight\";
Tillthewelcomeknellofthemidnightbellringsforthitsjolliesttune，Andushersournexthighholiday—thedeadofthenight’shighnoon！
Ballad:TheHumaneMikadoAmorehumaneMikadoneverDidinJapanexist;
Tonobodysecond，I’mcertainlyreckonedAtruephilanthropist。
ItismyveryhumaneendeavourTomake，tosomeextent，EachevilliverArunningriverOfharmlessmerriment。
MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime—
Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime—
Thepunishmentfitthecrime;
AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment—
Ofinnocentmerriment！
Allprosydullsocietysinners，Whochatterandbleatandbore，AresenttohearsermonsFrommysticalGermansWhopreachfromtentofour:
Theamateurtenor，whosevocalvillainiesAlldesiretoshirk，Shall，duringoff—hours，ExhibithispowersToMadameTussaud’swaxwork:
Theladywhodyesachemicalyellow，Orstainshergreyhairpuce，Orpinchesherfigger，IsblackedlikeaniggerWithpermanentwalnutjuice:
Theidiotwho，inrailwaycarriages，Scribblesonwindowpanes，WeonlysufferTorideonabufferInParliamentarytrains。
MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime—
Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime—
Thepunishmentfitthecrime;
AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment—
Ofinnocentmerriment！