第5章

TheadvertisingquackwhoweariesWithtalesofcountlesscures，Histeeth，I’veenacted，ShallallbeextractedByterrifiedamateurs:

Themusic—hallsingerattendsaseriesOfmassesandfuguesand\"ops\"

ByBach，interwovenWithSpohrandBeethoven，AtclassicalMondayPops:

ThebilliardsharpwhomanyonecatchesHisdoom’sextremelyhard—

He’smadetodwellInadungeoncellOnaspotthat’salwaysbarred;

AndthereheplaysextravagantmatchesInfitlessfinger—stalls，OnaclothuntrueWithatwistedcue，Andellipticalbilliardballs！

MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime—

Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime—

Thepunishmentfitthecrime;

AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment，Ofinnocentmerriment！

Ballad:WillowWaly！

[HE。]PRITHEE，prettymaiden—prithee，tellmetrue（Hey，butI’mdoleful，willow，willowwaly！）

Haveyoue’eralovera—danglingafteryou？

Hey，willowwalyO！

IwouldfaindiscoverIfyouhavealover？

Hey，willowwalyO！

[SHE。]Gentlesir，myheartisfrolicsomeandfree—

（Hey，buthe’sdoleful，willow，willowwaly！）

NobodyIcareforcomesa—courtingme—

Hey，willowwalyO！

NobodyIcareforComesa—courting—therefore，Hey，willowwalyO！

[HE。]Prithee，prettymaiden，willyoumarryme？

（Hey，butI’mhopeful，willow，willowwaly！）

Imaysay，atonce，I’mamanofpropertee—

Hey，willowwalyO！

Money，Idespiseit，Butmanypeopleprizeit，Hey，willowwalyO！

[SHE。]Gentlesir，althoughtomarryIdesign—

（Hey，buthe’shopeful，willow，willowwaly！）

AsyetIdonotknowyou，andsoImustdecline。

Hey，willowwalyO！

Toothermaidensgoyou—

AsyetIdonotknowyou，Hey，willowwalyO！

Ballad:LifeIsLovelyAllTheYearWhenthebudsareblossoming，Smilingwelcometothespring，Loverschooseaweddingday—

LifeisloveinmerryMay！

Springisgreen—Fallalla！

Summer’srose—Fallalla！

ItissadwhenSummergoes，Falla！

Autumn’sgold—Fallalla！

Winter’sgrey—Fallalla！

Winterstillisfaraway—

Falla！

LeavesinAutumnfadeandfall;

Winteristheendofall。

Springandsummerteemwithglee:

Springandsummer，then，forme！

Falla！

IntheSpring—timeseedissown:

IntheSummergrassismown:

IntheAutumnyoumayreap:

Winteristhetimeforsleep。

Springishope—Fallalla！

Summer’sjoy—Fallalla！

SpringandSummernevercloy，Falla！

Autumn，toil—Fallalla！

Winter，rest—Fallalla！

Winter，afterall，isbest—

Falla！

Springandsummerpleasureyou，Autumn，ay，andwinter，too—

Everyseasonhasitscheer;

Lifeislovelyalltheyear！

Falla！

Ballad:TheUsher’sChargeNow，Jurymen，hearmyadvice—

AllkindsofvulgarprejudiceIprayyousetaside:

Withsternjudicialframeofmind—

Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！

Oh，listentotheplaintiff’scase:

Observethefeaturesofherface—

Thebroken—heartedbride！

Condolewithherdistressofmind—

Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！

Andwhenamidtheplaintiff’sshrieks，Theruffianlydefendantspeaks—

Upontheotherside;

WhatHEmaysayyouneednotmind—

Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！

Ballad:TheGreatOakTreeTheregrewalittleflower’Neathagreatoaktree:

Whenthetempest’gantolowerLittleheededshe:

Noneedhadshetocower，Forshedreadednotitspower—

ShewashappyinthebowerOfhergreatoaktree！

Singhey，Lackaday！

LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！

Whenshefoundthathewasfickle，Wasthatgreatoaktree，Shewasinaprettypickle，Asshewellmightbe—

Buthisgallantriesweremickle，ForDeathfollowedwithhissickle，AndhertearsbegantotrickleForhergreatoaktree！

Singhey，Lackaday！

LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！

Saidshe，\"Helovedmenever，Didthatgreatoaktree，ButI’mneitherrichnorclever，Andsowhyshouldhe？

Butthoughfateourfortunessever，TobeconstantI’llendeavour，Ay，foreverandforever，Tomygreatoaktree！\"

Singhey，Lackaday！

LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！

Ballad:KingGoodheartTherelivedaKing，asI’vebeentoldInthewonder—workingdaysofold，Whenheartsweretwiceasgoodasgold，Andtwentytimesasmellow。

Goodtempertriumphedinhisface，AndinhishearthefoundaplaceForalltheerringhumanraceAndeverywretchedfellow。

WhenhehadRhenishwinetodrinkItmadehimverysadtothinkThatsome，atjunketoratjink，Mustbecontentwithtoddy:

Hewishedallmenasrichashe（Andhewasrichasrichcouldbe），SotothetopofeverytreePromotedeverybody。

Ambassadorscroppeduplikehay，PrimeMinistersandsuchastheyGrewlikeasparagusinMay，AndDukeswerethreeapenny:

LordChancellorswerecheapassprats，AndBishopsintheirshovelhatsWereplentifulastabbycats—

Ifpossible，toomany。

OneverysideField—Marshalsgleamed，SmallbeerwereLords—Lieutenantsdeemed，WithAdmiralstheoceanteemed，Allroundhiswidedominions;

AndPartyLeadersyoumightmeetIntwosandthreesineverystreetMaintaining，withnolittleheat，Theirvariousopinions。

ThatKing，althoughnoonedenies，Hisheartwasofabnormalsize，Yethe’dhaveactedotherwiseIfhehadbeenacuter。

Theendiseasilyforetold，WheneveryblessedthingyouholdIsmadeofsilver，orofgold，Youlongforsimplepewter。

WhenyouhavenothingelsetowearButclothofgoldandsatinsrare，Forclothofgoldyouceasetocare—

Upgoesthepriceofshoddy:

Inshort，whoeveryoumaybe，Tothisconclusionyou’llagree，Wheneveryoneissomebody，Thennoone’sanybody！

Ballad:SleepOn！

Fearnounlicensedentry，Heednobombastictalk，WhileguardstheBritishSentryPallMallandBirdcageWalk。

LetEuropeanthundersOccasionnoalarms，ThoughdiplomaticblundersMaycauseacry\"Toarms！\"

Sleepon，yepalecivilians;

Allthunder—cloudsdefy:

OnEurope’scountlessmillionsTheSentrykeepshiseye！

Shouldforeign—bornrapscallionsInLondondaretoshowTheirovergrownbattalions，BesureI’llletyouknow。

ShouldRussiansorNorwegiansPolluteourfavouredclimeWithroughbarbariclegions，I’llmentionitintime。

Sosleepinpeace，civilians，TheContinentdefy;

WhileonitscountlessmillionsTheSentrykeepshiseye！

Ballad:TheLove—SickBoyWhenfirstmyold，oldloveIknew，Mybosomwelledwithjoy;

MyrichesatherfeetIthrew;

Iwasalove—sickboy！

NotermsseemedtooextravagantUponhertoemploy—

Iusedtomope，andsigh，andpant，Justlikealove—sickboy！

Butjoyincessantpallsthesense;

Andloveunchangedwillcloy，AndshebecameaboreintenseUntoherlove—sickboy？

Withfitfulglimmerburntmyflame，AndIgrewcoldandcoy，Atlast，onemorning，IbecameAnother’slove—sickboy！

Ballad:PoetryEverywhereWhattimethepoethathhymnedThewrithingmaid，lithe—limbed，Quiveringonamaranthineasphodel，Howcanhepaintherwoes，Knowing，aswellheknows，Thatallcanbesetrightwithcalomel？

Whenfromthepoet’splinthTheamorouscolocynthYearnsforthealoe，faintwithrapturousthrills，HowcanhehymntheirthroesKnowing，aswellheknows，Thattheyareonlyuncompoundedpills？

Isit，andcanitbe，Naturehaththisdecree，Nothingpoeticintheworldshalldwell？

OrthatinallherworksSomethingpoeticlurks，Evenincolocynthandcalomel？

Ballad:HeLoves！

Heloves！IfinthebygoneyearsThineeyeshaveevershedTears—bitter，unavailingtears，Foroneuntimelydead—

IfintheeventideoflifeSadthoughtsofherarise，ThenletthememoryofthywifePleadformyboy—hedies！

Hedies！IffondlylaidasideInsomeoldcabinet，Memorialsofthylong—deadbrideLie，dearlytreasuredyet，Thenletherhallowedbridaldress—

Herlittledaintygloves—

Herwitheredflowers—herfadedtress—

Pleadformyboy—heloves！

Ballad:TrueDiffidenceMyboy，youmaytakeitfromme，ThatofalltheafflictionsaccurstWithwhichaman’ssaddledAndhamperedandaddled，Adiffidentnature’stheworst。

Thoughcleverasclevercanbe—

ACrichtonofearlyromance—

Youmuststiritandstumpit，Andblowyourowntrumpet，Or，trustme，youhaven’tachance。

Nowtake，forexample，MYcase:

I’veabrightintellectualbrain—

InallLondoncityThere’snoonesowitty—

I’vethoughtsoagainandagain。

I’veahighlyintelligentface—

Myfeaturescannotbedenied—

But，whateverItry，sir，Ifailin—andwhy，sir？

I’mmodestypersonified！

Asapoet，I’mtenderandquaint—

I’vepassionandfervourandgrace—

FromOvidandHoraceToSwinburneandMorris，Theyallofthemtakeabackplace。

ThenIsingandIplayandIpaint;

ThoughnoneareaccomplishedasI，Tosaysoweretreason:

Youaskmethereason？

I’mdiffident，modest，andshy！

Ballad:TheTangledSkeinTrywelife—long，wecanneverStraightenoutlife’stangledskein，Whyshouldwe，invainendeavour，Guessandguessandguessagain？

Life’sapuddingfullofplumsCare’sacankerthatbenumbs。

WhereforewasteourelocutionOnimpossiblesolution？

Life’sapleasantinstitution，Letustakeitasitcomes！

Setasidethedullenigma，Weshallguessitalltoosoon;

Failurebringsnokindofstigma—

Dancewetoanothertune！

Stringthelyreandfillthecup，Lestonsorrowweshouldsup;

HopandskiptoFancy’sfiddle，Handsacrossanddownthemiddle—

Life’sperhapstheonlyriddleThatweshrinkfromgivingup！

Ballad:MyLadyBedeckedinfashiontrim，Witheverycurla—quiver;

Orleaping，lightoflimb，O’errivuletandriver;

Orskippingo’ertheleaOndaffodilanddaisy;

Orstretchedbeneathatree，Alllanguishingandlazy;

Whateverbehermood—

BeshedemurelyprudeOrlanguishinglylazy—

Myladydrivesmecrazy！

Invainherheartiswooed，Whateverbehermood！

WhatprofitshouldIgainSupposeshelovedmedearly？

HercoldnessturnsmybrainToVERGEofmadnessmerely。

Herkiss—though，Heavenknows，Todreamofitweretreason—

Wouldtend，asIsuppose，Toutterlossofreason！

Mystateisnotamiss;

IwouldnothaveakissWhich，inoroutofseason，Mighttendtolossofreason:

Whatprofitinsuchbliss？

Afigforsuchakiss！

Ballad:OneAgainstTheWorldIt’smyopinion—thoughIownInthinkingsoI’mquitealone—

InsomerespectsI’mbutafright。

YOUlikemyfeatures，Isuppose？

I’Mdisappointedwithmynose:

Someraveaboutit—perhapsthey’reright。

Myfigurejustsetsoffafit;

Butwhentheysayit’sexquisite（AndtheyDOsayso），that’stoostrong。

IhopeI’mnotwhatpeoplecallOpinionated！Afterall，I’mbutagoose，andmaybewrong！

WhencharmsenthralThere’ssomeexcuseFormeasuresstrong;

AndafterallI’mbutagoose，Andmaybewrong！

Myteethareveryneat，nodoubt;

ButafteralltheyMAYfallout:

Ithinktheywill—somethinktheywon’t。

Myhandsaresmall，asyoumaysee，Butnotassmallastheymightbe，Atleast，Ithinkso—othersdon’t。

Butthere，agirlmaypreachandprateFrommorningsixtoeveningeight，Andneverstoptodine，Whenalltheworld，althoughmisled，Isquiteagreedonanyhead—

Anditisquiteagreedonmine！

Allsaidanddone，It’slittleI

Againstathrong。

I’monlyone，AndpossiblyImaybewrong！

Ballad:PutAPennyInTheSlotIfmyaction’sstiffandcrude，Donotlaugh，becauseit’srude。

Ifmygesturespromiselarks，Donotmakeunkindremarks。

ClockworkfiguresmaybefoundEverywhereandallaround。

Tentoone，ifIbutknew，Youareclockworkfigurestoo。

Andthemottoofthelot，\"Putapennyintheslot！\"

Usurer，formoneylent，Makingouthiscentpercent—

Widowplumpormaidenrare，Deafanddumbtosuitor’sprayer—

Taxcollectors，whominvainYouimploreto\"callagain\"—

Cautiousvoter，whomyoufindSlowinmakinguphismind—

Ifyou’dmovethemonthespot，Putapennyintheslot！

Blandreportersinthecourts，Whosuppresspolicereports—

Sheriff’syeoman，peninfist，Makingoutajurylist—

Sternpolicemen，tallandspare，Actingall\"uponthesquare\"—

（Whichinwordsthatplainerfall，Meansthatyoucansquarethemall）—

Ifyouwanttomovethelot，Putapennyintheslot！

Ballad:GoodLittleGirlsAlthoughofnativemaidsthecream，We’rebroughtupontheEnglishscheme—

ThebestofallForgreatandsmallWhomodestyadore。

ForEnglishgirlsaregoodasgold，Extremelymodest（sowe’retold），Demurelycoy—divinelycold—

Andwearethat—andmore。

Topleasepapa，whoarguesthus—

Allgirlsshouldmouldthemselvesonus，Becauseweare，Byfurlongsfar，Thebestofallthebunch;

WeshowourselvestoloudapplauseFromtentofourwithoutapause—

WhichisanawkwardtimebecauseItcutsintoourlunch。

Oh，maidsofhighandlowdegree，Whosesocialcodeisratherfree，PleaselookatusandyouwillseeWhatgoodyoungladiesoughttobe！

Andaswestand，likeclockworktoys，AlecturerpapaemploysTopuffandpraiseOurmodestwaysAndguilelesscharacter—

Ourwell—knownblush—ourdowncasteyes—

Ourfamouslookofmildsurprise（Whichcompetitionstilldefies）—

Ourcelebrated\"Sir！！！\"

ThenallthecrowdtakedownourlooksInpocketmemorandumbooks。

Todiagnose，OurmodestposeThekodaksdotheirbest:

IfevidenceyouwouldpossessOfwhatismaidenbashfulness，Youonlyneedabuttonpress—

AndWEdoalltherest。

Ballad:LifeFirstyou’reborn—andI’llbeboundyouFindadozenstrangersroundyou。

\"Hallo，\"criesthenew—bornbaby，\"Where’smyparents？whichmaytheybe？\"

Awkwardsilence—noreply—

Puzzledbabywonderswhy！

Fatherrises，bowspolitely—

Mothersmiles（butnottoobrightly）—

Doctormumbleslikeadumbthing—

Nurseisbusymixingsomething。—

EverysymptomtendstoshowYou’redecidedlyDETROP—

Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！he！ho！ho！

Time’steetotum，Ifyouspinit，GiveitsquotumOnceaminute:

I’llgobailYouhitthenail，AndifyoufailThedeuceisinit！

Yougrowup，andyoudiscoverWhatitistobealover。

Someyoungladyisselected—

Poor，perhaps，butwell—connected，Whomyouhail（forLoveisblindAstheQueenofFairy—kind。

Thoughshe’splain—perhapsunsightly，Makesherfaceup—lacestightly，InherformyourfancytracesAllthegiftsofallthegraces。

Rivalsnonethemaidenwoo，Soyoutakeherandshetakesyou！

Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！

Jokebeginning，Neverceases，TillyourinningTimereleases;

OnyourwayYoublindlystray，AnddaybydayThejokeincreases！

Tenyearslater—Timeprogresses—

Soursyourtemper—thinsyourtresses;

Fancy，then，herchainrelaxes;

Ratesarefactsandsoaretaxes。

FairyQueen’snolongeryoung—

FairyQueenhassuchatongue！

Twinshaveprobablyintruded—

Quiteunbidden—justasyoudid;

They’reasourceofcareandtrouble—

Justasyouwere—onlydouble。

Comesatlastthefinalstroke—

Timehashadhislittlejoke！

Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！

Dailydriven（Wifeasdrover）

Illyou’vethriven—

Ne’erinclover:

Lastly，whenThreescoreandten（Andnottillthen），Thejokeisover！

Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！

Then—andthenThejokeisover！

Ballad:LimitedLiabilitySomesevenmenformanAssociation（Ifpossible，allPeersandBaronets），TheystartoffwithapublicdeclarationTowhatextenttheymeantopaytheirdebts。

That’scalledtheirCapital:iftheyarewaryTheywillnotquoteitatasumimmense。

Thefigure’simmaterial—itmayvaryFromeighteenmilliondowntoeighteenpence。

Ishouldputitratherlow;

ThegoodsenseofdoingsoWillbeevidentatoncetoanydebtor。

Whenit’slefttoyoutosayWhatamountyoumeantopay，Why，theloweryoucanputitat，thebetter。

Theythenproceedtotradewithallwho’lltrust’em，Quiteirrespectiveoftheircapital（It’sshady，butit’ssanctifiedbycustom）;

Bank，Railway，Loan，orPanamaCanal。

Youcan’tembarkontradingtootremendous—

It’sstrictlyfair，andbasedoncommonsense—

Ifyousucceed，yourprofitsarestupendous—

Andifyoufail，popgoesyoureighteenpence。

Makethemoney—spinnerspin！

Foryouonlystandtowin，Andyou’llneverwithdishonestybetwitted。

Fornobodycanknow，Toamillionorso，Towhatextentyourcapital’scommitted！

Ifyoucometogrief，andcreditorsarecraving（FornothingthatisplannedbymortalheadIscertaininthisValeofSorrow—savingThatone’sLiabilityisLimited），—

Doyousupposethatsignifiesperdition？

Ifsoyou’rebutamonetarydunce—

YoumerelyfileaWinding—UpPetition，AndstartanotherCompanyatonce！

ThoughaRothschildyoumaybeInyourowncapacity，AsaCompanyyou’vecometouttersorrow—

ButtheLiquidatorssay，\"Nevermind—youneedn’tpay，\"

SoyoustartanotherCompanyto—morrow！

Ballad:AnglicisedUtopiaSocietyhasquiteforsakenallherwickedcourses，Whichemptiesourpolicecourts，andabolishesdivorces。

（DivorceisnearlyobsoleteinEngland。）

Notoleranceweshowtoundeservingrankandsplendour;

Forthehigherhispositionis，thegreatertheoffender。

（That’samaximthatisprevalentinEngland。）

NoPeeressatourDrawing—RoombeforethePresencepassesWhowouldn’tbeacceptedbythelower—middleclasses;

Eachshadydame，whateverbeherrank，isbowedoutneatly。

Inshort，thishappycountryhasbeenAnglicisedcompletely！

ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland;

Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！

Ourcitywehavebeautified—we’vedoneitwilly—nilly—

Andallthatisn’tBelgraveSquareisStrandandPiccadilly。

（Theyhaven’tanyslummeriesinEngland。）

Wehavesolvedthelabourquestionwithdiscriminationpolished，Sopovertyisobsoleteandhungerisabolished—

（TheyaregoingtoabolishitinEngland。）

TheChamberlainournativestagehaspurged，beyondaquestion，Of\"risky\"situationandindelicatesuggestion;

Nopieceistoleratedifit’scostumedindiscreetly—

Inshort，thishappycountryhasbeenAnglicisedcompletely！

ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland;

Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！

OurPeeragewe’veremodelledonanintellectualbasis，Whichcertainlyisroughonourhereditaryraces—

（TheyaregoingtoremodelitinEngland。）

TheBrewersandtheCottonLordsnolongerseekadmission，AndLiteraryMeritmeetswithproperrecognition—

（AsLiteraryMeritdoesinEngland！）

WhoknowsbutwemaycountamongourintellectualchickensLikethemanEarlofThackerayandp’rapsaDukeofDickens—

LordFildesandViscountMillais（whentheycome）we’llwelcomesweetly—

Andthen，thishappycountrywillbeAnglicisedcompletely！

ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland;

Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！

Ballad:AnEnglishGirlAwonderfuljoyoureyestobless，Inhermagnificentcomeliness，IsanEnglishgirlofelevenstonetwo，Andfivefootteninherdancingshoe！

Shefollowsthehounds，andonshepounds—

The\"field\"tailsoffandthemuffsdiminish—

Overthehedgesandbrooksshebounds—

Straightasacrow，fromfindtofinish。

Atcricket，herkinwillloseorwin—

Sheandhermaids，ongrassandclover，Elevenmaidsout—elevenmaidsin—

（Andperhapsanoccasional\"maidenover\"）。

Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！

Withaten—milespinshestretchesherlimbs，Shegolfs，shepunts，sherows，sheswims—

Sheplays，shesings，shedances，too，Fromtenoreleventillallisblue！

Atballordrum，tillsmallhourscome（Chaperon’sfanconcealsheryawning），She’llwaltzawaylikeateetotum，Andnevergohometilldaylight’sdawning。

Lawntennismayshareherfavoursfair—

Hereyesa—danceandhercheeksa—glowing—

Downcomesherhair，butwhatdoesshecare？

It’sallherownandit’sworththeshowing！

Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！

Hersoulissweetastheoceanair，Forpruderyknowsnohaventhere;

Tofindmock—modesty，pleaseapplyTotheconsciousblushandthedowncasteye。

Richinthethingscontentmentbrings，Ineverypureenjoymentwealthy，Blitheasabeautifulbirdshesings，Forbodyandmindarehaleandhealthy。

Hereyestheythrillwithrightgoodwill—

Herheartislightasafloatingfeather—

AspureandbrightasthemountainrillThatleapsandlaughsintheHighlandheather！

Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！

Ballad:AManager’sPerplexitiesWereIakinginverytruth，Andhadason—aguilelessyouth—

Inprobablesuccession;