Buttheyaregenerallyonlyvillainsorlordsthatdescendtothissortofthing。Respectablestagefolkneverofferanythinglessthanapurse。
Therecipientisverygratefulonreceivingthepurse（heneverlooksinside）andthinksthatHeavenoughttorewardthedonor。TheygetalotofworkoutofHeavenonthestage。Heavendoesalltheoddjobsforthemthattheydon’twanttogotothetroubleandexpenseofdoingforthemselves。Heaven’schiefdutyonthestageistoseetotherepaymentofallthosesumsofmoneythataregivenorlenttothegoodpeople。Itisgenerallyrequestedtodothistothetuneofa\"thousand—fold\"——anexorbitantratewhenyoucometothinkofit。
Heavenisalsoexpectedtotakecarethatthevillaingetsproperlycursed，andtofillupitssparetimebybringingmisfortuneuponthelocallandlord。Ithastoavengeeverybodyandtohelpallthegoodpeoplewhenevertheyareintrouble。Andtheykeepitgoinginthisdirection。
AndwhentheheroleavesforprisonHeavenhastotakecareofhiswifeandchildtillhecomesout;andifthisisn’tahandfulforit，wedon’tknowwhatwouldbe！
Heavenonthestageisalwaysonthesideoftheheroandheroineandagainstthepolice。
Occasionally，oflateyears，thecomicmanhasbeenabadman，butyoucan’thatehimforit。Whatifhedoesruintheheroandrobtheheroineandhelptomurderthegoodoldman？Hedoesitallinsuchagenial，light—heartedspiritthatitisnotinone’shearttofeelangrywithhim。Itisthewayinwhichathingisdonethatmakesallthedifference。
Besides，hecanalwaysroundonhispal，theseriousvillain，attheend，andthatmakesitallright。
Thecomicmanisnotasportsman。Ifhegoesoutshooting，weknowthatwhenhereturnsweshallhearthathehasshotthedog。Ifhetakeshisgirloutontheriverheupsetsher（literallywemean）。
Thecomicmannevergoesoutforaday’spleasurewithoutcominghomeawreck。
Ifhemerelygoestoteawithhisgirlathermother’s，heswallowsamuffinandchokeshimself。
Thecomicmanisnothappyinhismarriedlife，nordoesitseemtousthathegoestherightwaytobeso。Hecallshiswife\"hisoldDutchclock，\"\"theoldgeyser，\"andsuchliketermsofendearment，andaddressesherwithsuchremarksas\"Ah，youoldcat，\"\"Youuglyoldnutmeggrater，\"\"Youorangamatang，you！\"etc。，etc。
Well，youknowthatisnotthewaytomakethingspleasantaboutahouse。
Still，withallhisfaultswelikethecomicman。Heisnotalwaysintroubleandhedoesnotmakelongspeeches。
Letusblesshim。
THELAWYER。
Heisveryold，andverylong，andverythin。Hehaswhitehair。Hedressesinthecostumeofthelastgenerationbutseven。Hehasbushyeyebrowsandiscleanshaven。Hischinitchesconsiderably，sothathehastobealwaysscratchingit。Hisfavoriteremarkis\"Ah！\"
Inreallifewehaveheardofyoungsolicitors，offoppishsolicitors，ofshortsolicitors;butonthestagetheyarealwaysverythinandveryold。Theyoungeststagesolicitorweeverremembertohaveseenlookedaboutsixty——theoldestaboutahundredandforty—five。
Bythebye，itisneververysafetojudgepeople’sagesonthestagebytheirpersonalappearance。Wehaveknownoldladieswholookedseventy，iftheywereaday，turnouttobethemothersofboysoffourteen，whilethemiddle—agedhusbandoftheyoungwifegenerallygivesonetheideaofninety。
Again，whatappearsatfirstsighttobeacomfortable—lookingandeminentlyrespectableelderlyladyisoftendiscoveredtobe，inreality，agiddy，girlish，andinexperiencedyoungthing，theprideofthevillageorthedarlingoftheregiment。
So，too，anexceptionallystoutandshort—windedoldgentleman，wholooksasifhehadbeenlivingtoowellandtakingtoolittleexerciseforthelastforty—fiveyears，isnottheheavyfather，asyoumightimagineifyoujudgedfrommereexternalevidence，butawild，recklessboy。
Youwouldnotthinksotolookathim，buthisonlyfaultsarethatheissoyoungandlight—headed。Thereisgoodinhim，however，andhewillnodoubtbesteadyenoughwhenhegrowsup。Alltheyoungmenoftheneighborhoodworshiphimandthegirlslovehim。
\"Herehecomes，\"theysay;\"dear，dearoldJack——Jack，thedarlingboy——theheadstrongyouth——Jack，theleaderofourjuvenilesports——Jack，whosechildishinnocencewinsallhearts。Threecheersfordancing，bright—eyedJack！\"
Ontheotherhand，ladieswiththecomplexionofeighteenare，youlearnasthestoryprogresses，quiteelderlywomen，themothersofmiddle—agedheroes。
Theexperiencedobserverofstage—landneverjumpstoconclusionsfromwhathesees。Hewaitstillheistoldthings。
Thestagelawyerneverhasanyofficeofhisown。Hetransactsallhisbusinessathisclients’houses。Hewilltravelhundredsofmilestotellthemthemosttrivialpieceoflegalinformation。
Itneveroccurstohimhowmuchsimpleritwouldbetowritealetter。
Theitemfor\"travelingexpenses\"inhisbillofcostsmustbesomethingenormous。
Therearetwomomentsinthecourseofhisclient’scareerthatthestagelawyerparticularlyenjoys。Thefirstiswhentheclientcomesunexpectedlyintoafortune;thesecondwhenheunexpectedlylosesit。
Intheformercase，uponlearningthegoodnewsthestagelawyeratonceleaveshisbusinessandhurriesofftotheotherendofthekingdomtobearthegladtidings。Hearrivesatthehumbledomicileofthebeneficiaryinquestion，sendsuphiscard，andisusheredintothefrontparlor。Heentersmysteriouslyandsitsleft——clientsitsright。Anordinary，commonlawyerwouldcometothepointatonce，statethematterinaplain，business—likeway，andtrustthathemighthavethepleasureofrepresenting，etc。，etc。;butsuchsimplemethodsarenotthoseofthestagelawyer。Helooksattheclientandsays:
\"Youhadafather。\"
Theclientstarts。Howonearthdidthiscalm，thin，keen—eyedoldmaninblackknowthathehadafather？Heshufflesandstammers，butthequiet，impenetrablelawyerfixeshiscold，glassyeyeonhim，andheishelpless。Subterfuge，hefeels，isuseless，andamazed，bewilderedattheknowledgeofhismostprivateaffairspossessedbyhisstrangevisitant，headmitsthefact:hehadafather。
Thelawyersmileswithaquietsmileoftriumphandscratcheshischin。
\"Youhadamother，too，ifIaminformedcorrectly，\"hecontinues。
Itisidleattemptingtoescapethisman’ssupernaturalacuteness，andtheclientownsuptohavinghadamotheralso。
Fromthisthelawyergoesontocommunicatetotheclient，asagreatsecret，thewholeofhis（theclient’s）historyfromhiscradleupward，andalsothehistoryofhisnearerrelatives，andinlessthanhalfanhourfromtheoldman’sentrance，orsayfortyminutesattheoutside，theclientalmostknowswhatthebusinessisabout。
Ontheotheroccasion，whentheclienthaslosthisfortune，thestagelawyerisevenstillhappier。Hecomesdownhimselftotellthemisfortune（hewouldnotmissthejobforworlds），andhetakescaretochoosethemostunpropitiousmomentpossibleforbreakingthenews。
Ontheeldestdaughter’sbirthday，whenthereisabigpartyon，ishisfavoritetime。Hecomesinaboutmidnightandtellsthemjustastheyaregoingdowntosupper。
Hehasnoideaofbusinesshours，hasthestagelawyer——tomakethethingasunpleasantaspossibleseemstobehisonlyanxiety。
Ifhecannotworkitforabirthday，thenhewaitstillthere’saweddingon，andgetsupearlyinthemorningonpurposetorundownandspoiltheshow。Toenteramongacrowdofhappy，joyousfellow—creaturesandleavethemutterlycrushedandmiserableisthestagelawyer’shobby。
Thestagelawyerisaverytalkativegentleman。Heregardsthetellingofhisclient’smostprivateaffairstoeverystrangerthathemeetsaspartofhisprofessionalduties。Agoodgossipwithafewchanceacquaintancesaboutthefamilysecretsofhisemployersisfoodanddrinkforthestagelawyer。
Theyallgoabouttellingtheirownandtheirfriends’secretstoperfectstrangersonthestage。Whenevertwopeoplehavefiveminutestospareonthestagetheytelleachotherthestoryoftheirlives。
\"SitdownandIwilltellyouthestoryofmylife\"isthestageequivalentforthe\"Comeandhaveadrink\"oftheoutsideworld。
Thegoodstagelawyerhasgenerallynursedtheheroineonhiskneewhenababy（whenshewasababy，wemean）——whenshewasonlysohigh。
Itseemstohavebeenapartofhisprofessionalduties。Thegoodstagelawyeralsokissesalltheprettygirlsintheplayandisexpectedtochuckthehousemaidunderthechin。Itisgoodtobeagoodstagelawyer。
Thegoodstagelawyeralsowipesawayatearwhensadthingshappen;
andheturnsawaytodothisandblowshisnose，andsayshethinkshehasaflyinhiseye。Thistouchingtraitinhischaracterisalwaysheldingreatesteembytheaudienceandismuchapplauded。
Thegoodstagelawyerisneverbyanychanceamarriedman。（Fewgoodmenare，sowegatherfromourmarriedladyfriends。）Helovedinearlylifetheheroine’smother。That\"saintedwoman\"（tearandnosebusiness）diedandisnowamongtheangels——thegentlemanwhodidmarryher，bythebye，isnotquitesosureaboutthislatterpoint，butthelawyerisfixedontheidea。
Instageliteratureofafrivolousnaturethelawyerisaverydifferentindividual。Incomedyheisyoung，hepossesseschambers，andheismarried（thereisnodoubtaboutthislatterfact）;andhiswifeandhismother—in—lawspendmostofthedayinhisofficeandmakethedulloldplacequitelivelyforhim。
Heonlyhasoneclient。Sheisaniceladyandaffable，butherantecedentsaredoubtful，andsheseemstobenobetterthansheoughttobe——possiblyworse。Butanyhowsheisthesolebusinessthatthepoorfellowhas——is，infact，hisonlysourceofincome，andmight，onewouldthink，undersuchcircumstancesbeaccordedawelcomebyhisfamily。Buthiswifeandhismother—in—law，onthecontrary，takeaviolentdisliketoher，andthelawyerhastoputherinthecoal—scuttleorlockherupinthesafewheneverhehearseitherofthesefemalerelativesofhiscomingupthestairs。
Weshouldnotcaretobetheclientofafarcicalcomedystagelawyer。
Legaltransactionsaretryingtothenervesunderthemostfavorablecircumstances;conductedbyafarcicalstagelawyer，thebusinesswouldbetooexcitingforus。
THEADVENTURESS。
Shesitsonatableandsmokesacigarette。Acigaretteonthestageisalwaysthebadgeofinfamy。
Inreallifethecigaretteisusuallythehall—markoftheparticularlymildandharmlessindividual。ItisthedissipationoftheY。M。C。A。;theinnocentjoyofthepure—heartedboylongerethedemoralizinginfluenceofourvauntedcivilizationhasdraggedhimdownintothedepthsoftheshortclay。
Butbehindthecigaretteonthestagelurkseverblack—heartedvillainyandabandonedwomanhood。
Theadventuressisgenerallyofforeignextraction。TheydonotmakebadwomeninEngland——thearticleisentirelyofcontinentalmanufactureandhastobeimported。ShespeaksEnglishwithacharminglittleFrenchaccent，andshemakesupforthisbyspeakingFrenchwithagoodsoundEnglishone。
Sheseemsasmartbusinesswoman，andshewouldprobablygetonverywellifitwerenotforherfriendsandrelations。Friendsandrelationsareatryingclassofpeopleeveninreallife，asweallknow，butthefriendsandrelationsofthestageadventuressareaparticularlyirritatinglot。Theyneverleaveher;neverdoesshegetadayoranhourofffromthem。Wherevershegoes，therethewholetribegoeswithher。
Theyallgowithherinabodywhenshecallsonheryoungman，anditisasmuchasshecandotopersuadethemtogointothenextroomevenforfiveminutes，andgiveherachance。Whensheismarriedtheycomeandlivewithher。
Theyknowherdreadfulsecretanditkeepsthemincomfortforyears。
Knowingsomebody’ssecretseems，onthestage，tobeoneofthemostprofitableandleastexhaustingprofessionsgoing。
Sheisfondofmarriedlife，istheadventuress，andshegoesinforitprettyextensively。Shehashusbandsallovertheglobe，mostoftheminprison，buttheyescapeandturnupinthelastactandspoilallthepoorgirl’splans。Thatissolikehusbands——noconsideration，nothoughtfortheirpoorwives。Theyarenotaprepossessinglot，either，thoseearlyhusbandsofhers。Whatshecouldhaveseeninthemtoinducehertomarrythemisindeedamystery。
Theadventuressdressesmagnificently。Whereshegetsthemoneyfromwenevercouldunderstand，forsheandhercompanionsarealwaysmoreorlesscomplainingofbeing\"stonebroke。\"Dressmakersmustbeatrustingpeoplewhereshecomesfrom。
Theadventuressisliketheproverbialcatasregardsthenumberoflivessheispossessedof。Youneverknowwhensheisreallydead。
Mostpeopleliketodieonceandhavedonewithit，buttheadventuress，afteronceortwicetryingit，seemstogetquitetolikeit，andgoesongivingwaytoit，andthenitgrowsuponheruntilshecan’thelpherself，anditbecomesasortofcravingwithher。
Thishabitofhersis，however，averytryingoneforherfriendsandhusbands——itmakesthingssouncertain。Somethingoughttobedonetobreakherofit。Herhusbands，onhearingthatsheisdead，gointorapturesandrushoffandmarryotherpeople，andthenjustastheyarestartingoffontheirnewhoneymoonupshecropsagain，asfreshaspaint。Itisreallymostannoying。
Forourselves，werewethehusbandofastageadventuressweshouldnever，afterwhatwehaveseenofthespecies，feelquitejustifiedinbelievinghertobedeadunlesswehadkilledandburiedherourselves;andeventhenweshouldbemoreeasyinourmindsifwecouldarrangetositonhergraveforaweekorsoafterward。Thesewomenaresoartful！
Butitisnotonlytheadventuresswhowillpersistincomingtolifeagaineverytimesheisslaughtered。Theyalldoitonthestage。
Theyareallsounreliableinthisrespect。Itmustbemostdishearteningtothemurderers。
Andthen，again，itissomethingextraordinary，whenyoucometothinkofit，whatatremendousamountofkillingsomeofthemcanstandandstillcomeupsmilinginthenextact，notapennytheworseforit。
Theygetstabbed，andshot，andthrownoverprecipicesthousandsoffeethighand，blessyou，itdoesthemgood——itislikeatonictothem。
Asfortheyoungmanthatiscominghometoseehisgirl，yousimplycan’tkillhim。Achilleswasasummerrosecomparedwithhim。Natureandmankindhavenotsufficientmaterialsinhandasyettokillthatman。Sciencehasbutthestrengthofapulingbabeagainsthisinvulnerability。Youcanwasteyourtimeonearthquakesandshipwrecks，volcaniceruptions，floods，explosions，railwayaccidents，andsuchlikesortofthings，ifyouarefoolishenoughtodoso;butitisnogoodyourimaginingthatanythingofthekindcanhurthim，becauseitcan’t。
Therewillbethousandsofpeoplekilled，thousandsineachinstance，butonehumanbeingwillalwaysescape，andthatonehumanbeingwillbethestageyoungmanwhoiscominghometoseehisgirl。
Heisforeverbeingreportedasdead，butitalwaysturnsouttobeanotherfellowwhowaslikehimorwhohadonhis（theyoungman’s）
hat。Heisboundtobeoutofit，whoeverelsemaybein。
\"IfIhadbeenatmypostthatday，\"heexplainstohissobbingmother，\"Ishouldhavebeenblownup，buttheProvidencethatwatchesovergoodmenhadordainedthatIshouldbelayingblinddrunkinBlogg’ssaloonatthetimetheexplosiontookplace，andsotheotherengineer，whohadbeendoingmyworkwhenitwashisturntobeoff，waskilledalongwiththewholeofthecrew。\"
\"Ah，thankHeaven，thankHeavenforthat！\"ejaculatesthepiousoldlady，andthecomicmanissoovercomewithdevoutjoythathehastorelievehisoverstrainedheartbydrawinghisyoungwomanononesideandgrosslyinsultingher。
Allattemptstokillthisyoungmanoughtreallytobegivenupnow。
Thejobhasbeentriedoverandoveragainbyvillainsandbadpeopleofallkinds，butnoonehaseversucceeded。Therehasbeenanamountofenergyandingenuityexpendedinseekingtolayupthatonemanwhich，properlyutilized，mighthavefinishedofftenmillionordinarymortals。Itissadtothinkofsomuchwastedeffort。
He，theyoungmancominghometoseehisgirl，neednevertakeaninsuranceticketorevenbuya_TitBits_。Itwouldbeneedlessexpenditureinhiscase。
Ontheotherhand，andtomakemattersequal，asitwere，therearesomestagepeoplesodelicatethatitisnextdoortoimpossibletokeepthemalive。
Theinconvenienthusbandisamostpatheticexampleofthis。Medicalscienceispowerlesstosavethatmanwhenthelastactcomesround;
indeed，wedoubtwhethermedicalscience，initspresentstateofdevelopment，couldeventellwhatisthematterwithhimorwhyhediesatall。Helookshealthyandrobustenoughandnobodytoucheshim，yetdownhedrops，withoutawordofwarning，stone—dead，inthemiddleofthefloor——healwaysdiesinthemiddleofthefloor。Somefolksliketodieinbed，butstagepeopledon’t。Theyliketodieonthefloor。Weallhaveourdifferenttastes。
Theadventuressherselfisanotherpersonwhodieswithremarkableease。Wesupposeinhercaseitisbeingsousedtoitthatmakeshersoquickandcleveratit。Thereisnolingeringillnessanddoctors’
billsandupsettingofthewholehouseholdarrangementsabouthermethod。Onewalkroundthestageandthethingisdone。
Allbadcharactersdiequicklyonthestage。Goodcharacterstakealongtimeoverit，andhaveasofadowninthedrawing—roomtodoiton，andhavesobbingrelativesandgoodolddoctorsfoolingaroundthem，andcansmileandforgiveeverybody。Badstagecharactershavetodothewholejob，dyingspeechandall，inabouttenseconds，anddoitwithalltheirclothesonintothebargain，whichmustmakeitmostuncomfortable。
Itisrepentancethatkillsoffthebadpeopleinplays。Theyalwaysrepent，andthemomenttheyrepenttheydie。Repentanceonthestageseemstobeoneofthemostdangerousthingsamancanbetakenwith。