Ouradvicetostagewickedpeoplewouldundoubtedlybe，\"Neverrepent。
Ifyouvalueyourlife，don’trepent。Italwaysmeanssuddendeath！\"
Toreturntoouradventuress。Sheisbynomeansabadwoman。Thereismuchgoodinher。Thisismorethanprovedbythefactthatshelearnstolovetheherobeforeshedies;fornoonebutareallygoodwomancapableofextraordinarypatienceandgentlenesscouldever，weareconvinced，growtofeelanyothersentimentforthatirritatingass，thanadesiretothrowbricksathim。
Thestageadventuresswouldbeamuchbetterwoman，too，ifitwerenotfortheheroine。Theadventuressmakesthemostcompletearrangementsforbeingnobleandself—sacrificing——thatis，forgoingawayandnevercomingback，andisjustabouttocarrythemout，whentheheroine，whohasaperfectgeniusforbeinginthewrongplaceattherighttime，comesinandspoilsitall。Nostageadventuresscanbegoodwhiletheheroineisabout。Thesightoftheheroinerouseseverybadfeelinginherbreast。
Wecansympathizewithherinthisrespect。Theheroineoftenaffectsourselvesinpreciselythesameway。
Thereisagooddealtobesaidinfavoroftheadventuress。True，shepossessesrathertoomuchsarcasmandreparteetomakethingsquiteagreeableroundthedomestichearth，andwhenshehasgotallherclothesonthereisnotmuchroomleftintheplaceforanybodyelse;buttakenonthewholesheisdecidedlyattractive。Shehasgritandgoinher。Sheisalive。Shecandosomethingtohelpherselfbesidescallingfor\"George。\"
Shehasnotgotastagechild——ifsheeverhadone，shehasleftitonsomebodyelse’sdoorstepwhich，presumingtherewasnowaterhandytodrownitin，seemstobeaboutthemostsensiblethingshecouldhavedonewithit。Sheisnotoppressivelygood。
Sheneverwantstobe\"unhanded\"or\"lettopass。\"
Sheisnotalwaysbeingshockedorinsultedbypeopletellingherthattheyloveher;shedoesnotseemtominditiftheydo。Sheisnotalwaysfainting，andcrying，andsobbing，andwailing，andmoaning，likethegoodpeopleintheplayare。
Oh，theydohaveanunhappytimeofit——thegoodpeopleinplays！
Thensheistheonlypersoninthepiecewhocansitonthecomicman。
Wesometimesthinkitwouldbeafortunatething——forhim——iftheyallowedhertomarryandsettledownquietlywiththehero。Shemightmakeamanofhimintime。
THESERVANT—GIRL。
Therearetwotypesofservant—girltobemetwithonthestage。Thisisanunusualallowanceforoneprofession。
Thereisthelodging—houseslavey。Shehasagoodheartandasmuttyfaceandisalwaysdressedaccordingtothelatestfashioninscarecrows。Herleadingoccupationisthecleaningofboots。Shecleansbootsalloverthehouse，atallhoursoftheday。Shecomesandsitsdownonthehero’sbreakfast—tableandcleansthemoverthepoorfellow’sfood。Shecomesintothedrawing—roomcleaningboots。
Shehasherownmethodofcleaningthem，too。Sherubsoffthemud，putsontheblacking，andpolishesupallwiththesamebrush。Theytakeanenormousamountofpolishing。Sheseemstodonothingelsealldaylongbutwalkaboutshiningoneboot，andshebreathesonitandrubsittillyouwonderthereisanyleatherleft，yetitneverseemstogetanybrighter，nor，indeed，canyouexpectitto，forwhenyoulookcloseyouseeitisapatent—leatherbootthatshehasbeenthrowingherselfawayuponallthistime。
Somebodyhasbeenhavingalarkwiththepoorgirl。
Thelodging—houseslaveybrushesherhairwiththebootbrushandblackstheendofhernosewithit。
Wewereacquaintedwithalodging—houseslaveyonce——arealone，wemean。ShewasthehandmaidenatahouseinBloomsburywhereweoncehungout。Shewasuntidyinherdress，itistrue，butshehadnotquitethatcastawayandgone—to—sleep—in—a—dust—binappearancethatwe，anearneststudentofthedrama，feltsheoughttopresent，andwequestionedheronedayonthesubject。
\"Howisit，Sophronia，\"wesaid，\"thatyoudistantlyresembleahumanbeinginsteadofgivingonetheideaofananimatedrag—shop？Don’tyoueverpolishyournosewiththeblacking—brush，orrubcoalintoyourhead，orwashyourfaceintreacle，orputskewersintoyourhair，oranythingofthatsort，liketheydoonthestage？\"
Shesaid:\"Lordloveyou，whatshouldIwanttogoandbeaballyidiotlikethatfor？\"
Andwehavenotlikedtoputthequestionelsewheresincethen。
Theothertypeofservant—girlonthestage——thevillaservant—girl——isaverydifferentpersonage。Sheisafetchinglittlething，dressesbewitchingly，andisalwaysclean。Herdutiesaretodustthelegsofthechairsinthedrawing—room。Thatistheonlyworksheeverhastodo，butitmustbeconfessedshedoesthatthoroughly。Shenevercomesintotheroomwithoutdustingthelegsofthesechairs，andsheduststhemagainbeforeshegoesout。
Ifanythingoughttobefreefromdustinastagehouse，itshouldbethelegsofthedrawing—roomchairs。
Sheisgoingtomarrytheman—servant，isthestageservant—girl，assoonastheyhavesavedupsufficientoutoftheirwagestobuyahotel。Theythinktheywillliketokeepahotel。Theydon’tunderstandabitaboutthebusiness，whichwebelieveisacomplicatedone，butthisdoesnottroublethemintheleast。
Theyquarrelagooddealovertheirlove—making，dothestageservant—girlandheryoungman，andtheyalwayscomeintothedrawing—roomtodoit。Theyhavegotthekitchen，andthereisthegarden（withafountainandmountainsinthebackground——youcanseeitthroughthewindow），butno！noplaceinoraboutthehouseisgoodenoughforthemtoquarrelinexceptthedrawing—room。Theyquarreltheresovigorouslythatiteveninterfereswiththedustingofthechair—legs。
Sheoughtnottobelonginsavingupsufficienttomarryon，forthegenerosityofpeopleonthestagetotheservantstheremakesoneseriouslyconsidertheadvisabilityofignoringtheunremunerativeprofessionsofordinarylifeandstartinganewandmorepromisingcareerasastageservant。
Nooneeverdreamsoftippingthestageservantwithlessthanasovereignwhentheyaskherifhermistressisathomeorgiveheralettertopost，andthereisquitearushattheendofthepiecetostufffive—poundnotesintoherhand。Thegoodoldmangivesherten。
Thestageservantisveryimpudenttohermistress，andthemaster——hefallsinlovewithheranditdoesupsetthehouseso。
Sometimestheservant—girlisgoodandfaithful，andthensheisIrish。Allgoodservant—girlsonthestageareIrish。
Allthemalevisitorsareexpectedtokissthestageservant—girlwhentheycomeintothehouse，andtodigherintheribsandtosay:\"Doyouknow，Jane，Ithinkyou’reanuncommonlynicegirl——click。\"Theyalwayssaythis，andshelikesit。
Manyyearsago，whenwewereyoung，wethoughtwewouldseeifthingswerethesameoffthestage，andthenexttimewecalledatacertainfriend’shousewetriedthisbusinesson。
Shewasn’tquitesodazzlinglybeautifulastheyareonthestage，butwepassedthat。Sheshowedusupintothedrawing—room，andthensaidshewouldgoandtellhermistresswewerethere。
Wefeltthiswasthetimetobegin。Weskippedbetweenherandthedoor。Weheldourhatinfrontofus，cockedourheadononeside，andsaid:\"Don’tgo！don’tgo！\"
Thegirlseemedalarmed。Webegantogetalittlenervousourselves，butwehadbegunitandwemeanttogothroughwithit。
Wesaid，\"Doyouknow，Jane\"（hernamewasn’tJane，butthatwasn’tourfault），\"doyouknow，Jane，Ithinkyou’reanuncommonlynicegirl，\"andwesaid\"click，\"anddugherintheribswithourelbow，andthenchuckedherunderthechin。Thewholethingseemedtofallflat。Therewasnobodytheretolaughorapplaud。Wewishedwehadn’tdoneit。Itseemedstupidwhenyoucametothinkofit。Webegantofeelfrightened。Thebusinesswasn’tgoingasweexpected;
butwescrewedupourcourageandwenton。
Weputonthecustomaryexpressionofcomicimbecilityandbeckonedthegirltous。Wehaveneverseenthisfailonthestage。
Butthisgirlseemedmadewrong。Shegotbehindthesofaandscreamed\"Help！\"
Wehaveneverknownthemtodothisonthestage，anditthrewusoutinourplans。Wedidnotknowexactlywhattodo。Weregrettedthatwehadeverbegunthisjobandheartilywishedourselvesoutofit。
Butitappearedfoolishtopausethen，whenweweremorethanhalf—waythrough，andwemadearushtogetitover。
Wechivviedthegirlroundthesofaandcaughthernearthedoorandkissedher。Shescratchedourface，yelledpolice，murder，andfire，andfledfromtheroom。
Ourfriendcameinalmostimmediately。Hesaid:
\"Isay，J。，oldman，areyoudrunk？\"
Wetoldhimno，thatwewereonlyastudentofthedrama。Hiswifethenenteredinatoweringpassion。Shedidn’taskusifweweredrunk。Shesaid:
\"Howdareyoucomehereinthisstate！\"
Weendeavoredunsuccessfullytoinducehertobelievethatweweresober，andweexplainedthatourcourseofconductwaswhatwasalwayspursuedonthestage。
Shesaidshedidn’tcarewhatwasdoneonthestage，itwasn’tgoingtobepursuedinherhouse;andthatifherhusband’sfriendscouldn’tbehaveasgentlementheyhadbetterstopaway。
ThefollowingmorningwereceivedaletterfromafirmofsolicitorsinLincoln’sInnwithreference，sotheyputit，tothebrutalandunprovokedassaultcommittedbyusonthepreviousafternoonuponthepersonoftheirclient，MissMatildaHemmings。TheletterstatedthatwehadpunchedMissHemmingsintheside，struckherunderthechin，andafterward，seizingherasshewasleavingtheroom，proceededtocommitagrossassault，intotheparticularsofwhichitwasneedlessforthemtoenteratgreaterlength。
Itaddedthatifwewerepreparedtorenderanamplewrittenapologyandtopay50poundscompensation，theywouldadvisetheirclient，MissMatildaHemmings，toallowthemattertodrop;otherwisecriminalproceedingswouldatoncebecommencedagainstus。
Wetookthelettertoourownsolicitorsandexplainedthecircumstancestothem。Theysaiditseemedtobeaverysadcase，butadvisedustopaythe50pounds，andweborrowedthemoneyanddidso。
Sincethenwehavelostfaith，somehow，intheBritishdramaasaguidetotheconductoflife。
THECHILD。
Itisniceandquietandittalksprettily。
Wehavecomeacrossrealinfantsnowandtheninthecourseofvisitstomarriedfriends;theyhavebeenbroughttousfromoutlyingpartsofthehouseandintroducedtousforouredification;andwehavefoundthemgrittyandsticky。Theirbootshaveusuallybeenmuddy，andtheyhavewipedthemupagainstournewtrousers。Andtheirhairhassuggestedtheideathattheyhavebeenstandingontheirheadsinthedust—bin。
Andtheyhavetalkedtous——butnotprettily，notatall——ratherrudeweshouldcallit。
Butthestagechildisverydifferent。Itiscleanandtidy。Youcantouchitanywhereandnothingcomesoff。Itsfaceglowswithsoapandwater。Fromtheappearanceofitshandsitisevidentthatmud—piesandtararejoysunknowntoit。Asforitshair，thereissomethinguncannyaboutitssmoothnessandrespectability。Evenitsboot—lacesaredoneup。
Wehaveneverseenanythinglikethestagechildoutsideatheaterexceptingone——thatwasonthepavementinfrontofatailor’sshopinTottenhamCourtRoad。Hestoodonabitofroundwood，anditwasfifteenandnine，hisstyle。
Wethoughtinourignorancepriortothisthattherecouldnotbeanythingintheworldlikethestagechild，butyouseeweweremistaken。
ThestagechildisaffectionatetoitsparentsanditsnurseandisrespectfulinitsdemeanortowardthosewhomProvidencehasplacedinauthorityoverit;andsofaritiscertainlymuchtobepreferredtotherealarticle。Itspeaksofitsmaleandfemaleprogenitorsas\"dear，dearpapa\"and\"dear，dearmamma，\"anditreferstoitsnurseas\"darlingnursey。\"Weareconnectedwithayouthfulchildourselves——arealone——anephew。Healludestohisfather（whenhisfatherisnotpresent）as\"theoldman，\"andalwayscallsthenurse\"oldnut—crackers。\"Whycannottheymakerealchildrenwhosay\"dear，dearmamma\"and\"dear，dearpapa？\"
Thestagechildismuchsuperiortotheliveinfantineveryway。Thestagechilddoesnotgorampagingaboutahouseandscreechingandyellingtillnobodyknowswhethertheyareontheirheadsortheirheels。
Astagechilddoesnotgetupatfiveo’clockinthemorningtopracticeplayingonapennywhistle。Astagechildneverwantsabicycleanddrivesyoumadaboutit。Astagechilddoesnotasktwentycomplicatedquestionsaminuteaboutthingsthatyoudon’tunderstand，andthenwindupbyaskingwhyyoudon’tseemtoknowanything，andwhywouldn’tanybodyteachyouanythingwhenyouwerealittleboy。
Thestagechilddoesnotwearaholeintheseatofitsknickerbockersandhavetohaveapatchletin。Thestagechildcomesdownstairsonitsfeet。
Thestagechildneverbringshomesixotherchildrentoplayathorsesinthefrontgarden，andthenwantstoknowiftheycanallcomeintotea。Thestagechildneverhasthewooping—cough，andthemeasles，andeveryotherdiseasethatitcanlayitshandson，andbelaidupwiththemoneaftertheotherandturnthehouseupsidedown。
Thestagechild’sdepartmentintheschemeoflifeistoharrowupitsmother’sfeelingsbyill—timedanduncalled—forquestionsaboutitsfather。Italwayswantstoknow，beforearoomfulofpeople，where\"dearpapa\"is，andwhyhehasleftdearmamma;when，asalltheguestsknow，thepoormanisdoinghistwoyears’hardorwaitingtobehanged。Itmakeseverybodysouncomfortable。
Itisalwaysharrowingupsomebody——thestagechild;itreallyoughtnottobeleftaboutasitis。Whenithasdoneupsettingitsmotheritfishesoutsomebroken—heartedmaid，whohasjustbeencruellyseveredforeverfromherlover，andasksherinahighfalsettovoicewhyshedoesn’tgetmarried，andprattlestoheraboutlove，anddomesticbliss，andyoungmen，andanyothersubjectitcanthinkofparticularlycalculatedtolaceratethepoorgirl’sheartuntilherbrainnearlygivesway。
Afterthatitrunsamuckupanddownthewholeplayandmakeseverybodysitupallround。Itaskseminentlyrespectableoldmaidsiftheywouldn’tliketohaveababy;anditwantstoknowwhybald—headedoldmenhaveleftoffwearinghair，andwhyotheroldgentlemenhaverednosesandiftheywerealwaysthatcolor。
Insomeplaysitsohappensthatthelesssaidabouttheoriginandsourceofthestagechildthebetter;andinsuchcasesnothingwillappearsoimportanttothatcontrarybratastoknow，inthemiddleofanevening—party，whoitsfatherwas！
Everybodylovesthestagechild。Theycatchitupintheirbosomseveryotherminuteandweepoverit。Theytakeitinturnstodothis。
Nobody——onthestage，wemean——everhasenoughofthestagechild。
Nobodyevertellsthestagechildto\"shutup\"orto\"getoutofthis。\"Nobodyeverclumpsthestagechildoverthehead。
Whentherealchildgoestothetheateritmustnoticethesethingsandwishitwereastagechild。
Thestagechildismuchadmiredbytheaudience。Itspathosmakesthemweep;itstragedythrillsthem;itsdeclamation——asforinstancewhenittakesthecenterofthestageandsaysitwillkillthewickedman，andthepolice，andeverybodywhohurtsitsmar——stirsthemlikeatrumpetnote;anditslightcomedyisgenerallyheldtobethemosttrulyhumorousthinginthewholerangeofdramaticart。
Buttherearesomepeoplesostrangelyconstitutedthattheydonotappreciatethestagechild;theydonotcomprehenditsuses;theydonotunderstanditsbeauties。Weshouldnotbeangrywiththem。Weshouldtheratherpitythem。
Weourselveshadafriendoncewhosufferedfromthismisfortune。Hewasamarriedman，andProvidencehadbeenverygracious，verygoodtohim:hehadbeenblessedwithelevenchildren，andtheywereallgrowingupwellandstrong。