Theyareveryfaithful，arestagepeasants。Nojilting，nofickleness，nobreachofpromise。Ifthegentlemaninpinkwalksoutwiththeladyinblueinthefirstact，pinkandbluewillbemarriedintheend。Hestickstoherallthroughandshestickstohim。
Girlsinyellowmaycomeandgo，girlsingreenmaylaughanddance——thegentlemaninpinkheedsthemnot。Blueishiscolor，andheneverleavesit。Hestandsbesideit，hesitsbesideit。Hedrinkswithher，hesmileswithher，helaughswithher，hedanceswithher，hecomesonwithher，hegoesoffwithher。
Whenthetimecomesfortalkinghetalkstoherandonlyher，andshetalkstohimandonlyhim。Thusthereisnojealousy，noquarreling。
Butweshouldpreferanoccasionalchangeourselves。
Therearenomarriedpeopleinstagevillagesandnochildren（consequently，ofcourse—happyvillage！oh，todiscoveritandspendamonththere！）。Therearejustthesamenumberofmenastherearewomeninallstagevillages，andtheyareallaboutthesameageandeachyoungmanlovessomeyoungwoman。Buttheynevermarry。
Theytalkalotaboutit，buttheyneverdoit。Theartfulbeggars！
Theyseetoomuchwhatit’slikeamongtheprincipals。
Thestagepeasantisfondofdrinking，andwhenhedrinkshelikestoletyouknowheisdrinking。Noneofyourquiethalf—pintinsidethebarforhim。Helikestocomeoutinthestreetandsingaboutitanddotrickswithit，suchasturningittopsy—turvyoverhishead。
Notwithstandingallthisheismoderate，mindyou。Youcan’tsayhetakestoomuch。Onesmalljugofaleamongfortyishisusualallowance。
Hehasakeensenseofhumorandiseasilyamused。Thereissomethingalmostpatheticaboutthewayhegoesintoconvulsionsoflaughteroversuchverysmalljokes。Howamanlikethatwouldenjoyarealjoke！Onedayhewillperhapsheararealjoke。Whoknows？Itwill，however，probablykillhim。Onegrowstolovethestagepeasantafterawhile。Heissogood，sochild—like，sounworldly。Herealizesone’sidealofChristianity。
THEGOODOLDMAN。
Hehaslosthiswife。Butheknowswheresheis——amongtheangels！
Sheisn’tallgone，becausetheheroinehasherhair。\"Ah，you’vegotyourmother’shair，\"saysthegoodoldman，feelingthegirl’sheadalloverasshekneelsbesidehim。Thentheyallwipeawayatear。
Thepeopleonthestagethinkveryhighlyofthegoodoldman，buttheydon’tencouragehimmuchafterthefirstact。Hegenerallydiesinthefirstact。
Ifhedoesnotseemlikelytodietheymurderhim。
Heisamostunfortunateoldgentleman。Anythingheismixedupinseemsboundtogowrong。Ifheismanagerordirectorofabank，smashitgoesbeforeevenoneactisover。Hisparticularfirmisalwaysonthevergeofbankruptcy。Wehaveonlytobetoldthathehasputallhissavingsintoacompany——nomatterhowsoundandpromisinganaffairitmayalwayshavebeenandmaystillseem——toknowthatthatcompanyisa\"goner。\"
Nopoweronearthcansaveitafteroncethegoodoldmanhasbecomeashareholder。
Ifwelivedinstage—landandwereaskedtojoinanyfinancialscheme，ourfirstquestionwouldbe:
\"Isthegoodoldmaninit？\"Ifso，thatwoulddecideus。
Whenthegoodoldmanisatrusteeforanyonehecanbattleagainstadversitymuchlonger。Heisapluckyoldfellow，andwhilethattrustmoneylastshekeepsabraveheartandfightsonboldly。Itisnotuntilhehasspentthelastpennyofitthathegivesway。
Itthenflashesacrosstheoldman’smindthathismotivesforhavinglivedinluxuryuponthattrustmoneyforyearsmaypossiblybemisunderstood。Theworld——thehollow，heartlessworld——willcallitaswindleandregardhimgenerallyasapreciousoldfraud。
Thisideaquitetroublesthegoodoldman。
Buttheworldreallyoughtnottoblamehim。Noone，wearesure，couldbemorereadyandwillingtomakeamends（whenfoundout）;andtoputmattersrighthewillcheerfullysacrificehisdaughter’shappinessandmarryhertothevillain。
Thevillain，bytheway，hasneverapennytoblesshimselfwith，andcannotevenpayhisowndebts，letalonehelpinganybodyelseoutofascrape。Butthegoodoldmandoesnotthinkofthis。
Ourownpersonaltheory，baseduponacarefulcomparisonofsimilarities，isthatthegoodoldmanisinrealitythestageherogrownold。Thereissomethingaboutthegoodoldman’schuckle—headedsimplicity，abouthishelplessimbecility，andhisirritatingdamtomfoolishnessthatisstrangelysuggestiveofthehero。
Heisjustthesortofoldmanthatweshouldimaginetheherowoulddevelopinto。
Wemay，ofcourse，bewrong;butthatisouridea。
THEIRISHMAN。
Hesays\"Shure\"and\"Bedad\"andinmomentsofexultation\"Beghorra。\"
ThatisalltheIrishheknows。
Heisverypoor，butscrupulouslyhonest。Hisgreatambitionistopayhisrent，andheisdevotedtohislandlord。
Heisalwayscheerfulandalwaysgood。WeneverknewabadIrishmanonthestage。SometimesastageIrishmanseemstobeabadman——suchasthe\"agent\"orthe\"informer\"——butinthesecasesitinvariablyturnsoutintheendthatthismanwasallalongaScotchman，andthuswhathadbeenamysterybecomesclearandexplicable。
ThestageIrishmanisalwaysdoingthemostwonderfulthingsimaginable。Wedonotseehimdothosewonderfulthings。Hedoesthemwhennobodyisbyandtellsusallaboutthemafterward:thatishowweknowofthem。
Werememberononeoccasion，whenwewereyoungandsomewhatinexperienced，plankingourmoneydownandgoingintoatheatersolelyandpurposelytoseethestageIrishmandothethingshewasdepictedasdoingonthepostersoutside。
Theywerereallymarvelous，thethingshedidonthatposter。
Intheright—handuppercornerheappearedrunningacrosscountryonallfours，witharedherringstickingoutfromhiscoat—tails，whilefarbehindcamehoundsandhorsemenhuntinghim。Buttheirchanceofevercatchinghimupwasclearlyhopeless。
Tothelefthewasrepresentedasrunningawayoveroneofthewildestandmostruggedbitsoflandscapewehaveeverseenwithaverybigmanonhisback。Sixpolicemenstoodscatteredaboutamilebehindhim。Theyhadevidentlybeenrunningafterhim，buthadatlastgivenupthepursuitasuseless。
Inthecenteroftheposterhewashavingafriendlyfightwithseventeenladiesandgentlemen。Judgingfromthecostumes，theaffairappearedtobeawedding。Afewoftheguestshadalreadybeenkilledandlaydeadaboutthefloor。Thesurvivors，however，wereenjoyingthemselvesimmensely，andofallthatgaygrouphewasthegayest。
Atthemomentchosenbytheartist，hehadjustsucceededincrackingthebridegroom’sskull。
\"Wemustseethis，\"saidwetoourselves。\"Thisisgood。\"Andwehadabob’sworth。
Buthedidnotdoanyofthethingsthatwehavementioned，afterall——atleast，wemeanwedidnotseehimdoanyofthem。Itseemshedidthem\"off，\"andthencameonandtoldhismotherallaboutitafterward。
Hetolditverywell，butsomehoworotherweweredisappointed。Wehadsoreckonedonthatfight。
Bythebye，wehavenoticed，evenamongthecharactersofreallife，atendencytoperformmostoftheirwonderfulfeats\"off。\"
Ithasbeenourprivilegesincethentogazeuponmanypostersonwhichhavebeendelineatedstrangeandmovingstageevents。
Wehaveseentheheroholdingthevillainuphighabovehishead，andthrowinghimaboutthatcarelesslythatwehavefeltafraidhewouldbreaksomethingwithhim。
Wehaveseenaheroineleapingfromtheroofofahouseononesideofthestreetandbeingcaughtbythecomicmanstandingontheroofofahouseontheothersideofthestreetandthinkingnothingofit。
Wehaveseenrailwaytrainsrushingintoeachotherattherateofsixtymilesanhour。Wehaveseenhousesblownupbydynamitetwohundredfeetintotheair。WehaveseenthedefeatoftheSpanishArmada，thedestructionofPompeii，andthereturnoftheBritisharmyfromEgyptinone\"set\"each。
Suchincidentsasearthquakes，wrecksinmid—ocean，revolutionsandbattleswetakenonoteof，theybeingcommonplaceandordinary。
Butwedonotgoinsidetoseethesethingsnow。Wehavetwolooksattheposterinstead;itismoresatisfying。
TheIrishman，toreturntoourfriend，isveryfondofwhisky——thestageIrishman，wemean。Whiskyisforeverinhisthoughts——andofteninotherplacesbelongingtohim，besides。
ThefashionindressamongstageIrishmenisratherpicturesquethanneat。TailorsmusthaveahardtimeofitinstageIreland。
ThestageIrishmanhasalsoanoriginaltasteinhats。Healwayswearsahatwithoutacrown;whethertokeephisheadcoolorwithanypoliticalsignificancewecannotsay。
THEDETECTIVE。
Ah！heisacuteone，heis。Possiblyinreallifehewouldnotbedeemedanythingextraordinary，butbycontrastwiththeaverageofstagemenandwomen，anyonewhoisnotabornfoolnaturallyappearssomewhatMachiavellian。
Heistheonlymanintheplaywhodoesnotswallowallthevillaintellshimandbelieveit，andcomeupwithhismouthopenformore。
Heistheonlymanwhocanseethroughthedisguiseofanovercoatandanewhat。
Thereissomethingverywonderfulaboutthedisguisingpowerofcloaksandhatsuponthestage。Thiscomesfromthehabitpeopleonthestagehaveofrecognizingtheirfriends，notbytheirfacesandvoices，butbytheircloaksandhats。
Amarriedmanonthestageknowshiswife，becauseheknowsshewearsablueulsterandaredbonnet。Themomentsheleavesoffthatblueulsterandredbonnetheislostanddoesnotknowwheresheis。
Sheputsonayellowcloakandagreenhat，andcominginatanotherdoorsayssheisaladyfromthecountry，anddoeshewantahousekeeper？
Havinglosthisbelovedwife，andfeelingthatthereisnoonenowtokeepthechildrenquiet，heengagesher。Shepuzzleshimagooddeal，thisnewhousekeeper。ThereissomethingaboutherthatstrangelyremindshimofhisdarlingNell——maybeherbootsanddress，whichshehasnothadtimetochange。
Sadlytheslowactspassawayuntiloneday，asitisgettingnearclosing—time，sheputsontheblueulsterandtheredbonnetagainandcomesinattheoldoriginaldoor。
Thenherecognizesherandasksherwhereshehasbeenallthesecruelyears。
Eventhebadpeople，whoasaruledopossessalittlesense——indeed，theyaretheonlypersonsintheplaywhoeverpretendtoany——aredeceivedbysingularlythindisguises。
Thedetectivecomesintotheirsecretcouncils，withhishatdrawndownoverhiseyes，andfollowedbytheherospeakinginasqueakyvoice;andthevillainsmistakethemformembersofthebandandtellthemalltheirplans。
Ifthevillainscan’tgetthemselvesfoundoutthatway，thentheygointoapublictea—gardenandrecounttheircrimestooneanotherinaloudtoneofvoice。
Theyevidentlythinkthatitisonlyfairtogivethedetectiveachance。
Thedetectivemustnotbeconfoundedwiththepoliceman。Thestagepolicemanisalwaysonthesideofthevillain;thedetectivebacksvirtue。
Thestagedetectiveis，infact，theearthlyagentofadiscerningandbenevolentProvidence。Hestandsbyandallowsvicetobetriumphantandthegoodpeopletobepersecutedforawhilewithoutinterference。
Thenwhenheconsidersthatwehaveallhadaboutenoughofit（towhichconclusion，bythebye，hearrivessomewhatlate）hecomesforward，handcuffsthebadpeople，sortsoutandgivesbacktothegoodpeoplealltheirvariousestatesandwives，promisesthechiefvillaintwentyyears’penalservitude，andallisjoy。
THESAILOR。
Hedoessuffersowithhistrousers。Hehastostopandpullthemupabouttwiceeveryminute。
Oneofthesedays，ifheisnotcareful，therewillbeanaccidenthappentothosetrousers。
Ifthestagesailorwillfollowouradvice，hewillbewarnedintimeandwillgetapairofbraces。
Sailorsinreallifedonothavenearlysomuchtroublewiththeirtrousersassailorsonthestagedo。Whyisthis？Wehaveseenagooddealofsailorsinreallife，butononlyoneoccasion，thatwecanremember，didweeverseearealsailorpullhistrousersup。
Andthenhedidnotdoitabitliketheydoitonthestage。
Thestagesailorplaceshisrighthandbehindhimandhisleftinfront，leapsupintotheair，kicksouthislegbehindinagayandbird—likeway，andthethingisdone。
Therealsailorthatwesawbeganbysayingabadword。Thenheleanedupagainstabrickwallandundidhisbelt，pulleduphis\"bags\"ashestoodthere（heneverattemptedtoleapupintotheair），tuckedinhisjersey，shookhislegs，andwalkedon。
Itwasamostunpicturesqueperformancetowatch。
Thethingthatthestagesailormostcravesinthislifeisthatsomebodyshouldshiverhistimbers。
\"Shivermytimbers！\"istherequesthemakestoeveryonehemeets。
Butnobodyeverdoesit。
Hischiefdesirewithregardtotheotherpeopleintheplayisthattheyshould\"belaythere，avast！\"Wedonotknowhowthisisdone;
butthestagesailorisagoodandkindlyman，andwefeelconvincedhewouldnotrecommendtheexerciseifitwerenotconducivetopietyandhealth。
Thestagesailorisgoodtohismotheranddancesthehornpipebeautifully。Wehaveneverfoundarealsailorwhocoulddanceahornpipe，thoughwehavemadeextensiveinquiriesthroughouttheprofession。Wewereintroducedtoaship’sstewardwhoofferedtodousacellar—flapforapotoffour—half，butthatwasnotwhatwewanted。
Thestagesailorisgayandrollicking:therealsailorswehavemethavebeen，someofthem，themostworthyandsingle—mindedofmen，buttheyhaveappearedsedateratherthangay，andtheyhaven’trollickedmuch。
Thestagesailorseemstohaveaneasytimeofitwhenatsea。Thehardestworkwehaveeverseenhimdothenhasbeenfoldinguparopeordustingthesidesoftheship。
Butitisonlyinhisverybusymomentsthathehastoworktothisextent;mostofhistimeisoccupiedinchattingwiththecaptain。
Bytheway，speakingofthesea，fewthingsaremoreremarkableintheirbehaviorthanastagesea。Itmustbedifficulttonavigateinastagesea，thecurrentsaresoconfusing。
Asforthewaves，thereisnoknowinghowtosteerforthem;theyaresotricky。Atonemomenttheyareallonthelarboard，theseaontheothersideofthevesselbeingperfectlycalm，andthenextinstanttheyhavecrossedoverandareallonthestarboard，andbeforethecaptaincanthinkhowtomeetthisnewdodge，thewholeoceanhasslidroundandgotitselfintoaheapatthebackofhim。
Seamanshipisuselessagainstsuchveryunprofessionalconductasthis，andthevesseliswrecked。
Awreckat（stage）seaisatrulyawfulsight。Thethunderandlightningneverleaveoffforaninstant;thecrewrunroundandroundthemastandscream;theheroine，carryingthestagechildinherarmsandwithherbackhairdown，rushesaboutandgetsineverybody’sway。
Thecomicmanaloneiscalm！
Thenextinstantthebulwarksfalldownflatonthedeckandthemastgoesstraightupintotheskyanddisappears，thenthewaterreachesthepowdermagazineandthereisaterrificexplosion。
Thisisfollowedbyasoundasoflinensheetsbeingrippedup，andthepassengersandcrewhurrydownstairsintothecabin，evidentlywiththeideaofgettingoutofthewayofthesea，whichhasclimbedupandisnowlevelwiththedeck。
ThenextmomentthevesselseparatesinthemiddleandgoesoffR。
andL。，soastomakeroomforasmallboatcontainingtheheroine，thechild，thecomicman，andonesailor。
Thewaysmallboatsaremanagedat（stage）seaisevenmorewonderfulthanthewayinwhichshipsaresailed。
Tobeginwith，everybodysitssidewaysalongthemiddleoftheboat，allfacingthestarboard。Theydonotattempttorow。Onemandoesalltheworkwithonescull。Thisscullheputsdownthroughthewatertillittouchesthebedoftheocean，andthenheshoves。
\"Deep—seapunting\"wouldbethetechnicaltermforthemethod，wepresume。
Inthiswaydotheytoil——orrather，tospeakcorrect{y，doestheonemantoil——throughtheawfulnight，untilwithjoytheyseebeforethemthelight—houserocks。
Thelight—housekeepercomesoutwithalantern。Theboatisruninamongthebreakersandallaresaved。
Andthenthebandplays。