The\"baby\"waselevenweeksold，andthencamethetwins，whoweregettingonforfifteenmonthsandwerecuttingtheirdoubleteethnicely。Theyoungestgirlwasthree;therewerefiveboysagedseven，eight，nine，ten，andtwelverespectively——goodenoughlads，but——well，there，boyswillbeboys，youknow;wewerejustthesameourselveswhenwewereyoung。Thetwoeldestwerebothverypleasantgirls，astheirmothersaid;theonlypitywasthattheywouldquarrelsowitheachother。
Weneverknewahealthiersetofboysandgirls。Theyweresofullofenergyanddash。
Ourfriendwasverymuchoutofsortsoneeveningwhenwecalledonhim。Itwasholiday—timeandwetweather。Hehadbeenathomeallday，andsohadallthechildren。Hewastellinghiswifewhenweenteredtheroomthatiftheholidaysweretolastmuchlongerandthosetwinsdidnothurryupandgettheirteethquickly，heshouldhavetogoawayandjointheCountyCouncil。Hecouldnotstandtheracket。
Hiswifesaidshecouldnotseewhathehadtocomplainof。Shewassurebetter—heartedchildrennomancouldhave。
Ourfriendsaidhedidn’tcareastrawabouttheirhearts。Itwastheirlegsandarmsandlungsthatweredrivinghimcrazy。
Healsosaidthathewouldgooutwithusandgetawayfromitforabit，orheshouldgomad。
Heproposedatheater，andweaccordinglymadeourwaytowardtheStrand。Ourfriend，inclosingthedoorbehindhim，saidhecouldnottelluswhatareliefitwastogetawayfromthosechildren。Hesaidhelovedchildrenverymuchindeed，butthatitwasamistaketohavetoomuchofanything，howevermuchyoulikedit，andthathehadcometotheconclusionthattwenty—twohoursadayofthemwasenoughforanyone。
Hesaidhedidnotwanttoseeanotherchildorhearanotherchilduntilhegothome。Hewantedtoforgetthatthereweresuchthingsaschildrenintheworld。
WegotuptotheStrandanddroppedintothefirsttheaterwecameto。
Thecurtainwentup，andonthestagewasasmallchildstandinginitsnightshirtandscreamingforitsmother。
Ourfriendlooked，saidonewordandbolted，andwefollowed。
Wewentalittlefurtheranddroppedintoanothertheater。
Herethereweretwochildrenonthestage。Somegrown—uppeoplewerestandingroundthemlistening，inrespectfulattitudes，whilethechildrentalked。Theyappearedtobelecturingaboutsomething。
Againwefled，swearing，andmadeourwaytoathirdtheater。Theywereallchildrenthere。Itwassomebodyorother’sChildren’sCompanyperforminganopera，orpantomime，orsomethingofthatsort。
Ourfriendsaidhewouldnotventureintoanothertheater。Hesaidhehadheardtherewereplacescalledmusic—halls，andhebeggedustotakehimtooneoftheseandnottotellhiswife。
Weinquiredofapolicemanandfoundthattherereallyweresuchplaces，andwetookhimintoone。
Thefirstthingwesawweretwolittleboysdoingtricksonahorizontalbar。
Ourfriendwasabouttorepeathiscustomaryprogrammeofflyingandcursing，butwerestrainedhim。Weassuredhimthathewouldreallyseeagrown—uppersonifhewaitedabit，sohesatouttheboysandalsotheirlittlesisteronabicycleandwaitedforthenextitem。
Itturnedouttobeaninfantphenomenonwhosanganddancedinfourteendifferentcostumes，andweoncemorefled。
Ourfriendsaidhecouldnotgohomeinthestatehewasthen;hefeltsureheshouldkillthetwinsifhedid。Heponderedforawhile，andthenhethoughthewouldgoandhearsomemusic。Hesaidhethoughtalittlemusicwouldsootheandennoblehim——makehimfeelmorelikeaChristianthanhedidatthatprecisemoment。
WewerenearSt。James’Hall，sowewentinthere。
Thehallwasdenselycrowded，andwehadgreatdifficultyinforcingourwaytoourseats。Wereachedthematlength，andthenturnedoureyestowardtheorchestra。
\"Themarvelousboypianist——onlytenyearsold！\"wasgivingarecital。
Thenourfriendroseandsaidhethoughtbewouldgiveitupandgohome。
Weaskedhimifhewouldliketotryanyotherplaceofamusement，buthesaid\"No。\"Hesaidthatwhenyoucametothinkofit，itseemedawasteofmoneyforamanwithelevenchildrenofhisowntogoabouttoplacesofentertainmentnowadays。
THECOMICLOVERS。
Oh，theyarefunny！Thecomiclovers’missioninlifeistoserveasasortof\"relief\"tothemiserycausedtheaudiencebytheothercharactersintheplay;andallthatiswantednowissomethingthatwillbearelieftothecomiclovers。
Theyhavenothingtodowiththeplay，buttheycomeonimmediatelyafteranythingverysadhashappenedandmakelove。Thisiswhywewatchsadscenesonthestagewithsuchpatience。Wearenoteagerforthemtobegotover。Maybetheyareveryuninterestingscenes，aswellassadones，andtheymakeusyawn;butwehavenodesiretoseethemhurriedthrough。Thelongertheytakethebetterpleasedweare:
weknowthatwhentheyarefinishedthecomicloverswillcomeon。
Theyarealwaysveryrudetoeachother，thecomiclovers。Everybodyismoreorlessrudeandinsultingtoeverybodyelseonthestage;
theycallitreparteethere！Wetriedtheeffectofalittlestage\"repartee\"onceuponsomepeopleinreallife，andwewishedwehadn’tafterward。Itwastoosubtleforthem。Theysummonedusbeforeamagistratefor\"usinglanguagecalculatedtocauseabreachofthepeace。\"Wewerefined2poundsandcosts！
Theyaremorelenientto\"witandhumor\"onthestage，andknowhowtoencouragetheartofvituperation。Butthecomicloverscarrythepracticealmosttoexcess。Theyaremorethanrude——theyareabusive。
Theyinsulteachotherfrommorningtonight。Whattheirmarriedlifewillbelikeweshuddertothink！
Inthevariousslangingmatchesandbullyraggingcompetitionswhichformtheircourtshipitisalwaysthemaidenthatismostsuccessful。
Againsthermerryflowofinvectiveandhergirlishwealthofoffensivepersonalitiestheinsolenceandabuseofherboyishadorercannotstandforonemoment。
Togiveanideaofhowthecomicloverswoo，weperhapscannotdobetterthansubjointhefollowingbriefexample:
_SCENE:MainthoroughfareinpopulousdistrictofLondon。Time:
Noon。Notasoultobeseenanywhere。_
_EntercomicloveressR。，walkinginthemiddleoftheroad。_
_EntercomicloverL。，alsowalkinginthemiddleoftheroad。_
_Theyneitherseetheotheruntiltheybumpagainsteachotherinthecenter。_
HE。Why，Jane！Who’da’thoughto’meetingyouhere！
SHE。Youevidentlydidn’t——stoopid！
HE。Halloo！gotouto’bedthewrongsideagain？Isay，Jane，ifyougoonlikethatyou’llnevergetamantomarryyou。
SHE。SoIthoughtwhenIengagedmyselftoyou。
HE。Oh！come，Jane，don’tbehard。
SHE。Well，oneofusmustbehard。You’resoftenough。
HE。Yes，Ishouldn’twanttomarryyouifIweren’t。Ha！ha！ha！
SHE。Oh，yougibberingidiot！（_Saidarchly。_）
HE。SogladIam。Weshallmakeacapitalmatch（_attemptstokissher_）。
SHE（_slippingaway_）。Yes，andyou’llfindI’mamatchthatcanstrike（_fetcheshimaviolentblowoverthesideifthehead_）。
HE（_holdinghisjaw——inaliteralsense，wemean_）。Ican’thelpfeelingsmittenbyher。
SHE。Yes，I’mabitofaspanker，ain’tI？
HE。Spanker。Icallyouaregularstunner。You’venearlymademesilly。
SHE（_laughingplayfully_）。No，naturedidthatforyou，Joe，longago。
HE。Ah，well，you’vemademesmartenoughnow，youboss—eyedoldcow，you！
SHE。Cow！amI？Ah，Isupposethat’swhatmakesmesofondofacalf，youGermansausageonlegs！You——
HE。Goalong。Yourmotherbroughtyouuponsourmilk。
SHE。Yah！Theyweanedyouonthistles，didn’tthey？
Andsoon，withsuchlikebadinagedotheyhangaboutinthemiddleofthatroad，showeringderisionandcontumelyuponeachotherforfulltenminutes，when，withoneculminatingburstofmutualabuse，theygoofftogetherfightingandthestreetisleftoncemoredeserted。
Itisverycurious，bythebye，howdesertedallpublicplacesbecomewheneverastagecharacterisabout。Itwouldseemasthoughordinarycitizenssoughttoavoidthem。WehaveknownacoupleofstagevillainstohaveWaterlooBridge，LancasterPlace，andabitoftheStrandentirelytothemselvesfornearlyaquarterofanhouronasummer’safternoonwhiletheyplottedamostdiabolicaloutrage。
AsforTrafalgarSquare，theheroalwayschoosesthatspotwhenhewantstogetawayfromthebusycrowdandcommuneinsolitudewithhisownbitterthoughts;andthegoodoldlawyerleaveshisofficeandgoestheretodiscussanyverydelicatebusinessoverwhichheparticularlydoesnotwishtobedisturbed。
AndtheyallmakespeechestheretoanextentsufficienttohaveturnedthehairofthelatelamentedSirCharlesWarrenWhitewithhorror。Butitisallright，becausethereisnobodyneartohearthem。Asfarastheeyecanreach，notalivingthingistobeseen。
NorthumberlandAvenue，theStrand，andSt。Martin’sLanearesimplyawilderness。Theonlysignoflifeaboutisa’busatthetopofWhitehall，anditappearstobeblocked。
Howithasmanagedtogetblockedwecannotsay。Ithasthewholeroadtoitself，andis，infact，itselftheonlytrafficformilesround。Yetthereitsticksforhours。Thepolicemakenoattempttomoveitonandthepassengersseemquitecontented。
TheThamesEmbankmentisanevenstillmorelonesomeanddesolatepart。Wounded（stage）spiritsflyfromthehauntsofmenand，leavingthehard，coldworldfar，farbehindthem，goanddieinpeaceontheThamesEmbankment。Andotherwanderers，findingtheirskeletonsafterward，burythemthereandputuprudecrossesoverthegravestomarkthespot。
Thecomicloversareoftenveryyoung，andwhenpeopleonthestageareyoungthey_are_young。Heissupposedtobeaboutsixteenandsheisfifteen。Buttheybothtalkasiftheywerenotmorethanseven。
Inreallife\"boys\"ofsixteenknowathingortwo，wehavegenerallyfound。Theaverage\"boy\"ofsixteennowadaysusuallysmokescavendishanddoesalittleontheStockExchangeormakesabook;andasforlove！hehasquitegotoveritbythatage。Onthestage，however，thenew—bornbabeisnotinitforinnocencewiththeboyloverofsixteen。
So，too，withthemaiden。Mostgirlsoffifteenoffthestage，soourexperiencegoes，knowasmuchasthereisanyactualnecessityforthemtoknow，Mr。Gilbertnotwithstanding;butwhenweseeayoungladyoffifteenonthestagewewonderwherehercradleis。
Thecomicloversdonothavethefacilitiesforlove—makingthattheheroandheroinedo。Theheroandheroinehavebigroomstomakelovein，withafireandplentyofeasy—chairs，sothattheycansitaboutinpicturesqueattitudesanddoitcomfortably。Oriftheywanttodoitoutofdoorstheyhavearuinedabbey，withabigstoneseatinthecenter，andmoonlight。
Thecomiclovers，ontheotherhand，havetodoitstandingupallthetime，inbusystreets，orincheerless—lookingandcuriouslynarrowroomsinwhichthereisnofurniturewhateverandnofire。
Andthereisalwaysatremendousrowgoingoninthehousewhenthecomicloversaremakinglove。Somebodyalwaysseemstobeputtinguppicturesinthenextroom，andputtingthemupboisterously，too，sothatthecomiclovershavetoshoutateachother。
THEPEASANTS。
Theyaresoclean。Wehaveseenpeasantryoffthestage，andithaspresentedanuntidy——occasionallyadisreputableandunwashed——appearance;butthestagepeasantseemstospendallhiswagesonsoapandhair—oil。
Theyarealwaysroundthecorner——orratherroundthetwocorners——andtheycomeoninacoupleofstreamsandmeetinthecenter;andwhentheyareintheirproperpositiontheysmile。
Thereisnothinglikethestagepeasants’smileinthisworld——nothingsoperfectlyinane，socalmlyimbecile。
Theyaresohappy。Theydon’tlookit，butweknowtheyarebecausetheysayso。Ifyoudon’tbelievethem，theydancethreestepstotherightandthreestepstotheleftbackagain。Theycan’thelpit。Itisbecausetheyaresohappy。
Whentheyaremorethanusuallyrollickingtheystandinasemicircle，withtheirhandsoneachother’sshoulders，andswayfromsidetoside，tryingtomakethemselvessick。Butthisisonlywhentheyaresimplyburstingwithjoy。
Stagepeasantsneverhaveanyworktodo。
Sometimesweseethemgoingtowork，sometimescominghomefromwork，butnobodyhaseverseenthemactuallyatwork。Theycouldnotaffordtowork——itwouldspoiltheirclothes。
Theyareverysympathetic，arestagepeasants。Theyneverseemtohaveanyaffairsoftheirowntothinkabout，buttheymakeupforthisbytakingathree—hundred—horse—powerinterestinthingsinwhichtheyhavenoearthlyconcern。
Whatparticularlyrousesthemistheheroine’sloveaffairs。Theycouldlistentothemallday。
Theyyearntohearwhatshesaidtohimandtobetoldwhatherepliedtoher，andtheyrepeatittoeachother。
Inourownlove—sickdaysweoftenusedtogoandrelatetovariouspeopleallthetouchingconversationsthattookplacebetweenourlady—loveandourselves;butourfriendsneverseemedtogetexcitedoverit。Onthecontrary，acasualobservermightevenhavebeenledtotheideathattheywereboredbyourrecital。Andtheyhadtrainstocatchandmentomeetbeforewehadgotaquarterthroughthejob。
Ah，howofteninthosedayshaveweyearnedforthesympathyofastagepeasantry，whowouldhavecrowdedroundus，eagernottomissonewordofthethrillingnarrative，whowouldhaverejoicedwithuswithanencouraginglaugh，andhavecondoledwithuswithagrieved\"Oh，\"andwhowouldhavegoneoff，whenwehadhadenoughofthem，singingaboutit。
Bytheway，thisisaverybeautifultraitinthecharacterofthestagepeasantry，theirpromptandunquestioningcompliancewiththeslightestwishofanyoftheprincipals。
\"Leaveme，friends，\"saystheheroine，beginningtomakepreparationsforweeping，andbeforeshecanturnroundtheyarecleangone——onelottotheright，evidentlymakingforthebackentranceofthepublic—house，andtheotherhalftotheleft，wheretheyvisiblyhidethemselvesbehindthepumpandwaittillsomebodyelsewantsthem。
Thestagepeasantrydonottalkmuch，theirstrongpointbeingtolisten。Whentheycannotgetanymoreinformationaboutthestateoftheheroine’sheart，theyliketobetoldlongandcomplicatedstoriesaboutwrongsdoneyearsagotopeoplethattheyneverheardof。Theyseemtobeabletograspandunderstandthesestorieswithease。Thismakestheaudienceenviousofthem。
Whenthestagepeasantrydotalk，however，theysoonmakeupforlosttime。Theystartoffalltogetherwithasuddennessthatnearlyknocksyouover。
Theyalltalk。Nobodylistens。Watchanytwoofthem。Theyarebothtalkingashardastheycango。Theyhavebeenlisteningquiteenoughtootherpeople:youcan’texpectthemtolistentoeachother。Buttheconversationundersuchconditionsmustbeverytrying。
Andthentheyflirtsosweetly！soidyllicly！
Ithasbeenourprivilegetoseerealpeasantryflirt，andithasalwaysstruckusasasingularlysolidandsubstantialaffair——makesonethink，somehow，ofasteam—rollerflirtingwithacow——butonthestageitissosylph—like。Shehasshortskirts，andherstockingsaresomuchtidierandbetterfittingthanthesethingsareinrealpeasantlife，andsheisarchandcoy。Sheturnsawayfromhimandlaughs——suchasilverylaugh。Andheisruddyandcurlyhairedandhasonsuchabeautifulwaistcoat！howcanshehelpbutlovehim？Andheissotenderanddevotedandholdsherbythewaist;andsheslipsroundandcomesuptheotherside。Oh，itissobewitching！
Thestagepeasantryliketodotheirlove—makingasmuchinpublicaspossible。Somepeoplefancyaplacealltothemselvesforthissortofthing——wherenobodyelseisabout。Weourselvesdo。Butthestagepeasantismoresociablyinclined。Givehimthevillagegreen，justoutsidethepublic—house，orthesquareonmarket—daytodohisspooningin。