AFantasyinThreeActsBYJOHNGALSWORTHY
PERSONSOFTHEPLAY
CHRISTOPHERWELLWYN，anartistANN，hisdaughterGUINEVEREMEGAN，aflower—sellerRORYMEGAN，herhusbandFERRAND，analienTIMSON，onceacabmanEDWARDBERTLEY，aCanonALFREDCALWAY，aProfessorSIRTHOMASHOXTON，aJusticeofthePeaceAlsoapoliceconstable，threehumble—men，andsomecuriouspersonsTheactionpassesinWellwyn’sStudio，andthestreetoutside。
ACTI。ChristmasEve。
ACTII。NewYear’sDay。
ACTIII。TheFirstofApril。
ACTI
ItisthenightofChristmasEve，theSCENEisaStudio，flushwiththestreet，havingaskylightdarkenedbyafallofsnow。
Thereisnooneintheroom，thewallsofwhicharewhitewashed，aboveafloorofbaredarkboards。Afireischeerfullyburning。Onamodel’splatformstandsaneaselandcanvas。
Therearebustsandpictures;ascreen，alittlestool，twoarm。
chairs，andalongold—fashionedsettleunderthewindow。A
doorinonewallleadstothehouse，adoorintheoppositewalltothemodel’sdressing—room，andthestreetdoorisinthecentreofthewallbetween。OnalowtableaRussiansamovarishissing，andbesideitonatraystandsateapot，withglasses，lemon，sugar，andadecanterofrum。Throughahugeuncurtainedwindowclosetothestreetdoorthesnowylamplitstreetcanbeseen，andbeyondittheriverandanightofstars。
Thesoundofalatchkeyturnedinthelockofthestreetdoor，andANNWELLWYNenters，agirlofseventeen，withhairtiedinaribbonandcoveredbyascarf。Leavingthedooropen，sheturnsuptheelectriclightandgoestothefire。Shethrowsofherscarfandlongredcloak。Sheisdressedinahigheveningfrockofsomesoftwhitematerial。Hermovementsarequickandsubstantial。Herface，fullofnononsense，isdecidedandsincere，withdeep—seteyes，andacapable，well—shapedforehead。Shreddingofherglovesshewarmsherhands。
Inthedoorwayappearthefiguresoftwomen。Thefirstisrathershortandslight，withasoftshortbeard，brightsofteyes，andacrumplyface。Underhissquashhathishairisratherplentifulandrathergrey。Hewearsanoldbrownulsterandwoollengloves，andispuffingatahand—madecigarette。HeisANN’Sfather，WELLWYN，theartist。Hiscompanionisawell—wrappedclergymanofmediumheightandstoutishbuild，withapleasant，rosyface，rathershiningeyes，andratherchubbyclean—shapedlips;inappearance，indeed，agrown—upboy。HeistheVicaroftheparish——CANONBERTLEY。
BERTLEY。MydearWellwyn，thewholequestionofreformisfullofdifficulty。WhenyouhavetwomenlikeProfessorCalwayandSirThomasHoxtontakingdiametricallyoppositepointsofview，aswe’veseento—night，Iconfess，I
WELLWYN。Comein，Vicar，andhavesomegrog。
BERTLEY。Notto—night，thanks！Christmastomorrow！Greattemptation，though，thisroom！Goodnight，Wellwyn;good—night，Ann！
ANN。[Comingfromthefiretowardsthetea—table。]Good—night，CanonBertley。
[Hegoesout，andWELLWYN，shuttingthedoorafterhim，approachesthefire。
ANN。[Sittingonthelittlestool，withherbacktothefire，andmakingtea。]Daddy！
WELLWYN。Mydear？
ANN。YousayyoulikedProfessorCalway’slecture。Isitgoingtodoyouanygood，that’sthequestion？
WELLWYN。I——Ihopeso，Ann。
ANN。Itookyouonpurpose。Yourcharity’sgettingsimplyawful。
Thosetwothismorningclearedoutallmyhousekeepingmoney。
WELLWYN。Um！Um！Iquiteunderstandyourfeeling。
ANN。Theybothhadyourcard，soIcouldn’trefuse——didn’tknowwhatyou’dsaidtothem。Whydon’tyoumakeitarulenevertogiveyourcardtoanyoneexceptreallydecentpeople，and——picturedealers，ofcourse。
WELLWYN。Mydear，Ihave——often。
ANN。Thenwhydon’tyoukeepit？It’safrightfulhabit。Youarenaughty，Daddy。Oneofthesedaysyou’llgetyourselfintomostfearfulcomplications。
WELLWYN。Mydear，whenthey——whentheylookatyou？
ANN。Youknowthehousewantsallsortsofthings。Whydoyouspeaktothematall？
WELLWYN。Idon’t——theyspeaktome。
[Hetakesofhisulsterandhangsitoverthebackofanarm—chair。
ANN。Theyseeyoucoming。Anybodycanseeyoucoming，Daddy。
That’swhyyououghttobesocareful。Ishallmakeyouwearahardhat。Thosesquashyhatsofyoursarehopelesslyinefficient。
WELLWYN。[Gazingathishat。]Calwaywearsone。
ANN。AsifanyonewouldbegofProfessorCalway。
WELLWYN。Well—perhapsnot。Youknow，Ann，Iadmirethatfellow。
Wonderfulpowerof—of—theory！Howamancanbesoabsolutelytidyinhismind！It’smostexciting。
ANN。Hasanyonebeggedofyouto—day？
WELLWYN。[Doubtfully。]No——no。
ANN。[Afteralong，severelook。]Willyouhaveruminyourtea？
WELLWYN。[Crestfallen。]Yes，mydear——agooddeal。
ANN。[Pouringouttherum，andhandinghimtheglass。]Well，whowasit？
WELLWYN。Hedidn’tbegofme。[Losinghimselfinrecollection。]
Interestingoldcreature，Ann——realtype。Oldcabman。
ANN。Where？
WELLWYN。JustontheEmbankment。
ANN。Ofcourse！Daddy，youknowtheEmbankmentonesarealwaysrotters。
WELLWYN。Yes，mydear;butthiswasn’t。
ANN。Didyougivehimyourcard？
WELLWYN。I——I——don’tANN。Didyou，Daddy？
WELLWYN。I’mratherafraidImayhave！
ANN。Mayhave！It’ssimplyimmoral。
WELLWYN。Well，theoldfellowwassoawfullyhuman，Ann。Besides，I
didn’tgivehimanymoney——hadn’tgotany。
ANN。Lookhere，Daddy！Didyoueveraskanybodyforanything？Youknowyouneverdid，you’dstarvefirst。Sowouldanybodydecent。
Then，whywon’tyouseethatpeoplewhobegarerotters？
WELLWYN。But，mydear，we’renotallthesame。Theywouldn’tdoitifitwasn’tnaturaltothem。Onelikestobefriendly。What’stheuseofbeingaliveifoneisn’t？
ANN。Daddy，you’rehopeless。
WELLWYN。But，lookhere，Ann，thewholething’ssojollycomplicated。AccordingtoCalway，we’retogivetheStateallwecanspare，tomaketheundeservingdeserving。He’saProfessor;heoughttoknow。ButoldHoxton’salwaysdinningitintomethatweoughttosupportprivateorganisationsforhelpingthedeserving，anddamntheundeserving。Well，that’sjusttheopposite。Andhe’saJ。P。
Tremendousexperience。AndtheVicarseemstobeforalittlebitofboth。Well，whatthedevil？Mytroubleis，whicheverI’mwith，healwaysconvertsme。[Ruefully。]Andthere’snofuninanyofthem。
ANN。[Rising。]Oh！Daddy，youareso——don’tyouknowthatyou’rethedespairofallsocialreformers？[Sheenvelopshim。]There’satearintheleftkneeofyourtrousers。You’renottowearthemagain。
WELLWYN。AmIlikelyto？
ANN。Ishouldn’tbeabitsurprisedifitisn’tyouronlypair。
D’youknowwhatIliveinterrorof？
[WELLWYNgivesheraqueerandapprehensivelook。]
ANN。Thatyou’lltakethemoffsomeday，andgivethemawayinthestreet。Haveyougotanymoney？[Shefeelsinhiscoat，andhehistrousers——theyfindnothing。]Doyouknowthatyourpocketsareoneenormoushole？
WELLWYN。No！
ANN。Spiritually。
WELLWYN。Oh！Ah！H’m！
ANN。[Severely。]Now，lookhere，Daddy！[Shetakeshimbyhislapels。]Don’timaginethatitisn’tthemostdisgustingluxuryonyourparttogoongivingawaythingsasyoudo！Youknowwhatyoureallyare，Isuppose——asicklysentimentalist！
WELLWYN。[Breakingawayfromher，disturbed。]Itisn’tsentiment。
It’ssimplythattheyseemtomeso——so——jolly。IfI’mtogiveupfeelingsortof——niceinhere[hetoucheshischest]aboutpeople——itdoesn’tmatterwhotheyare——thenIdon’tknowwhatI’mtodo。
Ishallhavetositwithmyheadinabag。
ANN。Ithinkyououghtto。
WELLWYN。IsupposetheyseeIlikethem——thentheytellmethings。
Afterthat，ofcourseyoucan’thelpdoingwhatyoucan。
ANN。Well，ifyouwilllovethemup！
WELLWYN。Mydear，Idon’twantto。Itisn’tthemespecially——why，I
feelitevenwitholdCalwaysometimes。It’sonlyProvidencethathedoesn’twantanythingofme——excepttomakemelikehimself——confoundhim！
ANN。[Movingtowardsthedoorintothehouse——impressively。]Whatyoudon’tseeisthatotherpeoplearen’tabitlikeyou。
WELLWYN。Well，thankGod！
ANN。It’ssoold—fashionedtoo！I’mgoingtobed——Ijustleaveyoutoyourconscience。
WELLWYN。Oh！
ANN。[Openingthedoor—severely。]Good—night——[withacertainweakening]youold——Daddy！
[Shejumpsathim，giveshimahug，andgoesout。]
[WELLWYNstandsperfectlystill。Hefirstgazesupattheskylight，thendownatthefloor。Slowlyhebeginstoshakehishead，andmutter，ashemovestowardsthefire。
WELLWYN。Badlot……Lowtype——nobackbone，nostability！
[Therecomesaflutteringknockontheouterdoor。Asthesoundslowlyentershisconsciousness，hebeginstowince，asthoughheknew，butwouldnotadmititssignificance。Thenhesitsdown，coveringhisears。Theknockingdoesnotcease。WELLWYN
dropsfirstone，thenbothhands，rises，andbeginstosidletowardsthedoor。Theknockingbecomeslouder。
WELLWYN。Ahdear！Tt！Tt！Tt！
[AfteralookinthedirectionofANN’sdisappearance，heopensthestreetdooraverylittleway。Bythelightofthelamptherecanbeseenayounggirlindarkclothes，huddledinashawltowhichthesnowisclinging。Shehasonherarmabasketcoveredwithabitofsacking。
WELLWYN。Ican’t，youknow;it’simpossible。
[Thegirlsaysnothing，butlooksathimwithdarkeyes。]
WELLWYN。[Wincing。]Let’ssee——Idon’tknowyou——doI？
[Thegirl，speakinginasoft，hoarsevoice，withafaintaccentofreproach:\"Mrs。Megan——yougivemethis———\"Sheholdsoutadirtyvisitingcard。]
WELLWYN。[Recoilingfromthecard。]Oh！DidI？Ah！When？
MRS。MEGAN。You’adsomevi’letsoffofmelarstspring。Yougiveme’arfacrown。
[Asmiletriestovisitherface。]
WELLWYN。[Lookingstealthilyround。]Ah！Well，comein——justforaminute——it’sverycold——andtelluswhatitis。
[Shecomesinstolidly，aSphinx—likefigure，withherprettytragiclittleface。
WELLWYN。Idon’trememberyou。[Lookingcloser。]Yes，Ido。Only——
youweren’tthesame—wereyou？
MRS。MEGAN。[Dully。]Iseentroublesince。
WELLWYN。Trouble！Havesometea？
[Helooksanxiouslyatthedoorintothehouse，thengoesquicklytothetable，andpoursoutaglassoftea，puttingrumintoit。]
WELLWYN。[Handingherthetea。]Keepsthecoldout！Drinkitoff！
[MRS。MEGANdrinksitof，chokesalittle，andalmostimmediatelyseemstogetasizelarger。WELLWYNwatchesherwithhisheadheldononeside，andasmilebroadeningonhisface。]
WELLWYN。Cureforallevils，um？
MRS。MEGAN。Itwarmsyou。[Shesmiles。]
WELLWYN。[Smilingback，andcatchinghimselfout。]Well！Youknow，Ioughtn’t。
MRS。MEGAN。[Consciousofthedisruptionofhispersonality，andwithdrawingintohertragicabyss。]Iwouldn’t’acome，butyoutoldmeifIwantedan’and
WELLWYN。[Graduallylosinghimselfinhisownnature。]Letmesee——cornerofFlightStreet，wasn’tit？
MRS。MEGAN。[Withfainteagerness。]Yes，sir，an’Itoldyouaboutmevi’lets——itwasaluvlyspring—day。
WELLWYN。Beautiful！Beautiful！Birdssinging，andthetrees，&c。！
Wehadquiteatalk。Youhadababywithyou。
MRS。MEGAN。Yes。Igotmarriedsincethen。
WELLWYN。Oh！Ah！Yes！[Cheerfully。]Andhow’sthebaby？
MRS。MEGAN。[Turningtostone。]Ilosther。
WELLWYN。Oh！poor———Um！
MRS。MEGAN。[Impassive。]Yousaidsomethingabahtmakin’apictureofme。[Withfainteagerness。]SoIthoughtImightcome，incaseyou’dforgotten。
WELLWYN。[Lookingat，herintently。]Thingsgoingbadly？
MRS。MEGAN。[Strippingthesackingoffherbasket。]Ikeep’emcoveredup，butthecoldgetsto’em。Thruppence——that’sallI’vetook。
WELLWYN。Ho！Tt！Tt！[Helooksintothebasket。]Christmas，too！
MRS。MEGAN。They’redead。
WELLWYN。[Drawinginhisbreath。]Gotagoodhusband？
MRS。MEGAN。Heplayscards。
WELLWYN。Oh，Lord！Andwhatareyoudoingout——withacoldlikethat？[Hetapshischest。]
MRS。MEGAN。Wewassoldupthismorning——he’sgoneoffwith’ismates。Haven’ttookenoughyetforanight’slodgin’。
WELLWYN。[Correctingaspasmodicdiveintohispockets。]Butwhobuysflowersatthistimeofnight？
[MRS。MEGANlooksathim，andfaintlysmiles。]
WELLWYN。[Rumplinghishair。]Saintsaboveus！Here！Cometothefire！
[Shefollowshimtothefire。Heshutsthestreetdoor。]
WELLWYN。Areyourfeetwet？[Shenods。]Well，sitdownhere，andtakethemoff。That’sright。
[Shesitsonthestool。Andafteraslowlookupathim，whichhasinitadeeperknowledgethanbelongsofrighttoheryears，beginstakingoffhershoesandstockings。WELLWYNgoestothedoorintothehouse，opensit，andlistenswithasortofstealthycasualness。Hereturnswhistling，butnotoutloud。
Thegirlhasfinishedtakingoffherstockings，andturnedherbaretoestotheflames。Sheshufflesthembackunderherskirt。
WELLWYN。Howoldareyou，mychild？
MRS。MEGAN。Nineteen，comeCandlemas。
WELLWYN。Andwhat’syourname？
MRS。MEGAN。Guinevere。
WELLWYN。What？Welsh？
MRS。MEGAN。Yes——fromBattersea。
WELLWYN。Andyourhusband？
MRS。MEGAN。No。Irish，’eis。NottingDale，’ecomesfrom。
WELLWYN。RomanCatholic？
MRS。MEGAN。Yes。My’usband’sanatheistaswell。
WELLWYN。Isee。[Abstractedly。]Howjolly！Andhowoldishe——thisyoungmanofyours？
MRS。MEGAN。’E’llbetwentysoon。
WELLWYN。Babesinthewood！Doeshetreatyoubadly？
MRS。MEGAN。No。
WELLWYN。Nordrink？
MRS。MEGAN。No。He’snotabadone。Onlyhegetsplayin’
cardsthen’e’llflythekite。
WELLWYN。Isee。Andwhenhe’snotflyingit，whatdoeshedo？
MRS。MEGAN。[Touchingherbasket。]Sameasme。Otherjobstires’im。
WELLWYN。That’sverynice！[Hecheckshimself。]Well，whatamItodowithyou？
MRS。MEGAN。Ofcourse，Icouldgetmenight’slodgingifIliketodo——thesameassomeofthem。
WELLWYN。No！no！Never，mychild！Never！
MRS。MEGAN。It’seasythatway。
WELLWYN。Heavens！Butyourhusband！Um？
MRS。MEGAN。[Withstoicalvindictiveness。]He’safteroneIknowof。
WELLWYN。Tt！Whatapickle！
MRS。MEGAN。I’ll’avetowalkaboutthestreets。
WELLWYN。[Tohimself。]NowhowcanI？
[MRS。MEGANlooksupandsmilesathim，asifshehadalreadydiscoveredthatheispeculiar。]
WELLWYN。Yousee，thefactis，Imustn’tgiveyouanything——because——well，foronethingIhaven’tgotit。Thereareotherreasons，butthat’sthe——realone。But，now，there’salittleroomwheremymodelsdress。Iwonderifyoucouldsleepthere。Come，andsee。
[TheGirlgetsuplingeringly，lothtoleavethewarmth。Shetakesupherwetstockings。
MRS。MEGAN。ShallIputthemonagain？
WELLWYN。No，no;there’sanicewarmpairofslippers。[Seeingthesteamrisingfromher。]Why，you’rewetallover。Here，waitalittle！
[Hecrossestothedoorintothehouse，andafterstealthylistening，stepsthrough。TheGirl，likeacat，stealsbacktothewarmthofthefire。WELLWYNreturnswithacandle，acanary—colouredbathgown，andtwoblankets。]
WELLWYN。Nowthen！[Heprecedeshertowardsthedoorofthemodel’sroom。]Hsssh！[Heopensthedoorandholdsupthecandletoshowhertheroom。]Willitdo？There’sacouch。You’llfindsomewashingthings。Makeyourselfquiteathome。See！
[TheGirl，perfectlydumb，passesthroughwithherbasket——andhershoesandstockings。WELLWYNhandsherthecandle，blankets，andbathgown。
WELLWYN。Haveagoodsleep，child！Forgetthatyou’realive！
[Heclosesthedoor，mournfully。]Doneitagain！[Hegoestothetable，cutsalargesliceofcake，knocksonthedoor，andhandsitin。]Chow—chow！[Then，ashewalksaway，hesightstheoppositedoor。]Well——damnit，whatcouldIhavedone？Notafarthingonme！
[Hegoestothestreetdoortoshutit，butfirstopensitwidetoconfirmhimselfinhishospitality。]Nightlikethis！
[Asputterofsnowisblowninhisface。Avoicesays:
\"Monsieur，pardon！\"WELLWYNrecoilsspasmodically。Afiguremovesfromthelamp—posttothedoorway。Heisseentobeyoungandtohaveraggedclothes。Hespeaksagain:\"Youdonotrememberme，Monsieur？MynameisFerrand——itwasinParis，intheChamps—Elysees——bythefountain……Whenyoucametothedoor，Monsieur——Iamnotmadeofiron……Tenez，hereisyourcardIhaveneverlostit。\"HeholdsouttoWELLWYN
anoldanddirtywingcard。Asinchbyinchhehasadvancedintothedoorway，thelightfromwithinfallsonhim，atallgauntyoungpaganwithfairhairandreddishgoldenstubbleofbeard，alongironicalnosealittletooneside，andlarge，grey，ratherprominenteyes。Thereisacertaingraceinhisfigureandmovements;hisclothesarenearlydroppingoffhim。
WELLWYN。[Yieldingtoapleasantmemory。]Ah！yes。Bythefountain。Iwassittingthere，andyoucameandatearoll，anddrankthewater。
FERRAND。[Withfainteagerness。]Mybreakfast。Iwasinpoverty——
vereebadoff。Yougavemetenfrancs。IthoughtIhadalittletheright[WELLWYNmakesamovementofdisconcertion]seeingyousaidthatifIcametoEngland
WELLWYN。Um！Andsoyou’vecome？
FERRAND。ItwastimethatIconsolidatedmyfortunes，Monsieur。
WELLWYN。Andyou——have
[Hestopsembarrassed。FERRAND。[Shrugginghisraggedshoulders。]OneisnotyetRothschild。
WELLWYN。[Sympathetically。]No。[Yieldingtomemory。]Wetalkedphilosophy。
FERRAND。Ihavenotyetchangedmyopinion。Weothervagabonds，weareexploitedbythebourgeois。Thisisalwaysmyidea，Monsieur。
WELLWYN。Yes——notquitethegeneralview，perhaps！Well
[Heartily。]Comein！Verygladtoseeyouagain。
FERRAND。[Brushinghisarmsoverhiseyes。]Pardon，Monsieur——yourgoodness——Iamalittleweak。[Heopenshiscoat，andshowsabeltdrawnverytightoverhisraggedshirt。]Itightenhimoneholeforeachmeal，duringtwodaysnow。Thatgivesyoucourage。
WELLWYN。[Withcooingsounds，pouringouttea，andaddingrum。]Havesomeofthis。It’llbuckyouup。[Hewatchestheyoungmandrink。
FERRAND。[Becomingasizelarger。]SometimesIthinkthatIwillneversucceedtodominatemylife，Monsieur——thoughIhavenovices，exceptthatIguardalwaystheaspirationtoachievesuccess。ButI
willnotrollmyselfunderthemachineofexistencetogainanothingeveryday。Imustfindwithwhattoflyalittle。
WELLWYN。[Delicately。]Yes;yes——Iremember，youfounditdifficulttostaylonginanyparticular——yes。
FERRAND。[Proudly。]Inonelittlecorner？No——Monsieur——never！
Thatisnotinmycharacter。Imustseelife。
WELLWYN。Quite，quite！Havesomecake？
[Hecutscake。]
FERRAND。Inyourcountrytheysayyoucannoteatthecakeandhaveit。Butonemustalwaystry，Monsieur;onemustneverbecontent。