\"InCatherine’sreign，whomGlorystilladores\"
——BYRON
THEAUTHOR’SAPOLOGYFORGREATCATHERINE
ExceptionhasbeentakentothetitleofthisseemingtomfooleryonthegroundthattheCatherineitrepresentsisnotGreatCatherine，buttheCatherinewhosegallantriesprovidesomeofthelightestpagesofmodernhistory。GreatCatherine，itissaid，wastheCatherinewhosediplomacy，whosecampaignsandconquests，whoseplansofLiberalreform，whosecorrespondencewithGrimmandVoltaireenabledhertocutsuchamagnificentfigureintheeighteenthcentury。Inreply，IcanonlyconfessthatCatherine’sdiplomacyandherconquestsdonotinterestme。
Itiscleartomethatneithershenorthestatesmenwithwhomsheplayedthismischievouskindofpoliticalchesshadanynotionoftherealhistoryoftheirowntimes，oroftherealforcesthatweremouldingEurope。TheFrenchRevolution，whichmadesuchshortworkofCatherine’sVoltaireanprinciples，surprisedandscandalizedherasmuchasitsurprisedandscandalizedanyprovincialgovernessintheFrenchchateaux。
ThemaindifferencebetweenherandourmodernLiberalGovernmentswasthatwhereasshetalkedandwrotequiteintelligentlyaboutLiberalprinciplesbeforeshewasfrightenedintomakingsuchtalkingandwritingafloggingmatter，ourLiberalministerstakethenameofLiberalisminvainwithoutknowingorcaringenoughaboutitsmeaningeventotalkandscribbleaboutit，andpasstheirfloggingBills，andinstitutetheirprosecutionsforseditionandblasphemyandsoforth，withoutthefaintestsuspicionthatsuchproceedingsneedanyapologyfromtheLiberalpointofview。
ItwasquiteeasyforPatiomkintohumbugCatherineastotheconditionofRussiabyconductingherthroughshamcitiesrunupfortheoccasionbyscenicartists；butinthelittleworldofEuropeancourtintrigueanddynasticdiplomacywhichwastheonlyworldsheknewshewasmorethanamatchforhimandforalltherestofhercontemporaries。Insuchintrigueanddiplomacy，however，therewasnoromance，noscientificpoliticalinterest，nothingthatasanemindcannowretainevenifitcanbepersuadedtowastetimeinreadingitup。ButCatherineasawomanwithplentyofcharacterand（asweshouldsay）nomorals，stillfascinatesandamusesusasshefascinatedandamusedhercontemporaries。Theyweregreatsentimentalcomedians，thesePeters，Elizabeths，andCatherineswhoplayedtheirTsarshipsaseccentriccharacterparts，andproducedsceneaftersceneoffuriousharlequinadewiththemonarchasclown，andoftragicreliefinthetorturechamberwiththemonarchaspantomimedemoncommittingrealatrocities，notforgettingtheindispensableloveinterestonanenormousandutterlyindecorousscale。CatherinekeptthisvastGuignolTheatreopenfornearlyhalfacentury，notasaRussian，butasahighlydomesticatedGermanladywhosehouseholdroutinewasnotatallsounlikethatofQueenVictoriaasmightbeexpectedfromthedifferenceintheirnotionsofproprietyinsexualrelations。
Inshort，ifByronleavesyouwithanimpressionthathesaidverylittleaboutCatherine，andthatlittlenotwhatwasbestworthsaying，IbegtocorrectyourimpressionbyassuringyouthatwhatByronsaidwasalltherereallyistosaythatisworthsaying。HisCatherineismyCatherineandeverybody’sCatherine。
TheyoungmanwhogainsherfavorisaSpanishnoblemaninhisversion。IhavemadehimanEnglishcountrygentleman，whogetsoutofhisratherdangerousscrape，bysimplicity，sincerity，andthecourageofthesequalities。BythisIhavegivensomeoffencetothemanyBritonswhoseethemselvesasheroes：whattheymeanbyheroesbeingtheatricalsnobsofsuperhumanpretensionswhich，thoughquitegroundless，areadmittedwithawebytherestofthehumanrace。TheysayIthinkanEnglishmanafool。WhenIdo，theyhavethemselvestothank。
Imustnot，however，pretendthathistoricalportraiturewasthemotiveofaplaythatwillleavethereaderasignorantofRussianhistoryashemaybenowbeforehehasturnedthepage。
NoristhesketchofCatherinecompleteevenidiosyncratically，leavingherpoliticsoutofthequestion。Forexample，shewrotebushelsofplays。IconfessIhavenotyetreadanyofthem。Thetruthis，thisplaygrewoutoftherelationswhichinevitablyexistinthetheatrebetweenauthorsandactors。Iftheactorshavesometimestousetheirskillastheauthor’spuppetsratherthaninfullself—expression，theauthorhassometimestousehisskillastheactors’tailor，fittingthemwithpartswrittentodisplaythevirtuosityoftheperformerratherthantosolveproblemsoflife，character，orhistory。Featsofthiskindmaytickleanauthor’stechnicalvanity；butheisboundonsuchoccasionstoadmitthattheperformerforwhomhewritesis\"theonliebegetter\"ofhiswork，whichmustberegardedcriticallyasanadditiontothedebtdramaticliteratureowestotheartofactinganditsexponents。ThosewhohaveseenMissGertrudeKingstonplaythepartofCatherinewillhavenodifficultyinbelievingthatitwashertalentratherthanminethatbroughttheplayintoexistence。IoncerecommendedMissKingstonprofessionallytoplayqueens。Nowinthemoderndramatherewerenoqueensforhertoplay；andastotheolderliteratureofourstage：diditnotprovoketheveteranactressinSirArthurPinero’sTrelawnyoftheWellstodeclarethat，asparts，queensarenotworthatinker’soath？MissKingston’scommentonmysuggestion，thoughmoreelegantlyworded，wastothesameeffect；
anditendedinmyhavingtomakegoodmyadvicebywritingGreatCatherine。Historyprovidednootherqueencapableofstandinguptoourjointtalents。
Incomposingsuchbravurapieces，theauthorlimitshimselfonlybytherangeofthevirtuoso，whichbydefinitionfartranscendsthemodestyofnature。IfmyRussiansseemmoreMuscovitethananyRussian，andmyEnglishpeoplemoreinsularthananyBriton，Iwillnotplead，asIhonestlymight，thatthefictionhasyettobewrittenthatcanexaggeratetherealityofsuchsubjects；
thattheapparentlyoutrageousPatiomkinisbutatimidlybowdlerizedghostoftheoriginal；andthatCaptainEdstastonisnomorethanaminiaturethatmighthangappropriatelyonthewallsofnineteenoutoftwentyEnglishcountryhousestothisday。Anartisticpresentmentmustnotcondescendtojustifyitselfbyacomparisonwithcrudenature；andIprefertoadmitthatinthiskindmydramaticpersonaeare，astheyshouldbe，ofthestagestagey，challengingtheactortoactuptothemorbeyondthem，ifhecan。Themoreheroictheovercharging，thebetterfortheperformance。
Indraggingthereaderthusforamomentbehindthescenes，IamdepartingfromarulewhichIhavehithertoimposedonmyselfsorigidlythatIneverpermitmyself，eveninastagedirection，toletslipawordthatcouldbludgeontheimaginationofthereaderbyremindinghimoftheboardsandthefootlightsandtheskybordersandtherestofthetheatricalscaffolding，forwhichneverthelessIhavetoplanascarefullyasifIweretheheadcarpenteraswellastheauthor。Butevenattheriskoftalkingshop，anhonestplaywrightshouldtakeatleastoneopportunityofacknowledgingthathisartisnotonlylimitedbytheartoftheactor，butoftenstimulatedanddevelopedbyit。Nosaneandskilledauthorwritesplaysthatpresentimpossibilitiestotheactorortothestageengineer。If，asoccasionallyhappens，heasksthemtodothingsthattheyhaveneverdonebeforeandcannotconceiveaspresentableorpossible（asWagnerandThomasHardyhavedone，forexample），itisalwaysfoundthatthedifficultiesarenotreallyinsuperable，theauthorhavingforeseenunsuspectedpossibilitiesbothintheactorandintheaudience，whosewill—to—make—believecanperformthequaintestmiracles。Thusmayauthorsadvancetheartsofactingandofstagingplays。Buttheactoralsomayenlargethescopeofthedramabydisplayingpowersnotpreviouslydiscoveredbytheauthor。IfthebestavailableactorsareonlyHoratios，theauthorswillhavetoleaveHamletout，andbecontentwithHoratiosforheroes。SomeofthedifferencebetweenShakespeare’sOrlandosandBassaniosandBertramsandhisHamletsandMacbethsmusthavebeenduenotonlytohisdevelopmentasadramaticpoet，buttothedevelopmentofBurbageasanactor。Playwrightsdonotwriteforidealactorswhentheirlivelihoodisatstake：
iftheydid，theywouldwritepartsforheroeswithtwentyarmslikeanIndiangod。Indeedtheactorofteninfluencestheauthortoomuch；forIcanrememberatime（Iamnotimplyingthatitisyetwhollypast）whentheartofwritingafashionableplayhadbecomeverylargelytheartofwritingit\"round\"thepersonalitiesofagroupoffashionableperformersofwhomBurbagewouldcertainlyhavesaidthattheirpartsneedednoacting。Everythinghasitsabuseaswellasitsuse。
Itisalsotobeconsideredthatgreatplayslivelongerthangreatactors，thoughlittleplaysdonotlivenearlysolongastheworstoftheirexponents。Theconsequenceisthatthegreatactor，insteadofputtingpressureoncontemporaryauthorstosupplyhimwithheroicparts，fallsbackontheShakespeareanrepertory，andtakeswhatheneedsfromadeadhand。Inthenineteenthcentury，thecareersofKean，Macready，BarrySullivan，andIrving，oughttohaveproducedagroupofheroicplayscomparableinintensitytothoseofAeschylus，Sophocles，andEuripides；butnothingofthekindhappened：theseactorsplayedtheworksofdeadauthors，or，veryoccasionally，oflivepoetswhowerehardlyregularprofessionalplaywrights。SheridanKnowles，BulwerLytton，Wills，andTennysonproducedafewglaringlyartificialhighhorsesforthegreatactorsoftheirtime；buttheplaywrightsproper，whoreallykeptthetheatregoing，andwerekeptgoingbythetheatre，didnotcaterforthegreatactors：theycouldnotaffordtocompetewithabardwhowasnotforanagebutforalltime，andwhohad，moreover，theoverwhelmingattractionfortheactor—managersofnotchargingauthor’sfees。Theresultwasthattheplaywrightsandthegreatactorsceasedtothinkofthemselvesashavinganyconcernwithoneanother：TomRobertson，Ibsen，Pinero，andBarriemightaswellhavebelongedtoadifferentsolarsystemasfarasIrvingwasconcerned；andthesamewastrueoftheirrespectivepredecessors。
Thuswasestablishedaneviltradition；butIatleastcanpleadthatitdoesnotalwaysholdgood。IfForbesRobertsonhadnotbeentheretoplayCaesar，IshouldnothavewrittenCaesarandCleopatra。IfEllenTerryhadneverbeenborn，CaptainBrassbound’sConversionwouldneverhavebeeneffected。TheDevil’sDisciple，withwhichIwonmycordonbleuinAmericaasapotboiler，wouldhavehadadifferentsortofheroifRichardMansfieldhadbeenadifferentsortofactor，thoughtheactualcommissiontowriteitcamefromanEnglishactor，WilliamTerriss，whowasassassinatedbeforeherecoveredfromthedismayintowhichtheresultofhisrashproposalthrewhim。ForitmustbesaidthattheactororactresswhoinspiresorcommissionsaplayasoftenasnotregardsitasaFrankenstein’smonster，andwillhavenoneofit。Thatdoesnotmakehimorheranythelessparentalinthefecundityoftheplaywright。
Toanauthorwhohasanyfeelingofhisbusinessthereisakeenandwhimsicaljoyindiviningandrevealingasideofanactor’sgeniusoverlookedbefore，andunsuspectedevenbytheactorhimself。WhenIsnatchedMrLouisCalvertfromShakespeare，andmadehimwearafrockcoatandsilkhatonthestageforperhapsthefirsttimeinhislife，IdonotthinkheexpectedintheleastthathisperformancewouldenablemetoboastofhisTomBroadbentasagenuinestageclassic。MrsPatrickCampbellwasfamousbeforeIwroteforher，butnotforplayingilliteratecockneyflower—maidens。Andinthecasewhichisprovokingmetoalltheseimpertinences，IamquitesurethatMissGertrudeKingston，whofirstmadeherreputationasanimpersonatorofthemostdelightfullyfeather—headedandinconsequentingenues，thoughtmemorethanusuallymadwhenIpersuadedhertoplaytheHelenofEuripides，andthenlaunchedheronaqueenlycareerasCatherineofRussia。
Itisnotthewholetruththatifwetakecareoftheactorstheplayswilltakecareofthemselves；norisitanytruerthatifwetakecareoftheplaystheactorswilltakecareofthemselves。Thereisbothgiveandtakeinthebusiness。Ihaveseenplayswrittenforactorsthatmademeexclaim，\"Howoftthesightofmeanstodoilldeedsmakesdeedsilldone！\"ButBurbagemayhaveflourishedthepromptcopyofHamletunderShakespeare’snoseatthetenthrehearsalandcried，\"Howoftthesightofmeanstodogreatdeedsmakesplaywrightsgreat！\"IsaythetenthbecauseIamconvincedthatatthefirsthedenouncedhispartasarottenone；thoughttheghost’sspeechridiculouslylong；andwantedtoplaytheking。Anyhow，whetherhehadthewittoutteritornot，theboastwouldhavebeenavalidone。Thebestconclusionisthateveryactorshouldsay，\"IfIcreatetheheroinmyself，Godwillsendanauthortowritehispart。\"Forinthelongruntheactorswillgettheauthors，andtheauthorstheactors，theydeserve。
GreatCatherinewasperformedforthefirsttimeattheVaudevilleTheatreinLondononthe18thNovember1913，withGertrudeKingstonasCatherine，MiriamLewesasYarinka，DorothyMassinghamasClaire，NormanMcKinnellasPatiomkin，EdmondBreonasEdstaston，AnnieHillasthePrincessDashkoff，andEugeneMayeurandF。CookeBeresfordasNaryshkinandtheSergeant。
GREATCATHERINE
THEFIRSTSCENE
1776。PatiomkininhisbureauintheWinterPalace，St。
Petersburgh。Hugepalatialapartment：style，RussiaintheeighteenthcenturyimitatingtheVersaillesduRoiSoleil。
Extravagantluxury。Alsodirtanddisorder。
Patiomkin，giganticinstatureandbuild，hisfacemarredbythelossofoneeyeandamarkedsquintintheother，sitsattheendofatablelitteredwithpapersandtheremainsofthreeorfoursuccessivebreakfasts。Hehassuppliesofcoffeeandbrandyathandsufficientforapartyoften。Hiscoat，encrustedwithdiamonds，isonthefloor。Ithasfallenoffachairplacedneartheotherendofthetablefortheconvenienceofvisitors。Hiscourtsword，withitsattachments，isonthechair。Histhree—corneredhat，alsobejewelled，isonthetable。Hehimselfishalfdressedinanunfastenedshirtandanimmensedressing—gown，oncegorgeous，nowfood—splashedanddirty，asitserveshimfortowel，handkerchief，duster，andeveryotherusetowhichatextilefabriccanbeputbyaslovenlyman。Itdoesnotconcealhishugehairychest，norhishalf—buttonedkneebreeches，norhislegs。Thesearepartlycladinsilkstockings，whichheoccasionallyhitchesuptohisknees，andpresentlyshakesdowntohisshins，byhisrestlessmovement。Hisfeetarethrustintoenormousslippers，worth，withtheircrustofjewels，severalthousandroublesapiece。
SuperficiallyPatiomkinisaviolent，brutalbarbarian，anupstartdespotofthemostintolerableanddangeroustype，ugly，lazy，anddisgustinginhispersonalhabits。YetambassadorsreporthimtheablestmaninRussia，andtheonewhocandomostwiththestillablerEmpressCatherineII，whoisnotaRussianbutaGerman，bynomeansbarbarousorintemperateinherpersonalhabits。ShenotonlydisputeswithFredericktheGreatthereputationofbeingthecleverestmonarchinEurope，butmayevenputinaveryplausibleclaimtobethecleverestandmostattractiveindividualalive。NowshenotonlytoleratesPatiomkinlongaftershehasgotoverherfirstromanticattachmenttohim，butesteemshimhighlyasacounsellorandagoodfriend。Hislovelettersareamongthebestonrecord。Hehasawildsenseofhumor，whichenableshimtolaughathimselfaswellasateverybodyelse。IntheeyesoftheEnglishvisitornowabouttobeadmittedtohispresencehemaybeanoutrageousruffian。Infactheactuallyisanoutrageousruffian，innomatterwhoseeyes；butthevisitorwillfindout，aseveryoneelsesoonerorlaterfendsout，thatheisamantobereckonedwithevenbythosewhoarenotintimidatedbyhistemper，bodilystrength，andexaltedrank。
Aprettyyounglady，Yarinka，hisfavoriteniece，isloungingonanottomanbetweenhisendofthetableandthedoor，verysulkyanddissatisfied，perhapsbecauseheispreoccupiedwithhispapersandhisbrandybottle，andshecanseenothingofhimbuthisbroadback。
Thereisascreenbehindtheottoman。
Anoldsoldier，aCossacksergeant，enters。
THESERGEANT[softlytothelady，holdingthedoorhandle]。
Littledarlinghoney，ishisHighnesstheprinceverybusy？
VARINKA。HisHighnesstheprinceisverybusy。Heissingingoutoftune；heisbitinghisnails；heisscratchinghishead；heishitchinguphisuntidystockings；heismakinghimselfdisgustingandodioustoeverybody；andheispretendingtoreadstatepapersthathedoesnotunderstandbecauseheistoolazyandselfishtotalkandbecompanionable。
PATIOMKIN[growls；thenwipeshisnosewithhisdressing—gown]！！
VARINKA。Pig。Ugh！[Shecurlsherselfupwithashiverofdisgustandretiresfromtheconversation。]
THESERGEANT[stealingacrosstothecoat，andpickingituptoreplaceitonthebackofthechair]。LittleFather，theEnglishcaptain，sohighlyrecommendedtoyoubyoldFritzofPrussia，bytheEnglishambassador，andbyMonsieurVoltaire（whom[crossinghimself]mayGodinhisinfinitemercydamneternally！），isintheantechamberanddesiresaudience。
PATIOMKIN[deliberately]。TohellwiththeEnglishcaptain；andtohellwitholdFritzofPrussia；andtohellwiththeEnglishambassador；andtohellwithMonsieurVoltaire；andtohellwithyoutoo！
THESERGEANT。Havemercyonme，LittleFather。Yourheadisbadthismorning。YoudrinktoomuchFrenchbrandyandtoolittlegoodRussiankvass。
PATIOMKIN[withsuddenfury]。Whyarevisitorsofconsequenceannouncedbyasergeant？[Springingathimandseizinghimbythethroat。]Whatdoyoumeanbythis，youhound？Doyouwantfivethousandblowsofthestick？WhereisGeneralVolkonsky？
THESERGEANT[onhisknees]。LittleFather，youkickedhisHighnessdownstairs。
PATIOMKIN[flinginghimdawnandkickinghim]。Youlie，youdog。
Youlie。
THESERGEANT。LittleFather，lifeishardforthepoor。Ifyousayitisalie，itisalie。HeFELLdownstairs。Ipickedhimup；andhekickedme。Theyallkickmewhenyoukickthem。Godknowsthatisnotjust，LittleFather！
PATIOMKIN[laughsogreishly；thenreturnstohisplaceatthetable，chuckling]！！！
VARINKA。Savage！Boot！Itisadisgrace。NowondertheFrenchsneeratusasbarbarians。
THESERGEANT[whohascreptroundthetabletothescreen，andinsinuatedhimselfbetweenPatiomkin’sbackandVarinka]。DoyouthinkthePrincewillseethecaptain，littledarling？
PATIOMKIN。Hewillnotseeanycaptain。Gotothedevil！
THESERGEANT。Bemerciful，LittleFather。Godknowsitisyourdutytoseehim！[ToVarinka。]Intercedeforhimandforme，beautifullittledarling。Hehasgivenmearouble。
PATIOMKIN。Oh，sendhimin，sendhimin；andstoppesteringme。
AmInevertohaveamoment’speace？
TheSergeantsalutesjoyfullyandhurriesout，diviningthatPatiomkinhasintendedtoseetheEnglishcaptainallalong，andhasplayedthiscomedyoffuryandexhaustedimpatiencetoconcealhisinterestinthevisitor。
VARINKA。Haveyounoshame？Yourefusetoseethemostexaltedpersons。Youkickprincesandgeneralsdownstairs。AndthenyouseeanEnglishcaptainmerelybecausehehasgivenaroubletothatcommonsoldier。Itisscandalous。
PATIOMKIN。Darlingbeloved，Iamdrunk；butIknowwhatIamdoing。IwishtostandwellwiththeEnglish。
VARINKA。AndyouthinkyouwillimpressanEnglishmanbyreceivinghimasyouarenow，halfdrunk？
PATIOMKIN[gravely]。Itistrue：theEnglishdespisemenwhocannotdrink。Imustmakemyselfwhollydrunk[hetakesahugedraughtofbrandy。]
VARINKA。Sot！
TheSergeantreturnsusheringahandsomestronglybuiltyoungEnglishofficerintheuniformofaLightDragoon。Heisevidentlyonfairlygoodtermswithhimself，andverysureofhissocialposition。HecrossestheroomtotheendofthetableoppositePatiomkin’s，andawaitsthecivilitiesofthatstatesmanwithconfidence。TheSergeantremainsprudentlyatthedoor。
THESERGEANT[paternally]。LittleFather，thisistheEnglishcaptain，sowellrecommendedtohersacredMajestytheEmpress。
Godknows，heneedsyourcountenanceandprotec——[hevanishesprecipitately，seeingthatPatiomkinisabouttothrowabottleathim。TheCaptaincontemplatesthesepreliminarieswithastonishment，andwithsomedispleasure，whichisnotallayedwhen，Patiomkin，hardlycondescendingtolookathisvisitor，ofwhomheneverthelesstakesstockwiththecornerofhisoneeye，saysgruffly]。Well？
EDSTASTON。MynameisEdstaston：CaptainEdstastonoftheLightDragoons。IhavethehonortopresenttoyourHighnessthisletterfromtheBritishambassador，whichwillgiveyouallnecessaryparticulars。[HehandsPatiomkintheletter。]
PATIOMKIN[tearingitopenandglancingatitforaboutasecond]。Whatdoyouwant？
EDSTASTON。TheletterwillexplaintoyourHighnesswhoIam。
PATIOMKIN。Idon’twanttoknowwhoyouare。Whatdoyouwant？
EDSTASTON。AnaudienceoftheEmpress。[Patiomkincontemptuouslythrowstheletteraside。Edstastonaddshotly。]Alsosomecivility，ifyouplease。
PATIOMKIN[withderision]。Ho！
VARINKA。Myuncleisreceivingyouwithunusualcivility，Captain。Hehasjustkickedageneraldownstairs。
EDSTASTON。ARussiangeneral，madam？
VARINKA。Ofcourse。
EDSTASTON。Imustallowmyselftosay，madam，thatyourunclehadbetternotattempttokickanEnglishofficerdownstairs。
PATIOMKIN。Youwantmetokickyouupstairs，eh？YouwantanaudienceoftheEmpress。
EDSTASTON。Ihavesaidnothingaboutkicking，sir。Ifitcomestothat，mybootsshallspeakforme。HerMajestyhassignifiedadesiretohavenewsoftherebellioninAmerica。Ihaveservedagainsttherebels；andIaminstructedtoplacemyselfatthedisposalofherMajesty，andtodescribetheeventsofthewartoherasaneye—witness，inadiscreetandagreeablemanner。
PATIOMKIN。Psha！Iknow。Youthinkifsheoncesetseyesonyourfaceandyouruniformyourfortuneismade。Youthinkthatifshecouldstandamanlikeme，withonlyoneeye，andacrosseyeatthat，shemustfalldownatyourfeetatfirstsight，eh？
EDSTASTON[shockedandindignant]。Ithinknothingofthesort；
andI’lltroubleyounottorepeatit。IfIwereaRussiansubjectandyoumadesuchaboastaboutmyqueen，I’dstrikeyouacrossthefacewithmysword。[Patiomkin，withayelloffury，rushesathim。]Handsoff，youswine！[AsPatiomkin，toweringoverhim，attemptstoseizehimbythethroat，Edstaston，whoisabitofawrestler，adroitlybackheelshim。Hefalls，amazed，onhisback。]
VARINKA[rushingout]。Help！Calltheguard！TheEnglishmanismurderingmyuncle！Help！Help！
TheguardandtheSergeantrushin。Edstastondrawsapairofsmallpistolsfromhisboots，andpointsoneattheSergeantandtheotheratPatiomkin，whoissittingonthefloor，somewhatsobered。Thesoldiersstandirresolute。
EDSTASTON。Standoff。[ToPatiomkin。]Orderthemoff，ifyoudon’twantabulletthroughyoursillyhead。
THESERGEANT。LittleFather，telluswhattodo。Ourlivesareyours；butGodknowsyouarenotfittodie。
PATIOMKIN[absurdlyself—possessed]。Getout。
THESERGEANT。LittleFather——
PATIOMKIN[roaring]。Getout。Getout，allofyou。[Theywithdraw，muchrelievedattheirescapefromthepistol。
Patiomkinattemptstorise，androllsover。]Here！helpmeup，willyou？Don’tyouseethatI’mdrunkandcan’tgetup？
EDSTASTON[suspiciously]。Youwanttogetholdofme。
PATIOMKIN[squattingresignedlyagainstthechaironwhichhisclotheshang]。Verywell，then：IshallstaywhereIam，becauseI’mdrunkandyou’reafraidofme。
EDSTASTON。I’mnotafraidofyou，damnyou！
PATIOMKIN[ecstatically]。Darling，yourlipsarethegatesoftruth。Nowlistentome。[Hemarksofftheitemsofhisstatementwithridiculousstiffgesturesofhisheadandarms，imitatingapuppet。]YouareCaptainWhatshisname；andyouruncleistheEarlofWhatdyecallum；andyourfatherisBishopofThingummybob；andyouareayoungmanofthehighestspr——promise（ItoldyouIwasdrunk），educatedatCambridge，andgotyourstepascaptaininthefieldattheGLORIOUSbattleofBunker’sHill。InvalidedhomefromAmericaattherequestofAuntFanny，Lady—in—WaitingtotheQueen。Allright，eh？
EDSTASTON。Howdoyouknowallthis？
PATIOMKIN[crowingfantastically]。Inerlerrer，darling，darling，darling，darling。Lerreryoushowedme。
EDSTASTON。Butyoudidn’treadit。
PATIOMKIN[flappinghisfingersathimgrotesquely]。Onlyoneeye，darling。Crosseye。Seeseverything。Readlerrerinceince—istastaneously。Kindlygivemevinegarborle。Greenborle。On’ytosoberme。Toodrunktospeakporply。Ifyouwouldbesokind，darling。Greenborle。[Edstaston，stillsuspicious，shakeshisheadandkeepshispistolsready。]Reachitmyself。
[Hereachesbehindhimuptothetable，andsnatchesatthegreenbottle，fromwhichhetakesacopiousdraught。Itseffectisappalling。HiswryfacesandagonizedbelchingsaresoheartrendingthattheyalmostupsetEdstaston。Whenthevictimatlaststaggerstohisfeet，heisapalefragilenobleman，agedandquitesober，extremelydignifiedinmannerandaddress，thoughshakenbyhisrecentconvulsions。]Youngman，itisnotbettertobedrunkthansober；butitishappier。Goodnessisnothappiness。Thatisanepigram。ButIhaveoverdonethis。Iamtoosobertobegoodcompany。Letmeredressthebalance。[Hetakesagenerousdraughtofbrandy，andrecovershisgeniality。]Aha！
That’sbetter。Andnowlisten，darling。YoumustnotcometoCourtwithpistolsinyourboots。
EDSTASTON。Ihavefoundthemuseful。
PATIOMKIN。Nonsense。I’myourfriend。YoumistookmyintentionbecauseIwasdrunk。NowthatIamsober——inmoderation——IwillprovethatIamyourfriend。Havesomediamonds。[Roaring。]Hullothere！Dogs，pigs：hullo！
TheSergeantcomesin。
THESERGEANT。Godbepraised，LittleFather：youarestillsparedtous。
PATIOMKIN。Tellthemtobringsomediamonds。Plentyofdiamonds。
Andrubies。Getout。[HeaimsakickattheSergeant，whoflees。]
Putupyourpistols，darling。I’llgiveyouapairwithgoldhandgrips。Iamyourfriend。
EDSTASTON[replacingthepistolsinhisbootsratherunwillingly]。YourHighnessunderstandsthatifIammissing，orifanythinghappenstome，therewillbetrouble。
PATIOMKIN[enthusiastically]。Callmedarling。
EDSTASTON。ItisnottheEnglishcustom。
PATIOMKIN。Youhavenohearts，youEnglish！[Slappinghisrightbreast。]Heart！Heart！
EDSTASTON。Pardon，yourHighness：yourheartisontheotherside。
PATIOMKIN[surprisedandimpressed]。Isit？Youarelearned！Youareadoctor！YouEnglisharewonderful！Wearebarbarians，drunkenpigs。Catherinedoesnotknowit；butweare。Catherine’saGerman。ButIhavegivenheraRussianheart[heisabouttoslaphimselfagain。]
EDSTASTON[delicately]。Theotherside，yourHighness。
PATIOMKIN[maudlin]。Darling，atrueRussianhasaheartonbothsides。
TheSergeantenterscarryingagobletfilledwithpreciousstones。
PATIOMKIN。Getout。[HesnatchesthegobletandkickstheSergeantout，notmaliciouslybutfromhabit，indeednotnoticingthathedoesit。]Darling，havesomediamonds。Haveafistful。
[Hetakesupahandfulandletsthemslipbackthroughhisfingersintothegoblet，whichhethenofferstoEdstaston。]
EDSTASTON。Thankyou，Idon’ttakepresents。
PATIOMKIN[amazed]。Yourefuse！
EDSTASTON。IthankyourHighness；butitisnotthecustomforEnglishgentlementotakepresentsofthatkind。
PATIOMKIN。AreyoureallyanEnglishman？
EDSTASTON[bows]！
PATIOMKIN。YouarethefirstEnglishmanIeversawrefuseanythinghecouldget。[Heputsthegobletonthetable；thenturnsagaintoEdstaston。]Listen，darling。Youareawrestler：asplendidwrestler。Youthrewmeonmybacklikemagic，thoughI
couldliftyouwithonehand。Darling，youareagiant，apaladin。
EDSTASTON[complacently]。WewrestleratherwellinmypartofEngland。
PATIOMKIN。IhaveaTurkwhoisawrestler：aprisonerofwar。
Youshallwrestlewithhimforme。I’llstakeamillionroublesonyou。
EDSTASTON[incensed]。Damnyou！doyoutakemeforaprize—fighter？Howdareyoumakemesuchaproposal？
PATIOMKIN[withwoundedfeeling]。Darling，thereisnopleasingyou。Don’tyoulikeme？
EDSTASTON[mollified]。Well，inasortofwayIdo；thoughI
don’tknowwhyIshould。ButmyinstructionsarethatIamtoseetheEmpress；and——
PATIOMKIN。Darling，youshallseetheEmpress。Agloriouswoman，thegreatestwomanintheworld。Butlemmegiveyoupiece’vice——
pah！stilldrunk。Theywatermyvinegar。[Heshakeshimself；
clearshisthroat；andresumessoberly。]IfCatherinetakesafancytoyou，youmayaskforroubles，diamonds，palaces，titles，orders，anything！andyoumayaspiretoeverything：
field—marshal，admiral，minister，whatyouplease——exceptTsar。
EDSTASTON。ItellyouIdon’twanttoaskforanything。DoyousupposeIamanadventurerandabeggar？
PATIOMKIN[plaintively]。Whynot，darling？Iwasanadventurer。I
wasabeggar。
EDSTASTON。Oh，you！
PATIOMKIN。Well：what’swrongwithme？
EDSTASTON。YouareaRussian。That’sdifferent。
PATIOMKIN[effusively]。Darling，Iamaman；andyouareaman；
andCatherineisawoman。Womanreducesusalltothecommondenominator。[Chuckling。]Againanepigram！[Gravely。]Youunderstandit，Ihope。Haveyouhadacollegeeducation，darling？
Ihave。
EDSTASTON。Certainly。IamaBachelorofArts。
PATIOMKIN。Itisenoughthatyouareabachelor，darling：
Catherinewillsupplythearts。Aha！Anotherepigram！Iamintheveintoday。
EDSTASTON[embarrassedandalittleoffended]。ImustaskyourHighnesstochangethesubject。AsavisitorinRussia，IamtheguestoftheEmpress；andImusttellyouplainlythatIhaveneithertherightnorthedispositiontospeaklightlyofherMajesty。
PATIOMKIN。Youhaveconscientiousscruples？
EDSTASTON。Ihavethescruplesofagentleman。
PATIOMKIN。InRussiaagentlemanhasnoscruples。InRussiawefacefacts。
EDSTASTON。InEngland，sir，agentlemanneverfacesanyfactsiftheyareunpleasantfacts。
PATIOMKIN。Inreallife，darling，allfactsareunpleasant。
[Greatlypleasedwithhimself。]Anotherepigram！Whereismyaccursedchancellor？thesegemsshouldbewrittendownandrecordedforposterity。[Herushestothetable：sitsdown：andsnatchesupapen。Then，recollectinghimself。]ButIhavenotaskedyoutositdown。[Herisesandgoestotheotherchair。]I
amasavage：abarbarian。[Hethrowstheshirtandcoatoverthetableontothefloorandputshisswordonthetable。]Beseated，Captain。
EDSTASTONThankyou。
Theybowtooneanotherceremoniously。Patiomkin’stendencytogrotesqueexaggerationcostshimhisbalance；henearlyfallsoverEdstaston，whorescueshimandtakestheprofferedchair。
PATIOMKIN[resuminghisseat]。Bytheway，whatwasthepieceofadviceIwasgoingtogiveyou？
EDSTASTON。Asyoudidnotgiveit，Idon’tknow。AllowmetoaddthatIhavenotaskedforyouradvice。
PATIOMKIN。Igiveittoyouunasked，delightfulEnglishman。I
rememberitnow。Itwasthis。Don’ttrytobecomeTsarofRussia。
EDSTASTON[inastonishment]。Ihaven’ttheslightestintention——
PATIOMKIN。Notnow；butyouwillhave：takemywordsforit。Itwillstrikeyouasasplendidideatohaveconscientiousscruples——todesiretheblessingoftheChurchonyourunionwithCatherine。
EDSTASTON[racinginutteramazement]。MyunionwithCatherine！
You’remad。
PATIOMKIN[unmoved]。Thedayyouhintatsuchathingwillbethedayofyourdownfall。Besides，itisnotluckytobeCatherine’shusband。YouknowwhathappenedtoPeter？
EDSTASTON[shortly；sittingdownagain]。Idonotwishtodiscussit。
PATIOMKIN。Youthinkshemurderedhim？
EDSTASTON。Iknowthatpeoplehavesaidso。
PATIOMKIN[thunderously；springingtohisfeet]。Itisalie：
Orloffmurderedhim。[Subsidingalittle。]Healsoknockedmyeyeout；but[sittingdownplacidly]Isucceededhimforallthat。
And[pattingEdstaston’shandveryaffectionately]I’msorrytosay，darling，thatifyoubecomeTsar，Ishallmurderyou。
EDSTASTON[ironicallyreturningthecaress]。Thankyou。Theoccasionwillnotarise。[Rising。]IhavethehonortowishyourHighnessgoodmorning。
PATIOMKIN[jumpingupandstoppinghimonhiswaytothedoor]。
Tuttut！I’mgoingtotakeyoutotheEmpressnow，thisveryinstant。
EDSTASTON。Intheseboots？Impossible！Imustchange。
PATIOMKIN。Nonsense！Youshallcomejustasyouare。Youshallshowheryourcalveslateron。
EDSTASTON。Butitwilltakemeonlyhalfanhourto——
PATIOMKIN。Inhalfanhouritwillbetoolateforthepetitlever。Comealong。Damnit，man，ImustobligetheBritishambassador，andtheFrenchambassador，andoldFritz，andMonsieurVoltaireandtherestofthem。[Heshoutsrudelytothedoor。]Varinka！[ToEdstaston，withtearsinhisvoice。]Varinkashallpersuadeyou：nobodycanrefuseVarinkaanything。Myniece。
Atreasure，Iassureyou。Beautiful！devoted！fascinating！
[Shoutingagain。]Varinka，wherethedevilareyou？
VARINKA[returning]。I’llnotbeshoutedfor。Youhavethevoiceofabear，andthemannersofatinker。
PATIOMKIN。Tsh—sh—sh。LittleangelMother：youmustbehaveyourselfbeforetheEnglishcaptain。[Hetakesoffhisdressing—gownandthrowsitoverthepapersandthebreakfasts：
picksuphiscoat：anddisappearsbehindthescreentocompletehistoilette。]
EDSTASTON。Madam！[Hebows。]
VARINKA[courtseying]。MonsieurleCapitaine！
EDSTASTON。ImustapologizeforthedisturbanceImade，madam。
PATIOMKIN[behindthescreen]。Youmustnotcallhermadam。YoumustcallherLittleMother，andbeautifuldarling。
EDSTASTON。Myrespectfortheladywillnotpermitit。
VARINKA。Respect！Howcanyourespectthenieceofasavage？
EDSTASTON[deprecatingly]。Oh，madam！
VARINKA。Heavenismywitness，LittleEnglishFather，weneedsomeonewhoisnotafraidofhim。Heissostrong！Ihopeyouwillthrowhimdownonthefloormany，many，manytimes。
PATIOMKIN[behindthescreen]。Varinka！
VARINKA。Yes？
PATIOMKIN。GoandlookthroughthekeyholeoftheImperialbed—chamber；andbringmewordwhethertheEmpressisawakeyet。
VARINKA。Fidonc！Idonotlookthroughkeyholes。
PATIOMKIN[emerging，havingarrangedhisshirtandputonhisdiamondedcoat]。Youhavebeenbadlybroughtup，littledarling。
Wouldanyladyorgentlemanwalkunannouncedintoaroomwithoutfirstlookingthroughthekeyhole？[Takinghisswordfromthetableandputtingiton。]Thegreatthinginlifeistobesimple；andtheperfectlysimplethingistolookthroughkeyholes。Anotherepigram：thefifththismorning！Whereismyfoolofachancellor？WhereisPopof？
EDSTASTON[chokingwithsuppressedlaughter]！！！！
PATIOMKIN[gratified]。Darling，youappreciatemyepigram。
EDSTASTON。Excuseme。Popoff！Ha！ha！Ican’thelplaughing：
What’shisrealname，bytheway，incaseImeethim？
VARINKA[surprised]。Hisrealname？Popof，ofcourse。Whydoyoulaugh，LittleFather？
EDSTASTON。Howcananyonewithasenseofhumorhelplaughing？
Popoff！[Heisconvulsed。]
VARINKA[lookingatheruncle，tapsherforeheadsignificantly]！！
PATIOMKIN[asidetoVarinka]。No：onlyEnglish。HewillamuseCatherine。[ToEdstaston。]Come，youshalltellthejoketotheEmpress：sheisbywayofbeingahumorist[hetakeshimbythearm，andleadshimtowardsthedoor]。
EDSTASTON[resisting]。No，really。Iamnotfit——
PATIOMKIN。Persuadehim，LittleangelMother。
VARINKA[takinghisotherarm]。Yes，yes，yes。LittleEnglishFather：GodknowsitisyourdutytobebraveandwaitontheEmpress。Come。
EDSTASTON。No。Ihadrather——
PATIOMKIN[haulinghimalong]。Come。
VARINKA[pullinghimandcoaxinghim]。Come，littlelove：youcan’trefuseme。
EDSTASTON。ButhowcanI？
PATIOMKIN。Whynot？Shewon’teatyou。
VARINKA。Shewill；butyoumustcome。
EDSTASTON。Iassureyou——itisquiteoutofthequestion——myclothes——
VARINKA。Youlookperfect。
PATIOMKIN。Comealong，darling。
EDSTASTON[struggling]。Impossible——
VARINKA。Come，come，come。
EDSTASTON。No。Believeme——Idon’twish——I——
VARINKA。Carryhim，uncle。
PATIOMKIN[liftinghiminhisarmslikeafathercarryingalittleboy]。Yes：I’llcarryyou。
EDSTASTON。Dashitall，thisisridiculous！
VARINKA[seizinghisanklesanddancingasheiscarriedout]。
Youmustcome。Ifyoukickyouwillblackenmyeyes。
PATIOMKIN。Come，baby，come。
Bythistimetheyhavemadetheirwaythroughthedoorandareoutofhearing。
THESECONDSCENE
TheEmpress’spetitlever。Thecentraldoorsareclosed。Thosewhoenterthroughthemfindontheirleft，onadaisoftwobroadsteps，amagnificentcurtainedbed。BeyonditadoorinthepanellingleadstotheEmpress’scabinet。Nearthefootofthebed，inthemiddleoftheroom，standsagiltchair，withtheImperialarmscarvedandtheImperialmonogramembroidered。
TheCourtisinattendance，standingintwomelancholyrowsdownthesideoftheroomoppositetothebed，solemn，bored，waitingfortheEmpresstoawaken。ThePrincessDashkoff，withtwoladies，standsalittleinfrontofthelineofcourtiers，bytheImperialchair。Silence，brokenonlybytheyawnsandwhispersofthecourtiers。Naryshkin，theChamberlain，standsbytheheadofthebed。
Aloudyawnisheardfrombehindthecurtains。
NARYSHKIN[holdingupawarninghand]。Ssh！
Thecourtiershastilyceasewhispering：dressuptheirlines：andstiffen。Deadsilence。Abelltinkleswithinthecurtains。
NaryshkinandthePrincesssolemnlydrawthemandrevealtheEmpress。
Catherineturnsoveronherback，andstretchesherself。
CATHERINE[yawning]。Heigho——ah——yah——ah——ow——whato’clockisit？
[HeraccentisGerman。]
NARYSHKIN[formally]。HerImperialMajestyisawake。[TheCourtfallsonitsknees。]
ALL。GoodmorningtoyourMajesty。
NARYSHKIN。Half—pastten，LittleMother。
CATHERINE[sittingupabruptly]。Potztausend！[Contemplatingthekneelingcourtiers。]Oh，getup，getup。[Allrise。]Youretiquetteboresme。Iamhardlyawakeinthemorningbeforeitbegins。[Yawningagain，andrelapsingsleepilyagainstherpillows。]Whydotheydoit，Naryshkin？
NARYSHKIN。Godknowsitisnotforyoursake，LittleMother。Butyouseeifyouwerenotagreatqueentheywouldallbenobodies。
CATHERINE[sittingup]。Theymakemedoittokeepuptheirownlittledignities？So？
NARYSHKIN。Exactly。Alsobecauseiftheydidn’tyoumighthavethemflogged，dearLittleMother。
CATHERINE[springingenergeticallyoutofbedandseatingherselfontheedgeofit]。Flogged！I！ALiberalEmpress！Aphilosopher！
Youareabarbarian，Naryshkin。[Sherisesandturnstothecourtiers。]Andthen，asifIcared！[SheturnsagaintoNaryshkin。]YoushouldknowbythistimethatIamfrankandoriginalincharacter，likeanEnglishman。[Shewalksaboutrestlessly。]No：whatmaddensmeaboutallthisceremonyisthatIamtheonlypersoninRussiawhogetsnofunoutofmybeingEmpress。Youallgloryinme：youbaskinmysmiles：yougettitlesandhonorsandfavorsfromme：youaredazzledbymycrownandmyrobes：youfeelsplendidwhenyouhavebeenadmittedtomypresence；andwhenIsayagraciouswordtoyou，youtalkaboutittoeveryoneyoumeetforaweekafterwards。ButwhatdoIgetoutofit？Nothing。[Shethrowsherselfintothechair。Naryshkindeprecateswithagesture；shehurlsanemphaticrepetitionathim。]Nothing！！Iwearacrownuntilmyneckaches：IstandlookingmajesticuntilIamreadytodrop：Ihavetosmileatuglyoldambassadorsandfrownandturnmybackonyoungandhandsomeones。Nobodygivesmeanything。WhenIwasonlyanArchduchess，theEnglishambassadorusedtogivememoneywheneverIwantedit——orratherwheneverhewantedtogetanythingoutofmysacredpredecessorElizabeth[theCourtbowstotheground]；butnowthatIamEmpresshenevergivesmeakopek。WhenIhaveheadachesandcolicsIenvythescullerymaids。
Andyouarenotabitgratefultomeforallmycareofyou，mywork，mythought，myfatigue，mysufferings。
THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF。Godknows，LittleMother，weallimploreyoutogiveyourwonderfulbrainarest。Thatiswhyyougetheadaches。MonsieurVoltairealsohasheadaches。Hisbrainisjustlikeyours。
CATHERINE。Dashkoff，whataliaryouare！[Dashkoffcurtsieswithimpressivedignity。]Andyouthinkyouareflatteringme！LetmetellyouIwouldnotgivearoubletohavethebrainsofallthephilosophersinFrance。Whatisourbusinessfortoday？
NARYSHKIN。Thenewmuseum，LittleMother。Butthemodelwillnotbereadyuntiltonight。
CATHERINE[risingeagerly]。Yes，themuseum。Anenlightenedcapitalshouldhaveamuseum。[Shepacesthechamberwithadeepsenseoftheimportanceofthemuseum。]Itshallbeoneofthewondersoftheworld。Imusthavespecimens：specimens，specimens，specimens。
NARYSHKIN。Youareinhighspiritsthismorning，LittleMother。
CATHERINE[withsuddenlevity。]Iamalwaysinhighspirits，evenwhenpeopledonotbringmemyslippers。[Sherunstothechairandsitsdown，thrustingherfeetout。]
Thetwoladiesrushtoherfeet，eachcarryingaslipper。
Catherine，abouttoputherfeetintothem，ischeckedbyadisturbanceintheantechamber。
PATIOMKIN[carryingEdstastonthroughtheantechamber]。Uselesstostruggle。Comealong，beautifulbabydarling。CometoLittleMother。[Hesings。]
Marchhimbaby，Baby，baby，Lit—tleba—bybumpkins。
VARINKA[joiningintothesamedoggerelincanon，athirdabove]。Marchhim，baby，etc。，etc。
EDSTASTON[tryingtomakehimselfheard]。No，no。Thisiscarryingajoketoofar。Imustinsist。Letmedown！Hangit，willyouletmedown！Confoundit！No，no。Stopplayingthefool，willyou？Wedon’tunderstandthissortofthinginEngland。I
shallbedisgraced。Letmedown。
CATHERINE[meanwhile]。Whatahorriblenoise！Naryshkin，seewhatitis。
Naryshkingoestothedoor。
CATHERINE[listening]。ThatisPrincePatiomkin。
NARYSHKIN[callingfromthedoor]。LittleMother，astranger。
Catherineplungesintobedagainandcoversherselfup。