Patiomkin，followedbyVarinka，carriesEdstastonin：dumpshimdownonthefootofthebed：andstaggerspastittothecabinetdoor。Varinkajoinsthecourtiersattheoppositesideoftheroom。Catherine，blazingwithwrath，pushesEdstastonoffherbedontothefloor：getsoutofbed：andturnsonPatiomkinwithsoterribleanexpressionthatallkneeldownhastilyexceptEdstaston，whoissprawlingonthecarpetinangryconfusion。
CATHERINE。Patiomkin，howdareyou？[LookingatEdstaston。]Whatisthis？
PATIOMKIN[onhisknees，tearfully]。Idon’tknow。Iamdrunk。
Whatisthis，Varinka？
EDSTASTON[scramblingtohisfeet]。Madam，thisdrunkenruffian——
PATIOMKIN。Thastrue。Drungnruffian。Tookdvantageofmybeingdrunk。Said：takemetoLilangelMother。TakemetobeauflEmpress。Takemetothegrea’stwomanonearth。Thaswhashehesaid。Itookhim。Iwaswrong。Iamnotsober。
CATHERINE。MenhavegrownsoberinSiberiaforless，Prince。
PATIOMKIN。Serveemright！Sgustinghabit。AskVarinka。
CatherineturnsherfacefromhimtotheCourt。Thecourtiersseethatsheistryingnottolaugh，andknowbyexperiencethatshewillnotsucceed。Theyrise，relievedandgrinning。
VARINKA。Itistrue。Hedrinkslikeapig。
PATIOMKIN[plaintively]。No：notlikepig。Likeprince。LilMothermadepoorPatiomkinprince。WhasusebeingprinceifI
mayn’tdrink？
CATHERINE[bitingherlips]。Go。Iamoffended。
PATIOMKIN。Don’tscold，LilMother。
CATHERINE[imperiously]。Go。
PATIOMKIN[risingunsteadily]。Yes：go。Gobyebye。Verysleepy。
BerrgobyebyethangoSiberia。GobyebyeinLilMother’sbed[hepretendstomakeanattempttogetintothebed]。
CATHERINE[energeticallypullinghimback]。No，no！Patiomkin！
Whatareyouthinkingof？[Hefallslikealogonthefloor，apparentlydeaddrunk。]
THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF。Scandalous！AninsulttoyourImperialMajesty！
CATHERINE。Dashkoff：youhavenosenseofhumor。[ShestepsdowntothedoorlevelandlooksindulgentlyatPatiomkin。Hegurglesbrutishly。Shehasanimpulseofdisgust。]Hog。[Shekickshimashardasshecan。]Oh！Youhavebrokenmytoe。Brute。Beast。
Dashkoffisquiteright。Doyouhear？
PATIOMKIN。Ifyouaskmypi—pinionofDashkoff，mypipinionisthatDashkoffisdrunk。Scanlous。PoorPatiomkingobyebye。[Herelapsesintodrunkenslumbers。]
Someofthecourtiersmovetocarryhimaway。
CATHERINE[stoppingthem]。Lethimlie。Lethimsleepitoff。Ifhegoesoutitwillbetoatavernandlowcompanyfortherestoftheday。[Indulgently。]There！[Shetakesapillowfromthebedandputsitunderhishead：thenturnstoEdstaston：surveyshimwithperfectdignity：andasks，inherqueenliestmanner。]
Varinka，whoisthisgentleman？
VARINKA。Aforeigncaptain：Icannotpronouncehisname。Ithinkheismad。HecametothePrinceandsaidhemustseeyourMajesty。Hecantalkofnothingelse。Wecouldnotpreventhim。
EDSTASTON[overwhelmedbythisapparentbetrayal]。Oh！Madam：I
amperfectlysane：IamactuallyanEnglishman。IshouldneverhavedreamtofapproachingyourMajestywithoutthefullestcredentials。IhavelettersfromtheEnglishambassador，fromthePrussianambassador。[Naively。]ButeverybodyassuredmethatPrincePatiomkmisall—powerfulwithyourMajesty；soInaturallyappliedtohim。
PATIOMKIN[interruptstheconversationbyanagonizedwheezinggroanasofadonkeybeginningtobray]！！！
CATHERINE[likeafishfag]。Schweig，duHund。[Resumingherimpressiveroyalmanner。]Haveyouneverbeentaught，sir，howagentlemanshouldenterthepresenceofasovereign？
EDSTASTON。Yes，Madam；butIdidnotenteryourpresence：Iwascarried。
CATHERINE。ButyousayyouaskedthePrincetocarryyou。
EDSTASTON。Certainlynot，Madam。Iprotestedagainstitwithallmymight。Iappealtothisladytoconfirmme。
VARINKA[pretendingtobeindignant]。Yes，youprotested。But，allthesame，youwereveryveryveryanxioustoseeherImperialMajesty。YoublushedwhenthePrincespokeofher。Youthreatenedtostrikehimacrossthefacewithyourswordbecauseyouthoughthedidnotspeakenthusiasticallyenoughofher。[ToCatherine。]
Trustme：hehasseenyourImperialMajestybefore。
CATHERINE[toEdstaston]。Youhaveseenusbefore？
EDSTASTON。Atthereview，Madam。
VARINKA[triumphantly]。Aha！Iknewit。YourMajestyworethehussaruniform。Hesawhowradiant！howsplendid！yourMajestylooked。Oh！hehasdaredtoadmireyourMajesty。Suchinsolenceisnottobeendured。
EDSTASTON。AllEuropeisapartytothatinsolence，Madam。
THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF。AllEuropeiscontenttodosoatarespectfuldistance。ItispossibletoadmireherMajesty’spolicyandhereminenceinliteratureandphilosophywithoutperformingacrobaticfeatsintheImperialbed。
EDSTASTON。IknownothingaboutherMajesty’seminenceinpolicyorphilosophy：Idon’tpretendtounderstandsuchthings。Ispeakasapracticalman。AndIneverknewthatforeignershadanypolicy：IalwaysthoughtthatpolicywasMr。Pitt’sbusiness。
CATHERINE[liftinghereyebrows]。So？
VARINKA。WhatelsedidyoupresumetoadmireherMajestyfor，pray？
EDSTASTON[addled]。Well，I——I——I——thatis，I——[Hestammershimselfdumb。]
CATHERINE[afterapitilesssilence]。Wearewaitingforyouranswer。
EDSTASTON。ButIneversaidIadmiredyourMajesty。Theladyhastwistedmywords。
VARINKA。Youdon’tadmireher，then？
EDSTASTON。Well，I——naturally——ofcourse，Ican’tdenythattheuniformwasverybecoming——perhapsalittleunfeminine——still—
Deadsilence。CatherineandtheCourtwatchhimstonily。Heiswretchedlyembarrassed。
CATHERINE[withcoldmajesty]。Well，sir：isthatallyouhavetosay？
EDSTASTON。Surelythereisnoharminnoticingthater——thater——
[Hestopsagain。]
CATHERINE。Noticingthater——？[Hegazesather，speechless，likeafascinatedrabbit。Sherepeatsfiercely。]Thater——？
EDSTASTON[startledintospeech]。Well，thatyourMajestywas——
was——[soothingly]Well，letmeputitthisway：thatitwasrathernaturalforamantoadmireyourMajestywithoutbeingaphilosopher。
CATHERINE[suddenlysmilingandextendingherhandtohimtobekissed]。Courtier！
EDSTASTON[kissingit]。Notatall。YourMajestyisverygood。I
havebeenveryawkward；butIdidnotintendit。Iamratherstupid，Iamafraid。
CATHERINE。Stupid！Bynomeans。Courage，Captain：wearepleased。
[Hefallsonhisknee。Shetakeshischeeksinherhands：turnsuphisface：andadds]Wearegreatlypleased。[Sheslapshischeekcoquettishly：hebowsalmosttohisknee。]Thepetitleverisover。[Sheturnstogointothecabinet，andstumblesagainstthesupinePatiomkin。]Ach！[Edstastonspringstoherassistance，seizingPatiomkin’sheelsandshiftinghimoutoftheEmpress’spath。]Wethankyou，Captain。
Hebowsgallantlyandisrewardedbyaverygracioussmile。ThenCatherinegoesintohercabinet，followedbytheprincessDashkoff，whoturnsatthedoortomakeadeepcourtseytoEdstaston。
VARINKA。HappyLittleFather！Remember：Ididthisforyou。[SherunsoutaftertheEmpress。]
Edstaston，somewhatdazed，crossestheroomtothecourtiers，andisreceivedwithmarkeddeference，eachcourtiermakinghimaprofoundboworcurtseybeforewithdrawingthroughthecentraldoors。Hereturnseachobeisancewithanervousjerk，andturnsawayfromit，onlytofindanothercourtierbowingattheotherside。Theprocessfinallyreducedhimtodistraction，ashebumpsintooneintheactofbowingtoanotherandthenhastobowhisapologies。ButatlasttheyareallgoneexceptNaryshkin。
EDSTASTON。Ouf！
PATIOMKIN[jumpingupvigorously]。Youhavedoneit，darling。
Superbly！Beautifully！
EDSTASTON[astonished]。Doyoumeantosayyouarenotdrunk？
PATIOMKIN。Notdeaddrunk，darling。Onlydiplomaticallydrunk。Asadrunkenhog，IhavedoneforyouinfiveminuteswhatIcouldnothavedoneinfivemonthsasasoberman。Yourfortuneismade。Shelikesyou。
EDSTASTON。Thedevilshedoes！
PATIOMKIN。Why？Aren’tyoudelighted？
EDSTASTON。Delighted！Graciousheavens，man，Iamengagedtobemarried。
PATIOMKIN。Whatmatter？SheisinEngland，isn’tshe？
EDSTASTON。No。ShehasjustarrivedinSt。Petersburg。
THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF[returning]。CaptainEdstaston，theEmpressisrobed，andcommandsyourpresence。
EDSTASTON。SayIwasgonebeforeyouarrivedwiththemessage。
[Hehurriesout。Theotherthree，tootakenabacktostophim，stareafterhimintheutmostastonishment。]
NARYSHKIN[turningfromthedoor]。Shewillhavehimknouted。Heisadeadman。
THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF。ButwhatamItodo？IcannottakesuchananswertotheEmpress。
PATIOMKIN。P—P—P—P—P—P—W—W—W—W—W—rrrrrr[alongpuff，turningintoagrowl]！[Hespits。]Imustkicksomebody。
NARYSHKIN[flyingprecipitatelythroughthecentraldoors]。No，no。Please。
THEPRINCESSDASHKOFF[throwingherselfrecklesslyinfrontofPatiomkinashestartsinpursuitoftheChamberlain]。Kickme。
Disableme。Itwillbeanexcusefornotgoingbacktoher。Kickmehard。
PATIOMKIN。Yah！[HeflingsheronthebedanddashesafterNaryshkin。]
THETHIRDSCENE
InaterracegardenoverlookingtheNeva。Claire，arobustyoungEnglishlady，isleaningontheriverwall。Sheturnsexpectantlyonhearingthegardengateopenedandclosed。Edstastonhurriesin。Withacryofdelightshethrowsherarmsroundhisneck。
CLAIRE。Darling！
EDSTASTON[makingawryface]。Don’tcallmedarling。
CLAIRE[amazedandchilled]。Why？
EDSTASTON。Ihavebeencalleddarlingallthemorning。
CLAIRE[withaflashofjealousy]。Bywhom？
EDSTASTON。Byeverybody。Bythemostunutterableswine。Andifwedonotleavethisabominablecitynow：doyouhear？now；IshallbecalleddarlingbytheEmpress。
CLAIRE[withmagnificentsnobbery]。Shewouldnotdare。Didyoutellheryouwereengagedtome？
EDSTASTON。Ofcoursenot。
CLAIRE。Why？
EDSTASTON。BecauseIdidn’tparticularlywanttohaveyouknouted，andtobehangedorsenttoSiberiamyself。
CLAIRE。Whatonearthdoyoumean？
EDSTASTON。Well，thelongandshortofitis——don’tthinkmeacoxcomb，Claire：itistooserioustomincematters——IhaveseentheEmpress；and——
CLAIRE。Well，youwantedtoseeher。
EDSTASTON。Yes；buttheEmpresshasseenme。
CLAIRE。Shehasfalleninlovewithyou！
EDSTASTON。Howdidyouknow？
CLAIRE。Dearest：asifanyonecouldhelpit。
EDSTASTON。Oh，don’tmakemefeellikeafool。But，thoughitdoessoundconceitedtosayit，IflattermyselfI’mbetterlookingthanPatiomkinandtheotherhogssheisaccustomedto。
Anyhow，Idaren’triskstaying。
CLAIRE。Whatanuisance！Mammawillbefuriousathavingtopack，andatmissingtheCourtballthisevening。
EDSTASTON。Ican’thelpthat。Wehaven’tamomenttolose。
CLAIRE。MayItellhershewillbeknoutedifwestay？
EDSTASTON。Do，dearest。
Hekissesherandletshergo，expectinghertorunintothehouse。
CLAIRE[pausingthoughtfully]。Isshe——isshegood—lookingwhenyouseeherclose？
EDSTASTON。Notapatchonyou，dearest。
CLAIRE[jealous]。Thenyoudidseeherclose？
EDSTASTON。Fairlyclose。
CLAIRE。Indeed！Howclose？No：that’ssillyofme：Iwilltellmamma。[SheisgoingoutwhenNaryshkinenterswiththeSergeantandasquadofsoldiers。]Whatdoyouwanthere？
TheSergeantgoestoEdstaston：plumpsdownonhisknees：andtakesoutamagnificentpairofpistolswithgoldgrips。HeproffersthemtoEdstaston，holdingthembythebarrels。
NARYSHKIN。CaptainEdstaston：hisHighnessPrincePatiomkinsendsyouthepistolshepromisedyou。
THESERGEANT。Takethem，LittleFather；anddonotforgetuspoorsoldierswhohavebroughtthemtoyou；forGodknowswegetbutlittletodrink。
EDSTASTON[irresolutely]。ButIcan’ttakethesevaluablethings。
ByJiminy，though，they’rebeautiful！Lookatthem，Claire。
AsheistakingthepistolsthekneelingSergeantsuddenlydropsthem；flingshimselfforward；andembracesEdstaston’shipstopreventhimfromdrawinghisownpistolsfromhisboots。
THESERGEANT。Layholdofhimthere。Pinhisarms。Ihavehispistols。[ThesoldiersseizeEdstaston。]
EDSTASTON。Ah，wouldyou，damnyou！[HedriveshiskneeintotheSergeant’sepigastrium，andstrugglesfuriouslywithhiscaptors。]
THESERGEANT[rollingontheground，gaspingandgroaning]。Owgh！
Murder！HolyNicholas！Owwwgh！
CLAIRE。Help！help！TheyarekillingCharles。Help！
NARYSHKIN[seizingherandclappinghishandoverhermouth]。Tiehimneckandcrop。Tenthousandblowsofthestickifyoulethimgo。[Clairetwistsherselfloose：turnsonhim：andcuffshimfuriously。]Yow——ow！Havemercy，LittleMother。
CLAIRE。Youwretch！Help！Help！Police！Wearebeingmurdered。
Help！
TheSergeant，whohasrisen，comestoNaryshkin’srescue，andgraspsClaire’shands，enablingNaryshkintogagheragain。BythistimeEdstastonandhiscaptorsareallrollingonthegroundtogether。TheygetEdstastononhisbackandfastenhiswriststogetherbehindhisknees。Nexttheyputabroadstraproundhisribs。Finallytheypassapolethroughthisbreaststrapandthroughthewaiststrapandlifthimbyit，helplesslytrussedup，tocarryhimof。Meanwhileheisbynomeanssufferinginsilence。
EDSTASTON[gasping]。Youshallhearmoreofthis。Damnyou，willyouuntieme？Iwillcomplaintotheambassador。IwillwritetotheGazette。EnglandwillblowyourtrumperylittlefleetoutofthewaterandsweepyourtinpotarmyintoSiberiaforthis。Willyouletmego？Damnyou！Curseyou！Whatthedevildoyoumeanbyit？I’ll——I’ll——I’ll——[heiscarriedoutofhearing]。
NARYSHKIN[snatchinghishandsfromClaire’sfacewithascream，andshakinghisfingerfrantically]。Agh！[TheSergeant，amazed，letsgoherhands。]Shehasbittenme，thelittlevixen。
CLAIRE[spittingandwipinghermouthdisgustedly]。Howdareyouputyourdirtypawsonmymouth？Ugh！Psha！
THESERGEANT。Bemerciful，LittleangelMother。
CLAIRE。Donotpresumetocallmeyourlittleangelmother。Wherearethepolice？
NARYSHKIN。WearethepoliceinStPetersburg，littlespitfire。
THESERGEANT。Godknowswehavenoorderstoharmyou，LittleMother。Ourdutyisdone。Youarewellandstrong；butIshallneverbethesamemanagain。Heisamightyandterriblefighter，asstoutasabear。Hehasbrokenmysweetbreadwithhisstrongknees。Godknowspoorfolkshouldnotbesetuponsuchdangerousadversaries！
CLAIRE。Serveyouright！WherehavetheytakenCaptainEdstastonto？
NARYSHKIN[spitefully]。TotheEmpress，littlebeauty。HehasinsultedtheEmpress。Hewillreceiveahundredandoneblowsoftheknout。[Helaughsandgoesout，nursinghisbittenfinger。]
THESERGEANT。Hewillfeelonlythefirsttwentyandhewillbemercifullydeadlongbeforetheend，littledarling。
CLAIRE[sustainedbyaninvinciblesnobbery]。TheydarenottouchanEnglishofficer。IwillgototheEmpressmyself：shecannotknowwhoCaptainEdstastonis——whoweare。
THESERGEANT。DosointhenameoftheHolyNicholas，littlebeauty。
CLAIRE。Don’tbeimpertinent。HowcanIgetadmissiontothepalace？
THESERGEANT。Everybodygoesinandoutofthepalace，littlelove。
CLAIRE。ButImustgetintotheEmpress’spresence。Imustspeaktoher。
THESERGEANT。Youshall，dearLittleMother。YoushallgivethepooroldSergeantarouble；andtheblessedNicholaswillmakeyoursalvationhischarge。
CLAIRE[impetuously]。Iwillgiveyou[sheisabouttosayfiftyroubles，butchecksherselfcautiously]——Well：Idon’tmindgivingyoutworoublesifIcanspeaktotheEmpress。
THESERGEANT[joyfully]。IpraiseHeavenforyou，LittleMother。
Come。[Heleadsthewayout。]Itwasthetemptationofthedevilthatledyouryoungmantobruisemyvitalsanddeprivemeofbreath。Wemustbemercifultooneanother’sfaults。
THEFOURTHSCENE
Atriangularrecesscommunicatingbyaheavilycurtainedarchwiththehugeballroomofthepalace。Thelightissubduedbyredshadesonthecandles。Inthewalladjoiningthatpiercedbythearchisadoor。Theonlypieceoffurnitureisaveryhandsomechaironthearchside。Intheballroomtheyaredancingapolonaisetothemusicofabrassband。
Naryshkinentersthroughthedoor，followedbythesoldierscarryingEdstaston，stilltrussedtothepole。Exhaustedanddogged，hemakesnosound。
NARYSHKIN。Halt。Getthatpoleclearoftheprisoner。[TheydumpEdstastonontheflooranddetachthepole。Naryshkinstoopsoverhimandaddresseshiminsultingly。Well！areyoureadytobetortured？ThisistheEmpress’sprivatetorturechamber。CanIdoanythingtomakeyouquitecomfortable？Youhaveonlytomentionit。
EDSTASTON。Haveyouanybackteeth？
NARYSHKIN[surprised]。Why？
EDSTASTON。HisMajestyKingGeorgetheThirdwillsendforsixofthemwhenthenewsofthisreachesLondon；solookout，damnyoureyes！
NARYSHKIN[frightened]。Oh，IassureyouIamonlyobeyingmyorders。PersonallyIabhortorture，andwouldsaveyouifI
could。ButtheEmpressisproud；andwhatwomanwouldforgivetheslightyouputuponher？
EDSTASTON。AsIsaidbefore：Damnyoureyes！
NARYSHKIN[almostintears]。Well，itisn’tmyfault。[Tothesoldiers，insolently。]Youknowyourorders？YourememberwhatyouhavetodowhentheEmpressgivesyoutheword？[Thesoldierssaluteinassent。]
Naryshkinpassesthroughthecurtains，admittingablareofmusicandastripofthebrilliantwhitecandlelightfromthechandeliersintheballroomashedoesso。Thewhitelightvanishesandthemusicismuffledasthecurtainsfalltogetherbehindhim。Presentlythebandstopsabruptly：andNaryshkincomesbackthroughthecurtains。Hemakesawarninggesturetothesoldiers，whostandatattention。ThenhemovesthecurtaintoallowCatherinetoenter。SheisinfullImperialregalia，andstopssternlyjustwhereshehasentered。Thesoldiersfallontheirknees。
CATHERINE。Obeyyourorders。
ThesoldiersseizeEdstaston，andthrowhimroughlyatthefeetoftheEmpress。
CATHERINE[lookingdowncoldlyonhim]。Also[theGermanword]，youhaveputmetothetroubleofsendingforyoutwice。Youhadbetterhavecomethefirsttime。
EDSTASTON[exsufflicate，andpettishlyangry]。Ihaven’tcomeeithertime。I’vebeencarried。Icallitinfernalimpudence。
CATHERINE。Takecarewhatyousay。
EDSTASTON。Nouse。Idaresayyoulookverymajesticandveryhandsome；butIcan’tseeyou；andIamnotintimidated。IamanEnglishman；andyoucankidnapme；butyoucan’tbullyme。
NARYSHKIN。Remembertowhomyouarespeaking。
CATHERINE[violently，furiousathisintrusion]。Rememberthatdogsshouldbedumb。[Heshrivels。]Anddoyou，Captain，rememberthatfamousasIamformyclemency，therearelimitstothepatienceevenofanEmpress。
EDSTASTON。Howisamantorememberanythingwhenheistrussedupinthisridiculousfashion？Icanhardlybreathe。[Hemakesafutilestruggletofreehimself。]Here：don’tbeunkind，yourMajesty：tellthesefellowstounstrapme。Youknowyoureallyowemeanapology。
CATHERINE。Youthinkyoucanescapebyappealing，likePrincePatiomkin，tomysenseofhumor？
EDSTASTON。Senseofhumor！Ho！Ha，ha！Ilikethat。Wouldanybodywithasenseofhumormakeaguyofamanlikethis，andthenexpecthimtotakeitseriously？Isay：dotellthemtoloosenthesestraps。
CATHERINE[seatingherself]。WhyshouldI，pray？
EDSTASTON。Why！Why！Why，becausethey’rehurtingme。
CATHERINE。Peoplesometimeslearnthroughsuffering。Manners，forinstance。
EDSTASTON。Oh，well，ofcourse，ifyou’reanill—naturedwoman，hurtingmeonpurpose，Ihavenothingmoretosay。
CATHERINE。Amonarch，sir，hassometimestoemployanecessary，andsalutaryseverity——
EDSTASTON[Interruptingherpetulantly]。Quack！quack！quack！
CATHERINE。Donnerwetter！
EDSTASTON[continuingrecklessly]。Thisisn’tseverity：it’stomfoolery。Andifyouthinkit’sreformingmycharacterorteachingmeanything，you’remistaken。Itmaybeasatisfactiontoyou；butifitis，allIcansayisthatit’snotanamiablesatisfaction。
CATHERINE[turningsuddenlyandbalefullyonNaryshkin]。Whatareyougrinningat？
NARYSHKIN[fallingonhiskneesinterror]。Bemerciful，LittleMother。Myheartisinmymouth。
CATHERINE。Yourheartandyourmouthwillbeintwoseparatepartsofyourbodyifyouagainforgetinwhosepresenceyoustand。Go。Andtakeyourmenwithyou。[Naryshkincrawlstothedoor。Thesoldiersrise。]Stop。Rollthat[indicatingEdstaston]
nearer。[Thesoldiersobey。]Notsoclose。DidIaskyouforafootstool？[ShepushesEdstastonawaywithherfoot。]
EDSTASTON[withasuddensqueal]。Agh！！！ImustreallyaskyourMajestynottoputthepointofyourImperialtoebetweenmyribs。Iamticklesome。
CATHERINE。Indeed？Allthemorereasonforyoutotreatmewithrespect，Captain。[Totheothers。]Begone。HowmanytimesmustI
giveanorderbeforeitisobeyed？
NARYSHKIN。LittleMother：theyhavebroughtsomeinstrumentsoftorture。Willtheybeneeded？
CATHERINE[indignantly]。HowdareyounamesuchabominationstoaLiberalEmpress？Youwillalwaysbeasavageandafool，Naryshkin。Theserelicsofbarbarismareburied，thankGod，inthegraveofPetertheGreat。Mymethodsaremorecivilized。[SheextendshertoetowardsEdstaston’sribs。]
EDSTASTON[shriekinghysterically]。Yagh！Ah！[Furiously。]IfyourMajestydoesthatagainIwillwritetotheLondonGazette。
CATHERINE[tothesoldiers]。Leaveus。Quick！doyouhear？FivethousandblowsofthestickforthesoldierwhoisintheroomwhenIspeaknext。[Thesoldiersrushout。]Naryshkin：areyouwaitingtobeknouted？[Naryshkinbacksouthastily。]
CatherineandEdstastonarenowalone。Catherinehasinherhandasceptreorbatonofgold。Wrappedrounditisanewpamphlet，inFrench，entitledL’HommeauxQuaranteEcus。Shecalmlyunrollsthisandbeginstoreaditathereaseasifshewerequitealone。Severalsecondselapseindeadsilence。Shebecomesmoreandmoreabsorbedinthepamphlet，andmoreandmoreamusedbyit。
CATHERINE[greatlypleasedbyapassage，andturningovertheleaf]]。Ausgezeiehnet！
EDSTASTON。Ahem！
Silence。Catherinereadson。
CATHERINE。Wiekomisch！
EDSTASTON。Ahem！ahem！
Silence。
CATHERINE[soliloquizingenthusiastically]。WhatawonderfulauthorisMonsieurVoltaire！Howlucidlyheexposesthefollyofthiscrazyplanforraisingtheentirerevenueofthecountryfromasingletaxonland！howhewithersitwithhisirony！howhemakesyoulaughwhilstheisconvincingyou！howsureonefeelsthattheproposaliskilledbyhiswitandeconomicpenetration：killednevertobementionedagainamongeducatedpeople！
EDSTASTON。ForHeaven’ssake，Madam，doyouintendtoleavemetieduplikethiswhileyoudiscusstheblasphemiesofthatabominableinfidel？Agh！！[Shehasagainappliedhertoe。]Oh！
Oo！
CATHERINE[calmly]。DoIunderstandyoutosaythatMonsieurVoltaireisagreatphilanthropistandagreatphilosopheraswellasthewittiestmaninEurope？
EDSTASTON。Certainlynot。Isaythathisbooksoughttobeburntbythecommonhangman[hertoetoucheshisribs]。Yagh！Ohdon’t。
Ishallfaint。Ican’tbearit。
CATHERINE。HaveyouchangedyouropinionofMonsieurVoltaire？
EDSTASTON。Butyoucan’texpectmeasamemberoftheChurchofEngland[shetickleshim]——agh！Ow！OhLord！heisanythingyoulike。Heisaphilanthropist，aphilosopher，abeauty：heoughttohaveastatue，damnhim！[shetickleshim]。No！blesshim！
savehimvictorious，happyandglorious！Oh，leteternalhonorscrownhisname：Voltairethriceworthyontherollsoffame！
[Exhausted。]Nowwillyouletmeup？Andlookhere！Icanseeyourankleswhenyoutickleme：it’snotladylike。
CATHERINE[stickingouthertoeandadmiringitcritically]。Isthespectaclesodisagreeable？
EDSTASTON。It’sagreeableenough；only[withintenseexpression]
forheaven’ssakedon’ttouchmeintheribs。
CATHERINE[puttingasidethepamphlet]。CaptainEdstaston，whydidyourefusetocomewhenIsentforyou？
EDSTASTON。Madam，Icannottalktieduplikethis。
CATHERINE。Doyoustilladmiremeasmuchasyoudidthismorning？
EDSTASTON。HowcanIpossiblytellwhenIcan’tseeyou？Letmegetupandlook。Ican’tseeanythingnowexceptmytoesandyours。
CATHERINE。DoyoustillintendtowritetotheLondonGazetteaboutme？
EDSTASTON。Notifyouwillloosenthesestraps。Quick：loosenme。
I’mfainting。
CATHERINE。Idon’tthinkyouare[ticklinghim]。
EDSTASTON。Agh！Cat！
CATHERINE。What[shetickleshimagain]。
EDSTASTON[withashriek]。No：angel，angel！
CATHERINE[tenderly]。Geliebter！
EDSTASTON。Idon’tknowawordofGerman；butthatsoundedkind。
[Becominghysterical。]LittleMother，beautifullittledarlingangelmother：don’tbecruel：untieme。Oh，Ibegandimploreyou。Don’tbeunkind。Ishallgomad。
CATHERINE。YouareexpectedtogomadwithlovewhenanEmpressdeignstointerestherselfinyou。WhenanEmpressallowsyoutoseeherfootyoushouldkissit。CaptainEdstaston，youareabooby。
EDSTASTON[indignantly]。Iamnothingofthekind。Ihavebeenmentionedindispatchesasahighlyintelligentofficer。AndletmewarnyourMajestythatIamnotsohelplessasyouthink。TheEnglishAmbassadorisinthatballroom。Ashoutfrommewillbringhimtomyside；andthenwherewillyourMajestybe？
CATHERINE。IshouldliketoseetheEnglishAmbassadororanyoneelsepassthroughthatcurtainagainstmyorders。Itmightbeastonewalltenfeetthick。Shoutyourloudest。Sob。Curse。
Scream。Yell[shetickleshimunmercifully]。
EDSTASTON[frantically]。Ahowyou！！！！Agh！oh！Stop！OhLord！
Ya—a—a—ah！[Atumultintheballroomrespondstohiscries]。
VOICESFROMTHEBALLROOM。Standback。Youcannotpass。Holdherbackthere。TheEmpress’sorders。Itisoutofthequestion。No，littledarling，notinthere。Nobodyisallowedinthere。YouwillbesenttoSiberia。Don’tletherthroughthere，onyourlife。Dragherback。Youwillbeknouted。Itishopeless，Mademoiselle：youmustobeyorders。Guardthere！Sendsomementoholdher。
CLAIRE’SVOICE。Letmego。TheyaretorturingCharlesinthere。I
WILLgo。Howcanyoualldanceasifnothingwashappening？Letmego，Itellyou。Let——me——go。[Shedashesthroughthecurtain，noonedaresfollowher。]
CATHERINE[risinginwrath]。Howdareyou？
CLAIRE[recklessly]。Oh，dareyourgrandmother！WhereismyCharles？Whataretheydoingtohim？
EDSTASTON[shouting]。Claire，loosenthesestraps，inHeaven’sname。Quick。
CLAIRE[seeinghimandthrowingherselfonherkneesathisside]。Oh，howdaretheytieyouuplikethat！[ToCatherine。]
Youwickedwretch！YouRussiansavage！[Shepouncesonthestraps，andbeginsunbucklingthem。]
CATHERINE[conqueringherselfwithamightyeffort]。Nowself—
control。Self—control，Catherine。Philosophy。Europeislookingon。[Sheforcesherselftositdown。]
EDSTASTON。Steady，dearest：itistheEmpress。CallheryourImperialMajesty。CallherStaroftheNorth，LittleMother，LittleDarling：that’swhatshelikes；butgetthestrapsoff。
CLAIRE。Keepquiet，dear：Icannotgetthemoffifyoumove。
CATHERINE[calmly]。Keepquitestill，Captain[shetickleshim。]
EDSTASTON。Ow！Agh！Ahowyow！
CLAIRE[stoppingdeadintheactofunbucklingthestrapsandturningsickwithjealousyasshegraspsthesituation]。WasTHAT
whatIthoughtwasyourbeingtortured？
CATHERINE[urbanely]。ThatisthefavoritetortureofCatherinetheSecond，Mademoiselle。IthinktheCaptainenjoysitverymuch。
CLAIRE。Thenhecanhaveasmuchmoreofitashewants。IamsorryIintruded。[Sherisestogo。]
EDSTASTON[catchinghertraininhisteethandholdingonlikeabull—dog]。Don’tgo。Don’tleavemeinthishorriblestate。
Loosenme。[Thisiswhatheissaying：butashesaysitwiththetraininhismouthitisnotveryintelligible。]
CLAIRE。Letgo。Youareundignifiedandridiculousenoughyourselfwithoutmakingmeridiculous。[Shesnatcheshertrainaway。]
EDSTASTON。Ow！You’venearlypulledmyteethout：you’reworsethantheStaroftheNorth。[ToCatherine。]DarlingLittleMother：youhaveakindheart，thekindestinEurope。Havepity。
Havemercy。Iloveyou。[Claireburstsintotears。]Releaseme。
CATHERINE。Well，justtoshowyouhowmuchkinderaRussiansavagecanbethananEnglishone{thoughIamsorrytosayIamaGerman）heregoes！[Shestoopstoloosenthestraps。]
CLAIRE[jealously]。Youneedn’ttrouble，thankyou。[Shepouncesonthestraps：andthetwosetEdstastonfreebetweenthem。]Nowgetup，please；andconductyourselfwithsomedignityifyouarenotutterlydemoralized。
EDSTASTON。Dignity！Ow！Ican’t。I’mstiffallover。Ishallneverbeabletostandupagain。OhLord！howithurts！[Theyseizehimbytheshouldersanddraghimup。]Yah！Agh！Wow！Oh！
Mmmmmm！Oh，LittleAngelMother，don’teverdothistoamanagain。Knouthim；killhim；roasthim；bastehim；head，hang，andquarterhim；butdon’ttiehimuplikethatandticklehim。
CATHERINE。Youryoungladystillseemstothinkthatyouenjoyedit。
CLAIRE。IknowwhatIthink。Iwillneverspeaktohimagain。
YourMajestycankeephim，asfarasIamconcerned。
CATHERINE。Iwouldnotdepriveyouofhimforworlds；thoughreallyIthinkhe’sratheradarling[shepatshischeek]。
CLAIRE[snorting]。SoIsee，indeed。
EDSTASTON。Don’tbeangry，dearest：inthiscountryeverybody’sadarling。I’llproveittoyou。[ToCatherine。]WillyourMajestybegoodenoughtocallPrincePatiomkin？
CATHERINE[surprisedintohaughtiness]。Why？
EDSTASTON。Toobligeme。
Catherinelaughsgood—humoredlyandgoestothecurtainsandopensthem。ThebandstrikesupaRedowa。
CATHERINE[callingimperiously]。Patiomkin！[Themusicstopssuddenly。]Here！Tome！Goonwithyourmusicthere，youfools。
[TheRedowaisresumed。]
ThesergeantrushesfromtheballroomtorelievetheEmpressofthecurtain。PatiomkincomesindancingwithYarinka。
CATHERINE[toPatiomkin]。TheEnglishcaptainwantsyou，littledarling。
CatherineresumesherseatasPatiomkinintimatesbyagrotesquebowthatheisatEdstaston’sservice。YarinkapassesbehindEdstastonandClaire，andpostsherselfonClaire’sright。
EDSTASTON。Precisely。[ToClaire。]Youobserve，mylove：\"littledarling。\"Well，ifherMajestycallshimadarling，isitmyfaultthatshecallsmeonetoo？
CLAIRE。Idon’tcare：Idon’tthinkyououghttohavedoneit。I
amveryangryandoffended。
EDSTASTON。Theytiedmeup，dear。Icouldn’thelpit。IfoughtforallIwasworth。
THESERGEANT[atthecurtains]。Hefoughtwiththestrengthoflionsandbears。GodknowsIshallcarryabrokensweetbreadtomygrave。
EDSTASTON。Youcan’tmeantothrowmeover，Claire。[Urgently。]
Claire。Claire。
VARINKA[inatransportofsympatheticemotion，pleadingwithclaspedhandstoClaire]。Oh，sweetlittleangellamb，helovesyou：itshinesinhisdarlingeyes。Pardonhim，pardonhim。
PATIOMKIN[rushingfromtheEmpress’ssidetoClaireandfallingonhiskneestoher]。Pardonhim，pardonhim，littlecherub！
littlewildduck！littlestar！littleglory！littlejewelinthecrownofheaven！
CLAIRE。Thisisperfectlyridiculous。
VARINKA[kneelingtoher]。Pardonhim，pardonhim，littledelight，littlesleeperinarosycradle。
CLAIRE。I’lldoanythingifyou’llonlyletmealone。
THESERGEANT[kneelingtoher]。Pardonhim，pardonhim，lestthemightymanbringhiswhiptoyou。Godknowsweallneedpardon！
CLAIRE[atthetopofhervoice]。Ipardonhim！Ipardonhim！
PATIOMKIN[springingupjoyfullyandgoingbehindClaire，whomheraisesinhisarms]。Embraceher，victorofBunker’sHill。Kisshertillsheswoons。
THESERGEANT。ReceiveherinthenameoftheholyNicholas。
VARINKA。Shebegsyouforathousanddearlittlekissesalloverherbody。
CLAIRE[vehemently]。Idonot。[PatiomkinthrowsherintoEdstaston’sarms。]Oh！[Thepair，awkwardandshamefaced，recoilfromoneanother，andremainutterlyinexpressive。]
CATHERINE[pushingEdstastontowardsClaire]。Thereisnohelpforit，Captain。ThisisRussia，notEngland。
EDSTASTON[pluckingupsomegeniality，andkissingClaireceremoniouslyonthebrow]。Ihavenoobjection。
VARINKA[disgusted]。Onlyonekiss！andontheforehead！Fish。
SeehowIkiss，thoughitisonlymyhorriblyuglyolduncle[shethrowsherarmsroundPatiomkin’sneckandcovershisfacewithkisses]。
THESERGEANT[movedtotears]。SaintedNicholas：blessyourlambs！
CATHERINE。DoyouwondernowthatIloveRussiaasIlovenootherplaceonearth？
NARYSHKIN[appearingatthedoor]。Majesty：themodelforthenewmuseumhasarrived。
CATHERINE[risingeagerlyandmakingforthecurtains]。Letusgo。Icanthinkofnothingbutmymuseum。[InthearchwayshestopsandturnstoEdstaston，whohashurriedtoliftthecurtainforher。]Captain，Iwishyoueveryhappinessthatyourlittleangelcanbringyou。[Forhisearalone。]Icouldhavebroughtyoumore；butyoudidnotthinkso。Farewell。
EDSTASTON[kissingherhand，which，insteadofreleasing，heholdscaressinglyandratherpatronizinglyinhisown]。IfeelyourMajesty’skindnesssomuchthatIreallycannotleaveyouwithoutawordofplainwholesomeEnglishadvice。
CATHERINEsnatchingherhandawayandboundingforwardasifhehadtouchedherwithaspur]。Advice！！！
PATIOMKIN。Madman：takecare！
NARYSHKIN。AdvisetheEmpress！！
THESERGEANT。SaintedNicholas！
VARINKA。Hoohoo！[astifledsplutteroflaughter]。
EDSTASTON[followingtheEmpressandresumingkindlybutjudicially]。Afterall，thoughyourMajestyisofcourseagreatqueen，yetwhenallissaid，Iamaman；andyourMajestyisonlyawoman。
CATHERINE。Onlyawo——[shechokes]。
EDSTASTON[continuing]。Believeme，thisRussianextravagancewillnotdo。Iappreciateasmuchasanymanthewarmthofheartthatpromptsit；butitisoverdone：itishardlyinthebesttaste：itisreallyImustsayit——itisnotproper。
CATHERINE[ironically，inGerman]。So！
EDSTASTON。NotthatIcannotmakeallowances。YourMajestyhas，I
know，beenunfortunateinyourexperienceasamarriedwoman——
CATHERINE[furious]。AlleWetter！！！
EDSTASTON[sentimentally]。Don’tsaythat。Don’tthinkofhiminthatway。Afterall，hewasyourhusband；andwhateverhisfaultsmayhavebeen，itisnotforyoutothinkunkindlyofhim。
CATHERINE[almostbursting]。Ishallforgetmyself。
EDSTASTON。Come！Iamsurehereallylovedyou；andyoutrulylovedhim。
CATHERINE[controllingherselfwithasupremeeffort]。No，Catherine。WhatwouldVoltairesay？
EDSTASTON。Oh，nevermindthatvilescoffer。SetanexampletoEurope，Madam，bydoingwhatIamgoingtodo。Marryagain。Marrysomegoodmanwhowillbeastrengthandsupporttoyouroldage。
CATHERINE。Myold——[sheagainbecomesspeechless]。
EDSTASTON。Yes：wemustallgrowold，eventhehandsomestofus。
CATHERINE[sinkingintoherchairwithagasp]。Thankyou。
EDSTASTON。Youwillthankmemorewhenyouseeyourlittleonesroundyourknee，andyourmantherebythefiresideinthewinterevenings——bytheway，Iforgotthatyouhavenofiresidehereinspiteofthecoldnessoftheclimate；soshallIsaybythestove？
CATHERINE。Certainly，ifyouwish。Thestovebyallmeans。
EDSTASTON[impulsively]。Ah，Madam，abolishthestove：believeme，thereisnothinglikethegoodoldopengrate。Home！duty！
happiness！theyallmeanthesamething；andtheyallflourishbestonthedrawing—roomhearthrug。（TurningtoClaire。]Andnow，mylove，wemustnotdetaintheQueen：sheisanxioustoinspectthemodelofhermuseum，towhichIamsurewewisheverysuccess。
CLAIRE[coldly]。Iamnotdetainingher。
EDSTASTON。Well，goodbye[wringingPatiomkin’shand，goo—oo—oodbye，Prince：comeandseeusifeveryouvisitEngland。
SpireView，Deepdene，LittleMugford，Devon，willalwaysfindme。
[ToYarinka，kissingherhand。]Goodbye，Mademoiselle：goodbye，LittleMother，ifImaycallyouthatjustonce。[Varinkaputsupherfacetobekissed。]Eh？No，no，no，no：youdon’tmeanthat，youknow。Naughty！[TotheSergeant。]Goodbye，myfriend。Youwilldrinkourhealthswiththis[tippinghim]。
THESERGEANT。TheblessedNicholaswillmultiplyyourfruits，LittleFather。
EDSTASTON。Goodbye，goodbye，goodbye，goodbye，goodbye，goodbye。
Hegoesoutbackwards，bowing，withClairecurtseying，havingbeenlistenedtoinutterdumbfoundednessbyPatiomkinandNaryshkin，inchildlikeawebyYarinka，andwithquiteinexpressiblefeelingsbyCatherine。WhenheisoutofsightsheriseswithclinchedfistsandraisesherarmsandherclosedeyestoHeaven。Patiomkin：rousinghimselffromhisstuporofamazement，springstoherlikeatiger，andthrowshimselfatherfeet。
PATIOMKIN。WhatshallIdotohimforyou？Skinhimalive？Cutoffhiseyelidsandstandhiminthesun？Tearhistongueout？
Whatshallitbe？
CATHERINE[openinghereyes]。Nothing。Butoh，ifIcouldonlyhavehadhimformy——formy——formy——
PATIOMKIN[inagrowlofjealousy]。Foryourlover？
CATHERINE[withanineffablesmile]。No：formymuseum。