bySaki（H。H。Munro）
Contents：
ReginaldReginaldonChristmasPresentsReginaldontheAcademyReginaldattheTheatreReginald’sPeacePoemReginald’sChoirTreatReginaldonWorriesReginaldonHouse—PartiesReginaldattheCarltonReginaldonBesettingSinsReginald’sDramaReginaldonTariffsReginald’sChristmasRevelReginald’sRubaiyatTheInnocenceofReginaldREGINALD
Ididit——Iwhoshouldhaveknownbetter。IpersuadedReginaldtogototheMcKillops’garden—partyagainsthiswill。
Weallmakemistakesoccasionally。
\"Theyknowyou’rehere，andthey’llthinkitsofunnyifyoudon’tgo。AndIwantparticularlytobeinwithMrs。
McKillopjustnow。\"
\"Iknow，youwantoneofhersmokePersiankittensasaprospectivewifeforWumples——orahusband，isit？\"
（Reginaldhasamagnificentscornfordetails，otherthansartorial。）\"AndIamexpectedtoundergosocialmartyrdomtosuittheconnubialexigencies\"—
\"Reginald！It’snothingofthekind，onlyI’msureMrs。
McKillopWouldbepleasedifIbroughtyou。Youngmenofyourbrilliantattractionsareratheratapremiumathergarden—parties。\"
\"Shouldbeatapremiuminheaven，\"remarkedReginaldcomplacently。
\"Therewillbeveryfewofyouthere，ifthatiswhatyoumean。Butseriously，therewon’tbeanygreatstrainuponyourpowersofendurance；Ipromiseyouthatyoushan’thavetoplaycroquet，ortalktotheArchdeacon’swife，ordoanythingthatislikelytobringonphysicalprostration。
Youcanjustwearyoursweetestclothesandmoderatelyamiableexpression，andeatchocolate—creamswiththeappetiteofablaseparrot。Nothingmoreisdemandedofyou。\"
Reginaldshuthiseyes。\"Therewillbetheexhaustinglyup—
to—dateyoungwomenwhowillaskmeifIhaveseenSanToy：
alessprogressivegradewhowillyearntohearabouttheDiamondJubilee——thehistoricevent，notthehorse。Withalittleencouragement，theywillinquireifIsawtheAlliesmarchintoParis。Whyarewomensofondofrakingupthepast？They’reasbadastailors，whoinvariablyrememberwhatyouowethemforasuitlongafteryou’veceasedtowearit。\"
\"I’llorderlunchforoneo’clock；thatwillgiveyoutwoandahalfhourstodressin。\"
Reginaldpuckeredhisbrowintoatorturedfrown，andIknewthatmypointwasgained。Hewasdebatingwhattiewouldgowithwhichwaistcoat。
EventhenIhadmymisgivings。
***
DuringthedrivetotheMcKillops’Reginaldwaspossessedwithagreatpeace，whichwasnotwhollytobeaccountedforbythefactthathehadinveigledhisfeetintoshoesasizetoosmallforthem。Imisgavemorethanever，andhavingoncelaunchedReginaldontotheMcKillops’lawn，I
establishedhimnearaseductivedishofmarronsglaces，andasfarfromtheArchdeacon’swifeaspossible；asIdriftedawaytoadiplomaticdistanceIheardwithpainfuldistinctnesstheeldestMawkbygirlaskinghimifhehadseenSanToy。
Itmusthavebeentenminuteslater，notmore，andIhadbeenhavingQUITEanenjoyablechatwithmyhostess，andhadpromisedtolendherTheEternalCityandmyrecipeforrabbitmayonnaise，andwasjustabouttoofferakindhomeforherthirdPersiankitten，whenIperceived，outofthecornerofmyeye，thatReginaldwasnotwhereIhadlefthim，andthatthemarronsglaceswereuntasted。AtthesamemomentIbecameawarethatoldColonelMendozawasessayingtotellhisclassicstoryofhowheintroducedgolfintoIndia，andthatReginaldwasindangerousproximity。ThereareoccasionswhenReginaldiscaviaretotheColonel。
\"WhenIwasatPoonain’76\"—
\"MydearColonel，\"purredReginald，\"fancyadmittingsuchathing！Suchagive—awayforone’sage！Iwouldn’tadmitbeingonthisplanetin’76。\"（Reginaldinhiswildestlapsesintoveracityneveradmitstobeingmorethantwenty—
two。）
TheColonelwenttothecolourofafigthathasattainedgreatripeness，andReginald，ignoringmyeffortstointercepthim，glidedawaytoanotherpartofthelawn。I
foundhimafewminuteslaterhappilyengagedinteachingtheyoungestRampageboytheapprovedtheoryofmixingabsinthe，withinfullearshotofhismother。Mrs。RampageoccupiesaprominentplaceinlocalTemperancemovements。
AssoonasIhadbrokenupthisunpromisingtete—a—teteandsettledReginaldwherehecouldwatchthecroquetplayerslosingtheirtempers，Iwanderedofftofindmyhostessandrenewthekittennegotiationsatthepointwheretheyhadbeeninterrupted。Ididnotsucceedinrunningherdownatonce，andeventuallyitwasMrs。McKillopwhosoughtmeout，andherconversationwasnotofkittens。
\"YourcousinisdiscussingZazawiththeArchdeacon’swife；
atleast，heisdiscussing，sheisorderinghercarriage。\"
Shespokeinthedry，staccatotoneofonewhorepeatsaFrenchexercise，andIknewthatasfarasMillieMcKillopwasconcerned，Wumpleswasdevotedtoalifelongcelibacy。
\"Ifyoudon’tmind，\"Isaidhurriedly，\"Ithinkwe’dlikeourcarriageorderedtoo，\"andImadeaforcedmarchinthedirectionofthecroquet—ground。
IfoundeveryonetalkingnervouslyandfeverishlyoftheweatherandthewarinSouthAfrica，exceptReginald，whowasreclininginacomfortablechairwiththedreamy，far—awaylookthatavolcanomightwearjustafterithaddesolatedentirevillages。TheArchdeacon’swifewasbuttoninguphergloveswithaconcentrateddeliberationthatwasfearfultobehold。IshallhavetotreblemysubscriptiontoherCheerfulSundayEveningsFundbeforeIdaresetfootinherhouseagain。
Atthatparticularmomentthecroquetplayersfinishedtheirgame，whichhadbeengoingonwithoutasymptomoffinalityduringthewholeafternoon。Why，Iask，shouldithavestoppedpreciselywhenacounter—attractionwassonecessary？
Everyoneseemedtodrifttowardstheareaofdisturbance，ofwhichthechairsoftheArchdeacon’swifeandReginaldformedthestorm—centre。Conversationflagged，andtheresettleduponthecompanythatexpectanthushthatprecedesthedawn——
whenyourneighboursdon’thappentokeeppoultry。
\"WhatdidtheCaspianSea？\"askedReginald，withappallingsuddenness。
Thereweresymptomsofastampede。TheArchdeacon’swifelookedatme。Kiplingorsomeonehasdescribedsomewherethelookafounderedcamelgiveswhenthecaravanmovesonandleavesittoitsfate。Thepeptonisedreproachinthegoodlady’seyesbroughtthepassagevividlytomymind。
Iplayedmylastcard。
\"Reginald，it’sgettinglate，andasea—mistiscomingon。\"
Iknewthattheelaboratecurloverhisrighteyebrowwasnotguaranteedtosurviveasea—mist。
\"Never，neveragain，willItakeyoutoagarden—party。
Never……Youbehavedabominably……WhatdidtheCaspiansee？\"
AshadeofgenuineregretformisusedopportunitiespassedoverReginald’sface。
\"Afterall，\"hesaid，\"Ibelieveanapricottiewouldhavegonebetterwiththelilacwaistcoat。\"
REGINALDONCHRISTMASPRESENTS
Iwishittobedistinctlyunderstood（saidReginald）thatI
don’twanta\"George，PrinceofWales\"Prayer—bookasaChristmaspresent。Thefactcannotbetoowidelyknown。
Thereought（hecontinued）tobetechnicaleducationclassesonthescienceofpresent—giving。Nooneseemstohavethefaintestnotionofwhatanyoneelsewants，andtheprevalentideasonthesubjectarenotcreditabletoacivilisedcommunity。
Thereis，forinstance，thefemalerelativeinthecountrywho\"knowsatieisalwaysuseful，\"andsendsyousomespottedhorrorthatyoucouldonlywearinsecretorinTottenhamCourtRoad。ItMIGHThavebeenusefulhadshekeptittotieupcurrantbusheswith，whenitwouldhaveservedthedoublepurposeofsupportingthebranchesandfrighteningawaythebirds——foritisanadmittedfactthattheordinarytomtitofcommercehasasounderaesthetictastethantheaveragefemalerelativeinthecountry。
Thenthereareaunts。Theyarealwaysadifficultclasstodealwithinthematterofpresents。Thetroubleisthatonenevercatchesthemreallyyoungenough。BythetimeonehaseducatedthemtoanappreciationofthefactthatonedoesnotwearredwoollenmittensintheWestEnd，theydie，orquarrelwiththefamily，ordosomethingequallyinconsiderate。Thatiswhythesupplyoftrainedauntsisalwayssoprecarious。
ThereismyAuntAgatha，parexemple，whosentmeapairofgloveslastChristmas，andevengotsofarastochooseakindthatwasbeingwornandhadthecorrectnumberofbuttons。But——THEYWERENINES！IsentthemtoaboywhomI
hatedintimately：hedidn’twearthem，ofcourse，buthecouldhave——thatwaswherethebitternessofdeathcamein。
Itwasnearlyasconsolingassendingwhiteflowerstohisfuneral。OfcourseIwroteandtoldmyauntthattheyweretheonethingthathadbeenwantingtomakeexistenceblossomlikearose；Iamafraidshethoughtmefrivolous——shecomesfromtheNorth，wheretheyliveinthefearofHeavenandtheEarlofDurham。（Reginaldaffectsanexhaustiveknowledgeofthingspolitical，whichfurnishesanexcellentexcusefornotdiscussingthem。）Auntswithadashofforeignextractioninthemarethemostsatisfactoryinthewayofunderstandingthesethings；butifyoucan’tchooseyouraunt，itiswisestinthelong—runtochoosethepresentandsendherthebill。
Evenfriendsofone’sownset，whomightbeexpectedtoknowbetter，havecuriousdelusionsonthesubject。IamNOT
collectingcopiesofthecheapereditionsofOmarKhayyam。I
gavethelastfourthatIreceivedtothelift—boy，andI
liketothinkofhimreadingthem，withFitzGerald’snotes，tohisagedmother。Lift—boysalwayshaveagedmothers；
showssuchnicefeelingontheirpart，Ithink。
Personally，Ican’tseewherethedifficultyinchoosingsuitablepresentslies。NoboywhohadbroughthimselfupproperlycouldfailtoappreciateoneofthosedecorativebottlesofliqueursthataresoreverentlystagedinMorel’swindow——anditwouldn’tintheleastmatterifonedidgetduplicates。AndtherewouldalwaysbethesuprememomentofdreadfuluncertaintywhetheritwascremedementheorChartreuse——liketheexpectantthrillonseeingyourpartner’shandturnedupatbridge。PeoplemaysaywhattheylikeaboutthedecayofChristianity；thereligioussystemthatproducedgreenChartreusecanneverreallydie。
Andthen，ofcourse，thereareliqueurglasses，andcrystallisedfruits，andtapestrycurtains，andheapsofothernecessariesoflifethatmakereallysensiblepresents—
—nottospeakofluxuries，suchashavingone’sbillspaid，orgettingsomethingquitesweetinthewayofjewellery。
UnliketheallegedGoodWomanoftheBible，I’mnotaboverubies。Whenfound，bytheway，shemusthavebeenratheraproblematChristmas—time；nothingshortofablankchequewouldhavefittedthesituation。Perhapsit’saswellthatshe’sdiedout。
Thegreatcharmaboutme（concludedReginald）isthatIamsoeasilypleased。
ButIdrawthelineata\"PrinceofWales\"Prayer—book。
REGINALDONTHEACADEMY
\"OnegoestotheAcademyinself—defence，\"saidReginald。
\"ItistheonetopiconehasincommonwiththeCountryCousins。\"
\"Itisalmostareligiousobservancewiththem，\"saidtheOther。\"AkindofartisticMecca，andwhenthegoodonesdietheygo\"—
\"TotheChantreyBequest。Themysteryiswhattheyfindtotalkaboutinthecountry。\"
\"Therearetwosubjectsofconversationinthecountry：
Servants，andCanfowlsbemadetopay？Thefirst，I
believe，iscompulsory，thesecondoptional。\"
\"Asafunction，\"resumedReginald，\"theAcademyisafailure。\"
\"Youthinkitwouldbetolerablewithoutthepictures？\"
\"Thepicturesareallright，intheirway；afterall，onecanalwaysLOOKatthemifoneisboredwithone’ssurroundings，orwantstoavoidanimminentacquaintance。\"
\"Eventhatdoesn’talwayssaveone。ThereistheinevitablefemalewhomyoumetonceinDevonshire，ortheMatoppoHills，orsomewhere，whochargesuptoyouwiththeremarkthatit’sfunnyhowonealwaysmeetspeopleoneknowsattheAcademy。
Personally，IDON’Tthinkitfunny。\"
\"Isufferedinthatwayjustnow，\"saidReginaldplaintively，\"fromawomanwhosewordIhadtotakethatshehadmetmelastsummerinBrittany。\"
\"Ihopeyouwerenottoobrutal？\"
\"Imerelytoldherwithengagingsimplicitythattheartoflifewastheavoidanceoftheunattainable。\"
\"Didshetryandworkitoutonthebackofhercatalogue？\"
\"Notthereandthen。Shemurmuredsomethingaboutbeing’soclever。’FancycomingtotheAcademytobeclever！\"
\"Tobecleverintheafternoonarguesthatoneisdiningnowhereintheevening。\"
\"WhichremindsmethatIcan’trememberwhetherIacceptedaninvitationfromyoutodineatKettner’sto—night。\"
\"Ontheotherhand，Icanrememberwithstartlingdistinctnessnothavingaskedyouto。\"
\"Somuchcertaintyisunbecomingintheyoung；sowe’llconsiderthatsettled。Whatwereyoutalkingabout？Oh，pictures。Personally，Iratherlikethem；theyaresorefreshinglyrealandprobable，theytakeoneawayfromtheunrealitiesoflife。\"
\"Onelikestoescapefromoneselfoccasionally。\"
\"Thatisthedisadvantageofaportrait；asarule，one’sbitterestfriendscanfindnothingmoretoaskthanthefaithfulunlikenessthatgoesdowntoposterityasoneself。
Ihateposterity——it’ssofondofhavingthelastword。Ofcourse，asregardsportraits，thereareexceptions。\"
\"Forinstance？\"
\"TodiebeforebeingpaintedbySargentistogotoheavenprematurely。\"
\"Withthenecessarycareandimpatience，youmayavoidthatcatastrophe。\"
\"Ifyou’regoingtoberude，\"saidReginald，\"Ishalldinewithyouto—morrownightaswell。ThechiefviceoftheAcademy，\"hecontinued，\"isitsnomenclature。Why，forinstance，shouldanobvioustrout—streamwithapalpablerabbitsittingintheforegroundbecalled’aneveningdreamofunbecloudedpeace，’orsomethingofthatsort？\"
\"Youthink，\"saidtheOther，\"thatanameshouldeconomisedescriptionratherthanstimulateimagination？\"
\"Properlychosen，itshoulddoboth。Thereismyladykittenathome，forinstance；I’vecalleditDerry。\"
\"Suggestsnothingtomyimaginationbutprotractedsiegesandreligiousanimosities。Ofcourse，Idon’tknowyourkitten\"
—
\"Oh，you’resilly。It’sasweetname，anditanswerstoit——
whenitwantsto。Then，ifthereareanyunseemlynoisesinthenight，theycanbeexplainedsuccinctly：DerryandToms。\"
\"Youmightalmostchargefortheadvertisement。Butasappliedtopictures，don’tyouthinkyoursystemwouldbetoosubtle，say，fortheCountryCousins？\"
\"Everyreformationmusthaveitsvictims。Youcan’texpectthefattedcalftosharetheenthusiasmoftheangelsovertheprodigal’sreturn。AnotherdarlingweaknessoftheAcademyisthatnoneofitsluminariesmust’arrive’inahurry。Youcanseethemcomingforyears，likeaBalkantroubleorastreetimprovement，andbythetimetheyhavepaintedathousandorsosquareyardsofcanvas，theirworkbeginstoberecognised。\"
\"SomeonewhoMustNotbeContradictedsaidthatamanmustbeasuccessbythetimehe’sthirty，ornever。\"
\"Tohavereachedthirty，\"saidReginald，\"istohavefailedinlife。\"
REGINALDATTHETHEATRE
\"Afterall，\"saidtheDuchessvaguely，\"therearecertainthingsyoucan’tgetawayfrom。Rightandwrong，goodconductandmoralrectitude，havecertainwell—definedlimits。\"
\"So，forthematterofthat，\"repliedReginald，\"hastheRussianEmpire。Thetroubleisthatthelimitsarenotalwaysinthesameplace。\"
ReginaldandtheDuchessregardedeachotherwithmutualdistrust，temperedbyascientificinterest。ReginaldconsideredthattheDuchesshadmuchtolearn；inparticular，nottohurryoutoftheCarltonasthoughafraidoflosingone’slast’bus。Awoman，hesaid，whoiscarelessofdisappearancesiscapableofleavingtownbeforeGood—wood，anddyingatthewrongmomentofanunfashionabledisease。
TheDuchessthoughtthatReginalddidnotexceedtheethicalstandardwhichcircumstancesdemanded。
\"Ofcourse，\"sheresumedcombatively，\"it’stheprevailingfashiontobelieveinperpetualchangeandmutability，andallthatsortofthing，andtosayweareallmerelyanimprovedformofprimevalape——ofcourseyousubscribetothatdoctrine？\"
\"Ithinkitdecidedlypremature；inmostpeopleIknowtheprocessisfarfromcomplete。\"
\"Andequallyofcourseyouarequiteirreligious？\"
\"Oh，bynomeans。ThefashionjustnowisaRomanCatholicframeofmindwithanAgnosticconscience：yougetthemediaevalpicturesquenessoftheonewiththemodernconveniencesoftheother。\"
TheDuchesssuppressedasniff。ShewasoneofthosepeoplewhoregardtheChurchofEnglandwithpatronisingaffection，asifitweresomethingthathadgrownupintheirkitchengarden。
\"Butthereareotherthings，\"shecontinued，\"whichIsupposearetoacertainextentsacredeventoyou。Patriotism，forinstance，andEmpire，andImperialresponsibility，andblood—
is—thicker—than—water，andallthatsortofthing。\"
Reginaldwaitedforacoupleofminutesbeforereplying，whiletheLordofRiminitemporarilymonopolisedtheacousticpossibilitiesofthetheatre。
\"Thatistheworstofatragedy，\"heobserved，\"onecan’talwayshearoneselftalk。OfcourseIaccepttheImperialideaandtheresponsibility。Afterall，IwouldjustassoonthinkinContinentsasanywhereelse。Andsomeday，whentheseasonisoverandwehavethetime，youshallexplaintometheexactblood—brotherhoodandallthatsortofthingthatexistsbetweenaFrenchCanadianandamildHindooandaYorkshireman，forinstance。\"
\"Oh，well，’dominionoverpalmandpine，’youknow，\"quotedtheDuchesshopefully；\"ofcoursewemustn’tforgetthatwe’reallpartofthegreatAnglo—SaxonEmpire。\"
\"WhichforitspartisrapidlybecomingasuburbofJerusalem。Averypleasantsuburb，Iadmit，andquiteacharmingJerusalem。Butstillasuburb。\"
\"Really，tobetoldone’slivinginasuburbwhenoneisconsciousofspreadingthebenefitsofcivilisationallovertheworld！Philanthropy——IsupposeyouwillsayTHATisacomfortabledelusion；andyetevenyoumustadmitthatwheneverwantormiseryorstarvationisknowntoexist，howeverdistantordifficultofaccess，weinstantlyorganisereliefonthemostgenerousscale，anddistributeit，ifneedbe，totheuttermostendsoftheearth。\"
TheDuchesspaused，withasenseofultimatetriumph。Shehadmadethesameobservationatadrawing—roommeeting，andithadbeenextremelywellreceived。
\"Iwonder，\"saidReginald，\"ifyouhaveeverwalkeddowntheEmbankmentonawinternight？\"
\"Gracious，no，child！Whydoyouask？\"
\"Ididn’t；Ionlywondered。Andevenyourphilanthropy，practisedinaworldwhereeverythingisbasedoncompetition，musthaveadebitaswellasacreditaccount。
Theyoungravenscryforfood。\"
\"Andarefed。\"
\"Exactly。Whichpresupposesthatsomethingelseisfedupon。\"
\"Oh，you’resimplyexasperating。You’vebeenreadingNietzschetillyouhaven’tgotanysenseofmoralproportionleft。MayIaskifyouaregovernedbyANYlawsofconductwhatever？\"
\"Therearecertainfixedrulesthatoneobservesforone’sowncomfort。Forinstance，neverbeflippantlyrudetoanyinoffensivegrey—beardedstrangerthatyoumaymeetinpineforestsorhotelsmoking—roomsontheContinent。ItalwaysturnsouttobetheKingofSweden。\"
\"Therestraintmustbedreadfullyirksometoyou。WhenIwasyounger，boysofyourageusedtobeniceandinnocent。\"
\"Nowweareonlynice。Onemustspecialiseinthesedays。
WhichremindsmeofthemanIreadofinsomesacredbookwhowasgivenachoiceofwhathemostdesired。Andbecausehedidn’taskfortitlesandhonoursanddignities，butonlyforimmensewealth，theseotherthingscametohimalso。\"
\"Iamsureyoudidn’treadabouthiminanysacredbook。\"
\"Yes；IfancyyouwillfindhiminDebrett。\"
REGINALD’SPEACEPOEM
\"I’mwritingapoemonPeace，\"saidReginald，emergingfromasweepingoperationthroughatinofmixedbiscuits，inwhosedepthsamacaroonortwomightyetbelurking。
\"Somethingofthekindseemstohavebeenattemptedalready，\"
saidtheOther。
\"Oh，Iknow；butImayneverhavethechanceagain。Besides，I’vegotanewfountainpen。Idon’tpretendtohavegoneonanyveryoriginallines；inwritingaboutPeacethethingistosaywhateverybodyelseissaying，onlytosayitbetter。
Itbeginswiththeusualornithologicalemotion—
’WhenthewidgeonwestwardwingingHeardthefolkVereeniginging，Heardtheshoutingandthesinging’\"—
\"Vereenigingingisgood，butwhywidgeon？\"
\"Whynot？AnythingthatwingedwestwardwouldnaturallybeginwithaW。\"
\"Needitwingwestward？\"
\"Thebirdmustgosomewhere。Youwouldn’thaveithangaroundandlookfoolish。ThenI’vebroughtinsomethingabouttheheedlesshartebeestgallopingoverthedesertedveldt。\"
\"Ofcourseyouknowit’spracticallyextinctinthoseregions？\"
\"Ican’thelpTHAT，itgallopssonicely。Imakeithaveallsortsofunexpectedyearnings—
’Mother，mayIgoandmaffick，Teararoundandhindertraffic？’
Ofcourseyou’llsaytherewouldbenotrafficworthbotheringaboutonthebareandsun—scorchedveldt，butthere’snootherwordthatrhymeswithmaffick。\"
\"Seraphic？\"
Reginaldconsidered。\"Itmightdo，butI’vegotalotaboutangelslateron。YoumusthaveangelsinaPeacepoem；I
knowdreadfullylittleabouttheirhabits。\"
\"Theycandounexpectedthings，likethehartebeest。\"
\"Ofcourse。ThenIturnonLondon，theCityofDreadfulNocturnes，resonantwithhymnsofjoyandthanksgiving—
’Andthesleeper，eyeunlidding，HeardavoiceforeverbiddingMuchfarewelltoDollyGray；
Turningwearyonhistruckle—
Bedheheardthehoney—suckleLaudedinapiarianlay。’
Longfellowathisbestwrotenothinglikethat。\"
\"Iagreewithyou。\"
\"Iwishyouwouldn’t。I’veasweettemper，butIcan’tstandbeingagreedwith。AndI’msoworriedabouttheaasvogel。\"
Reginaldstareddismallyatthebiscuit—tin，whichnowpresentedanunattractivearrayofrejectedcracknels。
\"Ibelieve，\"hemurmured，\"ifIcouldfindawomanwithanunsatisfiedcravingforcracknels，Ishouldmarryher。\"
\"Whatisthetragedyoftheaasvogel？\"askedtheOthersympathetically。
\"Oh，simplythatthere’snorhymeforit。IthoughtaboutitallthetimeIwasdressing——it’sdreadfullybadforonetothinkwhilstone’sdressing——andalllunch—time，andI’mstillhungupoverit。Ifeellikethoseunfortunateautomobilistswhoachieveanunenviablemotorietybycomingtoahopelessstopwiththeircarsinthemostcrowdedthoroughfares。I’mafraidIshallhavetodroptheaasvogel，anditdidgivesuchlovelylocalcolourtothething。\"
\"Stillyou’vegottheheedlesshartebeest。\"
\"Andquiteadecorativebitofmoraladmonition——whenyou’veworriedthemeaningout—
’Cease，War，thybubblingmadnessthatthewineshares，Andbidthylegionsturntheirswordstomineshares。’
Minesharesseemstofitthecasebetterthanploughshares。
There’slotsmoreabouttheblessingsofPeace，shallIgoonreadingit？\"
\"IfImustmakeachoice，IthinkIwouldrathertheywentonwiththewar。\"
REGINALD’SCHOIRTREAT
\"Never，\"wroteReginaldtohismostdarlingfriend，\"beapioneer。It’stheEarlyChristianthatgetsthefattestlion。\"
Reginald，inhisway，wasapioneer。
NoneoftherestofhisfamilyhadanythingapproachingTitianhairorasenseofhumour，andtheyusedprimrosesasatabledecoration。
ItfollowsthattheyneverunderstoodReginald，whocamedownlatetobreakfast，andnibbledtoast，andsaiddisrespectfulthingsabouttheuniverse。Thefamilyateporridge，andbelievedineverything，eventheweatherforecast。
Thereforethefamilywasrelievedwhenthevicar’sdaughterundertookthereformationofReginald。HernamewasAmabel；
itwasthevicar’soneextravagance。Amabelwasaccountedabeautyandintellectuallygifted；sheneverplayedtennis，andwasreputedtohavereadMaeterlinck’sLifeoftheBee。
IfyouabstainfromtennisANDreadMaeterlinckinasmallcountryvillage，youareofnecessityintellectual。AlsoshehadbeentwicetoFecamptopickupagoodFrenchaccentfromtheAmericansstayingthere；consequentlyshehadaknowledgeoftheworldwhichmightbeconsideredusefulindealingswithaworldling。
HencethecongratulationsinthefamilywhenAmabelundertookthereformationofitswaywardmember。
Amabelcommencedoperationsbyaskingherunsuspectingpupiltoteainthevicaragegarden；shebelievedinthehealthyinfluenceofnaturalsurroundings，neverhavingbeeninSicily，wherethingsaredifferent。
Andlikeeverywomanwhohaseverpreachedrepentancetounregenerateyouth，shedweltonthesinofanemptylife，whichalwaysseemssomuchmorescandalousinthecountry，wherepeopleriseearlytoseeifanewstrawberryhashappenedduringthenight。
Reginaldrecalledtheliliesofthefield，\"whichsimplysatandlookedbeautiful，anddefiedcompetition。\"
\"Butthatisnotanexampleforustofollow，\"gaspedAmabel。
\"Unfortunately，wecan’taffordto。Youdon’tknowwhataworldoftroubleItakeintryingtorivaltheliliesintheirartisticsimplicity。\"
\"Youarereallyindecentlyvainofyourappearance。Agoodlifeisinfinitelypreferabletogoodlooks。\"
\"Youagreewithmethatthetwoareincompatible。Ialwayssaybeautyisonlysindeep。\"
Amabelbegantorealisethatthebattleisnotalwaystothestrong—minded。Withtheimmemorialresourceofhersex，sheabandonedthefrontalattack，andlaidstressonherunassistedlaboursinparishwork，hermentalloneliness，herdiscouragements——andattherightmomentsheproducedstrawberriesandcream。Reginaldwasobviouslyaffectedbythelatter，andwhenhispreceptresssuggestedthathemightbeginthestrenuouslifebyhelpinghertosupervisetheannualoutingofthebucolicinfantswhocomposedthelocalchoir，hiseyesshonewiththedangerousenthusiasmofaconvert。
Reginaldenteredonthestrenuouslifealone，asfarasAmabelwasconcerned。Themostvirtuouswomenarenotproofagainstdampgrass，andAmabelkeptherbedwithacold。
Reginaldcalleditadispensation；ithadbeenthedreamofhislifetostage—manageachoirouting。Withstrategicinsight，heledhisshy，bullet—headedchargestothenearestwoodlandstreamandallowedthemtobathe；thenheseatedhimselfontheirdiscardedgarmentsanddiscoursedontheirimmediatefuture，which，hedecreed，wastoembraceaBacchanalianprocessionthroughthevillage。Forethoughthadprovidedtheoccasionwithasupplyoftinwhistles，buttheintroductionofahe—goatfromaneighbouringorchardwasabrilliantafterthought。Properly，Reginaldexplained，thereshouldhavebeenanoutfitofpantherskins；asitwas，thosewhohadspottedhandkerchiefswereallowedtowearthem，whichtheydidwiththankfulness。Reginaldrecognisedtheimpossibility，inthetimeathisdisposal，ofteachinghisshiveringneophytesachantinhonourofBacchus，sohestartedthemoffwithamorefamiliar，iflessappropriate，temperancehymn。Afterall，hesaid，itisthespiritofthethingthatcounts。Followingtheetiquetteofdramaticauthorsonfirstnights，heremaineddiscreetlyinthebackgroundwhiletheprocession，withextremediffidenceandthegoat，wounditswaylugubriouslytowardsthevillage。
Thesinginghaddieddownlongbeforethemainstreetwasreached，butthemiserablewailingofpipesbroughttheinhabitantstotheirdoors。Reginaldsaidhehadseensomethinglikeitinpictures；thevillagershadseennothinglikeitintheirlives，andremarkedasmuchfreely。
Reginald’sfamilyneverforgavehim。Theyhadnosenseofhumour。
REGINALDONWORRIES
Ihave（saidReginald）anauntwhoworries。She’snotreallyanaunt——asortofamateurone，andtheyaren’treallyworries。Sheisasocialsuccess，andhasnodomestictragediesworthspeakingof，sosheadoptsanydecorativesorrowsthataregoing，myselfincluded。Inthatwayshe’stheantithesis，orwhateveryoucallit，tothosesweet，uncomplainingwomenoneknowswhohaveseentrouble，andwornblinkerseversince。Ofcourse，onejustlovesthemforit，butImustconfesstheymakemeuncomfy；theyremindonesoofaduckthatgoesflappingaboutwithforcedcheerfulnesslongafteritshead’sbeencutoff。DuckshaveNOrepose。
Now，myaunthasashadeofhairthatsuitsher，andacookwhoquarrelswiththeotherservants，whichisalwaysahopefulsign，andaconsciencethat’sabsenteeforaboutelevenmonthsoftheyear，andonlyturnsupatLenttoannoyherhusband’speople，whoareconsiderablyLowerthantheangels，sotospeak：withallthesenaturaladvantages——shesaysherparticulartintofbronzeisanaturaladvantage，andtherecanbenotwoopinionsastotheadvantage——ofcourseshehastosendoutforherafflictions，likethoserestaurantswheretheyhaven’tgotalicence。Thesystemhasthisadvantage，thatyoucanfityourunhappinessesinwithyourotherengagements，whereasrealworrieshaveawayofarrivingatmeal—times，andwhenyou’redressing，orothersolemnmoments。Iknewacanaryoncethathadbeentryingformonthsandyearstohatchoutafamily，andeveryonelookeduponitasablamelessinfatuation，likethesaleofDelagoaBay，whichwouldbeanannuallosstothePressagenciesifitevercametopass；andonedaythebirdreallydidbringitoff，inthemiddleoffamilyprayers。Isaythemiddle，butitwasalsotheend：youcan’tgoonbeingthankfulfordailybreadwhenyouarewonderingwhatonearthverynewcanariesexpecttobefedon。
Atpresentshe’sratherinaBalkanstateofmindaboutthetreatmentoftheJewsinRoumania。Personally，IthinktheJewshaveestimablequalities；they’resokindtotheirpoor—
—andtoourrich。IdaresayinRoumaniathecostoflivingbeyondone’sincomeisn’tsogreat。Overherethetroubleisthatsomanypeoplewhohavemoneytothrowaboutseemtohavesuchvagueideaswheretothrowit。Thatfund，forinstance，torelievethevictimsofsuddendisasters——whatisasuddendisaster？There’sMarionMulciber，whoWOULDthinkshecouldplaybridge，justasshewouldthinkshecouldridedownahillonabicycle；onthatoccasionshewenttoahospital，nowshe’sgoneintoaSisterhood——lostallshehad，youknow，andgavetheresttoHeaven。Still，youcan’tcallitasuddencalamity；THAToccurredwhenpoordearMarionwasborn。Thedoctorssaidatthetimethatshecouldn’tlivemorethanafortnight，andshe’sbeentryingeversincetoseeifshecould。Womenaresoopinionated。
Andthenthere’stheEducationQuestion——notthatIcanseethatthere’sanythingtoworryaboutinthatdirection。Tomymind，educationisanabsurdlyover—ratedaffair。Atleast，onenevertookitveryseriouslyatschool，whereeverythingwasdonetobringitprominentlyunderone’snotice。Anythingthatisworthknowingonepracticallyteachesoneself，andtherestobtrudesitselfsoonerorlater。Thereasonone’seldersknowsocomparativelylittleisbecausetheyhavetounlearnsomuchthattheyacquiredbywayofeducationbeforewewereborn。OfcourseI’mabelieverinNature—study；asIsaidtoLadyBeauwhistle，ifyouwantalessoninelaborateartificiality，justwatchthestudiedunconcernofaPersiancatenteringacrowdedsalon，andthengoandpractiseitforafortnight。TheBeauwhistlesweren’tborninthePurple，youknow，butthey’regettingthereontheinstalmentsystem——somuchdown，andtherestwhenyoufeellikeit。Theyhavekindhearts，andtheyneverforgetbirthdays。Iforgetwhathewas，somethingintheCity，wherethepatriotismcomesfrom；andshe——oh，well，herfrocksarebuiltinParis，butshewearsthemwithastrongEnglishaccent。Sopublic—spiritedofher。Ithinkshemusthavebeenverystrictlybroughtup，she’ssodesperatelyanxioustodothewrongthingcorrectly。
Notthatitreallymattersnowadays，asItoldher：Iknowsomeperfectlyvirtuouspeoplewhoarereceivedeverywhere。
REGINALDONHOUSE—PARTIES
Thedrawbackis，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’shostsandhostesses。Onegetstoknowtheirfox—terriersandtheirchrysanthemums，andwhetherthestoryaboutthego—cartcanbeturnedlooseinthedrawing—room，ormustbetoldprivatelytoeachmemberoftheparty，forfearofshockingpublicopinion；butone’shostandhostessareasortofhumanhinterlandthatoneneverhasthetimetoexplore。
TherewasafellowIstayedwithonceinWarwickshirewhofarmedhisownland，butwasotherwisequitesteady。Shouldneverhavesuspectedhimofhavingasoul，yetnotverylongafterwardsheelopedwithalion—tamer’swidowandsetupasagolf—instructorsomewhereonthePersianGulf；dreadfullyimmoral，ofcourse，becausehewasonlyanindifferentplayer，butstill，itshowedimagination。Hiswifewasreallytobepitied，becausehehadbeentheonlypersoninthehousewhounderstoodhowtomanagethecook’stemper，andnowshehastoput\"D。V。\"onherdinnerinvitations。Still，that’sbetterthanadomesticscandal；awomanwholeaveshercookneverwhollyrecoversherpositioninSociety。
Isupposethesamethingholdsgoodwiththehosts；theyseldomhavemorethanasuperficialacquaintancewiththeirguests，andsooftenjustwhentheydogettoknowyouabitbetter，theyleaveoffknowingyoualtogether。TherewasRATHERabreathofwinterintheairwhenIleftthoseDorset—shirepeople。Yousee，theyhadaskedmedowntoshoot，andI’mnotparticularlyimmenseatthatsortofthing。There’ssuchadeadlysamenessaboutpartridges；whenyou’vemissedone，you’vemissedthelot——atleast，that’sbeenmyexperience。Andtheytriedtoragmeinthesmoking—
roomaboutnotbeingabletohitabirdatfiveyards，asortofbovineraggingthatsuggestedcowsbuzzingroundagadflyandthinkingtheywereteasingit。SoIgotupthenextmorningatearlydawn——Iknowitwasdawn，becausetherewerelark—noisesinthesky，andthegrasslookedasifithadbeenleftoutallnight——andhuntedupthemostconspicuousthinginthebirdlinethatIcouldfind，andmeasuredthedistance，asnearlyasitwouldletme，andshotawayallI
knew。Theysaidafterwardsthatitwasatamebird；that’ssimplySILLY，becauseitwasawfullywildatthefirstfewshots。Afterwardsitquieteddownabit，andwhenitslegshadstoppedwavingfarewellstothelandscapeIgotagardener—boytodragitintothehall，whereeverybodymustseeitontheirwaytothebreakfast—room。Ibreakfastedupstairsmyself。Igatheredafterwardsthatthemealwastingedwithaveryunchristianspirit。Isupposeit’sunluckytobringpeacock’sfeathersintoahouse；anyway，therewasablue—pencillylookinmyhostess’seyewhenI
tookmydeparture。
Somehostesses，ofcourse，willforgiveanything，evenuntopavonicide（istheresuchaword？），aslongasoneisnice—
lookingandsufficientlyunusualtocounterbalancesomeoftheothers；andthereAREothers——thegirl，forinstance，whoreadsMeredith，andappearsatmealswithunnaturalpunctualityinafrockthat’smadeathomeandrepentedatleisure。SheeventuallyfindsherwaytoIndiaandgetsmarried，andcomeshometoadmiretheRoyalAcademy，andtoimaginethatanindifferentprawncurryisforeveraneffectivesubstituteforallthatwehavebeentaughttobelieveisluncheon。It’sthenthatsheisreallydangerous；
butatherworstsheisneverquitesobadasthewomanwhofiresExchangeandMartquestionsatyouwithouttheleastprovocation。Imaginetheotherday，justwhenIwasdoingmybesttounderstandhalfthethingsIwassaying，beingaskedbyoneofthoseseekersaftercountryhometruthshowmanyfowlsshecouldkeepinaruntenfeetbysix，orwhateveritwas！Itoldherwholecrowds，aslongasshekeptthedoorshut，andtheideadidn’tseemtohavestruckherbefore；atleast，shebroodedoveritfortherestofdinner。
Ofcourse，asIsay，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’sground，andonemaymakemistakesoccasionally。Butthenone’smistakessometimesturnoutassetsinthelong—run：ifwehadneverbungledawayourAmericancolonieswemightneverhavehadtheboyfromtheStatestoteachushowtowearourhairandcutourclothes，andwemustgetourideasfromsomewhere，I
suppose。EventheHooliganwasprobablyinventedinChinacenturiesbeforewethoughtofhim。Englandmustwakeup，astheDukeofDevonshiresaidtheotherday；wasn’tit？Oh，well，itwassomeoneelse。NotthatIeverindulgeindespairabouttheFuture；therealwayshavebeenmenwhohavegoneaboutdespairingoftheFuture，andwhentheFuturearrivesitsaysnice，superiorthingsabouttheirhavingactedaccordingtotheirlights。Itisdreadfultothinkthatotherpeople’sgrandchildrenmayonedayriseupandcalloneamiable。
TherearemomentswhenonesympathiseswithHerod。