REGINALDATTHECARLTON
\"Amostvariableclimate，\"saidtheDuchess；\"andhowunfortunatethatweshouldhavehadthatverycoldweatheratatimewhencoalwassodear！Sodistressingforthepoor。\"
\"SomeonehasobservedthatProvidenceisalwaysonthesideofthebigdividends，\"remarkedReginald。
TheDuchessateananchovyinashockedmanner；shewassufficientlyold—fashionedtodislikeirreverencetowardsdividends。
Reginaldhadlefttheselectionofafeeding—groundtoherwomanlyintuition，buthechosethewinehimself，knowingthatwomanlyintuitionstopsshortatclaret。Awomanwillcheerfullychoosehusbandsforherlessattractivefriends，ortakesidesinapoliticalcontroversywithouttheleastknowledgeoftheissuesinvolved——butnowomanevercheerfullychoseaclaret。
\"Horsd’oeuvreshavealwaysapatheticinterestforme，\"saidReginald：\"theyremindmeofone’schildhoodthatonegoesthrough，wonderingwhatthenextcourseisgoingtobelike——
andduringtherestofthemenuonewishesonehadeatenmoreofthehorsd’oeuvres。Don’tyoulovewatchingthedifferentwayspeoplehaveofenteringarestaurant？Thereisthewomanwhoracesinasthoughherwholeschemeoflifewereheldtogetherbyaone—pindespotismwhichmightabdicateitsfunctionsatanymoment；it’sreallyarelieftoseeherreachherchairinsafety。Thentherearethepeoplewhotroopinwithan—unpleasant—duty—to—performair，asiftheywereangelsofDeathenteringaplaguecity。YouseethattypeofBritonverymuchinhotelsabroad。AndnowadaystherearealwaystheJohannesbourgeois，whobringaCape—to—
Cairoatmospherewiththem——whatmaybecalledtheRandManner，Isuppose。\"
\"Talkingabouthotelsabroad，\"saidtheDuchess，\"IampreparingnotesforalectureattheClubontheeducationaleffectsofmoderntravel，dealingchieflywiththemoralsideofthequestion。IwastalkingtoLadyBeauwhistle’saunttheotherday——she’sjustcomebackfromParis，youknow。
Suchasweetwoman\"—
\"Andsosilly。Inthesedaysoftheover—educationofwomenshe’squiterefreshing。TheysaysomepeoplewentthroughthesiegeofPariswithoutknowingthatFranceandGermanywereatwar；buttheBeauwhistleauntiscreditedwithhavingpassedthewholewinterinParisundertheimpressionthattheHumbertswereakindofbicycle……Isn’tthereabishoporsomebodywhobelievesweshallmeetalltheanimalswehaveknownonearthinanotherworld？HowfrightfullyembarrassingtomeetawholeshoalofwhitebaityouhadlastknownatPrince’s！I’msureinmynervousnessIshouldtalkofnothingbutlemons。Still，Idaresaytheywouldbequiteasoffendedifonehadn’teatenthem。IknowifIwereservedupatacannibalfeastIshouldbedreadfullyannoyedifanyonefoundfaultwithmefornotbeingtenderenough，orhavingbeenkepttoolong。\"
\"Myideaaboutthelecture，\"resumedtheDuchesshurriedly，\"istoinquirewhetherpromiscuousContinentaltraveldoesn’ttendtoweakenthemoralfibreofthesocialconscience。
Therearepeopleoneknows，quitenicepeoplewhentheyareinEngland，whoaresoDIFFERENTwhentheyareanywheretheothersideoftheChannel。\"
\"ThepeoplewithwhatIcallTauchnitzmorals，\"observedReginald。\"Onthewhole，Ithinktheygetthebestoftwoverydesirableworlds。And，afterall，theychargesomuchforexcessluggageonsomeofthoseforeignlinesthatit’sreallyaneconomytoleaveone’sreputationbehindoneoccasionally。\"
\"Ascandal，mydearReginald，isasmuchtobeavoidedatMonacooranyofthoseplacesasatExeter，letussay。\"
\"Scandal，mydearIrene——ImaycallyouIrene，mayn’tI？\"
\"Idon’tknowthatyouhaveknownmelongenoughforthat。\"
\"I’veknownyoulongerthanyourgod—parentshadwhentheytookthelibertyofcallingyouthatname。Scandalismerelythecompassionateallowancewhichthegaymaketothehumdrum。Thinkhowmanyblamelesslivesarebrightenedbytheblazingindiscretionsofotherpeople。Tellme，whoisthewomanwiththeoldlaceatthetableonourleft？Oh，THATdoesn’tmatter；it’squitethethingnowadaystostareatpeopleasiftheywereyearlingsatTattersall’s。\"
\"Mrs。Spelvexit？Quiteacharmingwoman；separatedfromherhusband\"—
\"Incompatibilityofincome？\"
\"Oh，nothingofthatsort。Bymilesoffrozenocean，Iwasgoingtosay。Heexploresice—floesandstudiesthemovementsofherrings，andhaswrittenamostinterestingbookonthehome—lifeoftheEsquimaux；butnaturallyhehasverylittlehome—lifeofhisown。\"
\"AhusbandwhocomeshomewiththeGulfStreamWOULDberatheratied—upasset。\"
\"Hiswifeisexceedinglysensibleaboutit。Shecollectspostage—stamps。Sucharesource。ThosepeoplewithheraretheWhimples，veryoldacquaintancesofmine；they’realwayshavingtrouble，poorthings。\"
\"Troubleisnotoneofthosefanciesyoucantakeupanddropatanymoment；it’slikeagrouse—moorortheopium—habit——
onceyoustartityou’vegottokeepitup。\"
\"Theireldestsonwassuchadisappointmenttothem；theywantedhimtobealinguist，andspentnoendofmoneyonhavinghimtaughttospeak——oh，dozensoflanguages！——andthenhebecameaTrappistmonk。Andtheyoungest，whowasintendedfortheAmericanmarriagemarket，hasdevelopedpoliticaltendencies，andwritespamphletsaboutthehousingofthepoor。Ofcourseit’samostimportantquestion，andI
devoteagooddealoftimetoitmyselfinthemornings；but，asLauraWhimplesays，it’saswelltohaveanestablishmentofone’sownbeforeagitatingaboutotherpeople’s。Shefeelsitverykeenly，butshealwaysmaintainsacheerfulappetite，whichIthinkissounselfishofher。\"
\"Therearedifferentwaysoftakingdisappointment。TherewasagirlIknewwhonursedawealthyunclethroughalongillness，bornebyherwithChristianfortitude，andthenhediedandlefthismoneytoaswine—feverhospital。Shefoundshe’daboutclearedstockinfortitudebythattime，andnowshegivesdrawing—roomrecitations。That’swhatIcallbeingvindictive。\"
\"Lifeisfullofitsdisappointments，\"observedtheDuchess，\"andIsupposetheartofbeinghappyistodisguisethemasillusions。Butthat，mydearReginald，becomesmoredifficultasonegrowsolder。\"
\"Ithinkit’smoregenerallypractisedthanyouimagine。Theyounghaveaspirationsthatnevercometopass，theoldhavereminiscencesofwhatneverhappened。It’sonlythemiddle—
agedwhoarereallyconsciousoftheirlimitations——thatiswhyoneshouldbesopatientwiththem。Butoneneveris。\"
\"Afterall，\"saidtheDuchess，\"thedisillusionsoflifemaydependonourwayofassessingit。Inthemindsofthosewhocomeafteruswemayberememberedforqualitiesandsuccesseswhichwequiteleftoutofthereckoning。\"
\"It’snotalwayssafetodependonthecommemorativetendenciesofthosewhocomeafterus。Theremayhavebeendisillusionmentsinthelivesofthemediaevalsaints，buttheywouldscarcelyhavebeenbetterpleasediftheycouldhaveforeseenthattheirnameswouldbeassociatednowadayschieflywithracehorsesandthecheaperclarets。Andnow，ifyoucantearyourselfawayfromthesaltedalmonds，we’llgoandhavecoffeeunderthepalmsthataresonecessaryforourdiscomfort。\"
REGINALDONBESETTINGSINS
THEWOMANWHOTOLDTHETRUTH
Therewasonce（saidReginald）awomanwhotoldthetruth。
Notallatonce，ofcourse，butthehabitgrewuponhergradually，likelichenonanapparentlyhealthytree。Shehadnochildren——otherwiseitmighthavebeendifferent。Itbeganwithlittlethings，fornoparticularreasonexceptthatherlifewasaratheremptyone，anditissoeasytoslipintothehabitoftellingthetruthinlittlematters。
Andthenitbecamedifficulttodrawthelineatmoreimportantthings，untilatlastshetooktotellingthetruthaboutherage；shesaidshewasforty—twoandfivemonths——bythattime，yousee，shewasveraciouseventomonths。Itmayhavebeenpleasingtotheangels，buthereldersisterwasnotgratified。OntheWoman’sbirthday，insteadoftheopera—ticketswhichshehadhopedfor，hersistergaveheraviewofJerusalemfromtheMountofOlives，whichisnotquitethesamething。Therevengeofaneldersistermaybelongincoming，but，likeaSouth—Easternexpress，itarrivesinitsowngoodtime。
ThefriendsoftheWomantriedtodissuadeherfromover—
indulgenceinthepractice，butshesaidshewasweddedtothetruth；whereuponitwasremarkedthatitwasscarcelylogicaltobesomuchtogetherinpublic。（Noreallyprovidentwomanlunchesregularlywithherhusbandifshewishestoburstuponhimasarevelationatdinner。Hemusthavetimetoforget；anafternoonisnotenough。）Andafterawhileherfriendsbegantothinoutinpatches。Herpassionforthetruthwasnotcompatiblewithalargevisiting—list。Forinstance，shetoldMiriamKlopstockEXACTLYhowshelookedattheIlexes’ball。CertainlyMiriamhadaskedforhercandidopinion，buttheWomanprayedinchurcheverySundayforpeaceinourtime，anditwasnotconsistent。
Itwasunfortunate，everyoneagreed，thatshehadnofamily；
withachildortwointhehouse，thereisanunconsciouscheckupontoofreeanindulgenceinthetruth。Childrenaregivenustodiscourageourbetteremotions。Thatiswhythestage，withallitsefforts，canneverbeasartificialaslife；eveninanIbsendramaonemustrevealtotheaudiencethingsthatonewouldsuppressbeforethechildrenorservants。
Fatemayhaveordainedthetruth—tellingfromthecommencementandshouldjustlybearsomeoftheblame；butinhavingnochildrentheWomanwasguilty，atleast，ofcontributorynegligence。
Littlebylittleshefeltshewasbecomingaslavetowhathadoncebeenmerelyanidlepropensity；andonedaysheknew。Everywomantellsninetypercent，ofthetruthtoherdressmaker；theothertenpercent，istheirreducibleminimumofdeceptionbeyondwhichnoself—respectingclienttrespasses。MadameDraga’sestablishmentwasameeting—
groundfornakedtruthsandoverdressedfictions，anditwashere，theWomanfelt，thatshemightmakeafinalefforttorecalltheartlessmendacityofpastdays。Madameherselfwasinaninspiringmood，withtheairofasphinxwhoknewallthingsandpreferredtoforgetmostofthem。AsaWarMinistershemighthavebeencelebrated，butshewascontenttobemerelyrich。
\"IfItakeitinhere，and——MissHoward，onemoment，ifyouplease——andthere，androundlikethis——so——Ireallythinkyouwillfinditquiteeasy。\"
TheWomanhesitated；itseemedtorequiresuchasmallefforttosimplyacquiesceinMadame’sviews。Buthabithadbecometoostrong。\"I’mafraid，\"shefaltered，\"it’sjusttheleastlittlebitintheworldtoo\"—
Andbythatleastlittlebitshemeasuredthedeepsandeternitiesofherthraldomtofact。Madamewasnotbestpleasedatbeingcontradictedonaprofessionalmatter，andwhenMadamelosthertemperyouusuallyfounditafterwardsinthebill。
Andatlastthedreadfulthingcame，astheWomanhadforeseenallalongthatitmust；itwasoneofthosepaltrylittletruthswithwhichsheharriedherwakinghours。OnarawWednesdaymorning，inafewill—chosenwords，shetoldthecookthatshedrank。SherememberedthesceneafterwardsasvividlyasthoughithadbeenpaintedinhermindbyAbbey。Thecookwasagoodcook，ascooksgo；andascooksgoshewent。
MiriamKlopstockcametolunchthenextday。Womenandelephantsneverforgetaninjury。
REGINALD’SDRAMA
Reginaldclosedhiseyeswiththeelaboratewearinessofonewhohasratherniceeyelashesandthinksituselesstoconcealthefact。
\"Oneofthesedays，\"hesaid，\"Ishallwriteareallygreatdrama。Noonewillunderstandthedriftofit，buteveryonewillgobacktotheirhomeswithavaguefeelingofdissatisfactionwiththeirlivesandsurroundings。Thentheywillputupnewwall—papersandforget。\"
\"Buthowaboutthosethathaveoakpanellingalloverthehouse？\"saidtheOther。
\"Theycanalwaysputdownnewstair—carpets，\"pursuedReginald，\"and，anyhow，I’mnotresponsiblefortheaudiencehavingahappyending。Theplaywouldbequitesufficientstrainonone’senergies。Ishouldgetabishoptosayitwasimmoralandbeautiful——nodramatisthasthoughtofthatbefore，andeveryonewouldcometocondemnthebishop，andtheywouldstayonoutofsheernervousness。Afterall，itrequiresagreatdealofmoralcouragetoleaveinamarkedmannerinthemiddleofthesecondact，whenyourcarriageisn’torderedtilltwelve。Anditwouldcommencewithwolvesworryingsomethingonalonelywaste——youwouldn’tseethem，ofcourse；butyouwouldhearthemsnarlingandscrunching，andIshouldarrangetohaveawolfyfragrancesuggestedacrossthefootlights。Itwouldlooksowellontheprogrammes，’Wolvesinthefirstact，byJamrach。’AndoldLadyWhortleberry，whonevermissesafirstnight，wouldscream。She’salwaysbeennervoussinceshelostherfirsthusband。Hediedquiteabruptlywhilewatchingacountycricketmatch；twoandahalfinchesofrainhadfallenforsevenruns，anditwassupposedthattheexcitementkilledhim。Anyhow，itgaveherquiteashock；itwasthefirsthusbandshe’dlost，youknow，andnowshealwaysscreamsifanythingthrillinghappenstoosoonafterdinner。AndaftertheaudiencehadheardtheWhortleberryscreamthethingwouldbefairlylaunched。\"
\"Andtheplot？\"
\"Theplot，\"saidReginald，\"wouldbeoneofthoselittleeverydaytragediesthatoneseesgoingonallroundone。Inmymind’seyethereisthecaseoftheMudge—Jervises，whichinanunpretentiouswayhasquiteanEnochArdenintensityunderlyingit。They’donlybeenmarriedsomeeighteenmonthsorso，andcircumstanceshadpreventedtheirseeingmuchofeachother。Withhimtherewasalwaysafoursomeorsomethingthathadtobeplayedandreplayedindifferentpartsofthecountry，andshewentinforslummingquiteasseriouslyasifitwasasport。Withher，Isuppose，itwas。
ShebelongedtotheGuildofthePoorDearSouls，andtheyholdtherecordforhavingnearlyreformedawasherwoman。Noonehaseverreallyreformedawasherwoman，andthatiswhythecompetitionissokeen。Youcanrescuecharwomenbyfiftieswithalittleteaandpersonalmagnetism，butwithwasherwomenit’sdifferent；wagesaretoohigh。Thisparticularlaundress，whocamefromBermondseyorsomesuchplace，wasreallyratherahopefulventure，andtheythoughtatlastthatshemightbesafelyputinthewindowasaspecimenofsuccessfulwork。Sotheyhadherparadedatadrawing—room\"AtHome\"atAgathaCamelford’s；itwassheerbadluckthatsomeliqueurchocolateshadbeenturnedloosebymistakeamongtherefreshments——reallyliqueurchocolates，withverylittlechocolate。Andofcoursetheoldsoulfoundthemout，andcorneredtheentirestock。Itwaslikefindingawhelk—stallinadesert，assheafterwardspartiallyexpressedherself。Whentheliqueursbegantotakeeffect，shestartedtogivethemimitationsoffarmyardanimalsastheyknowtheminBermondsey。Shebeganwithadancingbear，andyouknowAgathadoesn’tapproveofdancing，exceptatBuckinghamPalaceunderpropersupervision。Andthenshegotuponthepianoandgavethemanorganmonkey；IgathershewentinforrealismratherthanaMaeterlinckiantreatmentofthesubjectFinally，shefellintothepianoandsaidshewasaparrotinacage，andforanimpromptuperformanceI
believeshewasveryword——perfect；noonehadheardanythinglikeit，exceptBaronessBoobelsteinwhohasattendedsittingsoftheAustrianReichsrath。AgathaistryingtheRest—cureatBuxton。\"
\"Butthetragedy？\"
\"Oh，theMudge—Jervises。Well，theyweregettingalongquitehappily，andtheirmarriedlifewasonecontinuousexchangeofpicture—postcards；andthenonedaytheywerethrowntogetheronsomeneutralgroundwherefoursomesandwasherwomenoverlapped，anddiscoveredthattheywerehopelesslydividedontheFiscalQuestion。Theyhavethoughtitbesttoseparate，andsheistohavethecustodyofthePersiankittensforninemonthsintheyear——theygobacktohimforthewinter，whensheisabroad。Thereyouhavethematerialforatragedydrawnstraightfromlife——andthepiececouldbecalled’ThePriceTheyPaidforEmpire。’Andofcourseonewouldhavetoworkinstudiesofthestruggleofhereditarytendencyagainstenvironmentandallthatsortofthing。Thewoman’sfathercouldhavebeenanEnvoytosomeofthesmallerGermanCourts；that’swhereshe’dgetherpassionforvisitingthepoor，inspiteofthemostcarefulupbringing。C’estlepremierpaquicompte，asthecuckoosaidwhenitswalloweditsfoster—parent。That，Ithink，isquiteclever。\"
\"Andthewolves？\"
\"Oh，thewolveswouldbeasortofelusiveundercurrentinthebackgroundthatwouldneverbesatisfactorilyexplained。
Afterall，lifeteemswiththingsthathavenoearthlyreason。AndwheneverthecharacterscouldthinkofnothingbrillianttosayaboutmarriageortheWarOffice，theycouldopenawindowandlistentothehowlingofthewolves。Butthatwouldbeveryseldom。\"
REGINALDONTARIFFS
I’mnotgoingtodiscusstheFiscalQuestion（saidReginald）；
Iwishtobeoriginal。Atthesametime，Ithinkonesuffersmorethanonerealisesfromthesystemoffreeimports。I
shouldlike，forinstance，areallyprohibitivedutyputuponthepartnerwhodeclaresonaweakredsuitandhopesforthebest。Evenafreeoutletforcompressedverbiagedoesn’tbalancematters。AndIthinkthereshouldbeasortofbounty—fedexport（isthattherightexpression？）ofthepeoplewhoimpressonyouthatyououghttotakelifeseriously。Thereareonlytwoclassesthatreallycan’thelptakinglifeseriously——schoolgirlsofthirteenandHohenzollerns；theymightbeexempt。Albanianscomeunderanotherheading；theytakelifewhenevertheygettheopportunity。TheoneAlbanianthatIwaseveronspeakingtermswithwasratheradecadentexample。HewasaChristianandagrocer，andIdon’tfancyhehadeverkilledanybody。
Ididn’tliketoquestionhimonthesubject——thatshowedmydelicacy。Mrs。NicoraxsaysIhavenodelicacy；shehasn’tforgivenmeaboutthemice。Yousee，whenIwasstayingdownthere，amouseusedtocake—walkaboutmyroomhalfthenight，andnoneoftheirsillypatenttrapsseemedtotakeitsfancyasabijouresidence，soIdeterminedtoappealtothebettersideofit——whichwithmiceistheinside。SoI
calleditPercy，andputlittledelicaciesdownnearitsholeeverynight，andthatkeptitquietwhileIreadMaxNordau’sDegenerationandotherreprovingliterature，andwenttosleep。Andnowshesaysthereisawholecolonyofmiceinthatroom。
Thatisn’twheretheindelicacycomesin。Shewentoutridingwithme，whichwasentirelyherownsuggestion，andaswewerecominghomethroughsomemeadowsshemadeaquiteunnecessaryattempttoseeifherponywouldjumparathermessysortofbrookthatwasthere。Itwouldn’t。Itwentwithherasfarasthewater’sedge，andfromthatpointMrs。
Nicoraxwentonalone。OfcourseIhadtofishheroutfromthebank，andmyriding—breechesarenotcutwithaviewtosalmon—fishing——it’sratheranarteventorideinthem。Herhabit—skirtwasoneofthoseopenquestionsthatneednotbeadheredtoinemergencies，andonthisoccasionitremainedbehindinsomewater—weeds。Shewantedmetofishaboutforthattoo，butIfeltIhaddoneenoughPharaoh’sdaughterbusinessforanOctoberafternoon，andIwasbeginningtowantmytea。SoIbundledherupontoherpony，andgaveheraleadtowardshomeasfastasIcaredtogo。Whatwiththewetandtheunusualresponsibility，herabridgedcostumedidnotstandthepaceparticularlywell，andshegotquitequerulouswhenIshoutedbackthatIhadnopinswithme——andnostring。Somewomenexpectsomuchfromafellow。Whenwegotintothedriveshewantedtogoupthebackwaytothestables，buttheponiesKNOWtheyalwaysgetsugaratthefrontdoor，andIneverattempttoholdapullingpony；asforMrs。Nicorax，ittookherallsheknewtokeepafirmhandonhersecedinggarments，which，ashermaidremarkedafterwards，weremoretoutthanensemble。Ofcoursenearlythewholehouse—partywereoutonthelawnwatchingthesunset——theonlydaythismonththatit’soccurredtothesuntoshowitself，asMrs。Nic。viciouslyobserved——andIshallneverforgettheexpressiononherhusband’sfaceaswepulledup。\"Mydarling，thisistoomuch！\"washisfirstspokencomment；takingintoconsiderationthestateofhertoilet，itwasthemostbrilliantthingIhadeverheardhimsay，andIwentintothelibrarytobealoneandscream。
Mrs。NicoraxsaysIhavenodelicacy。
Talkingabouttariffs，thelift—boy，whoreadsextensivelybetweenthelandings，saysitwon’tdototaxrawcommodities。What，exactly，isarawcommodity？Mrs。VanChallabysaysmenarerawcommoditiestillyoumarrythem；
afterthey’vestruckMrs。VanC。，Icanfancytheyprettysoonbecomeafinishedarticle。Certainlyshe’shadagooddealofexperiencetosupportheropinion。Shelostonehusbandinarailwayaccident，andmislaidanotherintheDivorceCourt，andthecurrentonehasjustgothimselfsqueezedinaBeefTrust。\"WhatwashedoinginaBeefTrust，anyway？\"sheaskedtearfully，andIsuggestedthatperhapshehadanunhappyhome。Ionlysaiditforthesakeofmakingconversation；whichitdid。Mrs。VanChallabysaidthingsaboutmewhichinhercalmermomentsshewouldhavehesitatedtospell。It’sapitypeoplecan’tdiscussfiscalmatterswithoutgettingwild。However，shewrotenextdaytoaskifIcouldgetheraYorkshireterrierofthesizeandshadethat’sbeingwornnow，andthat’sasnearasawomancanbeexpectedtogettoowningherselfinthewrong。Andshewilltieasalmon—pinkbowtoitscollar，andcallit\"Reggie，\"andtakeitwithhereverywhere——likepoorMiriamKlopstock，whoWOULDtakeherChowwithhertothebathroom，andwhileshewasbathingitwasplayingatshe—bearswithhergarments。Miriamisalwayslateforbreakfast，andshewasn’treallymissedtillthemiddleoflunch。
However，I’mnotgoinganyfurtherintotheFiscalQuestion。
OnlyIshouldliketobeprotectedfromthepartnerwithaweakredtendency。
REGINALD’SCHRISTMASREVEL
Theysay（saidReginald）thatthere’snothingsadderthanvictoryexceptdefeat。Ifyou’veeverstayedwithdullpeopleduringwhatisallegedtobethefestiveseason，youcanprobablyrevisethatsaying。IshallneverforgetputtinginaChristmasattheBabwolds’。Mrs。Babwoldissomerelationofmyfather’s——asortofto—be—left—till—
called—forcousin——andthatwasconsideredsufficientreasonformyhavingtoacceptherinvitationataboutthesixthtimeofasking；thoughwhythesinsofthefathershouldbevisitedbythechildren——youwon’tfindanynotepaperinthatdrawer；that’swhereIkeepoldmenusandfirst—nightprogrammes。
Mrs。Babwoldwearsarathersolemnpersonality，andhasneverbeenknowntosmile，evenwhensayingdisagreeablethingstoherfriendsormakingouttheStoreslist。Shetakesherpleasuressadly。AstateelephantataDurbargivesoneaverysimilarimpression。Herhusbandgardensinallweathers。Whenamangoesoutinthepouringraintobrushcaterpillarsoffrose—trees，Igenerallyimaginehislifeindoorsleavessomethingtobedesired；anyway，itmustbeveryunsettlingforthecaterpillars。
Ofcoursetherewereotherpeoplethere。TherewasaMajorSomebodywhohadshotthingsinLapland，orsomewhereofthatsort；Iforgetwhattheywere，butitwasn’tforwantofreminding。Wehadthemcoldwitheverymealalmost，andhewascontinuallygivingusdetailsofwhattheymeasuredfromtiptotip，asthoughhethoughtweweregoingtomakethemwarmunder—thingsforthewinter。IusedtolistentohimwitharaptattentionthatIthoughtrathersuitedme，andthenonedayIquitemodestlygavethedimensionsofanokapiIhadshotintheLincolnshirefens。TheMajorturnedabeautifulTyrianscarlet（IrememberthinkingatthetimethatIshouldlikemybathroomhunginthatcolour），andI
thinkthatatthatmomenthealmostfounditinhishearttodislikeme。Mrs。Babwoldputonafirst—aid—to—the—injuredexpression，andaskedhimwhyhedidn’tpublishabookofhissportingreminiscences；itwouldbeSOinteresting。Shedidn’tremembertillafterwardsthathehadgivenhertwofatvolumesonthesubject，withhisportraitandautographasafrontispieceandanappendixonthehabitsoftheArcticmussel。
Itwasintheeveningthatwecastasidethecaresanddistractionsofthedayandreallylived。Cardswerethoughttobetoofrivolousandemptyawayofpassingthetime，somostofthemplayedwhattheycalledabookgame。Youwentoutintothehall——togetaninspiration，Isuppose——thenyoucameinagainwithamufflertiedroundyourneckandlookedsilly，andtheothersweresupposedtoguessthatyouwere\"WeeMacGreegor。\"IheldoutagainsttheinanityaslongasIdecentlycould，butatlast，inalapseofgood—nature，I
consentedtomasqueradeasabook，onlyIwarnedthemthatitwouldtakesometimetocarryout。Theywaitedforthebestpartoffortyminutes，whileIwentandplayedwineglassskittleswiththepage—boyinthepantry；youplayitwithachampagnecork，youknow，andtheonewhoknocksdownthemostglasseswithoutbreakingthemwins。Iwon，withfourunbrokenoutofseven；IthinkWilliamsufferedfromover—
anxiousness。Theywererathermadinthedrawing—roomatmynothavingcomeback，andtheyweren’tabitpacifiedwhenI
toldthemafterwardsthatIwas\"Attheendofthepassage。\"
\"IneverdidlikeKipling，\"wasMrs。Babwold’scomment，whenthesituationdawneduponher。\"Icouldn’tseeanythingcleverinEarthwormsoutofTuscany——oristhatbyDarwin？\"
Ofcoursethesegamesareveryeducational，but，personally，Ipreferbridge。
OnChristmaseveningweweresupposedtobespeciallyfestiveintheOldEnglishfashion。Thehallwashorriblydraughty，butitseemedtobetheproperplacetorevelin，anditwasdecoratedwithJapanesefansandChineselanterns，whichgaveitaveryOldEnglisheffect。Ayoungladywithaconfidentialvoicefavoureduswithalongrecitationaboutalittlegirlwhodiedordidsomethingequallyhackneyed，andthentheMajorgaveusagraphicaccountofastrugglehehadwithawoundedbear。Iprivatelywishedthatthebearswouldwinsometimesontheseoccasions；atleasttheywouldn’tgovapouringaboutitafterwards。Beforewehadtimetorecoverourspirits，wewereindulgedwithsomethought—readingbyayoungmanwhomoneknewinstinctivelyhadagoodmotherandanindifferenttailor——thesortofyoungmanwhotalksunflagginglythroughthethickestsoup，andsmoothshishairdubiouslyasthoughhethoughtitmighthitback。Thethought—readingwasratherasuccess；heannouncedthatthehostesswasthinkingaboutpoetry，andsheadmittedthathermindwasdwellingononeofAustin’sodes。Whichwasnearenough。Ifancyshehadbeenreallywonderingwhetherascrag—endofmuttonandsomecoldplum—puddingwoulddoforthekitchendinnernextday。Asacrowningdissipation，theyallsatdowntoplayprogressivehalma，withmilk—chocolateforprizes。I’vebeencarefullybroughtup，andIdon’tliketoplaygamesofskillformilk—chocolate，soIinventedaheadacheandretiredfromthescene。IhadbeenprecededafewminutesearlierbyMissLangshan—Smith，aratherformidablelady，whoalwaysgotupatsomeuncomfortablehourinthemorning，andgaveyoutheimpressionthatshehadbeenincommunicationwithmostoftheEuropeanGovernmentsbeforebreakfast。Therewasapaperpinnedonherdoorwithasignedrequestthatshemightbecalledparticularlyearlyonthemorrow。Suchanopportunitydoesnotcometwiceinalifetime。Icoveredupeverythingexceptthesignaturewithanothernotice，totheeffectthatbeforethesewordsshouldmeettheeyeshewouldhaveendedamisspentlife，wassorryforthetroubleshewasgiving，andwouldlikeamilitaryfuneral。AfewminuteslaterIviolentlyexplodedanair—
filledpaperbagonthelanding，andgaveastagemoanthatcouldhavebeenheardinthecellars。ThenIpursuedmyoriginalintentionandwenttobed。Thenoisethosepeoplemadeinforcingopenthegoodlady’sdoorwaspositivelyindecorous；sheresistedgallantly，butIbelievetheysearchedherforbulletsforaboutaquarterofanhour，asifshehadbeenanhistoricbattlefield。
IhatetravellingonBoxingDay，butonemustoccasionallydothingsthatonedislikes。
REGINALD’SRUBAIYAT
Theotherday（confidedReginald），whenIwaskillingtimeinthebathroomandmakingbadresolutionsfortheNewYear，itoccurredtomethatIwouldliketobeapoet。Thechiefqualification，Iunderstand，isthatyoumustbeborn。Well，Ihuntedupmybirthcertificate，andfoundthatIwasallrightonthatscore，andthenIgottoworkonaHymntotheNewYear，whichstruckmeashavingpossibilities。Itsuggestedextremelyunusualthingstoabsolutelyunlikelypeople，whichIbelieveistheartoffirst—classcateringinanydepartment。Quitethebestverseinitwentsomethinglikethis—
\"Haveyouheardthegroanofagravelledgrouse，Orthesnarlofasnaffledsnail（Husbandormother，likeme，orspouse），Haveyoulaina—creepinthedarkenedhouseWherethewoundedwombatswail？\"
Itwasquiteimprobablethatanyonehad，youknow，andthat’swhereitstimulatedtheimaginationandtookpeopleoutoftheirnarrow，humdrumselves。Noonehasevercalledmenarroworhumdrum，butevenIfeltworkedupnowandthenatthethoughtofthathousewiththestrickenwombatsinit。
Itsimplywasn’tnice。Buttheeditorswereunanimousinleavingitalone；theysaidthethinghadbeendonebeforeanddoneworse，andthatthemarketforthatsortofworkwasextremelylimited。
ItwasjustonthetopofthatdiscouragementthattheDuchesswantedmetowritesomethinginheralbum——somethingPersian，youknow，andjustalittlebitdecadent——andI
thoughtaquatrainonanunwholesomeeggwouldmeettherequirementsofthecase。SoIstartedinwith—
\"Cackle，cackle，littlehen，HowIwonderifandwhenOnceyoulaidtheeggthatI
Met，alas！toolate。Amen。\"
TheDuchessobjectedtotheAmen，whichIthoughtgaveanairofforgivenessandchosejugeetothewholething；alsoshesaiditwasn’tPersianenough，asthoughIweretryingtosellherakittenwhosemotherhadmarriedforloveratherthanpedigree。SoIrecastitentirely，andthenewversionread—
\"Thehenthatlaidtheemoonsago，whoknowsInwhatDeadYesterdayhershadesrepose；
TosomeelectionturnthywaningspanAndrainthyrottennessonfiscalfoes。\"
Ithoughttherewasenoughsuggestionofdecayinthattosatisfyajackal，andtometherewassomethinginfinitelypatheticandappealingintheideaoftheegghavingasortofSt。Luke’ssummerofcommercialusefulness。ButtheDuchessbeggedmetoleaveoutanypoliticalallusions；she’sthepresidentofaWomen’sSomethingorother，andshesaiditmightbetakenasanendorsementofdeplorable，methods。
InevercanrememberwhichPartyIrenediscourageswithhersupport，butIshan’tforgetanoccasionwhenIwasstayingatherplaceandshegavemeapamphlettoleaveatthehouseofadoubtfulvoter，andsomegrapesandthingsforawomanwhowassufferingfromachillonthetopofapatentmedicine。Ithoughtitmuchcleverertogivethegrapestotheformerandthepoliticalliteraturetothesickwoman，andtheDuchesswasquiteabsurdlyannoyedaboutitafterwards。Itseemstheleafletwasaddressed\"Tothoseabouttowobble\"——Iwasn’tresponsibleforthesillytitleofthething——andthewomanneverrecovered；anyway，thevoterwascompletelywonoverbythegrapesandjellies，andI
thinkthatshouldhavebalancedmatters。TheDuchesscalleditbribery，andsaiditmighthavecompromisedthecandidateshewassupporting；hewasexpectedtosubscribetochurchfundsandchapelfunds，andfootballandcricketclubsandregattas，andbazaarsandbeanfeastsandbellringers，andpoultryshowsandploughingmatches，andreading—roomsandchoiroutings，andshootingtrophiesandtestimonials，andanythingofthatsort；butbriberywouldnothavebeentolerated。
IfancyIhaveperhapsmoretalentforelectioneeringthanforpoetry，andIwasreallygettingextendedoverthisquatrainbusiness。Theeggbegantobeunmanageable，andtheDuchesssuggestedsomethingwithaFrenchliteraryringaboutit。IhuntedbackinmymindforthemostfamiliarFrenchclassicthatIcouldtakelibertieswith，andafteralittleexerciseofmemoryIturnedoutthefollowing：—
\"Hastthouthepenthatoncethegardenerhad？
Ihaveitnot；andknow，thesepearsarehad。
Oh，largerthanthehorsesofthePrinceArethosethegeneraldrivesinKaikobad。\"
Eventhatdidn’taltogethersatisfyIrene；Ifancythegeographyofitpuzzledher。SheprobablythoughtKaikobadwasanunfashionableGermanspa，whereyou’dmeetmatrimonialbargain—huntersandemergencyServiankings。MytemperwasbeginningtoslipitsmooringsbythattimeIlookrathernicewhenIlosemytemper。（IhopedyouwouldsayIloseitveryoften。Imustn’tmonopolisetheconversation。）
\"Ofcourse，ifyouwantsomethingreallyPersianandpassionate，withredwineandbulbulsinit，\"Iwentontosuggest；butshegrabbedthebookawayfromme。
\"Notforworlds。Nothingwithredwineorpassioninit。
DearAgathagavemethealbum，andshewouldbemortifiedtothequick\"—
IsaidIdidn’tbelieveAgathahadaquick，andwegotquiteheatedinarguingthematter。Finally，theDuchessdeclaredIshouldn’twriteanythingnastyinherbook，andIsaidI
wouldn’twriteanythinginhernastybook，sotherewasn’taverywidepointofdifferencebetweenus。FortherestoftheafternoonIpretendedtobesulking，butIwasreallyworkingbacktothatquatrain，likeafox—terrierthat’sburiedadeferredlunchinaprivateflower—bed。WhenIgotanopportunityIhuntedupAgatha’sautograph，whichhadthefrontpagealltoitself，and，copyingherprimhandwritingaswellasIcould，IinsertedaboveitthefollowingThibetanfragment：—
\"WithThee，oh，myBeloved，todoadak（adakIbelieveisasortofuncomfortablepost—journey）
Onthepack—saddleofagruntingyak，Withneverroomforchillingchaperone，’TwerebetterthanaPanhardinthePark。\"
ThatAgathawouldgetontoayakincompanywithalovereveninthecomparativeseclusionofThibetisunthinkable。
Iverymuchdoubtifshe’ddoitwithherownhusbandintheprivacyoftheSimplontunnel。Butpoetry，asI’veremarkedbefore，shouldalwaysstimulatetheimagination。
Bytheway，whenyouaskedmetheotherdaytodinewithyouonthe14th，IsaidIwasdiningwiththeDuchess。Well，I’mnot。I’mdiningwithyou。
THEINNOCENCEOFREGINALD
Reginaldslidacarnationofthenewestshadeintothebuttonholeofhislatestloungecoat，andsurveyedtheresultwithapproval。\"Iamjustinthemood，\"heobserved，\"tohavemyportraitpaintedbysomeonewithanunmistakablefuture。Socomfortingtogodowntoposterityas’YouthwithaPinkCarnation’incatalogue——companywith’ChildwithBunchofPrimroses，’andallthatcrowd。\"
\"Youth，\"saidtheOther，\"shouldsuggestinnocence。\"
\"Butneveractonthesuggestion。Idon’tbelievethetwoeverreallygotogether。Peopletalkvaguelyabouttheinnocenceofalittlechild，buttheytakemightygoodcarenottoletitoutoftheirsightfortwentyminutes。Thewatchedpotneverboilsover。Iknewaboyoncewhoreallywasinnocent；hisparentswereinSociety，buttheynevergavehimamoment’sanxietyfromhisinfancy。Hebelievedincompanyprospectuses，andinthepurityofelections，andinwomenmarryingforlove，andeveninasystemforwinningatroulette。Heneverquitelosthisfaithinit，buthedroppedmoremoneythanhisemployerscouldaffordtolose。
WhenlastIheardofhim，hewasbelievinginhisinnocence；
thejuryweren’t。Allthesame，Ireallyaminnocentjustnowofsomethingeveryoneaccusesmeofhavingdone，andsofarasIcansee，theiraccusationswillremainunfounded。\"
\"Ratheranunexpectedattitudeforyou。\"
\"Ilovepeoplewhodounexpectedthings。Didn’tyoualwaysadorethemanwhoslewalioninapitonasnowyday？Butaboutthisunfortunateinnocence。Well，quitelongago，whenI’dbeenquarrellingwithmorepeoplethanusual，youamongthenumber——itmusthavebeeninNovember，IneverquarrelwithyoutoonearChristmas——IhadanideathatI’dliketowriteabook。Itwastobeabookofpersonalreminiscences，andwastoleaveoutnothing。\"
\"Reginald！\"
\"ExactlywhattheDuchesssaidwhenImentionedittoher。I
wasprovokingandsaidnothing，andthenextthing，ofcourse，wasthateveryoneheardthatI’dwrittenthebookandgotitinthepress。Afterthat，Imighthavebeenagold—
fishinaglassbowlforalltheprivacyIgot。Peopleattackedmeaboutitinthemostunexpectedplaces，andimploredorcommandedmetoleaveoutthingsthatI’dforgottenhadeverhappened。IsatbehindMiriamKlopstockonenightinthedresscircleatHisMajesty’s，andshebeganatonceabouttheincidentoftheChowdoginthebathroom，whichsheinsistedmustbestruckout。Wehadtoargueitinadisjointedfashion，becausesomeofthepeoplewantedtolistentotheplay，andMiriamtakesninesinvoices。Theyhadtostopherplayinginthe’Macaws’HockeyClubbecauseyoucouldhearwhatshethoughtwhenhershinsgotmixedupinascrimmageforhalfamileonastillday。TheyarecalledtheMacawsbecauseoftheirblue—and—yellowcostumes，butIunderstandtherewasnothingyellowaboutMiriam’slanguage。Iagreedtomakeonealteration，asIpretendedI
hadgotitaSpitzinsteadofaChow，butbeyondthatIwasfirm。Shemegaphonedbacktwominuteslater，’Youpromisedyouwouldnevermentionit；don’tyoueverkeepapromise？’
Whenpeoplehadstoppedglaringinourdirection，IrepliedthatI’dassoonthinkofkeepingwhitemice。Isawhertearinglittlebitsoutofherprogrammeforaminuteortwo，andthensheleanedbackandsnorted，’You’renottheboyI
tookyoufor，’asthoughshewereaneaglearrivingatOlympuswiththewrongGanymede。Thatwasherlastaudibleremark，butshewentontearingupherprogrammeandscatteringthepiecesaroundher，tilloneofherneighboursaskedwithimmensedignitywhethersheshouldsendforawastepaperbasket。Ididn’tstayforthelastact。\"
\"ThenthereisMrs。——oh，Inevercanrememberhername；shelivesinastreetthatthecabmenhaveneverheardof，andisathomeonWednesdays。Shefrightenedmehorriblyonceataprivateviewbysayingmysteriously，’Ioughtn’ttobehere，youknow；thisisoneofmydays。’Ithoughtshemeantthatshewassubjecttoperiodicaloutbreaksandwasexpectinganattackatanymoment。SoembarrassingifshehadsuddenlytakenitintoherheadthatshewasCesarBorgiaorSt。
ElizabethofHungary。Thatsortofthingwouldmakeoneunpleasantlyconspicuousevenataprivateview。However，shemerelymeanttosaythatitwasWednesday，whichatthemomentwasincontrovertible。Well，she’sonquiteadifferenttacktotheKlopstock。Shedoesn’tvisitanywhereveryextensively，and，ofcourse，she’sawfullykeenformetodraginanincidentthatoccurredatoneoftheBeauwhistlegarden—parties，whenshesayssheaccidentallyhittheshinsofaSereneSomebodyorotherwithacroquetmalletandthathesworeatherinGerman。Asamatteroffact，hewentondiscoursingontheGordon—BennettaffairinFrench。（Inevercanrememberifit’sanewsubmarineoradivorce。Ofcourse，howstupidofme！）Tobedisagreeablyexact，Ifancyshemissedhimbyabouttwoinches——over—
anxiousness，probably——butshelikestothinkshehithim。
I’vefeltthatwaywithapartridgewhichIalwaysimaginekeepsonflyingstrong，outoffalsepride，tillit’stheothersideofthehedge。Shesaidshecouldtellmeeverythingshewaswearingontheoccasion。IsaidIdidn’twantmybooktoreadlikealaundrylist，butsheexplainedthatshedidn’tmeanthosesortofthings。\"
\"Andthere’stheChilworthboy，whocanbecharmingaslongashe’scontenttobestupidandwearwhathe’stoldto；buthegetstheideanowandthenthathe’dliketobeepigrammatic，andtheresultislikewatchingarooktryingtobuildanestinagale。Sincehegotwindofthebook，he’sbeenpersecutingmetoworkinsomethingofhisabouttheRussiansandtheYaluPeril，andisquitesulkybecauseI
won’tdoit。\"
\"Altogether，IthinkitwouldberatherabrilliantinspirationifyouweretosuggestafortnightinParis。\"